STAR WARS: SHADOWS OF THE SPOOF, BY SVEN (evilspoofauthor1) Parody of the Book, "Shadows of the Empire", and 3rd in "Star Wars" spoof series!!!! Short note: reading spoofs can cause irreversable brain damage. Use caution when reading. ^_^ ******************************************************************************** DISCLAIMER: CHARACTERS BORROWED FROM AS FOLLOWS: The movies "Star Wars", "Hook", and "Labyrinth", The "Star Wars" Books, The Series' "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer", "Angel", "MacGyver", and "Animaniacs", "X-Men" comics, "X-Babies" comics, The musical "CATS", and last, but defintely not least-- "Looney Toones". As usual, none of these characters belong to me, and they will all be returned in working order. We do kill a few, but we have an excellent medical team, so no worries!!!! REFRENCES TO AS FOLLOWS: The movie "Labyrinth", Bill Engvall's "Here's Your Sign", "Dot, the Vampire Slayer", by Cassi, "Labyrinth, a Spoof", By Cassi, Unposted "Cats" fanfics, by Sven, and more. ORIGINAL CHARACTERS: Bob (By Cassi), Phantom, Maceno, and Twiddlenose (By Sven) -all CATS. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CAST FOR "STAR WARS: SHADOWS OF THE SPOOF" ********************************************* LUKE SKYWALKER....................................Scott Summers "Cyclops" (X-Men) LEIA ORGANA.............................................Buffy Summers -no relation- (Buffy) LANDO CALRISSIAN.................................Spike (Buffy) CHEWBACCA..............................................Sabortooth (X-Men) DASH RENDER............................................Riley Finn//cast change--Murdoc (Buffy&MacGyver) PRINCE XIZOR.............................................Angel (Angel) DARTH VADER...........................................Corsair (X-Men) EMPEROR PALPATINE.............................Rupert Giles (Buffy) C3PO..............................................................Gambit (X-Men) R2D2..............................................................Jubilee (X-Men) GURI (XIZOR'S ANDROID)......................Mistique (X-Men) BOBA FETT.................................................Xander Harris (Buffy) JABBA THE HUTT.....................................Mojo (X-Men) WEDGE ANTILLES....................................Kurt Wagner "Nightcrawler" (X-Men) VIDKAN.......................................................Macavity (CAT) --Please keep in mind that this is written from a book, so the cast list may not include some characters, and as we've had complaints, some characters are listed as being here, but they don't always talk much--How- ever--They ARE still there. Sorry if they don't speak, it is very difficult to keep track of every person in the cast and Peanut Gallery.-- PEANUT GALLERY ***************** Cassi (author's sister), Mr. Mistoffelees (CAT), Princess Leia, Han Solo, Luke Skywalker, Chewbacca, Boba Fett (Star Wars), Jareth (Labyrinth), Jean Grey (X-Men), Pouncival, Tumblebrutus, Munkustrap (CATS), Lando Calrissian, Willow Rosenberg (Buffy), Rufio (Hook), and MacGyver (MacGyver). ALSO FEATURING ****************** Princess Domina "Kristi" (author's sister), Anya (Buffy),Harmony (Buffy), The Warners (Animaniacs), Phantom (by Sven), Oz (Buffy), X-Babies, Bobby "Iceman" Drake (X-Men), The "Snowcone Guy", Prof. Xavier (X-Men), Jacen, Jaina, and Anakin Solo and their freinds-Zekk, Tanalka, and Lowbacca (Star Wars Books). MEDICAL TEAM: Mungojerrie & Rumpelteazer (CATS) CAMEOS BY **************** Abominable (Looney Toones), Various Jellicles (CATS), Maceno, Twiddlenose (By Sven), Lorna Dane (X-MEN),and The Jawa "Dink-Dinks"!!!!!! CAMERA CAT: Bob (By Cassi) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BEFORE THE SPOOF ********************** ANGEL: You let RILEY be in this? SPIKE: Ohhh, he can't act for CRAP! AUTHOR: Yep, and he gets to work with you, Spike, and Scott. You all get to trudge through sewege together. One of you even falls in, but I don't remember which one. SPIKE: Well, it bloody well better not be me. AUTHOR: Hmmm, let me look it up......(laughs incoherently) SPIKE: NOOOO!!!! AUTHOR: Yep. ANGEL: Funny. BUFFY: Spike's gonna fall in sewege? AUTHOR: Yep. BUFFY: (laughs incoherently) CASSI: He's gonna stink for a while. JARETH: At least it's not the Bog of Eternal Stench. LANDO: No, it's worse. LUKE: Yeah, you should know. HAN: Amusing. LEIA: Not if you had to smell them afterwards. AUTHOR: Can we start this? MUNGO: Wha' abou' us? AUTHOR: Come join!!! TEAZER: I'm 'ere!!! MACAVITY: I have to tromp through sewege, too? BOMBA: Yuck. MUNKU: At least it's not me. RILEY: At least I don't have to worry about falling in. AUTHOR: No, but you die. RILEY: (flatly) Gee , thanks. AUTHOR: So does Angel. BUFFY: Says who? AUTHOR: Steve Perry, who wrote the book. BUFFY: Oh. MISTO: I'm HERE!!!!! PHANTOM: He invited me! CASSI: Good thing the X-Babies aren't here. We have enough people. YAKKO: Can we join? WAKKO: Puleeeeeeaze? DOT: Can we? AUTHOR: Not this time.....maybe next. WARNERS: (exit) JARETH: I presume I'm invited to stay. AUTHOR: Yeah, whatever. BOB: Can we start? AUTHOR: I've been trying to start.....Now, the beginning!!! THE SPOOF ******************** AUTHOR: Okay, we can skip the beginning. It's where Angel gets to watch the conversation between Corsair and Giles.....you know the one where Giles has the dress on. ANGEL: (laughs incoherently) AUTHOR: Glad everyone remembers. GILES: Although I really wish they didn't. SPIKE: Is Snowcone Guy in this? KEVIN: (enters, grins, and exits) SPIKE: (mutters) Great. AUTHOR: Okay, skip Buffy's dream. Scott, you're barefoot, standing on a taunt wire, wearing an enitre black outfit..... JEAN: (whistles from the Peanut Gallery) AUTHOR: Anyway, no talking here. We can skip it. SCOTT: Can I get down? AUTHOR: Yeah, sure. On to Angel. ANGEL'S CHAIR: What is your wish, Prince Angel? ANGEL: My CHAIR talks!!??? AUTHOR: Yes, now say your lines. ANGEL: Nothing. Be silent. SPIKE: 'Ey. Soul Boy's talking to a chair! MYSTIQUE: The Pike sisters kenetic twins, not clones. the one on the right is-- AUTHOR: Boring!!! Skip to Buffy! She's in a ratty, disgusting cantina, with Sabor and lots of ugly Aliens! BUFFY: Look, I appreciate your help, but I can handle these guys. SABOR: (grunts a comment) AUTHOR: Sabor, please speak English. SABOR: Let's see. BUFFY: The next time somebody comes over, just watch me. You can do it without threats, you know. AUTHOR: Okay, a Devronian, the aliens that look like Satan, comes over and wants to buy Buffy a drink. BUFFY: Thankyou, but I'm waiting for somebody. DEVRONIAN: Well, why don't I keep you company until you-- BUFFY: You're no alien!!! (stakes the vampire in disgust) SABOR: You win. SPIKE: Buy you a drink, Beautiful? RILEY: Be careful. take a look at what she did to the last one. SPIKE: Shut up, Riley. You can't act, so quit messing it up. BUFFY: (glares at both) How'd you get in here? SPIKE: Back door. GAMBIT: He remembered to bring us. JUBILEE: (lets out a squeel) GAMBIT: Master Spike, wouldn't it be better if we waited outside? I don't think they allow droids in here. We're the only ones in here. BUFFY: Now it's MASTER Spike? AUTHOR: That's okay. Angel is "Prince Angel". BUFFY: How sickening. SPIKE: Relax. Nobody is going to bother you. I know the owner. Besides, I don't want you alone outside. You might find this hard to believe, but this town is full of thieves. GAMBIT: So? I'm one of them. SPIKE: You wouldn't want to wind up shoveling sand on some moisture farm, would you? BUFFY: Considering who he is, he'll probably end up in prison. SPIKE: I think we've got Slave 1 spotted. BUFFY: What? Where? SPIKE: Um, on a moon called Gall, circling Zhor, a gas giant out in one of the far Rim Systems. The information is third hand, but the informant chain is supposed to be reliable. BUFFY: Not coming from you, it isn't. SPIKE: We can sit and wait, or we can go see. The bounty hunter should have delivered Logan to Mojo months ago. He's got to be someplace. I've got a contact in that syatem, an old gambling buddy who does a little...uh...freelance cargo delivery. His name is Riley. He's checking it out for me. BUFFY: Gambling buddy.....he never told me. Can you trust him? SPIKE: As long as my money holds out, yeh. BUFFY: Are we talking about you or him? SPIKE: (flatly) Real cute. BUFFY: How soon will we know? SPIKE: A few days. BUFFY: Anything would be better than waiting on the planet......what is that smell? SPIKE: Lots and lots of sunblock. This planet has two suns. CASSI: Dustbunny central. SPIKE: That's nothing, really. I have to wear a cloak over all the sunblock. AUTHOR: Sorry. We'll try to think of something for future spoofs. ANGEL: Glad I'm not there. SPIKE: Yeh, well I'll be doing this a lot. AUTHOR: Yeah, huge worm things are going to try to eat you in the next one. SPIKE: Great, just great. AUTHOR: Story time. SPIKE: (reads script and wrinkles his nose) That's gross. AUTHOR: Just read. SPIKE: Mos Eisley is known as the galexy's armpit. I guess there's worse parts of the anatomy to be. BUFFY: Gross. AUTHOR: Okay, skip a few lines. BUFFY: When has anything been easy since I met you? Let me ask you something. Of all the crummy places in this port, why did you choose this one? SPIKE: Well, I do know the owner. He owes me for a bet we once made. I get to eat and drink here for free whenever I'm in town. BUFFY: Oh boy, what a thrill that must be. You ever try to eat anything in this place? SPIKE: I haven't been that hungry yet, no. CASSI: (as Ace Ventura) Yummy. MUNGO: (sniffs) Somethin' smells bad. BUFFY: That's the food. TEAZER: Gross!!!! POUNCE: Looks fine to me! TUMBLE: I second that. SPIKE: I think I'm gonna be sick. BUFFY: Ditto. AUTHOR: Pounce, Tumble, stop eating that stuff! It'll give you worms! SPIKE: Now I'm REALLY sick! BUFFY: (turning green) Me too. Maybe we better go to Scott. AUTHOR: Actually, Angel's in the next scene. ANGEL: What, huh? AUTHOR: No sleeping. Corsair, you're up. ANGEL: Lord Corsair. CORSAIR: Prince Angel. ANGEL: You asked to see me, Lord Corsair. How may I be of help to you? CORSAIR: My master bids me to arrange for a fleet of your cargo ships to deliver supplies to our bases on the outer rim. ANGEL: This is the Dress Guy? CORSAIR: (laughs incoherently) GILES: Not funny. Remember, I DO have control of the darkside of the Farce. ANGEL: This IS a farce. AUTHOR: Be happy I didn't do something worse, now back to the story. ANGEL: Is that what you call this? AUTHOR: Spike, stake him. SPIKE: Can I for real? AUTHOR: Yes. ANGEL: I'm behaving. AUTHOR: Good boy. SPIKE: Damn. ANGEL: It embarasses me to say the you are correct, Lord Corsair. Certain individuals who worked for me were, however, those individuals are no longer employed by my company. CORSAIR: We shall need a hundred ships. Half of them, tankers, half sry cargo transports standard Imperial contracts. There is a large construction project of which you are aware. Can you supply the vessles? ANGEL: Yes, my Lord. You need but to tell me where and when you desire them and I will make it so, and Imperial terms are acceptable. SPIKE: What a poofter. AUTHOR: You don't know what he's thinking. SPIKE: Gross! I don't WANT to know! this IS Soul Boy here! AUTHOR: Spike, watch it, or Buffy will get you. BUFFY: Yep. SPIKE: Great. I'm being threatened by a cheerleader....I'm really scared. AUTHOR: You just had to have him star in "Dot", didn't you, Cassi? CASSI: Yep. ANGEL: Hey, Spikey-boy. That cheerleader can kick your butt. I've seen her. SPIKE: Oh shut up, Soul-Boy! AUTHOR: Okay, skip to Scott, who's assembling another lightsaber...wait, it's all thinking. Back to Angel. I need somebody to play Hoff. XANDER: I'll do it!!! AUTOHR: Okay, Xander. you beat up all of Angel's bodyguards.....or at least, most of them. ANGEL: Don't shoot him. Leave him alone. He's mine. SPIKE: (reads script) Ouch, that's gonna hurt. ANGEL: (knocks Xander across the hallway) What seems to be the problem, citizen? XANDER: You murdering scum!! You bog slime!!! ANGEL: (kicks Xander in the stomach) Have we met? I have an excellent memory for faces and I don't recall yours. SPIKE: Your memory must be getting bad in your old age, Soul-Boy. XANDER: You killed my father. Have you forgotten Colby Hoff? BUFFY: That's not your father's name, Xander. SPIKE: Such a pity. JARETH: Line stealer. ANGEL: (slams his fist into Xander's head, knocking him down) You are mistaken, Xander. Your father committed suicide, as I recall. Stuck a blaster in his mouth and blew the back of his head off, didn't he? Very messy. CASSI: We really needed to know that. Whos' hungry? SPIKE: ME!!! XANDER: You ruined him. ANGEL: We are business competitors. He gambled that he was smarter than I. A foolish mistake. If you cannot afford to lose, you should not play the game. XANDER: I'm gonna KILL you! ANGEL: I think not-- you see- to contend with Angel is to lose. As far as any reasonable person is concerned, attacking me will also be judged a suicide. AUTHOR: Xander, you're dead. Go back to being a bounty hunter. SPIKE: To contend with Angel is to lose? Who writes this crap, anyway? XANDER: I think I should have been able to kill him. ANGEL: Clean up this mess, and inform the proper authorities of this poor young man's fate. AUTHOR: To the dress-guy now. GILES: Not funny. CORSAIR: Is too. GILES: Is not. CORSAIR: Too. GILES: Not. CORSAIR: Too. BUFFY: Isn't it great to see grown men act like children? SPIKE: Quite amusing. GILES: Well, it seems that Prince Angel has kept up his martial arts practice, does it not? CORSAIR: Duh, he's a vampire. He's also a dangerous man, my master, not to be trusted. GILES: Do not concern yourself with Angel, Lord Corsair. He is my concern. SPIKE: I thought he was Buffy's concern. BUFFY: (hits Spike) CORSAIR: As you wish. GILES: One wonders how that hot-headed young man managed to get into a protected corridor. SPIKE: I let him in! XANDER: Did not! The author did. SPIKE: Had to try. CORSAIR: It was supposed to be ME who let him in! SPIKE: Angel doesn't have too many admirerers, does he? CORSAIR: I will look into it. SPIKE: I thought you did it! CORSAIR: I DID, you stupid dumb blond! SPIKE: HEY! AUTHOR: I wondered when someone was going to say something about that. GILES: Don't bother. There was no harm done. Prince Angel was hardly at risk after all, was he? He seems quite capable of taking care of himself, though I hate to see anything happen to him as long as he's usfull to us. CORSAIR: (exits) AUTHOR: To Spike's group! SPIKE: Hey Scott! SABOR: (growls a greeting) GAMBIT: Master Scott, it's so good to see you again. JUBILEE: (whistles a happy greeting) SPIKE: We would have called, but I couldn't find a phone. AUTHOR: Cute....real cute. SCOTT: Come inside. SPIKE: We think we've found Xander Fett. SCOTT: So why are we waiting? Let's go! SPIKE: Hold on a second. First, we have to make sure Fett's there. Then there's the matter of the Imperial Navy. SCOTT: Hey, we can fly circles around those guys. MUNGO: Cocky, ain' 'e? CASSI: Very. AUTHOR: Story! SABOR: (growls a question) GAMBIT: Ah, Sabor wonders if perhaps the Rebel Alliance might not be willing to help, given Master Logan's services to them. SCOTT: Sure they would. Kurt is in command of a Rogue Squadron now, and he said that if I ever needed him, he'd be there. SPIKE: They can drop whatever they're doing, just like that? BUFFY: It's in the script. They have to. SPIKE: Glad you cleared that up for me. SCOTT: Great, let's do it! SPIKE: Not so fast. First we have to make sure Xander's even there. SCOTT: Script says he is. BUFFY: So we can leave. AUTHOR: Nope, you have to wait. Skip the next Angel scene, then go to the one after it. Angel, you're up. SPIKE: He's already had more scenes then everyone else. ANGEL: I thought that went well. You've assembled all the information on Summers? BUFFY: Don't you already know about me? ANGEL: Wrong Summers. BUFFY: My mistake. MYSTIQUE: Yes, my Prince. ANGEL: All the material has been checked and rechecked? MYSTIQUE: As you ordered. ANGEL: Very well. Let the bounty hunters know the price for Summers' head. Black Sun's hand must be invisible. There must be no mistakes. MYSTIQUE: There will be none, my Prince. ANGEL: Oh, I would like to speak to Mojo the Hutt. MYSTIQUE: He will be online when you return from midday meal, my Prince. ANGEL: No, have him come here by the fastest possible ship. I would like to speak to him personally. SPIKE: There goes your lunch. ANGEL: What's that supposed to mean? SPIKE: He's ugly, very ugly. AUTHOR: Story. MYSTIQUE: As you wish. AUTHOR: Okay, Angel's thinking happy thoughts about killing Scott. Skip the next scene. Nobody wants to see Corsair naked. CASSI: (makes gagging noises) SPIKE: Oh gross. That's a sick thought. AUTHOR: It's in the book. Now on to Scott, who's working on the jewel for his lightsaber. GAMBIT: Sabor says Master Spike has returned. SPIKE: (enters, grinning) SCOTT: What are you so happy about? SPIKE: I just got a coded call from Riley. CASSI: Since when did that make you happy? SPIKE: Since it's in my script. BUFFY: So continue before we all fall asleep. SPIKE: That IS Xander Fett's ship on Gall. SCOTT: When can we leave? SPIKE: I've got the Falcon ready to go. How long would it take to get your X-Wing ready? SCOTT: Soon as me and Jubes get aboard. BUFFY: Good, let's go. AUTHOR: I'll get Kurt and his gang ready! Now back to Angel. SPIKE: Can we skip more of his scenes? He's always showing up. AUTHOR: So? What's your point? I'm following the book. HAN: This is amusing. Great to see what happened while I was in carbonite. LEIA: Now if only we could skip a lot of scenes. HAN: Okay, now I'm starting to wonder. AUTHOR: 'Scuse me, can we continue? HAN: Sure, go ahead. MUNKU: I want a role! AUTHOR: It's good to want things. You don't always get what you want. Ask Spike, he'll tell you. SPIKE: Tell him what? AUTHOR: You don't want me to say. SPIKE: Huh? RILEY: He wants Buffy, but he can't have her. BUFFY: Huh? XANDER: What? AUTHOR: Um, you brain dead people really need to pay attention to things. CASSI: Isn't it wonderful to be working with such morons? AUTHOR: Yeah, it's great. They never mind. I think I'll get a bottle of holy water to threaten Angel and Spike with. CASSI: Sounds like a good idea. SPIKE: Hey, remember us? We ARE here. AUTHOR: I wish I didn't remember you. SPIKE: 'Ey! AUTHOR: Now to Angel's scene. MOJO: (in Huttese) Greetings, Prince Angel. ANGEL: Speak English. MOJO: As you wish. SPIKE: Does everyone say that to him? BUFFY: I've never heard you say it to him. SPIKE: That's a gross thought. AUTHOR: Excuse me, we are doing a story here. ANGEL: How goes your business, Mojo? Are things well in your sector? MOJO: They could be better. Revenues are up, gennerally. Of course the cost of Imperial bribes has risen. As have shipping salaries, but one does what one must. ANGEL: I understand you had some dealings with high officails in the Empire of late. I speak of Lord Corsair. MOJO: Ah, not directly, Highness. I recently engaged several bounty hunters to ah, collect a debt. As it happened, one of them--Xander Fett, i believe you have utilized him yourself a time or two?--managed to locate the, ah, source of the debt in Imperial hands. Lord Corsair was in charge of the situation. A coincidence, I am told. ANGEL: You are speaking of Captain Logan, I believe. MOJO: A minor smuggler. He has had his uses in the past, but he joined the Alliance, and does owe me money. ANGEL: A little refreshment, Mojo? MOJO: Thankyou. Something crunchy? AUTHOR: Hate to cut you short, but no gross out scenes. On to something less disgusting. Gambit's playing the hologame with Sabor. GAMBIT: Well, I'm sorry, but it was a fair move. It's not my fault you didn't see it. SABOR: (growls a comment) GAMBIT: No, I'm not going to take it back, and don't threaten me. If you pull my arm off, I won't play with you anymore. SABOR: (mutters something under his breath, then leans back in his seat, staring at the gameboard) SPIKE: (enters, carrying a tray with several steaming plates and bowls on it) Dinner is served. Giju stew. --All in the room glance at it and return to what they're doing-- SPIKE: Don't everybody rush at once. CASSI: (sees the food) I thought we were going to something less disgusting. SPIKE: Come on, I spent an hour in the galley fixing this. Everybody dig in. SABOR: (says something that isn't complimentary) SPIKE: Hey pal, you don't like it, you cook next time. SCOTT: (makes a 'yuck' face) Giju stew? It looks like boot plastic and fertilizer drenched in pond scum... and it smells like it too. BUFFY: (laughs) SPIKE: (glares, snatches on of the bowls, dips a spoon in and shoves it into his mouth) See? It tastes great. It-- (stops talking. The expression on his face goes from irritated, to amazed, to horror, and then to disgust.--He spits it out) You SWALLOWED this stuff!? YUCK! Scott's RIGHT! LANDO: HEY! BUFFY: Let me guess. You let Lando cook it. SPIKE: Well, I wasn't going to cook for you people. Can someone order a pizza? CASSI: Gross. Grease city. AUTHOR: Find food elsewhere. I don't order in. SPIKE: Fine. I'll just have Scott. AUTHOR: Not one of the cast memebers. SPIKE: (makes a face) Unfair. CASSI: We can get the Red Cross back there for the next break. SPIKE: Okay, sounds good. XANDER: (makes a face) POUNCE: Food!!!! (swallows a whole bowl of Lando's stew, then spits it out) YUCK!!! This is disgusting!!!!! AUTHOR: (amazed) Pouncie couldn't eat it! Somebody get a bag marked 'toxic waste', and dispose of this stuff before we kill someone.....again. LANDO: HEY!! LUKE: Wise descision. HAN: Lando never could cook. LEIA: I second that. AUTHOR: Back to the story. SPIKE: As soon as I wash out my mouth. That stuff was NASTY!!! AUTHOR: Okay, we're agreed Lando can't cook. Now let's get Nightcrawler in here. WAGNER: Hey Scott! Velcome to zhe end of zhe galexy. SCOTT: Hey Kurt! How's it going, buddy? WAGNER: So-so. Anothah day, anothah credit--before taxes, of course. Good to see you again, Scott. I hope you've got something interesting cooked up for us. Sings have been a little slow, lately. SCOTT: Well, if you want to talk about bad cooking, you'll need to speak to Spike. SPIKE: I heard that. It was NOT my cooking. It was Lando's! SCOTT: Just a joke, Spike. SPIKE: A really bad one. WAGNER: Hey, Spike, long time. I figured you'd be in jail by now. SPIKE: Not yet, Wagner, not yet. BUFFY: He'll never end up in a jail. The government only wants him for a labrat. SPIKE: Now that difinitely wasn't funny. SCOTT: Stop fighting, you two. BUFFY: Why? I'm the Slayer and he's a vampire. We're supposed to fight. AUTHOR: Not on the set, you don't. SPIKE: Yes, mother! WAGNER: Can you be quiet so we can continue? XANDER: That would be a miracle. WILLOW: No, YOU shutting up would be a miracle, Xander. XANDER: Hey! AUTHOR: Kurt, your line. WAGNER: Follow us, Scott. Ve 'ave got camp set up on a little moon called Kile in the planet shadow opposite Gall. Ve 'ave fixed it up real nice, got air, gravity, water, all the comforts of home. SCOTT: Lead on, we're right behind you. AUTHOR: On the moon. BUFFY: You call this real nice? Spike's crypt is more livable then this. I'd really hate to see a place you thought was not real nice. SPIKE: There's no telly. WAGNER: Vell, you know the Rogues. All we need is a ship and a rock to land it on. BUFFY: You got the second part right. RILEY: Princess Buffy, how delightful of you to visit us here in our humble castle, Your Highness. SPIKE: This is Riley, thief, card cheat, smuggler, jerk, idiot, bad actor, boring, did I mention stupid--Oh yeah, he's an okay pilot, but I'm sure you all knew that already. CASSI: Enlightening. RILEY: What do you mean 'okay pilot', Spike? I can fly rings around you in a one winged hopper with a plugged jet. BUFFY: And modest, too. RILEY: I see the Princess has a keen eye to go with her stunning beauty. BUFFY: (to Spike) You really had to get him agitated, didn't you? SPIKE: Bottle the serpent oil, Riley. Let's take care of business. RILEY: First good idea you've had in years, Spike. SPIKE: (glares) You know Buffy,--at least you'd better, considering you've been sleeping with her-- This is Sabor, and this is Scott Summers, no relation to Buffy, of course. AUTHOR: Not until the next spoof, anyway. Then he's her brother. SPIKE: But Buffy only has a sister. AUTHOR: Well, now she's gonna have a brother, too. SCOTT: (to Riley) Have we met? You look familiar. SPIKE: Probably at Dorks Anonomus. BUFFY: (hits Spike) SPIKE: That didn't even hurt. Are you tired? BUFFY: (kicks Spike in the stomach, causing him to collapse to the floor) CASSI: He must like that a lot. AUTHOR: Yeah, he keeps taunting her. Back to the story. RILEY: You might have seen me on Huth. I was delivering a shipment of food stores when the shield went up. I flew a snowspeeder during the battle, while waiting for my turn to leave. SCOTT: I don't remember you there. Did Pounce shoot you from the sky with spray-string? CASSI: He was in "Dot the Vampire Slayer". SCOTT: That's where I saw him! He couldn't act and Yakko got his role. RILEY: Funny. JARETH: Get used to disappointment. SCOTT: Hey, give him a chance. There may be more to him than meets the eye. SPIKE: (luaghs incoherently) WAGNER: Zhe moon has some bad atmospheric conditions, big cyclonic storms that get real mean, mostly in the Southern hemisphere. You vouldn't vant to fly through one of zose. RILEY: Maybe you wouldn't want to, Wagner, but I eat thunderstorms for breakfast. SCOTT: Maybe there isn't more to him. Maybe he's just crazy. SPIKE: I'll buy that. CASSI: Wouldn't the lightning bother his stomach? BUFFY: Good question. I was wondering the same thing. SPIKE: Maybe that's what the two-bit vampire trolls were for. RILEY: Will you drop that, Spike!? SPIKE: Why? RILEY: I might decide to use real wood instead of plastic wood. BUFFY: Did I miss something? MUNGO: Your brain leaving? BUFFY: (glares) AUTHOR: Excuse me...STORY! WAGNER: Zat's about it. Vhat do you think, Scott? SCOTT: Is it safe to say this? AUTHOR: This isn't the Labyrinth. Yeh, go ahead. SCOTT: You'd better be right....Piece of cake, I know just how to do it. JARETH: It still may be a mistake to say that. SPIKE: We're dead. AUTHOR: Nope, only close. XANDER: All this over little ole' me? AUTHOR: No, they're looking for Logan. You just happen to be carting him around. XANDER: Nobody's taking my new statue. AUTHOR: No, you're going to give it to Mojo for lots of money. XANDER: Done! AUTHOR: Story! On to Angel! SPIKE: Again. AUTHOR: Maybe not....there's no talking here. Back to the wierd squad. BUFFY: (laughs) That's your plan? SCOTT: What's wrong with it? BUFFY: You and Rogue squadron will attack the Imperial Enclave, keep a hundred and some-odd Bow- ties and two star destroyers busy while Riley leads the Millenium Falcon to where Xander is parked. We'll just land, rescue Logan and fly away. Why nothing is wrong with it. What could I possibly be thinking was wrong? It's perfect! SCOTT: Okay, so it's simple. BUFFY: Simpleminded! SPIKE: Now, that's an insult. SCOTT: If you have a better plan? BUFFY: Well...... AUTHOR: Might I add that Scott's plan might work because the Imperials would never expect them to do anything that stupid. LUKE: Now I'm insulted. LEIA: It was a stupid plan. HAN: I agree. AUTHOR: Story. SCOTT: It'll work! RILEY: Not to put a governer on your drive or anything, but if we're going to sneak in the back way, it'll take some pretty fancy flying. Treetop level stuff to avoid local sensors. Might have to drop into the Grand Trench canyons. Even if that piece of Corellian junk you're in, doesn't fall apart, you think you can manage it? SPIKE: You flew it? I can fly it. RILEY: Yeah, well I was in the Outrider when I did it. SPIKE: The Millenium Falcon has had a few modifications since I owned her. SABOR: (makes a statement) RILEY: That right? Where'd you get sublight engines that fast? SABOR: (says something else, and waves his left arm) RILEY: Yeah, I guess Logan would be dumb enough to do something like that. CASSI: Good thing he's in carbonite, or Riley'd be dog-meat by now. SPIKE: Bad tasting dog meat at that. HAN: Good thing the real Dash is dead. I might kill him if he wasn't. LUKE: He wasn't that bad. AUTHOR: Story. SABOR: (makes a request) SPIKE: You dont' have to come. SABOR: (growls an answer) SPIKE: Okay, your funeral. AUTHOR: Spike, I have a bottle of holy water. SPIKE: I'm minding! BUFFY: Count me in, too. SPIKE: I was planning to. Only an idiot would leave the Slayer behind when there's a battle to be fought. BUFFY: Thanks....I think. AUTHOR: Enough. Continue.....wait. Never mind. The rest is boring. On to Corsair chopping droids up with his lightsaber. CASSI: He has way too much time on his hands. AUTHOR: Okay, all the droids are dead. CORSAIR: (to a vampire aide, who looks nervous) Clean up this mess. AUTHOR: Okay, skip Scott's scene. All that's interesting is that Plato says 'Yee-haw'. CASSI: Too much catnip? AUTHOR: Possibly. Now to Spike's team of idiots. BUFFY: Now that wasn't funny. SPIKE: Depends on the way you look at it. BUFFY: (glares) GAMBIT: Do be careful Master Spike. We're awafully close to the top of those trees. SPIKE: Oh really, I hadn't noticed. CASSI: Here's your sign. GAMBIT: Well, there's no need for sarcasm. BUFFY: Any closer, and we'll get green stains on our belly. SPIKE: Tell me about it. He said we'd have to fly low, but I didn't realize he meant this low. Sabor, what's our altitude? SABOR: (lets out a maon) GAMBIT: Oh my. BUFFY: Do I want to know? SPIKE: I dont' think so. RILEY: (over com) You nervous, Spike? SPIKE: Who us? Nah. I thought you said we were going to be flying low, Riley. We're practically in the stratosphere way up here. (off the com) Guess I told him, didn't I? RILEY: (doesn't respond in words, instead, the outrider drops four meters lower) BUFFY: He's crazy. SPIKE: Yeh, but he can fly, you got to hand him that. Give me a little more thrust, Sabor. GAMBIT: Master Spike, what are you doing? SPIKE: I can't let him think he's scared us, can I? GAMBIT: Of course you can. He has. BUFFY: You're crazier than he is! SPIKE: (grins insanely) Yeah. Ain't it grand? BUFFY: I'm going to die. --The Millenium Falcon drops four meters-- SABOR: (makes a comment) GAMBIT: Oh dear. BUFFY: What? GAMBIT: He says that another centimeter and we'll snag the laser cannon. BUFFY: Do you reall y have to outdo Riley? SPIKE: Script says so. BUFFY: You're going to get us killed. SPIKE: Everybody dies sometime, luv. Even us. CASSI: Interesting theory. BUFFY: Yeah, from a guy who has suicidal tendancies. GAMBIT: And we're letting him fly!? AUTHOR: Story! SPIKE: You never heard the story of his family. BUFFY: Should I have? SPIKE: You're dating him, aren't you? SABOR: (yells something) SPIKE: I see it, I see it. --The ship lifts a meter to avoid a particularly tall tree directly in its path-- SPIKE: Riley was at the Imperial Academy, a year or so behind Logan. His family was wealthy and highly placed. Riley's older brother was a freighter pilot, working his way up through the family shipping company. There was an accident. A control system blew out, not the pilot's fault, and the freighter crashed on liftoff from Coruscent Spaceport. Killed the crew, destroyed the ship. BUFFY: Terrible. So? SABOR: (starts to growl) SPIKE: I see it. Do you want to fly? SABOR: (gives an obscene growl) SPIKE: Then be quiet and let me do it. No side-seat drivers please. GAMBIT: This isn't a car. It flies. SPIKE: And your point is? GAMBIT: We're gonna die. SPIKE: Now I know why Logan wanted a break. AUTHOR: You want to be frozen in carbonite, too? SPIKE: Um....no. AUTHOR: Wasn't going to let you anyway. You can't get away that easy. Back to the story! SPIKE: So the building the freighter hit was the Emporer's private museum. You know how Giles is with those antiques of his. So he wasn't happy. He had Riley's family's property siezed then had them banished from Coruscent. That included Riley. They kicked him out of the academy on Carida and off that planet, too. BUFFY: I can see why he wouldn't have any love for the Empire. Why isn't he working for the Alliance. SPIKE: Because he's dumb. AUTHOR: Spike! Holy water in a spray bottle, remember? SPIKE: Got it. He doesn't want to owe anybody, doesn't want anybody to owe him. He works for who- ever pays the most. RILEY: (cuts in) Stop telling her lies, Spike. You don't know anything about my past. SPIKE: Just reading the script. AUTHOR: We get the point. On to Scott. SCOTT: Rogue one, look out! On your port, baring three-oh-five! WAGNER: Sanks, Scott! XAVIER'S VOICE: Use the Farce, Scott. SCOTT: (grins) Targeting sensors off, rear shields off. Reroute more power to the guns. JUBILEE: (makes it plain that she is not pleased with this) SCOTT: Sorry, Jubes, but this way is better. (starts using the Farce) PLATO: Fine shootin', Rogue leader. SCOTT: Thanks, Plato. TUMBLE: More coming in, six blips at one-seven-five. BOBBY: Watch your back, Scott. You've got a tail. --Scott is already ahead of him. He puts his fighter into a down turn, flies an outside loop, and comes in behind the Bow-tie, before blasting it apart-- SPIKE: How come they got all the fun? AUTHOR: Patience is a virtue! CASSI: Not right now, it isn't! OZ: Rogue two, you got a pair of 'em coming in at two-two-four, move it! POUNCE: Boingy, Oz. I owe you one! OZ: Pay me back later. POUNCE: I'm hit, they killed my R2 unit! SCOTT: Break off and return to base, Rogue two! POUNCE: Hey, I can still shoot and I got manual. I'm boingy. AUTHOR: Thanks for giving him catnip, Cassi. CASSI: Only fair. SCOTT: Negative, Pounce. There's too many for that. Take a walk. JUBILEE: (whistles rapidly) SCOTT: Doesn't apply to me. I've got an edge. SPIKE: Cocky, isn't he? BUFFY: Watch out for the tree! SPIKE: I saw it! BUFFY: Will you stop commenting Scott and just fly? SPIKE: But-- AUTHOR: Story! POUNCE: Copy, Rogue leader. Rogue two returning to base. Good luck, guys! I'll put the kettle on for catnip! AUTHOR: Ahem. POUNCE: Okay...tea. WAGNER: Here comes another vave of them. Tvelve blips coming in fast. AUTHOR: Time to go to Angel. SPIKE: What about us? BUFFY: Stop talking and fly before you get us killed! ANGEL: Glad I'm not in that ship. AUTHOR: Story! ANGEL: I only have one line, and that is I'm going to dinner with this blue chick. BUFFY: WHAT!? AUTHOR: Okay, back to Scott. SPIKE: What about us? BUFFY: Spike, I said FLY! Not crash, now shut up! AUTHOR: Scott? SCOTT: Heads up boys, another wave coming in. ALL ROGUES: Copy that, Rogue leader. WAGNER: Uh-oh, I see a couple of Bow-tie interceptors in zis batch. CASSI: What is that, some kind of ribbon? AUTHOR: Possible, hmmm, attack of the dealy ribbon. SCOTT: Not funny. AUTHOR: Now go to Spike. --The Falcon flies past jagged outcroppings of reddish rock that looks like giant fangs. It zips through a three sided tunnel with what seems like very little clearence below and to both sides.-- GAMBIT: I think perhaps one of my circuits is overheating. I really ought to sit down power off. --Gambit doesn't move. Like the others, he seems to be hypnotized by the flight through the canyon-- BUFFY: This is worse then the astroids. --In front of them, the Outrider rolls and twists on its long axis like a screw.-- SPIKE: Oh man, a couple of meters either way, and we're bugs on a canopy, and Riley's doing barrel rolls. He IS bloody insane. SABOR: (growls a comment) SPIKE: I hear that. GAMBIT: Sabor says that Master Riley must be part bird. BUFFY: He may not be able to act well, but he sure can fly. AUTHOR: Okay, Plato, you're dead, and nothing else important happens with the Rogues. Back to the crazys. SPIKE: Me or him? HAN: I hate to quote Ben Kenobi, but who's more foolish, the fool, or the fool who follows him? SPIKE: You got me there. RILEY: Terminator coming up. CASSI: I thought this was Star Wars. Where did Arnold come from? RILEY: (ignores her) And we're---(he trails off as a line of Jawas dance past doing "Dink-Dink" to the "Animaniacs" song) Where did they come from? SPIKE: Uh. BUFFY: Not a clue. CASSI: They missed most of the last spoof. AUTHOR: Maybe they were scared of the vampires and just overcame their fear. SCOTT: They're back? Great, now we're in trouble. And I thought Snowcone Guy was a pain. SPIKE: Guess this happens a lot. RILEY: What was my line? SPIKE: Uh, what was I doing? BUFFY: Spike, pull up before you ram into the canyon wall! --Spike pulls the ship up just in time-- RIELY: Oh, better be careful. Did I mention the canyon dead-ends pretty soon? SPIKE: Just wait, Riely. Next time I see you, I'm gonna punch you in the nose. RILEY: Yeah, you and what army? As soon as you try, you'll be yelling in pain. BUFFY: I'll do it for him! RILEY: Ouch. SPIKE: Great, I have to have a girl protecting me. AUTHOR: At least it's not Harmony. --Stage door opens--Harmony and Anya enter-- AUTHOR: I spoke too soon. HARMONY: What's going on? ANYA: Xander, how come you didn't bring me? AUTHOR: Ditz city. SPIKE: I second that. CASSI: Joy. HARMONY: What are you doing, Spikey? SPIKE: Flying a ship. What does it look like? CASSI: (hands Harmony a yellow "I'm stupid" sign) Here's your sign. HARMONY: (stares at the sign, not understanding) JARETH: Are all the female vampires in that town stupid? ANYA: I'm not a vampire. I used to be a demon, though. BUFFY: All the female vampires. Hmmm.....nope, only the ones involved with Spike. CASSI: That's cause all the women he falls in love with are either ditzes or insane. AUTHOR: (laughs incoherently) SPIKE: Umm, you might be right. RIELY: Hey, wait a minute.....aren't you in love with-- SPIKE: Careful Riley, you might die today. RILEY: Oh right. BUFFY: What's going on? AUTHOR: A spoof, now let's continue. Skip to Spike's group. RILEY: There it is, gead ahead. We'll pass right over that target in......thirty seconds. BUFFY: There it is! There's Fett's ship! RILEY: Been fun people. See you around! SPIKE: Where are you going? RILEY: Hey, you didn't pay me to shoot, only to guide. I'm out'a here! SPIKE: Riley, I'm gonna rip your-- BUFFY: Never mind. We don't need him. SPIKE: REally? SABOR: (points at the sensor screen and growls) GAMBIT: Oh dear. BUFFY: I wish you'd stop saying that. What!? SPIKE: Company. We've got half a dozen Bow-ties on our tail. HARMONY: How pretty. ANYA: I didn't know you had a tail. CASSI: Morons. BUFFY: Is that all? For a hotshot pilot like you, that shouldn't be a problem now, should it? SPIKE: Yeah right. But just for fun, why don't you and Sabor go see if the guns still work? LEIA: Considering that ship's record, that, in itself, would be a miracle. AUTHOR: Back to Scott. WAGNER: Scott? SCOTT: Right, Kurt. Rogue Squadron, this is Rogue leader. Break off your attack, and go to hyper. POUNCE: Great. They have fun after I leave. SCOTT: I mean Hyper-space. POUNCE: Oh, right. AUTHOR: Oaky, Oz's R2 unit goes bizerk and tries to blow up Scott. WILLOW: Oz, be careful! AUTHOR: Oaky, Scott uses the Farce to disable Oz's ship. SCOTT: Kurt, see if you can get a magnetic line on Oz and let's get out of here, fast. WAGNER: Zat's affirmative! OZ: Hey, I'm sorry, Scott, I don't know what happened. SCOTT: Don't worry about it. We'll sort it out later. Right now, we'd better go before the Empire decides we might be worth chasing after all. OZ: Copy that, Scott. WAGNER: Zose Bow-ties are coming back, Scott. SCOTT: Let's move it! HARMONY: How can bow-ties attack? AUTHOR: Ask Spike. They're attacking him. HARMONY: Oh, my Blondie Bear's in trouble. XANDER: Blondie WHAT!? BUFFY: Ewww. SPIKE: Can someone please stake me? AUTHOR: No! You have a spoof to do, now continue! SPIKE: We can't land. If we put down on the deck, we'll get blasted. BUFFY: What are we gonna do? SPIKE: First, kill Harmony. AUTHOR: Ahem. HARMONY: What did I do? BUFFY: You were born without a brain. SPIKE: We can't keep flying around--uh-oh. BUFFY: What? SPIKE: Xander Fett's ship is taking off. ANYA: I thought Xander's last name was Harris. AUTHOR: Somebody gag the bimbo here. XANDER: She can ride with me. (Anya enters Xander's ship before it takes off) BUFFY: Follow it. SPIKE: How? There is a wall of Imperial fighters between us. BUFFY: Go around them. SPIKE: I'll try. GAMBIT: We're gonna DIE!!! HARMONY: Not MY Spikey! SPIKE: I'm not yours! AUTHOR: The Bow-ties are attacking the Falcon more now as they try to go around them. SPIKE: I hope that bootleg shield generator Logan installed holds up. BUFFY: Logan? He doesn't even know the proper names for the tools! SPIKE: I hate to be the one to say this. BUFFY: So don't. SPIKE: I have to. It's in the script. BUFFY: So ad-lib. SPIKE: I've got a bad feeling about this. AUTHOR: Now to Scott. BUFFY: What about us? We're gonna die! AUTHOR: To Scott! WAGNER: (to Oz) You alright? OZ: Yeah, I'm fine. I'd sure like to know what my R2 unit ate for breakfast, though. What could have gotten into it? RILEY: Jedi-phobia? AUTHOR: Butt out, Riley. SCOTT: Why dont' we see if we can find out. Get a coupler on this R2 unit, would you? AUTHOR: (cuts in) Boring! We find out nothing except that the R2 unit was programmed to kill Scott, and that Riley is coming in without Spike's group. Now to Buffy, who's in the gun area. SPIKE: (over comlink) We can't get through! They'll pound us to pieces unless we get out of here. We'd better-- --The comlink shuts off-- BUFFY: Spike? Spike!? Sabor? Gambit, where are you? GAMBIT: Right here, cherie. BUFFY: Go find out what happened to the comm, and see if Spike is alright. SPIKE: Didn't know you cared. BUFFY: I don't, it's in the script. Besides, if you die, who would fly the ship? GAMBIT: Princess Buffy, Master Spike says the comm unit has been damaged. We no longer have internal or external communications. Master Spike says we must leave immediately or we will be destroyed. BUFFY: We can't! What am I saying!? Of course we can! Let's get out of here! (runs to the cockpit) What are you doing? SPIKE: Saving our lives. I used everything in the manual, plus a few I made up, and I couldn't get past those fighters. There were too many of them. It was just a matter of time before they knocked us down. BUFFY: What about Xander Fett? SPIKE: Ran off with his girlfriend, and I lost sight of them. BUFFY: Figures. SPIKE: Our comm is dead, so we can't call Scott and tell him to chase Xander Fett. BUFFY: Maybe we can circle around. SPIKE: He'd be long gone. SABOR: (arrives and asks a question) SPIKE: No. Sorry buddy. SABOR: (growls) SPIKE: Yeah, me too. NOT! But we can't do Logan any good at all if we get ourselves scattered all over the landscape. CASSI: Messy. SPIKE: Listen, we don't even know for sure if Logan's on that ship. Xander may have stashed him some- where. He's probably hidden under a mound of Xander's dirty laundry. CASSI: He's really gonna smell bad if he is. SABOR: (growls a comment) GAMBIT: Sabor is right. Sooner or later, Master Logan will be delivered to Mojo the Hutt. We can always go back to Tatooine and wait. I think that is a good idea. Well, at least we're alive. BUFFY: Spike wasn't alive to start with. AUTHOR: Nope, he doesn't even have a pulse. GAMBIT: Vampires. Who needs them? SPIKE AND ANGEL: Hey! HARMONY: Hay? Don't animals eat that? SPIKE: Will somebody stake her? BUFFY: So tempting. AUTHOR: I might let you, just to keep her airheadedness from affecting my spoof. HARMONY: My Blondie Bear wouldn't let that happen. SPIKE: I'm dying my hair black. CASSI: You could always let the Snowcone guy turn it green again. SPIKE: I don't think so. ANGEL: Blondie Bear? She calls you Blondie Bear? Now that is just sick! AUTHOR: I think we need to go to Scott, who wants to punch Riley. SPIKE: Stand in line. WAGNER: Easy, Scott. SCOTT: You just left them there? RILEY: Hey kid, I was paid to show them where 'Slave 1' was. I showed them. My job was done. If they'd wanted me to do more, they should have contracted it up front. SCOTT: If anything happens to them-- RILEY: What, kid? You gonna shoot me? I didn't make them go there. I was hired as a guide, so I guided, end of story. WAGNER: Don't do it, Scott. It von't help. SCOTT: Maybe not, but it would make me feel better. BOBBY: We've got a ship coming in. No communication, but the scopes say it's a Correllian fighter. SCOTT: Good. It's them. AUTHOR: Okay, the droid's blasted apart, and Lorna, the crew chief, trys to shoot Scott. TEAZER: Wai'. Wasn' she 'is Aun'? She's the one wi' the green 'air. LORNA: Different role, this time. AUTHOR: Okay, Lorna, you're dead....again. Kurt killed you. SCOTT: Well, at least we know who rescaled the droid. I would have liked to know why. MUNKU: It's good to want things. WAGNER: Maybe ve can find out. I'll see vhat the operations computah has on her. SCOTT: Do that. AUTHOR: Okay. The Falcon lands. --Buffy storms out, finds Riley, and decks him, knocking him unconcious-- AUTHOR: Okay, skip a little and Kurt and Spike return from checking up on Lorna. BUFFY: What? WAGNER: Vell, it seems zere was a transfer of ten-sousand credits into her account. Spike managed to access zhe account, using, uh..a borrowed command override code. BUFFY: And? SPIKE: The money came from a dummy corporation, I managed to back-walk it through two more dummy corporations. AUTHOR: And they still haven't thought it might be Angel. BUFFY: That's mean. AUTHOR: Story! BUFFY: You think somebody...Spike, look out! --Spike doesn't move in time and the bucket of black paint lands on his head-- KEVIN: Did someone order black paint? (exits) SPIKE: (fuming) I really don't like that guy. CASSI: Can't help you. He's not the easiest person to get rid of. You shouldn't have insulted him in the last one. AUTHOR: Back to the story. Spike, clean yourself up after we finish this scene. BUFFY: You think somebody paid the chief to rig the droid? SPIKE: Seems awfully coincidental to me, otherwise. BUFFY: It's got Corsair's glove prints all over it. SCOTT: That doesn't make any sense. SPIKE: Why not? SCOTT: He wants me alive. SPIKE: Maybe he changed his mind. There's another thing. The account had a pending file of a credit in it from the same dummy corperation. SCOTT: Meaning? HARMONY: That the dummy was giving more money. SPIKE: You don't have any money to give, Harmony. AUTHOR: Spike, don't be mean. It's not her fault she's a ditz. SPIKE: Sure does bring up a lot of questions. WAGNER: She vas going to shoot Scott, second rule of self defense. Shoot first, ask qvestions latah. BUFFY: What's the first rule? WAGNER: Be somevere else ven zhe shooting stahts. SPIKE: Sounds like a good idea. AUTHOR: Time to go to Angel again. MYSTIQUE: The first attempt on Summers' life has failed. The bribed crew chief is dead. ANGEL: No surprise. We knew the boy was extremely lucky. MYSTIQUE: Or skillfull. ANGEL: Either way, I had some thoughts-- SPIKE: (cuts in) Wow, you actually have thoughts. ANGRL: (ignores him) ...about the matter. Allow our agents to proceed, grease bearings as necessary. Be certain it looks as if they are in the employ of the Empire, linked directly to Corsair. If they get Summers, good. If not, I have another idea that might be even more beneficial to us. MYSTIQUE: As you wish. SPIKE: Can't they mess this up better? ANGEL: You mess it up enough for everyone. SPIKE: I know. I'm so proud. CASSI: We like messing it up. AUTHOR: Yeah, it's a spoof, the more mess ups, the merrier, except on Peanut Gallery members, that is. KEVIN: (enters) Hey, Spike, I need to talk to you. SPIKE: (suspiciously) Why? KEVIN: (whispers in his ear) SPIKE: (grins) You're forgiven. (exits with Kevin) CASSI: I think we should be worried. AUTHOR: My lips are sealed. Angel, you better start acting better. You need to get into character. ANGEL: Fine. This is our only concern. We have a business to run. MYSTIQUE: Where would you like it to run? ANGEL: Huh? AUTHOR: That was wierd. Now skip to the "Corsair" line. ANGEL: The Corsair line. AUTHOR: Watch it, Soul Boy, I have Holy water and I'm not afraid to use it. ANGEL: You told me to mess it up. AUTHOR: Not like that. ANGEL: Before you leave, my blue friend, put a phonecall to Darth Corsair. I would like to see him at his convenience. MYSTIQUE: Yes, my vampire Prince. BUFFY: This is getting sickening. ANGEL: What!? I like it. AUTHOR: You would. ANGEL: That will be all. AUTHOR: Okay, Angel thinks evil thoughts. Now on to Corsair. CORSAIR: (on the phone with Mystique) Very well. Tell your master I will see him. I have business on the Emperor's Skyhook. Have him meet me there in three standard hours. (hangs up) AUTHOR: Okay, you brood for a while. CORSAIR: (to vampire aide) Is my shuttle ready to launch? VAMPIRE: It is, Lord Corsair. CORSAIR: Good. AUTHOR: Okay, go to Scott. SCOTT: Why me? AUTHOR: Because. SCOTT: That was my LINE. AUTHOR: I know. (smiles) BUFFY: Because it's your home world and you're the most familiar with it. Somebody needs to be there to keep an eye out for Xander Fett. You need to practice your Jedi skills, and you need a quiet place to do it. You're the logical choice. SCOTT: That's not fair. JARETH: It never is. SCOTT: Oh, butt out. AUTHOR: Story. Oh, the rest is boring. Go to after Scott exits. BUFFY: (to Riley) Are you available for a job? RILEY: Sweetie, I'm always available if the money's right. BUFFY: I want you to go to Tatooine and keep an eye on Scott. RILEY: Bodyguard? Sure, I can do that. Kid won't like it if he finds out. BUFFY: So stay out of sight. Somebody tried to kill him, and I think they'll try again. How much? RILEY: 50 grand. SPIKE: Man, you are a bandit, aren't you? RILEY: The best don't come cheap, Spike. SPIKE: I know, that's why we should pay less. RILEY: Not a chance. In advance, Slayer. BUFFY: You think so little of me, Riley? Do I look that stupid? SPIKE: Don't answer that. BUFFY: You are so dead, Spike. CASSI: We already knew that. AUTHOR: Buffy! Story! BUFFY: One third in advance, two thirds when we arrive--if he's still alive. RILEY: I can't guarantee that. BUFFY: I thought you were the best. RILEY: I am. Half up front, half when you get there. BUFFY: Alright. SPIKE: Where'd you learn to barter? You suck! BUFFY: Shut up! AUTHOR: He can't. you have to ask him a question. BUFFY: What would be the best way to contact somebody high up in Black Sun? SPIKE: The best way? Don't. BUFFY: Come on, Spike. This is important. SPIKE: Slayer, Black Sun is bad news. You don't want to get into bed with them. BUFFY: I'm not planning on getting in bed with them. I just want to rummage through their wardrobe chest. SPIKE: I don't think his clothes are gonna fit you. BUFFY: I'm not gonna wear his clothes. SPIKE: Then why'd you say that? You're not gonna be sniffing them, are you? RILEY: Course she wouldn't. She's not you. SPIKE: I do NOT sniff Angel's clothes. That's disgusting. RILEY: I was referring to Buffy's. BUFFY: WHAT!? SPIKE: He's lying. AUTHOR: I read somewhere that you did. CASSI: I heard that, too. SPIKE: Don't always believe what you read. BUFFY: Spike, answer me. Is this true? SPIKE: (quietly) No comment. BUFFY: (dryly) No comment means yes. RILEY: Spikey's gonna get it. BUFFY: Shut up, Riley. RILEY: (stunned) XANDER: You tell him, Buffy. AUTHOR: Great. Xander's back. Now story. BUFFY: Somebody just tried to kill Scott. Maybe it was Corsair. Maybe not. Black Sun has a vast spy- net of its own, older, maybe even wider that the Alliance. They can find out who's responsible. SPIKE: What if they are? You know this is a very big mistake. BUFFY: But you have the connections, and can put me in touch with them, right? SPIKE: It's still a bad idea. BUFFY: Spike...? SPIKE: Yeh, I know a few people. BUFFY: Good, where do we find them? AUTHOR: Okay, time to go to the Emperor's Skyhook. SPIKE: The Skyhook? Cool. AUTHOR: Why are you so happy? KEVING: (enters, grins evily, and exits) AUTHOR: Uh... SPIKE: (grins) AUTHOR: Uh-oh. CASSI: Trouble's coming. ANGEL: Can we get on with the story? AUTHOR: Yes, let's continue. ANGEL: Lord Corsair. CORSAIR: Prince Angel. You have something to discuss? ANGEL: (starts to answer, but is atopped as a bucket of green paint is dropped on his head by Spike) KEVIN: You needed to be more in character. (exits) SPIKE: (laughs incoherently) ANGEL: Yuck, this is-- (trails off, and starts scratching at his neck and face) This stuff itches. SPIKE: Snowcone Guy's idea. Itching paint. ANGEL: You are so dead. BUFFY: (takes a look at Angel and laughs incoherently) AUTHOR: Go get cleaned off. ANGEL: (stalks off) AUTHOR: Good one, Spike. CASSI: Explains why he forgave Kevin. AUTHOR: Yep. BUFFY: That was amusing. ANGEL: (screaming from offset) This stuff is OIL BASED!!!!! CASSI: Ewwww. MUNGO: I'll bring the Skin-So-Soft. (goes backstage with a bottle of the smelly stuff) SPIKE: This is the life. CASSI: You like spoofs now. SPIKE: As long as the pranks aren't on me....Yes. AUTHOR: Well, we can't finish this scene with out Angel. (taps foot impatently) MUNGO: (enters) 'E's 'avin' an 'ard toime ge'in' i' off. ANGEL: (returns--his face is a greenish tinge, and is red from scrubbing. His hair is covered in Skin-So- Soft) Spike, you are really gonna get it. SPIKE: I already got it enough times. It was your turn. --Note to the reader...during this part, there was a long break lasting for a few weeks--Technical difficulties: Sorry for the inconvenience-- AUTHOR: Time for the story to continue. SPIKE: Took you long enough. It's been weeks. AUTHOR: Shut up. I've been dealing with things. The only reason I'm writing at all is I felt really guilty for leaving Logan in a block of carbonite and with Xander. XANDER: Oops, I knew I lost something. BUFFY: You lost him? XANDER: I'll find him. CASSI: How the heck do you lose an eight hundred pound block of carbonite? XANDER: It was an accident, I swear! AUTHOR: You'd better find him, we need him for the next one. CASSI: He's probably under a pile of Xander's dirty laundry somewhere. XANDER: I knew there had to be a place I hadn't looked. SPIKE: Be very afraid. JARETH: How bad is he going to smell by the next one? SPIKE: Worse than the Bog of Enternal Skin-So-Soft. JARETH: (makes a face) Yuck. ANGEL: Can we continue? DRUSILLA: Can I play? AUTHOR: Uh...no. SPIKE: Somebody hide me. CASSI: Spike's old owner is back! SPIKE: Not funny. AUTHOR: Story. SCOTT: Where were we? AUTHOR: The Skyhook....I think. ANGEL: Don't remind me. AUTHOR: It's your line, Angel. ANGEL: It is? AUTHOR: Corsair, repeat your line so the idiot here, can remember. CORSAIR: Prince Angel, you had something to discuss? Remember? You called me? ANGEL: Oh yeah, I forgot. AUTHOR: So remember already! We're growing old here! ANGEL: The location of a secret rebel base has come to my attention. I assumed you would want to know this. CORSAIR: Not really, but the script says I do. CASSI: He's honest. SPIKE: I don't want to be in this. CASSI: Who asked you? SPIKE: What does it take? AUTHOR: Well, that made a lot of sense. Now back to the story! CORSAIR: Okay, where are those good-for-nothing rebels hiding? AUTHOR: Nice ad-libbing. ANGEL: In the Bagi Sector--wait...BAGGY Sector?!? Where do they come up with these names? AUTHOR: It's in the book, and I don't think it's pronounced quite like that. ANGEL: Whatever. Out on the rim. CORSAIR: I'll have have my agents check it out. If it is as you (snicker) say, Green Itchy Boy, the Emporer Dress-Guy (more laughter) would be (more laughter) indebted to you. ANGEL: (glares) Merely my duty, Lord Corsair. No thanks are necessary. CASSI: Interesting. AUTHOR: Corsair, you exit. CORSAIR: With pleasure. Bye-bye, Green Boy. ANGEL: I really don't like that guy. AUTHOR: The feeling's mutual, I'm sure. ANGEL: (waves one of his vampire bodyguards over) VAMPIRE: (rolls his eyes) My lord? ANGEL: Find out who's in charge of building the skyhook and offer him twice the credits. He is being paid to come and work on mine. GILES: Hey, that's MY skyhook. AUTHOR: Story! VAMPIRE: (nods and sticks his tongue out as Angel turns his back) AUTHOR: Okay, skip Scott's part, he's just hiding the X-wing. Go on to the idiots. SPIKE: Great, now I'm an idiot. CASSI: How do you know she's talking about you. SPIKE: I actually read some of the script. AUTHOR: Someone read the script? Scary thought. CASSI: Most definitely. AUTHOR: Continue. BUFFY: Rodia? CASSI: Wha? AUTHOR: Shh. SPIKE: Rodia. BUFFY: Why Rodia? That's a long way from here, halfway to Coruscant. SPIKE: I know. HAN: You do not. AUTHOR: Cut it out, Han. SPIKE: But that's where my contact is. Name is....um....what's his name? AUTHOR: Uh, let me check.....um, don't know. I was going to use Alex, but he's busy elsewhere. SPIKE: So who's gonna play him? LANDO: How about the real one? AUTHOR: Tempting, but...no. MUNGO: I'll do i'. AUTHOR: Good, 'cause Greedo was his nephew, and I cloned him, then killed him again. MUNGO: Tha' ugly guy from the fi'st one? AUTHOR: Yep. MUNGO: Ewww. SPIKE: Okay, let's continue. His name is Mungo. He owns a small casino in the gambling complex in Equator City. The complex is run by Black Sun. Mungo will know who to contact. MUNGO: I work for 'im? (points at Angel) AUTHOR: Yep. MUNGO: Wha' a lousy paht. SPIKE: We've already covered the rest of this conversation in the argument. AUTHOR: Okay, let's go to Corsair, who is kneeling before Giles. GILES: I could get used to this. AUTHOR: Story. GILES: Do get up, Lord Corsair. CORSAIR: (stands) GILES: So, have our agents verified this report? CORSAIR: (laughs incoherently) CASSI: Can't let that drees thing go, can he? CORSAIR: I'm fine. They have, Master. SPIKE: Master? That's a sickening thought. AUTHOR: Spike, get back to flying. SPIKE: But we're in hyperspace. AUTHOR: Script! GILES: A hundred Rebel ships? Plus, no doubt, their pilots and officers. CORSAIR: Likely, yes. GILES: Well, you must take part of the fleet, and blow them all up. AUTHOR: Good ad-lib. CASSI: What is it with guys and blowing stuff up? BUFFY: The world may never know. CORSAIR: I thought, perhaps, Admiral Munku might command the expidition. MUNKU: Huh? Hey, I DO get a role! AUTHOR: You do, now follow the script! GILES: Did you now? Send a cat to do a human's job. CORSAIR: Fine, I'll go, you moron. LUKE: Now I KNOW Vader didn't say that one. AUTHOR: Yep, he lived through it. CORSAIR: (begins to choke) AUTHOR: Did I mention Giles could control the Dark side of the Farce? CORSAIR: (gasps) I'm sorry. GILES: (releases him) AUTHOR: To Scott now, who's going to ignite the lightsaber he made. SCOTT: Go back inside. JUBILEE: (lets out a long string of beeps) SCOTT: Go on! If something happens, I'll need you to tell Buffy. AUTHOR: Yeah, tell her Scott, the galexy's biggest idiot, flash-flamed himself into a black crisp because he couldn't follow an elementry circuit diagram. JUBILEE: (lets out an amused beep) LUKE: I don't like this Author. LEIA: Amusing. AUTHOR: Script! Scott ignites the lightsaber, which doesn't blow up....sorry guys. CASSI: Darn. JUBILEE: (chirps a remark) SCOTT: Hey, it works great. I knew it would, you know. JUBILEE: (lets out a sarcastic beep) SCOTT: (glares) Oh shut up, runt. JUBILEE: (lets out an obscene beep) AUTHOR: Let's go to Buffy, Sabor, Spike, and Mungo. MUNGO: I can' read this. 'E talks funny. AUTHOR: Just read it like you see it. MUNGO: Okay. I thee no pwoblemth. Gweedo thouldn' 'ave twied to take Logan alone. 'E wath no' vewy bwigh', moi nephew. Logan ith fwothen, Xavier ith dead, yowah money ith ath good ath anybodyth. SPIKE: What!? CASSI: Huh? AUTHOR: I guess that's how it's written. MUNGO: I don' even know wha' I jus' said. AUTHOR: You said "I see no problems. Greedo shouldn't have tried to take Logan alone. He was not very bright, my nephew. Logan is frozen, Xavier is dead, your money is as good as anybody's." BUFFY: Impressive. AUTHOR: I speak gibberish, therefore I can read it, now keep going. BUFFY: So you will put us in touch with the proper people. MUNGO: 'Ere we go again. Yeth. I' will take a few dayth. Local contac'th won' do you any good. You need an off plane' wepwethen'ative. AUTHOR: That would be, "Yes, it will take a few days. Local contacts won't do you any good, you need an off-planet representative." BUFFY: Glad there's someone here to translate. MUNGO: Meanwhoile, feel fwee to enjoy owah cathino. Woomth will be made available fowah you. BUFFY: I think I understood that. SPIKE: Glad YOU did. AUTHOR: Script! BUFFY: See anything you like? SPIKE: Couple of the card games look as if they might be honest. Place like this in a complex with so many other casinos pretty much has to be on the up and up. House percentage ensures a good profit, and if there aren't a few big winners now and then, the customers go elsewhere. Better stay away from the credit disk machines and the wheeles, though. Those'll be rigged. BUFFY: Don't worry, I don't gamble. SPIKE: (laughs incoherently) BUFFY: Something funny? SPIKE: (regains control of himself) Slayer, you're the biggest gambler I've ever met, but you don't risk money, you risk your life. WILLOW: I'll agree with that one. AUTHOR: Script! Gambit enters. GAMBIT: I hope your meeting went well. SPIKE: Yeh, it did, though I think next time, we bring you to translate. That way, the Author can be spared. Mungo has a little bit of trouble reading his lines. MUNGO: No, I didn'. I jus' read 'em loik I saw 'em. AUTHOR: Okay, skip to gambling. CASSI: Uh-oh. LANDO: Oh boy. HAN: Trouble. SPIKE: Ye-haw. AUTHOR: Okay, Spike is sitting at a table with five other cardplayers. Spike is winning, CASSI: No surprise there. DROID: The bet is fifteen- the sum is minimum, and the color is open. XAVIER: Match, in green. DEMETER: Match, in blue SPIKE: Double, in red. --All players but Spike groan. Spike simply grins.-- GAMBIT: (quietly) I don't understand how he keeps winning. He isn't playing correctly. The odds on the match he just offered are eight hundred and six to one. It would be very difficult to achieve that combination. BUFFY: (whispers) Either he's bluffing, or he's cheating. GAMBIT: That doesn't seem very wise. --Three players, Rufio, Jareth, and Han toss their cards into the retrieval tray.-- RUFIO: Cheap shot. JARETH: What a pity. HAN: This sucks. LANDO: That's why I won't play him anymore. BUFFY: (to Gambit) Sure it is. He's winning, and they are intimidated. Rather than risk losing more, they prefer to drop out. RUFIO: He CHEATS! I'm not playing him anymore! AUTHOR: Script! GAMBIT: But what if the other players has a superior hand and doesn't drop out? BUFFY: Watch. XAVIER: Match. DEMETER: Plus a tenth. SPIKE: Redouble, in red, maximum count. GAMBIT: How rude. I was merely stating the truth-- BUFFY: Be quiet. XAVIER: Too steep for me. DEMETER: (looks at her cards, then back at Spike, who morphs and flashes his fangs--She mutters something under her breath and shoves her cards into the collector) DROID: Round to player number three. SPIKE: (gives Buffy a grin) GAMBIT: I can't believe it. BUFFY: Were you bluffing? SPIKE: (shows her his cards) Nope. RUFIO: Told you he was cheating. JARETH: Figures. GAMBIT: Cheating? DEMETER: Not fair. HAN: So Lando, you taught him to cheat. LANDO: Nope. SPIKE: I didn't cheat. GAMBIT: Impossible. SPIKE: Maybe I used the Farce. LUKE: Not impossible. SPIKE: Shut up. CASSI: He won without cheating? AUTHOR: We'll never know. Time to go to Scott and Jubes. --Jubes fires a crackling beam of electricity at Scott.--Scott, in the grip of the Farce, had already snapped the lightsaber over to block it.-- SCOTT: Too easy. JUBILEE: (whistles) SCOTT: I know, I know, it's not your fault you're no Darth Corsair. AUTHOR: Okay, Scott, you hear a distant drone and turn. --There is a loud zap and Scott jumps a meter and rubs his backside.-- SCOTT: Hey! OW! JUBILEE: (lets out her version of a laugh) SCOTT: I know, I didn't tell you to quit, but you saw me turn and look away. JUBILEE: (says something that sounds derogatory) SCOTT: Yeah well, I'll remember that the next time you need a lube. JUBILEE: (lets out a whistle) AUTHOR: Okay, the noise is getting closer. SCOTT: Maybe we'd better get out of sight. Hide inside, Jubes. JUBILEE: (lets out one more obscene beep before hiding) AUTHOR: Okay, I need biker people to ride speeder bikes. RUFIO: I'll do it! POUNCE: Boingy! YAKKO: Can I join now? AUTHOR: Fine, but only you. Anyway, Rufio, Pounce, Yakko, Oz and Tumble. MURDOC: I'll join. AUTHOR: Everybody wants to kill this guy. MURDOC: Have you seen the reward? MACGYVER: We're in trouble. AUTHOR: How'd you get here? --All point at Cassi, who shrugs-- AUTHOR: Great, okay. Rufio, Pouncie, Yakko, Oz, Tumble, and Murdoc come riding in with blasters! MURDOC: Blow the little runt to Bespin, boys! YAKKO: YEE-HAAAA!!! POUNCE: Boingy!!!! RUFIO: Kill the mutant Jedi!!!! AUTHOR: Okay, one of you has to crash so Scott can use your bike. OZ: I'll do it. AUTHOR: Okay, Oz crashes, Scott gets his bike and Pouncie comes flying at Scott with a huge axe, he aquireed from Murdoc. POUNCE: DIE!!!!! AUTHOR: Pouncie, you're dead. POUNCE: Awww, MAN!!! AUTHOR: So are you, Tumble. TUMBLE: Not boingy. MACGYVER: Now he only has Rufio, Yakko, and Murdoc on his tail. He's dead. AUTHOR: Actually, Luke had twelve going after him. Scott's lucky. BUFFY: That's not right. We have to do it right. I'll join. SPIKE: So will I. ANGEL: Same here. MUNGO: 'Ere I am! TEAZER: No' wif'ou' me!! AUTHOR: Okay, that makes nine, with Murdoc in the lead. MURDOC: This is fun. AUTHOR: Okay, Murdoc sees Scott, and uses hand signals to move his troops. They scatter and re-form in a unit. Scott heads for Beggers Canyon.....okay, Scott makes a quick turn and Bobby, you're dead. You ram into a wall. Eight to go, Scott. SCOTT: I'll just go through that needle rock. ANGEL: I'm right behind you. AUTHOR: Angel, you're dead. The rest are still after him. MURDOC: He's got help! We aren't going to win this one, Spiker, let's burn! SPIKE: That's not my name. MURDOC: That's what the script says. RILEY: I'm back! SPIKE: Oh, I'm really scared. BUFFY: I second that. ANGEL: I'm already dead. This sucks. AUTHOR: Script! The bikers exit. SCOTT: What are you doing here? RILEY: Saving your butt from Swoop scum. SPIKE: HEY! It's BIKER scum, mate! MURDOC: Try ASSASSIN scum, Chip-Boy! SPIKE: CHIP BOY!? If I didn't have this chip, I'd kill you! MACGYVER: That's not possible. He can't die. SPIKE: Why? CASSI: Because he's Murdoc. SCOTT: Script? CASSI: Who died and put you in charge? AUTHOR: SCRIPT! SCOTT: Why are you here? Well? RILEY: Well, here's the thing. Buffy,--she's one hot package, that one--Buffy kind'a wanted me to keep an eye on you until she gets back. SCOTT: She WHAT!? RILEY: Ease up, you'll blow a fuse. No big deal. SCOTT: Listen pal, I don't need a babysitter! RILEY: Oh yeah, you could'a taken all those melloons allo by yourself, right? SPIKE: Not a chance. SCOTT: I wasn't doing so bad. RILEY: No, you're right, you weren't, but you were gonna lose. SCOTT: (glares) Thanks. RILEY: Excuse me, I didn't hear what you said. SCOTT: Don't push it, Riley. RILEY: They don't have tatoos. SCOTT: Huh? CASSI: Wait 'til the next one. Murdoc will. RIELY: The script says they have tatoos. CASSI: We could give Murdoc his early. AUTHOR: What's the universal cure? ALL: Skip it! RILEY: Corsair is no longer your number one admirer. SCOTT: Gross, he never was! Jean is! AUTHOR: Next section! VAMPIRE OFFICER: (nervous) Lord Corsair, we are closing on the Rebel astroid. CASSI: Is it just me, or are the vampires scared of Corsair? VAMPIRE: That guy's a maniac. He hacked apart a bunch of droids. Not only that, but I heard he hacks apart vampires who don't mind, also! SPIKE: Don't ever get that man mad. CORSAIR: (grins) Have Admiral Munku meet me on the bridge. MUNKU: I'm gonna die. AUTHOR: You might live. VAMPIRE: At once, Lord Corsair. AUTHOR: To Giles and Angel. GILES: Ah, Prince Angel, how good to see you again. ANGEL: Sure, you're still mad at me for killing your girlfriend. GILES: Right now, don't make me mad. ANGEL: I'll try. AUTHOR: Script. ANGEL: The pleasure is mine, Emporer. GILES: Do come in. What brings you to my chambers? ANGEL: I was just curious, my master, as to the progress of Lord Corsair's attack upon the rebel shipyard. GILES: This line's irrelevent. I watched that meeting. SPIKE: So skip it. Everyone watched Angel turn green. ANGEL: Don't remind me. My hair's still green. CASSI: Put dye in that paint, did he? SPIKE: That was my idea. ANGEL: Why I oughta'.... AUTHOR: Script! Okay, skip to when Corsair reports in. CORSAIR: My master. GILES: Ah, Lord Corsair. Your report? CORSAIR: The rebels are space dust. GILES: Good, good. SPIKE: Kevin should'a messed up the holovid again. AUTHOR: This is boring. Skip to Angel, who is now looking at a small holo-projection of Buffy. ANGEL: Magnify image, full scale. Move image to floor holoplate. SPIKE: You are a sick man. BUFFY: No, he's obsessive. There's a difference. SPIKE: And that is? BUFFY: Um, not sure. ANGEL: HEY! CASSI: I can see a fight brewing. ANGEL: I-- AUTHOR: Script! ANGEL: So this is Princess Buffy Summers. How interesting. MYSTIQUE: She approached the owner of one of our proteced casinos on Rodia, in the gambling complex, looking to set up a meeting with somebody of stature in Black Sun. ANGEL: Sounds intrigueing. I wonder what she wants. It must be important. Let's see what she wants, shall we? Go find out. MYSTIQUE: (glares) ANGEL: Problem? MYSTIQUE: You like her. AUTHOR: Script. MYSTIQUE: (dryly) The task does not seem particularly challenging. ANGEL: Perhaps not. Still, it is important for another reason. If our intellegence and that of the Empire are both correct, Princess Summers is close to only as few people. one of them is Scott Summers-- MYSTIQUE: (cuts in) So kill her too. ANGEL: She could be of some use. MYSTIQUE: You should kill her. CASSI: Jealousy. BUFFY: She's jealous of me? I can't be with Angel anyway. AUTHOR: Niether can she. MYSTIQUE: That's not fair. JARETH: It never is. AUTHOR: Script! MYSTIQUE: As you wish. (exits, slamming the door behind her) ANGEL: (returns to the holo of Buffy) Computer, rotate image, normal speed. AUTHOR: Okay, Angel thinks perverted thoughts about Buffy, now. BUFFY: Angel thinks WHAT!? SPIKE: She said 'perverted thoughts'. AUTHOR: Script! Sabor's playing a holo-game with Bobby Drake. Buffy's watching, Sabor makes a move. GAMBIT: Very good move, Sabor. Excellent move. BUFFY: What's going on here? I saw Bobby win four in a row against other players who are a lot better than Sabor. GAMBIT: I mentioned what Sabor would do to him if he lost. BOBBY: He said he would rip my arms off. SABOR: (growls an affirmative) AUTHOR: Skip to Mystique, and I need someone to play.....no wait. It's only her killing a bunch of people. Never mind. Skip to Scott and Riley instead. SCOTT: So where is Buffy? RILEY: Gone to Rodia to connect up with Black Sun. SPIKE: I knew he was spying. AUTHOR: Script! SCOTT: Black Sun!? Is ahe out of her mind? RILEY: She's with Spike. That would be a yes. AUTHOR: Script! RILEY: Oh, you're an expert on them, are you? SCOTT: No, but I talked with Logan a lot while we were cooped up on Hoth during the cold stormy nights. He had dealings with them. He said they were more dangerous than the Empire. Why would she want to contact them? RILEY: Angel, maybe? SPIKE: Not maybe. AUTHOR: Script. RILEY: Got me. Maybe they might know who wants you dead. The Slayer is fond of you, though I can't see why. SCOTT: Can I kill him? AUTHOR: No. RILEY: So, what's the drill, kid? SCOTT: I'm older than you. RILEY: I read it, I don't write it. AUTHOR: Script! RILEY: We gonna sit around here and wait for them to come back, or you maybe want to go ask the Hutt why he sent that comedy troop out to zap you? MURDOC: Comedy troop? You are so dead, GI Joe. MACGYVER: Look who's talking. MURDOC: Oh, shut up, MacGyver. AUTHOR: Script! SCOTT: Mojo's got no reason to be after me. CASSI: You being an X Man would of course have nothing to do with it, would it? RILEY: Unless somebody put him up to it. That's why I'm here, remember? Since it's nice and quiet, I could teach you how to fly those swoops right. SCOTT: Listen, they'd have never cought me in Begger's Canyon. JUBILEE: (begins whistleing and beeping frantically) SCOTT: I don't like the sound of that. AUTHOR: Oh, skip this. It's a message droid, they go to see what it is, and then we skip to Angel.... Okay, nothing interesting happens except that Angel is spying on Corsair and Corsair knows about it. So back to Riley, Scott, and the message droid. JUBILEE: (lets out an indignate beep) AUTHOR: Oh yeah, and Jubes, of course. MESSAGE DROID: I have a message for Princess Buffy Summers. (this is the fifth time it has said this) SCOTT: How many times do I have to tell you she isn't here? Jubes, can you talk to this thing? JUBILEE: (whistles and beeps rapidly) DROID: I am empowered to deliver the message to an authorized representative of Princess Buffy, in her absence. SCOTT: Now, we're getting somewhere. Tell me. I'm her...uh...authorized representative. DROID: Password. SCOTT: Uh...Scott Summers. DROID: That password is incorrect. RILEY: (laughs) DROID: Uh...Logan? DROID: That password is incorrect. RILEY: We could be here a real long time while you rattle off all the names you know, Scott. SCOTT: Shut up, will you? I'm thinking. RILEY: Ah well, we wouldn't want to interfere with that, would we? CASSI: Well, that was mean. SCOTT: The script says it's Alderaan. DROID: That password is incorrect. SCOTT: WHAT!? RILEY: Let me try this....Slayer? DROID: That password is incorrect. RILEY: Angel? DROID: That password is incorrect. SCOTT: Um...Giles? DROID: That password is incorrect. RILEY: Stakes? DROID: That password is incorrect. SCOTT: Spike? DROID: That password is incorrect. SPIKE: You suck. DROID: That password is incorrect. SPIKE: That wasn't a password, it was a statement. DROID: Sorry. RILEY: Um...Joyce? DROID: That password is incorrect. SPIKE: You don't really know Buffy, do you? RILEY: Oh, and you can do better? SPIKE: Cheerleading. DROID: Password correct. RILEY: WHAT!? SCOTT: No fair! How? SPIKE: Hello! Something that meant a lot to her, that she had to give up? ANGEL: Unbelievable. BUFFY: This is pathetic. Spike knows me better than both of my ex-boyfriends. CASSI: Says something, doesn't it? It means Spike has been spying on her more than the others have. SPIKE: No comment. AUTHOR: Script. Okay, a holoprojection of Alonzo blinks on. ALONZO: Greetings, Princess Buffy. Alonzo here, speaking to you from my homeworld of Bothawui. Our spy network has uncovered information vital to the Alliance, and the nature of these data are of such significance as to justify sending this message droid. You must come to Bothawui immediately. I cannot overemphasize the importance of this information, or the urgency. Time is of the essence. I will be at the Intergate Trade Mission for five days. The Alliance must act in that time, or the information may be lost. AUTHOR: Okay, message ends. RILEY: Well, well, somebody is in a big hurry. We could just make it to Bothawui before this deadline if I pushed my ship hard. Even that X-Wing crate of yours might do it, though I wouldn't bet on it. SCOTT: We need to get this information to Buffy. RILEY: Not a chance, kid. We can't use the holonet 'cause we don't know where she is, exactly. SCOTT: She's over there. (points to the Peanut Gallery) RILEY: Can somebody hit him? AUTHOR: What, your arm broken? Do it yourself. --Riley tries to hit him, but Scott moves quickly, and uses the Farce to throw him into the wall-- RILEY: Ow. SPIKE: Funny!! Riley got slammed. BUFFY: By One-Eye. ANGEL: That's bad. AUTHOR: Let's skip the end of that. They're gonna go meet Alonzo. Now to Mungo and Buffy. MUNGO: Can I speak English? AUTHOR: Fine. MUNGO: I'm sorry. Black Sun don' 'op when I say so. BUFFY: Okay, tell you what. If somebody dosen't show up here in the next week, we'll try elsewhere. MUNGO: Sui' yourself. BUFFY: (glares and stomps out of his office) MUNGO: Wha's she expec' me to do? 'Ave Angel come 'imself? AUTHOR: Go to Mystique and Angel. ANGEL: Before you do, I have another errand for you. There is a secret document in my personal file. AUTHOR: Skip it. All it is, is Angel's gonna let a top secret file of the Empire fall into Rebel hands, and Mystique doesn't approve, but the Empire does. Don't ask. CASSI: I wasn't going to. AUTHOR: Now to Riley and Scott and Jubes. SCOTT: There's a lot of different types of aliens here RILEY: A lot of spying goes on. Everybody spies on everybody else here. AUTHOR: Okay, to the building. The guard smiles and waves them in. SCOTT: What did you say to him? RILEY: Not much, but that hundred credit coin I gave him said, "Hey, these are good guys--what say you just let them in?" SPIKE: No, it said, "It doesn't matter what kind of guys we are, you are just a hundred credits richer." CASSI: You have a point. SCOTT: You bribed him. RILEY: It worked. People will do anything for money. SPIKE: You can say that again. BUFFY: (gives him a brainduster) AUTHOR: Okay, they run into a droid like Gambit. SPIKE: They're in trouble. GAMBIT: I resent that. DROID: Good morning, how may I assist you? SCOTT: Princess Buffy is supposed to see Alonzo. DROID: You are Princess Buffy. ALL: (incoherent laughter) SCOTT: (glares) No, no, I'm not Princess Buffy. I'm her representative, Scott Summers. We don't have an appointment, but he wants to see her, so he'll want to see us. DROID: I don't believe that is a logical assumption. SCOTT: Look, just tell him we're here, okay? DROID: I'm afraid I cannot admit you without an appointment. Master Alonzo is a very busy Bothen, nor can I bother him with every little thing. Perhaps I can arrange for you to see him in..oh, perhaps a standard week? Your names? RILEY: (points a blaster at the droid) Okay, Goldie. My name is Man With a Blaster About to Cook You. Either you open the door or your busy Bothen is going to have to get himself a new receptionist. DROID: Oh dear. SPIKE: Do they all say that? GAMBIT: No! SPIKE: Sure. AUTHOR: Script! RILEY: And no alarms either. I'm watching you real carefully. Up, and do the door manually. DROID: Very well, Man With a Blaster About to Cook You. SPIKE: Funny. ANGEL: Very. BUFFY: They agree on something? AUTHOR: Miracles do happen. RILEY: Inside. DROID: Master Alonzo, I'm very sorry to interrupt, but-- ALONZO: (cuts it off) It's alright, R04. Go back to your desk. I'll see these gentlemen. DROID: Hardly gentle, sir. They said to me they were Princess Buffy-- ALL: (incoherent laughter) SCOTT: This isn't funny. RILEY: I hate machines. SPIKE: This is great. RILEY: You are so gonna regret that remark. BUFFY: Riley, pick on someone who can hit you back! AUTHOR: YEah, watch it, Riley, or I'll have Magneto deactivate the chip in Spike's head. SPIKE: He can do that? AUTHOR: Yep, now script! SPIKE: Where can I find Magneto? MAGNETO: Magneto is currently unavailable. SPIKE: Rats. YAKKO: Where? MUNKU: In the swamp. Really large ones. AUTHOR: Script! SCOTT: Where were we? CASSI: You said you were Princess Buffy. ALL: (more incoherent laughter) AUTHOR: (leaves set) --Author returns after about seven hours <>-- AUTHOR: I'm baaaack! SPIKE: Where have you been? You just walked out! AUTHOR: I was reading something more important. SPIKE: Figures. CASSI: Watch it, Spike. She could fry you in an instant. SPIKE: How? AUTHOR: Four words. The Fire of Adonai. SPIKE: I'm quiet. AUTHOR: Good, now wake up before we call Abominable. ALL: WE'RE AWAKE! AUTHOR: Good, now where were we? RILEY: Alonzo's line. CASSI: Just after the droid called them... AUTHOR: Cassi.... we really don't need the cast on the floor again. --Maceno and Bombalurina enter, followed by Twiddlenose-- MACENO: How come I wasn't invited? BOMBA: Yeah. PHANTOM: Whoops. TWIDDLE: I smelled you out, Mungo. LUKE: Who are those cats? MUNKU: On no. TUGGER: Trouble. CASSI: Big trouble. AUTHOR: Come on in! The more, the merrier. MACENO: Thanks. BOMBA: Good to be back. TWIDDLE: Wonder what we missed. CASSI: Lots of fights. KEVIN: (enters, grins evily, then exits) MACENO: Who was that? AUTHOR: Snowcone Guy. Be very afraid. Back to the script! ALONZO: Never mind., R04. Put away that hardware, Riley. You don't need it. --Riley and Scott enter Alonzo's inner office and slip and fall on a slime covered floor-- KEVIN: Did someone order Dagobah pond slime? (exits) RILEY: Gross! This stuff has living creatures in it! CASSI: Ewww. LUKE: Lovely. ALONZO: How did he get that in there? SPIKE: Never underestimate the power of the Snowcone Guy. AUTHOR: Script! --Riley and Scott attempt to stand but slip and fall again. Alonzo wisely stays away from the slime-- Author snaps her fingers and the floor is cleaned. Scott and Riley, however, are still covered in the smelly slime. Both get to their feet-- AUTHOR: Now, script! SCOTT: Excuse the way we came in, but we had to see you. ALONZO: You're excused, now get your smelly butts out of here. AUTHOR: Ahem...Cassi? CASSI: (sprays Alonzo with the waterbottle) ALONZO: Yuck! AUTHOR: Script! ALONZO: I know you're Scott Summers, and you're Riley. I've been expecting you. Please take a seat. RILEY: Wait, that means we DID have an appointment! AUTHOR: Hey, get it right! RILEY: That spray bottle ain't gonna do anything to me! You can't do anything to me! AUTHOR: Jareth, could you please give our friend bunny ears? JARETH: With pleasure. --Bunny ears appear on Riley's head-- RILEY: WHAT!? LUKE: Poor soul. CASSI: HEY!!! ABOMINABLE!! WE FOUND YOUR BUNNY RABBIT!!!!! ABOMINABLE: D'oh, George, where have you been? You should not be hiding from me. (carries Riley away) RILEY: HELP!!!! ALL: (incoherent laughter) AUTHOR: Now that that's done with, I need a replacement for Riley. XANDER: I'll do it! AUTHOR: You can't. You're Fett. Somebody else. MURDOC: I'll do it. AUTHOR: Really? MURDOC: Sure. AUTHOR: Okay, on to the script then. CASSI: Good trade. ALONZO: Perhaps, I should explain. I discovered that Princess Buffy was no longer on Tatooine a short time ago, too late to recall the messenger droid I sent. Because you are here, I assume you knew the password she and I agreed upon. SPIKE: They did not! I did! MURDOC: Shut up, Chip-Boy! SPIKE: One more time, and I'm gonna--- AUTHOR: No you won't, oh impotent one. SPIKE: I really don't like you. AUTHOR: And your point is? Back to the script! ALONZO: I know your reputation, Scott, and your work for the Alliance. I also know your reputation, Mr. Murdoc. MACGYVER: Who doesn't, after that last one? CASSI: There may be a few. AUTHOR: Script! ALONZO: Though, I'm surprised to see you working for the Alliance. MURDOC: I'm not. I'm working for the Slayer. ALONZO: Ah well, no matter. You're here, and now we can get to the business at hand. ANGEL: I have a question. Is Murdoc a permanent replacement? CASSI: I doubt Riley will be back any time soon. AUTHOR: Yep, Murdoc's here for the duration of the spoof. BUFFY: I hope Riley has fun. LUKE: If you call utter torture fun. ANGEL: What if Riley comes back. JARETH: He won't. Not until his ears disappear, and that won't be for a while. ANGEL: Oh, somehow I really pity him. AUTHOR: Don't. He walked into it all by his little self. He shouldn't tempt me. Back to the script. SPIKE: Hey, did Murdoc say he was working for the Slayer? AUTHOR: (sounding annoyed) Yes. Why? SPIKE: Is it too late to quit being a vampire? ANGEL: I second that. BUFFY: Oh, come on, he can't be that bad. I'm sure MacGyver was only exaggerating. CASSI: Better leave the flamethrower at home, Murdoc. MURDOC: What about the bazooka, the dynamite, and the plastic explosives? BUFFY: (stares) Okay, so he was serious. XANDER: Where were you when we had to take care of the Judge? AUTHOR: Probably recovering some injury that MacGyver caused. Didn't I say "script"? SPIKE: Yeh. AUTHOR: And does everyone know what that means? GILES: It means the manuscript of a play or motion picture. AUTHOR: Phantom? PHANTOM: (shoots a lightning bolt at Giles, turning him into a small brown cat) GILES: (as a cat) I don't like this. MISTO: Yeah, yeah...Zorro said the same thing. MUNGO: No, 'e 'id, so no one would see 'im. MISTO: Well, he didn't like it. BUFFY: Can he be changed back? AUTHOR: Yes. BUFFY: Good. I don't want to explain this to the Watcher's Counsel. GILES: How about now? AUTHOR: How about minding and maybe later, you'll be changed back? Now get back to the STORY!!!! SPIKE: Yes ma'am! AUTHOR: You're not in this scene. MURDOC: We're getting there. AUTHOR: It's your line, Murdoc. MURDOC: You took kind of a risk letting us barge in here with a blaster that way. We could have been Imperial Assassins in disguise. ALONZO: Not really, no one wants to assassinate an alley cat. AUTHOR: Good point. MACENO: I don't know about that. People have tried to kill me. MUNGO: You've stolen crown jewels an' funny weapon discs from the gove'n men', too. MURDOC: Can I buy those off of you? MACENO: How much? AUTHOR: Excuse me, no buying or selling on my set unless okayed with me. KEVIN: (enters with a cart) Candy bars! Get your candy bars!! Only a quarter! All kinds of money accepted! CASSI: I'll take two Crunch bars! AUTHOR: Two Almond Joys! MURDOC: So he's cleared it already. AUTHOR: No, he's just selling what I'll buy. KEVIN: (exits) SPIKE: Now we can call Kevin the Candybar Guy? AUTHOR: No, Snowcone Guy sticks. CASSI: Snow usually does. SPIKE: So does melted candy. AUTHOR: Script! SPIKE: (looks at his script) So it is. AUTHOR: One more, and you're joining Giles. SPIKE: I'm quiet. SCOTT: What is so important that you sent a message droid to Buffy? And it better not be for grooming tips! SPIKE: Yeh, her hair's enough. AUTHOR: Spike.... SPIKE: Sorry. ALONZO: The Empire has embarked on a new military project. We do not yet know what or where the project is, but we do know it's vast. The Emperor has diverted huge amounts of money, material and men for this secret enterprise. SCOTT: How did you come by this material? ALONZO: U read it in the script. SCOTT: Figures. ALONZO: From what little else we've learned of it, this project does not bode well for the Alliance. SCOTT: I bet. XANDER: The second Death Star! AUTHOR: Excuse me, but we're not supposed to know that until the next spoof. SCOTT: So, what are we supposed to do about it? ALONZO: We have to get one of the secured computers. AUTHOR: That's not your line. ALONZO: I don't understand my real line. AUTHOR: Fine. SCOTT: That sounds reasonable. MURDOC: Excuse me, but why are you so hot to help out the Alliance? I thought the Jellicle spynet's job was to gather and sell information, not to get invloved with strategy and tactics. AUTHOR: Jellicle? ALONZO: That's what I am. AUTHOR: (sighs) Whatever works. ALONZO: Twenty years ago, the Empire had my father executed for---what does espionage mean? AUTHOR: Spying. ALONZO: Thanks. MURDOC: That's one of the risks of this business, isn't it? ALONZO: My father wasn't a spy, he was a teacher. He was guilty of nothing, save trying to educate his students. POUNCE: I'd have arrested him, too. I hate school. SCOTT: When did you go to school? POUNCE: I still go to school. I haven't graduated yet, unlike Munku and Mungo. SCOTT: Cats have school? AUTHOR: Talk about it later. Script now. SCOTT: If the Empire is going to all this trouble, we'd best find out why. How do we get our hands on this computer? ALONZO: Our operators have learned that eh Empire intends to send the plans incognito, on an unescourted ship, carrying fertilizer. MURDOC: A freighter carrying fertilizer? That is devious. Who'd hijack that? SCOTT: I'm not doing this. No way! It has Snowcone Guy's fingerprints all over it! We get that ship, and it really will be fertilizer! AUTHOR: Now why would Kevin do that? SCOTT: Well, I don't know. SPIKE: I do. AUTHOR: Spike! SPIKE: I'm quiet. SCOTT: Well, I guess I'll do it. AUTHOR: Good. SCOTT: Okay, I'm in. What about you, Murdoc? MURDOC: What!? Risk my neck for a load of fertilizer? I'd have to be crazy. SCOTT: I thought you wanted to keep me alive. MURDOC: You aren't worth that much! 'Sides, there isn't anything I can do if you're suicidal. SCOTT: Oh come on, it'll be a piece of cake. JARETH: Somehow, I doubt that. MURDOC: Now, I'm really not going. AUTHOR: You get to blow stuff up. MURDOC: I'm in. When do we start? CASSI: That was a fast change of heart. AUTHOR: Next scene! Emperor's throne room. CORSAIR: I'm not consorting with a feline. GILES: Hey! AUTHOR: Okay, skip it. Next, Scott flies out with twelve Jellicle pilots and Murdoc. POUNCE: Boingy!!!! TUMBLE: Boingy!!! ADMETUS: Boingy! JEMIMA: Boingy! PLATO: Boingy! ASPARAGUS: Me-YOWWWW!!!! TUGGER: Ditto. ETCETERA: Same here. TANTOMILE: We're here, too! CORICOPAT: Yep! SKIMBLE: Can we continue? AUTHOR: Scott, Murdoc, here's your pilots! SCOTT: We're dead. MURDOC: You're the one who said it would be a piece of cake. AUTHOR: Next scene. To Buffy, who's contemplating putting a credit coin into the rigged machine. MUNGO: I jus' go' a com from off plane'. Black Sun's representative is enroute. She will be here in three days. BUFFY: Took her long enough. AUTHOR: Next scene. And since this is taking so long, I may be skipping a scene here and there. SPIKE: Can I suggest? AUTHOR: No, you are still falling in the sewege. SPIKE: Figures. AUTHOR: Okay, skip to the actual hyjacking. SCOTT: Keep it tight, boys. JAMIMA: 'Scuse me? SCOTT: And girls. AUTHOR: Script! SCOTT: Copy--we're there. AUTHOR: Skip ahead, Scott. Action, not talking. SCOTT: Attention aboard the frieghter, Suprosa. This is Commander Summers of the Alliance. Shut down your engines and prepare to be boarded. BOBBY: This is the Captain of this ship. Are you crazy? We're hauling fertilizer here! What kind of pirates are you? SCOTT: Hey Bobby! We're not pirates. You know who we are, and maybe we have a really big garden! BOBBY: No--serious, Scott--We really ARE haulin' fertilizer! Snowcone Guy already held us up. Him a bunch of X-Babies, and some wack-job that threatened to rip out my throat. SPIKE: Kevin's working with Dru, now? AUTHOR: Huh? CYKE: You wouldn't let us join. Dru'th with uth! AUTHOR: Okay, whatever. End scene...not important! ALONZO: What about the computer? AUTHOR: Kevin? KEVIN: It's on Bothowui. (exits) AUTHOR: Thankyou. Next scene. BUFFY: Tell her to meet us at the next chance. MUNGO: Will do. AUTHOR: Buffy, go tell the others. BUFFY: Where are the others? AUTHOR: Uh....not sure. They're not where they're supposed to be. GAMBIT: (rather loudly) Sacre BLEU! How do you do it? AUTHOR: I think we found them. --Gambit is seated at a table with Spike, Sabor, Chewie, Lando, Luke, and Yakko Warner.-- YAKKO: Not telling. SPIKE: Oh, sod off! You're cheating! CASSI: Spike's losing. AUTHOR: To Yakko? HAN: He said he could beat us all. AUTHOR: What did he win? HAN: Lots of money. LANDO: A few ships, couple of planets. SPIKE: (grumbles) LANDO: He lost Cloud City. WAKKO: Faboo! (loud belch) DOT: Ewww. CASSI: Good one. What do you do for an encore? WAKKO: (gives a three minute long belch) LEIA: That's gross. SARAH: Does he do this often? DOT: Unfortunately. CASSI: So the Warners own Cloud City? You're in trouble. AUTHOR: Hey everybody! Story! --All card players throw their cards down and go to their places--Except Yakko, who dumps his winnings in a large bag, and hurries off set.-- AUTHOR: Okay, Spike--you get to meet Buffy, Gambit, and Sabor at the door with a blaster. BUFFY: Everything set? SPIKE: Course it is, luv. I'll be behind the bedroom door. CASSI: Interesting. SPIKE: It's in the script! BUFFY: There is nothing going on between us! Why does everyone think that? AUTHOR: Script! BUFFY: Good. Sabor, you've got the hall, and Gambit, you stand over there, next to the door. AUTHOR: Buffy, take a seat at the desk. BUFFY: I'm getting there. (sits down) SABOR: (gives a call from the hallway) BUFFY: Send her in! AUTHOR: End scene! Next! Alonzo, Murdoc, you're up! ALONZO: (now has the small laptop computer) MURDOC: (is sitting across the room, cleaning his assult rifle) SCOTT: Can you access the program? ALONZO: I'm a cat. Besides, I flunked computer science. We'll transport it to Kothlis, and get Munku to mees with it. He's a real genius when it comes to computers. CASSI: There's a surprise. SCOTT: I'd like to go along. ALONZO: Of course. SCOTT: Murdoc. MURDOC: (doesn't answer. He's too busy checking the sights on his rifle) SCOTT: MURDOC! MURDOC: Huh? SCOTT: Is this in the script? AUTHOR: Actually, sort of. Dash was kind'a in shock, but since we skipped that, it doesn't matter. MURDOC: Why was Dash in shock? AUTHOR: He messed up and someone died. MURDOC: So? AUTHOR: Ooops, sorry, you can't relate. SCOTT: So what do we do? AUTHOR: You send Murdoc to Spike and Buffy. MURDOC: Hey! That's where all the fun is! AUTHOR: Wait until you get shot. Then you get blown up. MURDOC: Been there, done that, bought the tee-shirt. MACGYVER: What were you, trying to scare him? That's not the way. AUTHOR: Script! POUNCE: I'm bored! AUTHOR: So? Do I care? POUNCE: No, I just had to state my case. AUTHOR: Go away, and maybe you'll get catnip later. POUNCE: Okay. (bounces away) AUTHOR: Now script! Mystique, you're up. MYSTIQUE: How may we not help you, Slayer? AUTHOR: I heard that! MYSTIQUE: So? AUTHOR: (groans) BUFFY: I understand that Black Sun had first-rate intelligence, but since they sent you, I must have been wrong. CASSI: Ouch. SPIKE: I can see a fight. MYSTIQUE: Yes, well, I heard the Alliance leaders were as strong as oxen, but they never said you looked like one. RUFIO: Come on, hit her back! CASSI: Insult war! BUFFY: At least I don't have to change my face to look better. MYSTIQUE: I don't spend my nights in cemeteries, looking for dates, either. BUFFY: At least my dates have better taste in women! RUFIO: These are NOT insults. CASSI: No kiddin'. MYSTIQUE: (starts to speak, but is cut off by Sabor) SABOR: Shut up, Mystique. Your insults are pointless. If it weren't for the fact that you can change your form, you'd have been kicked off the planet a long time ago. You're not even good in bed! You don't take care of your children, as a matter of fact, they usually hate you. SPIKE: She actually slept with that? (points at Sabor) Ewww. BUFFY: I might add that my taste in men is better. AUTHOR: Script! In fact, skip to after Mystique leaves. BUFFY: What do you think? SPIKE: She's a smooth piece of work. You could stack ice cubes on her head, and they wouldn't melt. Un-armed, and with that outfit, I doubt she could hide something, and she's not attractive. I'm not really into blue skin. BUFFY: (nods in agreement) Gambit? GAMBIT: She comes from Earth. I already know this. AUTHOR: So skip it. SABOR: (makes a comment on Wookiee) GAMBIT: Sabor says she's very annoying. SPIKE: He didn't say 'very', just plain annoying. GAMBIT: Excuse me, I inferred the modifier from his tone. Wookiee speak allows for such shadings. SPIKE: Are you saying my Wookieespeak is bad? BUFFY: Don't start. AUTHOR: Next scene. Angel, you and Mystique are up. Angel's watching a video of the conversation. ANGEL: So, what did you think of her? MYSTIQUE: She's a vapid ditz. AUTHOR: That's not in the script. SPIKE: So? It's true. BUFFY: (decks Spike) AUTHOR: Script! MYSTIQUE: Fine, she's adept at meaningless small talk, as befits a skilled diplomat. She revealed nothing of what she wanted, except that she insn't very intelligent. She is ugly and unappealing. ANGEL: You forget that I dated her and I'm still in love with her. MYSTIQUE: (glares, and stomps out--in the hallway, she screams, then steps back into the room) ANGEL: Your suggestion? MYSTIQUE: (grins) Kill her, kill her mutant Wookiee companion, and the vampire gambler. Wipe the droid's mind, and melt it down, and eliminate Mungojerrie as well, just to be sure. CASSI: You're a bitter little person, aren't you? MUNGO: I don' loik 'er. WAGNER: You're telling me? She's my mozher, and she tried to kill me! AUTHOR: Script! ANGEL: I think not. Go back and meet with her again. We should find out how much she knows, and to whom she has told it, if anybody. MYSTIQUE: I can get that information before I terminate her. ANGEL: No, I would rather get that information in person. I want you to bring her to me. MYSTIQUE: (glares) ANGEL: Go ahead, speak your mind. MYSTIQUE: You're attracted to this woman in a romantic way. SPIKE: Da-uh! ANGEL: So? MYSTIQUE: Such attractions have been known to cloud the minds of otherwise rational beings. ANGEL: Very funny. Is that her line? AUTHOR: Yep. ANGEL: I don't want to read mine. AUTHOR: Holy water? ANGEL: Princess Buffy will surely be useful in locating Summers, one way or another. After that, then you can dispose of her. BUFFY: Like to see her try. SPIKE: Buffy's gonna kick that bloody blue lady's arse. AUTHOR: Script. MYSTIQUE: I'll take care of her alright. ANGEL: Go. MYSTIQUE: (stomps out) AUTHOR: Okay, skip Scott's next scene. He's only just made it to Kothleis. Skip Corsair's, too. He's only scaring more vampires by slashing apart dueling droids.....um....go to Angel and Giles. ANGEL: I am not being afraid of a cat. GILES: Can I be changed back yet? AUTHOR: Nope, scene's not really important....next scene. Skip installing the Bioscan unit. Murdoc has just arrived. BUFFY: Is Scott okay? MURDOC: Yeah, he's fine. BUFFY: Why are you here? You're supposed to be guarding him. CASSI: Actually, was't he the one on the speeder bike trying to kill him? You paid RILEY to guard him, not Murdoc. MURDOC: She does have a point there. AUTHOR: Yes, but pretend Murdoc is Riley now. ALL: (look at Murdoc, who looks very insulted) SPIKE: Hate to say it, but, luv? There IS no comparing them together. Murdoc cannot POSSIBLY be Riley. AUTHOR: Just pretend it was Murdoc the whole time, and Riley was the other guy. ALL: (look at each other, and shrug) BUFFY: Um....yeah, okay, whatever. You're still supposed to be guarding him. MURDOC: He's fine. He has the Farce, remember? He doesn't need my help. SPIKE: Yeh, if the real one's still alive, Scott will be fine. LUKE: Very funny. MURDOC: Well, what's going on? BUFFY: Get in the speeder. We'll tell you on the way. AUTHOR: Next scene. Scott and Alonzo, skip to the house. ALONZO: This way. Not much to see, I'm afraid, unless you're an expert in this, the information looks to be pretty much a bunch of numbers and letters. SCOTT: What do they mean? ALONZO: You got me, I'm an alley cat. What I know about programming you could inscribe on adamantium with a dull sword. SCOTT: That little, huh? MUNKU: Hey, hey hey! Look at this, boys! "Scan Sector Tarp-Hard-Xenon." ETCETERA: Wow. DEMETER: Oh, I can't believe it! SPIKE: What? What is it? --Before anyone can answer, the door explodes inward and somebody comes in, shouting.-- AUTHOR: Next scene. You have to give Mystique a smile! BUFFY: Care for some refreshment? MYSTIQUE: Not on your life. It's probably poisoned. AUTHOR: Only drugged, and it's not supposed to work on you anyway. BUFFY: I trust your business went well? MYSTIQUE: It did. AUTHOR: Next scene, back to Scott. --Scott is standing, his lightsaber out, effortlessly blocking the blaster bolts. He is also firing optic blasts, using the Farce to guide them. Everyone else has already made it out of the room.-- LUKE: That's not what happened. AUTHOR: You're right. Had Scott have been there when you did it, no one would have been hurt. ALONZO: (shouts from the back door) Too many of them! This way, come on! SCOTT: (hurries after them) AUTHOR: Next scene! Back to Mystique and Buffy. MYSTIQUE: Alright, Buffy Summers, I think this has gone on long enough. BUFFY: Excuse me? MYSTIQUE: (holds a ceramic mug up, and squeezes it, causing it to shatter) I can do that to your head if I wish. you probably have a weapon hidden somewhere, but I warn you, I am much faster then you, and if you attempt to reach for it, I can get to you, first. BUFFY: Somehow, I doubt that. You've never delt with a Slayer. Now what do you want? MYSTIQUE: You dead, but my master has other plans. He wants you to come with me. AUTHOR: That's not what was said. BUFFY: Where are we going? MYSTIQUE: You don't have to concern yourself with that. Just do as you're told, and you will survive the trip to get there. BUFFY: I don't think so. Whoever or whatever you are, I bet you aren't faster than a blaster-bolt. Spike? Murdoc? --The door slides open. Spike steps in with a blaster aimed at Mystique. Murdoc has his flamethrower in his hands and his "maniac" grin on his face. The door to the hall slides open and Sabor comes in, holding up a cross-bow-- MYSTIQUE: You could be wrong. BUFFY: Could be, but you'd have to be real fast to avoid a blaster, a cross-bow, and a flamethrower. MYSTIQUE: (glances around) You have the advantage, it would seem. What do you propose? MURDOC: (disapointed) And I was hoping she'd try, so I could blow up the couch underneath her. MYSTIQUE: (quickly glances under the couch she's sitting on. She sits back up and pales) CASSI: He rigged the COUCH!? MACGYVER: Well, Murdoc hasn't changed at all. BUFFY: Explains why vampires are scared of him. AUTHOR: Next scene! Okay, let's just skip that one. Alonzo, you're dead. Scott, you've been captured by bounty hunters. SCOTT: Oh, that's just wonderful. Thanks for telling me. AUTHOR: Next scene, back to Spike's team of maniacs. SABOR: (makes a comment) SPIKE: Sabor doesn't think this is a very good idea. I agree with him. BUFFY: Look, I know you owe to Logan and you want to take care of me, but we need to do this. MURDOC: You're going to waltz into the heart of the Empire, just like that? Sounds like fun. BUFFY: I'm the Slayer, and when Giles isn't around, I do whatever I want. AUTHOR: I give up. SABOR: (growls) GAMBIT: Sabor says he's coming. BUFFY: Fine by me. Spike, you and Murdoc go find Scott. MYSTIQUE: And of course you'll bring me, because you already know I work for Prince Angel. So you're gonna go because he knows about the ones after Scott. Okay, I said it, now END THIS SCENE AND GET ME AWAY FROM THESE MANIACS WITH THIER EXPLOSIVES!!!! THAT MAN IS INSANE!!!!!! MURDOC: I am NOT insane. I'm just very very determined. CASSI: However you wanna put it. AUTHOR: End scene. The people who have Scott tell him the bounty on him for being alive is higher, and since it's enough to buy half a city, Scott ain't gonna buy his way out. Of, course, they also tell him it's not personal. SCOTT: I'll take it personal. AUTHOR: Misto, please change Giles back for this. He has a scene. MISTO: (shoots two lightning bolts at Giles, turning him, firs, into a cat-human, and then back into a human) CORSAIR: (enters the throne-room, and drops to one knee) My Master. GILES: Rise, Corsair. You will go to Kothlis and collect young Summers. CORSAIR: I have already sent my agents for him. GILES: Agents are not to be trusted. Summers grows stronger in the Farce each day. I remind you that he has, within him, the power to destroy us. Only you are potent enough to capture him. CORSAIR: Yes, my Master. AUTHOR: The rest is boriong. Giles tells him to make an attempt to recover the plans, so it looks like they're important. Next scene! MYSTIQUE: They will check for contraband at customs. Black Sun has contacts there, but we can not make it to obvious that you are under our protection. Time to go change. SABOR: (makes a rude comment) BUFFY: You wanted to come along. SABOR: (stomps off) MYSTIQUE: (hands Buffy some clothes and a full-head muzzle-mask helmet) Here, put these on. They belonged to Boushh, an Ubese bounty hunter. Boushh was quite good at the trade. He did a lot of contract work for Black Sun. He.....retired recently. BUFFY: I don't speak Ubese. I've never even heard of the language. AUTHOR: Your words are in the script, or just speak English, I don't care. BUFFY: What happened to this Boushh? He retired? MYSTIQUE: Quite suddenly. He tried to Rascal...oh, who really cares? I killed him, and he's dead. End of story. SABOR: (returns--his yellow-brown fur now has patches of black. A raccoon-like mask, and the hair on his head has been trimmed to a short spacers cut) MYSTIQUE: Meet Snoova, a well known Wookiee bounty hunter. SABOR: (growls an obscene comment) AUTHOR: Oh, be quiet, Sabor. I'm bored with this. Buffy's mask alters her voice so it sounds like an alien, okay? Anyway, they'relanding and we're going to someone else. Skip Scott's small conversation with his guard. Skip Buffy and Sabor entering Coruscent. Skip Corsair on Executer. Skip Scott using the Farce to get the guard to open the door. Skip next scene with Buffy and Sabor, no talking anyway. Skip Corsair, he's still in hyperspace. Skip Scott getting caught retrieving his lightsaber. Skip scene between Buffy and her contact. Okay, Scott, you're up. I need someone to play the Nikto. HAN: How about the real one? AUTHOR: Okay. --The Nikto fires a shot at Scott, who ricochets the red bolt, so it hits him in the foot. The Nikto grabs his foot and starts swearing-- SCOTT: These guys are more adept at swearing then they are at shooting. HAN: That's why I suggested the real one. AUTHOR: Okay, Buffy, your scene. MYSTIQUE: It took you longer then expected. BUFFY: We stopped to see the sights. MYSTIQUE: (glares) Follow me. AUTHOR: Next scene, Scott is blocking blaster bolts from vampire and alien bounty hunters. VAMPIRE: Look out, you fool! ALIEN: There he is! Get him! VAMPIRE: Watch it, watch it! ALIEN: I'm hit! --A wall explodes ahead of him, and to his left-- SCOTT: What? SPIKE: Scott? SCOTT: Spike? Over here! --Vampire and alien bounty hunters start firing as Spike shoots at them, with a blaster.-- VAMPIRE: Regroup! We're under attack! SPIKE: Like shooting snakes in a shoebox. You call for a cab? SCOTT: Me? What makes you think I want to leave? I'm having fun here. --Scott pivots and chops a blaster in half. The owner drops it and flees-- SPIKE: Yeah right, I'm sure you are. This way! --He leads the way, firing his blaster as Scott follows, blocking shots from behind-- SPIKE: I've got a ...uh, borrowed land-speeder parked over there. (pauses to fire at the building) What say we go for a ride? The Falcon's in the middle of a public park, five minutes away. I left Gambit watching it. SCOTT: Gambit? Where are Buffy and Sabor? SPIKE: That's a long story. Better we get back to the ship before I tell it. SCOTT: How'd you find me? SPIKE: I read the script and confirmed it with Murdoc. Can we go now, and ask questions later? SCOTT: Good idea. --They both hurry out of sight-- AUTHOR: Next scene on the Falcon. GAMBIT: It's so good to see you are all right, Master Scott. SCOTT: Good to see you too, Gambit. Been awhile, hasn't it? GAMBIT: Yep. SPIKE: Move it, Scott. Not only do we have the bounty hunters to worry about, but there's an Imperial convoy heading this way. They've just dropped out of hyperspace and into the system. SCOTT: Yeah? Anybody we know? SPIKE: I didn't get close enough to read the nameplates, but the lead ship is a Star Destroyer. SCOTT: Victory Class? SPIKE: Bigger than that. SCOTT: Imperial Class? SPIKE: Try again. SCOTT: No! SPIKE: Yep, Super Class. SCOTT: Is it....Executor? SPIKE: Like I said, I didn't get close, but how many of those are there? They don't crank those babies out for fun. SCOTT: We're in trouble. SPIKE: Let's finish the flight chech fast. I don't want to stick around here that long. SCOTT: I heard that. Wait, Jubes is in my X-Wing. SPIKE: We'll pick it up with the tractor beam and stow it in the hull clips. Then we're out'a here. SCOTT: Where are we going? SPIKE: Buffy said Tatooine, but the script says we go after her. AUTHOR: End scene. Corsair, you enter and you're not pleased. CORSAIR: Bring me the highest ranking survivor. VAMPIRE COMMANDER: At once, my Lord. --Two troopers emerge, dragging a vampire between them-- CORSAIR: Do you know who I am? VAMPIRE: Yes, Lord Corsair. CORSAIR: Good, where is Summers? VAMPIRE: H-H-He escaped. CORSAIR: (clenches his fist) VAMPIRE: (claws at his throat, then he is released--) CORSAIR: I know he escaped, fool. VAMPIRE: I was asleep, my Lord. I awoke to blaster fire. I left my quarters and saw Summers in the hall. It didn't seem real. A dozen of us shot st him and he waved that lightsaber back and forth and blocked the bolts. CORSAIR: Continue. VAMPIRE: More of our men arrived. We were sure to overcome him, but then, the wall blew in. We were attacked. I couldn't tell haow many there were, fifteen, maybe twenty. SPIKE: Huh?! AUTHOR: Quiet Spike. VAMPIRE: We were outnumbered. When the fighting was over, Summers was gone. CORSAIR: Likely story. I understand that someone else wanted Summers. Who? VAMPIRE: I don't know who, but I have a suspicion. AUTHOR: Cute. These vampires are more scared of you, Corsair, then the real bounty hunters were of Vader. CORSAIR: (to the vampire) Tell me. VAMPIRE: Black Sun. CORSAIR: Alive or dead? VAMPIRE: Dead. CORSAIR: Back to the shuttle. VAMPIRE: Commander, what about this scum? CORSAIR: Leave them, they're worthless. AUTHOR: Scene change. Skip to the hyperspace part. SPIKE: Stand by for the jump into hyperspace. (he hits the controls--nothing happens) LEIA: Hyperdrive again....what a surprise. HAN: Not funny. GAMBIT: Oh dear. There seems to be a problem. CASSI: No! GAMBIT: (glares) SPIKE: It must be one of Logan's modifications. My people supposedly fixed this thing on Bespin! It's not my fault! SCOTT: Fine. What do we do? SPIKE: Hide, before we bump into the Imperial Navy. GAMBIT: Excellent idea. AUTHOR: Okay, Buffy and Sabor are led into the building. Next scene. SCOTT: What's the problem? SPIKE: The problem is that Logan and Sabor have completely reset, rewired, and screwed up this whole ship! I'm looking at a serpent's nest of wires where there is supposed to be a pop-out circuit board! The schematics don't apply to anything here! SCOTT: Well, can you fix it? SPIKE: I'm trying to fix it! Pass me that jumper bypass. SCOTT: (gives him the tool, while Spike mutters in a colorful fashion, that Logan's ancestry was in question and that his personal habits leave much to be desired. SPIKE: Get Jubes to peek over the edge. Maybe she knows what this blue wire is supposed to do. JUBILEE: (whistles and chirps for a minute) SPIKE: YEEEOUCH!!!!! SCOTT: Probably, you'd better not touch that one. SPIKE: Now you tell me. What about this yellow one? JUBILEE: (whistles) SPIKE: Pass me those needle-head pliers. SCOTT: You need me down there to help? I'm pretty good with tools. SPIKE: I used to own this ship. I'll figure out a way around what Logan has done to her. The man ought to be ashamed of himself. SCOTT: I'll mention that to him when we get him out of carbonite. SPIKE: So will I. High, loud and repeatedly. HAN: So Lando, what was that you had to say? LANDO: You heard, and I've mentioned it a couple of times. HAN: Really? What's wrong with my ship? AUTHOR: Script! Skip the corridors. Sabor and Buffy enter Angel's office. ANGEL: Hello, Buffy and Sabor. I'm Angel, but I'm sure you knew that. BUFFY: Good to see you, Angel. AUTHOR: Next scene. SCOTT: How's it going down there? SPIKE: Don't ask. SCOTT: I'm going to see what I can whip up in the galley. You want something? SPIKE: Yeah, how about a beaker full of battery acid and bug poison? SCOTT: (heads toward the galley and stops as if he's been touched by a cold hand)Uh-oh. GAMBIT: What? SCOTT: You'd better get it fixed fast, Spike. SPIKE: What's the hurry? SCOTT: I think we're about to have company. SPIKE: What? No bloody way anybody could find us here. SCOTT: Yeah? Wanna bet? SPIKE: Oh man, don't even say what you're thinkin'. SCOTT: Huh? SPIKE: Don't say, "I've got a bad feeling about this". SCOTT: (stares) SPIKE: I'm hurrying, I'm hurrying. SCOTT: (heads to the cockpit to check the sensors) CASSI: Was that in the script? AUTHOR: Yep, Lando's not as dumb as some. LANDO: Thanks....I think. LUKE: I wasn't gonna say it. I felt Vader. LANDO: Didn't matter. You did have a bad feeling. AUTHOR: Script. Scene change. We want Logan out of cabonite sooner, not later. Angel, you're up. ANGEL: You must be tired from your trip. You should refresh yourself.....change clothes, relax a bit before we delve into serious matters. BUFFY: I don't exactly have my wardrobe with me. ANGEL: Such things are easily remedied. I'll have one of my aides show you to your quarters. There will be clothes for you. I have some pressing business to take care of. Refresh yourself and rejoin me in a couple of hours. BUFFY: Yes, alright. We are a little tired. AUTHOR: Boring! End scene. Skip back to Spike's team. SPIKE: I think that's got it! SCOTT: You THINK!? BUFFY: Doubtful. He IS dead. SPIKE: Very funny, Luv. AUTHOR: Script! SPIKE: Won't know for sure until we engage the drive. GAMBIT: Master Spike, Master Spike! SPIKE: What? GAMBIT: The sensors indicate that a ship is approaching! A very large vessel! An enormous ship! SPIKE: Gee, I wonder who that could be. (gives Scott a look) SCOTT: Oh, come on! It's not my fault! SPIKE: We all know he can find you with the Farce. SCOTT: Well, I hope you fixed the drive. AUTHOR: Next scene. On to Corsair, who can indeed feel Scott...oh wait, this is boring. Skip it. They send bowties out. Skip Buffy, she's only deciding what to wear. Angel's just thinking perverted thoughts again. Next Spike manages to get the hyperdrive fixed before Corsair can get them, Corsair gets mad, because Scott got away, then he pretends to try to get the plans. Okay, Buffy's now wearing a dark bodysuit under a nearly transparent green gress, skip her argument with Sabor over the way she's dressed. XANDER: 'Sides, that's nothing compared to what she'll have to wear in the naxt one. AUTHOR: Next scene. SCOTT: I already know where she is. AUTHOR: Okay, skip that, too. Back to Angel's office. ANGEL: Do come in, Princess. SABOR: (makes a comment) ANGEL: Perhaps your friend would care to take this time to dine while we conduct our negotiations? SABOR: (growls in a tone that says he would not care for that) BUFFY: Sabor, wait outside. SABOR: (growls a protest) BUFFY: Logan would trust me here. You should too. SPIKE: Sod off! Not if he knew the relationship between you and Soul Boy! SABOR: (growls in agreement) AUTHOR: Spike, you're not in this scene. Script! BUFFY: I'll be fine! SABOR: (exits) ANGEL: Something to drink? Luranian brandy? Green champagne? BUFFY: Angel, I'm the Slayer, I can't drink. Tea will be fine though. ANGEL: So the Alliance might be interested in doing business with Black Sun? BUFFY: Uh, yes, we would. We have been considering such an allaince. ANGEL: Well, certainly there are advantages to such a liason. BUFFY: I-we, the Alliance feel that, while Black Sun's aims are not the same as ours, the Empire is our mutual enemy. ANGEL: Yes, war does make strange bedfellows, doesn't it? AUTHOR: Skip Corsair's scene, and Buffy and Angel continue. ANGEL: (leans forward and kisses Buffy, who eagerly returns the kiss) AUTHOR: Uh, Buffy? You're supposed to pull away. CASSI: Maybe they're stuck. SPIKE: (stomps in and pulls them apart) SCRIPT! BUFFY: No, this isn't right! I came to talk about Scott Summers. ANGEL: In due course. We have more important things to do first. (he leans forward and kisses her again) SPIKE: Not again... AUTHOR: Out'a here, Spike. Sabor breaks them up this time. Sabor? SABOR: (begins banging on the door and yelling) BUFFY: I'd better see what he wants. ANGEL: Stay, I'll get rid of him. BUFFY: NO! I'll do it! ANGEL: As you wish. BUFFY: (opens the door) SABOR: (growls) BUFFY: I'm in the middle of a...um, delicate discussion, here. Can't it wait? SABOR: (growls and rants some more) HAN: Thankyou, Chewie. I can't stand the thought of her kissing Xizor. CHEWIE: (makes a comment) AUTHOR: Script! BUFFY: He seems upset--maybe I'd better go out and see what he wants. ANGEL: As you like. I'll be here for a while longer. --Buffy and Sabor exit Angel's room-- BUFFY: This had better be good. SABOR: (grabs her and drags her down the hall) BUFFY: Let me go, you overgrown stuffed toy! SABOR: Be quiet! BUFFY: Why? SABOR: (points at a small microphone inserted into the ceiling) BUFFY: Someone listening? SABOR: (nods) BUFFY: Are we being watched too? SABOR: (shakes his head) AUTHOR: Okay, Buffy, you finally figure out who it is that wants Scott dead. BUFFY: I know already. AUTHOR: So why were you kissing him? You wanna turn him into Angelus? BUFFY: Alright, already. I get the point. AUTHOR: Script! BUFFY: I think maybe we'd better consider an alternate plan. Sabor, here's what you should do..... AUTHOR: Next scene...um, skip it, skip Corsair and Giles' argument about whether Angel wants him dead, and all Warners and X-Babies out of here until the end of the next scene. CASSI: That bad? AUTHOR: Just at what almost happens. SPIKE: Almost good. AUTHOR: And this is Buffy. SPIKE: She's not stupid. AUTHOR: You're right, she's supposed to use her anger to shield against her attraction to him. SCOTT: Hey, she's using the Dark Side! LUKE: (gives Leia a Look) LEIA: I didn't know, besides, it worked, didn't it? BUFFY: (reenters the room) ANGEL: Come back and sit here next to me. BUFFY: Let me make myself some tea first. I seem to have gotten rather warm and thirsty. ANGEL: Come here. BUFFY: (sets her tea down and starts toward him) ANGEL: You said you were warm. Why don't you remove your clothes and get more comfortable? SPIKE: NO! AUTHOR: Spike, fly the ship! SCOTT: Before you get us killed. AUTHOR: Script! BUFFY: I've gotten a little cooler. ANGEL: Take them off, anyway. It would please me. You want to please me, don't you? SPIKE: Of course not. We don't need Angelus back. --Buffy stops, lifts one foot and removes her slipper. She smiles at Angel and tosses it aside, then puts her bare foot down and lifts the opposite foot, tuggs the second slipper off and drops it-- XANDER: This may take a while. She's wearing a couple of layers of clothing. AUTHOR: That's the point. She's stallin', so Sabor can get away. BUFFY: (reaches up and touches the fastener of her dress, wiggles it, twists it, and frowns) ANGEL: What are you doing? BUFFY: It's stuck. ANGEL: Come here, I'll do it. BUFFY: Wait, there it is. (she unsnaps the fastener. She is still fully dressed in the bodysuit, delaying, as she slowly drops the tranparent dress to the floor) ANGEL: Now the rest of it. BUFFY: I don't think so. ANGEL: WHAT!? SPIKE: You hard of hearing? She said NO! BUFFY: It isn't proper to remove one's clothes in front of a stranger. ANGEL: (moves toward her, grabs her shoulder and shakes her, he bends to kiss her) BUFFY: (slams her knee up between his legs, hard) ANGEL: (groans and shoves her away) So you resist me. BUFFY: You got that right. ANGEL: You don't like me anymore. BUFFY: Just following the script. (grins) SPIKE: You tell 'im, Buffy! AUTHOR: Script! ANGEL: Was it something the mutant wookiee said? BUFFY: Sometimes Wookiees are very smart, and always loyal. ANGEL: Ah, here is the drawback to bright and strong women: sometimes they are bright and strong when you least want them to be. I am pleased that you are a worthy adversary. Mystique? MYSTIQUE: (re-enters, grinning) ANGEL: It seems you were right. Take her to her room and lock her in. (to Buffy) You and I will continue this discussion later. Sooner or later, I believe you'll find I'm not such bad company. BUFFY: Don't bet on it. AUTHOR: Scene change. Skip the next scene, it's boring and the next scene....on to Spike and Scott!~ SCOTT: Look, i trust the Farce and it's telling me Buffy's in danger. So let's just put in a call and check okay? SPIKE: Can't it wait until I get to Tatooine? SCOTT: No! SPIKE: All right, but you remember I did this. You owe me one. (he drops the Falcon out of hyperspace) SCOTT: How do we call? SPIKE: I've got a little surprise for you. Logan isn't the only one who can rig the Falcon. SCOTT: What do you mean? SPIKE: (puts the ship on automatic control and leads Scott to the cargo hold. He points to a devise mounted on the wall) HAN: I wondered where that came from. LANDO: (sticks his tongue out at him) AUTHOR: Script! SCOTT: That looks like a comm unit. SPIKE: Bright boy. Go ahead, make your call. SCOTT: (punches in relay codes and ends up with a recorded computer response) Do we have the 'play message' code? SPIKE: (types it in) --The image of Sabor with a bad haircut appears, and he is yelling-- SCOTT: Sabor? SPIKE: WHAT!? SCOTT: What is it? SPIKE: Oh, no. SCOTT: Spike! SPIKE: Buffy is being held on Coruscent by Black Sun. They tried to kill Sabor, but he managed to escape. The Slayer made him go, it wasn't his idea--(the message ends abruptly) SCOTT: What happened? SPIKE: I dunno. My codes just went blank. Somebody must have reported the override's theft. SCOTT: Let's go. SPIKE: To Tatooine, right? SCOTT: Wrong, like you really wanted to leave Buffy with Angel. SPIKE: Just reading my script. We can't go to Coruscent, it's too dangerous. SCOTT: You can stay here if you want. SPIKE: And let you get all the credit? Not bloody likely. AUTHOR: Skip next scene. Spike and Scott make it to Coruscent. Skip Corsair's scene and go on to the next scene. GAMBIT: I really don't think this is a good idea, Master Scott. I believe it would be better if Jubes and I went with you and Master Spike. SCOTT: Look, you'll be fine here, on the ship. We need you here in case we need help. Besides, it'll be a lot more dangerous out there, then in here. GAMBIT: Ah, well, in that case, perhaps we should stay here. JUBILEE: (chirps) GAMBIT: No, you heard him. He needs us on the ship in case anything goes wrong. SPIKE: Wrong? What could possibly go wrong? Just because we've got huge rewards posted every- where in the galexy for us, dead or alive, and we've plunked ourselves down smack dab in the black and evil heart of the Empire? SCOTT: Come on, where would be the last place you'd look for us if you were an Imperial operative or a bounty hunter? SPIKE: Yeah, I guess you're right. They'd figure nobody would be that stupid. Lucky for us, they don't know we are that stupid. ANGEL: No arguments here. AUTHOR: Script! CASSI: Why? We like hearing how stupid they are. AUTHOR: So wait. They say it again and again, and well, you get the point. SCOTT: Look, to be honest, there's a good chance we won't make it back. If that happens, don't call the Alliance for help. There's no point in putting any part of the fleet in jepordy. GAMBIT: I understand. JUBILEE: (whistles and chirps rapidly) SCOTT: Just stand by the comm, okay? We'll call you if we need you. If we get in trouble, you can try to come get us. Gambit has the hands and feet, you have the astronavigational skills. I'm sure the two of you together can fly the Falcon in an emergency. SPIKE: There's a happy thought. If Logan knew, that would thaw out faster than a laser torch. HAN: This is a bad idea. AUTHOR: They don't wreck it. JUBILEE: (makes a beep) GAMBIT: Don't be rude. I daresay I can pilot this ship better than you can! JUBILEE: (makes more rude noises) GAMBIT/: Oh really? Well, at least I don't look like an overgrown garbage can! SPIKE: Come on, Scott. If we're going to go, we need to get moving. We can get ourselves somke disguises, and if we hurry, we be underground before daylight. These two will argue all night. SCOTT: Okay, see you two in a little while. GAMBIT: Be careful. SCOTT: We will. --They exit the building that holds the Falcon-- SCOTT: Just how many people owe you favors? SPIKE: A whole lot of them who should never gamble. Lucky for me, they do! SCOTT: So now what? SPIKE: We catch a ride into the Southern underground. Keep that ligthsabor out of sight, but close to hand--this is not the kind of place you want to take granny for tea, if you know what I mean. SCOTT: Bad as Mos Eisley? SPIKE: Parts of it are worse. SCOTT: Great. Why are we going to such s delightful part of this chrome-plated planet anyhow? SPIKE: I don't know who this person is. AUTHOR: Niether do I. Skip to the last two lines. SPIKE: We're going into a cesspool of a place because that's where my contacts are. SCOTT: Wonderful people you associate with. OZ: Well, he IS a vampire. SPIKE: Oh, go find a fire hydrant, Wolfboy. AUTHOR: Stop fighting. Scene change. Okay, Angel and Giles, you have a conversation by phone. ANGEL: My master. GILES: I shall be leaving the planet shortly. To inspect portions of a certain construction project of which you are aware. When I return, we must get together. I have a few things I would like to discuss with you. ANGEL: Of course, my master. GILES: Tales have reached me, concerning one of the Rebels, Scott Summers. It seemes you have an interest in him? ANGEL: Summers? I have heard the name. I cannot say I have an interest in him. GILES: We shall speak of this on my return. I'm not stupid, you know. I HAVE read the script! ANGEL: So have I. Corsair kills me, not you. GILES: (makes a face) Unfair. AUTHOR: Yawn, next scene...oh wait, boring. Spike and Scott beat up a bunch of stormtroopers and steal their uniforms. SPIKE: Sounds like fun. SCOTT: Good thing they're vampires, or I'd be on my own. AUTHOR: Skip next two scenes and go to Corsair and Giles. GILES: I anticipate that I shall return in three weeks, I trust you can keep the planet from falling apart while I am gone? CORSAIR: (laughs incoherently) SPIKE: Good thing Willow and Anya aren't on this planet. We'd be screwed if they were. BUFFY: And he was only gone one day that time. WILLOW: That's not funny. ANYA: Are they making fun of us? Xander, mke them stop. XANDER: Um...I'm out'a here. AUTHOR: Be back for the next spoof. SPIKE: He can leave? AUTHOR: He's not in the rest of this. SPIKE: That's not fair. JARETH: You'd think by now they'd learn to stop saying that. SPIKE: Oh, shut up, this ain't the bloody Labyrinth. AUTHOR: Script! GILES: Any news on Summers? CORSAIR: Which one? GILES: (gives him a look) CORSAIR: Buffy, Scott, Alex, or me? GILES: Scott! CORSAIR: Not yet. We'll find him. GILEs: Perhaps sooner than you expect. AUTHOR: Yeah, he gets to save him from Angel. Go to the next scene. SCOTT: Well, this is a better nieghborhood than where we were before, but where exactly are we going? SPIKE: There. SCOTT: A plant shop? CASSI: Maybe he likes plants. SPIKE: Don't let it fool you. It's run by um.....Author? AUTHOR: Any vollenteers? VOICE FROM THE DOOR: I'll do it! HAN: Oh no. LEIA: You said you lost them! --Jacen, Jaina, and Anakin Solo enter with their friends, Zekk, Tanal Ka, and Lobacca-- AUTHOR: Ugh, the more, the merrier. Take a seat. Jacen, the role's yours. HAN: Um... AUTHOR: I SAID it's HIS! SPIKE: Okay, so it's run by Jacen Solo. He']s got a lot of connections, some Imperial, some Alliance, some criminal. LUKE: Not very Jedi Knightish, is he? SPIKE: Niether are you, Sith Lord. LUKE: You're not funny, Chip-Boy! JACEN: Why is Uncle Luke acting so strange? AUTHOR: Nobaody acts normal in a spoof, specially after they've been mauled by Abominable. JACEN: Um, I won't ask. MURDOC: Can we continue? SCOTT: Let me guess, he owes you a favor? SPIKE: Doubtful, I just met him. AUTHOR: Script! SPIKE: Not exactly, but we've done some business in the past and he doesn't mind making a few credits, passing along information. SCOTT: We're getting dirty looks. AUTHOR: Probably from the bored people. Skip a line or two or skip to when Sabor shows up, and will someone tie Jacen up? HAN: WHAT!? AUTHOR: It's in the script! Now continue. SPIKE: Sabor! SCOTT: What happened? Why is your hair chopped off? SABOR: (growls a long string in Wookiee-speak) SPIKE: The shop owner is tied up in back, in case anybody spotted Sabor coming in, they wouldn't think Jacen was helping, right, right, and --slow down, pal! SABOR: (keeps talking) SPIKE: Okay, okay, Buffy thinks it's Black Sun that wants you dead. Took her long enough. They're behind the assassination attempts, not the Empire, huh? Well, I don't know how, there's just the three of us, how can we get inside the place? That won't help her if we get cought, will it?-- --He is cut off by a blaster bolt-- SPIKE: Hey! That almost hit me! --Outside, four vampires with blasters are shooting-- SCOTT: Who are these guys? Why are they shooting at us? SPIKE: Duh, I work with the Slayer. Vampires hate me. HARMONY: I don't hate you, Spikey. TANAL KA: Who's the bimbo? CASSI: An annoying vampire who has a crush on Spike. JAINA: She reminds me of a really messed up night-sister. TANAL KA: This is a fact. AUTHOR: We don't like facts, we like insanity, now get back to the script! SCOTT: Is there another way out of here? SABOT: Yes. SPIKE: In the back. Sorry about this, Jacen--send the Alliance the bill, they'll pay for it. --Another blaster bolt zipps throught the back door-- SPIKE: They've got us boxed. --Before they can do anything, there's a scream from outside-- SPIKE: What the--? MURDOC: (appears with a flamethrower in his hands) Having a little trouble? SPIKE: Murdoc, what are you doing here? MURDOC: Flaming vampires? It's great! Now come on, we can talk as we move. JAINA: That guy is crazy. LUKE: You don't say. TANAL KA: This is a fact. MACGYVER: We already knew this. ZEKK: He's cool! JAINA: Don't get any ideas. CASSI: Why not? Murdoc IS cool! RUFIO: Yeah. MUNGO: Wha'evah you say. AUTHOR: Script! Nixt scene, oh skip it. It's boring. SPIKE: So how did you get here? MURDOC: The usual way. Blow up a couple'a things and nobody comes near me. SPIKE: I can see why. MURDOC: Let's go, I have a few contacts here. AUTHOR: Next scene. BUFFY: I'm not having breakfast with him. AUTHOR: Why? BUFFY: I'm mad at him. AUTHOR: Why? BUFFY: I'm not saying. ANGEL: You must have breakfast with me. BUFFY: I'm not hungry. ANGEL: I insist. BUFFY: Will Sabor be joining us? ANGEL: Alas, no. Your mutant Wookiee friend has...taken leave of us. BUFFY: Got away, and you can't find him, huh? ANGEL: You think he escaped on his own? Really, Buffy, you're smarter than this. I allowed him to break free. BUFFY: Sure. ANGEL: I want Scott Summers. He wants you. I have you. Surely, I don't need to draw you a diagram. OZ: You might. HARMONY: I don't get it. SPIKE: She's BAIT, you ditz! CASSI: Be nice. WOLVIE: Can we come back now? AUTHOR: you could some few scenes ago. CYKE: We're back. MAGNEATO: I'm Pizza the HUTT! AUTHOR: Wrong spoof. SPIKE: Pizza sounds good. KEVIN: (enters, gives Spike a pizza, and exits) JACEN: Who was that? SCOTT: The Snowcone Guy. JACEN: I'm not asking. CASSI: Safer not to. You could end up in one of his pranks. ANGEL: Yeah, my hair and skin are still GREEN! SPIKE: Oh, some on, it's kind of cute....Irish. BANSHEE: Huh? SPIKE: Wrong Irish. BANSHEE: He's Irish? SPIKE: Well, yeh, but way before your time. AUTHOR: Can we get on to something important? GILES: You mean you want it over with? AUTHOR: You're out of town, remember? CASSI: I think he's afraid to leave. BUFFY: After last time, I'm not surprised. AUTHOR: Script. Scott, Murdoc, Spike and Sabor, your scene. SCOTT: Where are we going? MURDOC: I know a place we can hide. We can figure out what to do from there. --A light-bulb appears over Scott's head-- CASSI: Huh? AUTHOR: What? It works. SPIKE: Uh..what? SCOTT: We'll go to this place and make plans to rescue Buffy. SPIKE: Right....why didn't we think of that? SABOR: (growls a comment) MURDOC: What else, oh fearless leader? SCOTT: Um...the scene ends. AUTHOR: Scott realizes he's smart, because he recognizes his ignorence. CASSI: I guess....don't make much sense though. AUTHOR: Niether do Jedi's. LUKE: Hey! AUTHOR: Script! Angel, Mystique, the beginning of your scene only. MYSTIQUE: Our agents say that a Correllian freighter, answering the discription of the Millenium Falcon is hidden somewhere in the Hasamadhi warehouse district near the South pole. CASSI: Must be cold there. AUTHOR: Wrong planet. ANGEL: So? There are hundreds of Correllian freighters that look like that, are there not? HAN: Probably. I've seen a few myself. MYSTIQUE: Not hidden in the Hasamadhi warehouse district. LANDO: How would she know? Maybe someone else hid there, too. ANGEL: Are you saying you think Summers and the Vampire gambler have come here? Have eluded the Imperial picket line and landed on the planet as bold as you please? MYSTIQUE: No, I think Logan has somehow thawed himself out, taken his ship back and flown it here himself! DOT: Da-uh! CASSI: Here's your sign. (hands Angel a yellow "I'm stupid" sign) HAN: Kinda makes Xizor look pretty dumb. LEIA: Extreemly. AUTHOR: Well, he was a criminal. They aren't known to be smart. MURDOC: Hey! AUTHOR: How many times have you been nearly killed because of your own plans? MURDOC: No comment. ANGEL: All right. Check it out. If it is Summers' ship, have it watched. When he shows up, kill him. MYSTIQUE: Sounds like fun. AUTHOR: Next scene. MURDOC: Now if we can come up with an idea of how to proceed, I can reach out to my contacts. Do we have any ideas? SCOTT: Yes, I have one.... --After a ten minute break-- AUTHOR: Okay, Scott is now wearing an entirely black outfit. He is relaxed and sitting Indian style on the floor, his eyes are closed. SCOTT: Buffy...(pauses) Buffy, I'm here. I'm coming for you. AUTHOR: The scene changes back and forth as we go from Buffy's to Scott's point of view. BUFFY: (hears Scott in her head) Now that was wierd. AUTHOR: Okay, Buffy answers him with the Farce. BUFFY: Scott, I'm here. SCOTT: (smiles) AUTHOR: Okay, scene change. Corsair is confused because he can't reach Scott, who seems to be in two places at once. SPIKE: Buffy can use the Farce? AUTHOR: Why not? You use the Schwartz. **Referring to the "Spaceballs" spoof that was in the process of being done, but was never finished and will not be posted at this time*** SPIKE: That's different. AUTHOR: Script! Skip Angel's dinner scene, it's only him losing his appitite...next scene! MURDOC: This is the center of the Empire-- SPIKE: (cuts in) It is? Uh-oh, we shouldn't be here. Why, it could be.....dangerous. SCOTT: What's your point, Murdoc? MURDOC: The Empire is corrupt. It runs less on loyalty and honor than it does on bribes and graft. Credits lube the gears and nowhere more than here. SPIKE: So? You think we're gonna be able to bribe a guard? I don't think Angel's that stupid, but then considering his own people hate him.... MURDOC: Not a guard, an engineer. SCOTT: What am I missing here? MUNGO: your brain? JEAN: I'll buy that. SCOTT: HEY! MURDOC: In a bureacacy, everything has to be filed and copied and logged in quadruplicate. You can't build anything without permits, licences, inspections, plans. All we need to do is find the right engineer, one who maybe gambles too much or has more taste than he's got money. MACAVITY: Me, right? AUTHOR: Yes, it's you they're talking about. SPIKE: Can we bribe someone else? AUTHOR: NO! Alright, we know this part. Spike, do your line about five lines from the end of this scene. SPIKE: Assuming we could find a guide, you are saying you want to wade through kilometers of sewage to get into this place? MURDOC: Exactly what the guards would think. Who would be that stupid? SPIKE: Us, that's who. ANGEL: I'm not agruing. BUFFY: Niether am I. HAN: Yeah, that's Lando. LANDO: Hey, it worked. AUTHOR: Script! MURDOC: And finding a guide is no problem. I know somebody. SCOTT: I've heard that before. MURDOC: You know him, too. Macavity's our sewer cat. MACAVITY: Not funny. AUTHOR: Skip next two scenes, it's only more pointless thinking, oh, and Buffy's working out. SPIKE: Nothing new there. AUTHOR: Next scene. Macavity, you're up. MACAVITY: See, this conduit? (points at the holograph) This is the subsewer for the entire sector. You could drive a land-speeder--whatever that is-- through it, it's so huge. The branch we want is here. (points to another spot on the holograph) That one drains Angel's castle. There's a locked grate to keep out rats, snake eyes, and other vermin. ANGEL: Like Spike. SPIKE: I heard that. AUTHOR: Script! MACAVITY: But maintenence has the key codes. After that, it's a clear shot to the building pipes here. About half a kilometer is all. (he touches a control on the projector and the picture changes, enlarged, as the veiwpoint zooms in closer to a mass of noodle-like tunnels) SPIKE: How big are those? MACAVITY: You can see they're to scale. Big enough for a couple of men to walk side by side, if they aren't too tall. The mutant wookiee, here, will have to hunch down some. SABOR: (growls) SPIKE: Those go into the building itself? MACAVITY: Yes, there'll be another rat-grate where they enter the structure. We're not supposed to have the lock codes for those, but since it's in the script, I have those too. I can give you them for a consideration. MURDOC: How much of a consideration? MACAVITY: 250 credits. SPIKE: 125. MURDOC: Before I blow you up. MACAVITY: Then how would you get the codes? MURDOC: Read the script. MACAVITY: Tell you what. I'll do it for free. SPIKE: Darn, here, I was hopin' ta' pay you back for that knife in my shoulder back in "Dot". MACAVITY: That was an accident. AUTHOR: Script! Skip to about when they're doen bargaining, since Macavity's doing it for free. MACAVITY: (starts to leave) SPIKE: Where are you going? MACAVITY: Home? MURDOC: I don't think so. I think maybe you'll stay here with us. MACAVITY: But you said you ain't ready to go until tomorrow. MURDOC: We changed our minds. We want to go now. And since we don't want to find a squad of storm-troopers or Black Sun guards waiting for us when we start wading through the sewers, we'd rather you didn't make any calls. MACAVITY: Hey, I wouldn't turn you in. I'm not stupid, I saw the flamethrower. SPIKE: Script says we bring you, so therefore, we bring you. AUTHOR: Let's skip the end of this scene since Macavity's not married. Next scene. Angel and Mystique. MYSTIQUE: All of your security systems have reported. ANGEL: And? MYSTIQUE: No unexpected activity. Nothing more threatening than usual. (glares) ANGEL: Good, why the glare? MYSTIQUE: She's still alive. ANGEL: Da-uh. AUTHOR: Yeah, she's in the next spoof. We can't kill her. MYSTIQUE: Let someone else play her. AUTHOR: Script. In fact, better yet, next scene. SCOTT: Gambit? GAMBIT: (over comlink) Yes, master Scott? SCOTT: Everything okay on the ship? GAMBIT: On board, yes, but Jubes has learned from reading the script that they're looking for us. SCOTT: Then keep a sharp eye out. Call me if anything happens. AUTHOR: Skip the next scene, it's only where Corsair learns Angel want revenge, 'cause he supposedly killed his family which isn't possible, since Corsair wasn't even alive then....anyway, skip to where the sewer team arms themselves, and yes, I gave Murdoc some new toys before anyone asks. MURDOC: Thermal detenators!! (grins) They vaporize things. MACGYVER: Great. AUTHOR: Corsair, you're up. You're on the phone with Giles. CORSAIR: My master. GILES: Lord Corsair, How are things there? CORSAIR: Calm for now. GILES: Stay alert, I've read the script. Chaos is about to take place. CORSAIR: Yes, my master. (hangs up the phone, then dails Angel's number) AUTHOR: Angel, you get his call. ANGEL: Lord Corsair--what a pleasant surprise. CORSAIR: Perhaps not so pleasant. I have been made aware of your attempts to kill Scott Summers. You will cease all attempts to harm the boy immediately. ANGEL: Your information is an error, Lord Corsair, and if it were correct, I am given to understand that bot is a Rebel officer, all of whom are traitors and wanted dead or alive. Is this suddenly a change of policy on official Imperial decree? CORSAIR: If Summers is harmed, I will hold you personally responsible. ANGEL: I see. I assure you that if I should happen to come accross Summers, I will extend to him the same courtesy I would you, Lord Corsair. MUNGO: 'E's dead. CORSAIR: (hangs up) AUTHOR: Okay, next scene. The sewers. --The sludge is a greenish black, thick, oily, and it stinks worse than the Bog of Eternal Skin-So-Soft-- MUNGO: Yuck, tha' reeks! JARETH: Can we hurry past this? (covers his nose) CASSI: Are they gonna smell like that for the rest of their lives? LANDO: No. HAN: Good thing. SABOR: (growls an obscene comment after hearing a chittering in the slime) SPIKE: I heard it. It's not my fault you didn't want to wear boots. Go on, it's more afraid of you than you are of it. MURDOC: Yeah, better watch yourself, Sabor! I hear that sewer serpents love wookiee toes! SABOR: (growls another obscene remark) MACAVITY: What's wrong with him? SCOTT: He doesn't like little swimming or running things. MACAVITY: There are creatures alive in this. MURDOC: HEY!! Look out!! SCOTT: (spins and ignites his lightsaber as a dianoga's head appears) Don't shoot! (drops into a crouch and hacks the creature apart) MURDOC: Nice move, kid. SCOTT: I've seen a couple of these before. The Snowcone guy keeps 'em for pets. They love places like this. MURDOC: You spend a lot of time in places like this? SCOTT: Of course not! Not if I can help it, anyway. MACAVITY: Just ahead there. (he leads them to two large grates in the wall) SPIKE: Let's see if those codes work. MACAVITY: (places a plastic card in a slot and the grates swing open) See? Just like I told you. We want the one on the right. SABOR: (starts to climb in, but he slips, and manages to catch himself by putting a hand in the sludge) SABOR: YUCK!!!! GET IT OFF!!!! (shakes his hand violently) MACAVITY: Careful, it's a little slippery in places. SABOR: (glares) SPIKE: (chuckles) Yeh, be careful, you big clumsy--YOW!! (his feet are knocked out from under him by a blast of the Force--He gets up quickly, but he's still covered in the goo--He glares) I wouldn't have fallen, you know. AUTHOR: I know. I asked Leia to knock your feet out from under you. It's in the script. SPIKE: That is not fair. SABOR: (laughs incoherently) SCOTT: (grins) MURDOC: You should have worn old clothes. CASSI: Good thing he's not wearing his leather duster. SPIKE: I'm never gonna get the smell out of these. MURDOC: So burn them. DOT: You can use tomato juice. It works on skunks. WAKKO AND YAKKO: (nod in agreement) --Above Spike, a bucket with the words "Acme Tomato Juice" appears-- SPIKE: NO!!!! --The bucket dumps over on his head--All cast and Peanut Gallery laugh incoherently-- CASSI: Cute. Vile, but cute. AUTHOR: Well, they make anvils fall out of the sky, why not? SPIKE: Now, I'll REALLY have to burn these clothes. MUNGO: Cheer up, a' leas' i' weren' no anvil. WAKKO: The ANVIL song!!! AUTHOR: Not in this spoof! MURDOC: Can we get out of here? I'm dying of exposure. MACGYVER: Something that kills MURDOC? Leave him in there! MURDOC: (glares) I'm going to love seeing you die in the "Mummy" one. AUTHOR: Script! MACAVITY: Zap field coming up! --Everybody stops while Macavity punches in the code.-- MACAVITY: Should be fine now. SPIKE: Fine, you go first. MACAVITY: Gee, thanks. AUTHOR: Script. MACAIVTY: Not far now. SPIKE, MURDOC, AND SCOTT: (sigh, relieved) GOOD! MACAVITY: There. There's the entrance to the building. It leads to the recycler in the basement. There won't be any guards inside the recycler itself, but, oh, forget this! I'm out'a here! MURDOC: Where do you think you're going, kitty-cat? MACAVITY: I'm done, you're here. You have the floor plans. That's it. MURDOC: Change of plans. You wait for us in the recycler. MACAVITY: No way. I've read the script! you leave by ship and blow the joint! I'm not stayin'! SPIKE: You're staying. Got it, cat? MACAVITY: (pulls a small blaster out and starts shooting wildly) SPIKE: Hey, watch it. --One of the shots hits Murdoc in the leg-- MURDOC: Oh, you're dead!! (shoots Macavity) SPIKE: Mungo! MUNGO: I'm no' goin' NEAR tha' green stuff! AUTHOR: Come get him! MUNGO: (grumbles, but complies) SCOTT: Murdoc? MURDOC: I'm okay. Just a bit scorched. SPIKE: Don't get any of this crud on you. MURDOC: I don't plan to. SCOTT: Where'd he get a blaster? AUTHOR: Not sure, but it's in the script. SPIKE: Let's hope the guards didn't hear the shooting. AUTHOR: Next scene. SCOTT: Uh-oh. SPIKE: I didn't need to hear that. What? SCOTT: The Author forget to get some people to play guards. AUTHOR: Universal cure? SPIKE: (grins) Skip it. AUTHOR: Angel, you're up! ANGEL: What? MYSTIQUE: A problem in the sub-basement. ANGEL: What kind of problem? CASSI: The Author forgot to get guards? MYSTIQUE: Don't worry, I sent a few squads down. ANGEL: Good, than there's nothing to worry about. AUTHOR: Okay, Gambit's yelling at Scott over the comlink. GAMBIT: Master Scott, master Scott! SCOTT: (blocks an incoming blaster bolt) We're busy here, Gambit! GAMBIT: But master Scott, there are men coming toward the ship! Men with guns! SCOTT: (points down the hallway) That way, it ought to be clear! SPIKE: I've heard that before! SCOTT: (into the comlink) Gambit? GAMBIT: Sacre BLEU!!! SCOTT: GAMBIT!!! GAMBIT: Master Scott, what should we do? WAKKO: Isn't it obvious? SCOTT: Take the ship out of there now! Just like what we talked about. Jubes knows the systems. You can operate the controls! HAN: Wait a minute! AUTHOR: Quiet, it's in the script! JACEN: The droids are gonna fly? You know those are wierd droids. MISTO: They didn't used to be. JACEN: Oh. AUTHOR: Next scene. MYSTIQUE: We've lost contact with the second unit of guards. ANGEL: Same area? MYSTIQUE: No, four levels up. CASSI: They're quick. ANGEL: Put security on full alert. MYSTIQUE: Already done. ANGEL: Cancel my appointments. Go and fetch Princess Buffy. Bring her to my strong room. SPIKE: He has a strong room? AUTHOR: Okay, skip to when Buffy kicks Mystique's butt. BUFFY: (decks Mystique, knocking her accross the room, then runs down the hall) AUTHOR: Gambit, over the comlink again. GAMBIT: Somewhere in the sky, Master Scott, I--what? Oh, be quiet, I'm flying it correctly. It--AHHH! HAN: (covers his eyes) I can't watch. SCOTT: Gambit. --There is silence, and then a crunching noise-- GAMBIT: I SAW it, you blithering ash-can!!! If you hadn't distracted me, I would have turned in time. SCOTT: Gambit, what's going on? JUBILEE: (whistles in the background of the comlink) GAMBIT: Shut up, you TWIT! It was NOT my fault! SCOTT: Gambit? GAMBIT: Sorry, Master Scott. Thanks to Jubes', woefully inadequate instruction, we've accidently destroyed an advertising billboard and a broadcasting tower. No, I don't think we hit that hover van, we just brushed it. Yes it WAS your fault! If you hadn't been jabbering at me like an overheated tea-kettle, I would have-- SCOTT: Gambit, stop talking to Jubes and tell me what's going on. GAMBIT: We are flting somewhat low to the ground because Jubes said we should, but I do think we should climb a bit higher. No, I don't care how much astronavigation you know. I am flying the ship now. Just give me the directions! SCOTT: All right, listen. Bring the Falcon to the coordinates I told you. Hurry, and gain enough altitude so you don't hit anything. GAMBIT: (to Jubilee) You see? I told you we were too low, but no, no one can tell you anything. You know it all-- SCOTT: Gambit! GAMBIT: Yes, Master Scott. We are on the way. No, I don't think we should go that way, that building is much too tall. We should go this way---Oh LOOK OUT!!! SCOTT: (breaks the connection, so he can use his lightsaber to cut through a door) AUTHOR: Next scene. HAN: Is my ship still alive? LEIA: So far. HAN: They're still flying? LEIA: Yes, dear. HAN: I'm never gonna forgive you, Luke. LUKE: WHAT!? HAN: If you hadn't let R2 and Goldenrod fly that ship, this wouldn't be happening. CREEPY: I'm hungry. WOLVIE: I'm bored. CYKE: I'm thleepy. MAGNEATO: Can we do something else? SHOWER: We can fight. AUTHOR: Not now. SPIKE: No, a fight wouldn't be very good now. We're almost done. JACEN: Really? What's next? AUTHOR: "Return of the Spoof". We're getting Logan out of the carbonite. JACEN: He plays my dad? AUTHOR: Yep. HAN: Yeah, only I didn't have to be lost under anybody's dirty laundry. SPIKE: I bet that's why Xander left. He has to find Logan before the next spoof. AUTHOR: Good assumption. Probably true. DOT: We're bored. MUNGO: Extreemly. TEAZER: Yep. MISTO: Can we cause trouble? MACENO: Yeah, can we? AUTHOR: Only for the cast members. SPIKE: Now, I'm worried. WILLOW: You're worried? I'm still stuck as a droid for Spaceballs! OZ: So? I still have a TAIL! **Oz played the part of Barf** AUTHOR: Um... JARETH: This is interesting. SARAH: Uh-huh. CASSI: Wait, it'll get better. AUTHOR: Next scene. Angel? Mystique? You're up. ANGEL: WHAT!? MYSTIQUE: She got away. She was waiting when I got here. She punched me! I want to kill her! ANGEL: Blast! All right. Let's go find her, and whomever is causing those problems. AUTHOR: Next scene. Spike, you're up. SPIKE: Hold up a second. SCOTT: What? Why? SPIKE: Script says I have to blast the breaker box and kill all the cameras. MURDOC: So blast away. SPIKE: (fires a blast at the breaker box, destroying it) --They continue running down the hall. They stop at the sound of footfalls on the other side of a door-- SCOTT: No, don't shoot! BUFFY: (comes running throught the doorway) SCOTT: Buffy! BUFFY: Took you long enough. (pulls out a bottle of "Fabreeze", sprays them all) Much better. SCOTT: The ship broke down, so we had to take a short cut through the sewer. SPIKE: The ship breaking down is NOT my fault. HAN: No, it's mine. LEIA: We know. AUTHOR: Gambit? Comlink. GAMBIT: Master Scott? SCOTT: What is it now, Gambit? GAMBIT: We appear to have caught the attention of a robotic police vessle. It seems to be following us. SCOTT: Well, lose it. GAMBIT: How, Master Scott? SCOTT: Fly like Han and Logan do. BUFFY: You're letting the droids fly the ship? Are you CRAZY? SCOTT: YES! Besides, they;re doing all right. Just a few jitters, that's all. They're really doing well. GAMBIT: NO, shut up, Jubes! You heard what Master Scott said! I'll just loop around, whoah--AAHH!! JUBILEE: (squeals more frantically) GAMBIT: Master Scott! Help HELP!!! I HATE flying!!!! GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!!! SCOTT: Gambit, what are you doing? JUBILEE: (squeals more) GAMBIT: I'm trying to turn it right-side up! Be QUIET! AHHH!! Forget this! HEEEELP!!!!!! SPIKE: Sounds like they're upside down. BUFFY: "Doing all right", you said! I can't BELIEVE you let them fly the ship! SCOTT: Gambit, do what Jubes tells you. Jubes, show him how to pull out of the loop! GAMBIT: I'm not listening to HER! It's HER fault! AHHHH!!! THAT'S IT! I QUIT!!!!! AUTHOR: Gambit, do what you're told and maybe I'll return you to human.....eventually. GAMBIT: Ah, that's better. We seem to have lost the pursuer, Master Scott. I believe it smashed into that walk-way we flew under....or it crashed into that building we flew through. JUBILEE: (beeps obscenely) GAMBIT: My fault? It figures. It's never your fault. BUFFY: I can't believe you let the droids fly-- SCOTT: (glares) Will you stop saying that? I'm crazy, remember? I do crazy things like that! LEIA: Try stupid. HAN: We know that. LUKE: I heard that. AUTHOR: Script! GAMBIT: We're doing quite well now, Master Scott. Don't worry. No, Jubes, I don't think he wants to know about that wreck we caused. SCOTT: Umm. AUTHOR: Next scene. MYSTIQUE: I'll sound the general alarm. ANGEL: No! How would that look? That head of Black Sun allows his security to be breached? SPIKE: Makes you look dumb. HAN: Actually, he would look smarter if he sounded the alarm and admitted he was wrong. ANGEL: Good point. Sound the alarm. AUTHOR: Sorry, you can't. It's not in the script, and they're on level seventeen, okay? ANGEL: Thanks, saves us the trouble. AUTHOR: Next scene. DOMINA: Not without ME! AUTHOR: Ah, Princess Domina, welcome. LUKE: Hide me. CASSI: Kristi!!!! LUKE: Huh? AUTHOR: Everybody, I'd like to introduce Her Royal Highness, Princess Domina....or just Kristi to some. LUKE: I take it you left Battle home? DOMINA: Haven't seen her in a while. AUTHOR: Sorry to do this, Kristi, but I have a spoof to finish. SCRIPT!!!! BUFFY: So, what is the plan? SCOTT: We get out of here. CYKE: That'th briliant! Where doeth he come up with the planth? SCOTT: We need to get the Falcon and get off-world as fast as we can. Gambit and Jubes can do it. SABOR: (growls an obscene comment in wookiee-speak) DOMINA: He has a really dirty mouth. CASSI: Figures. He's a villian, normally. SPIKE: Listen, if we don't get out of here, it doesn't matter who's flying what. Come on! MURDOC: That vampire's right. SCOTT: Nobody will think we're stupid enough to go up. They'll look for us to try and leave at ground level. SPIKE: (laughs) Yeh, that's the problem with our opposition. They keep figuring no one could be as stupid as we are. Fools 'em every time. DOMINA: No argument here. HAN: You had to deal with these idiots, Leia? LEIA: Yep. HAN: I'm sorry. LUKE: That's not funny. CASSI: No, it's scary. AUTHOR: SCRIPT! WOLVIE: We're bored! AUTHOR: Do I care? WOLVIE: You should. (gives "Bambi" eyes) AUTHOR: (ignores him) Script! Okay, Angel, Mystique, you wait for them on level twenty! ANGEL: I must know they're stupid. AUTHOR: I would think so. POUNCE: You think? AUTHOR: No, just a figure of speech, now back to the script! MURDOC: Level twenty. Stairs end here. We'll have to zip in and find another set. SPIKE: How many levels are in this place? MURDOC: As I recall, a hundred and two above ground. SPIKE: Bloody hell! And we have to go all the way to the ROOF!? SCOTT: No, there's a landing pad extending out at level fifty. MURDOC: That's nothing. Another thirty flights, we won't even be breathing hard. SPIKE: I can hardly breath now. BUFFY: You're dead, you don't have to breath. DOMINA: Good point. SPIKE: I don't write it, I just read it. SCOTT: There should be another set of stairs accross the hall and down about 60 meters. Let's move. ANGEL: (fires at Scott as he enters) SCOTT: (blocks the shots with his lightsaber, effortlessly) ANGEL: No fair. MYSTIQUE: I'm not throwing a metal chair! I can't lift it! --Murdoc, Buffy, and Spike begin firing down the hall-- ANGEL: MOVE! --Mystique and Angel enter an empty room-- ANGEL: That's an interesting trick he does with that lightsaber. MYSTIQUE: He is related to Corsair. Shall I call the guards now? ANGEL: Call them. AUTHOR: Other team. BUFFY: That was Angel. SCOTT: Good! Let's get him! SPIKE: I don't think so. Look! --A dozen vampire guards have just rounded the corner-- MURDOC: In there! --They all enter an empty room-- BUFFY: Now what? SPIKE: Well, it's time for desperate measures. (he reaches into a small back pack he's been carrying, and pulls out a round silver ball, with controls on it) MURDOC: (takes the ball) It's a thermal detonator. Spike's got three of them. They run on a timer or a deadman's switch. Flip that switch right there, press that button in and hold it. If you let go without disarming the deadman's switch first, it goes off. BUFFY: And does what, exactly? MURDOC: Makes a small thermonucear fusion reaction. BUFFY: A small thermonuclear fusion reaction. (raises an eyebrow) MURDOC: Yeah, just enough to vaporize a good size chunk of whatever is next to it. BUFFY: I see. That includes us is it goes off in here, right? MACGYVER: And you just HANDED that to MURDOC!? CASSI: Not very smart, are they? DOMINA: We already established that. They addmitted they were stupid. CASSI: And now, they're proving it. AUTHOR: Script! MURDOC: Right, but we're betting your friend the Leader of Black Sun won't want to trigger it while he's around, not to mention what it would do to his castle. BUFFY: Let me see it. (she takes the device and examines it) And if you don't use the deadman's switch? MURDOC: It runs on a timer. The difficult setting is five minutes. If you lock it in, here, once the timer starts, nobody can turn it off. BUFFY: Got it. (she tucks it into the bounty hunter's helmet, hooked to her belt) SCOTT: Uh, Buffy? BUFFY: You said you had more of them, right? I want to hang on to this one. It might come in handy. SCOTT: Okay, we bought it with your money, anyhow. BUFFY: (drily) REA-lly. SCOTT: I guess we'd better have a little talk with Angel. (takes another thermal detonator and touches the sontrols The divice starts beeping) AUTHOR: Angel's team. ANGEL: What is that sound? SCOTT: (steps out into the hall) ANGEL: Don't shoot! Lower your weapons!! SCOTT: Good idea. --The rest of the team enters the hallway-- SCOTT: Do you knpow what this is? ANGEL: I have a pretty good idea. SCOTT: It's rigged with a deadman's switch. If I let go of it... ANGEL: What do you want? SCOTT: To leave, my friends and I. ANGEL: You release the bomb, you die, and so do your friends. SCOTT: (shrugs) Like it stands, we're dead, anyway. We have nothing to lose. How about you? You ready to give this all up? This is a Class-A thermal detonation, you know what that means? VAMPIRE GUARDS: It means we're GONE! (throw their weapons down and run) ANGEL: I think you're bluffing. SCOTT: Only one way to find out. Your move. ANGEL: All right, leave. Nobody will stop you. -- Spike, Buffy, Murdoc and Sabor hurry to the stairs. Scott stays standing alone in front of Angel.-- ANGEL: I could still shoot you. SCOTT: You could try. (holds up his lightsaber with the other hand) ANGEL: I could shoot one of the others. Your friend, the Wookiee, or the Slayer. SCOTT: We'd all be vapor before they hit the floor, you included. --Angel looks around. Suddenly, Spike's group stops. Spike reaches into his pack and produces another shining ball-- ANGEL: What's the point of that? You can't blow us up anymore with two of those. SPIKE: (grins and opens the door of the garbage chute next to him. He filps the control on the detonator so it starts beeping,) ANGEL: NOOO! SPIKE: (grins again and tosses the beeping detonator down the chute, to the subbasement) You have five minutes to leave the building. If I were you, I'd get moving. ANGEL: I'm out'a here. (bolts) BUFFY: Great, Spike. How are we gonna climb thirty flights of stairs in five minutes? AUTHOR: Take the lift. CASSI: Da-uh! AUTHOR: Skip the fight between Mystique and Scott, it's pointless anyway because Mystique ain't a droid. Angel, you make it to your ship. MYSTIQUE: I'm out of here. (turns into a bird and flies away) AUTHOR: Here comes the Falcon! SPIKE: DUCK!!! --They all duck as the Falcon almost hits them-- SPIKE: Gambit, I'm gonna KILL you! SCOTT: Gambit, cut your drives and bring it on the repulsers only! And HURRY! GAMBIT: I'm trying, Master Scott. The controls are somewhat sensitive. HAN: I can't watch. --Suddenly, the Falcon corrects itself and lands perfectly-- HAN: What in-- LEIA: You'r welcome. CASSI: Force users are so annoying. I wanted to see if the castle would blow up before they could land it. ANGEL: So was I. I could have won. SCOTT: Let's get out of here. --They hurry inside, and Murdoc shoves Gambit out of the pilot's chair.-- MURDOC: MOVE! GAMBIT: No need to be rude, Murdoc. --There is a crumbling underneath them and the ship shakes-- SCOTT: Come on, Murdoc!! --The Falcon rises slowly, as the castle crumbles beneath it-- SCOTT: Let's get out of here! Nothing fancy, just run as fast as you can! MURDOC: I hear you. GAMBIT: I thought I flew rather well. ALL: (stare at Gambit) GAMBIT: But I don't think I would like to do it again any time soon. AUTHOR: Okay, Angel is pissed, nothing new there. He stupidly says something over tha comlink that he shouldn't have...go ahead and say it, Angel. ANGEL: I've got you now, Summers! AUTHOR: Okay, Corsair hears it and goes after Angel. Murdoc exit ship! MURDOC: (joins the Peanut Gallery) I'm not getting blown up again. The Outrider can run on remote control. AUTHOR: Okay, Angel's men start shooting at the Falcon. They have them completely surrounded. SCOTT: There's a wall between us and where we need to go! SPIIKE: So find another way. You want me to fly her? SCOTT: NO! --They are hit by a beam-- SPIKE: I thought you two were shooting BACK! SABOR AND BUFFY: (yell back very rude comments) SPIKE: Sabor wants to know if he's supposed to hit anything with you looping like that! SCOTT: How can he miss? We're surrounded! He should hit something no matter WHERE he shoots! DOMINA: Good point! --The empty Outrider zips past, cannons blasting. Ahead of them, a fighter explodes-- SPIKE: See Sabor? An empty ship shoots better than you! AUTHOR: To Angel! ANGEL: Have you stopped the ship yet, Commander? COMMANDER: Not yet, Highness. They are quite skilled, and there are two ships returning your fire. We don't have a transpondor signal on the other one, but it's heavily armed. ANGEL: If my navy can't defeat two ships, it certainly needs a new Commander! COMMANDER: We will defeat them. Our net is closing. They are runninf out of room. AUTHOR: Falcon people. SPIKE: Lousy shots, don't care WHO they hit. --An attacker explodes in front of them-- SCOTT: Good shot! Who got it? Was it you, Buffy? BUFFY: Not me. Must have been Sabor! SABOR: (makes a comment) SPIKE: It wasn't him. WAGNER: (over comlink) Hey Scott!!!! Okay if ve join your pahty? SCOTT: Kurt! What are you doing here? WAGNER: Script! Says ve help you so ve vere vaiting. Sorry it took so long to get here! SCOTT: Well, don't let it happen again! AUTHOR: Okay, this is boring, only lots of shooting and wierdos are losing until Corsair gets there! Bowties come screaming in! SPIKE: Uh-oh. SCOTT: Yeah, I wondered what was keeping them. Listen, thanks for everything, Spike, you've been a good friend. SPIKE: Getting suicidal, are we? --The bow-ties flash past ans start attacking the unmarked attacker-- SPIKE: Huh? BUFFY: Scott, I just saw-- SCOTT: I know, I know, what's going on? AUTHOR: Angel's up! COMMANDER: Highness, we're being attacked by the Imperial Navy! --A Communications Tech waves Angel over-- ANGEL: This had better be good. TACH: It- it's Lord Corsair! He wants to speak with you! ANGEL: Put him on! Lord Corsair, why is the Navy attacking MY ships? CORSAIR: Because the ships, under your orders, are engaging in criminal activity. ANGEL: Nonsense! My ships are trying to stop a rebel traitor who destroyed my castle! CORSAIR: You have two standard minutes to offer yourself into my custody! ANGEL: I will NOT! I will take this up with the Emperor! CORSAIR: The Emperor is not here! I speak for the Empire, Angel! ANGEL: PRINCE Angel! CORSAIR: You may keep the title....for another two minutes. ANGEL: What are you going to do, Corsair? Destroy my skyhook? You wouldn't dare! The Emperor-- CORSAIR: I warned you to stay away from Summers. Recall your ships and surrender into my custody, or pay the consequences. I will risk the Emperor's displeasure. However, you will not be there to see it, this time. ANGEL: Author, I QUIT! AUTHOR: So join the Peanut Gallery. You're dead in a minute or so, anyway. ANGEL: (joins the Peanut Gallery) AUTHOR: Corsair? CORSAIR: Commander, destroy the Skyhook! VAMPIRE COMMANDER: Yes, my lord! --The Skyhook is destroyed by a blast from Corsair's ship-- SPIKE: Bloody hell, they must have really made someone mad. CASSI: You don't say. AUTHOR: Okay, they fly through wreckage of the Skyhook to escape. Murdoc and Angel are both dead now. WAGNER: Vhat are ve going to do now? SCOTT: We're going to get Logan. If he isn't on Tatooine yet, he soon will be. WAGNER: Gonna dance into Hutt's guarded palace and get him? Just like that? SCOTT: I have a plan. AUTHOR: And guess what! I'm ending it right here! So it's over!!! THE END ************** AFTER THE SPOOF ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SPIKE: So Angelus, having fun? ANGEL: Shut up, Chip Boy! MURDOC: (making a face) I didnt get to keep any of those thermal detonators. MACGYVER: Good! MACAVITY: You SHOT me! CASSI: Mungo brought you back! TEAZER: Bu' 'e wishes 'e han'! DOMINA: Amusing. I think I'll stay. MARA: I can't. LUKE: I have to. HAN: I want to. LEIA: Here we go again. BUFFY: We're not out of this yet. XANDER: I'm BAAAACK! AUTHOR: Where's Logan? XANDER: Dropped him off at Mojo's! CASSI: Are we ready for the next one? AUTHOR: Let's go! THE END