"LORD OF THE RINGS: THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE SPOOF" By Sven (evilspoofauthor1) ---Parody of "Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring"--starring-who cares? Everyone knows what it is!-- ******************************************************************************** To give due credit, we've taken a few ideas from several lists regarding mistakes and bloopers. As there are too many for us to name them all, we apologize for not mentioning you. But if your work is mentioned here, thankyou. A lot of it, we got ideas, and took it a step farther, adding our own tidbits. Hope you enjoy. ******************************************************************************** DISCLAIMER: We own them all.....and if you believe that, you need therapy more than we do. Anyway, the characters belong to whomever does own them, including the ones that we ourselves own. If you wanna know who owns what, look in the other spoofs.. We're tired of having to do this every time. So in future reference, we will only tell where the original characters and the new ones are from. If you have no idea where the ones we've used ten thousand times before are from, you didn't read the other spoofs. Shame on you. Okay, out of fairness, we'll also mention the ones we have only used a couple times just to refresh memories. The others, you really should know by now. (All "Xanth" residents are the property of Mr. Piers Anthony.) Anyway, now that all this pointless nonsense is out of the way, I give you.... ******************************************************************************** THE CAST SHEET (*=Member of the Fellowship at least once in the spoof) *************************************************************** *FRODO BAGGINS..................................................Magneato "Baggless" **"Marble Brains"** Don't *GANDALF THE GREY...........................................Magneto "Erik Lensherr" **"Fathead"** Ask! *ARAGORN/STRIDER............................................Ardeth Bay *SAMWISE GAMGEE.............................................Ash Ketchum *PEREGRIN TOOK...................................................Wolvie "Wolvigrin Took" *MERIADOC BRANDYBUCK...............................Boyo "Boyodoc Brandybuck" *LEGOLAS GREENLEAF........................................Spike "Greenleaf" *BORIMIR.................................................................Angel *GIMLI.......................................................................Logan "Wolverine" *"SAM'S BODYGUARD".......................................Sara D. Raptor (evilauthors) *ISILDUR...................................................................Dr. John Carter ARWEN EVENSTAR...............................................Sarah Williams BILBO BAGGINS......................................................Charlie X "Bagless" ELROND HALFELVEN............................................Angelus (trust me, it works) GALADRIEL.............................................................Glorificus Mummy SARUMAN...............................................................Professor Charles Xavier CELEBORN................................................................Imhotep Mummy LURTZ "LURCH".....................................................The Scorpion King (duh) *GOLLUM/SMEAGOL............................................Pharaoh Nightcrawler I "Kurt Wagner" BARLIMAN BUTTERBUR.....................................Pouncival HALDIR.....................................................................Yakko Warner SAURON "THE EVIL BEADY EYE"......................Xander Harris ROSIE COTTON........................................................Misty GATE GUARD...........................................................Random Vampire *BILL THE PONY.....................................................Bill Spino (evilauthors) ARWEN'S HORSE....................................................Fiddles (Sven) CAVE TROLL............................................................Eatsalot (Sven) HOBBITS...................................................................Jellicles & X-Babies NAZGUL/RINGWRAITHS.....................................As themselves ORCS & GOBLINS...................................................Mummies, Vampires & real Orcs URUK-HAI................................................................The Army of Anubis (Mummy Returns) CROWS......................................................................Beedrills & Harpies (Pokemon & Xanth) KING OF EAGLES....................................................Pidgeot (Pokemon) BALROG....................................................................The Gap Dragon (Xanth) MOTH........................................................................Grundy in bird form (Xanth) ELVES.........................................................................Various people on set...+ the Warners and Vamps TOUR GUIDE............................................................Dot Warner PEANUT GALLERY ****************** Cassi, Asst Niles, Prince John, Robert Romano, Peter Benton, Abby Lockheart, Fran Fine, Maxwell Sheffield, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Meriadoc Brandybuck, Samwise Gamgee, Frodo Baggins, Gandalf the White, Arwen Evenstar, Elrond Halfelven, Sam Gerard, Cosmo Renfro, Anyanka, Darth Vader, Leia Solo, Han Solo, Luke Skywalker, Mara Skywalker, Jonathan Carnahan, Penny Carnahan, Rick O'Connell, Evelyn O'Connell, Alex O'Connell, Westly Price (Angel), Charles Gunn (Angel), Fred (Angel), Cordelia Chase, Willow Rosenberg, Daniel Osborne "Oz"(BtVS), Buffy Summers, Dawn Summers, Scott Summers, Jean Gray, Rupert Giles, Porthos, Aramis, Kristi "Domina", James Morgan, Jessie Musashi, Meowth, Pikachu, Togepei, The Colton Brothers (macGyver), Lando Calrissian, Murdoc, The X-Men, Dr. Doom, The Lone Gunmen, Angus MacGyver, Nikki Carpenter, Liam "James Dove" (Blown Away), Fox Mulder, Andrew & Jonathan (BtVS), Talon Karrde(Star Wars), Corsair, Hepzibah (Corsair's girlfriend), Ian Malcom, AlanGrant, Agent Jay (MIB), "Mad" Chris Knight (Real Genius), Sabretooth, Rachel Greene (ER), Tara Maclay (BtVS), Alex Cross (UC: Undercover), Jake Shaw (UC), Monica Davis (UC), Cody Forrester (UC), & Frank Donovan (UC), MAGICAL ************ Jareth, Stephan (Caillean Greywolf), Mr. Mistoffolees, Phantom (Cat by Sven), Gandalf and a lot more..... ANIMAL TRAINERS ********************** Wolfgirl & Animal Girl (Cassi & Sven) ADDED PEANUT GALLERY MEMBERS *********************************** Julian (Forbidden Game: By LJ Smith), Jenny Thornton (F.G.), Gollum, Bink (Xanth), King Trent (Xanth), Irene (Xanth), Chester (Xanth), Jumper (a really big spider from Xanth), Dylan Skyler (Author's friend), Grundy the Golem, Crombe in Griffon form (Xanth), Jonathan the Zombie Master (Xanth), Millie (Xanth), Lacuna (Xanth), Hiatus (Xanth), Bilbo Baggins,*Smash &*Tandy (Xanth) & Jay Jonah Jamison (Spiderman). SPECIAL APPEARENCES BY ************************* Jigglypuff, Calvin and Hobbes, Jawa Tourists, Abominable, and lots of surprises.... MED CREW ********** Mungojerrie, Rumpelteazer, Mark Greene, Elizabeth Corday-Greene, Susan Lewis, Dave Mallucci, Cleo Finch, Doug Ross, Carol Hathaway, Luka Kovac, Jing-Mei Chen, Sam Daniels, Major Salt, 7 of 9, Doctor Hologram, Kerry Weaver, & Jerry. BABYSITTERS (X-Men Evolution) ***************************** Kitty2, Kurt 2, Evan "Spyke", Lance "Avalanche", Todd "Toad", & Pietro "Quicksilver" ASSISTANTS TO THE AUTHOR **************************** Christian "Chris" Mason (Cassi), & Peregrin Took ASSISTANTS IN TRAINING ********************** Magicians Humfrey and Dor (Xanth) CAMERACAT: Bob, the Bobcat (Cassi) ***There, see how much easier that was? Had I listed where all of them came from, I'd still be typing it!** ********************************************************************************* BEFORE THE SPOOF ******************* --Author and Cassi arrive, talking. The rest of the cast and crew is already present-- CASSI: Are we late? SPIKE: Nah, we're early. AUTHOR: Well, there's a shocker. MAGNEATO: I'm the star. MAGNETO: You're not the only one. ARDETH: I'm playing the King. ARAGORN: (still on morphine from Jurassic Lost World, and doesn't pay attention) WOLVIE: Wahoooo!!! I got a big role! BOYO: So did I....again. ASH: Why am I a Hobbit? MISTY: Because you're the same size. ASH: So are you. AUTHOR: We know. ANGELUS: Why does Angel have a role, too? How are we doing this? CASSI: We'll let you know. Trust me, it'll work. **As we are not finished with the Vampire Mummy Returns, Angelus is still around** ANGELUS: Oookaaay. SPIKE: Am I playing Leggo!? LEGOLAS: (groans) It would be him, wouldn't it? AUTHOR: Alright, as Glory does the narration, I want the actors to act out the parts, kay? However, for the narration, they have to use the names in the movie. CARTER: I'm Ardeth's ancestor? AUTHOR: Yes. ARDETH: Interesting. GLORY: I'm an elf?! AUTHOR: Yes. IMHOTEP: The role suits you. PIPPIN: I'm an assistant, right? AUTHOR: Yes. CHRIS: When are we going to start? CASSI: Soon. Sven's been anxious to do this one. We've been to see it at the theater five times already, and we're planning to see it again. **We saw it a total of six times in the theater before we bought the video** LOGAN: Why am I the dwarf? I look nothing like him. CASSI: You're the smallest adult guy who also has an attitude similar to Gimli's. LOGAN: So I get to have fun? AUTHOR: Yes, and here's a nice adamantium axe for you! (hands it to him) LOGAN: (Looks it over) Very nice. FRODO: I don't believe you're doing this. AUTHOR: Well, I am, so shut up. Time to start! THE SPOOF BEGINS ******************* --A long long time ago, in a galaxy far far---oops, wrong spoof. Sorry.-- AUTHOR: Glory, narrate, and Gerard, you be Carter's father. ARDETH: Another relative? CARTER: At least I'm related to you. PIPPIN: Script! GLORY: (narrating) The world has changed. I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the air. Much that once was is lost, for none now live who remember it. It began with the forging of the Rings of Power. Three were given to the elves, wisest and fairest of all beings.... SAM: Well, they certainly weren't modest, were they? AUTHOR: Shhh! GLORY: (continues) Seven were given to the Dwarves, great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls. And nine. Nine rings were gifted to the race of men, who, above all else, desire power. CASSI: Ringwraiths. Such losers.....but I still like their boots...and those cloaks they wear. PIPPIN: (laughs) Definitely losers. GLORY: Quiet! I'm NARRATING! (continues) For within these rings, was bound the power and the will to rule each race. But they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made. Deep in the lands of Mordor, the Dark Lord, Sauron forged another ring...a master ring, and into this ring, he poured all his cruelty, his malice, and his will to dominate every living thing. "One Ring to rule them all." One by one, the free peoples of Middle Earth fell to the power of the Ring, but there were some who resisted. --An army of Elves and vampires march forward. Angelus is commanding it-- ANGELUS: (as an arrow whizzes by his head) Excuse me!! (yelling) EXCUSE ME!!! --Everyone turns to look at him-- ANGELUS: Why am I the only one not wearing a helmet? I mean can everyone just see the helmet I'm not wearing? CASSI: Well, The Rond wasn't wearing one. Ask him. **Get it? El Rond? The Rond? (waits a minute) Laugh or I'll have security bite your butt.** ANGELUS: Well, then El Rond was a moron. ELROND: (glares) I was NOT! CASSI: Then why weren't you wearing a helmet? You were in the middle of a battle. ELROND: None of your business. KRISTI: Moron. CASSI: (nods) ELROND: (glares again) CHRIS: Script! GLORY: A last Alliance of men and elves marched against the armies of Mordor, and on the very slopes of Mount Doom, they fought for the freedom of Middle Earth. Victory was near, but the power of the Ring could not be undone. --Xander appears dressed like Sauron. The cast laughs until he crushes a dozen vampires with each blow of his mace-- CARTER: Ehhh... GERARD: (drops his sword) Huh-uh. (leaves the set) GLORY: It was in this moment, when all hope had faded, that Isilder, son of the King, took up his father's sword. --Carter picks up the sword. Xander steps on it, breaking it, but Carter uses the broken part to cut off Xander's finger, as well as the Ring-- XANDER: (screams like a sissy girl) ARAGORN: (laughing) That kind of kills the scare factor a bit. --Xander disappears into a flash of light, (courtesy of Jareth), and everyone is knocked off their feet-- GLORY: And Sauron, enemy of the free peoples of Middle Earth, was defeated. The Ring passed to Isilder, who had this one chance to destroy evil forever, but the hearts of men are easily corrupted, and the Ring of Power has a will of its own. It betrayed Isilder to his death. CARTER: Not a chance. (tosses the Ring into the river before the Orcs can shoot at him) GLORY: And some things that should not have been forgotten, were lost. History became legend. Legend became myth. For two and a half thousand years, the Ring passed out of all knowledge. Until, when chance came, the Ring ensnared another bearer. WAGNER: (finds the Ring in the water) My Precious, my own. FRODO: He's good. SAM: (shudders) Too good. VOICE FROM BACKSTAGE: Precious!!! FRODO: Good sound effects. **as of now, they don't believe we have the real one...gullible, aren't they?* AUTHOR & CASSI: (exchange worried looks) GLORY: (voice over) Would you Hobbits shut up!? I'm NARRATING! **that one would have been cute in the real movie** CASSI: (laughing) GLORY: (continuing) The Ring came to the creature, Gollum, who took it deep into the tunnels of the Misty Mountains, and there, it consumed him. WAGNER: It came to me....my own...my Precious... GLORY: The Ring gave to Gollum unnatural long life. For five hundred years, it poisoned his mind, and in the gloom of Gollum's cave, it waited. Darkness crept back into the forests of the world. Rumor grew of a shadow in the East. Whispers of a nameless fear, and the Ring of Power perceived that its time had come. It abandoned Gollum, but then, something happened that the Ring did not intend. It was picked up by the most unlikely creature. A Hobbit. Bilbo Baggins of the Shire. CHARLIE X: (finds the Ring in the dirt) What's this? A Ring. WAGNER: (yelling) Lost! My Precious is LOST! GLORY: (pauses) Is this right? AUTHOR: Yes, read what I wrote in. GLORY: (continues) And then the Ring was passed on to Frodo, who, with eight others, set out to destroy it. The Ring was taken deep into Mordor, and just as everything would have been lost, the Creature, Gollum, bit the finger and Ring from Frodo's hand, and then Gollum, in his joy of having the Ring, slipped off the edge and fell into the fires below, and the Ring was destroyed.....(long pause) NOT!! AUTHOR: (grins) Now here's what REALLY happened! (reads) "As Gollum plunged toward his death, there was a loud Bamf, followed by another bamf, and Gollum and the Ring left Middle Earth. The Ring itself, passed on to Pharaoh Nightcrawler I, who, after leading the Ringwraiths back to Mordor, passed it on to Charlie X. For the time will soon come when X-Babies will shape the fortunes of all." CASSI: God help us. FRODO: She's not serious! GANDALF: They can't have the Ring. It was destroyed, as was Sauron. PIPPIN: That's what you think. AUTHOR: Alright. We begin a spoof after the above events happened....in case you're wondering, Wagner has had the Ring since the last spoof. --Magneato is sitting under a tree, coloring in a color book, when he is hit on the head with an apple.-- MAGNEATO: (panicked) The sky is falling! The sky is falling!!! CASSI: Don't be silly. The sky can't fall. MAGNEATO: (still panicked) The Earth is rising! The Earth is rising!!! AUTHOR: (groans) MAGNETO: Do I have to sing? XAVIER: Why am I Saruman? AUTHOR: Quiet, and script! (pause) And where did that apple come from? ARDETH: (sheepish) I was practicing for later. PIPPIN: (growls) Don't remind me. CHRIS: Script. --Magneto is heard singing, as he approaches. Magneato runs to meet him. His coloring book has magically vanished. We have no idea where it went, or how it disappeared. All we know is that it is no longer there.-- MAGNEATO: You're late. MAGNETO: A wizard is never late, Magneato Bagless....nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to. MAGNEATO: You seem pretty late to me. FRODO: Most definitely. AUTHOR: Quiet, Fra-doo! --Both Magneato and Magneto **geez, is this confusing or what?** try to keep a straight face and fail. Magneato jumps into the wagon and hugs Magneto.-- MAGNEATO: It's wonderful to see you again, Big me! MAGNETO: You didn't think I'd miss your Uncle Charlie X's birthday, did you? MAGNEATO: I don't know. I wish I could. AUTHOR: Ahem. MAGNEATO: But I hate him! He's my enemy! FRODO: Interesting casting job. AUTHOR: Didn't I tell you to be quiet? CHRIS: Yes you did. PIPPIN: What should we do if he has to be told again? CASSI: You could always give him to Abominable. CHRIS: Nah, we can just give him to a bunch of Elijah Wood's fangirls. **How many volunteers do we have?** CASSI: Wow, a threat worse than Abominable. **By the way, Orlando Bloom fans? We have a bunch of you attacking Legolas in the Forbidden Game spoof! Will be listed under "Books/LJ Smith" if we stay on this sight that long. Legolas is in the star role** FRODO: I'll be quiet. AUTHOR: Good, now SCRIPT! MAGNEATO: What's new in the world? Tell me everything. MAGNETO: Haven't we grown curious? Most unusual for an X-Baby--wait, aren't X-babies always curious? AUTHOR: Well, yeah, but Hobbits aren't, and they're playing Hobbits, so get on with it. MERRY: A question. We're in the Shire. What did you do with the Hobbits? CHRIS: We evicted them. MERRY: Oh... PIPPIN: Script! MAGNETO: What can I tell you? Life in the wide world goes on, much as it always has this past age, full of its own comings and goings, scarcely aware of the existence of X-Babies....for which I am very grateful. LOGAN: You ain't the only one. WOLVIE: (sticks his tongue out) Stupid gorilla. --They pass a large field where tents and a big banner are being set up-- MAGNETO: Ah, the long expected party. How is the old rascal? I understand this is to be a party of special magnificence. MAGNEATO: I don't care how he is! He's Charlie X, and I don't care what happens to him! AUTHOR: (sighs) MAGNEATO: Alright, I'll be civil. You know Charlie. He has the whole place in an uproar. MAGNETO: Well, that should please him. MAGNEATO: Half the Shire has been invited. He's up to something. MAGNETO: Indeed? MAGNEATO: Fine, be that way. I'll just go eat worms. WOLVIE: No fair. If he gets to eat worms, I wanna eat worms TOO! BOYO: Me TOO! Not fair! CASSI: (laughs) Sorry, but I can't imagine Merry, Pippin and Frodo saying that. PIPPIN: (makes a face) Yuck... MISTY: All we need now is for Ash to say it too. ASH: I don't eat worms. CASSI: No, but you eat everything else! AUTHOR: (trying not to laugh) Script! MAGNEATO: (sighs) Alright, keep your secrets. Before you came along, we Bag--Bagless's were well thought of. CASSI: (laughs) This is great. FRODO: (glaring) MAGNEATO: Never had any adventures or did anything unexpected. MAGNETO: If you're referring to that incident with the dragon, I was barely involved. I only gave your uncle a little nudge out the door. MAGNEATO: What dragon? CYKE: Ith he talking about the inthedent with Funboy and the Blackbird? He'th a dragon. CASSI: Right. Big black dragon. ASH: Big deal. I've got Charizard. AUTHOR: Who had better stay in the Pokeball. I'd better not see any Pokemon except in the Peanut Gallery. CASSI: Yeah, there wasn't any Pokemon in the fellowship. GANDALF: Which we are very grateful for. PIKACHU: Pika CHU! CASSI: Ooh, that was a bad word. AUTHOR: Script. MAGNEATO: Whatever you did, you have been officially labeled a disturber of the peace. --Skimbleshanks glares at him from a side of the road. A group of X-Babies and Lost Boys see Magneto and come running.-- POCKETS: Erik! Erik! TOO SMALL: Fireworks!!! SUGAH: Mags! Fireworks! --Magneto grins and sets off a butterfly firework for them. Skimble smiles until Jellylorum glares at him-- MAGNEATO: Big me, I'm glad you're back. (jumps off the wagon and hurries away) MAGNETO: So am I, dear boy. So am I. --Magneto stops his wagon in front of Bag End, passes a sign reading "Insane X-Baby lives here: Keep out." and knocks on the door with his staff. A disgruntled voice comes from within.-- CHARLIE X: Go away! I'm not interested in anything you're selling! CASSI: Must get a lot of door-to-door sale's people, here. AUTHOR: Charlie, get it right! CHARLIE X: No thank you! We don't want any more well wishers, visitors, or distant relations! MAGNETO: How about very old friends? CHARLIE X: You ain't a friend! MAGNETO: Just open the door! CHARLIE X: NO!! I don't like you! AUTHOR: (bangs her head into the wall) CASSI: That's bad......she's banging her head already. SPIKE: (to Charlie X) You might want to open the door. CHARLIE X: NO! SPIKE: Stupid bint! AUTHOR: (yelling) SCRIPT!! CHARLIE X: (opens the door) Big Magnet. (glares) MAGNETO: (dryly) Charlie X. CHARLIE X: Do I have to let him in? AUTHOR: It's not even your house. So yes, you do. CHARLIE X: (does the "Wolvie pout") MAGNETO: He isn't 111 years old. AUTHOR: Pretend! MAGNETO: One hundred and eleven years old! Who would believe it? You haven't aged a day. CYKE: Xth-babiths don't age. PIPPIN: Quiet! CHARLIE X: Come in, come in, even if you aren't welcome. Would you like some tea? Maybe I'll put some rat poison in it. AUTHOR: I'd hate to have to send you off with Abominable this early in the spoof. CHARLIE X: Right, my mistake. Or perhaps something stronger. I still have some of the old wineyards left. 1296, a good year! Almost as old as I am! My father put it down....(pause) I had a father? AUTHOR: Bunny? CHARLIE X: What do you say we open one? --Charlie X puts Magneto's hat and staff away.-- CASSI: It's amazing what the threat of Abominable does to people. MAGNETO: Just tea, thank-you. Without the rat poison, it might upset my stomach. --Magneto starts to turn and bangs into the chandelier; he steadies it, then turns and hits his head on the beam when he turns around.-- SPIKE: Duck! MAGNETO: (glares) CHARLIE X: I was expecting you last week, but you come and go as you please..... --Charlie gathers food while, Magneto looks at the maps spread out on Charlie's table.-- CHARLIE X: I can make you some eggs if you like.... --Charlie comes into the room, but Magneto isn't there.-- MAGNETO: (appears behind him) Just tea. CHARLIE X: (screams, startled) Don't sneak up on me like that! GANDALF: (laughs) I'm actually enjoying this! FRODO & SAM: (stare at Gandalf like he has gone insane) SAM: Pippin must have done something to your head with all that magic he was working on you. GANDALF: Nonsense. I'm just having fun. CASSI: Well there's a real surprise. We corrupted Gandalf, before Frodo and Sam.... AUTHOR: Corrupted yes, cracked no. But then look at Aragorn. --All Cast and Peanut Gallery stare at Aragorn who is of course, still high on morphine from "Jurassic Spoof: The Lost Wolrd." Aragorn smiles, waves and then resumes singing.-- AUTHOR: He's been corrupted and cracked, since he arrived. Now back to the script. CHARLIE X: Yes, right. You don't mind if I do? (Charlie is already eating) MAGNETO: Oh, no, not at all. SPIKE: All them rat's do is eat. MERRY: We do other things. SPIKE: Like what? SAM: They steal. (points at Merry & Pippin) MERRY & PIPPIN: (grin and take bows) BUFFY: They may be thieves, but they are also funny. CHRIS: SCRIPT!! --Someone knocks loudly on the door.-- JENNYANYDOTS: Charlie? Charlie X Bagless? CHARLIE X: (jumps startled) I'm not at home! I need to get away from these confounded Jellicles, hanging on the bell all day, never giving me a moments rest. I want to see mountains again, Mags, mountains! CASSI: I have postcards and photographs of mountains. CHARLIE X: (ignores Cassi) And then find someplace quiet where I can finish my book. (pause) Oh right, the tea. RUFIO: Something tells me this "Bilbo"guy wasn't the smartest guy on the block. FRODO: HEY! That's my uncle you're talking about! CASSI: Quiet, Mr. Bagless. FRODO: (glares) SAM: Ignore them Mr. Frodo. MAGNETO: (to Charlie X) You mean to go through with your plan, then? CHARLIE X: Yes, everything's in hand. The arrangements have all been made. MAGNETO: Magneato suspects. CHARLIE X: Of course he suspects. He's a Bagless-- SAM: That's Baggins. CHARLIE X: Whatever. (continues) not some blockheaded Brace...um...Brace-girl from Hard-Bottle. ***You will find that we've managed to butcher almost every name in this story. What can we say? We're really creative.*** CASSI: I hope he's not a girl. MAGNETO: You will tell him, won't you? CASSI: What? That he's not a girl? I should hope he already knows that. ARAGORN: (laughing) Wheee!!! (swings his sword around) CHARLIE X: Yes, yes. MAGNETO: He's very fond of you, you know. CHARLIE X: He hates my guts. ARAGORN: Guts...(laughs) All over....(laughing more) ARWEN: (moves away from him) ELROND: Is he going to be alright? AUTHOR: Consider yourself lucky. There's only one on morphine on this set. A few spoofs back, we had Carter and Ardeth both on it. **Apparently this was before Langly and Ralph were discovered to bo on it** ARDETH & CARTER: (wave at the camera) CHRIS: Charlie X, get it right. PIPPIN: Or you'll be crispy. (waves the flamethrower) CASSI: Who gave that to HIM!? CHRIS: I did. Nobody was listening to him. PIPPIN: (grins like a maniac) MERRY: Uh, that may be a bad idea. PIPPIN: Script! Now! CHARLIE X: He'd probably come with me if I asked him to, but I think, in his heart, Magneato is still in love with the Shire. The woods, the fields....little rivers... MAGNEATO: Yeah, all the nice places to hide the dead bo-- AUTHOR: Ahem. CASSI: Morbid little things, aren't they? CHARLIE X: I'm old, Erik. I know I don't look it, but I begin to feel it in my heart. I feel thin...like butter scraped over too much bread. WOLVIE: You don't look that old at all. Amazing. AUTHOR: Wolvie, you're not in this scene. CASSI: Yeah, Sven has it memorized when you come in. WOLVIE: Why? CASSI: Duh. You're playing Pippin...the favorite. WOLVIE: Oh right. I remember. PIPPIN: Script! CHARLIE X: I need a holiday...a very long holiday. And I don't expect I shall return. In fact, I mean not to. MAGNEATO: Don't let the door hit you on the way out. CHRIS: End scene. Cut and print it! Not bad! AUTHOR: It could use some work, but yeah, not bad. LANGLY: Well, the fact that your Bilbo hates your Gandalf, and your Frodo could be part of the problem... CASSI: Nah, couldn't be. AUTHOR: I like how I casted it. Now next scene. BAG END/ THE ROOF *********************** --Charlie X is blowing bubbles through a bubble pipe, while Magneto smokes a real pipe-- CHARLIE X: Old Toby. Finest weed in the Southfarthing --All on set from anytime after the 1960's, laughs incoherently-- SPIKE: Weed? (laughs more) CASSI: That's what I said! PIPPIN: (confused) Pipe weed. AUTHOR: It's tobacco. SPIKE: I know. Because they called my smokes "pipeweed sticks". It's just how it sounds. CHRIS: Okay, fun's over. Back to the spoof. CHARLIE X: (blows bubbles) MAGNETO: (blows a ship, which sails off) SPIKE: How'd he do that? AUTHOR: (shrugs) I don't smoke. How would I know? CASSI: Not a clue. CHARLIE X: Erik, my old friend, this will be a night to remember. AUTHOR: More than you know. MAGNETO: Now, I'm worried. AUTHOR: (grins evilly) PIPPIN: Alright, scene change! THE SHIRE/ PARTY FIELD ************************** --Magneto sets off fireworks, a tree.....a fountain that becomes jet planes....-- CASSI: Briliant fireworks for people with no electricity. Where do we buy them? GANDALF: I can get you some for a very good price. CASSI: Really? AUTHOR: No, Cassi. CASSI: (does the Wolvie pout) **Yes Cassi is a pyro. Anyone who has seen her at fourth of July or New Years would know what this means** AUTHOR: (looks around) Where'd Pippin go? CASSI: (shrugs and mutters something) CHRIS: He's probably getting food. He'll be back. Script now. --Magneato sits down next to Ash, who has been watching Misty-- ASH: I have not! CASSI: Yes, you have. We all saw you. ASH: (turns red) MAGNEATO: Go on, Ash. Ask Misty for a dance. ASH: (shakes his head) I think I'll just have another root beer. ROMANO: Root beer? CASSI: You didn't think we'd give them alcohol, did you? They're bad enough SOBER! I really don't wanna see them drunk. MAGNEATO: Oh no you don't. --He pushes Ash into Misty. Ash collides with her, knocking her over, thus causing a large X-Baby, Jellicle, Lost Boy pile up, as the dancers trip over each other-- MAGNEATO: (walks away, whistling with his hands in his pockets) MISTY: (after freeing herself from the pile--starts beating up Ash) CHARLIE X: I don't want to tell stories. AUTHOR: Just read the script. CHARLIE X: Fine...(to several small Lost Boys) So there I was, at the mercy of three monestrous trolls, and they were arguing about how to cook us! Whether it be turned on a spit, or if they should sit on us one by one, and squash us into jelly. They spent so much time arguing the 'whitherto's and 'whyfor's, that the first light of the sun crept up over the tops of the trees and turned them all to stone. SPIKE: Trolls must not be very smart buggers. FRODO: They're not. --Magneto sets off a butterflies firework, which the smaller Lost Boys run after, trying to catch, then Magneto returns to his wagon for more fireworks. When he leaves the wagon, Boyo walks by, casually, then he bangs his hand against a tent, and Wolvie, Merry, and Pippin come out. Merry and Pippin give Wolvie a boost into the wagon, where he roots around, and comes up with a firework-- BOYO: Not that one! The big one! BIG ONE! WOLVIE: (grabs the largest firework he can find, which is bright red and huge) DOT: (walks by with a group of Jawas) And this is two X-Babies and two Hobbits stealing fireworks. JAWA: (gets Dot to take a picture of him with Merry and Pippin) CASSI: Knew she'd be here sooner or later. --Dot and the Jawas walk away--Merry, Pippin, and Wolvie hurry into the tent. Boyo looks around cautiously, takes a bite from an apple, tosses it aside, and hurries into the tent-- MERRY: This time, we do this right. WOLVIE: (lights it) MERRY: No! WOLVIE: There! BOYO: You're supposed to stick it in the ground! WOLVIE: It IS in the ground! BOYO: Outside! WOLVIE: This was your idea. (points at Merry and Pippin) --The firework goes off, taking the roof of the tent with it, and leaving Boyo, Merry, Wolvie AND Pippin flat on the ground, covered in soot-- SPIKE: Yum, charred Hobbit and X-Baby. --The firework goes straight up, becomes a dragon's head, turns around, sprouts wings, and flies in low over the crowd. The X-Babies, Lost Boys, and Jellicles stare at it, gleefully-- POUNCE: Big boingy. AUTHOR: Pounce, get out of here. You don't come in till we get to Bree. MAGNEATO: Cool firework. CASSI: Kinda makes Frodo look stupid, don't it? HAN: Yeah, he reminds me of Luke. LUKE & FRODO: Hey! --The dragon dissolves into a spectacular shower of sparks. Merry and Pippin exchange a glance, then exit quickly. Boyo and Wolvie stay to observe the results, and appear to be pleased-- BOYO: That was great. WOLVIE: Let's get another one. MAGNETO: (comes up behind them, and grabs them by their ears) Boyodoc Brandybuck, and Wolviegrin Took. I might have known. WOLVIE: It wasn't MY fault! BOYO: It was Merry and Pippin's idea. CASSI: Who's idea was it to set it off inside the tent? WOLVIE: Uh.....it was in the script. --Boyo and Wolvie end up washing dishes-- CYKE: Umm....where'th Phyro? PHYRO: (suddenly lights himself on fire and jumps into the wagon) Burn baby BURN!!!! --There is a loud explosion of fireworks and everyone ducks-- AUTHOR & CASSI: (grin widely) CHRIS: Who's idea was it to let that pyromaniac near the fireworks? AUTHOR: Um...next scene! --After the mess from the fireworks is cleaned up....Phyro is now helping Wolvie and Boyo wash the dishes. Charlie X goes over to a barrel and stands on it.--Dot walks through with her tour group again-- DOT: And here we have a typical Hobbit birthday party. What's so different about a Hobbit party? Well, Hobbits give other people presents on their birthdays. --Pippin walks in, still charred, I might add, and gives each of the Jawas a present.--A Jawa wearing a T shirt that reads "I *heart* the Shire" gets his picture taken with Charlie X--After the group exits, Pippin takes his seat next to Sven-- CROWD: Speech! Speech! CHARLIE X: My dear Baglesses and Buffoons, Tooks (pronounced like 'cook') and Brandybucks, Grubbs, Chrubbs, Horn Blowers, Boulders, Brace Girls, and Proud Foots! CASSI: (incoherent laughter) PIPPIN: (also laughing) ARAGORN: Buffoons....(hysterical laughter) FRODO: (between laughs) Okay, THAT was funny. SAM: How can you laugh!? The'yre making FUN of us! FRODO: (still laughing) Shut up, Sam. CHARLIE X: That was fun. (grins) AUTHOR: You keep this up, and you will definitely get an Oscar. CHARLIE X: Today is my 111th birthday! Don't I look old? Anyways, alas, eleventy one years is much too short a time to live among such excellent and admirable X-Babies! I don't know half of you half as much as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve. SPIKE: Huh? BUFFY: He lost me. WOLVIE: Was that an insult or a compliment? CASSI: I think it was both. CHARLIE X: (reaches into his pocket and pulls the ring out, hiding it behind his back) I have things to do. I've put this off for far too long. I regret to announce this is the end. I'm going now. I bid you all a very fond farewell. Goodbye. --Charlie X puts the ring on and vanishes, to the astonishment of everyone except a few. Footsteps are heard up the path of Bag End. The door opens and Charlie X appears, taking off the Ring. He tosses it into the air and catches it, then puts it in his pocket. He then chooses a staff from beside the door-- MAGNETO: (appears almost out of nowhere) I suppose you thought that was terribly clever? CHARLIE X: (screams, terrified) STOP THAT! You CAN'T sneak up on people like that! GANDALF: Note to self. Stop sneaking up on people. PIPPIN: That would be a first. CHRIS: Back to the script. CHARLIE X: It was just a bit of fun. Oh, I suppose you're right, as usual. (he gathers some things to take with him) Not that I care, but you will keep an eye on Magneato, won't you? MAGNETO: Two eyes....as often as I can spare them. CHARLIE X: I'm leaving everything to him....though why I would do that, is beyond me. ELROND: This isn't how it went for real, is it? GANDALF: They're changing a few things. PIPPIN: Quiet! (waves his flamethrower, threateningly) MAGNETO: And this ring of yours....is that staying too? CHARLIE X: Yes, it's in an envelope on the mantel. MAGNETO: (looks on the mantel) CHARLIE X: (in an odd tone) Wait...no...it's in my pocket. Isn't that odd now? BUFFY: Not really, since you just put it there. CHARLIE X: (seems to have not heard Buffy) Yet, why not? Why shouldn't I keep it? MAGNETO: I think you should leave the ring behind. Is that so hard? CHARLIE X: Well....no.....and yes. (gets angry) Now it comes to it! I don't feel like parting with it! I found it! It came to ME! MAGNETO: There's no need to get angry. CHARLIE X: And if I'm angry, it's YOUR fault! It's mine...(sounding like Gollum) My own....my precious... FRODO: That's a good acting job. GANDALF: (is looking more worried) MAGNETO: Precious? It's been called that before, but not by you. CHARLIE X: What business is it of yours what I do with my own things? MAGNETO: I think you've had that ring for long enough. CHARLIE X: You want it for yourself! --The shadows draw around Magneto, revealing his normally hidden power....that we were so kind enough to provide him with...hehehe-- MAGNETO: Do not take me for some conjuror of cheap tricks!! I'm NOT trying to rob you! --The shadow retreats, and Magneto is himself again-- MAGNETO: I'm trying to help you. CHARLIE X: (starts crying) You big BULLY! AUTHOR: (groans) PIPPIN: Script! CHARLIE X: I'm not gonna hug him! He tried to steal my RING! AUTHOR: Charlie, the Ring has to go to Magneato. CHARLIE X: NO! I wanna KEEP it! It's MINE, ALL MINE!!! AUTHOR: (looks at Pippin) Go get it. If he won't hand it over, turn him into a bug or something. PIPPIN: (shakes his head) Huh-uh! I'm not going near that thing! SAM: It's not like it's the real thing, Pippin. **ignorant, ain't he?** AUTHOR: Pippin, you'll be fine. --Pippin gives an uncertain look and heads toward Charlie X, who backs away, terrified-- CHARLIE X: You're right, the Ring must go to Magneato. PIPPIN: (breaths a sigh of relief and returns to his seat) CHARLIE X: It's late, and the road is long. Yes, it is time. (he gathers his pack, and heads out the door) MAGNETO: (stops him on the doorstep) Charlie, the Ring is still in your pocket. CHARLIE X: Oh yes....so it is. --Charlie X takes the Ring, holds it in his palm, and, with great effort, turns his hand until the Ring slips off. It drops to the floor and rolls across the room and under a fridge that wasn't there before...yes, this came from a list....we loved it!-- MAGNETO: (swears) AUTHOR: We'll get it out in a minute. CHARLIE X: (walks out and takes a deep breath) I've thought up an ending for my book. "And he lived happily ever after, to the end of his days." SPIKE: Like we haven't heard that one before? MAGNETO: I'm sure you will, old friend. CHARLIE X: Goodbye, Erik. --They shake hands and Charlie walks off down the road, singing to himself-- ARAGORN: (starts singing again) LEGOLAS: (moves away from him) He's offkey. CASSI: (makes a face) I can tell. MAGNETO: (quietly) Until our next meeting. AUTHOR: Go back inside. MAGNETO: I can get that Ring out. (starts to use his magnetic powers to pull the Ring out...but he stops suddenly and yells) SPIKE: What is it? MAGNETO: I saw the Evil Beady Eye of Xander. ALL: (laughing) SPIKE: That sounds really stupid, you know. AUTHOR: Just let Magneato get the Ring when he gets in. Magneto, go smoke by the fire and mutter to yourself. MAGNETO: (does as he is told) Riddles in the dark.....Precious.... MAGNEATO: Is he gone? (enters and looks for the Ring....of course, since it's under the fridge, he doesn't find it....go figure) Hey!!! He didn't KEEP it, did he? AUTHOR: Under the fridge. MAGNEATO: Huh? Where did the fridge come from? CASSI: We haven't figured that one out yet. When we do, we'll let you know. MAGNEATO: (uses his magnetic power to get the Ring out, then walks over to Magneto) Is he gone yet? He always talked about it, but I never could get rid of him. MAGNETO: (looks at the X-Baby's hand) Charlie's ring. He's gone to stay with the Elvis. He's left you Bag End, along with all his possessions. The Ring is yours, now. ANGELUS: Did he just say Elvis? PIPPIN: That's what we're calling the Elves. Author's idea. ELROND: You're calling us WHAT?! CARTER: Did we give you guys your shots? ARWEN: What's a shot? --Betsy comes running in and jumps on Elrond's shoulder to give him a big kiss.-- DR SAM: The monkey has a disease that kills humans and animals in 46 hours. ROMANO: We aren't sure if it will kill Elves, but if you'd like to wait and find out, we can skip the shot. ARWEN: I'll take the shot. ELROND: Yes, that sounds like a good idea. CASSI: Oh darn, we'll never know. CHRIS: Hey Dr. Dave! Get out here with the Motaba vaccines! DAVE: (comes out and gives Elrond and Arwen their shots, then returns to medlab) AUTHOR: Now back to the spoof. --Magneto holds out an envelope, and Magneato slips the Ring inside. Magneto seals it and hands the envelope to Magneato....who's confused? This name thing is enough to drive anyone insane.-- MAGNEATO: Gee, just what I always wanted....an envelope. MAGNETO: Put it out of sight. (he stands, grabs his things and heads for the door) MAGNEATO: Where are you going? MAGNETO: There are things I need to see to. MAGNEATO: (starts crying) But I don't WANNA be left alone! What if a big monster comes out and eats me!? SPIKE: Somehow I can't imagine ol' Fra-doo over there, doing that. LEGOLAS: Probably because Frodo is an adult, and Magneato is a baby. WOLVIE: Mags is a crybaby!!! MAGNEATO: I am NOT! WOLVIE: Are TOO! KRISTI: D2! R2D2: (beeps a "What do you want?") LUKE: They don't want anything. They're just fighting. PIPPIN: Magneato, get it right! Frodo doesn't like you making him look like a baby! MAGNEATO: (flips Frodo off) Stupid Peck. FRODO: (glares) CHRIS: Do I have to fry someone? PIPPIN: (excited) No! Let me!!! I wanna fry someone! ROMANO: He fits in great as an Assistant. AUTHOR: Fry people later. Script now. MAGNEATO: What things, Big Me? MAGNETO: Questions....questions that need to be answered. MAGNEATO: But you've only just arrived! I don't understand! MAGNETO: Neither do I. I'm just following the script. (puts a hand on Magneato's shoulder) Keep it secret...Keep it safe. (leaves) DAWN: At least we have an explanation as to why he left without the wagon. CASSI: Yeah, but not in the movie, they don't. AUTHOR: They do that in movies. Next scene! --Magneto arrives at the White City, and sees fire over the mountains--Barad-Dur is rebuilt and we see a Ringwraith reading a letter with the Spoofauthor seal on it...**Yes, I mailed them a letter....how ELSE are we going to get the Ringwraiths back?**Anyhow, the nine Nazguls ride out the gate...and now back to Magneto, who is in the library of the White City. He finds a manuscript of Isilder's tale....or, in the spoofs, Carter.-- MAGNETO: The year 3434 of the Second Age. Here follows the account of Carter, High King of Gondor. DAVE: Now he's a King? BENTON: As if he wasn't rich enough. ROMANO: Hey! Stop talking about my little buddy. BENTON: WHAT?! Since when!? CASSI: Since Peregrin, dummy. AUTHOR: Script! MAGNETO: (continues)...and the finding of the Ring of Power. (reading) "The Ring has come to me. It will be an heirloom of my Kingdom. All those who follow in my bloodline will be bound to its fate, for I will risk no hurt to the Ring. It is precious to me, though I buy it with great pain. The markings on the band fade, the writing that was once as bright as red flame has all but disappeared, A secret now, that only fire can tell..." AUTHOR: Right, we go to Asparagus. ASPARAGUS: (now the size of a Hobbit, is outside his home, chopping wood--is startled by a black rider) WRAITH: Shire....Bagginsssss..... ASPARAGUS: Do you need some throat lozenges or something? I can get you a drink of water.. --The Wraith is now confused at the Jellicle's words. Obviously, no one has ever been polite to it before. It stares blankly at him, unsure of what to say-- MERRY: He made a RINGWRAITH speechless?! CASSI: There's a new one. WRAITH: (finally making up its mind) No, thankyou. Just point me on my way and you shall be left alone. ASPARAGUS: Alright, just head straight toward Hobbitton. (points) You have a safe trip, and try not to stay in the cold too long. You don't wanna make that throat any worse. WRAITH: (rides off, completely perplexed) FRODO: Well, that was different. HOBBITTON/THE SHIRE ********************** --Magneato returns home from playing. As he enters Bag End, he passes under a blinking neon sign that reads, "See the One Ring--admission: $5.00.....Touch the One Ring--$10.00"-- He enters the house, and we see the windows are open, and all is dark-- MAGNETO: (grabs his shoulder from behind) MAGNEATO: (screams) DON'T DO THAT!!!! --A knock sounds on the front door before Magneto has a chance to speak. Magneato answers it. Dot comes in with her tour group. Each pays five dollars. Magneato pulls the Ring from his pocket, and shows it to them-- DOT: And here we have the One Ring. Forged by the Dark Lord in Mount Doom. JAWAS: Diiiink... DOT: Soon, this young X-Baby will be going on a Quest to destroy the Ring....so take pictures while you can! JAWA: (walks over to Magneato and puts his arm around him, while another Jawa takes their picture) GANDALF: (groans) ELROND: Such a well kept secret. (rolls his eyes) It's a very good thing the real one was destroyed. PIPPIN: (mutters under his breath) That's what YOU think. --Dot and the Jawas exit, and Magneto walks over to Magneato, who's putting the Ring back into its envelope-- MAGNETO: I guess it's pretty pointless to ask if it's secret and safe. CASSI: I think that's a no-brainer. SAM: (sarcastic) Oh yeah, it's a real secret. CHRIS: Back to the script. --Magneato hands the envelope to Magneto, who throws it in the fire-- MAGNEATO: Hey! Don't burn my Ring! It's made me a lot of money! SPIKE: So we noticed. --The envelope burns away, revealing the Ring. Magneto retrieves it with a pair of tongs. Gandalf, Frodo, Sam, Elrond, and Arwen are on the edge of their seats, as they know that this will be the proof that we do indeed have the real Ring....can you believe they need PROOF!? And here we were all thinking the explanation of how we got it was proof enough....morons.-- MAGNETO: Hold out your hand, Little me. It's quite cool. (drops the Ring into Magneato's hand and turns away) What can you see? Can you see anything? MAGNEATO: Nothing....except a Ring. ALL MORONS WHO STILL DON'T BELIEVE WE HAVE THE REAL ONE: (breath a sigh of relief) MAGNEATO: Wait. (markings appear on the Ring) There are markings....HEY! Who wrote on my Ring!? It looks like Elvis, but I can't read it. FRODO: (pales and faints) ELROND: (groans) GANDALF: (bangs his head against his staff) PIPPIN: Told ya so. ELROND: Do you realize what you have DONE?! AUTHOR: Ah, shut up. We tied the Ring into Xander. It won't bring Sauron back...stop panicking! ELROND: You may have doomed us all! The Naz-gul still ride! CASSI: Da-uh! Like we don't know!? Elvis Pharaoh bamfed them clear back to Mordor in the last spoof! CHRIS: Yeah, no kidding. And right now, we'd like to get out of the Shire sometime soon...like before the Wraiths get here. MAGNETO: (to Magneato) There are few who can. The language is that of Mordor, which I will not utter here. MAGNEATO: Mordor? WILLOW: The land of Xander....the Evil Lord. DAWN: That sounds so stupid. BUFFY: I'll agree to that. XANDER: Hey! (sees the Ring) That's mine! GIVE! AUTHOR: Am-scray, Evil Lord. You ain't in this scene. XANDER: (stomps off, sulking) MAGNETO: In the common tongue, it reads, "On Ring to rule them all. One Ring to find them. One Ring to bring them all...and, in the darkness, bind them." MAGNEATO: Gee, I wonder what I could make if I sold it! AUTHOR: No. MAGNEATO: But-- AUTHOR: No. GANDALF: So the gray-skinned alien backstage...that would be Gollum? CASSI: He ain't backstage anymore. He escaped at the end of Peregrin. LEGOLAS: You mean he's been free all this time?! PIPPIN: Ehh...yup. LEGOLAS: (flatly) And of course you knew this.... PIPPIN: Yes...I knew about the Ring, too. AUTHOR: Back to the script. They're seated at the table with the One Ring in the middle of the table.... MAGNETO: This is the One Ring...forged by Xander in the fires of Mount Doom. Carter took it from the hand of Xander himself-- XANDER: And that HURT!!!! CARTER: (sticks his tongue out) CASSI: Oh real nice...where was that in the movie? AUTHOR: Oh yeah..."Isilder sticks his tongue out at Sauron, who screamed like a girl when he cut the Ring off." **What would you have paid to see that?^_^** CHRIS: We need to continue. Xander, get back to your castle. MAGNEATO: Charlie X found it in Pharaoh Nightcrawler's cave. MERRY: I don't remember Gollum being a Pharaoh. CASSI: That would be because he wasn't. AUTHOR: Script!! NOW! MAGNETO: Charlie X didn't have it for 60 years. WAGNER: I didn't have it for zhat long, eizher. AUTHOR: Skip the dates. MAGNETO: It lay quiet in Charlie X's keeping, prolonging his life, delaying old age....but no more. There is evil stirring in Mordor. The Ring has awoken. It's heard its Master's call. MAGNEATO: But he was destroyed....Xander was destroyed. --The Ring whispers denial-- XANDER: I'm not dead. MAGNETO: No, Little Me. His spirit endured. Xander's life-force was bound to the Ring, and the Ring survived. Xander has returned. His vampires, Orcs and mummies have multiplied. ARDETH: Mummies?! I thought Imhotep was an Elvis. IMHOTEP: (as Elvis) Thankyou...thankyou very much. MAGNETO: (ignores him) Hie fortress of Barad-Dur is rebuilt in Mordor. He needs only this Ring to cover all the worlds in a second darkness. He is seeking it. All his thought is bent on it. The Ring yearns above all else to return to the hand of its Master. SPIKE: You said you tied this Ring in with Xander.....so the Ring is seeking ol' Xander? AUTHOR: Yes. SPIKE: Ugh..that's creepy. CREEPY: No, he's Xander. I'm Creepy. MAGNETO: They are one, the Ring and the Dark Lord. He must never find it. MAGNEATO: (grabs the Ring) All right! We'll keep it hidden. We put it away, and we never speak of it again! SPIKE: A little late for that, ain't it? TOURIST JAWAS: (wave from the Peanut Gallery) MAGNEATO: Nobody knows it's here, do they? **Can we say "Duh" here?** XANDER: I do, and I WANT it! MAGNEATO: Do they, Big Me? MAGNETO: The Author sent the Ringwraiths a letter. MAGNEATO: (gives the Evilauthors a dirty look) Figures. ELROND: You SENT for the Nazgul!?!? AUTHOR: (grins evilly and nods) DONOVAN: (from the corner) And we're what, surprised by this? **At this point, he's still tied up* CASSI: Don't worry, they'll regret they answered it. (grins) MAGNEATO: So what did the Author tell them? AUTHOR: Shire...Baggins...Of course that was before you decided to call yourself "Bagless." MAGNEATO: Yeah, well it's close enough to lead them here. --Meanwhile, we see a Wraith killing a vampire....which, to the surprise of the Wraith, turns to dust. Then we go back to Bag End, where Magneato is trying to pawn the Ring off to Magneto-- MAGNEATO: Take it, Big Me! You must take it!!! MAGNETO: I don't want it! Seeing Xander's beady eye once was enough. I don't NEED to see it again! AUTHOR: Script! MAGNETO: You cannot offer me this Ring! MAGNEATO: I'm giving it to you!! XANDER: I'll take it! WAGNER: So vill I!!! AUTHOR: Yeah, yeah, and Gollum and Frodo probably would, too. --Xander, Wagner, and Magneato all shoot looks at Frodo, who stares back, with no expression on his face-- CASSI: Hmm, guess we haven't cracked him yet. MAGNETO: (to...Little Him) Don't tempt me! I dare not take this Ring....who talks like this? AUTHOR: Ahem? MAGNETO: (rolls his eyes) Not even to keep it safe! Understand, I would use this Ring out of a desire to do good..... XAVIER: You must be joking....Erik? Good? MAGNETO: (glares at Charles) But through me, it would wield a power too great and terrible to imagine. CASSI: I don't know...some of us can imagine a lot. ROMANO & JOHN: (laughing) MAGNEATO: But it cannot stay in the Shire! Besides, I think the Hobbits might want their homes back. MERRY: We got a nasty note from them. SAM: We'll never be allowed back. CASSI: So we'll flashy-thing them. MAGNETO: (reading the script) No, it can't. MAGNEATO: Do I HAVE to!? AUTHOR: Yes. MAGNEATO: (sighs, pockets the Ring and begins to pack) What must I do? MAGNETO: You must go, and go quickly. CASSI: Duh. MAGNEATO: Before I head to Mordor! (gives Cassi a dirty look) MAGNETO: Get out of the Shire. Make for the Village of Bree. MAGNEATO: What about you? MAGNETO: I will wait for you at the Inn of the Prancing Pony. MAGNEATO: And the Ring will be safe there? MUNGO: No' loikly! Pouncy's in cha'hge of tha' place. MAGNEATO: That figures. MAGNETO: I don't know, Little Me. I don't have any answers. FRODO: Why is it that no one ever has any answers? ALL: (shrug) AUTHOR: Back to the script. MAGNETO: I must see the head of my order. He is both...(pause) powerful and WISE?!? Charles!? (laughing) PIPPIN: This is amusing. FRODO: I've been wondering what happened to you. GANDALF: I have a feeling this isn't going to be like it was. AUTHOR: I can say right now, it's not! CASSI: Think....Star Wars! GANDALF: Like your other spoof? AUTHOR: No, like "A New Spoof." ***Yes, folks this is it! The fight of the AGES!!!!*** MAGNETO: YES!!!! I get to face CHARLES!!!! (he starts dancing and the Jawas come in to form a victory kickline......can you imagine Gandalf doing that in the movie? **Ugh..(shivers)**) SPIKE: So this is what I missed in the first one? CASSI: Yeh. GANDALF: I don't act like that. AUTHOR: Are you done yet? MAGNETO: (stops dancing and calms down) Yes, I'm done. CASSI: So you now admit that you did that in the first one? **For those who missed it, he did it, but denied it** MAGNETO: Of course. (grins) SCOTT: You've driven him completely insane. LANGLY: They drive everyone insane. AUTHOR & CASSI: (cheesy grins) CHRIS: The Assistants are already insane, too. ROMANO: (grins widely) PIPPIN: Very insane. SPIKE: Yeh. NILES: Most definitely. JOHN: Do I need to add to this? CARTER: You were insane long before they got to you, pal. AUTHOR: Back to the script. I want to get Ashwise Ketchup in. ASH: Ketchum! AUTHOR: Whatever. CHRIS: Script! MAGNETO: Why would I go see Charles? I know he's the bad guy. AUTHOR: Because you can't wait to fight with him, remember? MAGNETO: Right. I have to go to Charles so we can have the fight our fans have been waiting for. Now, you, Little Me, must leave the name of "Bagless" behind. That name is not safe outside the Shire. Travel only by day, and stay off the road. MAGNEATO: I can cut across country easily enough. --Magneto stops, looking at...uh..Little Him, who is, after only a few minutes, packed, cloaked and ready for a long dangerous journey......**how he does this, we are not sure. Cassi would have taken an hour just making sure she had all her cassette tapes** ^_^ Hey, some things you just gotta have with you!** MAGNEATO: Hey, nobody said anything about danger. AUTHOR: (groans and bangs her head) CASSI: What's a matter? Chicken!? MAGNEATO: No! Of course not! Danger, here I come! MAGNETO: My dear Little Me. X-Babies are the most amazing creatures. You can learn all there is to know about their ways in a month, and after a hundred years, they can still surprise you. --They hear a noise outside the window-- MAGNETO: Get down! --Magneato drops to the floor, and Magneto reaches out the window with his staff, hits something hard, and then hauls Ash in by the scruff of his shirt, slamming him down on the table-- MAGNETO: Confound you, Ashwise Ketchum! Have you been eavesdropping? ASH: I ain't been dropping no eaves, sir. Honest! I was just cutting the grass outside the window.. if you follow me. MISTY: And he expects us to believe that? JESSIE: I don't believe they gave the twerp another star role! **Ash also starred in Jurassic 1** AUTHOR: Maybe it's because he can act! Now script! MAGNETO: A bit late for trimming the verge. ASH: I heard raised voices.. MAGNETO: What did you hear!? SPEAK! ASH: Nothing important...that is, I heard a good deal about a Ring, and a Dark Lord...and something about the end of the world... ALL: (laughing incoherently) SAM: Why do you find this funny? FRODO: If you don't know, I can't help you. (laughing) ASH: Why exactly do I have to play him? AUTHOR: I have my reasons, which will be mentioned in due time. Script. BUFFY: So it's the end of the world again? CASSI: (singing) "It's the end of the world as we know it...and I feel fine..." **REM "End of the World as We Know it"** AUTHOR: Uh...yeah, sort of. Script now. ASH: Please don't hurt me, sir. Don't turn me into anything un natural. MAGNETO: You don't have to worry about me doing that. PIPPIN: No, but I will, if you don't follow the script! MAGNETO: No? Perhaps not. I've thought of a better use for you. --Outside, Magneto and Magneato come walking through the woods, leading a horse-- MAGNETO: Come along, Ashwise. Keep up! SARA: I'll be watching to make sure you don't get hurt. ASH: (runs to catch up) SARA: (follows not far behind) **Since Jurassic 1 when she killed him accidentally, she's appointed herself as Ash's bodyguard** MAGNETO: Be careful, both of you. The enemy has many spies. Birds, beasts...Is it safe? MAGNEATO: (pats his pocket where the Ring is hidden) MAGNETO: Never put it on! The servants of the Dark Lord will be drawn to its power. Remember, the Ring is trying to get back to its Master. It WANTS to be found. DAWN: I still can't believe they tied that thing into Xander. Wouldn't the Ring know better? AUTHOR: It doesn't. CASSI: So are we gonna give it to Gollum when the whole thing's over? --All characters from "Lord of the Rings" stare at Cassi and Sven as if they are from the moon-- AUTHOR: What? ELROND: You will destroy it, won't you? AUTHOR: Ahh, we'll see. Script. --Magneto leaves and we all breath a sigh of relief, because now, we don't have to deal with the confusing name thing....for a while, anyhow. Magneato and Ash cross fields... SARA: Excuse me!! I'M here too!! AUTHOR: Ehh....right. --Magneato and Ash....and Ash's....er friend, Sara Raptor, cross fields, headed for Bree. Ash stops on the edge of a field of wheat....does this remind anyone else of Kansas? Well...except for the gorgeous mountains and the lack of the orange road construction signs. **By the way, the spoofauthors live in Kansas. Can you tell? ^_^** ASH: Do I have to say this? CASSI: Yes. ASH: (sighs) This is it. MAGNEATO: This is what? ASH: If I take one more step, it will be the farthest from home I've ever been . MERRY & PIPPIN: (look at Sam and start laughing) SPIKE: Loser. SAM: (bits his lip and looks like he's gonna cry) AUTHOR: (glares) Spike! --Spike sees the Author's expression and backs away. Sven grabs Ryan's gun and tosses it to Sam-- AUTHOR: Have at it! SAM: (grins evilly) Okay. (starts firing) --Spike appears to be unamused until he discovers they are wooden bullets. One strikes him in the heart and he is dusted-- AUTHOR: Will someone get a hose and bring him back? CASSI: I assume this means he's not an Assistant anymore. AUTHOR: He died, didn't he? **Assistants cannot be killed while they are directing** ROMANO: Hmm, I guess making people cry is a bad thing. CASSI: I would say yes. MUNGO: (comes out with a hose, and sprays the ashes) SPIKE: (after he is back) I guess that means I'm fired? AUTHOR: Yes. SPIKE: (shrugs) Oh well...fun while it lasted. CASSI: Who's going to replace him? AUTHOR: Haven't decided. Back to the script. MAGNEATO: Come on, Ash. Remember what Charley X used to say. "It's a dangerous thing, Magneato, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's not telling where you may be swept off to." CASSI: I like that. AUTHOR: Makes you think, don't it? PIPPIN: What's wrong? AUTHOR & CASSI: (exchange amused looks) Nothing. AUTHOR: Scene change. ISENGUARD ****************** **Yes, this is it, Star Wars/X-Men fans!!! The fight to end all fights!!! Who will win?*** MAGNETO: (rides to Isenguard) XAVIER: Smoke rises from the mountain of Doom. The hour grows late, and Erik the Grey rides to Isenguard, seeking my counsel. For that is why you have come, is it not, my old friend? MAGNETO: No, actually, I just wanted to fight you. XAVIER: The script says you lose. AUTHOR: Follow the script....for the moment. MAGNETO: (rolls his eyes) Charles. CHRIS: Okay, they're walking around that ugly black tower, talking. XAVIER: Are you sure of this? SAM: Sure of what? MAGNETO: (ignores Sam) Beyond any doubt. XAVIER: So the One Ring has been found. SAM: Long time ago. That's very old news. MERRY: Yep, very old. FRODO: Quiet. SAM: Oh, stuff a sock in it. We're here to have fun, Mr. Fodo. CASSI: Another one down. We cracked Sam. AUTHOR: (grins) PIPPIN: Back to the script. MAGNETO: All these years, it was in the Shire...right under my nose. **in his defense, he DOES have a big nose** WAGNER: No it vasn't. AUTHOR: Quiet! Script now! XAVIER: And you had not the wit to see it. Your love for the Halfling's leaf has clearly slowed your mind. CASSI: I'm tellin' you...weed. SPIKE: I'm beginning to wonder. AUTHOR: (groans) MAGNETO: We still have time. Time to counter Xander, if we act quickly. SPIKE: (incoherent laughter) XAVIER: Time? What time do you think we have? CASSI: I, for one, wish they would get a move on. I want my boots. ROMANO: Boots? CASSI: (whispers something in his ear) ROMANO: (laughs) I'm not surprised, somehow. GANDALF: I don't want to know. CHRIS: Alright, now we switch to inside the ugly tower of...(pause) Is-Ann-Guard. LEGOLAS: (snickers) GANDALF: (shakes his head, muttering under his breath) XAVIER: Xander..(laughs) has regained much of his former..(laughs) strength. He (pauses) Yes he can. AUTHOR: Follow the script. XAVIER: He cannot take physical form, but his spirit has lost none of its potency..(more laughter) Concealed in his fortress, he sees all. His (laughs) gaze pierces cloud, shadow, earth and flesh. You know what I speak of. A beady eye, lidless, wreathed in flame. MAGNETO: The Beady Eye of Xander. **I can't even type that without laughing!!** ALL BUT XANDER: (incoherent laughter) LOGAN: He's not even remotely frightening! BUFFY: I just can't imagine him...(bursts out laughing) XANDER: Hey!! (glares) My Wraiths are gonna kick your butts! ELROND: (laughing) Very funny. AUTHOR: Um....actually, the Wraiths really DO answer to Xander. ALL: (stop laughing) XANDER: That's better ALL: (resume laughing) XANDER: (stomps off, muttering obscenities under his breath) CHRIS: Now then, shall we continue? XAVIER: He is gathering all evil to him....(more laughing) PIPPIN: Will you STOP that?! CHRIS: Yeah, get it right, Chucky! XAVIER: (glares) ALL: (snickering) XAVIER: (continues) Very soon, he will have assembled an army large enough to assault Middle Earth. MAGNETO: You know this? How? MERRY: Probably because he read the script. CASSI: No! People DO that?! CORSAIR: I always did. RYAN: Same here. MURDOC: They're not talking about us insane people. PIPPIN: Script! XAVIER: I have seen it. --They enter another room, where a stone sphere lies, covered-- GANDALF: Where did you get that? AUTHOR: (points at Aragorn) ARAGORN: (waves at Gandalf, and resumes watching his lightsaber wave back and forth) CASSI: He doesn't seem to be using it right now. CHRIS: Script! MAGNETO: A...(pause...shrug) Plant is a dangerous tool! ALL: (laughing) CASSI: A Plant!? DAWN: Only if you're playing Jumanji. PIPPIN: (to the Author) Isn't that the name on the box I s-- AUTHOR: (covers his mouth) No. You didn't see anything. DAWN: I'm not gonna ask. CHRIS: Back to the Plant being a dangerous tool. XAVIER: (uncovers the...uh Plant) Why? Why should we fear to use it? MAGNETO: They are not all accounted for, the lost seeing stones. You do not know who else may be watching. (he replaces the cover over the...Plant, and lets out a yelp) SPIKE: What? Did it bite? MAGNETO: (full body shiver) I saw the Evil Beady Eye of Xander. XAVIER: The hour is later than you think. Xander's forces are already moving. The Nine have left ....(gives a small smile) Mine-Us More-Dirt. CASSI: (laughs) **gotta love a good name-butchering** ARAGORN: More dirt! (laughing) AUTHOR: How much morphine did you give him? CARTER: Ask the doctors. ROMANO: Ask the med team. MUNGO: Don' ask me. AUTHOR: Ehh, never mind. Script. MAGNETO: The Nine? XAVIER: They crossed the river "Is-Ann" on Midsummer's Eve disguised as riders in black. **Gee I wonder what ELSE they could disguise themselves as...riders in blue?** MAGNETO: They've reached the Shire. XAVIER: They will find the Ring, and kill the one who carries it. MAGNETO: Little Me! (he tries to leave, but the doors slam all at once) XAVIER: (ignites a lightsaber) MAGNETO: (does the same) GANDALF: Interesting. AUTHOR: I had fans who wanted to see this. CASSI: Except I think it's backwards...with Magneto being the good guy and all. AUTHOR: Close enough. XAVIER: I've been waiting for you, Erik. We meet again, at last. The circle is now complete. --Magneto moves with elegant ease into a classical offensive position. Xavier takes the defensive stance-- XAVIER: When I left you, I was the learner. Now I am the Master. MAGNETO: Only a Master of evil, Charles. (laughs) CHRIS: Okay, so instead of them duking it out like wizards, they duke it out like Jedi and Sith. SCOTT: (watching them fight) So are either of them gonna die? MUNGO: No' in the scrip'. RYAN: When has that mattered? TEAZER: I' used to. XAVIER: Your powers are weak, old man. MAGNETO: You can't win, Charles. If you strike me down, the med team will bring me back. CASSI: Yet another victim of spoof magic. AUTHOR: Are you guys done yet? --Niether one answers as they continue fighting with their lightsabers-- AUTHOR: Might as well let them duke it out. CHRIS: (watches the battle for a moment, as both fighters are really making a mess of the place) Alright then...back to the Shire? AUTHOR: Yeah.....we'll return to the battle later. SHIRE.....FARMER ASPARAGUS' CROP *********************************** CASSI: Well, at least it ain't Maggot. Geez, who would want to steal food from a guy with a name like THAT?! **think about it, people** MERRY & PIPPIN: (shrug...because, lets face it....they'll never understand us) SPIKE: (mutters) Like anyone could. AUTHOR & CASSI: (grin) ASH: (emerges from a corn patch alone) Mister Magneato? Magneato! MAGNEATO: (appears from the path ahead) ASH: Ah, darn. I was hoping I'd lost you. SAM: (snickers) FRODO: (glares at him) CASSI: (to Sam) Don't worry. We'll get to him, too. Resistance is futile. CARTER: They tend to crack everyone eventually. PIPPIN: Get it right, Mr. Ketchup. ASH: (glares) Ketchum! PIPPIN: Whatever. CHRIS: Script, Poke-kid! ASH: (mutters something under his breath, but continues) I thought I'd lost you. MAGNEATO: What are you talking about, Ash? ASH: It's just something that Bigger You said. MAGNEATO: What did he say? ASH: Only that he'd roast me alive and feed me to the Orcs if I lost you. LOGAN: Yeah, that sounds like him. CASSI: Yummy. GANDALF: I never said anything like that. Right Sam? SAM: (grins evilly) FRODO: That's not what he told me. AUTHOR: I don't care! I'm trying to do a spoof and it has nothing to do with YOU! Shut up! FRODO: (starts to say something, but changes his mind, and wisely keeps his mouth shut) SAM: (moves to sit with Merry and Pippin) MADCHRIS: (sits down in Sam's seat, eating a candy-bar) Looks like your Peck buddies abandoned you there. FRODO: Go away. CHRIS: Quiet, Knight! You'll make him mad. MADCHRIS: So? It's not like he's dangerous. FRODO: (stands up and stomps offset) AUTHOR: Uh..Fra-doo? Not a good idea for you.....to...run off....alone. PIPPIN: Oh well. Looks like Gollum might get revenge. AUTHOR: Actually, the one he really wants revenge on is him. (points at Sam) WAGNER: Zhat's okay. He'll settle for Frodo. CASSI: Think he'll kill him? AUTHOR: (shrugs) Who knows? CHRIS: Alright, back to the script. MAGNEATO: We're still in the Shire, Ash. What could possibly happen? --Wolvie and Boyo appear out of nowhere and knock them over. See that's what you get when you say stupid things like that.-- WOLVIE: (sounding like exactly like Pippin) Magneato! Look Boyo, it's Magneato! BOYO: Who else could it be, a reject for the Adam's family? WOLVIE: Well yeah he could be.......he certainly looks like one. ASH: You get off of him! WOLVIE: Good point. He might have cooties! --Ash pushes Boyo off, and then pulls Wolvie off Magneato by the scruff of his neck.-- CASSI: They're good. MERRY: Wolvie sounds like, Pip. AUTHOR: He must really want another Oscar. PIPPIN: Back to the script! CASSI: Yes, hurry! --Boyo hands Ash an armful of vegetables.-- CYKE: YUCK! Heath-foodth! AUTHOR: Script! BOYO: Hold these. ASH: What is the meaning of this? You've been into Farmer Asparagus' crop! Haven't you?! --They hear the sound of angry voices and Neverwolves howling.........the things people have guarding their crops-- SARA: Neverwolves! WOLVIE: What's with the dinosaur? AUTHOR: Script! --All of them including Sara Raptor run into the field.........(long pause)YES...the raptors are afraid of Neverwolves. They'd be very dumb if they weren't!-- BOYO: I don't know what he's so upset about, it's only a few carrots. WOLVIE: And some cabbages, and the three bags of potatoes we lifted last week, and the mushrooms the week before that. ROMANO: (to Merry&Pippin) Don't you people have money? SAM: Everybody steals from Farmer Maggot or Asparagus in yours. Including "Fra-do"! AUTHOR: Yep, it's in the book, now back to the script! BOYO: Yes, Wolvie! My point is, he's obviously over-reacting! SPIKE: Oh, yeah, completely. BUFFY: Like you can talk! CASSI: HURRY up! --They all fall over a small cliff, and land in a heap in the middle of the road, that they are supposed to be avoiding. Wolvie lands inches from a pile of manure.-- WOLVIE: Oooh! That was a close one. SARA: (reaches the cliff) Wahoo! (jumps) --The X-Babies and Ash scatter, because let's face it, they really don't want to become pancake versions of themselves.-- ASH: You nearly squashed us! SARA: (offended) I would NEVER! (walks off annoyed) MERRY: I don't remember a dinosaur following Sam. AUTHOR: (shrugs) Whatever works. BOYO: I think I broke something. (pulls out a broken candybar) Ooops. ASH: Trust a Brandybuck and a Took! BOYO: Nonsense! That was just a detour...... AUTHOR: That's funny, I didn't see any "D's" touring..... ALL: (stare) CHRIS: Script! BOYO: A shortcut! ASH: A shortcut to what? We are supposed to stay away from the road, and I might add that this is that road we weren't supposed to be on. Why are we on it? CASSI: Well you can't exactly be under it. AUTHOR: Ash, this isn't a "Marx Brothers'" Movie! So stop ad-libbing. ASH: (sighs) A shortcut to WHAT?! WOLVIE: (wrinkles nose) We don't like mushrooms! --Merry, Pippin, and Sam exchange a look and converge on the mushrooms. The Author dumps a pile of chocalate bars on the ground.-- WOLVIE: CANDY!!! --Boyo, Wolvie, and Ash converge on the candy. Magneato looks down the road, that they shouldn't be on. Frodo re-enters, he stares at the group then down the road. Then he walks back off set.-- CASSI: That was interesting. AUTHOR: (suspicious) He's up to something. PIPPIN: Doesn't matter. AUTHOR: I'll deal with him later. MAGNEATO: (to the X-Babies&Hobbits) I think we should get off the road. --Something dark approaches..........DUH!-- MAGNEATO: (pulls out a megaphone) Why are you ignoring me?! GET OFF THE BLOODY ROAD, YOU WANKERS! SPIKE: Glad to see someone, picked up something from me. --The hobbits hurry back to their seats while the X-Babies and Ash hide under the roots of a tree. Sara has not yet returned from sulking. The Ringwraith comes, on his horse....what else would he be on? A cow? Hmm...wouldn't that have been funny......WHAT?!? Anyway, he gets off his horse and begins sniffing as though he can smell the ring. A spider crawls across Boyo's shoulder. Boyo screams, causing everyone, including the Ringwraith to cover their ears.-- BOYO: GET IT OFF!! GET IF OFF!! --The poor helpless spider keels over and Wolvie throws the bag of candybars.-- WOLVIE: (yelling) FETCH, RINGY! FETCH!! --The Ringwraith glances in the direction the bag went and then back down at the group. The Ringwraith jumps down in front of them. Magneato uses his magnetic powers to slam the dumb Wraith into a tree, knocking it unconscious. Man, you'd thing they'd be smarter. What kind of an idiot runs around wearing metal, when we have them mutant magnets on set.-- CASSI: I want the boots. --Magneato pulls the Wraith's boots off and gives them to Cassi.-- WOLVIE: We should give it a proper burial. --The X-Babies kick dirt on the Wraith. The Author hands Aragorn a can of pink spray-paint.-- AUTHOR: Have fun. --Aragorn walks over and sprays something in Elvish on the Wraith's back.-- PIPPIN: What does that say? ELROND: (reads it) It says; "Kick me." --Merry, Pippin, and Sam exchange a look and hurry over to the Ringwraith and proceed to kick him for awhile.-- BILL: I wanna chance! AUTHOR: (whispers something to Bill) --The hobbits go back to their seats. Aragorn does the same. Bill hikes his leg and pees on Wraith. When he's finished, Fiddles comes prancing in. Fiddles reads the words on the Wraith's back. He proceeds to kick him off the set. The Wraith's horse hurries away. Smart horse-- SPIKE: You just mugged a Ringwraith. CASSI: (trying on the boots) I love these boots. ARWEN: That was neat! ELROND: I like it here. --The X-Babies and Ash hurry away from the....er "mugging scene" and go further into the forest. They are soon re-joined with Sara, who has decided to forgive Ash for saying she almost squashed him.-- BOYO: What was that? ARAGORN: You mean, you actually have to ask? ARWEN: Feeling less weird? ARAGORN: (grins) No. ARWEN: (sighs) AUTHOR: Script! --It is dark now, and they have been running for some time, watching for the other dumb Ringwraiths.-- BOYO: Anything? MAGNEATO: Nothing. BOYO: That dark rider was looking for something, or someone. Magneato? --Another dumb Wraith appears, in the distance.-- WOLVIE: Get down! --They all hide like the weaklings they are.....-- WOLVIE: (glares) MAGNEATO: I have to leave the Shire. Ash and I have to get to Bree. BOYO: (reads script) Buckleberry Ferry, follow me. --They run, but another dumb Wraith is right behind them. Magneato gets separated from rest, he uses his powers again to knock another of those senseless creatures, senseless.-- CASSI: Um, no comment. AUTHOR: (snaps fingers) No more magnetic powers. --Ash, Boyo, and Wolvie make it to the ferry ahead of Magneato, who they are probably trying to leave behind. As we all know how much they care about him..........(laughs). Anyway, Magneato is running as fast as he can, which isn't very fast.-- BOYO: Ash, get the ropes! BEFORE the magnet catches up!! (they untie the raft) WOLVIE: HURRY UP ASH!! He's almost here. BOYO: (with fake concern) RUN, Mags! WOLVIE: Here doggy, doggy, Mags! Come and get it!! MAGNEATO: (yelling) That isn't funny. --Yet another rider is behind Magneato, Sara Raptor dashes past and leaps into the river.-- MAGNEATO: GO!! BOYO: We are, without YOU! --Magneato jumps off the dock, and lands on the edge of the ferry. He nearly falls in. The Wraith, stops at the water's edge, as we all know how hydrophobic them dumb Wraiths are. Sara swims along side the raft, while Boyo and Wolvie sulk because Magneato made it to the raft.-- MAGNEATO: Where is the nearest crossing......(pause) Shouldn't I know that if I lived in the Shire all my life? MERRY: Yes, but nobody said Fra-doo was a genius, quite the opposite, actually! FRODO: (glares) BOYO: (about the crossing) Brandywine bridge, twenty miles. SPIKE: Brandywine? AUTHOR: (grins) --Spike walks up to the edge and smells it. He grins and fills his flask in the river.-- SPIKE: It really is Brandywine! MERRY: (walks over and smells it) How did this happen? AUTHOR: (shrugs) Couldn't help it. That's what it was called, so that's what I made it. PIPPIN: That's nice, now we need rain for the next scene. STORM: No problem. (causes it to start raining) BOYO: Now I'm wet. ASH: Great! Now I'm gonna get pneumonia! CHRIS: And then we go to Bree. --Luke returns from going to the snack stands.-- LUKE: By the way, I saw that gray-skinned guy. AUTHOR: Gollum? LUKE: Yeah, he was talking to..um...what's his name....um...er....Fra-doo. SAM: Talking? LUKE: Yeah, they seemed to know each other. AUTHOR: (mutters) I knew it! PIPPIN: We'll worry about that later, let's get back to the spoof. CHRIS: Alright, we go to Bree........FINALLY! BREE **GUARD SHACK** (security guard humor) *********************** --The X-Babies, Ash, and Sara arrive at Bree and knock on the gate. A vampire opens the higher window and sees Sara. He quickly closes it and opens the lower one.-- VAMPIRE#7: What do you want? MAGNEATO: We are headed for the Prancing Pony. VAMPIRE#7: Three X-Babies, a twerp, and a dinosaur. What brings you to Bree? WOLVIE: Our feet. YAKKO: Du-uh! ARAGORN: (gives the vamp a yellow "I'm Stupid" sign) Here's your sign. CASSI: He learns quick. MAGNEATO: We wish to stay at the inn. Our business is our own! VAMPIRE#7: Very well, young sir. Didn't mean no offense by it. It's my job to ask questions after nightfall. There is talk of some strange folk about. Can't be too careful. ALEX: As if they're not strange. SARA: I'm not strange. I'm normal. BUFFY: Not in that setting. AUTHOR: Alright, now we go to the Prancing Pony. Pounce you're up! PRANCING PONY **************** --The entire group including Sara step up to the counter, that Poucival is standing behind. Sara taps her claw impatiently as Magneato frowns at his script.-- MAGNEATO: Is this right? PIPPIN: If it's in the script, then it is! Now SCRIPT! MAGNEATO: (shrugs) Okay. (to Pounce) Excuse me, is this the mental institution? ALL: (stare) SAM: I don't remember Fra-doo saying that. MAGNEATO: It's in my script. AUTHOR: If it's in the script then it was, what was said. The script is always right. MERRY: Except when people change it. CHRIS: (snickers) MERRY: Why do I have a feeling, I know who is responsible? AUTHOR: You have no proof. Now back to the script! POUNCE: (to Magneato) No, the mental institution is down the road. CHRIS: Ahem! POUNCE: Good evening, little and er.....(eyeing Sara) big, Masters and Ma'am. If you are looking for...(pause).....um....er....what is this word? I kinda flunked english.......**unfinished Cat's Fanfic** AUTHOR: Nevermind. Just skip to the end of your line. POUNCE: Mr? MAGNEATO: Bagless. My name is Bagless....or is it Baggins? Anyway, we are friends of the Big me. Erik the Grey. Would you tell him, we've arrived? POUNCE: The big you? He's still fighting with Chucky the bald-dude. AUTHOR: Still? PIPPIN: (to Pounce) Get it right! POUNCE: Erik? Elderly chap? Who wears a bucket like yours on his head? I haven't seen him in six months. --The X-Babies, Ash and Sara go into a group huddle.-- ASH: What do we do now? SARA: I can eat Pounce...... BOYO: That might not be a good idea, you might get indigestion. You don't know where that cat has been. WOLVIE: You could eat the Baldy and Big Bucket for not getting their stupid fight over with! MAGNEATO: Good point. Big Me just abandoned us! ASH: Yeah, eating him sounds like a good plan, Sara. You and Nick can share him. PIPPIN: You know I would hate to have to turn you all into slugs and dump salt on you, but I will if you don't follow that script you were given. MAGNEATO: (sighs) He'll come, Ash. I know he'll be here. SARA: Good! Then I can eat him! --The scene changes to them all seated at a table including Sara. Who is at the end of the table with Nick, having a candlelight dinner. With a pile of intestines cooked up like spaghetti, doing the scene from "Lady and the Tramp"-- DONOVAN: (still tied up) That is disgusting. CROSS: I hope that wasn't one of the SWAT team. --A good portion of the set runs to the bathroom covering their mouths, while the rest of us are wondering if Hannibal Lecter is fixing ALL the meals at the Prancing Pony, and if he is.......Check, please. Tables one through all.......-- CODY: Ugh, I'm never eating spaghetti, EVER again. CASSI: Come to think of it, we just had spaghetti a few night ago. It was delicious. AUTHOR: Cassi, stop making our readers sick. You know they'll never look at spaghetti the same way again...............I hope we didn't make you sick, Emmy. And if we did, blame the chef at the Prancing Pony. --At the X-Babies table where they're all turning green, as they are right next to the dinos. Boyo returns to the table with a pint of rootbear and a bottle of Pepto-Bismo....(WHAT?!?)-- WOLVIE: What's that? DOT: You have to ask? I thought the pink bottle was a giveaway. WOLVIE: (glares at Dot) Not that! BOYO: This, my friend, is a pint. WOLVIE: It comes in pints? (stands) I'm going to get one. --Wolvie runs over to the er..."bar" to get a pint and probably a bottle of the pink-stuff. Ash yells after him.-- ASH: WOLVIE! You've a whole half, already! GLORY: What a glutton. PIPPIN: A pint is better then a half...and a pint and a half is even more better. SPIKE: Them Hobbits drink quite a bit, don't they? Aren't they a little young for that? PIPPIN: (offended) I'm almost out of my tweens. SPIKE: What is a tween? MERRY: He's twenty-nine. SAM: Yeah, he hasn't come of age, yet. PIPPIN: I'm close enough. SPIKE: Wait a second, how old do you have to be to be an adult? MERRY: Thirty-three. SAM: Pippin's the youngest of us all. MERRY: The rest of us, have all come of age. SAM: Mr. Fra-doo is the oldest. SPIKE: (to Buffy) They're all older then you. BUFFY: (glares and decks Spike, knocking him cold) AUTHOR: That means on our set, you Mr Took, cannot drink. You're not an adult yet. PIPPIN: (glares and does the "Wolve pout") That isn't fair! JARETH: You say that so often. I wonder what you basis for comparison is. PIPPIN: (runs over and kicks Jareth in the shin) JARETH: (muttering) Stupid PECK! CHRIS: Back to the script. ASH: (motions across the room) That man's done nothing but stare at you since we came in. --Ash and Magneato glance over to the corner table, where Ardeth, Carter, and Aragorn are playing cards. None of them have even glanced in the X-Babies direction.-- SARA: (Ash) They aren't looking at you. They're too busy, playing cards. I think they're trying to get Aragorn to gamble away Gondor. AUTHOR: Carter!! Aragorn!! Get out of there! --Aragorn and Carter do the "Wolvie glare" and move. Ardeth, mad at Ash and Magneato, for interrupting the card game, glares and fingers his scimitar.-- --Alright, Ardeth is glaring a the group of weirdos sitting next to the Raptor pair. Which everyone is trying to ignore. Magneato stops Pounce as he walks past.-- MAGNEATO: That man in the corner, who is he? POUNCE: He's one of them Med-Jai's. Dangerous folk, they are, wandering the wilds. What his rightful name is, I can't tell you. But around here he's known as "Strider". MAGNEATO: Strider.........I thought his name was Ardeth. PIPPIN: Right now it's Strider, now script! --Magneato starts messing with the ring. Which is whispering "Bagless" over and over again. Nothing shuts up on this set! What? Oh, right, you wanted more spoof.-- WOLVIE: (rather loudly) Bagless? Sure I know a Bagless. Magneato Bagless, over there. He's my father's, brother's, nephew's, cousin's, former roomate, twice removed on his mothers' side. ALL: (stare) AUTHOR: Well that was different WOLVIE: I ain't saying I'm related to him! --Magneato stamps over to Wolvie at the bar. Although why is beyond me, as Magneato already said his name when he checked in. It's not like Wolvie told any secret!-- MAGNEATO: Wolvie, you moron! WOLVIE: Go stuff it! --Magneato trips (thanks to someone's trip line). As he falls the ring, he was dumb enough to be messing with, flies into the air, drawing Ardeth's attention. The ring lands on Magneato's finger and he vanishes. The nine.....er well eight of the nine turn towards Bree. Magneato sees the Evil Beady Eye of Xander, and screams. As that is such a scary sight.....(laughs). Anyway, Magneato takes off the ring and reappears. Ardeth grabs him by the shoulder and drags him off.-- ARDETH: You draw far too much attention to yourself, Mr Bagless. MAGNEATO: What do you want? ARDETH: A little more caution from you, that is no trinket you carry! MAGNEATO: I carry nothing. CARTER: Then why are you hiding it in your pocket? AUTHOR: Beat it, Carter. Why don't you go play cards with Aragorn. ARDETH: (to Magneato as he puts the candles out with his fingers) Indeed? I can avoid being seen if I wish, but to disappear entirely, that is a rare gift! FIDDLES: (frowns) Is not! I can, yes I can.(changes invisible) See, you can't see me. No you can't, nope, nope, nope. MULDER: We don't have to see you. We can hear you! --Fiddles reappears and glares at Mulder.-- CHRIS: Script or crispy? PIPPIN: (waves the flamethrower and grins like a maniac) Pick crispy, I'm wanting to try this out. MAGNEATO: Who are you? CARTER: You don't know? Not very smart are you? MAGNEATO: (glares at Carter) ARDETH: Are you frightened? MAGNEATO: No. PIPPIN: Yeah! I get to fry someone! MAGNEATO: (stares at Pippin horrified) Yes! ARDETH: Not nearly frightened enough. I know what hunts you. AUTHOR: Wolvie, Ash, and Boyo, you'd better get this right. --Wolvie, Boyo, and Ash burst into the room. Ash is brandishing a candlestick and Wolvie a stool.-- ASH: Let him go, or I'll have you, long shanks! ARDETH: (bursts out laughing and slides down the wall) SARA: Should I eat him? RYAN: He's a friend of mine. SARA: Right, Boss. Then he's off limits. AUTHOR: Script! ARDETH: (regains his composure and stands) You have a stout heart, Pokemon Trainer. But it will not save you. (to Magneato) You can no longer wait for the wizard, Magneato. They are coming. --Alright, now we do the whole fake out scene. Which all of you should know about if you've read the book or seen the movie. Anyway, the four Wraiths who were tricked the first time don't even bother to stab the beds. They just pull off the covers and scream. The Author and Cassi put on "Acme earplugs" and then pull them out once the Wraiths are done with their scream-a-thon. Then we go across the street where Magneato sits brooding (taking lessons from Angel on that) and Ardeth watches out the window. Boyo and Wolvie are playing with matches while Sara and Ash are playing cards.-- MAGNEATO: What are they? CASSI: I thought we explained that earlier, they're the dumb guys who took the nine rings. AUTHOR: Cassi, hush. He's following the script. Which is quite a miracle. Ardeth please continue. ARDETH: They were once men. Great kings of men, but Sauron the deceiver gave to them nine rings of power, and blinded by their greed, they took them without question. Morons if you ask me. Anyway, one by one they fell to darkness. Now they are slaves to Xander's will, scary right? They are the "Naz-Gulls" CASSI: A type of bird? PIPPIN: Gulls? ARDETH: You mean it is "Goal"? --The Author groans and bangs her head into the wall.-- ARDETH: (shrugs and continues) Ringwraiths, neither living nor dead. At all times they feel the presence of the ring, drawn to the power of the one. They will never stop hunting you. CHRIS: Alright the next morning they leave Bree. --The next morning they head out. Ardeth leads with Magneato, Wolvie, and Boyo right behind him. Sara is behind them and in the rear , Ash is holding a rope that is tied around Bill Spino's neck. He is carrying their supplies on his back.-- SAM: (muttering) Now why couldn't we have a pony like that? AUTHOR: He's the only animal we had on set by the name of Bill. MAGNEATO: (to Ardeth) Where are you taking us? ARDETH: Into the wilds. --They walk for quite awhile, and as I'm too lazy I'm not going to describe everything they pass. If you want details, then watch the movie.-- BOYO: How do we know this "Strider" is a friend of Magneto? ARDETH: I'm not. My friends are Carter, Murdoc, Imhotep, Aragorn, Ryan, and Pippin. ROMANO: Ahem. (waves a morphine vial) ARDETH: Oh, right and Romano. ASH: Figures. WOLVIE: Great we're stuck with one of the "Insanos" MAGNEATO: We have no choice but to trust him. ASH: Where is he taking us? ARDETH: (frowns at his script but shrugs) To see the elves, retard. ASH: Was that in the script? ARDETH: It's in my script....... AUTHOR: You're going to see Angelus. ASH: He's not an elf or an "Elvis". He's a vampire. SARA: He won't hurt you or I'll rip his head off. ANGELUS: Right, I won't touch the twerp. --The X-Babies, Ash, and Sara start pulling out pans.-- ARDETH: Gentlemen and Lady (eyes Sara) We do not stop till nightfall. WOLVIE: What about breakfast? ARDETH: You've already had it. WOLVIE: We've had one yes, what about second breakfast? BOYO: I don't think he knows about second breakfast, Wolvie. SPIKE: How many times do they eat in a day? WOLVIE: What about elevenses? Luncheon? Afternoon tea? Dinner? Supper? Do you think he knows about them? SARA: I'm hungry. ARDETH: We don't stop. SARA: Okay, then. I'll eat you. ARDETH: We stop. AUTHOR: No, we don't stop. Sara, you will not eat Ardeth. SARA: But, I'm hungry. AUTHOR: We'll take a break in a while. In fact, go eat. We'll go to Isengard. CHRIS: Good idea. MERRY: (walks up to the Author) What is "Jew-man-jai"? SPIKE: What? AUTHOR: (not really paying attention) It's harmless, leave it alone. MERRY: (nods and takes a seat, yet he still looks curious) PIPPIN: (whispers to him) AUTHOR: Script! SPIKE: Yeah, but he said.......... AUTHOR: SHUT-UP! CHRIS: Alright. To "Iss-ann-guard" ISS-ANN-GUARD ************** --Xavier and Magneto are still duking it out with lightsabers.-- LUKE: (groans) Does this remind anyone of the never-ending "Dagabah" experience? AUTHOR: (nods)Yep. --Two weeks later the Author returns on set carrying a backpack.-- SPIKE: Where have you been? AUTHOR: (coughs and kicks the bag full of books under her chair) I got sidetracked. CASSI: She's been trying to find a new assistant. CHRIS: Have you found one? AUTHOR: Two actually. Although, I'm not sure one will come. --Pippin stomps on set soaking wet and very angry.-- AUTHOR: Did you deliver the invitation? PIPPIN: (yelling) Why didn't you tell me that lunatic had monsters living in the moat around his castle?!? And not just that, he had a DRAGON in his front hallway!!! AUTHOR: I couldn't.......he always changes his gateguards. Did you deliver the invitation? PIPPIN: Yes, he'd said he'd think about it. AUTHOR: And the others? PIPPIN: Dor, Chester, Bink, Trent, and Irene are on their way. CASSI: Door? AUTHOR: Dor....."D-O-R". CHRIS: (irritated) Can we continue? AUTHOR: Have Xavier and Magneto stopped fighting? MAGNETO: Charles is dead. AUTHOR: You were supposed to lose. MUNGO: So you nee' 'im back? CHRIS: Obviously, since his part is next. Mags get to the roof. --Magneto does the "Wolvie pout", but complies.-- SPIKE: So who are all these "newbies" you're bringing in? PIPPIN: Bunch of weirdo's AUTHOR: You wouldn't say that to their faces. PIPPIN: No.....I'd be afraid Chester would kick me. SPIKE: So?! Big deal. PIPPIN: Would you like to be kicked by Fiddles? SPIKE: It's a horse? AUTHOR: No, not quite. FIDDLES: Can I kick the vamp? CASSI: No. FIDDLES: Darn. SPIKE: How can he not quite be a horse? FIDDLES: Could be a unicorn, or a pegasis', or a centaur, or any other number of horselike creatures. AUTHOR: Yep.....also we will be importing some new supplies. I found a better place to get stuff. CASSI: (snickers) SPIKE: Now I'm worried. AUTHOR: Don't be, the stuff's harmless.....most of it, anyway. SPIKE: Most of it? PIPPIN: (limps past Spike) Stay away from the snap-dragons.(sits down) AUTHOR: Did you bring mine? PIPPIN: Irene said she'd get you one. AUTHOR: (nods) Good, then we can continue. CHRIS: Charles isn't alive yet. MUNGO: I'm workin' on it! AUTHOR: Work faster. PIPPIN: Oh, yeah. Jumpers' in the Green Room. He said he'd wait for Dor. AUTHOR: (whispers to Misto) --Misto nods and enters the Green Room.-- PIPPIN: Enlarging him? AUTHOR: Yep. CHRIS: (looking over the books from the Authors' bag) I hope no one has arachnophobia. CASSI: Snowcone guy won't be back. --Everyone who knows the Snowcone Guy, cheer wildly at that remark.-- CHRIS: He's afraid of spiders? What a wuss! SAM: Spider? FRODO: (from the edge of the set.) A what?! GOLLUM: Shelob? (looks at Sam) She'll eat the nasty hobbit, she will! Won't she, Master? (looks at Frodo) AUTHOR: (growls) Shelob will not be coming on set. Jumper doesn't eat people or hobbits. Jumper eats big bugs. --Gollum lets out a hiss and scurries backstage. Frodo follows.-- MERRY: Traitor! CASSI: HOWAH! We cracked "Fra-doo"! CARTER: About time. ARDETH: He's been cracked for awhile. ARAGORN: Whee! AUTHOR: (annoyed) Who gave the "King with all the names" more, morphine? --Romano whistles and hides the medical bag behind his back.-- CARTER: It wasn't a lot. ARDETH: We just wanted to play cards with him..... CASSI: I bet. AUTHOR: Oh, yeah, you wanted me to remind you Cassi. You need to talk to Tara. --Cassi jumps to her feet and exits with Tara.-- MUNGO: Another five minutes, an' 'e'll be aloive. KOVAC: He's taking his time. AUTHOR: By the way, Luka? KOVAC: Yes? AUTHOR: I must compliment you on your swordfighting, and beating up that jerk. Also if you don't have to work in medlab, unless they really need you.....or if you get bored. And if I ever need a temporary assistant. I'd pick you. KOVAC: (grins and sits down in the Peanut Gallery) --Five minutes later. Baldy.....I mean Charles is alive again and Cassi and Tara have returned. And yes the fun is about to begin!-- AUTHOR: Now we continue. ISS-ANN-GUARD**TAKE TWO** *************************** --Xavier is using the er...."Plant" to talk with Xander.-- CASSI: Amazing what plants can do. PIPPIN: Plants can eat you. SPIKE: Snap-dragons? PIPPIN: (shakes his head)Tangler. AUTHOR: (yelling)SCRIPT! ISS-ANN-GUARD**TAKE THREE** **************************** XAVIER: (to Xander) The power of "Iss-ann-guard" is at your command, Xander, Evil Lord of Middle Earth. XANDER: Build me an army worthy of "More-dirt" VOICE: (from doorway) An army worthy of dirt? AUTHOR: (flatly) Who are you? And were you invited? DOR: (steps forward) I was invited. PIPPIN: Ah, Mister Door. SPIKE: And what's so special about him? AUTHOR: He talks to things. You know, walls, rocks, clouds, webs, clothes, weapons...... SPIKE: So? So do a lot of people on drugs. PIPPIN: Yeah, but usually the wall doesn't talk back. SPIKE: Er.....um....no comment. AUTHOR: Are the rest here? --Dor nods and opens the door. A man with features similar to Dor's walks in. Followed by another man, older then the first. Followed by a spoiled looking girl with green hair. The girl is carrying a small plant in her arms.-- AUTHOR: Is that mine? IRENE: Yes. SPIKE: Who are these people? AUTHOR: Bink, Dor's father. King Trent and his daughter Irene and........Chester..... --Chester, a centaur with a brown horse body trots in....with a small gnomish looking man on his back.-- AUTHOR: (grins)Magician Humfrey! You came! HUMFREY: I was curious. Besides, if I'm here, nobody can bother me about questions. STEVE: I can eat them if they try. HUMFREY: (glances at Steve) Strange looking land dragon. TRENT: That's a dinosaur. Velociraptor, I believe. STEVE: (beams) Yes, that's me. Steve V. Raptor, at your service. AUTHOR: Back to the script. Pippin, go get Jumper. HUMFREY: Can't wait to meet him. TRENT: Most definitely. CASSI: HEY! She said script. That means you sit down and shut up. CHRIS: Who are the assistants? AUTHOR: Dor. DOR: ME?!? CHRIS: Welcome to the club, you can't be killed now. AUTHOR: And Magician Humfrey, if he is interested. HUMFREY: (nods) That's fine. MURDOC: He's ugly. DOR: (glares) Stop being rude. THE FLOOR: Yeah, ugly! SPIKE: (stares) The floor just spoke. --Pippin enters with a huge black and green spider. Dor runs over and gives Jumper a hug.-- AUTHOR: Now we continue. Assistants take your seats. --Pippin sits down next to Chris while Humfrey takes a seat next to Dor and Jumper.-- CHRIS: Alright Xander just told Xavier to build him an army worthy of "More-dirt". CHESTER: Strange request. LEGOLAS: You don't know the half of it. CHRIS: Script. PIPPIN: (waves the flamethrower) Or crispy? JUMPER: Uh, I won't ask. DOR: (nods) Good idea. AUTHOR: (growls) --Xavier sits in his study, looking uncomfortable. He shouldn't sit like that. It's bad on his back..........oh right, sorry. Two vampires enter looking out of place.-- VAMPIRE 799: What orders from "More-dirt", my lord? What does the High Wimp command? XANDER: HEY! XAVIER: We have work to do. --Vampire, Mummies, and Orcs, begin pulling down the trees.-- MERRY: Tree-beard is going to have a fit. --An orc screams as a large tree with long vines grabs it and eats it.-- IRENE: (grins innocently) PIPPIN: Since when did "Tanglers" grow in Middle Earth? DOR: Irene's talent is to make plants grow. CASSI: Interesting talent. CHRIS: Script! --Magneto is watching it all from the top of the tower. And probably laughing at the trees that are eating the orcs......-- ORC 835: The trees are strong, my lord. Their roots go deep. XAVIER: Rip them all down! --A "dogwood" tree starts growling and barking.-- CASSI: Another Xanth tree? MERRY: Uh........no comment. CHESTER: I see nothing odd. SPIKE: (eyes Chester and then the odd trees) I can see why. This set must seem normal to you. CHESTER: The Author is weird. BUFFY: Tell us something we didn't know. PIPPIN: Shoes grow on trees. SPIKE: No they don't. VAMPIRE 535: Then what's that? (points at a tree with shoes growing off of it.) CASSI: (walks over to the tree an picks a pair of heeled ankleboots.) I could get to like this place. DYLAN: Wow. AUTHOR: When did she get here? CASSI: While you were gone. PIPPIN: Can we continue? BUFFY: Why? MAGNEATO: Yeah, why? PIPPIN: Just follow the stupid script! DOR: Where is it going? SCRIPT: No where, you moron. And don't call me stupid, stupid! PIPPIN: (glares) MAGNEATO: (screams and drops his script) It's evil!! AUTHOR: Where is Crombie? TRENT: He had to run an errand. He'll be here. AUTHOR: Is he in Griffon form, right now? TRENT: Yes, Grundy is with him. CHESTER: You mean Birdbeak is coming? CROMBIE: Newsflash horse-rear. I'm here. GRUNDY: Took you long enough. SPIKE: Is he a brownie? AUTHOR: No, he's a Golem. GOLLUM: What is it? (makes his gollum noises in his throat) AUTHOR: Wrong kind of Golem. Grundy you won't have to translate. Crombie can speak english here. CROMBIE: (eyes the Author) You're in charge? CASSI: Du-uh! CHESTER: Birdbeak doesn't care for women. Except for his nymph wife. CROMBIE: Quiet Horse-rear! Before I put scars on your best feature. CHESTER: (glares) AUTHOR: Script! CHRIS: Alright, we can go to the Watch Tower Thingie place. THE WATCH TOWER THINGIE PLACE ******************************** ARDETH: (to Magneato, Wolvie, Ash, Boyo, Sara, and Bill.) This was once the great watchtower of. "Am-on-soul" We will rest here tonight. --They all make camp. Bill sits off to the side chewing on a large 'Milkbone'. Sara is polishing her claws. Ardeth un-wraps four small swords and passes them out to the X-Babies and Ash.-- ARDETH: These are for you. Keep them close. I'm going to have a look around. Stay here. AUTHOR: Alright, you scram, Ardeth. You're not in this scene. Go stay away until the Wraiths have attacked the camp. --Ardeth shrugs and walks off with Carter.-- CHRIS: Alright, Magneato go to sleep. --Magneato shrugs and lays down. An hour later he is awakened by Sara, Ash, Wolvie, Boyo, and Bill, sitting around a campfire singing and roasting marshmallows.-- SAM: I don't remember us singing. MAGNEATO: What are you doing? WOLVIE: We were warming up the fire so it wouldn't get cold. FIRE: Thanks, you're so considerate. SARA: I thought we were gonna use it to roast that little bucket head. --Magneato runs over and starts stomping out the fire.-- MAGNEATO: Put it out! Put it OUT!! --Magneato catches his foot on fire and starts screaming loud enough to wake the dead. A group of rotting zombies dance through holding their ears....or what's left of their ears. These are zombies after all.-- ALL: (stare) --The group next to the Watch Tower Thingie Place look up startled when they hear the scream of the Ringwraiths. They look over the edge to find five Ringwraiths approaching. Magneato pulls his sword. Bill hides behind a rock........a VERY BIG rock.-- MAGNEATO: (to the others) Go! --Magneato, Wolvie, Boyo, Ash, and Sara retreat to the center of the ruin. They all stand back to back, not knowing where the Wraiths will come from. The five Wraiths enter the ruins on foot. Their swords in hand.-- ASH: (runs forward) Back, you devils! --Ash tries to fight but is pushed aside. Sara in a fit of rage attacks the Wraith responsible, killing it........then she moves on to the next. Bill jumps in behind the X-Babies and roars. The four remaining Wraiths exchange a look and run terrified. The elves, hobbits, Aragorn, Gollum collapse to the floor in incoherent laughter.-- SARA: (looks down at the dead wraith.) I don't feel so good. (she passes out) ASH: (runs to her side) Don't die! Please don't die!(hugs Sara and begins sobbing) NICK: (worriedly) Is she gonna be alright? AUTHOR: Breaktime! --Aragorn hurries to Sara's side and pulls out some herbs. He burns them and waves the smoke in Sara's face. Then he murmurs several words in "Elvish". Sara sits up dazed.-- SARA: Whoa, remind me never to kill one of them again. AUTHOR: Someone needs to bring the Wraith back. --Medcrew slams and locks the door.-- AUTHOR: (sighs) Fine.(snaps fingers) --The Wraith stands up and sees Sara and Bill. Then he bolts off, frightened.-- GANDALF: You scared the Ringwraiths away. --Ardeth and Carter return..........and are probably mad because they missed out on all the action.-- CARTER: Wasn't the bucket-head supposed to be stabbed? --Wolvie picks up a small dagger that one of the wraiths dropped.-- WOLVIE: I'll take care of that. (stabs Magneato in the shoulder with the blade, then yanks it out and drops it.) --Magneato lets out a bloodcurdling, scream causing everyone on set to hold their ears, again.-- MORGUL BLADE: Oh, he's making my metal ring! ASH: (runs to Magneato) Magneato! MAGNEATO: (yelling) I'm gonna die!! (screams and moans more) --Ardeth and Carter hurry over to Magneato's side.-- ASH: Strider, Dr. Carter! Help him! ARDETH: (picks up the blade) MORGUL BLADE: Goodbye cruel world! (Dissolves into dust) ARDETH: He's been stabbed with a "More-Gull" blade. This is beyond my skill to heal. What do you think, John? CARTER: I don't know anything about helping bespelled dagger stabbed people...er... X-Babies. CASSI: He's not going to melt is he? AUTHOR: No, I've decided to make sure that doesn't happen. He needs to get to Rivendell. CARTER: What she said. ARDETH: He needs "Elvis" medicine. --Elrond, Angelus, and Wagner, dance through to the song, "Blue Suede Shoes".-- HUMFREY: What just happened? TRENT: They were dancing to "Elvis.". He wasn't a bad singer. AUTHOR: (gagging) That's a matter of opinion. ROMANO: We cracked Elrond. CASSI: I knew we'd get "The Rond" sooner or later. --Magneato screams again in pain.-- AUTHOR: We need to continue. SARA: (cradles Ash) Are you alright? ASH: Yeah, are you? You had me worried. NICK: Me too, if it wasn't for Mr. Aragorn. (starts crying dramatically) --Niles walks over and gives both Nick and Ash and oscar. Both take bows and grin.-- MAGNEATO: (lets out another scream) Hello?! I'm dying over here! WOLVIE: So die already. DOR: Back to the script. SCRIPT: Why? AUTHOR: We need to continue. Script don't talk until you're asked to. SCRIPT: (mutters obscenely) AUTHOR: (glares at it) CHRIS: Alright, Ardeth picks up Magneato, who is in a lot of pain......obviously, thanks to Wolvie. WOLVIE: (takes a bow and grins) ARDETH: Hang on, Magneato. ASH: (coughs and puts on a mock concerned face) It's six days to Rivendell! He'll never make it! (grins) MAGNEATO: (screaming) BIG ME!! Help me! Please get me away from these insane people, they're trying to kill me and take my ring! CHRIS: And we go to "Iss-an-guard". Tink you're up. TINKERBELL: Not a chance. I'm not playing a moth. AUTHOR: Trent turn Grundy into a small bird. --Trent does as he is told. Grundy as a small bird flies up to Magneto and lands on his hand. Magneto is at the top of "Iss-an-guard", Which is now barren.....except for a few Tangler trees.......Anyway, there are deep holes in the ground where, mummies, vampires, goblins, and orcs, mine and forge weapons and armor. Magneto whispers to Grundy and lets him go. Grundy flies through the maze below. Where Xavier oversees his latest project. A man covered with mud awakens an kills an orc......oh well, small loss there. Xavier smiles pleased and Grundy flies out of the maze below. Then we go to the other group.-- PIPPIN: Ardeth carries Magneato and they stop at the three stone trolls. ASH: Mr. Magneato? He's going cold! ARDETH: He is passing into the Shadow World. Soon he will become a Wraith like them. --The cry of the Ringwraiths is heard, nearby. Magneato makes an answering sound. Similiar to the Wraith's noise.-- BOYO: They're close. WOLVIE: You think if we give them, Ole Bucket head here, they'll leave us alone? PIPPIN: Only if you give them the ring and you're not allowed. WOLVIE: Rats! POUNCE: (looks around eager) Where?! Where rats?! I'm hungry! TUMBLE: I wanna be boingie. POUNCE&TUMBLE: (chanting) We want catnip, we want catnip.....etc. DOR: That furry stuff? AUTHOR: Different kind, Dor. DOR: Okay. IRENE: What would they do if they got it? MUNKU: (gives Pounce&Tumble a bag) This. --Pounce and Tumble consume the catnip and start running around the set yelling "Boingie" Yakko and Wakko join them. Jumper finding this exciting starts bouncing all over the place. On the walls, ceiling, and any other surface he can cling to.-- AUTHOR: (groans) --Romano pulls out a gun and shoots Munkustrap.-- CASSI: Thank you. (muttering) Stupid cat! --Luke stands to his feet and yells. Pounce and Tumble run to their seats terrified. Wakko and Yakko do the same. Jumper uses a dragline and drops down to his seat.-- LUKE: Thank-you.(sits down) VADER: I'm so proud. My baby's all grown up into a big Sith Lord. HAN&LEIA: (snicker) LUKE: (glares at them) KRISTI: You had that one coming. --Luke shrugs and pulls out a book to read.-- MAGNEATO: (screams yet again) I'm gonna die, and nobody cares! I'm too young to die. I still have to learn all my colors. And I have to learn to count to over ten. I'm gonna die. Please don't let me die! I'm too young to die. I'll be missing the best years of my life. SAM: (annoyed) Will you shut-up and die already? MAGNEATO: (screams again) ARDETH: (to Ash) Ash do you know the "Athletes plant"? CASSI: The what? ARAGORN: Athelas plant. ARDETH: Whatever. ASH: "Athletes"? ARAGORN: Athelas! ASH: Whatever. ARDETH: Kingsfoil. ASH: Kingsfoil? What's that? SAM: A weed. ASH: So what good will it do? ARDETH: The script says it may help slow the poison. SCRIPT: No, I didn't. The words did. WORDS: Did not, he did! DYLAN: Don't blow bubbles while standing on your head! CHESTER: While were warning people, don't let bird-beak open his mouth. CROMBIE: Yeah, well don't let horse-rear in you house he may leave a messy pile of *SQWACK* On the floor. GRUNDY: Yeah, he isn't housebroken.... --Chester pulls out his bow and arrow and fires an arrow at Crombie, who dodges and it misses.-- BINK: Interesting. You know I kinda missed this. HUMFREY: (mutters) Maybe you did. Bunch of bickering buffoons! CHARLIE X: Nah, the Buffoons live in The Shire. AUTHOR: Script! SCRIPT: What?!? AUTHOR: (bangs her head into the wall.) WALL: You shouldn't do that. You could hurt, yourself. CASSI: It was your idea to bring, Mr. Door on set. It's because of him that everything is talking. BACKSTAGE DOOR: You would not believe some of the stories I could tell you. MAGNEATO: (screams yet again) I'm gonna DIE! --Alright, Ash, Ardeth, Aragorn, and Carter, go and search for the plant.......and not the one that Xavier was using to talk to Xander. Anyway, Aragorn points it out to Ardeth. Ardeth starts to cut it lose and finds a sword to his throat.-- SARAH: What's this? A Med-jai, caught off his guard. IMHOTEP: Oh, the horror! ARDETH: (glares) JARETH: Sarah's an elf now? AUTHOR: Yep. --Magneato sees Sarah as she is from the Shadow World. A beautiful, glowing elf-maiden. In white robes.-- SARAH: I don't speak elvish. AUTHOR: We're calling it "Elvis" and you do now. SARAH: (in Elvis) Magneato, I am Sarah. I've come to help you. Hear my voice. Return to the light. SIR DIDYMUS: (loudly) Beware the darkside of yon "Farce". ALL WHO GET THE JOKE: (snicker) --Magneato's blue eyes are bloodshot and most of the veins in his body are visible.-- BOYO: Who is she? ASH: She's an elf. At least she is now. TEAZER: I wanna be an elf. AUTHOR: So do a lot of other people, now hush! SARAH: (to Ardeth) He's fading. He's not going to last. We have to get him to my father. --Aragorn pushes Ardeth aside and chews up some the kingsfoil and presses it into the wound. Magneato lets out another of his bloodcurdling screams.-- SARAH: I've been looking for you, for two days. There are five Wraiths behind you. Where the other four are, I do not know. WOLVIE: We were hoping he would die. --Ardeth lifts Magneato onto Fiddles..............Yes this is going to get very funny. As everything around Fiddles tends to become.-- FIDDLES: I'm the hero, again!(sticks his tongue out at Mulder) WOLVIE: I hope you drown him somewhere. BOYO: Yeah. SARA: Maybe, I could eat him. ASH: No, he's becoming a Wraith. You might get sick. SARA: Oh,......good point. I hadn't thought about that. ARDETH: I speak Elvish now? AUTHOR: (snaps fingers) Yes and it's "Elvis"! ARDETH: (in "Elvis") Stay with the others. I will send horses for you. FIDDLES: (in "Elvis") No way! The lady rides me! SPIKE: He's speaks elvish? AUTHOR: Gee, and elven horse, who was raised by elves, speaks elvish......DU-UH!!! BUFFY: (hands Spike an "I'm stupid"sign) Here's your sign. MAGNEATO: (whimpers) SARAH: (in "Elvis") I am the faster rider. I will take him. ARDETH: (in "Elvis") The road is too dangerous. FIDDLES: (in "Elvis") No, no, no, no! I will not carry him! I wanna take the lady, the baggage is irrelevant. MAGNEATO: (moaning) Stupid horse! WOLVIE: What are they saying? BOYO: Read the sub-titles on the screen over there, dummy! SARAH: (in "Elvis") If I can get across the river, the power of my people will protect him. I do not fear them. IMHOTEP: (gleeful) I get to drown them at the river! AUTHOR: They don't drown, although they do have hydrophobia. And from all my research on these guys. Sauron and the Wraiths were a bunch of morons. It was a stupid gamble that made them look smart. That, and the hobbits are all inbreeders. PIPPIN: HEY! AUTHOR: I don't mean you. I mean Sam and Merry, who both marry cousins. SAM: Rosie isn't my cousin. AUTHOR: (pulls out "Return of the King"and opens it to the appendix) Is too, it's all right here in your family tree. SAM: (looks at the book and turns red) MERRY: But, I'm not married. AUTHOR: Yeah well, when you do you marry a cousin, it's in the appendix. PIPPIN: What about me? AUTHOR: The person you marry, isn't even from the shire......or anywhere else around there. I think.............Anyway, it doesn't matter. We need to continue, before Magneato becomes a Wraith. Of course if Wolvie hadn't have stabbed him, we wouldn't be in this mess. WOLVIE: It was in the script! CHRIS: NOWHERE in the script does it say, that "Pippin picked up the discarded Wraith blade and stabbed Frodo with it." WOLVIE: Well he was supposed to be stabbed. CASSI: But not by you! You were supposed to be his cousin and a friend. --Wolvie runs for the bathroom covering his mouth, as he finds even being related to Magneato nauseating.-- MAGNEATO: (screaming) HELLO! I'm dying over here, could you stop talking and save my life? BOYO: Why would we want to do that? --Sarah rolls her eyes and gets on Fiddles, behind Magneato.-- ARDETH: Sarah, ride hard and don't look back. Fiddles don't stop until you've made it across that river. These creatures aren't acting, they're dangerous. --Fiddles takes off running and Wolvie returns.-- ASH: (yelling) What are you doing? Those Wraiths are still out there! WOLVIE: Good, maybe they'll get him. --Sarah and Magneato ride, chased by eight of the Ringwraiths.-- AUTHOR: Well at least we have and explanation to where the ninth one went. I've seen the movie seven times and I have counted only eight chasing them through the open field. Also, once we got the video, we paused it and counted. There is only eight! --The Wraiths try to influence Magneato, either to give into the poison or to put the ring on. Sarah gets scratched across the face by a treebranch. Fiddles starts taunting the Wraiths, who are probably distracted enough, as this is probably the first time they have seen a green horse.-- FIDDLES: HEY UGLY!! Bet you can't catch me! (sticks his tongue out and pulls several feet ahead of the Wraiths) MAGNEATO: (moans) SARAH: NO! Magneato, you must not! FIDDLES: Hang on little guy! Never fear, I will save the day! (lets out a loud bellowing roar that startles the Ringwraiths so badly they nearly fall off their horses) SARAH: (laughs) That'll teach you not to mess with a green insane horse. FIDDLES: (singing) I am going to save the day, the river is just around the way! We are flying fast as jays. Along this merry way! MAGNEATO: (moans and plugs his ears) SARAH: (starts singing with Fiddles) WRAITHS 1-8: (scream in annoyance) --The river comes into view. Fiddles lets out a loud "Tarzan" yell as his hooves leave the bank. They soar completely over the river and land in the grass on the other side. The Wraiths jolt to a halt at the rivers edge and stare along with everyone else on set, at Fiddles with amazement.-- FIDDLES: (sticks his tongue out) WRAITH 1: Give up the X-Baby, she-elf! SARAH: (draws her sword) FIDDLES: (rears up and roars) --The eight Wraiths look nervous. Not that I blame them. It takes time to get used to Fiddles. Heck, I created him, and I'M not used to him.-- SARAH: If you want him, come and claim him. --The Wraiths look at Fiddles and Sarah and then down at the water. They turn their horses around and retreat. Obviously, they learn from experience. Maybe, they do have a bit of brain left in their shriveled heads.-- IMHOTEP: NOT FAIR! I wanted to drown them. SARAH: We need to get Magneato healed before he fades. ELROND: I'll take him. (he takes Magneato and carries him to medlab) CASSI: I guess this scene is over. AUTHOR: YEP. BREAKTIME!!! --Several weeks later the Author and Cassi return.-- AUTHOR: (yelling) We're back! SPIKE: So we noticed. PIPPIN: Finally back to this spoof. ANGELUS: And Soulboy and me aren't one anymore. CHRIS: Let's get back to the script. DOR: Where is Julian? He is playing an elf. JULIAN: I am? LEGOLAS: Welcome to acting. AUTHOR: Is Mags better? ARWEN: My father took care of him. BUFFY: Those weirdos of yours found us treating such a bad wound, funny. AUTHOR: (gives Humfrey a dirty look) You obviously, weren't any help. HUMFREY: They never asked for help. GRUNDY: Gee, I wonder why, Gnome face! CROMBIE: Shut your big mouth, runt! GRUNDY: You're defending him?! AUTHOR: Why not? He is his father. DOR: (chokes on his drink) What?! CHESTER: Crombie is Humfrey's son? AUTHOR: Yep. Son of his fourth wife. SPIKE: FOUR!? How many wives has he had?! AUTHOR: It doesn't matter, back to the script. CHRIS: Yes. AUTHOR: Alright, Magneato wakes up after getting better. RIVENDELL**Magneatos' Room** *************************** --We go to a room with many openings to the outside. Leaves cover the floor.....If you ask me they need to fire their housecleaning crew, cuz it's obvious that they aren't doing their job. Ugh, just look at that mess!-- CASSI: Yes, it's a very BIG mess. It makes me want to grab a broom. AUTHOR: Most definitely. ELROND: We like it like that! RACHEL: What a bunch of slobs. DAWN: Oh yes. CORDAY: It's not as bad as your room. RACHEL: (glares) How would you know? You don't even live with me anymore! CHRIS: Hey! Break it up. No catfights allowed on set. Unless you are a cat and you have a fight scene coming up. BINK: They really don't look like cats. TRENT: How would you know? You've never seen one. BINK: Well I have.......sorta. CASSI: (glances at the cat-humans)Um AUTHOR: Well I have to admit, the Jellicles are in cat-human form and therefore don't look like cats. CASSI: He saw the ones when he was fighting Humfrey in the brain coral area. --Mystique glides over to Bink and begins flirting.-- MYSTIQUE: I can show you what a cat looks like. VOICE: (from door) And I can show you what a dead blue mutant looks like! --All on set turn to the door. A completely and absolutely ugly woman is standing in the door.-- MYSTIQUE: (glares) Who are you? BINK: (stands) That is my wife. Chameleon. DOR: Hello, Mom. SPIKE: She's ugly. AUTHOR: She's in her smart and ugly phase. In a few weeks she will be absolutely stunning .......and incredibly stupid. CASSI: So she was smart enough to find our set. Okay, she can stay. AUTHOR: Script! MAGNEATO'S ROOM**Take Two** ****************************** --Magneato wakes up in bed.-- MAGNEATO: Where am I? MAGNETO: On a bed. MAGNEATO: I know that! I meant where am I?!? WALL: On a bedbug. --The bed starts to move. Magneato screams and jumps three feet in the air and lands on the floor because the bed has moved. Well you have to keep your eye on bugs. They are very unpredictable. Well usually bedbugs don't move much. All the cast and Peanut Gallery minus Magneato laugh incoherently.-- CASSI: This is almost too funny. CHRIS: Another import from Xanth. AUTHOR: Back to the script. MAGNEATO: (pouting on the floor) Okay Fathead! Tell me where the script says I am. SCRIPT: I say you're on the floor. MAGNETO: (shrugs) You're on the floor. CASSI: I don't remember that in the movie. MAGNEATO: (screaming) I'm quitting! AUTHOR: (snaps fingers) --Magneato is now back on the bed. Which has returned to where it was. Don't we all love moving beds?-- AUTHOR: Happy? MAGNEATO: (sniffles) Is he gonna follow the script now? He's so mean! MAGNETO: (makes a face) Fine! AUTHOR: Good, script! MAGNEATO'S ROOM**Take Three** ************************************** MAGNEATO: Where am I? MAGNETO: You are in the house of Angelus, and it is Five in the afternoon on April the 10th, if you want to know. **That's when this was written. Today is Jan. 11th 2003* It's also five**WHAT?!** GANDALF: He changed it! AUTHOR: No he corrected the date and the time. MAGNEATO: (glaring at Magneto) Hi, FATHEAD! MAGNETO: Do I have to answer that? HUMFREY: Yes, Fathead. You also now owe me a year of service. MAGNETO: (glares) Why? HUMFREY: Because I answered your question, and now you owe me TWO years of service. ALL: (laugh) GRUNDY: Hey, FATHEADED METALMAN! You just asked the Good Magician the most stupidest questions ever. TRENT: (to Humfrey) You're going to make him pay two years for that? HUMFREY: Yes. SPIKE: How come you answered Trent for free? HUMFREY: Is that a question? SPIKE: No! (to Trent) Why didn’t' he? TRENT: I'm the King of Xanth. He can't. AUTHOR: Script! MAGNETO: (glares at Humfrey before cont.) Yes, I'm here and you are lucky to be here, too. A few more hours and you would have been beyond our aid, but you have some strength in you, dear X-Baby. MAGNEATO: What happened? Why didn't you meet us, Fathead? MAGNETO: (glares) I was hoping, if I waited long enough, you would die. WOLVIE: You too?! COOL!! AUTHOR: Trent? --Trent walks up to Magneto and grins. In seconds Magneto becomes a cherry tree.-- AUTHOR: Are those what I think they are? WOLVIE: He's a tree......a cherry tree. (makes a face) I HATE cherries! AUTHOR: (picks a cherry and throws it at Wolvie) Catch! --Wolvie starts to move back, but the cherry lands in front of him and explodes covering Wolvie with cherry juice.-- DOR: Ah, the ever popular cherry bombs. SPIKE: Bombs grow on trees? IRENE: Avoid the pineapples. They're worse. TRENT: Should I change him back now? AUTHOR: Yes. --Magneto is returned to normal and he glares at Trent, who smirks and returns to his seat.... What can we say? Never ever make this man mad.-- AUTHOR: Now back to the script. WOLVIE: (makes another face) Yuck!!(wipes the juice off of his face) CHRIS: We go back to "Iss-ann-guard" ISS-ANN-GUARD ************************ --Magneto is now back on the roof of the big ugly tower facing Xavier. Don't we just love the way these things jump all over the place? Yes I know get back to the story. If I don't get this typed Cassi's fans will strangle me, cuz, well she can't put up the next section of Forbidden Spoof until this section comes up.-- XAVIER: The friendship of Xavier is not lightly cast aside. One ill turn deserves another. MAGNETO: I already killed you once! XAVIER: Sorry Erik, nobody on this set stays dead for long. BUFFY: What about Harmony? CASSI: What about her? BUFFY: She's still dead. CASSI: She was dead to begin with. Vampires are dead, so is Spike. BUFFY: Okay, where is my yellow sign? I lost it. **Just an Authors note here. Cassi is complaining that she might have missed Romano's scene, since we forgot that "ER" is on at six. We missed half of it. Oh, well we did get to see Corday puke. She's pregnant. Season 7. Alright let's get back to you regularly sceduled spoof.**Another note.........she missed him** and was doing loud noisy sobs on the bed, I might add--Cassi^_^ STEVE: Clones stay dead. AUTHOR: SCRIPT!! XAVIER: It is over. Embrace the power if the Ring or embrace your own destruction. CASSI: Should we say, MAJOR "Star Wars", rip off? VADER: (nods)Definitely. AUTHOR: SCRIPT! MAGNETO: The Ring has but one master. Only the wimp may bend it to his will, and he doesn't share power. --Jumps off the edge of the ungly tower and lands on Ash's Pigiot, and they fly away.-- XAVIER: (yelling) You just wait! I'll get you and the twerps bird, TOO!! CASSI: I thought we were doing the Lord of Rings. This doesn't look like "OZ". AUTHOR: I HATE the "Wizard of Oz" So don't bring it up again. JULIAN: And I thought the other one was bad. PIPPIN: We don't care! We go back to Angelus' place. MAGNETO: This jumping around is annoying. IRENE: Then stop! You're too old to be jumping around. MAGNETO: (glares at Irene) AUTHOR: Let's continue. MAGNEATO: Fathead, what is it? MAGNETO: Nothing, Marblebrains. --Ash comes in with Sara and Angelus.-- ASH: *beep*! He's still alive. SARA: I was so hoping for grilled, X-Baby. CHAMELEON: (to Ash) Aren't you a little young to be using such language. AUTHOR: Yep, he's not part of the Adult Conspiracy, yet. SPIKE: There's an adult conspiracy? AUTHOR: The Adult Conspiracy to keep children ignorant of interesting things. DOR: It has to do with summoning the stork. JULIAN: (chokes on his drink) BUFFY: Stork? CROMBIE: So? What's the big deal? I'm sure you should know about it. TRENT: It's different in "Mon-day-need-ah" AUTHOR: Script! Forget the storks! Back to Rivendell. RIVENDELL**MAGNEATO'S ROOM** **************************************** MAGNETO: Sara and Ash have hardly left your side. Which accounts for the drool at the end of your bed. SARA: (does the "Wolvie pout") Why couldn't he just die? MAGNEATO: (screaming) I'M GONNA DIE!! SARA: (interested) Really? PIPPIN: (waves the flamethrower) Script or would you rather be crispy? It can be arranged. MAGNETO: Thanks to the skills of lord Angelus, you have begun to mend. MAGNEATO: Does that mean I'm a vampire? That would be cool! ANGELUS: No......welcome to Rivendell. Sorry about the mess, but the elves who normally live here are a bunch of slobs. MAGNEATO: So I noticed. You'd think they would know what a broom is. ELROND: That isn't funny! CASSI: No it's true! AUTHOR: AHEM! --Alright we are gonna skip everybody get reacquainted as we all know that they all hate Magneato the small bucket head guy with marbles instead of brains. What? Sure can tell my pain pills are kicking in. Ahhhhh the joy of no pain. Oh right, spoof. We go to Ash packing, as fast as he can. Hoping that if he gets it done fast enough, he'll get out of there before Magneato finds him. Not that I blame him. Unfortunately, he doesn't make it. -- ASH: Oh, figures. DOR: Script! SCRIPT: Ah, shut-up! DOR: (glares at his script) AUTHOR: Ahem. (holds up a lighter) SCRIPT: (horrified) No PLEASE DON'T!!! Im to young to die. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!! --Dor takes the lighter and burns the screaming script.-- AUTHOR: (satisfied) Now let's continue. ASH: (packing) Now what have I forgotten? SARA: Leaving before the little bucket gets here and makes us make the dumb journey. ASH: No it's something else. MERRY: Your sanity? ASH: (shrugs) It's in one of my pokeballs. HUMFREY: Script! ASH: Or what? You'll talk me to death? HUMFREY: Is that a question? Do you want the answer? ASH: (eyes Humfrey) No, the Author wouldn't have made you her assistant if you were helpless. HUMFREY: (nods) You are an intelligent young man, much more then some of your elders. You will succeed at what you wish to accomplish. GRUNDY: Is it just me? Or did the grumpy old gnome just give away free information! CROMBIE: Shut-up! BIG MOUTH! Or someone might throw a choke berry in it. GRUNDY: What's it to you, BIRDBEAK?! The Magician doesn't need your help, Birdbrain! CROMBIE:Ah, shut-up before someone steps on you! GRUNDY: You call that an insult? I though you were a soldier. You wouldn't know an insult from your *beep* CROMBIE: (lets out a long string of griffon squawks, causing all plants in hearing distance to wilt and die. Scortch marks are on the ground and on nearby rocks.) CASSI: Now that was an insult! GRUNDY: (is speechless) HUMFREY: Nice job. However, you killed the plants. CROMBIE: Oh well, they will recover. RUFIO&THE LOSTBOYS: (chanting) Crombie, Crombie, Crombie...... CHRIS: (walks over and gives Crombie an oscar) Your trophy for winning the insult war. CROMBIE: (takes the oscar and sticks his tongue out at Grundy) HUMFREY: Now, we go back to the script. AUTHOR: About time. ASH: Where were we? PIPPIN: Magneato's line. MAGNEATO: (to Ash) Packed already? ASH: Doesn't hurt to be prepared. MAGNEATO: I thought you wanted to see the "Elvis", Ash. SARA: Who would want to see "Elvis"? CHRIS: You know we have a script. It would be nice if you would follow it. ASH: These aren't "Elvis" They're blood-sucking vampires. Fiends. HUMFREY: Like the "Lunatics"? ASH: Now that you mention it. They are a bunch of lunatics. AUTHOR: Ash, he's talking about a species of tics. The luna-ticks are about the size of a persons fist. They drink blood and are hideous! BUFFY: I'm never visiting Xanth. CASSI: (snickers......**as she know's we are spoofing the Xanth books**) AUTHOR: Yeah, good idea. With your luck you'd probably end up drinking out of a lovespring and Spike would probably be the first guy you saw. And since mix-breeding happens in Xanth then you'll probably end up with a half vampire child. --Buffy runs for the bathroom covering her mouth.-- SPIKE: You mean there is a chance that vampires can reproduce in Xanth? TRENT: I would say so. Since the stork is the one who the delivers the babies. AUTHOR: Um, I hate to interrupt you, but I'd like to get to the Council of Angelus. HUMFREY: Good point. Let's continue. ASH: (sighs) I didn't want to come here! AUTHOR: I don't care! Sam wanted to see them, so therefore, you do also. ASH: (mutters something that kills a few plants, but does as he is told) I do. MAGNEATO: More than ANYTHING?! ASH: I did, but.......we did what we set off to do, didn't we? We got the Ring this far, to Rivendell, and seeing as it is obvious that you're not going to die and we can't just throw you into a ditch and leave you for coyotes and vultures to dispose of your body. I thought we'd be off soon. Off home. MAGNEATO: I'm not going anywhere with him! AUTHOR: AHEM! MAGNEATO: (shoots Ash a dirty look) You're right Ash. We did what Fathead wanted. The Ring will be safe in Rivendell. I am ready to go home. AUTHOR: (massaging her forehead) Aren't we all? DOR: That means it's breaktime, right? CASSI: Yep. DOR: (stands on his chair and yells)BREAKTIME!! --About an hour later.-- AUTHOR: Now back to the spoof. SPIKE: You only took an hour break? WOW! AUTHOR: Shut-up Spike! Now back script! --Magneto and Angelus are watching Magneato and Ash.-- ANGELUS: His strength returns. MAGNETO: That wound will never fully heal. He will carry it for the rest of his life. AUTHOR: Unless of course he gets a bit of water from a healing spring. SAM: A what? HUMFREY: Something found in Xanth. SAM: Do I owe you a year of service? HUMFREY: No. MAGNETO: That's not fair. JARETH: It never is. DOR: Let's continue. ANGELUS: Yet to have come so far still bearing the ring, the X-Baby has shown remarkable resilience to it's evil. MAGNETO: It is a burden he should never have had to bear. We can ask no more of Marblebrains. ANGELUS: (bursts out laughing) I can't do this! AUTHOR: If you two don't start acting correctly, I will bring in Humfrey's wife and have her LOOK at you! ANGELUS: So? BINK: Be far warned, her look has a certain stoniness to it. ANGELUS: Explain. GRUNDY: His wife is the Gorgon. MAGNETO: Crombie's mother has snakes for hair? HUMFREY: Crombie's mother was mundane. She was a sock-sorter from Mundania. The Gorgan's son is Hugo. SPIKE: So your wife turns people to stone with one look. How'd you escape? HUMFREY: If you want to hear the answer you'll have to serve a year, like everyone else who asks a question. SPIKE: Nevermind. PIPPIN: Back to the script! JULIAN: When's Jenny coming? CASSI: Whenever she gets here, it isn't our fault if she hasn't found Sven's spoofset room. AUTHOR: We need to get back to the script. RYAN: I'm getting bored. STEVE: Yeah, no one has snuck on set in awhile. CHRIS: She said SCRIPT! That means we continue, Steve go eat a clone or something. ANGELUS: Magneto, the enemy is moving. Xander's forces are massing in the East. The Evil Beady Eye is fixed on Rivendell. Now you tell me Xavier has betrayed us. Our list of allies grows thin. MAGNETO: His treachery goes deeper then you know. At "Fat-craft", Xavier has crossed orcs with goblin men and he's brought in the Scorpion King.. He is building an army in the caverns of "Iss-ann-guard". An army that can move in sunlight, and travel great distances at speed. Xavier is coming for the Ring. ANGELUS: This evil cannot be concealed by the power of the elves. We do not have the strength stand against "More-Dirt" and "Iss-Ann-Guard" both. The ring cannot stay here. --We switch to the courtyard where Angel rides up, followed by Spike in elf-gear. Then Logan walks in followed by several Jellicles in dwarf size. Then we go back to Angelus and Fat......oops, my mistake, Magneto.-- ANGELUS: This peril belongs to all Middle Earth, and they must decide now how to end it. The age of "Elvis" is over. My people are leaving these shores. Who will you turn to once we are gone? The dwarves hide in there mountains seeking riches and care not for the troubles of others. MAGNETO: We must place our hope in men. ANGELUS: MEN?! The race of men is weak, failing. The blood of "New-men-are" is all but spent, it's pride and dignity forgotten. It is because of men that the Ring survived. I was there, three thousand years ago, when Carter took the Ring. I was there when the strength of men failed. CHRIS: And we go into another flash-back. --Carter takes the ring.-- ANGELUS: Follow me! (then voice over) I led Carter into the heart of Mount Doom, where it was forged, the one place it could be destroyed. (to Carter) Throw it in the fire! Destroy it! CARTER: (shrugs) Alright. (tosses the ring) --Wagner bamfs in and catches it and then bamfs back to safety.-- WAGNER: (yelling) How dare you try to hurt Precious! AUTHOR: (gives Carter a brainduster) What are you trying to do? DESTROY it?! --Elrond smacks his hand to his head and groans.-- CARTER: (sheepish look) Sorry, but HE told me to! ANGELUS: Oh yeah, blame me! I was following the script! CARTER: Yeah, well I lost mine! AUTHOR: Forget it, let's just continue. Wagner return the Ring to Marble.......I mean Magneato. Now script! ANGELUS: It should have ended that day, but evil was allowed to endure. Carter kept the ring. CARTER: I did NOT! ANGELUS: Well you were supposed to. HUMFREY: ENOUGH! You are acting like children! ANGELUS&CARTER: So? HUMFREY: (grumbles, causing scorch marks to appear on nearby vegetation) Morons. (he takes a vial from his belt opens it and a huge book appears in his lap. He starts reading it.) AUTHOR: Let's continue. Ignore the grumpy old gnome. ANGELUS: The line of kings is broken. There is no strength left in the world of men. They are scattered, divided, leaderless. MAGNETO: There is one, who can unite them. Who could reclaim the throne of Gondor. ANGELUS: You want to put Ardeth in charge of a country? IMHOTEP: So much for Middle Earth. -- Ardeth glares, pulls out the same gun that Imhotep shot Ralph with in Jurrassic Spoof 2. He shoots Imhotep. Imhotep pulls the dart syringe out.-- AUTHOR: (alarmed) What was in that? IMHOTEP: (grins and staggers) CARTER: Morphine! CASSI: Not another one! --Imhotep laughs and joins Aragorn who obviously is still managing to get someone to give him morphine.-- AUTHOR: Who gave Aragorn MORE morphine? ROMANO: (shrugs) Maybe he injected himself. --As soon as the Author turns Romano dumps his doctors coat on the medical bag beside him, whistling innocently-- CASSI: (eyes Romano) Oh yeah, sure. That's a likely story. (rolls her eyes) JULIAN: Can I get some? AUTHOR: NO!! Now back to the script! --Merry drags Aragorn backstage...-- CHRIS: Alright we were talking about Ardeth. ANGELUS: Right! MAGNETO: Do we have too? PIPPIN: The scene is almost over. Deal with it! ANGELUS: He turned from that path long ago. He has chosen exile. RICK: Explains why he's a Med-Jai. --Ardeth threatens Rick, with the dart gun.-- AUTHOR: Don't even think about it. Ardeth get to your spot. HUMFREY: Right, so now we go to one of the cleaner rooms of Rivendell. ELROND: HEY!! HUMFREY: Oh shut up! CROMBIE:*squawks something that kills a few plants* GRUNDY: Ah, shut-up Birdbrain! CHESTER: Close that mouth of yours Grundy, or I will flatten you! GRUNDY: Oh, I'm really scared Horse-rear! Why don't you go find a field to graze in. CHESTER: (stomps his hoof and swats his tail) SPIKE: You really shouldn't make someone who can mash you flat, mad. DOR: This is Grundy. It would take a miracle to shut his mouth. GRUNDY: Ah, I hope you fall on your nose. DOR'S CHAIR: Oh, a threat. You're just scaring us all! AUTHOR: (screaming as they are giving her a terrible migraine) ENOUGH!!!! --She is greeted by dead silence.-- AUTHOR: (smiles) Thank-you. Now let's continue. CHRIS: Alright, Ardeth is off in the shadows reading a book.... --Ardeth is in the corner playing cards with Carter and Imhotep, obviously, they are planning on getting all of Imhotep's money while he's on morphine.-- AUTHOR: Ahem! --Carter drags Imhotep out of the room and Ardeth pulls out a book.-- CASSI: HEY!! --Cassi walks over and snatches her book away from Ardeth and stomps back to her seat.-- ARDETH: Now what do I read? DOR: How about the script? ARDETH: (does the "Wolvie pout") --The Author makes a face and tosses Ardeth, a orange and yellow colored book.-- AUTHOR: Enjoy, try not to laugh to hard. HUMFREY: I saw that.......I knew those texts were leaking out! AUTHOR: SCRIPT!! CHRIS: Alright, NOW Ardeth is in the shadows reading a book. Angel walks in, he sees the broken sword laying on a shelf. Ardeth ignores him. ANGEL: The shards of "Nar-Seal". That stupid sword that Carter used to cut the wimp's finger off. XANDER: (growls) --Angel lifts the bottom part and slides his finger along the edge cutting his finger.-- ANGEL: (swears in Gaelic) --Several plants nearby turn white and shrivel up.-- ARDETH: (without removing his eyes from the book) You killed the plants. GRUNDY: Not bad for a mundane. ANGEL: (glares at Grundy) DOR: SCRIPT!! ANGEl: It's still sharp.....du-uh. Carter used it what? A month ago? But it is no more than a broken heirloom. --Angel tosses the sword in the general area it was supposed to be and the hilt clatters to the floor. Angel shrugs and walks out. Ardeth stands and replaces the sword while still reading.-- SARAH: Is he going to put that book down? AUTHOR: Ardeth? ARDETH: (sighs and dogears the page) Satisfied? SARAH: Why do you fear the past? You are Carter's heir, not Carter himself. ARDETH: Does that mean I get a share of his money? CARTER: (from backstage) Don't worry! Gamma said she put you on the will. MURDOC: That isn't fair! BENTON: I second that! ROMANO: (to Carter) Thanks for buying me that new car. BENTON: That is SO wrong! AUTHOR: HEY I want a new car!! CASSI: Aunt Anita just bought you one. ALL: (stare at the Author) AUTHOR: (grins) What? But it wasn't new! It was used! CHRIS: Forget the cars, we need to continue! HUMFREY: Yes! Besides if you want money so badly just have Irene grow you a treasure vine. --Within seconds Irene is surrounded by everyone on set who wants money.-- TRENT: My daughter seems to have made friends. --Irene stands and pulls out a small pouch. She reaches her hand in and pulls out a seed. She throws it and yells "grow." A vine begins growing. Gold coins, jewels, paper money, and a whole lot of other things start sprouting. The poor vine is promptly surrounded and stripped.-- GRUNDY: Looks like you made friends without showing off your legs. IRENE: (threatens to kick Grundy) --Since everyone is busy with the vine. The Author, Cassi, and all the Assistants hurry into the Greenroom. Jigglypuff walks into the room.-- JIGGLYPUFF: (holding a megaphone) Jigglypuff! ASH: ACK!! --Jiggly starts singing, everyone falls asleep. Author and Cassi applaud from the Greenroom. Jiggly smiles and leaves the set. Author, Cassi and the assistants start coloring on everyone's faces. Humfrey hurries over and colors on Grundy's face with a magical black permanant marker.-- CASSI: I think we cracked the Good Magician. AUTHOR: I noticed. JUMPER: Why did they all fall asleep? AUTHOR: Jiggly has that effect on some. DOR: I'm surprised Grundy fell asleep. AUTHOR: We made him. JUMPER: (about Jiggly) She has a beautiful voice. MEOWTH: (smiling) Yeah, she does. DOR: The cat is still awake. CASSI: Jiggly's boyfriend. JULIAN: Can we get something to eat? CHRIS: Yeah, we got time before these guys wakeup. --The Author, Cassi, the assistants, Jumper, and Meowth exit talking.-- 2 HOURS LATER ************** --All who left re-enter.-- CASSI: The look on the waitress' face was hilarious. CHRIS: Oh, yeah. When she saw Jumper, she freaked. IRENE: (stomps over to Dor) WHAT HAPPENED?!? I demand to know why my face is colored on?!? My face is GREEN! DOR: So is your hair.....now you match. GRUNDY: What happened? HUMFREY: You met Jigglypuff. SPIKE: Jiggly doesn't have anymore permanent markers. Especially NOT colored ones! GRUNDY: How come BIRDBRAIN was missed? CASSI: Maybe Jiggly doesn't color on feathers. DYLAN: She missed me.....(begins sobbing) SHE DOESN'T LOVE ME!!! MERRY: Did I miss something? AUTHOR: Shall we continue? --A green permanent marker falls out of Dor's pocket.-- IRENE: (glares) What is THAT? MARKER: I'm a marker and he colored me all over your face! IRENE: Dor, I'm gonna kill you! DOR: Um... AUTHOR: You can't. He's my assistant and therefore is immune to death. IRENE: (smiles) In that case. (pulls out a seed and drops it at Dor's feet) GROW! --A huge tangler sprouts out of the ground, and promptly grabs Dor.-- DOR: (screaming) I'M SORRY!! Someone HELP, please? --All watch, fascinated as the tree drags Dor to it's mouth. Bink hurries forward and grabs Dor. As if by coincidence, a wooden beam from the rafters falls down and smashes the tangler.-- IRENE: NOT FAIR! TRENT: Now the question is was it Bink's talent that saved him or was it because Dor is the Author's assistant? AUTHOR: Binks's talent. I hadn't thought about our assistants being eaten by a plant. They're not immune to that. Now let's continue. --The Author snaps her fingers and everyone is clean with the exception of Grundy.-- GRUNDY: What about me? AUTHOR: (surprised) Interesting. I guess whoever colored on you, used a spelled marker.... GRUNDY: (glares a Humfrey) Why do I think I know who did it? CHRIS: Let's continue. And Trent? Turn Grundy into a normal sized human so he can wash his face. --Trent does as he is told and Grundy stomps off the bathroom.-- AUTHOR: Alright, let's start the romantic scene over. Ardeth put the book away. ARDETH: But it's at a good part! AUTHOR: What part? ARDETH: The Gap Chasm. CHRIS: Who cares? We have a spoof to continue. ARDETH: (mutters something in Arabic and puts the book in one of his pockets) Alright, we can continue. AUTHOR: About time. Ardeth go stand next to the broken sword display and Sarah your up. SARA: Huh? CHRIS: Not you, the human Sarah who came with the Goblin King. Now script! SARAH: Why do you fear the past? You are Carter's heir, not Carter himself. You are not bound to is fate. ARDETH: The same blood flows in my veins, the same (pause) Wait a second! Carter threw the ring away twice! How does that constitute as a weakness? AUTHOR: (groans and swallows a pain pill) Carter messed it up. ARDETH: Oh, okay. Well whatever. SARAH: Your time will come. You will face the same evil and you will defeat it. The shadow does not yet hold sway. Not over you, not over me. Do you remember the first time we met? ARDETH: Was that in The Vampire Mummy or Musketeers? AUTHOR: ARG!! IRENE: You are making her mad. That was a double point exclamation. SPIKE: Seek help. DOR: She doesn't need help. She's bad enough already! IRENE: (glares) You are going to die! AUTHOR: Not during the spoof. At least wait for a break. CASSI: (snickers) JULIAN: How soon are we going to get the "Council of Angelus"? SPIKE: (makes a face) Council of Angelus? GAG! AUTHOR: SCRIPT NOW!! --Ardeth is back to reading the book and Sarah is with Jareth.-- CHRIS: Hey! Script now or I'll let the runt fry you! PIPPIN: (wakes the flamethrower) ARDETH: Fine! SARAH: (groans and rejoins Ardeth) JARETH: Could I stand in? CASSI: NO! JARETH: (glares at Ardeth) ARDETH: This wasn't my idea! I already have a wife. JARETH: (sits down satisfied) CHRIS: Now we continue. ARDETH: Do I have to? AUTHOR: (bangs her head into the wall, yet AGAIN) CASSI: Just get it over with! ARDETH: (sigh but complies) I thought I had strayed into a dream. GRUNDY: (now small again) I'm gonna puke here! ARWEN: (shoves him off the chair) SARAH: Long years have passed since then. You did not have the cares you carry now. Do you remember what I told you? ELROND: (under his breath) Does it matter what she told him? I told him he couldn't marry her until he was King. ARWEN: (glares at Elrond) ARDETH:(ignores them) You said you would bind yourself to me, and forsake the immortal life of your people. SPIKE: What a rip off! ARWEN: (grabs a crossbow and fires at Spike hitting him in the shoulder.) SPIKE: (yanks it out and glares) You don't have to take it personal! Now I have to change my shirt! BUFFY: Shut-up Spike! You're being a *beep*(scorch marks appear nearby) AUTHOR:Watch the language. BUFFY: Sorry. SARAH: (glaring) Do you mind? We are acting here! AUTHOR: So act already! SARAH: And to that I hold. I would rather share one lifetime with you than face all the ages of the world alone. I chose a mortal life. --Sarah gives Ardeth a flower necklace, that she was wearing.-- CHRIS: That looks fake. AUTHOR: You think Aragorn or Arwen would give us the real one? Of course it's fake! ARDETH: You cannot give me this. JULIAN: Doesn't match your eyes anyway. ARDETH: (glares) AUTHOR: Quiet Shadowboy! JULIAN: (glares) CHRIS: Script! SARAH: It is mine to give to whom I will, like my heart. AUTHOR: Skip the kissing. SARAH: (sighs relieved) HUMFREY: And now we go to "The Council of Angelus." COUNCIL OF ANGELUS ********************* --Jenny arrives on set. Just as Julian joins the "Elvis'" He is dressed like an elf. Jenny stares open-mouthed.-- CHRIS: Go sit down. DOR: Yeah, we have to continue. --Jenny takes a seat still staring at Julian.-- AUTHOR: Okay, everyone to your places. --The er....."Council Members" take their seats. A few real elves are mixed in with the spoof elves.-- ANGELUS: (stands) Strangers from distant lands friends of old. You are summoned here to answer the threat of "More-Dirt" ALL COUNCIL MEMBERS: (break into incoherent laughter.) AUTHOR: Ahem! COUNCIL OF ANGELUS*Take Two* **************************** ANGELUS:(starts over) Strangers from distant lands, friends of old. You are summoned here to answer the threat of "More-Dirt".......... --Several snickers come from the "Council Members" Angelus ignores them and continues.-- ANGELUS: Middle Earth stands of the brink of destruction. You will unite or you will fall. Each race is bound to this fate, this one doom...... GRUNDY: We're screwed. AUTHOR: Shut up BUG! GRUNDY: I'm not a bug. AUTHOR: Yes, and you're not really a jerk either. You just pretend to be. Now shut-up! ANGELUS: Bring forth the Ring, Marblebrains! MAGNEATO: (glares) NO! ANGELUS: NOW! Or I'll have you for lunch. MAGNEATO: You didn't say the magic word, Noodle-nose! ANGELUS: (glares) AUTHOR: Script! MAGNEATO: He didn't say "Please". ANGELUS: (grinds his teeth) Please? MAGNEATO: (shakes his head) NICELY! ANGELUS: PLEASE, bring forth the Ring, Magneato? --Magneato nods and places the ring on a cement table at the center. Then he returns to his seat. Just as Dot and her tour group walk in.-- DOT: And here we have a SECRET council meeting. Which obviously, isn't very secret. --Jawa tourists, ooh and ahh as well as take pictures. Then they take a seat off to the side lines. Candy, hotdogs, and popcorn are handed out.-- DOT: And now we get to see how a secret meeting is conducted. JULIAN: Tell me. Did this happen at the real one? AUTHOR: NO! LEGOLAS: Which was a rip-off. (takes a hotdog and popcorn) AUTHOR: Script! ANGEL: (rolls his eyes) So it is true. WAKKO: What's true? ANGEL: Don't you start. WAKKO: Start what? ANGEL: (glares) AUTHOR: Script. Mr Angel. ANGEL: (stands) It is a gift, a gift to the foes of "More-Dirt" (laughs) CHRIS: You wanna do that without laughing? ANGEL: Oh, come on. How can we be afraid of anything Xander is in control of. We could easily use it. I don't see why we have to be afraid if the Evil Wimp Xander or his stupid ring! ELROND: He reminds me of Boromir. AUTHOR: Angel, no ad-libbing. Get it right. ANGEL: Fine! It is a gift, a gift to the foes of "More-Dirt"! Why not use this ring? Long has my father, the Steward of Gondor, kept the forces of "More-Dirt" at bay. By the blood of my people are your lands kept safe. Give Gondor the weapon of the enemy. Let us use it against him. ARDETH: You cannot wield it! None of us can. The ring answers to Xander alone. It has no other master. WILLOW: Poor Ring. RING: You said it, toots! ALL: (stare) RING: What? Wha'd did I say? AUTHOR: Script! ANGEL: What would a Med-Jai know of this matter? CARTER: (sitting beside Ardeth) Obviously, a lot more then you. CASSI: I don't remember Isilder being at the council. SPIKE: (to Angel) He is no mere Med-Jai, Peaches. This is Ardeth son of (pause) Gaerity? Since when? CASSI: In a future spoof. RYAN: Does that mean the treasure from Cutthroat was mine? CASSI: Well yeah....... RYAN: Then I want it back! AUTHOR: I'll have Irene grow you a dollar tree. Forget the treasure. Now script! SPIKE: Right, this is Ardeth son of Gaerity. You owe him your allegiance. MURDOC: And if you don't give your allegiance, his dad will blow you up. RYAN: (grins) ANGEL: (scoffs) THIS is Carter's heir? SPIKE: No *beep*, Sherlock. Kind of a no-brainer since they mentioned it earlier. PIPPIN: SCRIPT BUG! SPIKE: (growls) And heir to the throne of Gondor. ARDETH: (in"Elvis") Sit down, Spike. SPIKE: Huh? CASSI: Read the subtitles dummy! SPIKE: But I wasn't standing..... DOR: Get it right. RING: Yeah, you moron. SPIKE: What did you call me? RING: I called you a moron, MORON! AUTHOR: Script! ANGEL: Gondor has no king. Gondor needs no king. ARDETH: Okay, then. (stands and waves, and starts to walk away.) CHRIS: Get back to your seat. (turns to Magneto) Fathead, you're up. MAGNETO: (glares but complies)Ardeth is right. We cannot control it. RING:*Beep* straight! AUTHOR: Ahem! RING: Oh, sorry. ANGELUS: We have but one choice. The Ring must be destroyed. RING: Oh Yeah? Say it to my face you vampire, pointy eared freak! LOGAN: What are we waiting for? --Logan picks up his adamantium axe and slams it down on the ring. The axe shatters to pieces and Logan lands on the ground.-- RING: Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah! You can't kill me. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! You will NEVER destroy me. I will RULE the world! HUMFREY: Shut-up! ANGELUS: The Ring cannot be destroyed, Logan Wolverine, by any craft that we here posses. It was made in the fires of Mount Doom. Only there can it be unmade. It must be taken deep into "More-Dirt", and cast into the fiery chasm from which it came. One of you must do this. RING: Not a chance, I'll come back. I will have my revenge. I am the evil one! And I WILL win! (laughs evily) FRODO: It's talking! GOLLUM: It always spoke, to us. My Precious, yes we did, didn't we Precious? RING: GOLLUM!!! Ole buddy, I thought for sure you were dead! AUTHOR: (yelling)QUIET! SAM: You've done it this time. RING: Oh shut-up! You terrible, mean, nasty hobbit! ROMANO: (fires a shot in the air) --SILENCE--- AUTHOR: Now we can continue. Angel? ANGEL: One does not simply walk into "More-Dirt" ARWEN: No that would be bad! You might fall and hurt yourself, or worse, you might get dirty. IRENE: Oh yes, must never walk into "More-Dirt". ANGELUS: Um. CYKE: (screaming) MONSTER!(runs through) --A pride of ant-lions run after him.-- BUFFY: Those ants had lion heads. DOR: Ant-lions. DAWN: Those were neat. GRUNDY: You should see the dragon flies. BINK: Um, the Author is getting mad. ARDETH: Yeah, but I'm having plenty of time to read. JOHN: Script. CASSI: HEY! You're my assistant. JOHN: Sorry, reflex. DOR: Let me do this. (pulls out megaphone) Script or I'll have all the inanamate on set telling all your dirty secrets! --SILENCE-- AUTHOR:(grins) That's why he's my assistant. JUMPER: I could always threaten to string them up in my silk. AUTHOR: No, Dor's threat was fine. Angel continue. ANGEL: It's black gates are guarded by more than orcs. There is evil there that does not sleep, and the beady eye is ever watchful. RING: Stop, you're scaring me! Don't make me go to the evil wimp! (starts sobbing) CASSI: The Ring is going for an Oscar. CHRIS: Script! ANGEL: It is a barren wasteland, riddled with fire, ash , and dust. The very air you breathe is a poisonous fume. It is folly. Not with ten thousand men could you do this. RING: Well good. I didn't want to go there anyway. I'll stay with Gollum. At least he's my friend. GOLLUM: Yes Precious. We wants you, yes we do. FIDDLES: Well you'll have to wait. GOLLUM: Evil horse! FIDDLES: (screams) Where evil horse? AHH (runs around screaming) Evil horse, evil horse! Somebody save me! AUTHOR: I give up! PIPPIN: (waves the flamethrower) Script! Now.(hands the flamethrower to Chris) Or Chris will fry you. CHRIS: (grins)Yep. SPIKE: Have you heard nothing that Lord Peaches has said? The Ring must be destroyed. RING: I'd like to see you try. Mr. Bad hair day. LOGAN: (to Spike) And I suppose you think you're the one to do it?! ANGEL: And what if we fail? What happens with Xander takes back what is his? RING: (still weeping) I don't wanna go to Xander! PLEASE, don't send me to him. LOGAN: I will be dead before I see the Ring in the hands of a vampire! NEVER trust a vampire! BUFFY: Good idea, dear. SPIKE: (glares) --Everyone starts fighting while the Ring, now finished sobbing, starts doing it's usual mischief of making everyone mad.-- RING: (Yelling) FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT! --Magneato glares at everyone fighting, then he eyes the ring. He runs forward, grabs the ring and jumps on the cement table. He holds the ring up.-- MAGNEATO: (yelling) I WILL RULE THE WORLD!! --All stop fighting and stare. Pippin bolts through, grabs the Ring and puts it on. He promptly, vanishes form sight.-- PIPPIN: NO! I will rule the world! GANDALF: Pippin, you must not use the ring! --The sound of the Ringwraiths is heard.-- FRODO: PIPPIN! MERRY: (from backstage)Huh? What's happened to Pip? --Pippin slams into Merry and gives him the Ring.-- PIPPIN: TAG, you're it! --All nine Ringwraiths run on set. Merry looks down at the Ring in his hand and screams.-- RING: RUN DUMMY! --Merry runs with the Wraiths following. One Wraith has the pink spray paint on it's back. An elf sees it, shrugs, and kicks him. The Wraith turns and hisses at him.-- MERRY: (screaming) HELP! PIPPIN: TAG SOMEONE! --Merry tosses the Ring to Spike. Spike sees the Wraiths headed for him and runs. He hands it to Logan who dashes past the Wraiths.-- LOGAN: (taunting) You can't get me! RING: (yelling) You TELL um. Stupid dumb Ringwraiths! LOGAN: (gives the ring to Legolas)Tag, you're it! LEGOLAS: (freezes for an second and then bolts.) ARAGORN: What is going on? CASSI: Monkey in the middle and tag. LEGOLAS: (tosses the ring to Dawn) Catch! DAWN: Way COOL!(puts on the ring and vanishes) You can't get me! --The Wraiths run in circles trying to catch Dawn. While, every so often an elf kicks the Wraith with the "kick me" sign on it's back.-- BUFFY: TAG ME! TAG ME! --Dawn reappears and tosses th Ring to Buffy, who takes off running.-- ARDETH: TAG ME! --Buffy tosses the Ring to Ardeth.-- ARDETH: Carter catch! --Carter at the other side catches the Ring. The Wraiths run in his direction and he tosses it back to Ardeth.-- FRODO: HEY give! --Ardeth throws the Ring to Frodo.-- FRODO: You'll never catch me! LOSERS! You didn't get me before, you won't now! JULIAN: Hey, TAG ME! I want to play! --Frodo throws the Ring to Julian. Julian puts the Ring on and vanishes.-- JULIAN: This is COOL. Wow, (pause) ACK BEADY EYE!! --Julian yanks the Ring off just as a Wraith jumps him. The Ring flies one way and Julian flies the other. Julian lands in Jenny's lap. While the Ring lands in Elrond's.-- ELROND: ACK! (jumps three feet into the air) --The Ring goes flying. Gollum catches it.-- GOLLUM: Mine, all mine. Precious is ours! CREEPYCRAWLER: (grabs the ring) Hey Ringy! Fetch Ringy! --The Wraiths run toward Creepy, just as they reach him, he bamfs. This happens about five hundred times. Suddenly, the Ringwraiths come to a stop. Then they throw down their swords and stomp off set.-- CREEPY: Was it something I said? ELROND: (amazed) You got rid of the Ringwraiths. CASSI: No, we cracked them. SPIKE: Didn't Jenny say she wasn't interested in Julian? CASSI: Why? SPIKE: (points) --Julian is in Jenny's lap and they are kissing.-- CASSI: I knew she liked him! HUMFREY: Back to your seats. --Everyone moves back to their seats except Julian, and Creepy, who is seated in the middle of the council with the Ring in his hand.-- CHRIS: (to Julian&Jenny) HEY LOVEBIRDS! Break it up! JULIAN: (goes back to his own seat) JENNY: (stares after him, entranced) AUTHOR: (frowns) Where is Pippin? CHRIS: He went backstage with Merry, Sam, and Aragorn. Maybe they went to get food. AUTHOR: Alright let's continue. Creepy set the Ring down and go to your seat. You did a nice job. LEGOLAS: Why didn't we try this to get rid of the Ringwraiths before? GANDALF: (angry) Probably because we didn't want too many people handling the Ring. RING: Oh shut-up. You old foggie, I'm still mad at you and Fathead for trying to burn my butt! GOLLUM: (woefully) Poor Precious, nasty human shouldn't hurt Precious. We loves Precious, yes we do. RING: Aw, I love you too, Old Buddy. HUMFREY: I'm gettin nauseated. GRUNDY: I need a barf bag. TIMMY: (looks at Grundy) Hey a compy sized snack! GRUNDY: Don't even think about it you overgrown lizard! TIMMY: What did you call me? RING: He called you an overgrown lizard, you wingless naked bird. You look like a hairless chicken you piece of cow dung. TIMMY: (glares at the Ring) I'm gonna eat you. You nearsighted gold band. RING: Oh yeah? Try, I'll give you indigestion you overgrown rat! LOST BOYS: Insult WAR!! AUTHOR: NO! SCRIPT! NOW! RING: Sorry. TIMMY: You are not! HUMFREY: Why don' t you take it out on the one who started it. --All look accusingly at Grundy, even if it really was Timmy. We always blame the more annoying one.-- HUMFREY: I'll take care of him. (opens a bottle and mutters a few words. Grundy vanishes) TIMMY: What did you do? HUMFREY: (holds up the bottle) I put him away.(pockets it) AUTHOR: Thank you. Now let's continue. --Creepy sets the Ring down and returns to his seat.-- DOR: Alright we start up with when Magneato says he'll take the Ring. MAGNEATO: (stands) I will take the Ring. DOR: You can do better then that. MAGNEATO: (whips out the megaphone) I WILL TAKE THE RING! --Magneto rubs his ear in pain. Everyone else stares at Magneato as if he had sprouted an extra ear. Which he has........WHAT?-- TRENT: The Zombie Master, Millie and their children have arrived. --The ear on Magneato's face disappears.-- AUTHOR: Everyone, I'd like you to meet Jonathan the Zombie Master , his wife Millie, and their two children Lacuna and Hiatus. --All the men on set stare at Millie, except Julian. Including the married ones.-- AUTHOR: Oh yeah, I must warn you. Millie's talent is sex appeal. But if you touch her, the Zombie Master will bring in one of his zombies and have them rot all over you. --All men turn away. The Zombie Master, Millie and their children take a seat with the Xanth crew-- AUTHOR: Magneato, continue please. MAGNEATO: I will take the ring to "More-Dirt" RING: That won't be hard. ZOMBIE MASTER: Nope. DOR:SCRIPT! MAGNEATO: (continues) Though I don't know the way. RING: I hope you get lost. MARBLEBRAINS! MAGNEATO: (glares) MERRY: (runs through screaming) MONSTER!!(exits) SPIKE: Huh? --Suddenly several large mosquitos fly through. One buzzes toward the Author. There is a loud chomp as the snap-dragon plant swallows it whole. Another one buzzes up to Cassi. She glares at it and it buzzes on after Merry.-- SPIKE: What was that? AUTHOR: (quotes) A tiny bite can make you itch, make you sneeze, make you twitch. BUFFY: Where have I heard that before? ROMANO: Jumanji. MERRY: (comes back through) I lost them. AUTHOR: Merry, what happened? MERRY: Nothing. (hurries backstage) AUTHOR: (shrugs) Alright, let's continue. SPIKE: That's it? You aren't going to scold him? AUTHOR: Why bother? He'll learn his lesson soon enough. Let's continue..... --Two monkeys come riding through on a speeder bike.-- CHRIS: Alright, script! MAGNETO: Do we have to go with the runt? CHRIS: Yes. MAGNETO: (walks up to Magneato) I will help you bear this warthog as long as you.....wait! My script changed! MILLIE: LACUNA! LACUNA: What? MILLIE: Behave. LACUNA: Sorry. MAGNETO: I will help you bear this burden for as long as it is yours to bear. ARDETH: If by my life or my death I can protect you, I will. --Ardeth kneels in front of Magneato.-- ARDETH: You have my sword (pause) and Carter's skill as a doctor. CASSI: Uh.... --Carter joins Ardeth.-- SPIKE: And my bow, or fangs. LOGAN: And my claws. The axe is toast. ANGEL: You carry the fate of us all, little one. But if this is truly the will of the council, Gondor will see it done. --Ash runs in with Sara.-- ASH: Here! Mr. Magneato's not going anywhere without us. ANGELUS: Indeed, it is hardly possible to separate the three of you, even with he is summoned to a secret council and you are not. Very well. --Ash and Sara smack hands and grin.-- CASSI: The same can be said about Ardeth and Carter. CARTER: HEY! AUTHOR: Script! --Boyo and Wolvie exchange a look from where they are hiding and barge in. Angelus throws his arms up in disgust as the Jawa tourists take pictures.-- BOYO: We're going, too! You'd have to send us home tied up in a sack to keep us away. WOLVIE: Anyway, you need people of intelligence on this sort of mission.......quest...thing. BOYO: Well, that rules you our, Wolvie. --Wolvie starts to agree than he realizes what Boyo had said. Then he growls.-- WOLVIE: I'm gonna kick your butt! BOYO: I'd like to see you try. WOLVIE: (snickt) BOYO: (bolts)You can't catch me! --Wolvie chases after him.-- SPIKE: Well that was different! Okay Part two and here's what was too long to go into the first section! ________________________________________________ --Pippin bolts onto set. He grabs a gun from Murdoc, just as a lion runs in.-- ROMANO: Interesting, if only the "ER" was this entertaining. --Pippin fires several shots in the lion's direction and the lion runs off. Pippin returns the gun to Murdoc.-- AUTHOR: Enjoying your game? PIPPIN: This is GREAT! I love this game! CASSI: He is most definitely an "Insano" --Pippin grins and hurries backstage.-- AUTHOR: Wolvie, Boyo, get back to your places before that lion Pippin let out of that game, comes after you! JENNY: Where do all these dangerous games come from? JULIAN: You have to ask? (grins) --Wolvie and Boyo run to their places. It is so nice having people doing what their told, isn't it? Oh right I'm supposed to be typing spoof. Sorry pain pills haven't kicked in yet.-- DOR: Continue Peaches, oh sorry, Angelus. SPIKE: (snickers) ANGELUS: (glares) HUMFREY: SCRIPT! ANGELUS: Nine......um....er....eleven companions. So be it, you shall be the Fellowship of the Ring. RING: You mean they are all my friends? WOLVIE: NO! RING: (starts weeping again!) Nobody loves me! GOLLUM: WE loves precious, yes we do. AUTHOR: Script! WOLVIE: Great, now where are we going? ALL: (stare at Wolvie as if he's insane......and knowing our set, he probably is.) CHRIS: And we finally finish the "Council". ALL: (cheer) AUTHOR: Oh, come on! It wasn't THAT bad! CASSI: I thought it was fun myself. If they had done this in the movie, I'd have bought another copy. AUTHOR: We have two copies. CASSI: One's a DVD. With extra scenes that didn't make it in this spoof. ROMANO: Which we are very grateful for, otherwise it would have been longer. AUTHOR: Let's continue. Before I get bored and shoot someone. CHRIS: And she means it too. AUTHOR: Now we need "Sting" and the mithril armor... CASSI: Which is made out of female moths. AUTHOR: (laughs) ROMANO: Seek help...both of you. CASSI: HEY! Everyone knows that a "Myth" is a female moth. ROMANO: Okay, somebody call Psyche and get them down here. CYKE: I'm Cthyke, what do you want? ROMANO: A gun, I'm going to shoot myself. BENTON: NO, let me! CASSI: Try it, and I'll have Sven shoot you. She likes to kill people. Besides she wants to be in the top five on killing. AUTHOR: (grins like a maniac) CHRIS: Alright.........."Fra-do" We need the sword and the armor made out of female moths. FRODO: Ask Sam to get it. CHRIS: Where is Sam? MERRY: (from backstage) The game ate him..... AUTHOR: (sighs and quotes) "In the jungle you must wait until the dice read five or eight." MERRY: (comes on set) How did you know? CASSI: Why do you think the game was backstage? We're gonna to spoof the movie. CHRIS: Do you have anyone casted yet? AUTHOR: I have considered a few people. I will say this one. Pippin is going to be one of them. CASSI: I'm sure he will enjoy playing it again. SPIKE: So that was what the dinosaurs found. AUTHOR: Yes, now "Fra-do" we need you to get the sword and armor. Sam is um..... unavaible. ROMANO: That's one way to put it. GOLLUM: Nasty hobbit's gone. We are glad, aren't we Precious? RING: Oh yes. --Frodo sighs, as he is not used to doing things for himself. He's had Sam around too long. And he leaves. Twenty minutes later he returns with the sword and armor.-- FRODO: Here. (hands them to Charlie X) DOR: Alright, Charlie you have to give Magneato the weapons and armor. CHARLIE X: Do I have to? STING: You'd better! I don't like you, Baldy Baby! CHARLIE X: (glares at Sting) I really don't want it anymore! CHRIS: GOOD! Now let's continue! CHARLIE X: (hands Sting to Magneato) My old sword, Sting. Take...... STING: WHO are you calling old, hairless? CHARLIE X: (quickly hands the sword to Magneato) MAGNEATO: Wow, it's pretty and so light. CHARLIE X: Made by the elves.... VOICE FROM DOOR: Excuse me? ALL: (turn) --At the door is two people. One is Bilbo, much younger. thanks to the Fountain of Youth. The other is a normal man, dressed in a business suit. His hair is graying at the edges and he has a "Hitler" type moustache.-- AUTHOR: Everyone, this is Bilbo Baggins, a little younger, and J. Jonah Jameson, editor for the Daily Bugle. FRODO: Bilbo! (runs and gives him a hug.) BILBO: Frodo? I didn't know you were here. HUMFREY: They're all here now we must continue with the spoof. --Bilbo takes a seat next to Frodo and gives Gollum a wary look.-- DOR: Charlie X, continue. CHARLIE X: Yes made by the "Elvis", you know. The blade glows blue when orcs are nearby. It's times like those, my enemy that you have to be extra careful. Here is a pretty thing...(he holds out the Mithril armor) CASSI: It's the vest made of female moths. MAGNEATO: What if I don't want a vest made out of bugs? That's gross! WOLVIE: Way COOL! I want it! Give, give, give, give, give!!!! BOYO: ME TOO! I want a bug vest!! BILBO: I'd not going to ask! RING: HEY! I know that voice! BILBO old buddy! BILBO: (stares) The Ring never talked like that before! CASSI: Funny, we can't seem to get it to shut up. Of course it is Dor's fault that everything is talking. His talent is communication with the inanimate. STING: Yep, we just love to talk! It is SO fun! MAGNEATO: (screams) It's possessed! BILBO: (laughs) Where are Merry, Pippin, Sam and Aragorn? --Suddenly, Merry, Pippin, and Aragorn come running through. Aragorn is carrying the game. They run across the set, and then off set again. They're followed by about a dozen really big African bats.-- AUTHOR: Answer your question? Sam's in the game. The was the bat threat. (quotes)"At night they fly, you'd better run these winged things, they are no fun." SPIKE: Do you have all of those memorized? CASSI: Only half. She has them written down. Not that it would surprise me if she did have them memorized as Sophie and her watched it several times. Sophie loves it. JAMESON: This is an amusing place. LOGAN: Going to publish more in the paper? JAMESON: No, I made a deal with the Author. I don't publish anymore if I get to find out the identity of Spiderman. SCOTT: Good deal. JAMESON: Do I get a lightsaber? LUKE: (tosses him one) Everybody wants one. AUTHOR: We need to get back to the spoof. I really would like to leave "Rivendell" before this section is full. MAGNEATO: Do I have to where the bug vest? AUTHOR: It might save your pitiful life! MAGNEATO: (takes it and makes a face) Fine! CHARLIE X: Mithril, as light as a feather, and as hard as dragonscales...... MAGNEATO: Those must be really tough moths. CHARLIE X: Let me see you put it on. MAGNEATO: (backs away) GROSS!! I'm not like that! SPIKE: (chokes on his drink) AUTHOR: MAGNEATO! Charlie is following the script! MAGNEATO: But what if he tries to take MY Precious? GLORY: (makes a face) Why would he want "Precious"? CASSI: Wrong precious! SPIKE: (runs for the bathroom, covering his mouth.) GLORY: (snickers) CHARLIE X: Did I miss something? DOR: SCRIPT! MITHRIL VEST: Yeah, get it right you stupid runts! CHARLIE X&MAGNEATO: (scream) It's gonna get ME! AUTHOR: (groans) We are NEVER gonna finish this! BILBO: I don't seem to remember acting like that. FRODO: (shrugs) Anything can happen on the spoof set. CASSI: Yeah, like "Fra-do" conspiring with Gollum. BILBO: (stares at Frodo) --Frodo gives a grin and then he and Gollum bolt off set.-- BILBO: (grins) Nice job. You really did crack him. LEGOLAS: When are we gonna finish this? HUMFREY: Oh one of these centuries. CHRIS: Alas, this may take forever, we still have two more movies coming out. AUTHOR: (screaming) SCRIPT!!!!! --Magneato makes a face and starts to un-button his shirt so he can try on the vest made of female moths. The Ring comes into view.-- CHARLIE X: My old Ring. I should very much like you to GIVE it back! NOW!! MAGNEATO: NO!! You ugly, bald, X-Baby freak! It's mine all MINE!! --Charlie X attacks Magneato, they proceed to start beating each other up.-- CHARLIE X: GIVE! (punches Magneato) MAGNEATO: NO! (pushes him away and causes several metal objects to smash against Charlie X. AUTHOR: Oops, forgot to take Magneato's magnetic powers away after the break. CASSI: Can you imagine what it would be like if this actually happened in the original? AUTHOR: That would have been funny! ELROND: (staring) Somehow, I'm very glad that WASN'T in the original! WOLVIE: HEY!! NO FAIR! I wanna fight! --Wolvie joins the fight.-- SNAGGLE: I wanna fight! I'll help you Mags! --Snaggle attacks Wolvie.-- BOYO: Not without ME! (jumps on Snaggle's back) Leave my cousin alone! You big BULLY! BILBO: (is laughing) LOGAN: This is great. Perfect entertainment. SABRE: I feel like fighting myself. --Sabre attacks Logan. Logan snickts his claws and fights back.-- **Author takes a pain pill.** SHADOWKITTY: LEAVE MY DADDY LOGAN ALONE!! WOLVIE: (sees Logan and Sabre) DADDY LOGAN!! --He knocks Snaggle down and jumps on Sabre.-- WOLVIE: You mess with my Daddy Logan and you mess with me! BUFFY: That looks like fun! --Buffy runs over and joins the fight.-- BUFFY: You leave my husband and kids alone! SPIKE: (runs after Buffy) I'm your husband, TOO! (joins the fight) BOYO: Daddy SPIKE! BILBO: (staring) Let me get this straight. The Elf is married to the same woman as the Dwarf and of the "hobbits" are their children? And somehow the children are cousins. Does that make any sense at all? GIMLI: Safer not to ask. LEGOLAS: (is talking with Tara) CASSI: Now THIS is a fight. LUKE: I'm getting a headache. --All fighters freeze in place and stare at Luke. In seconds, all of them are back to their seats and places.-- VADER: You frightened them. LUKE: (grins) I know! CHRIS: Why don't we skip to when the company leaves Rivendell. AUTHOR: Good idea! Alright the nine er...eleven leave Rivendell. DYLAN: Don't bark at a moose! JAMESON: I won't ask. WOLVIE: I got one! Don't jump while standing on your head. CASSI: Okay...... AUTHOR: Shall we continue? CHRIS: (stares at Dylan and Wolvie) Yes, Fathead you're up. MAGNETO: (glares but says his lines) We must hold to this course west of the Misty Mountains..... ASH: Misty has her own mountains? MISTY: Better than what you have, GEEKBOY! LANDO: Don't they make a cute couple? MISTY: (covers her mouth and runs for the bathroom) LANDO: What did I say? HAN: Don't ask. LEIA: Yeah, it's safer not to. AUTHOR: Script! Or I will have Ryan kill you. RYAN: (grins like a maniac) AUTHOR: And I'll let Murdoc help. MURDOC: That sounds like fun! AUTHOR: I'm sure it will be. Magneto start your line over. MAGNETO: We must hold this course west of the Misty Mountains, for forty days. If our luck holds, the Gap of Rohan will still be open to us....... TRENT: So long as its not like the (pause) er.....um......the... AUTHOR: Gap Chasm? TRENT: Yes, right. The one with the forget spell and the er...... AUTHOR: Gap Dragon? TRENT: Yes. MURDOC: Can I kill him for talking? AUTHOR: You are welcome to try. --Murdoc pulls out a gun and fires at Trent. Trent, within seconds, turns a nearby bug into a sheildtree. The bullet ricochets off, nearly hits Bink and slams harmlessly into a wall-- CASSI: You missed. AUTHOR: You tried and failed Murdoc, now leave the King of Xanth alone. Magneto, continue. MAGNETO: And from there, our road turns east toward "More-Dirt"! CHRIS: Alright, they stop for lunch. --Cassi whispers something to her assistants and they all exit together.-- CHRIS: Are they? AUTHOR: Yes. CHRIS: (nods)Good. SPIKE: What am I missing? LOGAN: Your brain maybe. SPIKE: Ah, Shut-up you ugly dwarf gorilla! DOR: SCRIPT!! SCRIPT: You shut up, you dumb human! DOR: You saw what happened to the last annoying script! SCRIPT: I can be an annoying pile of ashes also! AUTHOR: Let's continue. RING: Yeah, this story is about me. Not some stupid talking script! WOLVIE: You mentioned lunch. HUMFREY: Not you. Angel is supposed to be showing you and Boyo how to sword fight. BOYO&WOLVIE: COOL!! --Both run over to Angel who is grinning.-- ANGEL: This promises to be fun. --Angel starts showing them how to sword fight.-- ANGEL: Very good, again. WOLVIE: Why? I want to learn a different move! ANGEL: We'll get there. LOGAN: If anyone were to ask my opinion which I note they are not. Which doesn't surprise me since I'm traveling with a vampire an ex-vampire, one of my worst enemies, a small version of my enemy, two annoying X-Babies and a twerp. The only decent ones are Ardeth, Sara, Carter, and Bill. SARA: It's nice to feel special. CARTER: Yep. BILL: (wags his tail and chews on another oversized milkbone) ARDETH: Very much so. HUMFREY: Script! AUTHOR: Humfrey, you can let Grundy out now. --Humfrey does as he is told and Grundy jumps onto the Author's chair and climbs on her shoulder-- GRUNDY: Why did you let me out? AUTHOR: (laughs) Someday I'll tell you. GRUNDY: (shrugs and gets comfortable) AUTHOR: Now we can continue. Logan, get it right this time. LOGAN: If anyone were to ask my opinion, which I note they have not, I would say we're taking the long way around! Magneto, we could go through the "Mines of Moira" My.....(pause) I don't have a cousin. Or if I do, I have no clue who they are. AUTHOR: (groans) JUST PRETEND! LOGAN: (shrugs)My cousin who I've never met, or heard of, would give us a royal welcome. I don't know why he would, since we've never met. --Cassi and her assistants return to the set. Looking as if they'd been in a snowball fight-- CASSI: Interesting family you have, Logan. LOGAN: Oh, you know how families are. DOR: Back to the script! MAGNETO: No Logan, I would not take the road through "Moira" unless I had no other choice. LOGAN: The script says we do. --Ardeth and Carter are commenting the sword training.-- ARDETH: Move your feet! CARTER: Move your hand faster. You don't want it cut off. --Angel accidently cuts Wolvie's hand. Not that it will stay that way for long. He does have a healing factor-- WOLVIE: (yelling) OW!!! ANGEL: Sorry! --Wolvie drops his sword, kicks Angel in the shin and tackles him. Boyo joins in and the two of them wrestle Angel, who's laughing, to the ground. Ardeth and Carter start laughing also. Spike is staring at something on the horizon.-- ASH: What's that? --Logan stares and sniffs the air. His face turns a shade of green and he bolts for the bathroom covering his mouth-- ANGEL: It's only a cloud. DOR: Gee, only a cloud! TRENT: They haven't met "Fracto" yet. CARTER: It's moving fast against the wind. SPIKE: It looks like big bees and.......(smells the air) OH YUCK! (runs for the bathroom) ASH: Beedrills. ARDETH: HARPIES! HIDE! --All gather their possessions, douse the fire and take cover. The beedrills fly right over without stopping. The harpies.....well..-- HARPY#8: You think we didn't see you, you lousy..*beep, beep , BEEEEEP* --Bluebonnets off to the side pull their bonnets over their ears and blush red. Other vegetation just shrivles up and dies-- TRENT: Get out of here you miserable creatures, before I turn you all into sweet smelling flowers. Or worse yet, goblins. --All twenty-five Harpies exit as quickly as possible. Spike and Logan return with clothespins on their noses-- SPIKE: I HATE harpies. AUTHOR: Not ALL of them smell bad. DOR: That's true........ LOGAN: Then why couldn't you use one of them? IRENE: We couldn't find enough of them. CASSI: No surprise there. TRENT: Oh yeah, I invited Iris, Smash, Tandy, and the Gorgon. Iris said she can't make it. The Gorgon said she'd try to make it. Smash and Tandy said they would get here when they could. HUMFREY: You what? TRENT: She may not make it, so don't complain. AUTHOR: Let's worry about that later. We need to get back to the script! MAGNETO: Spies of Xavier. The passage is being watched. We must go over the pass of "Carrot Rest." GANDALF: (groans but doesn't correct him.) MADCHRIS: (as Bugs Bunny) What's up doc?(chews on a carrot) CASSI: (snickers) CARROT REST ******************************** --Alright, the group starts up the mountain. Suddenly, a little boy and a tiger, running on two feet, dash past them, up the mountain, carrying a toboggan-- DAWN: Hey that was Calvin and Hobbes! MULDER: The boy with the tiger that everyone thinks is a stuffed toy. He's a nice tiger. CASSI: Yeah, they helped us earlier. TRENT: Before we continue. I have a question. AUTHOR: Yes? TRENT: How is it that the magic of Xanth works here, if we aren't in Xanth? CASSI: We are in Xanth. TRENT: What? AUTHOR: That's the magic of the Spoofset. It is everywhere at the same time. That's how we get characters from so many different places. MURDOC: Interesting. HUMFREY: I figured as much already. LANGLY: I love this place. I wish I could stay forever....... --Author and Cassi exchange a look-- MULDER: Why don't you? BYERS: We'd be missed. CASSI: So send clones. NIKKI: (whispers to Langly) LANGLY: (grins) We will definitely be thinking about it. CHRIS: Great, now let's get back to the spoof. --Now back to them walking up the mountain of "Resting Carrots." As they are walking they come upon some snowmen. Two are headless with red color all around them. Another, to the side, has a snow axe, covered in blood, slung over its shoulder-- LEGOLAS: I don't remember that. I think I would remember something like that. AUTHOR: (to Cassi) Impressive. CASSI: That one was Calvin's idea. CHRIS: Back to the spoof, forget the snowmen. SPIKE: How do you forget something like that? AUTHOR: Practice, now script! --They start climbing again. They pass a rather large snowsnake-- CASSI: Huh? We didn't make any snowsnakes. --The snowsnake opens it's eyes and roars. All stare fascinated.......Ardeth grabs the flamethrower and starts toward the snowsnake. The snake slithers away "Yipping"-- SMASH: (from the doorway)You have snowsnakes here? ALL: (turn) SMASH: Uh Hello.............we were invited? TANDY: (sees Crombie in griffin form)DADDY!(she runs over and throws her arms around him) SPIKE: Her dad is a bird........... AUTHOR: Trent, show Spike what Crombie really looks like. --Trent walks over to Crombie and returns him to human form. Then he returns to his seat. Smash comes over and takes a seat next to Tandy and Crombie.-- CROMBIE: (to Tandy)Go see your grandfather. TANDY: I have a grandfather? CASSI: Most people do..... SMASH: Who? AUTHOR: (points at Humfrey) My assistant here. TANDY: The Good Magician is my grandfather? (glares) Then WHY did he charge me a year of service for my question? SMASH: Well he did arrange for us to get together. TANDY: (gives Smash a look and grins)Grandpa! (she ran over and threw her arms around Humfrey) HUMFREY: (smiles pleased) --Tandy returns to her seat and now we can go back to the spoof.-- SPIKE: About time. ABBY: Um, before we start. Did anyone give the Xanth crew shots? BINK: What is a shot? CARTER: Don't you people get sick? TRENT: They are used to easy remedies. I suggest we all get vaccinated. DOR: He lost me. SCRIPT: Not very bright are you, kid. CHAMELEON: (looking completely stunning) What's a shot? SPIKE: Depends on where you are at. If your at a bar, it's alcohol. ROMANO: If you're at a hospital it's a big needle. DR DAVE: If it's around here, it's a gun. CARTER: What a nice thought. (pulls out his gun) AUTHOR: Put that away! SPIKE: (staring at Chameleon) Is that the same woman? BINK: This is her stupid phase. AUTHOR: Her phases follow the moon. Now Abby, get someone out here to vaccinate these guys. CASSI: I would think if they could get it, they would have it already. CARTER: Good point. TRENT: It's better not to take chances. CHESTER: (starts coughing) Would it get rid of this cold? CASSI: ACK! CHRIS: Does anyone have any healing elixir? HUMFREY: Will he die without it? AUTHOR: Yes. CHESTER: WHAT?! ABBY: Does that mean we all have to be vaccinated again? CASSI: Might as well. CHRIS: Then it's breaktime. --One hour later, everyone has been re-vaccinated and Chester has been treated with healing elixir and also vaccinated.-- AUTHOR: Alright, crisis over now. Let's continue and please if we have anymore people come on set, make sure they get a shot before they take a seat. STEVE: What about that red and blue dressed guy who crawls on the ceiling. CASSI: If he dies, it's his own fault. He's the one who keeps sneaking on set. That virus is airborne. JAMESON: If he dies off set does that mean he's not our problem? AUTHOR: Yep. CARTER: What's Spidey look like out of costume? AUTHOR: (pulls out a picture of Peter Parker) This. CARTER: He got a shot. I gave it to him, he asked. There are so many people on this set, I didn't know whether he belonged or not. CASSI: Good point. AUTHOR: Did he have a spoof I.D.? CARTER: Yes. CASSI: Sneaky little bug, isn't he? JAMESON: Yes, and a criminal to the bone. AUTHOR: He is not! You're just jealous, Jolly Jonah Jameson! JAMESON: ARG!! CASSI: What? AUTHOR: I called him what Spidey does. Now back to the script! SPIKE: Um, question, that healing elixir. What would it do to a vampire? DOR: The same thing it does to a zombie. It would make you a very healthy dead guy. ZOMBIEMASTER: Yes. PIPPIN: Script! AUTHOR: I thought you were playing a game. PIPPIN: It's not my turn. CHRIS: Sorry shorty. You can't be an assistant or an actor, until you finish the game. --Pippin stalks backstage after giving Chris a dirty look. So of course, Chris is now covered with dirt!-- CHRIS: Now I have to change and take shower. I HATE puns. CASSI: (snickers) CHRIS: (stomps off) DOR: So who is filling in for Pippin? KOVAC: SCRIPT! AUTHOR: Is that self explanatory? **A/N. This was before 9th season. We liked him back then. Now he is a jerk. He will be fired in Chameleon Spoof.** DOR: Yes. --They continue up the snow covered mountain. The blond kid with the tiger slide past them in the toboggan. The entire fellowship is coated with snow-- SPIKE: When are we getting off this mountain? ARDETH: This is fun. (throws a snowball at Spike) CARTER: (throws another) Howah! BOYO: (yelling) SNOWBALL FIGHT! --All eleven of the Fellowship plus Bill start a snowball fight. Calvin and Hobbes join in, as to do the Author, Cassi, and the Assistants-- GANDALF: They are never going to get off this mountain. --The monkeys from "Jumanji" and the rest of the dinosaurs join the fight. As do most of the Peanut Gallery.-- JENNY: This is getting as bad as the other one. --Several black "Night Mares" join the fight, kicking up snow. Jenny is hit by a snowball that Julian threw at her. She jumps to her feet and grabs some snow and pelts him with a few-- CASSI: This is great! ABBY: Is this gonna take all night? --Abby is pelted by snowballs thrown by both Kovac and Carter-- ABBY: I'm gonna creme you GUYS! --Two hours later everybody is completely covered in snow and back to their seats-- CHRIS: Now we get back to the script. (he has changed and is no longer full of dirt) --Merry, Pippin, Sam, and Aragorn run on set, completely soaked.-- ARAGORN: Don't go backstage. It has been changed into a lagoon with very large wanna-be-dinosaurs. AUTHOR: Get out of here with that game! You are not playing it on set. Find somewhere ELSE to play it. --Merry, Pippin, Sam, and Aragorn stomp off set-- KOVAC: Now back to the script. SPIKE: Right, we return to the climbing up the mountain. AUTHOR: Who's fault is it that you guys keep getting distracted? --Off to the side.....Ardeth is taking pictures of Ash, Carter, Sara, and Bill. Who are posing in the snow-- CASSI: Interesting............can I have copies? CHRIS: Script, you "Insanos"! CARTER: Spoil-sport! SARA: If you weren't an assistant, I'd eat you. --Bill gives "Bambi eyes" and hangs his tail between his legs like a hurt puppy-- JULIAN: Now that's not something you see everyday. CHRIS: What part of "Script" didn't you understand? SCRIPT: Nothing! RING: Yup, we don't understand nothing at all. CHRIS: I wasn't speaking to the inanimate! RING: That is racist! You bigot!! You'll hear from me in COURT!! Where is a cop when you need one? I'm gonna call my lawyer!! ROMANO: Your lawyer a Quartz or a Rolex...and shall we assume that they talk as well? GERARD: Shut-up! AUTHOR: Thank you. Now let's continue. --They return to climbing the mountain. Magneato is tripped by Wolvie, and rolls down. Ardeth and Carter catch him, but the Ring is no longer around his neck.-- RING: Didn't like him anyway! --Angel picks up the ring by the chain, but doesn't touch the ring. He stares at it.-- ARDETH:Angel? ANGEL: (continues staring at the Ring) It is a strange fate that we should suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a thing. Such a little thing. (he almost touches it but Ardeth stops him) ARDETH: ANGEL! Give the Ring to Magneato. ANGEL: As you wish. I care not. --He gives the Ring to Magneato and tousles his hair before turning away-- ANGEL: (mutters in Gaelic) GRUNDY: Ooooh, what a dirty mouth. --Angel starts spitting dirt out of his mouth. He runs to the bathroom-- HUMFREY: Interesting effect. It doesn't usually do that in Xanth, but close enough. --Angel returns from the bathroom with a toothbrush in his mouth-- ANGEL: That was VILE! ANGELUS: Serves you right, for saying such dirty words. CHRIS: (glares) More puns! AUTHOR: Alright, they continue up the mountain seeing many more of the morbid snowmen. --One is a large snowman with tiny little bloody snowmen, hanging from its whipcreme foaming mouth. Another is sitting on a sled and is impaled into a tree, and much more. The very last one is a snowwoman wearing read satin dress and a snowman wearing a black t-shirt and Spike's black leather duster. There is a stake through the snowman's heart-- SPIKE: (snatches the duster and puts it on) That is not *bleeping* funny! AUTHOR: Let's just continue. --The harpies and beedrills return to "Iss-Ann-Guard" and report to Xavier.-- HARPY#7: They are going over "Carrot Rest"! XAVIER: So you tried to lead them over "Carrot Rest" And if it fails? Where will you go? If the mountain defeats you, will you risk a more dangerous road? LEGOLAS: Why is he talking to Magneto when it's obvious the man can't hear him? AUTHOR: Saruman was a moron. GANDALF: I'll drink to that! KOVAC: Script! --Spike runs atop the snow while the others struggle through it-- LEGOLAS: He's not an elf. How is he doing that? AUTHOR: I gave him a talent to walk on anything formed by water. You know, snow, water, hail, ice, clouds, smoke. Nobody was using the talent in Xanth, so I gave it to Spike. CASSI: Spike can walk on water? DOR: And clouds? That's rather fun. AUTHOR: Script! --Spike stands at the edge of the cliff, listening-- SPIKE: There is a fell voice on the air. WOLVIE: Someone forgot to brush their teeth. BOYO: Nah, he just has naturally bad breath. ARDETH: Maybe, he has been kissing those harpies. --Xavier runs to the bathroom covering his mouth-- LOGAN: I'm impressed, Mr. Med-Jai. You made Charles sick! --Xavier returns from the bathroom and resumes his chanting on top of "Iss-Ann-Guard" A cloud with a face blows up to the mountain and laughs-- CARTER: What's with the cloud? ARDETH: Cumulo Fracto Nimbus. GRUNDY: HEY, you lousy piece of vapor. You couldn't be a real storm so go find a real cloud to take your place! --Fracto glares and starts puffing up. Lighting strikes the mountain, burying the Fellowship. Multicolor hailstones start falling-- BINK: A technicolor hailstorm. CASSI: Pretty! FRACTO: (smiles proudly) --Spike unburies himself and leaps onto the cloud-- SPIKE: Rain on me now, you overgrown pillow!(he walks across the top of the cloud) --Bill and Sara unbury the rest of the Fellowship. Fracto thunders and shakes trying to dislodge Spike-- AUTHOR: Spike, get off Fracto! He was invited and he's doing his part! --Spike leaps back to the mountain-- SPIKE: That was great! DAWN: Can I have a talent, too? AUTHOR: I'll think about it. Now script. ARDETH: He's trying to bring down the mountain! We must turn back! MAGNETO: No! That dumb cloud isn't stopping me. FRACTO: (thunders angrily and starts blowing snow and colored hail at them) CARTER: Thanks a lot, FATHEAD! Now he's mad at us. CASSI: He's such an adorable cloud. FRACTO: (stops snowing and hailing and reddens melting some of the snow on the mountain) ARDETH: We must get off the mountain! ANGEL: We must make for the Gap of Rohan! ARDETH: The Gap of Rohan takes us too close to "Iss-Ann-Guard" LOGAN: If we cannot go over the mountain, let us go under it. Through the "Mines of Moira" PETER: My wife has mines? AUTHOR: Quiet, FISH DUDE! PETER: (glares) XAVIER: "Moira" You fear to go into those mines. The dwarves delved too greedily and too deep. You know what they awoke in the darkness of "Castle of Doom". Shadow and flame. CASSI: Castle of Doom? AUTHOR: It works. LEGOLAS: Again with the talking to Magneto. He can't HEAR him! CHRIS: HEY! It's in the script! Therefore we have to have it in there. Now continue. MAGNETO: Let the Ringbearer decide! MAGNEATO: Oh, THANKS a lot FATHEAD!! So if anyone dies it's MY fault! AUTHOR: In the book it was Gandalf's idea to go into "Moira" and Aragorn warned him not too. CASSI: Yeah, but we're spoofing the movie and in that it was "Fra-doo's" choice. CHRIS: So chose already, Marblebrains! MAGNEATO: Oh well, Fathead's the one supposed to die. Wait, how can he die if Gandalf is still alive. AUTHOR: You don't find that you until...."The Spoof Towers." Now script! MAGNEATO: We will go through the mines. MAGNETO: So be it! WOLVIE: And we all die. The end, can we leave now? AUTHOR: You don't die, so shut up! ROMANO: This just gets weirder and weirder. CHRIS: You are calling the spoof weird? You're one of the "Insano's"! ROMANO: (to Cassi, sounding aghast)I'm insane? CASSI: Nah......never. AUTHOR: I don't care! BACK TO THE SPOOF!! HUMFREY: And now we finally go to "Moira". "MOIRA" **Outer walls** *************************** LOGAN: The walls of "Moira" GIMLI: Moria! LOGAN: That's what I said "Moira" GIMLI: Stop making fun of my cousins mines! LOGAN: I'm not! GIMLI: You're mis-pronouncing it! YAKKO: We mis-pronounce everything. GIMLI: (glares) LEGOLAS: Oh, just drop it! At least you haven't had to act yet! AUTHOR: SHUT-UP!! DOR: Back to the script! SCRIPT: NO! I am tired of people reading me wrong! RING: You should sue! SCRIPT: And I'm tired of people dropping food on me and drinks on me, and wiping their dirty, greasy fingers on me! DOR: (glares at the script) SHUT-UP!! SCRIPT: Why? DOR: Because, that's why! SCRIPT: Because that's why, why? CASSI: Huh? DOR: Why ask why? LUKE: Not again! SCRIPT: Why ask, why ask why? DOR: (crumples the script) SCRIPT: Ow, you're squeezing the life out of me. You EVIL paper murderer! CHRIS: You know this may be the first spoof where the script is trying to get an oscar. SCRIPT: You really think I could get one? HUMFREY: Shut-up, and we'll think about it. SCRIPT: Alright, I'm quiet! DOR: Now we can continue. LUKE: Don't try that "Why" thing again! DOR: (looks at Luke and swallows) Alright, Sir. VADER: (to Luke) You make me proud. --The Fellowship walks along the side of the lake, except for Spike who is testing his talent again, and is walking across the top-- DAWN: That is SO cool! RACHEL: Oh yes. --Wolvie shoves Magneato, and Magneato's foot slips into the water, and he scrambles out and glares at Wolvie. Wolvie sticks his tongue out and flips his middle claw. They reach a wall framed by two great trees, and promptly back away as the two tangler trees reach for them-- MAGNETO: How are we supposed to get near the door? AUTHOR: There is a enchanted path leading right up to the door. The tanglers can't touch you. --Magneto approaches the door and then scrubs away the dirt to find a pattern on the wall-- MAGNETO: Isilden. It mirrors only starlight and moonlight. --Conveniently the moon comes out, showing the shape of a door, with writing above in Hebrew-- SPIKE: Hebrew? I thought it was supposed to be Elvish AUTHOR: We did have to rebuild the door. CHRIS: On another note. Dwarves hate elves usually, right? GIMLI: Yes. CHRIS: So how come they used Elvish writing on their door instead of dwarvish? LEGOLAS: Good question. GIMLI: I didn't put it there, so I don't know why it's in elvish. HUMFREY: Does it matter? We need to continue. MAGNETO: (reads his script....not the door) It reads; The gates of Durin, Lord of Moira. Speak friend and enter. MAGNEATO: (shrugs) Hello? --The door doesn't open.-- SPIKE: Wrong password, moron! MAGNETO: Script says it's "Mellon" --Nothing happens-- DOOR: That password is invalid. MAGNETO: Open, you lousy door! DOOR: That password is invalid. WOLVIE: What's it mean anyway? DOOR: That password is invalid. WOLVIE: Not you! HIM! DOOR: That password is invalid. GANDALF: I don't remember the door being able to talk. DOOR: That password is invalid. --Ardeth and Carter unload Bill, while Magneto keeps muttering passwords which are all invalid-- ARDETH: The mines are no place for you, Bill. You're just TOO big. You won't fit through the door...if we EVER get it open. ASH: Bye, bye, Bill. --Bill moves to the Peanut Gallery with his tail between his legs-- CARTER: Don't worry, Ash. He knows his way home. --Boyo, Wolvie, Magneato, and Sara are throwing rocks his the water. Ardeth and Carter join them-- ANGEL: Um.... I think that is a bad idea. LOGAN: Yes. SPIKE: I have a bad feeling about this. ALL FELLOWSHIP: (stare at Spike horrified) SPIKE: Oops. SARA: I'd eat you, but you've expired already. BOYO, WOLVIE, ASH, MAGNEATO, ARDETH&CARTER: We're gonna DIE!!! MAGNETO: This is useless! DOOR: That password is invalid. --Magneto sits down, disgusted-- MAGNEATO: It's a riddle. What's the Hebrew word for friend? DOOR: That password is invalid. MAGNETO: I don't remember. DOOR: That password is invalid. CARTER: Well, how do Hebrews great one another? DOOR: That password is invalid. MAGNETO: Shalom. DOOR: Password correct. (the doors open) We thank you for choosing our lovely summer home. Remember to come back and feel free to die while you enjoy your stay. FRODO: I don't remember that. BILBO: What a neat door. LOGAN: My lines are stupid! AUTHOR: That's not my fault. GIMLI: Are you implying that I'm stupid? LOGAN: No, I'm implying you're a complete imbecile. GIMLI: I'm going to kill YOU!! LOGAN: You and what army? AUTHOR: Gimli, shut up! Logan ACT!! LOGAN: (sighs) Soon, Mr Moron Vampire, you will enjoy the fabled hospitality of the moron dwarves. Roaring bonfires of roasted vampires, poisoned beer! And un-edible non-cooked meat dripping with disgusting grease. Maybe Lando cooks for these guys. SPIKE: (runs for the bathroom covering his mouth) --Gimli attacks Logan.-- LEGOLAS: Interesting. CASSI: It's not a fair fight, Logan's going to pulverize him. MUNGO: I guess tha' means we're on stan' boi. BENTON: For sure. KOVAC: I'm glad I'm subbing for Pippin. SPIKE: What kind of an idiot attacks Logan with an axe? (to Gimli) Use my lightsaber! --Before Gimli can get to Spike, Logan jams his claws right through Gimli's chest. Then he re-tracts them and Gimli hits the floor dead-- WOLVIE: You killed yourself, Daddy Logan. LEGOLAS: (staring) Wait, Gimli has a "Mithril" vest. CASSI: Ah, the vests made of female moths. I guess adamantium can kill those moths....... AUTHOR: That's what they get for making vests out of bugs. --Mungo and Benton drag Gimli out. The Author pulls out a notebook and marks in the death-- SPIKE: You have a notebook of deaths? CASSI: She also has who's related to who? BUFFY: Wouldn't that be confusing. AUTHOR: Wanna hear who all is related, in some way to the Summers Family. While I'm at it the O'Connell, and Carnahan family.... DAWN: Alright, who all is somehow related to us? AUTHOR: (takes a deep breath) Corsair, Scott, Alex Summers, Buffy, Dawn, Glory, Xander, Spike, Logan, Imhotep, Fred, C.C. Babcock, Wolvie, Shadowkitty, Boyo, Porthos, Joyce, Kurt1&2, Mystique, Lorna, Xavier, Giles, Rogue, Penny, Jonathan C, Rick, Evelyn, Alex, Jack Dalton, Dot, Yakko, Wakko, Ash, Misty, Pete, Maxwell, Fran, Lecter, Kitty1&2, Prince John, Peregrin, Meriadoc, Frodo, Jemima, Magneato, Charlie X, and I think that's all. There will more later, but I don't want to add them all in yet. When we finally get to "A Knights Tale" Legolas will join the clan.. He will be Spike's father. SPIKE: (to Legolas)Welcome to the Summers Clan. CASSI: Does that mean Spike's full name is "Spike O'Connell Calrissian Greanleaf"? AUTHOR:Um...I guess. MAGNETO: Are we even going to get into the mines? AUTHOR: What mines? MAGNEATO: This is going to be a long night. RYAN: Landmines? AUTHOR: You know we could use some of those to keep people from sneaking on set. LOGAN: Wouldn't stop the bug. JUMPER: Huh? LOGAN: Not you, I'm talking about the grown man who runs around in blue and red spandex. CASSI: Peter Parker picked a patch of pickled peppers. ALL: (stare) PENNY: My cousin, picked what? ALL: (stare at Penny) PENNY: My cousin Peter Parker, photographer for the Daily Bugle and is married to Mary Jane Watson. AUTHOR: That's our bug. JAMESON&PENNY: He CAN'T be Spiderman! AUTHOR: Well he is, so DEAL with it! PENNY: All I'm saying is, if Peter was the bug, our Aunt May would have known. AUTHOR: Wait and see. Now where were we? MAGNETO: Mines. AUTHOR: I thought we covered that. Spidey could get past them. PIPPIN: (backstage) Mines of "Moira" LEGOLAS: Moria. AUTHOR: Oh right. MAGNETO: About time. JAMESON: You keep insisting that Parker is that annoying wallcrawler. Do you have proof? --The Author snaps her fingers and a rather large paperback comicbook with Spidey on the cover appears in Jameson's lap.-- AUTHOR: Essential Spiderman number one. Read away "Smiles" JAMESON: (glares at the Author but starts reading--he pales and his mouth drops open.) AUTHOR: Told you so! Now script! KOVAC: They enter the mines without the dumb dwarf comments, thanks to Logan dispatching the moron ugly guy. ALL: (cheer for Logan) LOGAN: (takes a bow) CASSI: (to the Author) I think your temporary assistant fits in great. AUTHOR: I know. --Kovac slaps hands with Romano...**They were friends on set....note I said WERE! Now they hate each other** DR DAVE: Great, first Carter then Kovac. BENTON: Bunch of traitors. GREENE: Both of you shut-up! BENTON: I thought you were on duty. GREENE: That's my clone. **As you have seen in Youth Elixer story, We saved Greene's life.** HUMFREY: You still owe me a year of service. GREENE: (grins) Which is what I'm doing. (returns to medlab) WEAVER: But he won't live a year......... CARTER: Oh yes he will! AUTHOR: HEY! Script! Or I will let the Greenroom guest at you. CASSI: Greenroom guest? AUTHOR: I knew there was something I was forgetting. (whispers to Cassi) CASSI: Uh-huh.....Another one from there? AUTHOR: This one we had to break out of prison to get here. MURDOC: Another "Insano" --The Author grins evilly-- JAMESON: So long as it isn't someone like Carnage. CASSI: (starts laughing) CHRIS: The microphone is back in the Greenroom at your request. AUTHOR: Did you hear that? --The sound of laughter is heard over the Greenroom speaker.-- CHRIS: Now we return to the spoof. HUMFREY: They FINALLY enter the mines. ANGEL: This is no mine, it's a tomb. --The light reveals a room filled with various headstones.. All in the shape of different heads. Several ghosts float in and Zombies come out-- SPIKE: They are rotting all over the place. GREEN ROOM GUEST: Where did all the ghosts come from? DOR: Xanth. ZOMBIE MASTER: The zombies too. GUEST: I must visit Xanth. AUTHOR: No you will stay here and in the greenroom until you learn to behave! GUEST: That's not fun! STEVE: You're the one that picked a fight with Ralph! CASSI: I wondered why Ralph had his leg bandaged. AUTHOR: The Greenroom guest had to be regurgitated and brought back to life. GUEST: Funniest thing I ever did! MURDOC: I like him already. CHRIS: Spoof now? --Spike pulls an arrow out of one of the zombie's head. The zombie, thanks him and walks away. Spike stares after it, confused. Then he shakes his head and drops the arrow-- AUTHOR: Script! SPIKE: Right, goblins. DOR: Goblins don't use arrows. They usually trample everything until they overcome them with mass numbers. TRENT: Indeed. Annoying creatures. AUTHOR: Wrong goblins. ANGEL: Right, we make for the Gap of Rohan. WAKKO: Row Han where? ANGEL: Where it usually is. WAKKO: Huh? No I asked where you wanted us to row Han? HAN: Nobody is rowing me anywhere. ANGEL: Huh? AUTHOR: Row Han? Get it? ANGEL: Is that another pun? WAKKO: What is a pun and is it edible? DOR: Sometimes...... AUTHOR: If I see one punwheel from "The With a Cookie River" I'm gonna fry something. HUMFREY: I agree. I don't want to hear puns for the next few hours. CASSI: What kind of river? AUTHOR: It's a Cookie river and I think lake Tsoda Popka is along it. CASSI: Suddenly, I'm really hungry. CHRIS: Big time! PIPPIN: Where food? AUTHOR: Get out of here and finish you game.......NOW! --Pippin does the "Wolvie" pout and exits-- AUTHOR: JAWAS!! --The Jawas enter with their food carts loaded with various pies, cookies, and other food and drinks. All from Xanth of course-- SPIKE: (lifts a cup) What's this? CUP: Oh, you'll like it. It has a real kick to it. SPIKE: Does it taste good? AUTHOR: (smiles) Oh, of course. CASSI: (snickers) SPIKE: (takes a drink and lets out a yell) HEY! Who kicked me? CUP: I said it had a kick! SPIKE: What is this? DOR: Boot Rear. Some people like it. SMASH: (takes several cups and downs them) Me taste, it great! SPIKE: He rhymes. AUTHOR: He's being his ogre self. BUFFY: He doesn't look like much......... AUTHOR: Don't make him mad. CHRIS: You know, Smash is right. This boot rear stuff isn't bad, especially if you're sitting down. CASSI: I'll pass. (grabs a big cookie) I take it this came from With a Cookie River? AUTHOR: Yes. MAGNETO: Um, when are we going to continue? MAGNEATO: My scripts missing something! Several lines are..... --Magneato screams as a large water dragon grabs his foot and hauls him into the air-- CASSI: Where's the dianoga? AUTHOR: Luke the Jedi Wimp, wouldn't let us get one. This is a water dragon from Xanth. DRAGON: (lets out honking noises) ANGEL: Sounds like a car stuck in rush hour. CHAMELEON: (still stupid) What's a rush hour? Does it go by faster then normal hours? MURDOC: Actually, slower. It's a type of reverse magic. Very similar to "Murphy's Law" DOR: I wasn't aware that Magician Murphy had a law. MURDOC: Wrong Murphy. AUTHOR: Ah no Murdoc, right Murphy. His magical talent is to make things go wrong. MURDOC: Where is he? I want to kill him!! CHRIS: Kill him later, Mike. Script now! MAGNEATO: (still screaming)HELP ME!! --Frodo, from the edge of the set, lets out a scream as the original squid like monster... **Which we forgot to get rid of.** drags him into the lake. The Fellowship stares-- DOR: Ah Spike? Script! Legolas, stop talking with Tara and help us! --Spike fires an arrow and narrowly misses, Magneato. The water dragon crunches the arrow and soaks Spike with a spray of water.-- MAGNEATO: I'm gonna DIE!! --Smash suddenly becomes larger and hairier and extremely ugly.-- SMASH: (to the dragon) Me Smash, you trash! --Spike, seeing Magneato has help now, starts firing arrows at the squid thing-- CARTER: You missed! ARDETH: Where'd you learn how to shoot? LEGOLAS: (sticks his tongue out at Spike and fires an arrow at the squid tentacle, this one landing accurately) That's how it's done. CHESTER: (pulls out a bow and arrows) No, this is how it's done. --Fires a shot and hits the squid in the eye. It let's out a squeal of pain and smacks Spike and Legolas away with a tentacle, slamming them into a wall. Chester , being much farther away, is of course, untouched. Stupid annoying centaurs......-- GANDALF: The Centaur is better than Legolas. IRENE: All centaurs are good shots. They never miss. SPIKE: Ouch.... LEGOLAS: I don't feel so good. (passes out) --Carter and Romano head for Legolas as Spike returns to the water, he is unsteady, and fires toward the squid. He hits Frodo, killing him. The squid realizing it's prey is dead, throws it aside and goes back under water-- SPIKE: Oops. CASSI: 80 feet of monster up there, and he hits Frodo. ASH: Well it went away and it let him go. SPIKE: Good point. CASSI: (yelling at Romano&Carter) If you give my STAR morphine, I'm gonna strangle you!! ROMANO: Oops. CARTER: Double oops! CASSI: (screams) You MORONS!! --Smash grabs ahold of the water dragon-- DRAGON: HELP!!! I'm gonna DIE!! AUTHOR: WUSS!! DRAGON: He's and OGRE! HUMFREY: He's only half! DRAGON: Well in that case! (slams Smash into a wall) --Magneato is jolted from its grip and flies right into the mines. The rest of the Fellowship follow. Smash slams the water dragon into the cliff side and the door starts to crumble. The dragon throws him through the door and it collapses, closing the Fellowship and Smash in the mines-- KOVAC: And the Fellowship becomes twelve. CASSI: No comment. MAGNETO: (causes his staff to make a light) Now we have but one choice. We must face the long dark of "Moira". --Aragorn runs into the room dodging bullets. He grabs Murdoc's gun and fires at the man chasing him, killing him-- AUTHOR: He killed Van Pelt. GLORY: Who? AUTHOR: (quotes)"A hunter from the darkest wilds, who makes you feel just like a child." MUNGO: Two deaths! Jus' grea'! --The medcrew drags Van Pelt and Frodo away and we continue on into "Moira"-- AUTHOR: (yawns) I'm bored. (pulls out one of the Xanth books) CASSI: I thought you finished all those. AUTHOR: Re-reading. JUMPER: Makes us Xanth creatures feel special. AUTHOR: My favorite is "Ogre, Ogre" SMASH: (smiles) Glad to hear that. SPIKE: He's human again. DOR: It's wonderful to have fans. AUTHOR: (points to a fan on the wall) I'm not a fan. That is, and if you don't leave me alone, I'll have Nimby turn you into the worst possible creature you could ever imagine. DOR: Who? AUTHOR: I ain't saying it again. DOR: I'll be quiet. You know what you're talking about. AUTHOR: Oh yes. MAGNETO: Can I continue? AUTHOR: (still reading) Is anybody stopping you? MAGNETO: (glares but continues) Be on your guard! There are older and fouler things than orcs in the deep places of the world. It is a four day journey to the other side. Let us hope our presence may go un-noticed. LANDO: Doubtful, Spike may have said the bad words outside, but it still could imply to inside. BOYO: I have a bad feeling about this. ARDETH: I knew it! We're gonna DIE! CARTER: So unfair! LEGOLAS: (laughs, singing) CASSI: (glares at Carter and Romano) --Author and Cassi return after a long break, I forget how long-- CASSI: Long enough. SPIKE: I'll say. --Author shoots Spike, and then growls as she takes a seat-- DOR: Bad mood? CASSI: Sick. SPIKE: Ow....(glares at the Author) CASSI: (addressing everyone) We have two new guests. Sven's idea. --Two fully cloaked figures walk in. One's face is veiled, except for two mismatched eyes-- SPIKE: Who's the ugly one? AUTHOR: (looks at Cassi) CASSI: His Royal Highness King Ache-Med. ACHEMED: (removes his hood and veil) Achemed. CASSI: Whatever. PORTHOS: Very ugly. AUTHOR: (glares) He is NOT! --All stare at the Author, who waves for Cassi to continue-- CASSI: And the Lady er..... AUTHOR: (horsely) Cymerian CASSI: Whatever, Rhapsody. --Rhapsody removes her hood and all on set, except Cassi, the Author, and Julian stare. Rhapsody is more beautiful then Chameleon in her stupid phase....almost like an angel-- SPIKE: I think I am in love. CASSI: She's married. DOR: To him? AUTHOR: No that's her brother. BUFFY: He's her BROTHER?!? HUMFREY: I don't see the family resemblance. AUTHOR: (still sounding sick) Adopted....although, if I had been the author, I would have put them together. They are perfect for each other. Stupid Waterboy, just got in the way. ACHEMED: (laughs) AUTHOR: Back to the script! MURDOC: I want to see his weapon! CASSI: Oh yeah, he's an assassin. Better than you. MURDOC: Really? --Murdoc and Ryan exchange a look then head in Achemed's direction-- MURDOC&RYAN: Friend! DOR: Alright, now back to "Moira" SMASH: About time! We were getting bored just sitting inside the trashed doorway. RHAPSODY: Does anyone really love music? WOLFGIRL: (motions for her to come over) --Rhapsody seats herself next to her-- DOR: Now spoof. WAKKO: What spoof? DOR: I don't know, I've suddenly forgot in my urge to want to kill the next person who interrupts. --Silence-- RING: Big talk, Dorkboy! RHAPSODY: That Ring is talking. CASSI: Everything talks. ACHEMED: I won't ask. CASSI: (cringes) That voice is annoying, you sound like you have a sore throat or something. ROMANO: What did you do? Swallow a stack of sandpaper? DOR: SCRIPT! SCRIPT: WHAT?! DOR: ARG!! AUTHOR: (yawns and pulls out a book. The cover reads "Prophecy" and there is a picture of a dragon and Rhasody on the cover.) ACHEMED: Do you have any more like that one? AUTHOR: (hands him a purple book with the word "Rhapsody" on the cover) Enjoy, try not to laugh to hard. HUMFREY: Can we continue? AUTHOR: Was that a question? HUMFREY: (glares and mutters something) CASSI: That was a bad word, see you killed a few flowers. --Rhapsody moves to the dead flowers and sings. Within moments they are alive again-- IRENE: Neat trick. AUTHOR: Script! CARTER: But Boyo said the bad words! ROMANO: So? It's not like YOU are going to die....only Fathead is. MAGNETO: I HATE Assistants! ARDETH: Are you sure? We really don't want to die. Besides, when has it ever mattered whether you were supposed to die. Anyone can die, no matter what role they have. CASSI: You don't die! (pauses) Actually, Carter should be dead already. He also isn't supposed to be part of the Fellowship. AUTHOR: It doesn't matter, only one person is supposed to die. Now script! DOR: The twelve travel through "Moira." WAGNER: I'm bored. AUTHOR: Get out of here! You are supposed to be following them from a distance! WAGNER: Vouldn't it just be easier if I traveled with zem? Zhey have food and supplies. GANDALF: Your Gollum wants to join the Fellowship. (sighs and rolls his eyes) AUTHOR: Script! HUMFREY: They travel for a few days and then pause at a rather large landing. MAGNETO: I have no memory of this place. --They all stop to take a break. Carter, Ardeth, Logan, Spike, and Wagner start playing cards-- WOLVIE: Are we lost? SMASH: Probably. BOYO: No, we're not lost. WOLVIE: I think we're lost. ASH: I agree. SARA: (points) There are Goblins that way, I can smell them. They stink. LOGAN: Already knew THAT! BOYO: Quiet, the Big Bucket is trying to think. WOLVIE: Yeah, the key word is TRYING! MAGNETO: Rotten children! WOLVIE: I'm hungry. --Magneato sees something behind them-- MAGNEATO: There's something down there. MAGNETO: (looks at Wagner, who is STILL playing cards) Um.....what is down there? CASSI: (shrugs) Not a clue. CARTER: I knew we were gonna die! AUTHOR: Hey Lego, what's down there? LEGOLAS: (looks) Some kind of a plant that is growing rapidly. CASSI: Plant....tanglers don't grow like that. AUTHOR: (quotes) They grow much faster then bamboo, take care or they'll come after you. ARDETH: Is that bad? --Pippin, Aragorn, Sam, and Merry bolt past carrying the game, then exit-- MAGNETO: Should we run? AUTHOR: It's not near you yet. Say your lines, including the ones about Wagner. MAGNETO: (shrugs) It's Pharaoh Nightcrawler the 1st. He's been following us for three days. WAGNER: I am? Why would I want to do that? SPIKE: Them vines are getting closer, say your lines faster. LOGAN: (snickts his claws) This should be fun. --Ardeth, Carter, and Spike pull out lightsabers-- MAGNEATO: He escaped from the dungeons of er......"Barried Dude" CASSI: Well that was different. AUTHOR: Yeah...... ARDETH: We don't care! Bucket heads, HURRY UP! The vines are getting closer. MAGNETO: Escaped or was set loose? Nightcrawler hates and loves the Ring, as he hates and loves himself. WAGNER: I don't hate myself. MAGNETO: He will never be free of his need for it. RING: Oh yes.....Everyone loves me. I'm so loved. MAGNEATO: Um can I give it to the vines? I'm getting sick of it! AUTHOR: No. --A green vine wraps around Magneato's foot and knocks him to the floor. He is dragged toward a large yellow flower with teeth-- MAGNEATO: (screaming) I'm gonna DIE! --Achemed, without looking points his cwellin and fires. It slices through the vine and Magneato is freed-- MURDOC: I'm impressed! AUTHOR: Script! --Ardeth, Logan, Carter, and Spike are fighting off more vines-- MAGNEATO: (stands) Pity Charlie X didn't kill him when he had the chance. WAGNER: I beg your pardon! (grabs a gun and shoots Magneato, killing him) Take zat! Talk about killing ME, vill you?! CASSI: You tell him! MUNGO: No' ano'her one! SMASH: We're in trouble. AUTHOR: (snaps her fingers) There! --Magneato is alive again. Darn....it was so peaceful...sorry can't help it. I have a headache and I'm typing. 'Nuff said-- MUNGO: (glares) CARTER: When can we go? ARDETH: When the buckets finish their lines! MAGNETO: Pity? It was pity that stayed Charlie's hand. Many who live deserve death, and some who die deserve to live. Can you give it to them? Do not be too eager to deal out death and judgement. Even the very wise (pause) if there are any, cannot see all ends. But my heart tells me that Nightcrawler still has a part play, for good or ill. Before this over (pause) if it ever is, the pity of Charlie X may rule the fate of many. MAGNEATO: I wish this stupid spoof would be over! SPIKE: If you don't finish your **Beep, beep, beep!* lines I'm gonna FEED you to that plant! MAGNEATO: I wish I could quit! SMASH: (glares at Magneato and becomes his ogre self) You dead, me fed. MAGNEATO: (alarmed) I wish the Ring had never come to me. RING: You ain't the only one. AUTHOR: Script. MAGNEATO: I wish none of this had ever happened. --Author glances up at the ceiling and grins, then returns her gaze to the spoof-- MAGNETO: So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time we are given. CARTER: You wanna read your lines FASTER?!? MAGNETO: There are other forces at work in the world, other then the will of evil. SCOTT: Beware the Dark Side of the Farce. AUTHOR: (glares) SCOTT: Right, sorry. MAGNETO: Charlie X was meant to find the Ring. GOLLUM: Didn't find Precious, stole Precious, he did, yes he did. RING: Yeah, I was Ringnapped. By an ugly furried footed dude! BILBO: I found you! GOLLUM: Nasty mean hobbit. CARTER: If you don't shut up and let the buckets finish their lines, you two are next on my kill list. MAGNETO: Which means that you were also MEANT to have it. RING: I'm a he! Not an IT! AUTHOR: You're an it. Now script! MAGNETO: And that is an encouraging thought. (pause) Ah! It's this way. --All Fellowship move away from the vines, relieved-- BOYO: He's remembered! We're SAVED!! MAGNETO: No, but the air smells less foul down here. When in doubt, Boyodoc, always follow your nose. CARTER: (as Tucan Sam) Where ever it goes....to the flavors of fruit! SPIKE: Seek help. CARTER: (grins like a maniac) WAGER: Finally no more vines. CHRIS: They travel down the stairs, and come out in a large area. MAGNETO: Let me risk a little more light. --They see a huge cavern, held up with immense pillars-- MAGNETO: Behold! The great realm of the dwarven city of Dwarrowdelf. CHRIS: And they behold with awe. ALL FELLOWSHIP: Aww! CHRIS: That's A-W-E! ALL FELLOWSHIP: Oohh. ASH: Well, that's and eye-opener and no mistake. SARA: It's so pretty! LOGAN: Do I have to do this? AUTHOR: Do you wanna have a big fun fight with lots of killing? LOGAN: (grins) Party time. (runs to a door off to the side) MAGNETO: LOGAN!! LOGAN: (yelling) Oh, stuff it, Bucket head. I want a good brawl! --The others follow and find Logan seated on top of a tomb looking bored-- CASSI: He sure looks all broken up, doesn't he? CHRIS: Good thing, Gimli is still dead. MUNGO: 'e's ugly. We stuck 'im on ice we'll bring 'im back when you need 'im. Do you wan' "Fra-doo" an' the game guy? AUTHOR: Leave Van Pelt on ice. Bring "Fra-doo" back, now script/ CASSI: We have corpses on ice? GREENE: We also still have that vampire chick's ashes. BUFFY: Harmony? I wondered where she disappeared to. AUTHOR: Script, forget the dead people. MAGNETO: (looks at the tomb) Here lies Balin, son of Hrudin, Lord of "Moira" BILBO: (sighs) Poor Balin, he didn't deserve to die. MAGNETO: He's dead then. It is as I feared. --Magneto finds a book held by a skeleton leaning against the tomb. In the background near the well Magneato and Wolvie are arguing-- SPIKE: Getting bored here. Can we go? And when is this big fight coming? MAGNETO: (reading the book aloud) They have taken the bridge, and the second hall. The ground shakes, we have barred the gates, but cannot hold them for long. A shadow moves in the dark. Drums, drums in the deep. We cannot get out. We cannot get out. They are coming. --A loud yell is heard behind them as Wolvie shoves Magneato into the well. He screams the whole way down, until his scream is cut off short-- WOLVIE: Oops? CASSI: I don't remember Pippin pushing Frodo in the well. LEGOLAS: Too bad. It would have been funny. GANDALF: (stares at Legolas) TARA: He has a point. AUTHOR: Somebody fish that runt out. MAGNETO: Do I have my magnetic powers? AUTHOR: (nods) --After a few minutes, Magneato is back and alive again, and then we continue with all this pointless nonsense-- MAGNETO: (to Wolvie) Fool of a TOOK! Next time, throw yourself in, and rid us of your stupidity! --Wolvie does the hurt puppy look as his eyes well up with tears. He starts crying-- WOLVIE: The big bucket hates me. WAAAHHH!!!!!!!! --Outside drums start pounding. Magneato's sword glows blue-- STING: (singing) Orcs and goblins here they come, they're here to stick you with their swords so you'd better run before they come! SPIKE: That is disturbing. FIDDLES: I like it, I do. MULDER: You would. CHRIS: AHEM!! SPIKE: Orcs, goblins, mummies, vamps. Same ole, same ole. WOLVIE: (is STILL crying) --Angel checks the door and is almost hit by two arrows. He shuts the door, good idea-- ANGEL: They have a rancor. CASSI: Yeah, it's Eatsalot. ARDETH: Stay back, close to FATHEAD! MAGNETO: (glares) --Carter pulls out his lightsaber. Sara lifts Ash onto her back. Wagner bamfs out of sight and Smash reverts to his Ogre form-- SMASH: Time to fight, and to bite. --They bar the door shut, not that it will help them any. As we all know that mummies, rarely use the door-- LOGAN: Party time. (snickts his claws) WOLVIE: Nobody loves me! (STILL crying) --Mummies start breaking holes through the door. Spike and Ardeth ditch the bow and arrows. Ardeth pulls out his Thompson and starts firing at the door. Spike uses a shotgun, which is blasting mummies apart-- CASSI: Um --The Author snaps her fingers and the guns vanish. Achemed tosses his cwellin and a spare to Spike. As well as several rounds of the small sharp metal discs to Ardeth and Spike. Both grin when they fire them. They are even more pleased when it chops off a mummies head-- ARDETH: (grins) I have got to get me one of these! ACHEMED: Keep it. I have another one. Spike can keep his also. AUTHOR: Script! --The door breaks down and Orcs, mummies, goblins, and vampires flood into the room-- SARA: (yelling) LUNCHTIME!! --The orcs and goblins, proving they have some brains, look at each other and run out the door. However, the room is still filled with mummies and vampires. Eatsalot bashes into the room, roaring. Wolvie is off in the corner STILL crying-- CASSI: Wow, Wolvie may get an Oscar for that performance. --Eatsalot smashes the tomb that Logan was standing on. Logan does a roll and slips under him. Then he slices off a vampire's head. The orcs return with more back up and go after Sara, who starts ripping them apart with a maniacal glee. Ash, who is on her back, cheers her on-- NICK: That's my wife. --Eatsalot smashes Spike into a wall and Ardeth fires the cwellin at him. The disc does very little harm-- ARDETH: Sorry Spike! He's all yours. SPIKE: (passes out) ASH: (yelling) This is fun! LOGAN: (kills an orc) Oh yeah! --Eatsalot heads after Magneato and Boyo. Wolvie is STILL off in the corner crying-- DAWN: Nothing lasts longer than the "Engergizer Bunny." It keeps going , and going, and going......... WOLVIE: (cries louder) --Boyo yells and everyone covers their ears. Including Eatsalot. Except Wolvie, who of course is still crying. Does this kid ever stop? Dawn was right. Anyway, I'll get back to the spoof-- LOGAN: (grabs his head moaning) Make him shut-up! --The Authors and Assistants put on "Acme earmuffs." ACHEMED: (also moaning) Somebody shut that kid up, BEFORE I kill him! FRANK: Go ahead and kill him. AUTHOR: NO! --Rhapsody says one word. Suddenly, the set is silent. Boyo shuts his mouth in surprise. Everyone else unplugs their ears and stares at her-- ACHEMED: Thank you, Rhapsody. BOYO: She took my scream away! WOLVIE: (cries louder) Everyone hates me!! AUTHOR: Script. All Rhapsody said was the true name of silence and no sound can be heard in it's presence. Now SCRIPT! --Eatsalot grabs Magneato's foot-- MAGNEATO: Somebody save ME!! Make the monster go away! Please, I'm too young to die. HELP ME!! GUEST: I've never had this much fun watching anything in my life. MORE torture!! --Magneato slices Eatsalot's hand with "Sting", and Eatsalot tosses him away and sticks his finger in his mouth. Ardeth is across the room helping Carter, Angel hurries over and stabs Eatsalot with a spear. Eatsalot smashes him into the wall. Magneato shakes Angel but he doesn't move. Eatsalot stabs Magneato with the spear and he falls to the floor, not moving-- WOLVIE: (sees Magneato) NOOOO!!!! ONLY I CAN KILL HIM!! --He runs over and leaps on Eatsalot. Ardeth fires a shot at Eatsalot's mouth, as he tries to dislodge Wolvie. Wolvie snickts his claws and then slams them into Eatsalot's head. He falls over and Wolvie jumps off-- ARDETH: No more fighting. SPIKE: I hurt. BOYO: Angel's dead. CARTER: He wasn't supposed to die. SPIKE: Small loss. CHRIS: MUNGO!! MUNGO: Wha' no snap your fingah's? AUTHOR: Angel isn't that important. Ten minute break everybody. Is the magnet alive? WOLVIE: I'll find out. (runs over to Magneato and starts kicking him repeatedly) --Magneato doesn't move-- AUTHOR: Please tell me that wasn't an adamantium spear. LOGAN: (grabs the spear and pulls it out from under Magneato) It has blood on it. --Ardeth turns Magneato over, blood is pouring out of his neck. Gory aren't we? Sorry couldn't help it-- ARAGORN: (laughs) Looks like your troll missed his "Mithril" vest. MUNGO: 'Ow many times is 'e gonna die in this thing? An' do we 'ave to brin' the mons'er back? AUTHOR: Not till the end, just bring Angel and the dead runt, back. ASH: Now what? AUTHOR: I said breaktime, but with two dead we'll need more than ten minutes. Hour break, everyone. ENJOY!! CASSI: Now what was it you mentioned about The Rocketeer Spoof? AUTHOR: Oh, only that I was having second thoughts about sending Aragorn up in that plane. CASSI: The one with the clown suit? CHRIS: We should use someone older. HUMFREY: How about him? (points at Jameson) --From the ceiling comes the sound of incoherent laughter. Spiderman loses his grip and falls landing in front of the Authors and the Assistants. The things that fall off the ceiling these days. The bugs just get bigger and bigger-- CASSI: I knew we had a pest control problem. --Spidey jumps to his feet and bolts off set-- AUTHOR: Murdoc, Ryan? I have a job for you. --The Author hands Murdoc a picture of a beautiful red haired woman and an address-- AUTHOR: Don't come back without her. MURDOC: (nods) No problem. AUTHOR: Tell her we have an acting job for her. If that doesn't work, knock her out and kidnap her. RYAN: This should be fun. GUEST: Can I help? AUTHOR: No, but you can come out now. --A small skinny guy with red-orange hair and freckles exits the Green Room-- SPIKE: Doesn't look like much, does he? --Jameson jumps out of his seat and backs away looking terrified-- BUFFY: What's the big deal? He looks like a wimp! JAMESON: That "Wimp" is a serial killer. He's a psychopath! ARDETH: So are half the people on set. JAMESON: Trust me, he is dangerous. XANDER: Yeah, right. I could beat him up. AUTHOR: Have fun. --Xander approaches the man. Cletus Kasidy grins and scratches his neck. A blood like liquid comes out and covers his body in black and red colors. A huge mouth with teeth grins at Xander-- XANDER: Yep, that's Carnage. But I have all the Dark Lord Sauron's powers. SPIKE: Goodbye, Evil Beadyeye! --Xander makes a motion as if swatting a fly. Kasidy, or rather Carnage is thrown across the room and into a wall. Knocking him unconscious-- XANDER: (grins) You next Evil Dead? SPIKE: (open mouthed) Ah.......er...um...I think I'll pass. XANDER: (bows) Now that was fun. --Kasidy is no longer Carnage and pulls himself to his feet. He finds a seat far away from Xander. Smart.........kinda funny, isn't it-- ANGEL: Did I just see Xander do that? BUFFY: Yep. MAGNEATO: AHH!! It's EVIL BEADY EYE!! XANDER: (glares) Watch it, twerp! Unless you'd like to die a fourth time. MAGNEATO: (yelling) HELP! Beadyeyes, gonna get me! AUTHOR: Well I guess we can continue now. SPIKE: What happened to our hour? CHRIS: She changed her mind. KOVAC: (points a crossbow with a wooden stake) You got a problem? SPIKE: No. ROMANO: So now we continue. --Achemed falls out of his chair laughing, muttering something about vermin-- RHAPSODY: What's this about vermin? --Achemed gets back in his seat and motions for her to come over. Rhapsody sits down next to him and looks in the book. She grins and laughs-- HUMFREY: Script! --More Orcs, Mummies, and Goblins are heard coming-- MAGNETO: To the bridge of "Castle of Doom"! --They all run out into the cavern but are surrounded by Orcs, Mummies, and Goblins. Suddenly a huge roar and a loud whomping sound is heard. Ardeth and Carter exchange a look as the Orcs, Mummies, and Goblins disappear from sight-- CARTER: Run? ARDETH: (nods) RUN!! --Ardeth, Carter, Spike, Logan, Boyo & Wolvie bolt away. Ash leaps on Sara and they follow. As does Smash-- ANGEL: What's this new devilry? GANDALF: Good question, I destroyed the Balrog. CASSI: (does the Wolvie glare) Spoilsport! GANDALF: WHAT?! AUTHOR: Mags, Angel? You've been left. --Angel turns and sees the rest of them running. He, Magneato, and Magneto hurry and follow. Angel not paying attention, doesn't see the others come to a stop. He sees the drop off and teeters on the edge. Spike grabs him.....then he shakes his head-- SPIKE: Nu-uh. (pushes him off) --Angel grabs Spike and pulls him down with him. There is a loud bamf and Wagner grabs them and bamfs them back to the stairs. Then Wagner passes out. Smash throws him on his shoulder-- MAGNETO: Lead them on, Ardeth! The bridge is near! Do as I say! Swords are no use here! ARDETH: Oh yes they are! I know what that is! ANGEL: How? CARTER: Ardeth read the orange book. A Spell for Chameleon. It's the Gap Dragon! MAGNETO: It can't be! HUMFREY: Sounds like it. BINK: Where are the flames coming from? The Gap Dragon is a steamer. CHRIS: SCRIPT! --They come to a gap in the apparently endless staircase. Steam and smoke is all around them. Spike steps onto the steam-- SPIKE: Hand the X-Babies down. I'll get them across. --Carter hands Boyo, and Angel leaps across with Wolvie. Spike sets Boyo with Angel and Wolvie. Sara jumps with Carter and Ash on her back. Magneto gets across with his magnetic powers. The edge crumbles as Logan jumps and lands perfectly. More breaks off leaving Magneato, Ardeth, and Smash, who still has Wagner on his shoulder-- ARDETH: We're gonna die! --Smash grabs Magneato and throws him to Logan-- SMASH: Don't panic! CARTER: Come on! You guys can make it! ARDETH: How? --The piece Smash and Ardeth are standing on cracks and starts to move-- ARDETH: NOW WHAT?! SMASH: Lean forward! Can't you read a script? --Ardeth yanks out his script and looks at it-- ARDETH: Alright, we lean forward. (glances at Smash) I thought Ogres were dumb. SMASH: I'm not a normal Ogre. I'm half human. ARDETH: Right. --The section falls forward into the rest of the stair, allowing Smash, Wagner, and Ardeth to join the rest of the Fellowship. The staircase piece then tumbles below-- WOLVIE: Cool! Can we do it again? ARDETH: I'm alive! (breaths a sigh of relief) --More loud whomping sounds is heard and the......er ever growing Fellowship begins to run again-- CARTER: I hate stairs. (rubs his back in pain) ROLAND: (grabs the tranquilizer gun and fires it at Carter) AUTHOR: If that had MORPHINE in it......... CARTER: (looks dazed) WHEEE!!! CASSI: First your Isilder joins the Fellowship and now he is on morphine! ARDETH: Not FAIR!!! I want morphine! AUTHOR: You'll get some if you are good. Now do as you are told. CARTER: (pulls out his lightsaber and waves it around) ARDETH: (does the "Wolvie pout") Not fair. --Carter pulls a full syringe from his pocket and jams it in Ardeth's arm-- AUTHOR: I QUIT!! ARDETH: (grins dazed) CASSI: Alright, from here on out. Morphine is banned from the set, UNLESS it is needed for an emergency! ALL MORPHINE JUNKIES: HEY! AUTHOR: We can't have our stars drugged up. We're on break until they sober up. Ardeth, Carter, MEDLAB now! --Both go to medlab acting like children going to the Principals office-- CHRIS: Breaktime! CASSI: The next person who shoots someone up on Morphine has to stand in the corner, is that clear? ALL: Yes, yes. ROMANO: I'll try not to. AUTHOR: Assistants included. CASSI: Yep, no exceptions. (rather loud) YOU HEAR THAT CARTER?! CARTER: (from Medlab) NO!! CASSI: He'll be the first. You just wait. AUTHOR: Yeah, I figured. ACHEMED: What is Morphine? ROMANO: You don't want to know. Besides, they tried to gamble Aragorn out of his kingdom. You’re a King, they might want yours. RHAPSODY: Nobody wants his. He's the King of a bunch of monsters. ACHEMED: At least we're not "Arserags" like the Cym...... --Rhapsody attacks Achemed-- RHAPSODY: I really hate it when you use that name! ACHEMED: What?! It's true! Especially for "Waterboy"! BUFFY: Waterboy? RHAPSODY: (punches Achemed) Don't you call him that! ACHEMED: (kicks her away) Why not?! --A loud roar interrupts them and they both freeze. A tall ugly green guy with lots of swords on his back is standing at the door. Next to him is a man in armor with copper colored hair and a cloak of mist-- GWYDIAN: Are they beating each other up like children? AUTHOR: We cracked them. GRUNTHER: An' jus' 'owed you manage that? CASSI: We brought them on set? GWYDIAN: What are they fighting over? SPIKE: Something about a Waterboy who's a arserag. GWYDIAN: (glares at Achemed) ACHEMED: She started it! RHAPSODY: (hits him) Did NOT! You did! ACHEMED: (hits her back) --Rhapsody tackles him and they return to their fight-- GRUNTHER: Oi never though' Oi'd see the day. BUFFY: Twenty bucks says she wins. LOGAN: Maybe, the guy is an Assassin. GWYDIAN: You're taking BETS?! CASSI: Well yeah. AUTHOR: He'll let her win. ACHEMED: WHAT?! --Rhapsody decks him, knocking him cold-- BUFFY: (holds out her hand) Pay up, dear. LOGAN: (mutters and pulls out his wallet) Here. (hands over a twenty) GWYDIAN: What a strange place. RHAPSODY: Oh hello, Sam. CASSI: Sam? AUTHOR: We skipped that part of the book. CASSI: Oh, right. DOR: Can we continue? RING: Yeah, I'm getting bored. GWYDIAN: This place frightens me. SPIKE: What a wuss. ACHEMED: (from the floor) That's Waterboy. SPIKE: Right, nice to meet you, Waterboy. BOYO: Can we continue? AUTHOR: Not until the stars are off of Morphine. --Several hours later Ardeth and Carter and no longer higher then kites and we return to the bridge of "Castle of Doom"-- ARDETH: I don't see why we can't be on Morphine. AUTHOR: You don't need it. Now script. --The Fellowship FINALLY arrives at the bridge and starts hurrying across. They all turn as a huge gust of fire goes up behind them and then.........suddenly...a tiny dragon the size of a compy emerges-- LOGAN: You have got to be kidding me. THAT is the dragon everyone is afraid of?! AUTHOR: No. ARDETH: That's not the Gap Dragon. SPIKE: (laughs) That's pathetic....... DRAGON SAMS: Was that an insult? (growls) LOGAN: What a runt. SPIKE: Totally. CASSI: Fry um, Sams! --Sams lets out a large belch of flame that blackens Logan and turns Spike into a pile of ash-- ACHEMED: Why did that happen? DAWN: (carrying a bucket of water) He's a vampire. (dumps the bucket on the pile) --Spike is again himself, although a bit crispy. That's what you get for making fun of a miniature dragon-- CASSI: Nice job, Sams. Now move so the big one can come out. BRIDGE OF "CASTLE OF DOOM" *************************** --Dot arrives with her Jawa Tour group-- DOT: And here we are at this sacred place. The "Mines of Moira". This is the bridge of "Castle of Doom" Where Gandalf the Grey, faced off to the Balrog for the first time. The event in his life that made him become Gandalf the White. JAWAS: (ohh&ahh and take pictures of Gandalf, who stands and bows) BILBO: I'm not gonna ask. LEGOLAS: Neither am I. DOT: (continues) Now remember, don't make any sudden moves if one of the local animals should appear. Don't feed them, they might think you are the main course. --Two Jawas take pictures of the Fellowship standing on the bridge. They are wearing t-shirts saying "I heart Dwarflands" and "Hard Rock Cafe: Moria"-- DOT: Now we must move on to our next stop. Say goodbye to the Fellowship. --The Jawas wave and leave with Dot-- CARTER: Now about the big dragon...... --He is cut off by a loud "whomping" sound. A gigantic dragon as big as Ralph, or maybe bigger, with green, orange, blue, and purple hyde comes into view. The dragon is missing one of his ears-- SMASH: Uh-oh.... ANGEL: What do you mean "Uh-oh"? What's that mean, do you know something? SMASH: I fought him and knocked off his ear. I won the fight. GAP DRAGON**later Stanley Steamer**: (growling) YOU! ARDETH: I vote we leave the half Ogre to the dragon and depart quickly. --Smash nods and hands the still unconscious Wagner to Ardeth-- AUTHOR: Um....Smash isn't supposed to fight him. Magneto is, so SCRIPT! --Everyone except Magneto and Smash cross the bridge. Magneto stands in the middle of the bridge facing the Gap Dragon. Sams is making fire all round-- MAGNETO: You cannot pass! GAP DRAGON: Hey! I'm the one who guards things! Not YOU!! AUTHOR: Ahem! GAP DRAGON: Sorry. MAGNEATO: Big ME!!! --A wave of flame spreads across the Gap Dragon, courtesy of Sams. The Gap Dragon lets out a blast of hot steam. Smash becomes his huge ugly Ogre form-- MAGNETO: I am a servant of the secret fire, wielder of the flame of "An-oar"! Dark fire shall not avail you, flame of "UN-DONE"! MUNGO: Un-done wha'? Food? I'm 'ungry. CASSI: Then find a Jawa Dink Dink. We're watching this. AUTHOR: Indeed, now back to the script! --The Gap Dragon's arm wings start flapping and Magneto is blown off the bridge. He falls for a distance then disappears-- CARTER: That was fast. --The Gap Dragon heads toward Smash-- GAP DRAGON: Round two, Ogre. --Smash grabs the dragon's nose as he dives for him. He holds the dragon's jaws closed. The Gap Dragon waves his head jerkily, trying to dislodge the un-wanted passenger. The Fellowship, instead of running like they should, watch in interest. Tandy runs toward Smash-- HUMFREY: Tandy, DON'T!! --Tandy's face turns red with rage and then she swings her arms as if she's throwing something. The Gap Dragon is thrown back and lays, stunned, on the floor-- BUFFY: Wow, what did you do? TANDY: ( in embarrassment) I threw a tantrum. SPIKE: Interesting talent. SMASH: (grabs Tandy and gets off the bridge) Hurry, before he regains his senses. ARDETH: (grabs Murdoc's rocket launcher and blows the bridge) Now we go. (puts Murdoc's toy back with Murdoc's other stuff) --The Fellowship, now adding another member......not that it matters...Anyway, they hurry out of the mines-- KOVAC: Well at least they didn't increase their numbers. They lost one and gained one. CASSI: Don't forget Wagner. WAGNER: (awake now) Zat is okay, I vill go back into to hiding, now. AUTHOR: Fine with me, script. --Wagner bamfs and Magneato has to be dragged forcefully out of the mines-- MAGNEATO: But what if he is alive and hurt where he fell? CASSI: Oh, he's alive and un-hurt. Believe me. However, a few hours or days from now he may not be. AUTHOR: We don't care now. Script, where he is at, will be mentioned later. KOVAC: Well the Fellowship remains twelve. --Everyone escapes into sunlight. Magneato begins weeping-- MAGNEATO: Big me is GONE. No more FATHEAD!! (racking sobs) Only me, Marblebrains. I'm all alone!! ALL: (incoherent laughter) DOR: (laughing) Somebody get that kid an Oscar! CASSI: He gets a lot of them. AUTHOR: Um.....Fellowship? You're all supposed to be crying. Magneato was only supposed to shed one tear. Wolvie was the one supposed to be sobbing. WOLVIE: (laughing so hard he's crying) I AM crying!! AUTHOR: Wrong type of tears. WOLVIE: Why should I cry over the Big Bucket? Over Fathead, himself. (gives a disgusted look) I'd rather eat horse manure. CASSI: I know where you can find some. WOLVIE: (flatly) I said, I would sooner do that, but I don't plan to do either. LOGAN: (through his laughter) That would have been so fun to watch. SPIKE: This is funny enough. CASSI: Why wasn't this in the movie? ARDETH: Spike, get that wuss, Marblebrains, off the ground! MAGNEATO: (continues sobbing) ANGEL: Give him a moment, for pity's sake! ARDETH: By nightfall, these hills will be crawling with Orcs! We must reach the "Woods of Loth-lor-in" Get him up. We must leave. --The scene switches to the Fellowship in the woods. The arrow container that Spike has on his back is now full of arrows....Where as, when they exited the mines there were only two arrows left. That's one of the things I don't get. How do things that aren't living multiply? The things they never teach in school. What does this teach us? Never eat icecream while standing on your head. It might drip into your nose-- LOGAN: (stares) You're disturbing. DYLAN: Never dance while you eat waterfalls. SPIKE: SHE is more disturbing. DAWN: I got one. Don't sew your mouth shut. You may never get it open again. AUTHOR: Script now. They enter "Loth-lore-in" LOGAN: Stay close X-Babies. I smell intruders and I hear them. They say a great insano Sorceress lives here, an "Elvis" Witch of terrible power. All those who look upon her fall under her spell, and are never seen again. SPIKE: That's a load of crap. This is Glory, we're talking about. MAGNEATO: (jumps as Glory speaks to his mind) GLORY:*Magneato, your coming is as the footsteps of doom. You bring a great evil here, Ringbearer!* LOGAN: We've got company, crew. --They are suddenly surrounded by Vampires, Jellicles, Yakko, and Wakko. All with drawn bows-- YAKKO: The mutant runt breathes to loud, we could have shot him in the dark. LOGAN: Which would have accomplished no more, than making me very angry. That is, if it didn't bounce off me and kill someone else. I heard YOUR approach half an hour ago. Your troop makes enough noise to wake the dead. WOLVIE: I heard them. YAKKO: We should stew him and have meat for years to come. ARDETH: (in Elvis) Yakko, of "Lore-I-in"! We have come for help. We need your protection. LOGAN: What did you say? Ardeth, these woods are perilous! SMASH: They are not. You want perilous, enter the dragon lands, the earth area, the water wing, the goblin section, and let's not forget the fire region, the air region..... TANDY: (makes a face) The Void. SMASH: The Gourd...... AUTHOR: Are you done? CASSI: The spoofset... SMASH: Sorry, I just find that the word "perilous", shouldn't be taken lightly. CHRIS: Script! SCRIPT: I'm tired of people yelling my name! RING: You said it. GWYDIAN: This is very disturbing. RHAPSODY: Ignore it. AUTHOR: (glares) Can we continue? LOGAN: We should go back! YAKKO: You have entered the realm of the Lady of the Wood. You cannot go back. Come, she is waiting. LOGAN: (to Ardeth) What did you say to him?! Did you tell him we needed help? We don't! CARTER: (to Ardeth in "Elvis") What a loser! ARDETH: (in "Elvis") You said it. LOGAN: You are talking about me. I know it. (glares) AUTHOR: Spoof now! --The Fellowship enters the Elven city in the trees, requiring a lot of stair climbing. We just can't get enough of these seemingly unending stairs. They are brought before Imhotep and Glory-- IMHOTEP: Twelve there are here, but eleven there were....(pauses) Wait, if they left with eleven and now have twelve and the big buckethead isn't here, you must have added a few. SMASH&TANDY: (wave) IMHOTEP: Where is Fathead? For I much desired to humiliate him more. GLORY: He has fallen into shadow...... JULIAN: You have a problem with that? GLORY: Not THAT kind of shadow! AUTHOR: Uh, no he's right. That kind of shadow, you see Fathead was supposed to do battle with the balrog thingie. However, the Grand-Alf killed it, so we sent him to the Shadowworld to have a nice game with Julian's wraith relatives. JULIAN: All of them? AUTHOR: Yes. JULIAN: Ouch. What happens if he doesn't make it? AUTHOR: We replace him......(pause)Don't worry! He'll win, we rigged the game. Now back to the script! GLORY: The quest stands on the edge of a knife. Stray but a little and it will fail, to the ruin of all. Yet hope remains as long as the company stays true. Do not let your hearts be troubled. Go now, and rest for all of you are weary with toil and much sorrow. Tonight you shall sleep in peace. BUFFY: (quietly) More likely in pieces. This is Glory. GLORY: (to Marblebrains...(what?!) *Welcome, Magneato of the Shire, one who has seen the Beady Eye!* --A Jawa passing Rhapsody with a food cart trips and splatters food all over Rhapsody. Who lets out a long line of obscenities, which for the sake of everyone reading, we won't list. Every flower and plant on set shrivels and dies-- GRUNDY: Ouch! Now that was cursing. ACHEMED: See, manners of a Firbolg. --Rhapsody looks devastated and horrified. She begins to cry, rather loudly. Achemed let's out a moan of pain and slides to the floor-- SPIKE: What is wrong with him? AUTHOR: His skin is VERY sensitive to vibrations, when Rhapsody cries, it causes him pain. CARTER: (grins) Pain? CASSI: Yep. --Carter walks over to Achemed, and pull a syringe out of his pocket and injects it into Achemed's arm-- AUTHOR: (glares) CARTER!!! CARTER: You said he was in pain! AUTHOR: Yes, but as soon as she stops crying he's fine. (Author snaps her fingers, causing the plants and flowers to return to normal) GRUNTHOR: Yer Ladyship, the plants are alriogh' now. --Rhapsody looks up and wipes away her tears-- ACHEMED: (dazed) I feel better.......look at all the spots on the ceiling. AUTHOR: CARTER, CORNER! CARTER: But...what about the spoof? CASSI: You're not supposed to be part of the Fellowship anyway. Besides, you can rejoin after we decide that you've learned your lesson. --Carter does the "Wolvie pout" and goes over to the corner-- AUTHOR: NOW........we can continue. --Several knee high spiders crawl across the set and to the otherside. Ug, we need an exterminator. Our bug problem is getting worse-- RHAPSODY: Very big bugs. CASSI: They aren't near as big as Jumper is. BUFFY: Jumanji spiders, I take it? AUTHOR: Well of course. Now script. --Singing is heard and most of the set falls asleep. Jiggly walks through with her microphone. When she notices almost everyone is asleep she glares-- JIGGLYPUFF: Jiggly, Jiggly, puff, puff! GRUNDY: That was a really bad word! CASSI: You're awake this time. GRUNDY: Yes, I'm not sure how I fell asleep last time. I understood what she was singing. Beautiful, very beautiful. JIGGLYPUFF: Jiggly (blushes) GRUNDY: Jiggly puff, jiggly. JIGGLYPUFF: (smiles) DOR: Nice to have a translator around. IRENE: At least I stayed awake this time. AUTHOR: Wake everyone up. This isn't nap time! IRENE: I could grow some silverbell plants, would that help? AUTHOR: Nah, we'll just do it the traditional way. (hands Chris a Megaphone and plugs her ears) CASSI: (does the same) CHRIS: (yelling as loud as he can into the megaphone) WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!! --Everyone on set jerks awake. Jiggly bows and exits-- GRUNDY: What a sweet creature. IRENE: You are actually complementing something? GRUNDY: You got a problem with that Green hair? You want one? You have nice legs.. IRENE: (kicks at him) Stupid RAT! SPIKE: Hey don't insult the little guy! CASSI: Why, remembering your browniehood? SPIKE: (glares) AUTHOR: Alright back to the script! CHRIS: Alright then, we're supposed to have singing. AUTHOR: Skip the singing, follow the lines. ACHEMED: (waves his hand and laughs) GRUNTHOR: That's disturbing. --Murdoc and Ryan enter dragging a beautiful red haired woman with green eyes-- MJ**From now on Mary-Jane W. Parker will be referred to as MJ, as it is shorter** You'll never get away with this. JAMESON: They already have. MJ: Mr Jameson? What's going on? AUTHOR: We want you bug husband to get his butt back on our set. He's been taking pictures without our permission. CASSI: That is a MAJOR offence. CHRIS: Now sit down and shut up. We have to continue! RING: Yeah, I wanna do my part. MJ: (faints) KOVAC: Well that made it easier. At least she is quiet now. Alright, no music, just pretend. SPIKE: A lament for Fathead. ALL: (laugh incoherently) MAGNEATO: But Fathead is not really dead. He's just in the "Shadowland" DOR: Does that really matter? CASSI: Yeah, in the Fugitive, Carter was being charged for killing his wife, only she wasn't his wife and she wasn't dead. HUMFREY: You have got to be kidding. That makes absolutely no sense at all! CASSI: That was the point....that there wasn't a point. AUTHOR: Script, or I'll shoot a random person. BOYO: (to Spike) What do they say about him? SPIKE: About who? BOYO: The Great Wizard Fathead! SPIKE: He's not dead. AUTHOR: (growls) SPIKE: I'm not talking about that Fatheaded bucket guy! KOVAC: THEN SCRIPT! ARDETH: Take some rest, Angel. These borders are well protected. ANGEL: Why? So Spike can slit my throat while sleep? AUTHOR: Kovac, get me the Flamethrower! CHRIS: (hands it to Kovac who points it at Angel) I can't wait, just mess it up. ANGEL: (to Ardeth) I shall find no rest here. I heard a voice inside my head. (under breath) Great I'm turning into Dru! (cont) She spoke of my father and the fall of (pause and grins) "Gone-door" She said to me, even now, there is hope left, but I cannot see it. RING: Well, that's because you are stupid. ANGEL: Am NOT! RING: ARE TOO! ANGEL: AM NOT! RING: ARE TOO! ARTOO: (very confused beep) ANGEL: AM NOT! RING: ARE TOO! ANGEL: NOT!! RING: TOO!! CASSI: Will you both SHUT UP?!? RING: Why? WAKKO: Because she said so. RING: Do I care? AUTHOR: I guess we'll throw the Ring into Mount Doom, after all. RING: Alright, I'm quiet. ANGEL: It is long since we had any hope. My father is a noble man, but...um...er.."Is-All" is failing; and people lose faith. My father looks to me to set it right, and I would do it, I would see the glory of "Gone-door" restored. ARDETH: (yawns loudly) CARTER: Can I come out yet? AUTHOR: No, and NO talking, face the corner. ANGEL: Have you seen it, Ardeth? The white tower of um....."Eck-the-lion"(well that is how it is spelled. Look it up if you have to.) CASSI: There's a lion named Eck? AUTHOR: (shrugs) There's a dinosaur named Bill, it could happen. ANGEL: (cont) Glimmering like a spike of pearl and silver. COSMO: A lion named Eck, who glimmers like pearl and silver. GERARD: That must be some lion. ANGEL: (cont) It's banners caught high in the morning breeze. BIGGS: That's an interesting lion. AUTHOR: Would you STUPID Marshals shut up about the deranged and mutated lion? ARAGON: Didn't Pippin chase the lion away? AUTHOR: Get out of here and finish your game. Angel finish your line. ANGEL: Have you ever been called home by the clear ringing of silver trumpets? ARDETH: No, have you? ANGEL: No, but it would have been nice. KOVAC: I'm I gonna get to fry someone? CARTER: (horrified) NOT MY FRIEND! KOVAC: I meant Angel. Ardeth follow your script! ARDETH: I have seen the White City, long ago. COSMO: What about the lion? AUTHOR: If you ask again, I'll shoot you. COSMO: Right, no lion. ANGEL: One day, our paths will lead us there, and the tower guard will take up the call; the lords of "Gone-door" have returned! DOR: Only if they are on Morphine. VOICE FROM DOOR: What the *beep* is wrong with him? RHAPSODY: Jo? But you died! AUTHOR: Yeah well, we wanted her on set. She came from behind the vale. JO: Alright, now what's wrong with Achemed? I've NEVER seen him act like that before. CASSI: Morphine, it does that to people. AUTHOR: Script! Jo, sit down! JO: (sits with Rhapsody) ARDETH: Um, I'll pass, Soulboy. AUTHOR: Alright, and we switch to night time. --Glory passes through and only Marblebrains follows her. Since everyone else is playing cards-- MAGNEATO: Do I have to? AUTHOR: Yes. DOR: Right, so Marblebrains follows her to a basin set in stone. Which she fills with water from a silver pitcher. GLORY: Will you look in the mirror? MAGNEATO: (looks around) What mirror? GLORY: (points at the basin) MAGNEATO: Oh sorry. I thought it was a fancy birdbath. ELROND: Good thing Galadriel's not here. AUTHOR: Ahem. MAGNEATO: What will I see? WOLVIE: Your ugly face! MAGNEATO: (glares) GLORY: Not even the wisest can say.......wait, you mean there still are wise people in the world? AUTHOR: That wasn't funny. GLORY: Right. The mirror shows many things. Things that are, things that were, and some things that have not yet come to pass. MAGNEATO: (looks in the mirror) I see myself dying AGAIN. A bunch of Dog-headed guys. Some guy in a bloody t-shirt. A half a guy in a..... AUTHOR: SHUT UP! MAGNEATO: (still looking in the mirror) --The Evil Beady Eye of Xander appears and the ring grows heavier, trying to pull itself down into the mirror. Marblebrains falls into the basin causing all the water to fall out and the edge to dent.....ALWAYS BREAKING THINGS-- ELROND: Ouch....Galadriel is going to be pissed. MAGNEATO: (falls to the ground) Waahh!! The bad water tried to EAT me! LUKE: There's a new one. Carnivous water. GERARD: (to Marblebrains) About this guy in a bloody t-shirt. What did he look like? MAGNEATO: (stares) Like a guy in a bloody t-shirt! What? You want details? Why don't you look in the stupid killer water, yourself? COSMO: He can't, you broke it. ASH: Let me check. (looks in the mirror) Oh OW!! That one had to hurt! (looks up) It still works. (runs to the bathroom covering his mouth.)**Coughs"Chaos Theory"** MISTY: It can't be that bad.....(looks in) Oh cute, look at that! Little kids dressed as doctors. (calmly walks off) KOVAC: I really don't want to know. MAGNEATO: It tried to eat me! ASH: (re-enters...he glances over at Romano, who is talking with Cassi, before going back to his seat.) AUTHOR: Script! Forget the guy in the bloody t-shirt, the little doctors, and the big ouchie. MIRROR: I know all about it. I am so wise and beautiful. Nothing like that dimestore Ring. RING: You stupid stuck up mirror! AUTHOR: You say one more word, you mirror, and we will dump you into the Bog of Eternal Stench. ARAGORN: I don't think Galadriel will be happy about that. AUTHOR: I don't care. She's not here. Now script. GLORY: I know what it is you saw....or most of it. MAGNEATO: Well du-uh! I said what I saw. GLORY: It is what is will come to pass on the spoofset. The Fellowship is breaking. Already it has begun. He will try to take the Ring. You know whom it is I speak of. One by one, it will destroy them all! RING: Oh yes, I'm so great and powerful. I will RULE THE WORLD! (laughs evilly) MAGNEATO: (to Glory) If you want this big-mouthed crappy Ring, you can have it. Just keep it as far away from me as possible. I'm getting very tired of it. GLORY: Not a chance. I don't even want to touch that stupid thing. RING: I am not STUPID! MAGNEATO: Darn it! I cannot do this alone! GLORY: You are a Ringbearer, Magneato. To bear a Ring of Power is to be alone. This task was appointed to you, and if you do not find a way, no one will. MAGNEATO: Oh well. Small loss. I don't live here. COSMO: This is boring. AUTHOR: Script! MAGNEATO: Can we take a break? AUTHOR: (sighs) Fine. CHRIS: (yelling) BREAKTIME!! ONE DAY LATER ******************************************************************** Hmm, I feel like a random insanity break...Did you know that when you mix bleach with laundry detergent, it turns pink? You know you can make C-3 out of kitchen chemicals. Seriously, my Principals of Tech teacher told us. Although, she couldn't tell us WHICH chemicals it was. I've been thinking, you remember all them dumb commercials you see on TV? Why can't they get more exciting. Like when the man on a roof holding a TV throws it off the roof, why didn't the guy fall off? It would have been funnier. But no, commercials can't be funny, they have to be annoying. WE should ban those EVIL boredom spots. We should protest!! And remember, never pretend draino is kool-aid, it might just kill you. And now back to your regularly scheduled spoof ******************************************************************** AUTHOR: Now we can continue. SPIKE: That was one long break. CHRIS: She had a headache. AUTHOR: Spoof now, this is almost over. ALL: (breathe a sigh of relief) CASSI: I guess it would be better if we didn't mention that there were two more movies. SPIKE: Great! LOGAN: They're not bad once the dwarf was dead. COSMO: I want to see that lion...... AUTHOR: (shoots him in the arm) Next time, I'm shooting you in the head. GERARD: (laughs) COSMO: (glares and stomps into med-lab) KOVAC: Now we go to "Iss-Ann-Guard" ISS-ANN-GUARD ************************ --Xavier is talking with the Scorpion King, who is covered in black body paint. The Bracelet of "Ann-u-Bus" is on his wrist-- XAVIER: Do you know how orcs first came into being? They were elves once, taken by the dark powers, tortured, mutilated. A ruined and terrible fall of life, and since I'm lazy, I'm bypassing perfecting them and using you to raise the army of "Ann-u-Bus" Who do you serve? SCORPION KING: Well since you brought me back, I guess you. --Now we switch to Xavier, addressing a small portion of the "Army of "Ann-u-Bus"-- XAVIER: Hunt them down. Do not stop until you have found them. You do not know pain, you do not know fear, you will taste man-flesh! One of the X-Babies carries something of great value. Bring them to me alive and unspoiled! Kill the others! --The seen switches back to the Fellowship departing in three boats. We switch to when Glory gives Marblebrains the small glass container with water in it....yes, more of the killer water-- GLORY: Farewell, Marblebrain Bagless. I give you the light of "Ear-on-Dill"..... ROMANO: That sounds like an entree. GLORY: Our, most beloved star. "New-mar-I" ROMANO: That sounds like a wine of some kind. GLORY: (glaring now) May it be a light for you in dark places, where all other lights go out. MAGNEATO: Gee, a container of water from the killer birdbath. AUTHOR: That isn't funny. ACHEMED: (laughs and waves his lightsaber around) JO: This is great! RHAPSODY: I disagree. GWYDIAN: This is disturbing. GRUNTHOR: Oi'd 'ave to agree with that. BUFFY: Well least we don't have a whole bunch on Morphine. --Cosmo exits med-lab with a dopey look on his face-- BIGGS: You were saying? BUFFY: Figures. COSMO: I feel great Sammy, can I get shot more often? GERARD: Um..(raises an eyebrow) Let me think about it. CARTER: Can I come out now? AUTHOR: Fine. --Carter joins Ardeth, Marblebrain, and Ash. Sara is swimming beside the boat. They paddle off down the river-- COSMO: (starts singing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" and waves his gun) AUTHOR: I swear if I find out who in medlab shot him up on Morphine..... COSMO: Dr. Dave. DAVE: What? AUTHOR: (glares) Somebody shoot him! --Carter pulls out his gun and shoots Dave in the head. Ahh...more murder and mayhem. Sorry to all you Dave fans you read this. I did mention in The Youth Elixer one that Carter had killed him three times-- AUTHOR: Thank you. MUNGO: Oi 'ate this! (drags Dave out) CHRIS: Now we can continue..... --An X-Wing speeds past with three monkeys in the cockpit-- CHRIS: (cont, as if nothing had happened) As the company rounds a bend in the river. ARDETH: (taps Marblebrain on the shoulder) Marblebrain....the "Area-Gore-Path" Long have I desired to look upon the kings of old, my kin. CARTER: I don't see any gore path. --Ahead of them are two really big ugly statues, with bird nests in their eyes. I think they need a maintenance crew up there. That is soo messy. The Fellowship goes past the ugly dudes and into a large lake area, where they find an old moorage.. (whatever that is) And beach, their boats-- CASSI: Look at the pretty waterfall! COSMO&ACHEMED: (singing) Oohh Waterfall...... GERARD: (moves away from them) WAGNER: Do you mind if I join you for a vile? ARDETH: Nah, go ahead. CARTER: (pulls out a deck of cards) Anybody want to play? AUTHOR: After they finish their lines. SMASH: Glad I'm out of there. TANDY: Definitely. SARA: (shakes off the water) ARDETH: We cross at nightfall, hide the boats and continue on foot. We approach "More-Dirt" from the north. HUMFREY: That name is ridiculous! CASSI: Yes, but we always mess things up. ANGEL: Yep. Like "Eck the Lion" AUTHOR: It's a good thing you die. Otherwise I would kill you myself. ANGLEL: What do you mean I DIE?! AUTHOR: You don't see Borimir on set, do you? CARTER: Yeah, but neither is that Newman guy, and Ardeth lived. GERARD: That was four years before his death. ARDETH: Wait a second. (looks at the Author) Didn't you say there was a second movie? AUTHOR: Script now! LOGAN: Oh? Just a simple matter of finding our way across......."M&M Meal" CASSI: I'm hungry. AUTHOR: (rings a bell) --Jawa Dink-Dinks come through with carts full of M&M packages. Once everyone is served we continue-- LOGAN: An impossible Labryinth of razor sharp rocks! And, then it gets even better! Festering, stinking marshmallowlands as far as the eye can see. WOLVIE: Oh boy. I want to go! BOYO: FOOD!! Lotsa food! ARDETH: That is our road, Sir Mutant. Perhaps you should take some rest, and recover your strength. SMASH: Marshmallows and M&Ms. Reminds me of the cake and candy area in the Gourd. TANDY: Is that where you ate the horse manure? SMASH: Actually, it was licorice. But close enough. SPIKE: I'm not hungry anymore. LOGAN: (to Ardeth) I have a healing factor my strength has recovered for some time. SPIKE: We should leave now. ARDETH: No, vampires patrol the eastern shore. We must wait for the cover of darkness. (pauses) That's a little redundant. ALL: (laugh incoherently) SPIKE: Right so they can kill us. ARDETH: It's in the script! CASSI: Kinda pointless. PIPPIN: (runs through with the lion chasing him again, then they exit) DOR: Script. SCRIPT: What? DOR: Quiet! SCRIPT: Why? DOR: Quiet or I'll burn you. SCRIPT: So? Then I'll be a talking pile of ashes. My skin is too pasty anyway, I need to darken my complexion. HUMFREY: We'll let Bill pee on you. SCRIPT: I'm quiet! DOR: Now we can continue. SPIKE: It is not the eastern shore that worries me. A shadow and a threat has been growing in my mind. Something draws near, I can feel it. BUFFY: A fancy way of saying; I have a bad feeling about this. ARDETH&CARTER: (glare at Spike) WOLVIE: (crying) Now we're gonna die! BOYO: (returns from gathering firewood) Where is Marblebrains? --They all look around and find that Angel is also missing-- ARDETH: Is that good or bad? WOLVIE: Maybe they ran off together. ALL: (laugh) CARTER: After what Spike said? Very bad. SARA: I'll protect you Ash. (stands guard) --We switch to Marblebrains walking in the forest. Angel finds him-- ANGEL: None of us should wander alone, you least of all. So much depends on you. Marblebrain? I know why you seek solitude. You suffer, I see it day by day. Be sure you do not suffer needlessly. There are other ways, Marblebrain, other paths we might take. MAGNEATO: I don't trust you. Glory said you were the bad guy. She said you would try to steal Precious away from me. ANGEL: I am NOT a bad guy! AUTHOR: Mags Jr., script! MAGNEATO: I know what you would say, and it would sound like wisdom, but for the warning in my heart. ANGEL: Warning? Against what? They are all afraid, but to let that fear drive us, to destroy what hope we have.....Don't you see? It's madness. MAGNEATO: There is no other way..... --The ground rumbles and Angel and Marblebrains jump out of the way as a stampede runs through. Then they stand and Marblebrain backs away from Angel-- ANGEL: Why do you recoil? I am no thief! MAGNEATO: You are a BAD MAN!! You are not yourself, anymore! ANGEL: Yes I AM! KOVAC: Script or crispy critter....or better yet......GEORGE! ANGEL: I ask only for the strength to defend my people! If you would but LEND me the Ring. COSMO: (yelling) I wanna borrow it TOO! Lemme see it! MAGNEATO: You can't see it unless you pay five bucks. --Cosmo gives Marblebrains a five and is shown the Ring-- MAGNEATO: (to Angel) No! --Angel dives toward Marblebrains and they struggle. Marblebrain puts the Ring on and vanishes from sight. Angel is kicked and Marblebrain escapes, still invisible-- ANGEL: (yelling) I see your mind! You would take the ring to Xander! YOU will betray us! You will go to your death, and the death of us all! Curse YOU! CURSE ALL YOU X-BABIES!! (Angel falls and recovers himself) Marblebrain? Marblebrain? What have I done? Marblebrain, I'm sorry. --Marblebrain doesn't hear him and keeps running with the Ring still on. He hides atop a stone platform in the woods, looks east and sees.... "Bar-add-Doer" and an army of Vampires, mummies, and orcs. And the Evil Beady Eye of Xander. He falls off the platform and takes the Ring off. Ardeth arrives-- ARDETH: Magneato? MAGNEATO: It has taken Angel. ARDETH: What has? MAGNEATO: The Ring. RING: I love making people crazy. All in a days work. MAGNEATO: See? ARDETH: I swore I'd protect you. MAGNEATO: Can you protect me from yourself? Would you destroy it? ARDETH: I don't want that thing anymore then Carter did. Do I look STUPID? MAGNEATO: Good point. But you aren't coming with me. ARDETH: I would have gone with you to the end, into the very fires of "More-Dirt" MAGNEATO: I know. Take care of the others. Especially, Ash. He will not understand. ASH: Don't let the door hit you on the way out. AUTHOR: Ahem. You aren't in this scene. ARDETH: Go, Magneato! --Sting is glowing-- CASSI: Wow, the sword glows for the army of "Ann-U-Bus" ARDETH: WHAT?!?!?! (pulls out his lightsaber) RUN! RUN! --Marblebrains runs as the army of "Ann-U-bus" starts entering-- SCORPION KING: Find the X-Babies, find the X-Babies. --Carter joins Ardeth with his own lightsaber and they start killing the dog-headed guys. Spike and Logan arrive. Spike ditches his bow and arrows and pulls out his lightsaber. Logan snickts his claws and they start tearing into them. Marblebrains runs away, and sees Wolvie and Boyo hiding-- WOLVIE: You stay away! AUTHOR: Ahem. WOLVIE: Right. Here Mags. Make yourself a target and come join us. MAGNEATO: (shakes his head) WOLVIE: What's he doing? BOYO: He's leaving us to get caught! WOLVIE: Figures. FINE GO SCRAM! You SISSY BABY! (bolts from his hiding places) I'm gonna kick YOUR BUTT!! BOYO: *Bleep, bleep* Now we have to RUN! --They bolt off with the "Ann-U-bus" warrior in pursuit. Angel appears and starts fighting them off. (he blows the horn a couple times) Ardeth and the others hear the horn after they kill off all the ones they were fighting-- ARDETH: Sounds like Angel's in trouble. SPIKE: So? Angel can take care of himself. DOR: You have to go help him. ARDETH: Why? DOR: Because it's in the script. SPIKE: Since when does that matter? LOGAN: It doesn't. Lets just let them die. CARTER: I agree. AUTHOR: Hello? You're letting the Scorpion King get away. ARDETH: We'd better go. --We switch back to Angel fighting a bunch of the dogheaded dudes. Wolvie and Boyo watch and take pictures obviously, for Spike. The Scorpion King enters and fires and arrow at Angel hitting him in the chest. Angel keeps fighting-- WOLVIE: Still going. BOYO: Can he die yet? --The Scorpion King shoots Angel again and Angel STILL keeps fighting-- BOYO: Is he dead yet? WOLVIE: (yawns) Not yet. CYKE: I agree. WOLVIE: Copycat! CYKE: Ugly face! WOLVIE: Geek! CYKE: Hairy back! WOLVIE: Puke head! CYKE: Jerk Face! BOYO: Angel's dead. --Ardeth attacks the Scorpion King. The ugly dog dudes watch, amused, and Wolvie and Cyke are still arguing-- CARTER: (yelling) GET HIM, ARDETH!!! --The Scorpion King throws Ardeth into a tree. Carter leaps on his back and starts strangling him-- MURDOC: Interesting. IMHOTEP: (is laughing) --Ardeth gets up and returns to swordfighting with the Scorpion Dude. Carter is still clinging to the Scorpion King's back-- RICK: Isn't that unfair? IMHOTEP: Not really but then you should consider, when we were supposed to face the guy. RICK: Good point. (to Ardeth & Carter) KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK! ARDETH: (slices off the Scorpion Dude's hand off and the Bracelet hits the ground) Got you! --The ugly dogdudes dissolve into the ground and Carter jumps off just before Ardeth slices the Scorpion King's head-- WOLVIE: Weren't we supposed to be X-Babynapped? BOYO: By what? A blob of black sand? FIDDLES: THAT isn't black sand.........I know what black sand is. It is EVIL, EVIL I TELL YOU! WOLVIE: I won't ask. ARDETH: (looks at Angel's corpse which has about 15 arrows in it) Oops, I guess we took too long. SPIKE: Oh well, what a small loss. ARDETH: I thought the end scene was stupid anyway. CASSI: Yep. AUTHOR: Well, we didn't want to see Ardeth kiss Angel anyway. SPIKE: (runs to the bathroom covering his mouth) ARDETH: KISS?! CASSI: On the FOREHEAD! --An earthquake rocks the set-- CHRIS: Sounds like "Jew-man-jai" is almost finished. HUMFREY: We switch to Marblebrain who is holding the Ring in his hand. --Ash and Sara are waiting on the bank for Marblebrain to get his part over with. He's deep in thought-- RING: (imitating Marblebrain) I wish the Ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had ever happened. ALL: (stare) --A blue and red streak bolts across the set and attacks Cletus Kasady who becomes Carnage-- SPIDEY: Where is my WIFE?! KASADY: Do I care? --They start tearing into each other and everyone watches-- WOLVIE: Wahoo! Now that's a fight. CYKE: Oh yeah, look at the blood. RYAN: Is anyone going to tell the bug, that Kasady didn't kidnap his wife. MURDOC: Yeah! WE DID! JAMESON: (yelling) Parker! You stop that fighting or we'll send you off with Abominable. SPIDEY: (freezes and stares at Jameson) WHAT? KASADY: Oh yeah, Bugboy. We know who you are. RYAN: The Psycho there didn't kidnap your wife. My friend Murdoc and I did. CARTER: Are you in pain? SPIDEY: (stares) I was just in a fight! Of course I am in pain! IMHOTEP: (shoots Spidey with the tranquilizer gun) AUTHOR: (yelling) NO!!!!!! CASSI: Imhotep CORNER! IMHOTEP: (does the "Wolvie pout" but complies) SPIDEY: (pulls off his mask. A dopey grin comes to his face) I feel great. KASADY: Hey! I'm hurt too! AUTHOR: YOU can't get hurt! KASADY: Not fair! RING: Hey, I want to continue! KOVAC: So continue already. RING: (imitating Fathead) So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All you have to decide is what to do with the time that is given you. MAGNEATO: This Ring is giving me the creeps! RING: Did you just call me a CREEP, Marblebrain? MAGNEATO: I'm gonna throw you away! CARTER: Hey! If I couldn't throw it away, then neither can you. RING: (to Marblebrain) If I had a tongue I'd be sticking it out. CASSI: Now that would be an interesting sight. JAMESON: When are we going to send Mr. Bug Man off with Abominable? AUTHOR: We'll do that at the end after the Morphine wears off. SPIDEY: (swinging from a web strand hooked to the ceiling) WHEE!! JAMESON: Good idea. I want him to remember it. MJ: Abominable? CASSI: From Bugs Bunny! MJ: (stares) You're going to send my husband off with THAT CREATURE!! AUTHOR: We send lots of people off with him. Now back to the script. This spoof is almost over. ALL: (loud cheering) AUTHOR: Oh come on! This spoof wasn't that bad. GAMBIT: Could I ask one question? AUTHOR: Go ahead. GAMBIT: Can Jubilee and I be returned to normal? AUTHOR: Yeah Okay. Misto? --Misto shoots a lighting bolt at the two X-Menbots and they are returned to normal-- JUBILEE: Boy, I'm glad to be back to myself. AUTHOR: Script! --Marblebrain regains his resolution.........not that he lost it. We aren't going to let him quit that easy. He tucks the Ring in his pocket and jumps in a boat. Ash, waiting with Sara for Marblebrain to do this runs to the shore-- ASH: Marblebrain! Mr. Marblebrain! MAGNEATO: You can't swim! ASH! MISTY: Ash swims fine! --Ash goes in over his head. Marblebrains turns around and tries to pull him out. Except that, Ash is too heavy and Marblebrains falls out of the boat and into the water-- MAGNEATO: (screaming) I CAN'T SWIM! --Sara grabs them both and puts them in the boat. Good thing for Ash's bodyguard to be around-- MAGNEATO: (glaring at Ash) Now I'm all wet and it's your fault. I HATE YOU! SARA: What was that? MAGNEATO: (pales) Sorry, Ash. DOR: Ahem! RING: Yeah, hurry it up. ASH: (rolls his eyes) I made a promise, Mr. Marblebrains. A promise. Don't leave him, Ash Ketchum, and I don't mean to. I don't mean to. MAGNEATO: Oh, Ash. Come on. --They start paddling across the lake-- WOLVIE: Get lost! --Sara glares back toward Wolvie before climbing out on the eastern bank-- AUTHOR: Skip throwing Angel's body over the fall. We don't want to have to search for it to bring him back. Spike, your line. SPIKE: (pushes a boat into the water) Hurry! Marblebrains, Twerp, and Sara have reached the eastern shore! --Ardeth and Carter are off to the side playing cards. They don't even look up-- SPIKE: You mean not to follow them. ARDETH: (not looking up) Marblebrains fate no longer rests in our hands. LOGAN: Good plan. He was getting annoying anyway. HUMFREY: Get it right! LOGAN: (sighs) Then it was all in vain. The Fellowship has failed. RING: (yelling) Yep! And it was all because of me! I control it all. I am the EVIL ONE! (laughs) ARDETH: (ignores the Ring) Not so long as we remain true to each other. We will not abandon Boyo and Wolvie to torment and death. BOYO: What torment and death? We're here with you. CASSI: You were supposed to be carried off by the army of "Ann-U-bus" WOLVIE: But they dissolved. AUTHOR: Yes, but you are still kidnaped. So be quiet and sit in the Peanut Gallery. Ardeth continue. ARDETH: Not while we have strength left. Leave all that can be spared, behind! We travel light. Let us hunt some ugly dogdudes! LOGAN: Too bad we have to wait for the next "Lord of Rings" Spoof. That sounds like fun. ARDETH: That's what you think. AUTHOR: You don't catch up with them anyway. The army of Rohan does. ARDETH: I pity them. AUTHOR: Don't, they're going to be Firbolg. RHAPSODY: This should be interesting. CHRIS: Can we finish this? AUTHOR: Yes let's get this over with. --Logan, Spike, Carter, and Ardeth agree and then take seats in the Peanut Gallery-- "MORE-DIRT"**Outer Boundaries** **************************** --Marblebrain, Ash and Sara reach a height from which they can see the path ahead-- MAGNEATO: "More-Dirt" I hope the others find a safer road. ASH: Ardeth and Carter will take care of them. MAGNEATO: I don't suppose we'll ever see them again. ASH: We may yet. Mr Marblebrains. We may yet. MAGNEATO: Figures!! It's not fair that we have to see them again. RING: Yeah well, it's not fair that I'm stuck with you either! So deal with it! AUTHOR: MAGNEATO! Just say your line! MAGNEATO: Ash, I'm glad that you and Sara are with me. CHRIS: THE END!!!!!!! ALL: (cheer) AFTER THE SPOOF ******************* --Suddenly from backstage. Aragorn is heard yelling "Jumanji" and everything from the game goes flying across the set and backstage. Five minutes later, Aragorn, Prppin, Sam, and Merry enter the set. Pippin hands the game to Sven.-- SVEN: Learn your lesson? PIPPIN: (grins) Can we play it again? --Sam and Merry exchange a look and tackle Pippin-- CHRIS: Let um fight. Let's get the Oscars. SVEN: Magneato. MAGNEATO: Yes! (takes his Oscars) CASSI: Ardeth and Carter. CARTER: (grins and takes his Oscar) ARDETH: (does the same) CHRIS: Ash and Sara Rapter. SARA: I got another one. (takes her Oscar and bows) --Ash takes his and gives Sara a hug-- KOVAC: Wolvie and Boyo. --Both take their Oscars-- SVEN: Spike and Angel. BUFFY: Angel's not back yet. SVEN: He'll get it once he's alive again. SPIKE: (takes his) ROMANO: Logan and Sarah Williams. SARAH: (grins) I love acting! (takes her Oscar) LOGAN: (takes his) CASSI: Kurt and Glory. WAGNER: Yes! (takes his Oscar and bamfs out) GLORY: I love this place. (takes her Oscar) CHRIS: Charlie X, and Xander Harris. --Both take their Oscars and bow-- SVEN: The next one is highly unusual case......The Ring. RING: I'm so happy. It's the best day of my life! CASSI: You only get one. RING: Thank you. SVEN: I'll set it aside for you. ELROND: You're not going to destroy it at the end, are you? SVEN: That's not important now. Let's keep handing out the Oscars KOVAC: Fiddles and Bill Spino. FIDDLES: YEAH! I got another one! (lets out a loud "Tarzan" yell and takes his Oscars) BILL: (wags his tail and takes his) DOR: Angelus. ANGELUS: (bows and takes his Oscar) HUMFREY: Merry and Pippin. For their act at the "Council of Angelus" --Both grin and bow and then grab their Oscars-- SVEN: Aragorn& Sam.. For "Jumanji" and the "Kick me" sign and a few other things. ARAGORN: (grins and takes his Oscar) SAM: (does the same) ROMANO: The last one goes to Creepycrawler. CREEPY: YES!! (grabs it.) KOVAC: And that is all. JAMESON: Now we send Spidey off with Abominable? SPIDEY: (his Morphine high is wearing off) Abominable? SVEN: Jareth? --Jareth waves his hand and bunny ears appear on Spidey's head-- JAMESON: HEY ABOMINABLE! We caught your bunny rabbit trying to escape! ABOMNIABLE: (enters) Ooh, my own little bunny rabbit. (lifts Spidey) and I will name him George. I will hug him and squeeze him and pet him and pat him......(exits) JAMESON: Now, I'm happy. MJ: Will he be back? CASSI: Eventually. SVEN: Is it over? CHRIS: I think so. SVEN: Okay, everybody be back for U.S. Psychos. BYE! --Sven and Cassi exit-- DOR: (sighs) Back to Castle Roogna. SCRIPT: GOOD. I was tired of you holding me! HUMFREY: Allow me. (takes out a bottle) SCRIPT: Oh gee, like that's gonna hurt me! --Humfrey opens the bottle and a smoke covers the script. When it fades away the script has dissolved into nothing-- ALL: (cheering wildly) BOB: This is pathetic. CHRIS: Let's get out of here. --All exit slowly leaving the set empty. Bob turns off the camera-- BOB: THE REAL END!!