EVILAUTHOR SPOOFS, EPISODE 1 **number one! First spoof...cool, huh? We finally got around to typing it.** ********************************************************************** Before Miracle Mungo, and all the dead people, before Star Wars, before....well all the others. Well, you've been wondering where this all began. The very beginning of our insanity. It all began with Sven reading a story online where someone spoofed The Phantom of the Opera with the "Cats" characters. Looking at it, we noticed they skipped an awful lot out of it. So naturally, Sven decided she could do better. Offhand, I can't remember who the person was that wrote the spoof we read. We have it printed out, but, since we moved recently, God only knows where it could be. I'm pretty sure it's in a box marked "Desk/Cassi". However, I don't really want to look for it, as it's in the basement for the moment. So, anyway, as a disclaimer, I, Cassi, own Bob, the Bobcat and myself. Sven owns herself, and the rest of the group is all Cats. So, without anymore delay, I give you the spoof that started it ALL!!! Note by Sven, who did eventually finish the typing of this section......about a year after Cassi started. We have finally found the original Cats spoof of The Phantom of the Opera. It is by Sia Kanche. We give her credit for the inspiration of the spoofs, but we took it a step further, deciding that movies were more fun than musicals to spoof...and the Cats really weren't enough to work with. ************************************************************************* "THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA, A SPOOF"-- By Sven (evilspoofauthor1) ******************************************************************* CAST ******* PHANTOM............................................................Mr. Mistoffelees CHRISTINE............................................................Etcetera RAOUL...................................................................Rum Tum Tugger FIRMIN...................................................................Macavity ANDRE...................................................................Munkustrap CARLOTTA...........................................................Bombalurina MADAME GIRY...................................................Jellylorum PIANGI...................................................................Admetus REYER.....................................................................Coricopat MEG GIRY..............................................................Jemima BUQUET.................................................................Pouncival LEFEURE................................................................Tumblebrutus POLICEMAN.........................................................Alonzo PORTER FIREMAN..............................................Asparagus MADAME FIRMAN............................................Tantomile CHORUS.................................................................Demeter, Electra, Victoria, and Cassandra PEANUT GALLERY ***************** Mungojerrie, Rumpelteazer, and Cassi (author's sister) **Author looks back at the Peanut Gallery- -nearly has a heart attack.......It's only ONE line!! SECURITY: Bob, the bobcat Although the spoof was filmed, we do not mention a camera man. This is because we have no clue as to who filmed it. Only that it is mentioned to be on tape later......but then nothing we do really makes sense. Perhaps we snapped our fingers and created a video. ************************************************************************** BEFORE THE SPOOF ****************** **This is the only story where we gave credit to someone else for the idea of the spoof. The rest were all our own choosing, and our own casting. We simply borrowed the idea of the spoof from another author, put our minds to work and came up with the spoof stories you've come to enjoy. Although the original Phantom of the Opera spoof was very funny, they just skipped out so much that you would not be able to follow the plot if you had not heard the Opera. Sven, on the other hand, kept in most of the scenes, assuring that you can still actually find most of the plot....that is when the characters aren't screwing it up.....which they did a lot. So, now that the many disclaimers are out of the way.........here's our first spoof.** ALL CAST: NOT AGAAAAIIIN!!!! TANTO: YES!!! I'm NOT Christine!!!! **Tanto played Christine in the other one** MACAVITY: Hey, what's the big deal? Why ain't I Raoul? AUTHOR: Cuz I said so. MISTO: Then who's Raoul and Christine? AUTHOR: (smiles) Read the cast. MISTO: (falls over, laughing) TUGGER: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! (tries to run, but can't escape) ETCETERA: YEEESSSS!!!!! I GET TUGGER!!!!!! MISTO: Why am I still the Phantom? AUTHOR: Because you make a good one. Oh, and another thing. No scene skipping unless I say so. Is that clear? ALL: (groan) TUGGER: Hey, Mac, wanna switch? Pleeeeaaasse? (on his knees, begging) MACAVITY: Not a chance. BOMBA: Why couldn't I be Christine? AUTHOR: Because I said so. Am I getting through to you felines? ALL: (make faces) Yes.....unfortunately. TUGGER: Pul-ease don't make me do this, not with Etcetera. AUTHOR: Sorry, time to start. ALL: (groan) Here we go again. THE SPOOF ********************* ACT ONE/SCENE ONE ******************** BOMBA: (holding a severed head) What is this? AUTHOR: I think it was one of Mac's employees. BOMBA: (throws it across the stage, and screams) AUTHOR: I'm kidding. It's a prop. BOMBA: Not funny. ADMETUS: Sure it was. You just didn't get it. BOMBA: (threatens to kick him) AUTHOR: No fighting. Chorus, start singing. ALL CHORUS: (sing) The trumpeting elephants sound-- hear, Romans, now and tremble! Hark to their step on the ground--hear the drums! Hannibal comes..... **Author busts out laughing as she types.....not for a couple spoofs anyway--another thing... this was BEFORE we had seen "Silence of the Lambs" We didn't know who Hannibal Lecter was.** TUMBLE: Who's Hannibal? AUTHOR: For all I know, I think he's a member of the A-Team....My sister who's an Alien is stuck on him. **Remember the Cats asking about my sister who's an alien...this is the reference** TUMBLE: Forget I asked. AUTHOR: I already have. BOMBA: Can we skip to my part? AUTHOR: Hmmm, I'm thinking hmmmm, still thinking... MISTO: (from backstage) You think? AUTHOR: No, I lost my brain a long time ago. MISTO: Why doesn't THAT surprise me? AUTHOR: Careful, or I'll let Etcetera tear your face off, during the scene when she takes your mask off. **Another note....at this time Tugger HATED Etcetera....after the cats ended up in Zorro..... "A Magical Mess" Etcetera was one of the cats turned into cathumans....she changed and Tugger decided he liked her. This is before all that, though, because this is before Twiddlenose, Phantom and Maceno arrived....eventually I'll get that story up....we turned Zorro and De Soto into cats.....which is why we left Zorro alone so long...** MISTO: I'm quiet! BOMBA: Are you done thinking yet? AUTHOR: How can I think with all this talking? ALL: We're bored. AUTHOR: So, do I care? ALL: (groan) AUTHOR: Alright, sing your part, Bomba. BOMBA: (singing) Think of me, think of me fondly, when we've said goodbye. Remember me once in awhile, promise me you'll try. --A loud crash from backstage interrupts her-- AUTHOR: Misto, that was early. MISTO: Oops. Sorry, I was tired of listening to Bomba singing. BOMBA: Why you little black and white FREAK! CASSI: That's Mr Freak! MISTO: (shoots a lighting bolt at Bomba) BOMBA: Since when is he allowed to do that? AUTHOR: The Phantom has magic. Why do you think we casted Misto for the part? MISTO: (sticks his tongue out and scurries backstage) DEMETER, ELECTRA, & CASSANDRA: He's here, the Phantom of the Opera! He is with...it's the ghost..... ADMETUS: You IDIOTS! Bomba, Bomba, are you hurt? BOMBA: No you DIMWIT! He missed! ADMETUS: That was my line. BOMBA: Sorry. TUGGER: (to Misto) You should have aimed for Etcetera. MISTO: Maybe next time. ETCETERA: HEY!! BOMBA: Excuse me, but this is MY part! MISTO, TUGGER, & ETCETERA: So?! AUTHOR: Hey, no fighting. ALL: Can we skip to something interesting? AUTHOR: What you don't wanna watch Bomba have a temper tantrum, and then watch Etcetera sing "Think of Me" ALL EXCEPT ETCETERA & BOMBA: NOO!! AUTHOR: I'm considering it.(pauses) Nope, sorry. MISTO: This is going to be along play. AUTHOR: Longer than you think. By the way, I have a mask for you. MISTO: Why? AUTHOR: Do you really want Etcetera to tear your face off? MISTO: I'll take the mask. At least she's younger then me. AUTHOR: Not by much. MISTO: Very funny. BOMBA: Excuse me, my scene! AUTHOR: Yeah, you storm out and Etcetera starts singing "Think of Me." MISTO: I'm starting to hate that song. (puts in earplugs) BOMBA: (storms out) ETCETERA: (starts singing) Think of me fondly, when we've said goodbye. Remember me once in a while--promise me you'll try. MISTO: (accidently trips over something, causing a crash) ETCETERA: Hey, you're not supposed to interrupt ME!! MISTO: Sorry, it was an accident. MUNGO & TEAZER: Sure tha's wha' they always say. AUTHOR: Hey, you're not even in this play. MUNGO & TEAZER: We're the Peanu' Gallery. AUTHOR: Cool, you can stay. MUNKU: Uh-oh. MACAVITY: Why am I worried? MISTO: Hey, great!! My friends. So where's Bob? MUNGO: (hides under his seat) TEAZER: On vacation. AUTHOR: Back to the play. Etcetera restart "Think of Me." ETCETERA: (singing) Think of me, think of me fondly, when we've said goodbye. Remember me once in a while--promise me you'll try. --Another crash is heard backstage-- AUTHOR: MISTO!! MISTO: I didn't do it!! AUTHOR: Then who did? --Everyone points toward Tugger, who smiles sheepishly-- TUGGER: She was killing my eardrums. MISTO: (throws a pair of earplugs to Tugger) They work. TUGGER: Thank you. AUTHOR: Alright, skip to scene two and no more arguing. SCENE TWO ************* MISTO: I still don't know what this means. AUTHOR: I do, you're saying, Bravo. You're applauding her on a good job. MISTO: You're joking right? She sucks! ETCETERA: Hey, I resent that!! MISTO: Good. AUTHOR: Say it now! MISTO: Bravi, bravi, bravissimi. Even if it's not true. JEMIMA: (singing) Where in the World have you been hiding? Really you were perfect.. (pause)NOT!! I only wish I knew your secret! Who is this new tutor? What's he tutoring her for, magic? AUTHOR: Shut-up! ETCETERA: (singing) Father once spoke of an Angel....I used to dream he'd appear. Now as I sing, I can sense him, and I know he's here. Here in this room, he calls me softly, somewhere inside me. Somehow I know he's always with me....he the unseen genius. (pauses) Misto a genius? You have got to be kidding me. MISTO: (glares) JEMIMA: Etcetera, you must have been dreaming. Stories like this can't come true. Etcetera, you're talking in riddles and it's not like you, to not dream about Tugger. ETCETERA: Angel of Music, guide and guardian. Grant to me your glory. And a date with Tugger. JEMIMA: Who is this angel? This..... ETCETERA & JEMIMA: Angel of Music, hide no longer! Secret and strange Angel. ETCETERA: He's with me even now.... JEMIMA: Your hands are cold....How are her hands cold, if they're covered in fur? ETCETERA: All around me.... JEMIMA: Your face, Etcetera, it's white. It frightens me. It frightens Tugger, too. ETCETERA: Don't be frightened. JELLYLORUM: Jemima, are you a dancer? Then come and practice. (to Etcetera)I was asked to give you this. (hands Etcetera a note and walks off) ETCETERA: A red scarf....the attic.....little Lotte....(smells note and grins widely) It's from Tugger. SCENE THREE ************* MUNKU: Not this scene, again! No other way to describe it. MACAVITY: What a relief! Not a single refund. TANTOMILE: (screams) AAAAAHHHH now I'm MARRIED to Macavity! (faints) MUNKU: Mac, I think we've made quite a discovery in Etcetera. MACAVITY: We're here, Tugger. TUGGER: Don't make me go in there alone. AUTHOR: Ahem, you go alone! TUGGER: Alright. Gentlecats, if you wouldn't mind. This is one visit, I'll make alone. I'll kill myself tomorrow. MUNKU: As you wish, Tugger. --Tugger enters the room-- MACAVITY: They appear to have met, before. Of course they have!! She won't leave him alone! (they exit) TUGGER: Etcetera, where is your scarf? ETCETERA: Tugger, my darling! TUGGER: You can't have lost it. After all the trouble I took, I was just fourteen. ETCETERA: Stop talking nonsense, Tugger. You're not a day over three years old! TUGGER: Etcetera, DON'T!! --Tugger attempts to bolt as Etcetera throws her arms around him-- TUGGER: Get me out of here! AUTHOR: Back to the script! ALL: We're bored. AUTHOR: So be bored, see if I care! TUGGER: Little Lotte thought; Am I fonder of dolls.... ETCETERA & TUGGER: ....or of riddles and frocks, whatever that is. TUGGER: Those picnics in the attic....or of chocolates. MISTO: I said it once and I'll say it again. Chocolate is bad for pollicles. AUTHOR: Shush-up, Misto! ETCETERA: Father playing the violin.... TUGGER: As we read to each other dark stories of the North. ETCETERA: No, what I love best, Lotte said, is when I'm asleep in my bed, and the Angel of Music sings songs in my head! TUGGER & ETCETERA: (singing) The Angel of Music sings songs in my head. ETCETERA: Father said, "When I'm in heaven, child. I will send the Angel of Music to you." Well, father is dead......He is NOT!! CASSI: (from the Peanut Gallery) No, but he wishes he was. MUNGO: No, bu' Tugger sure does. TUGGER: No doubt about that!! And now I leave, I mean we go to supper. ETCETERA: I love to. I mean no, Tugger. Misto is very strict. TUGGER: I most definitely won't keep you up late. ETCETERA: No, Tugger. TUGGER: You must change I have to leave. See you in an hour or two. (hurries out) ETCETERA: Tugger. MISTO: Insolent boy, this slave of fashion, never was there a more truthful statement! (cont) Basking in your glory! Somehow, I doubt that's true. Ignorant fool, this brave young suitor. Even if he's older than me. He is STILL ignorant! TUGGER: (from backstage) HEY!! MISTO: (laughs) Sharing in my triumph. ETCETERA: (singing) Angel, I hear you speak, I listen. Stay by my side, guide me. Angel, my soul was weak, forgive me. Enter at last, Master. MISTO: (singing) Flattering child, you shall know me. See why in shadow I hide. Look at your face in the mirror, I am there inside. I still say it would be squished. ETCETERA: (singing) Angel of Music, Guide and Guardian, grant to me your glory. And that date with Tugger! Angel of Music, hide no longer. Come to me, strange Angel. MISTO'S VOICE: I am your Angle, come to me, Angel of music. CASSI: It's not funny, anymore. TUGGER: Who is that voice? Like I care. Who is that in there? MISTO: I am your apple of music, come to me angel of music. MUNGO: (throws an apple at Etcetera) ETCETERA: Hey, where'd he get that? TUGGER: Etcetera....APPLE! ETCETERA: Great, now it's becoming a habit. (dodges an apple thrown by Teazer) AUTHOR: Continue. I like this song, no ruining it.....or my sister will hit you with her spray bottle. --Cassi holds up her spray bottle, Mungo & Teazer hide under their seats-- ETCETERA: (singing) In sleep he sang to me, in dreams, he came. That voice that calls to me and speaks my name....and do I dream again, for now I find, the Phantom of the Opera is there--inside my mind. MISTO: (singing) Sing once again with me, this strange duet. My power over you, grows stronger yet. And though you turn from me, to glance behind, the Phantom of the Opera is there inside your mind. ETCETERA: (singing) Those who have seen your face, draw back in fear. MISTO: (flatly) Thanks. ALL PEANUT GALLERY: We love you, anyway!! ETCETERA: (singing) I am the mask you wear..... MISTO: It's me they hear. AUTHOR: Okay, my hand hurts. Next scene. TUGGER: Somebody's lazy. AUTHOR: Cas? CASSI: (squirts Tugger) TUGGER: Right, on to scene five. SCENE FIVE ************ MISTO: I have brought you to the seat of sweet music's throne to this kingdom where all must pay homage to music...music. You have come here for one purpose, and on alone since the moment I first heard you sing, I have needed you with me, to serve me, to sing for my music.. my music. ETCETERA: (nervous) Misto, um...you're getting a bit into character. AUTHOR: Okay, sorry about this, Misto. We're skipping to the end of this scene. MISTO: (singing) You alone can make my song take flight---help me make the Music of Night. SCENE SIX ************ ETCETERA: I remember there was mist.......swirling mist. Upon a vast, glassy lake....There were candles all around, and on the lake there was a tom.... --She rises and approaches Misto, who does not see her. As she reaches for his mask, he turns, almost catching her. This happens several times-- ETCETERA: Hold still, Misto! Who was that shape in the shadow? Whose is the face in the mask? --She finally succeeds in tearing the mask off of Misto, who whirls, furious....Not that he's ugly or anything-- MISTO: I can really say all this? AUTHOR: Kittens hold your ears. Not you, Etcetera! You have to hear it. Misto, go ahead. MISTO: D*** you! You little prying pandora!! You little demon.....is this what you wanted to see? Curse you! You little, lying Delilah! You little viper....now you can never be free!! D*** you! Curse you.... TUGGER: You tell her, Misto!! CASSI: I think she should have pulled his face off. AUTHOR: No more John Saul books for you! MISTO: (cont) Stranger than you dreamt it....can you even dare to look or bear to think of me: this loathsome gargolye, who burns in h***, but secretly yearns for heaven.....Secretly...secretly. But, Etcetera, fear can turn to love, you'll learn to see, to find the man behind the monster: this repulsive carcass. MUNGO: 'e's really being 'ard on 'imself. (ducks being hit by the spray bottle) MISTO: Who seems a Beast, but secretly dreams of beauty, secretly, secretly.... Oh, Etcetera. (holds out his hand for the mask, which she gives to him, and he puts it back on) Come, we must return, those two fools who run my theater will be missing you. MACAVITY & MUNKU: HEY!! We're not FOOLS!! SCENE SEVEN *************** POUNCE: Boring.......(dodges a spray and reads the script) Like yellow parchment is his skin...a great black hole served as the nose that never grew.....You must always be on your guard, or he will catch you with his magical lasso! MISTO: Sure will!! JELLYLORUM: (to Pounce) Those who speak of what they know find to late, that prudent silence is wise. Poucival, hold your tongue...he will burn you with the heat of his eyes! ALL PEANUT GALLERY: Cool trick!! Can you demonstrate, Misto? MISTO: I'll do it on you if you don't shut-up! (ducks as a spray of water almost hits him. He sticks out his tongue and scurries backstage) SCENE EIGHT *************** MACAVITY: My big scene! "Mystery after gala night," it says "Mystery of Soprano's flight!" --Macavity is cut off as a spray of water lands in his face. Cassi takes the spray bottle back and hits Mungo over the head with it-- AUTHOR: Okay, I get the point. Let's skip to the Phantom's notes. --Macavity picks up one of the er..."Phantom's" notes...he hands a second one to Munku-- MACAVITY: (to Munku) It seems you have one, too. MUNKU: (reads aloud) "Dear Munku, what a charming gala! Etcetera enjoyed a great success we were hardly berefit when Bomba left. Otherwise it was entrancing, but the dancing was a lamentable mess! MACAVITY: (reads his note) "Dear Macavity, just a brief reminder. My salary has not been paid. Send it care of the ghost, by return of post---P.T.O: No one likes a debater, so it's better if my orders are obeyed!" I'm not paying that dratted Magician!! (dodges a lightning bolt from backstage) MACAVITY & MUNKU: Who would have the gall to send this? MACAVITY: These both are signed "O.G"..... MUNKU: I get to say h***? AUTHOR: If Misto can call Etcetera, what he called her, you can say one small word. MUNKU: Who the h*** is he? Even if I know he's Misto. BOTH: Opera Ghost! MACAVITY: It's really not amusing. MUNKU: He's abusing our position. MACAVITY: In addition, he wants money! CASSI: Well DUH!! MUNKU: He's a funny sort of specter..... MACAVITY & MUNKU:...to expect a large retainer! Nothing plainer...he is clearly insane! TUGGER: (enters with one of Misto's notes) Where is she? Not that I care! MUNKU: You mean Bomba? TUGGER: I wish...I mean Etcetera. Where is she? MACAVITY: Well, how should we know? You know how kittens are! TUGGER: I want an answer...I take it you sent me this note. MACAVITY: What's all this nonsense? MUNKU: (about the note)Of course not. MACAVITY: Don't look at us. We don't want her! TUGGER: She's not with you, then? MACAVITY: Of course not! MUNKU: We're in the dark. TUGGER: Don't argue...Isn't this the letter you wrote? MACAVITY: And what is it, that we're meant to have wrote....written! TUGGER: (hands the note to Munku, who reads it) MUNKU: (reading) "Do not fear for Etcetera. The Angel of Music has her under his wing. Make no attempt to see her again. TUGGER: If you didn't, who did? BOMBA: (bursts in carrying a note) Where is HE?! MUNKU: Ah, welcome back. BOMBA: Your precious patron....Where is HE? TUGGER: What is it now? BOMBA: I have your letter, a letter, which I rather resent! MACAVITY: And did you send it? TUGGER: Of course not! I like Bomba! MUNKU: As if he would! BOMBA: You didn't send it? MUNGO: 'e jus' said tha'! BOMBA: (glares at Mungo) TUGGER: Of course not! MACAVITY: What is going on? MISTO: Exactly what's supposed to! AUTHOR: Shh.. BOMBA: You dare to tell me that this is not the letter you sent?! TUGGER: And what is it that I'm meant to have sent? (Tugger takes the letter and reads it)"You're days at the Opera Populaire are numbered. Etcetera will be singing on your behalf tonight, be prepared for a great mis fortune, should you attempt to take her place." MACAVITY & MUNKU: Far too many notes for my taste and most of them about Etcetera! All we've heard since we came in is Etcetera's name! TUGGER: Scary thought. JELLYLORUM: (enters) Etcetera has returned. MACAVITY: (dryly) I trust her midnight oil is well and truly burned.....told you she was all we've heard about. MUNKU: Where precisely is she now? JELLYLORUM: I thought it best she went home. JEMIMA: She needed rest. TUGGER: May I not see her? AUTHOR: Ahem! TUGGER: Alright, may I see her? JELLYLORUM: No, Tugger. She will see no one. TUGGER: Thank-you, God! BOMBA: Will she sing? Will she sing? JELLYLORUM: Here, I have a note. TUGGER, BOMBA, & MUNKU: Let me see it! MACAVITY: (snatches ait and smirks) Please. (opens the letter and begins reading, Misto's voice gradually takes over) "Gentlecats, I have now sent you several notes of the most amiable nature, detailing how my theater is to be run. You have not followed my instructions. I shall give you one last chance....... MISTO'S VOICE: (taking over) "Etcetera has returned to you, and I am anxious her career should progress. In the new production of "Il Muta," you will therefore cast Bomba as the pageboy, and put Etcetera in the role of Countess. The role which Etcetera plays calls for charm and appeal. The role of the pageboy is silent--which makes my casting, in a word, ideal. I shall watch the performance from my normal seat in Box Five, which will be kept empty for me. Should these commands be ignored, a disaster beyond your imagination will occur." MACAVITY: (takes over) "I remain, Gentlecats. Your obedient servant. O.G." BOMBA: Etcetera! MUNKU: What's next? BOMBO: It's all a ploy to help Etcetera! MACAVITY: This is insane! BOMBA: I know who sent this! Tugger, her lover. TUGGER: (ironical) Indeed! Can you believe this, she's accusing ME of being Etcetera's lover? MUNKU: Bomba, you know he can't stand her! BOMBA: I don't know what this means. AUTHOR: So? I don't either! BOMBA: O traditori. MACAVITY: (to Bomba) This is a joke! MUNKU: This changes nothing! BOMBA: O mentitori. MACAVITY: Bomba! MUNKU: You're our star! MACAVITY: And always will be. MUNKU: Bomba.... MACAVITY: This man is mad! MUNKU: We don't take orders! MACAVITY: Miss Etcetera will be playing the Pageboy, the silent role..... MUNKU & MACAVITY: Bomba will be playing the lead! BOMBA: Useless trying to appease me! You're only saying this to please me. Which it is! JELLYLORUM: Who scorn his word beware to those..... BOMBA: You have reviled me. JELLYLORUM: The Angel sees, the Angel knows...... TUGGER: Why am I saying this? AUTHOR: Ahem! TUGGER: Why did Etcetera fly from my arms? TEAZER: Because you threw 'er? TUGGER: You're smart! BOMBA: You have rebuked me! MUNKU & MACAVITY: Bomba, pardon us..... BOMBA: You have replaced me? AUTHOR: Hate to cut in, but me and my sister hate this song. So we're gonna skip ahead a bit. TUMBLE: I thought your sister was an alien. AUTHOR: Different sister. This one is normal......somewhat. Jelly, skip to "Oh fools line." **And at this time, Cassi actually looked normal, as this was before she dyed her hair to look like Pepe** JELLYLORUM: Oh fools, to have flouted his warnings! TUGGER: Surely, for her sake..... JEMIMA: Surely, he'll strike back..... MUNKU & MACAVITY: Surely, there'll be further scenes, worse than this! CASSI: Who is this "Shirley"? AUTHOR: I don't want to know. Script! JELLYLORUM: Think, before these demands are rejected! TUGGER: I must see those demands are rejected! JEMIMA: If his demands are rejected. MISTO: Why are they cutting the lines up so badly? AUTHOR: That's how it is written. So butt out, and scram! MISTO: Kay, bye. MUNKU & MACAVITY: Who'd believe a diva, happy to relieve a chorus girl, who's gone and slept with the patron? Tugger and the Soubrette entwined in a lovers duet. MUNGO: Wai' a minute. Are they talkin' abou' Tugger an' Etce'era? MUNKU: Although he may demur, he must have been with her! TUGGER: Only in her dreams. TUGGER & JEMIMA: Etcetera must be protected! BOMBA: I'm not saying that. AUTHOR: Fine. TUGGER: His game is over! JELLYLORUM: This is a game you cannot hope to win! TUGGER: And in Box five a new game will begin. JELLYLORUM: For, if his curse is on this opera.... JEMIMA: But if his curse is.....oh forget this! Jellylorum just said this! AUTHOR: Skip the next two lines. JEMIMA & JELLYLORUM: Than I fear the outcome... TUGGER: Etcetera plays the pageboy and are ears are saved. Bomba plays the role of the Countess.... JELLYLORUM: Should you dare to.... JEMIMA: When once again..... AUTHOR: Skip to Misto. MISTO'S VOICE: So it is to be war between us! If these demands are not met, a disaster beyond your imagination will occur! ALL: Once more. SCENE NINE ************** TUGGER: Gentlecats, if you would care to take your seats. I shall be sitting in Box Five. MUNKU: Is that wise? TUGGER: It's as far away from Etcetera, as I can get! AUTHOR: Skip to the Phantom's voice. MISTO'S VOICE: Did I not instruct that Box Five was to be kept empty. JEMIMA: (terrified) He's here, the Phantom of the Opera. ETCETERA: It's him....I know it's him.... BOMBA: Your part is silent, you toad! --Misto hears her-- MISTO'S VOICE: A toad, Madame? Perhaps it is you who are the toad.... --They start again, from the opening scene.....-- BOMBA: (as the Countess) Serafimo, away with this pretense! You cannot speak, but kiss me in my.....croak! (instead of singing, she begins to croak like a toad) --Misto is laughing quietly at first, then more and more hysterically. Bomba regains her composure and starts again-- BOMBA: Poor fool, he makes me laugh....hahahahahahahaha! Croak, croak, croak, croak,croak.. etc. --As before, Misto is laughing quietly at first, then rises. The croaking continues as the chandelier's lights blink on and off. Misto's laughter, by this time overpowering now crescendos into a great cry-- MISTO'S VOICE: Behold! She is singing to bring down the chandelier! BOMBA: (looks up frightened) Make him stop. I cannot go on. Misto, you monster! ADMETUS: (rushing on) Bomba, Bomba, I'm here it is all right, come I'm here. (leads Bomba away) MUNGO: Boy Misto's really out-doing 'imself. MACAVITY: Queens and Gentlecats, the performance will continue in ten minutes time. When Etcetera will sing the part of the Countess role. ETCETERA: (calling for help) Tugger! Tugger! --Tugger runs up to Etcetera and embraces her.....surprise....surprise-- TUGGER: Etcetera, come with me. ETCETERA: No...to the roof. We'll be safe. TUGGER: Yeah, maybe you will! SCENE TEN ************* TUGGER: Why have you brought us here? ETCETERA: Don't take me back there! TUGGER: We must return. ETCETERA: He'll kill me. TUGGER: I wish he'd kill ME! ETCETERA: His eyes will find me there! TUGGER: Etcetera, don't say that. He's up here with us! ETCETERA: (looks around fearfully) He's crazy. Those eyes that burn. Look what he did to Bomba. It's all Mungo and Teazer's fault! TUGGER: Don't even think it.... ETCETERA: And if he has to kill a thousand cats..... TUGGER: Let me forget this waking nightmare. ETCETERA: Misto will kill Tugger.....no he wouldn't. MISTO: (from behind a statue) Don't put it past me. TUGGER: (glares at Misto) Stop scaring her, or I'll never get away from her. ETCETERA: And kill again. TUGGER: Shut-up. ETCETERA: My God, who is this cat..... TUGGER: You know who he is. ETCETERA: Who hunts to kill. TUGGER: Oh come on. Misto? He is the most harmless cat I've ever met! --A lightning bolt narrowly misses Tugger-- TUGGER: This mask of death. ETCETERA: I can't escape from him. TUGGER: I'll get you for that, Misto! ETCETERA: I never will. TUGGER: What is she saying? AUTHOR: If you'd stop talking to the Phantom, you'd know. TUGGER: Sorry, where were we? AUTHOR: Labyrinth! TUGGER & ETCETERA: And in this labyrinth, where night is blind, the Phantom of the Opera is here inside your/my mind. TUGGER: There is no Phantom of the Opera, just Misto. ETCETERA: Tugger, I've been there to his world of un-ending night..To a world where daylight dissolves into darkness.....darkness. Tugger, I've seen him! Can I ever forget that sight? Can I ever escape that face? So distorted, deformed, it was hardly a face, in that darkness...darkness. MUNGO: Poor guy. Their being so mean.... 'e's no' tha' bad. MISTO: Thanks, Mungo! TUGGER: What you heard was a dream, nothing more.... AUTHOR: You skipped a line. TUGGER: Please excuse it. AUTHOR: Fine, just this once. ETCETERA: Yet in his eyes all the sadness in the world....those pleading eyes, that both threaten and adore. TUGGER: Etcetera, Etcetera, you cannot be speaking of Misto. MISTO: Tugger, I'm gonna strangle you. ETCETERA: What was that? AUTHOR: Alright, we're gonna skip part of this song for two reasons. One, I don't want Tugger running to the next state. And two, I just don't want to hear the sap. So we're skipping to Misto. Your line, Misto. MISTO: I gave you my music...made your song take wing...and now, how you've repaid me; denied me and betrayed me....He was bound to love you when he heard you sing.... TUGGER: Please don't make me. AUTHOR: You got out of most of it. TUGGER: (sighs) TUGGER & ETCETERA: Say you'll share with me one love one lifetime....Say the word and I will follow you....share each day with me, each might, each morning. MISTO: You will curse the day you did not do all the Phantom asked of you GO!! --The chandelier falls on the stage at Etcetera's feet...and the stage goes to dark-- ACT TWO--SCENE ONE ********************** MUNKU: Mac? MACAVITY: Munku? Dear me Munku, what a splendid party! MUNKU: The prologue to a bright new year. MACAVITY: Quite a night. I am impressed. Well one must do one's best. BOTH: Here's to us! MACAVITY: I must say, all the same, that it's a shame that "Phantom" fellow isn't here. MISTO: He will be. (laughs) MUNKU: (nervously) Author, he's getting serious. AUTHOR: About time someone did. He's supposed to get into the character. You should follow his example. MUNKU: Alright, if you say so. AUTHOR: By the way, I HATE this song. So I'm not writing it out. JELLYLORUM: What a night. JEMIMA: What a crowd. MUNKU: This is sick. AUTHOR: I agree. Skip to Etcetera and Tugger. ETCETERA: Think of it, a secret engagement. Look at your future bride! Just think of it! TUGGER: WHAT?!?! AAAAAHHHHH! (Tugger faints) AUTHOR: Um...skip to the Phantom. MISTO: Why so silent, good cats. Did you think that I had left you for good? Have you missed me, good cats? I have written you an Opera! Here I bring the finished score. "Don Juan triumphant" (throws it to Munku) I advice you to comply, my instructions should be clear. Remember, there are worse things than a shattered chandelier. ETCETERA: Misto, what are you doing? MISTO: Your chains are still mine....you will sing for me! --Misto evaporates-- MUNGO & TEAZER: 'e's doing grea'. I 'ope 'e don' kill anyone. 'e's gettin' over-eagah. SCENE TWO--Backstage-- ********************** TUGGER: Jellylorum, Jellylorum. JELLYLORUM: Don't ask me. I know no more than anyone else. TUGGER: That's not true, you've seen something haven't you? JELLYLORUM: This isn't appropriate for..... AUTHOR: Can it. They have to learn sometime. JELLYLORUM: I don't know what I've seen.......Please don't ask me, Tugger. TUGGER: Jelly, for all of our sakes. JELLYLORUM: Very well. It was years ago. There was a traveling fair in the city. Tumbles, conjurors, feline oddities.. TUGGER: Go on. JELLYLORUM: And there was......I shall never forget him: A tom locked in a cage. TUGGER: In a cage? JELLYLORUM: A prodigy, Tugger! Scholar, architect, musician..... TUGGER: Composer. JELLYLORUM: And an inventor too, Tugger. They boasted he had once built for the Shah of Persia, a maze of mirrors... TUGGER: Who was this cat? JELLYLORUM: (with a shudder) A freak of nature. More monster than cat.... MISTO: Gee, thanks! AUTHOR: Shhh, we're listening. TUGGER: Deformed? JELLYLORUM: From birth, it seemed. TUGGER: Oh my. JELLYLORUM: And then he went missing. He escaped. TUGGER: Go on. JELLYLORUM: They never found him. It was said he died. TUGGER: But he didn't, did he? JELLYLORUM: The world forgot him, but I cannot, for in this darkness, I have seen him again. TUGGER: And so our Phantom's this cat. JELLYLORUM: I have said too much. (she backs off into the shadows) There have been too many accidents. TUGGER: Accidents? JELLYLORUM: Too many. (she disappears) TUGGER: Jellylorum! SCENE THREE **************** MUNKU: Ludicrous! Have you seen this score? MACAVITY: Well of course it is, Misto wrote it! MUNKU: True. AUTHOR: Cas? --Both Macavity and Munku are hit with water from the spraybottle-- MACAVITY: Not again. I just dried off! MUNKU: Yuck! AUTHOR: If you don't continue with the script, you're going to get wetter. MUNKU: This is the final straw! MACAVITY: This is lunacy....Well you know my views. MUNGO: Who doesn't? MACAVITY: Shut-up! --Another spray of water hits Macavity-- MUNKU: Utter lunacy! MACAVITY: But we dare not refuse.... MUNKU: Not another chandelier.... MACAVITY: Look, my Enemy, what we have here. AUTHOR: You're only getting away with that because it's true. MACAVITY: Thank-you. (hands Munku his note) MUNKU: (reads his) "Dear Munku, Re my orchestrations: We need another first bassoon. Get a player with tone....and that third trombone has to go! The cat could not be deafer, so please, preferably one who plays in tune!" MACAVITY: (reads his) "Dear Macavity, Vis a` vis my opera: Some chorus members must be sacked. If you could, find out which has a sense of pitch, wisely, I've managed to assign a rather minor role to those who cannot act." BOMBA: Outrage! MACAVITY: What is it now, as if I have to ask! BOMBA: This whole affair is an outrage! MACAVITY: Tell us something we don't know! BOMBA: Have you seen the size of my part? I should have been Christine.....Then I'd be with Tugger! MUNKU: Bomba, listen. ADMETUS: It's an insult. MACAVITY: Not you, too! ADMETUS: Have you read the script? Misto's gonna kill me! MISTO: (amazed) I am? ADMETUS: (terrified) See, he's after me! His laser eyes are gonna get me.... ALL PEANUT GALLERY: He's been watching too many horror movies. MACAVITY: Please Admetus, you have to understand. It's a play......it's all make believe. ADMETUS: What about what he did to Bomba? MACAVITY: Um, Misto? MISTO: That was funny! AUTHOR: Ahem! ADMETUS: I'm gonna DIE!!! **Here it is folks, the VERY first..."I'm gonna die!" It has been in every spoof the follows this** BOMBA: The things I have to do for my art. ADMETUS: ART?!?! He's gonna kill ME!! MUNGO: So deal with i', nobody lives forevah. AUTHOR: Mungo, you've been around my sister too long. --Tugger and Etcetera enter-- BOMBA: (dryly) Ah, here's our little flower! Who stole Tugger away from me! TUGGER: Um. AUTHOR: Shh..it's not your line, defend yourself later. MACAVITY: Ah Etcetera, quite the cat of the hour! MUNKU: You have secured the largest role in this "Don Juan" ETCETERA: (glares) So? That STUPID Author skipped out the scene where me and Tugger kiss! TUGGER: Thank-you so much, Author! AUTHOR: See, I did good. CASSI: I knew you had an ulterior motive. MISTO: I thought she wanted to hear me! AUTHOR: I do, you're so cute! MISTO: I'm going to hide now! BOMBA: (half to herself) Etcetera? She doesn't have the voice. MACAVITY: Signora, please. BOMBA: What does that mean? AUTHOR: Never mind! TUGGER: Then I take it, you're going to continue with this spoof inside a spoof. AUTHOR: I like the sound of that. TUGGER: I try. BOMBA: She's behind this..... MUNKU: It appears we have no choice! BOMBA: She's the one behind this! Etcetera! ETCETERA: How dare you! BOMBA: I'm no fool! PEANUT GALLERY: Really?! ETCETERA: You EVIL queen! How dare you! BOMBA: You think I'm blind? ETCETERA: This isn't my fault! I don't want anything to do with this plot! TUGGER: (grins) Good, that means you don't want anything to do with me! (starts to leave but runs into a huge Bobcat) MISTO: I took the liberty to bring in Bob. --Mungo and Teazer hide beneath their chairs-- TUGGER: I'll stay, I'll stay! AUTHOR: Wise decision. Thank-you, Misto. MISTO: You're welcome. MACAVITY: Etcetera surely...... MUNKU: But why not? ADMETUS: What does she say? MACAVITY: It's your decision, but why not? BOMBA: She's backing out! YES!! MUNKU: You have a duty! ETCETERA: I cannot sing it, duty or not! TUGGER: (comforting) Etcetera, Etcetera.....you don't have to, they can't make you.... --Jemima and Jellylorum enter with another note from our magical cat-- JELLYLORUM: Please, Gentlecats and Queens, another note. (starts reading it)"Fondest greetings to you all! A few instructions, just before rehearsal starts. Bomba must be taught to act... MISTO'S VOICE: (gradually takes over)....not her normal trick of strutting around the stage. Our Don Juan must lose some weight. It's not healthy in a cat Admetus' age. And my managers must learn that their place is in the office, not in the arts. As for Etcetera, no doubt she'll do her best... it's true, her voice is good. She knows, though, should she wish to excel, she has much still to learn, if pride will let her return to me, her teacher, her teacher. Your obedient friend.... --Misto's voice fades and Jellylorum takes over-- JELLYLORUM:...and Angel. TUGGER: We have been blind...and yet the answer is staring us in the face....This could be the chance to ensnare our clever friend.... CASSI: Good, I still owe him a squirt! MUNKU: We're listening..... MACAVITY: Go on.... TUGGER: We shall play his game..perform his work....but remember, we hold the ace....for if Etcetera sings, he is certain to attend... MUNKU: We make certain the doors are barred. MACAVITY: We make certain our men are there. MUNGO: (from under his seat) Bob is Misto's bodyguard. There nu's! TUGGER: We make certain they are armed....What am I saying? I don't want Misto dead! MUNKU, MAC, & TUGGER: The curtain falls...his reign will end! JELLYLORUM: Madness! You can't kill a young cat with his potential. MUNKU: I'm not so sure. MACAVITY: Not if it works. JELLYLORUM: This is MADNESS! MUNKU: The tide will turn. MISTO: Don't bet on it! JELLYLORUM: Munku, believe me...there is no way of turning the tide! MACAVITY: (to Jelly) You stick to ballet! TUGGER: (to Jelly) Then help US! JELLYLORUM: Tugger, I can't, I won't! TUGGER: Instead of warning us.... ALL THREE: Help us! JELLYLORUM: I won't help you hurt Misto! ALL THREE: Don't make excuses! TUGGER: Or could it be that your on his side. JELLYLORUM: Well of course I am! AUTHOR: That's not in the script! JELLYLORUM: I will not say that! (doesn't move as the water hits her in the face) AUTHOR: Okay, I'm sorry. Forget it! MUNKU & MACAVITY: We say he'll fall, and fall, he will. MISTO: Don't bet on it. BOMBA: She's the one behind this...Etcetera! This is her doing. ADMETUS: This is the truth! Etcetera! TUGGER: This is his un-doing. MUNKU & MAC: IF you succeed, you will free us all...this so-called "Angel" has to fall! TUGGER: Angel of music, fear my fury.. Here is where you fall! (dodges a lightning bolt) JELLYLORUM: Hear my warning! Fear his fury! TUGGER: (rubbing singed hair) I noticed that. BOMBA: What glory can she hope to gain? It's clear to all, the girls insane! MUNKU: If Etcetera sings, we'll get our cat... ADMETUS: She is crazy, she is raving! MISTO: Are you talking about Etcetera or the Author? (dodges another spray of water, he sticks his tongue out and scurries backstage) AUTHOR: Don't worry, Cas. You'll get him. CASSI: I know. MACAVITY: If Etcetera helps us in this plan. TUGGER: Say your prayers, black Angel of death! ETCETERA: Please don't...... MUNKU: If Etcetera won't, then no one can... JELLYLORUM: Tugger, I beg you, do not do this. MUNKU & MAC: This will seal his fate! ETCETERA: If you don't stop, I'll go mad!! Tugger, I'm frightened, don't make me do this....Tugger, it scares me....don't put me through this ordeal by fire. He'll take me, I know....We'll be parted for- ever. He won't let me go. TUGGER: And this is a bad thing? MISTO: It is for me. ETCETERA: What I once used to dream, I now dread....If he finds me, it won't ever end...and he'll always be there singing songs in my head, he'll always be there singing songs in my head. ALL: (stare at her) BOMBA: She's mad. TUGGER: You said yourself, he was nothing but a cat...Yet while he lives, he will haunt us till we're dead... ETCETERA: Twisted every way, what answer can I give? Am I to risk my life, to win the chance to live? Can I betray the cat, who once inspired my voice? Do I become his prey? Do I have any choice? He kills without thought, he murders all that's good.....I know I can't refuse, and yet, I wish I could, oh God....if I agree, what horrors wait for me, in this phantom's opera? TUGGER: Etcetera, Etcetera, don't think that I care--but every hope and every prayer rests on you now! AUTHOR: Don't think I didn't hear that. --Tugger stays still and closes his eyes as a spray of water hits him in the face-- TUGGER: (to Misto) So, it is to be war between us. But this time, clever friend, the disaster will be yours. MISTO: I seriously doubt that! You're the one who ends up with Etcetera! AUTHOR: Misto, stop scaring him! SCENE FOUR ************** ADMETUS: This is stupid, why should I practice? Misto's just gonna kill me and take my place in the play, anyway. AUTHOR: At least someone memorized their part. BOMBA: Really I agree with Admetus. Can we skip this part? AUTHOR: I have to think about it. Then I have to decide where to skip to. ALL CAST: How about "The End?" AUTHOR: (laughs) No! ALL: [darn]! AUTHOR: Skip to scene five and go to last verse of the song. SCENE FIVE ************* ETCETERA: No more memories, no more silent tears.....no more gazing across the wasted years....help me say goodbye. MISTO: (appears) Wandering Child.....so lost.....so helpless....yearning for my guidance.... ETCETERA: Angel.....or father? Friend or Phantom? Who is there staring? MISTO: (more and more hypnotic) Have you forgotten your Angel? ETCETERA: Angel....oh, speak....What endless longings echo in this whisper! --Tugger appears in the shadows and watches transfixed-- MISTO: (now drawing Etcetera towards him) Too long you wandered in winter.... TUGGER: (to himself in a murmur) Once again she is his. MISTO: Far from my far-reaching gaze.... TUGGER: Once again she returns..... ETCETERA: (increasingly memorized) Wildly my mind beat against you...... MUNGO: How is he doing that? MISTO: You resist... ECETERA & MISTO: Yet (your/ the) soul obeys... **One said "your", the other said "the" confusing, huh?** TUGGER: To the arms of her angel....angel..or demon.....still he calls her...luring her back, from the grave ...angel or dark seducer? Who are you strange angel? I can't be speaking of Misto! AUTHOR: You are! MISTO: Angel of music! You denied me, turning from true beauty.....Angel of music! My protector... come to me, strange angel. --Etcetera approaches Misto-- MISTO: (beckons her) I am your Angel of music, come to me Angel of music.. TUGGER: (suddenly calling out) Angel of darkness! Cease this torment! --Misto continues to beckon Etcetera-- MISTO: I am your Angel of music.....Come to me, Angel of music... TUGGER: Etcetera! Etcetera, listen to me. Whatever you believe, this cat, this thing....sorry, Misto... .is not your father! (to Misto) Let her go! Etcetera! ETCETERA: (coming out of her trance, turns and mouths the word) Tugger? (she runs to Tugger. Who surprise, surprise--hugs her protectively) --Misto freezes for a moment and suddenly seizes a spike, upon which is impaled a skull, and a fireball lands at Tugger's feet-- MISTO: Bravo, Tugger, such spirited words! (another fireball is thrown at Tugger's feet) TUGGER: Um Misto, be careful. MISTO: Let's see, Tugger. How far you do dare go? (another fireball is thrown) TUGGER: More deception? More violence? ETCETERA: Tugger, no.... --Tugger walks slowly toward Misto, the fireballs always landing just ahead of him-- MISTO: That's right, that's night. Tugger keep walking this way! (two more fireballs are thrown) TUGGER: You can't win her love by making her your prisoner! ETCETERA: Tugger, don't.... TUGGER: (to Etcetera) Stay back! Boy did I want to say that! MISTO: I'm here, I'm here. Tugger. The Angel of death! Come on, come on. Tugger, don't stop, don't stop! (three more fireballs) --Tugger is almost at Misto's feet. A confrontation is imminent, when Etcetera suddenly rushes across to Tugger-- ETCETERA: Tugger, come back. (she pulls him away) MISTO: Don't go! So be it! Now let it be war upon you BOTH!! --There is a flash of lightning and the stage erupts in flames-- SCENE SIX**BEFORE THE PREMIERE** ********************************** ASPARAGUS: You understand my instructions. FIRECATS: SIR! ASPARAGUS: When you hear the whistle, take up your positions. I shall then instruct you to secure the doors. It is essential that all doors are properly secured. MACAVITY: Are we doing the right thing, Munku? MUNKU: Have you a better idea? ASPARAGUS: Tugger, am I to give the order? TUGGER: Give the order. AUTHOR: Skip it, I'm bored. Skip to the stage after Misto runs off with Etcetera. Admetus, you're dead. Go be dead with the Peanut Gallery! ADMETUS: Thank you. MUNGO: Welcome to the pah'y! BOMBA: What is it? What has happened? MUNKU: Oh, my. MACAVITY: We're ruined, Munku, RUINED! JELLYLORUM: Tugger, come with me! BOMBA: My darling, my darling.....who has done this? ADMETUS: All this over me? And since when am I Bomba's darling? MUNGO: Shhh....you're dead. JELLYLORUM: Tugger, I know where they are. TUGGER: But can I trust you? JELLYLORUM: You must. But remember 'your hand at the level of your eyes! TUGGER: But why? JELLYLORUM: Why? The punjab lasso, Tugger. First Poucival, and now Admetus. POUNCE: I'm dead? Waaahhh!!! JEMIMA: (holding up her paw) Like this, Tugger. I'll come with you. JELLYLORUM: No, Jemima, you stay here. (to Tugger) Come with me, or we'll be too late. SCENE EIGHT ************* MISTO: Down once more to the dungeon of my black despair! Down we plunge to the prison of my mind! Down that path into the darkness deep as [heck]! Why you ask, was I bound and chained in this cold and dismal place? Not for any mortal sin, but the wicked mess of my abhorrent face! ETCETERA: (frowns) Your face isn't ugly. --Misto just looks at her coldly-- ALL ANGRY MOB CAST: Track down this murderer! He must be found! MISTO: Hounded out by everyone! Met with hatred everywhere! No kind word from anyone! No compassion anywhere. PEANUT GALLERY: I guess he forgot us. JELLYLORUM: Scene Nine isn't suitable for kittens. CASSI: Who cares? Violence is cool. They have to learn it sometime. JELLYLORUM: He lives across the lake, Tugger. This is as far as I dare go. TUGGER: Thank you. (looks in the lake) You've got to be kidding me, for HER? MACAVITY: If I had to, so do you! AUTHOR: Swim, Tugger, or Bob mauls you. TUGGER: (looks at Bob, who smiles, then lets out a sigh and plunges in the water.) ALL: (various cat calls) BOMBA: Oh baby...You look good soaked! PEANUT GALLERY: He looks like a drowned pollicle. MUNKU: I never thought I'd see the day. MACAVITY: I'm loving this! AUTHOR: Scene change. SCENE NINE ************ ETCETERA: Have you gorged yourself at last, in your lust for blood? MISTO: (doesn't reply) ETCETERA: Am I now to be prey to your lust for flesh? MISTO: (coldly) That fate, which condemns me to wallow in blood has also denied me the joys of the flesh....this face---the infection that poisons our love. This face which earned a mother's fear and loathing. A mask, my first unfeeling scrap of clothing--pity comes to late turn around and face your fate. An eternity of this before your eyes. ETCETERA: (looks calmly into his face) This haunted face holds no horror for me now....It's in your soul that the true distortion lays. MISTO: Wait! I think, my dear, we have a guest! And he smells like a wet pollicle. MUNGO: He looks loike one, too! MISTO: Sir, this is indeed an unparalleled delight! I had rather hoped that you would come. And now my wish comes true--you have truly made my night. TUGGER: Free her! Do what you like, only free her! Have you no pity? MISTO: Your lover makes a passionate plea! ETCETERA: Please, Tugger. It's useless. TUGGER: Do I have to say this? Mac didn't. AUTHOR: Yes you do. (laughs evilly) TUGGER: I love her! Does that mean nothing? I love her! Show some compassion. BOMBA: (to herself) I knew it! MISTO: The world showed no compassion to me. TUGGER: Etcetera, Etcetera---let me see her. MISTO: (dryly) Be my guest, Sir...... (the fence rises and Tugger enters) Tugger, I bid you welcome. Did you think that I would harm her? Why should I make her pay for the sins which are YOURS? (he takes the punjab lasso and before Tugger has a chance to move, catches him by the neck. The end of the rope, of which Misto has let go, remains magically suspended in mid-air, then he taunts) Order your fine horses now! Raise up your hand to the level of your eyes! Nothing can save you now--except perhaps Etcetera! Start a new life with me---Buy his freedom with your love. Refuse me, and you send your lover to his death. This is the choice---this is the point of no return. TUGGER: (gasps)Little tight there, Misto! ETCETERA: The tears I might have shed for your dark fate grow cold, and turn to tears of hate. TUGGER: (still gasping for breath) Author, make him loosen it up. AUTHOR: Sorry, but I'm staying out of this one. ETCETERA: Farewell, my fallen idol and false friend one by one. I've watched my illusions shattered.. MISTO: Too late fore turning back, too late for prayers and useless pity. TUGGER: (unable to speak and turning blue) MISTO: Past all hope of cries for help, no point in fighting. For either way you chose you cannot win. So do you end your days with me, or do you send him to his grave? TUGGER: (almost about to blackout) AUTHOR: Loosen the rope a bit, Misto. (once loosened, Tugger gets his breath back) TUGGER: Why make her lie to you to save me? ETCETERA: Angel of Music...... MISTO: Past the point of no return. TUGGER: (starts to speak, but the rope is tightened, again and he gasps for breath) ETCETERA: Why this torment? MISTO: The final threshold. ETCETERA: When will you see reason? MISTO: His life is now the prize which you must earn! ETCETERA: Angel of music. MISTO: You've past the point of no return! ETCETERA: You deceived me--I gave my mind blindly. MISTO: You try my patience, make your choice! ETCETERA: (moves toward him, she begins quietly at first and then grows with emotion) Pitiful creature of darkness, what kind of life have you known? God give me courage to show you, you are not alone.... --Now calmly facing him, she kisses him long and hard. Tugger who can barely breath is staring wide- eyed-- MOBCATS: Track down this murderer he must be found hunt out his animal who runs to ground. Too long he's preyed on us--but now we know the Phantom of the Opera is there deep down below.. --The kiss, much to everyone's relief, jars Misto out of character. He stands there stunned for a moment. Then gestures and the rope falls to the ground. Tugger rubs his neck-- MISTO: I think you need to get out of here before they find you. Sorry about the rope, Tugger. I wasn't myself. Get going. TUGGER & ETCETERA: (get in the boat) TUGGER: I'm not singing that. MISTO: You alone can make my song take flight! It's over now the music of the night! ALL: FINALLY! ***************************************************************************** THE END ************ AFTER THE SPOOF ***************** TUGGER: (pushes Etcetera in the water and paddles over to where Bomba is) Bomba, you know your the only one for me. BOMBA: But you said you loved her. TUGGER: I only did it for the Author. BOMBA: (nods and smiles getting in with Tugger. They paddle off together) ETCETERA: I guess I have to settle for Misto. MISTO: (wisely vanishes) ETCETERA: Where'd he go? MISTO: (reappears in the Peanut Gallery) So are we on for my house? MUNGO & TEAZER: Sure. CASSI: (sprays Misto in the ear with the water) MISTO: Thank you. I was melting up there! CASSI: You know I have room for two more cats. If you don't mind two small pollicles. MUNGO: We're goin' ta Misto's! MISTO: Bob's coming too. MUNGO & TEAZER: (to Cassi) How much space you go'? MISTO: (shrugs and stands, then he sways and passes out) AUTHOR: What did you put in that bottle, Cassi? CASSI: Um...water, that's all....and skin-so soft, but that wouldn't do that. (pauses) Unless it was the smell. MUNGO: 'e's used too much magic. It's your fault, Author. 'E shouldn't use tha' much.......(he is cut off by a spray of water) CASSI: Maybe you should spend time with Bob. (grins) You know I wrote that story. **The story when Bob the Bobcat came to live at Victoria Grove was written by Cassi, and never finished....sorry** MUNGO & TEAZER: (hurry off) AUTHOR: You scared them off. CASSI: (shrugs) Bob, sic um! --Bob races after Mungo and Teazer. Cassi sprays more water at Misto's face, but gets no response-- AUTHOR: Hey, Munku? Misto's out cold. He used too much magic. You wanna take him home? MUNKU: Will do. (comes and takes Misto away) --Cassi goes and greets Bob, who has the two calico cats in paw-- AUTHOR: (sighs) It's over. Boy does my hand hurt.....**My head hurts now** MACAVITY: So stop writing. AUTHOR: Why? Maybe I like my hand hurting. By the way, where's Tantomile? MACAVITY: Still unconscious, I thought it was best to leave her alone. AUTHOR: Okay. POUNCE & ADMETUS: Why did you make our characters die? AUTHOR: I didn't. The original Author of the Phantom of the Opera did. BOTH: Oh. ALONZO: He you skipped my part. AUTHOR: Accidents happen. CORICOPAT: What about my part? Hmm? AUTHOR: Um...Tantomile unconsious backstage you might want to see her. CORICOPAT: (hurries off) ALONZO: Accidents, huh? I don't think it's fair. AUTHOR: Look at it this way. You're getting a part right now. ALONZO: Okay. ETCETERA: Tugger and Misto left ME!! AUTHOR: Do you blame them? ETCETERA: Not funny. POUNCE: You can hang out with me, Cetti. ETCETERA: I like that name, brother. You're right, let's go wreak some havoc. (she leaves with Pounce) VICTORIA: How come I got CUT? AUTHOR: You were boring, sides Bomba fit the part better. VICTORIA: It's still not fair. Hey where'd Misto go? AUTHOR: Munku took him home. He passed out. Too much magic. Speaking of home this needs an end. Gotta go. BYE EVERYONE!!! ALL THAT'S LEFT: GOODBYE AND GOOD RIDDANCE ***************************************************************************** The VERY REAL END. Here you are the end of the Phantom of the Opera. The end of the very first spoof. So REVIEW and tell me what you thought of our old work. I'm sure you can see we changed as we went along!!