--The rest of the crew is already in the room, listening to the phonecall between Carter and Niles Crane--

RYAN:  (closes the door behind him)  So he showed up not dead yet.  Let that be a lesson to you, lads 
and lasses.  Don't ever argue with the big dog.  The big dog is always right.
JUBILEE:  (to Gerard)  You're a dog?
GERARD:  (glares)
CASH:  Arf arf!
HARLEY:  *I can do better*  (gives a loud wolf-howl, causing half the cast to jump)
RYAN:  Hey puppy!
HARLEY:  *Hello*
AUTHOR:  Script.
STORM:  (to Ryan)  Yeah, you've been right before.
RYAN:  (laughs)  Alright.
BYERS:  (plays the phonecall again)
BILLY:  I might be crazy, but that sounds like an El.
ARDETH:  You're probably crazy.  Everyone else is.
CASH:  St. Louis doesn't have an El.
TANGO:  How would you know?  You're from California.
CASH:  I read the script.
LOGAN:  I say it sounds like one.  An elevated train gives off a slight echo beneath it.
RYAN:  Oh, so you're an expert.
LOGAN:  Hey, I can hear the difference.
RYAN:  You must have ears like an eagle.  Play that back.  I want ta hear the sound of an elevated train.
BYERS:  (rewinds the tape and plays it again)
MURDOC:  Alright, wait a minute, what cities have El's?  New York...
STORM:  Philly.
CASH:  We do.
MURDOC:  (nods)  We have one, Milwalkee....
RYAN:  (listening to the tape)  Hold it right there, Byers.  Right there.  Where the Shrink says that he 
sounds guilty.  There's bells and a guy on a PA.  I want you to drop everything but the guy on the PA.
Can you do that?
BYERS:  Yeah, sure, no problem.  (plays the tape)
RYAN:  Right there...what's he sayin'?  It sounds like "next stop..."
LOGAN:  (cuts in)  He said "Next stop, Merchandise Mart."
RYAN:  Hieghtened senses, right?
LOGAN:  (grins)
AUTHOR:  Well, that was easy.
KIMBLE:  Boy, I chose the wrong phone to call from.
AUTHOR:  Script.
RYAN:  Son of a (pauses and looks at the Author)..beep.  Our boy came home.
MURDOC:  That bell....that's the bell on the Wells Street bridge!  That's six blocks away!
AUTHOR:  Alright, everyone act busy.
RYAN:  I knew that was a elevated train.
CASH:  Oh yeah, big Dawg, you're never wrong.
CASSI:  Rude, pigheaded, egotistical, misinformed, perhaps, but never wrong.
RYAN:  That wasn't funny.
BIGGS:  But it was true about Gerard.
AUTHOR:  Careful Biggs, in the next spoof, your boss will be able to use the Darkside if the Farce.
GERARD:  Huh?
LUKE:  Oh don't tell me he's C'Boath  
AUTHOR:  (grins)  Script!
STORM:  Okay, this is his Chicago file.
CASH:  I'm gonna notify the CPD.
SPIKE:  We already know.  We WERE paying attention, you know.
ANGELUS:  Yep.
BUFFY:  Isn't it wonderful when law enforcement becomes vampires?
DAWN:  Well, Spike's not that bad.
SPIKE:  (chokes)  Take that back!
MURDOC:  I'm not saying my next lines.
AUTHOR:  Fine.  Logan, you're up.
LOGAN:  I'll notify the press. 
JONATHAN:  I already know, too.
PENNY:  Me too.
RYAN:  No press.  Parker, why don't you go find Raptorman?
MALCOM:  That's not funny.
PENNY:  No thanks, I've had enough of people in masks.  **ie Phantom & Batman**
JONATHAN:  We'll just be going now.
RYAN:  Wise decision.
AUTHOR:  Okay, skip to when Mulder gets in his car and drives under a parking garage-like area.  He 
stops at a red light.

--Drusilla, the X-Babies and a line of Jawas come across the street in the traditional "Dink-dink" dance 
and song.-- 

SCOTT:  You know, I was starting to miss that.
CASSI:  Well, I don't remember Dru and the X-Babies being in the original.
AUTHOR:  That's because they weren't.
MULDER:  (stares after them)
DR CARTER:  (knocks on Mulder's window)
MULDER:  (jumps and bangs his head on the roof of his car)  Don't scare me like that!
DR CARTER:  How are you Fox?
MULDER:  Don't call me that.
SCULLY:  (snickers)
DR CARTER:  I need some money.
MULDER:  Money now?  First I have to buy you gas, now I have to give you MONEY!?
DR CARTER:  You're the reason I'm IN this mess, you know.  You owe me.
MULDER:  Fine.  Get in.
DR CARTER:  No, I can't.  Just whatever you have on you.  you're hot, pal.  If you aren't now, you will be.
CASSI:  I'm not gonna say what that just sounded like.
DR CARTER:  (glares)
MULDER:  I don't have any money.  I'm an FBI Agent, not a doctor.
DR CARTER:  Oh you ARE pathetic!
MULDER:  I'M pathetic!?
AUTHOR:  (walks over and gives Carter some money)
DR CARTER:  Thanks.
AUTHOR:  Don't mention it.  I took it from your wallet.  **as a few friends of mine would say.."We're 
always generous with money when it's not ours."**
DR CARTER:  (glares)
MULDER:  Have you a place to stay?  How can I help you?

--A police siren sounds from behind Mulder's car--

XANDER:  (from the car)  You got a green light!  Move on!  Come on, dummy DRIVE!!  Stop talking to the
escaped felon and move!
DR CARTER:  I'll call you.  (starts walking away)
MULDER:  (calling after him)  Yeah, but John?
XANDER: What are you deaf!?
MULDER:  (sticks his arm out the window and flips Xander off before speeding away)
XANDER:  (turns on his siren and drives after him--you can hear him shouting-)  HALT!!  In the name of..
uh...(pause)  Ah HAH!  The Bounty hunter, Xander FETT!  HALT I TELL YOU!!!
CASSI:  Well, that was different.
KIMBLE:  I don't remember that.
GERARD:  I don't remember the detectives being vampires, either.  I guess we just have to go with it.
CHRIS: Next scene.  Switch to Ryan's office.  Murdoc is seated at his side and the rest of his team is
watching from outside the room.  Spike and Angelus are seated across from Ryan and Murdoc.
RYAN:  So why did John Carter kill his wife?
SPIKE:  He didn't.
ANGELUS:  I didn't know he was married.
RYAN:  Okay, let me rephrase that.  Why did John Carter kill Sarah Williams, who isn't his wife, and isn't
really dead?  And if you would read the script's answer.
SPIKE:  He did it for the money.
RYAN:  Pu-lease!  The man's a multi millionare and you're saying he did it for money?
SPIKE:  Yeh, well you told me to read the script's answer.  Besides, I hear Carter's parents don't approve 
of him.
CASSI: No, but his Gamma does and she's the one with the money.
SPIKE:  His GAMMA!?  What is he, a toddler?!
DR CARTER:  (pulls out Buffy's cross-bow and shoots Spike)
SPIKE:  Bloody hell!  That HURT!  (pulls out the arrow that has just missed his heart)  Besides, you 
missed.
AUTHOR:  Next time, Spike.  Maybe you shouldn't insult someone when it concerns his family.  Carter
is fiercly protective when it comes to his Gamma.  Besides, I think it's cute.
CASSI:  Yep, just adorable.
STRANIX:  Can we continue?
RYAN:  Yes.  (to Spike)  Is this the entire Chicago police department file?
SPIKE:  Do I look like I know?
ANGELUS:  No you're blond.  you look like the type that is utterly clueless, just like your girlfriend.
BUFFY:  I am NOT Spike's girlfriend!
CASSI:  How do you know he meant you?  He might have been talking about Harmony?
BUFFY:  Well, it's just that--never mind.
ANGELUS:  (to Ryan)  Yeah, that's everything.  It's all in there.
RYAN:  Okay Murdoc, I wanna do all these interviews again.
MURDOC:  Why?  That takes a lot of time.
RYAN:  (shrugs)  I guess that's how the good guys get the bad guy.
MURDOC:  They never caught me, so I guess that doesn't really work.
GERARD:  I was never assigned to go after you.
MURDOC:  Good point.
MACGYVER:  No, I was the one who got stuck with that job.
MURDOC:  Excuse me, but I seem to remember that you just got in the way, and then you made me mad.
I went after YOU, not the other way around.
CASSI:  Both of you be QUIET!  We don't care.
MURDOC:  I have a line.
AUTHOR:  So say it and stop wasting time!
MURDOC:  (mutters under his breath then says his line)  Uh, the list of hospital staff, is it in the file?
SPIKE:  Could be.
RYAN:  Better be.  (holds up a stake)
MURDOC:  (lifts his axe)
SPIKE:  It's in there.
ANGELUS:  So you guys....uh//(eyes the axe and the stake) don't wanna....uh...use the media?
RYAN: Why would we want that?
MURDOC:  Yeah, we're bad guys.  We want killers to run free.
JAWA:  (scurries in from the Green Room and hands Ryan a note)
RYAN:  (reads it and grins)  He says there should be more cops like us.
AUTHOR:  That's nice.  Now get it right, Gaerity.
RYAN:  (rolls his eyes)  No, we want him to relax, make himself comfortable, try to reenter his life some-
where.
AUTHOR:  Cut and print.
SPIKE:  Can I leave the psycho's office now?
AUTHOR:  Sure, go ahead.
SPIKE & ANGELUS:  (exit, still eyeing Murdoc and Ryan)
CHRIS:  Next scene.
AUTHOR:  (yelling)  Hey, Carol!  Doug!  Get in here!
DOUG & CAROL:  (enter the set from medlab)
DOUG:  Yeah?
AUTHOR:  You have a part.  (hands them their scripts)
DOUG:  Wait a minute, this is supposed to be a Polish woman and her son.
CASSI:  Do you see any Polish women and their sons on set?
DOUG:  Oh, right.
CAROL:  So you want us to do it.
AUTHOR:  Yeah.
DOUG:  This script says me and another guy get arrested.
AUTHOR:  Yeah, I'll drag in Kovac for that, so he can get arrested with you.
KOVAC:  (peeks in)  What!?
AUTHOR:  You're not here, yet.  Scram!
KOVAC:  But--
AUTHOR:  (fires a shot toward him, hitting the wall)
KOVAC:  (wisely goes back into medlab)
AUTHOR:  Let's begin.
DR CARTER:  (walks over to Carol and Doug.)  Good to see you guys.
DOUG:  Likewise.
CHRIS:  Script or crispy.  (waves the flamethrower)
CAROL:  Here is the apartment.
DOUG:  Small, isn't it?
CAROL:  (shrugs and looks at her script)  Here is the heater, so you won't freeze to death, here's the 
kitchen, the sink--make sure you keep it clean.  Over here, is the bathroom, don't ruin it, and here is the
room.  It has a really nice bed and plenty of space.  You can look at it.
DR CARTER:  I am NOT a disaster area, you know.
CAROL:  I was reading the script.
DR CARTER:  (grabs the script and reads it)  This is so not right.
KIMBLE:  The Polish lady didn't say that.
AUTHOR:  So?  I don't want the place trashed, okay?  We may need it for another spoof.
CASSI:  Yeh, so behave, or we'll evict you.
AUTHOR:  Now SCRIPT!
CAROL:  So you like the place?  It's okay with you?
DR CARTER:  (mumbles under his breath)  Yeah, it's perfect.
DOUG:  Good.  Great to have you with us.
DR CARTER:  At least it's you and not some psychopath.
CASSI:  You mean you wouldn't want to live with the Green Room Guest?
WAGNER:  (bamfs to the ceiling) 
DR CARTER:  (pales and faints)
AUTHOR:  Oh come on, he's not THAT bad!
WAGNER:  Zhat's a matter of opinion.
CHRIS:  Come on, Elvis, he really isn't that bad....creepy, yes, but not that bad.
WAGNER:  (bamfs offset)
STRANIX:  Let's continue.

POLICE STATION
*******************
--The room is filled with X-Man and Jellicles.  Angelus is handing out flyers, and Spike is talking to them-

SPIKE:  Alright, people....and Cats.  As of this morning, we were notified by the US Psycho's Squad that
our old friend, John Carter is alive and well, which we all knew already...Anyways, he's come back home
to Chicago.  Now you all know what high reguard we hold this....(pauses as he sees Carter, who is awake
now, holding up a crossbow) eh....wonderful doctor who has brought us back to life several times, so I
will...uh....be...(eyeing Carter)  feeding Drusilla..
DRU:  A presen'?  Bu' i's no' moi bi'thday.
SPIKE:  (continues)  Anyone who lays a finger on him.
CASSI:  Ehhh........
GERARD:  Interesting tactic.
DR CARTER:  (still holding the crossbow)  I approve.
ANGELUS:  You always were a wuss, Spike.
DR CARTER:  (shoots Angelus with the crossbow, narrowly missing his heart)  That's your warning
shot.
ANGELUS:  You're such a kind and caring doctor.
RYAN:  Have you forgotten, Vampire?  Carter cracked after I killed Magneto for the second time in one 
spoof.
DAVE:  Does that mean he's unstable?
RYAN:  Yeah, he could kill anyone.
DR CARTER:  (grins like a maniac)
AUTHOR:  But he won't, now let's continue.  Time to go to Cook County Hospital.  Carter, get rid of the
cross bow.  You're trying to prove you DIDN'T kill anyone.

COOK COUNTY HOSPITAL**CARTER'S REAL HOSPITAL FROM "ER"**
************************************************************
DR CARTER:  (tosses the crossbow to Buffy, then heads for the hospital, walking right up to the front
desk)
JERRY:  Hey, John.  How you been?
DR CARTER:  (pulls out the picture he snagged at the beginning of "James"--which, incidently, is the 
picture of the guy with the toucan on his...eh...can...and for any of you who have seen that and ER, 
the guy who plays Jerry was the same one on "George")  Hey Jerry!  (holds up the picture)  Fellow have 
toucan on can!  (grins and waves the picture, before taking off, and running)
JERRY:  (runs after him)Carter, you GET BACK HERE!!!  If you show that to anyone,  I swear I'll....(fades
as they get farther away)
CASSI:  I wondered what he wanted that picture for.
AUTHOR:  Jerry is gonna kill him.
CHRIS:  How's he planning to steal an ID card?  He'll have to ditch Jerry first. 
AUTHOR:  We'll leave that up to Carter.  Let's take another break.
WOLVIE:  Can we fight?
AUTHOR:  Have we been stopping you?
WOLVIE:  I fell asleep.
AUTHOR:  Oh, where's the rest?
WOLVIE:  (shrugs)  I'dunnow.
CASSI:  Eh, someone go look for them please.
WAGNER:  Not a chance.  Zhose kids are monsters.
WOLVIE:  But Cyke's a wuss.
SCOTT:  Says you.
WOLVIE:  (pretending to be scared)  Oh it's the big Cyke.  He thinks he's such a big man!!  FREAK!
LOGAN:  He's a wuss, too.
SCOTT:  I am NOT!
LOGAN:  Yes, you are.
SCOTT:  (shoots an optic blast, knocking Logan across the room)
LOGAN:  Oh that didn't even hurt.  
SCOTT:  (grabs a gun and starts shooting Logan)
LOGAN:  (just stands there, the bullets ricocheting around the room, while everyone ducks)
AUTHOR:  Logan, make him STOP! **See what we've done?  We made the big ones act like the little 
ones.  Are we good or what?(smiles proudly)**
LOGAN:  WHAT!?
AUTHOR:  Ryan, take Scott out, please.
RYAN:  (pulls his Marshal's gun and shoots Scott in the back of the head, killing him)
AUTHOR:  Thankyou.
WOLVIE:  That was COOL!
DAVE:  Oh yuck, what a mess!
BENTON & GREENE: (cart Scott out on a stretcher)
AUTHOR:  Logan, you do that again, and I'll find SOME way to kill you.
LOGAN:  I won't do it again.
WOLVIE:  You're a wuss, Gorilla-Freak.
LOGAN:  Quiet, runt.
AUTHOR:  Be careful, Wolvie.  In the next Star Wars Spoof, Logan's your dad.
WOLVIE:  (horrified) NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! IT'S NOT TRUE!!!  THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!!!!  (faints)
CASSI:  Wow.
AUTHOR:  Impressive.
BUFFY:  Wait a second.  You said I'm married to Logan in these spoofs.
AUTHOR:  Yep, you're pregnant with Wolvie and Shadowkitty.
BUFFY:  WHAT?!?!

TWO WEEKS LATER
********************
BUFFY:  Will you stop doing that!?
AUTHOR:  I got sidetracked.
DR CARTER:  (grins)  I stole the badge.
JERRY:  (glaring from the Peanut Gallery)  I burned the picture.
CASSI:  That's okay.  I've got it on video.
JERRY:  (grunbles and rolls his eyes)
CHRIS:  Are we ready to start now?
AUTHOR:  Of course.  Ryan, Murdoc and Cash get to interrogate Mulder.
MULDER:  Gee, how wonderful.
CASSI: Oh stop complaining.   At least your co-star's not Fiddles.
FIDDLES:  That's cuz I'm a good guy, yes I am.  Really.  I really am.
AUTHOR:  Are the X-Babies still missing?
CASSI:  Yep.
AUTHOR:  We have got to hire babysitters.
WOLVIE:  I'm still here.
LOGAN:  Like we'd ever be so lucky to get rid of you.
WOLVIE:  Yeah?  Well we'd have to be just as lucky to get rid of YOU!
STRANIX:  Will somebody shut them up!?
MURDOC:  (ignites his lightsaber)  Who's first?
LOGAN & WOLVIE:  (slience)
AUTHOR:  Can we start now?
CHRIS:  Looks like it.
AUTHOR:  Then let's start.

--Mulder is sitting at a desk, while Ryan, Murdoc, and Cash are sitting across from him--

RYAN:  (to Mulder)  So you guys went to medical school together?
MULDER:  Not really.  I never met him before Return of the Spoof.
RYAN:  You are aware I can blow you up if you don't follow the script?
MULDER:  Since when?
RYAN:  Author said so.
MULDER:  When?
AUTHOR:  During the break.
MULDER:  Right, what was my line?
FIDDLES:  Not very smart, are you?  No you're not.
MULDER:  (glares)  Yes, we did.

--In the backround, Cash is playing a gameboy--

RYAN:  Class of '73?  That makes you how old?
MULDER: (flatly)  Not that old.
SCULLY:  (snickers) 
RYAN:  (frowns at the script)  Who's Martin Fineburg?
MULDER:  No one I know.
RYAN:  Script says he's a nice guy.  Why isn't he in the medlab?
CASSI:  Because we don't know him.
RYAN:  Good reason.
AUTHOR:  Script? Maybe?  Sometime?
RYAN:  (to Mulder)When did you see him last?
MULDER:  Who?  John Carter?
RYAN:  No, Jimmy Hoffa.
DOT:  Here's your sign.
MULDER:  (glares)
RYAN:  Yes Carter.
MULDER:  A few minutes ago.  You saw him too.
AUTHOR:  Ahem.  You can be replaced by someone else.
MULDER:  Really?!  (sounding hopeful)
AUTHOR:  Well, yeah, someone would have to replace you if Abominable took you away.
MULDER:  Uh...no thanks.  I'll stay.
AUTHOR:  Then please continue now.
MULDER:  Okay, I saw John Carter this morning....which was really two weeks ago.
CASH:  (drops the gameboy and Murdoc and Ryan start to laugh)
RYAN:  What?
MURDOC:  You saw him this morning?
MULDER:  Well, sort of.  He stopped me in my car.  The Author gave him some of his own money.
CASH:  You're kidding.
MULDER:  Do I look like I'm kidding?
RYAN:  Where was this?
MULDER:  Outside my tennis club.
LANGLY:  You have a tennis club?
BYERS:  How lame is that?
SPIKE:  Wanker alert!
KIMBLE:  (laughing)  Now THIS is funny.
GERARD:  Told you they'd get you laughing.
COSMO:  So long as they have no more snakes around.
WOLVIE:  I'm bored.
CYKE:  (comes running through, yelling)  MONTHTER!!! MONTHTER!!!  (runs offset)
CASSI:  What monster?
AUTHOR:  (shrugs)  Not a clue.
WOLVIE:  I wanna see the monster!
CASSI:  Is it the Green Room Guest?
AUTHOR:  No, the door's locked.  I checked.
ARDETH:  Let's worry about the monster later.
IMHOTEP:   (innocently)  It's porbably nothing.
AUTHOR:  (suspicious)  Hmmm....
GLORY:  Just forget about it.
AUTHOR: (shrugs it off)  Oh well, the more mayhem, the merrier.  At least we found....er...did we lose him 
again?
WOLVIE: He's lost it alright.
AUTHOR:  Oh well.  Let's continue.
RYAN:  Do he ask you for help?
DR CARTER:  Hello!!  He's the BAD guy!  Why would I ask him for help?!
MULDER: (glares)  I vollunteered.  He wouldn't accept that.
CASSI:  Can you blame him?
CASH:  How much did the Author give him?
MULDER:  Why?  Planning on robbing him?
MURDOC:  Oh yeah, I forgot!  Author, what's that number again?
AUTHOR:  (hands Murdoc a card)
MURDOC:  (punches in a number)  Hello?  Who am I speaking to?  (pause)  My name isn't important.
(pause)  Two million, or he's dead.  (pauses)  You'd better have it in 48 hours.  (hangs up the phone)
GERARD:  What was THAT about?
AUTHOR:  Aquiring some fundage.
RYAN:  Who did we kidnap? 
AUTHOR:  I'll say later.  Now we continue.
DR CARTER:  What did they say?
MURDOC:  (gives Carter a thumbs up)  It's a go.
AUTHOR:  We'll discuss this later.  CONTINUE!
MURDOC:  (to Mulder)  I assure you we're not robbing him.
DR CARTER:  (Laughs)
AUTHOR:  Script!  Cash, repeat your line.
CASH:  (inspecting the gameboy that he dropped)  How much money did the Author give him?
MULDER:  Why don't you ask the Author?
AUTHOR:  Because you saw me give it to him.
MULDER:  Whatever was in Carter's wallet.
MURDOC:  He won't get far on that.
DR CARTER:  I'll say.
CASSI:  Explains the phonecall.
RYAN:  (to Mulder)  Why do you think he came back to Chicago?
MULDER:  The Author made him?
AUTHOR:  (shoots Mulder in the arm with an air dart pistol)
MULDER:  OW!!  That HURT!
AUTHOR:  It was only a dart.
MULDER:  It still hurt.
CASSI:  Sven, I told you we should leave that at home.
AUTHOR:  Sorry, Cassi.  I couldn't help it...beside, I think I like throwing darts better.
CASSI:  I noticed you nailed the dartboard to the wall with one.
AUTHOR:  I remember.  I believe I killed Giles with that one.
GILES:  WHAT?!  I am on your DARTBOARD!?
CASSI:  Lots of cast members are.
SPIKE:  You need a hobby.
CASSI:  (innocently)  That IS our hobby.
CHRIS:  Right.  We don't care.  We want to finish....someday.
MULDER:  (to Ryan)  He didn't tell me that, sir.
RYAN:  That's not what I meant, Mr. Phantom.  I'm sure he's trying to protect you from having to lie for
him.  Of course, not that he should bother, but Dr. Mulder.....(pauses)  That is a silly name.
MURDOC:  Almost as bad as Cardinal Jack.
RYAN:  (considers this)  That is a VERY stupid name.
JACK:  (glares)
CASSI:  We know.  Now let's continue.
RYAN:  Do you really want to help?  Do you really want to be his friend?
MULDER:  Not really.
RYAN:  (flatly)  If you do, then you're gonna help us bring him in, unharmed.
DR CARTER:  Right.  Unharmed my...(looks at the Author) beep?
MULDER:  (laughs)  Why?  So he can go back to prison?  (thinks)  Hmmm, maybe I WILL help.
DR CARTER:  (shoots Mulder with a crossbow arrow, killing him)  Don't think it's really funny now, do 
you?
AUTHOR:  Ryan, this is your fault.
RYAN:  MINE!?
SPIKE:  You corrupted him.
CASSI:  Mungo?
MUNGO: ANOTHAH ONE?!
AUTHOR:  Carter did it.
MUNGO:  Then 'e can ge' 'is butt in 'ere an' bring 'im back!
DR CARTER:  (sets his crossbow down and heads for medlab, dragging Mulder)
TWENTY MINUTES LATER, BOTH CARTER AND MULDER RETURN....
***********************************************************
MULDER:  That wasn't funny.
DR CARTER:  Says you.
RYAN:  I thought it was funny.
SPIKE:  You would.
AUTHOR:  Let's continue.  Mulder, your line, and I'd get it right, if I were you.  Carter's watching.
MULDER:  (eyes Carter)  Fine....(to Ryan and his crew)  If you want help, Psychos and cop, you've come
to the wrong man.  John already got to me.
AUTHOR:  Ahem.
MULDER:  John is insane, but he didn't kill Sarah Williams.  She's right over there.  (points)
SARAH:  (waves)
JARETH:  (puts his arm around her)
MULDER:  (continues)  And you'll never find him.
RYAN:  We already did.  (points at Carter)
AUTHOR:  Ahem?
MULDER:  He's too smart.
DR CARTER:  I am?
BUFFY:  Just play along.
DR CARTER:  (grins widely)
BENTON:  Great, now he'll be completely unbearable.
DAVE:  Big time.
AUTHOR:  Script!
CASH:  Oh we're smart guys.
TANGO:  Yeah right.
CASH:  (glares at him)
RYAN:  Yeah, what about us?
MURDOC:  Last time I looked.
MACGYVER:  Didn't look very hard did you?
LIAM:  Apparently not.
RYAN:  (shoots MacGyver and Liam)
MURDOC:  I could have done that.
RYAN:  (stares at Liam's dead body and grins)  That felt great. **see?  where was that in the movie?**
MURDOC:  (pouting)  I wanted to kill MacGyver.
CASSI:  Kill him later.
BENTON:  More!?
AUTHOR:  You should have been here for Batman.
DR CARTER:  Yeah, we haven't topped that one yet.
CHRIS:  Wait...
RYAN:  What's the count so far?
STRANIX:  Twelve.
CASSI:  It'll never top Cutthroat.
AUTHOR:  No, nothing will....well maybe something..
RYAN:  Main character and Peanut Gallery deaths.  We don't count Medjai and assassins...
AUTHOR:  Well, good point.  Scott gets to kill a bunch in "Heir to the Spoof", anyway.
SCOTT:  I do?
LUKE:  You're not saying....
AUTHOR:  The Noghri?  Yeah.  They are.  Continue with this spoof.  **Sorry, they're not the raptors....
the raptors were too full from eating the SWAT team.**

--Benton and Dave cart Laim and MacGyver off to medlab--You realize this is the SECOND time Mac's 
died in this movie?--He was driving the bus--

RYAN:  Yeah, we're smart.  Really.  I mean how smart could he be?  Is he as smart as you?
MULDER:  (glances over at Carter who waves the crossbow)  He's smarter.
SCULLY:  Not that it's hard.
MULDER:  (glares)
CREEPY:  (runs through, shouting)  The monsters are coming!!!!!The monsters are coming!!!!(dashes
offset)
CASSI:  Well, that made sense.
AUTHOR:  Again with the monsters.
CHRIS:  What monsters?
AUTHOR:  Not a clue.
IMHOTEP:  You shouldn't worry about it.  **are we getting the idea he has something to do with this?**
CASSI:  Now, I'm beginning to worry.
AUTHOR:  Yes indeed.
GLORY:  Don't.  It's not that bad.
CASSI:  What isn't?
IMHOTEP:  Wait and see.
AUTHOR:  Sounds good to me.  Let's continue.
CHRIS:  The scene ended.
CASSI:  Finally.
STRANIX:  These scenes just get longer and longer.
AUTHOR:  Alright, next scene.
DR CARTER:  (gets his picture taken in a photo booth)
CHRIS:  Switch to Ryan and Murdoc.....and a doctor....
MURDOC:  What doctor?
AUTHOR:  Benton, get in here!
BENTON:  Why?
AUTHOR:  We need a doctor.  (hands him a script)
RYAN:  (to Benton)  How long have you known John Carter?
BENTON:  For eight years.  He was my med-student.  One of the best I ever had.
CASSI:  Boy, we can sure tell Carter is now Resident Cheif.
DR CARTER:  I had a good teacher.
WOLVIE:  (gags)
PHYRO:  (runs in)  MONSTERS ARE EVERYWHERE!!!!RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
(exits)
CASSI:  Ehhhh........
AUTHOR:  Let's continue.
MURDOC:  (to Benton)  What kind of medicine did he practice here?
BENTON:  He's worked in the ER from the start.
AUTHOR:  Scene change.  We have various shots of Chicago....Carter on the El train, and Cash and 
Ardeth driving around...
CHRIS:  Go to Scully's lab.  Ryan is off to the side, messing with the leg-irons while Storm questions
Scully.
SCULLY:  First of all, I want you to know that I believe Dr. Carter to be innocent.
RYAN: Everyone does.
STORM:  Would he come to you for help?
SCULLY:  Doubtful, he barely knows me.
AUTHOR:  Scully?  Remember Batman?  It can happen again.
RYAN:  (holds up a spray bottle with green liquid in it and grins)  If you gotta go, go with a smile!
SCULLY:  (backs away)  If he came to me, I would help him, but he won't come to me.  That's not his
style.
AUTHOR:  Alright, we'll skip through Carter looking through files....switch to when Ryan and Murdoc
go to the house to investigate.
MURDOC:  (points to the stairs)  This is where the guy with one arm struggled and fell down the stairs.
(pause)  A man with two arms could fall down these stairs.  If I fell down these stairs, I'd be a goner.  I'd 
be dead.
MACGYVER:  Right sure.  If it were that easy to kill you, you'd be dead already, but we're not that 
fortunate.
AUTHOR:  Switch to Carter making a fake ID.
DR CARTER:  (grinning)  This is fun.
AUTHOR:  (shakes her head)  Switch back to Murdoc and Ryan at the house.
MURDOC:  (looking around the house)  What a waste.
KIMBLE:  I agree.
AUTHOR:  Alright, we quit for now!
STRANIX:  Breaktime!! 

ONE DAY LATER
*******************
SPIKE:  That was a long break.
AUTHOR:  (doesn't reply)
CHRIS:  Hey, Sven, you seem out of it.  You okay?
AUTHOR:  (nods)  Yeah, I'm great.  (smiles)
DR CARTER:  When are we gonna start?
CASSI:  Anxious, aren't you?
DR CARTER:  I'm starting to have some fun.
AUTHOR:  Fun is good.  No killing would be better.
RYAN:  (Wolvie pout)
AUTHOR:  Let's continue.

--Carter has fallen asleep with a book across his chest....--

AUTHOR:  Skip the dream.  Carter is awakened when tires squeal.  Cop cars pull up on all sides of the 
house--
DR CARTER:  (looks out the window, panicked)

--The X-Men and a few others bust into the house, yelling "Police!"--

LOGAN:  Where is he?
WOLVIE:  Who?
AUTHOR:  Quiet.

--The "Cops" are in the upper portion of the duplex.  They don't bother Carter's basement flat--Doug 
Ross and Luka Kovac run out the back o the house.  Luke and Scott are holding their lightsabers out
to block the escape--

KOVAC:  This is so not right.
HAN & LOGAN:  (holding blasters, appear behind them)
HAN: Freeze!  (pause)  Where do you think you're going?
KOVAC:  Running away from the refugees of Star Wars?
DOUG:  I second that.
CASSI:  Hey, I think  it's pretty cool.
BUFFY:  Yeah, now all they need is Spike and Lando.
SPIKE:  Don't forget you and Liea, pet.
BUFFY:  (rolls her eyes)
AUTHOR:  Can we continue?
CHRIS:  Let's do that.
LOGAN:  (cuffs them)  It's over!
DOUG:  Watch it!  You're hurting my wrists!
CAROL:  (with exagerated drama)  Oh no!!!  Not my husband!!!
SCOTT:  (to Doug)  You like stringing out 12 year old girls, do you?
DOUG:  Not really.  I'm a good doctor.
LUKE:  Sure.
CAROL:  Not my husband!  NOOOOO!!! (fighting back laughter)

--Han and Luke hold her back as Logan and Scott make the two doctors get in the police car--

CAROL:  (shouting)  You'll be hearing from my LAWYERS!!!
LUKE:  I'm a Jedi master, lady.  I don't go to court.
CAROL:  Oh great.  My husband and another ER doctor have been kidnapped by mutants and aliens.
SCULLY:  HEY MULDER!!! WE GOT AN X-FILE FOR YOU!!!
MULDER:  Not funny.
CASSI:  This is quite amusing....and I actually hated this movie before.
AUTHOR:  Yep, now let's continue.

--The "Cops" exit with their....eh..."drugdealers"--Carter watches them and sighs with relief.--

CHRIS:  End scene.  Next scene, hospital!

COOK COUNTY HOSPITAL
*************************
--Carter walks over to the ER entrance--In the Prosthetics area, Penny Parker sits, painting the fingers of 
a fake hand....while listening to her walkman--Carter knocks on the door, and Penny opens it for him--

PENNY:  Hi.
DR CARTER:  (comes in with cleaning equipment)  Hi.  I've come to do those blinds.
PENNY:  I didn't know they were dirty.
DR CARTER:  I have to clean them, whether thy're dirty or not.
PENNY:  Isn't that pointless?
DR CARTER:  (flatly)  It's in the script.
PENNY:  Right.  Come on in.  I'll get the door.

--Carter rolls his cart into an enclosed office that has blinds on the windows--

DR CARTER:  I'll start in here.
PENNY:  Is it really my business?  I'm not your boss.  
DR CARTER:  And I'm very thankful for that.
PENNY:  (glares)
DR CARTER:  (closes the door and the blinds)
PENNY:  (angrily puts her headphones back on and turns the volume up and turns her back to the room)
DR CARTER:  (pulls a folder out from his shirt and goes the the computer)
PENNY:  (ignores the room, entirely)

--Dr Carter types into a computer, searching for the one-armed man.  His first search comes up 112.--

DR CARTER:  This is really boring.  Do you think there's some games on this thing I could play?
AUTHOR:  Carter, if you keep this up, I'll cast you in another role in another spoof, after this one!
DR CARTER:  Let's see, what was I searching for?  Oh right. (types in the information, and searches more,
this time ending up with 21 matches, types in more and gets 5--he smiles and prints the names)
PENNY:  (doesn't notice, as the walkman is up to full volume)
DR CARTER:  (folds the paper and puts it in his pocket)
CHRIS:  End scene.  Now to the Police Station.  Spike and Angelus are there.  Doug is seated in front of
them and Scott is.....handing out cheese burgers.
CASSI:  HEY!  Share the wealth!
SCOTT:  (hands her one)  You look like you're starving.
CASSI:  (glares, but takes the cheese burger, because lets face it-she's not stupid)
SPIKE:  Alright, Dr. Doug.  Let's go over it one more time.  What time did he arrive at the house?
DOUG:  About 10:30 in the morning.
DR CARTER:  Traitor.
DOUG:  Sorry Carter.  I'm not gonna lie to a vampire.
DR CARTER:  Wuss.
DOUG:  No, I'm not.  I just believe in self preservation.
SPIKE:  (to Doug)  And he was alone?
DOUG:  Yeah, he was alone.
DR CARTER:  Oh yeah, tell all, why don't you?
MURDOC:  Hey Carter!
DR CARTER:  What?
MURDOC:  They got the money!  Where should I have them drop it off?
DR CARTER:  (walks over to Murdoc and whispers something to him)
MURDOC:  (grins and exits with Dr. Carter)
DOUG:  What just happened?
AUTHOR:  None of your business.  Just act!
SPIKE:  (to Doug)  And you got a good look at him?
DOUG:  I used to work with him.
AUTHOR:  Ahem.
DOUG:  Yeah, I got a good look.
ANGELUS:  You'd better be straight with me, kid.
DOUG:  I'm not a kid.
ANGELUS:  I'm over 200 years old.  You are a kid compared to me.
DOUG:  Right.  Got it.
ANGELUS:  Now you mean to tell me that this guy (waves the mugshot)  Is staying in your wife's 
basement?
DOUG:  That's what I'm telling you.
STRANIX:  End scene.
AUTHOR:  Carter, get up here!  You're up!
DR CARTER:  (reenters)  Got it.

--The ER is busy with lots of noise and people..you know, normal....anyway, Sarah Harding is running 
around, checking patients--

HARDING:  You know I'm a Paleontologist, not a doctor, right?
AUTHOR:  You look like the lady, now shut up and act.
HARDING:  (groans)  Is she stable?
JERRY:  (helping)  Can we get a doctor over here?
DR CARTER:  (walks through, looking concerned)
JERRY:  (trips him)
DR CARTER:  HEY!  
JERRY:  (smirks)  Now we're even.
DR CARTER:  (glares)
HARDING:  Watch the bag!!
WOLVIE:  What bag?
HARDING:  How would I know?  I'm just reading the script!
MALCOM:  This seems pointless.
AUTHOR: Script!

--Carter stops.  There are cops all around the exit.  He has stopped next to a gurney.  Magneato is laying
on it.--

MAGNEATO:  (softly)  Monsters....monsters everywhere.......
DR CARTER:  (stares at him)

DR CARTER'S APARTMENT
*************************
--There is a large neon sign above the door--it reads, "Temporary home of Dr. John Carter!!!  Escaped
Murderer!!"--

RYAN:  (stares)
GERARD:  Where did that come from?
WAGNER & LOGAN:  (bamf in, grin, bow and bamf out)
CAROL:  (stading  at the doorway, staring)
CASSI:  Interesting.  Those neon signs turn up in the wierdest places.
LUKE:  I was thinking the same thing.
HAN:  Kind of like "Cutthroat."  **neon sign, pointing the way to the treasure**
RYAN & BILLY:  (enter the apartment)

BACK TO THE ER
*******************
--The place is still a madhouse....as usual.  Carter is still standing next to Magneato's gurney--Jubilee
rollerblades past and drops the X-rays on Magneato's chest, then she skates off--

MAGNEATO:  It hurts.
HARDING:  (to Dr. Dave)  Will you check the film on that kid?
DAVE:  (runs over, checks Magneato, listening to his heart)
DR CARTER:  (under his breath)  Check the film.
DAVE:  (to Carter)  Are you telling me how to do my job?
MAGNEATO:  (painfully)  It hurts!!!
DR CARTER:  Just check the film!
DAVE:  Why?
LEIA:  Because it's in the script.
DAVE:  (checks the film)
HARDING:  Dave, what's the status on that kid?
DAVE:  Possible fractured sternum, he's stable.
DR CARTER:  Script says he's not.
DAVE:  Yeah, but it also says you do something about it, not me.
DR CARTER:  (punches Dave)
DAVE:  (tackles Carter)
GERARD:  Uhh....
KIMBLE:  I don't remember a fistifight there.

--Suddenly, several large rats come running through--

HARDING:  (shrieks)
MACAVITY:  Oops.
AUTHOR:  Macavity, get your henchrats off my set before Pounce eats them!
POUNCE:  RATS!!! BOINGY!!!!

--The rats scurry away with Pounce jumping after them--Meanwhile, Carter and Dave are STILL  fighting-

MAGNEATO:  (louder)  IT STILL HURTS!!!! WAAAAHHHH!!!
DR CARTER:  (Looks up and recieves a punch in the nose)  OWW!!
DAVE:  Got you!
AUTHOR:  Break it up!
ANGELUS:  (runs in and grabs Dave)
SPIKE:  (grabs Dr. Carter)
AUTHOR:  Thankyou, vamp-Detectives.
SPIKE:  No problem.
AUTHOR:  Now....SCRIPT!!!
HARDING:  (to Carter)  Could you bring this kid down to Observation room two?
DR CARTER:  (holding a towel to his bleeding nose)  Me?
HARDING:  Yeah, you.  Come on and help us out, okay?
DR CARTER:  (nods and starts pushing the gurney and speaks to Magneato)  Hey there, Mags.  How
are you feeling?
MAGNEATO:  (moaning)  My chest hurts.
CASSI:  Magneato's good.
DR CARTER:  Yeah?   Does it hurt when you breath?  (pauses to check out the film)
HARDING:  (looks up to see him and stares)
DR CARTER:  (to Magneato)  Are you okay with me calling you Mags?
MAGNEATO:  Yeah.  (moaning)  It hurts!!!!

DR CARTER'S APARTMENT
**************************
--Ryan and Billy are sifting through the contents of a large coffee can that Carter had on the table--

RYAN:  Oh look at this.  We're eating oranges and we're making ID's.
BILLY:  CCH?  What the (looks at the Author)  beep is that?
RYAN:  (glances at it)  Cook County Hospital.  (laughs)  He went to his own hospital.

COOK COUNTY HOSPITAL
****************************
DR CARTER:  (to Magneato, still on the gurney) You just hang on, okay?
MAGNEATO:  (groaning in pain)  It hurts.....(pause)  The monsters are coming....
CASSI: And again with the monsters.
AUTHOR:  Well, at least we found another X-Baby.
DR CARTER:  (to Magneato)  You're gonna be okay.  (heads for the elevator)  Hold that elevator!!!

--They enter the elevator and Carter checks Magneato over--

DR CARTER:  How you doing, kiddo?
MAGNEATO:  (moans again)  My chest hurts...
DR CARTER:  Where's your friends?
MAGNEATO:  I don't know.
DR CARTER:  Did the monsters get them?
MAGNEATO:  I don't think so.
DR CARTER:  (marks out the stuff on Magneato's chart and changes it, then he signs an unreadable 
signature)  You don't have to worry.  We'll find them for you.  What are you, a bad mutant, or a good 
mutant? 
MAGNEATO:  Bad.  (groans)  Ohhhh, my chest hurts...
DR CARTER:  Hold on, son.

--They arrive at the surgery floor and Carter pushes him to surgery--

DR CARTER:  Hey doctor!
CORDAY:  I have a name, John, you can use it.
XANDER:  Hey, another British like Giles and Spike!
CORDAY:  (gives Xander a flat look)  
XANDER:  And I'm shutting up now.
DR CARTER:  (hands her the chart)  They sent this one up from downstairs.
CORDAY:  (reads the chart, then yells to Benton)  Peter!  Get this one to room four, STAT!
DR CARTER:  Bye bye, Mags!  (turns to leave)
AUTHOR:  Someone get that kid an Oscar!
MAGNEATO:  (jumps off the gurney and takes his Oscar before running offset)
DR CARTER:  Okay, now that really made a lot of sense.

--Downstairs, Sarah Harding is looking for Magneato.--

WOLVIE:  I'm bored.  I wanna see the monsters.
DRCARTER:  What if there aren't any?
WOLVIE:  (starts crying)  WAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!
CASSI:  Quiet, Carter.  You're upsetting Wolvie.
DR CARTER:  I'm never having kids.
AUTHOR:  Can we continue?
DR CARTER:  (grumbleing under his breath)  Fine.
AUTHOR:  Sarah?
HARDING:  (sighs)  I hate this place.  (approaches Abby Lockheart seated at a desk)  Abby?  Where's 
the boy I sent down with the janitor?
ABBY:  (snickers)  What boy?
HARDING:  The one with the ridiculous cape and oversized bucket on his head.
ABBY:  He never came through here.
HARDING:  He didn't?
ABBY:  I think I would remember seeing someone who looked like that.
DR CARTER:  (hurries past)
HARDING:  (runs after him)  HEY!
DR CARTER:  (slows, but doesn't stop)
HARDING:  You have a particular intrest in our patient's X-Rays?
DR CARTER:  You're a Paleontologist.  What do you care about patient's X-Rays?
HARDING:  Well, in this, I'm a doctor.  Now I want some answers.
DR CARTER:  What do you mean?
HARDING:  Doctor as in degree, and answers like what people give when asked a question.
DR CARTER:  Really?!  Thankyou for explaining that.  I didn't know what they were.
AUTHOR:  I give up.  (sits down and massages her forehead)
SPIKE:  (sits down next to her)  You look like you need a vaction.
AUTHOR:  Spike, please keep your assumptions to yourself.  Cuz, at this point, I don't want them.
SPIKE:  (offended)  Well, I was being nice.
CASSI:  Spike, she's sick and doesn't feel well.  Misery loves company and all.
SPIKE:  Oh...okay.  (holds up his flask)  Want something to drown out your ills?
AUTHOR:  (covers her mouth and runs for the bathroom)  **which tell us never ever direct spoofs with 
the stomach flu**
SPIKE:  (shrugs and drinks from the flask)  Her loss.
CHRIS:  (gives Spike a brainduster)  You are NOT supposed to make the Author sick!
AUTHOR:  It's alright, Chris.  I feel better now.
CHRIS:  Are you sure you don't want to quit?
AUTHOR:  Nah, maybe I'll give it to everyone on set.
SPIKE:  (shrugs)  I'm dead, so it doesn't matter to me.
CASSI:  (to the Author)  We should let him read that story you're playing around with.
AUTHOR:  Nah, don't want to freak him out.  Now let's continue.  Carter, Sarah get it right, or I'll let Spike
here have you for lunch.
SPIKE:  Ey!  Sounds great!
BUFFY:  (glares at Spike)
SPIKE:  Uh....then again, better let Angelus have them.
AUTHOR:  (rolls her eyes)  Don't matter to me, just get started....and GET IT RIGHT!!!
HARDING:  I saw you looking at that boy's film.
DR CARTER:  Well, it's a hobby of mine, that I like to call my job.
HARDING:  A hobby?  Really?  What are your other hobbies?  Brain surgery?
DR CARTER:  Sometimes.
BENTON:  Since when?  You decided not to stay in surgery.  Remember?
DR CARTER:  (to both Sarah and Benton)  What do you want?
HARDING:  I want to know how that X-Baby winded up in surgery.
MAGNEATO:  I did NOT!  (pauses a second)  THE MONSTERS ARE COMING!!!!
DR CARTER:  I'm an ER doctor. I do.--
SPIKE:  You know, Author, I might accidentally take you up on that offer of lunch.
DR CARTER:  (glares at Spike and the Author, who grin)  Right.  Look lady, I'm a janitor.  I do what I'm 
told.
HARDING:  That's bull!  (moves in fornt of him and stops him from walking)  Who changed those orders?
DR CARTER:  I don't know what you mean.
HARDING:  You stay right there.  (grabs his ID badge)
RYAN:  Like he's really gonna stay there.
CASSI:  Well, nobody else on this set knows the meaning of "STAY THERE"  Why should he?
SPIKE:  I'd bail.
XANDER:  Why doesn't that surprise us?
SPIKE:  Oh sod off.  You'd run, too.  Just like Buffy ran from the cops a few years ago.
BUFFY:  He has a point, Xander.
XANDER:  Yeah, and it's scaring me.  Spike making sense to me is like bunnies to Anya.
ANYA:  Bunnies are evil.
CASSI:  (pats her on the shoulder)  Yeah, we know...(turns away toward her own assistants and mouths
one word)  Wacko.
ASST NILES & JOHN:  (nod in agreement)
HARDING:  (approaches the desk)  Jerry, call security!  
JERRY:  Hospital or spoofset?
DRCARTER:  And on that thought, I'm running.  (he bolts)
HARDING:  (shouting at Carter)  HEY!!!!  HEY!!!(loses sight of him)

--Carter exits the building by the ER exit, just as Ryan pulls up out front with Billy Colton--

STRANIX: End scene.
CHRIS:  Next morning.

--Storm is trying to dictate to Ardeth, who is supposed to be on the phone, but is instead, leaning against
the wall with a set of crutches next to him.  He is dressed like Ian Malcom from "Jurassic Park", and his
leg is bandaged from his run in with Ralph's wife in "Jurassic Spoof".....he is also high as a kite on 
morphine--

STORM:  Hello?  Ardeth?  Are you there?
ARDETH:  (staring off into space)  Look at all the people.  (waves his hand and stares at it)  Wooow...
STORM:  (to the Author)  What do I do?
AUTHOR:  Just say your lines and forget Ardeth.
STORM:  Tell Stevens to get ahold of that guy, Spike at CPD.  We're gonna need some help.
SPIKE:  I heard you.

--In another area, Ryan is talking with Sarah Harding--

RYAN:  (waving Carter's fake badge)  So a guy comes in here, dressed as a janitor, orders an emergency
medical proceedure, and the onlt thing you can do is take away his ID card?
SPIKE:  That hospital needs better doctors.
HARDING:  No, I called security and he took off.  What was I suppoed to do, tackle him? (pauses)  uhh..
listen, Mr.......
RYAN:  Deputy......Gaerity.
HARDING:  (nods)  I'm really tired.
AUTHOR:  So am I!  Live with it!
SPIKE:  Be nice, Author.
AUTHOR:  Quiet.  I can still make you Spike-bot again.
SPIKE:  I'm quiet.
CHRIS:  Script!
HARDING:  I'd like to go home now.
RYAN:  Okay, how's the boy doing?
HARDING:  He's insane and he got an Oscar.
MAGNEATO:  (bows and waves the Oscar)  Lookiee what I got!
RYAN:  (rolls his eyes)  Thankyou.
HARDING:  (nods and walks off)
RYAN:  (pulls off the top coat of lamination from the card)  Desmando Jose Ruiz!  Where are you, 
Desmondo?
MURDOC:  (enters)  Alright, Ryan.  This is my problem.  Aside of listening to the Author complain she's
sick...
AUTHOR:  (glares)  Sic 'im, Spike.
SPIKE:  I am NOT a dog.
AUTHOR:  (shrugs)  You got a dog's name.
SPIKE:  (glares)
CASSI:  We could always call him Will, Sven.
AUTHOR:  Yeah, we could.
CHRIS: Let's continue.
MURDOC:  What I can't figure is the place s crawling with cops, right?
RYAN:  Right, but I don't think they're crawling.
MURDOC:  (frowns)  And everyone is looking for John Carter, right?  So why would a guy be stupid 
enough to hang out in a trauma ward, acting like he's Mother Teresa?
DR CARTER:  I'm not stupid.

--A vampire with is arm missing runs past, with Buffy on his tail--

AUTHOR:  Buffy!  WAIT!
BUFFY:  What?!
AUTHOR:  Stake him when he's done acting!
BUFFY:  (shrugs and backs off)
VAMPIRE:  (shoots a nervous look after her)
RYAN:  (stares at the vampire)
MURDOC:  (also staring)
VAMPIRE:  (looks even more nervous)
RYAN:  (laughs)

--They proceed to follow the very nervous vampire into the Prosthetics lab--

VAMPIRE:  Please don't kill me.
SPIKE:  (glares at the vampire)  We're not that nice.
AUTHOR:  Script!
VAMPIRE:  You guys have a problem?
RYAN:  No.
MURDOC:  No no no.  No problem at all.

--As they enter, Buffy is seated at the desk....and of course she stakes the vampire--**Okay, as a point
of fact, let's just say that for the record...Newman was NOT in the Prosthetics lab at any time during the
questioning....I'm not even sure he was even in the hospital then, but you know us.  Anything to make a
scene**

RYAN:  (shows her his badge)  Excuse me, Miss Slayer.  Could we have a word with you, please?
BUFFY:  You're not mad at me for staking that vamp, are you?
RYAN:  Not at all.

--SWITCH TO CARTER ON A PAYPHONE--

DR CARTER:  Hello, this is Dr. Carter at Cook County Hospital.  I'm doing a follow up on a Jeffery 
Peterson...(pause)  Oh he did.  The Slayer, huh?  It figures.  I'm terribly sorry.
BUFFY:  Huh?
DR CARTER:  You just staked him.
BUFFY:  (shrugs)  Oops?

--BACK TO THE CLINIC--

RYAN:  Right or left?  (cleaning his gun)

--Ardeth is sitting on a table with his leg propped up....he is pointing at spots on the ceiling--

STORM:  (on the computer)  Right.
RYAN:  Age?  (checks the sights on his gun)

--Ardeth starts playing with his gun...he fires a shot into the ceiling--

STORM:  35-45.

--BACK TO CARTER ON THE PHONE--

DR CARTER:  Um, this is John Carter--
CASSI:  He's really hiding out, huh?  I don't remember him giving his real name in the phone messages.
DR CARTER:  (continues)  With the highschool reunion committee.  25 years is right around the corner, 
and uh...wait a minute.  I'm looking for a white male.  How come this guy's black?
AUTHOR:  (shrugs)  I never figured that one out. The guy's black in the movie and the book and in the 
book he searched for a white male in the computer.  Completely confused me.  Just continue.
DR CARTER:  (shrugs)  And anyway Bishop is on our list of missing in action..
SCOTT:  The fact that he comes from the future wouldn't be the reason for that, would it?
DR CARTER:  Oh, no kidding?  Armed robbery?  (pause)  That'll really make the X-Men look bad.  (pause)
He's where?

--BACK TO RYAN'S GROUP--

RYAN:  Point of attachment?  (sharpening a large knife)
STORM:  Mid humerous.  That gives us 47 possibilities.

--In the backround, Cash is waving a fake arm over Ardeth, who is batting at it with his gun, which is 
upside-down--

RYAN:  Gabe, cross-check these people for criminal records.
CASH:  Wait a minute.

--Ardeth snatches the arm away from Cash and hits him with it--

CASH:  OW!
CASSI:  Ardeth's out of it.
DR CARTER:  I gave him a pretty good dose of morphine.
CASH:  So we noticed.
WOLVIE:  I want some.
AUTHOR:  Nope, sorry.  You don't need any.
WOLVIE:  WAAAAAHHHH!!!!
AUTHOR:  (holds her head)  No CRY!!!  BAD!!!!  Hurts my HEAD!!
CASSI:  Ehh, Sven.  Do you wanna take a break?
AUTHOR:  No, I wanna nap.  (snaps her fingers and a pillow and blanket appears....she curls up and goes
to sleep)
CHRIS:  Okay, I guess that means it's break time.
CASSI:  How does she sleep like that?!  Oh never mind...she's got great drugs.
SPIKE:  Yeh, but how's she asleep that fast?
CASSI:  (shrugs)  Not a clue.  She does it all the time.
DR CARTER:  Author's wierd.  It's daytime.
CASSI:  She works nights.
DR CARTER:  Oh....
CASSI:  And I said she's on medication.  It's great stuff.  Knockout stuff.
DR CARTER:  Right, got it.

SEVERAL DAYS LATER
*********************
**At this time, we'd like to say that "Spy VS Spy" does not belong to us.....although the Jawa "Dink-
Dinks" do....they are not the same ones from Spaceballs.  We made these ones up. ^_^** 
******************************************************************************
CASSI:  Feel better, Sven?
AUTHOR:  (moaning)  No.
CHRIS: Let's continue.

CHICAGO, ST PATRICKS DAY
*****************************
--We see a Jawa dressed all in black, wearing a  black spy hat, riding on a speeder boat in the green river--
Another Jawa dressed all in white, whit a white spy hat on, is watching him through a pair of oversized 
binoculars from the parade--  Carter crosses a street and walks into the police station.  He gets into an
elevator and is joined by about eight X-Men, dressed as cops.--

GERARD:  Now that is just sick.
COSMO:  I can't believe they were in an elevator with him.
KIMBLE:  I guess I was lucky the police were morons.
BIGGS:  I wanna know where the Jawa spies came from.
CASSI:  Author's sick sense of humor.  Aren't you used to it by now?
AUTHOR:  (moaning)  Feel bad!!!  Sick ....very sick....Maybe should sleep more.
SPIKE:  Bad idea, luv.  We'll never finish if you do that.
AUTHOR:  (shoots Spike with another dart, hitting him just above the heart)  Leave 'lone.
SPIKE:  (stares)  When you start using wooden darts, I think I'll worry.
CASSI:  (snickers)  Actually, if you'd seen the dartboard, you'd be worried anyway.
SPIKE:  (cautiously)  Why?
CASSI:  I saw Sven throw about twelve darts and not miss you once.
SPIKE:  Twelve!?  Wait, I'm on your dart board?!  I'm hurt, luv, really.  (makes puppy eyes)
CASSI:  (makes a face)  Ehhh....
AUTHOR:  Give it up, Spike.  While you look cute like that, I have seven cats, one ferret, and a dog who 
all have tried the same thing.  I'm immune to it.
CASSI:  Maybe we should take him off......Nah, he's fun to aim at.  (grins)
SPIKE:  Oh great.  **CASSI:  (grins wider)  We also hit him in the nuts a lot!! ^_^**
AUTHOR:  By the way, Cas.  It was more like twenty.
BUFFY:  I'm starting to like these Authors.
CASSI:  Is this a good time to mention we totally slaughtered a picture of you and Spike together?
AUTHOR: Only cuz it was behind the one of the ER crew.
DR CARTER:  WHAT!?  You aimed at ME?! 
AUTHOR:  No!  (pauses with a guilty look)  It wasn't my fault I kept hitting you.
CASSI:  Right.  You creamed him on the first shot.
AUTHOR:  Ehhh...Let's just continue.

--Ryan, Cash, and Billy enter the police building--

CASH:  (reads the file)  Bishop.  X-Man from a really bad future, absorbs energy and shoots it back out.
AUTHOR:  Script, not real.
CASH:  Sorry.  It seemed wierd.  Bishop.  One-armed man, armed robbery....that's funny.
ARDETH:  (from the Peanut Gallery) Funny!!!  Weeee!!!!
AUTHOR:  That is so unfair.
GERARD:  What is?
AUTHOR:  Morphine doesn't work on me.  **No lie really.  It's a family thing with painkillers.  Sucks huh?
DR CARTER:  Oh you poor soul.
AUTHOR:  (pulls out a pill bottle and swallows a pill)  But Lortab does.
DR CARTER:  That's a start.
AUTHOR:  Now  script.

--The trio shows their spoof badges as they pass the metal detector--Behind them, the Black spy Jawa
shows an ID and enters.  White spy Jawa takes pictures from the doorway--

CASH:  Let me ask you a question.

--Upstairs, Carter gets out of the elevator--Back at Ryan's group, the Spy Jawas have vanished--

CASH:  If they can dye this river green today, why can't they dye it blue the other 364 days of the year?
CASSI:  Good question.
KNIGHT:  Yeah, except that water isn't blue, it's clear.  It's the sky that makes it look blue.
CASH:  Okay, thanks for the History lesson.
KNIGHT:  Science.
CASH:  Whatever.  The water's blue in the pools in LA.
KNIGHT:  Chemicals.
AUTHOR:  Can we talk about something aside of the water before I puke?  (looks at Spike) Again?
SPIKE:  I didn't mean to make you sick.
AUTHOR:  Too bad dinosaurs won't eat vampires.
STEVE:  I might.  (smells Spike and gasps)  Ugh, no thanks..He's past his expiration date.  (sniffs Angelus,
covers his mouth and runs for the bathroom)
CASSI:  Ummm...
ANYA:  I guess the dinos don't like dead things.
STEVE:  (returns)  Oh we like dead things.  Just not things THAT dead.
ANGELUS:  Very funny.
CASSI:  Well, you have been dead for over 200 years, so I have to sympathize with Steve.
SPIKE:  At least Peaches is worse than me.
BUFFY:  You know this is actually amusing.
XANDER:  Um, I hate to say this, but if the dinos won't eat vamps, I'd rather be a vamp.
ANYA:  XANDER!
GILES:  Xander, you need a vacation.
LANDO:  I agree with Xander.  Can someone change me now?
STEVE:  Hey, I'll eat newly dead things.
SPIKE:  Uh, then you might become a vampire, and that might be scary.
CASSI:  A vampire velociraptor.  Sounds like the theme to a bad horror movie.
BUFFY:  Knowing my life, he'd show up in Sunnydale.
SPIKE:  Vampire-raptor, ey?  You know, Buffy.  I don't love you that much.  I'm taking up acting and 
leaving Sunnydale for good.
AUTHOR:  (whispers something into Spike's ear)  
SPIKE:  Ehhh, on second thought, I've changed my mind.
BUFFY:  Huh?
AUTHOR:  Don't ask, you'll find out next season.  **She only told him he'll kiss her in the next season.
She didn't say anything about all the (ahem) other stuff they did.**
CASSI:  Okay, I get the point.
BUFFY:  What point?
SPIKE:  You'll find out, pet.
AUTHOR:  Can we continue?
CASH:  Where were we?
CASSI:  Something about a green river.
CHRIS:  Ryan, your line.
RYAN:  Cash, do I know?
CASH:  Doubltful.  You're not even from this country.
BILLY:  (to Ryan)  So, what are you, Irish, there, sir?
RYAN:  (in a deep Irish accent)  Who me?  No no.  (pause)  Are you?  **No, we did not plan this one....
it just sorta happened.  We didn't even think about Ryan's being Irish.**
CASSI:  You know, that would have been much more convincing without the accent.
RYAN:  Canna help et?  It's not my fault I'm Irish, and he's not. (points at Gerard)

--Back to Carter, who walks into the police visiting area, keeping a watchful eye on the cops--

LUKE:  You know, that makes him look very conspicuous.
DR CARTER:  Mind your own business.  The script says I don't get caught.
CASSI:  So let's get moving.  I'm bored.
CHRIS:  Good idea.  Leia, you're up.
LEIA:  (to Carter)  Name of inmate.
DR CARTER:  Bishop.
LEIA:  (shouting )  Bishop! 2-0-1-0!  (to Carter)  ID please?
DR CARTER:  (hands Leia his spoof ID card....which we might add has his REAL name on it)
LEIA:  Be advised that under New Republic ruling, your conversation can be recorded.  (points at the 
page)  Sign here please.
DR CARTER:  (signs his real name) **don't ask**

--Back at Ryan's group, who are still waiting for the elevator.  Ryan is pacing and checking his watch--

LANGLY:  (nervous)  Why is he checking his watch?  He's not blowing up the police station, is he?
AUTHOR:  No, he's supposed to check his watch.  It's in the script.
LANGLY:  (sighs, relieved)
CASH:  This is hinky.
ARDETH:  Stupid word.  **might we add Newman was NOT in this scene**
FIDDLES:  Yes it is, it's a very stupid word!!! Stupid stupid stupid!!
ARDETH:  (singsong voice)  Stupid stupid stupid!!!
GERARD:  I have to agree with that one.
AUTHOR:  SCRIPT!
CASH:  This guy is a college graduate.  He went to medschool.  He's not going to come through all this
security.  Go into county lock-up to find someone his own people say doesn't exist.  Hinky.
RYAN:  (annoyed)  Well, what does that mean, Cash?  Hinky!?
CASSI:  It sounds stupid.
ARDETH:  (begins, once again, to chant the word "Stupid")

--The black spy Jawa exits the building with a bulky package--

AUTHOR:  Can we continue?

--The White Spy Jawa sneaks out behind the Black one--

CHRIS:  Yes, can we?
STRANIX:  We'd better!  Script!
CASH:  I don't know.  Strange.
BILLY:  Wierd.
RYAN:  Well, why don't you say strange or wierd?  Hinky, that has no meanin!
ARDETH:  Stupidstupidstupid.....
FIDDLES:  Very stupid.  yup yup, it is stupid.
CASH:  (glaring)  Well, we say hinky.
RYAN:  (shoots Cash an annoyed look)  I don't want you using words around me that got no meanin.  I'm
takin' the stairs and walkin'.
CASH:  Bullshit!  How about Bullshit, Ryan!?
CASSI:  You just gotta have the last word, huh?
CASH:  It's in the script.
AUTHOR:  So?  you're still talking, so you're still trying to get it.
CASH:  I....(trails off)
AUTHOR:  Now back to the script!

--Ryan starts up the stairs--And we go back to Carter--

HAN:  (yelling)  Visitor for Bishop!
DR CARTER:  Why am I bothering?  I know it's not him!
BISHOP:  He's got a point.
AUTHOR:  Fine.  Go to the stairs opposite of the ones Ryan's taking.  Carter reaches a landing and starts
down more stairs.  Ryan stops and glances in Carter's direction.  He walks across and looks down to see
Carter.
RYAN:  (yelling)  CARTER!
DR CARTER:  (looks up)

--Their gazes meet for a brief second before Carter takes off down the stairs.  Ryan chases after him.  
Carter gets out on a hallway and runs down it.  He takes the stairs on the opposite side.  Ryan notices
Carter is gone, pulls out his script and reads it, swears in Gealic, then continues down the stairs.  Both
Ryan and Carter arrive at the bottom floor at the same time.  Carter races off, with Ryan not far behind 
him.  Carter rounds a corner, and calls out to Scott.--

DR CARTER:  Officer, there's an insane man in a blue topcoat, waving a gun and screaming something
about a bomb.
CASSI:  I likes the improvement.
DR CARTER:  (dashes toward the exit)

--Scott, Luke and Han attempt to stop Ryan--

RYAN:  (yelling)  Let go of me or I'll spray you with Smylex!

--The "Cops", who are smart to a degree, kindly release the Psycho--

RYAN:  (yelling)  CLOSE THE DOOR!!! LOCK IT DOWN!

--A loud buzzer goes off over the door and Carter dives for it, just making it through.  His foot is stuck--
Ryan fires once at Carter, but the bullet does not go through the glass--

CASH:  The glass is bulletproof!  GO FOR THE FOOT!!!!
RYAN:  (shoots Carter in the foot)
DR CARTER:  (yanks his foot through the door and swears in pain)
BIGGS:  Ohhh, that had to hurt.
CASSI:  Well, at least he HIT the guy!
GERARD:  Believe me, I felt like kicking myself for NOT shooting him in the foot.  **this is in the book**
KIMBLE:  Well, I'm glad you didn't.
JANEWAY:  (still as a cat)  Can I be changed back now?
AUTHOR:  Yeah, sure.  (snaps her fingers and Janeway is changed back)

--She returns to the Peanut Gallery where Chakotay puts an arm around her.  She does not object--
**This was put in here for the benifit of our sister, Kristi.  As The Author wouldn't know Voyager from
a hole in the wall.  I (Cassi) watch it once in a while, but Janeway and Chakotay are Kristi's thing. So
Kristi (in the words if Wagner), zhis vas for you!!!**--Suddenly a very angry Spike runs onto the set, 
carrying a very dead Buffy.--

CASSI:  Hey, who killed the Slayer?
SPIKE:  She's been bitten and her neck was broke.
KRISTI:  It was a sanctioned kill.
AUTHOR:  (writes it down)  That would be Battle.  **Also for Kristi!! Happy now?^_^**
BATTLE:  (grins)  Yeah, I did it!
SPIKE:  Half-vampire lady?
KRISTI:  I'm so proud of her.

--Dr. Dave and Mungo cart the Slayer away--

AUTHOR:  Now we can continue.
DR CARTER:  Owowowow!!!  I can't really walk on this!  (limps away)
RYAN:  (runs for the door and kicks it angrily)  OPEN THE DOOR!!!
DR CARTER:  (limps toward the parade)

--The door opens and Ryan and Billy run through it--Cash reaches the roof with Han and Logan--

CASH:  (into his radio)  We're on the roof, Ryan!   We're on the roof!
RYAN:  I heard you the forst time, and why do you even need to be up there?  All we have to do is 
follow the blood trail he's leaving behind.
CASH:  (huffy)  Fine, I won't help you at all!(Wolvie pout)
HAN & LOGAN:  (shrug and pull out a deck of Sabaak cards--Cash joins them)
DR CARTER:  (is limping past the parade and heading for medlab)

--Black Spy Jawa breaks away from the parade.  It looks left then right before slipping a package into a 
mail drop-off box, then hurries off--Ryan and Billy reach the parade, which is playing U2's song, "I still
haven't found what I'm looking for."--Ryan grins and begins dancing to it.  Billy stands, staring--The
White Spy Jawa hurries to the mailbox, and uses a flamethrower to open it.  It picks up the mysterious
package and shakes it....Suddenly, it blows up in his face, causing its outfit to look very charred, other
than that, the Jawa is fine.--The Black Jawa begins to laugh, just as a piece of brick from the building
behind it is knocked away by the explosion--The brick hits the Black Jawa on the head, knocking it cold--

ALL:  (standing ovation for the Jawas version of "Spy vs. Spy")  

--Both Jawas stand and bow before exiting--MEANWHILE, Ryan cintinues dancing in the parade, Billy
shrugs and finally joins him, as does Luke and Scott.  Cash, Han, and Logan are STILL on the roof, 
playing Sabaak.--Carter limps toward medlab--

DAVE:  (taunting)  Come on, you can make it!!  Come on, good boy!!  Come on, Carter, come on, boy!
DR CARTER:  (glaring)  Someone give me a gun.
DAVE:  (laughs)  You can't kill me.
MURDOC:  (hands Carter a gun)
DAVE:  (pales)  Uh....I didn't mean it!  I swear it was only a joke!  I was teas--
DR CARTER:  (cuts him off, by shooting him)

--Benton steps out of medlab to see a very dead Dave and an angry Carter.  Carter grabs Dave and drags
him into medlab with the help of Susan Lewis--Meanwhile, back at the parade, Ryan and company are
joined by most of the cast and Peanut Gallery--

CASSI:  Party?
AUTHOR:  (shrugs)  Might as well.

--Suddenly, Cyke, Sugah, Phyro, and Creepycrawler run through screaming, "MONSTER!!!!"--

ALL:  (stare as they leave from sight)

--Just as suddenly, a Clefairy leaps through, carrying Jigglypuff's microphone, bouncing around, making 
it's rather annoying call of, "Clefaaaairrry, Clefaaaairrry!!"  **shivers/ I HATE that thing!!**

CASSI:  AHHHH!!!MONSTER!!!!
CHRIS:  GET IT AWAY!!!!
JIGGLYPUFF:  (agrily runs in)  Jiggly Jiggly PUFF PUFF! (grabs a hold of her microphone)

--The two proceed to wrestle over it.  The Clefairy lets go and Jiggly is sent spinning head over feet--
She stands, dizzy, with the microphone clutched in her fist--The Clefairy leaves the set--

CASSI:  (sighs, relieved)  Monster gone now.  You can come out, X-Babies!!!
ALL X-BABIES:  (come out into the open and take their seats)
JIGGLY:  (starts singing)
AUTHOR:  (snaps her fingers and no one is affected by the song)
JIGGLY:  (finishes her song)
ALL:  (applaud)
JIGGLY:  (smiles, and bows)
MEOWTH:  Dat was beautiful! (stares at her, lovestruck)
JIGGLY:  (blushes and takes a seat next to Meowth)
AUTHOR:  (snaps a pitcure)  Alright, lets continue.
CHRIS:  Alright.  We end the parade and switch to the US Psycho's office.

--Penny, Jonathan, Xander, Jessie, and James are reporters questioning Ryan, Spike, and Angelus--

JONATHAN:  Deputy Gaerity, why do you feel that Dr. Carter came back to Chicago?
RYAN:  The Author made him.
PENNY:  Marshal, we understand your deputies were at County Hospital today.   Was Carter at County
Hospital?
RYAN:  Why else would we be there?
GERARD:  He makes a lousy US Marshal.
CASSI:  Quiet.  It gets better.
JAMES:  I just want to make sure I have this cronalogy straight here.  The suspect was tried, convicted, 
incarcerated, escaped, presumed dead, and is now presently at large in Chicago?  Is that correct, sir?
RYAN:  All but the part about being presumed dead.  He WAS dead.
JONATHAN:  Detective Spike, (frowns...) That sounds so stupid.
SPIKE:  Nobody asked you.
AUTHOR:  Call him Will if you don't like the name 'Spike', Jonathan.
JONATHAN:  Detective William-
SPIKE:  I hate that name.
JONATHAN:  (grins)  Do you believe that Dr Carter is armed and dangerous?
SPIKE:  Hmmm, let me think....he shot Dr. Dave and he threatened to stake me.....yeh, he's dangerous.
DR CARTER:  (comes out of medlab, using a set of crutches)
PENNY:  Detective William, he's taking all these chances coming back to Chicago.  Do you now feel that
he might be innocent?  That there may be a one-armed man out there?
SPIKE:  Of course he's innocent, but really that's not my problem!  He's an escaped felon that Imhotep 
sent to jail! You want to argue with the Mummy?  Do so!  It's your funeral.
GERARD:  I don't remember that.
CASSI:  I don't remember him being a goodlooking vampire, either.
SPIKE:  (looks at her)  You think I'm goodlooking?
AUTHOR:  Yeah, you're one of our favorite actors.  At least at this point.
LOGAN:  Welcom to the club.
ANGELUS:  Just who are the favorites again?
CASSI:  Ardeth, John Carter, Nightcrawler, Logan, and Spike.
ANGELUS:  Not fair.
BUFFY:  (from the medlab door)  Spike's a FAVORITE!?
AUTHOR:  Time to continue.
PENNY:  What are you gonna do next to catch him?
RYAN:  Why would I tell you?  He could be watching this!  Then our plan would be useless!
PENNY:  Good point.  I withdrawl the question.
RYAN:  (nods and walks out)

--Meanwhile, at nearby bar, Dr Carter stands, holding a phone--Nobody answers at the number, then we
see through the camera, an empty apartment, where the phone rings without being answered--Carter 
hangs up the phone and grabs his crutches, and limps across the street.  He sees an unmarked car--

DR CARTER:  I can't climb up the back of the building with my foot like this.
AUTHOR:  (groans)  Jean, a little help?
JEAN:  (uses her telekinetic ability to lift Carter up to the roof, where he finds a door and picks the lock)
AUTHOR:  And I'm only allowing that because he can't climb in through the window.

--Carter starts searching through the apartment--He sees a picture of Krycheck on the wall, and begins 
searching through the dresser.  He pulls a file folder out of a drawer that reads, "X-File" on the front.  On
the side, it reads, "S Mulder"--

MULDER:  Hey, that's my sister's file!  (walks on set and snatches the file away)  I'm gonna go kill 
Krycheck now.  (exits)
DR CARTER:  (shrugs and opens another drawer)

--He finds the prosthetic arm, and picks it up, frowning at it in distaste before replacing it in the now
very messed up drawer--He then goes to the desk, finds a packet of pictures, and starts laughing as he
shuffles through them--

CASSI:  Huh?
AUTHOR:  (looka over Carter's shoulder)  Hey, it's the pictures from "Robin Hood:  Spike in Tights!"
CASSI:  (snatches them) Wondered where those went.
DR CARTER:  (rolls his eyes and picks up yet another packet of pictures, this time finding one of 
Krycheck and Magneto) Lencherr.
MAGNETO:  Actually, I'm dead at this point.
DR CARTER:  Figures.

US PSYCHO'S OFFICE
**********************
AUTHOR:  Skip the newspaper reading.  It doesn't fit since Carter wasn't running through the crowd.
CASSI:  Watching the US Marshals dancing in the parade was funnier.
MURDOC:  Don't forget Dr Carter shooting Dr Dave.
AUTHOR:  Thanks for the recap.  Let's continue.

--The US "Psychos" team, Ryan, Ardeth, Murdoc, Cash, Storm, Billy, and a few others are gathered in
the survailance room, watching the security video of Carter visiting Bishop--

MURDOC:  Where did he get those clothes?
CASSI:  Does it matter?
MURDOC:  It must or it wouldn't be in the script.
CASH:  You sure I can't read the paper?  There's a whole article on the Spy Vs. Spy.
AUTHOR: No newspaper.

--Selina walks in....not far behind her, two small gray cloaked figures enter the set and take two seats in
the Peanut Gallery--

SPIKE:  Jawas wear gray now?
AUTHOR:  Huh?
SPIKE:  (shakes his head)  Never mind.
AUTHOR:  Script!
SELINA:  (to Ryan)  Ryan, there's some nut on line 3.  He claims he's John Carter.
DR CARTER:  Who are you calling a NUT!?
CASH:  (startled)  Who is it?
TANGO:  It sure ain't my sister.
CASH:  (glares) I kinda figured that.
KIKI:  Will you boys stop fighting?
AUTHOR:  Yes, we have a spoof to continue.
CHRIS:  Spoof now.
MURDOC:  We got another Carter on line 3!
CASSI:  You mean there's more than one?
AUTHOR:  There shouldn't be.  James Carter's not here yet.
MURDOC:  Not funny.
CASSI:  No, we're serious.  James Carter is supposed to have been here.

--James Carter and Lee Chang enter--

DT CARTER:  No shit, really?  **Note as you have just learned we are referring to DR Carter as "DR 
Carter, and Detective Carter as "DT Carter**Sorry for the confusion**
AUTHOR:  Where have you been?  You were supposed to have been here already!
CHANG:  We got lost.
CASH:  Is that Jackie Chan?
DT CARTER:  Hell no.  This is Lee Chang!
AUTHOR:  Watch the language, and take a seat.  We want to hear from DR Carter, not Detective Carter!
SPIKE:  That's confusing.
DR CARTER:  Tell me about it.
CHANG:  Does it help they look nothing alike?
RYAN:  Can we continue?
CHRIS:  Yes, lets.
RYAN:  Billy, let me see that phone.
BILLY:  (holds up the phone and shows it to Ryan, then sets it back down again)
RYAN:  Billy, let me rephrase that question. (pulls out his gun and points it at Billy)  Give me the phone,
or you won't the have hands to do so in a minute!
BILLY:  (hands the phone to Ardeth who sluggishly passes it to Ryan)
ARDETH:  Carter phone.  (waves his hand in front of his face)  Wow, look I can make more hands!!
DT CARTER:  What the hell is wrong with the Arab?
AUTHOR:  Again with the language!  And he's high on morphine after being mauled by a dinosaur.
DT CARTER:  I won't ask...(under his breath to Lee)  Bunch of psychos here.
AUTHOR:  Script!
SPIKE: 'EY!  Where are my smokes!?
CASSI:  Who cares?  You can't smoke on set anyway!
AUTHOR:  I said....SCRIPT!!!
RYAN:  (into the phone)  Hello, this is Ryan.
DR CARTER:  Do you remember what I told you in the tunnel?
RYAN:  Uh....which part?  (motions for his "team" to get a trace)
DR CARTER:  The one the Author made me say.
RYAN:  Oh yeah, while you were pointing my gun at me, you said something about not killing Sarah 
Williams.
STORM:  (whispers)  It's him! It's him!
DR CARTER:  Remember what you told me?
RYAN:  Aside of "I know you didn't." and "The gun's rigged?"
DR CARTER:  You said, "I don't care."
RYAN:  I did?
DR CARTER:  Yep.
RYAN:  Oh right.  I don't care.  I'm not trying to solve any puzzle, here.  I don't really care for solving 
puzzles.
DR CARTER:  Well I do, and I'm trying to solve one.
MURDOC:  (whispering)  5 seconds to location.
DR CARTER:  And I just found a big piece.
RYAN:  Dr. Carter?
DR CARTER:  (slams the phone on the desk)
RYAN:  John?  Dr. Carter?  Hello?  John?  He didn't hang up the phone.  Where's he at?
MURDOC:  1256 South Saint Lawrence.
CASH:  Get CPD right the hell over there now.
SPIKE:  Already going.
STORM:  (circles a red dot on a map)  We got a car there now.

--Cars screech up to the apartment out front and Carter limps out the back, using his crutches--

AUTHOR:  End scene.  Break time.
SPIKE:  Good.  I'll be back.  I have to buy some more smokes.  (leaves the set)
AUTHOR:  Okay....bye.
CASSI:  Strong addiction.
XANDER:  My watch is gone!
ANYA:  You have a watch?
XANDER:  (glares)  Well, I DID!
AUTHOR:  Okay, I'm out of here. (nearly trips over a "Jawa" in a gray cloak, carrying a platter of food)
HEY, watch it!
CASSI:  (exits with the Author, stepping around the "Jawa")

ONE WEEK LATER
*****************
**Okay, folks, here it is!!!The classic act, that not only won Ardeth and Carter Oscars, but inspired the 
REAL characters to replay the scene in the sequal.--as I said before this is probably the most insane
part of the entire spoof.  Please keep in mind that Newman and Kimble did NOT act like this, Kimble was
not even IN the apartment at this time, and we do not promote the usage of morphine....unless you're in 
real pain. ^_^**
********************************************************************************
AUTHOR & CASSI:  (return to the set)
SPIKE:  (pouting)  Every time I get a new pack of smokes, they disappear.
XANDER:  Yeah, well my watch was a fifty dollar watch.
AUTHOR:  Ah, shut up.

--Ardeth and Carter are seated with their legs propped up and they are singing--(due to the fact that in
Jurassic Spoof, Carter not only shot Ardeth up on morphine, but himself as well)--

CASSI:  Are they still doing that?
WAGNER:  At least it's not zhe raptors doing zhe dink-dink dance.
NIKKI:  (laughs incoherently)
SARA:  You know, they'll never take us seriously again.
STEVE:  You said it.
STRANIX:  We need to continue.
CHRIS:  Yeah, good idea.
AUTHOR:  Okay, Krycheck's apartment.

--Inside, Luke is dusting photographs while others are dusting everything else, and lifting prints from all
over the place.--

STORM:  (to Ardeth)  Get a couple of shots of that.
ARDETH:  (on the couch with Carter--takes a picture of Carter)
DR CARTER:  (snatches the camera and takes a picture of Ardeth) 

--They start laughing and singing again--

STORM:  (ignores them)  Krycheck.  45--
KRYCHECK:  I beg your pardon!  I am NOT that old!
AUTHOR:  Script says you are, now deal with it.  Storm, please continue.
STORM:  Ex-cop and quite a clothes horse.
RYAN:  (Looking around the room)
LUKE:   Deputy, you wanna take a look at this?
RYAN: Yeah.

--Behind them, Storm and Billy are commenting the ratty clothes--

KRYCHECK:  Hey!
AUTHOR:  Script!
LUKE:  Carter's prints are all over the room.  The main concentration is right here at the desk.  He sure had
some intrest in these photographs, he flipped through the whole stack and paused right here.
RYAN:  Negatives in there?
LUKE:  Right here.
RYAN:  Let me see those things.
CASH:  (over the radio)  Camera boy's on his way.
CASSI:  If he was outside, how did he know about the pictures?
AUTHOR:  (shrugs)  You got me.
BILLY:  (into his radio)  We got you, Gabe.

--The camera pans to just outside.  Cash gets out of his car.  As Krycheck walks toward his apartment, 
Cash walks toward him--Logan, Spike and Angelus are standing in front of the door--

CASH:  How are you doing, Mr Krycheck?
KRYCHECK:  I'll be doing fine if you tell me what's happening.
CASH:  We had a little problem.
KRYCHECK:  Really?  You don't say.  For a minute, I thought all these cops were here for a party.
CHRIS:  Not funny.  Get it right, One Arm.
KRYCHECK:  (glares, but continues)  At my place or the one upstairs?
CASH:  Your place.

--Krycheck and Cash approach Spike, Angelus, and Logan on the porch--

KRYCHECK:  Well now, hello.
SPIKE:  Step right in, Mr. Krycheck.  (frowns)  What was the point of that line?
CASSI:  Not a clue.
BIGGS:  Detective Kelly never made sense to me, either.
KRYCHECK:  Everybody knows my name.   One big happy family, huh?
SPIKE:  Gross!  We'd end up on Jerry Springer if that one was true.
CASSI:  I'll say, but then you could join the rest of the set who's already there.
CHRIS: Let's just keep going.

--Krycheck enters the apartment with Spike and Cash right behind him--

KRYCHECK:  What is this, a trenchcoat convention?  What the hell is going on!?
SPIKE:  (offended)  I like my trenchcoat.
RYAN:  I second that.
ARDETH & CARTER:  (singsong tone)  Trenchcoat convention!!! La-la-la!!
KRYCHECK:  (stares)  No comment.

--Ryan seats himself comfortably in a chair as Krycheck enters the room.  Murdoc stands behind him, 
while Billy and Storm are at his sides--Ardeth and Carter are STILL on the couch together, with their legs
propped up--

KRYCHECK:  Come on, guys.  What the hell's going on? (as he enters, he trips over a trip wire that seems
to have appeared out of nowhere, and lands sprawling on the floor)
ARDETH & CARTER:  (break into incoherent laughter)
WAGNER:  (sticks his tongue out and bamfs out)
KRYCHECK:  (sits up, angrily)  Lousy mutant.
CHRIS:  Script!
RYAN:  (in an innocent voice)  You had a break-in, Mr. Krycheck.
KRYCHECK:  (stares at him)  Well I sure hope you're a cop.
RYAN:  (shakes his head)  No, I'm Ryan Gearity, and I'm an insane bomb expert.
CASSI:  Well at least he's truthful.
AUTHOR:  Ryan, get it right.
RYAN:  (pouts)  I'm Ryan Gaerity, United States Psycho's Office.  This morning, a fugitive named John
Carter--
DR CARTER:  Ooo, that's ME!!  (waves to everyone)
ARDETH:  (takes his picture and laughs)
RYAN:  (grins)  This is amusing.  Anyway, he made a telephone call from this apartment.  Why would he 
do that? 
MULDER:  He didn't have change for the payphone?
KRYCHECK:  John Carter?  I don't know any John Carter.
ARDETH:  I do!!  (points at Carter)  He's right here!
STORM:  (walks over to Carter and motions at him in the "Vanna White" style)
DR CARTER:  (waves)
KRYCHECK:  (nods)  Yeah, okay.  I got it.  The doctor who killed his wife, but not really, since she's not
his wife and notdead.  Anyway, he's blaming it on somebody with a prosthetic limb?  What are you 
telling me, that he's coming after me?
DR CARTER:  (frowns)  Am I?
RYAN:  (ignores him)  Does he have a reason to come after you?
KRYCHECK:  Not really, but hey, he's insane.  I would expect him to do something to prove it.
ARDETH & CARTER:  (begin singing again)
KRYCHECK:  See?
RYAN:  You've made your point, but you forgot something.
KRYCHECK:  And what is that?
RYAN:  I'm insane, too.
KRYCHECK:  (groans)  Kill me now.
DR CARTER:  Okay.  (pulls out Ardeth's sidearm and shoots Krycheck in the head)
AUTHOR:  Noooo, BAD!!  (takes the weapons away from Ardeth and Carter)
RYAN:  Well, that was different.
AUTHOR:  Ryan, corner!  this is YOUR fault!  You can come back when Krycheck is alive again!  Ardeth
and Carter SEPARATE!

--Ryan, Carter and Ardeth do the Wolvie pout--

CASSI:  Mungo, we need you!
MUNGO:  No' anathah one!!!  E's no' even on the list!!!!
AUTHOR:  Carter did it!
DR CARTER:  (grinning)  It was fun.
MUNGO:  You need to lay off the morphine, or OI'LL kill you!  (drags Krycheck to medlab)

--HALF AN HOUR LATER--

KRYCHECK:  (enters from medlab)  Remend me never to say those words again.
CASSI:  Well, we keep saying don't say that, because there's always some idiot that will take you 
literally.
DR CARTER:  Wha re you calling an idiot?
RYAN:  Can I get out now?
AUTHOR:  Yes, everyone to your places.  Ryan, start with your line.
RYAN:  Does he have a reason to come after you?
KRYCHECK:  Well, yes.  I have a prosthetic limb.  I must have murdered his not dead, not really his wife, 
wife, right?
CASSI:  Huh?
AUTHOR:  Don't ask.
CASSI:  I don't think I want to.
RYAN:  This is actually fun.
MALCOM:  You're also the one who thought playing the Joker was fun.
RYAN:  And your point is?
MALCOM:  (sighs)  Never mind.
STRANNIX:  Script!
KRYCHECK:  Come on, give me a break, will you?  I went through all this a year ago.  You should know
that.  They came here and questioned me about the whole thing.  I'll tell you what I told them.  I wasn't
in Chicago on that night.  I was on a busines trip.  15 people verified it.
RYAN:  What line of business are you in, Mr. Krycheck?
KRYCHECK:   Hiding alien activities from humans.
MULDER:  Not funny!
AUTHOR:  Script  NOW!!!
KRYCHECK:  Security.
RYAN:  Really?  Me too!  I work for the spoofauthors.  Who do you work for?
KRYCHECK:  A pharmicutical company.
RYAN:  Which one?
KRYCHECK:  Devlin-MacGregor.  I handle security for the top executives.
RYAN:  Do you have any idea why Dr. Carter would be interested in these photos?
KRYCHECK:  No, maybe he like to look at photos.
RYAN:  Where were they taken?  (looking at the picture)  That is one ugly fish.
KRYCHECK:  Cancun, Mexico.  It was some junket that the company paid for, for some doctors.
RYAN:  Did Carter go with you?
KRYCHECK:  You don't see him in the pictures, do you?
RYAN:  Maybe he's invisible.
AUTHOR:  Not likely.  He doesn't have a gold ring.

--One of the gray "Jawas" drops a platterful of food, and everyone looks up.  The Jawa picks up the food
quickly and hurries away--

SPIKE:  Strange little buggers.
AUTHOR:  Anyway, as I was saying....he can't be invisible.  Now back to the script.
KRYCHECK:  No, I told you.  I don't know him.  (pause)  Do you mind if I look around to see if 
anything's missing?
DR CARTER:  I'm not a thief.
KRYCHECK:  Yeah, well there sure is one on set, with the way things keep coming up missing.
MURDOC:  You don't have anything worth stealing.
AUTHOR:  Script!
RYAN:  (to Krycheck) No, I don't mind.
MURDOC: We knew that already.
RYAN:  (laughs)

--Krycheck walks away from Ryan, disgusted--

RYAN:  How'd you lose that arm?
KRYCHECK:  I'd tell you, but I'd have to kill you.
RYAN:  Was that a threat?
KRYCHECK:  It's classified.
STRANNIX:  So read the answer in the script.
KRYCHECK:  (drily)  In the line of duty.  (stomps offset)
CASSI:  He can't act for crap.
MULDER:  So don't bring him back.
AUTHOR:  We're not planning to. Now continue.

--Outside, Ryan, Murdoc, Cash, Billy, and Storm step out of the building while Ardeth limps behind them,
on crutches--

RYAN:  Murdoc, this guy is dirty.
MURDOC:  Yeah, I know.  He's REALLY dirty.  I could smell him across the room.
LOGAN:  Now you know why I stayed outside.
CASSI:  Amusing.
KRISTI:  (removes the clothespin from her nose)  He did smell....worse than a baby with a very dirty poop
diaper. **Kristi has small children...can you tell? Love you Jose  &Jenna!!**
SPIKE:  Ugh.  That was more than I needed to know.
AUTHOR:  We don't care how bad he smells or how he acts.  Script NOW!!!  Get it right Murdoc or you'll
be a CAT again!!!  **James of the Jungle has been completed by now**
MURDOC:  Yes Ryan, you want us to put our people on him?
CASSI:  What if they fall off?
RYAN:  (glares at Cassi, who smiles and waves) Oh yeah, I want you to build a camp right here. (points
to the street)  Billy?
BILLY:  (shrugs)  I'll take care of it.
RYAN:  Ardeth?
ARDETH:  (who is angry because he's not allowed to hang around Carter anymore) What?!
RYAN:  (holds up a picture)  See this picture with all the fingerprints on it?
ARDETH:  (glares, but nods)
RYAN:  I want you to find out who the guy sitting next to Krycheck is.  Find out his name, his age, 
his wieght, his social security number, his location, realitives, pets, everything.  (hands Ardeth the 
picture than gets into the car with Murdoc and they drive away)
ARDETH:  (swears in Arabic)
BILLY:  (whispers something into Ardet'hs ear)
ARDETH:  (smiles and they head for Billy's car)

CHICAGO HILTON
******************
--Mulder is seated at a table with several of the doctors from medlab--

SELINA:  (walks over to him and hands him a note)  I'm sorry, sir.  But he said it was an emergency.
MULDER:  (reads the note, rolls his eyes and stands) Excuse me.
SELINA:  (leads him over to the phone)

--A payphone nearby starts ringing and Carter limps over to answer it--

DR CARTER:  Hello?
MULDER:  You know, John, you really need to stop giving your real name for these phone messages.
Someone is going to catch on and turn you in.
RYAN:  Why?  He was sitting in the same room with me on a couch next to Ardeth,and I didn't catch him.
I don't think he has anything to worry about.
WOLVIE:  Then why is the spoof still going then?
AUTHOR:  Because it's not over yet, now Script!
DR CARTER:  Can you talk?
MULDER:  Since I was two.
DR CARTER:  That's not funny.
MULDER:  Yes I can talk.  I'm on a hotel phone.  So how are you?  What's going on?
DR CARTER:  I'm supposed to tell you I found the guy, but then I've known from the beginning that you
were the bad guy.
COSMO:  This just gets wierder and wierder.
BIGGS:  You said it.
AUTHOR:  We don't care if Mulder's the bad guy!  Right now, he's the only one you can trust!
DR CARTER:  I trust Ardeth.
ARDETH:  (offset)And I trust you, my friend!
MURDOC:  Ah, true friendship...the sharing of prescription painkillers.
AUTHOR:  You said it! Now SCRIPT!
DR CARTER:  (to Mulder)  I found him, Fox.  I found the guy who killed Sarah....even though she isn't 
dead.
CASSI:  That made sense.
AUTHOR: Whatever works.
MULDER:  What?
DR CARTER:  It was me they were after.
MULDER:  Who were they?
DR CARTER: Devlin McGregor and Magneto.
LOGAN:  Does that really surprise us?
AUTHOR:  Shush.
DR CARTER:  Erik was surpervising the protocal for RD-U90.  He knew I found it was causing liver 
damage.  It was Magneto.
MULDER:  John, Magneto is dead.
MAGNETO:  I am?
AUTHOR:  Yes, now go be dead somewhere else, before somone makes it for real.  You know how people
are on this set.
MAGNETO:  I'm gone.  (exits quickly)
DR CARTER:  What?  How?
XANDER:  Two very good questions.
AUTHOR:  Shush now, or you can be a cat.
XANDER:  Right sure.
AUTHOR:  Misto!
MISTO:  (shoots a lightning bolt, changing Xander into a brown and white cat)
CASSI:  He's cute.
ANYA:  At least he's not a bunny.  (scoops Xander up into her arms and sits down, petting him)
AUTHOR:  Mulder continue.
MULDER:  He died in a car accident last Summer.  (long drawn out pause)  John?
DR CARTER:  Yeah?
MULDER:  Can you prove this about the drug?
DR CARTER:  Why?  Will you kill me if I can?
MULDER:  Well, yeah.  It's in the script.
DR CARTER:  Well, when you put it that way, yeah I think I can prove it.  I need your help, Fox.  Call 
Corsair at the hospital and tell him to give me whatever I need, alright?
MULDER:  Sure.  It's the least I can do, after all, I am going to try to kill you later.
DR CARTER:  Yeah, thanks....I think.

--They hang up and we switch back to Mulder walking down a hallway with Dr Greene.  Ryan and 
Murdoc approach them--

RYAN:  Dr. Mulder...(pause)  That sounds so stupid.
CHRIS:  We don't care.
RYAN:  Right.  (to Mulder)  How are you?  Can we ask you a few more questions?
MULDER:  Oh...it's you again.
RYAN:  Yeah. (turns to Murdoc)  Murdoc, you got a copy of that photograph?  (pulls out his badge and 
shows it to Dr. Greene) United States Psychos Service.
MULDER:  (to Greene)  Excuse us.
GREENE:  Nice knowing you.  (hurries back to medlab)
MURDOC:  (shows an enlarged picture Krycheck and Magneto with the big ugly fish)  Dr. Mulder, this
is Krycheck, he's a security specialist with Devlin McGregor Pharmicuticals.  Dr. John Carter broke into
his apartment.  Do you know him?
MULDER:  (with a completely honest face)  No, I don't know him.  (looks at Ryan)  You're getting pretty
desperate, aren't you, Mr. Gaerity?
CASSI:  Mulder's gonna get another Oscar for that act.
RYAN:  I'm not desperate, I'm determined.
MULDER:  I told you you wouldn't find John.
RYAN:  Has he been to see you?
MULDER:  No, it seems we've been over this ground before, haven't we?
RYAN:  (nods)  Yeah.
MULDER:  So if you'll excuse me...
RYAN:  Sure.  Thankyou, Doctor.
MURDOC:  Thanks!!

--Mulder begins walking away from them--

RYAN:  (calling after him)  Dr. Mulder, sorry.  I want to ask you one more question about the photograph.
(shows him the picture)  See this guy in the purple shirt, standing on the right side of the fish?  Have you
ever seen him before?
MULDER:  (again with an honest face)  No.
RYAN:  This guy right here?  You sure?
MULDER:  I've never seen that man before in my life.
RYAN:  Okay.
MULDER:  I'm sorry.
PENNY:  Want' he your father in the Phantom? 
CASSI:  What can we say? He's a good liar.
SCULLY:  Knew that already.
AUTHOR:  Script.  Lets skip to the next scene.

US PSYCHO'S OFFICE
**********************
MURDOC:  So if you were John Carter, why would you hunt down a one armed guy who you said killed
your not really dead wife, call us up and then split?  That doesn't make sense.
CASSI:  But Carter didn't split.  He stayed and hung out with the US Psychos, which makes even less 
sense.
AUTHOR:  Good point, but this is a spoof, and what does that mean, class?
ALL:  It doesn't have to make sense.  It just has to be funny.
CASSI:  No comment.
AUTHOR:  Let's continue please.

--Ryan is reading a big black book that reads, "Assassinations Weeky" on the cover--

SPIKE:  You might not want to read that.
RYAN:  (reads a few words)

--A mummy runs across the set--

ARDETH:  (points and laughs)
CASSI:  (takes the book from Ryan)  I need this for my next spoof.
RYAN:  (shakes his head)  I should have been a doctor.
CHRIS:  Ardeth, you have a scene.  Act or you get no more morphine.
ARDETH:  (limps over, pouting)  Look at this blown up guy in the picture with Krycheck.
RYAN:  Where?!  (looks)  He's not blown up....not in this spoof anyway.  (grins)
AUTHOR:  Ardeth, read it right.
ARDETH:  (pouting more)  Look at his shirt.  Chicago Memorial Hospital.  I want to go there.
RYAN:  Go.
CASH:  (grins)  Wait.  (gets up and follows Ardeth)

--They exit together--

RYAN: (to Murdoc)  You know Devlin McGregor did 7.5 billion dollars in net sales last year alone?  That 
company is a monster. 
WOLVIE:  (looks around)  Where monster?
CASSI:  That was the Clefairies.  They're gone.
AUTHOR: Script!
 
OUTSIDE KRYCHECK'S HOUSE
*****************************
--In the middle of the street is a tent with a small fire in front of it.  Billy, Ardeth, Cash, Logan, and Wagner
are all roasting marshmallows over the fire.--

RYAN:  That's the last time I say anything like that.  They keep taking me literally.
KRYCHECK: (is watching from his window--the phone rings and he answers it)  Yeah, talk to me.  (pause)
Absolutely brother.  Glad to see you finally learned.

CHICAGO MEMORIAL
*********************
--Corsair is using the Farce to get boxes down so he can look through them--

DR CARTER:  It's a liver sample from a patient of our RD-U90 drug study.  21st...January 21st.
CORSAIR:  (finds it)  Ah, last one.
DR CARTER:  1-7-4-3-0?
CORSIAR:  1-7-4-3-0.  You got it.
DR CARTER:  Thanks, Corsair.  I'll make sure all this stuff gets back to you.  (they shake hands)  It's 
good to see you again.
CORSAIR:  Good to see you, too.  Say, whatever happened to that thing with Sarah?
DR CARTER:  It's not over, yet.  (walks out)

--Back at Krycheck's apartment,  a fire engine pulls up in front of the campsite.  Krycheck gets his gun and 
sneaks out of the apartment, while the fire engine blocks the view--

LOGAN:  (over radio)  Hey, Spikey, what's going on?  That thing's polluting our fresh camping air.
ANGELUS:  They're in Chicago and they have fresh air?!  Where'd they FIND it?
SPIKE:  (into his radio)  How the (looks at the Author) beep would I know?

--Back at Chicago Memorial, Ardeth and Cash (who had to leave the campsite--under protest) are 
showing the picture of Magneto and Krycheck to Buffy--

BUFFY:  I think his name's Eric Lensherr.  A Pathologist.  I only remember because he died last summer.
I think your boss blew him up in Gotham.
AUTHOR:  Not funny, Buffy.
CASSI:  But true.
ARDETH & CASH:  (exchange bored looks, as they would rather be roasting marshmallows)
--We go to a lab where Scully is working with a microscope.  Carter limps in using his crutches, hobbles
over and touches her shoulder--

SCULLY:  (looks up in surprise)  Oh my--John!  Oh, what are you doing here?  (hugs him)
CASSI:  Scully ain't a bad actress.
DR CARTER:  Hi Dana.

--Meanwhile, Krycheck walks toward Chicago Memorial Hospital.--Then we go back to Scully and Carter--

STRANNIX:  Well, that was a pointless scene.
AUTHOR:  Well, it was in the movie, so it had to stay.  I want to finish this, so Scully and Carter ACT!

--Scully is looking at a liver sample under a microscope--

SCULLY:  Look.
DR CARTER:  (limps over and looks into the microscope)
SCULLY: What do you think?
DR CARTER:  Cold normal.
SCULLY:  Clearly not the same tissue, and not only did these all come from healthy livers, they all came 
from the same liver.
RYAN:  Well, that was real smart.  What kind of an idiot makes that kind of a mistake.
DR CARTER & SCULLY:  Mulder.
MULDER: (glares)
AUTHOR:  (yawns pointedly)
DR CARTER:  (grins)  Dana, you're a beauty.

--As Kerycheck walks through the halls, heading toward the morgue, Cash and Ardeth enter where 
Corsair is cleaning surgical tools and humming--

ARDETH:  (limps forward and winces in pain, as his leg has not completely healed yet)  Mr. Corsair?
CORSAIR:  Yes?
CASH:  I'm Deputy Cash, and this is Deputy Bay.  We're United States Marshals.  We just need a little
bit of information on a Dr. Lensherr who used to be on staff here.
ARDETH:  (starts so speak, but winces in pain again)

--A small gray cloaked Jawa walks over and hands him a syringe filled with morphine, and scurries away--
Ardeth grins and injects himself--

CASSI:  Jawas...always there when you need them.
AUTHOR:  Let's continue.
ARDETH:  I just want to know if he knew, or ever had contact with a Dr. John Carter.
CORSAIR: I haven't seen Dr. Carter.
ARDETH & CASH:  (exchange a look)
ARDETH: That is not what I asked, sir.
CORSAIR:  Well, I wouldn't know.  Now if you'll excuse me, I have some prior obligations to attend to.
CASH:  Mr. Corsair?
CORSAIR:  Yes?

--Above, Krycheck watches from a window that overlooks the room--

CASH:  I think you're lying to us.
CORSAIR:  (quietly and calmly)  Are you accusing a Sith Lord of lying?
ARDETH:  (smiles)  Not at all.
CASH:  I think we're being watched.
CORSAIR:  One Arm's up there.  I sensed him whe he arrived.
AUTHOR:  Scene change!  Back to Scully's lab.
SCULLY:  You think Lensherr's the bad guy?
DR CARTER:  Yeah, why not?  He's an evil mutant.
CASSI:  We'll not mention that he played a good guy and the Phantom and will play another in a future
spoof.
AUTHOR:  No, we won't mention that.  Now Script, Carter!
DR CARTER:  Why not?  He was one of the original patent holders on RD-U90.  I wsa sending him my 
tissue samples.  He was replacing them with healthy samples, issuing the path reports, and sh**-canning
my stuff.  Piece of cake.
SCULLY:  Wait a minute.  Lensherr died August 21st.  Half the samples he approved were signed the day
ha died.
DR CARTER:  Let me see that.
SCULLY:  Someone else must have been minipulating this.
DR CARTER:  (pales and looks ill)  Thanks, Dana.  (turns to leave)
SCULLY:  Where are you going?
DR CARTER:  To see a friend. (leaves)

--Back at the US Psycho's Office, Ryan gets a call from Ardeth.--

RYAN:  This is giving me a headache.  (into the phone)  That's a really surprising revelation, young man.
Where did Mr. Corsair say the good doctor was going?
ARDETH:  (into the phone)  Ryan, he says he doesn't know where Carter was going.
RYAN:  And you believe him?
ARDETH:  Yes, I believe him.  He says he was here to pick up some tissue samples.
RYAN:  (pacing the US Marshal's office)  What?!
ARDETH:  Yeah, for a drug study.  But listen, the release was approved by Dr. Fox Mulder, who also 
knew Lensherr.  He was Lensherr's boss.
CASSI:  I'm surprised to see Ardeth doing so well on morphine.
ARDETH:  This is fun.  (laughs)
AUTHOR:  Don't jinx it, Cassi!
MURDOC:  Woah, that means he was covering for Carter.
RYAN:  (nods)  Yeah, send CPD over there right now.  (into the phone)  Ardeth, I'm going to send you a
bunch of cops.  I want you to make sure they turn that place inside out. 
ARDETH:  Not a problem.
RYAN:  And don't let them give you any sh** about your pony-tail, either.
ARDETH:  (grins)  If they do, I will kill them.
RYAN:  Well said.
ARDETH:  It was my pleasure.  (hangs up)
CASSI:  Not gonna ask.
RYAN:  (seats himself across from Billy)  Billy, Dr. Mulder lied to me.  Go find him.
BILLY:  I'm on it.

--We switch to Krycheck waiting for an El train to finish passing, so he can continue his conversation
on a pay-phone--

KRYCHECK:  Okay, it's going by now...no look.  I looked there.  I looked everyplace you told me to look
and I didn't see him.  I'm telling you he's not in the hospital.  If he was, I would have found him.
CASSI:  He was in Scully's lab.  Mulder should have told him to look there.
STRANNIX:  Well, he didn't.
MURDOC:  Not very smart, was he?
MACGYVER: Bad guys are never smart.
MURDOC:  (shoots MacGyver, then he smiles and gets all teary eyed)  I always wanted to do that.
DOT:  (takes a picture of Murdoc standing beside the body, smiling)
MURDOC:  Get me a copy of that.
AUTHOR:  Script.  Mungo, get this dead guy out of here.
MUNGO:  (comes in and drags MacGyver away)  'Ow many toimes do Oi 'ave ta bring a goiy back in one
spoof?!
AUTHOR:  SCRIPT!!!
KRYCHECK:  So what do you want me to do?  Huh?  Hold....wait a minute...(sees Carter limp out into a 
back alley behind the hospital, hurrying along with his crutches)  No, I marked him.  I got him now.  
(hangs up)
ARDETH:  (whispering)  That's what you think.

--Krycheck follows Carter down the street, heading toward the El train.--In the US Psycho's office, Ryan
is taping the picture of Krycheck and Magneto to the window.--

RYAN:  Dr. Erik Lensherr, doesn't sound quite as stupid as Dr. Fox Mulder.
MURDOC:  Nope...(reads the file)  A noted Pathologist from Chicago Memorial was on his way to his 
daily tennis match when an unidentified vehicle swung around a curb and slammed his body into the
barior that separates the drive from Lake Michigan.  (makes a face)  A hit and run...That wasn't even
CREATIVE!!!  They should do things with more finesse!
RYAN:  I agree.
STRANNIX:  (cocks a gun)
RYAN:  (ignores him)
MURDOC:  (also ignores him)
LOGAN:  (wlks in carrying a folder)  Ryan!  Ryan, you're not gonna believe this.  I checked Krycheck's
records against Carter's for the last two years.  I found nothing.  
RYAN:  Well, it was worth a thought.
LOGAN:  Yeah, well, when I cross-checked Carter's records, one came up.  Carter called Krycheck.
RYAN:  Get Krycheck in here now!
LOGAN:  On the night of his wife's murder, at 7:30 pm, from his car-phone.
MURDOC:  (frowns)  Didn't Mulder borrow his car?
AUTHOR:  You're not supposed to mention that yet, now script!
RYAN:  (looks through papers)  Murdoc, do you have that arrest report on Carter?
MURDOC:  (hands Ryan the folder)  Here, Ryan.
RYAN:  7:30 pm.
LOGAN:  1930 hours.
RYAN:  I know military time.
LOGAN:  Just reading the flaming script!
CASSI:  How many times have we told you not to set your script on fire!?
PHYRO:  Burn baby burn!!!
LOGAN:  ( glares)
AUTHOR:  Script!
STORM:  (on the phone)  Ryan, they just went in.  Krycheck is gone.  He's nowhere to be found.
MURDOC:  What?!
STORM:  He's gone.  AWOL, you know...disappeared?
MURDOC:  (flatly) I know what you mean.

EL TRAIN
**************  
--Carter is seated across from Rufio, who is reading a paper.  Carter notices that his mugshot is on the 
front page.  Carter groans and bangs his head into the wall.  Rufio looks at the front page, then at Carter,
who is still banging his head.  **so he gets busted and has a headache, what a bargain, huh?**  Rufio 
looks back down at the paper, then heads up to the next car, where Wagner is dressed up as a cop.  Carter
finally stops banging his head.  He sees Rufio talking to Wagner and he stands to leave.  This is when 
Krycheck steps in front of him with his gun out.  Behind Krycheck, Wagner can be heard talking into his
radio.--

WAGNER:  Zhis is transit unit tventy-sree.  I have a possible sighting of Carter on zhe northbound El...

--Wagner's voice fades off as the camera pans onto Krycheck approaching Carter with the gun--

KRYCHECK:  (cocks the gun)  Move to the door, Doc.
DR CARTER:  (glares but complies)  
BOBBY:  (on the PA)  Next stop, Balbo Station.  Balbo.
KRYCHECK:  This is my stop.
DR CARTER:  It's my stop, too.

--Behind them, Wagner walks in with a gun--

WAGNER:  Carter?
KRYCHECK:  (turns to shoot)
WAGNER: (*BAMF* vanishes into a puff of brimstone)
KRYCHECK:  (stares, obviously not familiar with Kurt's abilities**honestly, you'd think the blue fur and
tail would be enough to convince him Wagner is not normal**)

--Carter reaches up behind him and pulls out Ardeth's scimitar out from under his coat, grinning like a 
maniac.  Krycheck whirls to shoot....a bit too late.  Carter slashes him across the chest, and Krycheck falls
to the floor in a bloody mess.  Carter pulls the lever to stop the train--All on set with weak stomaches run 
for the bathroom, covering their mouths, as Krycheck's corpse, which has been cut into two halves, 
slides along the floor--**We are such sadistic people, aren't we?**

DR CARTER:  (to Krycheck's corpse,as he puts the scimitar back under his coat)  You missed your stop.  
WOLVIE:  Cool.
ARDETH:  That was wonderful, my friend.  Have you ever considered becoming a Med-jai?
DR CARTER:  (grins and kicks the window out of the train then climbs out and hurries off down the track)

BACK TO THE US PSYCHO'S OFFICE
********************************
SCOTT:  (walks in, in a hurry)  Ryan!  Ryan, a transit cop spotted Carter on the El.  He's headed toward 
Balbo Station.  CPD is on the way.

--Ryan, Strom, and Murdoc jump into action and run for the parking lot--Meanwhile, Carter runs through
the train station.  He dumps the gun he'd taken from the bloody corpse into a post office box**some nice
alien is going to get quite a surprise later on--sorry crack from MIB 2 about all postal workers being aliens,
ignore me.**Anyway, Carter rushes into the back entrance of a hotel--Ryan, Murdoc and Storm are 
speeding down the street in Murdoc's Range Rover, Ryan doing the driving--A voice cuts in over the
radio--

RADIO:  Attention all units.  Transit units report a bloody mess at Balbo Station that could be an officer.
Carter is suspect--
RYAN:  A bloody mess?  What'd he do, kill a cop?
MURDOC:  Chicago PD will eat him alive.
SPIKE:  Hmmm, not a bad idea.
ANGELUS:  I'm hungry.
AUTHOR:  We don't care.  You can't eat Carter.
SPIKE & ANGELUS:  (do the Wolvie pout)

BIG FANCY BANQUET HALL
*************************
--Everyone who does not have a current role is dressed up and seated at fancy tables, with plates of 
delicious looking food--

SPIKE:  That is not fair.
AUTHOR:  The catch is we have to listen to Giles and Mulder speak.
SPIKE:  Oh.  Okay.  Enjoy.
CASSI:  (lifts her headphones)  Huh?
AUTHOR:  Alright, Script!  In the banquet hall.....
GILES:  It's a joy and a privlege to introduce tonight's speaker.

--Carter heads up an escalator, while several "cops" run through Balbo Station, and into the hotel--

GILES:  For the past four years, he has served as the A. Judge Robinson Fellow, and administrative cheif
at Chicago Memorial Hospital.

--Carter reaches the top of the escalator and hurries toward an elevator.--Cops run into the lobby and ask
about emergency exits--Ryan and Murdoc are outside in the car--

RADIO:  Suspect seen entering Hilton Tower mall, lower level.  Repeat, suspect entering Hilton Tower 
Mall, lower level.
RYAN:  (glances at Murdoc)
MURDOC:  Oh no, you don't think...
RYAN:  Yeah, I know where he's going.
MURDOC:  (into his radio)  Cash?  Bay?  Come in, where are you?

BACK AT THE BANQUET HALL
*****************************
GILES:  He's been appointed at the Board of Directors of Devlin McGregor Pharmacuticles.  Would you all
please give a warm welcome to Dr. Fox Mulder?
ALL:  Booo!!!
MULDER:  (glares)  Thankyou very much, ladies and gentlemen, my friends and colleagues. It's great to
have you here tonight.
CASSI:  Did he just call us "Collies?"
ASST NILES:  Cassi, you might want to remove the headphones once in a while.

--Carter gets into an elevator, and Murdoc's car screeches up out front of the hotel, nearly hitting Bobby 
in the process--Ryan, Murdoc and Storm get out, and Ardeth limps over with Cash right behind him--

ARDETH:  CPD just reported a bloody mess at Balbo Station, but it was only Krycheck.  I leant Carter my
scimitar.
RYAN:  Does Mulder know this?
ARDETH:  (grins)  No, but I have a feeling he'll find out soon enough.
RYAN:  So did Carter kill any cops?
CASH:  Conflicting reports, Ryan.
WAGNER:  I bamfed.
BOBBY:  (to Spike and Angelus)  Witnesses say he entered the hotel through the subway.
RYAN:  That's my man!
ANGELUS:  Not anymore, he's not.  He's going down.  You want to help us, stay out of the way.
RYAN:  (lifts up his hand and hold out a thermal detonator)  Arrest us.
ANGELUS & SPIKE:  (as well as anyone else nearby, get out of the way)
RYAN:  (shuts the detonator off and he and his Psychos hurry into the building)
SPIKE:  I hate that guy.
AUTHOR:  Spike!
SPIKE:  Right.  I want a lock down.  Start with the lower level.

--All doors in the building are locked and secured--Ryan and his crew barge into the lobby--

RYAN:  Ardeth, find the hotel security office, and stay in touch with me on the radio.  (looks at the others)
Come on.
ARDETH:  (limps off in another direction)

--Carter limps into the banquet hall--

MULDER:  Now a new drug on the cusp of approval by the Food and Drug Administration is poised to 
change these old methods forever.

--Suddenly, two squirrels come through arguing.  One an older lady squirrel, and the other a young male
child squirrel--

SLAPPY:  So who was the band that was on the stage?
SKIPPY:  Yes.
SLAPPY:  So Yes is the name of the band?
SKIPPY:  No.
SLAPPY:  Then what was the name of the band?
SKIPPY:  No, What played the week before.  
SLAPPY:  So who was the band on the stage?
SKIPPY:  Yes.
SLAPPY:  Okay, we'll start all over. Was there a band on the stage?
SKIPPY:  Yes.
SLAPPY:  Did the band have a name?  
SKIPPY:  Yes.
SLAPPY:  What was the name of the band?
SKIPPY:  Who.
SLAPPY:  The band that was on the STAGE!
SKIPPY:  Who.

--They exit arguing--

MULDER:  (stares after them)  I so don't want to know.

--Ardeth limps into the Security room where Han and Luke are with a bunch of futuristic equipment--

HAN:  Luke.  (points at Ardeth)  Deputy Bay, United States Psycho's Office.
LUKE:  How are you doing?
ARDETH:  I've been better.  (into the radio)  Ryan, I'm in.

--Ryan and his crew get into an elevator--Back in the banquet hall, Carter is standing in the doorway, 
looking very upset and angry--

MULDER:  ....through the normal metabolic pathways of the liver, and the drug's name is Provasic.  As I'll
show you tonight, Provasic is remarkably effective and has ne side effects whatsoever--
SCULLY:  Only death, but that's no side effect.
DR CARTER:  Not to mention a ruptured liver and a lot of other nasties.
MULDER:  It is also noteworthy that this drug...(pauses to look at Carter)...that this drug was developed
in coorperation, not competition with the Chicago Memorial Hospital.  In what we hope will be the model
for continued dishonest....


--As Mulder has been speaking, Carter has slowly been walking forward, and people are now staring at
him--

MULDER:  Excuse me--for honest--
CASSI:  Should have stuck with the first one.  It was more accurate.
KIMBLE:  I'll say.
MULDER:  Honest open joint ventures between academic medicine and pharmacutical industry...(pause)
John...(laughs nervously)  I'm sorry, I'm in the middle of a speech.
DR CARTER:  You almost got away with it, didn't you?
MULDER:  (stares)  Ummm....(uneasily)
DR CARTER:  I know all about it, and I can prove it.
MULDER:  (cold look)  Ladies and gentlemen, my friend, John Carter doesn't feel well.
DR CARTER:  I feel fine.  You betrayed me.
MULDER:  (nervously) You're a little bit into character, aren't you?
DR CARTER:  (doesn't answer)
MULDER:  He doesn't feel well, obviously, so if you'll excuse me...Just go on with your dessert and 
coffee....(pauses as he eyes Carter)  Carter, if you can just step aside, and let's talk, okay?
DR CARTER:  (grins)  Sure...less witnesses that way.
MULDER:  (very worried)  So I'll be back in just a second.  I just have to kill my friend before he kills me.
CASSI:  At least he's honest.

--The two of them head for the nearest exit--

DR CARTER:  You changed the samples, didn't you?  Huh?  You switched the samples....after Lensherr 
died!
MULDER:  John......lets..(puts a hand on Carter's shoulder)

--Dr Carter shoves him roughly and the two of them face each other, glaring, as a murmur runs through
the crowd--

GILES:  Let's stay calm, people.
WOLVIE:  Fight! Fight! Fight!
DR CARTER:  (angry)  After Lensherr died, you were the only one with access!  You switched the 
samples and the Pathology Reports.  (he shoves him hard and starts shouting)  Did you kill Lensherr
TOO!?  Huh?!

--Another murmur runs through the crowd--

GILES:  Can we get security in here, please?
DR CARTER:  Did you?!  (turns to the crowd as Mulder leaves the room)  He falsified his research, so 
that RD-U90 could be approved and Devlin MaGregor could give you Provasic!

--Carter limps out in the direction Mulder has just exited.--

GILES:  Alright, it's all over, folks.  Stay clam.

--Ryan and his crew leave the elevator and head toward the banquet hall.  A helicopter flies overhead, and
Carter limps into the suite with Ardeth's scimitar drawn.  Mulder smashes a chair over Carter's head and 
the scimitar hits the floor.  Mulder kicks it away--

MULDER:  you never give up, do you, John?  (shouting)  You never give up!!

--Carter takles him and Mulder tosses him aside and punches him, then shoves him into the wall.  Carter 
grabs him and knees him in the nuts, causing mulder to yelp in pain, then Carter shoves him out the 
balcony exit, to the roof.  He pushes Mulder so he is leaning backwards over the rail--

DR CARTER:  (grins maniacally, then pulls him back)  Why Sarah!?  (punches him)

--Meanwhile, Chris Knight runs up to Ryan and hiw crew--

KNIGHT:  I'm so glad you guys are here!
RYAN:  (mimicking the cartoon)  Which way did he go, which way did he go?
CASSI:  (snickers)
KNIGHT:  They went towrd the Presidential suite.
RYAN:  Where's that?
KNIGHT:  Do I look like a map?!
RYAN:  (holds up the thermal detonator again) 
KNIGHT:  Ehh, Southeast corner.
RYAN:  So how many exits are there from this room?
KNIGHT:  We got a total of four.  Two on the east and two on the west.

--Ryan sends a few of his group to those exits, while Murdoc stays behind Ryan and Knight--

ARDETH:  (from the security office)  I have Carter, he's on the roof with that no good FBI Phantom man.
RYAN:  (pointing)  Murdoc, that way.
MURDOC:  Are you sure?  The last time I left you alone, you fell off a roof.  **See Batman**
RYAN:  It's not in the script, this time.
MURDOC:  (doubtfull)  Right.  (runs off)

ROOF
*********
--Carter kicks Mulder down a set of stairs--

KRISTI:  Ouch, that's gotta hurt.
MULDER:  It does.  I think I broke a rib.
DR CARTER:  (laughs)
MAGNETO:  (from the helicopter on a megaphone)  Stop!  Stay where you are!  This is the Chicago 
Police!  Put your hands in the air!!!
MULDER:  (yelling)  I thought you were DEAD!
DR CARTER:  (pulls out a lightsaber and grins like a maniac)  Better run, FBI Man!  I'm coming to get you!
MULDER:  (jumps to his feet and runs as Carter limps after him)
MAGNETO:  This building is totally secure!  I repeat, do NOT move!  Put your hands in the AIR!

--They shine a spotlight on Carter, nearly blinding him--

DR CARTER:  (yelling)  You wanna get the STUPID light out of my FACE!?  I'm trying to ACT here!
MAGNETO:  It's in the script!
DR CARTER:  Aren't you supposed to be dead?
AUTHOR:  Carter, you're supposed to be hiding from the helicopter, not yelling at it, now HIDE!
DR CARTER:  (grumbles, but complies)
MAGNETO:  I repeat, STAY WHERE YOU ARE!!!

--Meanwhile, back in the suite, Ryan has found the evidence of the fight between Carter and Mulder, and
he glances at Ardeth's scimitar on the floor, before picking it up and heading out to the balcony, where
he can hear the helicopter..--Carter runs out after Mulder, and Ryan walks onto the roof--

RYAN:  (into his radio)  Alright Bay, talk to me!
ARDETH:  You have my scimitar, I can see it on the camera.  What happened?
RYAN:  Carter must have lost it when Mulder hit him over the head with a chair.
BENTON:  (from the medlab doorway)  He did WHAT to Carter?!
RYAN:  He hit him over the head with a chair.
BENTON:  (angry)  Where's he at?
AUTHOR:  Benton, take a seat and let Carter fight his own battles.
BENTON:  (sits down in the Peanut Gallery with a glare)
RYAN:  Now where are they?
ARDETH:  They're out there, Ryan.  They're headed toward the North end of the roof.
RYAN:  To the North!  (runs down the stairs)  Bay, you gotta get that helicopter out of there!

--Down on the street, Angelus is in his car on a radio--

ANGELUS:  As soon as you get a shot, you take them both out!
TOAD:  (in the helicopter)  Which one?  Carter or Ryan?
ANGELUS:  (thinks about it)  Both.

ROOF
*******
--Mulder runs and hides behind something as Carter limps after him.  Mystique starts firing at Carter 
from the helicopter.  Carter dives for cover as bullets rain onto the roof.  Ryan runs around a corner--

RYAN:  (on the radio)  Ardeth, get rid of the helicopter!
ARDETH:  Why?
RYAN:  (glares at the radio)  What do you mean WHY?!  They're shooting at Carter!
ARDETH:  (aghast)  NO!
RYAN:  And they'd better not shoot me!
ARDETH:  (into a speaker-radio)  CPD, hold your fire!  My FRIEND is on the roof!!!  (thinks a moment)
Oh yes, and there's a US Psycho out there, too.  Hold you fire and call off the helicopter!

--Mystique fires at Ryan, hitting him in the shoulder--Ryan pulls out his gun--

RYAN:  (swears in Gaelic)  Die you mutant SCUM!  (aims for the center of the propeller and fires 
continually until the propeller explodes, knocking everyone in the helicopter unconsious as the chopper
plummets to the ground, landing with a loud crunch)  Shoot me, will ya?
DR CARTER & MULDER:  (run over to the edge to look down at the mess) 
MULDER:  Interesting.
DR CARTER:  Neat.
RYAN:  (still swearing)
CASSI:  Somehow I don't think he liked that.
AUTHOR:  Eh, Carter and Mulder, you're supposed to be fighting, and put that stupid LIGHTSABER 
away!!!
DR CARTER:  (does the Wolvie pout and clips the lightsaber to his belt, then punches Mulder in the gut, 
following it by a punch in the face)
BENTON:  Get him, Carter!

--Mulder runs and Carter tackles him.  They land on a glass skylight that overlooks the elevator shaft.
The glass breaks, but they don't fall through. Ryan runs toward them.  Carter lifts Mulder and punches
him, then he slams him down onto the glass again, this time, they fall through.  Mulder, falls through
the ceiling of the elevator, landing inside, while Carter lands on top of the elevator.--Ryan looks down 
the shaft just as the elevator starts descending--

MURDOC:  (runs up)  Ryan!  RYAN!  (notices Ryan's bloody shoulder)  I KNEW I shouldn't have left you
alone!  Who did that?
RYAN:  The idiot who was in the helicopter that is crunched on the ground.
MURDOC:  (nods, satisfied)  Well, good.
AUTHOR:  Ahem.
MURDOC:  (rolls his eyes and looks down the elevator shaft)  Does this guy ever quit?
RYAN:  Find out where that elevator stops!
MURDOC: (into his radio)  Ardeth!  ARDETH!  Northwest elevator!! Tell me where it stops!
ARDETH:  (looking panicked at the cameras, because he can't find Carter)  Where'd they GO!?  If that
FBI man has hurt him, I will KILL him!
AUTHOR:  Scene change!  We go to the elevator.

--Mulder wakes with a start, and jumps to his feet, then he groans with pain.  He pushes the stop button
and the elevator grinds to a halt.  Carter is still unconcious on the top of the elevator.  Mulder gets out 
and goes into the laundry area.--Back at the Security Office, Luke points at the screen--

LUKE:  They stopped at the fifth floor.
ARDETH:  (into the radio)  They stopped at the fifth floor.  (turns to Luke)  What's on the fifth floor?
HAN:  Laundry.
ARDETH:  You are certain?
HAN:  It's in the script.
ARDETH:  Right.  (into the radio) It's the laundry.

--Ryan and Murdoc are now running down the stairs, toward the specified floor--

ARDETH:  (from the radio)  Murdoc, Ryan, they stopped at the laundry.

--The elevator door is now closing, but it is suddenly stopped by Carter's very bloody hand.  Carter
pushes the door open and stumbles through, then he limps behind some bins, in search of Mulder, 
walking under a bunch of laundry bags.  Mulder goes for another elevator, but finds the gate closed and
locked.  He shakes his head and turns around.  The camera flashes to Carter, who is still moving amongst
the laundry bags.  Mulder begins walking between some big metal containers.---Ryan and Murdoc have 
just reached the fifth floor--

MURDOC:  (into radio)  Cash, Storm, we're on the fifth floor, what's your twenty?

--An elevator dings and opens to their left, and Cash, Billy, and Storm step out of it--

CASH:  Right behind you.
CASSI:  So we see.
CASH:  What the..(glances at the Author, who gives a Look)...beep is going on here?
RYAN:  (swears in Gaelic)
BILLY:  Did someone shoot you?
MURDOC:  Don't worry, they didn't live to tell about it.
BILLY:  Somehow, that doesn't surprise me.
RYAN:  You have to get the CPD out.  They're much too hot to suit me.
SPIKE:  Not like we wanted to help you anyway.
ANGELUS:  (grumbles)
RYAN:  Hey, Angelus!  I owe you a death, and I WILL take it!
ANGELUS:  Try it.
AUTHOR:  (yelling)  Later.  Script now.  We're almost finished!
RYAN:  I want you to get rid of all these people, okay? (he points at the Warners, who are dressed as 
laundry maids, and are making a mess with the soap and water)
WAKKO:  (singing)  Siiiigin' in the rain!!!!
YAKKO:  Woo-HOOO!!! CANNONBALL!!!!  (jumps into a bucket of water)
DOT:  You got my DRESS wet!!!
STORM:  Alright, children.  Swim time's over.  Time to go now.

--Her voice fades off as the camera follows Ryan and Murdoc, who head toward the laundry storage area--

RYAN:  Murdoc, you come with me.
MURDOC:  Wouldn't have listened had you told me to stay with them.  I don't trust Mulder.  Carter is 
insane, so he's fine.
RYAN:  I'll be fine!  You should be worried about yourself!
MURDOC:  Piece of cake.  Nobody hurts me.
JARETH:  That's what you think.  You said the bad words.
MURDOC:  (glares)

--Murdoc takes his jacket off and sets it to the side.  The camera switches to Carter, who sees a shadow 
and moves to hide--

DAVE:  He's jumping at shadows now.
BENTON:  Shut up, Mallucci, or I'LL kill you.
DAVE:  You're as bad as Carter.
BENTON:  (grins insanely)  Not yet, but soon!  After all, he IS my friend.
AUTHOR:  Stop arguing or I'll find roles for you two to act in!  I've got a spoof coming up that needs lots
of non-essentail people.
BENTON:  Uhhh...
DAVE:  What spoof?
CASSI:  That one we ain't sayin' till later.
AUTHOR:  Yep, no telling.  Now SCRIPT!

--Murdoc and Ryan split up and move to opposite sides of the room.  Murdoc has his gun drawn, and 
Ryan walks around a corner and looks around then goes another way.  Murdoc moves through a steam-
filled area. Carter stops when he sees another shadow.--Ryan walks among the laundry bags, and Carter
looks around a corner and sees Jubilee staring out a window, and listening to a walkman, while chewing 
gum.  He backs up and goes another way.  Ryan moves under more laundry bags--

LOGAN:  Not a bad role for Jubes.
SCOTT:  It fits her I.Q.
LOGAN:  (decks Scott, knocking him cold)  Don't ever make fun of her.
CASSI:  Maybe Logan like her more than a daughter.
AUTHOR:  It's been speculated, after all.  He's not gonna age much and reall, once Jubilee's 20, it won't
make any difference.  Oh wait, maybe she IS twenty....Don't have a clue.  I haven't been reading the comic
books in a while.  Maybe one of our readers would care to give us that information...**hint-hint**  Any-
way, back to the script!
RYAN:  (shouting)  Dr. John Carter!
DR CARTER:  (stops to listen)
RYAN:  (stillshouting)  There's no way out of here, John!
DR CARTER:  Da-uh!  (continues listening)
GERARD:  I don't remember Richard saying that.
KIMBLE:  I didn't.  But then, I wasn't insane.
AUTHOR:  (growls)
RYAN:  The entire building is locked down!  Give it up, John!  The Chicago Police department are a bunch
of blood-thirsty vampire morons!
SPIKE & ANGELUS:  HEY!
ALL:  (laughing)

--Murdoc moves around several large containers, while Carter laughs and moves around a corner--

RYAN:  They will probably shoot you on sight...after all, they had me shot.   Why would they spare you?
KRISTI:  Amusing.
JANEWAY:  In a sick sort of way.  
DR CARTER:  That's a good point.
CASSI:  You're not supposed to be talking.
DR CARTER:  Does it really matter?
AUTHOR:  Not as long as this spoof gets over.  Ryan, continue.
RYAN:  (shouting)  John, I know you're innocent!
MURDOC:  (also shouting)  Doesn't everyone?
DR CARTER:  (shouting, too)  Yeah, I thought everyone on set knew I didn't kill her!
RYAN:  (shouting back)  Just reading my script!
BIGGS:  That's not what happened, was it?
GERARD:  (gives him a brainduster)  No!  I was the only one shouting.
COSMO:  Yeah, I just got a concussion.
AUTHOR:  Quiet, Cosmo.  Script now!

--Carter rolls his eyes the gives a very fake hopful look--

RYAN:  (shouting)  I know about Krycheck!
MURDOC:  (moves through the steam)
RYAN:  (shouting)  I know about Dr. Fox Mulder!

--Mulder moves out from behind a metal bin with a scowl in his face.  He sees Murdoc and moves toward
a metal beam, grabbing it--

RYAN:  John, he borrowed your car on the night that Sarah was murdered.  He had the keys!  No forced
entry, John!
DR CARTER:  (gives an exaggerated relieved look)
MULDER:  (hurls the beam toward Murdoc then ducks out of sight)

--Murdoc turns at the sound, just in time for the beam to hit the upper part of his face.  He collapses to the 
floor unconsious.  Ryan turns at the sound, and Carter moves towrd Ryan's voice.--

CASSI:  Murdoc is sooo gonna kill Mulder for that one.
RYAN:  John, give it up!
NULDER:  (takes Murdoc's gun with a dertermined look on his face)
RYAN:  John, I'm either lying or I'm gonna shoot you....which makes no sense at all, because if he's lying, 
he's going to shoot him anyway.  What do you think?
GERARD:  Bad choice of words.
KIMBLE:  I figured out what you meant.
DR CARTER:  And I'm supposed to TRUST this guy?
AUTHOR:  Script!

--Carter moves closer to Ryan's voice, and picks up a long metal pipe, and moves ever forward--Mulder is
also moving toward Ryan's voice, from the opposite direction--

RYAN:  Give it up!! It's time to stop running!

--Mulder moves out of hiding and aims Murdoc's gun at Ryan's head.  Carter dives out of hiding and 
smashes the pipe against the backs of Mulder's legs, causing him to tilt backward and fire upward.  Ryan
turns with his gun drawn.  Carter then smashes Mulder over the head with the pipe.  Mulder collapses to 
the floor, unconcious.  Carter stares at him for a moment, then starts hitting him repeatedly until a loud
crack is heard, which would be Mulder's skull, as he is now very dead--Carter drops the pipe to the floor 
and Ryan steps forward after putting away his gun--

RYAN:  Are you alright, Carter?
DR CARTER:  (leans against a pole, and slides to the floor, exausted)
RYAN:  (sees the gun Mulder was going to shoot him with snatches it quickly, wide-eyed)  WHERE IS
HE!?  (he kicks Mulder's body, repeatedly) WHERE'S MY FRIEND!?!?  WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM!?
DR CARTER:  He can't tell you.  He's dead.  (pulls out his script)  It says he's over that way.  (points)
RYAN:  (bolts off to find Murdoc)

--Scene switches to outside the building, where Jessie and James, who have replaced Penny and Jonathan,
as the two of them are obviously otherwise occupied....anyway, Jessie and James are now reporting--

JAMES:  Who killed Sarah Williams Carter?
SPIKE:  We keep telling you people, she's NOT dead!
JESSIE:  They said a one-armed man did it, and now you have a one-armed....mess in the medlab.  Was 
that the guy who killed her?
SPIKE:  (exaperated)  She's NOT dead, people!  How many times do we have to say it!?
SARAH:  (waves from the Peanut Gallery and poses for pictures)
JAMES:  How many one-armed men are there around here, anyway?
ANGELUS:  Only one on this set...and he is very dead, right now.  Your "innocent" man sliced him apart.

--Murdoc is wheeled out of the building on a stretcher by Dr. Dave and Dr. Greene.  He has an oxygen 
mask over his nose and mouth and his forehead is bandaged--

MURDOC:  (holding an icepack to his forehead)  Tell the Evilauthors I'm going home now, and I'm 
taking a vacation.
CASSI:  Want your Oscar now?
MURDOC:  YES!  GIVE!
CASSI:  (hands him his Oscar and the meds wheel him away toward medlab)
STORM:  Clear this area!  Everybody clear!

--Ryan, Ardeth, Billy and Cash walk out with Carter in handcuffs.  Reporters start shouting questions--
Ryan has one arm in a sling, and the other is holding on to one of Carter's arms, while, Cash holds the
other.  Storm opens the door to Murdoc's Range Rover.  They help Carter in and Ardeth pushes Carter 
over so he can slide in with him.  Ryan gets into the other side--

RYAN:  Storm, where is the thing?  (pulls out his keys)  Let me see those hands, doctor.
DR CARTER:  (holds his hands up)

--With Ardeth's help, as Ryan only has one hand, they get the cuffs off of Carter's wrists.  Ryan throws 
them into the front seat, then takes a icepack from Storm and places it on Carter's hands--

DR CARTER:  I thought you didn't care.
RYAN:  Ardeth would kill me if I wasn't nice.
AUTHOR:  (growls)
RYAN:  (laughs)  I don't...don't tell anyone, okay?
CARTER & ARDETH:  (laughing)
RYAN:  I'm gonna bail now.  I have to check on Murdoc.  (exits the car and hurries to medlab, where
Murdoc is)

MEDLAB
*********
RYAN:  You okay?
MURDOC:  I'm going to kill Mulder.
BENTON:  (gives Murdoc a shot of Morphine)  Better?
MURDOC:  (grins)  Kill Mulder later....
RYAN:  Hey!  Give!
BENTON:  (sighs and gives Ryan a shot)
RYAN:  (laughs)  Wheee....now I know why Ardeth and Carter love this stuff so much!

CAR
********
DR CARTER:  (injects himself with morphine and gives Ardeth another shot)

--The two proceed to laugh and sing--

CASH:  (to Storm)  Are we stuck with them?
STORM:  Is the movie over?
AUTHOR:  Just drive them to medlab, and then you can go.
CASH:  (drives the Range Rover over to medlab and he and Storm get out and leave Ardeth and Carter in
the back, laughing)

THE END
***********
AFTER THE SPOOF
*********************
STRANNIX:  Where's Ryaback?
AUTHOR:  He didn't show.  Sorry.
STRANNIX:  Figures.  Never mind.  I enjoyed the spoof.  I'll get Ryback later.
SVEN:  Okay, if that's the way you feel.
ASH:  I'm glad these spoofs are over.
CASSI:  Alright, time for the Oscars.
CHRIS: First off, Ryan Gaerity!
RYAN:  (smiles and takes his Oscar with his good arm)  Thankyou very much!  (shows it to Murdoc,
who-after having decided to stay for the end-is seated in a wheelchair, holding his own Oscar)  
SVEN:  Ardeth, Carter, you both deserved them.
DR CARTER:  (walks over without his crutches, as does Ardeth, both looking much better)

--They take their Oscars and bow--

CHRIS:  Fox Mulder!
MUNGO:  (walks out of medlab)  Mulder would 'ave been 'ere, 'cept tha' jus' before the miracle pill took
effect, somebody slammed their 'unting knoife through 'is 'eaht.  (holds up Murdoc's knife)
MURDOC:  I said I was going to kill him.
SVEN:  Umm, give it to him once he comes back...again.  (hands Mungo Mulder's Oscar)
SCULLY:  I'll wait with him.
SVEN:  Okay.  (hands Scully an Oscar)  You earned it.
SCULLY:  (grins)  Thankyou.
CHRIS:  Gabe Cash?
CASH:   (walks forward and takes his Oscar)  Thankyou!
CASSI:  Storm!
STORM:  Really?  (grins and accepts her award)
AUTHOR:  Billy Colton?
BILLY:  Alright!!!  (takes his award and waves it in front of his brother's faces)  That's TWO!  **Spike in
Tights**
SVEN:  Alright, that's all.  The rest of you were good, but we can only give out so many.  Maybe next time.
And remember!  Come back for the next set of spoofs!!!

--The cast members begin to clear out, and Chris wheels his stepfather out with Ryan at their side..--
Ryan would have done the pushing, but he only has one arm and the other is full of his Oscar, so Chris
decided to exert himself-- After about twenty minutes, the set is about all cleared out--All that have died
have been brough back, and have left, as have the ER crew....with the exception of Benton, who is talking
with Carter and Ardeth...they all exit together--

SVEN:  Well, that was interesting.
CASSI:  Yeah.
STRANNIX:  I had a lot of fun.
SVEN:  So I guess we get to the next ones, ey?
CASSI:  Yep, on with the show! 

--They exit together--

BOB:  (smiles and turns the camera off)  That was fun!

--Unseen by the all, two Jawas in gray cloaks quickly exit the set, carrying with them a load of food, that
has been boosted from the Jawa's snackstand--

THE VERY REAL END
*************************