"THE FUGITIVE....FROM THE ER" BY SVEN (evilspoofauthor1) Parody of "The Fugitive", starring Harrison Ford and Tommy Lee Jones ******************************************************************************** DISCLAIMER: They're all ours!!! And if you believe that, you'll also believe that the world is shaped like a bowling pin. The movies we ripped off are listed with the names in the cast. We don't own them, and never will....although we can pretend *_* ORIGINAL CHARACTERS BY: Cassi (Chris Mason, Bob, the Bobcat, Cassie the Wolfgirl, Harley, & Bites With a Passion) Sven (Krissy, the Animal Girl, Fiddles the green elvin horse, &Phantom the Cat ) & Caillean Greywolf (Stephan) ******************************************************************************** CAST FOR "THE FUGITIVE....FROM THE ER" ************************************ RICHARD KIMBLE.....................................................Dr John Carter (ER) SAMUEL GERARD......................................................Ryan Gaerity (Blown Away) COSMO RENFRO.........................................................Murdoc (MacGyver) NOAH NEWMAN........................................................Ardeth Bay (The Mummy) ROBERT BIGGS............................................................Gabriel Cash (Tango&Cash) POOLE............................................................................Ororo Monroe "Storm" (X-Men) HENRY...........................................................................Billy Colton (MacGyver) CHARLIE NICHOLS....................................................Agent Fox Mulder (X-Files) FREDERICK SYKES.....................................................Krycheck (X-Files) HELEN KIMBLE...........................................................Sarah Williams (Labyrinth) KATHY WAHLAND..................................................Agent Dana Scully (X-Files) ANNE EASTMAN......................................................Dr. Sarah Harding (Jurassic2) DRISCOLL....................................................................Bishop (X-Men) ALEX LENTZ..............................................................Erik Lensherr "Magneto" (X-Men) DETECTIVE KELLY...................................................Spike (Buffy) DETECTIVE ROSETTI..............................................Angelus (Buffy season 2) WALTER GUNTHERIE (lawyer).............................Niles Crane (Fraiser) JUDGE BENNETT......................................................Imhotep (The Mummy) SHERIFF ROLLENS...................................................Richard "Ringo" Langly (Lone Gunmen) PROCECUTING LAWYERS 1&2............................Peter Banning (Hook) & Glorificus "Glory" (Buffy s.5) PRISONER TRANSPORT GUARDS ***************************** OLDER GUARD.........................................................Jack Dalton (MacGyver) WOUNDED GUARD.................................................Frank Colton (MacGyver) DRIVER........................................................................Angus MacGyver (MacGyver) PRISONERS ************ COPELAND................................................................Jesse Colton (MacGyver) PRISONER 1...............................................................Bobby Drake "Iceman" (X-Men) PRISONER 2...............................................................Pouncival (Cats) COPS & EXTRAS ************** Han Solo (StarWars), Scott Summers "Cyclops" (X-Men), Luke Skywalker (StarWars), Jubilee (X-Men), Kitty Pride "Shadowcat" (Excalibur), Munkustrap (Cats), Macavity (Cats), Jessie & James (Pokemon), Ash Ketchum & Misty (Pokemon), John Byers (Lone Gunmen), Richard Greyson "Robin", Bruce Wayne "Batman", Selina Kyle "Catwoman" (Batman movies), Leia Solo (StarWars), Penny Parker (MacGyver), Mystique (X-Men), Melvin Frohike (Lone Gunmen), Toad (X-Men), Rogue (X-Men), Kurt Wagner (Excalibur), Victor Creed "Sabretooth" (X-Men), Corsair (X-Men), James "Jimmy" Bond (Lone Gunmen), Buffy Summers (Buffy), Xander Harris (Buffy), Porthos, Aramis (The 3 Musketeers), & Jonathan Carnahan (The Mummy) PEANUT GALLERY ***************** Cassi, Prince John (Robin Hood:MIT), Niles the Butler (The Nanny), The Warners (Animaniacs), Samuel Gerard, Cosmo Renfro, Bobby Biggs, Savannah Cooper (US Marshalls), Richard Kimble, Laim McGivney (Blown Away), Walter Skinner (X-Files), Lee Chang (Rush Hour), James Carter (Rush Hour), Wolvie, Cyke, Snaggletooth, Phyro, Shadowkitty (X-Babies), Fiddles!!!!, Darth Vader (StarWars), Dawn Summers (Buffy), Alan Grant (Jurassic Park), Ian Malcom (Jurassic Park), Fran Fine (The Nanny early season), Maxwell Sheffield (The Nanny), CC Babcock (The Nanny), Bo Duke, Luke Duke, Daisy Duke (Dukes of Hazzard), Chakotay, Katheryn Janeway (Voyager), Kristi Barker "Princess Domina"(Sven & Cassi's sister), Butch & Cassidy (Pokemon), Evelyn O'Connell, Rick O'Connell, Alex O'Connell (The Mummy 1&2), Chris Knight (Real Genius), Sean Cassidy "Banshee" (X-Men), Boyo (X-Babies) & Stephan! SPECIAL APPEARENCES BY ************************** Jigglypuff (Pokemon), Drusilla (Buffy), Mara Jade (StarWars), Abominable (Looney Tunes), Harley, Bites With a Passion, Macavity's henchrats, Slappy and Skippy (Animaniacs), The Animaniacs Mime, Agent J, Victor Von Doom (Fantastic 4), Bill Spino (Jurassic 3), & Jerry (ER). MED TEAM ******************** Mungojerrie & Rumpelteazer (Cats), 7of 9 &Doctor Hologram (Voyager), Dr. Jean Grey, Dr. Hank McCoy "Beast" (X-Men), Dr. Mark Greene, Dr. Kerry Weaver, Dr. Peter Benton, Dr. Elizebeth Corday, Dr. Robert Romano, Dr. David Malucci, Dr. Luka Kovac, Dr. Deb Chen, Dr. Cleo Finch, Abby Lockhart, Carol Hathaway, Dr. Doug Ross, & Dr. Susan Lewis (ER) SECURITY *********** Ryan Gaerity, Steve V. Raptor, Nick V Raptor, Bridget Raptor, Sara Raptor, Timmy Compy, & Ralph T. Rex (Jurassic 1&2) MAGICAL CREW **************** Jareth (Labyrinth), Mr. Mistoffelees (Cats), & Phantom. ANIMAL TRAINERS ********************* Rufio (Hook), Krissy, the Animal Girl &Cassie, the Wolfgirl. ASSISTANTS TO THE AUTHOR **************************** Christian "Chris" Mason & William "Bill" Stranix (Under Siege) CAMERA CAT///Bob, the Bobcat ******************************************************************************** BEFORE THE SPOOF ******************** --Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, and Lando Calrissian are playing cards--without gambling for once--Author and Chris enter, dragging a body-- LANDO: (staring) What in the-- HAN: Don't tell me you killed someone already! AUTHOR: (glares) CHRIS: Sven, are you sure he's worth this? AUTHOR: Yes, now let's get him into medlab. LUKE: (to Han) Looks a lot like Gaerity and Gerard, don't he? CASSI: Of course he does. He's another one. AUTHOR: He's going to be my new assistant. CHRIS: Yeah, I get to work with a corpse. Cool, huh? AUTHOR: He'll be alive eventually. --Author and Chris dump the body in medlab before returning to the main set-- AUTHOR: Where's the Butler, Cas? CASSI: Niles will be here. NILES CRANE: What? CASSI: Not you, dummy. The Niles who tortures CC for the sheer joy of it. **For the record, we will be Calling Niles Crane "Niles", and Niles the Butler "Asst Niles" Makes things less confusing** RYAN: Ah yes. Glory's mother. LUKE: So much for the game. LOGAN: What's going on? AUTHOR: What usually happens before a spoof. MURDOC: Oh how nice...World War 3. AUTHOR: Nah, that's the real world. ARDETH: Interesting. So what are we doing? CHRIS: The stars are-- DR. CARTER: I'm here, and I have the beard and those people you wanted. GREENE: Right. So this is the spoofset. BENTON: Where you were being bossed around by a cat. DR. CARTER: Yes. DAVE: You know, Carter. They're going to pull your licence once the Psychological report on you comes in. AUTHOR: Dr. Carter? Go get in costume. DR. CARTER: (pales) Costume? CHRIS: (hands him the cast sheet) DR. CARTER: (faints) DAVE: What the-- AUTHOR: He's the star. WEAVER: You mean he was telling the truth? MUNGO: Where are me medpeople? DAVE: (stares) DR.CARTER: (regains conciousness and stands) So who are my costars? CHRIS: Well, read your cast sheet. DR.CARTER: (reads it) Oh I'm gonna die. RYAN: (puts an arm around him) I promise I won't kill you. MURDOC: We're the GOOD guys? AUTHOR: Well, I said Mulder was the bad guy. MULDER: I think we need to talk. AUTHOR: Why? MULDER: Krycheck? AUTHOR: He's a one armed man. Duh. SARAH: I'm supposed to die? **We will be calling Sarah Williams "Sarah", and Sarah Harding "Harding"...same reason as before.** JARETH: WHAT!? AUTHOR: Later Mulder. (walks off, talking with Jareth and Sarah) MUNGO: Come on, newbies. DAVE: I feel ill. BENTON: (shouting) Hey Carter! Sorry about the Psych evaluation! --Mungo and the ER crew enter the medlab-- MUNGO: No' ALREADY!! TEAZER: Oh BUGGER! AUTHOR: Chris, handle it! CHRIS: (grunbles) Just pull the knife out, give him an eyepatch, and bring him back. DAVE: I really didn't need this. 7 OF 9: (enters with Dr. Hologram) MUNGO: There you are! Get in 'ere! KOVAC: Star Trek? GREENE: Voyager, actually. 7 OF 9: This is stupid. CASSI: Thankyou for telling us this fact we didn't already know. Now shut up and do your job. SPIKE: I'm baaack! ANGELUS: Don't remind us. GERARD: (enters with Cosmo) AUTHOR: Where's the rest? GERARD: They'll be here. DR.CARTER: Author, this is a bad idea. AUTHOR: Well, you wanted a break. DR.CARTER: This is not a break. This is suicide. MURDOC: Well, look at it this way. Instead of stitching people together on a slab, you'll get to be on the slab yourself! DR.CARTER: (flatly) You're not funny. AUTHOR: Cassi, have you seen Tango and Cash and the Parker clone? CASSI: (shrugs) No. PENNY: Parker clone? CASSI: Yeah, another you. MURDOC: Another one? WOLVIE: I'm heeere!!! CREEPY: Me too! CYKE: Me three! SHADOWKITTY: Hey me too! STEVE: So am I! DAVE: That's a dinosaur. STEVE: Yeah, what's it to you? DAVE: (reenters medlab) Never mind. ASH: We're here! PIKACHU: Pika pika. MISTY: Yep. JIGGLYPUFF: Jiggly! ALL: (scream in terror, then sigh relieved as Jiggly waves and exits) POUNCE: BOINGY!!! TUMBLE: BOINGY BOINGY BOINGY!!!! CASSI: Who gave them catnip? FRAN: We'ah back! MAXWELL: Unfortuantely. CC: What is that stench? ASST NILES: That's your perfume, madam. They used it for pesticide. STEVE: Actually, it could be Ralph's droppings. They're working on cleaning the mess. ASST NILES: (sniffs) Oh you're right. It smells better that her perfume. My mistake. CC: (glares) WOLVIE: Wow, a fight already! KRISTI: Where do I dump the Dukes? BO: Dump? CASSI: Over there. (points at a caged in area) That's where the Peanut Gallery is sitting. LUKE D: (stares) Are you serious? DAISY: Is it safe to be here? CHRIS: Too late. You're here already. Sit down. **Note: The cage is there for the protection of the Peanut Gallery from the animals in Jurassic Spoof, and to protect them from Ryan in Fugitive. ^_^** KRISTI: I'll be back. AUTHOR: Okay. Cassi, we need the Lone Gunmen and The Mummy crew. ARDETH: I'm here! AUTHOR: And the rest of the Mummy crew. IMHOTEP: I'm here. GLORY: (steps in, smiling) So am I. CHRIS: We still have lots of people missing. SCOTT: We're here. HANK: Where is the medlab? JEAN: I'll show you. AUTHOR: (points at Ross and Hathaway who have just entered) Take them too. They know some of the people. BIGGS: (enters) Uhh..... (stares) COOPER: What is this? KIMBLE: I guess he was serious. LEIA: He looks like Han. GERARD: Oh yeah, forgot to mention that. BIGGS: Han? Han Solo? As in "Star Wars?" AUTHOR: Well, yeah. RYAN: Wierdos. BIGGS: ME?! YOU look like a CLOWN! AUTHOR: (who really hadn't been paying attention to him) RYAN!? You're still dressed as the JOKER!? RYAN: Plastic surgery, remember? I fell into a vat of toxic waste. BIGGS: Ouch. AUTHOR: (snaps her fingers and Ryan is normal again) There, you're fine now. RYAN: (pouts) BIGGS: (stares) I'm in the Twilight Zone. He's another Sam. RYAN: (offended) I am IRISH! BIGGS: Explains the accent. RYAN: What accent? BIGGS: Never mind. RICK: We're here.....even if we don't want to be. CHRIS KNIGHT: Is this the spoofset?**Once again..Chris Knight is "Knight" and Chris Mason is "Chris"** AUTHOR: (smiles) Yes, it is. JUBILEE: It's Val Kilmer! (runs up and kisses him) KNIGHT: (grins happily--the whispers quietly to the Author) Who's Mr. Kilmer? AUTHOR: Don't ask. MURDOC: (staring at Knight) Is he wearing Bunny slippers? AUTHOR: Yep, he's a genius. MURDOC: Ah yeah. We can discuss the difference between a genius and a person who needs psycholo- gical help later. CHRIS: Like you can talk. MAGNEATO: I'm here! SNAGGLETOOTH: Me too! PHYRO: What do we get to burn in this one? JAMES: We made it! JESSIE: Unfortunately. MEOWTH: Meowth too. JAMES: Are we gonna have to stand in corners again? CASSI: Only if you kill someone again. RYAN: What about me? AUTHOR: You're one of the stars. LIAM: (enters the set) Okay, what's going on? RYAN: Hello, Liam. Welcome to the spoofset. LIAM: Ryan? My dream? It must have been.. AUTHOR: It was real. End of story. LIAM: (faints) RYAN: He took that well. LUKE: He just remembered he got mauled by a cartoon snowman. CASSI: Yeah, I can see how traumatic that would be MALCOM: I'm here and I brought Sarah. HARDING: Why am I here? AUTHOR: You have a role. (hands her a script) HARDING: I so didn't need this. CASH: We were invited? TANGO: Yeah. MURDOC: (staring) You brought Rambo? TANGO: Rambo is a pussy. MURDOC: (Shrugs) Whatever you say, Mr. Pussy. CASH: (snickers) KIKI: What's going on? MURDOC: (staring in shock) Oh my God, they're MULTIPLYING!!! AUTHOR: Murdoc, that's Rambo's sister, Kiki. She's an exotic dancer. MURDOC: Helloooo, nurse! CHRIS: Aren't you married? MURDOC: Right. Sorry, forgot myself for a moment there. STORM: I'm here. Now what is this about me having a real part for once? AUTHOR: (hands her the cast sheet) STORM: (reads it and grins) BIGGS: SHE is playing POOLE? AUTHOR: That's nothing. Cash is playing you, BIGGS: Who's Cash? AUTHOR: (Points) BIGGS: Oh right. That guy who came in with Rambo. COSMO: Why is the assassin playing me? CASSI: Cuz he hates snakes. MURDOC: What's this?!!!?? WHAT SNAKES!? AUTHOR: Not until the sequal. MURDOC: You didn't say anything about SNAKES! AUTHOR: (exits with Murdoc arguing) --Aramis and Porthos enter-- JUBILEE: Charlie Sheen is back!!! (abandons Chris Knight and runs up to Aramis, hugging him) ARAMIS: I like this place. KNIGHT: (pouting) CHRIS: By the way, what's with the "I heart toxic waste" shirt? KNIGHT: (grins and shrugs) AUTHOR: I think it's neat. MURDOC: (mutters something obscene about snakes before stomping off) AUTHOR: Ryan, Ardeth, make sure he returns. RYAN: Not a problem. DR.CARTER: I feel ill. Maybe I should go home. CASSI: Not a chance. DR.CARTER: But-- AUTHOR: (sweetly) If you're really sick, talk to your friends in medlab. They can make you better. DR.CARTER: I'm not going in there. AUTHOR: Why? Afraid they'll laugh? DR.CARTER: (flatly) They already are. STEVE: You want me to eat them for you? DR.CARTER: (appears to be thinking about it) BENTON: I heard that! DR.CARTER: You better not. (grins) CASSI: See? He's better already. BUFFY: I don't know why I came back. DAWN: Because you followed me. XANDER: Hey, I'm back willingly. MACGYVER: The script says I die. MURDOC: (suddenly interested--reenters) Reeaaally? AUTHOR: Yep. FRANK: Wait a second. Pouncie is supposed to stab me with a toothbrush? POUNCE: (grins widely) AUTHOR: Yes yes, and Jack Dalton and Bobby Drake get to shoot MacGyver. GRANT: I came back against my better judgment. STEVE: Awww, you missed us. GRANT: (rolls his eyes) Yeah, whatever. FRAN: (notices Tango) Hey, you brought Rambo. TANGO: I am NOT Rambo! CASH: He says Rambo is a pussy. FRAN: (stares) Oh honey, ya shouldn't put yaself down like that. TANGO: (glares) LANGLY: We're here. BYERS & FROHIKE: (wave) **please keep in mind Frohike is STILL an ape from "James"** IMHOTEP: Oh look. Gag N Puke is back. LANGLY: (glares) JIMMY: That was mean. IMHOTEP: (sticks his tongue out) **see how mature we made the Mummy?** RICK: Now THAT I never thought I'd see. KRYCHECK: (Enters) I was invited? AUTHOR: Yes, the one armed man. You work with Mulder. KRYCHECK: Mulder? MULDER: (glaring at the Author) We're the bad guys. Here's your script. FIDDLES: I am here to save the day!!! MULDER: Who invited him? AUTHOR: (grins sheepishly) I did. The fans love him. MULDER: (groans) FIDDLES: (cheesy grin) MISTO: I'm here. We can start now. PHANTOM: Yep. BOBBY: Hey, my script says I die, but I'm starring in Cassi's spoof. AUTHOR: Don't worry. We'll either bamf you out, or bring you back as soon as possible. CASSI: Okay, all the cast members are here. Are you starting soon? AUTHOR: (shakes head) Stranix. RYAN: Who's Stranix? CHRIS: The stiff we brought in earlier. LUKE: Oh he had a name. AUTHOR: (glares) RYAN: So who is he? CASSI: He almost nuked Honalulu. RYAN: (interested) Really? Did he build his own bombs? AUTHOR: Nah, he stole the USS Missouri. RYAN: Ahh, amature. CHRIS: He died. AUTHOR: Only because he had to fight Steven Seagal. SPIKE: Ouch. MUNGO: Whoi'd you bring in a dead guy? AUTHOR: Is he alive yet? MUNGO: They're working on 'im. 'E'll be aloive soon. AUTHOR: He's my other assistant. We can't start without him. DR.CARTER: HEY!!! TAKE LONGER!! AUTHOR: Watch it Carter, or you can help. DR.CARTER: Im quiet. MUNGO: This sucks. TEAZER: (nods in agreement) JARETH: And you're not used to that by now? MAGNETO: I was told I had a role. AUTHOR: Yeah, you die. MAGNETO: Again? Is it Gaerity? AUTHOR: NO, Krycheck, but it doesn't matter because it doesn't show it. BRUCE: I'm back. SELINA: Same here. BRUCE: What happened to Harvey? AUTHOR: He decided to take over Gotham while you were gone. BRUCE: Real funny. AUTHOR: (to Cassi) He thinks I'm kidding. CASSI: (shrugs) WAGNER: (bamfs in) I'm here! ALL: (cover their noses) ARDETH: Ah, Cassi's fuzzy blue Elvis Pharaoh. AUTHOR: We're still missing a few. CHRIS: They'll come in late. LIAM: (regains conciousness and stands) This is insane. RYAN: Great, isn't it? LIAM: So how did you end up here? RYAN: Author invited me. LIAM: Oh....right. MUNGO: 'E's aloive! You wan' 'im now? AUTHOR: YES! STRANIX: (enters with an eyepatch) Where am I? CASSI: Spoofset. STRANIX: Spoof? AUTHOR: Yep, you're my new assistant. You'll be working with Chris Mason here. CHRIS: (nods a hello) MUNGO: Wha' do I do with the knoife? AUTHOR: Give it to Sranix so he can pay back Ryback if we can get him. STRANIX: Ryback? AUTHOR: Yeah, you can kill him if we can get him. RYAN: Or you can send him off with the snowman. STRANIX: Snowman? CASSI: Dis is my own little bunny rabbut, and I will name him George..... ALL: (join in) And I will hug him and squeeze him and pet him and pat him. STRANIX: Abominable? Cool. LUKE: You heard of him? STRANIX: Saturday morning cartoons...all my life. The best. AUTHOR: Well, he calls himself the Roadrunner. SPIKE: Why? STRANIX: Never been caught. Meep meep! SPIKE: Yeah right. AUTHOR: He's right. He hasn't been caught. Killed, yes. Caught? No. STRANIX: So about this send Ryback off with Abominable. I can do this? AUTHOR: Yep. STRANIX: I'll stay. CHRIS: Sold yourself cheap, didn't you? STRANIX: No, believe me, it's worth it. CASSI: Are we starting now? AUTHOR: Yes, let us begin. THE SPOOF BEGINS**finally after about 13 pages of typing...** **************************************************** DR.CARTER: Are you sure I have to do this? AUTHOR: Yes, now let's start. DR.CARTER: But-- AUTHOR: Carter, just ACT! CHRIS: How are we gonna do this? The whole movie's filled with flashbacks. AUTHOR: Ummm......... KRISTI: (returns with Captain Janeway and Chakotay) 7 OF 9: It appears that we have been found. DOCTOR: Umm.... JANEWAY: So this is where you two have been. We've been looking. DOCTOR: Author made us do it! DR.CARTER: I thought we were starting. AUTHOR: We are. Kristi, make the two lovebirds leave the medcrew alone and have them take a seat. KRISTI: No problem. STRANIX: Can we start now? AUTHOR: Of course. Now how did that movie begin? We're gonna skip Sarah Williams' death....well... because she's needed in George. It begins with Forensic Scientists getting evidence from the house. CHRIS: What scientists? AUTHOR: Stranix, call six of the extras. STRANIX: Let's see.....we need adults.... Han, Scott, Bruce, Richard Greyson, Kurt, and Luke. AUTHOR: Okay, guys, start collecting evidence. LUKE: Not a problem. LOGAN: Why don't I have a role? CHRIS: We gave it to Cash. LOGAN: Not fair! CASSI: That's okay, you can star in the joint spoof. AUTHOR: Right. Spike, and Angelus, you need to lead a shell-shocked Dr. Carter from the house..... Carter, pretend you just found out you got a role. KNIGHT: How come I've never heard of this movie? CASSI: Most likly because you came from the early 80's and this movie was made in the 90's. KNIGHT: Right. (sits back down) SPIKE: Do we have to do this? ANGELUS: This part is really degrading. AUTHOR: Would you like your soul back? ANGELUS: No, I'm fine. CASSI: Glad to hear that. AUTHOR: If you don't, I'll show everyone your mugshot. DR.CARTER: Mugshot? AUTHOR: And you being arrested. DR.CARTER: (pales) Arrested? AUTHOR: And you in jail. SPIKE: Well, I wouldn't want him for my doctor. DR.CARTER: You can't... AUTHOR: (holds up a picture) DR.CARTER: (faints) IMHOTEP: We call Langly Gag N Puke, do we now call Carter "Faints A Lot?" AUTHOR: It was only twice. KRISTI: When are we going to continue? AUTHOR: When the star wakes up. BUFFY: I'm bored. KRISTI: Can I kill her yet? AUTHOR: Hmmm... BUFFY: WHAT!? AUTHOR: My sister doesn't like you. TUMBLE: Wait a minute....in Phantom of the Opera, you said one of your sisters was an alien. Is that her? (points at Kristi) AUTHOR: No. I have four sisters. SPIKE: Your sister is an alien? CASSI: She says she is....and sometimes we wonder. AUTHOR: Doesn't matter. We have to continue. STRANIX: The star is still unconcious. LOGAN: He's faking. (grabs Carter by his shirt and hauls him up) Get up, Dr. Boy. DR.CARTER: This is so not fair. DAVE: I think it's funny. DR.CARTER: I swear, Dave. I will kill you before this spoof is over. AUTHOR: Script! DAVE: You will NOT! AUTHOR: NO, but I might. DAVE: (pales) You wouldn't. AUTHOR: (pulls a gun and points it at Dave) Don't tempt me. DAVE: Sorry, I'll be going back into medlab now. AUTHOR: Wise choice. DR.CARTER: I'm still gonna kill him. AUTHOR: (points the gun at Carter) CARTER: But not right now. Now I'm going to act. CASSI: Good dog. DR.CARTER: (glares) AUTHOR: Let's continue Spike, give Carter a coat. SPIKE: Why? AUTHOR: It's in the script. SPIKE: (shrugs and gives Carter a coat) ANGELUS: Come on, Doc. --Spike and Angelus lead Carter from the house-- STRANIX: We need a reporter. CHRIS: Jonathan can do it. He did a great job in Batman. JONATHAN: Just great. I'm branded for life. RICK: Just do it. CASSI: No, that's Nike. AUTHOR: (sighs) JONATHAN: Right. We are reporting to you live from the Northside (pauses) Who cares where he lives? STRANIX: (cocks a gun and points it at Jonathan) JONATHAN: Right. Sorry. From the Northside home of Dr. John Carter. A well respected vascular surgeon. BENTON: Now he's a vascular sergeon? DR.CARTER: Does that mean I get paid more? BENTON: Like you need it. AUTHOR: Script. JONATHAN: Anyway, Sarah Williams Carter was found dead. SARAH: I was? JONATHAN: Why do I bother? CHRIS: You're reading the script? JONATHAN: Who cares? He's going to be dragged off with two vamps, then thrown in jail, to be executed. End of story. AUTHOR: Good point. Let's get to the flashback. Carter, go get into a tux. DR.CARTER: Great. Musical clothes. DAVE: (snickers) LANGLY: I hate to cut in, but when did you get Rambo on set? TANGO: I am NOT Rambo!! My name is RAY TANGO!!! Alright?! LANGLY: Oh...okay. Whatever you say. (to Jimmy) Looks like Rambo to me. JIMMY: (nods) AUTHOR: I need a painkiller. SPIKE: (holds his flask up in front of the Author) AUTHOR: (makes a face) No thanks. I mean a real painkiller. (pulls a bottle of pills from her backpack and swallows one) SPIKE: (shrugs) Had to offer. CC: I'll have some. SPIKE: Not a chance. AUTHOR: Script! Carter, where are you? DR.CARTER: Coming! CHRIS: Alright we go to the flashback of the Chldren's Research Fund party. All extras go be party goers. All who have parts read you lines. DR.CARTER: (enters in a tuxedo) Hey Scott. (shakes Scott's hand) SCOTT: This is stupid. We know he remembers her. AUTHOR: Script. SCOTT: Hey John, remember Jean? DR.CARTER: (shakes her hand) Hi Jean. Nice to see you. JEAN: This party sucks. AUTHOR: Alright, switch to Sarah, who is dressed in a lovely black dress, and she is talking to....Xander and Anya....well, you can't get any more annoying than that. XANDER: Funny, real funny. AUTHOR: Back to Carter. Mulder, your line. MULDER: (walks up to Dr Carter) Oh before I forget here. Thanks for the loner. (hands Carter his car keys) DR.CARTER: Aren't you supposed to give me a piece of paper and tell me where to pick up the keys? MULDER: Author's too cheap to have valet parking. DR.CARTER: Okay. (pockets the keys) Any gas in it? MULDER: Right. Now I'm supposed to buy him GAS!? DR.CARTER: Well, it IS the least you can do. After all, you're the reason I have to go to prison. MULDER: (rolls his eyes) Yes, there's enough gas in it. --Mulder and Dr. Carter approach Magneto-- MULDER: (taps Magneto's shoulder) Erik, this is John Carter. MAGNETO: I know. He stitched me back together after Gaerity blew me up. AUTHOR: Ahem. MAGNETO: Oh, Dr. Carter. AUTHOR: Switch scenes again. Carter, come rescue Sarah from the idiots. ANYA: Well, that was rude. AUTHOR: I don't care. Follow the script. DR.CARTER: (walks over) Alright, you guys, knock it off, there's nothing to see here. (to Sarah) You come with me. SARAH: Thankyou. I was down to my last joke. AUTHOR: And end flashback. Skip to the car flashback scene. DR.CARTER: (to Sarah) You look very beautiful tonight. SARAH: Thanks, honey. I know you hate these things, but I love seeing you in a tux. WOLVIE: I'm bored. AUTHOR: So? WOLVIE: When does this get good? CASSI: Train slash bus wreck. WOLVIE: Cool! When's that? AUTHOR: After the trial. WOLVIE: Can we hurry up? AUTHOR: I'm working on it. Now back to the script. DR.CARTER: I always feel I look like a waiter or something. BENTON: (shouting from medlab) You do! AUTHOR: Script! --The carphone rings-- STRANIX: We sum up now? AUTHOR: Yep, I'll do it. I know the movie. Okay, Carter is called to emergency surgery. Surgery begins and end flashback. Now on to interrigation room. Carter, ditch the jacket and tie. DR.CARTER: (sighs but does as he was told) ANGELUS: Have you been getting any threats at work? Coworkers, staff, at the hospital? DR.CARTER: No. DAVE: He sure is threatening US! AUTHOR: (glares) DAVE: (quickly ducks back into madlab) SPIKE: Anything unusual going on as far as phone calls ans people hanging up? People coming to the door? Trades people? DR.CARTER: Not that I know of. CASSI: He's not home enough to know. He has no life. DR.CARTER: (glares) ANGELUS: Now Doc....on this fight with this guy with one arm...did this happen upstairs or downstairs? CASSI: Does it matter? KIMBLE: No, they don't believe it anyway. GERARD: Quiet, I'm watching this. AUTHOR: (cocks a gun and is greeted with silence) Script! DR.CARTER: Upstairs. ANGELUS: Uh huh, and he had which was it? Right or left arm? DR.CARTER: Right arm. ANGELUS: Was it one of those with the hooks? DR.CARTER: If you're implying Captain Hook. He's not on this set. CASSI: (snickers) AUTHOR: CARTER! DR.CARTER: No, no, he had a cosmetic hand. SPIKE: That security system at your house....that's pretty good system you have there. Does anyone else have the coding besides you and your wife? DR.CARTER: Our maid has the code and a key to the house. XANDER: I say the maid did it in the bedroom with the gun. CASSI: (snickering again) ALL: (staring at Xander) XANDER: Oh come on....Clue? AUTHOR: (shakes his head in frustration) Script! ANGELUS: Those scratches on your neck...did the one-armed man do that? DR.CARTER: What scratches? AUTHOR: Pretend and read the script. DR.CARTER: Sarah scratched me when I tried to move her. ANGELUS: Was that before or after you fought with the one-armed man? DR.CARTER: You're making fun of me, aren't you? GERARD: No they're trying to intimidate you. DR.CARTER: It's not working. ANGELUS: (vamps out and glares) DR.CARTER: It's working now. (scoots his chair back) AUTHOR: Script. SPIKE: Do you own a gun, doc? DR.CARTER: (stares) SPIKE: Do you own a gun? DR.CARTER: No. AUTHOR: Read the script, Carter. DR.CARTER: I don't like guns. AUTHOR: Read the script. DR.CARTER: We have a gun in the house. SPIKE: Is it registered in your name? DR.CARTER: (nods) SPIKE: Where do you usually keep that gun? DR.CARTER: It's in Sarah's bedside table. AUTHOR: Scenechange. To Logan and Lando, looking through a glass window at the trio. BOBBY: (walks in and hands Lando a folder before walking out) LANDO: (reads it) Hello, his fingerprints are all over the gun and the bullets, and the good doctors skin is under her fingernails. AUTHOR: Switch back to the trio. SPIKE: Wait, she's got the money in the family, doesn't she? DR.CARTER: (favors Spike with a grin) Nope. SPIKE: Really? BENTON: Yeah, if Carter wanted money, he wouldn't kill his wife. His father is worth over 178 million dollars. MURDOC: (puts an arm around Carter) I'll kill him if you split it with me. DR.CARTER: No thanks. AUTHOR: Script. SPIKE: Is she insured? DR.CARTER: Yes. ANGELUS: Who's the beneficiary? DR.CARTER: I don't know. Probably Jareth or someone like that. AUTHOR: (glares) DR.CARTER Me. SPIKE: The solid beneficiary? AUTHOR: Skip the rest. Back to Logan and Lando. LOGAN: Book him. AUTHOR: End scene. Next scene is the courtroom. Everyone get into costume. GLORY: My part's coming up. IMHOTEP: (grins) I'm the judge. RICK: I'm glad I'm not on trail. DR.CARTER: Why is the shrink my lawyer? NILES: I am? Good question. AUTHOR: Well, Glory and Peter Banning are the prosecuting lawyers. DR.CARTER: Explains why I lose. AUTHOR: Let's take a break. I'm tired. STRANIX: BREAKTIME!!! LOGAN: (walks up to the Author) We have to talk. I want more star roles. --Author and Logan exit, talking-- CASSI: He won't feel that way later. CHRIS: Don't be so sure. Sven leant me her comic books. I've been reading up on this guy. CASSI: Careful, those can turn your brain to mush if you don't stop reading them. CHRIS: He enjoys fighting dinos. CASSI: Doesn't surprise me. ARDETH: (petting Horus) What doesn't? CASSI: Not important. ARDETH: (shrugs) Okay. WOLVIE: (yawns loudly) I'm bored, and I don't feel like fighting. CASSI: (touches his forehead) Are you feeling alright? WOLVIE: No..(curls up and goes to sleep in Cassi's lap) SPIKE: I'm bored. CHRIS: Yep. JIGGLYPUFF: (runs through, with a scowl on her face, her microphone missing) CASSI: Apparently, someone stole Jiggly's microphone. --LONG BREAK--AUTHOR AND CASSI RETURN A FEW WEEKS LATER-- CASSI: We have a new guest in the Green Room. CHRIS: We had one in the "James" spoof. AUTHOR: Different guest. Trust me. CHRIS: Since when? AUTHOR: It's a surprise. CASSI: It's a he. We'll tell you that much, but he hasn't decided whether or not he'd like to stay. AUTHOR: He will probably join us at the beginning of my next spoofs. LOGAN: Spoofs? AUTHOR: You wanted more roles. LOGAN: Uh-oh. AUTHOR: I'm doing the Timothy Zahn Trilogy of the Star Wars books next. JUBILEE: What's my next role? AUTHOR: (grins) R2. JUBILEE: (faints) GAMBIT: Dat's not fair! Dat means I'm de other one! AUTHOR: (nodds) Yep, that's next. BUFFY: Joy. AUTHOR: Let's continue. To the courtroom. Everyone, take your places. IMHOTEP: (takes his position as the Judge) GLORY: (walks in, wearing a blue-green silk two piece suit) SPIKE: I thought she was wearing the red dress in these spoofs. GLORY: (smiles at Imhotep) He gave it to me. AUTHOR: That's nice. Continue. Pan, you're up. PETER: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you will hear iron-clad proof of John Carter's guilt. Indisputable scientific evidence that on the night of January 20th, John Carter did in fact viciously attack and brutily murder his wife, but you will hear more that that. You will hear a voice from the grave. CASSI: They're holding a seance? ALL: (snickering) PETER: The voice of Sarah Williams Carter identifying her killer, her husband, John Carter. SARAH: My voice, huh? JARETH: That shouldn't be hard. GLORY: Quiet. My line's next. AUTHOR: Spike, you're on the witness stand. CASSI: Good thing it doesn't show the swearing in. SPIKE: (glares) AUTHOR: Script. GLORY: Detective Spike, can you tell us what you observed when you arrived at the home of the victim on the night of the murder? SPIKE: No forcable entry was found from the beginning of the investigation. It didn't appear to be a breakin. Nothing was missing. KRYCHECK: Nothing was worth stealing. MULDER: (hits him) CASSI: Aww, brotherly love. AUTHOR: Next witness....get me a doctor who knows cop stuff....oh never mind. Kurt, read the lines. WAGNER: Zhe defendants prints vere found on zhe gun and zhe bullets. No other sets vere found, ozher zhen zhe houskeeper's and zhe deceased. AUTHOR: Need a doctor now. Greene, you do it. GREENE: Right, the fracturing of Mrs. Williams Carter's skull caused a massive hemorage to the brain. It took less than five minutes for her to die. KIMBLE: I'm not sure I want to hear this again. GERARD: You'll be okay. They'll have you laughing soon enough. KIMBLE: (mournfully) I doubt it. AUTHOR: Okay, 911 call. Sarah, you're script. Buffy, you be the dispatcher. GLORY: Your Honor, we would like to play Sarah's 911 call previously identified by the Slayer. IMHOTEP: (smiles and nods) PHONECALL ************* BUFFY: Emergency 911. SARAH: (in a quiet voice) Please help me. BUFFY: Yes ma'am, please hold. SARAH: Yeah, sure, I'll hold. --There is a brief minute of music when Buffy's voice comes back on the line-- BUFFY: Go ahead, ma'am. COSMO: Well, that sure kills the effect. KIMBLE: Putting her on hold or watching the deceased speak out the phonecall? COSMO: Both. AUTHOR: Script. SARAH: He's here still in the house. BUFFY: Did I hear you right? Is someone in your house? SPIKE: Hello! that's what she said! Or are you hard of hearing now, Slayer? BUFFY: (glares) SARAH: He's trying to kill me. BUFFY: Would you repeat that please? SARAH: (louder) He's trying to kill me. BUFFY: Ma'am? Ma'am, is your attacker still in the house? SARAH: John? John? BUFFY: Ma'am? SARAH: John, he's trying to kill me. --A dialtone is heard-- AUTHOR: Wonderful job, Sarah. CASSI: (walks up to Author) The Guest in the Green Room said if he is to stay, he wants real food. Not what's in there. AUTHOR: (sighs, writes something on a note pad, and hands it to a Jawa) Make sure the Guest gets this. JAWA: Dink dink. SPIKE: You should have left in the microphone. AUTHOR: Don't want to give it away. Jonathan, please read Mr. Carter's sentence. DR.CARTER: Wonderful. IMHOTEP: Mr. Carter. Having considered all factors and aggrivation, and ...whatever in this case...and found--Oh forget it. You're guilty...even though it's obvious she's not even dead. You will be taken somewhere in Illinois, which doesn't even really matter since you never make it anyway. Where you will await your execution by lethal injetction. (pause) Whatever happened to the Hom-Dai? Burning people, or even mummifying them alive?! This isn't even fair! DR.CARTER: Will you STOP that!? IMHOTEP: Whatever. May God have mercy on your soul. KIMBLE: Well, that was different. GERARD: Bet you wished your trial had gone like that. AUTHOR: Quiet. JANEWAY: (cuts in) For the record, Commander Chakotay is not my boyfriend. There are regulations against that. KRISTI: They don't care. AUTHOR: Nope. JANEWAY: But-- AUTHOR: Quiet! On my set, I'm in charge! I don't care if you ARE a Captain. If you bother me, you'll be a cat! JANEWAY: That's impossible. AUTHOR: Misto? MISTO: (zaps a lightning bolt at the good Captain and she is turned into a red cat) CHAKOTAY: (picks her up and walks back to his seat with her) AUTHOR: Now scene change....onto prison. --A Jawa comes to the Author and hands her a note-- AUTHOR: (to Cassi) He said thankyou for his dinner. CASSI: At least he's polite. SPIKE: Who have you got in there? AUTHOR: Not saying. CHRIS: Can we continue? AUTHOR: Yes please. --Dr. Carter, Jesse Colton, Pouncival, and Bobby Drake are led in wearing prison uniforms. They are handcuffed at the wrists and ankles--Frank, MacGyver, and Jack Dalton are the guards-- JACK: Drake? BOBBY: Yeah. JACK: Pouncival. POUNCE: Boingy! ANGELUS: He's on Death Row and he's boingy? AUTHOR: (shrugs) Go figure. JACK: Jesse Colton? JESSE: What? FRANK: Jesse, you be nice now. JACK: Carter? DR.CARTER: Yeah? CASSI: Present! JACK: (glares) MUNGO: Nobody'd doied in a few pages. We're ge'in' bored in 'ere! CASSI: Ryan, get in the corner. Your disease is spreading to the medcrew. RYAN: HEY! AUTHOR: She's right. You can come out when your role comes up. RYAN: (glares and stands in the corner) AUTHOR: Script. JACK: Let's get going, gentlemen. POUNCE: I'm a gentle CAT! SPIKE: Gentle? You killed someone in Batman! POUNCE: (shrugs) Nobody's perfect. AUTHOR: Alright, they get on the bus. WOLVIE: Bring on the BUSWRECK!!! DR.CARTER: Oh, this is gonna hurt. JAWA: (brings a note to Dr. Carter) DR.CARTER: (reads it) WHAT!? AUTHOR: What does our guest have to say? DR.CARTER: Well, he wrote a lot, but to translate it into something you'd understand, he called me a wuss. CASSI: I can believe that. BUFFY: Okay, who is it, Jack the Ripper? AUTHOR: Nah, not good enough. JAWA: (brings another note) AUTHOR: (reads it) He doesn't slay prostitutes and in so many words, Jack the Ripper was a pussy. SPIKE: This guy is worse that Jack the Ripper? ANGELUS: I met Jack the Ripper. I left him alone. To sick for my taste. He freaked me out. MURDOC: Do you have a serial killer in there? AUTHOR & CASSI: We plead the 5th. PETER: Might I point out that you are not in a court of law? CASSI: (shrugs) No, our guest does not kill cereal. (thinks a moment) In fact, to our knowledge, I'm not even sure he eats it. MURDOC: (sighs) I give up. CHRIS: Okay, let's ignore the fact that we have a psycho in the Green Room. He can't be worse than anyone else we have on set. CASSI: (quietly to Sven) He wouldn't say that if he knew who it was. CHRIS: okay, who is it? Ted Bundy? Norman Bates? Jeffery Dalmer? Ed Gien? WHO!? CASSI: Not saying. AUTHOR: Shall we continue? CORSAIR: Um, I have a guest. AUTHOR: (Looks up) --All cast except the X-Men stare--Corsair leads in a woman who resembles the Cats as cat-humans-- CORSAIR: This is Hepzibah. MULDER: (taking notes) SCULLY: Mulder, she's not an alien. She looks like one of those cat humans. AUTHOR: No, Scully, she's an alien. MULDER: (sticks his tongue out) STRANIX: (fires three shots into the air) Let's continue. The four prisoners are loaded onto the bus. JACK: (locks the door) XANDER: Gee, doesn't prison look fun? JIMMY: It's not. BYERS: Especially Death Row. SCOTT: You've been on Death Row? BYERS: Well, it wasn't the best idea Jimmy could have had.... LANGLY: It was dumb. you could have been killed. SCULLY: I'd love to hear more. STRANIX: Another time. We have a spoof to continue. ARDETH: Yes, because I cannot wait for more of the Star Wars, having missed most of the others. CHRIS: Let's continue. On the road after dark. SPIKE: (lets out a wolfhowl) CASSI: He didn't say there was a full moon, moron. SPIKE: (grins) AUTHOR: Script. FRANK: I'm tired. AUTHOR: So am I, but you still have to read the script. FRANK: That WAS my line! AUTHOR: (smiles ) Yeah, I know. I couldn't help it. JACK: 20 miles from Menard. We should be there in about 40 minutes. I'll be glad to be rid of this load. Let McKenzie take care of them. JESSE: (exchanges a look with Drake and Pounce) DR.CARTER: (watches worriedly) POUNCE: (starts choking, white foam building up from his mouth as he gags) JESSE: HEY! Somebody get in here quick!! Get the heck in here! JACK: Wait! JESSE: He's foaming at the mouth. DR.CARTER: Get him away from ME!!! He's a CAT! He might have RABIES!!! AUTHOR: you know, I always wanted to hear that after that line. Continue. JACK: We're almost to the prison. BOBBY: Come on, he's choking, he's gonna die! FRANK: Better him than me. AUTHOR: Frank. FRANK: (sighs and opens the door) JACK: Just wait. --Pounce grabs a toothbrush out of his sock. It has a sharp point on it. As Frank approaches, he stabs him with it.--Bobby kicks Jack, Jack shoots Pounce. Bobby attacks Jack and they wrestle with the gun. A shot is fired and they kill MacGyver, who is driving. The bus begins to weave dangerously, scraping against the side rail, causing sparks to fly.--Wagner bamfs in, grabs Bobby, and bamfs out, and the bus crashes over the edge, flipping over as it rolls down the hill, finally coming to rest on a railroad track.-- The people inside are battered and bruised.-- JACK: Ow. FRANK: (gasps, clutching under his ribcage, where the toothbrush is still impaled) Oh God. JACK: (runs to Frank's side) Carter! Carter, get over here! You're a doctor! Do something! DR.CARTER: Unlock me. JACK: (stares) DR.CARTER: UNLOCK ME! JACK: (hands him the keys) Here. GERARD: Why that son of a B****. CASSI: Watch your language! GERARD: He gave up the keys! KIMBLE: Well, he needed help. --Dr. Carter unlocks the cuffs on his hands and drops the keys in front of a dazed Jesse, who is just getting up. Jesse grabs the keys..and the sound of a train is heard.-- JACK: Oh, what the heck was that? (looks out the window and sees the train) Oh crap. FRANK: (pulls out the toothbrush and gasps in pain) DR.CARTER: (moves to help him and turns to Jack) Give me a hand with this man. JACK: The heck with you. (exits the bus) JESSE: You yellow bellied bastard, that's my BROTHER! (hurries over to the pair and helps Carter pull Frank from the bus) --The train is closer now-- DR.CARTER: (watches Jesse get Frank to safety and pulls himself out the window of the bus, jumping just before the bus is hit by the train) --Carter lands hard, and scrambles to his feet. The train derails behind him, heading directly toward him. Carter attempts to run, but has trouble due to the leg irons still around his ankles. The train is nearly on him when he takes cover under a railroad bridge. The derailed part of the train crashes barely five feet from him. Carter stares at it, in shock.-- WOLVIE: Cool! PHYRO: Burn train! BURN!!! --Jesse tries to help Carter, but the young Doctor is not responding. He is staring wide-eyed, with a horrified expression on his face. He is shaking-- CASSI: Eh, is he okay? GREENE: (hurries over and checks Carter) He's catatonic...unresponsive. BENTON: He's in shock. DAVE: Do you blame him? AUTHOR: Buffy, talk to him. BUFFY: Why me? AUTHOR: Because you sound like Lucy Knight. BENTON: Hey, she does. BUFFY: (shrugs) Okay. (touches Carter's shoulder) Carter, are you alright? --Dr. Carter's eyes focus on her and he looks confused.....naturally, he freaks out-- DRCARTER: (softly) You're dead you're dead you're dead you're dead.....(continues incoherently) SPIKE: Oh yeah, that really helped. JAWA: (hands the Author a note) AUTHOR: (reads it and shrugs) Okay. (walks over and punches Carter) DR CARTER: (rolls over backwards and slams into a wall--he blinks his eyes, looking dazed) What? CASSI: You were catatonic. DR CARTER: You hit me. AUTHOR: The Guest in the Green Room suggested that perhaps in this case, force would work better than words. NILES: I agree. STRANIX: Can we continue? AUTHOR: Yes. JESSE: (unlocks the leg irons on Carter's ankles) DR CARTER: (moans as his arm brushes his side--he has a large gash on it and the side of his prison uniform has a lot of blood on it) JESSE: Thanks for helping with my brother. DR CARTER: (nods) JESSE: Now you listen, I don't give a damn which way you go, just don't follow me. You got that? DR CARTER: Yeah. Hey Colton? JESSE: Yeah? DR CARTER: Be good. JESSE: (grins and runs) DR CARTER: (slowly and painfully gets to is feet) AUTHOR Get running, Carter. Before the police catch you. DR CARTER: I'm going. (starts running along the river) CHRIS: Enter lots of police and US Marshals. AUTHOR: That means all extras go be cops. --A black Range Rover pulls onto the crash scene-- CASSI: I don't remember that. MURDOC: (gets out of the drivers side) --Gearity exits the passenger side, while Cash, Storm, and Ardeth get out of the back) RYAN: My my my, what a mess. MURDOC: Didn't explode well enough. RYAN: No. Very disappointing. KIMBLE: Ehhh... GERARD: I don't remember that. JOHN: Somehow I doubt it's in the script. STRANIX: Script! MURDOC: It's a circus! (turns to Ardeth) Ardeth, you got my bag? ARDETH: Get your own bag! I am NOT a bellboy! GERARD: (snickers) COSMO: That's not funny. --Ryan, Murdoc, Cash, Storm, and Ardeth walk alongside the wreck, surveying the damage-- CASH: Point of impact right here. (points) RYAN: Yeah, the first engine uncoupled and the rest of the train jumped the tracks. MURDOC: Yeah. STORM: (stumbles) MURDOC: I told you not to wear the heels. RYAN: And I want you to wear two coats. STORM: I'd rather fly, and I can control the weather. I don't get cold. AUTHOR: Script! STORM: Next trainwreck. CASH: Why are we always mothering her? MURDOC: Cause she loves us. STORM: I do NOT! CASH: How would you like to be the guy who drove this? RYAN: Oh, I bet he did a Casey Jones. CASSI: Ninja Turtles Casey Jones? RYAN: (glares) LUKE: (as a cop) Hold it, sir. RYAN: (pulls out his badge) Hi, who's in charge? LUKE: Sheriff Langly. RYAN: SHERIFF Langly? ARDETH: Langly is a Sheriff? (laughs) AUTHOR: Script. LUKE: Just follow the TV lights. RYAN: Good......Sheriff....uh Loggers. MURDOC, CASH & STORM: Langly. RYAN: Right. Gag N Puke. --They head toward the TV lights-- RYAN: (points toward the train) Cash, do a look and see down there and take Ardeth. CASH: Right. Come on, Ardeth. Time to go to work. ARDETH: (swears in Arabic and follows Cash) --The others find Jack Dalton and Langly surrounded by cops and reporters--Penny and Jonathan are holding cameras-- JACK: It rolled several times. I don't know whether I passed out or what, but when I looked up, the train was baring down on us fast. I don't know, it's still kinda hazy, but I grabbed him and pushed him out of the bus. (noticable to everyone, his right eye twitches) **to people who have never seen this in "MacGyver" Jack Dalton's right eye always twitches when he's lying** LANGLY: You're a brave man. you both could have been killed. JESSE: (muttering) No good liar. AUTHOR: You're not in this scene, now follow the script. JACK: Yeah, I know, but he's my partner, he would have done the same for me. RYAN: Excuse me, Sheriff, I'm Deputy United States Marshal, Ryan Gaerity. LIAM: That's scary. AUTHOR: Hush. RYAN: (to Langly) I'd like to talk to you. LANGLY: (rudely) I'll be with you in one moment. RYAN: (calmly) Okay. LANGLY: (to Jack) One more time for the record. (holds up papers) These three are dead, and this one? JACK: (his eye twitching) Well, everything happened so fast, uh no, I don't think he made it. LANGLY: (to Ryan) Well, looks like you came a long way for nothing. MURDOC: Oh come on. His eye's twitching. He's lying. CASSI: You know, Jack. you're gonna have to learn to control that. AUTHOR: Script. RYAN: Well, with all due respect, Sheriff Langly, I'd like to recommend checkpoints on a 15 mile radious. At I-57, I-24, and over here..... LANGLY: (cuts in) Whoa whoa whoa, wait a minute. The prisoners are all dead. The only thing check- points are gonna do is get a lot of good people around here frantic and flood my office with calls. BUFFY: You wouldn't last a second at MY job. AUTHOR: We know. This is LANGLY. Let's continue. RYAN: Well, sh**, Sheriff, I'd hate to see that happen. So I guess I'll take over your investigation. LANGLY: On what authority? RYAN: Evilspoofauthors and I am head of security. (flashes his other badge) BIGGS: That was different. LANGLY: Alright fine. You want jurisdiction of this mess, you got it. (shouting) Okay, boys! Gather round here and listen up. We're shutting down! Wyatt Earp is here to mop up for us! RYAN: (glares and shoots Langly) CASSI: Nice job, genius. RYAN: He made fun of me. AUTHOR: It was in the script. However, nowhere in the script does it say that Gerard shoots the Sheriff for making fun of him. GERARD: It should have been in there. COSMO: (stares) Sammy, you're starting to worry me. AUTHOR: Alright, so the Sheriff was asking for it, but Langly wasn't. Now I need a stand in. BYERS: I'll do it....as long as I don't get shot, too. MUNGO: (drags out Langly's body) AUTHOR: Okay, in come Cash and Ardeth. CASH: Ryan. (hands him a set of leg-irons) RYAN: (waves them in front of Jack, who flinches) Oh wow. Gee whiz, looky here. You know, Dalton. We're always flustered when we find leg-irons with no legs in them. Who held the keys? (pause) Dalton!? JACK: (pales and inches away) Me. RYAN: And where are those keys, Dalton, and please remember what I did to you in Batman. I'd hate for you to forget that. **Ryan shot him** JACK: I gave the keys to Carter. GERARD: They certainly sing when the person questioning them is an insane bomb expert. JAWA: (arrives with a note) AUTHOR: (groans) Maybe we should take away his pens and paper. (reads the note) Interesting. CASSI: Wha'd he say? AUTHOR: He says, "You kill people so easily on set. Perhaps I'll decide to stay. It is most enjoyable to watch. I would love very much to join such mayhem." SPIKE: You most definitely have a desturbed psycho in there. AUTHOR: Really? You don't say. CASSI: Most amusing. AUTHOR: Now let's continue. Jack, get it right. JACK: (shakes his head) No way! He'll kill me...again! WOLVIE: Chicken! JACK: If you didn't have that healing factor, you wouldn't say that. WOLVIE: Yes I would. I'm not a chicken! Cyke is, but I'M not! CYKE: I am NOT! WOLVIE: Are too! KRISTI: D2! LUKE: Do you ever get tired of saying that? KRISTI: No. HAN: Can we continue? I want to see if Carter goes Catatonic again. DR CARTER: (glares) Can we hurry before I bleed to death? AUTHOR: Oh yeah right. Ryan, just skip to the "search" line. RYAN: (finds his place) Listen up, ladies and gentlemen. Our fugitive has been on the run for 40 minutes! Average foot speed over uneven ground, baring injury is 4 miles an hour. That gives us a radious of 6 miles. What I want out of each and every one of you, is a hard target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse in that area. Checkpoints go at 15 miles. (pause) Your fugitive's name is DR. John Carter! (pause) Go get him! AUTHOR: End scene. Next morning. --Carter wades across the river and steals a pair of coveralls from a tow-truck. Then he heads for a hospital-- AUTHOR: Alright. To the train-wreck. Murdoc is on the phone. MURDOC: Please, Miranda....really, I can't talk about it right now. I gotta go. (hangs up) **Miranda Barrett...aka Mrs. Murdoc...also Chris Mason's mother /created by Cassi** AUTHOR: (glares) MURDOC: Right. (dials another number) Please don't give me any sh**, Jubilee. I've got three unhappy dead people here. Put him on. Logan, it's Murdoc. I'm gonna have the satilite telephone hook-up in like two seconds. STORM: (also on the phone--speaks to Ryan) Chester Police just found a blood trail, 2 miles southeast. RYAN: Gabe? CASH: Yeah? RYAN: Type that blood and match it against all four prisoners. CASH: Right. (shouting) Troopers! RYAN: Murdoc! MURDOC: (hangs up) Yo! RYAN: Get a fax ID on Carter to every local hospital and follow it with troopers. MURDOC: Yeah. RYAN: Ardeth? ARDETH: Yes? RYAN: What are you doing? ARDETH: I'm thinking. RYAN: Well think me up a cup of coffee and a chocolate donut with some of those little sprinkles on top as long as you're thinking. ARDETH: Think up your OWN! I'm not a butler anymore! AUTHOR: (massages her head) JAMES: Hey, we got a body down here! JESSIE: We got a live one! --Ryan, Murdoc, and Ardeth run to the train. Jessie and James carry Frank Colton out on a stretcher.-- AUTHOR: Flash to the hospital. DR CARTER: (sneaks in and finds himself a treatment room. He is pale and drawn and his clothes all around the wound are covered in blood) KIMBLE: He got it worse than I did. AUTHOR: Parking lot. --A cop car pulls up and Macavity gets out and enters the hospital--Meanwhile, inside, Carter cleans his wound and stitches it up. He tries to stand but faints.-- AUTHOR: Well, that ended that. Will somebody take Carter to where he can lay down? He lost a lot of blood. BENTON & GREENE: (come out with a stretcher and load Carter on it before taking him into medlab) AUTHOR: Breaktime. Cassi, let's go talk with our Guest. He's running the Jawas ragged with all these notes. AUTHOR & CASSI: (exit) CHRIS: I really wanna know who's in there. SPIKE: I don't. From what I hear, he's a real nutcase. BUFFY: That must be bad coming from a vampire. STEVE: Oh come on. You don't even know what's in there. AUTHOR & CASSI RETURN A WEEK LATER ***************************************** For the record, Jurassic Spoof has now started......and Carter has recovered some from his "accident" ******************************************************************************* SPIKE: Back to the Fugitive spoof. ARDETH: And away from the dinosaurs. LOGAN: So Sven, what have you been up to? Aside of the other spoof? AUTHOR: Casting my next spoof. SCOTT: The Star Wars one? AUTHOR: Yep, that would be the one. SCOTT: Can I see the cast list? AUTHOR: Nope. LOGAN: Why not? CASSI: Green Room Guest is a star. AUTHOR: Yep, now let's continue. DAVE: Carter's still out. **Carter passed out again in Jurassic** AUTHOR: So wake him up. DAVE: (reenters medlab) --Five minutes later, Carter stumbles out-- DR CARTER: Um...a little help? AUTHOR: (rolls her eyes, but helps Carter over to his place) DR CARTER: Thanks. AUTHOR: No problem. CHRIS: Hey Sven, I have a guest at the door who says he was invited. I think he's the one you let use the bacta tank while the set was empty. **no, it's not the Green Room Guest** AUTHOR: Let him in. --A man dressed in all black, except for a green cape enters. He has brown hair and brown eyes, and is extremely good looking-- JUBILEE: Talk about tall dark and handsome. LOGAN: (sniffs and growls) CASSI: Ah yes. This is the one who didn't come cheap. JOHN: What were his demands? AUTHOR: Um, let me see.....four kills, use of the bacta tank, an X-Wing, a speeder bike, a lightsaber...... I think that's it. ARDETH: Impressive. LOGAN: He shouldn't be here. WAGNER: You know him? SCOTT: Who is he? LOGAN: You should know. At least I know who his kills will be. AUTHOR: Everyone, I'd like you to meet His Royal Highness, Dr. Victor Von Doom. SCOTT: Doom? JUBILEE: As in Dr. Doom? AUTHOR: (grins) Uh-huh. DR DOOM: I'm enjoying this. CASSI: I bet. STRANIX: It's time for the spoof to continue. AUTHOR: Yes indeed, it is. Everyone, SCRIPT! CHRIS: Okay, front desk at the hospital. --A fax of Carter's mugshot is printing out. The Animaniacs Nurse hands it to Macavity.-- WAKKO & YAKKO: HELLOOOOOO, NURSE! AUTHOR: (glares) NURSE: (to Macavity) That what you're looking for? MACAVITY: Yep, that's it. I'm gonna make some copies. AUTHOR: Alright, Carter steals some clothes and shaves his beard then hurries into the hallway. He passes Macavity, who is staring at Carter's mugshot....his REAL mugshot....in which he is clean-shaven. CASSI: We're so brilliant. MACAVITY: So I caught him? AUTHOR: No, you pretend the picture has a beard. Now continue. MACAVITY: Hey, Doc. We're looking for a prisoner from the bus/train wreck a couple of hours ago... might be hurt. DR CARTER: (is pale and leaning against a wall) What does he look like? MACAVITY: You. STRANIX: (cocks his gun) MACAVITY: About 6'1, 180, brown hair, brown eyes, beard....you see anyone like that around? DR CARTER: Yep, several. Look around. That's a bunch of people on this set. CASSI: Good point. GERARD: (looks at Kimble) You seen anyone that looks like that? KIMBLE: Nope, not at all. AUTHOR: Just skip to the outside. --An ambualnce pulls up outside, just as Carter stumbles out of the hospital--Jessie and James roll Frank out on a stretcher--Carter leans against the ambulance for support-- FRANK: (sees him and whispers) You look like hell, John. DR CARTER: (smiles) You don't look much better. (to Jessie and James) How's he doing? JESSIE: Pretty good, considering we had to dig him out from under a train. DR CARTER: Tell the doctor he's got a puncture in the upper gastric area. JAMES: How can he tell that from looking at his face? (they wheel Frank into Medlab) --Dr. Carter gets into the ambulance and drives away-- CHRIS: Back to the train wreck. STORM: Backround just came in from Chicago. MURDOC: (takes it from her) RYAN: It's about time. What do we have? MURDOC: Uh...John Truman Carter....uh...vascular surgeon....what the heck is that? STORM: Somebody who makes more that a US Marshal does. MURDOC: Right, convicted of first degree murder in the killing of Sarah Williams.....who's not really dead.....pleaded innocent, said a one-armed man did it. MULDER: And he was right. CASSI: Not in our spoof. Sarah's not dead. So really he went to jail for nothing. STRANIX: Can we continue? AUTHOR: Yes. STORM: Lots of friends, doctors, hospital staff.... RYAN: Okay, we're gonna start right there. I want a whole bunch of phone taps, staring with his lawyer. MURDOC: Whoa whoa, you're never going to get that. RYAN: You call Judge Imhotep and tell him I want a whole bunch of phone taps. MURDOC: Hey, why are you yelling at me? RYAN: (continues) And I'll call him up later and tell him on who...If I'm in a good mood. MURDOC: Why me? You always yell at me. Why don't you yell at her sometime? CASH: Ryan? RYAN: (yelling) WHAT!? MURDOC: Attaboy. CASSI: Amusing. COSMO: I didn't think so. He always yells at me. SCOTT: They sound like children fighting. AUTHOR: Yeah, and those are actually in the script. SPIKE: And these are an example of our best law informent officers. DR CARTER: Explains what's wrong with our country. AUTHOR: Carter, concentrate on driving the ambulance and ignore us. You're too out of it to be paying attention to us. DR CARTER: Got it. CASH: We just got a call from Harris Community Hospital. The wounded guard swears he saw Carter right outside the emergency room. RYAN: Well, that's hot. CASSI: What is? RYAN: I only read it. STEVE: I'm bored, boss. RYAN: Go do a security check around the perimeter and make sure we don't have any spies or anyone trying to sneak off set. You know the drill. STEVE: Sure thing, boss. Right away. (scurries off) STRANIX: Script! CASH: And an ambulance is missing. RYAN: Good thinking. CHRIS: Switch scenes. --Carter is speeding down a street in the ambulance, and a Jawa on a speeder bike pulls up beside him, matching his speed. The Jawa hands him a slip of paper and pulls away. Carter slams on the breaks after reading the slip-- DR CARTER: That lousy Jawa just gave me a DUI! CASSI: Well, you really shouldn't be driving. You're still high on medicine and you drank all Spike's liquor in the Jurassic spoof. It's still in your system. GERARD: I'd say that constitutes a DUI. AUTHOR: Script! Scene change! STORM: (flies over to Ryan and hands him his jacket) Ryan, an ambualnce was spotted two miles west of Doverville, headed North on State Highway 53. MURDOC: He's running out of map. --Ryan, Murdoc, Storm, and Scott get into a helecopter that Toad is piloting...not Murdoc, as we all saw his wonderful flying in Jurassic-- RYAN: Get your maps out, Murdoc. MURDOC: Get your own. RYAN: Don't have any. Script says you have them. MURDOC: (swears) RYAN: Alright. I want to know all routes in and out of town. --Two cop cars are chasing Carter-- RYAN: (over radio) We're heading north on route 13, in the direction of Barkliey Dam. DR CARTER: (hears on the scanner radio in the ambulance) Oh, that is so not right. (speeds past more cars) RYAN: (back on the chopper) Don't lose that ambulance, Murdoc. MURDOC: ME?! Toad's the one flying. If we lose it, it's his fault. RYAN: Script says I can blame you. MURDOC: Forget the script! RYAN: (shrugs) Okay. AUTHOR: Great. Just great. Thanks, Murdoc. MURDOC: The script was stupid, anyway. STRANIX: (fires a shot into the air) Let's continue. DR CARTER: (looks up and sees the helecopter) RYAN: We have a view of the ambulance. He's heading on some freeway, toward the dam. AUTHOR: Ryan, ignore Murdoc and read the script. RYAN: (nods) He will pass through a (pause)tunnel....is that right? (to Murdoc) Murdoc, call up our friends, Cash and Bay, and bring them in from the Southside of the tunnel. AUTHOR: (groans) Close enough. DR CARTER: HELLO! I can still hear them on the radio! AUTHOR: You're not supposed to hear them anymore. DR CARTER: Well, I can. AUTHOR: Oh, well, you're supposed to panic anyway. DR CARTER: I was past panicked after the train/bus wreck. AUTHOR: Continue. DR CARTER: (drives into the tunnel and slams on the breaks) --The helecopter lands at the end of the tunnel-- DR CARTER: Now what? AUTHOR: Read your script. DR CARTER: (reads his script, nods, and ducks behind a car) --Cop cars squeal a the Southside of the tunnel, as Ryan, Murdoc, and Storm get out of the helecopter and pull their guns--Cash and Ardeth and a bunch of cop extras come running in with their guns....except Ardeth, who's carrying a lightsaber.-- AUTHOR: (groans) I give up. CASH: He got mad when I told him he couldn't use the Thompson. STRANIX: Right, let's continue. --They check the tunnel. Cash checks the ambulance, as Ryan checks the cars.-- RYAN: Put light in there. MURDOC: He ain't in there. The script says so. RYAN: Good point. Forget checking the cars. AUTHOR: (growls) RYAN: Cash, what do you got? I got nothin'! CASH: You gotta be kidding me! RYAN: Why would I do that? CASH: He ain't here. RYAN: Oh sh**! MURDOC: Alright, seal off the tunnel. ARDETH: The script says he isn't in the tunnel. RYAN: (reads the script and walks over to the drain) CASH: (pulls the cover off) --They all point their guns inside-- RYAN: This guy is desperate. MURDOC: (sniffs and pales) Oh UGH, that's the same stuff we had to wade through in SHADOWS!!! SPIKE: Oh thankyou Author for not putting me in there. I thought I was gonna die last time. SCOTT: YES! I don't have to run through it either!!! MURDOC: (moans) Oh not again....please, Sven, I had to burn my clothes last time. AUTHOR: I didn't put it in there. RYAN: Then who did? MURDOC: It can't be the Snowcone Guy. --Logan & Kurt bamf onto the set, laughing-- WAGNER: Neener neener neener!!! LOGAN: (sticks his tongue out and the two of them bamf away) CASSI: Looks like my fuzzy blue Elvis Pharaoh has recovered his fright. **He met the Green Room Guest in Jurassic** RYAN: I'm not going down there. CASSI: And this from a guy who swallowed a condom full of nitroglycerin. --All cast and Peanut Gallery stare at Ryan like he's insane.**He really did! Have you seen this movie?** RYAN: I got out of prison, didn't I? AUTHOR: We don't care. Into the drain, Mr. Joker. At least it isn't toxic waste. RYAN: (grumbles, but complies) MURDOC: (follows) Aww sh**! Miranda just BOUGHT me these shoes! HAN: Oh, that smell! LEIA: Oh yuck. BUFFY: I agree. SPIKE: At least I don't have to fall in it again. CASSI: No, but Ryan does. AUTHOR: Script! RYAN: Shut up, Murdoc. MURDOC: Oh like you can talk! This is the SECOND time I've had to do this! CASH: (enters) Oh YUCK! That SMELL! RYAN: (pauses) Wait, Cassi said I fall in. AUTHOR: Well....yeah. RYAN: No way. AUTHOR: Yes way, now back to the script. Carter's getting away. CASH: Which way, Ryan? RYAN: How about up and out? AUTHOR: Ahem, the Fugitive is escaping! RYAN: He's got more guts than me! AUTHOR: Well, it's nice to know someone on set isn't a baby. CASH: If this makes me a baby, get me a bottle and a crib. I'd rather be humiliated than in here. TANGO: Doesn't surprise me after that leather mini skirt and spiked high heels. MURDOC: (glances at Cash) Another dress guy, ey? CASH: (shrugs) It worked. AUTHOR: Script! To Carter now! --Carter is wearing a surgical mask over his face as he runs. He comes to a fork in the tunnel. He pulls off his jacket and throws it down one tunnel and takes the other one.-- CHRIS: Back to the wimps. RYAN: Yeah, right. Carter's cheating. He's wearing a mask. AUTHOR: It ain't that helpful. Now back to the script. --Ryan and the others aren't far behind. They come to the fork. Ryan sends Cash and Murdoc one way, and he takes the other.-- CHRIS: Back to Carter. --Carter comes to a place where the tunnel slopes. He hangs onto some rubber piping and climbs down. He makes it around the corner, just as Ryan reaches the sloped area.--Ryan swears in Gaelic before trying to climb down, while still holding his flashlight and gun. He falls, losing both. He sits up, looking very disgusted and wipes some of the slime off his face....swearing more in Gaelic--Meanwhile, Carter picks up the gun-- RYAN: (just looks at him) DR CARTER: (backs away) RYAN: (lifts up a small device) The gun's rigged. DR CARTER: (stares wide eyed) You said you wouldn't kill me. RYAN: (shrugs) Well if you blow yourself up, it isn't my fault. DR CARTER: (glares and runs off, disgusted) AUTHOR: You missed your lines, Carter, now get back and say them. DR CARTER: (glares and returns) I didn't kill my wife. RYAN: I wasn't aware you were married. DR CARTER: I'm not. AUTHOR: ARRRGG! (points a gun at them) RYAN: Sorry, Author. DR CARTER: Yeah, sorry. AUTHOR: Repeat the line. DR CARTER: I didn't kill my wife. RYAN: I dont' care! DR CARTER: (backs away and runs) RYAN: (draws his other gun) --Suddenly a Jawa Dink-Dink dances through wearing a gas mask and a ballerina outfit-- RYAN: (falls back into the sludge, laughing) GERARD: I don't remember that. KIMBLE: I don't remember your gun being rigged to blow up, either. CASSI: (observing the maniac rolling in the sludge) Well, Gaerity is certainly going to smell bad. AUTHOR: Ryan, get up. RYAN: (nods and stands, hurrying off after Carter) DR CARTER: (running with the gun in his hand) RYAN: (not far behind) DR CARTER: (stops short as the tunnel opens up into the dam's waterfall) CASSI: And tha waterfall's probably polluted thanks to Kurt and Logan. DR CARTER: This is so not fair. SARAH: You say that so often. I wonder what your basis for comparison is. JARETH: (grins proudly) DR CARTER: Great. My supposedly dead wife is criticizing me. RYAN: (runs up behind Carter) Put that gun down! DR CARTER: Why? So it will blow up, and you can say I killed myself? RYAN: I will shoot you. DR CARTER: Hmmm, let me think. Get blown up or be shot? I'd rather be shot. AUTHOR: Carter, it won't blow up. I promise! DR CARTER: (looks skeptical) RYAN: Put that gun down NOW! DR CARTER: (sets down the gun, gently) RYAN: Hand up, over your head! DR CARTER: (complies) RYAN: Turn around. DR CARTER: (glances at the waterfall) RYAN: John, do you wanna get shot? DR CARTER: (appears to think about it before turning around) RYAN: Pay attention. Get down on your knees. DR CARTER: Why? So you can shoot me execution style? RYAN: (rolls his eyes) DR CARTER: I'd rather jump first! (dives off the ledge) RYAN: (in a fit of rage, dives off after him) BILL SPINO: (runs onto the set) NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'LL SAVE YOU!!!!!!!!!! (catches Ryan) Don't do that to me!! NO NO NO NO!!! You really scared me!! (cuddles Ryan) SPEAK TO MEEEE!!!! GRANT: (stares) RYAN: AWWW, Bill, you let him get AWAY! BILL: You scared me. RYAN: Just put me back in the tunnel. BILL: (complies, and goes to sit down, keeping close watch on Ryan) MURDOC: Ryan? RYAN: Right here. MURDOC: Ryan, wha'd I miss? RYAN: Carter did a Peter Pan right off this dam, right here. PETER: Did not. Otherwise, he'd have flown. RUFIO: Not without a happy thought. AUTHOR: Script. MURDOC: WHAT!? AUTHOR: I sad SCRIPT! What are you DEAF? MURDOC: That was my LINE! AUTHOR: (grins) I know. Couldn't help it. Back to the script. RYAN: He did not go boom, the script says he did. CASSI: More of a splat then a boom. CHRIS: Should we rate it? AUTHOR: Why not? CHRIS: 9.8. He jumped. JOHN: 10 if he lived. 5.0 if he didn't. ASST NILES: 9.7. Not enough finesse in the jump. AUTHOR: 10 if he lives. 9.5 if he dies. CASSI: 10 if he lived. If not, 5.0. STRANIX: 10.0. He's got guts to try it. LOGAN: Isn't that degrading? MURDOC: (fires his gun at Logan) I'M GONNA KILL YOU, YOU FREAK!!!! YOU RUINED MY SHOES! LOGAN: (sticks his tongue out and runs) MURDOC: (ignites his lightsaber) AUTHOR: Later, Murdoc, now SCRIPT! MURDOC: (swears) RYAN: (laughs) MURDOC: All right. Can we go home now? RYAN: No! AUTHOR: Okay, Ryan, Murdoc, and Cash attempt to find a way out. RYAN: There's no way out of here! We're gonna die in this stench! MURDOC: Stairs! RYAN: Really? Is that what those are? MURDOC: (gives Ryan an brainduster) CASH: (pushes Ryan up the stairs) --They meet Storm, Scott and Ardeth outside-- RYAN: (on radio) Tell them to glass this river up and down. BOBBY: I can do that. (proceeds to freeze the river) AUTHOR: No Bobby! BAD! BOBBY: (stops and does the Wolvie pout) ASH: Go Charizard! CHARIZARD: (appears) AUTHOR: Thankyou, Ash. ASH: Charizard, melt the ice. --Charizard does this and returns to his Pokeball-- AUTHOR: Back to the script. CASH: (to Ryan) What are you, out of your mind!? He's DEAD! RYAN: That ought'a make him easy to catch. CASSI: Good point. DAVE: Carter's not really dead, is he? AUTHOR: That depends....how good a swimmer is he? ABBY: Carter as time to swim?! AUTHOR: Then he's probably dead. SUSAN: He could have lived. DAVE: As weak as he was? AUTHOR: Just wait and see. RYAN: I want hounds on both sides of this river and 2 miles up and down. you guys got a search and rescure team in this county? SCOTT: Yeah. RYAN: Have them drag the bottom of this spillway. (to Storm) how come they haven't turned the water off yet? STORM: (glares and her eyes turn white--she causes a lightning bolt to strike the falls electricity plant... naturally, the falls stop) RYAN: Thankyou. AUTHOR: End scene. Next scene, a boat is dragging the bottom of the river. LUKE: (approaches Ryan) Running out of daylight, Ryan. RYAN: Lights and generators are coming, Jedi. LUKE: Look, I don't mean to tell you how to do your job, but maybe one person in a million could have survived that. The guy is fish food! RYAN: So get a cane and pole and catch me the fish that ate him. LUKE: Right. Sure. RYAN: (glares and pushes Luke into the river) --An eyeball pokes out of the water. Luke is grabbed and pulled under-- AUTHOR: Okay, who put the dianogas in there? --Logan and Kurt bamf onto the set, laughing, then bamf off-- LUKE: (manages to get away and crawls to the shore, choking) --Suddenly, a loud roar of a Gyarados is heard-- JAMES: (hides under his chair) --The Gyarados comes into sight-- MURDOC: Big-big big SNAKE!!!! (faints) COSMO: (follows suit) --The Gyarados seems to be choking. It gives one last heave before vomiting on the floor. Carter lands. He is not breathing....the Gyarados swims offset, gagging-- MUNGO: Oh yuck..I'm no' touchin' tha'! ANGELUS: (grabs a hose and sprays Carter down) All yours. DAVE & BENTON: (carry Carter to medlab) AUTHOR: Make sure you get the water out of his lungs before you bring him back! DAVE: Will do! CASSI: I guess we're on break. JOHN: Well, he died. AUTHOR: That certainly killed his score. CHRIS: Well, at least he tried. JAWA: (comes out of the Green Room with a note) AUTHOR: (reads it) He doesn't think Carter's a wuss anymore. CASSI: Well, that should please him. WOLVIE: I wanna fight! AUTHOR: How about you don't and say you did. WOLVIE: But that's no fun. CREEPY: No, definitely not. We like to fight. CASSI: Why doesn't this surprise us? LUKE: I'm never going near any large bodies of water again. RYAN: (snickers) MURDOC: Can I go kill Logan now? AUTHOR: No, you may not. RYAN: How do we get the smell out of our clothes? MURDOC: We don't. SPIKE: It don't come out. YAKKO: I can help! --Before they can protest, cans of Acme Tomato juice appear and dump over their heads-- RYAN: (wipes the tomato juice off his face and swears in Gaelic again) CASH: Oh yuck. MURDOC: Now I know how Spike felt. SPIKE: Good. Let someone ELSE get tortured. LOGAN: (from the doorway) I haven't forgotten you put me in carbonite. SPIKE: No I didn't. The X-Babies did. LOGAN: You supervised. SPIKE: Oh come on. We tried to get you out in Shadows. LOGAN: Yeah right. That reminds me.. I still owe Xander! XANDER: (shouting) Wait!! Losing you under my laundry was an accident! LOGAN: (smiles) Don't worry. You'll have an accident soon. (exits the set) CASSI: Ouch. Xander's gonna get it! SPIKE: I'd better not end up with anymore paint in my hair. WAGNER: (from the ceiling) Good idea. (bamfs away) SPIKE: (groans) Stake me now. BUFFY: Okay. (stakes him) AUTHOR: Buffy!! Bad!! Bring him back! BUFFY: (pouting) But-- AUTHOR: Angelus? ANGELUS: (groans, but holds out a hose and sprays Spike's ashes) SPIKE: (back to normal) Bloody Hell! Why'd you do that, Buffy? BUFFY: You thought I was gonna pass that up? SPIKE: (glares) BUFFY: You were asking for it! SPIKE: (stomps offset) AUTHOR: this is getting interesting. JAMES: (from under hs chair) Is the Gyarados gone yet? MURDOC: Some time ago. JESSIE: (after he crawls out) Wimp. WOLVIE: I'm hungry. CREEPY: So am I. SNAGGLE: Me too. CYKE: Me three. PHYRO: I wanna burn a marshmallow. MAGNEATO: Me too. SHADOWKITTY: No fair! Me too! CASSI: Suddenly, I'm hungry. AUTHOR: Same here. Let's get something to eat. AUTHOR & CASSI: (exit) CHRIS: GReat, they left us with starving X-Babies. DR CARTER: (stumbles out of medlab) I'm alive again. RYAN: You look terrible. DR CARTER: I feel terrible. I don't wanna do that again. KRISTI: Now if only episodes of ER were like that. JANEWAY: (as a cat--STILL) When will I be changed back? MISTO: Not until the Author says so. JANEWAY: (muttering) Oh great. KRISTI: I guess this means you won't be returning to the ship any time soon. JANEWAY: (glares) DR DOOM: Is this how things are all the time? SCOTT: Yep, pretty much...maybe a bit wierder. DR DOOM: This is worse than Arcade. CHRIS: Yeah, well you already sold yourself. you've been assimilated and you have no escape. DR DOOM: (stares) Oh well. I best enjoy it if I'm to stay for an extended period of time. CHRIS: (going through a folder) Hey! I found the cast sheet for the next spoof! JOHN: Lemme see! The Guest is on that! CHRIS: (reads through the list and swears) She whited out one name. I think it's him. AUTHOR: (from the doorway) Well, you didn't think I was going to ruin the surprise, did you? CHRIS: (scratches away the white out and reads the name...he starts laughing) Your secret's safe with me!! AUTHOR: (snatches the cast sheet and stomps away) JOHN: Who is it, Chris? CHRIS: (is still laughing) WAGNER: You're crazy. He's insane. DR CARTER: I second the insane part. KRISTI: I say third to that. SPIKE: You know who it is? KRISTI: Of course. They're my sisters. You think they'd keep a secret like that from me?! SPIKE: Not fair. CHRIS: This is soooo funny. WAGNER: Yes, vell you didn't see vhat he vas eating. CHRIS: (shrugs) I can imagine. WOLVIE: I wanna marshmallow! PHYRO: If I don't get one, I'm gonna burn the set down! --Jawas come in with a food cart. They hand two bags of marshmallows to the X-Babies--Logan dashes across the set and grabs two bags, dodging gunfire the whole way, then he runs offset-- MURDOC: I am so gonna get him. RYAN: I wonder if he'd live through being blown up. CASH: Hmmm, might be interesting. MISTY: The fish are dying in that river you polluted. MURDOC: We didn't pollute it. Logan and Kurt did. HAN: (looks into the river) Yeah, the fish are dying, but the Dianogas are thriving. MISTY: The Pokemon don't like it. ASH: So? MISTY: (hits him) Just cause you only have one water Pokemon... ASH: I have two. BOBBY: (thoughtfully) Maybe if the Pokemon drank the water, they'd mutat into strange monsters.... ASH & MISTY: (stare at him) WOLVIE: (chewing on a marshmallow) Cool, I wanna see. CREEPY: Yeah, it would be cool. SCOTT: Bobby, keep your notions to yourself. BOBBY: Come on, it WOULD be cool. ASH: (grabs a gun and shoots at Bobby) BOBBY: (creats an ice shield, blocking the shots) ASH: Pikachu? PIKACHU: PiiiiikaaaaaaaaaCHUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!(elecricuts Bobby until he passes out) ASH: That's what you get for being made of water. GLORY: Does that mean I don't have to act with him on the other set? DAVE: (checks Bobby's pulse) No, he's still alive. GLORY: Darn. IMHOTEP: I can kill him for you. AUTHOR: How about you don't? CASSI: Yeah, No killing the stars if "James"! MURDOC: Does that mean I cant kill Logan and Kurt? CASSI: Well, they're acting in two spoofs at the same time. RYAN: (sarcastically) So of course that means they can get away with anything. LUKE: Will everyone shut up before I get a headache? AUTHOR: Why? I already have one. LUKE: (glares) LOGAN: (from the edge of set) You should have let the Dianogas have him! LUKE: (pulls out a blaster ans shoots it at Logan, but Wagner bamfs the two of them quickly away) AUTHOR: Well, now that Carter's back, we need to continue. DR CARTER: Just let me sit for a moment, okay? AUTHOR: Fine, give it an hour. --AN HOUR LATER-- AUTHOR: Can we start now? DAVE: (comes out of medlab) Um, Author? Dr. Romano had a accident with Dr. Benton's scalpel. He's dead. MURDOC: Right, just like Harmony had an accident with my axe. DAVE: We wanna know if we should bring him back. CASSI: Let em vote. --TEN MINUTES LATER, THE VOTES ARE IN-- AUTHOR: Alright, I'll read the votes....1: leave him dead, 2: leave him dead, 3: he's better off dead, 4: dead, 5:either leave him dead or give him to Abominable, 6: dump his bloody corpse in a street some- where, 7: give him to the raptors-- STEVE: I like that one. AUTHOR: (continues) 8: bring him back, he's the boss, 9: dead, mutilated and in the street, 10: dead, of course, 11: grind him up and turn him into dog food, 12: bring him back so I can kill him, and 13: bury him somewhere. MURDOC: And these are DOCTORS!? CASSI: They aren't treating me. DAVE: Who voted to bring him back? WEAVER: That was me. DAVE: (grabs Murdoc's gun and shoots her) Die, Nazi Dyke! (looks at the Author) Does her vote count? She's dead. DR CARTER: I say we give them to the Abominable Snowman! DAVE: Abominable? The Snowman from Bugs Bunny?! DR CARTER: Yep. DAVE: Yes, very good idea. Come on, lets' bring them back and let Abominable have them! GREENE: IS that a good idea? AUTHOR: Yep, it's great....and fun. Now go ahead and bring them back. Tell me when they're alive, and we'll take care of it. Now back to the spoof.....................**Not to infringe on Romano haters, but as surprising as it may seem, Cassi actually likes him ^_^, so rest assured, he WILL be back....you can COUNT on it!!!** ---TWO WEEKS LATER---- SPIKE: You gotta stop doing that. AUTHOR: (shrugs) DAVE: Romano and Weaver are back. SPIKE: We let Anglus play with them for a while. AUTHOR: Oh really? CASSI: How many times did you have to bring them back? ANGELUS: Yuck! Like I'd drink their blood. They'd probably give me cooties. AUTHOR: Amusing. Please bring in the doctors. --Angelus and Spike exit and return a few moments later with Romano and Weaver-- WEAVER: This is inexcuseable! ROMANO: You'll be hearing from my lawyers! AUTHOR: Really? Do you think they'd believe you? ROMANO: Ehhh.. DAVE: Say, does that mean you're leaving? ROMANO: What's that supposed to mean? DAVE: They'll send you to the looney bin. WEAVER: That's blackmail. CASSI: But it IS true. STEPHAN: Shall I give them the ears? WEAVER: What ears? AUTHOR: Please do. STEPHAN: (well.....by now you know the drill) AUTHOR: Who wants to call our friend? DR CARTER: 'EY!!! ABOMINABLE!!! COME GET GEORGE AND GEORGETTE!!! CASSI: I likes. ABOMINABLE: George, der you are and you brung me a friend!! You shouldn't have tried to run off. (exits with the 2 doctors) CASSI: Ah, no more annoying voice. **So I happen to think Weaver has a very annoying voice--sue me) ALL ER CREW: (wild cheering) STRANIX: Can we continue now? CHRIS: Yes, a very good question. AUTHOR: Is everyone here? CASSI: Seems to be. AUTHOR: Then we can start...**and all the readers say??? "IT'S ABOUT BLOODY TIME!!!!!** CHRIS: Where do we start? AUTHOR: Let me skip a few things....alright skip Ryan's crew on the plane....go to Carter walking along the said of the road.. CHRIS: Okay, Carter, go for it. DR CARTER: (starts walking along an empty road) --Suddenly, the "General Lee" pulls up beside him with Kurt and Logan in the front seat-- BO: HEY! That's OUR car! AUTHOR: Kurt, where did you get that? LOGAN: We stole it from the parking lot. We were going to take the Batmobile, but Kurt had a little accident. BRUCE: WHAT!? WAGNER: ME!? YOU vere driving! If you hadn't been chugging zhat booze, ve'd have been FINE! BRUCE: (groans loudly) AUTHOR: Let's continue. Carter, go ahead and take the ride. LOGAN: You have to climb in through the window. The doors won't open. **anyone familiar with "Dukes of Hazzard" should know this car and that the doors are welded shut** DR CARTER: (sighs) Got it..(gets into the car and they drive offset) CHRIS: Alroght, next scene. US Marshal's office. MURDOC: Alright, Ryan. We got him. He's shacked up with some babe over in Whiting. RYAN: Who is? MURDOC: Jesse Colton. RYAN: Who's the babe? MURDOC: (Looks at the Author) AUTHOR: Kitty Pride has vollenteered. KITTY: What?! AUTHOR: Don't worry, all you have to do is scream. Continue. STORM: She left work tonight and took him home. KITTY: Like I'd DO that! AUTHOR: (glares) CASH: (hangs up the phone) Alright, they just spotted her car outside her house. RYAN: Does she run with anyone in the area? SCOTT: Only the X-Men and EXcalibur. She and Kurt are pretty close. RYAN: In THIS area, not New York! SCOTT: Kurt's in this area! AUTHOR: Script! SCOTT: Sorry. MURDOC: No, none that we could find. No family, either. LOGAN: They got really bad infomates MURDOC: It's in the (pauses, pulls out a gun and shoots at Logan, who bolts offset)...script. (smiles) **honestly, can you imagine the REAL ones acting like this?! All I can say is the movie would have been REALLY interesting.**CASSI: (gives a devilish grin as she types)** RYAN: Alright, have somebody sit on her car and tell the police that noblody moves till we get there. We'll get there first thing in the morning. (to Murdoc) Your cousin still got his truck? MURDOC: I have a cousin!? RYAN: I guess so. MURDOC: Well, since I didn't know I had a cousin, I don't know if he has a truck. AUTHOR: (groans) End scene. Look, let's take a short break. Everybody go out and eat. I'm hungry. Be back in an hour. CASSI: Sounds like a plan. RYAN: (exits with Ardeth, the two of them talking intently) AUTHOR & CASSI: (exit) ONE HOUR LATER ***************** --EVERYONE HAS RETURNED-- AUTHOR: Alright, next morning at Mr. Colton's house. Everybody take your places. STORM: (walks across the street, dressed as a bag lady) MURDOC: (gets out of a van) RYAN & ARDETH: (stagger across the yard....drunk....VERY drunk) RYAN: (slurring) Be drunk, Ardeth. ARDETH: (pulling out a liquor bottle) I AM drunk. (stumbles) SPIKE: 'EY!!No fair! AUTHOR: (smacks her forehead into a wall) Oh great... RYAN: (proudly) We went to a pub....took me forever to get him to drink. RICK: That's because Med-jai aren't supposed to drink. AUTHOR: Just ACT! RYAN: (nods and staggers, snatching the bottle away from Ardeth, taking a swig of it before Ardeth snatches it back) --We switch over to Cash and Billy, who take boxes out of a cart-- CASH: Stay close, rookie. BILLY: Who are you calling a ROOKIE?! CASH: Reading my script. BILLY: Right on your ass, buddy. CASH: That's a little too close for comfort. BULLY: (glaring) Funny. --Meanwhile, Ryan and Ardeth are still staggering about. Ryan attempts to draw his gun, but drops it. He falls over when he tries to pick it up-- MURDOC: (muttering) Oh great, now we're dead. ARDETH: (helps Ryan up) RYAN: Ardeth, I don't want you to get losht in there. You shtay with me. ARDETH: (staggers some more) Right. --The entire group converges on the house-- RYAN: Now what? AUTHOR: Follow the script. RYAN: (looks, and nods, before he staggers over and picks up a rocket launcher and blows the door apart) Script was boring. AUTHOR: (shaking her head) Why me? **Like I said...Why wasn't THIS in the real one!? You know "Newman and Sam get plowed before they go into the house and Sam breaks down the door with a rocket launcher?" Seriously. I would PAY to see that** RYAN: (shouting) United States Marshals! Everybody DOWN!!! --They all run into the house with the exception of Ardeth and Ryan....who stagger in-- JESSE: (dives into another room) KITTY: (starts screaming) RYAN: (points the gun at her) Hold it right there.....eh...stick 'em up! CASSI: Ummm... GERARD: (groans) This is an embarrassment to the entire US Marshal's office. KIMBLE: Well, the guy IS drunk. COSMO: I think it's funny. GERARD: (glares) That's because it's me they're making a mockery of, not you. AUTHOR: Script! RYAN: (to Kitty) Show me thoshe hands! KITTY: (flips him off with both hands...still screaming) CASSI: (snickering) Well, at least she showed him her hands. RYAN: (glares and stumbles int the next room) ARDETH: (staggers in and points his gun at Kitty...slurring his words) Keep'emup. (staggers across the room and into the room opposite Ryan) JESSE: (grabs the gun from Ardeth and sticks it to the Med-jai's head) Come here. Come on, get your Med-jai ass in here. ARDETH: (obviously very drunk-starts laughing) This is funny. RYAN: (looks in from another room) JESSE: (shouting) I got your man! I got your man, you hear me? ARDETH: (laughing) You are yelling really loud.. JESSE: (ignores him) I want outa here! I got your man, and I'm gonna blow his brains out!! ARDETH: (still laughing) Weee, brainshon the wall!! CASSI: Ardeth has gone bye bye. RICK: What were they drinking? BUFFY: Draino? RYAN: (staggers around and goes into another room) JESSE: You hear me? ARDETH: You yell real loud... the DEAF can hear you. RYAN: (staggers along a wall) JESSE: Now listen! We can work this out! Listen and I'll tell you what I want.. RYAN: (swings around a door and shoots Jesse in the head) ARDETH: (stares in shock then passes out on the floor) RYAN: (waltzes over and snatches the bottle out of Ardeth's jacket pocket) --Murdoc,Storm, Cash, and Billy burst into the room-- RYAN: (starts guzzling from the bottle) MURDOC: (staring) You actually HIT the guy!? RYAN: (drains the bottle) Lucky shot. (staggers out) KITTY: (still screaming) RYAN: Shut up. (staggers another step and passes out) KITTY: (stares) Interesting. AUTHOR: Uh....end scene. WAGNER: Zhat vas...vell.... SPIKE: Different. (picks up the empty bottle and sniffs it) Ugh, Irish whiskey. No wonder they were stoned. AUTHOR: Someone wake those two up. They have another scene. --15 MINUTES LATER...OUTSIDE THE HOUSE ************************************** ARDETH: (leans on the hood of the car, rubbing his ears) --Across the street, Kitty's car is being towed away because Blob sat on it....which tells us never to use figures of speech on our set, because there's always some idiot who will take you seriously.....we're gonna have a heck of a time in the second one when he's supposed to say "Stand on those guys till one of 'em squeaks"-- AUTHOR: why do they always have to take everything literally? STORM: (walks Kitty over to a police car) This way. RYAN: (approaches Ardeth, carrying a coat...he gives Ardeth a Look) ARDETH: You stole my bottle. AUTHOR: Script please. ARDETH: I can't hear anything. My ear is....uh..(pause) I cannot BELIEVE you did that! You were DRUNK!!! You could have hit ME!!! RYAN: WERE drunk? I still am. ARDETH: So am I. AUTHOR: Ahem. RYAN: You think I should have bargained with that guy? ARDETH: No, I think you should have called Murdoc. He wasn't drunk. CHRIS: Get it right! ARDETH: Yes, I do. You could have missed. RYAN: Nah, I'll let Ralph's wife do that in the other spoof. ARDETH: I'm not supposed to die in that one. RYAN: Right. Sorry. How bad's that ear? ARDETH: It's terrible. I'm going to have permanent hearing damage. IMHOTEP: Interesting. A Med-jai Chieftain who's hard of hearing.... ARDETH: (glares) RYAN: That bad, ey? Let me see it. (leans forward and speaks quietly into Ardeth's ear) Can you hear what I'm saying now? ARDETH: (looks at him) WHAT!? RYAN: (flatly) Your hearin's not that bad. ARDETH: (laughs) I heard you. It's a miracle!! CASSI: Oy vey. RYAN: (grins) This is kinda funny. AUTHOR: Oh forget it. Skip to where Carter's on the phone with Niles. DR CARTER: (calls Niles) Niles, this is John. ASST NILES: Huh? CASSI: Other Niles. NILES: John? Why did you run? Running only makes you look guilty. DR CARTER: Kinda hard to look guilty when the woman I'm supposed to have murdered is sitting right over there. SARAH: He has a point. NILES: Doesn't matter. He was convicted in a court of law. CARTER: (rolls his eyes) I wasn't worried about appearences, Niles. NILES: Tell me where you are, so I can come get you, and you can turn yourself in. DR CARTER: I'm not gonna turn myself in. Do you know what happens to guys like me who go to prison? ANGELUS: We don't care. DR CARTER: (flatly) I'm sure you don't, since you were the one who put me there to start with. ANGELUS & SPIKE: (grin proudly) GERARD: I really don't remember that in the phonecall. AUTHOR: Niether do I. Carter, get it right! DR CARTER: I'm not gonna turn myself in. I need help. I need money. CASSI: Who doesn't? AUTHOR: Good point. Continue. NILES: John, I would but the script says I can't. Just give yourself up. That way, the movie will be over. Now where are you? DR CARTER: St. Louis. CASSI: Are YOU a rotten liar. NILES: Get me an address and I'll get there as soon as possible. DR CARTER: (hangs up and walks away) CHRIS: Cut and print. Well, that was terrible. WOLVIE: Tell me about it. I fell asleep. AUTHOR: My head hurts. CASSI: Same here. CHRIS: Breaktime? DRU: Can oi play? SPIKE: Just bloody great. ANGELUS: Hey, baby. DRU: (smiles) I knew you were here, moi Angelus. SPIKE: Pixies in your head again, Pet? DRU: No, the Author tol' me. SPIKE: (glares at the Author) AUTHOR: Hey, it could be worse. SPIKE: Right....(pause) What's worse? CASSI: She could'a brought Darla. AUTHOR: No...she's...uh otherwise occupied at the moment. **for those who haven't seen Angel, Darla is pregnant at this time** CASSI: Right. Good point. DRU: Oi had the stranges' dream. SPIKE: Of what? DRU: Oi can' remembah. BUFFY: Why don't THAT surprise us? XANDER: Because it's Dru. ANGELUS: She's not that bad. AUTHOR: Right. Says you. Now back to the script. My head feels a little better...could have been the pills I swallowed. Ryan, you're on the phone. RYAN: With who? AUTHOR: Somebody who's mad at you for killing Jesse Colton. BILLY: Me? AUTHOR: No, you're part of his team. You're not supposed to care. BILLY: Oh. Right. MUNGO: 'Soides 'e'll be aloive soon enough. GREENE: Mungo, can you bring people back to life who are not on this set? MUNGO: Nope, these pills only work on se'. GREENE: Darn. Oh well, had to ask. AUTHOR: Can we continue? Ryan, just read your script. RYAN: (muttering) I think I liked being the bad guy better. AUTHOR: Ready? RYAN: What can I tell you, sir? Colton was a bad man. He was going to kill one of my.....Ardeth isn't my kid. **YET--in a later spoof Ardeth will actually become Ryan's son....Jerry Springer anyone?** AUTHOR: Script! RYAN: Well, sir, you can blame me. I mean, I'm the one who shot him. (hangs up the phone) Idiot. AUTHOR: Close enough. RYAN: (stands and walks out of his office, heading for a room filled with computers, and phone tap listening devices)