"Dot: The Vampire Slayer", By Cassi (evilspoofauthor2) Parody of "Buffy: The Vampire Slayer" starring Kristy Swanson ****************************************************** DISCLAIMER : Contains characters from the following: Animaniacs, The musical; CATS, Macgyver, Buffy the Vampire Slayer (series), Angel (series), Labyrinth (movie), Hook (movie), X-Babies Comics, and Bill Engvall's "Here's Your Sign". None of these belong to me. I'm just borrowing, and I will return them in working order, and we can bring back the dead people. (REALLY!!!) Contains references to the following: The "Star Wars" Spoofs, By Sven; the "Labyrinth" Spoof, by Cassi; "The Vampire Mummy" Spoof, by Cassi; "The Princess Bride" Spoof, by Sven; The "Jerry Mungo Show" by Mistibom (based on Jerry Springer) Character by Cassi; Bob, the Bobcat. CAST SHEET *************** MERRICK...................................Macavity (CAT) BUFFY SUMMERS.....................Dot Warner (Animaniac) COACH.......................................MacGyver (MacGyver) NICOLE.......................................Victoria (CAT) KIMBERLY.................................Bombalurina (CAT) JENNIFER...................................Demeter (CAT) PIKE............................................Spike (Buffy Series) BENNY........................................Xander Harris (Buffy Series) JEFF (Buffy's Boyfriend)..........Angel /cast change--Oz (Angel and Buffy series) GRUELLER..................................Riley /cast change--Yakko Warner (Buffy and Animaniacs) ANDY..........................................Oz /cast change--Angel AMILYN......................................Murdoc (MacGyver) LOTHOS......................................Jareth (Labyrinth) CASSANDRA............................Cordelia (Angel Series) GARY MURRAY(principal).....Rupert Giles (Buffy series) WAITRESS................................Rumpelteazer (CAT) BIKERS 2.....................................Rufio (Hook) and Yakko Warner /cast change--Riley Finn VARIOUS VAMPIRES ********************* X-Babies and special appearace by Drusilla (Buffy series) PEANUT GALLERY ****************** Sven , Wakko Warner (Animaniac), Mungojerrie (CAT), Buffy Summers (Buffy series), Willow Rosenberg (Buffy series), Mr. Mistoffelees (CAT), and Sarah Williams (Labyrinth) Playing the parts of Buffy's Parents; Penny Parker and Jack Dalton (MacGyver) CAMERA "CAT" : Bob the Bobcat (By Cassi) BEFORE THE SPOOF ******************** SPIKE: I'm BAAAACK!!! AUTHOR: And on time. Congratulations! BUFFY: I still don't see why I couldn't play my own part. AUTHOR: Because we didn't want Dead Boy to kill Dustbunny when Buffy dumps one for the other. ANGEL: What? SPIKE: Buffy dumps you for me. ANGEL: Why would she do that? SPIKE: Because you dump her for a cat. DEMETER: I resent that. ANGEL: Who's playing Buffy? SPIKE: (frowns) I don't know, but the author and her sister were havin' a big laugh about it, so it must be pretty bad. BUFFY: Do I really want to know? XANDER: How come Spike plays a human, and I play a vampire that he kills? SPIKE: (looks it up) I get to kill Bug boy? AUTHOR: I have a weird sense of humor, sue me. MACGYVER: I'll say. How come Murdoc is in this? AUTHOR: Because he asked nicely and I think he'd make a wonderful Amilyn. MURDOC: (sticks his tongue out) I got the better part!! MACGYVER: At least you die in this. SPIKE: (has finally found the cast sheet) Who is Dot Warner? Is that who I think it is? AUTHOR: Could be. --A limo pulls up, and a small figure gets out, dressed in an evening gown, a large hat, and dark glasses. There are two other figures following, holding up the train of her gown-- AUTHOR: Meet the Warners! Yakko... YAKKO: (bows low) AUTHOR: Wakko... WAKKO: (belches loudly) SPIKE: I can smell that! AUTHOR: And Dot. DOT: I'm the star. Aren't I cute? SPIKE AND ANGEL: I quit. DOT: (Examines the vampires) HELLLLOOOOO, NURSE!!!! (leaps into Spike's arms) XANDER: Awww, aren't they cute? BUFFY: Ummmm. YAKKO: (to Buffy) Oooo, can I sit with you? GILES: SHE is playing Buffy? AUTHOR: Why not? She's a good actress. GILES: Well,....... XANDER: She's two feet tall! SPIKE: (shrugs and carries Dot away) I love your show, you know. DOT: REALLY??? (with stars in her eyes) SPIKE: Yeah, the "Macadamia Nut" was great. BUFFY: (stares after them) Now I've seen everything. AUTHOR: Places everyone!!! We're starting!!!!! THE SPOOF BEGINS *********************** AUTHOR: We're skipping the flashback and going straight to the cheerleaders! YAKKO: Helloooo, nurse! --Dot, Demeter, Victoria, and about seven other female cats take the floor, with Dot in the lead-- MACGYVER: (while they're dancing) This is NOT how you coach. AUTHOR: Just read the script. MACGYVER: Okay people, they're psyching you out. Let's not be so defensive out there. What do we say on the court? I am a person, I have a right to the ball. DOT: I am cute, I have a right to dress like this. AUTHOR: I am a spectator. I have a right to throw up. SVEN: That's cute. MACGYVER: Okay, here's our key play. we're going to--Are we the X's or the O's? SPIKE: It matters? They're gonna lose anyway! TEAM: We're the O's. AUTHOR: Next scene! ANGEL: That was it? Exactly what was the point? AUTHOR: Hey, they had to do the opening credits while the cheerleaders danced. XANDER: Oh yeah. We all know all the guys who watch this thing were staring at the credits. SVEN: It could happen. MALL *********** DOT: Mr. Howard is so heinous. Like he's always giving me a hard time. I get a C-plus on the exam, and he tells me I have no sense of History. I have no sense of History? He wears a brown tie!!! ANGEL: Huh? SPIKE: Don't ask. DON'T ASK: What? ALL: (ignore him) VICTORIA: You got a C-plus? I can't believe I cheated off you! WAKKO: Maybe you should study. YAKKO: (hits him in the head) He's mentally ill. Ignore him. WAKKO: (belches) DEMETER: Ewww. RUFIO: I can do better. AUTHOR: Later. Dot? DOT: (tapping her foot, impatiently) Thankyou. (changes her face to a cheezy grin) Excuse me for not knowing about El Salvador. Like I'm ever going to Spain, anyway. SPIKE: (stares) Hey, the Slayer WAS a ditz! BUFFY: (gets up and backhands him across the face) YAKKO: FIGHT!!!!! DOT: (loudly) Ahem! SVEN: Bad Spike. ANGEL: (snickers) SPIKE: (elbows Angel) ANGEL: (hits Spike back) SPIKE: (pushes Angel off his chair) AUTHOR: Buffy, separate your boyfriends!!! BUFFY: Spike is not now, and will never be my-- AUTHOR: Yeah, yeah, we all know. Now separate them before Misto and Jareth do!!! JARETH AND MISTO: (grin evilly) BUFFY: (sits between Spike and Angel) SPIKE: He started it. ANGEL: You wish. BUFFY: (elbows both of them) AUTHOR: Dot, continue! DOT: Wow! Look at that jacket! Wouldn't you guys just love me in this? WAKKO: (shoves two straws up his nose) Look! I'm a walrus! SVEN: Impressive. YAKKO: (gives Wakko a brainduster) I wanna hear this! BOMBA: Guys, wht's the sitch? I'm bored! DOT: What do you think? BOMBA: Please! It's SO five minutes ago. SPIKE: They change their clothes every five minutes? YAKKO: Dot does. DEMETER: (rolls her eyes) Boring!!! DOT: Oh. BOMBA: What are we doing? SVEN: Hello! Shopping? Isn't that what you do at a mall? RUFIO: Here's your sign. DOT: Oh, I don't know. Why don't we see a movie? BOMBA: Where? XANDER: They actually show them in theaters now. WILLOW: (snickers) DEMETER: Omniplex? VICTORIA: They don't have .......dummy? DOT: Dolby. VICTORIA: Whatever. BOMBA: Beverly Center? DOT: They show previews for foreign movies. BOMBA: Oh yeah. ANGEL: Like they're really there for the previews. VICTORIA: AMC? DOT: Bogus corn! BOMBA: And the ushers are like the acne patrol! SPIKE: Hey look in the mirror, Hairball! BOMBA: (picks up a squirt bottle and sprays Spike) ALL CATS: (applaud) DEMETER: Totally! VICTORIA: So we're talking Pavillion, sitch? SVEN: Bless you. DOT: Sounds toasty. We're going to the Pavillion. --The four of them step into the elevator-- DEMETER: What's playing there? VICTORIA: I don't know. Does it matter? --Elevator doors open before the elevator can move--The girls see Macavity-- DEMETER: Macavity! DOT: Excuse much, rude or anything? (pushes the button again) BOMBA: Nice ensemble! DOT: What a homeless! MACAVITY: (watches the girls walk away on the bottom floor) AUTHOR: Cut! Very good, except for that "Macavity" thing. DEMETER: (looks guilty) Sorry. AUTHOR: Okay, next scene! Movie theater! Spike and Xander, you sit behind the girls! SPIKE: Great. How do we hear the movie? SVEN: You don't. Read the script. XANDER: Great. we tell them to shut up. AUTHOR: ACTION!!!!! MOVIE THEATER *************** VICTORIA: Is Angel really going to spend the night at your house? SPIKE: I doubt it. Remember what happened last time? ANGEL: (glares) MUNGO: (squirts Spike) DOT: That's the plan. VICTORIA: Ew, what a sitch! DEMETER: Your parents are always going away for the weekend! You're so lucky! DOT: Yeah, I guess so. XANDER: Would you guys shut up? DOT: (turns around) It could happen. SPIKE: That you'd shut up? Not bloody likely. GIRLS: (continue talking) SPIKE: (kicks the chair in front of him) You do realize that none of you are human, don't you? DOT: And I'm the Slayer! I have the ability to make anvils fall from the ceiling! YAKKO: The Anvil song! AUTHOR: Not on my set! BUFFY: Gotta love a gal with an anvil. VICTORIA: Take a chill lozenge! BOMBA: Like we have rights too. DOT: Ignore them. XANDER: Oh no, I can't believe this! We paid good money to see this! SPIKE: No we didn't. XANDER: Oh yeah. I forgot about that guy we beat the crap out of. SPIKE: Shhhhh. AUTHOR: CUT! Go to outside the theater! I need Riley, Angel, and Oz! RILEY: I am not getting in a car with a werewolf and a vampire! SPIKE: No kiddin'. He might stake Ang--Wait a minute! Put him in the car! BUFFY: (smacks Spike) WOLVIE: She's hitting the star again! DOT: He's not the star! SPIKE: Right. You are, oh Slayer goddess of all. ANGEL: (sticks a finger in his mouth and makes gagging noises) SPIKE: You're just jealous, cuz she likes me better. SVEN: Okay! Next scene? AUTHOR: Places! ANGEL: I'm NOT kissing her! RILEY: You can swap me! AUTHOR: He can't! I don't want a real vampire in that roll. SPIKE: Peaches isn't a real vampire! ANGEL: (glares) Whatever you say.....Roller Boy. SVEN: Are you guys done fighting yet? SPIKE: No. ANGEL: Not even close. AUTHOR: Shut up, or Jareth will give you bunny ears and we'll all call Abominable! ANGEL AND SPIKE: (silence) AUTHOR: That's better. CAR ******* OZ: Is that supposed to be a full moon? SPIKE: Why? Need a haircut, Fido? OZ: (glares) MUNGO: 'Ey! Nobody said anythin' abou' a pollicle on se'! AUTHOR: Fake full moon, Oz. OZ: (relaxes) Okay. RILEY: (sounding bored) Look at the moon. It's huge. Come on, guys-- DOT: Can we get a real actor? SPIKE: You STINK!!!!! YAKKO: I'll do it! I wanna be a vampire! SVEN: Yakko a vampire? Be afraid. Be very afraid. RILEY: (looks hopeful) SVEN: Make him stay! DOT: I refuse to act with him! AUTHOR: Murdoc gets to bite him. MURDOC: (in costume) Well, who's hungry? SPIKE: ME!!! BUFFY: Shut up! SPIKE: (crosses his arms and sticks out his lip) YAKKO: Can I please, please, PLEASE? (makes Bambi eyes) AUTHOR: Sven, he's making Bambi eyes at me. SVEN: (shrugs) AUTHOR: Okay, Yakko. Riley, you're a biker. ALL CAST: YIPPEEEEEE!!!! A REAL ACTOR! RILEY: (makes a face) AUTHOR: Yakko, begin! CAR//TAKE TWO ******************* YAKKO: Look at the moon!! It's HUGE! Come on, guys! We should DO something! PARTY!!! (does a little dance) OZ: Can me and Angel switch? SVEN: Let 'em switch! ANGEL: (Suspicious) Why? OZ: You don't want to kiss Dot, do you? Don't complain! SPIKE: (reading through the script--snickers) AUTHOR: Angel? ANGEL: Why do I have the feeling I'm going to regret this? DOT: (innocently) I don't know. JARETH: We are never going to get past this part, you know. AUTHOR: Agreed! Okay, skip the car scene. Yakko, you're in the park! YAKKO: (walks into the park) AUTHOR: MURDOC!!!!! Come and GET IT!!!!! MURDOC: (cruel laughter) YAKKO: Are you going to make me a vampire, or do I have to stand here all night? SPIKE: He's not a real vampire. MACGYVER: Although it would explain why he never dies. SVEN: Murdoc is NOT a vampire! MURDOC: No. I'm really just immortal. CREEPYCRAWLER: Does that mean they have to hack off your head? MURDOC: Not THAT kind! AUTHOR: Hey! We're not done yet! Now--Murdoc turns Yakko into a vampire, and then--on to Dot's house! We need Oz, Penny and Jack! PENNY: Why do I play the part of a ditz? SVEN: Because you're a ditz! MURDOC: (glares at Sven) She's a good actress! SVEN: Am I sensing favoritism? AUTHOR: This is the same Murdoc who told Penny he was in love with her, just before she told him he was insane. Now back to the script! SPIKE: (to Murdoc) I know how you feel. DOT'S HOUSE ******************** TV: The apparent cause of death was a severe neck wound, that, in the words of one bystander, looked like, "a really gross hicky". DOT: Ewww. SPIKE: Hey, good work, Murdoc! MURDOC: (takes a bow) Thankyou. SVEN: Who's playing Buffy's Dad? AUTHOR: Jack is. PENNY: Why am I married to Jack? SPIKE: Explains why Buffy's parents are divorced now. BUFFY: My parents were not like that. JACK: (gets up and looks at the script) Have fun and stay away from the Jag! DOT: I know! PENNY: Well, that's everything. DOT: Bye! PENNY: Kiss noise! BUFFY: My mother did not act like that! RUFIO: (elbows her) Nobody asked for your opinion. BUFFY: (elbows him back) PENNY: Bye-bye, Bobby! OZ: Bye! (to Dot) She thinks my name's Bobby? DOT: It's possible she thinks my name's Bobby. MACAVITY: Bobby, the Vampire Slayer! BUFFY: (sprays Macavity) OZ: Real quality timers, huh? DOT: Something like that. OZ: Well, that's okay, if they wanna leave you here alone in the house. All helpless and vulnerable. SPIKE: Slayer---HELPLESS!!??? That'll be the day. BUFFY: Funny. AUTHOR: Skip the dream. JARETH: That's not fair. SVEN: What's your basis for comparison? AUTHOR: Murdoc, your turn! JARETH'S CAVERN ****************** MURDOC: He's not my master. AUTHOR: Read the script. MURDOC: (Sighs) Sleep, my master. I have already begun building you a new family. Soon you will be legion. When you rise, we will claim this place as our own. JARETH: Sounds good, pencil it in my datebook. AUTHOR: Not funny. MURDOC: Soon. OUTSIDE THE HIGH-SCHOOL ************************** DOT: The environment. I'm telling you it's totally key. The Earth's in terrible shape. We could all die. Besides, Sting's doing it. BOMBA: I thought he was doing Indians....who is Sting, anyway? AUTHOR: A very good singer, keep going. DEMETER: Well, are there any diseases that aren't too depressing? GILES: How are any kind of diseases "not depressing"? SPIKE: Free blood? WILLOW: (smacks him) Insensitive creep. SPIKE: I'm a vampire, sue me. AUTHOR: Quiet! Ladies, continue. DOT: It's Angel's turn. ANGEL: What'cha guys doing? VICTORIA: Senior dance. We need to come up with a theme. DOT: It has to be a socially conscious theme. CORDELIA: One that reflects the student's growing awareness of the world around them. RUFIO: Boring! ANGEL AND OZ: Downer! DOT: I still say the environment. That's my suggestion. BOMBA: Yeah, mine too. DOT: I said MY suggestion! Make up your own! CORDELIA: What are the most immediate threats to the world around us? SPIKE: You? CORDELIA: (glares) BUFFY: Writers of spoofs like these? AUTHOR AND SVEN: I resent that! AUTHOR: Just for that, wait till you see what I do to you in the next spoof! ANGEL: "Next spoof"? AUTHOR: "The Mummy" is next. SPIKE: (sly smile) BUFFY: (To Spike) Don't tell me you already new about this. SPIKE: We did some talking after the recent "Spoof Strikes Back". AUTHOR: (as Drusilla) And you won' reveal secre's, roight, Spoike? SPIKE: (jumps and turns around) AUTHOR AND SVEN: (laughing) SPIKE: Not bloody funny. SVEN: I thought it was. THE WARNERS: Me too! AUTHOR: Continue the spoof. OZ: Where were we? SVEN: Threats to the environment. OZ: Oh, um..litter? VICTORIA: Forest fires? DOT: Bugs. BOMBA: Totally, especially fleas. DEMETER: Yeah, hate them. OZ: Cordelia, write that down. CORDELIA: How about the Ozone Layer? BOMBA: Oh yeah! VICTORIA: Right! DOT: That's right, we gotta get rid of that. MACGYVER: Wha? MURDOC: I'm writing that down! BUFFY: I was not that stupid. SPIKE: Whatever you say. BUFFY: You just wait, you'll get yours. SPIKE: Yeh, I'm shakin' in my boots, luv. AUTHOR: Giles? GILES: (makes a face) First bell people, come on! Let's go! OZ: What's your point? GILES: I read it, I don't write it. BOMBA: Let's get together tonight, okay? Cafe Blase? VICTORIA: Cool, we can figure decorations and stuff. DOT: I don't know. I really want to get a headstart on my homework. WAKKO: (belches loudly) BUFFY: My sentiments exactly. GROUP AT TABLE: (laughs) VICTORIA: I LOVE that joke! AUTHOR: Cut, and PRINT! Next scene! CAFE BLASE ********************* VICTORIA: I don't see why we have to invite EVERY Senior. DOT: It's the Senior dance! SVEN: Here's your sign! VICTORIA: Do we have to invite Nadia? She's such a blemish. YAKKO: Who's Nadia? SPIKE: Weren't you listening? A blemish. SVEN: Who names blemishes? ANGEL: Evidently, they do. WAKKO: Gross. BOMBA: (walks in, wearing the jacket Dot had liked at the mall) Hi guys! DOT: I thought that look was over. BOMBA: Well, now it's....retro. DEMETER: Yeah, retro. DOT: (glares) BOMBA: You can borrow it. DOT: (rips the jacket off her and puts it on) Thankyou. We were talking about the dance. BOMBA: Hey, guys...check who just walked in. GIRLS: (laugh) SPIKE AND XANDER: (stagger in and dump a handful of change onto a tray held by Teazer) XANDER: What does it look like? TEAZER: An 'andfull of change tha'll ge' you an 'o'dog, wif nofin' on i'. XANDER: What? SPIKE: Hot dog! Hunk of meat made from roadkill. WAKKO: Yum. DOT: Eeeewww. TEAZER: I'm Teazah, an' I'll be your wai'ress. XANDER: 'Ello, Teazah. DOT: You guys are trashed. SPIKE: Tha' would esplain the slurred speech. Wha's your name? DOT: Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Bananafana Bo Beska III, or you can call me Dot, but if you call me Dottie, I will have to hurt you. SPIKE: Figures. I'm Spike, this is Xander......I'm Spike. DOT: You said that already. SPIKE: I read it, I don't write it. DOT: Spike isn't a name, it's a dog. BUFFY AND ANGEL: (snicker) SPIKE: Not funny. XANDER: Don't we know you guys? SPIKE: Wait a minute. XANDER: You're the guys from the movie. WOLVIE: Since when are they guys? DOT: We aren't. We're cute girls. (smiles sweetly) AUTHOR: (sticks her finger in her mouth and makes gagging noises) PEANUT GALLERY: (laughs) DOT: (glares) SPIKE: We hate you...... DOT: (glares again) SPIKE: (finishes) girls. BOMBA: Like we care, I'm sure. DEMETER: Yeah, boohoo. SPIKE: You were way rude. VICTORIA: Well you just snuck in anyway. DEMETER: Yeah. AUTHOR: Skip the rude jestures with the hotdog. Xander and Spike, you're staggering down a dark road at night. SVEN: Obviously drunk. No sober guy would be out alone at night with vampires running around. SPIKE: I'll have it running in about a week. All I need is some break pads, shocks, tires, (stops and frowns) Oh, forget it. Why doesn't he just buy a bloody new car? AUTHOR: Ahem. XANDER: When you get the car together, man, let's bail. Get away from this town, those rich girls, these spoofs. They're a plague. They've got to be stopped. SPIKE: Amen. AUTHOR: Script! SPIKE: What, you don't like them? XANDER: They're so stuck up, they're not even human. YAKKO: Sure, state the obvious. SPIKE: Yeh, but would you sleep with them? XANDER: EWWWW! They're CATS!! AUTHOR: Okay, skip the sex talk. I don't wanna hear Xander say he would sleep with Spike. BUFFY: That would be interesting. SVEN: Pervert. SPIKE: (jumps away from Xander) EEEEWWWW!!! Get it AWAY!!! AUTHOR: Spike passes out, and Murdoc flies up, grabs Xander, and bites him in the neck. BUFFY: Kinky. MURDOC: Shut up. MACAVITY: (pulls Spike off the ground) This is not a safe place to fall asleep. SPIKE: Don't worry, I'm already dead. CHEERLEADING PRACTICE//THE NEXT DAY ****************************************** YAKKO: Hellooooo, NURSE!! CHEERLEADERS: (doing cheer motions) DOT: Okay...Dribble dribble, shoot, shoot. Take that ball to the hoop, hoop. SVEN: I think I'm gonna be sick. DEMETER: (after practice) Hey, I was thinking, for the dance? What if we made a big sign that says, "Don't tred on me." and then a picture of the Earth? DOT: How do you not tred on the Earth? I mean you kind'a have to. SVEN: Here's your sign!! WAKKO: (runs up to Demi and pins the sign on her back) DEMETER: (glares) VICTORIA: Well, I'm bailing. You coming? DOT: No, I have to see this weird cat about a job. MACAVITY: Funny. DOT: (does a row of gymnastics flips, then looks up to see Macavity) AACK!!! You scared me to death!! MACAVITY: I have that effect on people. AUTHOR: SCRIPT! MACAVITY: That was impressive...the tumbling. DOT: I used to do gymnastics. YAKKO: That's not all she used to do! DOT: (throws a shoe at her brother) MACAVITY: I was looking for you. DOT: Why? 'Cause if something happened, it wasn't me, it was my brothers. MACAVITY: Nothing happened-- SVEN: That's a first. MACAVITY: My name is Macavity. I was sent to find you some time ago. However, I was partying in Vegas for a while. AUTHOR: Ahem. DOT: What are you talking about? And how come I didn't get to go to Vegas? AUTHOR: NOBODY went to Vegas, now read the script!!! MACAVITY: I have searched the world for you, Dot. SPIKE: Is it just me, or does this guy sound a little desperate? WAKKO: He's looking for Dot. He's desperate. PEANUT GALLERY: (snickers) DOT: (steam comes from her ears, and she runs to Wakko, and hits him) Shut UP!!! SPIKE: (wisely says nothing and stares at the ceiling) AUTHOR: Continue, Dot. DOT: Why? AUTHOR: Because I said so. DOT: (glares) I was talking to HIM!!! (points at Macavity) It was my LINE!!! AUTHOR: (smiles) I know, it just sounded good. MACAVITY: To bring you your birthright. AUTHOR: In the cemetery...we know. We're bored, skip the rest, and just go to the cemetery. SPIKE: (reads script) What about the big hairy mole? SVEN: (hands Buffy the squirt bottle) BUFFY: (squirts Spike) SPIKE: Not funny. BUFFY: At least we didn't use holy water. DOT: Don't kill my new boyfriend!!!!! SPIKE: (looks horrified) ANGEL & BUFFY: (incoherent laughter) AUTHOR: Story!!! CEMETERY ***************** DOT: I can't believe I'm in the cemetery with a strange man, hunting for vampires on a school night. SVEN: That's because you mostly save that for your weekend dates, right? SPIKE: Sounds about right. BUFFY: Not funny. MACAVITY: Why did you not tell anyone about your dreams? DOT: What? Tell everyone I'm crazy? Real beauty idea. SVEN: Besides, Dot doesn't have to broadcast that she's crazy. We all know she is. DOT: (smiles) MACAVITY: (looks at the script) Cramps? What does that mean? SVEN: Merrick's obsessed with girl-talk? DOT: Afterwards, do you want to go back to my house, paint our toenails and talk about boys? MACAVITY: (makes a face) No. SPIKE: Bring on the VAMPIRES!!!! MACAVITY: Robert Berman was killed three days ago. Extensive tissue damage to the throat. YAKKO: Way to go, Murdoc! MURDOC: Can I do MacGyver next? AUTHOR: (laughs) No. MURDOC: (sticks his lip out) MACAVITY: Here, take these. (hands her a stake and a mallet) DOT: Wait a minute. MACAVITY: No, no, you don't have to do anything. This is just for protection. DOT: (flat look) I MEAN this is too small!! Can't I have something bigger? I AM the star! MACAVITY: We don't have bigger ones. DOT: Oh well, do I get to kill Yakko? AUTHOR: No, Spike does, now go on. DOT: No FAIR!!! JARETH: Get used to disappointment. AUTHOR: Story! DOT: What do we do now? MACAVITY: We wait for Robert Berman to wake up. SPIKE: Who's Robert Berman? He's not in the cast. AUTHOR: We have some vampires left over from the Empire. SVEN: Hmmm, Imperial vampires...what a concept. ANGEL: How very noble of you. AUTHOR: So you can kill them and we can't? ANGEL: We're not killing them for entertainment. AUTHOR: The fans of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" beg to differ. Dot? DOT: (looks at Macavity) Do you have any gum? RUFIO: Why? Do you think Robert Berman might want a piece? DOT: For ME! SPIKE: Selfish, aren't we? MACAVITY: No, I don't have gum. AUTHOR: (cuts in) Okay, High School parking lot! Murdoc strikes again! Cordelia, you get to go see Jareth!! Now back to the cemetery! SPIKE: What was that? A commercial? SVEN: Another pointless scene. YAKKO: Boring! --In the cemetery, Macavity and Dot kill two vampires.-- AUTHOR: Okay, Spike and Xander! We're on to Spike's apartment. XANDER: Hey! I get to fly!!! ANGEL & SPIKE: Vampires do NOT fly! PENNY: How would you know? SVEN: Here's your sign. PENNY: Huh? BUFFY: They ARE vampires! PENNY: Then why aren't they playing vampires? AUTHOR: Because I have a strange sense of humor, now please continue! XANDER: (outside Spike's window) Hey SPIKEY!!! SPIKE: (glares) Where you been? I tried to call your house--like I'd actually do that--You left me hangin'! XANDER: Come on, let me in! SPIKE: Some old cat gave me a ride home, I thought he was gonna hit on me. MACAVITY: In your dreams. SVEN: No, that's Buffy. BUFFY: WHAT!? DOT: He's not denying it. BUFFY: (looks suspiciously at Spike) SPIKE: It was a bloody nightmare. I woke up, screaming. BUFFY: I have to brush my teeth again. AUTHOR: Boys, continue. XANDER: Come on, Spikey, invite me in. SPIKE: What time yesterday do you think I was born? I read the script, you know! No WAY I'm lettin' you in! XANDER: Come on, let me in! I'm hungry! I can't believe I'm saying this. Why would I want to drink Spike's blood? SPIKE: YOU'RE the criminal master-mind here, not me! SVEN: Maybe he's desperate to be like Spike. XANDER: In your world, maybe. AUTHOR: What can we say, it's a crazy world. Now continue the spoof! SPIKE: Go home, Xander. XANDER: I'm HUNGRY!!! SPIKE: There's a fast food place down the street. Knock yourself out. AUTHOR: Get me a cheeseburger while you're at it! No pickles, no onions, and definitely no KETCHUP!!! SPIKE: No ketchup? AUTHOR: Who wants imitation blood? SPIKE: Good point. AUTHOR: Continue. SPIKE: He's hungry, I told him to get lost. Scene's over, luv. AUTHOR: (considers this) Okay, next scene! Macavity drops Dot off at her house after their cemetery date. DOT: I am NOT dating him! SVEN: Why not? DOT: Well, LOOK at him! BOMBA: 'Nuff said. MACAVITY: I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. AUTHOR: Script! MACAVITY: Now Dot, in school tomorrow, try to act normal. DOT: What is this word, 'normal' that you speak of? YAKKO: Obviously something we've never heard of. MACAVITY: Don't let anyone know you know what's happening. This is important. If the vampires find out who you are, you won't be hunting them anymore. You understand? They mustn't know your name-- 'mustn't know your name'? Who writes this stuff? AUTHOR: Joss Wheddon. MURDOC: Hear that everyone??? DOT is the name we mustn't know!! JARETH: Got it! SPIKE: How would anyone NOT know Buffy's name? She's a bloody CHEERLEADER! BUFFY: I quit the cheerleading squad. SVEN: Not before every vampire in town knew who you were. AUTHOR: Could we just get back to the script now? I am trying to direct a spoof here, which has nothing to do with BUFFY! SPIKE: I thought it was called "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer" How does it NOT have anything to do with her? AUTHOR: This is "DOT, the Vampire Slayer". Big difference. SPIKE: Ummm...yeh, okay then, shall we continue? GILES: (looks at Buffy--they both shrug) SVEN: Now back to the show. AUTHOR: Dot? DOT: All right. MACAVITY: Meet me at this address tomorrow after school. DOT: I have cheerleading practice, okay? SPIKE: I rest my case. BUFFY: (squirts Spike with the Skin-So-Soft bottle) SPIKE: EWWWWW, YUCK!!! Now I 'ave to change my shirt!!! AUTHOR: Buffy, water bottle only. We can't have him running off set every time he says something you don't like. MACAVITY: (continues) You're going to have to skip it. DOT: (glares at the thought) They can't come in unless they're invited, can they? MACAVITY: Yes, that's true. DOT: Good. (walks into the house) SPIKE: Unfortunately, SHE can come into OUR homes every time she bloody well feels like it. She doesn't even knock! BUFFY: I knock. SPIKE: Yeah, three times before you break the door down. SVEN: That doesn't seem fair! What if he's dressing? AUTHOR: Or any other number of things that nobody wants to see, like listening to Harmony call him 'Blondy Bear'. Ewww. SPIKE: Thanks.....I think. BUFFY: (rolls her eyes) Whatever you say. AUTHOR: Are we agreed? Buffy should knock. ALL: YES!! BUFFY: (smiles) Okay, I'll stop walking in on him, if he stops walking in on ME! AUTHOR: Good point. Spike needs to stay out of Buffy's room, too. SPIKE: I'll consider it. BUFFY: (sweetly) Then I'll 'consider' knocking. AUTHOR: Okay, pressure's off. Penny? PENNY: (to Dot) Do you know what time it is? DOT: Um, around ten? PENNY: (taps her watch) I knew this thing was slow. Honey! Come on! We're going to be late! JACK: (rushes out the door with her) AUTHOR: Okay, Dot's bedroom: Dot has a dream about Jareth-- JARETH: How sweet of her. DOT: Least I can do. I get to kill you later. JARETH: Your kindness is overwhelming. DOT: I try. AUTHOR: On to Cordelia in Jareth's cavern. SVEN: Boy, that King gets around. JARETH: (smiles) MURDOC: Wake up, Sweety. You'll be late for school. CORDELIA: (moans and turns over) No school. PEANUT GALLERY: (snickers) SPIKE: WOW! Cordelia made a funny! ALL: (incoherent laughter) MURDOC: He knows you're awake. RUFIO: He knows if you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake! SVEN: Jareth; Goblin King or CIA spook. MURDOC: How am I supposed to scare her if they keep making jokes about it? AUTHOR: The same way you scare MacGyver and Penny! SVEN: COOL!!! Does that mean he's gonna peel off his face and shoot her with a rocket launcher? XANDER: (stares) No WAY that's true. SPIKE: Hey, you can come sit with ME! GILES: (looks at MacGyver) He doesn't actually DO that, does he? MACGYVER: Unfortunately, yes, not to mention the flamethrower, the cross-bow, the hydraulic press, the dynamite, the-- JACK: And he blew up my bed! MURDOC: Can't you just let that GO!? WILLOW: Wow. Suddenly Spike doesn't seem all that bad. SVEN: Yeah, but Angel threatened to use a chain-saw. ANGEL: I WHAT!? BUFFY: He did NOT! GILES & SPIKE: He did TOO!!! GILES: Spike stopped him. SPIKE: I didn't want to spend the next few weeks getting librarian out of the carpet. XANDER: Noble. DOT: Ewww. AUTHOR: Besides, Buffy told you he had to be alive. SPIKE: Well, that too. SVEN: Are we going to continue, or just sit? AUTHOR: Umm, yeah. Jareth has Cordelia for dinner, and now on to the cheerleaders! RILEY: That's a little redundant isn't it? ALL: Shut up! LOCKER ROOM ****************** VICTORIA: You're late. DOT: I'm going to practice. VICTORIA: Cool, see you out there. (leaves) DOT: (starts to change, but sees Macavity) AAACKK!! Why do you keep DOING that!? This is a naked place!! MACAVITY: You were supposed to meet me an hour ago. DOT: I told you I had practice. MACAVITY: And I told you to skip it. DOT: I think there's been a mistake here. I mean, I appreciate that there's real vampires, and you're on some big holy mission, but obviously someone read their tea leaves wrong, because I'm not your girl. MACAVITY: It is true. You have missed years of training. DOT: See? MACAVITY: You are undisciplined, frivolous-- SPIKE: Ditzy... SVEN: An airhead.... YAKKO: Don't we know it? BUFFY & DOT: SHUT UP!!! MACAVITY: Quite probably the most vacuous choice in my entire-- DOT: OKAY!!! I get the point! MACAVITY: Right. I guess there's nothing else for us to say. DOT: Well, good luck and all. MACAVITY: (turns to leave) CYKE: There'th got to be a catch. CREEPY: If he leaves, does that mean the movie's over? AUTHOR: He's not leaving. There's a catch. CYKE: Told ya tho! WOLVIE: Big deal! (kicks Cyke) CYKE: He KICKED me!!!!! SVEN: We don't care! Get to the GOOD part! MACAVITY: Oh yes, there is ONE thing. (throws a knife) --The knife flies past Dot and hits Spike in the shoulder-- SPIKE: OH BLOODY HELL!!!!!!!! BUFFY: Good shot. AUTHOR: Note to self. Never let Macavity throw another knife. SPIKE: (pulls the knife out) Now I have to change my shirt again! (stalks off the set) SVEN: Wow! Macavity shoots like Harmony! AUTHOR: No kiddin'. He couldn't hit a lake if he was standing on the bottom of it. MACAVITY: How do you know I wasn't aiming for him? AUTHOR: Because you aren't human. He could have you for lunch. SPIKE: (returns) Don't bloody tempt me. MACAVITY: Sorry. SPIKE: Sure you are. AUTHOR: Dot, please continue. DOT: (shrugs) You threw a knife at my head! WAKKO: Child abuse! Drop an anvil on him! AUTHOR: No anvils on my set! MACAVITY: It was necessary. SPIKE: Sure it was. DOT: But you threw a KNIFE at my HEAD! MACAVITY: And you caught it. Only the Chosen One could have caught it! DOT: (points at Spike) But HE caught it! SVEN: Spike's the Chosen One! SPIKE: I am NOT! AUTHOR: Forget the knife! Just read the script. SPIKE: You don't exactly forget a knife in your shoulder! SVEN: Spike, let it go. SPIKE: (glares) Let THAT go? You shouldn't even talk to me! I'm still getting green paint out of my hair because of you! SVEN: That was the Snowcone Guy, not me. SPIKE: I'm gonna stick that Snowcone right-- AUTHOR: You don't want to say that. He's going to be reading this spoof, and you're gonna be in Sven's next spoof with him. Now, Dot, continue. SPIKE: (silence) DOT: Don't you understand? I don't want to be the Chosen One! I don't want to spend the rest of my life hunting vampires! All I want to do, is graduate High School, go to Europe, marry Christian Slater, and die! SVEN: Atta girl, aim low. ALL: (incoherent laughter) BUFFY: Funny. DOT: And now you come along and then I'm a member of the Hairy-Mole Club, and you throw things at Spike! MACAVITY: It was necessary. SPIKE: Why? DOT: Last night, you knew I was sitting in a fresh grave, didn't you? MACAVITY: Yes, because I had to make you aware-- DOT: (decks him) Wow! I never hit anyone before! CYKE: Yeth you did. You hit him! (points at Wakko) We all theen you! MACAVITY: Well you did it perfectly. DOT: I didn't even break a nail. WOLVIE: Just his nose. AUTHOR: Okay, various scenes of Dot training, and being late for school, and scenes of school, and more training........ DOT: (knocks Macavity over and points the stake at his throat) MACAVITY: (moves it to his chest) The heart, remember? RUFIO: Moron alert. BUFFY: (smacks Rufio) DOT: So, when do I meet this guy, Jareth? SVEN: Wish your brothers away. JARETH: That's one way. MACAVITY: When he appears in your dreams, how does he make you feel? DOT: I don't know. We keep skipping them. AUTHOR: Okay, skip the Principal's office. GILES: But that's one of my scenes! SVEN: Nobody watches you anyway! Dot would end up spitting a stick-pin across the room, to kill a fly on the wall. XANDER: Wow! Let's not ever REALLY make this girl mad. DOT: (grins in glee) AUTHOR: On to Spike's part in the Mechanic's shop!!!!! And the insanity continues!!!!! DOT: THE VAMPIRE SLAYER----SECTION TWO!!!! For disclaimer, see section one! I'm too lazy to type it all out again! Now--to the Mechanic's shop!!!! ******************************************************************************** SPIKE: (reads script) Um, luv, who's playing the Mechanic? AUTHOR: Ooops. SVEN: Did you miss one? AUTHOR: We need a mechanic! PENNY: MacGyver's a mechanic! RUFIO: He's the coach! AUTHOR: Small part. Mac? MACAVITY: Me or him? SPIKE: I am not acting with you playing more than one part! You're dangerous! AUTHOR: MacGyver? Do you want the part? MACGYVER: Is he smarter than the coach? MURDOC: Why? Do we need to dumb it down? MACGYVER: (glares) AUTHOR: Murdoc, be nice. You'll get your share of torture in the next spoof! MURDOC: What? AUTHOR: Don't complain. You're playing the part of my favorite character! The real one'll be in the Peanut Gallery to make sure we don't trash Egypt! SPIKE: (looks disappointed) SVEN: Mechanic's shop? Today, maybe? AUTHOR: Maybe. MACGYVER: Okay, I'll do it. AUTHOR: Cool! Spike? MECHANIC'S SHOP ****************** SPIKE: You said you'd have the part by 2:00! It's almost dark! MACGYVER: Whatever. Where are you going? SPIKE: What are you, my mother? AUTHOR: Script! SPIKE: I'm leavin', man. I'm bailin' town. This place has gotten way too hairy. SVEN: The town's growing hair. YAKKO: Ew. WAKKO: They should join the Hair-loss Club. MACGYVER: Now where am I going to find another mechanic stupid enough to work for my money? MURDOC: Call Pete. MACGYVER: (throws a screw-driver at him) DOT: You can't do that! I'M supposed to beat him up! MURDOC: (looks at her, and laughs incoherently) DOT: (glares) YAKKO: Drop an anvil on him! AUTHOR: No anvils!!! Besides, MacGyver dropped a building on him and THAT didn't kill him. What makes you think an anvil will? MACGYVER: I did NOT drop the building on him! He ran into a demolition zone! MURDOC: An who chased me there? AUTHOR: STORY! Or do we have to call Abominable? JARETH: Bunny ears anyone? MURDOC: Say what? MACGYVER: Huh? AUTHOR: This is my own little bunny rabbut, and I will name him George..... SPIKE, SVEN, JARETH, AND THE WARNERS: And I will hug him and squeeze him and pet him and pat him!! MURDOC: (stares) AUTHOR: He was in Sven's recent spoof. Jareth gave Luke Skywalker bunny ears and Abominable took him away. Do you want to go next? MACGYVER: (glances at Murdoc) Talk about cruel and unusual punishment. MURDOC: Ewww. AUTHOR: Spike? SPIKE: Have you seen Xander? MACGYVER: He's over there. (points at Xander, who is currently sitting next to Buffy) SPIKE: (frowns) Make him stop. AUTHOR: Script! MACGYVER: No. Hey, do you want me to give him a message? SVEN: After the beep. PEANUT GALLERY: (snickers) SPIKE: You should think about leaving too....Sell this place. There's something going on here. I don't know what--wait a minute, I do too! Vampires! What a concept! Can you imagine that? BUFFY: (brings her hand to her cheek) No! AUTHOR: Ahem. MACGYVER: Hey, what do you want me to do if I see Xander? SPIKE: Knock him out for me. AUTHOR: SPIKE!! SPIKE: What? I can't help it if I can't touch him without a headache! AUTHOR: Just finish the section! SPIKE: (rolls his eyes) Run--yeah right. Run from the evil Bug-Boy! XANDER: Hey! AUTHOR: Next section! Back to Dot! ALLEY ************* DOT: Nice night for a walk. I'm cold. It's dark. Hear that, vampires? (turns around to reveal a sign on her back, reading, "Vampires, come and bite me.") SVEN: That's different. SPIKE: Suddenly, I'm hungry. BUFFY: I did NOT wear a sign. MUNGO: 'Oo's idea was tha'? AUTHOR: Mine! She's out in the middle of the night, with vampires running around, and she's in an alley. She might as well wear a sign. BUFFY: Not funny. XANDER: Makes sense, though. AUTHOR: Script. DOT: Hello? --A vampire jumps out of his hiding place-- DOT: (stakes it, but misses the heart) VAMPIRE: (laughs at her) DOT: (glares) --An anvil drops out of the sky, and lands on the vampire-- DOT: Toaster-caked him!!! (grins in glee) AUTHOR: Didn't I say no anvils? SPIKE: (stares in shock, then backs away, slowly) GILES: It was rather creative, though. MACAVITY'S HOUSE ******************* DOT: It was a trap, get it? MACAVITY: It was a blind alley, get it? If there had been any more of them, you would be dead by now. DOT: Does the word, 'duh', mean anything to you? TEAZER: Duhhh, nope. MACAVITY: (reads his script) Again with the 'cramps' thing. Doesn't he get tired of girl-talk? AUTHOR: Skip the girl-talk and the PMS stuff. We don't really care. Besides, most of it goes over the guys' heads anyway. DOT: (reads the script) Okay.......well, aren't WE kung-fu? I don't see YOU out there killing vampires! GILES: Bad Watcher! MACAVITY: I read it, I don't write it. SVEN: We're bored over here! AUTHOR: Macavity, read the script! MACAVITY: Oh, I play my part. DOT: You can play with your part all you want---EWWW!!! Just don't do it here, there are children present! PEANUT GALLERY: (total hysteria) AUTHOR: (snickers) Dot, script! DOT: Bit it's MY neck on the block! I'm risking my LIFE out there, and you aren't doing anything! SVEN: Now they sound like they're married. DOT: I wouldn't marry THAT! BOMBA: Who would? MACAVITY: HEY! SPIKE: Can you just get on with it? I wanna get to the part where I tear Murdoc's arm off! MURDOC: WHAT!?? MACGYVER: HA! MURDOC: He can't do that! SVEN: Why not? I made Scott get his hand cut off! AUTHOR: Don't worry, Murdoc. This is like 'Looney Toons' land! We can put it back! MURDOC: Out of the question! MUNGO: Bu' we killed Munku in the Princess Bride, an' brough' 'im back to loife! Tuggah too! BUFFY: You did the Princess Bride? AUTHOR: Sven did. The Cats were in that one. Now get back to the script! MACAVITY: I train girls to be Slayers. I have done so for a hundred lives, and I will continue to do so. I am born with the knowledge that my purpose is to train the Chosen One for her battle. I am not the Slayer, and I must not interfere-- SPIKE: Enough already! We get the point! SVEN: Long winded, ain't he? AUTHOR: Dot, your line. DOT: You live the same life over and over again? XANDER: Talk about being caught in a rut. MACAVITY: Yes.......until-- RUFIO: Someone discovers the world really IS shaped like a bowling pin! YAKKO: It is? AUTHOR: No, now get on with it. DOT: Until what--there are no vampires left? Then what? MACAVITY: Then maybe I'll go to Heaven. MUNGO: I doub' i. SVEN: (smacks him) That's God's business, not yours. SPIKE: Who died and made you God's secretary? AUTHOR: Cut the God arguments out! Nobody bashes God on my set! I'm Pentecostal! SVEN: Ditto. SPIKE: (backs away) Freak. AUTHOR: We try. DOT: (to Macavity) Why don't you get a job? MACAVITY: I HAVE a job! I'm the Napoleon of crime! SVEN: Yeah, whatever. DOT: That is so dull. I'm going to be an actress! A big movie star, and people will worship me! YAKKO: Don't bet on it! SPIKE: Don't quit your day-job. DOT: (glares) MACAVITY: We should go to work. DOT: Yeah, quit before anyone has any fun. Look, I'm not going to croak that easily. I have something the other Slayers didn't have. SPIKE: Half a brain? BUFFY: I'm going to get you, Spike, you just wait. SPIKE: Like I've never heard that before. SVEN: Can we get Abominable now? JARETH: Call the Snowcone Guy! BUFFY AND SPIKE: (silence) DOT: My keen fashion sense. MACAVITY: Vampires of the world beware! SPIKE: OH NO!!!! NOT THAT!! KEEP IT AWAY!!!! BUFFY: Funny. DOT: You made a funny! Are you alright? Do you want to lie down? I know it hurts the first time. AUTHOR: Next section! Spike, you're on! DARK STREET **************** SPIKE: (in his car, which won't start) Figures. --Four vampires, including Murdoc, walk toward the car-- SPIKE: (reads his script, then grins evilly) Are you sure he's talking to the CAR!? AUTHOR: Yes, read. SPIKE: (shrugs) Okay, your idea. SVEN: Um--wait a minute. (reads the script) Can we skip some of this? The 'come on. baby, make me proud, oh yes' sounds like something he'd say about Buffy. ALL: (laughing) AUTHOR: Eww.. BUFFY: NEVER!!! SVEN: Spike isn't denying it. ALL: (look at Spike) SPIKE: No comment. AUTHOR: And we all know what 'no comment' means. WILLOW: (to Spike) You are one sick individual. SPIKE: No comment. MURDOC: Hello! We're still here to kill him! AUTHOR: What's stopping you? MURDOC: (gives a flat look) AUTHOR: Okay, Murdoc jumps on the roof of Spike's car. Spike drives into a park... SPIKE: Get off my car, dude! MURDOC: (smashes his fist through the top of the car) SPIKE: (drives to a low-hanging tree branch) DOT: Oh, the humanity! MURDOC: (pulls his arm out) I QUIT! AUTHOR: Murdoc, you won't feel a thing! You'll be back to normal at the end of the spoof! Now rewind! MURDOC: (loses his arm) SPIKE: (crashes the car) GILES: And the moral.....never loan Spike your car. SVEN: What are you complaining about? You got a better one! SPIKE: (gets out of the car to look at Murdoc) MURDOC: You ruined my new jacket! (turns to the other vampires) Kill him a lot! WILLOW: Isn't he already dead? MURDOC: A slight set back. Do it anyway. AUTHOR: Murdoc leaves, and the other vampires fight with Spike until Dot arrives and saves him....... Spike, did you hear me? SPIKE: (in vamp-mode--is beating up the vampires) SVEN: Hey! Get rid of the vamp-face! You're supposed to be human! DOT: (stands back and watches) Don't I get to fight? AUTHOR: Somebody make him follow the script! BUFFY: (gets up and decks him) SPIKE: (falls to the ground, back to human face) DOT: (drops anvils on the vampires) AUTHOR: I give up. DOT: (sitting on Spike) Hellooooo, Nurse! SPIKE: Somebody stake me! SVEN: He's in my next spoof! Nobody stakes him! AUTHOR: Mine too. Sorry Spikey, you have to live.....or exist, or whatever it is you do. SPIKE: Thanks........I think. DOT: Is that your car? SPIKE: No, it belonged to the vampires. I was just walking around outside, in the middle of the night, all alone. SVEN: Here's your sign. MACAVITY: (walks up and looks at the anvils) Interesting choice. DOT: Last minute decision. SPIKE: (to Macavity) Hey, you're that weird cat. MACAVITY: You've been hurt. SPIKE: Yeah, but I heal fast. AUTHOR: You're supposed to pass out. SPIKE: Why? AUTHOR: Buffy? BUFFY: (knocks Spike out) DOT: Do you know this guy? SVEN: Of course she does. He's her pet vampire punching bag. BUFFY: (smiles) DOT: I was talking to HIM! (points at Macavity) MACAVITY: He seems to be good at passing out whenever I pass by. SVEN: Forcefully passing out, but passing out none the less. AUTHOR: Next scene! DOT'S HOUSE ************** AUTHOR: Somebody wake Angel up! SVEN: I wondered why he was so quiet. SPIKE: I'll do it! BUFFY: Get back on the set where you belong! Angel, wake up! (nudges him) ANGEL: Is it over yet? AUTHOR: You wish. ANGEL: What'd I miss? SVEN: Some good arguments. AUTHOR: Okay, Dot, you can start now. DOT: Are you alright? SPIKE: I feel like a punching bag, but aside of that, I'm great. DOT: Do you want some water or anything? It's in here. SPIKE: (pulls out a bag of blood) No thanks, I got it covered. DOT: Ewwww. SPIKE: Do you do this often, or is it like a hobby? YAKKO: She drops anvils on people all the time. WAKKO: Yep. DOT: (glares) Not exactly. SPIKE: They were vampires, weren't they? SVEN: Da-uh! ANGEL: NO! Vampires couldn't possibly exist! AUTHOR: Ahem. DOT: You had a carload of stuff. Were you leavin'? SPIKE: Yeah, I was bailin'. See, I have this friend.....he's really a vampire bug-boy. It's not a good scene. It's a bad scene. XANDER: Look who's talking, Evil Dead! BUFFY: Ahem. SPIKE: And tomorrow, on the bus, I'm out of here. Why? You okay? DOT: Yeah, I'm fine. I didn't even strain myself. SPIKE: You're sure? DOT: I told you I didn't even try. SPIKE: Who are you? I mean you were such a flake--I mean that in a good way, really. I'm not just saying that because I'm afraid you'll drop an anvil on me-- SVEN: Whatever works. DOT: Things are kind of confusing. MURDOC: You can say that again. SPIKE: I'll buy that. DOT: Three weeks ago, all I could think about was....well, I didn't really think about anything. WAKKO: We know. DOT: (throws another shoe) you know what it's like when everything is suddenly different? Everything you thought was crucial seems totally stupid. SVEN: Yep. DOT: You find yourself babbling incoherently to a strange man in your living room? SPIKE: Well, I've never actually done that, but yeh, I get the point. DOT: I'm going to bed. You can stay in the guest room if you want. SPIKE: No I think I'll just wait here. Make sure---THE SUN COMES UP!!!???? I am NOT waiting in here for the sun to FRY me! AUTHOR: You don't have to. That's the end of the scene. JARETH'S CAVERN ************************ JARETH: (to Murdoc) You FOOL! You left the others behind because of a stupid thing like this!? It was their first kill! MURDOC: He took my arm! SVEN: He did not! You put it through the roof! MURDOC: Excuse me! I didn't want to do it! JARETH: It was your own fault! You reckless imbecile! The City of Angels is ours for the taking! MACGYVER: He's been taking for years already. AUTHOR: Shut up! Script! JARETH: Twelve hundred years old and you still behave like a child! SVEN: You ain't seen nothin' yet. MURDOC: Oh, this stinks! It isn't even a good pun! AUTHOR: Just say it! MURDOC: I had him in my grasp. JARETH: Cheer up, you may still...and do something about that arm. Honestly, I don't know how you ever made it through the Crusades. I'll be in my chamber....(picks up a bag of Cheet-os) Having a snack. SVEN: Hey! Share the wealth! WAKKO: Not FAIR! JARETH: It never is. (walks off with his Cheet-os) WOLVIE: You big cootie-head! CYKE: Thtoopid vampire Goblin King. AUTHOR: Next scene! SCHOOL HALLWAY ********************** BOMBA: Finally, we get to act again. SVEN: If you call that acting. BOMBA: HEY! After all those spoofs we've done, if you don't like my acting, quit using me. AUTHOR: She was teasing you! Just do your part. DEMETER: You know they found Cordelia's body up in the hills? SPIKE: Hey, good job, King! JARETH: (smiles) BOMBA: I know, it had been there for a week, all gross and icky. SVEN: So, who's hungry? SPIKE: ME!!! BUFFY: That's gross. SPIKE: Hello? Vampire? Creature of Darkness? DEMETER: Awful. BOMBA: She still had my jacket. VICTORIA: The yellow leather? You didn't get that back from her? DOT: Hey! That was MY jacket. DEMETER: Oh, I'm so sorry. XANDER: Is it just me, or do these girls strike you as shallow? SPIKE: It isn't just you. What a bunch of ditzes. JACK: (to Buffy) You didn't actually act like that, did you? BUFFY: No, I didn't. SPIKE: Yeah, sure, we believe you. ANGEL: You want me to drag him out of here and beat him? BUFFY: No thanks. I can handle it. AUTHOR: Not in MY spoof! Kill him later, now get back to the script! ANGEL: They're having a memorial service for her tomorrow. You going? OZ: I don't know. Coach told me I had to work on my abs. SPIKE: Might wanna work on the hair growth thing too, Fido. OZ: (glares) ANGEL: I am NOT grabbing her. DOT: Can I throw him against the lockers anyway? AUTHOR: No problem! Go for it! DOT: (grabs Angel and throws him up against the lockers) OZ: What is it with you? ANGEL: Me or her? OZ: Her. DOT: Don't grab me. SPIKE: (incoherent laughter) Angel got beat up by DOT WARNER!!! ALL EXCEPT BUFFY AND FRIENDS: Way to go DOT!!!! (loud cheering) ANGEL: I'm going to kill you, Spike! SPIKE: What'd I do? DOT hit you, not me! SVEN: It's because he refuses to take it out on Dot. She might drop and anvil on him. AUTHOR: Nobody kills Spike or Angel. they both star in "The Mummy". OZ: Hey, keep your hands off my thang! I'll pop you one! (to Dot) Did he scare you? DOT: No, I beat him up, I'm fine. OZ: Nice to be needed. DOT: I don't need you. I'm dumping you for a vampire. (smiles at Spike) SPIKE: (cringes) ANGEL: I hope you're real happy together. SPIKE: (glares) AUTHOR: End of scene. On to Macavity's house. MACAVITY'S HOUSE *********************** DOT: I've missed three practices already. If I'm not at that game tomorrow, everyone's gonna start talking. SVEN: Supposing they're not already talking. MUNGO: Knowin' 'er friends, they are. BOMBA: (squirts Mungo) MACAVITY: Another distraction. It isn't right. YAKKO: Why? Distractions can be good. JACK: Depends on the distraction. MURDOC: I can provide some good ones. AUTHOR: Not anything that's not in the script! MURDOC: (pouting) --A knock on the door interrupts-- AUTHOR: Who is it and what do you want? SARAH WILLIAMS: (enters) I was invited? SPIKE: Who are you? AUTHOR: Everyone, this is Sarah. Sarah, this is everyone. TEAZER: Is tha' the Sarah I played? AUTHOR: Yes. SPIKE: Hey, Jar, did you ever get the money for that babysitting job? JARETH: (smiles) SARAH: He stole it. SPIKE: Way to go, mate! SVEN: More Peanut Gallery, just what we need. AUTHOR: Good, now sit down, shut up, and Dot will continue. DOT: Why? Because it isn't in the Book of all Knowledgefulness that I'm going to be cheering at the Riverview game tomorrow? XANDER: You know obsessive behavior can be very ugly. MURDOC: (looks at MacGyver) Tell me about it. MACGYVER: Are you referring to my behavior or yours? SVEN: If the shoe fits, wear it. MACAVITY: None of the other girls ever gave me this much trouble. DOT: And where are they now? Hello. JACK: I guess she does have a point. SPIKE: Just because she has her friends help her out all the time. BUFFY: Not ALL the time. AUTHOR: Shut up! Next scene! Yakko is BACK!! ALL: HURRAY!!!! YAKKO: (takes a bow) RIVERVIEW GAME ******************** MACGYVER: If we all work together, together it will all work out! Are you with me? MURDOC: No. JARETH: Shut up and leave the pansy alone.. MURDOC: (snickers) MACGYVER: What was that? AUTHOR: Script! YAKKO: (comes in with fangs) MACGYVER: You missed practice again today. I think you better sit down and think about how that made me feel. YAKKO: Go team, go. Rah!! (looks around at the others, flashing his teeth) DOT: (takes the cheerleaders to the floor) Ready, okay! CHEERLEADERS: How funky is your chicken? How loose is your goose? Our goose is totally loose. So come on all you Hog fans, and shake your caboose. SPIKE: Did that even make sense? SVEN: Cheerleaders NEVER make sense. Look at them, they're cheering on a team that is obviously losers. **No offense to any cheerleaders...esp Jamie! Love ya, min van! SPIKE: Good point. BUFFY: Ahem. MACGYVER: Warner! Come on, you're in, and remember, you're someone special. YAKKO: (looks at MacGyver) Eeewww. (inches away) MACGYVER: I read it, I don't write it. MURDOC: Pedophile. MACGYVER: Shut up. YAKKO: (ignores him, and keeps the ball to himself) Bad show........mmmmmmmmm. WAKKO: What kind of line was that? YAKKO: (makes a basket, but still keeps the ball to himself) SVEN: Who's the referee? MUNGO: Did you miss anothe' one? AUTHOR: Thankyou for vollenteering, Mungo. Do the part. MUNGO: (stands up, grumbling) We can' 'ave this! I's no' roigh'! Ge' 'im ou' of there! MACGYVER: You're right, the points still stand, though, right? MUNGO: Yeh. YAKKO: (grins evilly, still keeping the ball to himself) MACGYVER: YOU get him out! MUNGO: No way! 'E'll drop an anvil on me, loik 'is sistah does! YOU ge' 'im ou'! ANGEL: Yakko's pretty much abandoned the concept of zones. DOT: (runs out onto the court and trips Yakko) WAKKO: That was rude. YAKKO: (looks at Dot and runs out) MACAVITY: Dot! DOT: He knows who I am! (runs out after him) --Rufio and Riley are sitting on motorcycles outside the gym-- RUFIO: (watches Dot) Must be halftime. RILEY: I'm not saying this. DOT: (pushes him off his bike, and rides away with it) RILEY: You dyke! DOT: Yakko, come on!! WAIT!! SPIKE: (sees the bike go by) All RIGHT!! I get to kill her brother now! (rides after them) DOT: (chases Yakko into a parade float storage area) YAKKO: (knocks her over) Ha ha! Someone get an ouchie? DOT: Yakko, it's ME! Dot, your sister! Remember? We live in a water tower, and we always break out to drive people insane! YAKKO: Now I'm a KING! SPIKE: Now, you're a coat-rack! (holds up the stake) AUTHOR: Yakko, you're dead. Go join the Peanut Gallery. SPIKE: Don't I actually get to kill him? SVEN: Not YAKKO!! You CAN'T kill Yakko! SPIKE: Why? AUTHOR: Because he's Yakko, that's why. Now keep going. --Two more vampires attack Dot and Spike. Dot drops an anvil on one, and Spike stakes the other-- DOT: What are you doing here? SPIKE: What am I doing here? Saving your butt. I seem to do that a lot when it comes to Slayers. BUFFY: You do NOT! You just like to get in the way! SPIKE: You wish! DOT: I could have done it alone. SPIKE: Yeh, well, the script says I have to help you. DOT: Figures. SVEN: Where did the X-Babies go? AUTHOR: (looks around) I don't know. They're supposed to play vampires later, so they better be back. Someone go find them. YAKKO: I'll do it! AUTHOR: No way! Sarah, go find them. You can meet your Creepy blue brother. SARAH: Right. (gets up and leaves) AUTHOR: Back to Dot and Spike. DOT: You shouldn't have come back. SPIKE: Where am I gonna go? These guys are everywhere here, and I want to do some damage. GILES: Don't you do enough? SPIKE: Sod off. (continues) I'm good with damage. BUFFY: You can say that again. DOT: I need to find Macavity. DEMETER: Macavity! SVEN: (squirts her) AUTHOR: To Jareth! Oh yeah, and Murdoc! JARETH: I did not expect to see you so soon. SVEN: Well, you could have read the script! SPIKE: I know that guy. That is a bad guy. Can we go now? RUFIO: That was so detailed and direct. JARETH: (to Author, aghast) Am I a BAD GUY? SVEN: Da-uh! AUTHOR: You are right now. TEAZER: (yelling) 'Ey Sarah!!! Come see the Goblin King be the bad guy! SARAH: (enters) AUTHOR: Find them? SARAH: Just him. (holds up Creepy) AUTHOR: Creepy, where's the others? CREEPY: I'da know. we were playing Hide and Seek. AUTHOR: (shrugs) Okay, Jareth, continue. JARETH: Has our time finally come? Come closer. DOT: (looking hypnotized) SPIKE: Am I the only one that has a problem with this? YAKKO: No. I think Dot is sick. SARAH: No, she's not. He does that all the time. TEAZER: Tell me abou' i'. Misto did tha' to me. JARETH: Come into my eyes. SPIKE: Hey, hello!! He's not carrying a crush here. This guy's a bloodsucking fiend from beyond the grave! SVEN: Look who's talking, Dustbunny! SPIKE: (glares) Who asked you? MURDOC: Will you be wagging that jaw of yours while I'm biting it off? JACK: Now THAT was a threat. SPIKE: Are you addressing I? MURDOC: Who's ready to stop me? JARETH: It isn't you, Macavity. MACAVITY: (sneaking up with a dagger) Not fair. JARETH: You finally brought me someone real, but is she ready? MUNGO: She can drop an anvil on you from twen'y paces. Is tha' good enough? MACAVITY: Actually, she's a pain in the arse. JARETH: What a pity. SVEN: Boy, are YOU suited for this part. JARETH: (smiles) SPIKE: Your move, Macavity. Die like a man. MURDOC: (pulls Spike away) SPIKE: Come on, lefty. Remember what happened last time you messed with me. MURDOC: I remember. (picks Spike up by his shirt) SPIKE: Why I ought'a-- AUTHOR: Careful, Spike...He's human.......we think. SPIKE: (kicks Murdoc) OWWW!!!! (grabs his head) SVEN: Wow, Murdoc really IS human! PENNY: He is? MACGYVER: No way! MURDOC: (throws Spike into a wall) SPIKE: Bloody HELL!!!!! BUFFY: Cool! MACAVITY: She's not ready for you, Jareth. JARETH: Too bad....I had such high hopes. (leans in to bite her) Close your eyes. MACAVITY: NO!!! Not this one! JARETH: (stabs Macavity with his own knife) Ashes to ashes..... WAKKO: Oh, the humanity. SARAH: Did he just kill him? SVEN: Yeah, but Mungo can bring him back. He's Miracle Max! SARAH: (looks at Mungo) MUNGO: Do I 'ave to? AUTHOR: Yes. JARETH: Dust to dust. We're leaving, Murdoc. MURDOC: We're not eating? SPIKE: Typical. SVEN: Shut up, you weren't eating anyway. SPIKE: Fine, rub it in. AUTHOR: Mungo, you and Teazer get Macavity, and bring him back. MUNGO & TEAZER: (pick up Macavity, and carry him off, grumbling) DOT: He's not supposed to be dead yet! He was supposed to give me last minute advice! AUTHOR: Pretend he did, now go to Macavity's house with Spike. XANDER: And do what? SPIKE: Not what you think, pervert. She's a bit young. SVEN: And Buffy's not? Hello, you're over a hundred and forty! SPIKE: Who said anything about Buffy? AUTHOR: Oh, shut up! We all know you like her! We saw your face when she kissed you in "The Spoof Strikes Back"! BUFFY: Don't remind me. SPIKE: You liked it, and you know it, now butt out! ANGEL: I can still beat him! BUFFY: So can I. AUTHOR: Nobody's beating anybody unless it's in the script! Now continue the story! At Macavity's house, Dot packs up, and Spike watches. Now on to the school gym!!!! MACGYVER: Exactly what was the point of that scene? SPIKE: It was pointless there was no point. SCHOOL GYM *************** --Victoria, Bomba, and Demeter are making decorations for the dance in the middle of the gym floor-- VICTORIA: It was really mondo bizaarro. WAKKO: Is that a brand of pizza? I'm hungry. YAKKO: (elbows him) When are you not? BOMBA: Oh please. When she ran out onto the court in the middle of the game, was that the most out- of-it thing, or did I blink? SPIKE: You might have blinked. SVEN: Sibling rivalry. She had an urge to kill her brother. Give her a break. VICTORIA: No. Way mental---what does that mean anyway? AUTHOR: Do I look like I have a dictionary of ditz-girl phrases? SPIKE: Ask Buffy. BUFFY: (glares) DEMETER: Hi Dot! DOT: (has just entered the gym) Hi guys. BOMBA: You were supposed to be here at three. SVEN: That way, they'd have to find someone else to talk about. DOT: Yeah, I know. I forgot. BOMBA: What's the sitch? You're acting like Thing-From-Another-Tax-Bracket. It's too weird. DOT: A lot's been going on. That's what I wanted to tell you about. You see, a few weeks ago, I met this cat-- DEMETER: Macavity! BOMBA: (covers Demeter's mouth) Oh wow! You're having an affair? VICTORIA: Cool! DEMETER: With HIM!? Eeeww. DOT: It's not about that. He's old, he's like fifty. MUNKU: He is NOT! He's barely seven! SVEN: Fifty's young compared to Spike! AUTHOR: And Spike's young compared to Angel, now can we continue? DOT: Haven't you guys noticed what's been going on here? Strange things? People disappearing, and turning up dead? VICTORIA: What are you talking about? BOMBA: Weird? What, you mean like hanging around with that homeless Poke? DOT: Spike. VICTORIA: Eeeeewwww. You're having an affair with HIM!??? DEMETER: He doesn't look fifty. SVEN: He's not! We said he was over a hundred and forty, remember? DOT: I think reality checked out of here about five minutes ago. YAKKO: I think it checked out a lot sooner than that! AUTHOR: Ahem. BOMBA: Oh thank you very much! VICTORIA: Like YOU'VE got a grip. DEMETER: You're so out of it. You've blown off cheerleading, and now dance committee. DOT: Excuse me for having something important to do. BOMBA: This happens to be the dance. RUFIO: No, really? DOT: Right. It's a dance. A stupid dance with a lot of stupid people that I see every stupid day. SPIKE: You tell 'er, YOU tell 'er!!! VICTORIA: So now we're like, stupid? SVEN: Yes. SPIKE: I can't believe they're just now discovering this. BOMBA: You know, Dot, this isn't just any dance. It happens to be the last dance of our last year. VICTORIA: Except for that semi-formal. BOMBA: Right. DEMETER: And the totally formal. BOMBA: Oh yeah. VICTORIA: And the Senior Prom. SARAH: Airheads. JARETH: (seated next to her) Yep. BOMBA: Okay, look, Dot. If you want to play house with the unwashed masses, that's fine, but personally, I think a little prioritizing is in order here. SPIKE: Who are you calling 'unwashed'? BUFFY: You DO live in a cemetery crypt. SPIKE: I am NOT unwashed! I DO bathe. BUFFY: (innnocently) In what? SPIKE: (glares) DOT: What language are you speaking? BOMBA: They said it was 'ditz-girl', am I good? DOT: Totally! BOMBA: Get out of my facial! (walks out) VICTORIA: Well, I guess you got what you came for. Later for it! (leaves) DOT: Demi? DEMETER: (follows the others) AUTHOR: CUT! Okay, street scene! Dot and Spike! STREET ********** SPIKE: Hey, Dot! I've been looking all over for you. ANGEL: Now who sounds desperate? SPIKE: Sod off! DOT: I'm shopping! Don't try to stop me! YAKKO: No NEVER! That would be dangerous! SPIKE: (reads script) Why do I need wrenches? AUTHOR: Hey, that's your business. SPIKE: (shrugs) What do you need? SVEN: Her sanity? AUTHOR: A good anti-psychotic? DOT: (glares) AUTHOR: Sorry, I meant for myself. DOT: A dress. SPIKE: Why? DOT: To wear. SVEN: Here's your sign. SPIKE: I read it, I don't write it. For what? DOT: Dance. SPIKE: Vampires holding a dance? How shallow. They didn't even invite me. AUTHOR: Ahem. SPIKE: Making it sound interesting. This is kind of a stupid conversation. Who's he to complain because she wants a life? Can you blame her? BUFFY: Amen. AUTHOR: Just read the script. Start at the 'kill vampires' line. SPIKE: You're a morbid little person, aren't you? AUTHOR: Not really, just a weirdo. SPIKE: Alright then,--I thought you wanted to kill vampires. DOT: I don't want to kill anybody, okay? And I don't want to talk about this anymore! JACK: Yeah, shame on you for talking to a little kid about killing. DOT: I'm not a kid! SVEN: Yeah, do you see her running around the yard, saying 'nah'? XANDER: Now, THAT would be interesting to see. OZ: Watch it, she'll drop an anvil on you. DOT: (smiles) SPIKE: What about Macavity? DOT: Macavity's dead. SPIKE: Well, yeh, but they're going to bring him back. AUTHOR: Script! SPIKE: Cheap shot. DOT: He's dead because of me. Because I couldn't lift a hand against Jareth. SARAH: Just tell him he doesn't have any power over you. JARETH: That doesn't work in this one, dear. SPIKE: Life sucks, I'll give you that--good thing I'm dead--But you're the---Wait a minute!! She's a GUY!? Oh BLOODY HELL!!! She KISSED me!!! I almost MARRIED her!! (runs off set and spits in the trashcan) ANGEL: WHAT!? Did he just say what I think he said? BUFFY: It was Willow's spell. ANGEL: Not THAT!! You're a GUY!? I SLEPT with you!!! MUNGO: This is ge'in' intrestin'. ALL: (lean forward to watch) RILEY: Oh man!! I slept with her TOO!! ANGEL & RILEY: (jump up and run for the bathroom) GILES: (incoherent laughter) AUTHOR: Wakko, get the plunger. ALL EXCEPT BUFFY: (more incoherent laughter) BUFFY: I am NOT a guy! SVEN: Shut up! Look at them freak out! BUFFY: (bites her lip) AUTHOR: You're laughing! BUFFY: (joins in the laughter) AUTHOR: Break time!!! Give the guys an hour to burn their clothes and vomit before we let them know she's actually a woman. ALL: (still laughing) --Author returns three hours later--- ***************************** SPIKE: Where have you been? AUTHOR: Have you gotten all this settled? Buffy's female, no burning of clothes, etc.... RUFIO: Yep, now they're just arguing about Buffy kissing Spike. YAKKO: Mister Giles said they were playing tonsil hockey in front of him. Ewwww. SVEN: Okaaaay. ANGEL: So where have you two been? SVEN: Working. AUTHOR: Big church meeting, you wouldn't be interested. Where were we? DOT: Buffy's a guy. BUFFY: I am NOT! JARETH: We already established that. She was just saying where we were. AUTHOR: Okay, Dot's the Chosen One, and..... DOT: And I choose to be shopping. SPIKE: I should have known. DOT: Leave me alone, alright? SPIKE: Xander was right--Wow, what a concept. XANDER: Hey! SPIKE: Sod off, you're supposed to be hiding! AUTHOR: Script! SPIKE: You're all exactly the same! Bunch of stupid snobs with those pouty faces and fancy shampoo commercial hair, YECH! SVEN: Spike.....breath. MURDOC: This one has issues. MACGYVER: Look who's talking. AUTHOR: You both have issues, now shut up! Spike rides away and Xander comes out . XANDER: I'm just now learning her name? Didn't we hear it earlier? AUTHOR: Just say the line, so we can end the section. XANDER: Dot? DOT: No. Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca, Bananafana Bo Besca....the Third! SPIKE: Dot works. AUTHOR: Next section. Back to Jareth. JARETH'S CAVERN **************** MURDOC: Dot. The name we weren't supposed to know. JARETH: Lay out my suit. We will be attending the dance. MURDOC: Dance? Master, what are we waiting for? The Slayer is unmasked, let's finish it. JARETH: We'll wait until Saturday. MURDOC: Why? JARETH: I want to dance. SARAH: Big surprise there. JARETH: Shut up, you had your chance. AUTHOR: End of scene--Spike is now sharpening stakes at his place-- SPIKE: Why would I do that? SVEN: It's in the script. AUTHOR: Dot is shopping for a dress..still, and then Spike is shaving... SPIKE: Shaving WHAT!? BUFFY: We don't want to know. SPIKE: (glares) AUTHOR: School gym now. Bomba and Victoria are commenting people's outfits. BOMBA: That's not very nice. AUTHOR: Just do it. SPIKE: Nike!! AUTHOR: Funny. SVEN: How much television do you watch? SPIKE: Lots. AUTHOR: Nike is "boing" now. Pay more attention. POUNCE: Boingy! POUNCE, YAKKO, AND WAKKO: Boingy, boingy, boingy..... JARETH: Not again. SVEN: At least they're not wearing "Firey" suits. AUTHOR: Victoria! VICTORIA: Nice outfit. BOMBA: (snickers) VICTORIA: This one doesn't have a mirror at home. BOMBA: (laughs) AUTHOR: Dot enters and sees Angel. DOT: Have you seen Oz? ANGEL: If I say no, are you going to drop an anvil on me? DOT: Possibly. ANGEL: No. DOT: (walks away to Bomba and Victoria) Hi guys. VICTORIA: Hi. DOT: Have you seen Oz? The limo didn't show up, and I thought he might be here. BOMBA & VICTORIA: (look at her strangely) DOT: What? Do I have a zit? BOMBA & VICTORIA: (snicker) DOT: (turns around to see Oz) There you are. Hi. OZ: What are you doing here? DOT: I thought we were going to come together. OZ: I thought you dumped me for a vampire. AUTHOR: Script! OZ: I'm here with Demi. MUNKU: WHAT!? SVEN: Relax, man. He's a pollicle! DEMETER: WHAT!? AUTHOR: Werewolf. DEMETER: (runs off set, and into Munku's arms) SAVE ME!!!!!!! OZ: Funny. (leaves the set) DOT: We're supposed to have an argument. AUTHOR: He broke up with your machine. We all know. Now go stand in the cardboard jungle and look left out. DOT: (breaks into noisy tears) SVEN: Somebody give her an Oscar! DOT: (smiles and takes a bow) Thankyou, thankyou. AUTHOR: Enter SPIKE! SPIKE: (reenters, after having changed his clothes) BUFFY: (stares openmouthed) SVEN: Wow girl, drool much? --For those who aren't present, He's wearing tight black jeans, a white shirt, black vest, and his leather duster-- SPIKE: (holds the coat open and poses) DOT: (snaps off a roll of film) Helloooooo, NURSE!!! AUTHOR: Now back to the show. SPIKE: I crashed your party. DOT: How shallow of you. SPIKE: I'm pretty shallow. ANGEL: We know. DOT: Glad you came. SPIKE: You seemed to be having a good time. Queen of the cardboard jungle and all. DOT: (smiles) SPIKE: Would I get an anvil dropped on me if I asked you to dance? DOT: Maybe. DOT & SPIKE: (start dancing) BUFFY: (leans forward in her chair) SPIKE: You know, Dot. You're not like other girls. DOT: Yes I am. DOT & SPIKE: (are now kissing) BUFFY: (falls out of her chair) SVEN: Great show. WAKKO: (eating popcorn) Them or her? (points at Buffy) AUTHOR: Both. DOT & SPIKE: (still kissing) --Suddenly, a loud female shriek is heard across the set-- SPIKE: (looks up in shock at the Author) Tell me that was you. AUTHOR: You didn't read the whole cast list, did you? DOT: Who's that? FIGURE IN DOORWAY: (removes her hood) SPIKE: Oh no, you did NOT! DRUSILLA: (stands quietly, while the X-Babies come out from behind her) We were playing Hoid an' Seek. AUTHOR: People scream. There are vampires out there, then the X-Babies and Dru are standing in the doorway. DOT: Nobody go near the door! RUFIO: NO! Actually, that was my first impulse. SHOWER: Party time! DOT: Don't worry, they can't come in, unless they're invited! SPIKE: They're already invited. How do you think they GOT here? DRU: I was invoited. ANGEL: Figures. DRU: Moi Angel. SPIKE: (glares) SVEN: Stop it! You kissed Dot! And you nearly married buffy! DRU: WHAT!!? AUTHOR: Oh great. Now we've got the bloody Jerry Springer show. Nice job, Sven. MUNGO: You mean the Jerrie MUNGO show. AUTHOR: Just get on with the spoof, and have the fight later. Dru, don't worry, you're Angel's lover in the next one. ANGEL, BUFFY, & SPIKE: She's WHAT!?? DRU: (smiles) AUTHOR: Sven and I agreed. She's the closest in looks to Anuk-su-namun, and Angel's playing the part of Imhotep. SPIKE: Okay, I get to kill Angel anyway. SVEN: How 'bout we continue with THIS spoof, before we discuss the next? AUTHOR: ACTION! MISTI Q: We want her! We want DOT! Send her out! WOLVIE: (snikt) Or we'll come in! GILES: Hey, I have detention slips, and I'm not afraid to use them! XANDER: Oh, I'm really afraid. SPIKE: We've got a problem, and I've got a bag of solutions. What are we going to do about it? DOT: You're staying here. SPIKE: What!? DOT: If any of them get in here, it's going to be a total stain. SPIKE: You say that like it's a bad thing. BOMBA: Hey! DOT: It's a good thing one of us is prepared. SPIKE: I'm not lettin' you go out there by yourself! DOT: (kisses him) Don't piss me off. (gets up, and rips off half her dress) SPIKE: Dot WAIT! (throws her his duster, which is a bit big) Don't damage it, or I'll kill you. OUTSIDE THE GYM ******************** --Dot does a series of flips through the crowd of vampires, made up of Dru, The X-Babies, Cordelia, and Xander-- GYM WINDOW ************** BOMBA: It's okay, I think they're going after her. "VAMPIRES": (turn toward the gym, after Murdoc waves them on) AUTHOR: Skip the sex scene. Oz and Demi aren't together. OZ: (sitting with Willow) She's a CAT!!! MURDOC: Run Dot, run. (chases her into the main building and corners her) Hi Dot, how's it going? DOT: I'm fine, but you’re obviously having a bad hair day. MURDOC: Funny. DOT: (runs off) MURDOC: (chases her) AUTHOR: Back in the gym, Spike is fighting vampires. SPIKE: Just another day. RUFIO: This party stinks, man. XANDER: (to Spike) Come on, come on, fight like a MAN! (throws Spike onto a table) SPIKE: This is so unfair! I can't even hit him back! XANDER: See Spike? Ain't it great? Finally got those snobs on the run. Honestly, I leave you alone for five minutes and look who you're hanging out with! But it doesn't have to be this way! SPIKE: Give me a break, Bug-Boy. XANDER: Why do you like these people? They're sheep! SVEN: Is it just me, or is he a little into character? AUTHOR: Beating up Spike is going to his head. MAIN BUILDING **************** MURDOC: I'll get you, Dot, and your little dog, too. ANGEL: Does he mean Oz or Spike? AUTHOR: Niether, now shut up. MURDOC: You're going to feed me. You don't think you can stand up to me, do you? Admit it, Dot. Aren't there times when you feel a little...less than fresh? SVEN: When did this become an arm deodorant commercial? BUFFY: I was thinking pantyliners. YAKKO: Ew. DOT & MURDOC: (fighting) MACGYVER: (leans forward) MURDOC: You're pathetic! You're not even fit to die for him! We're immortal, Dot. We can do anything! DOT: (holds up the stake) Oh yeah? Clap! JACK: You tell him! MURDOC: Not funny. You're going to wish you'd died! JARETH: (Standing nearby) We're waiting! DOT: (stakes Murdoc) MURDOC: Ahh, ohh, ahhh, ooo, (pauses to look at Dot) Ahhh, ohhh, eeee, ahhh, (kicks the wall) Ahhh, oooo, ugghhh. (falls over) ALL: (standing ovation) SVEN: Somebody give HIM an Oscar! MACGYVER: Is he dead? AUTHOR: He's Murdoc. Don't get your hopes up. MACGYVER: Right. (sits back down) JARETH: You know this is our night. DOT: I do. JARETH: Wasn't it good? DOT: What? JARETH: Killing him. Your first real kill. PENNY: Killing Murdoc....I guess that does take effort. MACGYVER: Tell me about it. GYM ****** SPIKE: Where is she? SVEN: Read the script! XANDER: She's meat for the beast! JARETH: Who are you calling a beast? XANDER: (ignores him) The Master wants her...and Uncle Sam wants you! SPIKE: I'm sure they do, but after this chip, do you honestly think I'd go back? SVEN: I think Xander has gone bye-bye. XANDER: (slams Spike up against the wall) SPIKE: (pushes Xander away) Things change....ALEX! XANDER: Ahh, man! What's up with that? BUILDING *************** JARETH: It's time to put away childish things. DOT: (glares) Well, I would, but they ARE my brothers. YAKKO & WAKKO: Hey! GYM ********** AUTHOR: Go for it, Spike! It's not gonna zap you! We thought you deserved a break! SPIKE: (grins in glee) Bye-bye, Bug Boy! (Electrocutes him) SVEN: Mungo, we have another one! BUFFY: Did he just kill Xander? AUTHOR: How many times do we have to tell you---We can BRING HIM BACK!!!!!! SPIKE: (smiles, contentedly) Ahhh, that felt great. BUILDING ************* DOT: Silence. JARETH: Look at me. DOT: The rest is silence. That stuff Macavity was supposed to tell me. JARETH: Okay, fine. I guess we fight now, right? DOT: I guess so. JARETH: (shrugs) I am life beyond death, and you are just like all the other girls! DOT: Maybe I'll surprise you. (hold up a crucifix) AUTHOR: No burning crucifixes. Skip the hairspray. JARETH: Whatever. DOT: (runs off) GYM ******* --The X-Babies are all over the gym floor, playing dead.-- AUTHOR: Giles gives them all detention slips. GILES: That seems rather pointless, doesn't it? BUFFY: He wasn't very bright. AUTHOR: Okay, Dot's back! ANGEL: Hey look, it's Buffy! BOMBA: Dot. ANGEL: Whatever. BOMBA: NO!!! Don't let her in! They'll kill us! GILES: (knocks Bomba out) ANGEL: Dot, I didn't think I was ever going to see you again! Are you alright? DOT: Get out of the way!! Go find Spike! SPIKE: (sticks his tongue out) Nah nah! ANGEL: (backhands Spike) SPIKE: (hits him back) SVEN: Somebody separate those two! AUTHOR: (marches onset, and yanks Angel back) Go sit DOWN! SPIKE: (stares) AUTHOR: (to Spike) And YOU! Back to your place. --Spike goes to his place and everyone on set is staring at the Author-- AUTHOR: Never hurts to ask nicely. BUFFY: Oookaaay. JARETH: (rips a hole in the wall) I'll have you BEG!! Split open like rotten fruit--all of you! GILES: That is definitely not a student. RUFIO: NO! PEANUT GALLERY: (snickers) JARETH: (picks up Dot) You are my destiny. I could never hurt you. DOT: (smiles) Really? SPIKE: HEY! SARAH: That's not FAIR! JARETH: Didn't I tell you that you already had your chance? SVEN: Could we just get the killing over with? SARAH: You're going to really kill him? AUTHOR: For the ten-thousandth time!! Mungo can bring him back!!! JARETH: (shrugs) If he doesn't do a good job, I have two brothers who can kill him. MUNGO: (cringes) AUTHOR: Continue the script. JARETH: (turns to the crowd of students) I'm going to send you screaming to the pits of Hell!! Trust me! VICTORIA: He tells us that, and now we're supposed to trust him? RUFIO: Not a chance. DOT: (runs to a door and grabs a flag on a wooden stick) JARETH: I haven't finished with you, yet. SPIKE: (jumps on him) I got him! JARETH: (throws him off) SPIKE: Okay, he's all yours! DOT & JARETH: (fighting) RUFIO: How cute. JARETH: Now, I'm really pissed. DOT: (stakes him) JARETH: (falls to the floor) SVEN: MUNGO!!! MUNGO: I'm no' finished wi' the other two! DOT: (runs over to Spike and sits on his legs) Spike? SPIKE: Ohh, I used to be. You okay? DOT: Didn't even strain myself, how are you? SPIKE: I can't move my legs. DOT: Why? SVEN: Da-uh! SPIKE: You're sittin' on them. DOT: (gets up) Okay, come on. (helps Spike up) SPIKE: Did I do all this? DOT: No. DRU: 'E did mos' of i'. I saw him. SVEN: Is she still alive? SPIKE: (gives a dirty look) She's in the next one. We couldn't kill her. The Author would pitch a fit. AUTHOR: True, now continue. SPIKE: (to Dot) Did you do all this? DOT: Yep. AUTHOR: Skip the dance. Spike and Dot ride off together on Spike's motorcycle! CREDITS//NEWS CAST ********************** TV: .......And laid siege, as you will, to the Henry Senior dance. ANGEL: (laughing) They had fangs--what a concept-- They were biting people! (more laughing) They had this look in their eyes, totally cold...(incoherent laughter) I can't do this..... AUTHOR: Ahem. ANGEL: I think they were...X-Babies. ALL: (incoherent laughter) GILES: It was like a nightmare in there. Of course I had to keep my head, but I've been there, you know. I AM a Watcher, after all.... ALL: We know, we know. BOMBA: I'm very happy to accept this honor, and I will try very hard to fulfill my needs as your next Miss America...... RUFIO: That didn't make much sense, did it? GILES: I do think the students learned a valuable lesson on safety, except the dead ones, of course... ALL: (more laughter) OZ: Well, I thought something was wrong, especially after Dot dumped me for Spike, I mean, how shallow is that? MACGYVER: Get over it, man. AUTHOR: (playing newscaster) Details are sketchy as to exactly who is responsible. Gang members, cultists.... SVEN: Power Rangers... RUFIO: Seek help. AUTHOR: (continues) Everyone seemed to see something different. This is Cassi from Spoofland, reporting! BACK IN THE BUILDING ************************ MURDOC: (sits back up) Ahhh, oooo, eeee, ugghh! (falls over again) ALL: (laughter) MACGYVER: Is he dead this time? MURDOC: (sits up, then stands up, yanks out the stake, and takes a bow) ALL: (standing ovation) MURDOC: (continues bowing) Thankyou, thankyou! (straightens up) Good night, everybody!! (walks offset) AFTER THE SPOOF ********************** CASSI: Well, it's over!! Jareth, Xander, and Macavity are once again alive and well, and... MURDOC: I got my arm back!!!! I'm satisfied!!! CASSI: And you won a Spoof-Oscar! Congratulations! MACAVITY: How come we had to die, and he didn't? CASSI: MacGyver? MACGYVER: You don't know Murdoc. SVEN: If Widowmaker didn't kill him, nothing will! YAKKO: Where did Dot and Spike go? AUTHOR: Not a clue! Good bye everyone, and come back for the next one! THE END COMING SOON: (BY CASSI) "THE VAMPIRE MUMMY" --BUT FIRST--"SHADOWS OF THE SPOOF", BY SVEN. ALSO BY EVIL AUTHORS #1: "STAR WARS, THE NEW SPOOF" (SVEN) #2: "LABYRINTH, A SPOOF" (CASSI) #3: "STAR WARS, THE SPOOF STRIKES BACK" (SVEN) The end Please review and tell me your opinion!!!!^_^