"CUTTHROAT ISLAND, A SPOOF" BY CASSI (evilspoofauthor2) --Parody of the movie, "Cutthroat Island", starring Gena Davis-- DISCLAIMER: I'm so tired of these stupid things. You know none of these people belong to us, and they will be returned in working order (although slightly insane) And if you want to know where these people come from, read the bloody cast!!! References to: God only knows, although they probably don't belong to us either.....except if we're referring to our other spoofs....which you would get if you actually read them all....we love you guys who do ^_^ (although we wish you would REVIEW them all) --hint-hint-- : p Anywho, you were wanting to read the spoof, weren't you? I guess that means I should start typing it already instead of wasting space with this pointless crap. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CAST FOR "CUTTHROAT ISLAND, A SPOOF" MORGAN ADAMS.........................................................Nikki Carpenter (MacGyver) WILLIAM SHAW............................................................Richard "Ringo" Langly (Lone Gunmen) DAWG BROWN...............................................................Ardeth Bay (The Mummy) MR. GLASSPOOLE..........................................................Frank Colton (MacGyver) MR. BLAIR........................................................................Porthos (The Three Musketeers) MR. BOWEN.....................................................................Jack Banning (Hook) GOVERNOR AINSLEE.....................................................Rupert Giles (Buffy) LIEUTENANT TROTTER................................................Agent Fox Mulder (X-Files) KING CHARLES................................................................Betsy (Outbreak) JOHN REED........................................................................Melvin Frohike (Lone Gunmen) MR. SNELGRAVE..............................................................Macavity (Cats) BISHOP...............................................................................Sabretooth (X-Men) SCULLY..............................................................................Murdoc (MacGyver) MR. FLEMMING...............................................................Peter Banning (Hook) MORDECHAI ADAMS...................................................Alonzo (Cats) BLACK HARRY ADAMS...............................................Munkustrap (Cats) MORDECHAI'S GUARD (EYEPATCH)........................Rufio (Hook) MORDECHAI'S OTHER GUARD...................................John Byers (Lone Gunmen) MANDY RICKETS...........................................................Dawn Summers (Buffy) PIGEON..............................................................................Tinkerbell (Hook) WHORE............................................................................. Drusilla (Buffy) AUCTIONEER..................................................................Mungojerrie (Cats) SLAVE BUYER.................................................................Xander Harris (Buffy) PORTUGUESE LIEUTENANT....................................... James "Jimmy" Bond (Lone Gunmen) AMES................................................................................Han Solo (Star Wars) HEWITT............................................................................Jack Dalton (MacGyver) BARTENDER...................................................................Angus MacGyver (MacGyver) EXECUTIONER (RED COAT).......................................Luke Skywalker (Star Wars) CAPTAIN PERKINS.......................................................Captain James Hook (Hook) ADDITIONAL PIRATES (MORGAN) ******************************** Logan "Wolverine" (X-Men), Kurt "Nightcrawler" Wagner (X-Men), & The X-Babies. ADDITIONAL PIRATES (DAWG) ********************************** Jesse Colton (MacGyver) & The Rum Tum Tugger (Cats) ALSO FEATURING ***************** The Neverland Pirates (Hook), The Med-jai warriors(The Mummy Returns), The Lost Boys (Hook) The Jawa "Dink-Dinks", Jigglypuff (Pokemon), & The Assassins. PEANUT GALLERY ****************** Sven, Chris Mason (Cassi's), Joyce Summers (Buffy), Mr. Mistloffelees (Cats), Spike (Buffy), Dr. Willis (MacGyver), The Warners (Animaniacs), Penny Parker (MacGyver), Billy Colton (MacGyver), Princess Leia (Star Wars), Jareth (Labyrinth), and Sarah Williams (Labyrinth) MED TEAM *************** Mungojerrie, Rumpelteazer (Cats), Agent Dana Scully (X-Files), Dr. Carter (ER), 7 of 9 (Voyager), and the Dr. Hologram (Voyager). GUEST APPEARANCES BY: James Dean Martinez (Cassi's), and Pepe le Pew. SPECIAL GUEST, MEDIC AND CARETAKER FOR BETSY: Col. Sam Daniels of USAMRIID (Outbreak) ASSISTANT TO THE AUTHOR: Prince John (Robin Hood MIT) CAMERA CAT: Bob, the Bobcat (Cassi's) *********************************************************************** BEFORE THE SPOOF ****************** AUTHOR: We're Baaaaack! SVEN: Let the insanity continue. DAWN: Buffy didn't want to come back. AUTHOR: She will, eventually. We'll make her an offer she can't refuse. MULDER: Ho so? JOHN: I believe you call her....Glorificus. XANDER: You're bringing GLORY in? AUTHOR: Not yet, but she'll star in the spoof that comes after the spoof that comes after the spoof that comes after this one. ALL: Huh? SVEN: She gets to smack her head into a tree. DAWN: Cool. LANGLY: Um, this says I have to jump off a cliff. JOHN: It does not either. You're hanging on a rope off a cliff, and you have to let go, but don't worry, Nikki does it too. LANGLY: Oh THAT just makes me feel so much better. NIKKI: Do I have to act with him? What if he throws up again? AUTHOR: Excuse me everyone! NIKKI: Are you even listening to me? AUTHOR: I'm sorry, what was that? JOHN: Oh, quit complaining! TINK: Now about me playing a BIRD! RUFIO: Be thankful it wasn't a BUG! AUTHOR: Everyone! Excuse me!! This is Col. Sam Daniels and you all know Agent Scully! They're here to vaccinate you! SPIKE: (enters) I'm BAAAACK! SVEN: I thought you weren't coming back. SPIKE: Well, yeh, but I wanted to watch Gag N Puke be a man. LANGLY: (glares) AUTHOR: Would all living people please line up for your shots? SPIKE: What shots? JOHN: She said LIVING, Evil Dead, you don't count. SPIKE: (shrugs and walks over to the Jawa snack stand) LANGLY: Shots? AUTHOR: Everyone, this is Betsy. She'll be playing King Charles, the monkey. She's the monkey from "Outbreak". JIMMY: Hey wait a minute. I saw that movie. JOHN: Besty, here, I'm told, carries African Motaba. A very unpleasant virus that will cause you to die rather horribly in two days. AUTHOR: Animals included, if you don't get vaccinated. Who's first? --Half the cast lines up-- JOHN: We ain't kiddin', people! --Twenty minutes later, after everyone on set has their shots, minus the vampires-- JIMMY: Hey, I got a role! AUTHOR: I have a star role coming up for you. We want to see how you act. LANGLY: (enters in costume) BYERS: Langly? ALL: (staring) LANGLY: I know, it looks stupid. DOT: (with her camera) Actually, it's not that bad. --Langly is missing his glasses, has his hair tied back and he has a mustache and a goatee-- HOOK: (to Peter) You and Jack are pirates. How ironic. PETER: Don't get your hopes up. They needed someone young for the part. That's the only reason Jack got it. SCULLY: (sitting with Sam and Mulder) Who's Scully? MURDOC: That would be me, darling. Can't you read? SCULLY: (flat look) AUTHOR: Bad guy...traitor. MURDOC: (smiles widely) MACGYVER: Well, I'm not surprised. JOHN: Are we ready to start? MOST OF THE CAST: (Including Langly and Nikki) NO! THE SPOOF *************** AUTHOR: Nikki is dressing and Jimmy is in bed. JIMMY: But I thought you and I were forever....I want you so badly. JOHN: He's good. JIMMY: (beams proudly) NIKKI: (continues dressing) FRANK: (from outside) NIKKI!!! JIMMY: But then so does the Governor of Port Royal, who will pay well for the capture of Nikki Adams, the Pirate. (levels a gun on her) NIKKI: You knew who I was? JIMMY: It's in the script. I just thought it would be better if I took my pleasure first. CHRIS: Smart man. SVEN: (elbows him) NIKKI: You are heartless, Lieutenant. JIMMY: My apologies, Senorita. NIKKI: But you ARE right. I found it much more amusing this way, too, since I knew that you knew. (motions to his gun) By the way, that won't work. (holds her hand out to Betsy, who hands her two small lead balls) You see, I took your balls. FROHIKE: They're smaller then I thought. ALL: (laughing) JIMMY: (directs a flat look at Frohike) That's not funny. NIKKI: (completely dressed, motions to Betsy) BETSY: (jumps aboard her shoulder) NIKKI: (leaves the room to meet with Frank and Jack Banning outside) FRANK: (as they ride away) Your father sent for you two days ago! NIKKI: I know! I was coming! FRANK: He did not know this! He went looking for you! JACK: That's when Ardeth grabbed him! Lord knows what he's done to him! LUKE: You could just read the script! AUTHOR: Okay, next we have a lot of nothing while she rides out to the ocean, steals a boat, and rows up to where her father is, so we'll just go to Mister Med-jai! Ardeth? THE REAPER ******************* --The ship is crowded with pirates which include Macavity, Sabretooth, Jesse Colton, Tugger, and the real Med-jai warriors.--Munkustrap walks to the end of the extended plank. One of his feet has been tied to the anchor-- ARDETH: (pulls a piece of map out of a pouch around his neck) I stole this from our brother last week, unwillingly. That's his blood on the borders. With your piece, all I need is Alonzo's. MUNKU: Well, you're out of luck. I don't have it. ARDETH: Where is it then? With Nikki? MUNKU: I haven't seen her. ARDETH: I think you lie, Munku. MUNKU: I hid it. ARDETH: Progress. Where is it? MUNKU: (points to his head) Up here. ARDETH: (laughs) I always thought there was nothing in your head. Come on back here. I'm going to split you wide open. SVEN: He's a little.....into this, isn't he? AUTHOR: Maybe he wants an Oscar. HAN: Maybe he just wants to kill someone. He still has that lightsaber. JOHN: No, he has his own. We gave him one. SPIKE: Real smart. Give the madman a lightsaber. MURDOC: I know. Makes you wonder what's wrong with these people. (clips his OWN lightsaber to his belt and walks off) BYERS: Those two are friends, aren't they? AUTHOR: Ardeth and Murdoc had to work together for training for The Vampire Mummy. I guess they get along. Anyway, Nikki rows in her boat.....um, Jimmy? JIMMY: What? AUTHOR: Not you. Him. (points to a figure wearing a leather jacket) --The guy is roughly 23, like Chris Mason, average height, shoulder length black hair, two holes in his right ear, a red bandana tied around his head, and he is Japanese-Indian (high cheekbones and dark eyes)--**Jimmy Martinez is the lead of the biker gang/band, Danger Zone, and Chris Mason's best friend** JIMMY MARTINEZ: Hey baby, que pasta? CHRIS: Hey man! JIMMY M: Hey Chris. Hi Mike! MURDOC: (waves) AUTHOR: You're late. JIMMY M: Sorry baby, bike trouble. You have a case for me, I believe. AUTHOR: YO, Langly! LANGLY: What? AUTHOR: This is James Dean. LANGLY: Yeah right. JIMMY M: Dean's my middle name. My full name is James Dean Martinez....my mom had a thing for him. JIMMY: James DEAN!? I'm James BOND! JIMMY M: Cool, call me Jimmy. JIMMY: Likewise. NIKKI: (from her boat) Okay, who's getting confused here? --She and most of the cast raise their hands-- AUTHOR: Jimmy Martinez is my creation, like Chris. The two of them are going to be working with Langly. LANGLY: Why? JIMMY M: Just come this way, man. Like the hair, by the way. You got your ear pierced too? LANGLY: (flatly) No. CHRIS: (as they disappear into the green room) Is it true you can hack into Madonna's E-mail? JIMMY M: Do you guys really know where Jimmy Hoffa is? --The door closes behind them-- SVEN: Well, I think they're going to get along great. AUTHOR: Le'ts hope so. Guys? ARDETH: Where were we? JOHN: Munku jumps off the plank. MUNKU: I don't swim. AUTHOR: Don't worry. Nikki saves you. MUNKU: (sighs and jumps off the plank) NIKKI: (grabs him) FATHER!! SPIKE: Do you see any family resemblance at all? AUTHOR: Her father and one uncle are cats and her other uncle's from Egypt. It's a complicated family. Luke understands, right? LUKE: I am not related to a cat. JIMMY: But you ARE related to Darth Vader. JOHN: Spoof? Munku's drowning. AUTHOR: Right. He goes under and Nikki saves him, and now they're on the shore. 'Kay? NIKKI: Lie still, um...Father. MUNKU: What have I done to deserve this? NIKKI: What has any of us done? AUTHOR: Script! NIKKI: Ardeth will pay for this, I swear. MUNKU: You leave Ardeth be. There will be time for him later. Find your Uncle Alonzo. Take my crew and make them yours. NIKKI: Don't talk now. I'll get you back to your ship. MUNKU: I'll not see my ship again. The Morning Star is yours. NIKKI: Yu know, some of this is really stupid. AUTHOR: (shrugs) Yeah, but the boys need more time. JOHN: How do you know they're not just hacking into Jimmy Hoffa's E-mail or something? AUTHOR: Well, I wouldn't put it past them, but Jimmy's got a job to do and he'll do it. They'll read E-mail later. Nikki, just shave his head. MUNKU: WHAT!!?? WOLVIE: ALL RIGHT!!!!! SNAGGLETOOTH: Cool!!!! AUTHOR: You die anyway! SVEN: You don't mean Nikki's going to be running around with Munku's scalp, do you? AUTHOR: Notice there aren't any kittens on set? PETER: And you gave JACK a part in this? JOYCE: And DAWN!? SPIKE: Oh, come on, Joyce. It's not a big part, and not a lot of people die.....um, who dies anyway? JOHN: (reads the script) Munku, Ardeth, Alonzo, Giles, Frohike, Han, Jack Dalton, Luke, Sabre, Macavity, Jesse Colton, Tugger, and all the Med-jai. Then again, not all of these people have to die. It depends. PENNY: Are those the REAL Med-jai? AUTHOR: Of course. Ardeth is the Captain of a pirate ship, so almost all his crew is Med-jai. Plus we're killing a bunch of Neverland pirates, but don't worry, we're bringing them all back. Our med crew is Mungo, Teazer, Sam and Scully. SVEN: Plus Dr. Carter is on call. SPIKE: Besides, Dawn watched all those people get ripped up by raptors in the last one, and she was fine. It was only Langly who tossed his cookies. **Star Wars: Return of the Spoof, by Sven** JOYCE: And Buffy knew about this? JOHN: Uh-huh, and so did Giles there. GILES: Well, it's not really real death. Buffy died in Musketeers and she's fine.....more or less. JOYCE: (sits down) Just as long as nothing permanent happens. JIMMY: Well, I did hear that the guys who were eaten by the raptors-- (is cut off when the Author clamps a hand over his mouth) AUTHOR: And Peter, you're right with Jack the whole way and neither of you die. PETER: (sits down, satisfied) I suppose. JACK: I can STAY!!!! DAWN: (grins) AUTHOR: Okay, Nikkiy scalps Munku. On to Port Royal and Giles' party! We need Mulder, Giles, Dawn, and Langly, plus four other women. Sully, Penny, Joyce and Dru! JOHN: Are they done yet? AUTHOR: He'll be here. Anyway, we also need a bunch of assassins dressed as Red Coats! PORT ROYAL// GILES' PARTY ************************* MULDER: This is so not me. AUTHOR: You look fine. MULDER: I look like Captain Hook. HOOK: I resent that. SCULLY: Why does Captain Hook look and sound like Sam? SAM: Hey, I happen to think I look better. AUTHOR: Same person plays them in both movies, like Willis and Byers. WILLIS: (glances at Byers) I guess. JOHN: Can we start the party now? GILES: We need Langly. LANGLY: (enters) Over here. Do I have to dance? AUTHOR: With Dawn. DAWN: (in her dress) I don't do ballroom dancing. JOYCE: I want a copy of the pictures...um... DOT: Dot, and no problem. LANGLY: I don't do ballroom dancing either. AUTHOR: We are not using the Ramones. You'll just have to make the best of it! ACTION! DAWN: Who are the Ramones? AUTHOR: Not a clue. Ask Langly, now I said ACTION! LANGLY: Wait, do I have to wear one of those ugly Captain Hook wigs? HOOK: I resent that. JOHN: It's only for the one scene, depending on how long it takes. Mulder and Giles, however, have to wear theirs throughout the whole spoof. Now get to your places! GILES: (approaches Mulder) Miss Dawn Summers is standing alone there. Her father brings a fortune in investments to the colony. Dance with her. MULDER: (hiding a smile) She's a bit young for me, sir. LANGLY: (approaches Dawn) GILES: There you see, some other gentleman has taken the plunge. MULDER: (still smiling) Do we know him, sir? GILES: Well, I should HOPE you know him, he's one of your friends! AUTHOR: Script! GILES: (rolls his eyes) No, we do not. LANGLY: (to Dawn) There's every reason why I should be alone tonight, being a stranger here, but a woman with grace such as yours, should never be left unattended. DAWN: Now THAT'S a new pick-up line. LANGLY: I read it, I don't write it. Do you wanna dance? DAWN: Script says we have to. So are you working or do you just lay around? LANGLY: Well, I prefer to lay around, but I'm actually the best computer hacker in the country, and a reporter. DAWN: (nods) So do you really have Jimmy Hoffa's E-mail address? LANGLY: (gives a serious look) Yeah, but we don't give it out. AUTHOR: You're supposed to be a doctor. LANGLY: I am? FROHIKE: God help us. JOHN: (to Langly) Not really, but you tell her that anyway, then you steal her comb. LANGLY: I can't do that! AUTHOR: Pretend it's top secret Government information. LANGLY: (steals the comb) DAWN: Hey, that was great, I didn't even feel it! LANGLY: (grins) Later! (walks away) MULDER: (approaches him) You sir! LANGLY: Hey Mulder, how's it goin'? MULDER: Terrible. I look like a pansy. LANGLY: You too, huh? MULDER: Yeah, well at least you don't have to wear that wig through the whole thing. LANGLY: Yeah, well I gotta do lots of worse stuff. AUTHOR: Are you boys going to be getting to the script any time soon? MULDER: Alright already! Anyway, Dr. Langly, what ship did you come in on? Was it the Bristol Packet? LANGLY: Nah, Evil Author. MULDER: Doesn't surprise me. AUTHOR: If you two don't stop chatting and follow the script.... JOHN: We're calling Abominable and inviting Yves to watch! LANGLY: Yes, I believe that was it, although I can't be sure. MULDER: The reason I asked is that the Bristol Packet don't arrive until sometime next week. DAWN: (comes running up) That's the man! He stole my diamond comb! SPIKE: Dawn had a DIAMOND comb? Way to go, Langly! SCULLY: My watch! DRU: Someone stole moi bracele'! PENNY: MacGyver, my earrings are gone! JOYCE: Where's my necklace? LANGLY: I didn't do it! Well, I took Dawn's but only because the Author made me. ALONZO: (singing) It was Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer...... MUNGO & TEAZER: And there's nothin' a' all to be done abou' tha'!!!!!!!!!!! AUTHOR: Give it back. MUNGO: Bu'! JOHN: We do have two other medical people and Dr. Carter is on call. We can get rid of you. MUNGO & TEAZER: (return the loot, grumbling) AUTHOR: Anyway...(looks at Langly) LANGLY: Women! (takes off running) MULDER: Guards!!!!! --After the assassin guards catch Langly, Mulder pulls the wig from the impostor's head-- MULDER: (to Giles) His name's Langly, sir. GILES: I trust you'll enjoy life as a slave, Dr. Langly, whoever you are, because that's where you're going. Take him away. LANGLY: (as they drag him away) Hey, THEY didn't have to be slaves! (points at the two cats) JOHN: We're following the script. They aren't part of it. LANGLY: You know, this justice system really SUCKS! JOHN: End of scene. We go to the Morning Star, and Nikki is getting drunk while Frohike lays in a hammock nearby. AUTHOR: Also drunk. BYERS: No surprises there. FROHIKE: (glares) SCULLY & MULDER: (laughing) MORNING STAR ******************* FROHIKE: Come to London with me. Think of the freedom, the fun. Think of how fun it would be. Besides, these people aren't going to listen to you. NIKKI: They will! Watch this. You there! Stand to! BETSY: (looks at her) NIKKI: Hois' my pennant. BETSY: (picks up a bottle of Brandy) NIKKI: Bring it here. FROHIKE: (laughing) BETSY: (drops the bottle, breaking it) NIKKI: Ah, mutiny, will you? PORTHOS: Ooo, what a waste. JIMMY M: Personally, they didn't look like they needed any more. --This is interrupted by a loud female scream-- TINK: GET THIS ANIMAL AWAY FROM ME!!!!!!! POUNCE: Boingy! SVEN: Where'd he come from? AUTHOR: I thought I made it clear no kittens! PETER: Tink, over here! --Tinkerbell flies to Peter, where she settles on his shoulder-- AUTHOR: Pounce, Tink is NOT a bird, or a bug--Rufio--. RUFIO: (snickering) PETER: (elbows him) AUTHOR: (continues) And you were NOT invited this time! Now go home or I'll tell your mother you snuck in! POUNCE: (does the "Wolvie pout", before exiting) JIMMY: Is that the real Tinkerbell? RUFIO: No, she's a pod fairy, impersonating the real one. YAKKO: Here's your sign. (pins it to Jimmy's chest) JIMMY: Funny. (pulls it off) DOT: Well, it WAS a stupid question. AUTHOR: Real Tink, real Peter Pan, Captain Hook, Han Solo, Luke Skywalker, etc, etc. SVEN: She's not here. She's a kitten. AUTHOR: You get the point. Everyone's real. JOHN: Everybody got that? ALL: Got it! MUNGO: Is she the reason Pouncie wasn' invoi'ed? JOHN: One of them. MUNGO: Does she boi'e? TINK: (glares) JARETH: (snickers) TINK: No, I do not bite......but I WILL throw you through a wall if you make me mad. SPIKE: Weren't you in "Pretty Woman"? TINK: Listen, DEAD GUY! DON'T piss me off! JIMMY M: Wow, a fairy on PMS! AUTHOR: Why don't we just get back to the script? LANGLY: Where were we? JOHN: Nikki and Frohike were drunk. AUTHOR: Pick it up where Frank walks in. FRANK: (shrugs and enters) I was hoping to find you sober, Nikki. NIKKI: I was hoping to be passed out by now, Mr. Colton. FRANK: Important things go on overhead, Nikki, you should be there. NIKKI: Yeah, I'm coming. (gets up) JOHN: Meanwhile, up on deck. --Murdoc stands in front of a crowd consisting of Neverland pirates, Porthos, Logan, Kurt, The X-Babies, Jack and Peter Banning, Han Solo, and Jack Dalton-- MURDOC: Black Munku's gone. For months, he brought us nothing. Now, we can either sell this rotten piece of bark and divy up, or you can choose me Captain! NIKKI: (steps up) I stand for Captain. My father wished it. As he died, he gave me this. (holds up the scalp with the map) WOLVIE: Hey! That's his scalp! Lemme touch it! SHOWER: Ewwww. NIKKI: It's a map. Cutthroat Island. More gold, jewels and plunder than you've ever dreamed of. HAN: I don't know. I can dream a lot. LUKE: Where've we heard that before? MURDOC: What does it say? WAKKO: Nothing, you have to read it. NIKKI: It says.....you read it. (hands it to Frohike) FROHIKE: Well, I can, but Langly's supposed to read it. It's in Perl script. AUTHOR: We knew Langly didn't know Latin, and since he's a computer nerd, we figured he'd know that. LANGLY: Thanks....I think. NIKKI: Then we will have it translated at once. PETER: Wouldn't it save us a lot of time if Frohike could just read it? JOHN: Yes it would, but the script says he can't. So follow the SCRIPT! NIKKI: My uncle Alonzo holds the second piece at Spittalfield. PIRATE 25: There's more than one piece? NIKKI: Yeah, didn't you read the script? There's three. WAGNER: Vhere's zhe third piece? NIKKI: Ardeth Bay has it. MURDOC: You're screwed. NIKKI: We'll fight him for it. Two ships against one. You should like them odds. Ask yourselves. What would Munku have done? MUNGO: Avoided the 'ole mess. ALL: (laughter) FRANK: Mr. Porthos, you are quartermaster. You decide. PORTHOS: Well, according to the script, you're the Captain, so I don't really have much to say about it. YAKKO: Good point. NIKKI: (pulls a dagger and throws it into the mizzenmast) Let anyone who would challenge me draw that. JACK D: Ooo, let's not ever make her mad. AUTHOR: On to Port Royal....again. PORT ROYAL *************** --Nikki is dressed up in a gown. Frank and Jack Banning are dressed as escorts. Frohike walks beside her-- FROHIKE: They're hanging the pirates. They're going to find you out. NIKKI: (holding her fan) Oh you worry too much. Don't I look alright? FROHIKE: No, you look great, trust me. It's just that I'm the only one who knows how to act like a gentleperson. VOICE FROM DOORWAY: Then how come you never do? ALL: (turn to look) WOLVIE: Who's that? YVES: What's going on here? JIMMY: Yves! The guys are acting! Isn't it cool? SPIKE: Where did she come from? AUTHOR: (shrugs) She's in the next one. She might as well stay. ALL: WHAT!? YVES: I'm WHAT!? JOHN: You'll figure it out. Just sit. JIMMY: (pulls a chair up next to him) Langly's about to be sold as a slave. Have a seat. YVES: (looks at him like he's insane, but sits) AUTHOR: Continue! Frohike has to go see his bookseller, and Jack says they've got a prisoner inside who can read those stupid symbols. NIKKI: Then we'll break him out. JACK: Unfortunately, Captain, I mean ma'am, he's about to be sold as a slave. NIKKI: (interested) A slave? JOHN: Prison! We need Xander and Langly! PRISON ********* LANGLY: (is seated on the floor of a cell, his back against the bars) XANDER: (with an evil grin) On your feet! LANGLY: (doesn't move) Ah, go jump off a bridge. XANDER: (swings his riding crop at Langly) LANGLY: (catches it and yanks it away) Anyone ever tell you not to hit people? (stands up and whacks Xander with the crop) XANDER: OW! Hey, that wasn't in the script! LANGLY: So I ad-libbed. Sue me. (hands the crop back) YVES: Impressive. MULDER: Exactly what did you boys DO in there? JIMMY M: The master never reveals his secrets. (slaps five with Chris) FROHIKE: Does it work while falling off a cliff? CHRIS: Wait and see, dude. There's a lot of scenes before that one. LANGLY: Can we continue now? I wanna see Nikki stab Xander in the butt. XANDER: (leans against the bars) I hope you enjoy pain, slave, because I intend to buy you. LANGLY: Yeah, uh-huh, whatever. --Nikki walks up with Frank and Jack, and Betsy, who is riding on her shoulder-- SPIKE: By the way, is the Yves chick dead or alive? LANGLY: Sometimes we wonder. YVES: That sounds like a rather stupid question. Do I look dead? SPIKE: Do I? Does Dru? DRU: (waves) SPIKE: We're vampires, luv. I was just askin' because if you wish to remain alive, you'll go to see the medical people. JOHN: Good point. Sam? SAM: (to Yves) Only a shot, ma'am. YVES: For what? JIMMY: African Motaba. The monkey has it, and it can kill you. YVES: (after much protest, takes the shot) AUTHOR: Continue to when the four approach the cell. LANGLY: (shrugs) Good morning, madam. As you can see, I'm young. I know computers and I write a fine hand. NIKKI: I hear you can read these funny symbols. LANGLY: Perl. NIKKI: Whatever. LANGLY: Yeah, no problem, what'cha got? NIKKI: (hands him a piece of paper) Read that. LANGLY: (looks at it) Frohike wrote this, didn't he? You don't want me to read that. NIKKI: Ahem? LANGLY: (whispers in her ear) NIKKI: (marches over to the Peanut Gallery and slaps Frohike) Pervert. ALL: (laughing) AUTHOR: They walk away and then we go to the auction. SLAVE AUCTION ****************** JOHN: Okay, they're all waiting for Mungo to announce Langly while Frank is looking around making sure nobody sees Nikki. AUTHOR: They have a couple before Langly, but we'll skip them. Mungo? MUNGO: Nex' we 'ave lo' twen'y two! A compu'er nerd,-- LANGLY: Ahem. MUNGO: Sorry, an 'acker, a repor'er, an' a doctah. Being of value, we'll star' the biddin' a' five pounds. NIKKI: (starts to raise her hand) XANDER: I bid five pounds. LANGLY: (looks uneasy) NIKKI: Ten pounds. LANGLY: (looks hopeful) XANDER: Fifteen. FRANK: (moves away from Nikki and approaches Xander) A word to the wise..........Let the lady win. NIKKI: Twenty pounds! XANDER: Well I'd like to, but I have to follow the script. Author's really glaring over there. Twenty five pounds! LANGLY: Fish, dude. --Langly and Mungo are playing cards on the platform-- MUNGO: (looks up) Oh yeh, anyone else? NIKKI: Thirty pounds! LANGLY: Any fours? XANDER: Madam, I will have this man at any price, mainly because it would be cool to toture him. YVES: Better take a number FROHIKE: (snickers) XANDER: Thirty five pounds. LANGLY: Should I be flattered? They're fighting over me. MUNGO: No kiddin', an' one of 'em's a guy! SPIKE: Well this is a new side of Xander. DAWN: Cool, wait until I tell Buffy. JOYCE: I think I'll stay out of this one. XANDER: Funny. NIKKI: (approaches Xander, pulling a knife from her fan) JACK: Uh Captain? Not a good idea. AUTHOR: Meanwhile, as this happens, one of the Red Coat assassins sees Nikki and points to her "wanted" poster. Then they start to get all ganged up. XANDER: (as Nikki approaches) Do we have to do this? ALL: YES! XANDER: (sighs) I hope the lady is prepared to be a good loser. NIKKI: What gave you the idea that I was a lady? --She stabs him in the rear with her knife-- XANDER: (jumps) Ow! MUNGO: You sir! I see your lips moving. Another bid? LANGLY: He needed it. You know all that "I'm the bounty hunter" stuff. MUNGO: Yep. XANDER: Are you trying to kill me? NIKKI: Yes. That's why I'm aiming where your brains are. SPIKE: That one hurt. MURDOC: I think it's funny. NIKKI: Now get lost. XANDER: (leaves, muttering) This really sucks. First they threaten to shoot me where it counts, then they talk about feeding me to raptors, now I get stabbed in the ass. There is no justice. MUNGO: Wimp! LANGLY: (snickers) NIKKI: Forty pounds to end the bidding. MUNGO: Sold to the lady with the monkey! Good game, by the way. LANGLY: Anytime, man. AUTHOR: Okay, they have Langly and are worried about escaping. FRANK: Enemy to leeward, Captain. JACK: Starboard as well, Captain. LANGLY: Great, I escape a weird kid only to be killed anyway. NIKKI: Time to leave. You draw them away we'll meet at the crossroads. Take Betsy. FRANK: Aye. --Betsy jumps on Jack's shoulder, as he and Frank run for the horses.-- JOHN: Anyway, Nikki and Langly run into more guards and they run. --Nikki drags Langly by his cuffs, hits a group of assassins with a shovel, and the two continue running-- ASSASSIN: It's Nikki Adams, she's at the Auction. Shoot to kill! --Langly watches Nikki fight until she once again drags him away-- LANGLY: If I'm in some way the cause of this, which I doubt, I apologize at once. AUTHOR: Nikki drags Langly to a construction elevator-- LANGLY: THAT is an elevator? JOHN: In this time period it is! NIKKI: Hang on! And try to keep up with me. (she slashes the rope on the counterweight.) --The two of them shoot upward.-- LANGLY: You know I don't really like heights. NIKKI: (innocently) Then let go. AUTHOR: At the top, she drags Langly along, out running more guards. Meanwhile, Giles? GILES: Lieutenant Mulder! MULDER: Yes sir? GILES: What's going on? MULDER: Something with Langly, I believe. Not surprising. JOHN: Up on the roof. LANGLY: I don't mind exercise, but you owe me an explanation! NIKKI: (shoves him toward the scaffolding) We need to climb down here! FAST! (pushes him onto it) --The scaffolding is weak and they fall through each level all the way to the ground.-- LANGLY: Was that fast enough? --Nikki rips off the bottom half of her dress, revealing a pair of black combat pants.-- NIKKI: RUN!!!!! ( pushes him toward Giles' carriage) MURDOC: We've certainly had a lot of people carriage jacking, haven't we? JOHN: Can't say we aren't consistent. SVEN: Well we'd have car-jacking, but we keep having spoofs that are either in space or in the past. SPIKE: Dot stole a motorcycle....**Dot: The Vampire Slayer** LANGLY: (sees Nikki) Hey, who said she could wear those? AUTHOR: Only for the chase. GILES: (walks out as the carriage takes off) My bloody carriage. Mulder! I'll have it back. MULDER: (rides up with another guard) This is getting tiring. GILES: You! Off! ASSASSIN GUARD: (jumps off the horse) GILES: (jumps on) MULDER: Don't worry, sir, he won't get far. --He and Mulder ride off after the carriage-- JOHN: And back to the jackers! --The carriage races through the street, Nikki shooting assassins left and right.-- LANGLY: Hard to imagine what part of your life requires me to read Perl. NIKKI: (hands him a gun) Reload! --Mulder and Giles are gaining and an assassin jumps on top of the carriage-- LANGLY: We've taken a passenger! NIKKI: (hands him the reins) Here! (she moves to the back to beat the assassin up) SPIKE: That is so hot! AUTHOR: Down boy! --Giles and Mulder are still chasing the carriage on horses. Nikki finishes the assassin and throws him off the carriage.-- JOHN: Meanwhile, one of the Neverland pirates rows up to another ship outside the town. PIRATE: Captain Hook sir! Captain Hook! HOOK: What is it? PIRATE: It's Nikki Adams! HOOK: (looks over at the town to see the carriage) AUTHOR: Back to the carriage..... LANGLY: (watching her take the reins) You're more....active than any woman I've known. SPIKE: You don't say. SVEN: No he did say.....we all heard him, yes we did. SPIKE: Seek help. SVEN: Why? SPIKE: Nevermind. --Giles, Mulder and more assassins are now gaining on them. Hook watches through a telescope while two more assassins jump aboard the carriage. Nikki beats them up while Langly drives. Up in front of them, a line of Jawas come dancing in, chanting in "dink-dink". Langly stares at them and steers the horses toward a building, missing the Jawas.-- LANGLY: Nikki! Watch your head! --They go under a low archway.--The assassins fall off and Nikki jumps on the roof of the building and in through a window.--Mulder and Giles can't stop fast enough and ride into the Jawas, scattering their food all over the ground.-- PORTHOS: Again, what a waste. SPIKE: I say we make them pick it back up. MUNGO: Me too. AUTHOR: While they clean up the mess, Nikki runs through the shop while Langly drives underneath knocking over merchant's carts the whole way. SVEN: (yelling) If you don't like my driving, GET OFF THE SIDEWALK! ALL: (laughing) JOHN: On the other side, Nikki jumps through another window, landing in the seat next to Langly. NIKKI: I must visit that shop again, when I have more time! HOOK: Master gunner, fire at will! --The pirates shoot their cannons at the town.-- LANGLY: A ship! I find myself being fired upon by an entire ship! PHYRO: Yeah yeah!! Blow it up!!! (sets a roof on fire) MURDOC: I like that kid. MACGYVER: You would. AUTHOR: Anyway, they outrun the blasts. LANGLY: (looks back) You've certainly left your mark on this town. NIKKI: (laughs) --Giles and Mulder stop at the wall of flame.-- GILES: Mulder! Do you want to spend the rest of your days on this poxey island? Who was that woman? MULDER: Nikki Adams, sir. You have a hundred pounds on her head. WAKKO: How does she hold her head up? AUTHOR: Shhhhh! GILES: Black Munku's girl. Well she's certainly made a fool out of me, hasn't she. SPIKE: (to Chris) Like he needed HER to look like a fool. CHRIS: Don't look at me, I'm still seeing flashes of him in that dress. GILES: Ahem. CHRIS: (Cheesy grin) GILES: (to Mulder) Two hundred pounds and a Captaincy for you if you find her for me. MULDER: Whatever you say, sir. JOHN: Meanwhile, they meet up with Jack and Frank outside of town. NIKKI: (whoa's the horses) FRANK: Any difficulties? NIKKI: Nothing unusual. I have worked with MacGyver and dealt with Murdoc. SVEN: 'Nuff said. NIKKI: (to Langly) Step down into the carriage. (turns to Frank and Jack) Take the reins we should make Spittelfield by dark. FRANK: Aye. IN THE CARRIAGE **************** --Betsy rides in the window while Nikki and Langly sit facing each other.-- NIKKI: What is your name anyway, slave? LANGLY: I am called Langly, Madam, Dr. Langly, in fact. NIKKI: Slave. I am about to show you something. Reveal it to any man and you will wish you were back in Fort Royal with your head on the block and the axe in the air. (digs into her under ware) LANGLY: Tell me she's not serious. NIKKI: (pulls out the map) Translate what's written there. LANGLY: (holds it between two fingers and wrinkles his nose) Yuck! You're SICK woman! (drops it back in her lap) SPIKE: Hasn't changed much. SVEN: At least he didn't throw up. AUTHOR: Langly, you have to touch it. LANGLY: (looks at the Author like she's insane.) JIMMY M: Oh quit bein' such a GIRL! LANGLY: (looks insulted and takes the map) What is it, a pigskin? NIKKI: Yeah sorta, just read. LANGLY: First, we discuss terms. I do so and you set me free; --Nikki smiles and pulls out a knife. Without hesitation, she pokes it at Langly's groin.-- LANGLY: OW! Geez woman I was KIDDING!!!! NIKKI: (smiles) Following the script! ( looks down at the knife's blade reflecting the words on the map) They're backwards! ALL: (incoherent laughter) LANGLY: (insulted) They are not either! NIKKI: The words on the MAP! They're written backwards! LANGLY: Oh, okay. Right (reading) "Cliffs of Blood." Ew, that sounds gross. SPIKE: Yummy! JOHN: Back in town! Frohike is with Mulder and Giles! PORT ROYAL ***************** FROHIKE: (to Mulder) Who is this fellow now? MULDER: He's a great admirer of your work. FROHIKE: He's one of our readers? Now that' a new one. MULDER: His Excellency (gags) Governor Giles? Melvin Frohike the author. Currently the Chronicler of "Piracy" and "The Lone Gunman." GILES: Step up sir. Always a pleasure to meet a literary man. FROHIKE: I'd just as soon walk. GILES: I insist......I can do that, you know. I still have the Dark side of the Farce. FROHIKE: (joins Giles) AUTHOR: Back to the carriage! LANGLY: (is reading the map) "When the earth and all its people quake......Psalm number 75. My bones suffer mortal agony. Number 42. NIKKI: And? LANGLY: That's all. NIKKI: No position, no parallel? LANGLY: I swear it, ma'am, that's all that's here. JOHN: And Nikki makes a face and we're back to Giles. GILES: Piracy, Mr. Frohike, is the scourge of these plantations. I, therefore, give rather high rewards for the capture of certain pirates, including Nikki Adams. FROHIKE: I don't know who she is. CHRIS: Lie.....Big lie. MURDOC: Yep. GILES: Mulder tells me you move throughout the pirate world, collecting your little tale. If by chance, you come across her, you might pass along a little message from me, that I offer her two choices. One, a gory death on the gallows like we did to Spike twice only she'll really die..... FROHIKE: And the second? GILES: That she might cut me in for some of her father's treasure...or she winds up as dinner for crows, and I could decide you're a pirate too. NIKKI: I'd rather die. FROHIKE: I get the point, but we don't betray the confidence of our sources. SVEN: He's better then the real guy. GILES: Good day, Mr. Frohike. AUTHOR: On to Spittalfield. SPITTALFIELD HARBOR, JAMAICA ****************************** --Nikki and Langly exit the carriage and Frank and Jack climb down form the front.-- The town is violent and loud with fights and other nasty things going on all around them.-- They enter the tavern where Alonzo and his men are living.-- PETER: You're taking my son into a BAR?! SVEN: He's not drinking! They're just scooping the place out! AUTHOR: As they walk through the entry, Sabre peeks out from behind a corner, watching them. Then Jack, who has gone ahead to scope the scene, returns to Nikki. JACK: Alonzo's up there, scared as a goose. He's surrounded by guards, back to the wall, pistols out. NIKKI: He's expecting Ardeth. FRANK: If there are any of Ardeth's men around, they will see you. SABRE: I already have, and I'm telling. LANGLY: Snitch. SABRE: Girl. LANGLY: Hairball. SABRE: Puke pot. LANGLY: Freak. SABRE: Takes one to know one. AUTHOR: Script! Dru! Get in here! LANGLY: Oh, not her again. JACK: (to Nikki) Alonzo's guards won't let you get close. DRU: (walks in wearing a barmaid's dress.) NIKKI: (approaches her) Hey! (looks at her dress) How much? DRU: (stares at her like she's insane.) WHA'?! CHRIS: Get the camera! SPIKE: I heard that! SVEN: Perverts. NIKKI: Come with me. (leads her away) --After a few minutes Nikki re-emerges, wearing Dru's dress.-- NIKKI: (to the guys) Stay put. (approaches the bar.) MACGYVER: (as the bar tender) Help you? NIKKI: (smiles) Going to see the boss. He sent for me. SVEN: This isn't in the movie. AUTHOR: It's in the book. Keep going. MACYVER: I suppose even an old cat has his needs. CHRIS: Guess I'm not the only pervert. AUTHOR: Story! NIKKI: (walks up the stairs) BYERS & RUFIO: (meet her at the top) --Rufio is wearing an eye patch and his hair is hanging to his shoulders.--Byers is dressed similar but without the eyepatch.-- RUFIO: Where do you think you are going? NIKKI: Mac sent me, and said the old cat has his needs. AUTHOR: Skip the frisking! I don't want a lot of sex content! We have enough! SPIKE: Spoilsport. AUTHOR: It's MY spoof! BYERS: (shrugs and goes to see Alonzo) You in the mood for a whore, Captain? ALONZO: Show her in. NIKKI: (enters his area) ALONZO: Wait a minute, I know you. You're not a whore. NIKKI: (releases the safety on her gun) Call your men, and it's the last sound you make. ALONZO: You're Munku's girl...you always was trouble, blast you. What do you want here? NIKKI: I've brought my father's map. (moves to pull it out of her underwear) ALONZO: You have the map? What about the ship? NIKKI: She's mine. Here, look at what I'm doing. (holds out the map) ALONZO: That's disgusting. NIKKI: (lays it down in front of him) Is this not fine? ALONZO: You're running around with Munku's scalp in your knickers. I still think it's disgusting. NIKKI: I'm not afraid of Ardeth and I'm half your age and nowhere near the sailor. ALONZO: Actually, I'm only five and I don't sail at all. AUTHOR: Script! ALONZO: (rolls his eyes) You shame me, lass. I don't like that. NIKKI: Then do it. Prove me wrong! Get up and fight! ALONZO: Never did believe in that place. It's probably not even real. NIKKI: This treasure is ours.....or would be, if you were an Adams. YAKKO: Are they part of the Addams Family? SPIKE: That would explain a lot. Look at them. They do make a pretty strange family. AUTHOR: Story! Or I'll put Clefairy in this! CHRIS: (screams in horror) NOOOOOO. KEEP IT AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALONZO: (hastily) There's no water in Adams' blood. I'll do it. I'll join with you. --The two shake hands and step outside the room.-- ALONZO: Just like Munku, mine's well hidden. --Before he can lead her down, a chain wraps around her neck and pulls her over the railing where she lands on the floor, losing her gun.-- MACAVITY: ( pulls his chain off) Unfinished business from the other night, Nikki. ARDETH: (approaches with his hand around Alonzo's throat) ALONZO: I knew you'd bring him here, Nikki, blast you. ARDETH: (grabs hold of Nikki) Nikki, in sweet memory of bouncing you on my knee as a little girl, I'm going to ask you just once for your daddy's piece of the map. (holds up a machete) MURDOC: Isn't she older than him? AUTHOR: Shhhhh. NIKKI: Would you settle for the point of my cutlass? ARDETH: I knew you'd say something like that.......and then we'd fall to oaths and bloody threats. I know just the thing...(to Macavity) hold her. --Ardeth steps over to the barrels in the corner and pulls out an eel. It is gray and slimy and snaps it's jaws at Nikki's face-- ARDETH: This says it all, Nikki. Viciousness, pain, mutilation......my coat of arms. NIKKI: Ugly, slimy and it even looks like you. AUTHOR: Lie, big lie. --As Ardeth is busy with the eel. Langly removes the cap of one of the pirate Med-jai's gunpowder horn. The gunpowder spills out, leaving a trail. Jack Banning sees this and quietly tosses Langly a candle, which Langly promptly drops in the gunpowder. The powder ignites and the flame burns like a fuse. In no time, there is a loud explosion. Ardeth drops the eel, Nikki breaks free and a war breaks out-- Author: End section one! Take a break, People! NEXT PART FOLLOWS "PHANTOM PART ONE" Don't ask. This is the way I wrote them. Don't worry, it gets better..... AND WE ARE ONCE AGAIN BACK WITH CUTTHROAT. NOW WE FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED TO ARDETH, WHAT DID THE AUTHOR WANT HIM TO DO? (WASN'T THAT OBVIOUS?) ANYWAY....HOW LONG DO YOU THINK IT WILL TAKE TO DRIVE THE MUMMY INSANE? WE SHALL SEE.......... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CAST CHANGES ******************* MR. BLAIRE..................Imhotep (The Mummy) NEW PEANUT GALLERY MEMBERS ***************************** Rick O'Connell, Evelyn O'Connell, and Johnathan Carnahan. (The Mummy) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BEFORE THE SPOOF CONTINUES **************************** AUTHOR: Where is Ardeth? He's three bloody hours late! JOHN: If he has no injuries, tell the med-crew to stand by. ARDETH: (enters) I'm BACK! AUTHOR: (doesn't turn around) You'd better have a good excuse, Mister Med-jai! JOHN: (stares at Ardeth) Eh, turn around, Cassi. AUTHOR: (turns to look) Okay, you're forgiven. ARDETH: (sets Jigglypuff down on the floor--he has a brand new happy-face on his forehead) JIGGLY: Jigglypuff! ARDETH: She put all the mummies to sleep along with everyone else. IMHOTEP & EVELYN: (step into the light) --Evelyn's face is a rainbow of colors, and Imhotep has drawings, not only on his face, but on his shiney bald head as well-- ALL: (laughing) ARDETH: Your blue Pharaoh passed out in the entry, and the others will be along shortly. AUTHOR: Med-crew, get Wagner! Glad you boys could make it back. EVELYN: What is going on and where can I wash this off? SVEN: Must say Jiggly did a beautiful job on the Mummy. IMHOTEP: (rolls his eyes and looks pointedly at Ardeth) ARDETH: (steps up to the Author and whispers in her ear) AUTHOR: Is that ALL!? ARDETH: (nods) AUTHOR: Done! Imhotep, speeders are over there, and you can pick one, and Luke will set you up with a lightsaber. LUKE: Do I have to? AUTHOR: Yes, and Imhotep? IMHOTEP: (turns back) AUTHOR: Get your costume. Porthos cancelled out. Consider yourself assimilated. SVEN: (puts her arm around him) Sold yourself pretty low, didn't you? IMHOTEP: (ignites the lightsaber Luke has handed him, and grins) XANDER: Just what we need. Another madman with a lightsaber. ARDETH: He also wishes to see some of the older spoofs, the one about him, in particular. AUTHOR: Not a problem. Get your costumes. ARDETH: (shows him out) EVELYN: What is going on? Where's Rick? Who are you people? LANGLY: Bathroom's over there, hon. (points) JIMMY M: Gettin' better, man. Nice job. EVELYN: (glares and exits toward the bathroom) JOHN: Are we about ready to start? SVEN: It's a shame Imhotep wasn't around for The Phantom casting. He looks just like Kit in his face. MULDER: He still could be. IMHOTEP& ARDETH: (re-enter in costume) MULDER: (continues) Then he can deal with that insane horse. IMHOTEP: (stares at Ardeth) ARDETH: You don't want to know. AUTHOR: If Imhotep played Kit, he'd have to wear a toupee'. ARDETH: (looks from the Author to Imhotep, then starts laughing incoherently) AUTHOR: What? Wha'd I say? --Rick, Jonathan, Murdoc, and Spike enter, their faces also covered in drawings-- AUTHOR: So you two met Jigglypuff, did you? RICK: That pink thing? That is scary. What's wrong with Ardeth? SVEN: Nothing, he's laughing. RICK: (glares) I meant why is he laughing? SVEN: Oh, that. The Author mentioned Imhotep in a toupee'. RICK: (frowns and starts laughing) JOHN: All not involved in the cast, sit down! Ardeth? You're holding Alonzo! Nikki get up there. War breaks out in the tavern and Imhotep needs a rocket launcher! RICK: You're giving him WHAT?! SVEN: Murdoc is just letting him borrow it. No big deal, really. We use them all the time. JONATHAN: I told you it was a mad house. AUTHOR: Thank you. Boys.....and Nikki ACTION! THE SPOOF CONTINUES ********************* AUTHOR: Where were we? SPIKE: Explosion...............war. JOHN: Okay, the war breaks out! Everyone fight. ARDETH: (holding onto the back of Alonzo's neck) We stay close. We're family. RICK: (stares) What's wrong with this picture? EVELYN: What in the world is he doing? JOHN: Sit down and shut up. AUTHOR: Continue the war, everyone! NIKKI: Jack, back to the ship. Bring the men. Hurry! JACK: (runs off with Betsy) LANGLY: Nikki! (tosses her a sword then grabs his own and starts fighting) MULDER: Impressive. JIMMY M: Taught him everything he knows. LANGLY: (while fighting) Do you think you could maybe unlock these now?(holds up the chains on his arms) Given the circumstances? NIKKI: (also fighting) I don't have the key here. LANGLY: Well where is it? NIKKI: They never gave me one. LANGLY: Figures. ARDETH: (holding a sword to Alonzo's chest.) The map! Tell me where it is, or I'll run you through! IMHOTEP: (watches with a small smile) JONATHAN: See? I told you he was crazy. --Frank pushes a man into the barrels containing the eels. One barrel splinters into pieces. Alonzo looks at it, distracted. Another Med-jai is pushed into Ardeth's arm, causing him to run Alonzo through. Alonzo falls to the floor.-- ARDETH: (grabs the Med-jai) You killed my brother. (runs the Med-jai through) --Rick, Evelyn, and Imhotep all stare in shock.-- SVEN: (watches Ardeth with interest) Mr. Med-jai has gone bye-bye. SPIKE: Crying shame really. Another victim of spoof-acting insanity. JOHN: And on his first star roll, too. AUTHOR: We have that effect on people. Continue the war. JOHN: Okay lets see. Alonzo crawls through the crowd to the barrel where the eels are biting him. Nikki is fighting and Langly is watching Alonzo. --Nikki is fighting with Macavity and punches him off the table. Then she runs to the end and jumps off to turn and face Ardeth. She gasps and jumps onto a barrel.-- ARDETH: I saw that, little niece. NIKKI: (knocks some smaller barrels in front of him) ARDETH: (knocks them out of the way) I remember when you were a little girl. You always flinched when you saw your Uncle Ardeth. Where's the map? (yelling) Give me the MAP! AUTHOR: Note to self. Ardeth deserves Oscar. NIKKI: (climbs up to the second floor and stands in front of the banister, sword fighting) LANGLY: (watches Alonzo grab a piece of wood from a barrel before he dies, then grabs the wood, placing it in his shirt.) NIKKI: (stares down at him) ARDETH: (follows her gaze and sees Langly take off up the stairs) --Ardeth looks back up at Nikki to see her jump from her position and swing to the other side of the room on the chandelier.-- RUFIO: (comes out in front of her) NIKKI: Sweatheart! I promised I'd take care of you. (throws him over the banister) Bye! RUFIO: (flies out of the way of the battle) Man, that chick has problems. ARDETH: (pulls a gun and shoots her) SVEN: She has more now. NIKKI: (grabs her side and turns to see Langly sword fighting) Very pretty, Mr. Langly. LANGLY: Thank you, ma'am. I had the great privilege to be taught by the authors. NIKKI: That's great. Now stop diddling and kill the man. LANGLY: Kill him? Bless me, we never got to that part. NIKKI: (grabs his arm and causes him to run the Med-jai through) LANGLY: Oh I see.........(covers his mouth and runs off set) NIKKI: (glares at Jimmy M) JIMMY M: Still working the bugs out. AUTHOR: Okay, they get outside on the second floor and are cornered when......... --Imhotep, with Peter, Logan, Kurt, and Jack B, fires a rocket launcher, blowing the Med-jai pirates up so Nikki can escape-- RICK: (to the Author) I can't believe you let him have that. XANDER: I can. You don't know her well. She always gives the maniacs the weird weapons. JOHN: She does not. Murdoc does. AUTHOR: Anyways, after they trash the place, they get away, and Nikki figures out the Psalms on the map are actually the longitude of Cutthroat Island. LANGLY: (as they race back to the ships) Congratulations Madam. There's another town you've destroyed. NIKKI: (laughs) JOHN: Cut and print! Next scene! We go to the Morning Star! MORNING STAR ************** --Imhotep is shouting orders to the men in ancient Egyptian.-- AUTHOR: Mr. Mummy! Can you speak English? Most of us can't understand a word you're saying! IMHOTEP: Whatever. SVEN: He's doing good already. FROHIKE: (to Nikki) You've been in a fight . Are you alright? SVEN: Nice to know Bob isn't the only one who can rhyme on set. **Bob played Fizzick in the Princess Bride Spoof** MISTO: Hey, I can too, I played Inigo. NIKKI: (glares) Are you guys done? SVEN&MISTO: (stick their tongues out.) AUTHOR: (yelling) SCRIPT!!! NIKKI: (to Frohike) It's just a scratch. (points at Langly) Someone cut off his chains! LANGLY: (looks around) Nice ship. AUTHOR: Meanwhile on the Reaper! THE REAPER ************ ARDETH: (climbs aboard) Why aren't I moving? SVEN: Because you're stopped? ARDETH: (glares) SVEN: What? AUTHOR: Script! ARDETH: (walks across the deck) Did you hear me Mr. Sabretooth? I said, "Why aren't I moving?" SABRE: The anchor's fouled, Captain. ARDETH: Cut it loose. SABRE: Aye aye, sir. TUGGER: We can't leave yet, sir. We don't have enough food on board. ARDETH: (turns toward him) We need less mouths. (shoots him) --All Med-jai and additionals stare at him-- ARDETH: Does no one hear me on this ship? I said CUT IT LOOSE!!!!! (cuts the rope with a lightsaber) AUTHOR: Mungo! You have to get Tugger now! MUNGO & TEAZER: (cart Tugger off the ship on a stretcher) This job is ge'in' annoyin'. AUTHOR: Meanwhile, on the Morning Star, Nikki is drinking out of a brandy bottle and pouring it over her gunshot wound while Betsy watches. --Nikki pulls out the chart and marks the line according to the longitude-- NIKKI: 75....42....11.... JOHN: The Reaper moves after the Morning Star. NIKKI: (has changed her clothes and brought the chart up to the main deck) Let me show you the chart. --Imhotep, Frank, Langly, and the others come to look-- NIKKI: The line I plotted runs through here. Crooked Man's Key. Cutthroat can't be far off. Look at it here. (points) "Reef and coral heads." Ardeth out-guns us, yes, but he's also bigger, which means he draws more water, doesn't it? IMHOTEP: (shrugs) NIKKI: We'll run him aground on the coral heads. We'll kill him there and take his map. FRANK: Aye. IMHOTEP: I would not think the Cheiftain of the Med-jai would be that stupid. AUTHOR: He isn't, now follow the script. NIKKI: (smears blood on the map and passes out) IMHOTEP & FRANK: (catch her) FRANK: She has a wound. We must take her below. FROHIKE: (follows with Langly) BELOW DECK ************ PETER: It's festering, that's why. (pulls a poker out of the fire) IMHOTEP: Can you take the ball out? PETER: Hard to say. Best to take her to the hospital, however, since we can't, we should seal her side with this hot poker. NIKKI & MACGYVER: You WHAT?! NIKKI: Get that thing away from me! I want a REAL Doctor! LANGLY: That's me. NIKKI: NO!!!! Call Dr. Carter! AUTHOR: Langly has to do it! It's in the script! NIKKI: Langly isn't a Doctor! AUTHOR: He is right now, so follow the script! LANGLY: No offense, gentlemen, but don't you think this job calls for a professional? FRANK: Let him through. He is a doctor. IMHOTEP: (rolls his eyes and moves, giving Langly on of his "Creepy Mummy" smiles) LANGLY: (looks nervous) I'll need surgeon's tools, hot water and clean packing. Some rum might help her pain. NIKKI: (looks uncertain) Screw this up and I'll splatter you across the deck. JARETH: I don't think that was in the script. CHRIS: Oh, let her improvise. It sounded good. IMHOTEP: (motions everyone out of the room) NIKKI: That means you as well, Frohike. FROHIKE: Try not to kill her, Langly. You're too good a hacker to splatter across the deck. LANGLY: Your confidence is overwhelming. AUTHOR: Okay, Langly is working on Nikki's side, and Nikki is drinking the rum from the bottle. NIKKI: OW! Clumsy swab! LANGLY: Sorry. NIKKI: I thought I was supposed to torture you! OW! Do you see it yet? LANGLY: Close....another minute. NIKKI: (takes another drink) LANGLY: Your father...two uncles each had pieces of the map. The treasure....it's large, I take it. NIKKI: The largest ever taken. Spanish gold ship. JONATHAN: Reeeaaaally!? RICK: (gives him a brainduster) Shut up. MUNGO: Yeh, I wanna 'ear more! NIKKI: OW! LANGLY: Sorry.....and a third uncle chases you.....and unusual family. SPIKE: We already knew that, mate. CHRIS: Yeah, her uncle and her father were cats and her other uncle's not only an Egyptian, but he's younger than her. They're already key for the Jerry Springer Show. LANGLY: (pulls the ball out) Success. NIKKI: (looks relieved) I've treated you cruel, haven't I? LANGLY: You've had a lot on your mind. NIKKI: And you did help me.....at the prison. LANGLY: And at the tavern. (places the bandage around her waist) NIKKI: Let's say, between us, that you have Alonzo's map. LANGLY: But I don't WOLVIE: Yes you do! We all saw you take it! NIKKI: Yes, I know, but pretend that you do. I was willing to go halves with him and his, and I would be willing to do the same with you and yours. LANGLY: You're saying that if I show you mine, you'll share yours with me? (leans closer) NIKKI: (whispers) Give. Me. The map. LANGLY: Give. Me. A kiss, first. --Before anyone can interrupt, Langly and Nikki are kissing-- MULDER: (whistles) JIMMY B: Way to go, Langly! NIKKI: (as they break apart--pulls him back for more) LANGLY: (accidentally touches her bandage) NIKKI: (grunts in pain, then pulls away) Map now. LANGLY: Well, you see, the thing is....I dont' have it. NIKKI: (flatly) Uh-huh. LANGLY: But that doesn't mean we can't keep talking about it. JACK: (steps into the room) NIKKI: (pushes Langly away) Talk to yourself. Yes, Mr. Banning? JACK: Mr. Imhotep's respects, Captain. The Reaper's five miles off, and closing. NIKKI: (jumps up and heads to put some clothes on) Mr. Banning, see that Mr. Langly gets a change of clothes. He's starting to stink. CHRIS: Oh, that was HARD! BETSY: (covers her nose) --After Langly has left, Nikki shares a piece of bread with Betsy-- NIKKI: He has it. AUTHOR: Very good. Next scene! On the Reaper, Ardeth is watching through the spy-glass. SABRE: She makes for Crooked Man's Key. ARDETH: She hopes to tear up our bottom on the coral. MACAVITY: Looks like we're in for a blow. Should we attack her now? ARDETH: No. We'll go around the islands in the dark, and ambush her on the other side at daybreak. You are clever, Nikki, but I will catch you. Uncle Ardeth will have his day. JOHN: Nightfall and the water is getting choppy. We have thunder and lightning....Storm? STORM: (creates a thunderstorm) MORNING STAR *************** NIKKI: (watching the storm with Betsy on her shoulder) FROHIKE: (walks up to her) First, Giles is chasing us, now, your Uncle's chasing us, and everybody's chasing us. I'm using this crap to write a best selling book, but I don't wanna put myself in any danger. NIKKI: (ignoring him) Put a stow in that sail, Mr. Imhotep, we don't want to lose it! IMHOTEP: Make fast the foresail! WAGNER: Aye sir! XANDER: Look, the Pharaoh takes orders from the Mummy. SPIKE: (elbows him) FRANK: Nikki, I cannot see the horizon. There is a storm heading this way...from the islands. SVEN: No! Really? How can you tell? NIKKI: We'll hold this course. FRANK: Aye. NIKKI: Imhotep, put an extra man on the helm. IMHOTEP: Pharaoh-elf! Up-helm! WAGNER: (bamfs to the helm) JOHN: Inside the Captain's cabin, Langly lights a candle and pulls out his piece of the map. LANGLY: (reading) "May cruel death leave victims immortal." AUTHOR: Then he figures out that the letters are Roman Numerals. LANGLY: M, C, D, L, V, I. 1456. 1-4-5-6. (looks at the map) Fourteen degrees latitude, five minutes, six seconds north.....(finds it) There's nothing there. NIKKI: (steps in) No, you were right. It's not on any charts. Where did you have it hidden? LANGLY: In the boat. Under the seaty thing. NIKKI: I knew you'd end up here at some point. This being the cheese and you being the rat. SAM: (suddenly steps in from med-lab) Where did these new people come from? AUTHOR: Ooops, I forgot. Sorry. Would the newbies go get your shots please? RICK: What shots? ARDETH: The ones that keep you from getting the disease the monkey's carrying. EVELYN: The monkey has a disease? JOHN: African Motaba. You die horribly in two days. Take the shot. JONATHAN: Well, I'm convinced. (holds out his arm) SVEN: Can Imhotep get it? AUTHOR: Better safe than sorry. --After the newbies have been vaccinated-- JOHN: Action! Nikki and Langly! LANGLY: Well, you see my problem, Madam. I'm basically a shallow man. NIKKI: And no doctor, either. Am I wrong? LANGLY: No, not really. I'm surprised you let me fiddle with your hip. RUFIO: That is so not the right thing to tell her, dude. RICK: No kiddin'. NIKKI: And no gentlemen, either. LANGLY: I wanted to be, but I was born poor, so I had to become a thief and a liar. NIKKI: Since you lie so easily, and since you are so shallow, I shall lie you in a shallow grave. Mr. Imhotep! LUKE: Are they gonna suck him dry, too? ARDETH: He's fully regenerated. He doesn't need to do that. IMHOTEP: But I CAN kill him. LANGLY: (cringes) Have you no charity? NIKKI: I brim with charity. I am charity's very soul, which is why I will maroon you in a rock the size of this table, instead of splattering your brains across my bulkhead, as you deserve. WOLVIE: Splatter his brains! PHYRO: Burn him alive! SNAGGLE: Cover him with honey and put him on an anthill! MURDOC: I could come up with a few good ones myself! JONATHAN: Morbid little children, aren't they? WOLVIE: (snikt) I can show you more. EVELYN: (pulls her brother back) Leave them alone. SVEN: Wise choice. AUTHOR: Story! NIKKI: Success, Mr. Imhotep. My slave has found Cutthroat Island. (to Langly) Mark it on the chart. LANGLY: (marks the chart) NIKKI: (to Imhotep) Take him below. LANGLY: You're not going to leave me alone with HIM!? JOHN: Oh PLEASE! He doesn't bite! AUTHOR: Much. IMHOTEP: (creepy Mummy grin, as he leads Langly away) SPIKE: You know, that smile's enough to scare anyone. RICK: Tell me about it. JOHN: While Nikki and Imhotep show Langly out, Frohike enters the Captain's quarters while Betsy watches. FROHIKE: Do I have to do this? I would NEVER rat off the government about anything. AUTHOR: You have to follow the script. FROHIKE: (sighs and sits down at the table) --He quickly writes the coordinates to the island on a piece of paper and hands it to Tinkerbell-- TINK: I can't believe I have to do this. Why do I have to play a BIRD!? AUTHOR: Because we only have one other bird on set, and he can't do it. JARETH: Actually, I probably could, I just don't want to. SARAH: Royalty is lazy. What can we say? TINK: (glares, takes the note and flies it to Giles) If I get struck by lightning, I'm coming back to KILL him! JOHN: Okay, Langly's tied up, hanging by his wrists, below deck, and the storm is getting worse. Everyone is soaked to the bone. NIKKI: (approaches Frank) I found it, Mr. Colton! I've fixed to island! I know where it is! It lies through the storm! IMHOTEP: (behind them) You risk your ship if you head for it! NIKKI: I risk Ardeth if I turn back! Shorten sail all you want, Mr. Imhotep! We head straight through it! --Imhotep and Frank look at her like she's insane and Murdoc stands a ways off with narrowed eyes-- NIKKI: Hold your course, men! (heads toward her cabin) --Below, Langly is working on freeing himself-- JACK: (to Han) Have you ever seen anything like this? HAN: I work in outer space, kid. No, I haven't! IN THE CAPTAIN'S QUARTERS ************************* --Nikki rushes in with Imhotep-- NIKKI: (points at the chart) I won't run! Look how close we are! --A gigantic wave hits the back of the ship, breaking the windows and drenching the whole room, putting out all the candles-- IMHOTEP: This ship will fall to pieces! NIKKI: It won't! We've been through worse with Munku! Have faith, Mr. Imhotep. Trust the ship! IMHOTEP: (shrugs) I am immortal. It is your life. JOHN: (mutters) Mummies. --Before Imhotep can reach the door, Murdoc and several others come bursting in. Murdoc holds a sword to Frank's back-- NIKKI: What is this? MURDOC: I'll not die in this storm for your pleasure, Carpenter. NIKKI: (grabs her gun) FRANK: Nikki! There are too many of them! NIKKI: Oh, like this storm could really kill YOU, Murdoc. MURDOC: Reading my script. NIKKI: (sighs) Murdoc, there's no great love between us, but don't do this. Look! (points at the chart) There's the island. It can't be more than two or three leagues off! MURDOC: (comes to look) BETSY: (chitters) NIKKI: (motions with her head) BETSY: (hides out of sight) MURDOC: (to the man holding the gun to Imhotep's head) Away the longboat. IMHOTEP: (frowns at the gun and breaks the hand of the guy holding it) AUTHOR: Bad Mummy! You're not supposed to do that! (to the Pirate) Go to Med-lab. JOHN: In the longboat, there are....Nikki, Frank, Imhotep, Jack Banning, Han Solo, Logan, Kurt, Peter Pan, Jack Dalton, Wolvie, and Phyro. WAGNER: Can ve beat Murdoc up latah? JOHN: Shut up, you're actually supposed to survive. PETER: Can we get a compass? MURDOC: You'll have no need of a compass where you're going. You're going nowhere but-- --He is cut off as a canoe with a load of Jawas goes past with one Jawa chanting, "Dink, dink, dink..." at the bow-- RICK: Can someone tell me what that just was? ARDETH: Jawas. We see them all the time. JONATHAN: Jawas.....okay. MURDOC: Um....(continues) Nowhere but DOWN! LANGLY: (finally succeeds in freeing himself and runs out on deck) --The longboat is in the water, and Nikki is yelling out orders to the men-- LANGLY: (yelling) NIKKI!! MURDOC: Somebody catch that computer nerd!!! LANGLY: I am starting to hate this movie. (jumps overboard) --Nikki and her crew don't see him and continue rowing-- AUTHOR: Okay, the boat crashes into a rock and they all fall in, and then it's morning and the storm's over. 'Kay? ALL: Got it. --Nikki and her crew are hanging onto floating pieces of the longboat--Everyone is coughing and gasping-- NIKKI: Frank, are you alright? FRANK: Aye. NIKKI: Banning? JACK: Yeah. NIKKI: Imhotep? IMHOTEP: I am immortal. PETER: We lost Solo and Dalton....literally. AUTHOR: Mungo? Bring those two back. We need them in the Phantom. MUNGO: (sighs disgustedly) BYERS: Make it snappy. He's my co-star. FRANK: (staring) Nikki! Look, you've got to see this! --An island is nearby. A large billboard reading, "Cutthroat Island, home of Fingers Adams' legendary buried treasure"-- NIKKI: It's Cutthroat! It must be! ARDETH: No! WOLVIE: How do you figure? WAGNER: Who put zhat zhere? AUTHOR: I did. (smiles) Thought it sounded good. LOGAN: Makes it easier to find, I guess. --They all stagger onto the beach, and enter the dense jungle, moving aside plants and snakes-- MURDOC: (makes a face) I'll stay on the ship. SVEN: Wuss. MURDOC: Yep. NIKKI: (passes a large lizard) Bring that lizard, Mr. Banning. We'll have it for dinner. LIZARD: (shrieks in horror and runs off, yipping) ALL: (Imhotep included--hysterical laughter) JACK: (makes a face) I'm not eating that. FRANK: (snickers) --The group continues walking-- JOHN: Back to the ships, The Reaper and the Morning Star. ARDETH: Gentlemen, we must thank Mr. Murdoc for bringing us the charts. (pulls out his piece of the map) But this is the only piece that shows the treasure sight....my piece. (kisses it) MED-JAI: (laughing) AUTHOR: At the cliff-top over the bay, Nikki's group is looking out at the ships. JACK: The Reaper! NIKKI: And the Morning Star! She still swims! IMHOTEP: The Med-jai must have caught him. NIKKI: (looks through the spyglass) That lowlife is friends with Ardeth. He must have made a deal with him. He betrayed my crew. No sign of Langly. PHYRO: Maybe he drowned. REAPER ******** ARDETH: Spread out. Search the whole island. Find me this cove...these cliffs. I'll wait ashore. --The Med-jai stand still a moment-- ARDETH: GO! --The group exits the ship-- NIKKI: He makes to go ashore. We'll follow him, get the map, and find the treasure. LOGAN: Such a detailed plan. NIKKI: Shut up. I'm the Captain, Freak-Boy. WOLVIE: Yeah, Hairy Freak. She's the Captain. NIKKI: Don't help me. AUTHOR: Back to Ardeth. ARDETH: Find me a suitable campsite. MACAVITY: Aye, Captain. (walks off) ARDETH: (to Murdoc) I'm grateful to you, Mr. Murdoc. MURDOC: My pleasure, sir. ARDETH: (grabs him) But if you are ever disloyal to me the way you were to Nikki, it will be my pleasure to cook you alive and eat you. JOHNATHAN, RICK & EVELYN: (stare) MURDOC: You're a little....into this, aren't you? ARDETH: It is entertaining, my friend...Now get out of my sight. MURDOC: (laughs, shakes his head, and leaves the ship) JOHN: Cut and print! AUTHOR: Beautiful performance, Ardeth. Langly, you alright? LANGLY: Yep. AUTHOR: Good, it's nightfall. you get to steal Ardeth's map. Ardeth? ARDETH: (looks up again) AUTHOR: Pretend you're asleep and try not to cut his hand off. ARDETH: (looks disappointed) LANGLY: (pales) Do I really have to do this? JOHN: Pretend it's a computer disk with all that governmental crap on it. LANGLY: That gets old. AUTHOR: It's a map to a fortune in gold. Do you want it? LANGLY: (sneaks into the camp) --The map is in a pouch that hangs from a cord around Ardeth's neck. Langly uses a dagger and cuts the cord, stealing the pouch-- ARDETH: You're not very good at this, you know. LANGLY: They made me do it. AUTHOR: Just take it and go. Ardeth, do you wanna do the spider thing? ARDETH: It wouldn't bother me, but since, I'm already awake, we can skip it. AUTHOR: Okay, he's stolen your map. Go for it! ARDETH: (suddenly screams at the top of his lungs, scaring, not only the entire Peanut Gallery, but causing all his Med-jai warriors to jump three feet in the air as well) NIKKI'S HERE!!! B**** STOLE MY MAP!!!!! AUTHOR: Ardeth, language!! ARDETH: It was in my script! AUTHOR: I missed one. Okay, we'll edit it out. Go on. --The Med-jai all jump up and start running around, following Ardeth's orders.--Nikki's group watches Langly run from the camp-- NIKKI: Langly. (turns to her men) Spread out. If he makes it out, we'll grab him. --The Med-jai move through the jungle with torches as Nikki and her men do the same-- NIKKI: (whispering) Langly? --Langly races through the jungle, holding the map in his hand. He looks at it as if making sure it is what it appears to be, before continuing his running--Nikki ducks down to hide as Ardeth, Sabre, and Macavity go by.-- ARDETH: I know you're here, Nikki. I can smell you. NIKKI: Are you implying that I stink? ARDETH: (looks down at her) Get back down. We're not supposed to see you. NIKKI: I do NOT stink. (moves back into the undergrowth) MACAVITY: (snickers and holds his nose as they pass) NIKKI: (glares) I'm gonna get that cat. AUTHOR: The search goes on as the sun comes up. Nikki is calling Langly. NIKKI: (whispering) Langly? Where are you? LANGLY: (finally answers) Nikki? NIKKI: Where? LANGLY: Help. NIKKI: There he is! --They round a corner and find Langly up to his waist in quicksand-- LANGLY: I wanna know why that wasn't in my script. JOHN: Obvious reasons. NIKKI: Where's the map? I know you have it. LANGLY: (pulls it out) Right here. NIKKI: Hand it over, or you're a dead man. LANGLY: (looks confused) Did you ever think that I might have taken it to give to you? NIKKI: Not for a second. Look at you. Sinking up to your waist and all you can do is lie. LANGLY: Well, it's completely true. I could no longer stand your opinion of me. NIKKI: Then give it over. LANGLY: I will, with all my heart...if you would be so kind as to pull me out first. NIKKI: Do you think i was born last Wednesday? Give it here, and then we will talk of rescue. LANGLY: I, of course see your point of view, but it works better for me if I'm on the hard part of the land first. --Behind Nikki's back, Imhotep rolls his eyes and looks at Peter, who shrugs. Wolvie sticks his finger up his nose, Phyro is trying to light the leaves on the ground on fire, and Logan and Kurt are playing cards. Only Jack and Frank seem interested in Langly.-- NIKKI: (stands watching a moment) You're up to your chest. LANGLY: What if I give it to you and you leave me here? It wasn't long ago, you spoke of marooning me. IMHOTEP & PETER: (join the card game) NIKKI: What if I pull you out and you swallow it or run away? You're beyond trusting. --This is when several Jawas dance through wearing leis, grass skirts, and Hawaiian shirts. Jesse Colton is in the middle--The men look up from their card game to stare, and Nikki and Langly watch, interested-- HAN: (has just re-entered) Those things just get weirder and weirder. ARDETH: Isn't he supposed to be one of my pirates? SVEN: Isn't Langly still sinking? LANGLY: (snaps back) I guess that's the problem with being a thief. Nobody knows when you're telling the truth. (thinks a second) Give me the tip of your dagger. NIKKI: Why? LANGLY: Just do it. NIKKI: (lowers her dagger to him) LANGLY: (hooks the map to it) Well, it's no valentine, but it'll have to do. Now you have it all and I have nothing. I'm at your command, Nikki. Do with me what you will....quickly. (he is up to his chin) NIKKI: (stands a minute) Well....good luck. LANGLY: Nikki!? NIKKI: (pulls Imhotep from the card game) Well, fish him out. IMHOTEP: (sighs, disgustedly and pulls Langly from the quicksand) LANGLY: (as they pull him out) Quite a storm, wasn't it, boys? NIKKI: (looks at the map and smiles) AUTHOR: Okay, as Langly dries off, the rest go to find food....not the lizard, Jack. JACK: (looks relieved) --As the others eat, Nikki lays the pieces of the map out together, in front of them-- NIKKI: We need to go....around these hills, through this forest....to the coast.....and there is our treasure. LANGLY: Well, shall we? (reaches for the map) NIKKI: (stops him) --They stare at each other for a moment and Nikki hands Langly his piece-- AUTHOR: And then they go hunt it down. Move, people. --They reach the place on the map where the "X" is-- NIKKI: What do the instructions say to do from here? There's more of that computer stuff. LANGLY: Seventy-five paces from the rock pillar. --They count their paces until they reach a cliff top at only twenty paces-- NIKKI: Seventy-five? LANGLY: That's what it says. NIKKI: Well, you misread it. LANGLY: No, it's very clear. "Seventy-five paces from the rock pillar." NIKKI: Well, then the other fifty-five are out there. (points to the ocean) LANGLY: (looks down) Or.... (makes a face) Not this part. JOHN: Shut up and climb down the rope. IMHOTEP: (snickers) --As they climb down the ropes, they find a cave in the cliff side. Outside the cave is a neon sign, reading, "Treasure this way."-- LANGLY: Why am I not surprised that's there? NIKKI: (shouts up) We found a cave in the cliff! FRANK: Aye! (looks at the others) Now what? AUTHOR: Well, don't ask me what happened to the others, but right now, there's just Frank, Imhotep, and Jack. The rest of you, take a break. OTHERS: (look at each other, shrug, and sit down) JACK: (to Frank and Imhotep) You guys wanna play cards? FRANK: Yeah sure, why not? IMHOTEP: (shrugs and joins them) NIKKI & LANGLY: (look at each other, shrug, and enter the cave) --At the top of the cliff, the card game is interrupted by the sound of a twig snapping-- PEPE LE PEW: (bounces out of the underbrush) Am I too late to join zee game? IMHOTEP: (stares in shock and covers his nose) --The rest do the same and then they all run off-- PEPE: (looks offended) AUTHOR: Oh, poor thing. Come sit with me. PEPE: (brightens, and leaps into the Author's lap) For you, Madamoiselle. (hands her a rose) AUTHOR: Oh thankyou. You're so sweet. ALL: (staring) AUTHOR: Oh PLEASE! He doesn't smell THAT bad! JOHN: (pulls out an Acme nose clip) That's a matter of opinion. Continue, please! SPIKE: It's gotta be the hair. ARDETH: You don't say. AUTHOR: Ahem. JONATHAN: I wondered about that when I first came in. JOHN: Can we continue the spoof and quit discussing the Author's hair?**Yes, I, Cassi, have skunk-striped hair. I like it very much** WAGNER: Personally, I don't sink it's all zhat strange. LANGLY: You wouldn't. Look in the mirror. AUTHOR: Do I have to call Abominable? LANGLY: Oh right. Where were we? AUTHOR: That's better. Langly and Nikki are in the cave. --Just inside the cave, they find a pile of bones and remnants of clothing-- LANGLY: Looks like those maneating claw-lizards of yours had a party in here. SVEN: Possibly. (looks at the Author) We'll have to ask Steve about it. AUTHOR: It could have been Eatsalot. JOHN: Just continue the spoof. They use one of the leg bones and light a torch. NIKKI: (lights the torch and continues deeper into the cave) What's it say, now? LANGLY: (holds the map up to the light) "Mouth of darkness, teeth of stone. Down the throat, to the belly of gold, guarded by those who never grew old." NIKKI: Well, that's informative. Come on, it's gotta be further down. LANGLY: (slips on a rock and nearly falls over an underground cliff) NIKKI: (pulls him back up) Don't DO that! LANGLY: (flatly) Sorry, didn't mean to inconvenience you. --They continue walking-- NIKKI: Let's try this way. LANGLY: Whatever. (Follows her) --They round a corner and see, not only a big pile of treasure, but an army of Lost Boys, with weapons out-- BOYS: BANGARANG!!!! LANGLY: That is NOT in the script. RUFIO: (standing on top of the pile of gold) It is so. It said, "Guarded by those who never grew old." NIKKI: So now what? We fight for it? ACE: (grins, holding a tomahawk) Right, let's fight! MUNGO: Is it' real? HOOK: Yep. WAGNER: (bamfs into the cave with Logan) Ve fight for it! LOGAN: (snikt) Oh yeah! AUTHOR: Logan and Kurt, you're not supposed to be there. LANGLY: (flatly) Neither are they. (points at the boys) DON'T ASK: But we ARE here, and we have the treasure. Care to fight? NIKKI: (draws her sword) Well, I never fought children before, but I guess they're asking for it. TOO SMALL: You two are pirates. NO NAP: We kill pirates. RUFIO: (grins evilly) LANGLY: (pulls his sword) Boy, this sucks. JOHN: Small challenge, huh? PEPE: Exciting, no? SVEN: Very. AUTHOR: (petting Pepe) Decided to add a twist to it. Let the war begin. LANGLY: What war? We're out-numbered. This isn't very fair. XANDER: I'll say. They're just kids. Rufio's the only one over ten. RUFIO: (grins) Right. (thinks about it) Maybe we should give them a chance to surrender. These boys took down a whole ship full of pirates. WAGNER: (bamfs back in) Vell, zhen it's only fair if ve join zhe fight! LOGAN: (snkit) Right. AUTHOR: (shrugs) Okay, I guess. Go ahead and fight. PETER: I'd better not. JACK: No, but I can! (pulls his sword) --The fight breaks out as the Lost Boys cut loose with their battle cry and take on the "Pirates"-- HOOK: Interesting. TINK: I think the boys are losing. JIMMY B: I think Logan isn't playing fair. PETER: They can't kill him. AUTHOR: Okay, that's enough, boys. RUFIO: (holding a knife to Langly's throat) Awww, MAN!!! JOHN: Logan, put the kid down. TOO SMALL: (gives puppy eyes) LOGAN: (puts him down) TOO SMALL: (stabs him in the kneecap with his dagger, and runs off) LOGAN: I'm never having kids. --The battle breaks up and the boys scatter, leaving the pirates in the cave alone-- POCKETS: That was a fun game. WAGNER: (bamfs out with Logan) I vill never figure out zhose kids. WOLVIE: That's not fair! I wanted to fight! SVEN: (gives him a "Logan in carbonite" popsicle) You didn't need to fight. CREEPY: I want one, too! CYKE: Me too! SVEN: You can all have one. LOST BOYS: (all crowd in, wanting popsicles, too) LOGAN: You still have those? PEPE: I want one! HAN: You are a sick bunch. WOLVIE: Thankyou. AUTHOR: Okay, they get the treasure. Guys? Act. NIKKI: We're rich. Now what? LANGLY: You tell the others, I'll start hauling this stuff to the entrance. NIKKI: Wait a minute....(looks at him suspiciously) Okay, I'm going, but no tricks. LANGLY: (nods as Nikki exits the cave) WOLVIE: (licking his popsicle) I wouldn't trust him. AUTHOR: Next scene. Nikki climbs out. NIKKI: (finds the cliff top empty) They were in the cave....Where are they now? CHRIS: They bamfed away? WAGNER: Possibly. JOHN: They ran away because they heard Ardeth's men sneaking up. PEPE: No, zey ran because of me. ARDETH: Because the Med-jai don't make noise. AUTHOR: Whatever. She finds Macavity standing behind her, swinging his chain. MACAVITY: Nikki.....we've been looking for you. Heard you were fighting with boys. JOHN: Meanwhile, Langly's dragging a treasure chest toward the entrance of the cave. He ties the chest to the other rope and prepares to climb up the other one. Part way, up, Ardeth and his Med-jai Pirates, including Sabre, Macavity, and Jesse Colton, appear at the top, holding Nikki at gun-point. Boys? ARDETH: (looks down) Well, it's your friend from Spittlefield....What have you got there, boy? LANGLY: (holding on to the rope) Treasure! Bags of it! Be careful what you do. You can lose a lot! ARDETH: (to Sabre) Put a ball between his eyes. EVELYN: This is insane. YAKKO: Da-uh! It's supposed to be. LANGLY: (pulls a switch blade out and holds it to the rope the chest is tied to) Go ahead. It's about four-million pounds! That's a guess, but I can't be off by more than a million pounds or so! HOOK: Actually, it's about 5.7 million! TEAZER: Reeeeaaally? HOOK: (glares) It's not all mine. Leave it alone. MUNGO: 'Ooo's is i'? JOHN: Borrowed it from Hamunaptra. SPIKE: Bu' how come we couldn't take any then? ARDETH: Key word. "Borrowed." To borrow: Must be returned. (waves his lightsaber) ALL: Got it. AUTHOR: Continue. NIKKI: Cut the rope, Langly. Get away! ARDETH: Well, Mr. Langly. Let's make a deal. I've been known to be reasonable. JONATHAN: Only when it doesn't concern the next Apocalypse. RICK: (elbows him) Shut up. This is pretty good. I wanna see what happens. LANGLY: (mutters) I can't believe I'm going to do this. Send Nikki down! I'll send the treasure up, and we'll both have what we want! ARDETH: Very well. We have a deal. Here she comes! (pushes Nikki) NIKKI: (falling-screams**wouldn't you?**) LANGLY: (catches her, dropping the switchblade) OWWW!!! Pull my arm out of socket, why don't you? CHRIS: HEY! That's MY knife! Go get it back! BYERS: (looks at him like he's insane) ARDETH: (looks down) Well, now we have both. Pull them up. NIKKI: Another madman pushes me off a cliff. Is it me? LANGLY: Possibly. I wish I'd never learned Perl. NIKKI: Don't watch me fall. LANGLY: (looks down, then up at Ardeth) I'm coming with you. NIKKI: Don't be stupid. You'll be killed. LANGLY: Don't argue. Let's agree on something for once. NIKKI: (smiles) One....two... (watches the waves) LANGLY: One more thing. NIKKI: What? (looks back up) LANGLY: Considering everything, I really think we should be partners...full partners. What do you say? NIKKI: (considers it) Sixty-forty. LANGLY: Full partners. Fifty-fifty. ARDETH: They have a lot to talk about. Come to me, Nikki. NIKKI: Ready now? LANGLY: (bites his lip and nods) One... NIKKI: Two... BOTH: Three! --They let go of the rope and fall toward the cliff bottom, just as it is engulfed by a huge wave, which sweeps them away-- ARDETH: (looks at the Author) 9.9? SVEN: 9.9! CHRIS: 9.8! They didn't scream loud enough. MURDOC: 10, if they survived. PEPE: (holds up a card with a heart on it) 10! JOHN: 9.9! AUTHOR: I'm with Murdoc. 10, if they lived through it. RICK: (shrugs) I'd give it a 10. IMHOTEP: (looks over the cliff) 5.8. I could do better. ARDETH: (gets ready to push him) Let's find out. AUTHOR: No. You have to do your line. --Ardeth, Imhotep, Rick, Johnathan, and Evelyn look disappointed-- ARDETH: Love. Who can explain it? Pull up the gold. We're rich. JOHN: Nice ad-lib. MULDER: What about Nikki and Langly? Did they live? AUTHOR: I guess you'll have to find out next time. We're going back to the Phantom now. This is the end of part two in Cutthroat. Everyone, change your costumes! We'll probably have a break here. Ardeth, you and Imhotep can watch videos of past performances now. See you all back for The Phantom! SVEN: And my spoof! ALL: (stare at her) SVEN: I'm baaack! ALL: (groan loudly) END PART TWO **************** COMING SOON: "BATMAN: THE SPOOF" BY SVEN (evilspoofauthor1) ///posted under "MISC/SPOOFS AND PARODIES" AND WE WELCOME TO THE UPCOMING CAST: Ian Malcom, Ryan Gaerity, Alan Grant, and "Steve" **And hopefully, we can get Ardeth to remove the happy-face from his forehead soon....he still has it.** Okay, the conclusion of Cutthroat, and you finally get to find out what the next set of spoofs will be!!! As if you haven't already figured that out yet, as I believe I typed the names of the next spoofs at the end of the Batman spoof....which was finally finished ^_^There will be three. Mine, Sven's and a Joint Spoof that will be listed under my name because I wrote most of it and I'm doing the two sequels!!! Anyway, on with Cutthroat, THE CONCLUSION....did Langly and Nikki live? You shall see!! **Sara, Nick and Steve are velociraptors from Jurassic 2. See Batman, the Spoof for more reference** ************************************************************************* BEFORE THE SPOOF CONTINUES *************************** PIKACHU: (comes running up from the beach) Pika pika chu! AUTHOR: Hey, Pokemons aren't supposed to be in this one! ARDETH: Let them stay. It's almost over. There isn't a lot of violence left. JOHN: Are we talking about the same spoof? HELLO! We're blowing up a ship and killing everyone on board! This is one of the most violent parts of the whole movie! PIKACHU: Pika pika! Chu! CHRIS: I say we let them stay. I mean it's--excuse me, runt--(pushes Pikachu out of the way)--not as if they've never seen violence before. PIKACHU: (frustrated) PIKA PIKA! CHU!!! JIMMY M: Bless you, dude. I agree. They should stay. PIKACHU: PiiiikaaaaaaCHUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!! (thundershocks John, Chris, Jimmy Martinez, and narrowly misses the Author ans Ardeth) AUTHOR: WHAT!? PIKACHU: Pika pika! Chu! Pika pi! (points at the beach) MEOWTH: (walks up) He says der's a dead guy over dere. MULDER: WHAT!? MUNGO & MURDOC: (go to look) MURDOC: Langly din't survive the fall! He doesn't get any 10s! AUTHOR: Anyone seen Nikki? JESSIE: What does she look like? GAERITY: A mess if she survived that. JOHN: Nikki was in the first part of the Phantom, you should know her. STEVE: (enters) There's a really bloody human female back here. Sara and Nick wanted to eat her, but I said she could be a cast member. MURDOC: Is she alive? STEVE: (grins) For the moment. AUTHOR: Mungo, get Nikki to medlab. She lived. SVEN: Well, Nikki got a few tens, then. JOHN: As soon as we bring Langly back and heal Nikki, we'll get started. Sound good? (looks at Pikachu) And if you EVER do that again, I'm buying a VERY large MOUSETRAP!! Comprende? PIKACHU: Pika pi. JOHN: That better have been yes. (walks off) PIKACHU: (watches him leave) Pika pi CHU! ASH: Pikachu! Where did you learn to talk like that? AUTHOR: Spoof starts in half an hour, folks! Get ready! THE SPOOF CONTINUES ************************ AUTHOR: Langly? Are you okay? LANGLY: I feel like a banana whip. BYERS: That's okay, you look like one. LANGLY: Wha'd I miss, and what is THAT!? (points at Steve) AUTHOR: Steve V. Raptor. He's cool. You missed Batman, and the end of the Phantom. LANGLY: Okaaay....I guess. (moves to his place on the rocks) FROHIKE: (walks up to him) Hey, Langly. How's it going? LANGLY: I've been better. Where's Nikki? Have you seen her? FROHIKE: Yes. She sent me to find you. Ardeth can't find her! LANGLY: How'd you get here? FROHIKE: Same as you. I jumped. Fortunately, I'm a good swimmer. LANGLY: Are YOU a rotten liar. FROHIKE: Just come with me so I can lead you into a trap, like the script says. LANGLY: Well, I appreciate your honesty. Let's go. --Author and Sven exit and return two and a half weeks later-- MURDOC: Would you people quit DOING that? AUTHOR: Doing what? SPIKE: Leaving like that! Where have you been? AUTHOR: I was on a week-long fast. LANGLY: Since when does fasting make you desert us? AUTHOR: I was fasting from spoofwritting. I'm hypoglycemia. I can't fast from food. MACGYVER: It's been over two weeks. SVEN: Current events distracted us. AUTHOR: Are you guys lucky you don't live in the real world. BYERS: What's going on? SVEN: (shrugs) World War 3. SPIKE: (rolls his eyes) Yeh right. AUTHOR: Can you believe that? He thinks we're kidding. MACGYVER: You're serious? AUTHOR: Very. Anyway, back to the spoof. **we're dating this spoof. Can you tell? This part was written about a week after Sept11** FROHIKE: Hey! You can't tell us World War 3 started and then expect us to go back to acting! SVEN: We can feed you to Steve. STEVE: (grins) Yummy! LANGLY: Well, I'm all for acting. Take me to the bad guys, Frohike! STEVE: (does the Wolvie pout) --Before the spoof can re start, the lights go out-- SVEN: Did someone forget the electric bill? FEMALE VOICE: Prepare for trouble! SCRATCHY MALE VOICE: I suggest you make it double! SCOTT: You know, this DOES get old. SVEN: (makes a face) Ewww, that VOICE! AUTHOR: Wonderful. We're running a circus. CASSIDY: To infect the world with devastation... SVEN: Aren't we infected enough? AUTHOR: Boy, you said it. BUTCH: To blite all peoples in every nation! CASSIDY: To denounce the goodness of truth and love! BUTCH: To extend our wrath to the stars above! LUKE: We really don't need it there, either. SVEN: Could someone stop that VOICE!? (covers her ears) CASSIDY: Cassidy! --Before Butch can respond, he is shot by a rocket launcher-- PENNY: (shrieks) LANGLY: (runs for the bathroom) CASSIDY: (screaming hysterically) JAMES: (puts the rocket launcher down) That felt GREAT! SVEN: Not ANOTHER one! I thought we weren't going to blow anyone else up! Magneto was enough! MUNGO: (enters from medlab) No 'ANOTHAH ONE!!!! (passes out) TEAZER: Mungo? (looks at the Author) 'E needs a vacation. AUTHOR: J? JOHN: Yeah? AUTHOR: Call Dr. Carter and the extras we discussed. JOHN: Got it. (picks up the phone) SVEN: Teazer? Can you get the mess? TEAZER: (Looks at the mess) No' bloody loikly. (points at James) 'Ave 'im clean i' up. 'E's the one 'oo made i'. JAMES: ME?! MURDOC: Oh grow up. You made the mess. Clean it up! (gives him a push) JAMES: (nears the mess, covers his mouth and runs for the bathroom) GAERITY: Loser! CARTER: (enters--he now has a beard) You rang--oh not another one! --Two figures enter through the door, with Prince John-- AUTHOR: Seven! Doctor Hologram welcome! DOCTOR: You claimed you had a medical emergency. SVEN: There. (points) ARDETH: Will someone shut the female up? CASSIDY: (is still screaming hysterically) JESSIE: My pleasure. (shoots her) CARTER: You know this is getting really old. AUTHOR: (glares) Jessie, James, stand in corners! JAMES: (has just reentered) --The two proceed to the corners-- JESSIE & JAMES: It was worth it!! 7 OF 9: (approaches the team rocket members) They are dead. There is nothing that can be done. May I go now? DOCTOR: Dead? And you just stood them in corners? CARTER: (pats his shoulder) Relax, man. We just put them back together, and Mungo over ther, on the floor, brings them back to life. 7 OF 9: Unacceptable! That is not possible! CARTER: (points at Magneto) It worked on him, now help me get the mess. 7 OF 9: I wish to leave. JIMMY M: Sorry, babe. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated. 7 OF 9: (stares st him as if he's insane) I demand an explanation! DOCTOR: (leads her over to the mess) Looks like we're both stuck in the collective. AUTHOR: Hurry up so we can get back to the spoof. CARTER: (sarcastically) Oh I'm sorry. Am I in your way? JOHN: Yes. Move. SVEN: Well, technically, your star is barfing in the bathroom. AUTHOR: Beside the point. Nikki, how are you? NIKKI: I'm never doing that again. LANGLY: (reenters) Can we start again now? JOHN: Ready when you are. AUTHOR: Okay Frohike.....take him to Mulder and Giles. JOHN: Okay, Frohike leads Langly through the jungle.... LANGLY: This seems rather far. My feet are killing me. AUTHOR: Deal with it. They enter a clearing to find a bunch of armed Assassin Redcoats, and a nice table where Giles and Ardeth are having a tea-party. ARDETH: (stares at the table as if he expects it to bite him) Pirates don't have tea-parties. HOOK: Hear hear! AUTHOR: Look, I don't care what you do at the table, just sit down and act like you're civilized. JONATHAN: (chokes on his drink) ARDETH: (sits with his elbow on the table, and glares at him) JOHN: Your lines, boys? GILES: Mr. Langly! Before you hang at Port Royal, you have time to witness this historic alliance. LANGLY: Yeah yeah. the real Med-jai meet the fake Med-jai Assassins. Get to the point. ARDETH: What about Nikki? FROHIKE: She's busy taking pain pills. ARDETH: Figures. GILES: (to Langly) Perhaps you're wondering how I came to be here. LANGLY: Actually, I didn't care how. I'd just rather you went back. ARDETH: Yeah, and leave my treasure alone. JOHN: Script! GILES: A little bird told me....plump pixie. TINK: HEY!!! Who are you calling PLUMP!? Say that to my FACE, you BIG FAT SILLY ASS!!! CHRIS: Ouch. You made it mad. GILES: I apologize, Miss Bell. I was reading the script. TINK: (does the Wolvie pout) RUFIO: Wimp. AUTHOR: Story! We would like to get the war going, you know. Anyway, they beat Langly with their guns and drag him down the beach to the boat-- LANGLY: RODNEY KING!!!! ARDETH: Shut up. (gives him a brainduster) AUTHOR: Anyway, Nikki climbs out of the water to see it. JOHN: They break camp and load everything on the boats. The British ship is sent first, and the other two get ready to follow. GILES: Mulder! Discretion dictates that I shall not load the treasure onto the British "Man of War", but that I shall go back to Port Royal with Captain Ardeth. MULDER: Wha? GILES: Mulder, you don't have much feel for these things. One day, perhaps. MULDER: Yeah, up yours, too, sir. AUTHOR: Mulder! SVEN: He had it coming. ARDETH: (snickers) JOHN: Skip to on board the Reaper. They've just dragged Langly on board. GILES: Mulder! Take a few of the men and follow in the other pirate ship. I'll see that a little of the prize money, a little here, a little there, all adds up. MULDER: (rolls his eyes) Yes sir. GILES: (to Ardeth) I shall go presently and ask for your royal pardon. Privateer of the Crown. Sounds so much better than Pirate, don't you think? (Walks off) MACAVITY: (watches him leave) Why do you let that preening snob live? ARDETH: It's in the script. Besides, I study him. When I become Governor of Jamaica, I will need a certain.....style. (imitates Giles) Mulder? Mulder! MACAVITY: (snickers) MULDER: Very funny. (climbs aboard the Morning Star and comes face to face with Murdoc) --Behind Murdoc, in chains, are Peter Banning, Jack Banning, Frank Colton, Imhotep, Kurt Wagner, Logan, Wolvie, and Phyro.-- MULDER: Lock them below with the others. They hang at Port Royal. MURDOC: With pleasure, your Honor. Step this way, gentlemen. I trust you'll find your quarters to my liking. JACK: (spits at him) MURDOC: (pulls his gun) PETER: Touch him and I'll kill you. MACGYVER: Good luck. MURDOC: (grins evilly and watches as they are taken below) We'll weigh anchor! Rouse the watch forward! PIRATE: Aye sir! --The pirates follow orders, and, as the anchor is pulled up, none of them notice Nikki is hanging on it.-- She climbs aboard the ship and sneaks below where her men are being held-- JOHN: Below, the men and mutants are in chains while two Assassin Redcoats guard them. Nikki comes in and snaps one's neck, and throws a dagger at the other one. ASSASSIN1: (throws his gun down) I quit. --The other follows him-- NIKKI: (sighs, relieved) Good, cause I didn't think I could break anyone's neck right now. FRANK: Nikki! I thought that I would never see you again! NIKKI: (pulls down the main chain from above, freeing the men) Well, men! What do you say? Shall we take back our ship? IMHOTEP: (grins) On your word, Captain! SVEN: He's starting to like this. AUTHOR: Ni kiddin', I never thought I would ever see the Mummy take orders from Nikki. JOHN: Okay, she gets the men loose and they come out to take over the ship! MURDOC: (comes out of the Captain's quarters) I believe we can ease the main sheet a foot or two. It'll draw better for it! PIRATE: Aye sir! NIKKI: Are you a good swimmer, Mr. Murdoc? --Nikki's pirates overpower the assassins and rebel pirates, and Logan holds his claws to Mulder's throat-- NIKKI: (continues) Let's find out, shall we? AUTHOR: Then they push Murdoc and all his men overboard! IMHOTEP: (grins in glee) Do you want a compass? MURDOC: (gives him the bird and swims away. He is helped ashore by Steve and joins the Peanut Gallery) JOHN: Meanwhile, in the Captain's quarters, Nikki is looking around for Betsy. NIKKI: Batsy? Besty? Where are you? BESTY: (chitters) NIKKI: (opens a cabinet and Betsy crawls out) Were you in there the whole time? RUFIO: Nah, Sam took her out a while to feed her. SPIKE: Speakin of her, did those blokes that came in here get shots? JOHN: They are in the medlab. I assume Daniels gave them some. AUTHOR: The one's a hologram. He didn't need one. Why do you think we grabbed him? --Suddenly, a couple of horses gallop in, toward the Peanut Gallery. Two men in blue tunics jump down from them-- PORTHOS: I'm BAAAACK! JUBILEE: Oh look, it's CHARLIE SHEEN!!!! (runs up and kisses Aramis) PORTHOS: Well, you're popular. ARAMIS: (grins) LOGAN: You're just lucky I'm taking over a pirate ship right now, bub. PORTHOS: Yeah yeah. Do I get my part back? IMHOTEP: (growls) AUTHOR: I guess that's a no. PORTHOS: (sits down, doing the Wolvie pout) Ah rats. There went my Oscar. Aramis, leave the girl alone and go get your shot. ARAMIS: Nag nag. (gets up and heads for medlab) SVEN: Watch the mess in there. James blew someone up with a rocket launcher. PORTHOS: James who? CHRIS: (points at the corner) That would be him. PORTHOS: They're blowing people up now. Shame I missed it. ARAMIS: I'll keep that thought in mind. (enters medlab) AUTHOR: Back to the spoof. Where were we? STEVE: Murdoc just went swimming. MURDOC: Rub it in. JOHN: Right, the war's about to start. AUTHOR: Porthos, you and Aramis are welcome to join the pirates for the war. We could use more men. PORTHOS: YAAA-HOOOO!!! (pulls his sword and jumps into the water, swimming over to the ship) ARAMIS: (reenters and stares at him, as if he's insane) WAGNER: (bamfs to Aramis, and bamfs him back to the ship) Easier zhis vay? ARAMIS: Thanks for the lift, pal. AUTHOR: Okay, everyone gets quiet and prepares to sneak up on The Reaper. They're loading their weapons, and the cannons, and Nikki returns her dagger to its rightful place in the mizzenmast. The pirates all duck down so no one can see them. FRANK: (crouched in front of Mulder with a gun) Smile, Mr. Mulder. MULDER: (forces a cheesy grin) SPIKE: That's scary. FRANK: Good Mulder. NIKKI: We'll edge toward them, Mr. Imhotep. Not so fast as to alarm them. IMHOTEP: (whispers) Two points to starboard! Keep it steady! JACK: (turns to the men--also whispering) Two points starboard. Keep it steady. JOHN: Meanwhile, back on the Reaper. GILES: (looks back) Mulder's closing on us. ARDETH: Is that so? (grabs the spyglass from Sabre) GILES: Probably just wants advice. Poor fool can't tie his shoelaces without instructions. Best let him catch us. SCULLY: (laughing hysterically) MULDER: Very funny. ARDETH: (watches the other ship, suspiciously) JACK: (on the Morning Star) I hope Mr. Langly's still alive. MULDER: Script says he is, but you never can tell. --On the Reaper, Ardeth watches as the morning Star draws ever closer-- ARDETH: General quarters, Macavity. Powder to the guns, but softly. MACAVITY: What's going on? ARDETH: Doo what I tell you. (turns to Giles) Govorner Giles, oblige me. Let me hang Langly now..... from my yardarm. GILES: This minute? ARDETH: No, wait until they catch us and start shooting--yes NOW! GILES: (shrugs) Might be rather amusing. One doesn't always get to see a hanging at sea. AUTHOR: Below decks, the Med-jai are loading the canons. Two assassin Red Coats lead Langly out. GILES: (looks up at the yardarm, where Luke stands, holding a rope) It's a long drop. --On the Morning Star, Nikki walks over to Imhotep, who is holding the spyglass-- NIKKI: What is it? IMHOTEP: It's not good. Best take a look. NIKKI: (watches through the spyglass as Langly is forced to climb to the yardarm--she grabs a gun and aims it at Luke) GILES: Richard Langly, you've been found guilty of Piracy in the Province of Jamaica. By the authority of His Majesty, the King, the punishment for Piracy is death. Pray, hangman, carry out the sentence. --The rope is put around Langly's neck-- NIKKI: (releases the safety on her gun, then hesitates) He's testing us....prime your guns, men. ARDETH: Are we prepared to fire, Macavity? MACAVITY: (makes a salute) SABRE: (nods) LANGLY: (closes his eyes) IMHOTEP: (shoots at Luke) LUKE: (blocks the shot with a blast of the Force before it can hit him) HAN: Beautiful save! JOHN: Yeah, yeah, you're dead, Skywalker. Get off the ship. GILES: Bloody hell. ARDETH: I knew it. JOHN: Then all hell breaks loose, pardon the language. All the guns go forward, and the war begins! NIKKI: Mr.Imhotep, close in quickly! FIRE! ARDETH: FIRE!!! NIKKI: Hoist our colors! --The Morning Star's flag goes up-- AUTHOR: And the ships are blasting the crap out of each other. LANGLY: (at the top of the yardarm, is ducking blasts) BESTY: (hides in a barrel) PORTHOS: YEEESS!!!! I LOVE this part!!! PETER: Seek help. PORTHOS: I was a pirate. Sue me. --There are explosions all over both ships and Langly climbs higher to get away from Med-jai pirates-- Frohike stands on deck, looking around-- FROHIKE: We're gonna die. MACAVITY: Yeah, I know. Sucks, huh? JOHN: Script! AUTHOR: As the Med-jai catch up with him, Langly swings from one side of the ship to the other. LANGLY: (does a Tarzan yell) Always wanted to do that. JOHN: More cannon blasts and Frohike, you're dead! FROHIKE: (disappears and reappears in the Peanut Gallery) ARDETH: (from the Captain's deck) Blast them from the sea!!! They want your treasure! Will you let them take it? MACAVITY: We have a choice? ARDETH: Don't make me kill you now. --The med-jai are firing the cannons constantly--There are explosions everywhere on both ships-- WOLVIE: (snikt) Lemme at 'em!!! AUTHOR: Giles, you're dead! GILES: Fun while it lasted! (joins the Peanut Gallery) --Both ships are sustaining heavy damage, and Langly is once again being chased by Med-jai soldiers-- NIKKI: Riflemen, prepare! ARDETH: She means to board me. (motions to his own riflemen) FIRE! --The Med-jai open fire on the pirates, killing several-- MEDTEAM: (stands watching) DOCTOR: (looks at Carter) Are you going to pull the bodies out, or should I? CARTER: I say we let them drift to shore. I'm staying out of the line of fire. SAM: Good idea. LANGLY: (swings down to the deck) ARDETH: Swing your hooks! --The Med-jai rope the Morning Star with grappling hooks, as Nikki's pirates shoot at them-- SAM: Well, this place is going to look like the beaches of Normandy. SCULLY: You said it. PHYRO: (lights himself on fire and leaps aboard the Reaper) BURN BAY-BEE BURN!!!!!! ARDETH: Boarders!!! --The Med-jai pirates board the Morning Star-- LOGAN: All RIGHT! (snikt) WOLVIE: (screams in glee and goes "bizerker") PENNY: Morbid little child. SVEN: Gets it from Wolverine. LANGLY: (is fighting Med-jai on deck) ARDETH: (looks at the sky) I LOVE THIS!!!! I LOVE IT!!!!! RICK: I think we've lost him. AUTHOR: I know....and he's already earned an Oscar for this spoof. --more pirates and Med-jai warriors fall into the water, dead-- MULDER: (bumps into Nikki) NIKKI: (decks him and swings down to the poop-deck to joint the battle) ARDETH: (looks around at the pirates who have boarded the Reaper) Who wants to die first!? --A pirate attacks him and is quickly dead-- SABRE: Kill them!! Kill them ALL!! JACK: (loses his sword and ducks between three poles, out of reach) PETER: (kills the Med-jai who attacked Jack) Nobody attacks my kid! TINK: Come on, Peter! (applauding) FRANK: (steps up to Nikki) They are so many, and we are so few! NIKKI: (throws a dagger at a Med-jai who was aiming his gun at her) Hold them off as long as you can! FRANK: Aye! Where are you going? NIKKI: (grabs another sword) To blow out his bottom and get what we came for. Separate the ships when I do! FRANK: Aye! AUTHOR: And on the Reaper, Langly is actually fighting Med-jai and killing them without throwing up! ALL: (applaud) LANGLY: Funny. NIKKI: (swings aboard the Reaper, kicking Jesse Colton in the face) JESSE: Excuse you! NIKKI: Sorry, you're on the wrong side. (kills him) FRANK: Did she just kill my brother? MACGYVER: She's under a lot of pressure. MURDOC: Don't make excuses for her. Way to go, Nikki! Always knew you had it in you! NIKKI: Thanks...I think. JOHN: And Nikki keeps fighting Med-jai, killing them as she goes... CARTER: (looks at the bodies) I guess we better start getting them now, or we'll be here all night. SAM: I guess so. At least they aren't firing the cannons anymore. Hey, Hologram! Pull 'em out! DOCTOR: ME!? Why should I have to do it? CARTER: Because they can't kill you. DOCTOR: (points at a disc on his arm) If this gets shot, my program goes offline. 7 OF 9: (starts pulling people out of the water) SCULLY: (goes to help her) Men...all talk. TEAZER: Don' look at us! We jus' make the miracle pills! JOHN: Are you people finished? SAM: Why? Are we stopping you? AUTHOR: Everyone has to turn to look at you. --Sam, Carter, and the Hologram Doctor turn to look at the crowd on the ships, then look at each other. They shrug and bow to the crowd--The crowd on the ships applaud-- AUTHOR: (muttering) Gotta keep up the circus act. Back to the spoof! Nikki's killing people....well, let's just say they're all killing each other. ALL: Got it. --The fight continues-- JOHN: Meanwhile, Langly, tired of killing people, gets down below where the gunpowder is, then climbs down another level to where the treasure is. LANGLY: Why? What am I going to do? Carry it out one coin at a time? AUTHOR: Shaw wasn't very smart. Just go play with the ropes on the gold. LANGLY: (rolls his eyes and does as he's told) JOHN: And on deck, Nikki is still fighting with Med-jai, and doing some impressive fighting move, I might add. AUTHOR: And Ardeth is still killing Nikki's men--ARDETH!!! That was ARAMIS you just wasted! PORTHOS: WHAT!? JUBILEE: WAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! YOU KILLED CHARLIE SHEEN!!!! PORTHOS: He just got here!!! You can't kill him! CHRIS: So did them other two, but Jessie and James killed them anyway. SVEN: If James hadn't have killed Butch, I would have. His voice was bothering me. AUTHOR: Anyway, while Sam and Scully grab Aramis, Nikki makes her way to the lower level where the gunpowder is. --Nikki chops a hole in a small barrel, and makes a stream of gunpowder leading from the barrel to a place behind a support post, where she hides and lights the powder-- PHYRO: Yeah bay-bee! BURN IT ALL!!! JOHN: Somebody catch the pyromaniac before he kills someone who's not supposed to die. PORTHOS: (grabs the mutant) Let's go, runt. I'm sure there's more stuff to burn elsewhere. --Before anyone can get ready, the powder barrels blow, blasting a huge hole in the side if The Reaper, causing the treasure to shift, pinning Langly to the post behind him--Then the bottom starts to flood-- LANGLY: See? This is why I didn't want to do this. ARDETH: (stops at the sound) She wasted my ship!!! I HATE MY NIECE!!! FRANK: Nikki has done it! (kills the guy he's fighting) YOU!!! CUT US LOOSE!!! --The pirates and X-Babies cut the ropes the hold the ships together-- WAGNER: (starts bamfing Med-jai off the Reaper) Zhey're going to die anyvay. At least zhis vay, zhe meds don't have to bring zhem all back. JOHN: Yeah, I guess. CARTER: Sounds good. --On board the Morning Star, Sabretooth fights with Imhotep...(which is a surprisingly even fight) Sabre pins Imhotep's arm with the steering wheel of the ship-- IMHOTEP: He's going to die for this. --Just as Sabre is going to kill Imhotep, he is stabbed between the legs by Jack Banning-- ALL MEN: OOOUUUCH!!!! (make faces, Imhotep included) SABRE: (screams) LUKE: That was a bad word in Wookiee-Speak. JACK: (backs away) It was an accident? SABRE: You wanna see an accident, kid?! I'll SHOW you an accident!! PETER: (is too busy fighting pirates to notice) AUTHOR: Pan! Those guys are supposed to be on YOUR side! PETER: Tell THEM that! They attacked ME! JOHN: Hook., can't you do something about this? HOOK: (stands up) KILL THE FLYING DOODLE-DO!!! AUTHOR: (flatly) Thanks, Hook. 'Preciate it. HOOK: My pleasure. (sits back down) SABRE: (decks Jack) IMHOTEP: (comes back up behind Sabre and the two are back to fighting) --Imhotep pins Sabre's head in the wheel and a loud crack is heard-- DOT: Oh the humanity! CHRIS: Are the Warners still here?! WAKKO: We were eating...and Yakko was-- DOT: (elbows him) Shut up. JOHN: Was what? DOT: There's a man getting ready to shoot Imhotep. SPIKE: So? We all know it can't kill him. Spill it! AUTHOR: Forget it! Back to the spoof! MULDER: (shoots the assassin Red Coat, and comes over to help Imhotep up) IMHOTEP: What side are you on? MULDER: I decided to be all I could be...and there was no future in the army. JOHN: Yeah, I can see that as true. JACK: (steps up beside them) I have a headache. AUTHOR: On the Reaper, Nikki is opening the trap door to see Langly with water up to his waist. NIKKI: Langly? What are you doing down there? LANGLY: The Author made me! I said it was stupid! --Outside, the Med-jai are jumping off the ship-- ARDETH: (looks below) There you are, Nikki! Come to seek my treasure, have you? Don't move! I'll be right down to help you count it! NIKKI: (draws her sword and her dagger) Let's finish this. ARDETH: Come up! Come up to Uncle!! RICK: What have you people done to him? AUTHOR: Nothing. He's a very good actor. What can we say? NIKKI: (to Langly) Forgive me. I will be back....I promise. LANGLY: Nikki, this whole place is going to BLOW!! NIKKI: (runs out to Ardeth) ARDETH: That boy doesn't understand us, Nikki. But then, he's not family. NIKKI: Is he going to use a real sword? AUTHOR: Ardeth, lose the lightsaber, and use the sword we gave you. ARDETH: (clips the lightsaber to his belt and does the Wolvie pout as he draws his sword) JOHN: And the fight begins! --The swords clash back and forth and Ardeth yanks his hand back-- ARDETH: You cut me, niece. NIKKI: That was for Alonzo. The next one is for Munku. MUNGO: You said i'!! Kill 'im good, Nikki!!! GAERITY: Munku who? PORTHOS: Her father. He's a cat. MALCOM: Interesting family. WOLVIE: Her other uncle's a cat, too. AUTHOR: We know...They're key for Jerry Springer. Can we continue? Frank is fighting Macavity. --Macavity is using the long chain attached to his hand as a whip-- JOHN: Meanwhile, Nikki and Ardeth are still fighting. AUTHOR: And Macavity has attached his chain to the anchor! FRANK: (cuts the anchor loose) MACAVITY: (as he goes under) I HATE WATER!!!! AUTHOR: Someone get him out and back to the Adams family. ALL: Da da da dum (snap snap) AUTHOR: Funny. --With all the Med-jai and assassins off the Morning Star, the crew gathers to watch Nikki's fight with Ardeth-- CREEPY: Who do you think's gonna win? WOLVIE: I dunno. Pro'ly Nikki. The script says so. --Nikki and Ardeth climb up to the crow's nest-- ARDETH: What in the--? Who put the nest of crows up here? YAKKO: (whistles and looks at the ceiling) JOHN: Cute. Very cute...now GET RID OF THEM!!! ARDETH: (kicks the crows out) --They fly away, after making faces and blowing rasberries at him-- AUTHOR: And the fight goes on. NIKKI: (forces Ardeth out onto the top of the yardarm and kicks his legs out from under him) ARDETH: (lands on his butt) UGHH! (smacks Nikki with the butt of his sword) --Nikki stumbles backward and Ardeth returns to his feet. The fight continues at the top of the yardram-- Nikki loses her sword and grabs a rope to keep her balance--She kicks Ardeth back down and climbs the rope back up to the crow's nest--Ardeth comes up behind her and slams her face into a post-- LOGAN: Violent family, aren't they? PETER: Hate to see them at a family reunion. NIKKI: (hanging onto a rope) ARDETH: Your father was NOTHING! All my brothers were NOTHING! Think how far we could go, Nikki! You and me against the world! Join me.....you don't have to die! LUKE: Sounds familiar. Don't go for it. NIKKI: No Uncle...YOU do! ARDETH: You've run out of world, Nikki. (cuts her rope) --Nikki falls toward the deck, and lands on a pile of canvas sail and barrels--She pushes a barrel off of her and struggles to stand-- ARDETH: (screams in rage) JONATHAN: He IS a good actor, isn't he? NIKKI: (has landed to the room below, where she'd set off the powder) ARDETH: (swings down to the main deck on a rope) NIKKI: (below--covers a small cannon and goes to check on Langly) Langly!? Can you hear me? LANGLY: (in water up to his chin) Yes! NIKKI: I'm coming, Langly! LANGLY: Could you please hurry? ARDETH: (slowly walks down the steps) NIKKI: (pretends she can't stand up, and scoots along the floor to get away) ARDETH: I'll give you this much, Nikki. You're harder to kill then your father. NIKKI: (continues scooting backward along the floor toward the cannon she has covered) ARDETH: (comes closer) The odd thing is I enjoyed it. I never gave up, never gave in. I regret it finished. Give my love to Mumku when you see him. It's over, Nikki. (raises his sword) NIKKI: (has reached the cannon and she pulls a flaming stick out of a nearby fire and holds it up) ARDETH: You gonna fight me with that little stick? NIKKI: No, Uncle. With THIS! (uncovers the cannon) ARDETH: (proudly) You DO take after my side of the family! NIKKI: Bad dog. (lights the fuse) --Ardeth is blasted through the front of the ship, landing in the water-- MURDOC: 10! IMHOTEP: 10! CHRIS: 10, if he lives. --Nikki runs to the bottom where Langly's head has just gone under water. His struggling now frantic-- NIKKI: Langly!! (runs over to him) --She hesitates, shrugs, ducks under the water and clamps her mouth over Langly's, breathing air into his lungs--then she comes up and grabs a broken piece of a wooden beam. She braces the beam under the pile of treasure and shifts it, forcing the pile to move some. She jabs a little more and Langly is able to push it back away from him and get loose-- AUTHOR: At the same time, the fire above spreads toward the rest of the explosives. LANGLY: (gasping for air) Wha'd ya do, stop and have tea? NIKKI: Oh shut up. You got out, didn't you? LANGLY: Well, come on, the place is gonna blow. NIKKI: Yeah, go ahead. LANGLY: Hurry. (Turns to leave) NIKKI: (ducks under) LANGLY: It's a shame we'll have to leave this all behi-- Nikki? NIKKI!? NIKKI: (comes back up) LANGLY: (swims back) Nikki, hurry! There's no time for the treasure! NIKKI: Yeah, I'm coming! (swims after him) --Explosions start to go off inside the ship and Nikki's crew watches from the Morning Star-- JACK: Look! --Nikki and Langly come out onto the deck and run for the edge of the ship-- LANGLY: Come on! RUN! NIKKI: Can't I even catch my breath? LANGLY: (pulls her onto the rail) JUMP! --They jump off as the whole ship explodes behind them--Nikki's crew gives them a standing ovation, and the remainder of the Reaper sinks. Langly and Nikki surface, gasping for air and swim over to a piece of debris. The crew is still cheering loudly-- LANGLY: You okay? NIKKI: Yeah, you? LANGLY: Fine. Just a little....poor. NIKKI: (waves at the crew) Hi guys! We're fine! LANGLY: Well, it doesn't matter. I'm alive...you're alive, and.....we're alive together. --They both laugh-- LANGLY: There will be other treasures. --A barrel breaks the surface of the water-- NIKKI: You really feel that way? LANGLY: Absolutely. NIKKI: (swims to the barrel) The I guess you don't want your share. LANGLY: That's a barrel! NIKKI: On this end. LANGLY: "On THIS end!?" NIKKI: Yep, a marker barrel.....but on the other... LANGLY: (frowns) So how do we get the treasure up HERE? WOLVIE: I ain't divin' in. Nikki can get it. SHE put it down there. AUTHOR: Skip to after they get the treasure back on the deck. NIKKI: Okay. --The treasure is piled up on the main deck and the Pirates and X-Babies gather around== NIKKI: This is yours, men. Every last doubloon. No one ever fought harder for anything. CREEPY: Cool. NIKKI: Mr. Coton will divide it into equal shares. You're all rich men now, and you're free to go your separate ways. You could buy a cottage in Bermuda...and drink chamomile tea on the porch....On the other hand, we could do what we're born to do: Stick together and ride the early trades all the way to Madagascar. What do you say? Shall we add to this pile here on the deck? WOLVIE: It can get BIGGER!? SPIKE: You haven't seen the rest of it. That came from Hamunaptra. JONATHAN: NO FAIR!!! I couldn't take any! JOHN: We're putting it back. NIKKI: What say you, Mr. Imhotep? IMHOTEP: Well, I always did want to do farming. ALL: (stare at him like he's gone insane) IMHOTEP: (grins widely) ALL: (start laughing) **seriously people, could you imagine THE MUMMY farming? I just seem to have a little trouble placing HIM in a field with a plow** NIKKI: That's not funny. I thought for a minute, this spoofacting really WAS driving you insane. CREW: TO THE CAPTAIN!! (hold their swords, up, cheering) LANGLY: (hands Nikki a jewel-handled sword) BETSY: (comes out of a treasure chest and puts a crown around her head. She gives a big toothy grin) NIKKI: (holds up her sword, grinning) --As the crew is still cheering, Nikki grabs Langly and kisses him-- ALL: (cheer louder, making whistling noises) JIMMY B: Way to go, Langly! LANGLY: (grins) Where to, Nikki? NIKKI: I told you. Madagascar. LANGLY: But that's in Africa. NIKKI: Then we best get busy. (looks up) Mr. Mulder, take the crows nest watch for the nest twelve hours. MULDER: (grins) Yes, ma'am. NIKKI: Mr. Imhotep. Prepare to come about. Steer South Southeast. IMHOTEP: On to your stations, men! Steer South Southeast! --The men go to work-- NIKKI: And Mr. Langly, I'd like to see you in my cabin....immediately. FROHIKE: (whistles) AUTHOR: Then they sail away, and we're DONE!!! ALL: (wild cheering) AFTER THE SPOOF ********************** CARTER: After exhausting medical procedures, everyone is now alive again! BUTCH: I don't feel so good. JAMES: Can we get out now? CASSI: I guess. JOHN: We have Oscars! ALL: (gather around) CASSI: Richard Langly! Or is he still off with Nikki? LANGLY: HERE! (runs up, grabs his award and hugs Nikki) JOHN: Nikki Carpenter! NIKKI: (takes her award and she and Langly exit together) CASSI: Ardeth Bay! Wow! Are you alright? CARTER: Who gave him the adamantium plate? He lived! All he did was break a few ribs. ARDETH: (pats Yakko's head) Thankyou my little friend. (looks up) Where's my Oscar? CASSI: (hands it to him) We have a bonus for you. Don't go anywhere. JOHN: Frank Colton! FRANK: ALRIGHT!!! (takes his award) CASSI: Imhotep! IMHOTEP: (grins) I'll put it with the other one! JOHN: Rupert Giles! GILES: (smiles and bows) Thankyou very much. CASSI: Fox Mulder! MULDER: YES! I got another one! (kisses Scully) JOHN: Murdoc! MURDOC: (slaps five with Gaerity and grabs his award) CASSI: Jack Banning! JACK: WAAAHOOOO!!! PETER: That's my boy! CASSI: Special award for Jimmy Martinez! Beautiful job! JIMMY M: Any time, baby! JOHN: That's unfortunately all. The rest of you were also great! BYERS: So, what's next? SVEN: Three spoofs. Mine, Cassi's and a joint spoof. HAN: (shrugs) Okay, who stars? ARDETH: Ahem...bonus? CASSI: (grins) I do have something for you, for your brilliant acting jobs in both spoofs. (whistles) --A flacon flies in and lands on her arm-- ARDETH: (stares) Is that-- CASSI: We're giving you Horus back. (hands him the bird) ARDETH: (pets the bird, lovingly then turns and kisses Cassi) Thankyou. CASSI: (grins) Anytime.......Will you star in our joint spoof? ARDETH: Yes. (moves away, stroking Horus) HAN: So what's next for you? JOHN: (raises an eyebrow at Cassi) CASSI: Ever hear of "George of the Jungle?" FROHIKE: Ardeth is playing George? CASSI: No, silly. Ardeth stars in the joint spoof. George is mine. Jimmy Bond is playing George. JIMMY B: REALLY!? I LOVE that show! I grew up on it! Who's playing the ape? JOHN: Wait and see. CASSI: Before, I was gonna have Frohike and Scully staring in a spoof...Sorry people. That one was postponed. FROHIKE: (sighs relieved) CASSI: For the next spoof, I will get a new assistant to join Prince John, and we're having new characters coming in. Buffy and Angelus are coming back. Mungo gets a break. MUNGO: (grins in glee) CASSI: And Glory's coming in! XANDER: Explains why she's supposed to smack her head on a tree. SVEN: Our luck, she'll probably break the tree. ARDETH: (nervously) What exactly is the joint spoof? JOHN: Don't worry, you'll be fine. LUKE: Where do you want these bacta tanks for the joint spoof? CASSI: Medlab's fine! ALL CAST(esp Ardeth--look very worried and uneasy) THE END **************