" BATMAN: THE SPOOF"BY SVEN evilspoofauthor1 ******************************************************************************* DISCLAIMER: Obviously none of this belongs to us.....well okay few of the original characters do. If you want to know where the characters come from it's in the cast.!!!! References to....lots of things that don't belong to us except for our other spoofs......which you would get if you have read them. We love you guys that do. Anyway, please review and I should get to the spoof, instead of wasting your time with this. PLEASE REVIEW!!! SVEN: See I can type....I gave Cassi a break. CASSI: (leaps around) Ho-wah! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CAST FOR BATMAN:THE SPOOF ***************************** BRUCE WAYNE/BATMAN.....................................................Ian Malcom(Jurassic Park) ALFRED PENNYWORTH........................................................Ardeth Bay(Mummy) JACK NAPIER/THE JOKER.....................................................Ryan Gaerity(Blown Away) VICKI VALE.............................................................................Penny Parker(MacGyver) JAMES W.GORDAN.................................................................Jareth(Labrynth) HARVEY DENT.......................................................................Alan Grant(Jurassic Park) ALICIA HUNT..........................................................................Harmony(BtVS) CARL GRISSOM.......................................................................Magneto(X-Men) ALEXANDER KNOX...............................................................Jonathan Carnahan(Mummy) LT. ECKHARDT.......................................................................Jack Dalton(MacGyver) BOB HAWKINS.......................................................................Murdoc(MacGyver) MAYOR....................................................................................Han Solo(Star Wars) BOB THE CARTOONIST.........................................................Mistoffelees(CATS) REPORTER...............................................................................Spike(BtVS) ANOTHER REPORTER............................................................Xander Harris(BtVS) ACCOUNTANT........................................................................Peter Banning(Hook) WAITER....................................................................................James "Jimmy" Bond(Lone Gunmen) MRS. GORDAN.........................................................................Sarah Williams(Labrynth) TOURIST MOM.........................................................................Evelyn O'Connell(Mummy) TOURIST DAD..........................................................................Rick O'Connell(Mummy) TOURIST SON.......................................................................... Alex O'Connell( Mummy) EDDIE(MUGGER#1)..................................................................James Morgan(Pokemon) NICK(MUGGER#2)....................................................................Toad(X-Men) RICORSO(MOB BOSS#1)..........................................................Cosmo Renfro(US Marshalls) ROTELLI(MOB BOSS#2)...........................................................Toad--yes again-- HEAD WAITER(MUSEUM).......................................................Rupert Giles(BtVS) WAITRESS(MUSEUM)...............................................................Misty(Pokemon) LAWYER....................................................................................Peter Banning--yes again-- ANCHOR WOMAN....................................................................Jessie Musashi(Pokemon) BECKY NARITA........................................................................Dana Scully(X-Files) PETER MCELROY..................................................................... Kurt Wagner(X-Men) DIRECTER..................................................................................Bobby Drake(X-Men) TECHNICIAN.............................................................................Logan "Woverine"(X-Men) POLICE OFFICERS: Scott Summers, MacGyver,Logan,Kurt Wagner, Bobby Drake, Luke Skywalker,Frank Colten, Billy Colten, Jesse Colten, and various others.. MOBSTERS(Ryan's Crew): Pouncival, Tumblebrutis, Coricopat, Alonzo, Asparagus, Macavity.(CATS) MOBSTERS(Magneto's Crew): Skimbleshanks, The Rum Tum Tugger,Plato, Admetus, The Rumpus Cat.(CATS) CREW SHRINK--- Niles Crane(Frasier) MEDICAL STAFF---John Carter(ER), Mungojerrie(Cats), Rumpleteazer(Cats). MAGICAL CONSULTANTS---Mistoffelees(Cats), Jareth(Labrynth), Phantom(Sven) AUTHOR'S ASSISTANT---Chris Mason(Cassi) PEANUT GALLERY **************** Cassi, Prince John, Imhotep, Anya, Melvin Frohike, John Byers,Fox Mulder, Fiddles, Two-face, Bruce Wayne, Selina Kyle, Lando Calrissian, Leia Solo, Ash Ketchum, Pikachu, Meowth, Mystique, Yakko, Wakko, Dot,Samuel Gerard, and the X-Babies. SPECIAL APPEARENCES BY ************************* Richard Greyson(Robin), Cosair, Boba Fett, Steve Raptor, Nick Raptor, Sara D. Raptor, Bridgette Raptor, Pepe Le Pew, Jigglypuff, The Jawa Dink-Dinks,Marvin the Martian, Abominable, Agent Jay, and Liam McGivney"James Dove"(Blown Away) ****************** BEFORE THE SPOOF ****************** --Author enters with Ian Malcom and Alan Grant-- CASSI: Glad to see you in the spoof-making business again. SPIKE: Speak for yourself! CASSI: I thought I was...... AUTHOR: Careful Spikey, I might make you a droid again. SPIKE: Chillin' ANGELUS: Who's Ryan Gaerity? SPIKE: I know that name....... --Bruce Wayne enters-- ANGELUS: Right we believe you. ( rolls his eyes) SPIKE: I do! I just can't think of it right now.... BRUCE: Am I in the right place? CASSI: You see any other buildings with weirdos in them? BRUCE: Uh................... --Jareth enters with Sarah and Byers enters with Frohike-- BYERS: Cool you're doing Batman. Do I have a role? AUTHOR: Read the script. BYERS: (reads script) No fair! Jimmy gets a role JIMMY: (enters) A role? In what?! SPIKE: Where is Chris? AUTHOR: Collecting our Joker, and a Peanut Gallery member. GRANT: Why am I Harvey Dent? I saw this movie. He was played by a black man......... FRANK: Yeah, he was played by Lando. LANDO: What? AUTHOR: We can't use Lando, because we're doing three of the Batman movies. In Batman Forever, he's played by a white man. MALCOM: You think you have it bad? Look at my role! GRANT: (reads script)You are Batman?!(laughs) MALCOM: It's not funny! --The X-Babies arrive, fighting as usual. A few of them anyway-- CYKE: Wolvie hit me!!!!! WOLVIE: You stepped on my foot! CYKE: Did not! WOLVIE: Did too! MAGNEATO: We are here, you can start. AUTHOR: (shakes head) Chris isn't here yet. --Jessie, James and Meowth enter, followed by the O'Connells and Jonathan-- JONATHAN: Oh....I got a part. RICK: So did we. JONATHAN: Yeah, but mine's a star role! RICK: If that's what you like.....I think it's safer to stay away from acting on set. Look what it did to Ardeth. --Ardeth enters with Imhotep and Murdoc-- RICK: As I was saying..................... JONATHAN: Good point. ARDETH: You weren't talking about me were you? RICK: Why would we do that? --Xander, Buffy, and Dawn arrive with the X-Men, and the Jellicles-- SPIKE: (to Buffy and Dawn) Hello luv, and to you Nibblit. --Ash and Misty arrive with Pikachu and Togapei-- CASSI: Is that everyone? AUTHOR: (shakes head) Not yet. --The medcrew arrives with Misto and the MacGyver group-- PENNY: I got a STAR role!!!!!!!!! MURDOC: That's nice.........so did I, again. MACGVER: (ignores Murdoc)That's wonderful Penny. I'm sure you'll do a great job. --Author taps her foot impatiently-- XANDER: Who's playing the butler? ARDETH: Who is Al Fred? ALL: (stare) SPIKE: No!! You can't use him! He's younger than your Batman!!! CASSI: Shut-up, Spike-bot! We're using Mr.Med-jai! MALCOM: That's Alfred? ARDETH: Who is Al Fred? BRUCE: My butler. --All cast and peanut gallery, stare at him like he's nuts.-- SPIKE: Who are you? BRUCE: Bruce Wayne, I was invited. SPIKE: (to Author) You brought in Batman?! AUTHOR: Yeah.....you got a problem with that? SPIKE: Uh......no. AUTHOR: Good, because that's not all I've done. VOICE FROM DOORWAY: Excuse me. I was invited. AUTHOR:(smiles)Ahh, Selina Kyle, come on in. --Selina comes in-- BRUCE: Selina? SELINA: Bruce? SPIKE: Glad to see you are acquainted. (to author) Can we start now? AUTHOR: No we are still waiting on Chris's crew. CASSI: That could take awhile....he's good at being late. CHRIS: Did you miss me? AUTHOR: Where are my guests? CHRIS:(opens door) I present to you all, Ryan Gaerity and Harvey Two-Face. BRUCE: What?!? --Ryan Gaerity and Two-Face step into the room-- SPIKE: You're bringing in two Tommy Lee Jones characters? AUTHOR: And your point is? SPIKE:(points at Ryan) I know that guy...... RYAN:(with Irish accent) That's funny, I don't think I've ever seen you before. LOGAN: Another Irish? BANSHEE: I think I've seen him before.......... SPIKE: Blown Away, bomb expert, can make a bomb out of a box of Bisquick. MURDOC:(shakes Ryan's hand) Nice to meet you. BANSHEE: I know I've seen him before......that name sounds familiar. TWO-FACE: We see you brought the Bat. SPIKE: Another head case, I see. You bring in a lot of those I notice. CASSI: We make a lot of them too. TWO-FACE:(about Spike) We do not like him. SPIKE: Well I don't like either of you. TWO-FACE:(flips coin) AUTHOR: Stop fighting, and Harv, don't bother he's already dead. BRUCE: Why is he here? TWO-FACE: We could ask the same thing about you. SPIKE: Are we going to have a battle already? The spoof hasn't even started yet. CHRIS: Everybody to costumes now! PRINCE JOHN: Well said. --Two-Face glares at Bruce and takes a seat-- JAMES: What happened to your face? --Two-Face glares, takes out his coin and flips it. The scarred side lands up. He grins, pulls out his gun and shoots James.-- AUTHOR: NO!!!!BAD! He's playing in the beginning! Mungo! MUNGO: Already? JESSIE: Remind me not to get on his bad side. BRUCE: I wasn't aware he had a good side. CHRIS:(to Two-Face) You can't just go around killing people because they annoy you! TWO-FACE: The coin read he dies! CHRIS: Well we're bringing him back. TWO-FACE: Dead people don't come back. CASSI: They do on our set. --Mungo and Carter enter with a stretcher. They lift James up and exit to medlab-- BRUCE: It was a bad idea bringing him in. TWO-FACE:(flips coin) CHRIS: Don't even think about it. TWO-FACE:(reads coin and swears) BUFFY: When is this going to start? AUTHOR: As soon as we bring James back. WOLVIE: I'm getting bored. AUTHOR: So go beat up some one. --Ten minutes later, James re-enters- CHRIS: James get into costume so we can begin. *********** THE SPOOF *********** CHRIS: Alright, Gotham City. The city of tomorrow. Boy this is stupid! BRUCE: Nobody asked you. CHRIS: Quiet Batboy! Now shall I continue? The city of tomorrow: Stark angles, creeping shadows, dense, crowded, as if hell had erupted through the sidewalks. TWO-FACE: Our kinda city. AUTHOR: Who wants to play pushers, hookers, and street hustlers? JESSIE: I'll do it. ANGELUS: I'll help. DRUSILLA: Same here. JAMES: I've already got a part. AUTHOR: Who else? DAWN: I'll do it. BUFFY: You most certainly will not! AUTHOR: Thank you, Buffy and Dawn for volunteering. BUFFY: What?! CHRIS: Let's continue. Hookers, pushers, and street scum, get to your places. --They start walking around. They all seem to know each other, as scum often does-- BUFFY: Hey! Watch who you're calling scum! AUTHOR: Oh, be quiet. O'Connells you're up. CHRIS: A tourist family. IMHOTEP:(snickers) AUTHOR:(glares) --The tourist family, Mom, Dad, and little Alex, march warily down the main drag. Just out of the show. But the respectable theater crowd has thinned out, and now with playbills in ha.................-- AUTHOR: Rick put the gun away! RICK:(grumbles but complies) EVELYN: For God's sake, put the guns away and please get us a taxi. RICK: I don't want to get mugged. ARDETH: You're supposed to get mugged. RICK: Shut up, Al Fred. CHRIS: Script! RICK: I'm trying to get a..... --A taxi almost runs over Rick's foot.-- RICK: Hey! Watch where you are going! JONATHAN: Sorry! RICK: I'm going to kick his..... AUTHOR: Watch the language! RICK: Sorry, I'll deal with Jonathan later. CASSI: Ah, in-laws, aren't they fun? AUTHOR: Our sisters wouldn't agree to that. CASSI: I know. CHRIS: Stop discussing family, we have a spoof to continue. ALEX:(reading the map) We're going the wrong way. --Angelus and Jessie begin to snicker as they watch the pathetic family make their way down the street-- RICK:(to author) We are not pathetic! (to Alex) Put that away, we'll look like tourists. ANGELUS: Actually, you look like lunch, or dinner. DRU: Midnight snack is more accurate, my Angel. CHRIS: Cut that out, your part is silent! --Drusilla smiles at Alex, who, like the stupid kid that he is, smiles back. Which is pretty dumb since she's a vampire. Kids these days! Evelyn, like any smart mother, grabs her stupid kid and drags him off down the street, while she glares at Rick. Because, for some reason she must think the reason her kid is stupid is his fault-- ALEX:(insulted) I am not a stupid kid! AUTHOR: We don't believe you. I saw all the dumb things you did in The Mummy Returns, CASSI: He did a few smart things..... AUTHOR: So does his father.....once in a while. RICK: I don't like you. AUTHOR: I don't care. Now script!!!! RICK: We'll never get a cab. Let's cut over to seventh. --He points in one direction but Alex shakes his head and points in another direction-- ALEX: Seventh is that way. RICK: How would you know? You've never been here before. CASSI: And you have? DOT: Yeah, at least the stupid kid read the map. RICK: Doesn't matter what the map says the script says we go this way. ALEX: It also says we get mugged. CHRIS: Keep moving and stop fighting... WOLVIE: Yeah, only we can fight! AUTHOR: Don't even think about it, Wolvie. WOLVIE: Darn. --We see a deserted street lined with stripped down cars. The O'Connells, like the idiots they are march into the darkness-- RICK: We are not idiots! CASSI: You are walking down a deserted street in the middle of the most dangerous city there is, and you think you aren't idiots? LOGAN: They're idiots! O'CONNELLS: (Glare) JAMES: Hey Mister, gimme a dollar. JESSIE: Now you are begging? You are making us look bad. ASH: You looked bad to begin with. JESSIE: Quiet twerp! CHRIS: Script!!!! --James is sitting off to the side of the street. He is covered in dirt and is wearing a ratty t-shirt with a huge "R" on the front. The O'Connell's move past him, pretending not to notice his desperate pleas for help. Well they certainly don't know what the word charity means.-- JAMES: Mister? How about one dollar? Just one. I won't trouble you for more......it's just I'm starving, Sir. Please? (He stands up) Are you deaf? Do you speak english? You can't leave me here to die!!! --The O'Connell's hurry and cross the street. James doesn't follow and they breath a sigh of relief. Their relief, however, is short lived. Toad lands in front of them and spits a glob of his disgusting, slime in Rick's face. Evelyn screams.-- ALEX: That's gross. AUTHOR: Will somebody help him? --Ardeth is off to the side laughing with Imhotep-- EVELYN: Will somebody please help him? He can't breath. --Scott uses his optic blast to blast the hardened slime from Rick's face. Rick collapses to the ground unconscious. Toad points a gun at Alex. TOAD: Do the kid a favor, lady. Don't scream. EVELYN:(glares) Who's going to scream? --She kicks the gun out of Toad's hand and punches him-- EVELYN: Oh, ow! --She shakes her hand in pain. Toad smiles, and James races across the street and steals Rick's wallet.-- EVELYN: What is he? WOLVIE:(shrugs) Frog-Guy? TOAD:(Flatly) That's Toad. WOLVIE: Toad, frog, whatever. Doesn't matter to me. You still stink! --Toad shoots his tongue out and eats a rat. Evelyn, covers her mouth and runs for the bathroom. Toad, leaps out of the alley-- ALEX: Nice jump. EVELYN: (Returns) That was gross.........very gross. I never want to see that again. CHRIS: Alright, scene change. Punks? To the rooftop. ************ ROOF ************ --Toad and James hunker down on the tar and gravel roof, sizing up their take.-- TOAD: The script says he has an American Express card. There isn't one in here. SPIKE: What did you expect? The guy's from the 1930's. I don't think they had credit cards back then. AUTHOR: Pretend or skip it. It's your call, Toad. TOAD: Skip it. --A chill wind blows as Toad counts the cash. There's a distant, metallic clang; James hears it and tenses up. Obviously, he's the smarter of the two. Even he knows that bad guys always lose.-- JAMES: Don't remind me. TOAD: He is not smarter than me. CHRIS: Script now or I will have to hurt you. (waves his flamethrower) JAMES: Let's beat it, man. I don't like it up here. TOAD: What are you afraid of heights? JAMES: (flatly) Oh yeah, I'm just terrified that this building is going to collapse beneath me, and I'll be killed. CASSI: Here's your sign. TOAD:(glares) ASH: James is most definitely not afraid of heights. JESSIE: No that's one of the few things he isn't afraid of. JAMES: Hey! CHRIS: Script or else!!! JAMES: I dunno. After what happened to Johnny Gobs......... CASSI: Who's he? AUTHOR: He's not in the movie so it doesn't matter who he is. TOAD: Look, Johnny Gobs got ripped and walked right off a roof, all right? No big loss. LUKE: That just makes us all feel safe on the roof.( makes a face) JAMES: No man. That ain't what I heard at all......... --He stops and stares at the script. His face drains of all color and he whimpers-- JAMES: A BAT?!?! I hate bats, and this one is supposed to be six feet tall. AUTHOR: Ian Malcom is that six foot bat you are so scared of. So stop worrying about it. JAMES:( relaxes) I heard the bat got him. TOAD:(In dis-belief) The BAT?!? Gimme a break, will you, James? JAMES: Five stories, straight down. There was no blood in the body. BUFFY: With Angelus around, I can see why. TOAD: No shit, man. It was all over the pavement. SPIKE: What a waste. --Another sound is heard and both tense. James' warning has frightened Toad. But being the two weirdos that they are. They remain seated and act like nothing has happened. Morons! What happened to all the smart people? Did we drive them all insane?-- TOAD: Shut-up. There ain't no bat! --No, Toad definitely isn't the smartest of the two, because, obviously, since the movie is Batman, there is indeed a bat. Anyway, at the opposite corner of the roof, some fifteen yards away.... at the end of a line, a strange black silhouette is dropping slowly into the frame-- JAMES: You shouldn't have turned the gun on that kid, man.......You shouldn'ta turned the...... TOAD: You want your cut of this money don't you? Now shut-up! Just shut-up you blue haired freak! JAMES: You looked in the mirror lately Froggy? TOAD: When this spoof is over I'm going to kill you! JAMES: I'd like to see you try! AUTHOR: No one is going to kill anyone so stop fighting! RYAN:(pouting) We can't kill anyone? AUTHOR: I meant right now. RYAN:(smiles) Alright then. CHRIS: Back to the script! --Toad and James continue glaring at each other. An then suddenly they freeze at the sudden, and inexplicable sound of boots crunching on the gravel. They turn slowly, and their jaws drop. At the edge of the roof bathed in moonlight, is Malcom dressed in the batsuit. James stares terrified. Then he screams (like a girl I might add) and faints-- CASSI: There's a new one. Bad guy faints before the battle begins. JESSIE: No that's normal when he faces something like this........ ASH: So we've seen. MISTY: That guy is a chicken. CHRIS: Enough chatter, we have a spoof to continue. --Malcom advances and spreads his arms, and majestically, gag! This is making me sick..... Why does the hero always described like this?!? It's annoying, he's just a guy in a rubber suit! Anyway on his chest is the emblem of a bat, surrounded in yellow. Like a glowing target......tempting isn't it? Where did I put that dart gun.......................Anyway, Toad uses his tongue to throw Malcom off the roof.-- BRUCE: Now that was gross. SELINA: I agree. AUTHOR: Toad, you were supposed to shoot him. TOAD: The dumb tourist lady kicked my gun away. It's somewhere on that deserted street. You didn't give me any time to find it. Besides, the first rule in robbery is to get away from the scene as fast as possible. CHRIS: Nice job, Evelyn. --Toad is kicked from behind and flies across the roof. He slams into the wall and turns around dazed. Malcom is back, and grinning-- TOAD: What are you? MALCOM: I'm Batman. --He kicks Toad off the building. Toad hits the ground and passes out....ooh he'll be hurting when he wakes up.-- AUTHOR: Cut and print it! Not bad, these guys are pretty good. Malcom? Good job. MALCOM: I try. CASSI: I think we did pretty good with casting him in the role. AUTHOR: Yep, I don't remember which one of us thought that up though. I think it was you, Cassi. CASSI: Not sure. CHRIS: Time for the next scene. **************** GOTHOM CITY: City hall. **************** --A victory poster fills one wall. It reads "Congratulations! A New Gotham city! Alan Grant-- District Attorney."-- CASSI: I still think you should have used Lando. AUTHOR: Nah, this is a spoof. We're supposed to do things different then the real film makers. In fact, we do our best to point out their mistakes. TWO-FACE: This is boring. AUTHOR: So are you, so shut-up. --Two-Face flips his coin. The Author catches it and pockets it.-- AUTHOR: No more coin. TWO-FACE: Now we are offended. JARETH: Get used to it. They don't care. CHRIS: SCRIPT!!! Han, you're the mayor, remember? HAN: Oh, yeah. (takes his place) Now what? CHRIS: (sighs) Read the script, you moron!! HAN: I don't have a script, you never gave me one. CHRIS: Oh, sorry ( hands him a script) HAN: (reads it) Across the nation, the words 'Gotham City' are synonymous with crime. Our streets are overrun, and our police officials have been helpless...... TWO-FACE: Not to mention bribed. BRUCE: You aren't funny. CASSI: No, but he's right. CHRIS:(glares) Script! NOW!!! HAN: As mayor I promised you that I would root out corruption at it's root. XANDER: Didn't he put Two-Face in office? BRUCE: He wasn't Two-Face at the time. TWO-FACE: Yes, but it was the job that did it. The crime in Gotham has that effect on normal citizens. CHRIS: An example of being assimilated, resistance is futile. TWO-FACE: Exactly. CASSI: Explains why we can't get rid of any of the people we bring on set....... AUTHOR: Quiet!!! HAN: Now, back to rooting out corruption at its root. Boss Magneto..... LOGAN: No surprise there! AUTHOR: Logan!! Let him at least finish his line before you interrupt! HAN:(sticks his tongue out) Our new district attorney, Alan Grant will carry out that promise. I promise. TWO-FACE: That sure was a promise that was broken...... AUTHOR: Harv, keep your bitter little thoughts to yourselves. CHRIS: Every one applaud for Grant. CASSI: Why? CHRIS: It's in the script. Everyone applauds for him so he can give a speech. SPIKE: We don't want to hear a speech. AUTHOR: You have to applaud, so the camera can show that Ian Malcom didn't show up. Now Grant you're up. ALAN: I'm a man of few words. JESSIE: So shut-up. ALAN:(glares) But those words will count. And so will our.......................... --He trails off staring. The author is flipping Two-Face's coin up and down, in a very annoying way. I like to be annoying.-- ALAN: What? BRUCE: That's annoying. --Suddenly a Jawa-dink-dink, comes running through with a white stripe painted on its back. Then not far behind, Pepe Le Pew comes bouncing through. Then they exit. Pouncival, thinking it is now okay to bounce....starts bouncing.-- POUNCE: Boingy, boingy, boingy.....etc. BRUCE: uh........... TWO-FACE: What just happened? SPIKE: Nothing unusual. These sorta things happen all the time here. ALAN: I lost my place. SCOTT: I did too, the first time I saw something really strange. Don't worry about it.....you'll probably see worse later on. CASSI:(evil grin) Yep..... SELINA: I take it, that it's safer not to ask? CHRIS: Can we continue? And Sven, could you put the coin away? It's distracting the actors. AUTHOR:(does the Wolvie pout, but complies) Let's continue. ALAN: I have talked today to police commissioner Jareth. --The camera angle on Jareth. He is wearing a suit and his hair is pulled back into a ponytail-- CASSI: Nice threads. ALAN: He is targeting business suspected of fronting for the syndicate in this city. Within one week, we will knock down their doors and shed the light of the law on that nest of vipers. AUTHOR: Next scene.....Gaerity? Harmony? You set? SPIKE: You gave Harmony a role? AUTHOR: Quiet! RYAN: Ready. CHRIS: Good, then let's start. --We go to a woman's apartment, sparsely furnished, but tasteless. (This is Harmony after all) Anyway, modern chairs and a coffee table in front of a television set. Higher fashioned magazine blow-ups, all modeled by Harmony are on the walls. In the foreground, a man's hand, manipulates a deck of cards. He is doing a one handed shuffle with extraordinary finesse. (must have had a lot of time on his hands during the twenty years he was in Castle Gleigh prison in Northern Ireland) The television news has highlights of Alan Grant's victory speech.-- ALAN:(voice over from the screen) Together we can make this city safe for decent people...... --The hand sets the deck on the table, then turns four jacks off the top. This most unusual deck sports a .22 caliber bullet hole straight through the middle.-- RYAN:(deep Irish accent) Decent people shouldn't live here. They'd be happier someplace else. --Ryan Gaerity is right hand man and chief enforcer for Boss Magneto-- SPIKE: You know the X-Men are shaking in their boots now. CHRIS: Gaerity is tough, vain, and takes great pride in his appearance. Harmony, Magneto's woman.....(pause) Oh gross, Magneto??? He's old............ AUTHOR:(taps foot) Chris?! CHRIS: Oh right...she glides over in her negligee. Ryan has his feet on the table, resting on a copy of Vogue. On the cover is a picture of Harmony. SPIKE: She's moving up in the world. --Harmony angrily pulls Ryan's feet off the magazine, and rescues it.-- HARMONY: You got your dirty feet all over it!!! AUTHOR:(groans) Script!!!! HARMONY: Pretty tough talk about Magneto. RYAN: Don't worry about it. If this clown could touch Magneto, I would have blown him up already. CASSI: I don't remember that in the original. AUTHOR:(shrugs) It works.....and I like it, so we'll keep it. HARMONY: If Magneto knew about us he might kill you. RYAN: There is no us, and he's welcome to try. AUTHOR: Gaerity, get it right. RYAN: Don't flatter yourself, vampire. He's a tired old man. He can't run this city without me. (long drawn out pause) Besides, he doesn't know. CYKE: Yeth he doeth he'th thitting right there. --Cyke points at Magneto, who waves and grins. Wolvie hits Cyke. Cyke, in turn, hits him back-- WOLVIE: Squealer! CYKE: Nothe picker! WOLVIE: One eye! CYKE: Pointy head! WOLVIE: Geek! CYKE: Bully! WOLVIE: Proud of it! CYKE: Meanie! WOLVIE: YEP! CREEPYCRAWLER: Wolvie and Cyke are fighting. BRUCE: Now that's something you don't see everyday. CASSI: Speak for yourself. SCOTT: Yeah, you wanna know how many times I've seen this? Too many! RYAN: Can we continue? I'm having fun. SPIKE: You're insane. RYAN:(smiles and bows) I know! CASSI: I like him. AUTHOR: I knew you would. Now back to the script! RYAN: (shuts the T.V. off) It was getting annoying anyway..... HARMONY: You don't worry about anything, do you, Ryan? --Ryan gives Harmony a disdainful look, and consults his watch. Harmony must be a real bore to hang out with. Anyway, he reaches for his topcoat, and stands in front of the vanity. He runs a hand through his hair, and checks to make sure his clothes are straight.....As if the world would end if he got a wrinkle. Author rolls her eyes and continues typing (pause) Yes evilspoofauthor1 is typing! I gave Cassi a break.-- HARMONY: You look fine. --Ryan smiles at himself before turning to the door.-- RYAN: I didn't ask.......(mutters) Stupid dumb blonds! SPIKE: HEY! Not all blonds are dumb! CASSI: Got a guilty conscience... Blondie Bear? SPIKE:(glares) HARMONY:(to Ryan) You are a JERK!!! A self centered jerk! CASSI: I thought you liked jerks............ SPIKE: Hey, I am not a jerk. AUTHOR: That's debatable. (to Ryan) Ryan that was a nice bit of acting. You're a natural. CHRIS: Next scene. ****************** MUGGING SCENE ****************** --The scene of the earlier mugging is now abuzz with police cars, an ambulance, a forensics van, and Japanese tourists taking pictures.......sorry couldn't help it. John Carter and Rumpleteazer go past with James on a stretcher, catatonic. Watching him, are police medic, Mungojerrie and Lt. Jack Dalton, who jots down on a notepad. Not that he's gonna put the truth in his report, nobody would believe it anyway.-- DALTON: Now, let me guess. A gigantic, menacing, supernatural form...in the shape of a bat? MUNGO: Tha's it. Wha' are they seeing up there? DALTON: Oh, come on! That's James, they're all drinking Draino. JESSIE: James doesn't drink Draino. CASSI: I wouldn't be surprised if Toad did, though. MUNGO: It's all weird, bu' wit these spoof authors, no' much suprise's me. DALTON:(under breath) Damn, Carnahan. CHRIS: Watch the swearing, the author's don't care for it. --At the mouth of the alley is Jonathan Carnahan, a crime reporter for the Gotham Globe-- JONATHAN: Right, so I just jump right in. ARDETH: That's the idea. JONATHAN: Alright. Hello, gents. I hear we got another bat attack. That's eight sightings now in just under a month. I hear the commissioner's opened a file. DALTON: Sorry, Carnahan. These two slipped on a banana peal. CASSI: We will have to tell Malcom to stop eating bananas when he's Batman. DALTON:(flatly) Very funny. CASSI: I thought so...... WOLVIE: So did I. --Logan and Luke dressed as patrolmen drag a dazed, Toad past.-- TOAD: A bat! I tell you, a giant bat! Calls himself Batman! You gotta believe me!!! He's evil!!!! CASSI: Nice ad-lib. BRUCE: I agree. --Jonathan smirks, while Dalton and Mungo trade disgusted looks. Because let's face it, they just got made into liars. And what do we learn from this? Never let your dog eat on the ceiling.-- CASSI: Um......no comment! CARTER: She needs help. AUTHOR: I'm insane, I tell you, insane!!!!!!(laughs insanely) CHRIS: You're scaring the people on set, Sven. AUTHOR: Right, I'm recovered now. Back to the script! DALTON: Don't be writing this crap in the newspaper, Carnahan, it'll ruin your already useless reputation. --Rick barges onto set and punches Jonathan in the face.-- RICK: That's for nearly running over my foot. AUTHOR: Rick get of set....or I'll let Chris use the flamethrower on you. --Chris stands and waves the flamethrower, he has a maniac look on his face. Rick, hurriedly gets back to his seat in the Peanut Gallery-- AUTHOR: Good! Now back to the script! JONATHAN: Lieutenant, lots of punks in town are scared stiff! They say he drinks blood. They say he can't be killed. XANDER: No that's Angelus......or Murdoc on the 'can't be killed' bit. --Angelus and Murdoc both give the camera a cheesy grin-- DALTON: I say you're full of shit, Carnahan.(turns away) And you can quote me on that. --Dalton starts to walk away and Jonathan calls after him.-- JONATHAN: Lieutenant. Is there a six foot bat in Gotham City? (shouting) And if so, is he on the police payroll? And if so what's he pulling down.......after taxes? CHRIS: The scene changes. ********************* SIDE STREET ********************* --Dalton emerges onto the side street and spies a stretch limo idling nearby. Leaning on the hood, waving hi, is the devilish Ryan Gaerity. Ryan's odd driver, Murdoc is polishing the door handle.....Chris starts laughing.-- MURDOC: Not funny! MACGYVER: Yes it is! MURDOC:(glares) --Ryan swaggers up to Dalton and tosses him a sandwich bag-- RYAN: I brought you a little snack, Dalton. --Dalton opens the bag to check the contents. Ryan's eyes widen and he snatches it back and tosses it away. The bag explodes a few seconds later-- RYAN: You weren't supposed to open it. DALTON: There wasn't supposed to be a bomb in it!!!! AUTHOR: Oh, come on Jack. After dealing with Murdoc this long, I thought you'd expect something like this from a guy that is playing his boss. Now SCRIPT!!!! DALTON: Why don't you just broadcast it to the neighborhood, Gaerity?!? RYAN:(shrugs) Okay. (starts yelling) Hey everyone!!!! Lt. Jack Dalton is excepting bribes from the mob Boss Magneto!!!!!! JONATHAN: Can I quote that? AUTHOR:(shakes head) No! Ryan get it right! RYAN:(to Dalton) Shut up, and listen. Alan Grant is sniffing around one of our front companies. DALTON: That's my territory, Ryan. If there's a problem.............. --Ryan grabs Dalton by the front of his shirt and slams him into a wall-- RYAN: Dalton, your problems are our problems. DALTON:(pushes him away) I answer to Magneto, not to psychos. LOGAN: He doesn't know old bucket head that well, does he? CHRIS: Logan, Pikachu is sitting in the Peanut Gallery, need I remind you that metal conducts electricity? LOGAN: I suddenly have the feeling that I should sit down and shut up. RYAN: Why, Dalton, you should be thinking about the future. DALTON:(sneers) You mean when..........when you run the show? You got no future, Ryan. You're an A-1 nut boy and Magneto knows it. RYAN: I thought everyone knew........hmmm. AUTHOR: Ahem. --Ryan clamps a hand on Dalton's face and shoves him into the wall again. Stunned, Dalton's face turns red and he whips out his gun. Quick as lightning, Murdoc is behind Ryan with his gun pointed at Dalton. Dalton breathing heavily, lowers his gun. Ryan smiles gleefully.-- RYAN: See, you can make a good decision when you try. --Ryan laughs insanely in Dalton's ashen face and then he and Murdoc exit. When Ryan is out of earshot. Dalton mutters, menacingly-- DALTON: And where have you been spending your nights? CASSI: In other words, guess who ratted him out. BRUCE: Explains why he kills him. DALTON: WHAT?!? CHRIS: Scene change. **************************** GOTHAM CITY SQUARE **************************** --Hard-hatted Grant and Jareth, follow Han across the construction filled square. Preparations are being made for the gigantic public event. Which even they know should be cancelled, but like fools, they are going to try to go through with it. A banner goes up saying "200th anniversary of Gotham City Festival"-- HAN: I don't care how much in dept this festival is. I want a parade, hotdogs, balloons, the whole thing. We're going to celebrate this 200th anniversary, proudly and publically. GRANT: We may be celebrating it in bankruptcy court. The tax base is crumbling, and if this festival crashes you can kiss our bond rating goodbye. The festival is $350 in red and we haven't seen one balloon. CASSI: This is boring. JARETH: I agree. AUTHOR: Alright basically they talk about getting Magneto into court. LOGAN: That'll never happen. AUTHOR: Logan? LOGAN: Yeah? AUTHOR: Pika. LOGAN: Right, I got you. --He gives Ash and Pikachu a wary look-- CHRIS: Next scene. Misto, Spike, Xander, Jonathan, and Penny. Get to your places. *************** GOTHAM GLOBE *************** CREEPY: Wolvie looked at me! TWO-FACE: So look back at him. CREEPY: But he's ugly! CASSI: So ignore him. AUTHOR: Script!!!! CHRIS: Gotham's leading tabloid daily. --Jonathan rushes in, spots Misto the cartoonist at his drafting table, with several amused "reporters" looking on.-- SPIKE: (laughs) Well, well, Count Dracula. You seen Bigfoot lately? XANDER: They buried your story on the Batman. SPIKE: They bury garbage. JONATHAN: Then you should have been buried long ago. SPIKE:(vamps out) Watch what you say.. JONATHAN: You were saying Dracula?! CASSI: This is actually amusing. CHRIS: Get it right Jonathan! JONATHAN: This is the Pulitzer prize zone boys! You wait! MISTO: Oh, Carnahan.....I got something for you. --Misto holds up a drawing of a human bat, with an awful fanged rodent's face, wearing a business suit. The captian reads......"Have you seen this man?" Spike and Xander start laughing. Jonathan who's used to this kind of ribbing mumbles.-- JONATHAN: Very nice, boys. A little more gore on the fangs. (under his breath) Where's a couple of scarabs when you need them? CHRIS: To Jonathan's office. --Jonathan approaches but stops in his tracks. Propped up on the desk are a pair of exceptional legs. That is if you notice that sort of thing.. I don't but apparently, Jonathan does................-- JONATHAN: Hello legs. --Penny looks up. Her face framed by her black wavy hair. She flashes a dazzling smile.-- BYERS: How come she gets two star roles at the same time? CASSI: Cause we felt like it and she's a good actress. SCULLY: Great! First she gets to romance Mulder now somebody else. AUTHOR: Actually, she has at least three interests in this one. Jonathan being the first. RICK: So we noticed, does he need a drool catcher? CASSI: Hey Jonathan, no drooling on set! JONATHAN: Oh, sorry. CHRIS: Script! PENNY: Hi, I'm Penny Parker. JONATHAN: Penny Parker..............where have I heard that name? JOHN: The other spoof? AUTHOR: Skip to the perverted part please. JONATHAN: Okay, then it's Penny's turn. PENNY: Actually, I've been to Corto Maltese. --She pulls out a sheet of combat photos. Exploding jeeps, burning huts, bodies in piles, blood all over, stuff that Murdoc would take......and probably did take. After all, you didn't think Penny would have time to take picture's when she's acting in two spoofs. Anyway now I'm going on and on and on and on and..............does anyone else think this sounds like a broken record???-- JONATHAN: Now that the Author is done rambling we can continue. AUTHOR:(Wolvie glare) JONATHAN: (to Penny) Hey, a girl could get hurt doing this. (amazed) What are you doing here? PENNY: I'm here to see some of the wildlife in Gotham City. LOGAN: Try looking in the Peanut Gallery..... CASSI: Ahem...(looks at Pikachu) PIKACHU: PI KA CUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!(thundershocks Logan) LOGAN: ow. (passes out) JONATHAN: Wildlife.......................like what? PENNY: Like...........bats. JONATHAN: Who sent you? (he shoots a dirty look in Spike's direction.) PENNY: No one. I read your piece. There's something about this that's very interesting to me. JONATHAN: What's your angle? PENNY: A picture of a guy in a batsuit catching criminals?(Her hand sweeps the headline. 'BATMAN SWEEPS CRIME FROM GOTHAM.') My pictures your words. This is Pulitzer prize material. JONATHAN: You're a visionary. You're also the only one that believes me. I need something tangible. Jareth's got a file on this but I can't get him on the phone. PENNY: He'll be at Ian Malcom's benefit won't he? JONATHAN: I don't seem to be on the guest list. --Sulking, he doesn't notice Penny reaching into her camera bag. He doesn't see the small white invitation until she dangles in front of his nose.......People should really pay attention to the things around them. You never know when you might have something like a giant elephant in a tutu doing swan lake in front of you. ALWAYS PAY ATTENTION!!!!!-- SPIKE: um.........I'm not gonna ask CASSI: She does this. AUTHOR: SCRIPT!!!! JONATHAN: Miss Parker............got a date? --Penny shakes her head and grins.-- JONATHAN: Right, will you marry me? PENNY: Nope. JONATHAN: Buy me lunch? PENNY: Maybe. JONATHAN: I eat light. AUTHOR: Cut and print it. Bob, what do you think? BOB: Aside of the whole "elephant in a tutu doing swan lake".....it was good. ANGELUS: This is pretty good.(looks around) So long as that pink ball doesn't show up. CASSI:(imitating) Jigglypuff! ANGELUS:(jumps startled and glares) Not funny! CHRIS: Scene change. Enter, Magneto and his Jellicle Mobsters. ********************* MAGNETO'S PENTHOUSE ********************* --Magneto waves a copy of the Globe, with Alan Grant staring from page one.-- MAGNETO: Say this basterd makes a connection with us and Axis Chemicals, what kind of damage are we looking at? PETER: If he ties us in with Axis Chemicals, we're dead and buried.(clears his throat) We should move immediately. --Ryan slouches in an easy chair doing his one-handed shuffle.-- RYAN: Let's just break in, trash the office, make off with the books.......and call it 'industrial espionage'. MAGNETO: Smart thinking, Ryan. That's the way to go. In fact.........I'd like you to handle it personally. --Ryan's hand freezes over his lucky deck. Nervously, he turns a card off the top. It's not a jack, it's a joker...........a joker with a neat, round, .22 caliber hole through it.-- RYAN: On second thought, let's just blow the place.....less work. AUTHOR: Nice try, but NO! CHRIS: Harmony, you have to enter. --A metal door slides back and Harmony steps out of Magneto's private elevator with an armful of shopping bags.-- MAGNETO: Hello, Sweetheart. I wonder if you'd mind waiting in the other room. --Harmony's gaze meets Ryan's with a glare and she stomps off. It's obvious to everyone in the room that she can't stand him.-- MAGNETO: Thank you, gentlemen. That's all for now. CHRIS: Okay, everybody leave. --Magneto's jellicles file out. Ryan, troubled, lingers behind. He looks miserable and obviously doesn't want to go. He ain't stupid. He know's exactly what is coming.-- RYAN: Mags, can't we send somebody else? The fumes in that place............. CASSI: I think the fumes are the last thing you need to be worried about. MAGNETO:(glares at Ryan for the nickname) Ryan it's an important job. I need someone I can trust. You're my number one guy. RYAN:(makes a face) I'm not that kind of guy. ( he backs away from Magneto) LUKE: First we have a gay sith lord now we have............... MAGNETO:(glares and Ryan and Luke) I AM NOT GAY!!!!!!! I was just following the script. CASSI: That old guy bothered me anyway. What was his name?? Grissle or something? AUTHOR: Grissom. CASSI: Right....whatever. AUTHOR: SCRIPT!!!! --Magneto picks up Ryan's lucky deck of cards and drops it in his hat.-- MAGNETO: Now, don't forget your lucky deck. --Ryan sighs and leaves. Because he knows better then to not listen to the Evil Authors.-- AUTHOR:(laughs evilly) Okay, back to the script. MAGNETO:(grins) My friend, your luck is just about to change. --Harmony appears in the doorway, modeling her new purchases. Can this girl think about anything aside of clothes at a time like this? Geee whiz, could she be more of a ditz?? Anyway, let's continue.-- MAGNETO:(smiles into the phone) Get me Lt. Dalton. AUTHOR: Cut and print. CHRIS: Scene change, Malcom Manor. GRANT: Is it just me or does that name sound stupid? CASSI: It does. MALCOM: Nobody asked you. ***************** MALCOM MANOR ***************** ARDETH: I am not following him around and being his maid. AUTHOR: Gee, all you'd need to add to your Med-Jai outfit is a white frilly apron. CASSI:(laughs incoherently) --All the rest of "The Mummy" crew does the same. Poor guy now I feel sorry for him.....I'll have to remember to be nicer to him in later spoofs.-- ARDETH:(glares) AUTHOR: We'll be nice. We'll just jump in with Jonathan and Ardeth. ARDETH:(to Jonathan) Can I help you? JONATHAN: Hey Al Fred, you know if you cut your bath in half, you'd have my whole apartment. ARDETH: (glares) I'm not surprised. We do have a rather large bathroom, sir. JONATHAN: No Al, I meant your bath...........as in tub. --Jonathan takes a drink and drops money on the tray. Ardeth glances at if and pockets it. Afterall, unlike Alfred, he doesn't get paid. I'd have taken it too, if I was in his place.-- AUTHOR: Let's go to Penny and Malcom. CHRIS: Malcom has been watching Penny. She turns to him. PENNY: Excuse me...........which one of these guys is Ian Malcom? MALCOM: I................I'm not sure. PENNY: Thanks. MALCOM: Uh....yeah. --Penny walks away. Malcom watches her, very intrigued. I told you she had more than one interest. This is number two guy that is hanging all over her. At least Malcom isn't drooling............-- JONATHAN: HEY!!!! AUTHOR: Sorry. CHRIS: Now we go to Jareth. --Jareth is at a table playing sabaac with a few other people. Sarah is seated at his side. Yeah, I know in the movie they were playing craps. But hey, everyone on our set plays sabaac.. So that's what they're playing. Anyway, Jonathan walks up.-- JONATHAN: Commissioner Jareth,(to Sarah) Mrs. Jareth, how nice you look tonight.(to Jareth) Have you heard this crazy rumor that you have opened a file on Batman? That's not true is it? --Jonathan puts his hands behind his head and wiggles his fingers. Like little bat ears. Jareth groans. Because he, like the rest of us finds Jonathan annoying.-- JONATHAN:(does the Wolvie pout) PENNY:(smiles) I don't think his annoying. I think he's sweet. JONATHAN:(grins) Thanks. AUTHOR: HEY!!!! Back to the script!!!!! JARETH: Carnahan, for the ninth time, there is no bat. If there were, we would find him.....and we would arrest him. JONATHAN:.......find him and arrest him. That's what I always hear, Commissioner. Be straight with me. --Grant ambles up, and clamps a hand on Jareth's shoulder.-- GRANT: How's your luck, Jareth? JONATHAN: Mr. Grant. Commissioner Jareth and I were just talking about winged vigilantes, what's your stand? GRANT: Mr. Carnahan, we have enough real problems in this city without worrying about ghosts and goblins. CASSI: Right, Commissioner Jareth left his goblins in the Underground. JONATHAN: That wasn't a denial. JOHN: No, but it wasn't a yes either. It was a "go away I don't like you" in disguise. --Frank Coltan dressed as a police officer motions to Jareth, who follows him into another room. Penny nods at Jonathan as they slip away to follow them. Malcom watches them. especially, Penny Parker.-- AUTHOR: End scene. CHRIS: Next scene. --A neon sign reads. "Axis Chemicals: The Future is Now." From the sign we pan to a metal sluice gate.........dumping tons of churning toxic sludge into Gotham's east river. Oh yeah, that's the future all right(makes a face).-- CASSI: Don't drink the river water. CYKE: Yuck! Like I would. WOLVIE: Toadpole might. CYKE: It probably wouldn't hurt him. AUTHOR: Just don't let Phyro near it. He might blow up the whole city. CASSI: REALLY? AUTHOR: NO!!!!! Don't even think about it. CASSI: (does the Wolvie pout) AUTHOR: Script! --Fiddles prances in....yes, him again.-- FIDDLES: It smells bad in here. I am back. I am here. I am really, really, am. BRUCE: That horse is GREEN!!! SELINA: Bruce, that horse just talked. CASSI: That's Fiddles. He's mad. ALAN: Like, Two-Face and Ryan Gaerity? AUTHOR: Worse. FIDDLES: Yup, yup, yup. I'm mad, mad I tell you......Really I am. I can prove it! --Fiddles lets out a loud roar, causing everyone on set to stare. I mean how often have you seen a horse roar? He is an elvish horse........not that any of the other elvish horses can roar.....Fiddles is just....well, weird. Sooner or later I'll get the story he is in published. Anyway, you were wanting more of the spoof and here I am going on and on and....sorry!-- AUTHOR: Okay back to the spoof. CHRIS: About time. AUTHOR: (shoots Chris a dirty look) AXIS CHEMICALS ***************** --A plain white van pulls up. Ryan, Murdoc, and several Jellicles get out. A few moments later, the security guard booth blows up. (gee makes me not want to go to work).-- CHRIS: So much for sneaking in. RYAN: Oh come on, we've already been ratted out. I read the script. AUTHOR: You certainly don't follow it. CASSI: (to Ryan) You actually read the script? You really are insane. RYAN: (grins proudly) AUTHOR: End this scene. Back to Malcom Manor. MALCOM MANOR ***************** --Jonathan and Penny enter a room looking for Jareth. Obviously, they don't find him. After all, he IS the Goblin King. If he wants to be found, he'll be found. Jonathan stares around the room, as does Penny.-- JONATHAN: Wait a minute. I get it, living room, dining room, and arsenal. (he pauses as he takes in the room) Look at all this stuff. Who is this guy? CASSI: An insane mad-man that runs around in a rubber suit. BRUCE & MALCOM: (glare at Cassi) CHRIS: Back to the script. --Malcom enters behind Penny and Jonathan. He listens to them with interest.-- PENNY: Strange. He gives to humanitarian causes.........and collects all this........ JONATHAN: He probably does it to get chicks. I would. They like him for his big charity balls. PENNY: I think it's his enormous....bankroll they go for. JONATHAN: Hey, the more they've got the less they're worth. PENNY: Then this guy must be the most worthless guy in America. JONATHAN: (pointing at a statue) Check this guy out, he must be the king of the wicker people. PENNY: (laughs) JONATHAN: (points at another) And this one must be king of the dinosaurs. MALCOM: (alarmed) There aren't any dinosaurs in there..... --The Velociraptor shoots his head forward and nearly takes Jonathan's head off. Jonathan faints. The raptor looks offended.-- RAPTOR (STEVE): Pul-eeze (exits, disgusted) --Malcom stares after the raptor as the Author dumps a bucket of water on Jonathan's head.-- AUTHOR: Rise and shine, and pretend Malcom didn't say anything. JONATHAN: (stands and looks around embarrassed) Where did that thing come from? CASSI: The island with all the dinosaurs. GRANT: Wonderful. AUTHOR: SCRIPT!!!! JONATHAN: (points at another statue warily) Where did this come from? PENNY: Oh, I have no idea. MALCOM: It's Japanese. JONATHAN: (turns) How do you know? MALCOM: Because I bought it in Japan. TWO-FACE: No you didn't. (points at Bruce) HE did! MALCOM: (glares) I'm just following the script. JONATHAN: Who are you? LUKE: Isn't that ovious? MALCOM: Oh sorry, Ian Malcom. JONATHAN: (shakes his hand) Jonathan Carnahan. MALCOM: Hi, oh, I read your work. I like it, I like it a lot. JONATHAN: Oh thanks. Can I have a grant? RICK: Boy, is he dreaming. JONATHAN: It's a joke, Rick. CASSI: And what's really funny is he gets it. RICK: What?! CYKE: Yer gonna give him money? WOLVIE: (to Bruce Wayne) Can I have a grant? BRUCE: Uh....er, I'll think about it. WOLVIE: (sticks his tongue out and sits in Bruce's lap) AUTHOR: (annoyed) Can we continue? I want to get to the part where Gaerity falls in the vat of toxic waste! SPIKE: You're going to use green paint aren't you? AUTHOR: (gives Spike a Look, but doesn't answer his question) Let's continue. --Malcom turns to Penny.-- PENNY: Penny Parker. MALCOM: Hi, Ian Malcom. PENNY: (grins) Are you sure? MALCOM: Most of the time. The rest of the time I feel like dinosaur bait. CASSI: I'll have to mention that to Ralph, when he comes in. MALCOM: (stares) I won't ask. TWO-FACE: (yawns) We find this boring. AUTHOR: Do I look like I care what you think? TWO-FACE: (sighs) MALCOM: (to Penny) I've seen your photos from Corta Malteze haven't I? PENNY: Well, actually, I didn't really take them. Murdoc did. MACGYVER: Figures. MURDOC: (grins) I'm glad everyone likes them. AUTHOR: Script, Penny was supposed to have taken them, so be quiet Murdoc! MALCOM: (to Penny) You know you've got a wonderful eye. JONATHAN: Most people think she has two. WOLVIE: Da-uh. PENNY: This is an amazing house. I'd like to shoot it sometime, if you'd like. CASSI: (yelling) DRIVE BY!!!!!!! AUTHOR: Cassi, hush. JIMMY BOND: (enters) Mr. Malcom, we need to open a few more cases of the champagne. It appears that someone bet an officer, by the name of Logan that he could drink more than him. So far, neither one of them has stopped. CASSI: Who bet him? JIMMY B: A vampire by the name of Spike. BRUCE: No more champagne. AUTHOR: Good idea. Jimmy go to the nearest liquor store and buy several cases of the strongest stuff they have. That should keep them busy for awhile. BRUCE: (hands Jimmy $200 dollars) Keep the change. JIMMY B: (grins) I love this place. (exits) MALCOM: (turns back to Penny) Anyway, are you going to be staying in Gotham for awhile? JONATHAN: (mutters) Unfortunately. MALCOM: I was talking to Penny. JONATHAN: (makes a face at Malcom as soon as he's not looking) Sorry. PENNY: (snickers) MALCOM: (mutters under his breath) PENNY: I'd love too. I'm intrigued by Jonathan's giant bat story. So I've done some..... MALCOM: Oh, the uh right, the Bat.....the Batman. Oh yeah, uh that's a little light after the war in Corta Malteze, isn't it? PENNY: (glares) And what do you do for a living? --Malcom starts to answer, but Ardeth enters.-- ARDETH: Sir, Commissioner Jareth was compelled to leave. MALCOM: Thank you, Al Fred. (starts to turn back to Penny) ARDETH: (glares and clenches his hand on his lighsaber.) Very unexpectedly, SIR!!!! MALCOM: (nods) Will you excuse me? (starts to leave) ARDETH: I think perhaps this way, sir. (points in the opposite direction) IMHOTEP: Such a fitting role for a Med-Jai. ARDETH: (glares and clenches his lightsaber so hard that his knuckles are white with strain.) WOLVIE: (yelling) Fight!! AUTHOR: NO!!!!!!!!! I want Gaerity thrown in the toxic waste. So HURRY UP!!!! RYAN: Now you're beginning to worry me. CHRIS: SCRIPT!! MALCOM: Oh yes, thanks. Oh and Al, make sure Jimmy gets back with that liquor. We don't won't Spike and Logan looking for the good stuff. Oh, and give Carnahan a grant. RICK: That is so unfair. AUTHOR: Okay Malcom leaves. PENNY: Good, he was getting annoying. JONATHAN: (to Penny) Want to go somewhere for real food? The food here sucks. BRUCE: (glares) PENNY: (smiles) Sure, I'd love too. --Jonathan and Penny leave and we skip ahead to the toxic waste plant.-- AXIS CHEMICALS ****************** --Police cars are pulling into the parking lot. Dalton circulates among his armed swat team. (some of the X-Men.) He is handing out xeroxed copies of a mugshot: Ryan Gaerity, front and profile. In the picture Ryan's hair is long (watch the movie Blown Away if you want to see it)and underneath the picture it reads. "Ryan Gaerity, wanted by Interpol, international terrorist. Escaped from Castle Gleigh prison twelve months ago."-- MURDOC: Let me guess, that's his real file? AUTHOR: Of course, it was easy to get. I stole it from a guy named "James Dove." He wasn't using it. RYAN: (laughs) That is because he thinks I'm dead. BUFFY: You don't look dead to me. RYAN: Yeah, well I felt like it seven months ago. AUTHOR: Script!!! DALTON: Shoot to kill. CHRIS: To Ryan's group. AXIS CHEMICALS: File room: ************************** --In the file room at Axis Chemicals, sparks fly. Macavity, in a welder's mask, uses a blowtorch on the office safe. (yes we gave a cat a blowtorch, why not? We give maniacs lightsabers and flamethrowers) Behind him Ryan's Jellicle mobsters, Poucival, Tumblebrutus, Coricopat, Alonzo, Asparagus, and Murdoc (who isn't a Jellicle, he's just insane) are at work on the file cabinets. Ryan stands watching, as he fiddles with a small object in his hands. Macavity, kills his blowtorch and opens the metal door of the safe, giving Ryan a good look inside the safe, which is empty.-- MACAVITY: Is it supposed to be empty? --Ryan shakes his head and a siren blares outside.-- RYAN: We've been ratted out here, boys. Watch it. --They exit the office and see Scott in a police uniform down below.-- SCOTT: (yelling) FREEZE!!! POUNCE: I got him!! --Pouncival opens fire. The Jellicles hit the floor, as does everyone else on set, except Ryan. Ryan calmly walks up to Pounce and takes the gun away......Pounce does the "Wolvie pout" and the group separates. Scott fires his optic blast as they scatter. A large steel door at the side of the building rises and Commissioner Jareth walks in with the rest of the X-Men.....minus Logan who is still having a drinking contest with Spike. Jareth grabs Jack Dalton by the shoulder.-- JARETH: What the hell is going on here? AUTHOR: Watch the language. DALTON: (to Jareth) What are you trying to do? Blow the collar? SUGAH: What collar? CYKE: Ignore them, they're weird grown ups. JARETH: I'm in charge here, not Magneto! GAMBIT: Which makes all us X-Men glad. SCOTT: You said it. GRANT: I thought the Evil Author's were in charge. AUTHOR: We are, so script!!!! JARETH: (shouting) I want him taken alive. I repeat....any man who opens fire on Ryan Gaerity will answer to me!!!! --Ryan press a button on the small object he was messing with. An explosion rocks the plant knocking Jareth off his feet and into a puddle of slime. Jareth stands angrily.-- JARETH: (shouting) I've changed my mind!!! Shoot to kill!!!! AUTHOR: (isn't paying attention, she's talking with Cassi.) RYAN: (looks worried) CHRIS: Hey Sven? Did you hear that? AUTHOR: Hear what? CHRIS: Jareth just told them to shoot to kill. AUTHOR: Doesn't matter, they shoot at him anyway. Now stop bothering me. Cassi and I were discussing adding another character. CHRIS: What character? AUTHOR: One of the main characters from the movie I'm spoofing next. CHRIS: And that would be? AUTHOR: You'll find out when and if they show up. CASSI: Sven, we've already got two of them on set! AUTHOR: This one isn't insane..........he's just a carrier. CASSI: Why don't we wait and see if he shows, this guy, like the ones from "ER" doesn't have a life. CARTER: (yelling from medlab) I heard that!!! AUTHOR: I invited Cosmo also. They'll show, Cosmo will talk him into it. I'm just not sure how long it will take him to do it. CHRIS: Can we continue? AUTHOR: Yes! I want to get to the toxic waste part. --Dalton slips away from Jareth who is still mad at Ryan. Ryan is across the building on the ground floor, throwing switches and pushing buttons. Gigantic machines roar to life. Overhead the chemical tanks rotate into place above giant basins and spew out their contents. Bobby, Scott, Luke, and Gambit chase after Ryan. He uses the gun he took from Pounce to shoot at them, then he runs. Asparagus and Alonzo run across the elevated walkway, firing at the.....er "Police". They puncture more ducts, pipes, and containers, thereby releasing more chemicals. (boy we're making a mess) They turn at the sound of a clang. Malcom in the batsuit drops onto the catwalk from above. For a moment they stare in shock. Then Alonzo takes off, running; Asparagus turns and levels his gun at Malcom.-- **As we have moved and Sven currently doesn't have the time to type, I am back again. Fortunately, this spoof is now half finished, so I don't have much more to type, however, I am also working on finishing The Phantom and Cutthroat, while writing 3 other new ones, so we'll see how long my hands hold out--Cassi** -- Malcom goes to his belt for a miniature spear gun and fires it at Asparagus, planting a barbed hook in his jacket, spinning him around. Asparagus drops his gun, slips and--with a terrible shriek--topples over the railing. The hook in his jacket jerks up short....leaving him to dangle thirty feet above the factory floor-- AUTHOR: To Jareth. JARETH: (stares at Asparagus) Nice toys! MALCOM: Thankyou. (points at Bruce) They're his. AUTHOR: Now to Ryan, who's looking for as exit. Behind him, a steel door begins to rise! More X-Men! RYAN: I see why Magneto really doesn't like these people. AUTHOR: Quiet. I'm narrating! Now you have to get an axe. RYAN: (grins maniacally, picks up the axe, and runs to the bottom of the iron stairs, to some huge steel containers with, "Danger, Highly Toxic" written on them, and a skull with cross-bones under it. He swings the axe, releasing a river of wild colored poisons) CHRIS: The X-Men, at the bottom of the stairs, retreat hastily, bumping into each other, as the poisons flood toward them. BOBBY: (shoots a stream of ice at the poison, freezing it) AUTHOR: Really cute, Bobby. Now unfreeze it! BOBBY: Can't. CHRIS: Ignore it. Script! RYAN: (throws the axe at the X-Men, and misses) Darn! (hurries up the stairs) CHRIS: Ryan climbs the metal stairs. Above him, vats of churning chemical sludge--and sluice gates opening on the east river. It's the waste dump. AUTHOR: Ryan reaches the catwalk, located above the center of it is a glass paneled window, propped open by a supporting rod. Beyond if a forty foot drop to the swirling black currents of the east river..... and freedom. --Ryan makes a dash for it, and has begun to climb up to it, when Malcom hurtles in and puts him in a wrestling hold. Ryan struggles for a moment before looking at Malcom.-- RYAN: Woah, talk about freaky looking! BRUCE: I don't remember him saying that. AUTHOR: He didn't, but I didn't like what he said, anyway. Jack Napier needed his mouth washed out with soap. Now, let's continue. MURDOC: Hold it! CHRIS: To the factory floor, where Murdoc's got a gun to Jareth's head. MURDOC: Let him go or I'll blow the King's head off. JARETH: You're going to regret saying that, Mr. Unkillable. MURDOC: (grins) CHRIS: A tense moment passes. Dalton appears on the floor, and looks up at Ryan. Malcom releases Ryan ans stands clear. Ryan straightens his clothes and fixes his hair. RYAN: (smirking at Malcom) Nice outfit. --Ryan sees the gun he grabbed from Pouncie laying on the catwalk. He grabs it and turns toward Malcom. Malcom has vanished. Ryan gives a confused look before seeing Dalton.-- MURDOC: Come on, Ryan! Let's get out of here! RYAN: (points the gun at Dalton) Dalton! Think about the future! --All eyes turn toward Ryan, standing poised with the .38 in his fist. He fires, and Dalton falls down, dead. Then he turns the gun toward Jareth.--Malcom reappears. Ryan spins on Malcom, and their eyes meet for a second. Ryan smiles insanely, and fires at point-blank range at Malcom. Malcom swings his heavy cape around and the bullet ricochets directly back at Ryan--A bloodcurdling howl is heard from the catwalk, and Ryan staggers, clutching at his cheeks while blood gushes between his fingers **violent, aren't we?** Ryan Gaerity has been shot through the face...as I'm sure you've already guessed, because obviously, if he'd been shot anywhere else, why would he be holding his face??-- TWO FACE: That has got to hurt. CYKE: Cool! CHRIS: He staggers to the catwalk, railing, and topples over, just managing to grab hold of the lowest rung. Directly beneath him, is a catch basin full of bubbling toxic waste. --Malcom leaps and gets a poor grip on Ryan's hand. He stares, perplexed, at the stricken expression in the man's eyes. Ryan is sliding out of Malcom's grasp--Ryan looks up at Malcom in terror and slips away to plunge the two stories down into the toxic waste, screaming all the way. **dramatic, ey?** CHRIS: Now to Jareth. JARETH: (looks at the vat, satisfied) Served him right. SPIKE: (Looks at the green stuff) What is that, anyway? AUTHOR: (in a "well, duh" tone) Toxic waste. SPIKE: Yeah right, sure. You wouldn't use the real stuff on him....(pauses) Would you? AUTHOR: (just looks at him) SPIKE: (looks again at the vat) Yeah right.....ehh...okay. (laughs nervously) CHRIS: Okay, Malcom exits in the smoke, now and end scene. it's not important, anyway. AUTHOR: We now go down to the river. An ace....a card from Ryan's lucky deck, pierced by a neat, round bullet hole, bobbing on the oily surface of the foul, polluted river. Gradually, other cards from the deck swirl past...a nine, a deuce, a queen, and finally, a Joker, shot cleanly through the middle. Suddenly, a bone-white hand breaks the surface! CHRIS: Cut and print! SPIKE: Hey! AUTHOR: It's in the script! WOLVIE: I'm bored. CYKE: Tho am I. WOLVIE: Copycat. CYKE: Wlovie's callin' me names! SHADOWKITTY: I'm the only cat around here. CREEPY: Hey, no fair fighting without me! AUTHOR: Quiet! LUKE: Yeah, or I'll use the Darkside. X-BABIES: (look horrified) AUTHOR: Leave it to the Sith Lord to quiet the kids. LUKE: (shrugs) BYERS: That wasn't a denial. LUKE: (glares) She's gonna call me a Sith Lord no matter what I do. I might as well act the part. CASSI: Another victim of spoof logic. ARDETH: Complete and utter insanity!!! (laughs insanely) RICK: Eh, I think you've been here too long, Ardeth. ARDETH: (grins) SPIKE: So what's gonna happen to Gaerity? AUTHOR: He's in with Mungojerrie. He'll be back for his next part. He's having minor surgery. SPIKE: So tell me. Who's the new guys you're planning to bring in? Cosmo and this other guy? AUTHOR: (doesn't answer) SPIKE: Well? AUTHOR: You'll see. SPIKE: Not fair. CASSI: Spike, they may not show up in this spoof at all. MULDER: (enters) I followed Fiddles. Why wasn't I invited? AUTHOR: (looks pointedly at Mulder's purple "Phantom" suit) You looked in the mirror? We have enough freaks on set. MULDER: You're not funny. MALCOM: (enters in costume) Nice suit. MULDER: (looks at Malcom) Right. Freaks. Gotcha. AUTHOR: Take a seat, Mulder. --Mungojerrie hurries out of med-lad looking very ill. The sound of maniacal laughter is heard, coming from the lab-- SPIKE: What in the-- MUNGO: Don' go in there. --Carter and Teazer hurry out and close the door. The sound of glass breaking can be heard from inside the room-- MULDER: Did I miss something? CARTER: Umm, Author? Gaerity wishes to speak with you. AUTHOR: (nods and enters medlab, closing the door behind her) MULDER: What's going on? CASSI: Oh you know. Same ole, same ole. MULDER: That bad, ey? Who's Gaerity? MURDOC: An insane bomb expert. MACGYVER: Another Murdoc. SPIKE: Who happens to look like Tommy Lee Jones with an Irish accent. CASSI: Will you just shut up, Evil Dead? I sincerely doubt he looks like Tommy Lee Jones now. SPIKE: Why is that? You guys get good makeup on him? CASSI: Make up? What makeup? AUTHOR: (enters) We're gonna skip a few scenes. Skip the scene at the Gotham Globe. Skip Malcom's date with Penny. We don't allow sex scenes on our set, anyway. Skip Malcom hanging by his feet on a bar..... CHRIS: (pulls six pages from the stack and throws them into the garbage) AUTHOR: We skip to Magneto's penthouse at night. CHRIS: The private elevator opens and Ryan steps out, bundled in a trenchcoat and hat. His face conceled from view. MAGNETO: (is seated at his desk) Is that you, Sugar Bumps? SPIKE: I don't think it's Harmony. CASSI: I doubt it, because Chris just said it was Ryan. RYAN: (moves forward) MAGNET: Who the h*** are you?! RYAN: (laughs) It's me. MAGNETO: Ryan? (pauses) Thank God you're alive. I heard you'd been... RYAN: You heard wrong. (moves closer with a gun in his hand) You set me up! Over a WOMAN!! You must be insane! She doesn't even LIKE me! MAGNETO: (reaches into his desk drawer) RYAN: Don't bother. MAGNETO: You're life won't be worth SPIT! RYAN: I've been dead already. It's very liberating--you have to think of it as therapy. MAGNETO: Ryan, listen. Maybe we can work out a deal. RYAN: Ryan? Ryan's dead, my friend. You can call me The Joker! (he flings the hat away) ALL: (gape in shock) --Ryan face is bleached bone-white. His hair is a seaweed green, and his cheeks are torn and puckered from the bullet wound, twisting his mouth into a hideous harlequin's grin. **as if he wasn't weird to start with**-- RYAN: And as you can see, I'm a lot happier. (he begins laughing and starts shooting at Magneto....he Empties the clip--the bullets are frozen in the air) --Ryan laughs harder and lifts a small box in his hand and he pushes a button. Magneto's chair explodes, killing him-- CHRIS: Way COOL! MURDOC: Nice touch, boss. SPIKE: Is that his real face? RYAN: (nods gleefully) Isn't it great? AUTHOR: Told you he was insane. BRUCE: So basically, you made another Joker. AUTHOR: (points at Malcom) No, he did. MALCOM: Great. I'm responsible for THAT!? GRANT: Makes Hammond look tame, doesn't it? AUTHOR: Yep, now SCRIPT! CHRIS: Ryan is staring out the window. RYAN: Gotham City. It always brings a smile to my face. (he turns and notices a partially burnt copy of the Globe laying on Magneto's half-burnt desk....he reads the headline) "Winged freak terrorizes." (laughs) Wait'll they get a load of me. (starts laughing insanely) CHRIS: Cut! RYAN: I love this movie. CYKE: Thith ith cool. WOLVIE: He looks like a clown. AUTHOR: Watch it, Wolvie. He'll blow you up, and besides, he doesn't look like a clown. He looks like a Joker. There's a difference. --Mungojerrie carts off the pieces of Magneto while Rumpelteazer and Dr. Carter take Jack Dalton's corpse into medlab-- AUTHOR: (snaps her fingers, and the medlab is no longer trashed) CARTER: Thankyou! RYAN: Sorry about the lab! (laughs) CARTER: (backs away, slowly) CASSI: You picked the perfect guy for the Joker. AUTHOR: I know. There simply isn't a better person. CHRIS: (glances at his watch) Um, Cassi, Author, John.... I believe we have some stuff to discuss. AUTHOR: (glances at her watch and nods) --They all exit-- SPIKE: Hey, Al, when you gonna wipe that happyface off your forehead? ARDETH: She's just going to put it back again and stop calling me Al Fred! SPIKE: Why? ARDETH: (glares and exits...on his way out, he passes a small pink ball with a microphone. He grins and pats Jiggly on the head before continuing on his way into the greenroom) GREEN ROOM ************** CASSI: Come to join us? ARDETH: I figured it was Jigglypuff again. AUTHOR: (points at the screen as the cast and Peanut Gallery fall asleep) Isn't it great? CHRIS: I'm glad I'm in here. JOHN: Same here. MAIN SET ************* --Jigglypuff is coloring faces. She stops and stares at Ryan confused. She shrugs and skip over him, probably figuring someone else already did his face-- GREEN ROOM --one hour later *************************** ARDETH: Time to wake everyone up. AUTHOR: Yep. --Chris, Cassi, Author, John, and Ardeth enter the main set. On the way, they run into two men-- SAM GERARD: We were invited? COSMO RENFRO: Yeah, by someone named "evilspoofauthor1" AUTHOR: That would be me. I didn't expect you this early. GERARD: We got curious. COSMO: Extremely. CASSI: Great, now we have four of them. AUTHOR: Come on, Cassi. Gaerity doesn't look like him anymore. CHRIS: You guys are lucky. If you'd been here any earlier, you might have become part of Jiggly's artwork. COSMO: what? AUTHOR: (opens the door to the main set, and points to the sleeping cast and Peanut Gallery) This is Jigglypuff's artwork. COSMO: They look like they've been colored on. AUTHOR: they have. GERARD: Is it too late to change my mind? AUTHOR: (grins evilly) Yes. ARDETH: WAKE UP EVERYONE!!!!! CASSI: Not in my ear, please. ARDETH: Sorry. RICK: (sits up) Oh, not AGAIN! IMHOTEP: (stands and hurries to the bathroom) ASH: I really do regret helping her get her voice back. MISTY: I second that. SPIKE: (mutters obscenely before noticing the new guests....his eyes go to the badges hanging from their belts) MURDOC: Those are US Marshals AUTHOR: Yep. GERARD: (stares at Murdoc) I know you. You're an assassin, and you're wanted in almost every country in the world. MURDOC: (looks disappointed) I know. I'm deeply ashamed. I tried so hard to be wanted in EVERY country. AUTHOR: Sorry, Gerard. You can't arrest anyone on set. We don't allow that. CASSI: Besides, he's one of the best actors we have. MURDOC: (grins proudly) CASSI: So when can we continue? CHRIS: Everybody, you have half and hour to clean up before we continue. RYAN: She didn't draw on my face. COSMO: (stares) Wow, what happened to your face? AUTHOR: He fell into a vat of toxic waste. RYAN: (laughs insanely) I'm the Joker. GERARD: Really? Well, then I feel sorry for Batman. That's what you're doing, right? AUTHOR: Yep, now sit down and shut up. --30 Minutes later--- CHRIS: Time to continue. Morning. Ian Malcom's house. Ian is asleep, with his legs over the back of a chaise lounge. Penny is dressing-- PENNY: Did I miss something? CHRIS: We skipped your date, you were supposed to have slept with him last night. Now say your lines. PENNY: (wakes Malcom up) Hey, I've got an idea. How about lunch at my place? I'll show you some photos. MALCOM: (blinks sleep from his eyes) Sure, okay....(pauses) No wait a minute. I can't. I can't make it. PENNY: Well, then we'll make it later in the day. MALCOM: I can't make it then, either. I've got a very important meeting today. PENNY: What's wrong? MALCOM: Nothing's wrong. (pauses) Really, I've just got to go out of town on business for a few days. PENNY: Okay, we'll do it when you get back. MALCOM: Alright. PENNY: I've got to go, I'm late. CHRIS: Now, you have to kiss. PENNY: Why? He's lying to me. CHRIS: Just do it. PENNY & MALCOM: (kiss) PENNY: Bye. (leaves) CHRIS: She runs into Ardeth on the stairs. PENNY: Hello, Ardeth. It's nice to see you again. ARDETH: (smiles) It's nice to see you again, too, Miss Parker. CASSI: See how nice he is when you don't call him Al? (gives Spike a look) COSMO: This is weird. AUTHOR: So? Everything's weird on this set. We're evilspoofauthors. Get used to it. RYAN: Yeah. It's fun. CHRIS: Script now? COSMO: Why? AUTHOR: Pikachu? PIKACHU: PiiikaaaaCHUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!! (electrocutes Cosmo) COSMO: (coughs) I wanna go home. GERARD: It's a little late for that, Cosmo. Remember? You talked me into this. AUTHOR: Now where were we? JAMES: I'm bored. AUTHOR: James, if you're not quiet, I'll give Two-Face back his coin. JAMES: I'm quiet. AUTHOR: Now script. Penny's line. PENNY: Yeah, I guess I'll see you when you get back. ARDETH: Back? We're going to be here for quite a while....unfortunately. It'll be a while before I can escape back to my pirate ship. PENNY: Oh....well, bye. See you. CHRIS: End scene. PENNY: Some men are such jerks. AUTHOR: Next scene. Harmony's apartment. HARMONY: (enters with an armload of dress bags) RYAN: ( is seated on her couch, directly in front of her) Honey! HARMONY: (stares) --Ryan is sitting, cross-legged on the couch, wearing a purple suit, and holding a dry martini-- RYAN: You'll never believe what happened to me today. HARMONY: (faints) CHRIS: Cut. End scene. Next, Penthouse suite. Will someone please volunteer to play Rottelli? ANGELUS: Is it a gangster? AUTHOR: Have you seen this movie? ANGELUS: No. AUTHOR: You want the part? ANGELUS: (nervous) Not a chance. AUTHOR: Darn. (glances at the Peanut Gallery) Any volunteers, or do I have to choose someone? --Dead silence-- COSMO: What does this role require? GERARD: I wouldn't if I were you. COSMO: Why? GERARD: You wanna die? I have a bad feeling about this. COSMO: Never mind. AUTHOR: Thanks, Wyatt Earp! He would have made a great Rottelli. TOAD: Oh, I'll do it! AUTHOR: Huh? TOAD: You can bring me back. CASSI: Better idea. Let's use Ash. He might live through it. ASH: (stares horrified) COSMO: No way, that's a kid! I'll do it! CHRIS: Okay, we have two volunteers who wanna die. COSMO: Die? CHRIS: Don't worry, we can bring you back. AUTHOR: So, who will it be? Oh wait, never mind. There's two parts that need to be filled. We need a Ricorso and a Rottelli. Toad, you're Rottelli, and Cosmo, you'll be Ricorso. Don't worry, you both die. Cosmo, however, lives a bit longer. Jellicles, to your places! Gaerity, do your stuff! CHRIS: Alright, the Gand Lords stare at Ryan, at the head of the table. RYAN: So that, gentlemen and Jellicles, is how it is. Until Magneto resurfaces....I'm the acting President. And I say we start with this anniversary festival and run this city to the ground. --Ryan's face is layered with flesh colored makeup, and his hair's been rinsed black, but he can't conceal his ghoulish grin-- COSMO: Uh, this is gonna sound real weird, but he looks like Sammy. I swear that if he got rid of that creepy smile, they'd be twins. AUTHOR: Da-uh! (points to Two-Face) So do they. COSMO: They? AUTHOR: Yeah, we consider them to be two people. Now script! COSMO: Okay, so I just read? CHRIS: (moans) If he keeps this up, we'll need a stand in! GERARD: Cosmo just act! Pretend you're undercover! CASSI: Yeah, and on that note, we need to tell you US Marshalls that no chicken suits are allowed on set unless we say so. COSMO: (laughs) GERARD: (reddens) AUTHOR: thankyou, Cassi, now SCRIPT! NOW! Or you shall be charred! Right Ash? ASH: (throws a Pokeball) Go Charizard! CHARIZARD: (looks at everyone, glaring) AUTHOR: Any questions? MURDOC: (snickers) AUTHOR: (glares) Lets continue. Cosmo, you're up. COSMO: (regains his composure) Why didn't we hear this from Magneto? CYKE: Cuth he'th in a few hundered pietheth in medlab right now. COSMO: (stares) Tell me he's not serious. AUTHOR: (smiles) Shall we continue? GERARD: Cooper and Biggs are gonna love this one. COSMO: You wouldn't tell them, would you? GERARD: (smiles) AUTHOR: Script! TOAD: And what's with that stupid grin? RYAN: Life's been good to me. MUNGO: 'E wasn' sayin' tha' earlieah! AUTHOR: No, he was cursing in Gaelic, now let's continue. TOAD: What if we say no? RYAN: Well, Toad, nobody wants a war. If we can't do business, we shake hands.....and that's it. TOAD: Yeah? RYAN: Yeah. CHRIS: Goodbye, Toad. AUTHOR: Toad stands up and extends his hand. --Ryan shakes. A joy buzzer is concealed in his hand. 40,000 volts of electricity course through Toad's body-- RYAN: Oh, I've got a live one here! (begins to laugh, manically before he starts singing) Oh, there'll be a hot time in the old town tonight!!! (laughs more) AUTHOR: Toad drops back into his seat a blackened husk, smoke pouring out from his sleeves and shirt collar. A squad of armed thugs burst into the room. Murdoc, Ryan's number one guy stands at his side. RYAN: (laughs) Toad got a little hot under the collar. (laughs some more) COSMO: (stands to leave) You're crazy. RYAN: (innocently) Haven't you ever heard of the healing power of laughter? (he begins to laugh again, removes his hat, and wipes sweat off his brow, exposing a patch of chalk-white flesh) Now get out of here!!!!! MURDOC: You heard him. Let's GO!!!!! RYAN: And think it over! CHRIS: The "Gangsters" are escorted out by Ryan's "Thugs". RYAN: Murdoc, I want you to go down to the Globe, follow that reporter, Carnahan. Take your camera. Find out what you can about this Batman. MURDOC: (grins) Yes sir. CHRIS: Murdoc exits, leaving Ryan alone with the charred corpse of Toad. Ryan addresses the body. RYAN: Your pals, they're not bad people. Maybe we give 'em a couple of days to think it over. (pauses as if listening to Toad) No? (listens again) Grease 'em now? (feigns being shocked) Okay. (shakes his head, mock-sorrowfully) You're a vicious bastard, Toad. I'm glad you're dead. (laughs some more) Oh, that's a great one! I'm glad you're dead! (laughs insanely) CHRIS: Uhhh, end scene. (stares at Gaerity, who is rolling on the floor, in hysterics) Ooookaaay. GERARD: Okay, now he's scaring ME! CHRIS: YOU? I'm the Author's assistant, and he's freaking me out! AUTHOR: (laughs) I think he's funny. CASSI: (joins her) CHRIS: Ummm... ARDETH: (snickers) IMHOTEP: The mad one is amusing. FIDDLES: Very very very funny!!!! Yes he is yes he is!!! (jumps around laughing) GERARD: (stares) MULDER: Quiet, Fiddles. FIDDLES: You be quiet, or I will not allow you to ride me. Nope, nope!!!! AUTHOR: Will someone please get Ryan an Oscar? JOHN: (hands Ryan an Oscar) RYAN: (accepts it and bows) Oh thankyou. This is such a wonderful day! AUTHOR: Stop trying for a second one. RYAN: Sorry. CHRIS: Now to Gotham Globe. AUTHOR: Penny, you need to look through the filing cabinets. PENNY: For what? AUTHOR: For Malcom's file. PENNY: (searches through the files cabinets) JOHNATHAN: (appears at her shoulder and hands her the file) PENNY: Oh I need that. (she grabs it and looks through the very thick file) JOHNATHAN: I'm losing confidence in you. I thought we were a team. PENNY: This wouldn't be a personal issue for you, would it? JOHNATHAN: I just want you to do your job. PENNY: (flatly) I AM doing my job! JOHNATHAN: Me too. I'm protecting my partner. PENNY: Have you seen this file? This guy sounds like a ranting lunatic. How could this one island be that bad? MALCOM: Try visiting it! AUTHOR: Penny, read the script, not the file. PENNY: But-- AUTHOR: Script! PENNY: (sighs) There's nothing in this file. No photos, no history, nothing! Who is this guy? CHRIS: She angrily tosses the file on the floor and exits. JOHNATHAN: Who cares? Forget Ian Malcom! I'm onto Batman! --Suddenly, there is a loud gunshot heard from the Peanut Gallery. Bruce Wayne falls to the floor, dead.-- TWO-FACE: (grins happily) Dead! Dead! Dead! No more wretched flying RAT!!!! AUTHOR: (hold her hand out) Gun now. TWO-FACE: (pouts and hands the gun over) AUTHOR: Mungo! MUNGO: No' anothah one! Why does tha' insane maniac keep shoo'in' people!? AUTHOR: He hates Batman. I'm surprised it took him THIS long. TWO-FACE: NOOOO!!!! You can't bring him BACK!!!! AUTHOR: Sorry, we might need him for a later spoof. --Mungo and Dr. Carter carry Bruce out on a stretcher-- WOLVIE: Wow. PHYRO: This is cool. AUTHOR: The next time a weapon is discharged in the Peanut Gallery, all weapons will be confiscated! SELINA: (glares at Harvey Two-Face) TWO-FACE: (pouting) RYAN: (sticks his tongue out and waves his gun) GERARD: (laughs) COSMO: No comment. AUTHOR: Casualty of being on our set. Complete insanity. COSMO: I'm not worried. Sam's a carrier. I've already been exposed to it. CASSI: Good. One less person to corrupt. AUTHOR: Yeah, Cosmo's insane. Why else would he willingly volunteer to die? CASSI: (nods) Definite sign of insanity. COSMO: (to Gerard) This is your fault! GERARD: You're the one who wanted to come. COSMO: Yeah, but it was because you made me insane. I only hope my suit doesn't get ruined. It cost me a fortune. GERARD: (rolls his eyes) MURDOC: Nice clothes don't last long on this set. A few of us have had to burn ours, and Spike actually had to change about five times in one spoof. SPIKE: Only because of the Snowcone Guy. COSMO: Snowcone Guy? CASSI: You don't wanna know. Jiggly took his place.....and frankly, I like her better. COSMO: The one that drew on their faces? CASSI: (nods) She's so cute, AND she'll be back. COSMO: I can hardly wait. GERARD: Oh be a good sport, Cosmo. Think of it as a vacation. CASSI: (looks at Gerard with a smile) I like him. He's insane. GERARD: (grins) AUTHOR: We need to continue soon. LOGAN: No, really? SCOTT: You don't say. AUTHOR: (glares) CYKE: (zapps Wolvie with a red beam) WOLVIE: (punches Cyke) CYKE: Wolvie hit me back!!!! AUTHOR: (yawns) Good for Wolvie. CHRIS: Let's continue. AUTHOR: Okay, Malcom drops flowers in an alley and Penny takes pictures, now we can skip to City Hall. CITY HALL ************ --Malcom enters the city square. A painted street mime walks alongside him. The mime is the Animaniacs Mime.-- YAKKO: Hello everyone! COSMO: Huh? What is THAT!? WAKKO: What are you? DOT: I'm the cute one. (jumps into Cosmo's arms and kisses him on the lips) COSMO: (drops her) DOT: (glares) Jerk! AUTHOR: Script! CHRIS: A commotion catches Malcom's eye. He steps up to the edge of the gathered crowd. JONATHAN: They should be out here any second. I can't wait to hear the explanation on THIS one. --Cosmo Renfro, the crimelord from the board room, emerges, flanked by Peter Banning, the lawyer, and a pair of body guards--The Rum Tum Tugger and the Rumpus Cat.--They are met by a group of reporters, including Carnahan. Penny is looking for Malcom-- CHRIS: Spike, you're a reporter! Talk! SPIKE: So what's this (pauses) Affi-Davit you've filed? Magneto gave you all his businesses? COSMO: I really don't like the press. GERARD: Yep, they're all a bunch of bloodsuckers. AUTHOR: Bad pun. Back to the script. COSMO: Mr. Magneto asked me, as a personal favor, to take over the operation of his businesses until he returns. JONATHAN: That's a pretty big gift. You must have been pretty close. Did you do a little time together as children? COSMO: Now that wasn't even funny. GERARD: Especially since you've never even met this Magneto. AUTHOR: Cut it out, you two. TUGGER: Our council is looking into this. We can assure you the affi-davit is legitimate. CHRIS: Malcom is watching until his attention is drawn to Pouncival, Tumblebrutus, Coricopat, Alonzo, Asparagus, and Macavity converging on the scene. They are dressed like street mimes. Murdoc is taking photos of Johnathan and Penny. JONATHAN: I smell fresh ink, guys. I'm sure you can prove all this? Why am I asking? Of course you can. PETER: We have witnesses. Magneto's signature is completely legitimate. RYAN: It's legitimate! I saw him! I was there! (laughs) I saw it all! He reached up with his dead hand, and signed it in his own blood! And he did it with this pen! (holds up a ridiculously long quill pen) COSMO: (stares, horrified) Help?! RYAN: (laughs) Hello, Cosmo! It's your Uncle Bingo! Time to pay the check! --Ryan hurls the sharp tipped pen into Cosmo's throat. Cosmo falls, clutching his throat.--Pouncival and the Animaniacs Mime pull out machine guns and start shooting. Everyone on set, including the Author, duck for cover, except Malcom and Ryan. Ryan is laughing, and Malcom is standing as if in a trance-- POUNCE: Boingy boingy boingy!!! AUTHOR: Okay, who gave Pounce catnip AND a machine gun!? CARTER: Sorry! I gave him the catnip. He wouldn't leave! AUTHOR: Jareth, please? JARETH: (snaps his fingers, causing Pounce to fall asleep) --Unfortunately, the Animaniacs Mime is still shooting. Ryan walks up to him and takes the gun away, then pushes a button on a small box in his hand. City Hall explodes, sending shrapnel everywhere.-- PENNY: Ian! --Malcom is staring at Ryan, ignoring Penny completely. He starts walking toward Ryan-- RYAN: (heads for the getaway car) JONATHAN: Malcom, get down! TUMBLE: (fires his machine gun) --Ryan enters his car. Malcom looks into the window, and Ryan laughs and waves before the car takes off. Malcom just stands, watching the car, and Dr. Carter and Mungo enter and take Cosmo away on a stretcher. Penny runs to Malcom, but he doesn't see her. He turns and disappears into the crowd-- AUTHOR: Someone get Malcom an Oscar! That was beautiful! CHRIS: (gives Malcom an Oscar) MALCOM: Thankyou. (takes a bow before exiting) AUTHOR: And will someone take the machine gun away from Tumble? ARDETH: (snatches the gun) TUMBLE: (pouts) TOAD: (enters) I'm back. BRUCE: (enters) Me too. TWO-FACE: (begins sobbing) CYKE: I know why Magneto ithn't back yet. WOLVIE: Everyone does, dummy. AUTHOR: Luke, would you get med-lab a bacta-machine, so they can put Magneto back together? LUKE: Consider it done. AUTHOR: Ryan, can you try to stop blowing everything up? RYAN: But-- AUTHOR: I don't mind if a few things blow up, but just try to have some restraint. Also, if you give the kittens machine guns again, I'M shooting you, myself! RYAN: (pouts) CASSI: This is interesting. GERARD: I'm glad I remembered my bullet-proof vest. AUTHOR: (thinking) I might have to make those mandatory for the Peanut Gallery....between Ryan and Two-Face. POUNCE: (wakes up) Hey, who took my gun? TWO-FACE: Who else? POUNCE: (makes a face) Aww, MAN! AUTHOR: (tosses the machine guns to Ardeth) Keep these away from Ryan's henchcats, would you? ARDETH: (nods) Not a problem. Can I keep them? AUTHOR: Sure, add them to your collection. IMHOTEP: Can I have one? AUTHOR: Maybe later. CHRIS: Next scene? AUTHOR: Yep. LANDO: I'm bored. AUTHOR: If you don't be quiet, Lando, your name can become George. LANDO: (pales) --Suddenly, the sound of machine gun fire is heard-- AUTHOR: WHAT!? ARDETH: (glaring at the dead form of Xander Harris, while holding the machine gun) He called me Freddie. CASSI: No! No, no! Ardeth! We were gonna send the one that did that off with Abominable! ARDETH: Ooops. You can send him when they bring him back. CHRIS: Mungo! MUNGO: 'Ooo did i' this toime? --All cast point at Ardeth-- CARTER: (enters with a stretcher to help Mungo) AUTHOR: I'm getting a headache. CASSI: Want some painkillers? AUTHOR: (pulls out a bottle of Lortab) Nope, got it covered. CHRIS: Shall we continue? AUTHOR: Yes, please. CHRIS: A TV crew is broadcasting live from the....uh....bombing site. Um, we need a reported lady. AUTHOR: Jessie, you've done this before, right? JESSIE: Yep. AUTHOR: Part's yours. CHRIS: Okay, the minicam angle widens to include.....Alan Grant and Han Solo. Jessie thrusts a mic in Han's face. JESSIE: Does this gang war dampen the city's plans for the 200th Anniversary Festival? HAN: The festival opens. The police are going to stop these gangsters. RYAN: I doubt it. AUTHOR: Hush. RYAN: It's on my television! I can comment if I want to! AUTHOR: Comment later! JESSIE: Mr. Grant, what do you think of the theory that the mysterious Batman is a mob enforcer killing these men? --Suddenly, there is a terrific scream of rage, and the television screen shatters. Ryan is sitting in a swivel chair, holding an extendible boxing glove, which is now embedded in the television set. Murdoc enters, cautiously-- RYAN: Batman! Batman! Can somebody tell me what kind of world we live in where a man dressed as a flying rat gets all MY air time? This town needs an enema! MURDOC: You know you really need to work on those fits of rage. RYAN: I try! Really, I do, but I mean, look! That stupid Bat-boy gets all the news! Just once I'd like to hear about the mad bomber, or the insane Joker. Is that too much to ask? MURDOC: You could just kill them all. RYAN: That's a good idea. (reads the script and laughs) Let's do that. CASSI: I don't remember that. AUTHOR: It works. CHRIS: We need some scientists. AUTHOR: Hmm....(reads a list) Jean Grey and MacGyver, you guys have some background in chemestry. You do it. MACGYVER: Great. Now I'm working for an insane man. JEAN: It could be worse. CHRIS: Okay, Ryan rushes along a catwalk at Axis Chemical. He passes Jean and MacGyver. RYAN: (shouting over the noise) Have you shipped a million of those yet? MACGYVER: Yes sir! RYAN: Shit it all! Untangle the knots, roll the wheels! I've got my blood up! AUTHOR: Next scene. Ryan's lair. CHRIS: A dank, windowless room in the bowels of Axis Chemicals. RYAN: (is humming "Pop goes the Weasel") CHRIS: The room is covered in photographs...most of the pictures are of burnt and maimed people. Some of the photos are obviously ones that Murdoc has taken, while others are of several different wars. RYAN: Losing is a bad habit, Murdoc. So much to do and so little time. MURDOC: (hands him a packet) RYAN: Thankyou. (shuffles through the photos) Who's the putz? MURDOC: That's Carnahan. RYAN: Bad tie. No style. Looks like a coward. JONATHAN: Now that's not fair. RYAN: (throws the photo of Johnathan on the floor, and looks at the next photo) Stop the press!! Who is THAT!? MURDOC: That's Penny Parker. Lovely, isn't she? CASSI: Why is it the psychos always like Penny? MACGYVER: Haven't figured that one out myself. RYAN: That woman has style! A lovely woman like that could get a man up and running. MURDOC: Yeah, she's a real heartbreaker. RYAN: I will take the chance. (cuts out Penny's photo, and begins dancing with it) I've a mind to make some mayhem. Phonebook! CHRIS: End scene. AUTHOR: Next scene. Malcom enters, and Ardeth takes is coat, noticing a small bullet-hole through the sleeve where a bullet had just missed him. ARDETH: Can't you take care of your clothes? I am NOT a seamstress! AUTHOR: Ardeth, you can be called George, too. ARDETH: (looks slightly alarmed) Miss Parker called. She was rather concerned. (pauses) I've noticed there is...(trails off as a phone rings) AUTHOR: Now what? GERARD: (pulls out his cell phone) This is Gerard. (listens for a moment) No, I can't come in! (pauses) No, Cosmo can't either. (pauses) Because he's dead! (pauses) Yes, I'm serious! AUTHOR: (holds out her hand) GERARD: (hands the phone over) AUTHOR: (into the phone) I'm sorry, Gerard and Cosmo are not available at this time. They have been assimilated. If you try to call again, you will be fed to a pack of velociraptors. (hands the phone back to Gerard) GERARD: (into the phone) I told you I couldn't come in. (pauses) No, this isn't a prank, Biggs. I'm serious. (pauses) Look, I really can't talk right now. (pauses) No, don't bother calling back. I'm turning the phone off. (pauses) No, I don't care who you tell. Goodbye. (hangs up and turns his phone off) Annoying employees. ARDETH: May I continue now? --Then the sound of a phone is heard ringing from med-lab-- GERARD: That would be Cosmo's phone. MUNGO: (answers it) 'Ello? (pauses) No, 'e's dead. Yeh, Oi'm serious! 'E'll be aloive in abou' an hour. Call then. (pauses) Foine! (leaves Medlab, and hands the phone to Gerard) 'E didn' believe me. GERARD: Biggs! I told you not to call back! (pauses) That was Mungojerrie. (pauses) Yes, the cat. (pauses) No, I'm NOT! (pauses) Well, that's nothing! You should see everyone else they have here. (pauses) I don't have time for this. (pauses) I really can't talk. (hangs up and turns the phone off) We may have some visitors. They think I'm drunk.....or insane. ARDETH: (glaring) Are you DONE!? GERARD: I hope so. AUTHOR: Give me the phones. GERARD: (hands them over) AUTHOR: No cellphones allowed on set from now on. Now, Ardeth, continue. ARDETH: (to Malcom) I've noticed that there is a certain weight that lifts when she's here. MALCOM: How do you figure that? We skipped most of when she was here. ARDETH: Just reading the script. MALCOM: I think she likes Jonathan. ARDETH: Really? Hmmm....interesting. AUTHOR: Ahem! Shall one of you become George? MALCOM: I can't go on with that, Ardeth. Gaerity's alive. He's running Magneto's men. I gotta find out everything the police have on him. ARDETH: Yes sir. AUTHOR: Skip to the next scene. Penny is looking at her pictures of Ian Malcom, then she gives Jonathan a call. PENNY: Jonathan, I want you to check something for me. (she smiles) Find out what's so special about the alley at Pearl and Phillips streets. (smiles again) Bye. (she hangs up and turns her attention back to the photos) What's up with you, Mr. Malcom? CHRIS: Cut! End scene! Now, I need one woman, and three guys, and oh yeah, um Author, what do I do about the dead models? AUTHOR: Use the names in the script. They don't matter. Now, four volunteers...How about....um BOBBY: I'll do it! WAGNER: Same here. LOGAN: I volunteer, the woman's the one who dies. AUTHOR: Thanks for squealing, Logan. We need a volunteer. --Silence-- AUTHOR: Scully, you're closer to the part. SCULLY: Great, how's he going to kill me? I haven't used any of these products. RYAN: (walks on set, sprays something in Scully's face, then exits) SCULLY: Huh? AUTHOR: Let's continue. Scully, you can always pretend to die. Now read the script. SCULLY: The fashion world was stunned today by the sudden deaths of models Candy Walker and Amanda Keeler. Cause of death has been attributed to a violent allergic reaction, although authorities have not ruled out the possibility of drug use. Kurt? WAGNER: And plans to continue for zhe city's 200th birthday as Mayor Solo announced zhe unveiling of a statue of John T. Gotham, Gotham's founder. LOGAN: (passes a paper to Kurt) WAGNER: Zhis just in. Sree mystyrious deaths at a beauty parlor in-- SCULLY: (off to the left--begins to laugh) WAGNER: (stares) Dana! Zhis is hardly zhe time to be laughing. SCULLY: Sorry. (collects herself) WAGNER: (starts to speak again, but is interrupted by Scully laughing again) Dana!! Zhis is not funny! SCULLY: (is laughing insanely in her seat, when she teeters and falls to the floor, dead, her face in a joker grin) WAGNER: (stares) Kill zhe camera! LOGAN: Wow! -- Suddenly crackling video static wipes out the screen. A moment later, we're looking at the supermodels. Their faces sport big animated cartoon grins. A bouncy tune, "Put on a happy face", comes on-- MODELS: (in ditzy cartoon voices) Love that Joker. AUTHOR: The music continues as a deranged pitchman--Ryan--pushes his shopping cart down the aisle. He waves merrily in time to the music. STUDIO//CONTROL BOOTH ************************** --Technicians swarm the booth. The studio feed has been jammed. Every monitor shows Ryan's promo-- BOBBY: Where's it coming from? LOGAN: Do I look like I know? AUTHOR: To Ryan- He thrusts a brightly colored object at the camera. RYAN: New and improved Joker brand! With my secret sauce! Smylex! (sweeps his hand) Let's go to our blind taste test! --The camera moves to reveal Luke Skywalker, gagged and blindfolded, and tied to his chair, squirming and struggling-- AUTHOR: (groans) I wondered why he never came back. --On the table in front of Luke is a package that reads "Brand X". A caption on the television reads "Not an actor."-- RYAN: Ooohh, he's not happy! He's been using Brand X! But with new improved Joker brand.... --The camera pans over to reveal Frohike's blindfolded corpse, limp in his chair, grinning horrifically-- BYERS: (covers his mouth and runs for the bathroom) RYAN: I get a grin...again and again! JIMMY: (stares openmouthed) Good thing Langly's missing. CASSI: Great, he's been kidnaping Peanut Gallery members at random. AUTHOR: Hmmm, I didn't even notice Frohike was gone. RYAN: That luscious tan, those ruby lips....and hair so natural, only your undertaker knows for sure! (laughs) I know what you're thinking! Where can I buy these fine new items? Well, here's the deal, folks! Chances are....you've bought them already. CHRIS: Malcom Manor. Ian is watching Ryan on TV. RYAN: (on the TV) So if you did.....remember to put on a happy face! (starts laughing insanely) AUTHOR: End commercial. Ryan, let Luke go. RYAN: (slides down the wall, laughing) AUTHOR: (snaps her fingers and Luke is freed) LUKE: Thanks....(backs away, giving Ryan a weird look) AUTHOR: Mungo! MUNGO: TWO of 'em?! AUTHOR: Yep. Get them out of here. MUNGO: (mutters something under his breath as he and Carter carry Scully and Frohike out) RYAN: (is still laughing) AUTHOR: Ehhh, Ryan? It isn't THAT funny. LUKE: He's INSANE! And so's that buddy of his, Murdoc! CASSI: Murdoc was to start with. MURDOC: Well, you're the idiot who got caught. LUKE: And you're the one who snuck up on me with a Ysalamir! MURDOC: (grins) I know! AUTHOR: Well, that explains that. Now take your insane boss out of here. --Murdoc and Gaerity exit....Gaerity STILL laughing insanely--Beginning to think we cast the right person for this part?-- AUTHOR: Now Malcom is reading Ryan's file. MALCOM: (lets out an impressed whistle) This guy can make a bomb out of Bisquick. He killed 4 people in Boston with bombs. He's an escaped felon from Castle Geigh Prison in Ireland. I can't believe you let him on set! AUTHOR: (flatly) Read the script, Malcom, not the file. MALCOM: Assault with a Deadly Weapon, age 15. Nice guy. CHRIS: Aww, just like me and Jimmy. MURDOC: Yours was a switchblade, Chris. CHRIS: Well, I'd have had a gun if I'd have thought I'd live through it. MACGYVER: Afraid you'd shoot yourself, were you? MURDOC: Don't be ridiculous, MacGyver. He was afraid his mother would kill him. (sighs) That's my girl. AUTHOR: Script! MALCOM: Psychological testing--high intelligence, unstable--duh--aptitudes toward science, chemistry, and --art. Chemistry? (looks at the photo of Gaerity) Let's go shopping, Ardeth. ARDETH: Sir, I'm really not that type. MALCOM: (gives a flat look) Very funny. ALL: (laughing) AUTHOR: Well, that was entertaining. (leaves the set with Cassi) COSMO: (reenters) I'm alive again. What'd I miss? CHRIS: Ardeth shot Xander, Ryan kidnapped Luke and Frohike, he killed Frohike and Scully, and Dr. Carter gave Pounce catnip. COSMO: So Ryan's on a killing spree? Not surprising. GERARD: Biggs called. COSMO: Ouch. GERARD: He didn't believe me. Author took our phones away. COSMO: So how long do you think it'll take for them to get the police down here? GERARD: They have to figure out where we are, first. --Ryan enters with Murdoc...the two of them deep in conversation.-- MALCOM: Okay, now I'm worried. JAMES: (hides behind Jessie) LUKE: (pulls his lightsaber and keeps a wary eye on the two insanos) CHRIS: Hey Mike! You guys have half the cast and Peanut Gallery scared! MURDOC: (grins) Good! JESSIE: Watch it or I'll stick my Pokemon on you! AUTHOR: (reenters with Cassi) MURDOC: Those Pokemon aren't even remotely scary. CASSI: (raises an eyebrow) Jessie, remember that Pokemon I told you to keep put away? JESSIE: Yes. CASSI: Let it out. JESSIE: (shrugs and throws a Pokeball) Arbok, GO! ARBOK: Chaaabok!!! MURDOC: (pales) NONONOOOOO!!!! NO SNAKES!!! I HATE SNAKES!!!! GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME!!!!! (attempts to climb the wall) GET IT AWAY!!!! THAT'S A BLOODY COBRA!!!! COSMO: ACK!!! GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME!!!!! (hides behind Gerard) CASSI: You were saying, Murdoc? MURDOC: (plastered against the wall) Okay, you've made your point, now GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME!!!!! RYAN: (laughing) MURDOC: (pouting, indignantly) JESSIE: (smiling) Arbok, return! MURDOC: (as soon as the snake is gone--slides down the wall, relieved) TWO-FACE: We enjoyed that. Most amusing. CASSI: I guess he's not going to make fun of the Pokemon anymore. AUTHOR: Doubtful, anyway, we're still on break. Let's go. --Cassi and the Author exit--again-- RYAN: (pulls Murdoc off the floor) The snake's gone. Let's go discuss more murder and mayhem, my friend. (they exit) WOLVIE: (starts beating up Snaggletooth) ASH: I can't believe he was afraid of *Arbok*! Arbok's not scary. PIKACHU: (agreeing) Pika pika. MACGYVER: He's afraid of snakes. Any snakes. TWO-FACE: So we noticed. CYKE: We ALL notithed. XANDER: (enters, noticeably avoiding Ardeth, who is still holding the machine gun) GERARD: When are we going to mee this Magneto? COSMO: Good point. When ARE we going to meet him? MUNGO: Aftah we bring 'im back. I' takes a whoile to pu' 'im back togethah! COSMO: Oh right. CARTER: Not the easiest job to put a person back together after someone blows him up....it was almost as bad as the maneating claw-lizards, except at least this one was all here. TEAZER: I's still gross. CHRIS: We'll make a note of it. "Make sure Gaerity doesn't blow anyone else up." MUNGO: Much apprecia'ed. If 'e does i' again, 'e can fix i' 'imself! CHRIS: I'm sure he'll love that one. TEAZER: Do you realize you've sen' noine people inta medlab so far in this one spoof? CHRIS: (innocent look) We try. MUNGO: An' obviously there's gonna be MORE! AUTHOR: (reenters) You can count on it. CASSI: We're not even halfway done yet. FIDDLES: Lots an' lots an' lots of blood! MULDER: Shut up, Fiddles. FIDDLES: YOU shut up, Purple boy! Fiddles can talk anytime he pleases! MULDER: Fiddles can be replaced by a horse that doesn't talk. FIDDLES: Not likely. The Authors love me!! So there! Yup yup yup!! They like me, yes they do! MUNGO: Ehhh, I think I'll ge' back to madlab now. CARTER: Good idea. TEAZER: Same 'ere. --Medteam exits-- CASSI: That was fast. What are they, afraid of us? AUTHOR: After nine deaths, yeah, I'd be scared of me too. CASSI: The I guess it's best not to mention one of them has a star role coming up soon, and another will be acting. AUTHOR: Yeah, we'll leave that part out. --Ryan and Murdoc reenter-- AUTHOR: What are you guys planning? RYAN & MURDOC: (give innocent looks) RYAN: Planning? Nothing at all. Why do you ask? (they both exit laughing) CASSI: Okay, now, I'm worried. ARDETH: (cradles the machine gun and shoots a worried glance after the two men) CASSI: (to Ardeth) I thought you and Murdoc were friends. ARDETH: We are, but that Gaerity is a bad influence on him. AUTHOR: You don't say. POUNCE: I think he's cool! AUTHOR: You would! LUKE: I don't like this. I have a really bad feeling-- HAN: (smacks him over the head) You know better than to say that. AUTHOR: Yeah, Luke. You could end up being next. CASSI: (Evilly) Yeah, GEORGE. LUKE: (stares horrified, and bolts off set) CASSI: Now that was funny. RYAN: (peeks onto the set) What was that? CASSI: (proudly) I scared Luke off the set. RYAN: Ah. SPIKE: Are we gonna get back to the spoof? CASSI: Why? We're on break. AUTHOR: Angelus, I need to talk with you. (exits with Angelus) BUFFY: You getting bored, Spike? SPIKE: Yeh, why? ARDETH: (sits down with Cassi) TWO-FACE: (pulls out his other gun) RICHARD GREYSON: (enters the set) TWO-FACE: (shoots Bruce again) AUTHOR: (reenters) HARVEY! NOT AGAIN! RICHARD: Bruce! AUTHOR: Don't worry, Birdboy, we can bring him back. He's been dead once already. Harv! The gun! NOW!!! TWO-FACE: (Hands over the gun) AUTHOR: And the bag behind your chair! TWO-FACE: (pouts, but hands over the bag) AUTHOR: (moves down the line) Rick, the arsenal. RICK: (groans and hands over his satchel) AUTHOR: Jessie, James....the rocket launcher. JESSIE: (glares at Two-Face) AUTHOR: Gerard, Cosmo? GERARD &COSMO: (hand over their guns) AUTHOR: (moves on down) Okay, Coltons. FRANK: Man! JESSE: This ain't fair. BILLY: Why should we all have to be punished? AUTHOR: Buffy, the stakes. BUFFY: But-- AUTHOR: NOW! BUFFY: (hands over her bag) AUTHOR: Mulder? CASSI: He needs them for the Phantom. AUTHOR: Okay, he can keep them. (moves on, collecting from the Star Wars people) I think that's about everybody. RICK: How come Ardeth gets to keep the machine gun? AUTHOR: He's a cast member. MALCOM: Like Alfred ever carried a machine gun. AUTHOR: Ardeth, could you let Richard borrow that? RICHARD: Huh? AUTHOR: Mr. Greyson, we can bring Two-Face back. Feel free to shoot him. RICHARD: (grins) That's a nice thought, but that would make me just like him. AUTHOR: I'm impressed. TWO-FACE: Noble.....stupid, but noble. ARDETH; (shoots Two-Face) I have no such qualms. He was asking for it. RICHARD: Nice! Thankyou! ARDETH: You're welcome. AUTHOR: Alright, shall we continue? --Mungo and the rest of the medteam come and cart Bruce and Two-Face out.-- RYAN: I guess that makes eleven deaths. AUTHOR: Ryan, stop counting. RYAN: (laughs) CHRIS: Okay, continuing. AUTHOR: Right. ANGELUS: (reenters) Author, on your proposition, I accept. It should be quite amusing. AUTHOR: Good. Now sit down and be quiet. We have a spoof to continue. RYAN: Who do I get to kill next? AUTHOR: Ummm, I think it's Harmony. You get to shoot Malcom, but he's got a silver tray down his shirt. RYAN: Well that stinks. AUTHOR: Continue now. CHRIS: The headlines read, "Panic grips Gotham. Contaminated products claim thirteen lives. Who is this mysterious Joker?" --Jessie and James....looking perfectly normal, of course, are giving the evening news-- JESSIE: Six new deaths, with no clues as to the Joker's deadly weapon. JAMES: And what is the pattern? Foods? Alcohol, or beauty and hygiene products....cologne, mouthwash, underarm deodorant-- JESSIE: Or worse yet, there may be no pattern. The search goes on through Gotham's shopping nightmare. CHRIS: Cut and print. AUTHOR: Next scene. Grant's office. CHRIS: Okay, Han's supposed to act distraught. HAN: Huh? (looks up from playing cards with Lando and Ardeth) What? AUTHOR: Put the cards away, and since when does Ardeth play Sabaak? HAN: Since I taught him AUTHOR: And what did he win from you? HAN: Um...a couple of blasters? LANDO: A couple of planets? CASSI: I won't ask. AUTHOR: Safer not to, now put the cards away. I don't want to see them again. Han, act distraught. Alan, you're on the phone. Han, your line. HAN: We're having a festival if I have to carry a shotgun and get people there, myself. RYAN: That sounds promising. ALAN: (hangs the phone up) HAN: Do you hear the words coming out of my mouth, Grant? SPIKE: Some of us wish we didn't. CASSI: Quiet, Evil Dead. AUTHOR: Yeah, be quiet, or we'll do something evil to you in a later spoof. SPIKE: What if I don't come back? CASSI: You think you can escape that easy? AUTHOR: Oh you'll come back....George. JARETH: It's about time! SPIKE: (horrified) NO!!!! JARETH: (waves his hand, causing bunny ears to appear on Spike) Goodbye, George. HAN: HEY ABOMINABLE!!!! ABOMINABLE: Dere you are George, why you naughty little bunny rabbut, where have you been hiding? I'll have to spank you. (carries Spike off the set) ANGELUS: Bye Spikey! CASSI: Wow, what a couple! BUFFY: Noe THAT was funny. AUTHOR: Yep, now we need to continue. HAN: The festival is on! You find out what this madman is poisoning us with and fast! RYAN: I'm not mad. I'm just very very determined. MURDOC: (grins) I know. MACGYVER: Great, they're multiplying. HAN: Can I finish? RYAN: Yeh, sure, go ahead. HAN: Do I make myself clear? ALAN: We're working on it. AUTHOR: End scene. To the bat people. MALCOM: That isn't funny. AUTHOR: I could have said idiots. When Spike returns, you'll have to ask him about that. Now continue. Ardeth? ARDETH: Oh sir, did you see the message from Miss Parker? She said she'd ne ten minute late in meeting you at the museum. MALCOM: Yeah, okay.....wait, I'm not meeting her...am I? AUTHOR: Next scene. Ryan is getting his makeup on. Harmony enters. HARMONY: Ryan? Where are you going? RYAN: You aren't my mother. I don't have to check in with you. HARMONY: (morphs into vampire mode) You are going to be a dried up corpse when I'm through with you. RYAN: (turns quickly and places a wooden stake above her heart) I'd like to see you try. It might be fun. HARMONY: (nervously) I've changed my mind. RYAN & MURDOC: Damn! ANGELUS: Well, that was entertaining. AUTHOR: Next scene. CHRIS: Penny enters the museum with her camera bag and portfolio.....uh, we need a head waiter. GILES: I'll be the head waiter. MISTY: I can be a waitress. AUTHOR: Good, let's continue. PENNY: (walks up to Giles) I had a message to meet Ian Malcom here. GILES: Yes, he's not yet arrived. We have a table waiting. CHRIS: Twenty minutes later, Penny is sipping her drink, while checking her watch. Misty brings her a small parcel, wrapped in brown paper with a card marked, "Urgent." MISTY: Miss Parker, this just arrived for you. PENNY: Really? What is it? MISTY: A box wrapped in ugly paper? CASSI: Supposed to be a gas mask. MURDOC: Could be a bomb. PENNY: Why am I afraid Murdoc might be right? MACGYVER: Because Ryan Gaerity sent it? AUTHOR: It's supposed to be a gas mask, now open it! PENNY: (looks at it warily) Are you sure it's safe? RYAN: It's not a bomb! Just open the stupid thing! PENNY: (tears off the wrapping and finds a small gas mask inside, along with a note reading, "Dear Miss Parker, put this on right now.") I don't get it. AUTHOR: Penny, just put it ON! CHRIS: A strange hissing noise is heard. All Peanut Gallery members put their own gas masks on! --Purple smoke billows from the air vents. Penny hurriedly fits the mask over her face. Within seconds, everyone not wearing a mask has passed out-- AUTHOR: Next scene. The smoke starts clearing. The doors burst open and in walks Ryan...with his Jellicles and Murdoc. Pouncie is carrying a boombox which is blaring U2-- CHRIS: If I remember correctly, the real Joker was playing Prince. AUTHOR: The real Joker wasn't Irish. Ryan likes U2, let him enjoy. Now the rest of Ryan's Jellicles and Murdoc get to wreck priceless paintings, except Pouncie, cuz he's playing the music. So, Tumble, Cori, Alonzo, Asparagus, Macavity....have fun! MURDOC: Ah, the joys of spoofing movies... ARDETH: Can I help? That looks like fun. MALCOM: Great, now my Al Fred is helping the Joker. I need to find better help. CASSI: Don't we all? AUTHOR: Go ahead, Ardeth. Have fun. RYAN: Okay, everyone. Let's broaden our minds. AUTHOR: Okay, Ryan and his crew start wrecking the paintings. --Ryan carves a Joker smile into one while Ardeth and Murdoc give two other paintings the "Zorro" treatment. Behind them, the Jellicles go to work, spraying paint on every canvas the others missed-- Ryan, Murdoc, and Ardeth stop and stare at one painting-- AUTHOR: What is that? --The painting is of a Jawa torturing a weird-looking alien-- RYAN: Ehhhh.... MURDOC: That's interesting. ARDETH: You can't ignore that. AUTHOR: I don't remember that. CASSI: (staring) The Jawas have been around Ryan and Murdoc too long. RYAN: I kind of like this one. Leave it. (turns to the next painting and stares) Huh? --The painting is of Jigglypuff singing.-- RYAN: Where are these paintings coming from? CASSI: I know where that one came from. AUTHOR: Same here. (smiles) RYAN: Figures. PENNY: I don't want to dine with him. RYAN: Hey, I am so offended. Murdoc, should we kill her? MURDOC: Nah, let's just act the scene out. AUTHOR: Script! CHRIS: Penny is at her table still wearing the gas mask. Ryan walks over and pulls up a chair. POUNCE: (turns the music off) RYAN: (tp Penny) I think it's safe to take that off now. PENNY: (takes off the mask) RYAN: You're beautiful. PENNY: And you're a freak. RYAN: (grins) Thankyou. (takes her portfolio) So this is your portfolio. PENNY: Yes, I'm meeting a friend who wanted to see my work. RYAN: (leafs through it) Crap, crap, crap, craaap....Ahhh, (stops at the photos from Corto Maltese) Now, here's good work. The skulls, the bodies....You give it all such a glow. (smirking) I don't know if it's art, but I like it. PENNY: You're insane. RYAN: (ignores her) Let me tell you what I've got in mind, sweetheart. I was in prison one day, when I realized why I was destined for greatness. I broke out not long after that, of course. You know someone once told me I destroyed things, but I'm not a destroyer, I'm a creator. AUTHOR: And you're ad-libbing, instead of reading the script...While I like it, I'd prefer you got most of it right. RYAN: But this Joker fellow was crazy. AUTHOR: And your point is? RYAN: Right. Never mind. AUTHOR: Good. Script! RYAN: You know, Penny, how concerned most people are about appearances. This is pretty, that is not.. (shakes his head) Well, that's all over for me. In crime, the passions ripen fully. Now I do what others only dream of. I do art 'til someone dies. See? (laughs insanely) I'm the world's first fully functioning homocidal artist. CASSI: Well, that's a new one. AUTHOR: Yeah, but it's so Gaerity. RYAN: Only that last line. (pauses) Maybe a few before it....You know, maybe that Joker wasn't all that bad. PENNY: What do you want? RYAN: World peace? CASSI: Set your standards a little high, haven't you? RYAN: Maybe the people will all die. That would be peaceful. CASSI: (sighs) Yeah, but not nearly as interesting. MULDER: No people? Trust me, Gaerity, that is more annoying than it is peaceful. RYAN: How would you know? MULDER: Long story. You don't want to know. AUTHOR: Script. Ryan, get it right. RYAN: I want my face on the one-dollar bill. CASSI: Attaboy. Aim low. RYAN: (glares) PENNY: Good, goal. I take it you're joking. RYAN: (furiously points at his face) Do I look like I'm joking? PENNY: You're asking ME?! With THAT face?! RYAN: (laughs) Look, we mustn't mistake ourselves for regular people. CASSI: Like that'll ever happen. RYAN: Like you can talk, Miss weird hair. CASSI: (Wolvie glare) Watch it, mister. Never dis the hair. I happen to LIKE looking like Pepe le Pew. AUTHOR: Careful what you say, Ryan. We can always feed you to Steve. RYAN: Who's Steve? CASSI: Our friend who almost ate Johnathan's head off earlier. RYAN: That raptor? CASSI: Uh-huh. RYAN: You know, I love your hair. CASSI: (smiles) Thankyou. CHRIS: Script? WOLVIE: I'm bored. CYKE: I am, too. WOLVIE: Copycat. CYKE: Am not. WOLVIE: Yes you are. CYKE: No I'm not. WOLVIE: Yes you are. CYKE: Am not. WOLVIE: Uh-HUH! CYKE: Not! WOLVIE: Are! CYKE: Not! WOLVIE: Yep, you are! CYKE: Nu-UH! WOLVIE: Uh-HUH! CREEPY: Author, Wolvie and Cyke are fighting. WOLVIE: Tattletail! CREEPY: Wolvie's calling me names! CYKE: You're a bully, Wolvie. WOLVIE: Yep, proud of it. LUKE: Be quiet before I lose my temper! WOLVIE: So lose it, Sith Guy! I don't care! I'll just snikt you! LUKE: (glaring) I'd like to see you try! CYKE: We're not afraid of YOU, Thith Guy! WOLVIE: Butt out, laser face! CYKE: Am not! WOLVIE: Yes you are. CYKE: I'm telling! WOLVIE: So tell! I don't care. LOGAN: This is actually amusing. AUTHOR: (yawns) If you say so. RYAN: Hey kids, if you be quiet, I'll teach you how to make bombs. WOLVIE, CYKE &CREEPY: (silence) WOLVIE: Really!? AUTHOR: Not a chance, Ryan. WOLVIE: (does his pout) Darn! AUTHOR: Wolvie, watch your mouth. WOLVIE: But-- AUTHOR: Script! RYAN: We're artists. For instance, let me challenge you with a little piece a friend of mine did...Murdoc, bring Harmony. CASSI: Friend? I thought it was supposed to be his art. AUTHOR: Let's wait and see. HARMONY: Ryan?! (enters with Murdoc, wearing a porcelain doll mask) I fell asleep. What's going on? Why am I wearing a mask? PENNY: That's a good question. RYAN: Well, she's just a sketch really. Harmony, take tha mask off. HARMONY: (begins to undo the mask) RYAN: You see, Miss Parker, Harmony's been made over by a friend of mine. Now, like me, she's a living work of art. --Harmony takes the mask off to reveal she's been drawn all over with a black permanent marker-- CASSI: Since when is Jigglypuff Ryan's friend? RYAN: Since I gave her a permanent marker. HARMONY: WHAT!? My face! (runs for the bathroom, screaming) CHRIS: Wow. RYAN: What do you think? PENNY: It's great, I think Jiggly did a great job. But what can I do for you? RYAN: A little song, a little dance, Batman's head on a lance. Tell me...what do you know about...... (makes bat motions) PENNY: I don't know anything about Batman. RYAN: Really? Why do I not believe you? PENNY: Because you're insane? RYAN: I am? (brightly) Thankyou for telling me. This is a great moment. AUTHOR: Ahem. RYAN: Come on. Let's make up. Here's a flower. --He holds up the flower that was tucked in his jacket, for Penny' inspection as he moves menacingly forward-- PENNY: (horrified) No! RYAN: (squeezes a concealed bulb, which causes a jet of clear liquid to spurt out of the flower) --It narrowly misses Penny's head-- PENNY: That could have hit me. RYAN: That was the idea. --Penny lets out a gasp and backs away. Smoke rises from the spot on the wall where the acid hit. Penny backs into a waiter's cart. Her hand closes around a pitcher of water. She flings it at Ryan's head, dousing Ryan's face with the water--Ryan's hands fly up to his face, and he doubles over, shrieking, with makeup running through his fingers-- RYAN: (as the Wicked Witch of the West) Noooo! Noooo! I'M MELTING I'M MELTING! WHAT A WORLD! HELP ME, I'M MELTING!!!!! CASSI: Boy, does HE deserve an Oscar. CHRIS: Penny is appalled. She moves towards him, her instinct being to help him....what a sucker....She touches his shoulder. He leaps up, abruptly, taking his hands from his makeup smeared face. RYAN: BOO! PENNY: (screams) AUTHOR: Ryan, you deserve an Oscar, but since you already got one, what would you like instead? RYAN: Just one thing. Liam, bruised, broken, bleeding...in a word, DEAD! Can you do that? AUTHOR: Hmmm....I'll give it some thought. Now back to the script. RYAN: (advances on Penny) CHRIS: And then the skylight shatters, and a capped shadow drops to the floor, and Ryan finds himself face to face with Malcom. MALCOM: Miss me? RYAN: Not really. --On Malcom's wrist is a steel gauntlet. He aims it at Ryan, who rolls his eyes. Malcom fires, and the barrel splits in two before sending two metal spikes on wires into opposite directions. The metal spikes embed themselves into the walls on both sides of the museum. Malacom grabs Penny, and plunges over the balcony--The Jellicles gape as Malcom and Penny sweep past, sliding down the wire, across the floor and straight through the exit-- RYAN: Those toys! Where does he get those wonderful toys? (to the Jellicles) Well, don't just stand there! Go ASK him! POUNCE: Why? RYAN: (glares) --Pounce and the rest scurry out the door after Penny and Malcom-- CHRIS: Outside. MALCOM: Get in the car! PENNY: (staring at her script) What kind of lin is this? "Which one?" Didn't she notice the weird black one? What is wrong with this lady? AUTHOR: Just get in the car, Penny! MALCOM: (climbs in) Ignition! (the car roars to life) --The Jellicles stumble out of the building-- POUNCE: I can't drive. AUTHOR: AHHH!!! Just go to break! I'll deal with this later! CASSI: Wise decision. SCULLY & FROHIKE: (reenter) SCULLY: I have a headache. RYAN: Sorry, it's caused by the spray. SCULLY: I'm not liking you. RYAN: I'm sorry. FROHIKE: You kidnaped me. MURDOC: No, you were nerdnapped. You aren't a kid. FROHIKE: (glares) BRUCE: (enters) Who killed Harvey? RICHARD: Ardeth. BRUCE: Oh. (pauses) When did you get here? RICHARD: Just when you were killed. TWO-FACE: (enters) That was an interesting experience. BRUCE: You are insane......both of you. TWO-FACE: We know. BRUCE: Are we on break? AUTHOR: Yep. RYAN: Can I please kill someone? AUTHOR: NO! CASSI: Haven't you killed enough people? RYAN: (pouting) AUTHOR: Wait a minute. You do know you're supposed to kill Murdoc, don't you? RYAN: (looks horrified) Not gonna happen! He's my best employee! I will NOT kill him! MURDOC: (grins) ARDETH: He probably wouldn't die anyway. MACGYVER: Nah, nothing else has worked. No one can kill him. RYAN: I'm not going to try. He's my friend. AUTHOR: Well, at least you're loyal. WOLVIE: I'm bored again. PHYRO: I wanna burn something. MAGNEATO: I wanna have some fun. MYSTI-Q: So do I. SNAGGLE: I wanna fight. AUTHOR: I wanna sleep. CASSI: Maybe we should call Jiggly. AUTHOR: She still has a permanent marker and I'm immune to her singing. CASSI: Right. Never mind. RYAN: Harmony's still in the bathroom, by the way. CASSI: That must be a good marker. RYAN: (grins) I know. HARMONY: (stomps onto the set) I HATE YOU!!! (stomps back into the bathroom) RYAN: Such a lovely girl. MURDOC: Something tells me she doesn't like you much. RYAN: No, I don't think so. CASSI: Great, what do we do if she doesn't show up for the third one? We have a shortage of blonde ditzes. AUTHOR: We could always find someone else. CASSI: (sighs) And she was so RIGHT for the part. ANGELUS: You could always use Buffy. BUFFY: I am NOT a ditz! CASSI: You know, that's not a bad idea. AUTHOR: I agree. We'll use Buffy, if Harmony doesn't come back. RYAN: I'll go take care of Harmony. AUTHOR: Ryan! Be nice. RYAN: (grins) Of course. MALCOM: By the way, you said something about a raptor named Steve. What raptor? CASSI: You'll get to know him later. AUTHOR: You saw him once already. MALCOM: The one in the mansion that talked? AUTHOR: Yep. Steve is a friend of Nick's. Nick said he knows you. MALCOM: There's a raptor named Nick? CASSI: Yep, and his girlfriend's name is Sara. MALCOM: I'm never going back to that island. AUTHOR: Yes you will. MALCOM: Says who? AUTHOR: Says I. MALCOM: Why? AUTHOR: I ain't saying. LOGAN: Be afraid. Be very afraid. CASSI: Shut up, Logan. LOGAN: Why? CASSI: Why ask why? AUTHOR: Not again. CASSI: It's your saying. You started it. CHRIS: When is break over? AUTHOR: I'm too tired to end break yet. CHRIS: (shrugs) Okay. RYAN: I'm getting bored. AUTHOR: So go kill someone. RYAN: (grins and exits with Murdoc) MACGYVER: Why'd you say that? AUTHOR: Because he's supposed to kill Harmony. It's in the script. CASSI: Well, really, it doesn't show it. It only mentions it. AUTHOR: Better he kill HER than anyone else. CASSI: (shrugs) Yeah, I'll buy that. WOLVIE: I'm sleepy! CASSI: Your disease is catching, Sven. AUTHOR: Oh well. At least it's not fatal. ANGELUS: Can I kill someone for dinner? AUTHOR: (tiredly) Yeah, sure, go ahead. CASSI: Uhhh...... AUTHOR: What? ANGELUS: Are you serious? AUTHOR: About what? ANGELUS: You really ARE tired. AUTHOR: What!? CASSI: Don't ask. In fact, stop writing. AUTHOR: Can't. I have to kill the time, and this is the fastest way to do it. --Ryan and Murdoc re-enter, both looking quite happy-- CASSI: I won't ask who they just killed. AUTHOR: Probably safer not to. GERARD: You are putting me to sleep. COSMO: Same here. AUTHOR: Life sucks. See if I care. COSMO: You're a bitter little person when you're sleepy. AUTHOR: (pulls out Two-Face's gun and shoots Cosmo in the arm) Next time, I'll kill you. COSMO: (faints) MUNGO: (steps in) I 'ea'd gunfoire. 'Oo's dead? AUTHOR: No one, but Cosmo needs you to treat his arm. MUNGO: (drags Cosmo into medlab) JOHNATHAN: Remind me never to get on the Author's bad side. RICK: Especially when she has all the guns. AUTHOR: Your guns are wussy guns, O'Connel. RICK: Hey! AUTHOR: I prefer guns that hold more than six shots. CASSI: Sven, you need a nap. AUTHOR: Yes, I need to stop before my handwriting becomes completely unreadable. CASSI: Yes, please, since I'm the one who's going to be typing it. **and I can still actually read it!!** RYAN: Will you two stop arguing? AUTHOR: We weren't arguing. We were having a discussion. RYAN: Sure. CASSI: When we're arguing, we're a lot louder. CHRIS: Let's quit for a while. SVEN: No arguments here. My hand hurts. LOGAN: Stop complaining. AUTHOR: Pikachu? PIKACHU: PiiiikaaaaaCHUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!! (Electrocutes Logan) LOGAN: I need a new job. (passes out) SCOTT: Interesting. CORSAIR: (enters) AUTHOR: Hey, Mr. Sith Lord! You're back! (Author gives him a big hug) Glad to have you. CORSAIR: I got bored. CASSI: Well, we're all getting bored here. Wanna liven up the show? CORSAIR: I'll try. GILES: As long as you don't call me Dress-Guy anymore. CORSAIR: (glances at him, then collapses to the floor in laughter) CASSI: I thought we cleared this up in Return of the Spoof. AUTHOR: We did, but that doesn't mean Corsair will forget it. CORSAIR: (regains control) I thought you were through writing. AUTHOR: Changed my mind. CORSAIR: So what all has gone on? AUTHOR: Too much to explain right now...in fact, I'm going to leave so I can get some sleep. Bye now. (exits) CHRIS: Okay, everyone. Go have fun! (exits) ONE DAY LATER **************** AUTHOR: I'm back. ANGELUS: Are you still tired? AUTHOR: Well, yeah, you try working third shift....never mind. You do that anyway. CHRIS: Are we going to continue? AUTHOR: Let me think about it.......I guess not. I don't feel like writing. **I could stop here, but I'd like to fit a little more onto this page....there's still about 60-something more pages to go. Can we say "Oy vey?"** ONE WEEK LATER ********************* AUTHOR: Now I feel like writing. SPIKE: It's about time. AUTHOR: Oh be quiet. You better be careful, because I've been casting my next spoof. SPIKE: Really? And what is that? AUTHOR: (grins evilly) GERARD: I can only guess. AUTHOR: Quiet, Mr. Earp. GERARD: That's not funny. AUTHOR: And Spike, you'd better mind or you can rejoin Abominable. SPIKE: I'm minding. SCOTT: Can we continue? CHRIS: Yes, can we? AUTHOR: Yes, lets do that. Skip the car chase, since the cats can't drive. Penny is up on top of the building. Malcom is fighting Alonzo, Pounce, and Tumble. MALCOM: I'm fighting cats? CASSI: Catfight! AUTHOR: Well, one of those cats has a gun. ALONZO: (grins and waves the gun) POUNCE: (snatches the gun and begins shooting wildlt around the alley, and the set, at the Peanut Gallery) --Everyone ducks, unfortunately, not fast enough. Spike is hit in the shoulder, Scott gets it in the side, one hits, Logan and ricochets off, killing Johnathan...and another grazes Ardeth's arm-- ARDETH: (shoots back, killing Pounce) --The gunfire stops-- CASSI: That's it. No more guns to Ryan's henchcats! AUTHOR: Mungo, we need you to bring back Johnathan, and well, leave Pounce dead until later. MUNGO: Pounce and Johnathan? They're no' on the lis'. 'Ooo did i'? Gaerity? AUTHOR: Nope. Pounce and Ardeth did it. Now, Scott, Spike, and Ardeth go get patched up. Mungo, get Johnathan back as soon as you can. We need him. MUNGO: Will do. AUTHOR: Alright, let's continue. Macavity replace Pounce and make sure Tumble don't go near the gun. MACAVITY: Definitely. CHRIS: Good. Let's go. Macavity, please shoot Malcom. MALCOM: Oh great. RYAN: Don't complain. You live. MALCOM: Yeah, that's what I'm worried about. RYAN: You'd rather die? MALCOM: Yeah, then the spoof would be over. CASSI: Not really. We'd bring you back so you could keep going. AUTHOR: Script! MACAVITY: (shoots point blank at the yellow and black insignia on Malcom's chest) --Malcom hits the ground-- TUMBLE: Hey, where's the blood? ALONZO: What is he? Take his wallet. CASSI: Greedy, aren't they? BUFFY: He can actually carry a wallet in that suit? MACAVITY: Wait a minute. TUMBLE: Why? I want his money. ALONZO: Yeah, he doesn't need it. CHRIS: This is all amusing, but get it right. TUMBLE: What is that? ALONZO: What do I look like, his tailor? MACAVITY: (hits him) Some kind of body armor. TUMBLE: Cheat! PENNY: Do I have to take pictures? I know who he is. AUTHOR: Skip it. CASSI: She has to take one. AUTHOR: Oh right. Tumble, lift Malcom's mask so Penny can take a picture. TUMBLE: (lifts the mask and grins at Penny) Cheese! PENNY: (snaps the picture) MACAVITY: Damn! It's the girl! (he fires the gun at her) PENNY: Jerk! ALONZO: Did you hit her? CARTER: You better not have. We have enough injured people. AUTHOR: You're breaking my heart. You want a break? CARTER: Uh...sure. When? AUTHOR: I'll tell you when the next spoof comes up. By the way, grow a beard. CARTER: (suspicious) Why? AUTHOR: Just do it and don't argue. CARTER: Okay. (shrugs and exits) CHRIS: Let's continue. Malcom, please beat up Tumble, Macavity, and Alonzo. TUMBLE: Kill him! MACAVITY: (raises his gun) --A gloved hand reaches up and grabs Tumble by his jacket, and yanks him into the line of fire. Macavity pulls the trigger before, he can stop--like he would anyway. He hates the Jellicles--Tumble hits the ground. Malcom punches Alonzo, sending him slaming into Macavity, and the gun goes flying-- MUNGO: I 'ea'd a gunsho'.....oh no' aGAIN!!! CARTER: Figures. (they carry Tumble out on a stretcher) SPIKE: (exits medlab) I never knew this movie was this bloody. AUTHOR: Neither did I. CASSI: I'm bored. AUTHOR: So am I. I'm leaving. CASSI: I second that. --Both exit-- ASH: Does that mean Jiggly's coming? RYAN: Doubtful. They wouldn't do anything that predictable. MURDOC: Nope. FIDDLES: I kind of liked the pink ball, yes I did! --A loud piercing wolfhowl is heard-- SELINA: (shrieks and jumps six feet in the air) MEOWTH: (is stuck to the ceiling) HARLEY: (enters) RYAN: Oh how cute!!! Here puppy, puppy puppy!!! Aren't you the most adorable little thing? Yes you are! HARLEY: (runs up to him, his tail wagging) RYAN: (scratches him behind his ears) Who's little puppy is this? RUFIO: (raises a hand) Right now, that would be me. RYAN: He's such a sweet little thing. ALL: (stare at Ryan like he's insane) **Lets face it--Harley is about the size of Marmaduke, slightly bulkier, with red slit-pupiled eyes and very sharp two-inch retractable claws on the toes of all his front feet, that hold a venom that will kill ANYTHING in 24 hours....tops....not everyone would consider him a "Sweet little puppy."** MURDOC: You do need some help. RYAN: Why? I like him. MULDER: I hate that thing. **See The Phantom...From the FBI** RYAN: (glares) Say another word about him and I'll kill you. FIDDLES: You wouldn't have to. Harley can do that on his own, yup yup yup. RYAN: (smiles) A dog after my own heart. MURDOC: I won't ask. SELINA: That thing is huge. BRUCE: What is that? A werewolf? FIDDLES: No stupid!! He is not! Nope, not at all! You're not very smart, are you? SELINA: If it's not a werewolf, what is it? RUFIO: First of all, he's a HE, not an it. His name is Harley and he's the alpha-male of the Neverwolves. BRUCE: Where do they come from? MURDOC: Neverland. BRUCE: Uhh.... RUFIO: The Neverwoods, to be precise. BRUCE: Remind me never to visit there. FIDDLES: Harley says he can smell your fear from across the room, yep yep! BRUCE: (glares) LOGAN: You don't have to be scared, Batboy. He doesn't eat. But if you piss him off, he might tear you to shreds. BRUCE: (flatly) Thanks for the reassurance. RYAN: Can he stay on set? RUFIO: If he wants to stay, no one will be able to make him leave. HARLEY: *He will be staying.* RYAN: (smiles) MALCOM: Um, I quit. CHRIS: Wuss. MALCOM: That thing is almost as tall as me! CHRIS: Doesn't matter. You can't quit! MALCOM: And why not? AUTHOR: Because you'd make Steve and Nick very unhappy. MALCOM: The raptors? --Two Velociraptors enter--both wearing black t-shirts that say, "Spoof security." One has the name "Steve" on it and the other has the name, "Nick"-- CASSI: (to Grant) Steve says you better leave his eggs alone. AUTHOR: Yes. (to Malcom) And Nick says if you didn't want him on that island, you shouldn't have been calling him. GRANT: You have velociraptors as security guards? STEVE: Well, Da-uh. What are we SUPPOSED to do? GRANT: And they TALK? NICK: Didn't we already cover this? Back when Steve nearly took that human's head off? MALCOM: (faints) AUTHOR: Well, that was interesting. CASSI: I'll say. MURDOC: Are we going to continue? RYAN: Yes, are we? AUTHOR: No, I'm going to quit for now, cuz I'm tired again. Steve, get acquainted with Alan. Nick, have fun. Everybody breaktime! SPIKE: Some break. AUTHOR: Well, I was tired of spoofwriting...sides, Malcom seemed a bit frazzled after meeting Steve and Nick. GERARD: You could have replaced him. AUTHOR: Yeah, sure. Replace the star. Then I'd be as bad as the other Batman authors. There was 4 Batman movies with 3 different Batmans! CASSI: (matter-of-factly) I seem to remember 4 Star Wars spoofs with three different Leia's. AUTHOR: Only because I wanted to do something evil to Buffy. BUFFY: And it wasn't amusing. JEAN: I didn't mind leaving the part. AUTHOR: Quiet! Now skip to when Malcom catches Penny. Malcom, your line. MALCOM: (to Penny) Not even a thankyou. PENNY: Why? We skipped most of the rescue. MALCOM: Not funny, just get in the car. PENNY: Where's the car? MALCOM: (points as the Batmobile rounds a corner, heading directly for them) Stop. --The breaks squeal, and the car stops less than an inch from them-- PENNY: Your car is dangerous. MALCOM: Just get in! AUTHOR: Next scene in the car. Malcom is driving down a deserted road. PENNY: This is kidnaping. MALCOM: It does appear that way. RYAN: What a nice guy. He kidnaps on the first date. CASSI: What's he do on the second, or do we really want to know? MURDOC: (to Ryan) You tried to kill her on your first date. RYAN: No, I tried to spray acid on her. There's a difference. MURDOC: Whatever. CASSI: Hey guys! RYAN & MURDOC: What? CASSI: You're not in this scene! AUTHOR: Yeah! Follow the script! --Penny looks through the windshield and sees an enormous sheer cliff-wall-- PENNY: (yelps) Hey! Nobody said anything about this! MALCOM: (grins and guns the gas) PENNY: (screams) --Suddenly, the cliff wall slides upward, revealing, in it's place, the gaping mouth of an underground cave. The car zooms through. A moment later, the wall slams back down--Malcom slams on the breaks, stopping just in time to keep from going off a cliff.-- PENNY: (hits Malcom) Don't you ever scare me like that AGAIN! MALCOM: (laughs and exits the car) PENNY: (gets out and looks around) Creepy. CREEPY: What? AUTHOR: Hush. MALCOM: Watch your step. --Penny stops just over the edge of the deep pit. She kicks a pebble over. Long seconds pass, but no sound is heard. Her head jerks up, as she hears an odd call ring through the cave. Several large shapes dart in.-- MALCOM: (to the Author) I took the liberty of refurnishing the cave. NICK V RAPTOR: (steps into the light) Hiya, doll. PENNY: Raptors? They're terrifying. (screams) CASSI: Uh...yeah, I guess. MALCOM: That's the idea. (he pats Nick's shoulder) NICK: We made friends. ARDETH: So it's the Raptor cave now, eh? PENNY: They aren't going to eat me, are they? NICK: We already ate. Author fed us some clones earlier. Now come meet the Missus! PENNY: The WHAT!? --Another Raptor comes into view. This one is a female.-- NICK: This is Sara D. Raptor. My lovely mate. SARA: Hello. PENNY: (pales) Get me out of here. AUTHOR: Just read the script. PENNY: (eyes the raptors nervously before approaching a table covered with hygiene and beauty products) What is all this? CHRIS: Malcom is worried about his appearance. CASSI: Either that, or the Raptors are. SARA: (strikes a pose) I'm so beautiful. AUTHOR: Script. MALCOM: The police have got it all wrong. They're looking for one product. It's much bigger than that. Ryan has tainted hundreds of basic chemicals at the source. PENNY: But then whole shipments of every products would be poisoned. We'd all be dead. RYAN: She isn't very smart, is she? MURDOC: No, but she's got a good heart. AUTHOR: (glares) Script! MALCOM: No, each product only contains one component. The poison only works when they're mixed. Hairspray won't do it alone, but hairspray mixed with perfume, and lipstick would be toxic and untraceable. RYAN: That's the point. MURDOC: Yeah, but now we're busted. We'll have to come up with a new idea to kill people. RYAN: Hmmm, Harley, what do you think? HARLEY: *Why kill them? The Author will only bring them back.* RYAN: Good point. STEVE: I could rip them apart for you. AUTHOR: Script! PENNY: How did you figure this out? DOT: Da-uh! MALCOM: I read the script. RYAN: Knew he couldn't have figured it out on his own. ARDETH: Right, he's not that smart. MALCOM: (glares) Traitorous Butler! AUTHOR: Script again! MALCOM: Take this to the press. (hands her a very thick envelope) PENNY: I may have a little trouble with that. A lot of people think you and Ryan work together. MALCOM: No, that's my butler. AUTHOR: No, that's Murdoc. You're butler's only a partial traitor. Back to the script! MALCOM: Do me a favor. Don't flatter my enemy. The man's psychotic. RYAN: Thanks for the complement. AUTHOR: (glares) PENNY: Some people say the same thing about you. MALCOM: Have you been talking to my ex-wives? CASSI: Well, she could have spoken to In-Gen, and then there was the fact you were made out to be a lunatic on television. MALCOM: Funny. Real funny. NICK: I don't think you're a lunatic. MALCOM: (gives Nick a flat look) AUTHOR: Do I have to say it again!? WAKKO: No, I wanna say it! AUTHOR: So do so. WAKKO: Script! MALCOM: What people? CASSI: Wasn't listening before, was he? PENNY: Well, let's face it. You're not exactly normal, are you? LUKE: No one on this set is. And if they were, they've been driven insane. CASSI: No kidding. Even our readers are going insane. **and all the readers say? READERS: Amen!** MALCOM: It's not a normal world. CHRIS: Never was there a truer statement. STEVE: No, you people aren't normal at all. **look, the talking dinosaur says WE aren't normal.** FIDDLES: What is this word, Nor-mal? MULDER: You wouldn't understand. It would mean you don't exist. FIDDLES: Nor-mal's not a word. Nope nope nope. I never heard it before, so it's not a word. **Do you LOVE this logic?** AUTHOR: Can we continue? PENNY: Why did you bring me here? MALCOM: It's in the script. YAKKO: Well, there's an obvious one. CASSI: Yep, where's the "I'm stupid" sign? PENNY: (glares) AUTHOR: (yawns, loudly and pointedly) MALCOM: People need that information. PENNY: Right. Sorry I asked. CHRIS: Ugh. AUTHOR: Just give him the film! PENNY: Oh the FILM! I'd forgotten! RYAN: Why doesn't this surprise us? MURDOC: Because it's Penny Parker. PENNY: (hands Malcom the film) AUTHOR: You're supposed to faint. PENNY: Why? MALCOM: Nick and Sara? She's all yours! --Nick and Sara zip in at Penny's sides and reveal their teeth-- NICK: Lunchtiiiiime!!! PENNY: (faints) AUTHOR: That's better. Next scene. Penny awakens in her apartment on her bed. PENNY: (awakens with a scream) JONATHAN: (comes running out of medlab) Penny?! Are you alright!!?? PENNY: (hysterical) He tried to feed me to his raptors! CASSI: Brilliant idea, Malcom. JONATHAN: What raptors? CASSI: They came in after Pouncie shot you. JOHNATHAN: Are you alright, Penny? PENNY: (starts crying on Johnathan's shoulder) I hate him I hate him!!! He's EVIL!!! Keep him and his vicious creatures AWAY!!! I don't wanna do this anymore!! I QUIT!!! AUTHOR: (pulls out Gerard's phone and punches in a number) Yeah, hello. It's me. Hey, I need a favor. (pauses) Yes, it's important! (pause) I have a hysterical actress here. (pauses) Well, she's in two star roles right now! (pause) No, I don't care if you're busy, just GET HERE! NOW!!! (Hangs up) CASSI: Who was that? AUTHOR: A specialist in umm....making people forget things. you know what I mean. CASSI: Ah. --Ten minutes later--Agent J enters, unhappily-- J: Where is she? AUTHOR: (points at Penny) J: (takes Penny backstage and a flash of light is seen. A minute later, they reenter) PENNY: What happened? J: You had a bad dream. AUTHOR: (hands her her script) Just act. Thanks, J. I owe you one. J: Do ma a favor and don't return it. (stalks offset) AUTHOR: Penny, script. PENNY: The film! He took the film! (frowns) Who took what film? I don't remember anything after Malcom rescued me from Ryan. AUTHOR: Uhh, Malcom gave you a packet to give to the press. End of story. Nothing else is important. Now, the phone rings. --On cue, the phone beside Penny's bed rings-- PENNY: Hello? JONATHAN: Penny? Are you alright? You want me to come over? PENNY: Johnathan? So good to hear from you. (smiles) AUTHOR: Penny, get it right. PENNY: No....wait. Johnathan? (picks up the envelope from Malcom) Johnathan, can we still make the evening edition if I bring something to you? JONATHAN: Just barely. Is it hot? PHYRO: I can make it hot! AUTHOR: No Phyro. Be good. PENNY: Yeah, its' hot. JONATHAN: How hot? PENNY: Very. Talk to you later. (she hangs up) CHRIS: Okay, cut and print. CASSI: That was interesting. AUTHOR: Yeah, now next scene. At the news stand. --The early edition of the Globe carries the banner headline: "War of the Freaks: Joker and Batman clash at Flugelheim" A delivery truck cruises past, dumping a bundle of afternoon editions on the sidewalk. "War of the Freaks" has been moved to the lower right hand corner of the page--supplanted by more pressing news, "Batman cracks the Joker's poison code. Citizens avoid the following products:"-- AUTHOR: Now to the television studio. James you're up. JAMES: Avoid the following combinations: deodorants with babypowder, hairspray and odereaters, safe products are flying in as Gotham City goes on a forced fast, and all of Gotham is wondering what to make of Batman. Friend or foe? AUTHOR: Scene change. Axis chemicals. RYAN: (screams at the top of his lungs) I have given a name to my pain and it is BATMAN! (presses a button on his chair and the TV blows up) MURDOC: I just BOUGHT that! You really need to control your temper. RYAN: But why? I like blowing things up. MURDOC: So blow up some of those worthless Jellicles, and spare the electrical equipment. RYAN: Ugh, I just wanna kill Malcom. AUTHOR: Why? RYAN: Because I feel like it. He gets on my nerves. Besides, he tried to feed Penny to my security employees. PENNY: He WHAT!? AUTHOR: Ryan, you're not security until next spoof, now read your script. RYAN: Why? Murdoc has no problem killing people. AUTHOR: Just read. Don't comment. RYAN: Murdoc, you've got to possess strength to inflict greater pain. We've got a flying mouse to kill, and I want to clean my claws. HARLEY: *You do not have claws...I do.* RYAN: Just reading the script. AUTHOR: To the Raptor cave. BRUCE: Just make sure those creatures vacate after this is over. AUTHOR: Script again! MALCOM: (is looking over some maps, as Ardeth enters) ARDETH: I am not bringing him food. If he wants to eat, he can get off his lazy butt and get it himself. AUTHOR: Okay, just say your lines. ARDETH: Sir, Miss Parker called again. I don't know what you intend to do about her, but I think your present course of action may just strengthen her resolve. She's quite tenacious. MALCOM: I know, Ardeth. ARDETH: Then do something. you're annoying to have around. MALCOM: (glares) Thanks. AUTHOR: Cut and print, and end scene. WOLVIE: Can we fight now? CASSI: What's been stopping you? WOLVIE: We were hoping Ryan would kill someone. SNAGGLE: Yeah! CYKE: Umm.... AUTHOR: Wierd children. CASSI: Yeah, aren't they just wonderful? Makes you wanna take them right home. RYAN: I think they're cute. MURDOC: You would. WOLVIE: (jumps into Ryan's arms) Can you teach me to make bombs? Pul-eaaaase? (Bambi eyes) RYAN: Ehhhh... AUTHOR: Wolvie, cut it out. WOLVIE: (jumps down and stalks off set, muttering under his breath) CASSI: Where did he learn that word? AUTHOR: He IS the X-Baby version of Logan. LOGAN: That monster is nothing like me. WOLVIE: (pokes his head back in) That's 'acause I'm not a gorilla or a freak. LOGAN: (growls) SNAGGLE: No, you're just ugly. --Wolvie runs in and attacks Snaggletooth...the two proceed to start ripping each other apart-- CHRIS: Can we put them in cages from now on? AUTHOR: That might be a good idea. HAN: Are we on break? AUTHOR: Yeah, sure. HAN: Can we play Sabaak? AUTHOR: Yeah, go ahead. --Han, Lando, Ardeth, Xander, Yakko, and Scott sit down to play-- CASSI: I wonder what'll happen this time. AUTHOR: (shrugs) Yakko owns Cloud City. It might end up changing again. CASSI: That would be interesting. ANGELUS: (watches the game with interest) SPIKE: I want Cloud City back. LANDO: No way I'm gonna get it. YAKKO: Who says I'm gonna lose it? HAN: Let's just play. WOLVIE: I wanna play! HAN: No children allowed. WOLVIE: (bites his ankle then stomps off) HAN: I don't like that kid. JONATHAN: Can I join? HAN: You any good? Ever play Sabaak? JONATHAN: Teach me. CASSI: So Sven, who are you guessing will get Cloud City this time? AUTHOR: (shrugs) Ardeth or Jonathan? YAKKO: Not gonna happen. RYAN: I wanna play. --All Sabaak players look frightened, with the exception of Ardeth-- RYAN: Don't worry, I'll play fair. I won't kill or maim anyone if I lose. --The players exchange a look-- HAN: Okay, pull up a chair. AUTHOR: Cassi, let's go. Let them have their fun. AUTHOR & CASSI: (exit) --Mungojerrie, Rumpelteazer, and Dr. Carter exit medlab-- MUNGO: I need a vacation. CARTER: And I thought the ER was bad. TEAZER: I wish they wouldn' kill so many people. MISTO: It could be worse. MUNGO: 'Ey! I know wha's nex'! Author tol' me they're doing three spoofs, an' two of them are gonna be BAD! CARTER: Yep, they're planing on bringing in the whole ER team. MISTO: What spoofs? MUNGO: Can' say. Dr. Cah'tah's no' s'posed to know one of 'em. ANGELUS: I know what's coming after the three spoofs. (grins) MISTO: You worried, John? CARTER: Yes. ANGELUS: (glares) Fine! Ignore me! (stomps off) BUFFY: (moves over so she can see the Sabaak game) WOLVIE: I'm bored. CREEPY: So am I. WAGNER: I am too. LOGAN: This is boring. SCOTT: Maybe you should join us. LOGAN: Don't feel like it. SCOTT: Suit yourself. MURDOC: (Yanks a seat behind Ryan and starts polishing his hunting knife, while eyeing each of the other players) --The players start to look worried-- HAN: (nervously) Ryan, your friend wouldn't do anything if you lost, would he? RYAN: (glances back at Murdoc, who grins) I can't control him. SPIKE: He's just trying to make us nervous. Ignore him. JONATHAN: They're dangerous. HAN: Let's just play. LANDO: Yeah, Ryan isn't gonna cheat. JARETH: This is amusing. JESSIE: This is boring. JAMES: I agree. Let's go think up another plan to capture Pikachu. --They both exit, with Meowth following-- ASH: I think that was our cue to exit. MISTY: Good point. If they can't find us, they can't annoy us. --They exit with Pikachu and Togepei--Gerard and Cosmo begin a game of Poker and Two-Face, Bruce, and Selina join them-- WOLVIE: (whispers something to Snaggletooth and they both exit together) CYKE & CREEPY: (bamf out together) CHRIS: The things people do while on break. --Several hours later-- AUTHOR & CASSI: (re enter) AUTHOR: Who won? HAN: There was a draw. SPIKE: Ardeth and Ryan now share ownership of Cloud City. CASSI: Those poor souls. RYAN: I don't know what I'll do with it. ARDETH: Same here. It will require much thought. AUTHOR: Save the thoughts for later. Let's just continue. Malcom, you're up. MALCOM: Huh? AUTHOR: (sighs) Ring Penny's doorbell. MALCOM: (rings the doorbell) PENNY: Coming! (opens the door) Oh, its' you. MALCOM: May I come in? PENNY: Why? MALCOM: It's in the script. CASSI: You get to gripe him out. PENNY: REALLY!? AUTHOR: Yes, so let's continue. PENNY: (turns and walks back in her apartment) MALCOM: (enters and closes the door) This is a nice place. Lots of space. Listen, I came over to clear a few things up-- PENNY: (cuts him off) I don't know who you think you are. You hurt me. MURDOC: You want me to kill him for you, Penny? PENNY: (considers it) Hmmm. AUTHOR: No! Bad Murdoc! PENNY: I called you. You lied to me about leaving town... MALCOM: Let me tell you why.-- PENNY: (cuts him off again) Let me tell you. You invited me....no he didn't we skipped it. We skipped all this. As for the phonecalls, no, he hasn't returned them. You stood me up at the museum....no wait, you kidnapped me there. You must be some kind of jerk. MALCOM: (pushes her into a chair) You're a real nice girl and I like you a lot, but for right now, shut up! PENNY: You're a jerk, you know? Ryan's nicer than you. RYAN: (sticks his tongue out) MALCOM: Shut up! PENNY: (glares) MALCOM: I have something to tell you. PENNY: Really? What? MALCOM: You know how people have different sides to their personality? PENNY: No. MALCOM: Sometimes uhh... a person will have to lead a different life. PENNY: Oh. You're gay, right? ALL: (Incoherent laughter) MALCOM: (glares) No, I'm not gay. PENNY: Then what are you? CASSI: He has a split personality? PENNY: Oh, okay. AUTHOR: Script! MALCOM: You see, my life is really umm....complex. MURDOC: Then it's doubtful that Penny will understand. PENNY: (glares) MALCOM: Listen, you know how a normal person gets up, goes downstairs, eats breakfast, kisses somebody goodbye, and goes to a job? And you know... PENNY: (shakes her head) No, I don't. MACGYVER: Well, there's a surprise. MURDOC: (nods) Yep. PENNY: (glares) MALCOM: Alright, look. Penny, what I'm trying to tell you is .......I......... PENNY: Hey, it's okay. You can tell me. MALCOM: It's ah........... --The doorbell rings-- MALCOM: What I'm trying to tell you is............ --The doorbell rings again-- PENNY: I'll be right back. (she exits the room) MALCOM: (mouths) I'm Batman. AUTHOR: Cut and print. Next scene. Penny walks to the door which opens on its own. Ryan, Murdoc, and Macavity enter. RYAN: Miss me? (pauses) Nice place you have here. Lots of space. Be great for making bombs. PENNY: Oh, it's you again. RYAN: Ah Penny. We really have to talk. I'm really upset. CASSI: Ooooh, she's in trouble now. AUTHOR: Then we flash to the other room, where Malcom slips a silver tray down his shirt....Now back to the important person. RYAN: (cheesy grin) Thankyou. AUTHOR: You're welcome. Now script! RYAN: We were having dinner. I was scaring the hell out of you. AUTHOR: Get it right. RYAN: (rolls his eyes) I was a man doing well with a beautiful woman, and with out so much as an apology, you ran off with that side-show phony. PENNY: He kidnaped me! RYAN: You know Penny. I recently had a tragedy in my life. Harmony. She had an accident with Murdoc's axe. (holds up a plastic ziplock bag of ash) CASSI: Mungo, another one. MUNGO: Oh no' AGAIN! AUTHOR: At least this one was on the list. Now let's continue. RYAN: It was funny. PENNY: (gasps) MALCOM: (enters) RYAN: Ah well, Miss Parker. Another rooster in the henhouse. (smiles) Take thy beak from out my heart. PENNY: Ian. RYAN: Ian Malcom. MALCOM: Most of the time. (approaches Ryan) MURDOC: (cocks his gun) RYAN: (holds his hand up in restraint) MALCOM: (whispers) I know who you are. CASSI: Doesn’t everyone by now? AUTHOR: Shh, I wanna hear this. MALCOM: Let me tell you about this guy I know. Ryan, mean kid. Bad seed, hurt people. RYAN: I like him already. (laughs) MALCOM: You know what his problem was? He got sloppy, you know crazy. He started to lose it. He had a head full of bad wiring, I guess. Couldn't keep it straight up here. (points to his head) He was the kind of guy who couldn't hear the train until it was two feet in front of him. (pauses) You know what happened to this guy, Ryan? RYAN: He became me? AUTHOR: Script! RYAN: (shakes his head) MALCOM: Well, he made mistakes, and then he had his lights out! (smashes a vase with a fire poker, and begins yelling) Now you wanna get crazy? Come one! Let's get nuts! RYAN: (points his gun) Tell me my friend? You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight? MALCOM: What? What's that supposed to mean? RYAN: Not sure, but I like it. AUTHOR: Get it right, Ryan. RYAN: I always ask that of all my prey. I just like the sound of it. (shoots Malcom in the head) PENNY: (screams) AUTHOR: NOOO!!!!BAD!!! WOLVIE: Does that mean the movie's over? CASSI: You wish. AUTHOR: Mungo! MUNGO: (stares) You killed the STAR!? AUTHOR: Mungo, bring him back. Ryan, why'd you have to shoot him in the HEAD!? RYAN: He had a plate down his shirt. It was easier. CASSI: He was SUPPOSED to have the plate down his shirt! you weren't supposed to KILL him! RYAN: He wanted to die. He said so. AUTHOR: NO, he wanted the spoof over, and this only makes it longer. CASSI: Not really. Ian's not in the rest of this scene. AUTHOR: Mungo, get him out of here and back ASAP! Got it? MUNGO: (grumbles under his breath and drags Malcom out, leaving along trail of blood across the floor) PENNY: (runs for the bathroom) RYAN: It's only blood! SVEN: Good thing Langly's not here. STEVE: Smells good! RYAN: Good. Clean it up. STEVE: (shrugs and licks it off the floor) SPIKE: That is so unfair. ANGELUS: I so agree. CASSI: If you guys wanna lick the floor, too, go ahead. ANGELUS & SPIKE: (look at each other) Pass. PENNY: (returns and stares at Steve, turning green) AUTHOR: Steve stop it. You'll make Penny throw up again. (snaps her fingers, causing the blood to vanish) Now, let's continue. Ryan, act correctly this time, and please stop killing people! --Suddenly a scream is heard backstage-- AUTHOR: NOW what!? MISTY: (runs in) There's a dead guy back there! CASSI: Another one? RYAN: I didn't do it, I swear. CARTER: I'll go check. (returns a moment later, dragging Byers' body) He's been drained of blood. CASSI: Vampire. SPIKE: I can't. RYAN: Couldn't have been Harmony. She's been dead too long. ALL: (look at Angelus) ANGELUS: (innocent grin) Sorry. AUTHOR: That's it! (picks up a flamethrower and torches Angelus into a pile of ash) Anymore deaths I don't approve of and I'll kill whoever did it! Understood? RYAN: Yes, ma'am. MUNGO: (sweeps up Angelus' ashes and goes back into medlab) CARTER: (drags Byers into medlab) AUTHOR: Now let's continue. PENNY: Where were we? CASSI: Ryan shot Malcom. PENNY: Oh right. CHRIS: Script. AUTHOR: (waves flamethrower) Or crispy! RYAN: (takes Penny's arm) Oh my dear. Chin up. Why is it every time I come for you, somebody always gets in the way? (to Macavity and Murdoc) I'll need a moment alone, boys. MURDOC & MACAVITY: (exit the apartment) RYAN: (to Penny) I'm only laughing on the outside. My smile is only skin deep. If you could see inside, (sad tone) I'm really crying. You might join me for a weep. (begins laughing insanely) This is funny! (slides to the floor, laughing) CASSI: Ummmm... PENNY: Why does he keep doing that? AUTHOR: (shrugs) Maybe he likes making spoofs. MURDOC: (re enters and drags Ryan out of the room--still laughing) CASSI: (calls after him) you know it wasn't THAT funny! AUTHOR: Maybe he thinks killing Malcom was funny. CASSI: It was. SPIKE: You two are really twisted, you know that? AUTHOR & CASSI: (cheesy grin) **seriously, what kind of person WRITES stuff like this? Think about it. ^_^ Of COURSE we have a twisted sense of humor.** CHRIS: Can we continue? AUTHOR: Yes, Penny open the box Ryan brought you. PENNY: (stares horrified) Not a chance! It's ticking! CASSI: Hey, it is! CHRIS: Fine, get someone who doesn't have a role to open it! GERARD: I'll do it! AUTHOR: Mighty brave, are we? COSMO: Or just insane. CASSI: Or really stupid. GERARD: (opens the box and a white hand pops up, holding dead flowers, a watch, and a note) AUTHOR: Well, it's not a bomb. CASSI: Are you sure? PENNY: (reads the note) "Roses are red, violets are blue. These flowers are dead, and you could be, too." Why do I keep getting dead roses and threatening poems every time I get a descent acting job!? This is hideous! SVEN: It was in the book, and I liked it. I can't help it if you have a thing for attracting madmen--or just very very determined people. MURDOC: (looks innocently at the ceiling) CASSI: You didn't get one on the Phantom. PENNY: This is not funny. GERARD: There's a bomb in this box. PENNY: I don't see it. GERARD: There's a wire attached to the watch. It runs along the hand, down into the box. RYAN: (from the doorway) Yep, and it's attached to a batch of homemade C4. AUTHOR: Disarm it, now Gaerity. RYAN: (sticks his lip out) Bu-- AUTHOR: Now. RYAN: (walks over and cuts the wire to the watch, then he picks up the box and tosses it out the window--there is a loud explosion) AUTHOR: I told you to DISARM it, not dispose of it! RYAN: There was no way to disarm it. I made it impossible. AUTHOR: (groans) Continue. CHRIS: To the Gotham Globe. PENNY: You really wouldn't believe it, Jonathan. My day has been lousy. JONATHAN: So I heard. AUTHOR: (cocks Gerard's gun) JONATHAN: (coughs and continues) Well, while you were out eentertaining, I've been here, finding out about your street corner. (pauses) I think that Mr. Wayne, over there, is really messed up, but then so's the one playing him. CASSI: Very true. AUTHOR: Script! PENNY: (sighs) More good news. WOLVIE: You think THAT was good news? You're messed up, too. AUTHOR: Skip the news paper thing. We don't know Malcom's dad's name, anyway. Just say your line. PENNY: His parents were murdered in that alley. MALCOM: (enters) Whose parents? PENNY: You aren't in this scene. MALCOM: What scene? AUTHOR: Are you okay, Malcom? MALCOM: My head really hurts. CASSI: I bet, but at least it doesn't have a hole in it anymore. MALCOM: Why is the spoof still going? AUTHOR: Cuz we were waiting for you...well, not really, since you haven't had a scene yet, but you get the point. MALCOM: Oh great. I can't even escape by dying. RYAN: I told you he wanted to die. AUTHOR: Quiet, Ryan, you're in enough trouble. MALCOM: I told him to kill me. AUTHOR: Okay, Ryan, you're forgiven. Malcom, you're an idiot. RYAN: (grins) CHRIS: Script! Malcom, go sit down! AUTHOR: Penny, let's continue. PENNY: That's why he went there. JONATHAN: Poor kid. Watched the whole thing happen in front of him. PENNY: Look at--(pauses) We don't have a newspaper. AUTHOR: Pretend. PENNY: Look at the face. It was the same as at City Hall. JONATHAN: What do you suppose something like that does to a person? TWO-FACE: It makes them run around, dressed like a flying rat. BRUCE: Very funny. Bats aren't rats. CASSI: Maybe, but he has a point. AUTHOR: Yep. WOLVIE: Maybe he had a fascination with Halloween, and it messed up his head. NILES: That makes no sense at all, Wolvie. The tragedy of losing his parents is what caused him to split in two. It leaves him in a world where normal rules of right and wrong no longer apply. BRUCE: You're a shrink, aren't you? AUTHOR: Yeh, he's our crew shrink. BRUCE: Shrinks are annoying. NICK: You want me to eat him? MALCOM: Nice thought. BRUCE: Yes, but not a good idea. NILES: See? By saying what you have, you've just proved what I said. Although, I don't understand how it worked on Malcom. CASSI: (whispers to John) What the heck did he just say? JOHN: (shrugs) Just smile and pretend you understood it. ALAN: (to Niles) He's had some bad experiences. CASSI: He almost got eaten by a T-Rex. NILES: That would do it. CASSI: More than once. SVEN: Don't forget the raptors. NICK: I wouldn't have eaten him. He called me out. I wanted to play. MALCOM: You sure have a strange way of showing it. NICK: Just cause you play differently than we do. AUTHOR: Can we continue? Penny, you have to run off. PENNY: Why? AUTHOR: Because you just figured out that Malcom is Batman. PENNY: I already knew that. CASSI: (sighs) Pretend you didn't. PENNY: (shrugs and runs off) JONATHAN: Parker, don't get personal! CHRIS: End scene. AUTHOR: Finally. RYAN: I'm bored. AUTHOR: So go kill someone. RYAN: I don't feel like it. CASSI: (stares st him) Who are you and what have you done to Ryan Gaerity? RYAN: (frowns) I just don't feel like killing anyone right now. AUTHOR: Do you need to sit down, Ryan? Are you alright? MURDOC: He's fine. I think he's just bored. AUTHOR: Whatever. Anyway, Malcom, Ardeth, you're up. ARDETH: (enters the uh...raptorcave) MALCOM: Ardeth, did you get the file on Bruce's parents? AUTHOR: (groans) ARDETH: Have you no eyes? It's right in front of you. MALCOM: (flatly) Thanks. ARDETH: (sweetly) You're welcome. MALCOM: I hate you. ARDETH: The feeling is mutual. MULDER: Now you know how I feel with MY co-stars! FIDDLES: (offended) Well, I never! You're a bad person, that's what you are! HARLEY: *Careful, FBI human. I can kill you.* AUTHOR: Not on my set! Do it in The Phantom! RYAN: I'll help! HARLEY: *I need no help.* RYAN: But-- HARLEY: *I meant what I said. Neverwolves fight their own battles.* RYAN: Man! Not fair! AUTHOR: Script! MALCOM: What's on your mind, Al? ARDETH: (glares) Killing you and leaving your mutilated body to rot in the desert somewhere. CASSI: Ouch. LOGAN: That should be messy. RICK: You know, he was never like this before you people got to him. ARDETH: And I'll let Murdoc and Ryan help. RYAN: AlRIGHT! MURDOC: Sounds like fun. When are you free? AUTHOR: (cocks Gerad's gun and fires four shots into the air) --Silence-- AUTHOR: Can we continue? GERARD: You know, technically, it's illegal for you to be using that gun. You're not 21. AUTHOR: (points the gun at Gerard) CASSI: Bad US Marshall. Never tell either of us what we can and can't so on our set. AUTHOR: Or you'll find yourself dead, in the medlab. ANGELUS: Yeah, I can speak to that. AUTHOR: Hello, Angelus. Gonna mind now? ANGELUS: Only when I have to. AUTHOR: (nods, pleased) Let's continue. Ardeth, get your lines right. ARDETH: (to Malcom) I have no wish to fill my remaining many years grieving for the loss of old friends, (pauses) or their sons. AUTHOR: End scene. CASSI: Next scene? --Marvin the Martian enters-- SPIKE: Hey, Marvin's back. CASSI: Don't tell me he lost another eludium Q36 explosive space modulators. MARVIN: Someone has stolen one of my martian making machines. AUTHOR: I haven't seen any here. MARVIN: (sighs) CASSI: Let me call J. AUTHOR: (hands her the phone) CASSI: (punches in the number) Yeah, hi J! ....No, this is Cassi.....No, Mravin's here. He says someone stole a martian making gumball machine......(pause) No, I'm not kidding!! this could be SERIOUS! You could be up to your armpits in martians if anyone dumps water on it! (pause) Why don't you bring Marvin. He can help.....Hello? Hello?? (looks up) He hung up on me. (Wolvie pout) How rude. AUTHOR: You think he'll show? CASSI: It is a possibility. At the very least, he'll come out of curiosity to see if we were really serious. --Ten minutes later, Agent J enters the set-- J: I'm back. MARVIN: Can you help me? J: Are you on the planet legally? MARVIN: (holds up his passport) Yes! J: This way. (they both exit) CHRIS: Okay, next scene! Han, you're up! HAN: The 200th Anniversary Birthday Gala has been postponed indefinitely. We simply cannot guarantee public safety. CHRIS: We move to a video monitor. --Video noise wipes out half the image away, leaving a split screen. On one side is Han. On the other, sitting in a recliner with a big yellow happy face behind him, is Ryan Gaerity.--He is wearing his flesh- toned make-up-- RYAN: Joker here. (pause) Now you guys have said some pretty mean things. Some of which, were true under that fiend, Boss Magneto. He was a terrorist and a thief, but on the other hand, he had a tremendous singing voice. CASSI: Which is something we can't say about Gaerity. RYAN: (gives her a flat look) Thanks, Cassi. AUTHOR: Ryan! Script! RYAN: Anyway, he's dead. MAGNETO: Wanna bet? CASSI: He's alive again! RYAN: (shoots his gun at Magneto) MAGNETO: (tries to stop the bullet, but finds he can't--he falls to the floor, dead) RYAN: Wooden bullets. Now, as I was saying. He's dead. MUNGO: Bu' I jus' brough' 'im BACK! CARTER: (collapses to the floor, laughing and crying at the same time) CASSI: Congratulations, Gaerity. you just drove Carter off the deep end. RYAN: May I continue? AUTHOR: Please do. RYAN: He's dead, and he left me in charge. Now I can be theatrical, maybe even a bit rough--but there's one thing I am NOT, and that is a killer! CHRIS: You do realize you just shot Magneto on live television? What do you mean you're NOT a killer? RYAN: He was supposed to be still dead. Besides, I'm an artist. AUTHOR: (laughing) This is funny. Keep it up. RYAN: (grins) And I love a party. So commence au festival! CASSI: Everybody loves a good party. RYAN: I've even got a surprise planned for Gotham City. PENNY: He's going to blow up the whole city? AUTHOR: No, we wont let him. We'll need it for the sequels. RYAN: At midnight tonight, I.....(pause) I WHAT!!??! I'm not giving them that kind of money!! Not a chance! MURDOC: So give them fake money. RYAN: Okay. At midnight tonight, I'll drop 20 million in cash on the crowd and you can all pretend it's real. WOLVIE: (flips his middle claw) Not a chance. We want real money. AUTHOR: The real Joker dropped Joker money. Besides, who cares. They all show up anyway, and the Jawas take any kind of money. WOLVIE: Really? JAWA: (nods)Dink. AUTHOR: Now let's continue. RYAN: I've got plenty, so don't worry about me. HAN: We are not prepared to discuss any deals. RYAN: (moves his hand as is swatting a fly and Han's image is pushed off the screen, so all we can see is Ryan) You heard me folks. 20 million that Jawa Dink-Dinks accept. SPIKE: Well, he's my friend now. CASSI: Especially since the Jawas have decided to start charging all the time now. AUTHOR: They had to. They were going broke. Shall we continue? RYAN: And there will be entertainment. The big buckeroo. Me in one corner, and in the other, the man who has brought the real terror to this city. Batman. (leans toward the camera) Can you hear me? You got those pointy antennas facing this way? Just you and me. Mano a mano. I've taken off my make-up-- CASSI: No you didn't. You put it on. RYAN: (flatly) It's in the script. Now let me finish. CASSI: Sure, go ahead. RYAN: Let's see if you can take off yours. CHRIS: End scene. AUTHOR: Raptor cave. Malcom has Ryan's image frozen on TV....and then we're gonna skip the scene where Penny comes in, because let's face it, Penny isn't gonna enter that cave, because she knows something bad happened in there and it was wiped out of her mind. PENNY: Yep, and I don't appreciate it either. CASSI: You would if you remembered it. AUTHOR: Skip to Axis Chemicals. ALONZO: (jumps out of the way, just as the Batmobile smashes through the gate and comes to rest in front of the building) It's Batman's car! DOT: You don't say. --Flaps on the car open as Alonzo fires at it--Rocket launchers emerge through the open flaps-- CASSI: You know, Sven, you could have just let Ryan blow it up. AUTHOR: Ryan blows everything up. Let someone else have a turn. CASSI: (shrugs) --The rocket ignite and blast through the doors. The Batmobile enters the building and shields itself. All the Jellicles exit the building. From the hubcaps of the car come arms, each holding thermal detonators. The car activates them and drops them, before speeding out of the building, which is vaporized after five minutes-- SPIKE: I always loved those things. CASSI: I don't remember the Batmobil being equipped with thermal detonators. MALCOM: I had some help working on the car. BOBA FETT: (enters) That would be me. AUTHOR: Oh Fett's back. I like the addition. --The Batmoblie stops at Malcom's side. He pats the fender-- MALCOM: Good car. --Sounds of a helicopter are heard and a bright search light flashes on Malcom-- RYAN: (over a megaphone) Nyah nyah nyah!! You missed! Into the air, junior Bird-man! Missed me!!! (laughs) You can't get me!! (laughs again) You can't even make your own bombs!! You suck! (laughs again) I'm gonna go kill people, have fun, Batboy! (laughs insanely) MALCOM: (glares) I'm going to kill him. MURDOC: (hefts his axe) I'd like to see you try. AUTHOR: End scene! Break time! CASSI: Joy. Another fight. AUTHOR: Breaktime doesn't mean fights. CASSI: What else can happen on a break? JIGGLYPUFF: Jiggly!!! AUTHOR: That. RYAN: (gives Jiggly a new microphone) JIGGLY: (exits happily without singing) **surprise, huh?** CASSI: Hey not fair!! RYAN: She still has a permanent marker, remember? CASSI: She doesn't draw on you anyway. RYAN: Yeah, but Murdoc won't be too happy if I let her draw on him, and none of us trust you to stick around. CHRIS: Yeah, you'd probably leave us to fend for ourselves. --Cassi and Author exit offended, doing the Wolvie pout--meanwhile, Jiggly reenters and starts singing, causing everyone to fall asleep...**do you love our sense of humor or what? ^_^**-- TWO HOURS LATER--- ********************* CHRIS: (sits up and groans) I think I asked for this one. (trudges over to the bathroom and screams at the top of his lungs) ARDETH: (sits up and looks around) JARETH: (waves his hand and his face is clean) MISTO & IMHOTEP: (do the same) RYAN: (grins) She missed me....again! ARDETH: (surprised) She didn't put anything on me! MURDOC: (grumbles obscenely) This is YOUR fault, Gaerity. --The happyface that is usually on Ardeth's face is on Murdoc's-- RYAN: (laughs) It's not that bad, my friend. CHRIS: (screaming) GET IT OFF!!! GET THIS THING OFF MY FACE!!!!! MURDOC: Oh look, another Clefairy. (snickers) JARETH: (grinning--takes pity on him and causes the evil creatures of hell to vanish from Chris's face) **Cassi grins innocently--this wasn't in Sven's typed script....the part about the evil creatures thing....can you tell I hate those things? They're so creepy.** CHRIS: (sighs, relieved) Thankyou. SPIKE: Oh sod off! How do I bloody well know when I've gotten it off!? GERARD: (flatly) This is not amusing. --His face has a big black mustache and cat whiskers on it-- COSMO: (groans) I look like a fish. This isn't fair. EVELYN: This is not coming off! RICK: I'm gonna kill you Gaerity! GAERITY: I'm shakin' in my boots. ANGELUS: You will be. RYAN: (holds up a box) I don't think so. (grins) The whole place is wired. AUTHOR: (enters) NOT MY SET!!! PUT THAT THING AWAY!!! CASSI: Hey, no blowing up the spoofset! AUTHOR: (snaps her fingers and everyone's face is cleared) There. Is everyone happy? MURDOC: Yes. Ryan, you're forgiven. ANGELUS: Hey, speak for yourself. He was gonna blow everyone up. CASSI: Yes, amusing, wasn't it? SPIKE: No. RICK: I don't like him. AUTHOR: I'm sure, but if you so much as lay a finger on him, Steve will eat you. Steve, go protect your boss. STEVE: (runs over to stand next to Ryan) Yes ma'am. RYAN: (cheesy grin) AUTHOR: Besides, Ryan tried to keep Jiggly away. I guess it didn't work. She must have wanted to try out her new microphone. Now can we stop fighting? WOLVIE: But we like to fight. CASSI: Too bad. WOLVIE: (pouting) AUTHOR: Let's continue. We're close to the end. MALCOM: Really?! AUTHOR: Yep. CHRIS: Alright. Ryan, Murdoc, and the henchcats are all riding down the street on floats, toting four huge balloons. --One is Jigglypuff, one is a Jawa, one is Pikachu, and the other is Meowth. The large boombox is playing more U2 music **most likely "I still haven't found what I'm looking for"** Ryan, Murdoc and the Jellicles are throwing money to the crowd. The faces of the money are of Jawas and it reads "Spoof Currency"-- CASSI: Nice touch. JONATHAN: (parks his car and he and Penny get out) Get pictures. Gotham's greed....hello! (catches some money and pockets it) ALL CAST & PEANUT GALLERY: (converge on the money) **See where our priorities are?** AUTHOR: Amusing. PENNY: (takes pictures) MALCOM: (flies over the city in the Batwing) RYAN: That's right folks! Who do you trust? SPIKE: We don't trust you. All you did was give us spoof money. Why should we trust you? RYAN: Me? I'm giving away free money. And where is Batman? He's at home, washing his tights! CHRIS: Back to Penny taking pictures! PENNY: (angles her camera lense at the Jigglypuff balloon and notices green gases leaking out) Those balloons are full of Smylex gas! He's gonna kill everybody! JONATHAN: Right then. Let's get out of here. PENNY: WHAT?! RICK: Same old Jonathan. JONATHAN: Malcom's the hero. He saves the day. I've read the script and I don't want to be hit by a CAR!! CASSI: There's a surprise. DOT: The car thing or the fact that he read the script? PENNY: You know, he has a point. AUTHOR: (hits Jonathan on the back of the head, knocking him out) Too bad. You can't leave because Ryan has to kidnap Penny. PENNY: Not fair. MALCOM: (flies over in the Batwing) RYAN: Ah, wing-ed battle flies through the night and finds me ready. (laughs) Murdoc, mask. MURDOC: (hands Ryan a gas mask and places one on his own face) RYAN: (yelling) Now comes the part where I relive you, the little people, of the burden of your failed and useless lives!! But as my plastic surgeon always says, "When you gotta go, go with a smile!" (takes a remote control from under his chair, and points it at the balloons) --The hanging tanks start pumping gas into the balloons and they start to swell--Ryan puts his mask on-- The crowd begins to panic-- MUNGO: If they all doi, I QUI'! CARTER: They're not supposed to. CASSI: Where have we heard THAT before? TEAZER: They killed the stah, Mungo. All be's are off. CHRIS: Script. To the Batwing. --The Batwing streaks toward the balloons. From under the front of the cockpit, a cable catcher/cutter slides out to protrude in front of the jet. The cable catcher/cutter is picking up, cutting, and holding the balloon ropes. The Batwing swoops up and away from Gotham, taking the balloons with it-- RYAN: (takes off his gasmask) Those are my balloons. MALCOM: (ditches the balloons and heads back) RYAN: He stole my balloons. CASSI: (sarcastically) That bastard. RYAN: Why didn't somebody tell me he had one of those....things?! AUTHOR: How about you didn't ask? RYAN: Murdoc, gun! MURDOC: (sighs and hands Ryan the gun) RYAN: (shoots Macavity) --All the Jellicles run-- MURDOC: What now, boss? RYAN: Now we wait. AUTHOR: Murdoc, you're supposed to be dead! Go sit down! MURDOC: (apologetically) Sorry, Ryan. I have to go now. RYAN: (sighs) I know. MURDOC: Nice working with you though. MALCOM: (aims everything he's got at Ryan) RYAN: Come and get me! MALCOM: (fires) --Rockets, bullets, and laser beams smash into the ground around Ryan, who doesn't move....everything misses-- **with all the high tech equipment on that Batwing and a dead on target, HOW DID HE MISS HIM!!?!?!** RYAN: You can't aim for crap. (pulls out a small box and pushes a button on it, the wings on the Batwing explode) Guess what! I DID know he had one of those things! CASSI: Figures. MALCOM: (crashes) RYAN: (falls to the ground, laughing) BRUCE: You BROKE it!! RYAN: (laughs harder) BRUCE: I just got it fixed and you had to blow it up! I don't BELIEVE this!!! RYAN: (is STILL laughing) PENNY: (runs over to investigate the crash sight...she sees no one inside) **Figures, huh?** RYAN: (who has apparently recovered his laughter--places Murdoc's gun to her head) PENNY: I thought you were laughing and celebrating. RYAN: I recover quickly. (he pushes her toward the entrance of the cathedral) Looks like I'll have to get you to the church on time. PENNY: You're insane, you know you're going to lose. RYAN: (shrugs) I've lost before, sweet lass. (Speaks into a radio) Gotham City Cathedral, transportation for two...five minutes. (looks up at the tall building) Better make it ten. --They enter the building-- AUTHOR: Back to Malcom. MALCOM: (pulls himself out of the wreckage and promptly passes out) CASSI: He wasn't supposed to do that. AUTHOR: Dr. Carter? CARTER: (walks over and checks Malcom) I say we take another break. RYAN: (sighs, relieved) Good, cause I really didn't want to climb all those stairs yet. AUTHOR: How bad is he? CARTER: A major concussion, several broken ribs, internal bleeding, a broken arm....shall I continue? AUTHOR: Mungo, prep the bacta tank. MUNGO: Go' i'. CASSI: Breaktime! --Mungo and Dr. Carter wheel Malcom away on a stretcher-- AUTHOR: So now what? WOLVIE: Fight? AUTHOR: NO, I want a nap. RYAN: (sits down next to the Author) So now what? AUTHOR: We wait for Malcom to return. MURDOC: (sits down on the other side of the Author) AUTHOR: What do you want? MURDOC: Nothing. AUTHOR: I'm not saying about the next spoofs, so don't bother asking. RYAN: Just tell us who's starring in yours. AUTHOR: Dr. Carter. MURDOC: The Doctor....who else? AUTHOR: Not saying. CHRIS: Classified information. Sorry Mike. RYAN: Why? Do we have star roles? Who are the bad guys? CASSI: You'd laugh. RYAN: Who? AUTHOR: Mulder and Krycheck. MULDER: WHAT!? AUTHOR: That's just in mine. We're doing three spoofs. One with the both of us. MULDER: I'm a bad guy? SCULLY: This promises to be interesting. MURDOC: Why is Dr. Carter the star? GERARD: Because he's a doctor. MURDOC: So? COSMO: (gives Gerard a funny look) She's not-- GERARD: (nods) **okay, people for 20 points, what is Sven doing next?** MURDOC: (narrows his eyes) I think I know. AUTHOR: Well, don't say anything. Now leave me alone. MULDER: Why am I the bad guy? CASSI: Boy, he's a broken record isn't he? AUTHOR: (shoots him in the arm) The only reason you're still alive is because they need you in the Phantom spoof. **The Phantom was not yet completed when this was written. This was why Mulder mentioned he was recently shot in the arm** MULDER: (exits quickly) AUTHOR: Now everyone leave me alone. SIXTEEN HOURS LATER *********************** MALCOM: (reenters) CASSI: Why does it take so much longer to fix an alive person than a dead one? AUTHOR: (shrugs) Don't know. CASSI: I say the next time we have one half-dead, we just kill them. It's easier. MALCOM: Gaerity is INSANE! CASSI: Tell us something we DON'T know. MALCOM: (sighs) Let's just continue. AUTHOR: Okay, Ryan. you drag Penny up the stairs in the church. Malcom knocks over all the pews. MALCOM: Oh right. Just announce to the world I'm here. RYAN: I already knew, so it doesn't matter, does it? AUTHOR: Gaerity, stairs now! RYAN: (mutters under his breath and starts pulling Penny up the stairs) MALCOM: (enters the church and knocks over all the pews in a domino effect) You know...that felt pretty good. AUTHOR: Then we have several silent stair scenes, and Gaerity drops one of Penny's shoes over the side. RYAN: (drops the shoe, hitting Malcom in the head with it) MALCOM: That HURT, you maniac! CASSI: Maybe you should have moved. It was in the script for him to drop it. MALCOM: Yeah right. It's always gotta be my fault. AUTHOR: Ryan was following the script. --Ryan and Penny reach the top and go through the trap door at the top-- AUTHOR: Back downstairs, cop cars pull up and Jareth gets out of one. JARETH: Let's go, men. --Jareth, Scott, Luke, and Logan enter the church-- AUTHOR: Back to Ryan. RYAN: (laughs) AUTHOR: Ryan, the script! RYAN: (nods, pulls out his acid shooting flower and sprays the bolts at the top of a large bell) --The bell falls, narrowly missing Malcom and demolishes most of the staircase, blocking the entrance at the bottom of the stairs-- SCOTT: Oh please. That's child's play. Any of us could move this. LUKE: Oh yeah. No problem. AUTHOR: Try it and you won't like what happens. LUKE: Bad idea, boys. SCOTT: I agree. LOGAN: Yep. JARETH: Let's go. --They exit the building-- JARETH: You put those searchlights up to the top of the building! Move! LOGAN: Bossy, ain't he? SARAH: You ain't seen nothing yet. CHRIS: Script! We're almost done. AUTHOR: Okay, Malcom reaches the top. RYAN: (over a speaker) It can truly be said that I have a bat in my belfry. (laughs) Shall we dance? (pulls Penny into a dance) ALONZO: (Attacks Malcom, and is quickly knocked out cold) --Asparagus and Coricopat both jump him, and he fights them--The screen switches to Ryan and Penny-- RYAN: You know, without you, I just couldn't go on. (points a gun at his head) ANGELUS: Is he gonna shoot himself? SPIKE: We could only be that lucky. RYAN: (pulls the trigger and a red flag reading "bang" unrolls from the barrel) PENNY: (screams) YOU JERK!!! DON'T SCARE ME LIKE THAT!! RYAN: (laughs) PENNY: You insane madman! RYAN: (laughs harder) PENNY: Will someone please get me away from him? RYAN: It is as though we were made for one another. Beauty and the Beast. Except if anyone else calls you Beast, I'll rip their lungs out. PENNY: (punches Ryan) CASSI: Ehh.... PENNY: You are a JERK!!! A self centered, egotistical JERK!! RYAN: So? PENNY: (glares and stomps away) MALCOM: Excuse me....Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight? (punches Ryan and slams him into a bell) SPIKE: GET HIM, BATBOY!!!! ANGELUS: RIP HIS THROAT OUT!!!! EVELYN: KILL THE BASTARD!!! RICK: Evy! EVELYN: I didn't like that drawing on my face. CASSI: Look, Ryan's got lots of enemies. MALCOM: I'm gonna kill you. RYAN: You idiot. You made me. Remember? You dumped me into that vat of Chemicals. That wasn't easy to get over and don't think that I didn't try. MALCOM: I know you did. (punches Ryan in the stomach, then slams him through a wall) MURDOC: Come on, let me help him, Author. Malcom's kicking his butt. Let me kill the bat. AUTHOR: Stay out of it, Murdoc. You're dead. RYAN: (spits out a fake set of teeth. which continue to chomp on the floor...then he punches Malcom) OWW!! (he glares) That's it! (pulls out a knife and slices Malcom down the arm) AUTHOR: Ryan, no weapons. (snaps her fingers and the knife vanishes) XANDER: What if he blows up the set? Doesn't he still have that detonator? CASSI: He was bluffing. AUTHOR: Script! MALCOM: You killed my parents. RYAN: I did not! I lived in Ireland when you were a kid. Maybe a T-Rex killed your parents! MALCOM: (shrugs) Actually, they aren't dead yet. RYAN: (flatly) Figures. AUTHOR: Please can we end this soon? RYAN: What are you talking about, Batboy? I was a kid when I killed your parents. I say you made me, you gotta say I made you first, how childish can you get? CASSI: You hear that, Bruce? He has a point. BRUCE: I know my mistake. RICHARD: You got your revenge, and you had the nerve to tell me not to kill Two-Face!? That sucks. AUTHOR: Can we deal with this later? BRUCE: Sure. RICHARD: Yeah. (glares at Bruce) AUTHOR: Malcom and Ryan, add the extra lines that I gave you. MALCOM: Are we going to kill each other, Ryan? RYAN: Ryan? Ryan's out. I'm running his body for him while he's gone. MALCOM: Well, when you see him, tell him I'm going to kick his ass. RYAN: I'll make a note of it. AUTHOR: Script, Ryan. RYAN: (puts on a pair of glasses) You wouldn't hit a man with glasses, would you? MALCOM: (punches Ryan, knocking him off the building) SPIKE: Is he gone yet? --Penny and Malcom go to investigate. Ryan reaches up and grabs their hands, pulling the both of them over the side of the building--Penny screams--Ryan stands on the ledge above them, laughing, while Malcom and Penny hang by their hands-- RYAN: (laughing insanely, when he looks up at a gargoyle) What are you looking at? CASSI: Ehh, no comment. RYAN: (reaches a hand out to Penny) Here, let me lend you a hand. PENNY: Not a chance. I don't trust you. RYAN: (shrugs) Such is life, darlin'. I wasn't gonna pull a trick on you. AUTHOR: Well, that was dumb, Penny. PENNY: (glares) RYAN: (stomps on the bricks, trying to make Malcom and Penny fall) They don't make them like they used to. MALCOM: You're not funny. RYAN: Hey, Batsy!!! (laughs) --A helicopter is heard, and it comes flying in close. It is being flown by Cosmo and MacGyver-- COSMO: There he is! Down there! RYAN: Well, it's time to retire. Feel free to drop in. MACGYVER: (drops the ladder) RYAN: (shakes his head) This is gonna hurt. (grabs the ladder) MACGYVER: Come on! MALCOM: (shoots a small device that attaches Ryan's foot to the heavy gargoyle) RYAN: (closes his eyes and grins) --The gargoyle slips off the top of the church, and Ryan lets go of the ladder and falls-- CASSI: Wow, he actually let go. AUTHOR: How do we rate that? JARETH: (from the ground) 10! RUFIO: 10! CASSI: 10. 15 if he survives it. You never know with these madmen. AUTHOR: Definite 10. He let go. CHRIS: 10! --Malcom and Penny fall, and Malcom shoots a grappling hook up the side of the building and they stop halfway down-- JARETH: (walks over to where Gaerity landed) RYAN: (stands up) Owww, ohhhh, ahhh, oooo...(looks at Jareth) Ahhhh, ohhhh, owwww, ooooo!! (kicks the steps) Owwww, ooooo, uggghhh!! (falls over) CASSI: Get that man another Oscar! JARETH: He lived through THAT!? CASSI: See? Madmen. MURDOC: (beams proudly) He did that just right. BRUCE: Is he dead NOW?! CASSI: What do you think? SPIKE: I doubt it. Murdoc wasn't. BUFFY: How did he live through that? MACGYVER: Murdoc fell off Widowmaker and lived through it. **although we don't know how....** SPIKE: It has to be the insanity. CHRIS: Scene change! **Guess what!!! 10 pages left!!! ^_^ Hey, that's good out of 168!** JARETH: Our police have rounded up all of the Joker's remaining men. The reign of crime is over. Public safety in Gotham City is no longer a laughing matter. AUTHOR: Where's Penny? ARDETH: (comes running in, laughing, with Jonathan and Penny right behind him) JONATHAN: Give me those!!! ARDETH: (holds two Polaroids up in his hands) CASSI: (snatches them) Lemme see! Wow. RICK: (peers over Cassi's shoulder) Nice work, Jonathan. JONATHAN & PENNY: (turn red) AUTHOR: So Penny has a new boyfriend who is NOT a psycho. MACGYVER: (sighs, relieved) AUTHOR: Back to the script. ALAN: We received a letter from Batman. (reads it) "Please inform the citizens of Gotham that Gotham City has earned a rest from crime, but if the forces of evil should rise again and cast a shadow in the heart of the city...call me." JONATHAN: (with his arm around Penny) Question! How do we call him? CASSI: You dial his 900 number. MALCOM: Very funny. JARETH: He gave us a signal! (turns on a spot light with a huge picture of a bat on it) Dorky, isn't it? BRUCE: Nobody asked you. AUTHOR: Skip the rest, Penny doesn't like Malcom....obviously. PENNY: (grins and kisses Jonathan) AUTHOR: (shakes her head) End spoof!!! AFTER THE SPOOF ******************** RYAN: (sits back up) Ahhhh, owwww, eeeeech, uggghhhh!! (falls over again) ALL: (who are not staring, are giving a standing ovation) RYAN: (stands up, starts laughing insanely and slowly slides down the wall) MURDOC & ARDETH: (take him by the arms and drag him out) MALCOM: (sighing) It's over. AUTHOR: Not yet. --A man walks on set-- CASSI: Where do I know that guy? SVEN: It's Liam! LIAM: My name is James Dove. SVEN: (holds up two identical sets of fingerprints) One of these is Liam McGivney's and the other is yours. See? They're the same. You're busted, but that's not what's important. CASSI: HEY MR. JOKER!!!! LIAM'S HERE!!!! RYAN: (runs back in, draggin Mungo, who was trying to put him in a straight jacket--he shrugs the jacket off) LIAM: (frowns) Who's that? RYAN: Oh, you sadden me, Liam. You mean to say you don't recognize me? LIAM: (pales) Ryan Gaerity? What kind of a game is this? MURDOC: Oh you play games too? We really are two of a kind. RYAN: (grins) No games, Liam. Just revenge. LIAM: You won't get away with this. There's too many people here. SPIKE: (vamps out and grabs one of Liam's arms) ANGELUS: (vamps out and grabs the other one) RYAN: You were sayin', Liam? LIAM: What is this place? CASSI: A spoof set. LIAM: Why is Ryan here and why does he look like that? SVEN: He was one of the stars on my Batman spoof. You're his reward for being such a good actor. LIAM: You can't kill me, Ryan. RYAN: Why not? I've killed lots of people already. CASSI: Yeah, Mungo can always bring you back. LIAM: WHAT?! RYAN: (grins) Now how will I do it? MURDOC: (hands him a list) Whatever you want. I've got some good ones, and I'll even help. Just ask! RYAN: (scans the list) Hmmm, blown up? Nahh. Eaten by Bamfs? No, too quick. Shot? No. Ripped apart by raptors? STEVE: Sounds good. RYAN: No, hmmmm, I could slice him up...but... MURDOC: But what? RYAN: I'd rather he suffered. ARDETH: Well, you could always make it a long drawn out death. LIAM: This isn't funny. RYAN: Shut up, Liam. Nobody wants to hear you whine. MURDOC: What are you going to do, Ryan? RYAN: (sighs) You know, I really don't want him dead. SVEN: There's a surprise. CASSI: Wow. RYAN: I want him to suffer like I had to, rotting away in prison for 20 years. CHRIS: So make him go to prison. RYAN: No, that would be too easy and too kind. Something worse. LUKE: Can I make a suggestion? RYAN: Go ahead. LUKE: (grins) George? RYAN: Hmmm, not bad. MACGYVER: That's worse than any torture. RYAN: Hmmm... BUFFY: (cringes) Totally unforgettable and humiliating. RYAN: Tempting. CASSI: Ah yes, torture without killing. SVEN: NO mees to clean up and Mungo wouldn't have to bring him back. MUNGO: I loike i'. LIAM: I don't like the sound of that. ARDETH: Would you rather we disembowel you and let raptors feast on your innards while you are still alive? RICK: I think he's been a pirate Captain too long. LIAM: (staring horrified) RYAN: Or I could slice you apart bone by bone organ by organ. LIAM: (pales) WOLVIE: Slice him apart! I wanna watch! RYAN: Quiet Wolvie! LIAM: You can't do this, Ryan. RYAN: Why not? What about what you did to me? LIAM: I did nothing to you. RYAN: I spent 20 years of my life on the run, or in prison because of you! You were responsible for the deaths of our team. My sister was one of them! You should remember that! LIAM: You didn't care that she'd died. All you cared about were your bombs! MURDOC: Somehow I doubt that. Us very determined people tend to be protective of our sisters. RYAN: Liam, Liam. Why must you always be this way? Jareth, give him bunny ears. Maybe I'll kill him later. Let him suffer now. JARETH: (waves his hand, causing bunny ears to appear on Liam's head) RYAN: Goodbye, Liam! CASSI: HEY ABOMINABLE!!! ABOMINABLE: (lifts Laim into the air) Dis is my own little bunny rabbut! And I will name him George, and I will hug him and squeeze him and pet him and pat him. (exits carrying a struggling Laim) RYAN: (smiles and sighs) I feel better now. SVEN: Are you gonna kill him later? RYAN: Maybe. MALCOM: Tha spoof is over. PENNY: Hurray!!! RYAN: How sad....and I had such fun. SVEN: Ryan, you have a star role in my next spoof. RYAN: REALLY!? MURDOC: What about me? SVEN: You too. MURDOC: (suspicious) Okay, I think I have it figured out, but what are we doing next? SVEN: I told you wait and see. MAGNETO: (reenters) If I get killed one more time in this spoof, I'm going to get very mad. RYAN: Relax. Spoof's over. POUNCE: BOINGY!!!! Wha'd I miss? MACAVITY: I was NOT supposed to get shot! RYAN: Well, I wasn't about to shoot Murdoc. CASSI: Well, it probably wouldn't have killed him anyway. It's not like he hasn't been shot before. RYAN: I wasn't going to take the chance. PENNY: I am never watching this movie again! I HATE it! CASSI: At least you got to work with Jonathan. PENNY: (smiles up at Jonathan) Yeah, that's true. SVEN: (makes gagging noises) This is grossing me out. WOLVIE: Yeah, get a room. We don't wanna watch THAT! CREEPY: (makes a face) Yeah. WOLVIE: Copycat. CREEPY: Am not. WOLVIE: Are too! SVEN: D2! WOLVIE: Not funny! WAGNER: Ah ve finished? SVEN: I guess it's over. J: Are you still gonna need me? SVEN: Stay and find out. Liam has to come back eventually. RYAN: Oh, you're not going to make him forget, are ya? SVEN: Ryan, do you really want him knowing you're alive? RYAN: Hmm, not really. CASSI: You gonna kill him still? RYAN: Not sure. SVEN: (shakes her head in disgust) I bring a person in for the sole purpose that you can kill him, and what happens? You change your mind!! MURDOC: You ARE a bitter little person. SVEN: Shut up or I'll make sure YOU die. MURDOC: Right. Whatever. SVEN: Or I'll bring Arbok out again. MURDOC: That big purple snake? (pales) SVEN: (grins) Yes. FIDDLES: I dont' see what's so scary about a snake, no I really don't. SVEN: Be quiet, Fiddles. FIDDLES: (pouting) MACGYVER: Can we leave? CASSI: Is anyone stopping you? MACGYVER: (exits) --Penny and Jonathan follow-- LUKE: See you next spoof! (he, Mara, Leia, and Han exit) POUNCE: Who killed me? ARDETH: I did. POUNCE: Why? ARDETH: You shot me. POUNCE: So? ARDETH: (glares) POUNCE: (scurries off set, followed by the rest of the Jellicles) SVEN: Well, everyone's leaving. RYAN: I think I'll stay. Liam might come back. SVEN: Oh he will. EVELYN: Alex, honey, it's past your bedtime. ALEX: Ahh Mum. --Rick, Evelyn, and Alex exit--Soon followed by the Pokemon group and the X-Men-- SVEN: Sure is more quiet now. CYKE: Wolvie HIT me!!! WOLVIE: Cyke hit me BACK! CASSI: You were saying, Sven? SVEN: (groans) I'm tired. CASSI: So end it already. SVEN: Still have the Aftermath. CASSI: So let's get to it. SVEN: Okay, the end. THE AFTERMATH ******************** LIAM: (comes running in) RYAN: Back so soon? LIAM: Are you gonna kill me now, Ryan? SVEN: If he does, he better do it before the madteam leaves. RYAN: Hmmmm.... MURDOC: So what will it be, Ryan? RYAN: (points a gun at Liam, but doesn't fire) LIAM: I thought you didn't like guns, Ryan. RYAN: (glances at the gun and tosses it aside) I do. MURDOC: Are you going to kill him or not? RYAN: I can't. SVEN: Why not? RYAN: He used to be my best friend, but he betrayed me. MURDOC: (glares and shoots Liam) Bastard. RYAN: (flatly) Thankyou Murdoc. MURDOC: He needed to die. Mungo can bring him back. CASSI: Mungo! MUNGO: Oh, is 'e dead now? CASSI: Murdoc shot him. MUNGO: (drags Liam away) J: I take it I'm needed when he gets brought back? SVEN: Yep. --10 MINUTES LATER-- LIAM: (enters) That was annoying. MURDOC: I could have done worse. RYAN: You're going to leave now, Liam, and you won't remember a thing. LIAM: You don't just forget that. J: Yes you do. --All remaining people on set except Laim put their shades on-- J: ("Flashy thing's" Liam, and removes his shades) You were not here. Ryan Gaerity is not alive, and you were not carried away by a cartoon snowman. It was all a dream...a nightmare, and you will tell no one that it happened. RYAN: And you're gonna tell your boss you're wanted by Interpol, and you're gonna tell 'im your real name. SVEN: (gives Ryan a brainduster) Don't you ever quit? J, get him out of here before Ryan tells him to do something else stupid. J: (exits with Liam) CASSI: Well, that was different. SVEN: I'll say. I expected Ryan to kill him. CASSI: Well, this is spoofset, home of the unexpected. RYAN: We'll be goin', Evilauthors. See you next spoof! (exits with Murdoc, Ardeth, and Imhotep) CASSI: I don't really trust those four together. SVEN: No, definitely not. CASSI: Even money says they're up to no good. SVEN: Probably. CARTER: Is that all we were needed for? Because if it is, we're gonna leave. SVEN: Go ahead, and remember, come back with a beard! CARTER: (rolls his eyes) Fine. --Medcrew exits-- SVEN: Time to end this. THE VERY REAL END!!!!! ***************************