PEREGRIN, A "WILLOW" SPOOF By Sven (evilspoofauthor1) Parody of "Willow" starring Warwick Davis and Val Kilmer ******************************************************************************** DISCLAIMER: All in the cast. We don't own them....unless they sell their souls to us, then they owe us a year of service....at least. Anyway, original characters owned by Cassi, Sven, and Caillean Greywolf. We love Stephan and we very much thank Caillean for loaning him to us. Enjoy people. ****************************************************************************** Important note!!! Technically, this section, part 3 of Mummy Returns, and pt 2 of Lost World are not supposed to be posted until the next part of Heir to the Spoof is up.....Well, unfortunately, Sven is working all the time, and hasn't had time to type that section. I (Cassi) was able to finish this part here, but I can't type in Heir, as Sven is revising it as she goes, and I don't know what changes she's making to it. So until Sven has the time to type in Heir, just enjoy these next sections....and of course let us know what you think of Peregrin!!! ********************************************************************************* CAST SHEET **************** WILLOW UFGOOD......................................................Peregrin Took "Pippin" (LotR) MAD MARTIGAN.......................................................Chris Knight "Mad Chris" (Real Genius) SORSHA.........................................................................Fred (Angel Season 3?) FRANJEAN....................................................................Spike (Buffy) ROOL..............................................................................Xander Harris (Buffy) ELORA DANON...........................................................Connor Angel (Angel's son as a baby) FIN RAZEL....................................................................Gandalf the White (LotR) AIRK THAUGHBAER.................................................Legolas Greenleaf (LotR) QUEEN BAVMORDA..................................................Imhotep Mummy (Mummy) GENERAL KAEL..........................................................Victor Creed "Sabretooth" (X-Men) MEEGOSH.....................................................................Meriadoc Brandybuck "Merry" (LotR) BURGLECUT................................................................Snaggletooth (X-Baby) VOHNKAR...................................................................Frodo Baggins (LotR) KIAYA UFGOOD........................................................Jemima (Cat) CHERLINDREA...........................................................Buffy Summers (Buffy) RANON UFGOOD.......................................................Wolvie (X-Baby) MIMS UFGOOD..........................................................Shadowkitty (X-Baby) THE HIGH ALDWIN..................................................Jareth (Labyrinth) NELWYN WARRIOR 1..............................................Baby Bishop (X-Babies) NELWYN WARRIOR 2..............................................Samwise Gamgee (LotR) NELWYN CANDIDATE 1..........................................Pouncival (Cat) NELWYN CANDIDATE 2..........................................Tumblebrutus (Cat) BARMAID (WIFE OF LLUG).....................................Dawn Summers (Buffy) LLUG..............................................................................Porthos (Musketeers-Oliver Platt) DEATH DOGS..............................................................Neverwolves (Cassi's) THE NOCKMAAR ARMY.........................................Vampires and mummies ETHNA THE MIDWIFE.............................................Willow Rosenburg (Buffy) DRUID PRIEST 1.........................................................Lorne (Angel) DRUID PRIEST 2.........................................................Angel (duh) DRUID PRIEST 3.........................................................Westly Wyndham Price (Angel) MOTHER OF THE BABY..........................................Cordelia Chase (Angel) WILLOW'S DISAPPEARING PIG............................Stephan as a falcon (Caillean) EBORSISK DRAGON.................................................As itself FAIRIES........................................................................Labyrinth Fairies BROWNIES..................................................................Brownie sized Bamfs TROLLS........................................................................Orcs and real trolls VARIOUS NELWYNS ********************* X-Babies, Hobbits, Jellicles, and Brotherhood of Mutant Bullies. VARIOUS PEOPLE AT THE TAVERN ********************************* CC Babcock (Nanny), Luke Skywalker (StarWars), Mara Jade Skywalker (StarWars), Charles Gunn (Angel), Rupert Giles (Buffy), Han Solo (StarWars), Jonathan Carnahan (Mummy), Logan (X-Men), Kurt Wagner (older--X-Men & Excalibur), Corsair (X-Men), Scott Summers (X-Men), Aramis (Musketeers), ....and anyone else we happen to draft into it. MEDICAL TEAM ******************* Mungojerrie, Rumpleteazer (Cats), Abby Lockhart, Susan Lewis, David Malucci, Peter Benton, Cleo Finch, Doug Ross, Carol Hathoway, Luka Kovac(ER), Dr. Hologram, 7of 9(Voyager), Kerry Weaver, Jing Mae Chen (ER), Sam Daniels, and Major Salt (Outbreak) AUTHOR'S ASSISTANT: Chris Mason (Cassi) PEANUT GALLERY **************** Cassi, Niles(asst), Prince John, Fran Fine Sheffield(Nanny), Maxwell Sheffield, Aragorn(lotr), Gimli, Samuel Gerard(USM), Cosmo Renfro, Robert Biggs, Anyanka(btvs), Glory Mummy, Darth Vader(SW), Leia Solo, Kristi(Domina), Penny Carnahan (MacGyver), Evelyn O'Connell(mummy), Alex O'Connell, Rick O'Connell, Jessie Musashi, James Morgan, Meowth, Ash Ketchum, Misty, Pikachu (Pokemon), The X-Men(du-uh!), Alan Grant, Ian Malcom (JP), The Warners(WB), Magneto, Toad, Hepzibah(Marval),Gabe Cash(Tango&Cash), Agent Jay(mib), Aramis(Musketeers), Lando Callrissian, John Carter(ER), Ardeth Bay(mummy), Murdoc(MacGyver), John Byers(Gunmen) Melvin Frohike, Richard Langly, Victor Von Doom(marval), Nikki Carpenter, MacGyver, Liam(James Dove)(Blown Away), Fox Mulder(X-Files), Dana Scully, Warren(trio), Jonathan(trio), Andrew(btvs), Daniel Ozborne"Oz"(BtvS), Talon Karrde(Timithy Zhan), Frank Donavon(UC)Tara(btvs), Alex Cross(UC), Roland(JP2), Burt Gummer(tremors), Micheal J. "Crocodile" Dundee.(duh) SECURITY ********** SUPERVISOR: Ryan Gaerity & Rufio (Blown Away & Hook) SECURITY GUARDS: Boba Fett (SW), Steve Raptor, Nick Raptor, Sara Raptor, Bridget Raptor, Ralph T-Rex, Mrs T-Rex, Bill Spino, Timmy Compy. (from JP 1-3 *personalities & names belong to evil authors) CAMERA CAT: Bob, the Bobcat (Cassi) BABYSITTERS(X-Men Evolution) Kitty2 Pryde"Shadowkat" Kurt2 Wagner"Nightcrawler" Evan"Spyke" Pietro"Quicksilver" Lance"Avalanche" Todd"Toad" ANIMAL TRAINERS: Wolfgirl (Cassi), Rufio, Krissy(AG)(Sven) CREW SHRINK: Dr Hannibal Lecter. (Silence of the Lambs) A/N: Niles Crane left after Jurassic Spoof, he didn't wish to return. You know being torn apart by a T-Rex and all. He didn't sign up to act. Anyway, Lecter is willing to take over as our shrink and is also willing to act. SPECIAL APPEARENCES BY: The Jawa Dink-Dinks (evilauthors), Abominable(looneytunes), Fiddles (Sven), Paul Sobriki(YEP!!!!) Elrond Halfelven, Arwen Evenstar (LotR)........and of course we always have surprises. BEFORE THE SPOOF ***************** --Author and Cassi enter.-- CASSI: That runt of yours had better be able to act. AUTHOR: I have a feeling he's quite good. SPIKE: Please tell me why you are starting another spoof when we haven't even finished Heir to the Spoof, Jurassic Spoof: The Lost World, Or The Vampire Mummy Returns? CASSI: Because Sven felt like it. Besides, this should be interesting for you. SPIKE: I've never seen this movie before. AUTHOR:(grins) EVEN BETTER!!!! SPIKE: Now I'm wishing I had. --Ardeth, Carter, and Aragorn enter in deep conversation.-- PIPPIN: So what's the spoof? AUTHOR: (jumps startled) DON'T DO THAT!! CASSI: They just appear out of nowhere don't they? AUTHOR: Yeah, like Murdoc. MURDOC: Did somebody mention my name? AUTHOR: (glares) Will you people stop doing that? MURDOC: (points at Pippin) He's not a people, he's a half a people........ CASSI: I thought he was coming........ AUTHOR: Hush! PIPPIN: (kicks Murdoc in the shin) I'm OVER half a person! CASSI: Yeah Murdoc, he's not that much shorter then you. MURDOC: (glares) Not funny. (stomps over to Ryan) ANGEL: Hey I heard my kid has a star role. GILES: Wait a second, I've seen this movie it calls for a girl child. ANGEL: My SON is not playing a GIRL! CASSI: Don't feel so bad, Imhotep is playing a woman also. IMHOTEP: WHAT?!? FRED: I have a star role? CORDELIA: That's great Fred. ANGEL: (reads cast sheet) You're playing my son's mother, Cordy. CORDELIA: I am? CHRIS: Well it's not like we can bring in his real mother. XANDER: Why is this spoof named after one of the runts? MERRY: Because he's the star! PIPPIN: You have a role also, Merry. MERRY: I noticed. CHRIS: Where is the other Chris? CASSI: Getting into costume. LEGOLAS: I see I have a role. JEMIMA: (bloodcurdling scream. She runs on set. She is in her cat-human form only she is the size of a hobbit) Why am I like this? CASSI: We needed you short. AUTHOR: HEY! Mr. King with all the names. Where is the Wizard and the other two midgits? ARAGORN: You mean Gandalf, Frodo, and Sam? AUTHOR: Well duh! ARAGORN: (shrugs) GIMLI: This place is a madhouse. --The X-babies come running through being chased by their babysitters. I would die before I'd take that job.-- KURT2: Come back here! --The rest of the cast and crew arrive while the Author and Cassi watch the X-babies torture their babysitters.-- CHRIS: (To the Author) The only ones not here yet are The wizard, the midgits, and Mr. "Mad"Chris --Frodo Baggins and Samwise Gamgee enter with Gandalf right behind them.-- AUTHOR: Ah! Good more victims. Everyone this is "Fra-doo Bagless", I mean Baggins, Samwise Gamgee, though he's not very wise, and this is "Gand-Alf" the White. CASSI: (snickering) Nice intro! SAM: Was that a compliment? SPIKE: He ain't very wise is he? AUTHOR: I said that now we need to start. CHRIS: What about "Mad"Chris and (points in Spike's direction) AUTHOR: Jareth could you turn Spike into a Brownie? CASSI: Um..... AUTHOR: WAIT! Not that kind of brownie. Shrink him to about 9 inches tall. SPIKE: BLOODY HELL!!!! NO WAY!! JARETH: (shrinks Spike) XANDER: (incoherent laughter) AUTHOR: Don't forget Xander. JARETH: (grins) XANDER: (stops laughing) NO WAY!!! JARETH: (shrinks Xander) SPIKE: (sticks his tongue out at Xander) BUFFY: Oh this is neat. AUTHOR: Jareth could you also turn Gandalf into a muskrat? **this is why we didn't have any problem with Lecter intimidating Gandalf.....he's a muskrat throughout most of these spoofs** GANDALF: WHAT?! AUTHOR: It's in the script. GANDALF: And just who is going to turn me back? AUTHOR: Pippin. GANDALF: (pales) Not him! He'll never get it right! JARETH: (changes Gandalf into a muskrat) Deal with it. PIPPIN: (sticks his tongue out) Maybe, I'll leave you like that. AUTHOR: We have to start. MADCHRIS: What about me? (he enters wearing dark colored suede leather pants. Black leather boots and a non-discript dirty tunic over the top. His hair is as long as Legolas' and has been died black. On his head are his antennas. Despite the ridiculous antennas, all the women on set are staring.) DOT: (shoots off a role of film) CHRIS: Can we start? AUTHOR: Yes, MadChris, go get in your birdcage. --MadChris salutes and exits-- THE SPOOF ************ AUTHOR: Ardeth could you narrate? ARDETH: (takes a script and begins reading) It is a time of dread seers have foretold the birth of a child who will bring about the downfall of the powerful.............(he breaks off and begins laughing) I cannot do this..... AUTHOR: What? ARDETH: Queen Imhotep..........(collapses into laughter again) ALL EXCEPT GLORY&IMHOTEP: (laugh incoherently) AUTHOR: (regains her composure) Oops! Typo, shall we continue? ARDETH: (continues) Seizing all the pregnant women in the realm the evil......(laugh)Queen...(laugh) I mean King....... IMHOTEP: (glares) ARDETH: (continues) Vows to destroy the child when it is born......... CHRIS: Nice intro. --We now see a dark and musty looking castle. A baby is heard crying. Willow Rosenberg, dressed as a nursemaid, is holding a baby-- FRED: Is it a girl--oops, I mean a boy? WILLOW: Yes. FRED: Show me its arm. ANGEL: Fred, my son is NOT an it! **That's HIS opinion!** FRED: Just following the script. WILLOW: She bares the mark. --The other women in their prison cells look away in sadness-- CORDELIA: (shrieking) NOOOOO!!! (she begins crying, hysterically) CONNOR: (starts crying) FRED: The omen is true. I must tell my....um...Father. --She leaves with Angel, Westly, and Lorne, who are dressed as Druids....except the fact that Angel is a mummy...anyway, they follow her.-- CORDELIA: (to Willow) Please help me. WILLOW: I can't. CORDELIA: They're going to kill him. --Willow makes a decision, and places the baby in the laundry basket, then covers it with clothes. Cordy takes a bundle of rags, making it look like she still has the child-- CORDELIA: Thankyou, madam. --She cries as Willow hurries out with the baby. Imhotep and Fred enter with the three...eh..Druids, just as Willow is leaving-- LORNE: (as a druid) Stand aside for King Imhotep. --Willow moves aside and bows, then hurries out once they pass her. The Neverwolves growl as she passes them in a rush. She makes it our of the castle, just as Imhotep, Fred and the three druids enter Cordelia's cell-- CORDELIA: You cannot stop the prophecy. ANGEL: This role so suits her. IMHOTEP: This child shall have no power over me. (to Angel, Westley, and Lorne) Start the ritual. WESTLY: You know you might want to check and make sure the baby's really there before you order us around for nothing. ANGEL: Like I'm actually going to let him sacrifice my child, anyway. AUTHOR: Read the script, Soul-Boy. The baby lives....otherwise, I wouldn't have used your precious child. ANGEL: (considers it) Alright... AUTHOR: Now script! --Imhotep approaches Cordelia, and she begins to shake-- CORDELIA: Nononono...(cries hysterically, clutching the rags to her) IMHOTEP: (grabs the rags) Where's the baby?! FRED: The midwife....eh...computer nerd. CASSI: Ooookaaay. BUFFY: No comment. IMHOTEP: (grabs Fred by the shoulders) Find that baby, Fred. Use the Neverwolves. Bring her...er him back to me alive! (pushes her from the room) CORDELIA: Your reign of terror is at an end! He will come back and he will finish you! ANGEL: Silence, wench! CORDELIA: (flatly) WHAT did you just call me? ANGEL: Ah come on, Cordy. I didn't mean it. I was only following the script. IMHOTEP: Kill her. ANGEL: WHAT!? NO WAY! LORNE: Not gonna happen. --Imhotep walks over to Cordelia and snaps her neck, then stomps out of the room--Angel lifts her up and carries her to medlab-- CASSI: She's gonna get an Oscar for THAT act. AUTHOR: Oh yeah, big time. --The scene changes, showing several shots of Willow traveling with the baby. She travels for leagues, through rock, snow, rain, forest, etc...Next we see her sitting with the child, when the bloodcurdling howls of the Neverwolves are heard. She runs for the river, and places Connor on a loose piece of earth, then pushes him downstream. Willow lets out a panicked whimper as the Neverwolves close in on her.-- HARLEY: *Should we kill her?* CASSI: (shrugs) Up to you. HARLEY: *You may go, young woman. We will not hurt you.* WILLOW: (stands and bolts to the Peanut Gallery, and jumps into Oz's arms and clings to him-) BUFFY: I guess she likes Oz again. SPIKE: Either that or it's because he's a werewolf, and she feels safer. AUTHOR: Whatever. Let's continue. --Connor floats along the river, way downstream until his "boat" catches on the bank by some rocks and branches. Connor looks around at everything around him. He sees a bird and coos-- DOT: (takes a picture) He's so cute. --Wolvie and Shadowkitty creep up to the bank. Shadowkitty taps small toys together, causing Connor to smile. Wolvie runs off, yelling.-- WOLVIE: Dada Pip! Dada Pip! SPIKE: Dada Pip? WOLVIE: Yeah, you're Daddy Spike, (points at Logan), He's Daddy Logan, and then there's Dada Pip. I have 3 daddys and two mommys. SPIKE: I won't ask. By the way, am I gonna get returned to normal size for the other spoofs? CASSI: (sarcastically) No, we're just gonna leave you like this, so all Angel will have to do is step on you. ANGEL: Now that waould be funny. Are you sure you won't let me do it? AUTHOR: No, and yes, Spike, you will be returned to normal size, just as Xander will. XANDER: Well, that's a relief. AUTHOR: Script now. --The scene changes to Pippin, who is plowing his land with a small pony-- AUTHOR: Where'd the pony come from? PIPPIN: A pig is too small. Besides, my family has lots of ponies. This is Camy. AUTHOR: (sighs) Continue. WOLVIE: Dada Pip! Dada Pip! PIPPIN: (to Camy) Woah. WOLVIE: Dada Pip, we found something in the river! SPIKE: Gee, we find lots of things in the river. PIPPIN: If you don't wait for your turn to act, BUG, they'll be finding YOU in the river! SPIKE: Was that a threat? PIPPIN: I will step on you! CASSI: (laughing) AUTHOR: This is amusing, but we must continue. Spike, go hang out with your Brownie buddy, Xander. You can annoy Pippin later when it's in the script. Continue! PIPPIN: I can't run off and play with you now, Wolvie, I've got work to do! GANDALF: (still a muskrat--laughing) That'll be the day. PIPPIN: (glares) Beat it, rodent. WOLVIE: You gotta come, Dada Pip. Hurry. (gives Bambi eyes) PIPPIN: (grins) Come on. (they both run to the river, where Pippin sees the baby) Don't go near it, we don't know where it's been. SHADOWKITTY: But Dada Pip, it's a baby. WOLVIE: Not like us. PIPPIN: (shaking his head) No, it's not an X-Baby...or a hobbit. It looks like a daikini baby. ANGEL: What is a daikini? AUTHOR: Don't take Wolvie's line. You'll learn soon enough. Wolive, say your line. WOLVIE: What's a daikini? PIPPIN: Daikinis are big giants who live far away. CONNOR: (coos) SHADOWKITTY: Aw, he's so cute. BUFFY: Looks like his father. ANGEL: (beams proudly) SPIKE & XANDER: (gag) BUFFY: Well, not right now, but when Angel looks normal... WOLIVE: Can we keep him, Dada Pip? PIPPIN: No! We'll push him downstream and forget we ever saw him. ANGEL: Like hell, you will. AUTHOR: Script! SNAGGLETOOTH: (yelling in the background) Took! Peregrin Took! PIPPIN: (to Wolvie and Shadowkitty) Shh, it's the prefect. That's all I need. Don't touch it. Keep it quiet. (leaves the river) --Out in the clearing where Camy still stands, a much smaller Jemima follows Snaggletooth-- JEMIMA: Mr. Tooth! My husband (cringes at the word) hasn't stolen anything! SNAGGLE: Aagh! --Pippin hurries and gets behind Camy again-- SNAGGLE: Took, you haven't paid your debt to me. Where did you get these seeds? SAM: Probably stole 'em. MERRY: (gives Sam a brainduster) He did not! SPIKE: Why not? He steals everything else. PIPPIN: That was Merry's idea! AUTHOR: Script! PIPPIN: Maybe I used magic. GANDALF, JARETH, STEPHAN & MISTO: (laugh incoherently) PIPPIN: (glares) SNAGGLE: (laughs) You're no sorcerer, Took! You're a clown! I sell the plant seeds around here! Now tell me where you got them! PIPPIN: (puts an arm around Jemima) My family's been gathering them in the forest since last fall. There's no law against that Mr. Tooth. MERRY: You've got to watch them Tooks. They do some pretty crazy things. ARAGORN: I heard the Brandybucks are about the same way. AUTHOR: I don't care! Script now! --Wolvie and Shadowkitty are heard laughing in the distance-- JEMIMA: Peregrin! You didn't leave them alone by the river, did you? (hurries toward the river) SNAGGLE: Maybe he's hoping they'll fall in. AUTHOR: Ahem! SNAGGLE: Right. (grabs Pippin by his shirt) I will have this land, Took, and you're gonna end up working in the mines. PIPPIN: (punches Snaggle, knocking him cold) Threaten ME, will ya? (then he hurries to the river) --He finds Jemima holding Connor and smiling-- JEMIMA: (to Connor) Oh, you're so cute, yes you are. PIPPIN: (shocked) Jemima! That baby's half VAMPIRE...er...is it all vampire...anyway, he might BITE! JEMIMA: Oh Pippin, he's so sweet. (to Connor) You're a good boy, aren't you? Yes you are! CONNOR: (coos happily) PIPPIN: Absolutely, under no condition, is anyone in this family allowed to fall in love with that baby. WOLVIE: Well, actually, Shadowkitty and me are related to him. Spike is our Daddy, and that baby is his Uncle-Nephew....that makes him our Great....Uncle-cousin. PIPPIN: WHAT?! AUTHOR: He lost me. JEMIMA: (ignores everyone) Yes...(to Shadowkitty) Come on, Shadow (to Connor) Yes you are... --Jemima, Shadowkitty, and Wolvie walk off, leaving Pippin behind-- PIPPIN: Hey! I will not be ignored! Wolvie? Shadow? --They ignore him--Pippin throws his arms up in disgust and follows them. Outside his Hobbit-hole, Pippin kicks the dirt before entering. Jemima is giving the baby a bath...she notices the tattoo on Connor's arm-- JEMIMA: What tattoo? AUTHOR: Pretend. JEMIMA: Peregrin, do you think we should take him to the village Counsel? PIPPIN: No, no. They'll think it's a bad omen. There'll be a flood or a drought.. MERRY: (interrupts) Hobbits aren't superstitious, and you know it, Pip. LUKE: Yeah, but the town's full of X-Babies, Cats, and Lost Boys. MERRY: Good point. PIPPIN: Excuse me, I'm trying to act here. SPIKE: Trying is the key word, there. PIPPIN: Move it, bug, or I'll step on you. SPIKE: When I get big again, I'm gonna... AUTHOR: Quiet, Spikey, you're not in this scene. SPIKE: (swears under his breath) AUTHOR: Pippin, continue. PIPPIN: Anyway, everyone will blame me for it. "Peregrin Took brought around that daikini, didn't he? That's right, he's that lousy farmer, too. Let's get him!" FRODO: Pip, you need a higher opinion of yourself. CASSI: Quiet, Fra-doo! JEMIMA: Peregrin, calm down. You're worse than Pouncie. PIPPIN: Calm down!? Jemima, tomorrow's my big day! JEMIMA: The Goblin King hasn't picked a new apprentice in years. JARETH: Why would I pick that Klepto-midget anyway? CASSI: You don't. It's in the script. AUTHOR: Let's continue. PIPPIN: Tomorrow's going to be different. I just know he's going to pick me. --Connor starts crying, and Jemima picks him up, and takes him over to Pippin-- JEMIMA: Here, hold him. PIPPIN: No, I don't want him, Jemima. JEMIMA: (hands Connor to Pippin, and the baby stops crying as soon as he is in Pippin's arms) WOLVIE: Dada Pip, he likes you. WESTLEY: (nudges Angel, who is still pouting because he's stuck as a mummy) Look. ANGEL: My son has weird taste. SPIKE: Maybe he's hungry. AUTHOR: Script! SHADOWKITTY: (laughs) --Pippin smiles at Connor, who coos back--Meanwhile, next morning, Pippin leaves the house, carrying his bag. Jemima waits out front, holding Connor-- PIPPIN: I'm not kissin' a cat! AUTHOR: Fine, just follow the script. PIPPIN: (gives Jemima a hug) Come on, kids, let's go. TOWN FAIR ************** --The town square is filled with X-Babies, Hobbits, Lost Boys, and small cat-humans. Pippin stands on a stage. On his arm, he places a hollow log with a small hole in it. Wolvie stands beside him holding an arrow that has an end lit on fire.-- WOLVIE: (hands the arrow to Pippin) PIPPIN: Thankyou, Wolvie. (turns to the crowd) If you're easily shocked, please turn away. CASSI: Pu-lease! you're talking to the crowd who watched the dinosaurs eating people. --Pippin slides the arrow through the hole in the log. It appears to go right through his arm. His arm is unharmed......however, the log catches fire, and Pippin shakes it off. It smacks Snaggle across the face-- Snaggle advances on Pippin, growling-- MERRY: (starts laughing and pointing) Hey, Snaggle, you're on fire. SNAGGLE: (jumps startled, and starts rolling on the ground) --This causes everyone there to start laughing.....especially since Snaggle wasn't really on fire. As soon as he realizes this, he attacks Merry, who is still a bit unsteady from his accident in the General Lee. Pippin, seeing his best friend and partner in crime in peril, draws his sword and attacks Snaggle. Snaggle takes Merry's sword and starts fighting with Pippin-- BUFFY: What do you know? He IS a Knight. --Snaggle is disarmed within seconds and Pippin holds his sword to the X-Baby's neck-- CASSI: (as Drusilla) Do i' again! Do i' again! JOHN: That was great, Per. PIPPIN: (is pleased and bows, proudly) **while all of you wonder why wasn't THAT in the real movie?** MERRY: Thanks, Pip. This morphine stuff has me a little tipsy. SPIKE: (mutters under his breath) Stupid pipsqueak. LOGAN: I'm impressed the runt can hold his own. SPIKE: (yelling) Against an X-BABY! ARAGORN: That "runt" held his own against orcs and he was brave enough to jump onto the back of a cave troll and stab it in the head. CASSI: Yep. I seen it in the theater......five times. **this was because Sven was planning to spoof it and needed to take ideas** PIPPIN: Wha's a theater? CASSI: It's like watching a video on a really big screen with a big crowd and a sticky floor. AUTHOR: Never mind. Let's continue. --At the fair, everyone is pretty much doing their own thing. Lost Boys are having food fights, the Cats are chasing mice, and the Hobbits are dancing....the X-Babies, naturally, are fighting. On the stage, Pippin stands with Stephan as a falcon, perched in front of him-- PIPPIN: And now for my final amazing feet. I will make this entire pig disappear. STEPHAN: (changes back into his normal form) I am NOT a pig! JARETH: That remains to be seen. **don't you love sibling rivalry?** STEPHAN: (glares) Not funny. AUTHOR: It was another typo. We're sorry. --Stephan returns to his falcon form and resumes his spot on the perch, and Pippin throws a cloth over him-- GANDALF: This is pathetic. PIPPIN: (glares) I can do this. (frowns down at his script) Um....Whuppity...bar-in...dru..DRU! **in case you couldn't tell, that was badly butchered** DRU: Wha'? --There is a large puff of smoke and Pippin pulls back the cloth. Stephan is still seated on the perch..... except that he is now a toucan.-- JIMMY B: Wow, Falkie Falkie really IS a Tookie Tookie. STEPHAN: Very funny. Now change me back. JARETH: (laughing) Oh that's great! PIPPIN: Um....I don't know how I did it. GANDALF: You said the spell wrong, you fool. You read the words wrong! PIPPIN: (starts crying) STEPHAN: Will someone please turn me back? JARETH: (is too busy laughing) MISTO: (shoots a lightning bolt at Stephan, changing him back into a falcon) STEPHAN: (shifts back to his human form) I wanna know why he was able to change me! GANDALF: Luck? STEPHAN: (glares and stalks off the set) SNAGGLE: Now that was funny. PIPPIN: (is still crying) AUTHOR: Now look what you did. You EVIL wizard! He didn't mean it! CASSI: You made him cry! Apologize or you'll STAY a muskrat! GANDALF: (sighs) Alright, Peregrin. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I think you'd make a wonderful wizard. You just need practice. PIPPIN: (sniffles) You mean it? GANDALF: (sighs again) Yes. PIPPIN: (smiles that cute little smile of his) SNAGGLE: (rolls his eyes) I've seen enough. (leaves) --In the middle of the square, several goblins carry Jareth in on a beautifully designed wooden throne-- TOO SMALL: (yelling) Attention! His Majesty, King Jareth, will now make his choice for his new apprentice. Bring forth the hopefuls. --Pouncival, Tumblebrutus, and Pippin head for the stage-- SNAGGLE: Peregrin Took? A hopeful? How'd he get picked? It this a joke? PIPPIN: (glares) RYAN: Actually, I was thinking more on the lines of how did POUNCIE and TUMBLE get picked? MURDOC: Good question. AUTHOR: I was bored. ARDETH: Pippin is not bad. He DID turn Stephan into a toucan....which was pretty funny. CARTER: Yep, he should try it more often. AUTHOR: Quiet, script now. --A few of the Brotherhood of Mutant Bullies around Snaggle laugh at Pippin-- JARETH: This is a lot of malarkey. AUTHOR: Well, it's in the script, so you have to say it. JARETH: Magic is the bloodstream of the universe. Forget all that you know....or what you think you know. LEIA: It sounds like the Force. SCOTT: Or the Farce. AUTHOR: Yes, I know. Script! JARETH: All that you require is your intuition. (he holds open hand up) The power to control the world is in which finger? PIPPIN: The one that's wearing the One Ring? FRODO: The Ring was destroyed. WAGNER: (whistles and draws his jacket closer around himself.....in a VERY conspicuous way) **Well really! If we're spoofing it, we have to HAVE it** AUTHOR: This is NOT Lord of the Rings! This is "Peregrin, a 'Willow' Spoof"! Now stop talking about that stupid ring! POUNCE: (steps up to Jareth and points at his middle finger) JARETH: (shakes his head) POUNCE: (hangs his head) TUMBLE: (points at Jareth's index finger) JARETH: (shakes his head) **thank God, too. The LAST thing we need is for the two of them to be wizards** PIPPIN: (moves forward with a bored expression on his face, and flips his middle finger at Jareth) If I was going to control the world, I'd use MY finger. GANDALF: (shocked) I don't believe it. JARETH: You're correct.....now stop flipping me off. (shakes his head) No apprentice this year. PIPPIN: (stares openmouthed) It's because it's ME, isn't it!? You don't like me! STEPHAN: Trust me, Halfpint, you don't want to be HIS apprentice anyway. PIPPIN: (doing the Wolvie pout) Nobody likes me! CASSI: The Author likes you. GANDALF: (still shocked) I don't believe it! That stupid fool of a Took has the skill to become a wizard! --Merry, Frodo, and Sam stare, surprised--**Now the question....did we give him this, or did he already HAVE it? You may never know** AUTHOR: Pippin, stop crying. Jareth was following the script, just as you should have been. PIPPIN: Really? JARETH: You've got what it takes. AUTHOR: Right now it doesn't matter. Script now! --The party resumes and the "hopefuls" walk away from the stage, disappointed--Suddenly, the bloodcurdling howl of a Neverwolf is heard. Willow whimpers and cowers against Oz.-- OZ: Not that I'm complaining, but can those guys give us some warning before they do that? AUTHOR: No. HARLEY: (runs into the fairgrounds, and starts tearing things up) PIPPIN: (runs up to Merry and Wolvie) Where's Shadowkitty? MERRY: She was right here. WOLVIE: Is she in trouble? PIPPIN: (sends Wolvie off with Merry, and starts searching for Shadow) SHADOWKITTY: (is standing on a cart, whimpering) Kitty go ghostly. (sinks into the cart, and clutches her doll to her) HARLEY: (runs through and tears up a baby's crib) PIPPIN: (finds Shadowkitty, pulls her away from the cart, and they run and hide, watching as Harley reeks more havoc and then runs away before the "Warrior Hobbits" can get near him) CASSI: You didn't actually think we'd let them kill a Neverwolf, did you? SPIKE: Not a chance. **To kill a Neverwolf equals extensive trauma for the Wolfgirl. They are connected by a mind-link and if they die, she feels it. We are NOT doing that to her.** WOLVIE: (runs for Pippin) Dada Pip! Dada Pip! FRODO: (picks up the destroyed crib) They were looking for somebody's baby! HARLEY: (Indignant) *I wouldn't have hurt a baby!* AUTHOR: We know. Now script! SHADOWKITTY: (looks at Pippin with scared eyes) Mommy Jemima? PIPPIN: (sets Shadowkitty down) JEMIMA!!! (runs for his Hobbit Hole) JEMIMA! JEMIMA: (holding Connor) I'm here. PIPPIN: (hugs her and looks at Connor) Jemima, we can't keep the baby. We have to take him to the Village Counsel. VILLAGE COUNSEL ********************** SNAGGLE: (yelling at the crowd) Silence! One beast we can deal with! But there may be more! They won't give up until they find what they're looking for! SKIMBLE: Who's to blame for this? DON'T ASK: We must find the culprit and throw him in the pit! CROWD: Yes! In the pit!!! PIPPIN: (hearing this, quietly turns around and starts walking out with the baby) JARETH: (sees him) Peregrin? Peregrin Took? Come forward. --Pippin comes forward with the baby, and a murmur goes through the crowd, as they are wondering where the child came from-- PIPPIN: Wolvie and Shadow found this baby alone by the river, Your Majesty. (lays Connor on the floor, and he (the baby, not Pippin) starts crying) JARETH: It's a Daikini child. SNAGGLE: That's what the beast wants. Let's give it back to them. --Angel strides in, covered in a black cloak, and picks Snaggle up by the front of his shirt--Snaggle stares right into Angel's decayed mummy face-- ANGEL: What did you just say you were going to do with my son!? SNAGGLE: I was followin' the script! Really! I didn't mean it! AUTHOR: Angel, put him down. Your son will be fine. ANGEL: (glares at Snaggle before dropping him to the floor and stalking out) EVELYN: I guess they really shouldn't make the Mummy mad. RICK: Oh yeah. XANDER: Do we really have to stay small right now? Our part doesn't come for a while. AUTHOR: Quiet! Script, now! PIPPIN: They'll kill him! You can't! HARLEY: (offended) *Didn't I just say I wouldn't have hurt a child?* PIPPIN: I know, but I have to follow the script. SNAGGLE: It isn't one of us! JARETH: This child is special! This child must be taken beyond the boundaries of our village. All the way to the Daikini crossroads. MADCHRIS: (over a radio) Yeah, and could you hurry? This cage is getting awfully boring. AUTHOR: Chris, be quiet. POCKETS: Who will do that? --Jareth begins to speak, but is cut off by Snaggletooth-- SNAGGLE: It seems only fair that the man who takes this baby to the crossroads be the very one who plucked it out of the river. I nominate....Peregrin Took. JEMIMA: Excuse me, but *I* plucked HIM out of the river, and I LIKE him! Maybe I want to take him! AUTHOR: NO! SCRIPT! CROWD: Yeah! JARETH: (shakes a container) I will consult the bones. (whispers to Pippin) You know these things are a load of hooey? (he tosses the bones on the ground) The bones tell me nothing. (he looks at Pippin) Do you have any love for this child? PIPPIN: No, not really. ANGEL: (from the edge of the set) Ahem!? (growls) PIPPIN: (swallows) Yes. JARETH: I'm getting very bored. AUTHOR: Do I look like I care? MADCHRIS: (over radio) Please hurry. (dramatically) If you don't get me out of here, I'm gonna die! (moans) Please help me! CASSI: Very funny. AUTHOR: Chris, we're getting there. Relax. MADCHRIS: Alright, I'll be quiet. Just tell those runts to get a move on! CHRIS: This is pretty fun. AUTHOR: You're just glad to be my only assistant again. CHRIS: (cheesy grin) AUTHOR: Script! JARETH: Do I have to say this? AUTHOR: Yes. JARETH: (sighs) The bones have spoken. Peregrin Took, the safety of this village depends on you. SAM: We're screwed. SNAGGLE: I second that. CHRIS: Either you get it right, or Bill gets fried Hobbit and X-Baby. SNAGGLE: Praise the bones! CROWD: Praise the bones! JARETH: But you will need help. Now who has the courage to protect our brave fellow on his journey? SPIKE: He's a Knight, let him protect himself! MERRY: Quiet, bug! SPIKE: (growls) MERRY: I'll go with him. SAM: It figures. SNAGGLE: Ah Merry. Excellent choice. FRODO: I'll go. CROWD: Frodo! SAM: No, not you, Mr. Frodo! SNAGGLE: NO, not Frodo! He's the best warrior in the village! MERRY & PIPPIN: (incoherent laughter) **lets face it. How much did you see this guy even fight in the movie?!** FRODO: (glares) SNAGGLE: We need him here. Frodo, step back! FRODO: Why? The script says I go. SAM: But Mr. Frodo! Not another adventure! AUTHOR: Quiet, Mr. Gamgee. CROWD: Not Frodo! JARETH: (gives Snaggle a devilish look) All this expedition needs is a leader. And according to the bones, that leader is YOU, Snaggletooth! SAM: I'm gonna die. SNAGGLE: WHAT!? CASSI: He said it's YOU, dummy! SNAGGLE: (yelling) FRODO!!! --In the main square, the travelers are getting their gear together, and Jareth walks beside Pippin-- JARETH: What's your problem, son? PIPPIN: I'm not your son, and I'm not that young. JARETH: (flatly) Compared to me, you're a toddler. PIPPIN: (frowns) AUTHOR: Script! PIPPIN: How do you mean? JARETH: When I held up my fingers, what was your first impulse? PIPPIN: Well, it was stupid. JARETH: Just tell me. PIPPIN: To blow the whole thing off and find some food. **And we're what, surprised by this?** JARETH: Figures. Why didn't you? PIPPIN: I don't know. It was funnier to filp you off.....besides, I was right. AUTHOR: Just get it right. You were supposed to guess wrong. Pretend you did. PIPPIN: Alright fine....(in a monotone) To pick my own finger. JARETH: That was the correct answer...as if you didn't know...You lack faith in yourself. More than any- one on the villiage, you have the potential to become a great sorcerer. SAM: (laughs) PIPPIN: (glares) Quiet, Samwise, or I'll turn you into a stink-beetle. SAM: (laughs harder) CHRIS: Bill's hungry. BILL: (wags his tail and nods) Yep yep, I'm hungry! JARETH: Now when you're out there, listen to your own heart. (hands Pippin a few crystals) These will protect you. PIPPIN: Marbles?! JARETH: They're not marbles. They're crystals, and they're magic. PIPPIN: They look like marbles to me. JARETH: Well, they're not. Anything you throw them at will turn to stone. You have much to learn, Young Took. PIPPIN: Everyone's been saying that. GANDALF: It would do you good to listen for once. PIPPIN: (nods and sighs) Is that all? JARETH: (looks at Gandalf) Looks like you're going to be stuck like that. PIPPIN: (glares and kicks Jareth in the shin before running off) JARETH: Stupid Hobbit. --The group is now all together, in the square, saying goodbye to their "families". Pippin is standing with Wolvie and Shadowkitty, with Jemima not fer behind them-- SHADOW: Are you scared, Dada Pip? PIPPIN: No. WOLVIE: Even with fairies in the woods-- SPIKE & XANDER: (incoherent laughter) WOLVIE: (continues, ignoring Spike and Xander)...that will put you to sleep for a hundred years? XANDER: I'd be scared of a fairy putting ME to sleep. PIPPIN: Why? They're just bugs with wings. XANDER: Different kind of fairy. PIPPIN: Huh? AUTHOR: Script! PIPPIN: Doesn't bother me. WOLVIE: What about Brownies? CASSI: I could use some chocolate ones....especially the Mississippi mud ones. AUTHOR: Cassi! CASSI: Sorry, that just slipped right out. Bad me. AUTHOR: Wolvie means Spike and Xander. PIPPIN: Bugs. SHADOW: Dragons? WOLVIE: Trolls? Trolls that will skin you alive and take your face off? PIPPIN: Trolls? (wrinkles his nose) Like the ones on Middle Earth? CASSI: No, they're like furry orcs, but not as smart. PIPPIN: Yuck. AUTHOR: Get it right, Halfpint. PIPPIN: Wolvie, you know I hate trolls. Especially the cave trolls. WOLVIE: I can be your guard and snikt anyone who comes near. PIPPIN: I don't need a guard. GANDALF: Just a keeper. (mutters) Stupid Took. SHADOW: I wanna go! If he does, it isn't FAIR! PIPPIN: This is stupid. CHRIS: Say it, or you're Bill's snack. BILL: (looks horrified) NO!!! Can't eat Author's pet! PIPPIN: (offended) I am NOT a pet! AUTHOR: Quiet, or you'll get eaten. PIPPIN: (sighs) CHRIS: Script now, shorty! PIPPIN: (overdoing it) What a lucky father I am! LOGAN: (flatly) About as lucky as I am. WOLVIE: I don't like you, Gorilla. I like Daddy Spike and Dada Pip. AUTHOR: SCRIPT! NOW!!! PIPPIN: I wish I could take you two X-Babies with me...so my life becomes a living torture, and I kill myself after one day. AUTHOR: (flatly) Not funny. WOLVIE: I'm not gonna hug him now! Mommy Buffy! Dada Pip doesn't love me! He only loves that stupid baby! AUTHOR: Alright, get out'a here, Wolvie and Shadow. WOLVIE & SHADOW: (stalk back to the kid-room, shooting spitwads at Donovan and Cross on the way) **Frank Donovan and Alex Cross are still tied up in the corner from Lost World, by the way...you didn't think they'd escaped, did you? They're too afraid Security will take them to join Cody and the SWAT team** JEMIMA: (ties the pouch holding Connor on Pippin's back closed) I hate this part. CHRIS: Bill? BILL: Catfood, yum. JEMIMA: (quickly to Pippin) We've never been apart. I miss you already. BUFFY: Wow, and he's not even gone yet...almost doesn't make sense. SPIKE: Makes sense to me. BUFFY: Quiet, bug. SPIKE: (swears and stomps off) Stupid movie. AUTHOR: Script now! PIPPIN: Don’t' worry, Jemima. I'll be fine, and I'll be back before you know it. JEMIMA: (quietly) That's what I'm afraid of. PIPPIN: (suspicious) What was that? JEMIMA: (singsong voice) Nothing! CHRIS: Ahem. JEMIMA: Well, remember to keep hope warm and here...(hands him her favorite kitty toy...a beat up old toy mouse) It'll bring you luck. PIPPIN: (holds it up by the tail, and stares at it) Uh...thanks...I think. --As they finish hugging and saying goodbye, Jareth stands nearby, twirling a crystal-- JARETH: Good brave...(snicker) people, the outside world is no place for a hobbit, or an X-Baby. Give the baby to the first daikini you see, then hurry home. MERRY & PIPPIN: Bu' where's the fun in that? SAM: Don't listen to them, Mr. Jareth. They're not right in the head. MERRY & PIPPIN: (exchange a look before tackling Sam and making a small hobbit pile up of a fight) AUTHOR: Misto? MISTO: (freezes them in place) AUTHOR: Are you done? --All three nod and Misto releases them-- CHRIS: Good, let's continue. --As he walks off, the fight continues-- SVEN: Figures. --As soon as the fight is finished the second time...Jareth throws a crystal up in the air, and it becomes a bird-- JARETH: Go in the direction the bird os flying. SNAGGLE: It's going back to the village. JARETH: Stupid bird. CASSI: Yep. WOLVIE: Does that mean the journey's over? JARETH: Ignore the bird. Follow the river. FRODO: Lets move out. MADCHRIS: Are they any closer to coming here? My bottled water's running out, and my microwave and fridge keep giving my television blue and purple lines. CASSI: Nice to know what he's doing in there. XANDER: Hey, I saw Willow. That cage was NOT that big. KRISTI: So? And one of the Brownies wasn't a vampire, either. CASSI: While, we're on the subject, the star didn't have fuzzy feet either. PIPPIN: Can we continue? I'd like to get away from the village. AUTHOR: Hey Chris, how's the generator holding up? MADCHRIS: Not bad. KRISTI: How'd he fit all that in there? MADCHRIS: I went for the larger model. AUTHOR: Script time now. --Baby Bishop and Sam carry some of the packs on a large branch, then there are several shots of them traveling, next thing we know, Merry and Pippin are carrying the packs and Connor is still strapped to Pippin's back.-- CONNOR: (starts crying) PIPPIN: Hold on, Merry. MERRY: What's wrong? PIPPIN: (shouting) We 'ave to stop! GROUP: (turns to stare at him) FRODO: Stop? Why? PIPPIN: The baby's sick. ANGEL: What?! (hurries in, still looking like a Mummy) AUTHOR: Get out of here! What are you trying to do? Scare your own child half to death just looking at him? ANGEL: If there's anything wrong-- AUTHOR: Out! Your kid will be fine! LECTER: (walks over to Angel and leads him from the room) Come with me...back to the castle. MERRY: (helps Pippin get Connor off his back) SNAGGLE: (walks over) He's not sick! Lemme see! (yanks Connor out of Pippin's arms) CONNOR: (throws up in Snaggle's face) SNAGGLE: (shrieks and hands the baby back to Pippin) OH YUCKY!!! BABY COOTIES!!! GET HIM AWAY!!!! YUCKY!!!(starts crying) --Frodo, Sam, Pippin, and Baby Bishop start laughing-- SNAGGLE: IT'S NOT FUNNY!!! (cries more) --This causes the others to start laughing harder, and Connor laughs and coos-- AUTHOR: Pippin, you have a line, and so does Merry. So stop laughing and act! PIPPIN: (smiles down at Connor, who coos back at him) MERRY: (smiles at Connor over Pippin's shoulder) PIPPIN: He'll be fine once he gets some rest. --Nearby, Baby Bishop is helping Snaggle clean his face-- SNAGGLE: (still yelling) AHHH, GET IT OFF!!! YUCKY BABY COOTIES!!! AUTHOR: Back to Queen...er...King Imhotep's palace. QUEEN....ER...KING IMHOTEP'S PALACE ************************************* IMHOTEP: (to Fred) I didn't ask you to bring me a dead nurse maid. Fred, you're useless! FRED: But I didn't bring-- AUTHOR: Pretend! FRED: (sighs) I'm backtracking the nursemaid's trail. I'll find where she hid the baby. SABRETOOTH: (walks in with an arrogant stride) IMHOTEP: Ah, General Sabretooth....at last. SABRE: My Queen....oops, soory. My King. IMHOTEP: (glares) PEANUT GALLERY: (snickers) SABRE: I have destroyed the castle at.........Mirkwood? LEGOLAS: He's done WHAT!? AUTHOR: Not for real, Leggo. LEGOLAS: Don't scare me like that! AUTHOR: Hey, it's where you come from, so it's where it has to be. LEGOLAS: (mutters something in elvish) CHRIS: Let's continue. IMHOTEP: Well done, but now I have another task for you. Help my daughter find that tiny helpless baby that continues to allude her. SABRE: The baby of the prophecy? The one who would destroy you? RICK: (laughs) If only we'd known that was all it would take. CASSI: Wishful thinking, Mr. O'Connell. The baby couldn't have helped you then. He wasn't born yet. GANDALF: Would you all quit talking and get back to acting? I'm tired of being a MUSKRAT! FRODO: It's kind of amusing though. SAM: Mr. Frodo! You're beginning to sound like your cousins! MERRY & PIPPIN: (grin) CHRIS: Am-scray, Hobbits! You're not in this scene! For that matter, neither is the muskrat! Get lost! **Just for the record, typist currently has the flu, and is high on muscle relaxers and sinus pills....Just so you understand why if I make more typos than usual, and don't catch them before uploading....seriously, people, do we look like we have time to reread the whole thing before uploading?...wait don't answer that. You can't look at us....oh well, you're not missing much. I look like a sick person with skunk-striped hair, no make-up, and a headache. Anyway, you wanted to read a spoof....right. Where the heck were we? Oh right, the hobbits were in the castle with a muskrat. On with the spoof--Cassi** IMHOTEP: I need that baby alive. I must preform the ritual that will exile the child's spirit into oblivion. Find her....I mean him. CASSI: Nice rehash of the plot. JOHN: They do that in a lot of movies. FRED: (Angrily) I don't need his help, Mo- I mean Father. IMHOTEP: You'll do as I say, child. --Fred puts her helmet on and she and Sabre leave the room-- WESTLY: (walking beside Imhotep) I read the signs. One day, I fear your daughter will betray you. IMHOTEP: I trust her loyalty more than I trust yours. **And as we all know, the old geezer was actually right in the real movie....makes the evil Queen look really stupid, don't it?** --Anywho, we're back to the Hobbits and X-Babies, who are actually back to where they're supposed to be. They are packing up for the morning, and they hear the bloodcurdling howl of the Neverwolves..... which obviously made them jump a few feet...along with everyone else on set.-- FRODO: Move! Into the bush! Come on! PIPPIN: Doesn't this seem familiar? --Sam and Merry nod in agreement, and they hide as several Vampires ride through-- VAMPIRE 46: The Hobbits have the baby. We searched the village, but a group of them are on their own somewhere. SAM: (spots something in the road and elbows Merry, who elbows Pippin) PIPPIN: (hands the baby to Frodo) MERRY: MUSHROOMS!!! --The trio scurries out of cover and converges on the mushrooms--**And we're what surprised by this?** FRODO: (rolls his eyes) Not again. VAMPIRE 23: Does this mean we caught them? AUTHOR: (annoyed) No. Merry, Pippin and Sam! Get back where you're supposed to be! TRIO: (ignores the Author and continues picking mushrooms) AUTHOR: Cassi, wanna help? CASSI: (grins) --The two evil Authors proceed to march onto the set and grab the three hobbits by their ears, and drag them back to their places...Sven snatches the bag of mushrooms, and hands it to a passing Jawa.-- AUTHOR: Make sure those stay away from those three until I'm satisfied they've done a good enough acting job. JAWA: Dink-dink. (walks off) AUTHOR: SCRIPT! VAMPIRE 27: They couldn't have gone far! Widen the search and report to Fred. --The vampires ride off set, along with the Neverwolves-- SNAGGLE: (breaths a sigh of relief) FRODO: Come. We'll keep to the woods. MERRY: (still upset about the mushrooms) Why are we never allowed to use the road? FRODO: (sweetly) Fine. Go ahead and use the road! And when you get caught, tell Queen Imhotep I said HI! IMHOTEP: (growls) MERRY: Woods sounds good, don't it, Pip? PIPPIN: (nods in agreement) --And we see them traveling and traveling some more.....boring..and they finally reach the crossroads-- FRODO: That's not the crossroads. AUTHOR: Not the ones in Middle Earth, dummy! FRODO: Oh right. My mistake. That's it! The crossroads! --They see a large wooden platform-type thing, from which several cages are hanging...one cage is noticeably larger than the others...**sorry, we switched him before this scene so he could do his part with- out the refrigerator...just seems less convincing with his improvements** The travelers ignore the large cage, and see a mummified corpse sitting in one of the cages....then they make camp, as if this is nothing out of the ordinary.-- FRODO: Keep this fire hot. We don't know what's out there. CONNOR: (whimpers) --A loud and high pitched annoying shrieking noise is heard. The hobbits jump startled and run to hide, but the X-Babies look at them confused.-- SNAGGLE: What are they scared of? It's just someone yelling. ARAGORN: (in the Peanut Gallery--looks disturbed) --Another annoying shriek is heard, then fade off in the distance. A howling is heard now.-- AUTHOR: Get out here, you chickens! FRODO: (pale and dripping sweat) That sound...it was-- AUTHOR: ACT! Forget the sound. It was probably someone poking fun at you. CASSI: Are they here ALREADY!? AUTHOR: (shakes her head) They're close, but not that close. Script. **Well duh! Of course it's them! We have the Ring, people! They're just a bit early, that's all..ignore them** PIPPIN: What was that? FRODO: Hurry, get the spears. MERRY: I don't like this. --Pippin looks around and backs up, as more howling is heard. He backs into a cage and is grabbed by Mad Chris Knight and lifted into the air-- MADCHRIS: Give me some water, Peck..or you die. Do you understand? Water. --The other Hobbits and X-Babies back away with their spears pointed at the cage....with the exception of Merry, who draws his sword and runs forward-- MERRY: (shouting) Put my cousin down, you dumb human! MADCHRIS: I'm not dumb, Peck! MERRY: I'm a Hobbit, not a PECK! PIPPIN: (bites Mad Chris, who drops him) Stupid human. ARAGORN: (snickers) CASSI: That's not how that scene was supposed to go. AUTHOR: That's what I get for casting Knights in those roles. --Pippin draws his sword, and he and Merry stand ready should Mad Chris try anything else...like he could actually jump out of the cage-- MADCHRIS: Just get me some water, Peck. --Merry and Pippin slowly back away from the cage, not taking their eyes off him-- MADCHRIS: Hurry up! Get me some water, you measly little pecks! SNAGGLE: A daikini! We're in luck! PIPPIN: We can't give her to HIM! MERRY: Someone put him in there for a reason! SNAGGLE: Took! We've got to get rid of him! Those soldiers are after us! MERRY: Shh. He's looking right at us. --They all turn to look at Mad Chris, who gives a cheesy grin-- FRODO: We've got to give that baby to someone! MERRY: Maybe we want to keep him. PIPPIN: Yeah. ANGEL: (from the doorway) MINE! LECTER: (takes Angel's hand and leads him away...again) GLORY: He really should think before he comes charging in looking like that. IMHOTEP: It would give the child nightmares. CORDEILA: (From the medlab doorway) The baby's father drinks blood. Don't you think he already has grounds for nightmares? AUTHOR: Quiet, story now. MADCHRIS: I'm somebody. MERRY: That's debatable. MADCHRIS: (glares) MERRY & PIPPIN: (glare back) BABY BISHOP: (points at the ridiculous antennas) Why are you wearing those things on your head? MADCHRIS: Because if I wear them anywhere else, they chafe. Now get me out of here. I'll take care of the baby. (makes kissy noises at the Connor, who looks at him like he's insane) SNAGGLE: I trust him completely. PIPPIN: But he tried to strangle me! SNAGGLE: Bonus! I wanna go home! PIPPIN: No, Snaggletooth, we should wait! SNAGGLE: Are you challenging my authority? PIPPIN: I will not be bossed around by a BABY! I'm a Knight of Gondor, and I will not put up with this anymore! SNAGGLE: (sneers) I bet that happened by accident! --Pippin's eyes narrow, and he growls. Before he jumps on Snaggle, Merry joins him and they both start beating him up-- CASSI: (yawns) If they keep this up, one of them will have to go to Abominable. --The fight stops cold-- SNAGGLE: Sorry, but he-- AUTHOR: Quiet! Pippin, say your line right! PIPPIN: As far as this baby's concerned, YES! MADCHRIS: Don't listen to him, Snaggletooth. SNAGGLE: Fine! You stay here alone, but we're going home! MERRY: Not a chance. AUTHOR: Merry, wait your turn. MADCHRIS: That's a bad idea. Very bad. Very dangerous things out there. --Another shriek is heard closer by, and all the Hobbits jump, startled-- AUTHOR: Wagner! WAGNER: Yes? AUTHOR: Um, why don't you run an errand off set for a while? WAGNER: (nods) Okay. (bamfs away, out of sight) **and if you want to know where he went, we mention it in the beginning of Fellowship of the Spoof, following this one** CHRIS: Alright, let's continue. SNAGGLE: Get the gear, men. PIPPIN: Frodo? SNAGGLE: It's not his decision! FRODO: (glares at Snaggle) I'll stay with my friend if I WANT to! SAM: And I stay with Mr. Frodo! AUTHOR: NO, you both go back with the X-Babies! Snaggle was right! It ain't your decision! Follow the script! FRODO: (does the Wolvie pout) CASSI: They learn quick, don't they? AUTHOR: (nods) ABBY: (from medlab door) Can I come out and watch? They have more than enough doctors in there! AUTHOR: Come on in, just be warned. Out here, you can be drafted to act at any given moment. ABBY: I don't mind. CARTER: Sit with us, Abby! ARDETH: Yes, join us, please! ABBY: (sits down with Carter and Ardeth) SUSAN: (glares from the medlab door) AUTHOR: Script! NOW! PIPPIN: Snaggletooth, you're Orc dung! MERRY: Yeah, smelly baby! You're ugly, too! SNAGGLE: (starts crying) MADCHRIS: Don't let them talk to you that way, Snaggletooth! SNAGGLE: (wipes his tears) Listen here, you RUNT! PIPPIN: (cuts in) I'm taller than you. SNAGGLE: (ignores him) While you're wasting your time here, your fields aren't getting planted. Think about it. PIPPIN: (angrily) Snaggletooth, I'm gonna-- SNAGGLE: You're gonna what? Hurt me? Make fun of me? (laughs) PIPPIN: Dreyu, melena carort!!! --With a puff of smoke, Snaggle is transformed into a frog-- CASSI: Impressive. ARAGORN: How? GANDALF: (sighs) JARETH: The halfpint's definitely got talent. LUKE: Um...can he change him back? PIPPIN: Oops......I don't know that one. JARETH: (sighs, and throws a crystal at Snaggle, changing him back) There, all done. SNAGGLE: (backs away from Pippin) You EVIL creature! MADCHRIS: Do NOT make that hobbit mad. CASSI: I'll say. CHRIS: Back to the script. SNAGGLE: Frodo, let's go. FRODO: (walks over to Merry) Merry, are you coming? MERRY: I'm staying. SNAGGLE: Figures. Come on, men. --They all begin packing out-- MADCHRIS: Snaggletooth, let me out of here! I'll take care of the baby, I swear! Just let me out of here, please! Frodo, let me borrow that spear, just for a minute....well at least get me some water! Snaggletooth! Don't leave me alone with these two! ARRG!! (sits down, frustrated) CONNOR: (starts crying) MERRY: What do we do now, Pip? MADCHRIS: How about letting me out? MERRY: Sorry, not in my script. At least not yet. PIPPIN: (sits down, bored) I'm hungry. AUTHOR: Script. MadChris, you'd better get it right. MADCHRIS: You want me to make FUN of HIM!? What if he changes me into a bug or something!? AUTHOR: It's not in the script! MADCHRIS: Neither was changing Snaggle into a frog, but that didn't stop him. AUTHOR: Get it right, or my assistant will turn you into fried Crispy Chris. CHRIS: (waves a flamethrower) MADCHRIS: (sighs) Fine. ( to Pippin) Well, that was really stupid, peck. PIPPIN: (glares) Don't call me a peck. MADCHRIS: Oh...I'm sorry.....peck. PECK! PECK! PECK! PECK! PECK! PIPPIN: You be careful. I'm a very powerful wizard! You see this crystal? I'll throw it at you and turn you into stone! MADCHRIS: Oooh, don't! I'm really scared! No! DON'T! DON'T! Somebody HELP!! There's a PECK here with a crystal pointed at me! PIPPIN: Oh, I wouldn't wanna waste it. MADCHRIS: HA! PECK PECK PECK PECK!!! PIPPIN: (turns angrily) I've changed my mind! (throws the crystal, changing Mad Chris into stone) MERRY: Wow. AUTHOR: (groans) You weren't supposed to throw it at him! CASSI: He was gonna waste one later, anyway. AUTHOR: Jareth, change him back. JARETH: (sighs, annoyed) That runt needs to learn some reversal spells. (throws a crystal at Mad Chris, changing him back) MADCHRIS: I TOLD you he'd do something! I'm not making fun of him anymore! AUTHOR: Alright, let's go to the next morning. PIPPIN: Hey! We skipped dinner...and supper! --The Jawas come in with their food carts, and sell food. Merry and Pippin get huge platefuls-- MERRY: Ah, dinner and supper together. PIPPIN: (nods and stuffs his face) MADCHRIS: Could somebody get me some food? My money didn't fit in this outfit. JAWA: Dink-Dink. (shakes his head) CASSI: Sorry, no dice. No money, no food. AUTHOR: We're on break anyway. Back later! --Author and Cassi exit, and MadChris glares....until Sam takes mercy on him and gives him some chips and bottled water-- SAM: There you go, Mr. Mad Chris. MADCHRIS: Thanks, friend. SAM: (nods and returns to his seat next to Frodo) JARETH & STEPHAN: (walk over to Merry and Pippin) JARETH: It's time we taught you some reversal spell. PIPPIN: Oh...okay. ONE DAY LATER................ ************************** --Author and Cassi return-- SPIKE: Why do you always leave for longer than you say? AUTHOR: All I said was I'd be back later. This is later. SPIKE: Right. (shakes his head) My mistake. XANDER: (who is wearing the skin of a rat on his head) How long do we have to stay this way? AUTHOR: Until you act in the other spoofs. Now shut up. SCRIPT! --The next morning, an elf on a horse rides through, waking up the small group....and the baby-- MADCHRIS: Morning, boys. Rough night, last night, wasn't it? I don't think I introduced myself yesterday. My name is Mad Chris Knight. And you are? MERRY: (eyes Mad Chris and slowly walks toward him) PIPPIN: (stops him) No, Merry don't (laughs) go near him! He's (more laughter) dangerous. MADCHRIS: (glares) I am not. PIPPIN: (laughs incoherently) SAM: Did I miss something? CHRIS: Probably your lack of a brain. SAM: HEY! AUTHOR: Script! --Another elf rides through on a horse. Pippin ignores it, and the elf disappears from sight-- AUTHOR: Hello! You had a part? PIPPIN: That was an elf, not a daikini. (points at Mad Chris) HE is a human, mortal, daikini, not ELF! CASSI: He's got a point. AUTHOR: ARG! Just follow the stupid SCRIPT! PIPPIN: You don't have to yell. AUTHOR: (growls) PIPPIN: Alright! (to Mad Chris) What's going on? MADCHRIS: Smells like a battle. PIPPIN: (rolls his eyes) Like you've ever been in one. MADCHRIS: Well, me and one friend did use a laser to pop a whole lot of popcorn in our professor's house. MURDOC: Popcorn? Kind of lame. MADCHRIS: Well, it was enough to make the house fall down. PIPPIN: Yeah, well, I've actually BEEN in battle. AUTHOR: Yeah, until that troll fell on you. PIPPIN: Please don't remind me. SPIKE: Trolls aren't that big. AUTHOR: These trolls are the size of Eatsalot. SPIKE: And that runt is still ALIVE!? AUTHOR: Yeh, now back to the script. PIPPIN: (to MadChris) I suppose you're...(laughs) A warrior? (more laughing) MADCHRIS: I am the greatest swordsman that ever lived. PIPPIN & MERRY: (laugh harder) AUTHOR: Oookaaay, as soon as he's off the set, he can work with Aragorn. ARAGORN: (groans) AUTHOR: Also, please refresh Angel for the next spoof.....then again, you can do that after this spoof. ANGEL: I don't need refreshing. AUTHOR: (under her breath) Tell that to the Army of Anubis later on....**That was a hint people! And it DIDN'T have anything to do with the Vampire Mummy Returns** ARDETH: What was that? AUTHOR: Nothing! Script now! PIPPIN: (finally stops laughing, and walks over to Merry) MADCHRIS: Say, could I have some of that water? PIPPIN: (ignores him and drinks deeply from a bottle of water) MADCHRIS: (starts crying) Oh, I don't know why I try! (more moaning and sobbing) Oh, I'm gonna die. (more crying) CASSI: Going for an Oscar, is he? AUTHOR: Oh yeah. --Mad Chris peeks between his fingers to see if it worked, then he continues to cry. Merry and Pippin exchange bored looks. Pippin grabs a spare water bottle from the bag, and heads toward the cage-- CASSI: Ah yes, bottled water. AUTHOR: We've spoiled them. CASSI: Besides, we got a great deal at Sam's for them. **(grins) That's also where we get the humongous bottles of Excedrin. God bless Sam's!** CHRIS: (looks around) The army's late. AUTHOR: (sighs) Elves. MADCHRIS: (drinks from the bottle) Thanks, friend. --He has downed most of the bottle. by the time the sound of the army is heard. Pippin watches, his fingers clutching the hilt of his sword. Merry sits, sharpening his-- PIPPIN: What's that? MADCHRIS: You're the Knight, you tell me. AUTHOR: If you'd like to stay in that cage, please continue to misbehave. MADCHRIS: (sighs) I'd say 2 to 3 hundred horses, 5 or 6 wagons, and about a thousand fools. ARAGORN: Don't let Legolas hear you say that. PIPPIN: (heads toward Connor) Come on, Merry. We're supposed to be stupid and try to give this human.....er...vampire baby to an army of Elves, who obviously, since they're going into war, have no time to take care of him. NILES: Kind of makes that Willow person look very ignorant. AUTHOR: Yep. --The army of Elves rides past, and Pippin tries to get their attention-- PIPPIN: Excuse me! ELF 56: Out of the way, Halfling! --The elf doesn't stop and Pippin moves to the side. He sees another rider move to the edge, watching the army-- PIPPIN: Excuse me, sir. We found one of your babies in our village. Will you please take care of him? LEGOLAS: (removes his helmet) I'm an elf, Pippin, not a Daikini. PIPPIN: Just reading the script. LEGOLAS: We're going into battle, little ones. Find a woman to look after him. MADCHRIS: We thought you were a woman, Leggo. PIPPIN: Ignore him. He's insane. LEGOLAS: So I figured. CHRIS: You know, it'll sure be fun frying a few people. LEGOLAS: Well, MadChris. What'd you do this time? MADCHRIS: Nothing you wouldn't have done in my place/ LEGOLAS: (offended) I'm an elf. I don't act like a mortal. MERRY: Big deal. Get over yourself already. LEGOLAS: (glares) AUTHOR: Merry has a point. I'm really tired of the "I'm better than mortals" elf act. LEGOLAS: I do not-- AUTHOR: Act, or you'll be meeting with Abominable. ROMANO: (seated next to Cassi) Which you really don't want to experience. Trust me. LEGOLAS: (sighs and turns to Mad Chris) I always knew you'd end up in a crow's cage. CASSI: I really don't wanna see the crow that can fit in a cage that size. JOHN: While we're on the subject, what happened to the generator, TV, Fridge, and microwave? AUTHOR: I took them away before the first scene with him came up. CASSI: Which was a good idea, because then, he couldn't do his lines right. They have to believe he was actually suffering in there. MADCHRIS: Well, at least I'm not out there, herding sheep. ELF 325: We are NOT sheep! ROMANO: Ah, shut up, I like this movie. CHRIS: Weirdo. ELF 325: (flips Romano off before continuing) CASSI: They're on our set for all of five minutes and they're corrupted already. We're getting good. AUTHOR: Script. MADCHRIS: What are you doing this far North? LEGOLAS: (matter-of factly) Mirkwood is IN the North. AUTHOR: Ahem! LEGOLAS: The Nockmar Armies have destroyed Mirkwood. MADCHRIS: The castle? LEGOLAS: (flatly) No, the outhouse. Yes, the castle. CASSI: Oh...for a second there, I was wondering why they'd bother fighting over an outhouse.... WAKKO: Must have been an important one. AUTHOR: Story. LEGOLAS: Imhotep's troops are crushing everything in sight. RICK: That's Imhotep, alright. LOGAN: That's okay, he's doing the same thing in space. GLORY: Plus dealing with the dinosaurs. He's such a wonderful Mummy. (kisses him) CASSI: Who's busy with a wife and three star roles. IMHOTEP: (cheesy grin) CHRIS: Anyway, let's continue. MADCHRIS: Come on, let me out of here. I'll win this war for you. --Merry, Pippin, and Legolas break into incoherent and hysterical laughter...and Legolas is laughing so hard, he falls off his horse-- MADCHRIS: (growls) LEGOLAS: (recovers and climbs back onto the horse) Mad Chris, I still serve Mirkwood. You serve no one. Remember? Sit in your coffin and rot! (replaces his helmet and rejoins the army) MADCHRIS: WAIT!!! Legolas!! You'll need me! (pauses and then yells) WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE I'M GOING TO CUT YOUR HEAD OFF AND STICK IT ON A PIG-POLE!!!! MERRY & PIPPIN: (give him a dirty look, as the army and Legolas vanish from sight) PIPPIN: Legolas would wipe the floor with you, you know. MADCHRIS: So? And your point is? AUTHOR: Script! PIPPIN: But I don't miss that furball...OR the X-Brats! AUTHOR: Fine. Just skip that. MERRY: We're running out of food. PIPPIN: (alarmed) Then it's time to go back! SPIKE: The only reason your food is gone, is because you wankers EAT too much! PIPPIN & MERRY: Shut up, bug. MADCHRIS: Nobody's gonna take care of that baby, and you know why? Nobody cares. (pauses for dramatics) Except me. (with emotion) You want to go back to your families. I want out of this cage. Let me take care of the baby. I'll look after him like he was my own. MERRY: I don't trust him. He smiles too much. MADCHRIS: You're supposed to be on MY side. MERRY: And side against my own COUSIN?! No way! AUTHOR: Yes way. Get it RIGHT! MERRY: (grumbles) I believe he would, Pip. PIPPIN: He doesn't know anything about babies. MERRY: (shrugs) Neither do we. MADCHRIS: (rolls his eyes) Figures. AUTHOR: (growls) MADCHRIS: Right, but I know a lot of women who do. (with emotion) If I had somebody in my life...a little son, perhaps. I might have a reason to go on living. PIPPIN: (rolls his eyes and makes gagging noises) MADCHRIS: You can't leave me in here to die.....not when all I want to do is protect him. PIPPIN: (sighs) --Merry busts open the bottom of the cage. Mad Chris does a roll as he hits the ground. He lifts Merry into the air and swings him around before setting him down. Merry runs to the bathroom, covering his mouth-- CASSI: (pointedly) You got him sick. MADCHRIS: I feel BETTER!!! MERRY: (shortly returns and glares at Mad Chris) MADCHRIS: You've done the right thing!! WAAAHOOOO!!!! (jumps up into the air) --The Raptor Squad dances through, in a victory dance kickline, and the Jawas and Mad Chris join them-- GANDALF: I don't think I want a real explanation for that one. SAM: That was neat, wasn't it, Mr Frodo? FRODO: (staring) Uhh.... --Tha Raptors and Jawas exit-- PIPPIN: (to Mad Chris, who is still dancing) You've got to promise to feed him. MADCHRIS: (approaches Connor) Come to Daddy, little son!!! FRED: Angel's not gonna like this. ANGEL: Angel doesn't like it, but Angel doesn't have a choice. AUTHOR: Script. PIPPIN: And keep him clean. MADCHRIS: (takes Connor) Absolutely. (swings Connor around) CONNOR: (starts crying) MADCHRIS: He hates me. PIPPIN: Here's his diapers, and his milk bottle.... MADCHRIS: Any milk in there? PIPPIN: It's for HIM! MADCHRIS: I wouldn't steal from a baby. --Mad Chris kneels down next to Pippin and Merry hangs the papoose basket over Chris's shoulder-- MADCHRIS: You worry too much, Peck. MERRY: It's PIPPIN! MADCHRIS: I mean Pippin... CASSI: You know, "Peck" is pretty close to his name. PIPPIN: (obviously offended) How so? CASSI: Well, your name is PER-E-GRIN Took, isn't it? PIPPIN: (wary) Yeah.... CASSI: P-E-K. They're all in your name. Pek. PIPPIN: (glares) MERRY: (laughs) PIPPIN: Quiet, Maria! MERRY: (glares) AUTHOR: Script! MADCHRIS: Now listen boys....Pippin, you've done the right thing. Now I want you to get home and bring your crop in. (he claps Pippin on the back) PIPPIN: (regretfully gives Connor a kiss on the cheek) Goodbye, little one. --He gives Mad Chris a long look, then Mad Chris stands up and walks away with Connor. Pippin watches them go-- PIPPIN: Please take good care of him! MADCHRIS: (turns and waves) I give you my word of honor! CHRIS: Cut and print! End scene! AUTHOR: Next scene! (pause) Hey Wolvie! STOP SHOOTING SPIT BALLS AT THE TWO TIED UP FBI AGENTS!!!! --Wolvie gives a sheepish look, then heads back to the kid room. Frank Donovan glares after him. He is entirely covered in spitballs-- CHRIS: Uh ....somebody!!! CLEANUP!!! AUTHOR: Script! --The Hobbits begin their journey home. Neither of them look inclined to hurry as they travel through the dense vegetation.-- AUTHOR: Merry, you're supposed to be hurrying. MERRY: Why? AUTHOR: Because you want to get home. MERRY: But we don't want to get home. AUTHOR: Script! --Merry quickens his pace and soon Pippin is lagging behind-- PIPPIN: Merry, slow down! MERRY: But the Author told me to hurry up! CHRIS: I'm really wanting to barbecue something. MERRY: (sighs) Oh come on! If we hurry, we can be home by tomorrow morning! We'll be heros! ARAGORN: Aren't you already? SPIKE: (mutters something not nice under his breath) PIPPIN: (ignores the two) You really think so? MERRY: Sure! (as a villager) Look! There's Pippin and Merry! The heros have come home! SAM: (flatly) It's bad enough in the Shire with them walking around in their armor. Don't they get enough attention? PIPPIN: (ignores them) Welcome back, boys! You deserve medals! MERRY: Yeah, medals! CHRIS: Not medals, but they may get Oscars for this acting performance. FRODO: They're not acting. They really do have big egos. AUTHOR: Yeah, I know. I've read the books. MERRY & PIPPIN: (glare) CHRIS: Back to the script. --Pippin stops and frowns as a look of uncertainty crosses his face-- PIPPIN: Merry.....did we do the right thing? MERRY: Absolutely. There's nothing to worry about. SAM: Now you've done it. Something always goes wrong when that is said! CHRIS: Yeah, just as dangerous as saying "I've got a bad feeling about this." --Suddenly, the sound of a baby's cry snaps their attention upward. Jareth, in his owl form, is flying with Spike on his back, and clutched in his talons, the papoose basket with Connor still in it-- SPIKE: (to Jareth) Heeyah!! (to everyone else) Haha!!! I stole the baby!!! I stole the baby!!! Hahahaha!! Heeyah!! PIPPIN: (ducks to avoid Jareth) That's Angle's baby, and he's gonna kill you if he gets hurt!! STOP!!! Wait!!! COME BACK!!! SPIKE: Left, you stupid bird, lef-- JARETH: (dumps Spike off his back, to the ground) Call ME a stupid bird, will you? SPIKE: (painfully) It was in the script! AUTHOR: Alright, back to the Hobbits. --Pippin runs after Jareth. He pauses next to a tree for a moment and reacts with alarm when a tiny arrow hits the trunk next to his hand. The second arrow hits his arm-- PIPPIN: (grabs the arrow out) OW!! CASSI: (stares) Are those little Bamfs? How CUTE! AUTHOR: Oh yeah. MERRY: Brownie Bamfs! Lets get out of here! --The um....Brownie Bamf archers continue to pepper the hobbits with little arrows, as they try to get away from this unexpected....very little threat.-- PIPPIN: Come on, Merry! MERRY: Owww! --The two hobbits race recklessly though the forest, and let out yells of surprise as they fall into a pit. The Brownie Bamfs cackle with delight-- AUTHOR: Okay....so who dug the hole? JESSIE: They RUINED it! JAMES: It was a perfect trap! JOHN: And we're what, surprised by this? ASH: Don't you ever get tired of doing the same old thing over and over again? JESSIE: The trap was for Pikachu. (does the Wolvie pout) PIKACHU: Pika (sticks tongue out) CHU! MEOWTH: Pikachu seems to have picked up a few words from R2. R2: (beeps obscenely) **As the next section of Heir may or may not be out yet, R2 has joined the Peanut Gallery with 3PO as of Heir to the Spoof** PIKACHU: (nods in agreement) CASSI: Are the Hobbits alright? CHRIS: (walks over to the hole) Well, either they're unconscious, or they're dead. Somebody get them out of there. AUTHOR: Ash? Bring out Chikarita and Bulbasaur. ASH: (throws his Pokeballs and the two plant Pokemon appear) Get those Hobbits out of the hole, guys. --Chikarita and Bulbasaur do as they are told and the two Hobbits are lifted out of the hole-- CHIKARITA: (nudges Merry) Chika? Chika! Chi! MEOWTH: Dat one's alive. BULBASAUR: (nudges Pippin) Bulba bulbasaur! MEOWTH: Dey're both alive.....just a little bruised. AUTHOR: Good, we can continue. --Chikarita plops into Ash's lap and Bulbasaur settles at his feet-- MURDOC: (yawning) I'm bored. AUTHOR: So be bored. You're not in this spoof. Script! --Later, after nightfall, Pippin is awakened by a splash of cold water in his face-- XANDER: Hey ugly, wake up! PIPPIN: (growls) --He and Merry are tied up and lying on the ground, surrounded by Brownie-Bamfs, plus Spike and Xander. The Hobbits struggle uselessly against the ropes-- XANDER: (to the Brownie-Bamfs) All right, all right. Stand your ground. These are our prisoners!!! Good!! Come on! PIPPIN: Merry, where's the baby? MERRY: Probably in a safer spot that we are! --A strange star-like light moves across the sky-- BUFFY: Bring the Hobbits to me. SPIKE: (jumps on Pippin's chest) All right! You heard her! PIPPIN: What's going on....BUG!? SPIKE: (threateningly) Shut up or I'll BREAK your nose! (aims with his staff) You are mine to toy with. PIPPIN: Sorry, but I'm straight. XANDER: (falls over, laughing) SPIKE: (growls) Not funny. I'm following the script. (to the Brownie-Bamfs) Forward! --The Brownie-Bamfs start dragging the Hobbits away-- PIPPIN: Where--where did you get that baby!? SPIKE: That baby happens to be my Uncle-Nephew, and I stole him from a stupid daikini. (laughs) BUFFY: (in a commanding voice) Spike, release the Hobbits...and stop pestering them. SPIKE: (almost inaudible) Uh-oh. --Spike leaps off Pippin's chest as the Brownie-Bamfs start cutting the two loose. Pippin leaps to his feet and stretches. He ignores the Brownie-Bamfs. Merry, however, snarls at them and tries to kick at them. Unfortunately, being Bamfs, they bamf out of the way and Merry loses his footing, and falls to the ground with a thud-- MERRY: Ow. --The strange light continues, --thanks to Jareth-- to move across the sky and a sort of mist begins to form-- BUFFY: Welcome to my kingdom. --Tiny Labyrinth fairies fly all over. One bites Merry and he lets out a yelp. Pounce then dives in and starts eating the fairies. The mist forms into the glowing form of Buffy-- SPIKE: Woooow.... BUFFY: I'm so happy to meet you, Peregrin Took. GANDALF: You must be the only one. PIPPIN: (ignores him) How do you know my name? BUFFY: (flatly) The Author told everyone in "Heir to the Spoof". AUTHOR: Hmm, should we have fried Slayer? CHRIS: Sounds good. WARREN: Yeah, sounds great. JONATHAN: I don't think so. AUTHOR: Script, or we're having fried Trio, too. BUFFY: Connor Angel told me. Connor? FRED: He's talking already? BUFFY: (floats over the baby, who is wrapped in a blanket, using the Farce) Connor, Pippin's here. PIPPIN: But he's just a baby. BUFFY: He's very special. ANGEL: (smiles proudly) He sure is. AUTHOR: Hey, Mr. Vampire Mummy, get out of here! You'll scare your son! ANGEL: (does the Wolvie pout and exits) BUFFY: My Brownie-Bamfs have been searching for him ever since we heard he was born. Connor has chosen you to be his guardian. --Buffy uses the Farce to levitate the baby into Pippin's arms. The Labyrinth fairies continue to fly around. Pounce continues to eat them and Magneato rushes in with a bug spray can and starts bashing them over the heads with it-- PIPPIN: Me? BUFFY: Yes, he likes you. ARAGORN: Smart child. MERRY: Hey, I'M the better warrior! ARAGORN: You're retired. MERRY: I helped kill a Nazgul. WAGNER: (bamfs onto the set and drops into his seat, exhausted) Never again!!!! AUTHOR: Uh, Wagner, you need to give what we talked about to the person we talked about. And make sure to use good judgement as to what you tell him. WAGNER: (nods) I'm getting to it. CASSI: Where are they? WAGNER: (grins) Back to the beginning. **Okay, we'll tell you. He lead them all the way back to Mordor, and left them there. Funny, huh?** AUTHOR & CASSI: (snickering) MURDOC: What are you talking about? WAGNER: Nos'ing important. At least not in zhis spoof. CHRIS: Let's continue. BUFFY: Connor Angel knows that you have the courage to help us. Take my wand to the Wizard, Gandalf, the White. She...(pause) whoops, he.. PIPPIN: (laughing) BUFFY: (continues) ...will guide you to the Kingdom of Tara's Lane, where a good King and Queen will look after him. PIPPIN: (reads his script) Hey! I am TOO a warrior! CHRIS: Did you want Original recipe or Extra Crispy? (waves the flamethrower) PIPPIN: But you want a warrior for that job! I'm a nobody! CASSI: Now, he's being modest. SAM: (laughs) CONNOR: (giggles and coos at Pippin's protest) PIPPIN: Connor, you don’t want me! I'm short.....but not for a Hobbit. MERRY: No, we're big for Hobbits...but only because of those ent draughts. SPIKE: Ent what? And what is an ENT!? AUTHOR: Sort of like talking trees. SPIKE: Sure...what next? --Buffy vanishes from sight, and the Brownie Bamfs and the Hobbits look around confused-- PIPPIN: Hello? BUFFY: (reappears) Connor Angle must survive. He must fulfill his destiny and bring about the down- fall of the evil Queen....er...King Imhotep, who's powers are growing like an evil plague.... SPIKE: And who thinks this reminds them of the Mummy's usual tricks? ALL: (raise their hands) BUFFY: (continues) Unless he is stopped, Imhotep will control the lives of your village, your children... everyone. FRODO: Actually reminds me of Sauron. AUTHOR: Shush. BUFFY: All creatures of good heart need your help, Peregrin. The choice is yours. (she vanishes) SPIKE: I'm glad I'm not a creature of good heart. CASSI: So you keep telling us. CHRIS: Alright, next morning. --The next morning, Pippin, carrying Buffy's wand, walks over to where Merry is sleeping on the forest floor and taps him on the shoulder.-- PIPPIN: Hey, Merry! Wake up! MERRY: (blinks) Wha? PIPPIN: It's time to go home. MERRY: (disappointed) Home!? WHY?! (he stands and stretches) AUTHOR: Merry, try to get it right. MERRY: Sorry. PIPPIN: Listen Merry, tell...(rolls his eyes)..the furball I don't miss her and I don't think of her everyday. CASSI: Uh.. AUTHOR: (sighs and throws her hands up in disgust) MERRY: Pip? PIPPIN: And tell her...I'm not going to let anything happen to the baby. MERRY: Are you sure you know what you're doing? PIPPIN: I hope so. MERRY: I'm coming with you. AUTHOR: No, you're not. MERRY: Am too! AUTHOR: Are not. MERRY: Am too! CHRIS: Will somebody tie him up? ARAGORN: (grabs Merry and ties him to a chair next to Agents Cross and Donovan in the corner-) MERRY: Lemme GO!!! I wanna go with Pippin!!! This isn't FAIR!!! LEMME GO!!!! ROMANO: What are they, joined at the hip? CASSI: Makes you wonder sometimes. DONOVAN: (to Merry) Could you SHUT UP!? My ears are ringing!!! MERRY: (screams louder) LUKE: (walks over and gags Merry, then calmly returns to his seat) KRISTI: Thanks, he was killing my ears too. AUTHOR: Oh yeah. Next scene! --Pippin walks across a rugged hillside, with the baby on his back, and the wand in his hand--He is being lead by Spike and Xander-- XANDER: I know the way, Spike. SPIKE: You always think you know the way. I am the leader! PIPPIN: Can I have different guides? No wait, I'd rather do without. I'll befine with no guide. AUTHOR: (laughs, then turns serious) No. PIPPIN: Drat, how long will it take to find Gandalf? GANDALF: (mutters under his breath) SPIKE: Not long. XANDER: She's been exiled to an island just over those hills. PIPPIN: She? (laughs) FRODO & SAM: (snickering) GANDALF: (growls) PIPPIN: (corrects them) He's what? XANDER: Exiled.....by the evil Queen....Imhotep. (laughs) PEANUT GALLERY: (more laughter) IMHOTEP: (glares) SPIKE: Xander, you bloody fool! He doesn't have to know EVERYthing! XANDER: I didn't tell him everything. SPIKE: You told him enough. XANDER: What did I say? PIPPIN: (interrupting) Wait a minute. SPIKE: You mentioned the island, you mentioned the Queen! IMHOTEP: (growling) GLORY: You are starting to make him mad. --Spike and Xander ignore her and tumble off the end of the log-- XANDER: So? PIPPIN: (gesturing with both hands) What do you mean? What are you saying? Mysterious island? --The small duo flinches-- SPIKE: Don't play with that bloody wand! Buffy told you it holds vast powers! Only a great wizard can use it....not a stupid peck like you. PIPPIN: (gives them a dirty look) XANDER: (laughs) SPIKE: (points and starts to walk away) This way! XANDER: No no no. I don't think so. SPIKE: (changes direction) All right then. This way. XANDER: No no. (points) This way. SPIKE: This way?! XANDER: (in Spike's face) That's what I said, Evil Dead! BUFFY: Xander, you're pathetic. AUTHOR: Script. XANDER: (starts walking) SPIKE: (hesitates, then follows, before turning back to Pippin) This way. PIPPIN: Are you sure you know where you're going? SPIKE: Of course. With us as your guides, no harm will befall you. --The crew from "Buffy" and "Angel" start laughing-- SPIKE & XANDER: Not funny. CASSI: Sure it is. CHRIS: Alright, let's continue. Storm, could you give us some rain? STORM: Of course. (flies up into the air and starts a thunder storm) --Author, Cassi and all Peanut Gallery pull out umbrellas-- AUTHOR: Alright, now we continue. --Pippin slogs miserably through a downpour, with Connor in his arms. He comes to a large ramshackle building with a few daikini's unloading kegs in front, and he stops to assess the place--Spike pops out of the safety of the papoose basket-- SPIKE: We are not going in there. PIPPIN: The script says we do, and I'm tired of being drenched! SPIKE: You are not in command here, shorty! I am! You hear me!? Woaahhh! --Spike tumbles back into the basket, as Pippin starts toward the building-- PIPPIN: You stay quiet, bug. SPIKE: (growls) XANDER: (elbows him) CHRIS: Alright, all the tavern people get in their places! --Music plays inside the tavern and a rowdy atmosphere prevails. The people who notice Pippin as he makes his way through the place give him hostile looks. Pippin approaches CC Babcock, dressed as a barmaid-- NILES: (laughs) PIPPIN: Excuse me? Excuse me, could you spare some milk for this poor hungry baby? CC: (glares at Niles then turns her attention back to Pippin) Get out of here, peck. LUKE: Get out of here, or we'll cook you! CASSI: I guess we really corrupted Mr Jedi Sith Lord. KRISTI: I'll say. --Pippin hastily retreats to a quiet spot behind the stairs and starts tending to the baby. The....uh.. brownies pop out from his gear and Xander gets a look toward Anya, who is seated across the room-- XANDER: I don't need a love potion. SPIKE: You're between 8 and 9 inches tall, Bug Boy. I don't even think she'll notice you. XANDER: (glares) Fine, I'll follow the script. (pause) Oooh, look at her. I could use the love potion on her! Spike! Hey! Give me that dust of broken heart! Come on! --Xander reaches for the pouch dangling from around Spike's neck, and the two fight over it-- SPIKE: It's very dangerous! It belongs to the fairies! XANDER: (grins and lets go, and the bag slams into Spike's face, covering him with dust) Okay, all yours. --Spike now has a very dopey look on his face....as if he hasn't had that enough lately-- BUFFY: (frowns) Are you alright, Spike? SPIKE: (turns to look at Buffy, and a look of total adoration appears on his face...you know like normal) CASSI: (laughing incoherently) SPIKE: (walks toward Buffy) You are so beautiful...your hair....(continues, but we censored it out so you wouldn't need a barf bag) AUTHOR: Ignore him. Lets continue. Xander, you DO realize he's probably gonna kill you when that stuff wears off. BUFFY: (turning red) Um....when does it wear off? AUTHOR: Throw him in to that vat of beer. That'll make him better faster....I hope. I'm gagging major over here. BUFFY: You!? It's ME he's telling it to! CASSI: Pu-lease!!! We all know he already loved her! All the dust did was make him-- BUFFY: A total wanker. (picks Spike up by the back of his duster and drops him into the beer keg) SPIKE: (grabs hold of the side of the keg and pulls himself out, coughing) Oh just bloody great. Now I'm covered in beer! CASSI: Yeah, but you're not spouting poetry to Buffy and making us all sick. SPIKE: BLOODY HELL!!! Why would I do THAT!? I HATE her! **uh-huh, yep, I'm convinced...NOT** XANDER: I'll be hiding now. AUTHOR: Hey, bar people! You need to start a fight! --Everyone playing bar people stop and look at each other. They shrug and start fighting. Spike and Xander hide in Pippin's pouch-- SPIKE: These people are CRAZY!! This could be bad! --Pippin picks up the baby, just as one of the combatants comes crashing down next to him. Startled, Pippin jumps backward, and crashes through the wall. He lands on the floor in another room, where Dawn is running about, frantically grabbing articles of clothing-- DAWN: Hurry! Hurry! My husband's coming! If he catches you here, he'll kill us both! BUFFY: (shocked) Dawn!? MADCHRIS: (wearing a pink dress, bunny slippers, and a scarf) How do I look? ALL: (incoherent laughter) DAWN: Cover your face! PIPPIN: (to Mad Chris) Not YOU!!! MADCHRIS: (turns to Pippin) Where the hell did you come from?! PIPPIN: If I say Took-land, would you hit me? AUTHOR: I would. SPIKE: TOOK-land!? He has his own country named after him!? Remind me never to visit that place. CHRIS: Get it right....Pek. PIPPIN: (glares, but complies) I knew I shouldn't have trusted you! SPIKE: (eyes Mad Chris) Don't I know you!? I stole a baby from you....while Aragorn was teaching you how to fight! (pause) Boy, did you stink. DAWN: (to Mad Chris) Cover your face! PIPPIN: Yeah, it's a hideous sight. MADCHRIS: (wraps the scarf around his face and looks back at Pippin) You are crawling with Brownies. DAWN: Um, I don't hate Spike and Xander. AUTHOR: Script and you might get an Oscar. DAWN: AHHH!!! I HATE BROWNIES!!! CASSI: This next part should prove interesting. PORTHOS: Do I have to do this? CASSI: How bad do you want an Oscar? PORTHOS: Not THAT bad. CHRIS: I couls always fry you. (waves his flamethrower) PORTHOS: Fine, I'm going. AUTHOR: Right. Continue! --The door bursts open, knocking Pippin aside, and Porthos stomps into the room-- PORTHOS: WHERE IS HE!? DAWN: Hello, dear. BUFFY: I don't believe you made my sister married o HIM! CASSI: He's a Musketeer, she could do a lot worse. PORTHOS: WHERE!? DAWN: There's nobody here but me and...uh...my uh... PORTHOS: I'LL KILL HIM!! DAWN: My uh...cousin...Hilda. PIPPIN: (drops to the floor in incoherent laughter) BUFFY: (snickering) Hello, cuz. MADCHRIS: (cheesy grin) MACGYVER: Now THAT is a weirdo. MISTY: Another dress guy? CASSI: Actually, I was classifying him as weird back at the antennas and bunny slippers. MADCHRIS: (grins harder) AUTHOR: Script! PIPPIN: (recovers from his fits of laughter) HILDA!? PORTHOS: Do I have to? AUTHOR: Yes! PORTHOS: (sighs) Oooh, Hilda! DAWN: Hilda, this is my husband, Porthos. SPIKE: Nibblit, you have strange taste in men. CASSI: Oh, like Buffy's is any better. AUTHOR: Script! MADCHRIS: (in a high voice) Mmmm, big husband. How do you do? PORTHOS: (approaches Mad Chris, who backs into a wall) I'm NOT touching him!!! AUTHOR: Just say the lines. PORTHOS: (rolls his eyes) Come on, girl, don't be shy. MADCHRIS: (dashes across the room and snatches Connor from Pippin) PIPPIN: HEY! Give him BACK! MADCHRIS: (high voice) Pecks make such terrible nursemaids. PIPPIN: (glares) NURSEMAID!? (runs forward and kicks Mad Chris in the shin, causing him to let out a yelp of pain) MADCHRIS: You stupid peck! That HURT! --Pippin kicks him in the other shin, knocking Mad Chris to his knees, then snatches Connor back and decks Mad Chris between the eyes, knocking him cold-- AUTHOR: Aragorn, I thought you taught him to FIGHT! ARAGORN: I did....but I guess he didn't see that one coming. SPIKE: So the rat can fight....at least against the wimp, anyway. PORTHOS: Now what? --Several vampires bust into the room and stare-- VAMPIRE 28: What happened? PORTHOS: The Peck beat up the genius. PIPPIN: Call ME a nursemaid, will he? CASSI: This is different. "Willow" beats up "Madmartigan". AUTHOR: Somebody get him up. PORTHOS: (kicks MadChris, who groans) MADCHRIS: Oww, that hurt. AUTHOR: Vamps drag them all out. --The vampires drag them all out into the next room-- VAMPIRE 30: Right, come along, Peck! Move along! Gather them all with the babies! AUTHOR: Pippin, give Connor to Mad Chris. PIPPIN: (reluctantly hands the baby over) FRED: There's only one baby here. CAROL: (from medlab) If I'd known you needed babies, I'd have brought the twins. AUTHOR: Well, we could have used Elle, but she's in ICU. KRISTI: Which explains why Greene and his wife never came back. ANGEL: Let me guess. The twins are girls and so is Elle. AUTHOR: Uh...yeah. ANGEL: You had access to at least two baby girls and you chose my SON to play a girl's role?! DOUG: The twins are too old. They're toddlers. ANGEL: (growls and exits) AUTHOR: Shall we continue? Skip the first baby. FRED: (approaches Mad Chris) YOU! Are you the mother of this baby? MADCHRIS: (high voice) Yes, yes I am. FRED: Let me see it. PIPPIN: (pushes his way forward) NO!! Don't let her! FRED: (kicks him out of the way) I GAVE YOU AN ORDER, WOMAN! --She reaches for Connor. Mad Chris resists, and quickly finds a couple of vampire swords pointed at him. Fred slams her sword into the floor and pulls off her helmet-- MADCHRIS: (almost forgetting his high voice) You're....beautiful. FRED: And you're very strong. MADCHRIS: (almost high voice) Thankyou. FRED: You're no woman! (yanks the scarf off of Chris) DAWN: (pleading) Now...honey.. PORTHOS: (grinning) This part, I can do! (outraged) NOT A WOMAN!?!? DAWN: Take it easy... MADCHRIS: (in his own voice) Gentlemen... PORTHOS: (louder) NOT A WOMAN!!?!? MADCHRIS: Meet Porthos! --Mad Chris ducks as Porthos throws a punch at him--Several vampires are flattened by the blow. Mad Chris makes a run for it-- FRED: After them! --Through the confusion, Pippin makes a dash for it too, cleverly tripping one of the vampire soldiers by rolling on the floor at its feet-- PIPPIN: Out'a my WAY!!! --Mad Chris dashes upstairs, trailed by Pippin. Porthos is staking vampires left and right-- FRED: To the horses! --On the balcony...where we might add, it has stopped raining and the ground is magically dry...Mad Chris slugs one of the men unloading beer kegs and uses the rope and pulley to get to the beer wagon waiting below. He stows the baby in a safe corner, and whips up the....uh horse. Still on the balcony, Pippin races after them-- PIPPIN: What happened to the rain? AUTHOR: Never mind. You need to get to the wagon! --Pippin leaps off the balcony and makes a rough landing in the back of the wagon, spilling Xander and Spike out onto its wooden floor. The wagon gathers speed as the vampire soldiers mount up-- CASSI: This is getting good. XANDER: I think I'm getting carsick. --Three vampire soldiers on horseback and a war chariot containing two more soldiers, set out in pursuit. Meanwhile, Pippin struggles for balance in the jouncing wagon-- FIDDLES: (pulling the wagon) YEEEEHAAAA!!!! I'm the HERO again!!!! MULDER: Oh, not HIM again. PIPPIN: Mad Chris, STOP!!! --Mad Chris ignores him and motions for Fiddles to go faster. Pippin starts breaking off pieces of wood to make stakes. Spike, hides, trying to avoid all the splinters, Pippin is creating-- SPIKE: Xander? Xander?! --The three vampire soldiers catch up with the wagon-- MADCHRIS: Can't you go any faster, Fiddles!? FIDDLES: Of course I can! But the script says the bad guys catch up with us, yes it does! MADCHRIS: (starts pulling apples out of the front of his....eh...dress) PIPPIN: Why did we have to get the mad horse? MADCHRIS: (tosses an apple over his shoulder....it bounces off Pippin's head) PIPPIN: (angry) Why does everyone have to throw APPLES at me!? **The apple throwing was in the movie (Fellowship)....as we assume you all saw it** CASSI: Was that in the script? CHRIS: Yeah. CASSI: That role was so perfect for him. PIPPIN: (rubbing his head) Says YOU! --A vampire horseman draws next to the wagon, and vaults into the back--Pippin, holding his sword in hand, and a stake in the other, faces him. Mad Chris glances back and shrugs, letting Pippin take care of the vampire.-- AUTHOR: Mad Chris, you'd better help him! PIPPIN: (fighting the vampire) I don't need his help. MADCHRIS: I'm coming anyway. I'm not getting sent to the snowman! --He slides out of the drivers seat and into the back. He finds a shovel...**what that was doing in the back of a wagon load of beer, we don't know**Anyway, he knocks the vampire's feet out from under him, giving Pippin a chance to stake the vampire. Another vampire vaults into the wagon and knocks the shovel away. The vampire and Mad Chris battle for control of the vampire's sword, and Pippin sneaks up behind and stakes the vampire-- MADCHRIS: Thanks, Pip. AUTHOR: Pippin, the reins now! --Pippin sheaths his sword and tosses the stake to Mad Chris, then he goes after the reins. Xander gets sick over the side of the wagon. The reins slip out of Pippin's reach a moment before Pippin notices the log laying across the road. He gasps in horror, as the wagon goes over it, sending Pippin falling onto Fiddles's back.-- FIDDLES: Hey, no free rides!! AUTHOR: Fiddles, be quiet. --Xander is thrown out of the wagon and ends up dangling off the side by one hand-- XANDER: SPIKE!!!!HELP ME!!! --One side of the back wheels disintegrates as the wagon continues barreling down the road-- SPIKE: (looking around) Where's Xander? XANDER: HELP!!!! SPIKE: Xander? Xander!!! (finally locates him) Xander, what are you doing? XANDER: I'm hanging off the side of a WAGON!!! What do you THINK I'm doing!? DOT: Da-uh! SPIKE: Hmmm, should I help you or not? (pretends to think about it) XANDER: OTHER HELP!!! --Pippin tries to make Fiddles stop, but is unable to. Spike, is still standing, contemplating whether or not to help Xander up-- XANDER: Spike, will you please help me up?! BUFFY: Spike, pull him up. SPIKE: (sighs and reaches for Xander) Come on! XANDER: Pull me in! SPIKE: I AM! --Fiddles bucks Pippin off, causing him to land on the wooden beams the hook the wagon to Fiddles... whatever those stupid things are called...Pippin is able to grab the reins and crawl into the driver's seat-- PIPPIN: (to Fiddles) Easy, you stupid horse! --Mad Chris is fighting a third vampire. Connor smiles and giggles. The vampire is backed up not far from Pippin. Mad Chris has lost his stake and is locked in a fight with the vampire. Neither fighter is winning or losing. Pippin draws his sword and slices the vampire's head off, killing it.-- MADCHRIS: (Exhausted) Thanks! --The remaining back wheel disintegrates, and Pippin falls, hitting his head, and knocking himself out. Mad Chris falls out the back of the wagon, but manages to grab hold of a rope. Using the rope, he pulls himself back into the wagon. The war chariot has coughed up with them and an iron throwing star narrowly misses Mad Chris's head.-- SPIKE: (grabs his script and grins) I have an idea. --He and Xander heaf for the wooden kegs tied inside the wagon-- SPIKE: (yelling) Fiddles, get ahead of the chariot! --Fiddles does as he is told and Spike and Xander cut loose the barrels, which slam into the chariot. The chariot is destroyed and the vampires unconscious-- CASSI: Wasn't that chase supposed to be longer? AUTHOR: Yeah, but we can't make them follow the script. Besides, Pippin's still out. CHRIS: Hey, Mad Chris! Wake the Peck up! MADCHRIS: Why? AUTHOR: NOW! MADCHRIS: (nudges Pippin) Wake up! PIPPIN: (groggy) Wha? AUTHOR: Fiddles, STOP! FIDDLES: (Screeches to a stop, causing Xander to fall out of the wagon) XANDER: (heaves on the ground) SPIKE: (laughs) MADCHRIS: Now we stop, Peck. PIPPIN: (still out of it) Huh? --Mad Chris jumps to the ground and Spike steadies Xander-- XANDER: Stupid daikini. Ask him to stop the wagon.... ANYA: It IS stopped, Xander. PIPPIN: (hops off the wagon, carrying Connor) That was fun. MERRY: (who has managed to get the gag off) NO FAIR!!! ROMANO: Shut up, Peck! MERRY: (glares) MADCHRIS: (sends Fiddles down the road with the empty wagon) FIDDLES: (singing) Away I go down a happy road to lead them all astray!! Yeah, away, away I go!!! (fades away into the distance) SPIKE: Well, that was different. CHRIS: I'm never gonna understand that horse. CASSI: Only the one who created it can. AUTHOR: (grins and imitates Fiddles) I'm mad! MAD, I tell you!!! CHRIS: Ooookaaay, back to the script. MADCHRIS: (drags Pippin off to the side of the road) SPIKE: (to Xander) Gather your wits! Come on! XANDER: Don't worry about me, I'm FINE! MADCHRIS: (almost inaudible) Come on. --The sound of approaching horses is heard, as Pippin and Mad Chris hide in a ditch with Spike and Connor-- MADCHRIS: DOWN!! XANDER: (is still in the middle of the road) Ohhh, where am I? (gets sick and heave again) --The horses of Fred and many others come thundering up-- SPIKE: Xander, you bloody fool, get out of the road!!! --The horses pass over Xander, leaving him miraculously untrampled-- XANDER: (who is barfing yet again) Never again...no more wagon rides this soon after eating.... MADCHRIS: You'd better clear out, Pip, before those soldiers come back. XANDER: Oooohh, my head... --Pippin hurries after Mad Chris, with Spike dragging Xander along behind him. He reaches a field of tall grass, and catches up with Mad Chris.-- CASSI: They really should be careful in the long grass. STEVE: (pokes his head up) Isn't that supposed to be in the other spoof? (Lost World) AUTHOR: Yes, so am-scray! There isn't any raptors in this spoof! --Several members of the Raptor Squad exit the long grass, dong the Wolvie Pout.-- RAPTOR 30: Darn....we was SO close!!! RAPTOR 12: Figures...it's a conspiracy, I tell you... PIPPIN & MADCHRIS: (stare after them) STEVE: (grins) Couldn't resist. AUTHOR: Try harder. Back to the spoof. MADCHRIS: (starts walking away) PIPPIN: Mad Chris, WAIT!! MADCHRIS: Go home, Pippin. It's a dangerous world. PIPPIN: Yes, and that's why we need your help! MADCHRIS: What do you need my help for? You're a Knight and a Sorcerer! PIPPIN: But we make a great team! And besides, you're bigger than me! MADCHRIS: (turns and glares) Are you trying to make my life more difficult than it already is? --The howling of Neverwolves is heard. Mad Chris and Pippin throw themselves down to the ground, and Spike and Xander come running up-- SPIKE: Hurry! Big dogs!! (laughs) This role is ridiculous, and yet, I'm beginning to enjoy it. PIPPIN: Ehh, when did I get angry? AUTHOR: You skipped it. PIPPIN: Oh right. MADCHRIS: (looks at Connor and touches his tiny hand) CONNOR: (smiles and giggles at him) MADCHRIS: (smiles at Connor) Well, don't expect me to help you again. (gets to his feet) SPIKE: Good! Then we go that way, to the lake! (he points) XANDER: (taps him on the shoulder, and points a different way) The lake is that way. SPIKE: (slams the ground with the butt of his spear) You are sick. And when you are sick, you forget that I am in charge! XANDER: ...you are in charge...so where do we go, oh great leader? --They both point in the direction that Xander specified-- SPIKE & XANDER: That way! MADCHRIS: (watching the "Brownies") PIPPIN: (looks at him with "Pippin bambi eyes") CASSI: He's good. AUTHOR: Yep, and adorable. CASSI: Maybe sometimes. (whispers to Romano) She's on medication. Ignore her. ROMANO: What meds? AUTHOR: (overhears him) Too many. ROMANO: I assume they are prescription? AUTHOR: Yep, every one! Yup yup yup! ROMANO: (to Cassi) I think she missed a dose...or those are some pretty strong meds. CASSI: (gives him a brainduster) She's on them for migraines..and stress...like so many of us...the only good thing about her is she can at least go to a doctor! **Cassi is bitter about not having insurance. Ignore her.** AUTHOR: It was either go to the doctor or slam my head into a wall! Now enough of this! Script! CARTER: Speaking of pain, my back has been killing me ever since the Fugitive spoof. Is it alright if I take something? AUTHOR: Hey!!Benton!! Carter needs something for the pain in his back! Could you bring out that stuff I had Jaxom and Ruth drop off? BENTON: (comes in with a small container) You mean this stuff that smells? AUTHOR: It's called numbweed, and it works. CARTER: (takes the container and smells it, then wrinkles his nose, and sticks a finger into it) Wow, this stuff just killed all the feeling in my finger! AUTHOR: Try it on your back. --Carter takes the container and disappears into the bathroom. He returns a few minutes later with a big smile on his face-- CARTER: I can't feel a thing! AUTHOR: Oh yeah, Benton and Ardeth, there's a video I want you to watch in the Green Room! --Ardeth and Benton exchange a look and disappear into the Green Room. Cassi gives a nod to the Author, and follows them in-- AUTHOR: Alright, people. Take an hour break! MADCHRIS: That sounds great. (changes his bunny slippers for a pair of boots) ONE HOUR LATER....See? We CAN tell time! *************************************** --An hour later, Cassi, Benton, and Ardeth exit the Green Room. Neither Benton nor Ardeth look very happy. The three walk over to Wagner and whisper something to him. Wagner nods, and he, Benton, and Ardeth all disappear with a bamf--Cassi calmly returns to her seat-- CARTER: What was that all about? Where'd they go? AUTHOR: They'll be back, don't worry. Now script. MADCHRIS: Oh no! That's the way I'm going! All right, all right. You can follow me as far as the lake, but that's it. you're not going South, are you? PIPPIN: No, no. Just as far as the lake. MADCHRIS: Good. (to Xander & Spike) Mumbo! Jumbo! I am hungry! Go get me some eggs or something! SPIKE: I am not a servant! MADCHRIS: If you don't, I WILL step on you! SPIKE: We are not afraid of you! MADCHRIS: NOW! Or my friend the hobbit here, will turn you into REAL bugs! PIPPIN: (grins like a maniac) --Spike and Xander hurry away to find eggs-- AUTHOR: End scene. CHRIS: Next scene. Imhotep's throne room! --With a clap of thunder, we are back in the palace of Quee--er..King Imhotep, in the throne room. Genral Sabretooth approaches the...uh King, and kneels-- IMHOTEP: Have you found the child? SABRE: The search goes on, my qu...King. IMHOTEP: (narrows his eyes) Why, with the strength of my great army, can you not find one little child?! SABRE: We look even now. It won't be long. IMHOTEP: (makes a motion as if swatting a fly and Sabre goes flying into a wall) Find the child! Find the child!! Time is running out! --Meanwhile, back to the heroes, who have made camp for the night. Mad Chris's pink skirt has been tucked into his boots to resemble trousers.-- PIPPIN: (whispers to Connor) Good night. MADCHRIS: He is kind'a cute.....when he's quiet. CASSI: All babies are....until they open their mouths and become little monsters! LUKE: Babysit kids, do you? CASSI: (grins) How'd ya guess? LUKE: I've had the same job myself. LEIA: (gives Luke a brainduster) They weren't that bad! HAN: Right. They could only get at everything in the house thanks to their ability to use the Force. CASSI: Got it. Babysitter's nightmare. PIPPIN: (about Connor) He's really a Prince. ANGEL: He is!? BUFFY: Why not? You were Prince Angel! **Shadows** ANGEL: Good point. MADCHRIS: Really? And you're a great sorcerer...and I'm the King of Cashmere. Go to sleep, Pippin. (he lays down) PIPPIN: Goodnight, Mad Chris. --Off to the side, Xander and Spike are asleep on their own little sleeping bags-- XANDER: (talking in his sleep) Bugs.....lots of bugs....bunnies!!! EVIL!! SPIKE: (half awake) Bunnies!? You been around Anya too long, Bug Boy. --Spike goes back to sleep. Mad Chris is also asleep. Pippin picks up the wand and grins evilly.-- PIPPIN: (waves the wand) Tuatha....locktwaar....tuatha....WHAAHOOO!!! (a powerful blast tosses him up into a tree, and wakes up Mad Chris) MADCHRIS: Hmmnh? Pip? Pippin? (looks around, finally spotting Pippin up in the tree, grinning, at about eight feet off the ground) Oh, there you are. PIPPIN: (grinning) That was fun. I wanna do it again! (repeats the words, and suddenly, he is on the ground again) MADCHRIS: (yawns) Goodnight, Pippin. (lays back down) PIPPIN: (stares at the wand in glee) JARETH: Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to give him that thing. CASSI: You have to admit, it's kind of funny to watch him play around with it. STEPHAN: And what happens if he seriously hurts someone with it? Hmm? CHRIS: Then we make him stand in a corner for a while. AUTHOR: Yep, now SCRIPT! --The next morning, Mad Chris is sitting next to a waterfall, playing with Connor and Pippin walks up to them-- PIPPIN: What are you doing? MADCHRIS: I found some blackroot. He loves it. PIPPIN: What's blackroot? Is it any good? CASSI: Never mention anything resembling food around a hobbit. AUTHOR: Can't you follow your script? PIPPIN: (sheepishly) I lost it. VADER: That's not all he's lost. PIPPIN: (glares) WOLVIE: (comes running in, screaming) HELP ME!!! THERE'S A BIG UGLY GREY THING BACKSTAGE! It was gonna eat me! AUTHOR: It's in a cage, it can't eat you! WOLVIE: It tried to BITE me!! It's EVIL!!! CASSI: What were you doing poking your fingers in the cage for? Knew we couldn't keep that thing hidden for long. Better move it again. AUTHOR: Luke? Can you help? LUKE: (nods) Yeah, I've already seen it, anyway. Strange critter. FRODO: What is it then? LUKE: Not a clue. Never seen an alien that looked like that before in my life. LUKE & CASSI: (exit) **well of COURSE it is!! We have the RING! Where do you think we GOT it!?** PIPPIN: Will someone please tell me what Blackroot is!? SAM: A root that's black? DOT: Da-uh! You hobbits aren't very smart. PIPPIN: (growls) MERRY: Will someone let me go now? SNAGGLE: Why? MERRY: Because. SNAGGLE: Because why? MERRY: ARG! DAWN: This is so fun. BUFFY: You are ....weird. SPIKE: Can you blame her? Her sister's the vampire slayer. Being weird comes with the territory. MALCOM: At least the next Batman spoof has been postponed. CASSI: I'll get to it. MALCOM: I can wait. ALAN: I hope I'm not in it. AUTHOR: You aren't. The second one is about Catwoman, whom I doubt you wanna be playing. GLORY: I wanna be Catwoman!!! CASSI: Wait and see. DOUG: (from medlab) You know, we're getting bored in here. Nobody had died in a while. AUTHOR: Ryan? RYAN: Yeah? AUTHOR: Give Dr. Ross what he wants. RYAN: (grins and walks up to Doug, holds up a spray bottle full of green liquid, and sprays the doctor in the face with it) DOUG: (stares confused as Ryan returns to his seat) SCULLY: (walks past him) Nice knowing you. --Doug shrugs and returns to medlab. A few minutes later, there is hysterical laughter, and a loud thud-- MUNGO: (pokes his head out) Very funny, Mr Joker! (glares, before returning to medlab) --Luke and Cassi return from their errand of moving the grey alien's cage to another area....so that certain people will not see him and figure out we have something they thought was destroyed.-- LUKE: That is the weirdest alien I've ever seen. AUTHOR: Who said it was an alien? LUKE: It isn't? Well, what IS it? CASSI: You'll find out in a later spoof. AUTHOR: Now back to the script. PIPPIN: I still don't have mine. CHRIS: So borrow someone else's. AUTHOR: Nah, I got an extra. (gives it to Pippin) Now script. PIPPIN: (reading the script) You know none of this matters, the baby's a boy. AUTHOR: (growls) Fine, skip to the lake. CASSI: But I like the scene by the waterfall. ROMANO: Same here, but the runt has a point. The baby's a boy. CASSI: (does the Wolvie pout) MERRY: Can somebody let me go now? CHRIS: No. You'll follow Pippin. MERRY: (does his own version of the Wolvie pout.....**in case you're wondering, Wolvie sticks his lip out on one side, and Merry does it on the other**) LANGLY: We're getting bored. --Ardeth, Benton, and Wagner bamf onto the set-- AUTHOR: Where did you put him? BENTON: Next to that cage with the grey alien in it. ARDETH: The one that smells bad. CASSI: It's not an alien. WAGNER: Looks like one to me. HAN: Look in the mirror, fuzzy. AUTHOR: Can we get back to the story? WARREN: Why? We're enjoying the fight. AUTHOR: (glares) Jareth? JARETH: Yes? AUTHOR: Warren wants to get on my nerves. Will you please show him what happens when people get on my nerves? JARETH: (grins) With pleasure. (he throws a crystal at Warren, and bunny ears appear on the annoying one's head) BUFFY: Abominable!!!! IT'S GEORGE!!! COME AND GET IT!!! ABOMINABLE: Dere you are, George, you naughty bunny rabbut!! I have been looking all over for you. Why must you always run away? I will have to spank you. (carries Warren off the set) CASSI: I still need him so we can kill him in Mummy Returns. **This took place before Angel sucked them all dry and became Angelus.** AUTHOR: I'm sure he'll be back in time. ROMANO: That was disturbing...and at the same time...incredibly funny. CARTER: (to Ardeth & Benton) Where were you? BENTON: We had to retrieve an old acquaintance. CARTER: Oh? Who? ARDETH: Later, my friend. It is a surprise. CARTER: (grins) Really? I like surprises. BENTON: Trust me. You'll love this one. AUTHOR: Script. NOW! Or I'll let Gaerity have you! MADCHRIS: You know, script sounds like a good idea. PIPPIN: Yes, very good. MURDOC: (to Ryan) They're all afraid of you. RYAN: I noticed. I'm so proud. AUTHOR: Script! --A large lake comes into view as the group reaches the top of a hill-- XANDER: There it is! The island! CASSI: That almost looks like Cutthroat. AUTHOR: It is. We just removed the billboard. **"Cutthroat Island, home of Fingers Adams' legendary buried treasure"** ROMANO: I seem to remember the island on the movie, Willow, was a lot smaller. CHRIS: It was, but we're cheap so we use the one we have. Script. JONATHAN C: Is the gold still in the cave? RUFIO: Of course not. JONATHAN C: Figures. CHRIS: I said SCRIPT! PIPPIN: We made it. SPIKE: We have led you to the island of the sorceress, Gandalf the White... MADCHRIS & PIPPIN: (laugh) CASSI: Good thing Gandalf's still on the island. PENNY: Yeah, or we'd have a squashed bug. SPIKE: HEY! I am NOT a bug. PENNY: Alright,....Spick. LEGOLAS: (laughs) SPIKE: (swears under his breath) CASSI: Hey, Sven, the US Marshals are sleeping. AUTHOR: Will somebody wake them up?! --Carter, Ardeth, and Benton exchange a sly look and hurry backstage. They return, each carrying a bucket of ice water. They proceed to dump the water on Gerard, Cosmo, and Bigg's heads, then bolt offset-- GERARD: (lets out a yell and swears) COSMO: (stares around the set, wondering what just happened) BIGGS: (is still asleep) AUTHOR: No sleeping onset. That's what the bunkhouses are for. **We have dorms where the characters stay during the filming** (she kicks Biggs until he wakes up) BIGGS: Huh? Why am I wet? Did it rain? GERARD: Who did this? CASSI: (innocently) Did what? COSMO: Dumped water on us? MERRY: Maybe if you hadn't been asleep, you'd know. ROMANO: If you hadn't been sleeping, it wouldn't have happened. GERARD: (angrily uses the Farce to shoot a lightning bolt at Romano) --The bolt stops several feet from the doctor, who turns around and pets the ysalamir behind him-- AUTHOR: Let's continue. --Ardeth, Carter, and Benton return to their seats without the buckets. GERARD: (glares at them, suspiciously) SPIKE: Where were we? SCOTT: Something about Gandalf being a sorceress. SPIKE: Right. Thanks, mate. AUTHOR: Spike, you need to finish your line....in fact, repeat it and please call Gandalf a wizard, and not a sorceress. SPIKE: (nods) Got it....We have led you to the island of the wizard, Gandalf the White. We'll get a boat in that village. XANDER: A big boat! (laughs) You know, this role is actually fun. CASSI: And they're back to enjoying themselves. --They walk down to the deserted village beside the lake-- MADCHRIS: Well, looks like I got you here. SPIKE: YOU!? XANDER: What did you do? All you did was hang around and eat our eggs! PIPPIN: I found a boat! We're all set! MADCHRIS: Good. You can take these two lizards out and drown them. SPIKE: Lizards? Who are you calling a lizard?! GILES: Appropriate name for them. CORSAIR: Yes indeed. VADER: I'd have to agree. SPIKE & XANDER: (glare) XANDER: (looks at all of the offenders) Your MOTHERS were lizards! SCOTT: Are you implying that my grandmother was a lizard? XANDER: Eh? Sorry. MADCHRIS: (ignores the bugs and kneels down in front of Connor) Goodbye, Sticks. (glances at Pippin, who is busily preparing the boat for the trip to the island) If you really are a Prince, take care of him. (he starts to walk away) PIPPIN: Mad Chris! MADCHRIS: What? PIPPIN: Thanks. --Mad Chris grins and waves, then turns and walks away. As he passes Spike and Xander, he kicks dirt at them. They react with angry sputtering-- XANDER: Keep walking, you loser! SPIKE: Don't even turn around! --As thunder rumbles, Pippin and the "Brownies" walk into the remnants of a hut, where Connor is sheltered-- PIPPIN: It's all right, Connor. Go to sleep. Nobody'll find you here. I'll be back with Gandalf very soon. SPIKE: We will guard him with our meager lives. ARAGORN: You know, that would have sounded more impressive if you weren't nine inches tall. SPIKE: (glares) AUTHOR: Ahem. ARAGORN: I'll be quiet now. AUTHOR: Good. Back to the script. --Pippin rows out to the island....which, minus the huge billboard, hasn't changed much since "Cutthroat Island"-- LANGLY: Ahh, brings back memories. NIKKI: (smiles at him) BETSY: (comes running in and leaps onto Pippin's shoulder) CASSI: (notices her) Eh....did someone vaccinate the newbies? AUTHOR: Uh....no? CASSI: (yells) Hey medlab! Somebody needs to vaccinate all the people from Middle Earth, and the FBI Agents tied to the chairs! --Abby and Susan come quickly out of medlab, carrying a boxfull of Motaba vaccinations. They proceed to vaccinate all the new people.....eh including the entire Elven army....they had a bit of help for this. As Susan passes Carter, he pulls her into his lap and kisses her. **Apologies to all the "Carby"s, but the Author is following the show, and at this time, Susan was seeing Carter** Abby rolls her eyes, and returns to medlab....Susan stays with Carter-- AUTHOR: Alright, now we can continue.....so continue already! PIPPIN: (starts yelling) Gandalf! Gandalf! I have to talk with you, Gandalf! LOGAN: (in a high munchkin voice) The Wizard's not here, go away, go away! PEANUT GALLERY: (laughing) PIPPIN: Not funny. (looks around) He's not here. --He walks toward the boat, but a strange cry startles him. He spots a muskrat up in the tree-- GANDALF: (mutters something under his breath, before saying his line) Get back! Who are you? Who are you? FRODO: Getting forgetful in your old age? GANDALF: (glares) PIPPIN: I'm Peregrin Took, remember? GANDALF: Stupid Took! What are you doing here? PIPPIN: Reading the script. GANDALF: NO, not what are you DOING! What are you doing HERE!? PIPPIN: Huh? CASSI: Who all is confused about now? --All cast and Peanut Gallery including Pippin raise their hands-- AUTHOR: Maybe you'd better rephrase the question? GANDALF: Why are you on this island? PIPPIN: Because it's in the script. GANDALF: Yes, I know that, but why are you here? PIPPIN: I just told you. It's in the script. **Anyone get the feeling this is getting nowhere?** --The cast and Peanut Gallery is now in stitches on the floor-- GANDALF: I'm going to try this one more time. Would you please tell me, for what reason, did you come to this island? PIPPIN: I already told you. It's in the script. AUTHOR: (finally stops laughing) Pippin, tell him who you're looking for. PIPPIN: Oh!! Is THAT what he wants to know!? (looks at Gandalf) Why didn't you just ASK!? GANDALF: (Lets out a long line of not nice words that we didn't even know he knew) Stupid fool of a Took! PIPPIN: I've come to find the great wizard, Gandalf, the White. GANDALF: That's me. I'm Gandalf. PIPPIN: Gee, I was expecting somebody a little taller...and less fuzzy. GANDALF: (sarcastic) Really funny. I seem to have forgotten how to laugh during my stay as a rodent. CASSI: That's not good. Don't worry, we can make it all better. Wait until you see the cast list for "Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Spoof." GANDALF: You're spoofing THAT?! AUTHOR: (nods) That big Magnet is playing you. MAGNETO: I'm playing WHO!? FRODO: (stares at Magneto) He looks like Gandalf. MAGNETO: I do not. He looks like a rodent. AUTHOR: I think he means when Gandalf ISN'T a rodent. MERRY: Nah, Magneto's nose isn't as big. SAM: And he has a lot less hair. ***BY WAY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT!!! FOR THOSE STAR WARS FANS WHO WANTED TO SEE MAGNETO VS. XAVIER IN THE SCENE FROM "NEW SPOOF", YOU GOT IT!!! THIS WILL BE PART OF "FELLOWSHIP OF THE SPOOF!!!" WE WILL ANNOUNCE THIS ON THE MAIN PROFILE, SO ALL WILL KNOW!!! DON'T MISS OUT!***We now return you to our currently scheduled spoof. CHRIS: Can we continue? MERRY: Is someone stopping you? CHRIS: (glares) I can kill you, Peck. MERRY: Try it! CHRIS: (Looks at the Author) Am I allowed? CASSI: He's askin' for it. AUTHOR: Yep. Go ahead. MERRY: Oops. CHRIS: (pulls out a gun and shoots Merry) One less annoying pest. MUNGO: (pokes his head out) 'Oo's dead now? AUTHOR: Mr. Brandybuck. He's over there tied to the chair. MUNGO: (yells into medlab) We go' a dead one 'ere! --Dave and Kovac come out of medlab and pick up Merry, chair and all, carrying him into medlab-- DONOVAN: (lets out a sigh of relief...as the screaming hobbit is gone) Finally...silence. AUTHOR: Back to the script. PIPPIN: This can't be right. CHRIS: (alarmed) What? Is the script wrong? PIPPIN: (flatly) That was my line. CHRIS: (innocently) Right. My mistake. AUTHOR: Let's continue. GANDALF: One of Jareth's spells transformed me....but I'm supposed to blame Imhotep. IMHOTEP: Figures. Always has to be MY fault. ARDETH: Some things ARE your fault. IMHOTEP: Like what? ARDETH: Egypt nearly getting destroyed...twice..the Scorpion King... IMHOTEP: Excuse me, but I did not put the bracelet on...(looks at Alex)...I did not wake myself up...either time!! ARDETH: Right....I guess we can blame the O'Connells. RICK: Funny. You know, the whole curse wouldn't even have happened if it hadn't been for the Med-jai! EVELYN: Besides, the second time wasn't our fault anyway. AUTHOR: So it was another "We" thing! Shut up about the Mummy! This isn't that spoof! Now back to the script! Gandalf! Say it right! GANDALF: (groans but complies) One of Imhotep's spells transformed me. Believe me, it could have been worse. SAM: Probably will be, with Pippin being the one to have to change you back. GANDALF: Please don't remind me. PIPPIN: You keep that up, and you'll both be stink beetles. AUTHOR: Script! PIPPIN: Well, (pulls out the wand) This wand is for you. It's from Buffy. GILES: Which is surprising, since it works. BUFFY: (glares) GANDALF: Then the prophesy is true. The Prince has been born. Take me to him. CHRIS: Cut and print. Not bad. CASSI: Right. And it only took a half an hour to get through a five minute section. AUTHOR: Could have been worse. Could have taken an hour. CHRIS: Right. We're back across the lake again. NIKKI: (to Langly) Is it me, or was Cutthroat a lot harder for us to get to? LANGLY: It ain't just you. --Back at the deserted village, Pippin sits in the hut with the baby in his arms. Gandalf sits on a nearby container. Betsy is still on Pippin's shoulder-- XANDER: (staring) THAT is Gandalf?! SPIKE: No dummy, that's Betsy. THAT is Gandalf. (points at the muskrat) XANDER: I MEANT the muskrat. SPIKE: Right....I guess I was expecting something a little more grand, too....and a little less...eh.. XANDER: Fuzzy? SPIKE: Fuzzy. GANDALF: Will you two shut up?! SPIKE: No. XANDER: We don't know how. BUFFY: Well, that's no surprise. **Xander shut up!? Good luck. That's like telling Groucho Marx to shut up.**Thanks Emmy!!! We LOVE those guys!!!--Cassi** GANDALF: (to Pippin) You must use the wand. Turn me back into my human form. SAM: You actually trust HIM!? GANDALF: No, I'm following the script. PIPPIN: What do I do? GANDALF: You don't know? PIPPIN: Uh...no. GANDALF: (looks at Jareth) I thought you were teaching him. JARETH: I taught him reversal spells for HIS spells. He's not the one that changed you. (grins) GANDALF: (grumbles under his breath) AUTHOR: Gandalf, get it right or you'll stay that way! GANDALF: (grumbles again, but says his line) You mean you're not a sorcerer? FRODO: It took you THAT long to figure it out? GANDALF: (glares at Frodo) PIPPIN: Yes! Sorta....well, I know a little bit... XANDER & SPIKE: (laugh) PIPPIN: I do know a few tricks. GANDALF: Tricks?! SPIKE: Yeh, he makes my smokes disappear. CASSI: And a lot of other things. GANDALF: Buffy sent YOU!? GILES: That's Buffy for you. BUFFY: (walks over and gives Giles a brainduster) Bad Watcher! GANDALF: (to Pippin) You must learn real magic. SAM: There goes the Shire. PIPPIN: ( to the Author) Can I kill him? GANDALF: If you don't, I will. SAM: Uh-oh. CASSI: Are we gonna have two dead hobbits? SAM: (pale) I promise I'll be good! I swear! I didn't mean nuthin' by it! Please Mister Gandalf, don't hurt me! PIPPIN: (disgusted) It isn't worth it. GANDALF: I agree. SAM: (breaths a sigh of relief) --They are interrupted by the noise of a horse-- SPIKE & XANDER: Horses! GANDALF: Take him! Hurry, hurry! --Everyone runs for cover, but it is too late. A group of Vampire horsemen confront Pippin in the doorway of the hut. Mad Chris is with them, bound at the wrists. His pink dress has been cut down to just a loincloth. Dot pulls out a camera and snaps off pictures. Pippin sets Connor down and draws his sword, and begins fighting vampires. He is of course outnumbered, and soon loses his sword-- SPIKE: (about Mad Chris) I knew he was a traitor! MADCHRIS: Sorry about this, Peck. VAMPIRE 85: Keep your mouth shut! --He backhands Mad Chris, knocking him to the ground. Pippin, seeing that, breaks free of the vampire that is holding him, and attacks the one that hit Mad Chris. He knocks him it off its feet and stakes it with a stick from the ground-- SPIKE: Alright, so the runt is pretty good. AUTHOR: Script!!! Again! CHRIS: Beginning to feel like a broken record? AUTHOR: (sighs and nods) VAMPIRE 60: Gimme that baby! PIPPIN: He's sitting right there. Get him yourself! VAMPIRE 35: (grabs Gandalf by his tail) GANDALF: Get your dukes off of me!!! FRED: (rides up and inspects the crying baby) This is the one we're looking for. We must take it back to Nockmaar. VAMPIRE 35: (stuffs Gandalf into a burlap sack) FRED: (looks at Mad Chris, who is lying on the ground) Lose your skirt? MADCHRIS: (stands up ans walks over to look her boldly in the eye) Still got what counts. FRED: Not for long. SPIKE: Ouch. FRED: (kicks Mad Chris in the jaw, almost knocking him down, then starts riding away) Bring him! VAMPIRE 26: (grabs Chris) Over here! --Another vampire drags the struggling Pippin over to the horses, and they all ride away. Spike and Xander run after the horses, then stop-- XANDER: We'll never keep up with these horses. SPIKE: Then we will have to track them. XANDER: That would take forever. Besides, even if we find them, they'll catch us, stick us in cages, torture us, and then finally devour us. SPIKE: (stares) You have one sick mind, Bug Boy. XANDER: No more than yours, Spike-Bug. CASSI: This is actually amusing. AUTHOR: Get it right! SPIKE: Are you suggesting we go home? XANDER: Nah....this is more fun! SPIKE: All right. Fine then. Come on! (they start running after the horses) BUFFY: Well, that was different. SPIKE: Are you kidding? I've never had so much fun in my life! XANDER: Ditto! AUTHOR: Hmf...who'd have thought it? They like being nine inches tall. CASSI: I'd never have guessed. --Thunder rumbles as the Vampire troops march along. One of the horsemen carries the wailing baby. Gandalf is imprisoned in a small cage, dangling at the back of a wagon. Mad Chris and Pippin walk behind the same wagon, chained at the neck and bound at the wrists. Mad Chris is now dressed entirely in black. Cassi and the Author exchange a look, pull out their own cameras, and take pictures. Mad Chris poses for the camera.-- PIPPIN: I'm worried about Connor. He doesn't sound good. GANDALF: Hurry! Practice the chant I taught you. PIPPIN: Tanna.....luatha....oh, I can't remember the middle part. GANDALF: You fool of a Took! It's Loctwarr...that's the word that pleads for change. PIPPIN: Locktwarr... --Fred rides up to them. Pippin clams up and dodges away from her, leaving Mad Chris next to her.-- PIPPIN: (to Fred) Connor's cold and hungry. He knows me. Please let me take care of him. FRED: I don't need help from a Peck. --Pippin glares at her and reaches up to his chained neck--Mad Chris is glaring at Fred-- FRED: What are you staring at? MADCHRIS: Your leg. I'd like to break it. FRED: You might find that difficult, slave, while I'm up here, and you're down there. (she starts to spur her horse, then stops short when she notices something) Where's Pippin? MADCHRIS: (turns) He was right here a second ago. --The chain that was around Pippin's neck is now dragging on the ground, and the hobbit is nowhere to be seen-- FRED: (yelling) Company HALT! CASSI: Where'd he go? AUTHOR: How'd he get loose and that quickly? Why weren't you watching him? FRED: Why'd the baby stop crying? --Everyone turns. The Vampire that had been holding Connor is nowhere to be seen. There is only a pile of dust in the saddle-- ANGEL: Impressive. BUFFY: But where'd he go? FRODO: He couldn't have disappeared, because he doesn't have the ring, and it was destroyed anyway. AUTHOR: Peregrin Took. of you don't show yourself right now, you'll be in big trouble! PIPPIN: (re-enters from offset, carrying a now happy Connor) I had to get him food. AUTHOR: Uh huh...and what else were you doing? PIPPIN: (sheepish) Getting food for myself? SPIKE: Figures. PIPPIN: Oh yeah, I also saw your grey skinned friend in the cage. (gives the Author an "I want an explanation" Look) AUTHOR: (whispers in Pippin's ear for a moment) PIPPIN: (grins) AUTHOR: And you'd better keep that mouth of your shut! PIPPIN: (nods) No problem. FRED: (takes Connor from Pippin) Get back to your spot, Peck! --Pippin walks as slowly as possible back to his position behind the wagon. Then he allows a vampire to clamp the chain back on, and bind his hands.-- AUTHOR: Okay now, SCRIPT! FRED: (spurs her horse and rides on ahead as the group moves on) MADCHRIS: I hate that woman. --The journey continues. The vampire camp is high up an a snow-covered mountain. As they near the camp, Pippin falls and is dragged behind the wagon. Mad Chris rushes over and picks him up-- PIPPIN: Put me down, I can walk. MADCHRIS: (shrugs and puts him down) You sure? PIPPIN: (nods) Thanks anyway, though. --General Sabretooth and a couple of mummies ride out to meet Fred and her troops. She spurs forward to meet him and shows him the baby-- FRED: I found it, Sabre. That should make my father happy. PIPPIN: What are they gonna do to him? MADCHRIS: (doesn't reply, but stares after Fred and Connor) AUTHOR: And now we go to nightfall. Boy, I could really use a nap. Not that I'd sleep on this set. CASSI: You sleep? AUTHOR: Yeah, the doctor gave me a bunch of sedatives, so I can actually sleep at night instead of slaming my head into a wall to make the pain stop. ROMANO: Yeah, I'd say you're better off with the sedatives. Slamming your head into a wall isn't normally considered to be a cure for a headache. AUTHOR: (flatly) I know. CASSI: Yeah, well at least you're not waking me up at all hours of the night anymore. AUTHOR: Right, back to the spoof. --Night time....the snow camp is quiet, patrolled by soldiers and Neverwolves. Pippin and Mad Chris are locked in a small cage, and Gandalf remains in her....er excuse me..his original cage. Pippin uses Buffy's wand to stir a potion he is making-- PIPPIN: Hither....wolha....bairn...deru.....bordak.....bellanokt! MADCHRIS: That's magic? Smells terrible. PIPPIN: Well, it certainly isn't food. It's the life-spark....forms after.-- MADCHRIS: (interrupting) Well it stinks! This whole thing stinks! PIPPIN: (Disdainful) Is it my fault you didn't bathe? MADCHRIS: (glares) Why I oughta... AUTHOR: Shut up, M.C. GANDALF: Ignore him, Pippin. He's a fool. More so than you even. PIPPIN: Thanks....I think. MADCHRIS: If I only had a sword. (brandishes an imaginary sword) PIPPIN: If only you'd quit talking about it. GANDALF: Pippin, you must transform me to my human form. PIPPIN: Why? GANDALF: It's in the script. PIPPIN: (reads the script) The script says I turn you into a crow. GANDALF: (furious) And why wasn't that in MY script! AUTHOR: Um....maybe it was a typo? GANDALF: Sure it was. CHRIS: Pippin, get it right. PIPPIN: But Gandalf, I'm not ready yet! GANDALF: You'd better be! Get me down! --Mad Chris knocks the wooden cage down with a long stick, and the cage falls open on landing. Mad Chris bangs his head on the metal bars of his own cage-- MADCHRIS: (clutching his head) OWWW! (to Pippin) Why don't you help me get out of here instead of chatting with that muskrat? GANDALF: Muskrat? When I change back to my former self, I will crush this army and take Connor Angel to Tara's Lane where he will be safe. (bites Pippin's finger) PIPPIN: OWWW!! Wha'dja do THAT for, you lousy RAT!? GANDALF: You need three drops of your blood to put in the potion. PIPPIN: (glaring) We'll see about that. GANDALF: Wuss. PIPPIN: Well, you could have warned me. MADCHRIS: (rolls his eyes in disgust) GANDALF: For beginners, there's some pain, but don't let anything break your concentration. PIPPIN: (stands, holds the wand, and closes his eyes, muttering) I'll show you...(begins to chant) Hither greenan bairn covort lunanokt.... --Spike and Xander come running up. Gandalf is frowning-- SPIKE: Hello, everybody! We have arrived. XANDER: You are saved! PIPPIN: Shhh. GANDALF: Don't intrrupt. PIPPIN: Hither greenan bairn covort lunanokt....(continues) MADCHRIS: What are you gonna look like if this works? SAM: An old guy with a beard, long hair and a pointy hat. GANDALF: Don’t' interrupt. MADCHRIS: Sorry. PIPPIN: (continues chanting as the wand starts glowing) GANDALF: I am a wizard, old, yet wise. MERRY: (from medlab) You aren't very modest though, are you? GANDALF: Don't interrupt. MERRY: Sorry. CASSI: Don't be sorry, be QUIET! MERRY, MADCHRIS, SPIKE, SAM & XANDER: SORRY! GANDALF: Don't interrupt! Shut up! PIPPIN: (continues the chant) GANDALF: Are you sure that's the right chant? Something seems off. PIPPIN: (nods and continues) Hither greenan bairn covort--AHH!! (drops the wand, clutching his wrist) MADCHRIS: (catches him before he falls over) You alright, Pip? Nice try. --Gandalf has been turned into a very large stink beetle-- GANDALF: You had better fix this! NOW! PIPPIN: Ask me nicely and maybe I will. GANDALF: (sighs) Please will you change me back, Pippin? PIPPIN: Loktwar claideb! (changes Gandalf into a raven) SPIKE: Well, he's not a bug anymore. CHRIS: Script. SPIKE: The hobbit really butchered THAT one. PIPPIN: (grins) That was fun. SPIKE: You want out? XANDER: Easy! We can pick a lock. Come on! --They go to work on the lock with Spike's spear.-- XANDER: No no no no no! Let me! SPIKE: I know what I'm doing! It's MY spear! Leave it alone. MADCHRIS: Let me do it. Out of the way, rodents. (starts working on the lock with the spear) SPIKE: Take your hand off it! You leave it alone, you stupid fat..DAIKINI! --Spike whacks Mad Chris in the nose with his pouch. A small cloud of dust appears on impact. Mad Chris backs away-- MADCHRIS: Ow. XANDER: (laughing) Dust of the Broken Heart! (laughs more) --Mad Chris's pained annoyance suddenly turns into a dreamy-eyed bliss. The "Brownies" drag the lock open-- SPIKE: You are free. PIPPIN: Took you long enough. SPIKE: Oh yeah, way to be grateful....complain. PIPPIN: Come on, Mad Chris. Let's get Connor Angel out of here. MADCHRIS: (grinning like an idiot) Yeah...that'd be....fun. ARDETH: I think Mad Chris has gone bye-bye. CARTER: What was that stuff, anyway. AUTHOR: Sone sort of fairy dust. (shrugs) We stole it from the real brownies. PIPPIN: (to Mad Chris) Come on. --Keeping an eye out for the guards, they sneak across the camp-- PIPPIN: Are you alright? MADCHRIS: Yeah...(flops down in the snow) I feel....good. CHRIS: That must be pretty good stuff. XANDER: Dust of the Broken Heart. SPIKE: At least it isn't me again. PIPPIN: (to Mad Chris) Come on. --They head for Fred's tent-- XANDER: Let me see! SPIKE: Let ME see! XANDER: You always see! --Spike and Xander start beating each other up-- CASSI: I knew that was coming. AUTHOR: Yeah. Spike! Xander! Break it up! PIPPIN: (peeking into the tent) There's Connor, right there, on those furs. XANDER: Hey wait! SPIKE: Leave this to us. It's too dangerous for you! MADCHRIS: Only one of us should go in there. I've got experience in this sort of thing. I know what I'm doing. PIPPIN: You're also high on fairy dust, so there's no way you should be allowed to go in there. Besides, I'm the better thief. SPIKE: I'm better. PIPPIN: You're also nine inches tall, and unable to carry a baby. MADCHRIS: The script says I do it. PIPPIN: It also says you fall all over Fred. GUNN: That's MY girlfriend, you know! AUTHOR: Script! --Mad Chris ignores Pippin's orders, crawls into the tent and creeps over to the baby. He glares over at the sleeping Fred, then looks back at the baby. Then, suddenly, his attention is riveted on Fred. Looking stupified, he starts walking toward her.-- SPIKE & XANDER: Uh-oh. PIPPIN: (glares down at them) This is your fault. MADCHRIS: (leans over Fred as if he wants to kiss her) I love you. PIPPIN: (yelling loud enough to wake the dead) Mad Chris, what are you doing!? Get the baby! Go! GANDALF: And people still wonder how our presence was discovered in Moria. **that would be Pippin's fault**(duh) PIPPIN: Oh shut up, birdie! --Mad Chris turns to go after Connor, but at the last minute, he turns back toward Fred, clutching his heart-- MADCHRIS: Oh Fred. **at the computer, Cassi makes gagging noises...What? I just ate. Give me a break.** GUNN: (glares) PIPPIN: (sighs and claps his hand to his forehead) XANDER & SPIKE: (do the same, groaning silently) MADCHRIS: Wake up from this hateful sleep. PIPPIN: (crawls into the tent) MADCHRIS: (continues) It deprives me of your beauty. The beauty of your eyes! FRED: (pulls a knife and points it at Mad Chris's crotch) One move, jackass, and you really WILL be a woman. GUNN: You tell him, baby! FRED: (gets up and pushes him away) MADCHRIS: You are my sun, my moon, my starlit sky. Without you, I dwell in darkness. I love you. CASSI: (makes a very unattractive disgusted face) Gag. ASH: Big time. (making the same face) MISTY: I think it's romantic. PIPPIN: You're insane. CASSI: Personally, I think it's pathetic. MISTY: (glares) FRED: (to Mad Chris) What are you doing here? DOT: I think that part is obvious, don't you? YAKKO: Duh.... MADCHRIS: Your power has enchanted me. I stand helpless against it. Come to me now. Tonight, let me worship you in my arms. LUKE: I think I'm gonna be sick. MARA: (elbows him) GUNN: (glaring) He'd better not try anything. FRED: Get away from me. MADCHRIS: I love you! ROMANO: He's making me sick. CASSI: He's making us all sick. LEGOLAS: Most definitely. ARAGORN: You people don't have a romantic bone in your body, do you? AUTHOR: Sure we do, but this isn't romantic. It's disgustingly desperate. There's a difference. FRED: (to Mad Chris) Stop saying that! PIPPIN: (from across the room) Yes, please stop. MADCHRIS: Can I stop the beating of my heart? It pounds like never before. GUNN: (muttering) Touch my woman, and I'll stop it for you. FRED: (to Mad Chris) Aye, with fear. MADCHRIS: Ah, with love. FRED: I can stop it. I'll kill you. MERRY: Please do....before we all get sick over here. CASSI: Too late. MADCHRIS: Death next to love is a trivial thing. PIPPIN: (holding a crossbow) Is that so? I guess we'll find out. (fires the crossbow) --The arrow hits Mad Chris in the middle of the back, killing him instantly, as he falls to the floor-- FRED: (grins) Thankyou! ALL: (wild cheering) PIPPIN: (takes a bow) AUTHOR: Okay, now we have to bring him back. CASSI: Mungo! MUNGO: (pokes his head out) 'Ow come you people can' stop killin' the stahs?! ROMANO: The guy was making us sick. MUNGO: Roigh'. (to medcrew) Go' anothah one, an' 'e 'as to be aloive as fas' as possible! --Dave and Kovac come out and carry Mad Chris back to medlab-- FRED: I guess that means we're on break? GUNN: Nice shootin', Pip. PIPPIN: (proudly) Thankyou. ARAGORN: I don't believe you did that. PIPPIN: He was asking for it. SPIKE: Besides, it's doubtful he'll even remember. He was so high on fairy dust, he didn't know what was even going on. XANDER: Good point. MERRY: That was a good shot, Pip. Where did you learn to shoot like that? PIPPIN: Legolas taught me. LEGOLAS: He was a good student. HAN: (to the Author) This is the third time you've killed someone in a star role. AUTHOR: I didn't kill him. I just approved of it. 'Sides, I didn't approve of the other two. RYAN: (pouting) I got in trouble.... MURDOC: Yeah, well the whole set didn't want Malcom dead. Pippin did us a favor. This was different. If he hadn't have shot him, someone else would have. RYAN: (sighs) Right. I would have. WOLVIE: Is this movie over? AUTHOR: No, when it's over, you'll be acting. WOLVIE: Huh? CASSI: Star role? WOLVIE: Am I playing Sir Didymus again? AUTHOR: No, you're playing Pippin. PIPPIN: Huh? WOLVIE: Pippin? AUTHOR: Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Spoof. WOLVIE: First I'm his son, then I'm HIM!? MERRY: Who's playing me? AUTHOR: Boyo. MERRY: Great, he can scream louder than the Ringwraiths. PIPPIN: So that's why you have-- AUTHOR: (glaring) Shut your mouth before I shut it for you, and you'll never open it again. PIPPIN: (pale) Uh, don't know nothing, didn't see nothing. CHRIS: Good hobbit....if you tried to tell all, we'd have to feed you to our little grey friend backstage. PIPPIN: (faints) CASSI: Great job. Now wake him up. SPIKE: Something scared the big strong Knight of Gondor? FRODO: (thinking) That would have to be... AUTHOR: Shut up! Or you'll be Abominable's new friend! FRODO: Shutting up now. SAM: (stares) What grey thing? AUTHOR: I said no talking about it! SAM: Why? CASSI: He isn't very smart, is he? MERRY: Sam has a point. Pippin recognized the grey thing. AUTHOR: No, he said he saw it. He didn't say he recognized it. MERRY: But he was afraid of it. AUTHOR: And your point is? SAM: What is it? LUKE: Some grey skinned alien, probably a halfbreed or something. WOLVIE: "Or something" sounds right. I can smell him. He stinks. SAM: It's a he? CASSI: Could be an orc. AUTHOR: Yeah, they smell. MERRY: You have a pet orc? SAM: You're not serious? WAGNER: Vhy don't you mind you own business? (nervously pulls at the front of his shirt) CASSI: (glares) Stop that! WAGNER: (cheesy grin) Sorry. FRED: How long is it going to take to bring that moron back? AUTHOR: He's not a moron. He's a genius. REALLY, he is! MURDOC: We don't believe you. AUTHOR: (pulls out a video, and tosses it to Murdoc) Watch it. MURDOC: (looks at the cover, then laughs as he reads the back) What do you know? He IS a genius! RYAN: (snatches it) Hey, he is. Impressive. You can hardly tell. ROMANO: An insane genius. Interesting. MADCHRIS: You talking about me? CASSI: Are you better now? MADCHRIS: What happened? SPIKE: You said you were in love with Fred. MADCHRIS: I don't love her! Ugh! I HATE her! AUTHOR: I don't care how much you hate her! You still have to finish the scene. CASSI: How about you skip to when Sabre comes in, carrying Pippin and Connor? SPIKE: Good plan, but there's one problem. AUTHOR: What's that? SPIKE: (points at Pippin, who is still laying unconscious on the floor) CASSI: Oops. AUTHOR: Someone wake him up. MERRY: (walks over and kicks Pippin) Wake up. PIPPIN: (groans) No, ma. Go away. MERRY: Wake up, Pippin! I'm not your ma! PIPPIN: (still asleep) Go 'way, Merry! Don't wanna get up! CARTER: (grabs a bucket, walks backstage, and returns with it full of water) Wake up, Pippin. PIPPIN: (still asleep) No. --Carter shrugs and dumps the whole bucket of water over Pippin. Pippin jumps to his feet, startled-- PIPPIN: What--Who-- AUTHOR: Time to act. PIPPIN: I have to change my clothes now. AUTHOR: Bobby, could you save him the time? BOBBY: (uses his mutant power to draw all the moisture from Pippin's clothes) CASSI: Impressive. A human hair drier. AUTHOR: Now time to act. Sabre, we're starting with you. Pippin, you need to get Connor. Everybody, get to your spots. FRED: Do we have to? CASSI: Yes. CHRIS: Move it or lose it. --Fred and Mad Chris move into each other's arms and glare. Sabre comes storming in, carrying Pippin, who is holding the baby-- SABRE: What goes on here? (drops Pippin into a pile of furs) FRED: (looks at the baby's empty bed, then turns back to Mad Chris) Deceiver! --Fred goes after Mad Chris with the knife, but he kicks it out of her hand. Sabre and a few vampires with him draw their swords-- SABRE: Stop him! VAMPIRE 15: Why? He's supposed to get away. SABRE: (growls) VAMPIRE 15: Alright already! --Mad Chris grabs Fred's sword and cuts the tent's center pole. As the tent collapses, he shoves Fred across the tent at Sabre, knocking them both over. Pippin crawls from under the tent with Connor, while Mad Chris slices his way out with the sword. They are promptly attacked by vampire soldiers, but Mad Chris fights them off....to the surprise of the people on set-- PIPPIN: About time you learned to fight. MADCHRIS: Yeah, now who killed me? PIPPIN: Uh...I'll tell you later. --Mad Chris nods and then juggles his sword cockily, slips, and lands on his rear. The vampires stand around, laughing.-- MADCHRIS: (to Pippin) Get on that shield! --Pippin sits on the shield, that is laying on the ground in the snow. Mad Chris fights soldiers and is about to join Pippin when Fred comes out of the tent-- MADCHRIS: Hey Fred! Nyner nyner nyner!! I got away!!! (sticks his tongue out) SABRE: After them! --Mad Chris hastily sits down on the shield, and Pippin pushes at the snow, sending the shield sliding down the mountainside. The vampires run after them but can't match the shield's speed-- PIPPIN: WAAAHOOOO!!!!! MERRY: Not fair. VAMPIRE 8: They're getting away! FRED: (gives him a brainduster) You only just noticed that?! --The heros zoom down the treacherous mountainside. Pippin and Connor aer enjoying themselves. Mad Chris is hanging on for dear life, and they are soon clear of the camp. Meanwhile, Spike and Xander struggle out of the collapsed tent-- SPIKE: Hey Xander!? Where are you? XANDER: Where are YOU?! SPIKE: I don't bloody well know. XANDER: I don't know where I am either. BUFFY: This is amusing. SPIKE: Can somebody turn on the light? XANDER: I'm gonna suffocate under here. DAWN: You guys are looney. SPIKE: Will somebody get me out of here before I die? GILES: You're already dead. SPIKE: Right...sorry, I forgot. ANGELUS: He's having memory lapses. He must be having too much fun. How could he forget he's dead? SPIKE: I was joking. AUTHOR: Will you idiots just get out from under there? --They emerge into sunlight and look around-- SPIKE: Oh...NOW where did everyone go?! XANDER: Maybe it was something we said. --Sabre and a squadron of vampire and mummy horsemen thunder down the mountain after the heroes, who continue their swift ride down the dangerous slope. Mad Chris is yelling in fear, while Pippin and Connor are enjoying themselves. After the shield goes airborne with a rough landing, Mad Chris falls off and starts rolling. Pippin and Connor manage to stay on the shield, which heads into a village, and straight through the open door of a hut. There is a loud crash-- PIPPIN: That was fun. Can I do it again? AUTHOR: Better look outside. --Pippin walks to the door and looks out, his eyes widening in amazement-- PIPPIN: That looks like fun, too. CASSI: Somehow, I doubt Mad Chris is agreeing with you. --A giant snowball is rolling straight toward the hut. Pippin hastily shuts himself inside. Clumps of snow fly through the window, accompanied by the sound of impact. Pippin goes outside to find Mad Chris struggling out of the remains of the snowball, as the villagers gather around-- MADCHRIS: I feel like an ice-cold milkshake. PIPPIN: Are you alright? MADCHRIS: What happened up there? PIPPIN: You started spouting poetry. MADCHRIS: Poetry?! I don't even read the stuff. PIPPIN: Yeah...(mimics him) "I love you, Fred. I worship you, Fred." You almost got us killed! MADCHRIS: Who killed me? PIPPIN: You needed to be put out of your misery. AUTHOR: Script. MADCHRIS: "I love you, Fred?!" I don't love her! She kicked me in the face! I hate her....don't I? GANDALF: (flies in, cawing) Sabre! Sabre! TUMBLE: (pointing up the mountain) Vampire soldiers! HAN: Come on! Hide! Get the children! MADCHRIS: They're after us. We need a place to hide. HAN: Come on! Follow me, quick! Come on! MOVE! --The vampire horsemen thunder into the village. Pippin and Mad Chris are lead to the dusty cellar, and discover that a number of elves are already there. Suddenly, one of them grabs Mad Chris' shoulder.-- LEGOLAS: I knew you'd get out of that rat-trap. --Mad chris grins, then slams him up against the wall. Legolas, knocks him back and the two begin to duke it out while the rest of the group watches and comments-- ELF 52: Legolas is a little out of practice for hand to hand confrontation. PIPPIN: Mad Chris punches like a sissy girl. ELVES: (nod in agreement) MADCHRIS: You left me in there to die, Legolas. LEGOLAS: It was in the script...besides, you called me a woman. (punches Mad Chris in the gut) MADCHRIS: (gasping for breath) You're a jerk, you know that? A stuck up jerk. LEGOLAS: (laughs) you know? You're almost amusing. CASSI: Actually, it's VERY amusing. FRED: Actually, what's really amusing, is we can hear them fighting all the way up here. AUTHOR: All right. Break it up, and get back to the script! --Mad Chris and Legolas stop fighting a glare at each other.-- SABRE: Tear this village apart! Look everywhere! Find the child! --As Fred and her soldiers search the hut, they knock a table over with a loud crash. Connor starts wailing. While Pippin frantically tries to quiet the baby, Gandalf flies through the hut, cawing loudly to distract and mislead Fred-- FRED: Why does he bother? I already know they're down there. PIPPIN: (to Legolas & Mad Chris) And we all know why that is, don't we? --All the soldier Elves nod and glare at Legolas and Mad Chris-- LEGOLAS: (defensively) They find it anyway. It's in the script. AUTHOR: So stop talking and follow it. SABRE: Tell Fred I search the North bank. VAMPIRE 87: Yes, General. --Sabre rides away with several vampires. Inside the hut, Fred kicks aside an animal-skin rug and discovers the trapdoor underneath. FRED: (Feigning surprise) Look! A trapdoor! What a surprise. AUTHOR: (flatly) Very funny. --As Fred slowly descends the cellar steps, Legolas gives Mad Chris a dagger. They wait tensely for Fred to come nearer. Fred cries out in surprise when Mad Chris grabs her wrist, jerks her off the steps, and puts the dagger to her throat.-- VAMPIRE 96: Fred! MADCHRIS: Back! Back! VAMPIRE 96: Why? I don't care if you kill her. She works with Angel. --Legolas shoves Mad Chris and Fred out of the way, and fires an arrow at the vampire thug, turning it to dust.-- LEGOLAS: The doorway is clear now. MADCHRIS: Yeah, but we now have a problem. LEGOLAS: What? MADCHRIS: When you shoved me, you knocked my arm. (he points to a very dead Fred, who has her throat cut) LEGOLAS: Oops. AUTHOR: (smacks her hand to her forehead) GUNN: NO!! (runs to Fred's side) Lousy Elf! LEGOLAS: Hey, HE had the knife to her throat. ARAGORN: Yes, but you gave him the very sharp elven knife. --Gunn lifts Fred up and carries her to the medlab. In the meantime, Legolas and Mad Chris start fighting again. This time over who's fault it was-- PIPPIN: I'm hungry. CASSI: Again?! PIPPIN: I haven't eaten in a while. MERRY: I'm hungry, too. SAM: Same here. FRODO: I'm kinda hungry, too. WOLVIE: HEY! If they get to eat! So do WE! CREEPY: Yeah! CYKE: Feed uth! GUMBO: I'm hungry, too. SNAGGLE: I wanna EAT! BOYO: I'm gonna scream if I don't get to eat. AUTHOR: Alright, we'll take a break. --The X-Babies and Hobbits high-five each other as the Jawas come in with food carts-- CASSI: It's a conspiracy, I tell you. AUTHOR: Oh yeah. --20 minutes later, after everyone has eaten and Fred is back among the living, the spoof continues-- FRED: (glares at Legolas) I'm blaming you. AUTHOR: Yeah, but Mad Chris was holding the knife, so he gets the credit for your death. (writes it down) FRED: CREDITED!? You're keeping track of who KILLS people!? AUTHOR: Yep. I've even got the total of who kills the most. Of course it doesn't count un named vampires, Med-jai, or Assassins. MURDOC: Who's killed the most? CASSI: You have to ask? MURDOC: Yes. AUTHOR: Ryan Gaerity. RYAN: (grins) MURDOC: Who's in second place? AUTHOR: Not you. MURDOC: Who?! AUTHOR: John Carter. ARDETH: (pats him on the back) Nice work. ROMANO: (to Carter) Now you're really fired. CARTER: You mean I wasn't before? ROMANO: Not entirely. CARTER: (Looks at Cassi) Can I kill him? CASSI: (shakes her head) No. CARTER: (does the Wolvie pout) AUTHOR: Time to continue. BENTON: Just how many has Carter killed? AUTHOR: I said it's time to continue. BENTON: HOW many? AUTHOR: Can somebody get rid of him? ROMANO: (grabs a gun) My pleasure. (shoots him) Ahhh, that felt great. RYAN: Nice shooting. ROMANO: I owed him one. **Fugitive, Benton killed Romano** CARTER: Mungo! We got another one for you! MUNGO: (gives Carter a look) Is this anothah one of yo'ahs? CARTER: Nah, Romano bagged this one. CASSI: Gee, you make it sound like you're on a hunting trip. AUTHOR: Now, shall we continue? MUNGO: (drags Benton out) The things Oi've 'ad ta do....is i' too much to ask for you to stop killin' me medical people!? (slams the medlab door) CHRIS: Right then. Back to the spoof! It's time the party was over. Pippin, put the food away and get the baby. You've had enough time to eat. PIPPIN: (does the Wolvie pout, but obeys) AUTHOR: Mad Chris? Fred? Get moving. --Mad Chris, holding Fred, leads the way, as the group comes out of the cellar-- LEGOLAS: (to Pippin) Keep the baby quiet. PIPPIN: I am NOT changing his diaper! FRED: (pushes Mad Chris out of the way) I'll do it. CASSI: Ehh..... AUTHOR: Pippin, you will do as the script says. Fred, get back where you were. --Fred does as she is told, and Mad Chris looks out the window-- MADCHRIS: Vampire and Mummy scum. FRED: You'll never defeat us! Give up the baby! MADCHRIS: Shut up. --Pippin pulls out a clothespin, and puts it on his nose, then settles down next to the fireplace to change the baby-- LEGOLAS: What does Imhotep want with this baby anyway? PIPPIN: Do I look like I know?! It's in the script! I would have to assume that's the reason. CHRIS: Get it right, shorty. You ain't an assistant in this one. That means you can be killed. PIPPIN: (sighs) He's really a Prince. (quietly) Not. (louder) We're taking her to Tara's Lane. BUFFY: I wasn't aware Tara HAD a lane. TARA: Neither was I. AUTHOR: You learn a lot of things in spoofs. PORTHOS: Like nobody knows how to pronounce anything correctly? ASH: You can say that again. PORTHOS: That I could, Mr. Ketchup. ASH: (does the Wolvie glare) CHRIS: Script. LEGOLAS: Tara's Lane? Even if you could find it, she's right. You'd never get past the Vampire and Mummy army. PIPPIN: There's an even bigger army at Tara's Lane. If we can just get there. LEGOLAS: (to Mad Chris) I've lost more than half of my army fighting Imhotep. Now you and this Halfling are going to take him on? You always told me you served no one, Mad Chris. Since when are you a crusader? (to Pippin) He's not going to help you, Halfling. He's a worthless thief. SPIKE: Like the rat's any better? MADCHRIS: I'm not a thief, Legolas. PIPPIN: (to Legolas) He's not a thief...(to Mad Chris) Are you? FRODO: Does it matter? He can't be any worse a thief than you and Merry. MERRY & PIPPIN: (glare at him) --There is a long pause as Mad Chris thinks about his answer. He stands up, dragging Fred with him-- MADCHRIS: I serve the Hobbit, Legolas. LEGOLAS: That's funny, considering he's the one who shot you. MADCHRIS: (gives Pippin a dirty look) Is THAT so!? PIPPIN: You deserved it. CASSI: You were gonna make us puke. If he hadn't, one of us would have. MADCHRIS: (glares) Just wait, Peck. I'll get you. AUTHOR: Script now. Revenge later. MADCHRIS: (to Legolas) Wanna come with us? LEGOLAS: You'll never make it, Mad Chris. If the army doesn't kill you, that Hobbit will....again. MADCHRIS: Then once again, we say goodbye. --Mad Chris forces Fred outside, followed by Pippin, with the baby. Mad Chris and Fred mount one of the horses tethered there, and Pippin takes another. They are unnoticed until Fred calls out-- FRED: Over here! VAMPIRE 43: Fred! --The vampires start to advance on them-- MADCHRIS: Weapons down or she's dead...eh.....again. --Reluctantly, the vampires throw down their swords-- PIPPIN: (to his horse) Heyah!! Heyah! --They ride out of the village. The vampires immediately grab their weapons-- VAMPIRE 23: Get the horses! After them! --Unfortunately, the pursuit is threatened by Legolas and his men, who start firing arrows at the vampires, dusting them. The villagers, which include Buffy and a bunch of Peanut Gallery members, join in the mayhem, and start staking the vampires that are missed by Legolas and the other elves. Gandalf flies after the group headed for Tara's Lane, and Legolas watches them as they get farther away-- LEGOLAS: Why am I watching them when I should be fighting? AUTHOR: (shrugs) Cuz it's in the script? --Some time later, the group has left the snowy height, and have arrived at the entrance to an arid canyon maze, with guidance from Gandalf.-- GANDALF: This way! This way! As the crow flies, you fools! PIPPIN: (yelling) We could do without the puns!! CASSI: Amen to that. XANDER: Can someone explain to me why they left us behind...again? MERRY: You mean you need that explained? I thought it was obvious. CHRIS: Script. And you guys ain't in it right now, so shut up! --Mad Chris and Fred are still riding on the same horse, with Fred in front of Mad Chris, as he holds her in place-- FRED: You're holding me too tight! MADCHRIS: Well, I don't want you to get away. FRED: Why? Because I'm your sun, your moon, your starlit sky? MADCHRIS: Get your hair out of my face or I'll chop it off...(pause) Did I really....did I really say those things last night in your tent? FRED: You said you loved me. GUNN: Don't remind us. MADCHRIS: I don't remember that. FRED: You lied to me. MADCHRIS: No, I.....just wasn't myself last night. CASSI: So we noticed. PIPPIN: Unfortunately. FRED: I suppose my power enchanted you, and you were powerless against it. MADCHRIS: Sort of. FRED: Then what? MADCHRIS: It went away. FRED: (yelling) Went away!? "I dwell in darkness without you", and it WENT AWAY!?!? MADCHRIS: Yeah. --Fred angrily elbows him in the belly, and leaps off the horse. Mad Chris dismounts, runs after her, and tackles her, pinning her to the ground-- FRED: (angrily) You're a JERK! GUNN: (glares) MADCHRIS: Hey, why don't you blame the guys who are nine inches tall!? THEY'RE the ones who threw that stuff in my face! PIPPIN: (to his horse) Whoa! MADCHRIS & FRED: (glare at each other) GANDALF: Hurry! Sabre's coming! War! MADCHRIS: (pulls Fred to her feet and starts dragging her toward the horse) PIPPIN: Mad Chris! Come ON! NOW! FRED: (breaks free and starts to run) MADCHRIS: (starts after her) PIPPIN: Mad Chris!! Come on! Leave her! MADCHRIS: But-- GANDALF: They're coming! Away! PIPPIN: (to his horse) Go on! Hyah! --Making up his mind, Mad Chris jumps on his horse. Fred stops running, and for a long moment, their eyes meet-- GUNN: (glares) FRED: (turns and runs away) MADCHRIS: (sets out after Pippin and Gandalf) Hyah!!! --Further down the canyon, Sabre and his troops pause to examine the trail-- SABRE: Why do I have to stop to look at their tracks? I can smell them. MADCHRIS: Is he saying we stink? GANDALF: Will you stop talking and ride before you fall off your horse again? CASSI: When did he fall off? AUTHOR: Apparently sometime when we weren't watching. CHRIS: Enough banter! Back to the script! SABRE: (spurring his horse) This way! --Later, Pippin and Mad Chris's horses race across a grassy valley toward a magnificent castle-- GANDALF: Tara's Lane! At last! Tara's Lane! --They enter the gateway and bring their horses to a stop. They look around for a moment, confused.-- ROMANO: Weren't there supposed to be frozen people? AUTHOR: We didn't have anyone volunteer to be frozen. MADCHRIS: Hello?! (yelling) Hello!? HELLO!? PIPPIN: (glares) Oh yeah, just alert whatever's here to our presence. MADCHRIS: It was in the script! PIPPIN: (angry) That's the last time I go anywhere with you! MADCHRIS: Hey, who's idea was it to even come here? PIPPIN: Buffy and Gandalf's? MADCHRIS: Arg. PIPPIN: (glares at Buffy and Gandalf) MADCHIRS: This place is cursed! It's falling apart! PIPPIN: (steps on something that cracks and looks down) Orcs!? MADCHRIS: I thought it was supposed to be trolls. AUTHOR: Orcs were easier to come by. PIPPIN: (panicked) Just how many Orcs did you "Come by"? AUTHOR: Chris? CHRIS: Not that many. (mumbles a number) We got them from the Mines of Moria. PIPPIN: HOW many?! CHRIS: (shrugs) Less than a hundred? PIPPIN: How much less? CHRIS: Uh....about one less. PIPPIN: (to Mad Chris) We're dead. MADCHRIS: And this from the Great Knight of Gondor. PIPPIN: We have a huge army behind us, and now we're stuck with 99 Orcs, who fight as well as vampires, if not better and happen to like the taste of human flesh! AUTHOR: This is funny! CASSI: I'll say! (pulls out a container of popcorn) LUKE: Hey, Pippin, your lightsaber's finished! PIPPIN: GIVE! --Luke tosses the lightsaber to Pippin, who catches it and ignites it. A brown blade glows to life--**We had to have one special made for him** PIPPIN: This evens the odds a bit. MADCHRIS: Not fair! (stomps off) GANDALF: Pippin, the wand! Turn me back into my human form! PIPPIN: (evil grin) Are you sure? GANDALF: No, but the script says I'm supposed to trust you. --Clips his lightsaber to his belt and we switch to Mad Chris, who has found the castle's armory. He stares at the weapons and twirls a sword-- MADCHRIS: All I get is a stupid sword? AUTHOR: (walks over and hands Mad Chris a different sword) MADCHRIS: It's still just a sword. AUTHOR: (whispers something to Mad Chris) MADCHRIS: (grins) Are you sure he won't notice it's missing? AUTHOR: He hasn't yet. --Mad Chris grins and finds a suit of Elvish armor, and then we switch back to the....er..weirdos.-- PIPPIN: Very funny. GANDALF: Hurry, Pippin! Transform me! PIPPIN: I can't. I'm just not a wizard. GANDALF: But you can be. Speak, and be one with the words. CASSI: (as the guy in Caddyshack) Be the ball..... PIPPIN: What ball? AUTHOR: Script. PIPPIN: (gives an evil grin and aims the wand at Gandalf) CASSI: Say "Nahh".. AUTHOR: Cassi, he's not a goat yet. PIPPIN: Avalorium....greenan.....luatha...tye... GANDALF: No Pippin, you're losing me!!! --Pippin is distracted by the sound of approaching horses outside the castle-- PIPPIN: Mad Chris! Sabre's coming!!!! GANDALF: Pippi-i-in, you i-i-idiot! (he is now a goat) PIPPIN: (laughing) Gandalf? --Gandalf stalks off, angry, as Mad chris strides out of the castle, looking very much like an elf in full armor-- PIPPIN: (laughing) --Or not-- MADCHRIS: Pippin, arm that catapult up there! --Mad Chris closes the castle gates, dropping the bar into place just before the Vampire and Mummy army can enter. He laughs as their horses come to a stop-- EVELYN: That's not fair! How is the gate stopping the mummies!? When they chased us, they ran through a BRICK WALL!!! AUTHOR: Maybe the gate is adamantium laced. CASSI: Well then the war's over. They ain't gonna break that one down with a battering ram. AUTHOR: Doesn't matter if they do. There's 99 Orcs inside with them, remember? PIPPIN: 98. CASSI: Killed one already? PIPPIN: (grins) AUTHOR: Script, and the door WILL be broken down at the right time. RICK: The mummies can always climb over it anyway. AUTHOR: But they won't. Script. GANDALF: Good work, Mad chris. MADCHRIS: (stares a minute) What the heck happened to you? SAM: You have to ask?! OUTSIDE THE GATE ***************** SABRE: (yelling) Assault!!!! Fred! Battering ram! INSIDE AND OUTSIDE ********************* --Battle preparations begin. Inside, Mad Chris rolls a barrel into a narrow causeway--Outside, Fred points at a tall tree-- FRED: Cut it down! MERRY: Be careful when you cut down trees! The Ents might come get you. SPIKE: Ants? You're worried about ANTS?! AUTHOR: He said ENTS! E-N-T-S! They're the walking and talking trees, I mentioned earlier. SPIKE: Uh-huh. Yeh right. AUTHOR: Believe me, once we get to the second Lord of the Rings Spoof, you'll be singing a different tune. CASSI: Singing? I thought they cut all of that out of the movie. We're not spoofing the books. AUTHOR: Hush, you know what I mean. SPIKE: (under his breath) Talking trees? These people need help. **wait, in Fellowship, the trees are carnivorous. ^_^ you'll see!!** LEGOLAS: You have a lot to learn.....Spick. SPIKE: Ah, shut up.....Leggo My Eggo. AUTHOR: Stop fighting. Script now. --Pippin arms a catapult, as Mad Chris drags a net full of metal objects across the courtyard. Outside, Fred supervises the soldier chopping down the tree-- FRED: Faster! ARAGORN: (suddenly looks around) Where's my sword? AUTHOR: Uh....look for it later. We have a spoof to do. CASSI: Well that explains that. ARAGORN: (very suspicious) Where's my sword? AUTHOR: Probably wherever you left it. Now script...or you meet Abominable. ARAGORN: I'll be quiet. AUTHOR: Good, let's continue. --The preparations proceed. Pippin looks out a high window, keeping a close watch for the hiding Orcs. He sees several Vampire horsemen run toward the gate with an improvised battering ram-- SABRE: Forward! Break it down!! --The battering ram thuds against the gate. It's clearly just a matter of time until the Vampire and Mummy army gets in. Pippin runs across a wooden bridge, looking for a place to hide Connor. He doesn't notice the Orcs climbing along the walls.-- CASSI: Kinda remind you of mummies, don't they RICK: Just as ugly, too. PIPPIN: (reaches the building to find the door locked) SABRE: (to the vamps with the battering ram) Again! Again! --Pippin sets Connor down in a sheltered spot, and pulls out his lightsaber to use on the door-- HAN: Even the little guys are smarter than Luke. **Note about the trashcompactor where Luke had to have had his lightsaber on him, but never used it** LUKE: Not funny. KRISTI: No, but it's true! LUKE: (glares) --Pippin starts walking on the door, when a thud os heard behind him. He turns, startled, to find.....-- CASSI: Hey, I thought you got rid of the trolls. AUTHOR: Guess we missed one. GANDALF: (from ground level) Pippin, use the wand on that troll! ROMANO: Bad idea. --Pippin reclips the lightsaber to his belt and pulls out the wand, zapping the troll with a bolt of energy-- PIPPIN: Bellanockt! --He then stares at what happens next--The troll falls down, writhing, moaning, and smoking, and begins to transform. Its skin is stripped away, leaving a brain-like mass **I hope nobody's eating while reading this**, from which, two nasty-looking heads begin to emerge-- LANGLY: (runs for the bathroom, covering his mouth) CASSI: Had a feeling that was coming. PIPPIN: (Looks at the mess) Eeeeeugh! (kicks the disgusting thing into the moat, where it starts bubbling) MERRY: (stares) What-- CASSI: You'll see. SPIKE: Where did all the Orcs go? ARAGORN: It's still daylight. Maybe they decided it wasn't worth it. SPIKE: Didn't stop the Vampire army. AUTHOR: Script. --Meanwhile, the castle gate is giving way under the battering ram-- SABRE: Break it down!! Forward!! **Which is a really stupid thing to say..think about it, which way did he EXPECT them to ram the door down? Backwards? ** --The Vampire and Mummy army pours into Tara's Lane as soon as the door gives way....promptly meeting resistance from Mad Chris, who's in position behind the barrel. He shoots several of them with cross bows, then defiantly stands up, roaring and twirling his sword. Doing this, he does not see the massive object rising from the moat behind him-- CARTER: How does he miss THAT!? ARDETH: (shrugs) --The Vampires and Mummy soldiers see it. They abruptly stop their charge, then turn and run with shouts of "Get out of here!"--Mad Chris grins, cockily as he watches them go, then hears a sound behind him. **Can you believe it? That idiot actually thought all those mummies and vampires were scared of HIM!** PIPPIN: (stares) Wow, did I do that?! --Nervously, Mad Chris turns around. For a moment he's stunned by the sight of the huge two-headed eborsisk dragon standing there, then he recovers his wits and runs after the Vampire and Mummy minions. The dragon sends a jet of flame after the fleeing men-- JARETH: Nice job, Pippin. --Orcs suddenly pour out of the castle-- PIPPIN: Uh-oh. --The rest who ran from the dragon, turn fearfully at it for a moment, then everyone realizes the same thing. Mad Chris is standing in the middle of the Vampire and Mummy army-- SABRE: Get him! --Mad Chris runs back into the castle with the minions in hot pursuit. They run headlong into the Orcs, and the battle commences anew. Pippin, still at the upper level of the castle, is fighting with two Orcs. The dragon torches one, and Pippin kills the other.-- SPIKE: Alright, so the runt can fight pretty good. --Merry runs into the battle and starts fighting the Orcs. The Author bangs her head into a wall, as she knows nothing will drag him back off the field, short of killing him. Aragorn exchanges a look with Gimli, and both of them charge into the battle **fortunately, this is before Aragorn was stoned on morphine in Lost World**Aragorn is using a lightsaber while Gimli uses his axe-- CASSI: I don't remember them being in this movie. FRED: (to her soldiers) The other side! --As the battle rages, the Vampires and Mummies are more concerned with the Orcs and the dragon than then they are with Mad Chris and Pippin. The Orcs' arrows rain down on them, while the dragon snacks on them and the Orcs-- SABRE: Destroy the beast! Find the baby! **makes it sound so easy, don't he?** GANDALF: (butts an Orc off the ramparts) Bahh! Take tha-a-at! --The vampire soldiers fight with the dragon and Mad Chris, while the mummies climb the walls after the Orcs. Aragorn goes after the mummies with Gimli's help, while Merry searches for a way up to where Pippin is. Pippin is confronted by another Orc. He tries to throw a crystal at it, but drops it.-- CASSI: Oh real smart, powerful wizard! --The crystal lands on a wooden plank, turning it to stone. Pippin, then attacks the Orc with his lightsaber, killing it-- FRED: (has stopped fighting and is watching Aragorn fight) AUTHOR: Fred, don't even think about it. He's married. FRED: (shrugs and takes a seat so she can watch the battle) --Up above, Pippin has lost his lightsaber,* which we won't mention was retrieved by Luke*, and is now is surrounded by Orcs. He pulls out his sword, and starts fighting, despite the fact that he is out- numbered-- MADCHRIS: Can I let him die? MERRY: (kicks Mad Chris in the shin and climbs into the catapult) CASSI: Shouldn't Mad Chris be doing that? AUTHOR: (shrugs) Let him have some fun. PIPPIN: (is still fighting as Merry launches himself into the air) MERRY: WAA-HOOOO!!!!! (smacks into the side of the castle and clatters down beside Pippin, landing on an Orc) PIPPIN: Hello, Merry. Glad to see you could make it. MERRY: Did you think I'd let you have ALL the fun? --They both start fighting the Orcs-- CASSI: So who's gonna jump on the dragon? ARAGORN: (snatches his sword from Mad Chris, gives the Author a dirty look, and then catapults him- self up to join Merry and Pippin) Having fun? MERRY: Why of course! SAM: I told you they were insane. AUTHOR: I'm never gonna look at this movie the same way again. CASSI: (nods) I second that. CHRIS: Could you people decide who's jumping on the dragon?! --Merry, Pippin, and Aragorn exchange a glance. They kill the last of the Orcs, then break into an argument of who gets to kill the dragon.-- LEGOLAS: (joins the battle) Where did the dragon come from? HAN: The wizard rat made it. LEGOLAS: (nods and notices Aragorn, Merry and Pippin) What are they fighting about? CASSI: We asked them which one was going to jump on the dragon. LEGOLAS: (sighs) Stupid fools. (catapults himself up to where they are, shoves them all out of the way, and jumps on the dragon) PIPPIN: No FAIR! MERRY: Hey! Who invited you!? ARAGORN: (does the Wolvie glare) --The dragon shakes its head, trying to dislodge Legolas, but is unable to. The Locked door behind Merry, Pippin and Aragorn suddenly opens and two vampires emerge. They see Connor immediately-- VAMPIRE 685: The baby! **Like duh** --They charge at Pippin and Merry with their swords raised. Aragorn is now tied up with fighting more Orcs. Pippin and Merry quickly dust the vampires, and are about to help Aragorn when Sabre walks through the door-- PIPPIN: Uh... MERRY: He didn't seem this dangerous in the other spoof. **Heir** LOGAN: But he wasn't playing the bad guy in that one, was he? SABRE: (growling) About time I had some fun. --Fred, sitting off to the side of the action, is watching Legolas. Legolas, on top of the dragon, thrusts a sword through the dragon's head, then falls to the ground-- FRED: Well, I guess I'd better follow the script. (walks over to Legolas) AUTHOR: (groans) GUNN: (glares) FRED: (pulls Legolas to his feet and kisses him) GUNN: (jumps to his feet) He's gonna die. (runs out to the battlefield, but is stopped as several Orcs attack him) --Fred and Legolas are STILL kissing--**Well, he IS a cute elf** CASSI: Not fair. ROMANO: Where's Mad Chris? AUTHOR: (Looks around) Not a clue. --The dragon's wounded head whips around, frantically, then suddenly explodes on a ball of flame. The remaining head crashes to the ground as the beast dies, but the problems of the Vampire and Mummy army aren't over yet-- VAMPIRE 182: Legolas' army! Get Sabre! --Legolas pulls away from Fred. The rest of the Elven army is thundering toward the castle of Tara's Lane-- VAMPIRE 182: Legolas' army!! --Spike and Xander are in one of the Elves' saddle bags-- SPIKE: Legolas left ahead of us! WESTLY: How come Gunn's dead? AUTHOR: The Orcs got him. WESTLY: What Orcs? --Everyone looks around, as the Orcs have vanished-- LEGOLAS: They hate Elves. AUTHOR: Can somebody follow the script?! SPIKE: Okay. Here we are! XANDER: You are rescued! SPIKE & XANDER: CHARGE!!! --Sabre rides out of the castle, carrying Connor. He sees Legolas and Fred fighting together against the vampires and mummies. He rides out with his men to confront the Elven army-- SABRE: No mercy!!! (fights his way clear and races toward Nockmaar with Connor) --The rest of the vamps and Mummies....that are still going (can't exactly say "Alive") follow-- CASSI: Um, what happened to Aragorn, Pippin, Merry and Mad Chris? SPIKE: (kicks a corpse on the ground) Found Mad Chris. AUTHOR: Is he alive? SPIKE: No. AUTHOR: (groans) Figures. --Pippin staggers out of the castle with blood running down his face. He promptly passes out-- LEGOLAS: He is injured. CASSI: You think? AUTHOR: Someone go find Merry and Aragorn. --Legolas goes into the castle. He returns a few minutes later, helping Merry and Aragorn out. Both are covered in blood-- LOGAN: Gee, Sabre's getting slow. He didn't kill either of them. ARAGORN: I am fine. Sabre didn't touch me. MERRY: Nah, the Orcs got him instead. (looks at Pippin) Is he alright? CHRIS: He's better than Mad Chris. MERRY: Oh, is Mad Chris dead? CASSI: The Orcs got Mad Chris and Gunn. FRED: (sees Gunn ans rushes to his side) Is he gonna be okay? MUNGO: Wha' do we 'ave? (walks over and drags Gunn to medlab, then returns for Mad Chris...again) 'Ow many toimes you gonna kill this one? (notices Pippin) Tell me 'e's no' dead too. AUTHOR: No, but he, Merry, and Aragorn need medical attention. CASSI: Does that mean it's break time? AUTHOR: Yep. WOLVIE: Can we party? ARDETH: Are we gonna have to put them on morphine, too? ARAGORN: (angrily) I am FINE! (stomps off set) GIMLI: He's just mad because he got beat by a bunch of Orcs. CARTER: (gives Merry a shot of morphine) Enjoy. MERRY: I love this stuff. (walks off with a drunken smile) --Dave and Kovac come out and cart Pippin off into the medlab on a stretcher-- WAGNER: So how long is zhis break going to be? CASSI: Why? WAGNER: No reason. Just curious. GIMLI: How many? LEGOLAS: One or two Orcs, five mummies, twenty vampires, and the dragon. How many did you get? GIMLI: Fifteen Orcs, two mummies, and ten vampires. I think you topped me with the dragon. LEGOLAS: I topped you anyway. CASSI: Are they arguing over who killed more? MERRY: They do it all the time. PIPPIN: (comes out of medlab with a dopy look on his face) CARTER: Look, another morphine junkie. PIPPIN: I feel really good. CASSI: I bet. ANGELUS: Hello everyone! SPIKE: Oh, it's you. ANGELUS: Spike!? (falls over laughing) SPIKE: Very funny. XANDER: Just what we needed. ANGELUS: (sees Xander and laughs harder) PIPPIN: (starts waving the wand around) Wow.... CASSI: He's gone bye-bye. LEGOLAS: Is it safe for him to have that wand while he's on morphine? AUTHOR: As long as he doesn't bother me, I don't care. CASSI: Another migrane? AUTHOR: Another? The last one hasn't stopped yet. (swallows pills) I'll be fine. PIPPIN: (waves the wand) Covort, greinaian locktwar. (points the wand at various people who wisely get out of the way fast) GANDALF: Be very afraid. KRISTI: He just turned a raptor into a mouse. STEVE: Hey! That was Brent! POUNCE: MOUSE!!!! (eats it) NICK: (horrified) He ate Brent! SARA: NOOOOO!!!!! STEVE: (glares at Pounce) Brent was a nice guy! PIPPIN: (waves the wand again) Dreyua dolute, breldine! (the wand changes a compy into a bird) TUMBLE: BIRDIE!!!! (leaps up and eats it) TIMMY: NOOO!!! Not Jim--no wait.....Jim was a jerk. Eat him! Chew him up! --Pippin laughs and waves the wand more, until Legolas walks over and snatches it away-- LEGOLAS: Would you STOP THAT?! PIPPIN: (falls over laughing) CASSI: That was different. MERRY: (joins Pippin) That was neat. What do we do now? --The two Hobbits exchange a mischievous look and scurry offset-- AUTHOR: Where did they go? LEGOLAS: (shakes his head) Hopefully to jump in a river somewhere. SAM: Uh......Author? They might get into something. AUTHOR: So? LUKE: I think they headed in the direction of the grey skinned alien, who's not really an alien. AUTHOR: (not listening) So? CASSI: Eh, Sven? AUTHOR: Yeah? CASSI: Hobbits, grey skinned alien?! Hello!? AUTHOR: (groans) Luke, go get them, and make sure Merry doesn't see anything. LUKE: (hurries after the Hobbits) SAM: So, who is the grey skinned guy? LUKE: (returns with Merry and Pippin) We have a problem. PIPPIN: Um, the cage was empty. AUTHOR: (alarmed) It was WHAT?! MERRY: What was in the cage? AUTHOR: (starts banging her head against a wall) **which really won't help the migraines** FRODO: Is this bad? PIPPIN: Yep. SAM: Why? AUTHOR: You don't wanna know. Wagner, go find him. WAGNER: (nods and bamfs out of sight) CASSI: (to Luke) What about the guy tied up next to the cage? **this is our spoofset. YES we have people tied up backstage sometimes....it happens.** LUKE: Aside of the fact that he's hysterical, he's fine. BENTON: (from medlab) GOOD! ARDETH: (smiles) CARTER: What guy? AUTHOR: It's a surprise. CARTER: (frowning) It's not-- AUTHOR: Stop guessing and wait for it. WAGNER: (bamfs back on set) Zhat lousy PEST! He bit my TAIL! CASSI: Never mind that. Did you catch him!? WAGNER: He is back in zhe cage. AUTHOR: Good, now we can get back to the spoof. My pain pill just kicked in. CHRIS: Pippin, you need to back up to where you first left the castle. PIPPIN: Where's Connor and where's Mad Chris? MADCHRIS: (from medlab door) I'm BAAAACK!!!! LEGOLAS: You were killed by Orcs.....this time. MADCHRIS: So I'm a lover, not a fighter.....except when it comes to lasers and evil Professors. **"Real Genius", the movie--if you ain't seen it, you should!** CASSI: So we noticed. We own the video, remember? AUTHOR: Right, anyway, Legolas killed the dragon, and Fred kissed him. MADCHRIS: Good for him. I hate that woman. PIPPIN: Where's Connor? FRED: Sabretooth took him to Queen Imhotep. IMHOTEP: (yelling from offset) I HEARD that! MERRY: Can I stay with Pippin? AUTHOR: (evil grin) Sure. ARAGORN: I think I'll pass. GIMLI: (watching Sven's face) Same here. ROMANO: This should prove interesting. CASSI: (whispers something to Romano) ROMANO: (laughing) VERY interesting. AUTHOR: Quiet, you two.....before you scare them. MERRY: (suddenly unsure) Then again... CHRIS: Too late. You're stuck. AUTHOR: Script! MADCHRIS: Where in the script!? This whole battle didn't follow the script. CASSI: Well.....it did....to a point. AUTHOR: Then skip to the last few lines of this section. MADCHRIS: (to Pippin) Can you ride? PIPPIN: Da-uh. MERRY: That was a no-brainer. He IS still a Knight. CASSI: On morphine, yet still a Knight. CHRIS: We just gotta keep up the consistency of extra people in the cast, don't we? MADCHRIS: Let's ride. LAEGOLAS: Sounds like fun. FRED: (smiles at Legolas) CORDELIA: Looks like Fred dumped Gunn for an elf. CASSI: You blame her? He's gorgeous. AUTHOR: All those Orlando Bloom fans won't like her. GUNN: I hate to disappoint all those fans, but I'm gonna kill him. LEGOLAS: Hey! She kissed ME! FRED: (walks over to Gunn and starts to talk to him) WESTLEY: They'll make up. LEGOLAS: (shrugs) It matters not to me. AUTHOR: Alright, change scenes. --Riding fast, Sabre arrives at Imhotep's castle-- IMHOTEP: 'Bout time! GLORY: (smiles) It's not like we missed him. (sitting in Imhotep's lap) AN HOUR LATER ******************* --The other guys arrive at the castle. Gunn has joined them-- CASSI: Oh goody. Another extra cast member. AUTHOR: (grinning) The fun is going to begin. LEGOLAS: We need towers and a battering ram. Break out the tents. Make camp. --Now, in Legolas's saddlebag, Xander gestures with his sword, clunking Spike in the face. Spike hits him, and the two start beating each other up-- LEGOLAS: We'll assault at first light. INSIDE THE CASTLE ************************** IMHOTEP: (inspects Connor with pleasure) ANGELUS: (looks at him) So that's Angel's kid. Cute little thing. He looks like me. IMHOTEP: Where's Fred? SABRE: Last I saw? Kissing up the blonde elf. Now, she's probably dealing with her boyfriend. CHRIS: Get it right, or I'll barbecue you. CASSI: (as Ace Ventura) Yummy. (makes a face) SABRE: She has turned against us, Your Highness. IMHTOEP: (growls) Turned against ME!? (storms out of the room) Prepare for the RITUAL! GLORY: (follows her husband) Oh fantabulous! Here comes the FUN part! SPIKE: Now, I'm worried. AUTHOR: SCRIPT!!!! --It is dark outside.....which is pretty obvious, as they would not have said they would assult at first light if it was light outside. Where's the sense in THAT!? Anyway, Imhotep and Glory look down from the ramparts and laugh at the pathetic army below-- IMHOTEP: (laughing) This is not an army!!! (laughing hysterically) GLORY: (also laughing) GANDALF: Pippin!!! Quick! Hide! --Startled, Pippin turns and goes into a tent, followed by Gandalf. Mad Chris, Fred, Gunn, Legolas, Merry, and the others look up, uneasily at Glory and Imhotep-- GANDALF: Use the shelter chant! Protect yourself! PIPPIN: Why? GANDALF: Just do it! POUNCE: Oooh! I know that one! That's Nike! --Pippin drops to his knees, and raises the wand....fortunately, the morphine effects have slowed down.-- MADCHRIS: (calls up to Imhotep) We've come for Connor Angel! GLORY: You would dare to challenge us?! (grins) You're not warriors! You're....BUNNY RABBITS!!! LUKE: Well, there's a new one. --Mad Chris suddenly doubles over, moaning in pain, as Glory begins chanting. His face starts to transform, then his body-- GLORY: You're all BUNNY RABBITS!!! --The rest of the army starts changing, including Merry, Spike and Xander-- GLORY: BUNNY RABBITS!!!! (starts laughing) --Inside the tent, Pippin is still doing his own chant--Outside, the rebel's painful transformation continues as Glory and Imhotep laugh.-- IMHOTEP: Fred! FRED: (the only one untouched by the spell) Father NO!! Make it stop! IMHOTEP: (momentarily stunned by her defiance, then he nods to Glory) GLORY: Kothon!! FRED: (doubles over and begins to transform) IMHOTEP & GLORY: (hold each other up, laughing) TENT ********* PIPPIN: (still doing his chant) OUTSIDE *********** --The army is now all changed. Mad Chris stands nearby. He looks exactly like Bugs Bunny.-- MADCHRIS: (bites a carrot) Ahh...what's up, doc? SPIKE: AAHHHHH!!!!! I'M A BLOODY BUNNY RABBIT!!!! ANYA: (as you knew was coming--screams in terror) NOOOOO!!!!NOT MY XANDER!!!! (faints) GLORY: (shouting) HEY ABOMINABLE!!!! COME AND GET IT!!!! --Elrond Halfelven and Arwen Evenstar enter the set. They approach the Author as Abominable starts collecting Georges.-- ELROND: I am looking for Aragorn. I have a message he is here. ARAGORN: (hides behind Frodo and Sam) --A rabbit bolts out from the group and leaps into Arwen's arms-- AUTHOR: (Points) Aragorn's over there. ELROND: We are also searching for Legolas Greenleef and the Elven army from Mirkwood. CASSI: Um....over there. (points at the bunnies) ARWEN: (stares) What-- LEGOLAS: Protect me!! The evil snowman is gonna get me! ARWEN: (stares at the rabbit in her arms) Legolas? What sort of sorcery is this that changes elves into rabbits? --As the snowman makes his rounds, three small rabbits bolt from the crowd. One jumps into Elrond's arms, and the other two jump into Buffy's--Mad Chris hides behind the Author's chair-- ELROND: (stares at the bunny in his arms) What is this? MERRY: Not a WORD! PIPPIN: (walks from the tent, followed by Gandalf, who is in human form) AUTHOR: Hey! Who said you could change him back!? PIPPIN: It was easier this way. AUTHOR: Change him back! GANDALF: How about we--(pauses as he notices the set is over run by bunnies) What happened out here? ELROND: (angry) That's what I'D like to know. GANDALF: (ignores Elrond, and is studying his script) They were supposed to be pigs. ARWEN: WHAT?! ELROND: Gandalf, Could you explain this? PIPPIN: Where's Merry? MERRY: (jumps from Elrond's arms to Pippin's feet) Change me BACK!!! Hurry! Before that SNOWMAN gets over here! ABOMINABLE: (by this time, has mauled nearly half the Elven army) PIPPIN: (waves the wand at Merry) Locktwarr, kovort, delute! MERRY: (is returned to normal) CASSI: Good thing our magic people know how to change people, clothes and all. We'd have to rate this NC 17, if we had a bunch of naked Elves, then we couldn't post it on fanfic.net at all! **Besides, it would ruin our good name. We don't do nudity on set!** AUTHOR: Right. Sorry all you Legolas fans out there! Lego will be fully clothed when he returns to normal! LEGOLAS: Change me back!!! QUICKLY!!! PLEASE CHANGE ME BACK!!! SPIKE: Hide me. XANDER: Please, oh please keep that snowman away from me! AUTHOR: Okay, while you guys deal with that, we go to a scene inside the castle. A SCENE INSIDE THE CASTLE *************************** --Inside the castle's high tower, the druids, Westley, Lorne, and Angelus bind the whimpering baby. Finished with their fun, Glory and Imhotep come into the room, laughing-- ANGELUS: Can I go look? IMHOTEP: Yeah, go ahead. GLORY: That was fun. LORNE: I'm gonna go look, too! (exits) IMHOTEP: (looks at Westley) Begin the ritual. This child will not destroy me! AUTHOR: Skip the mumbo jumbo. It's all a load of huey anyway. CHRIS: Okay, obviously, we skip the whole changing Gandalf back scene...as we've seen, the runt already did that. ELROND: Will somebody please tell me what is going on?! ARAGORN: A spoof! ARWEN: Where have you been? We sent you to find Legolas, Merry and Pippin. Then we discover you, Gimli, Gandalf, Frodo and Sam have all disappeared! SAM: Well, it wasn't MY idea! PIPPIN: Quiet, Sam. It's not like you're not having fun! (waves the wand) SAM: (panicked) Don't wave that thing at me!! (hides behind Frodo) ELROND: This is madness! AUTHOR: Will you sit down and shut up before I let Abominable have you?! ARAGORN: He's a little busy right now. (points at the Elven army, still being mauled) FRED: Will someone please change me back!? GUNN: Yes, please! LORNE: (from the ramparts) Oh, aren't they just cute?! ANGELUS: (laughing too hard to answer) GUNN: Now, I'm getting annoyed. AUTHOR: Gandalf, please take the wand away from Pippin and start changing everyone back. GANDALF: Where's my staff? AUTHOR: Take the wand. --Gandalf does as he is told and the wand becomes his staff.....imagine that. Pippin has been running around with Gandalf's staff. Gandalf grins happily-- LEGOLAS: You wanna get it over with!? NOW!!! PLEASE!!? GANDALF: (sighs and begins changing them back) TOWER ************ --Up in the tower, the "Druids" and Glory and Imhotep have decided to have a party, as the mumbo-jumbo scene was canceled out. Angleus is now holding Connor-- ANGELUS: I like him. CASSI: Great. The Evil Queen is having a party, while the rebels plan their war. OUTSIDE ************** --In the rebel camp, Elves hurriedly skulk toward the Commander's tent. Everyone has been returned to normal.-- ELROND: I still want an explanation. LEGOLAS: (annoyed) Shut up! AUTHOR: Script! ELF 562: (whispering) Quick! Inside! --A meeting is in progress inside the tent-- LEGOLAS: That won't breach the wall! We can't get inside! MADCHRIS: I could build a laser.... MURDOC: Really?! So can I! HAN: Who needs to build one? We could use the Falcon's laser cannon! AUTHOR: NO!! Script now! FRED: Connor Angel will die! GUNN: Angel won't let them kill his son. CASSI: Angel ain't in there right now. Angelus is. Remember? SPIKE: They'd better not hurt my Uncle-Nephew, or I'm kicking butt. AUTHOR: No you won't. Besides, Angelus is still partly the kid's father. CHRIS: Right. Now back to the script! Or you can be Crispy Critters! (holds up his trusty flamethrower) GANDALF: We must save the child. ELF 986: Imhotep's too powerful. GANDALF: No! He can't transform you again... XANDER: It wasn't him who did it to start with. GANDALF: (sighs) Glory can't transform you either. My spell is protecting this camp. MADCHRIS: But can your magic get us into the castle? FRODO: (muttering) As long as it's not like the entrance to the Mines of Moria. GANDALF: (gives Frodo a dirty look) MADCHRIS: Can it? GANDALF: Of course, but the script says no, so I'm not allowed. SPIKE: Figures. LEGOLAS: We can't do it. ELF 836: Actually, we can, but we're not supposed to do it that way. PIPPIN: (pushes his way through the Elves) Do I have to say this? It'll never work. AUTHOR: You say it and yes it does work. LEIA: (reads the script) That Bavmorda must have been pretty dumb. CASSI: She was too busy to notice. It was her guards that were dumb. ROMANO: They were worse than Mullucci. DAVE: Hey! I'm NOT dumb! AUTHOR: Shut up, Dr. Dave! Script now! PIPPIN: (sighs) Do I have to? ROMANO: What are you DEAF?! She said YES the FIRST time you asked! PIPPIN: (does the Wolvie glare, but says the stupid lines anyway) Wait! Back home in my village, we have a lot of gophers. (pause) Wha's a gopher? SPIKE: You've never seen one? They're good eatin'. AUTHOR: I doubt it. They don't mention gophers in the books. I don't think Middle Earth has them. XANDER: They don't need gophers. They have Hobbits. PIPPIN: Huh? AUTHOR: Gophers burrow into the ground. MERRY: Interesting creatures. CHRIS: Okay, enough of the lesson on animals. Back to the script. MADCHRIS: Pippin, this is war, not agriculture. PIPPIN: I know, I know, but I have an idea how to get into the castle. --The Elves gather in close to listen to the plan-- AUTHOR: Meanwhile, back in the castle..... BACK IN THE CASTLE ******************** --Inside, the party is in full swing. Angelus is still playing with Connor, and Lorne is singing, while most everyone else is dancing--Carter, Susan, Abby, Ardeth, and Cassi have joined the party, along with a good portion of the Peanut Gallery.....-- CHRIS: Okay, back to the tent. MADCHRIS: Is it me, or has the Peanut Gallery shrunk? --Penny and Jonathan sneak out toward the castle, with Rick and Evelyn following-- AUTHOR: Quiet, Mad Chris. IN THE TENT ************** LEGOLAS: Come on, Mad Chris. You and I are soldiers....not. You know the Halfling's plan will never work. MERRY: Pippin already said it would never work. AUTHOR: It will, and it did! PIPPIN: (not believing her) Whatever. CHRIS: Trust me, guys. They are too busy up there to even care what you're doing. GANDALF: If the baby dies, all hope for the future is lost. I'm going to fight. PIPPIN: Me too. --Mad Chris and Fred exchange worried glances-- MADCHRIS: Alright. We've gotta decide who's going to stay. --There is a long silence-- AUTHOR: End scene. --Back in the castle, more Peanut Gallery members have joined the party.-- GLORY: This is fun! I love this movie! LANGLY: (dancing with Nikki) I don't think this scene was in the movie. CASSI: (now singing with Lorne on the stage to the 80's music) **Cassi's note--yes, it's 80's! It IS my tapes! and I love to sing to it** LORNE: (gives Cassi a funny look and continues singing) --At dawn, the plain before Imhotep's castle is littered with the debris left by the Elven army, but the Elves have vanished. Gandalf and Pippin stand alone, facing the castle. The Vampire minions **who weren't invited to the party, and are very upset about it...but hey, someone had to fight in the war**on the wall, look down at them in disbelief-- PIPPIN: Gandalf....? GANDALF: Quiet. Don't tell me you've chickened out. PIPPIN: Very funny. GANDALF: You don't expect me to compliment you, do you? PIPPIN: (glaring) You're not an animal anymore, are you?! GANDALF: Good point. --Sabre, angry about having been called away from the party, where he was dancing with Mystique..... right, anyway, he joins the Vampires on the ramparts-- GANDALF: (shouting) We call upon you to surrender! PIPPIN: (also shouting) We are all powerful wizards! Give us the baby, or we will destroy you! SABRE & VAMPIRES: (laughing and making faces) SABRE: Kill them! --The drawbridge creaks open and several Vampire horsemen ride out. Pippin shifts his staff to a new position-- GANDALF: Patience, Pippin. PIPPIN: (muttering) I'm gonna die. --The horsemen draw near. Pippin raises the staff and strikes a drum with it, twice, shouting at the same time-- PIPPIN: ATTACK!!!! --The empty plain suddenly comes to life as the Elven army comes pouring out of concealed pits, horses and all. The Elves whoop and shout as they emerge, Mad Chris, the loudest of all. The startled vampires abruptly stop their charge-- VAMPIRE 315: Back to the castle! MERRY: (yelling) Chickens!!! --The Vampire horsmen turn tail and run with the Elven army in hot pursuit, but they are cut down before they can reach their goal. The Elven horsemen thunder across the drawbridge and into the castle court- yard-- BACK INSIDE THE CASTLE ************************* --In Imhotep's tower, the party is still in full-swing. Penny and Jonathan have joined the others on the dance floor, as have Carter and Susan, Scott and Jean, Rick and Evelyn, and Arwen and Aragorn-- CASSI: This is great. (she has left the stage for the moment....something about those funny looks Lorne was giving her...) LUKE: (holding Mara in his lap) I definitely have to agree with that. ARDETH: (pulls Cassi onto the dance floor) AUTHOR: Okay, see ya, peoples! I have to go back outside. IMHOTEP: (nods, not noticing her, and continues dancing with Glory) OUTSIDE *********** --Outside, Fred leads Gandalf and Pippin toward the stairs to Imhotep's tower-- FRED: This way. --The battle rages in the courtyard. Legolas interrupts a Vampire charge with a vat of boiling Holy Water-- AUTHOR: Back to Fred's group. --Fred, Gandalf, and Pippin approach the door to the chamber where the party is--The sound of music can be heard through the door-- PIPPIN: Music? FRED: (grins) Party! GANDALF: (groans) --The trio bursts into the room-- CASSI: Welcome to the party. PIPPIN: FOOD!!!! (runs for the food table) FRED: (runs over to join Westley at the stereo system...and of course to watch Lorne sing) LORNE: (in a break between songs) Ahh, Winefred!!! Come to have fun? FRED: This is GREAT! GANDALF: (takes a seat and sighs happily) No more of this nonsense. PIPPIN: (spots Angelus with Connor and hurries over) ANGELUS: (hands Connor to Pippin and goes to the dance floor to dance with Dru) DRU: Moi Angel. CORDELIA: When's the real Angel coming back? CASSI: (still dancing with Ardeth) He IS the real Angel, remember? Angel is the cursed one. Angelus was the original. ROMANO: I'm loving this party. --Back out in the courtyard, Spike and Xander fire and array of spears at the Vampire soldiers. Sabre and Legolas battle it out, sword to sword-- SABRE: Now you die! LEGOLAS: So you say! --Back inside, everyone is still partying. They are completely oblivious to the fact that there's even a battle going on outside-- IMHOTEP: We know there's a battle going on out there. We just don't care. GLORY: Nope. GUNN: (hurries into the room with Merry) --The two of them stare at the partying people in surprise. Merry is the first to recover-- MERRY: PARTY!!! (runs for the food) GUNN: Fred? (hurries over to her) --Back outside, Legolas and Sabre are still fighting. Neither of them seem to be tiring, and neither are losing--The rest of the Elves and Vampires are now watching the battle, as is Mad Chris-- ELF 756: May be a while. It's hard to tell. Legolas is a better swordsman, but the mutant has a healing factor. CHRIS: They're not following the script. AUTHOR: So? The ones inside aren't either. MADCHRIS: What do you mean? SPIKE: Yeh, why ain't they and where's the Peanut Gallery? XANDER: Anya said something about a party. LOGAN: (leaves the castle, carrying a plate of food) Heard Sabre was supposed to die. Thought I'd come watch. SPIKE: Hey! They're having a party without us! XANDER: (flatly) You wanna climb the stairs like this? We're nine inches tall! SPIKE: Good point. Not really. CHRIS: This is interesting. --Legolas and Sabre are still fighting. Legolas draws a dagger with his free hand, but Sabre knocks it aside. Still, niether fighter seem to be getting tired-- AUTHOR: (yawns) This is gonna take all night! MADCHRIS: This is getting boring. AUTHOR: Alright, you guys. Get it right! LEGOLAS: (distracted) What?! --Sabre uses the distraction to run him through. Legolas lets out a startled gasp as Sabre pulls the sword out. He falls to the ground, barely breathing-- MADCHRIS: (surprised) Legolas! ELROND: (jumps to his feet, angry) What have you DONE!? AUTHOR: Don't worry, we can bring him back! LEGOLAS: (moans) I'm not dead YET! MADCHRIS: Oh darn. LEGOLAS: (coughs blood) Lousy mortal...(dies) AUTHOR: Mungo! --Dave and Kovac come out with a stretcher and carry Legolas away to medlab-- ELROND: The dead cannot come back to life. AUTHOR: They can on this set.....besides, what do you think all those vampires are? Duh. --Mad Chris takes Legolas' sword and goes after Sabretooth. Sabre draws first blood-- SABRE: Die! --But Mad Chris is still fighting, and manages to break the skull mask that is part of Sabre's outfit-- SABRE: (growls) CHRIS: Back in the castle.... --The party is still going on. Pippin is in deep conversation with Angelus, who is holding Connor. Cassi is seated at a table with Ardeth, Carter, and Abby. Imhotep and Glory are still dancing, as are Penny and Jonathan..**bet you'd never have thought Jonathan and Imhotep would be friends, would you? What can we say? Their wives are best friends. They didn't have a choice** Scott and Jean are off to the side, kissing. Nikki pulls Langly out onto the dance floor.-- AUTHOR: Back outside.....unfortunately. --Mad Chris stabs Sabre with a dagger, but it doesn't seem to bother the mutant. He soon regains the advantage and starts choking Mad Chris with both hands. Mad Chris drives the dagger in deeper, then steps on the hilt of Sabre's sword, and impales him on it.....and as if that weren't enough, he then uses Legolas' sword to cut the mutant's head off.....you know? Obsessive behavior can be an ugly thing....-- MUNGO: Ugh, tha's a messy one. --The medcrew carts the body off, and Mad Chris hurries up the stairs.....to find the party is STILL in full-swing-- MADCHRIS: You people DO realize there was a war going on down there? CASSI: Really? Wow.....you don't say. MADCHRIS: Sabre killed Legolas. MERRY: Good for Sabre. MADCHRIS: I killed Sabre. PIPPIN: (still eating) Bout time you killed SOMEone. MADCHRIS: I owe you, Peck. I WILL kill you....eventually. AUTHOR: Alright....party's over. Time to finish this thing. ALL: (do the Wolvie pout) CASSI: And to think, I haven't even finished the other two yet....we have to finish those next. AUTHOR: True....but then I'm not even halfway through Star Wars yet. CASSI: Good point. CHRIS: Let's continue. --Much later, after the party has been cleaned up....we're back at Tara's Lane. Pippin and Merry prepare to head for home. Everyone is gathered to see them off.-- CASSI: This has gotta stop. We keep ending up with more people then when we started. AUTHOR: Yeah....but it's fun. Script! GANDALF: Peregrin Took, receive this book of magic. You are on your way to becoming a great wizard. PIPPIN: You mean it? GANDALF: (smiles) Yes. **God help us** PIPPIN: (takes the book and grins) XANDER: Pippin the wizard! SPIKE: You make us proud....NOT! FRED: (kneels down next to Pippin, holding the baby in her arms) PIPPIN: (touches the baby's face) Goodbye, Connor Angel. (gives Connor a kiss) CONNOR: (coos happily) PIPPIN: He's such a sweet baby. MADCHRIS: (helps Pippin and Merry onto Fiddles) FIDDLES: I got bored...'sides, I like the little guys. They're funny, yes they are!!! (starts walking) SPIKE: Goodbye rats!!! XANDER: Farewell!! (removes the rodent hat from his head) SPIKE: (grins evilly) Xander! You're bald! XANDER: (screams and touches his head, then glares at Spike as he finds a full head of hair) Very funny. AUTHOR: Next scene. HOBBIT/CAT/X-BABY VILLAGE **************************** --Pippin, Merry, and Fiddles ride into the village-- SAM: Oh look, it's Merry and Pippin! (rolls his eyes) X-BABIES: Pippin's back and so is Merry!!!! PHYRO: (lights himself on fire) WAAAHHOOOO!!!! --Pippin stops Fiddles, as the entire village bursts into applause....with the exception of Frodo, Sam, and Snagletooth, who boo--Jareth walks over to Pippin, grinning. Pippin creates a crystal out of midair and throws it up into the air. It changes into a bird.-- SUGAH: It's a BIRD!! He made a BIRD!!! --The bird flies low to the ground and Pounce jumps up and eats it--Sugah starts crying, and Jareth sighs and throws a crystal up, creating another bird. Sugah flies into Jareth's arms and hugs him.-- SUGAH: Thankyou. (flies away) --As soon as Sugah is out of sight, Toad catches the bird with his tongue and eats it-- TOAD: Tastes like chicken. MAGNEATO: You ate the birdy!! MYSTI Q: That's gross. PHYRO: Yeah!!! You should'a let me cook it first! Burn, birdy, BURN!!! CASSI: Yummy...(makes a face) ROMANO: Those kids need psychological help. AUTHOR: That's what Dr. Lecter is for. ROMANO: (sighs) No comment. --Wolvie and Shadowkitty run toward Pippin and jump up, knocking both Pippin and Merry off Fiddles at the same time-- WOLVIE: Dada Pip! You're BACK!!! SHADOW: And Cousin Merry!!! JEMIMA: I'm not hugging him, or kissing him....and I want my old mouse toy back. AUTHOR: (bangs her head) CASSI: It's over. Just end it. AUTHOR: Okay. Pippin greets his friends as other villagers join the throng. The camera slowly pulls back, and the picture fades from view....the end. AFTER THE SPOOF ************************ CASSI: Jiggly never showed up. SVEN: I guess not. BENTON: Can I get Carter's surprise now? SVEN: Yeah, go ahead. ARDETH & BENTON: (exit) MADCHRIS: I'm glad that's over. FRED: So am I! LOGAN: At least Sabre died! I loved the decapitating part! SVEN: We need to hand out Oscars. SPIKE: Can we be returned to normal? XANDER: Yeah. PIPPIN: (says a few words, throws a crystal at them, and the two are returned to normal size) MAGNETO: At least I didn't have to die again. RYAN: You weren't acting. CHRIS: Time for the Oscars. SVEN: First of all! Peregrin Took! PIPPIN: (grins and takes his Oscar) Thanks!!! CASSI: Mad Chris Knight!! MADCHRIS: (takes his Oscar, smiles happily, and feigns weeping) It's everything that I ever hoped for!! (sob) Thankyou. CASSI: You only get one! MADCHRIS: Right. (sits down) SVEN: Winefred Burkle!! FRED: (grins and grabs her Oscar) Thankyou!! CHRIS: Spike and Xander? SPIKE & XANDER: (smack hands and grab their Oscars) SVEN: Connor Angel! CORDELIA: I'll give it to Angel when he's no longer Angelus. SVEN: Kay. Gandalf? GANDALF: (surprised) Thankyou. (takes his Oscar) LEGOLAS: (enters from medlab, with Sabretooth following) CASSI: Right on time, Lego. Here's your Oscar. LEGOLAS: Thankyou, fair Maiden. CASSI: You're welcome. (grins) I bet he tells that to all the evilauthors who give him awards. SVEN: Imhotep. IMHOTEP: Yes! (takes his award and kisses his wife) CHRIS: Sabretooth. SABRE: Hey! Another for my collection! CASSI: And Dawn. DAWN: I got an Oscar!? YES!!! That is so COOL!! SVEN: And Fiddles. FIDDLES: Well, Fiddles deserved one. He is a wonderful actor, yes he is!! Look, Lady Iris!! I got another one, yes I did!!! SVEN: That's all! CASSI: And in perfect timing. (points) --Ardeth and Benton come out, dragging Paul Sobriki.-- CARTER: (turns white) No.....(backs away, terrified) MURDOC: What's going on? ARDETH: This man stabbed Carter and his medstudent. The med-student died, and Carter nearly did, too. And this (dirty look) man..got off scott free. Why? Because he's crazy! MURDOC: (glares) Evil man. (hands Carter Ardeth's scimitar) SUSAN: You can't do this. You'll never get away with it! WEAVER: What do you think, Robert? ROMANO: (glares at Sobriki) Sic him, Carter. Kill him! Let him feel like Lucy did, laying on that table, not knowing if she'd live or die....make him feel pain. Pain like he's never known. **Lets not ever make this man mad** SOBRIKI: You'll be arrested. SVEN: Frank, you're FBI, and a hostage negotiator. What do you think? DONOVAN: (still tied up in the chair, thinks about it) Monica? DAVIS: (who has been on set since Lost World--motions to Carter) He's insane....and they're just going to bring him back, anyway. DONOVAN: (nods and looks at Carter) He's all yours. CARTER: I can't do it. ARDETH: Be strong, my friend. You must overcome this. As Romano says, he won't be dead forever. SVEN: Do it in the Green Room. I don't want those with weak stomachs to barf all over the set. ARDETH: (nods) --Ardeth and Benton, drag Sobriki into the Green Room.....they are followed by Carter and Romano-- SVEN: Now, anything else to mention? LUKE: The Grey skinned alien, who's not really an alien is missing again. SVEN: Arg. WAGNER: I passed on zhat item of importance to zhe vone zhat you wanted me to give it to. SVEN: Good. 'Bout time. CASSI: Remember everybody! We are still doing Jurassic Lost World and The Vampire Mummy Returns, .....oh and Star Wars. SPIKE: It's not like we could actually forget. PIPPIN: (to the Author) So next? SVEN: "Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Spoof." ELROND: (who wasn't there when we announced it earlier) You're not serious? SVEN: Oh, but we are. ARWEN: This should be interesting. MERRY: Says you. These people usually make the original characters look like morons. MURDOC: We only make the ones that ARE morons look like Morons. --A scream is heard from the Green Room-- ABBY: (exits medlab) What's going on in there? SVEN: Ardeth, Benton, Carter and Romano are playing with Paul Sobriki in there. ABBY: Ouch....sounds like....fun.....I think. SUSAN: Which means the Green Room is going to be a mess for a while. --Across the set, a gunshot is heard, and everyone turns. Mad Chris has just shot Pippin-- MADCHRIS: That's for killing me! SVEN: (growls) Bad Chris Knight kill my hobbit! Jareth! The ears! JARETH: (grins and gives Mad Chris bunny ears) Bye bye, George. SVEN: ABOMINABLE!!!! YOU MISSED A GEORGE!!! ABOMINABLE: (bounces in, and grabs Mad Chris) Dere you, are George. You should not have tried to run away. I will have to spank you. (exits) MADCHRIS: (yelling) IT WAS WORTH IT!!!! SVEN: (muttering) Kill, MY Hobbit, will ya? MUNGO: I 'eard a gunsho'. SVEN: Mad Chris killed my Hobbit. SPIKE: Ugh, now I'm glad I left him alone. CASSI: I bet. --Dave and Kovac come in and cart Pippin to medlab-- MERRY: (shrugs) About time he got to die. SVEN: Careful, Merry, or you'll die again. ARAGORN: (now on morphine) Wouldn't that be funny!! Funny funny dead Hobbits!! (laughing hysterically) ARWEN: (eyes her husband, then moves away slowly) --Ardeth, Romano, Benton, and Carter exit the Green Room. They are covered in blood, but they are all grinning like they just won the lottery-- MUNGO: Roigh'....tha' looks loike anothah one. --Abby and Weaver look in the Green room, then cover their mouths and bolt for the bathroom.-- DAVE: That bad, huh? ROMANO: (grins) That was very stress relieving. Now I can work and feel good. CARTER: (also grinning) Not to mention it was fun, too! ARDETH: Most definitely. BENTON: (sighs) And very entertaining. --7 of 9 and Dana Scully, who seem to have the best stomachs, go into the Green Room. A few minutes later, they exit, with a covered stretcher-- CASSI: Guess they don't wanna show anybody. ABBY: I'm going to be sick again. SVEN: (snaps her fingers and the Green room is clean again) **And the Evil Trio says thankyou for cleaning it up before you get here? Luv ya, ladies!** PIPPIN: (exits medlab) Where's Mad Chris? ROMANO: Not a clue. SVEN: You were busy with Sobriki. We sent him off with Abominable. ROMANO: Oh...killed Pippin, did he? SVEN: Yep. CARTER: You alright, Pip? PIPPIN: (smiles) I am, now! ARAGORN: (starts singing) ARDETH: Ah...morphine. SVEN: Yeah...nice if it worked on me. So not fair. **Yes, it's true. Sven is immune to morphine. It's a thing in our family. We're both immune to all Motrin and Novacain products. Fun, huh? And if by some chance they actually DO work, they can't use it more than twice, as we build an immunity to too fast. You should see us at the dentist and for any kind of surgery...drives the doctors, as well as us, insane.** FIDDLES: I get to be a hero in the next one, too! Right? Huh? Don't I? SVEN: Yes, you're playing Arwen's horse. FIDDLES: YAHOOOOO!!!!! AGENT J: I assume I'll be needed to flashy-thing the crazy dead dude? SVEN: His name is Paul Sobriki, and yeah, you will be needed. Make him remember it as a nightmare. CARTER: Oh yes! That would be great!!! ROMANO: I have to agree with that....and Carter? Since that crazy dead guy was the reason you killed the entire medcrew, you're rehired. I can't really blame you. CARTER: (walks over and shakes Romano's hand) Friends? ROMANO: (smiles) Yeah....at least while we're on the set. DAVE: That's frightening. ROMANO: Was anyone talking to you, Mallucci? No! Shut up! DAVE: (glares) ELROND: So who's playing me? SVEN: Angelus. ANGELUS: What? SVEN: Never mind. Wasn't talking to you. MUNGO: (walks out of medlab) 'E's aloive an' restrained. AGENT J: I'll take it from here. (goes into medlab, then returns, leading Sobriki out, and they disappear backstage--J returns alone a minute later) All done. SVEN: Okay, good...than we're finished! Bye people! --Sven, Cassi, and Kristi exit-- JIGGLYPUFF: (from the door) Jigglypuff!!! ALL: Oh NOOOOO!!!!!! TWO HOURS LATER ******************* --The Hobbits, who were able to stay awake, have left. The rest are all drawn on-- EVELYN: Not AGAIN!!! CHRIS: (angry) I KNEW it was too much to hope that pink ball wouldn't show up!! GLORY: Stupid pink ball. ROMANO: I thought assistants were immune to that. JOHN: Not when the Authors don't know she's coming. RYAN: An' how do ya know they didn't? MURDOC: It's normal. They've done it before. CHRIS: Well, anyway, this is over. I'm leavin'. I got a date with Crisa after I wash this crap off. **Crisa Marks is Chris' fiancee, in case you were wondering....and no, the name thing is actually a coincidence. The other band members of Danger Zone are Thackary, (Chris' twin brother), Christy Kennedy (Thackary's girlfriend) and Chrissy Carmody. Weird, huh?** --The cast and Peanut Gallery exit the set, grumbling about the cursed pink ball....who is really kind of cute in her own way-- BOB: (turns off the camera and grins) The end! THE VERY REAL END ****************************