"THE FORBIDDEN SPOOF: THE CHASE" By Cassi (evilspoofauthor2) Episode # 28 (spoof 28) Spoof Season 5 -6 (half in 5 half in 6) Parody of "The Forbidden Game: The Chase" by LJ Smith (second in the Forbidden Game Trilogy.) ******************************************************************** DISCLAIMER: I'm only borrowing them, although I really am trying to get Romano to sell me his soul at least for a year's service. Unfortunately, he refuses so far.....stubborn stubborn...anyways, they don't belong to us....we hate disclaimers, because if we took the time to say where ALL the characters were from in every spoof, we'd have an entire section just made up of the cast list and Peanut Gallery. So if you don't know where the ones we've used 200 times are from by now, go back and read the other spoofs. We can't help you. We tell newbies and original characters. Also, I am well aware of the fact that Jenny's brother's name is Joey, not Cody. However, I found this too late to change the last few spoofs, so it will continue to appear as Cody. In the lines of Romano and the situation with his arm, this story starts just after Youth Elixir ended and his arm is now only in a simple bandage. We've caught up to about the time of "No Good Deed goes Unpunished." When he was learning that his arm is getting worse. Bummer, and you'd think he would want to have it back. However, he's staying with the show and not replacing himself quite yet, as he's waiting until he "has no other choice"....that, and we think it's because he's hoping Elizabeth will go out with him. Dinosaur names and personalities belong to the spoofauthors, Jawas belong to the spoofauthors, Marx Babies belong to the spoofauthors, Xanth and all related belong to Mr. Piers Anthony. Any Zorro reference is from New World Zorro series, which I've heard Fox owns now....not me...Fox...everyone got that? So, now that all the other crap's out of the way, I give you..... ******************************************************************** THE CAST SHEET ****************** JENNY THORNTON..............................................Tara Maclay JULIAN....................................................................Legolas Greenleaf TOM LOCKE...........................................................Lance "Avalanche" DIERDRE "DEE" ELIADE.....................................Betsy Braddock "Psylocke" AUDREY MYERS...................................................Jessie Musashi ZACHARY TAYLOR.............................................Warren Wothington III "Archangel" MICHAEL COHEN.................................................James Morgan CREEPER..................................................................Arbok LURKER...................................................................Bites With A Passion (Cassi's Neverwolf) ABA..........................................................................Ororo Monroe "Storm" MR. THORNTON....................................................Frank Donovan MRS. THORNTON..................................................Alex Cross CODY THORNTON.................................................Gumbo KIAH ELIADE..........................................................Psychilde CAM PARKER-PEARSON.....................................Snaggletooth MR. PARKER-PEARSON.......................................Kurt Wagner "Pharaoh Nightcralwer I" MRS. PARKER-PEARSON.....................................Kitty Pryde 1 "Shadowcat" MRS. BIRKENKAMP..............................................Jellylorum ANGELA SEACOMB..............................................Rachel Greene (ER) ERIC RANKIN..........................................................Evan "Spyke" BRIAN DETLINGER................................................Pietro "Quicksilver" MR. TAYLOR...........................................................Doug Ross PSYCHIC...................................................................Dot, Yakko & Wakko Warner GORDIE WILSON...................................................."Mad" Chris Knight NARRATORS..........................................................Robert Romano & Elizabeth Corday POLICE OFFICERS **************** Carey Mahoney (Police Academy) & Debbie Calahan (Police Academy) NEIGHBORHOOD CHILDREN **************************** X-Babies, Brotherhood of Mutant Bullies, &the Marx Babies ALSO FEATURING ******************* Jigglypuff, Pikachu, Cassie Wolfgirl (Cassi), Krissy the Animal Girl (Sven) , Fiddles(Sven), Harley (Cassi's Alphawolf), Rufio, Tornado (Zorro), Moonbeam (Sven--Fiddles' mother), Night Mare (Wolfgirl's horse), the Jawas, Pepe le Pew, Babcock the Wonder Gerbil (ER), Romano's pet parrot (Cassi), various Pokemon, and any # of surprises. PEANUT GALLERY (takes deep breath) ************************************ Sven, Pippin, Chris Mason, Dor (Xanth), Lucy Knight (ER), Peter Benton, John Carter, Ardeth Bay, Rick O'Connell, Evelyn O'Connell, Alex O'Connell, Imhotep, Glory, Penny Carnahan, Jonathan Carnahan, Fox Mulder, Richard Langly, Nikki Langly, John Byers, Melvin Frohike, Jimmy Bond, Yves "Lois" Bond, Buffy Summers, Dawn Summers, Spike Xander Harris, Rupert Giles, Samuel Gerard, Noah Newman (US Marshals), Cosmo Renfro, Bobby Biggs, Logan Wolverine, Murdoc, MacGyver, Jack Dalton, Pete Thornton, Scott Summers, Jean Grey, Merry Brandybuck, Jumper (Xanth), Aragorn, Angelus, Angel, Lorne, Agent Jay, Agent Kay, Ash Ketchum, Misty, Todd "Toad", Miranda Barrett(Cassi) Marissa A. Barrett (Cassi), Betsy (Outbreak), Lando Calrissian, Michael Cohen, Dee Eliade, Summer Parker-Pearson, Audrey Myers, Cody Thornton, Zorro (duh), Felipe(Zorro) Victoria Escalante (Zorro), Luis Ramone (Zorro), Sgt. Mendoza (Zorro), Crocodile Dundee, Roland Tembo, Burt Gummer, Ian Malcom, Alan Grant, Sarah Harding, Ellie Satler, Cody Forrester, Jake Shaw, Monica Davis, Bobby Drake, Laverne Hooks (Police Ac.), Moses Hightower (Police Ac), Eugene Tackleberry (duh), Grundy (Xanth), Irene (Xanth), Artemus Gordon (WWWest), James West (duh), Jareth, Stephan (Caillean Greywolf), Sarah Williams, Larvelle Jones (Police Ac), Luka Kovac, Hannibal Lecter, Jimmy Martinez (Cassi), Kathren Martin (Cassi), Mistoffolees, Pouncival, Tumblebrutus, Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, Leia Solo, Clarice Starling, Gabriel Cash, Kiki Cash, Magician Trent (Xanth), Shirley (ER), Randi Fronczak (ER), Jerry Markovic (ER), Sandy Lopez (ER) Irene (Xanth) and any number of people I may have forgotten at this point. **falls over panting** IN THE KID ROOM ******************** Kurt Wagner2, Yvette Carnahan, Reese Benton, Ella Greene, The X-Babies, The Marx Babies, The Brotherhood of Mutant Bullies, Kate and Tess Ross, Marissa Barrett (Cassi), and Emily Mason (Cassi).....and soon to come a few more mentioned in later chaps. MEDICAL ************** Mungojerrie, Rumpelteazer, 7of9, Dr. Hologram, Sam Daniels, Casey (Outbreak), Mj. Salt, Susan Lewis, Mark Greene, Abby Lockheart, Kerry Weaver, Dana Scully, Dave Malucci, Doug Ross, Carol Hathaway, Cleo Finch, Jing Mei Chen, Haleh Adams (ER), Michael Gallant (ER), Lily Jarvie (ER), Lydia Grabarsky (ER), Chuny Marquez (ER), Connie Oligano (ER), Yosh Takata (ER), & Malik McGrath (ER). SECURITY ************** Ryan Gaerity, Steve V Raptor, Nick V Raptor, Sara D Raptor, Bridget B Raptor, Ralph T Rex, Mrs. T Rex, Bill Spino, Timmy Compy & Co., and the Raptor Squad. ASSISTANTS TO THE AUTHOR **************************** Prince John, Robert Romano, Julian & Elizabeth Corday. CAMERA CAT: Bob, the Bobcat (Cassi) ******************************************************************** BEFORE THE SPOOF ********************* AUTHOR: We're back. ROMANO: More or less. LIZZIE: I would say less. **Yes, Elizabeth is being called Lizzie** JOHN: Less sanity? JULIAN: Sounds about right. --In the Author's box, the group is seated in a row from right to left: Prince John, Cassi, Romano, Lizzie, and Julian.-- All of them are wearing fluffy pikachu slippers, antennas, and various T shirts with different sayings on them: Prince John: bright red, reading "Robin- Hood sucks!" Cassi: gray sleeveless with a picture of a sawhorse/road cone, reading; "State animal of Kansas. (Paineous in Buttious)" **I actually have one of these.** Romano: black reading, "After the rush is over, I'm going to have a psychotic breakdown. I worked for it, I owe it to myself and nothing is going to deprive me of it." Lizzie: black, "If all men are idiots, I'm soon to be married to their King." **This is a joke about the fact that she will be married to Romano in "Spacefreaks." Only a joke, people. She really does like him, we all know it.** anyways, Julian's shirt. Midnight blue, reading "My wife is psychotic, what's your excuse?" **Crack at Jenny...also a joke.**-- ALL: (staring) ROMANO: What? SHIRLEY: Um....nothin...(looks away innocently) HALEH: That's disturbing. RYAN: (wearing his bomb squad tshirt) What is? **In Psychos: black, reads "Bomb technician." on the front, and on the back "If you see me running, try and keep up."** RANDI: Why do you have those things on your head? ROMANO: (raises an eyebrow) Because if we wear them elsewhere, they chaffe. Anything else? GREENE: Kind of cute, if you ask me. AUTHOR: We didn't. People, we need to get started again! SVEN: You've been around Chris Knight way too long. JULIAN: Hey, we picked out our own t shirts, thankyou very much. None of us "heart toxic waste" JENNY: (flatly) Ha ha. JULIAN: This one was Cassi's idea. JENNY: What about the dinosaur spoof? We still haven't found Cody. ROMANO: Well yes, but Cassi was lazy and didn't get transcripts yet... AUTHOR: You can take them if you want, Rob. ROMANO: (sarcastic) Right, I'll hold the pencil in one hand and the remote with my foot. AUTHOR: You know if you would just let us... ROMANO: No. I'm not doing that unless I have no other choice, and we can discuss it later. SVEN: (rolls her eyes) You're gonna regret it. ROMANO: No. LIZZIE: What? ROMANO: Not here. I'll tell you later. We need to start the spoof. TARA: We're at the second game now, right? JULIAN: Duh. LIZZIE: Which one again? ROMANO: The sequal to the one you saw in the Green Room. LIZZIE: (flips through the script) Oh yes, the one with the Game and the Shadowelf....and all the horses. JOHN: Yeah, but we don't need the horses for this one. JULIAN: Good. AUTHOR: Is everyone here? MURDOC: More or less. PIPPIN: Is he off the morphine yet? MURDOC: Stitches removed. Feel all better now. **Youth Elixir** RYAN: We're all sober now. SVEN: Although, Psychos was kind of funny for a while. CHUNY: I bet. I saw the lightsaber battle. **Youth Elixir** AUTHOR: You people should just feel fortunate you didn't have to deal with Romano on it. We had to watch him try to narrate while he was higher than a kite. LIZZIE: (snickering) Very funny, it was. I saw it. SHIRLEY: Not fair. SVEN: You can see it later. JOHN: Okay, main characters, get ready to act. AUTHOR: Hurry it up, people. We ain't got a whole year like last time. LEGOLAS: Even me?! I don't come in till later this time! ROMANO: So go soak your head until your first scene. LANCE: When do we get Kitty back? JULIAN: Not until the next one. Don't you read the script? Besides, we mentioned it in the last one. LANCE: (wolvie pout) MADCHRIS: (steps onto the set, dressed like Elmer Fudd, and carrying a shotgun) GALLANT: I don't think I want to know what that has to do with this story. CARTER: Didn't read the book, huh? GALLANT: No, was I supposed to? ROMANO: What is our policy about the Peanut Gallery not knowing what's going on? LIZZIE: This story has nothing to do with it. JULIAN: Very good. You're gonna fit in great. HALEH: I'm beginning to regret this. SVEN: It's taken you this long to regret it? We're losing our touch. Most regret it the moment they arrive. DOR: When is the spoof starting? ROMANO: Chris Knight and Bites! Front and center! LIZZIE: ACTION! THE SPOOF BEGINS ********************** ROMANO: (narrating) It was not so much the hunting, it was the killing. This was what brought Chris Knight out on the sunny morning....when some would prefer to sleep at this time. AUTHOR: Oh definitely. ROMANO: Anyway, as I was saying. It was that wet plopping sound when lead met flesh. PENNY: Ugh... MURDOC: I like him already. LIZZIE: That's disgusting. ROMANO: (continues) Chris prefered big game, but rabbits were always available. MADCHRIS: (tiptoes through the meadow) Be vewy vewy quiet. I'm hunting wabbits. DEE: (with her hand over her face) Oyyy... ROMANO: He'd always liked killing.....much like someone else we know. (eyes Carter) CARTER: What!? SUSAN: He didn't always like killing. ROMANO: Oh, how would YOU know? Did you grow up with him? No! Shut up! JULIAN: Back to the story. ROMANO: Right. The gun-happy idiot had once had a dream in which he was the one being hunted, then he shakes it off, convincing himself that he was not a rabbit, but a hunter.....the top of the food chain. SPIKE: Never met a vampire, has he? SARA: (rolls her eyes) I can show him the top of the food chain! (flashes her teeth) ROMANO: Then he saw it......a....um....wabbit. LEGOLAS: (standing in front of a tree, eating a carrot and wearing bunny ears) Ahh, what's up, doc? MADCHRIS: (holds the gun up) Say your pwares, wabbit. LEGOLAS: (as Bugs) He don't know me vewy well, do he? ROMANO: (snickers) And there it was...the (laughing) kill. The best part...(more laughter) Killing felt good...(more laughter) I can't do this. MADCHRIS: One move, wabbit and I'll bwow you away! LEGOLAS: (munching his carrot) Of course you know this means WAR! (vanishes) ROMANO: (between laughs) Then the wabbit was gone. He'd spooked it....or something else had. LIZZIE: And then he felt a strange feeling. CHRIS: He hit puberty. MADCHRIS: (flips him off) ROMANO: The feeling of being watched....(looks around the set) Imagine that. He noticed someone watching him. MADCHRIS: (in a whiney tone) They're all LOOKING at me!!! ROMANO: Anyway, now he knows how the rabbit felt. LIZZIE: And the something watching him is a dark and sinister vapor-like shape. BITES: *Who ME!?* LIZZIE: No, the dark and sinister shape behind you. BITES: (looks behind him to see Jigglypuff) *You are joking, right?* JIGGLY: (starts singing and puts all not immune to sleep) ROMANO: Well, that takes care of the first scene. Someone go write "I'm a big wussy" on Mr Knight's face. JIMMY M: Right, got it. LIZZIE: I guess that means get ready for the next scene. We need Tara and Rachel. SANDY: Can these kids get changed back now? AUTHOR: Are Jimmy and Yves back yet? LANGLY: Honeymoon. She and Jimmy just got married. SVEN: Oh, how nice. JOHN: Ardeth, can you change them back now? AUTHOR: And get Fat Butt and Pratt off my set! ARDETH: (nods and heads for the kid room) JULIAN: (to Sandy) Happy? LIZZIE: Next scene! ROMANO: After someone wakes up the cast! LIZZIE: (shrugs and pulls out a bullhorn) RISE AND SHINE!!! --Everyone gets up, grabbing their heads-- COSMO: Does she HAVE to yell? ROMANO: (shouting) YES!! AUTHOR: Back to the script, peoples. TARA: I think it's my turn. JULIAN: I know it is. AUTHOR: Rachel! Get off the phone with your raptor friends and do your part. Make it look good, and we'll give you an Oscar. ROMANO: Tara is in what we assume is the school bathroom, as we have no idea what Rachel would be doing at Tara's house. You'd think people could specify these things before the end of the scene. JOHN: Another conspiracy. LIZZIE: Right, she's brushing her hair, when she sees another face in the mirror....so unless she's grown an extra head, someone has walked in behind her. SVEN: Romano, your disease is catching. ROMANO: What disease? I asked her if she wanted to help narrate. AUDREY: Something tells me this is going to be worse than the last one. SUMMER: And this is what I missed? JENNY: Yep....but they're bound to mess it up some. JULIAN: Some? Don't be silly, Jenny dear. We're going to slaughter it. (grins) Live in fear. RACHEL: (standing behind Tara, looking on the verge of tears....mostly because Nick took her phone away until after the scene) They didn't do it. TARA: Who? RACHEL: (starts to respond, then frowns) Um, who's playing them this time? AUTHOR: Honestly? We have no idea. Just say Todd and Brock for now. They're the ones who stole the Game. RACHEL: (shrugs and goes back to her tearful voice) Todd and Brock. They didn't kill your friend, Kitty. TARA: I never said they did. She was kidnapped by a Shadowelf. All they did was steal the Game. RACHEL: I HATE you! (crying) TARA: (staring) RACHEL: You and your preppy friends! You did it! YOU killed her yourselves! And someday everyone will find out and you'll all PAY! (collapses into loud noisy sobs) LIZZIE: Rachel's good. ROMANO: (nods, impressed) GREENE: That's my girl. (beams proudly) TARA: (puts her brush down and pats Rachel's back) RACHEL: (stares up at her) TARA: Why are you crying? RACHEL: Because it's in the script. TARA: But why? RACHEL: Because I want a Oscar. (resumes crying) And what do YOU care, anyway!? All your fancy clothes and rich friends! TARA: Warren's my cousin, and James kind of disowned his family....and what do my clothes have to do with it?! Did you even SEE me in the last spoof!? I looked like CRAP! RACHEL: You're a soshe. TARA: (grabs her) What the heck is a soshe anyway?! I'm a human being and so are you! What's your problem!? RACHEL: Um, no offense, but neither of these guys are my friends. BROCK: But you're so beautiful! Will you go out with me? RACHEL: (flatly) I have Mace. Get away. BROCK: (wisely returns to his seat) RACHEL: (continues her tearful voice) I can PROVE they didn't do it! TARA: What do you mean? RACHEL: Never mind. TARA: No! Tell me! How can you prove it? RACHEL: (pushes her) Let go of me! TARA: Did you see him the next morning? Did you see what he did with the paper hou-- RACHEL: (kicks her and runs off, crying) TARA: Wait! You don't understand! --Unfortunately, Rachel is gone by the time Tara looks out the bathroom door....most likely to finish her phone conversation with Dawn and the raptor girls-- ROMANO: And Tara wonders who she could be because she must have seen something. LIZZIE: And now she must find Rachel so she could slowly beat the information out of her. GREENE: (staring from Romano to Elizabeth and back again) I think he's definitely rubbing off on her. HALEH: Now, this is getting scary....ugh, as if one wasn't enough....I had enough with Cassi doing it in the ER. SHIRLEY: Right, that's all we need, three of them. JULIAN: Story. AUTHOR: Suddenly the phone rings next to Tara. TARA: (answers it) Yeah, I'd like to order a large pepperoni pizza, extra cheese. LEGOLAS: (on the other end) Huh? TARA: Oh sorry. I must have the wrong number. Love you, honey. (hangs up) ALL: (staring) TARA: I better find the others. (walks off) ROMANO: (blinks) Um...okay, I guess that's the end of chapter one. MURDOC: Already? AUTHOR: I said before. The last one took a year. I don't want this one to take that long. Go on to chapter two. ROMANO: Right, Tara goes looking for Lance. LIZZIE: She looks in on his Business and Law class first. TARA: (peeks into the room) ROMANO: Naturally, being the troublemaker we all know Lance is, he's jipping again. PIETRO: Whatasurprise. LIZZIE: (reading) And apparently, it's also lunch time, and Tara's group of friends had not been eating together for the past two weeks....because it would cause people to think they were murderers. ROMANO: Because seeing a group eating together makes you think they're plotting murder. (pauses) I wondered why the waitresses always stare at us when we go out to eat. SVEN: Wow....and here we all thought it was because Dor could make the food talk. Silly us. LUCY: Nah, they can't possibly be staring at that. It's because they think we're plotting murder. CHRIS: That or the giant spider. JUMPER: (beams proudly) JULIAN: Although we won't mention that sometimes we ARE plotting murder. JOHN: Anyway, keep going Tara. LIZZIE: She looks into a Home Economics class where Jessie is taking Interior Decorating ......and acing it, we might add. MISTY: That doesn't surprise me. ROMANO: And she finally finds someone did indeed go to class. She finds Jessie talking to the teacher. --In the classroom, Jessie and Randi are painting each other's fingernails and toenails-- WEAVER: (from the doorway) Somehow, I'm not surprised at that. ALL: (turn to look) ROMANO: Aww.....(insert very naughty word here). She's back. (makes a face) AUTHOR: Go play in med lab before someone shoots you....again. --Several people are looking for their guns, Sven, Dave, and Romano being a few-- JOHN: Okay, ladies! Jessie has to act now! JESSIE: (fans her nails) Great talking to you. We should get together more often. RANDI: (grins) Definitely. JESSIE: (approaches Tara) What's up? NEWMAN: We covered that in Jurassic 3. The sky is still up. LIZZIE: Speaking of which, I need to see the beginning of that before we switch back to it. ROMANO: No problem. Wait until the next break.....assuming Cassi and Sven don't throw another party like last time. SVEN: Oh come on! It was fun, and you know it! We all saw Lizzie kiss you. There's a camera in your office. ROMANO & LIZZIE: (stare at her) ROMANO: (blinks) Good to know.....who put it there? (eyes the Gunmen) FROHIKE: If we tell, you'll shoot the one that did it. ROMANO: (aghast) Now how could you think that?! I wouldn't shoot the one that did it! That wouldn't be fair. GUNMEN: (relax) ROMANO: I'd shoot all of you. That way, it's fair. LANGLY: (points at Frohike) He did it. FROHIKE: (points at Byers) No, it was him. BYERS: (points at Langly) No, he did it. ROMANO: Like I said. Shoot all of them. AUTHOR: We told them to. You can't shoot any of them. LIZZIE: You sure? SVEN: Yes. Sorry. ROMANO & LIZZIE: (wolvie pout) AUTHOR: Back to the script. Tara, your line. TARA: We've got to get everybody. Do you have your lunch? JESSIE: Yes, I have my lunch, but what do we need everyone for? Can't we just get the ones who were in the last Game? ROMANO: Excuse me! It says VERY clearly in the script, "Audrey didn't ask why they needed to get everybody." Now follow the script! LIZZIE: They run across campus and Tara wonders why, if it is so hot outdoors, is she so cold inside. CARTER: They call that "Air Conditioning." It IS real. AUTHOR: Especially in November in hospitals and other businesses. ALL WHO HAVE WORKED AT ONE OR THE OTHER: Amen. JENNY: Very funny. ROMANO: And now they go to the girls locker room, where Psylocke is.....um....is she really naked? AUTHOR: We don't include nudity in our spoofs, and I doubt Warren would want her to be that way. ARCHANGEL: Not with all the perverts around, no. LIZZIE: Anyway, they find her in the locker room. PSYLOCKE: What's going on? TARA: We're having a pow-wow. Come join us. PSYLOCKE: Does that mean we dance around a bon-fire? JESSIE: I hope not. TARA: No, it means we go have a secret meeting. PSYLOCKE: Secret as in real secret, or Counsel of Angelus secret? **ie including tourists* ROMANO: Considering the whole set is watching, I would say Counsel of Angelus secret. PSYLOCKE: Got it. Let's go. LIZZIE: And they find Warren outside the art department and stop to think about how much he's changed....so....um...pale. ROMANO: (eyes Warren) Pale blue, I guess. LIZZIE: I was coming to that part. TARA: Warren, staff parking lot. We're having a secret meeting. ARCHANGEL: How secret? JESSIE: (shrugs) We're open to an audience. ARCHANGEL: Right, coming. (joins the group) JESSIE: Where's James? ROMANO: Read your script. TARA: English block. ALL: (shrug) LIZZIE: And they find James in front of....(blinks) That is unbelieveable. ROMANO: (grinning) It is, isn't it? --James is seated in front of a huge block that reads, "Made in England" written in large bold letters across the front-- JULIAN: Okay, that one is bad. SVEN: Yeah, but we couldn't help it. ROMANO: And he's supposed to be picking up papers from the ground, because a couple of jerks didn't like him....but since he isn't, just go on. TARA: Come on. We have to talk. Where's Lance? JAMES: Still mad about Kitty. He jipped all morning. EVAN: Yeah, that's Lance all right. PSYLOCKE: He's supposed to be a jerk in this one. Leave him out of it. ROMANO: Go to the Grassy Knoll. LANGLY: Why are we going there? JENNY: Grassy area near the teacher's parking lot, not the real one. BYERS: You should specify that, then. ROMANO: (looks at Lizzie and shrugs) Go to that Grassy area near the teacher's parking lot. THAT GRASSY AREA NEAR THE TEACHER'S PARKING LOT *************************************************** --Tara, and her group, minus Lance, whom we assume is still pouting and brooding, seat themselves in the grass-- PSYLOCKE: So what's happening? TARA: We're doing a spoof. PSYLOCKE: Not funny. TARA: (grins) Sorry, couldn't help it. Anyway, there's this girl. CARTER: Already? I thought you were stuck on the elf. TARA: I didn't say I was interested in her! She's a little too young and not my type. GREENE: Good. RACHEL: She's not my type either, Dad. Don't worry, I prefer boys. AUTHOR: I prefer men myself.....I just haven't met any yet. LIZZIE: Rachel, you're not in this scene. Go back to the story. AUTHOR: (to Lizzie) Now you're catching on. (grins) TARA: Anyway, it's Rachel. Do any of you know her? JESSIE: I heard she nearly killed her sister. Other than that, she's harmless. JAMES: Oh that makes me feel so much better. RACHEL: That was an ACCIDENT! LIZZIE: Can we not discuss that now? I may have to shoot someone. JAMES: Oh right....no problem. Why is she so important? TARA: Because she said we killed Kitty and she knew Todd and Brock were innocent. PSYLOCKE: So you're thinking what? TARA: I'm thinking she saw them! JAMES: And that she knows where the paper house is...big deal. Do we REALLY want it back!? TARA: We have to find it....don't ask me why. JESSIE: Meaning we have to find her. ARCHANGEL: She's over there, on the phone. AUTHOR: Ahem. Your turn, Rob. ROMANO: Everything about their situation was horrible. People looked at them funny. SVEN: Big deal. They look at me and Cassi funny all the time. SPIKE: No comment. LIZZIE: And there was a danger. A danger that only their group knew about. ROMANO: And it all started because Tara had a brain transplant and decided it would be good to tell the police exactly what happened, thus branding her and her friends as lunatics for the rest of their natural lives. YAKKO: Assuming they didn't think of them that way already. (grins) AUTHOR: Now we flash back to the police questioning them. We need Mahoney....and Calahan. MAHONEY: (looks at the door) There's nothing broken here. JOHN: Ignore that. Pretend there is. ROMANO: First we note that we are now in Jenny's real house, not Buffy's, and not the O'Connells. This means we've now had three different houses for this story. CHRIS: Can't say we're not consistant. (grins) TARA: (to Calahan) The door has nothing to do with Kitty. LIZZIE: And then they explain it all again. TARA: No, it wasn't a UFO. JESSIE: Well, it was like one. PSYLOCKE: Legolas wasn't exactly human, but he didn't break the door. JAMES: He came out of the Game, and then we were sucked into the Game. MAHONEY & CALAHAN: (look at each other and shrug) MAHONEY: Okay, back to the beginning again. Where did the Game come from? TARA: A store called More Games. Legolas....he's the Shadowelf...got it from the real Shadowman. I brought it home and we opened it. CALAHAN: You were all here at the time? ARCHANGEL: Yes, it was Lance's birthday. JAMES: Well, me and Jessie weren't. Willow and Oz were. But then they left and we came to take their places. ROMANO: They put the house together, colored their dolls and, finally started the Game. LANCE: Then it became real. Then the Shadowelf came and killed Kitty. JESSIE: No, Kitty died because Mohawk came and ate her. TARA: Kitty really isn't dead. We have to rescue her in the third one. GERARD: I'm beginning to see why the police had a problem. LANGLY: They should have called Mulder and Scully. BYERS: Sounds like it. MULDER: Definitely. CALAHAN: What was Legolas again? TARA: Shadowelf....kind of like the Sandman, only he brings nightmares. DOR: I thought Night Mares bring nightmares. MAHONEY: (ignores him) And Kitty? PSYLOCKE: Giant spider Gremlin got her. CALAHAN: Where exactly is the body? TARA: We said she wasn't dead. We rescue her next spoof. She's stuck there. MAHONEY: And about the two guys? JAMES: They stole the Game. CALAHAN: Where was Kitty at this time? JESSIE: She was already gone. That was after Mohawk. ROMANO: You know the sick thing? LIZZIE: What? ROMANO: I saw and narrated the last spoof and I don't believe a word of this. JENNY: Okay, it was a stupid idea. You can stop now! We GET THE POINT!!! AUTHOR: Right, Kitty's parents, Pharaoh and Kitty 1 don't buy it and Storm gets to go to the rescue. STORM: Who am I again? JULIAN: Psylocke's Grandmother. ROMANO: Storm, tell the story of the guy who talked too much. LIZZIE: Do we need to hear that? I already know you. ROMANO: Not funny, Lizzie. LIZZIE: (innocently) Couldn't help it. AUTHOR: I have a headache. ROMANO: (holds out the bottle of Vicodin) AUTHOR: No thanks, I just need some food. I'll take some later. (pulls out a box of Cheez It) LIZZIE: Sharing? AUTHOR: Yeah sure. ROMANO: (now with his mouth full) Storytime! STORM: Once upon a time.... MAHONEY: Ooh, story time! Let me get a pillow. (lays back on the floor, as the others settle down to listen) STORM: (continues)....there was a hunter who went out into the bush-- DUNDEE: Was i' in Australia? STORM: Africa. (continues) He found a skull laying on the ground one day. DOT: Who's skull was it? STORM: Some dead person, who cares? WAKKO: How did they die? STORM: Let me finish! YAKKO: (smacks Wakko) Yeah, let her finish. STORM: He asked the skull, "How did you get there?" The skull replied back, "I got here through talking." JAMES: Was the hunter Dor? DOR: No. YAKKO: Was Dor there? STORM: No. TARA: So how did the skull talk if Dor wasn't there? ROMANO: I don't remember the story in the book being this long. LIZZIE: (shrugs) How DID the skull talk if Dor wasn't there? ROMANO: Beats the [heck] out of me. STORM: May I continue? JULIAN: Yeah, sure. Go ahead. STORM: The hunter was very excited. He ran back to his village and told everyone he'd found a talking skull. ROMANO: And they built a resort around it and named a theme park after it? SVEN: I doubt it. STORM: The Chief of the village asked the hunter to take him to see this marvelous skull. So the hunter took him to the skull and told it to talk. YAKKO: And the skull didn't because he didn't say the magic word. STORM: When the skull didn't talk, the Chief became very angry and cut off the hunter's head for lying to him. Once the Chief was gone, the skull asked the head, "How did you get here?" JOHN: And the severed head screamed, "IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!" STORM: The head said, "I got here by talking, my friend." ARCHANGEL: When did they become friends? JAMES: How did the severed head talk? TARA: I'm still trying to figure out how the skull talked. JESSIE: Are you sure Dor wasn't there? LANCE: Was there even a point to this story? CARTER: In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. ROMANO: Yeah, that about sums it up. ARDETH: She's implying they talk too much. SVEN: So does Groucho Marx, but that has nothing to do with a telephone pole....or a talking skull, for that matter. LIZZIE: Right....anyway, nobody believed that story, so they all assume Kitty ran off with Todd and Brock and everyone starts looking for her. AUTHOR: Now back to....(eyes Langly) That Grassy Area Near the Teacher's Parking Lot. THAT GRASSY AREA NEAR THE TEACHER'S PARKING LOT....AGAIN ************************************************************ JAMES: What were we talking about again? ARCHANGEL: Paper house. We need to find Todd and Brock. JESSIE: Why again? TARA: Because they might let Legolas out. PSYLOCKE: And that's bad because? ROMANO: I need another pill. JULIAN: I know the feeling. LIZZIE: And after that, they went out every day, looking for Todd and Brock, and where ever they could have hid the Game. ROMANO: Because Tara knew that if Legolas escaped....you know, this is dumb. He never ended up in the closet. AUTHOR: Forget it. Chapter three! SVEN: Hey, this story seems to be happening faster than the last one. JOHN: It couldn't get much slower. AUTHOR: Anyhow, we're still on that Grassy Area, and they're discussing Rachel. ARCHANGEL: She probably doesn't know anything. She spent the last spoofs on the phone with her friends. Besides, everyone thinks we did it, why shouldn't she? JESSIE: (reading her script) Postering? CHRIS: Put up pictures of Kitty2! Remember? She's missing? JAMES: She's in the Shadow World. We all know this. What good will pictures do? DOR: Because nobody's supposed to belive you, idiot. SCRIPT: Yeah! So do like I say and hang posters! AUDREY: It really was more serious, Summer. SUMMER: (nods) ROMANO: Story. ARCHANGEL: So what do we do when we find the house? Shred it? Burn it down with them inside? Isn't that murder? CARTER: No kiddin'. Jeffery's in that house....with Mohawk. BROCK: Not to interrupt, but we're smart enough to not go into the house. We put it back together like we were supposed to, and left it alone. ASH: Smart....very smart. PIKACHU: Pika pi. (nods) JAMES: As they said. They're not inside the house. We can burn it down. CARTER: Hey! You can't kill Jeffery! I LIKE Jeffery! ROMANO: Yeah, you would. Back to the script. They have a little argument and Warren stalks off. PSYLOCKE: Over what? SVEN: His negative attitude. Ignore it. PSYLOCKE: Can I stalk off too? ALL: No. ARCHANGEL: Sorry, Betsy. I'll be over there. (heads to his seat) TARA: Right, we have to find the paper house. PSYLOCKE: Although there's really no chance of those two making it to the floor Legolas is on. They'd have to get past Arbok and Bites. TARA: He's not in the closet. He can be anywhere he wants. He was dressed like Bugs Bunny earlier. PSYLOCKE: (looks up as the bell rings) Sounds like lunch is over. Who's all for cutting class? We're all out of school anyway, except Jessie, James and Lance. JAMES: And obviously Lance doesn't care, so why should we? LIZZIE: Pietro? Your turn. PIETRO: (runs up to Tara) Justwonderingifyouhadadatefortheprom. TARA: What? JESSIE: (grins) No, she doesn't. TARA: Doesn't what? JESSIE: He's asking you out for the prom. TARA: Oh, I have a boyfriend. He wouldn't like that. JESSIE: Lance doesn't care. Tell him yes. PIETRO: (smiles) TARA: I wasn't talking about Lance. I meant Legolas....and he DOES care. I can't go. PIETRO: Ohright. (pause) SorryIdidn'trealizeyouandtheelfwereacouple. I'llbegoingnow. (rushes off) TARA: Huh? JESSIE: He said he didn't know about Legolas and he's sorry. If I wasn't already going with Evan, I'd have gone. TARA: We'd better go to class. JESSIE: I thought you were cutting. TARA: Script says we'd better go to class. ROMANO: They toss their trash in the garbage, next to the (smirks at Lizzie) English block, and head for class. LIZZIE: (drily) Very funny. ROMANO: Oh you think it's funny and you know it. LIZZIE: (shakes her head, smiling) AUTHOR: And Lance watched from the shadows. ROMANO: And all this time we thought it was Legolas who specialized in that sort of thing. JULIAN: Makes you wonder, don't it? (shakes his head) Wannabes. He'll never be as good as me. JENNY: Tom was there? JULIAN: Yes.....I should know. I was watching. (grins) ROMANO: Anyway, he couldn't make himself come out even though he was probably going to lose Tara. LIZZIE: He still loved her, of course. He'd just taken it for granted that she'd always be there. ROMANO: Never mind the fact that she was supposed to have locked the elf in the closet for him.... LANCE: She didn't. She spent ten minutes making out with him on the couch, cheating on me. CHRIS: Like you weren't stuck on Kitty anyway. ROMANO: Beside the point. He spends a few pages thinking of how jealous he is....and yet, does he try to get her back? Noooo, that would be too easy. JULIAN: Jerk. JENNY: Look who's talking. AUDREY: Julian's right.....and I never thought I'd hear myself say that. Tom was being a jerk....and for once, he was being a bigger jerk than Julian....At least Julian was honest about it. JULIAN: Thanks....I think. LIZZIE: Since Lance is being a jerk, just go on to the Center. JAMES: Center of what? JULIAN: Large building where they arrange for people to find Kitty 2. JAMES: But-- JOHN: We know. Just follow the script! ROMANO: Right. They have a whole wall covered with pictures of Kitty2. WAGNER: Ve vant to make sure everyvone knows vhat she looks like. MAHONEY: Couldn't you have just made one big picture for the wall and saved time? MURDOC: Obsessive behavior can be an ugly thing. NIKKI: Look who's talking. JULIAN: Story. ROMANO: And point of fact, they DID have one big one. They just decided that wasn't enough. KITTY 1: They might forget. DAWN: (looks up from her phone) Where's Lance, and how come he's not looking? JESSIE: Because he's still mad. AUTHOR: Tara studies the map on the wall, trying to figure out where Rachel could be. DAWN: (still on the phone) LIZZIE: Why don't they just ask Dawn? She's probably on the phone with her. DOT: (walks over to Tara, dressed like a gypsy) You. (she continues in a mysterious tone) You have seen them......YOU'RE ONE OF THEM!!!! (bloodcurdling scream, then she runs away) SVEN: Well, Dot's getting another Oscar. TARA: Huh? JAMES: (shrugs) PSYLOCKE: Was that in the script? YAKKO: (to Tara) There is a message for you. TARA: What message? YAKKO: (frowns, and looks at Wakko) What was it again? WAKKO: (shrugs) I don't know. They didn't wait for the beep. (the two walk off, shaking their heads) ARCHANGEL: (blinks) Ehhh..... JULIAN: Oy vey....Oh yeah, Cas. Use the Warners. Great idea. LIZZIE: Why wasn't that in the book? ROMANO: (snickers) For obvious reasons.....although I would have bought two copies if the first one was like the spoof. LEGOLAS: When do I come in? AUTHOR: (flips through the book, until she finds the first dogear) Page 100. JOHN: And at the rate these guys are going, that should be in about a month or two. Good luck. AUTHOR: Well, we've finished another chapter. We're on page 30. Cool, huh? JULIAN: I'm impressed. Last time, it took us a month to get that far. PSYLOCKE: Not to be rude, but don't we need to know what the message is? LIZZIE: The book says, "Vanished"....after a long piece of nothing about pixies and blue- bells. ROMANO: (makes a face) Don't forget the vomit bag. KURT 2: (suddenly bamfs in) Not to be rude, but vith all zhe babysitters acting, zhere's nobody but me to vatch zhe kids....and I can't vatch zhem all at vonce. SVEN: Oops....um, yeah, I guess we need a few more. ROMANO: Lovely....so where do we find some suckers willing to watch the X-Babies, the Marx Babies and the Brotherhood of Mutant Bullies....plus all the semi-normal kids? AUTHOR: (frowns, thinking) How many do you need? KURT 2: At least three. AUTHOR: You care how old? (to Romano) I used to read Babysitters Club books. (grins) Perfect suckers. KURT 2: I don't care, just as long as I don't have to vatch all zhe kids at zhe same time. (shakes his head) I'm getting a monster headache. AUTHOR: Evan and Pietro can help for now. I'll get a few. Irene, we'll need a dollar tree, for bribing, and Kurt 2 needs a pillbox bush. EVAN: Hey no fair! WE don't get paid! SVEN: You're mutants and you have your mutant abilities to help. These girls are human. AUTHOR: Donovan, can you and Monica go find a number for these girls? We need three or four, who have worked with toddlers, newborns, and little monsters. WOLVIE: I resent that. ROMANO: Better not tell them they're mutants. They might not come. AUTHOR: (rolls her eyes) You haven't read about the Pike kids, I see. I was pretty sure they ARE mutants....or so their older sister seems to think. (considers it) Maybe we'll invite them. We could always use things like the Bizzer sign and the triplet's songs. LIZZIE: (stares at her) AUTHOR: What? It's been a while, but one doesn't forget the Bizzer sign, trust me. ARDETH: (looks at Carter in a confused way) CARTER: (shrugs) Never heard of it. AUTHOR: (to Donovan) Tell them we'll pay really high, and we'll be repeat customers! (quietly) Especially after Kurt has a nervous breakdown. DONOVAN & MONICA: (nod and disappear backstage) LIZZIE: Well, that out of the way, back to the story. JULIAN: Tara just got the message. TARA: Right...."Vanished." I'll keep that in mind. ROMANO: And by studying the map, they figure out where Todd and Brock live, and they each grab some fliers about Kitty2, and run off to look.....for the boys. JOHN: Sounds redundant, doesn't it? LIZZIE: Naturally, the police had already searched the houses and assured them that they had seen no paper houses. CALAHAN: (shakes her head and makes a "crazy" sign, pointing at the group with Tara) MAHONEY & TACKLEBERRY: (nod in agreement) ROMANO: Okay, we need the kids out here. Just let the mutant children run wild, and leave one babysitter with the other kids. LIZZIE: They park the car in front of the elementary school, and get out with the fliers. ********************************************************************* Part two....originally, this was in part one, but there wasn't enough space to finish the section, so it was moved to this section. Hopefully, we'll get a few new suckers to help with the kids before Kurt2 completely loses his mind, as Evan and Pietro have to be acting in the near future. Just for the record, Todd and Brock will be helping out also. Again, for the record, the "Comit, it makes you vomit" song, sang in an earlier spoof, came from the Pike Boys. It may have been a while since I read the books, but their insane songs and the way they act just tends to stay with you. They do have a few more that I really loved and intend to use. All Babysitters Club references are property of Ms. Ann M Martin. IN FRONT OF THE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL *********************************** ROMANO: And they hand their fliers out and then go to the kids for the real information because kids know more. ALEX: How true. ARDETH: At least they think they do. LIZZIE: And sometimes the kids followed them, suggesting places to look. WOLVIE: You could check the messy room at the paper house. TARA: We're looking for the paper house, not Kitty2. SHADOWKITTY: So why didn't you just ask about the paper house? JEANIE: Yeah, wouldn't it have been easier? JAMES: Do you know where it is? THE KIDS: (look at each other) No. JESSIE: So why are you pestering us? CYKE: A'cauth it'th in the thcript. ROMANO: In a house, she pauses to talk to one little girl and her sister, who were reading, "Little Red Riding Hood." And Tara's all bothered by the line, "All the better to eat you with, my dear." Why does this bother her? Because she's still afraid Legolas will eat her. LEGOLAS: How many times do I have to say I don't eat people?! Besides, I love Tara, remember? Why would I eat her? JULIAN: (shrugs) I'll buy that. JENNY: I don't believe this. CARTER: Why? Because you got bluffed? AUDREY: He wasn't bluffing. JULIAN: No, I wasn't. AUDREY: See? JULIAN: With the rest of you. Jenny, on the other hand, I wouldn't let anything happen to. MICHAEL: Figures. AUTHOR: Back to the script. They're all still questioning people. SPIKE: (to Jessie, who has handed him a flier) Did you check the mall? JESSIE: Oh, like the paper house would really be at the mall. AUTHOR & ASSISTANTS: (exchange a glance, and wisely remain silent) ROMANO: Anyhow, they come around a street where the other kids are playing, and this is where they find Psylocke's sister, Psychilde, and Kitty2's little brother.....um..... (pulls out the cast to look it up) LIZZIE: Snaggletooth. ROMANO: What she said. SNAGGLE: (looks over at Wagner and Kitty1) Ew...I'm related to THEM?! WAGNER: Hey, I'm a Pharaoh. BUFFY: How cute. My little brother looks like the mutant Wookiee I've been hanging around for several spoofs. **Vampire Mummy Returns, Buffy became Wagner's daughter* SNAGGLE: (sticks his tongue out at her) BUFFY: Only a little more mature. SABRE: (flatly) Funny. LIZZIE: Back to the script. The children are playing an interesting game. JESSIE: What are they playing. TARA: What are you talking about?! They're beating each other up! (points to where the Brotherhood of Mutant Bullies and the X-Babies are fighting with the Marx Babies....with the exception of Grouchy and Maggy, who are beating each other up) ROMANO: (yawns) Somehow, I'm not surprised by this. They're supposed to be playing Lambs and Monsters. WOLVIE: (pauses in mid-swing) What's that? PSYCHILDE: (reads her script) The lambs hide and the monster comes looking for them. If he tags you, you're captured and you have to go to the monster lair-- SUSAN: Yeah, I know this. We called it "Cooties". **Youth Elixir** PSYCHILDE: (continues) You have to stay in the monster's lair until someone comes and lets you out. KOVAC: While you're tied to a chair.... SNAGGLE: Then, if you can't escape, the monster comes and eats you. CARTER: I don't remember that part. ABBY: I think we missed that one. GREENE: That's because Hannibal Lecter wasn't on any of the teams, and Achemed and that other guy... SVEN: Grunther. **Psychos** GREENE: Whatever. They weren't there either. PSYCHILDE: But the monster can't eat them until he catches them all. JESSIE: Charming. PSYLOCKE: Oh yeah. TARA: (to Snaggle) Did they tell you what happened to Kitty2? SNAGGLE: Yeah, I heard a big spider ate her. I wonder if I can have her room. DAVE: Terrible shame he's all broken up over it. TARA: Does that mean he won't help us find her? SNAGGLE: I thought she got ate. ROMANO: (to Lizzie) Your turn. LIZZIE: She's alive in the Shadow World, and you need to help them find the paper house. SNAGGLE: Do I have to? LIZZIE: (to Romano) Your turn. AUTHOR: Script. ROMANO: Tara gets upset and starts to cry. TARA: (shrugs and desolves into loud racking sobs) SNAGGLE: Wow, you're really good. TARA: (pauses) Thankyou. (resumes) JESSIE: (rolls her eyes) PSYLOCKE: We're trying to find the person who hurt Kitty2. SNAGGLE: Haven't seen the giant spider anywhere. JAMES: We mean the elf. SNAGGLE: The elf didn't do it. He was playing cards with Lance. The Spider Gremlin did it. PIPPIN: Mohawk. SNAGGLE: Whatever. He did it, and I haven't seen him. ARCHANGEL: Have you seen the paper house? SNAGGLE: Did you check the mall? PSYLOCKE: I can see we're not going to get very far. TARA: Have you seen Rachel Greene? PSYCHILDE: She was on the phone. PSYLOCKE: I'm not surprised. DONOVAN: (comes back) Why didn't you mention they get mad if you don't call on the right day? AUTHOR: Oops. Knew there was a catch. Gimme a break. I haven't read the books in ages. I'm lucky I can remember all the names. **And we do have to go back and do some reading, for other characters** ROMANO: Whoopie. Did you find us three suckers yet? DONOVAN: She said she'd call back in a minute or so. And when I said we'd pay really high, she seemed excited. ROMANO: Oh good. I love it when they're unsuspecting. BENTON: Make sure they know Sign Language. AUTHOR: They do. It's in the books. ROMANO: How nice. Suckers that come with all the extras. Back to the script. AUTHOR: Where were we? JOHN: Looking for the paper house. SNAGGLE: So you're really looking for a paper house? ARCHANGEL: No, we're looking for the Yellow Brick Road. That's why we've been asking all over about a paper house. PSYCHILDE: (frowns) So why aren't you asking about the road? You'll never find it if you're telling people about a house. LIZZIE: I need one of those pills now, Robert. ROMANO: (picks a box off a nearby bush....yes we have pillbox bushes in the Author's box...time saver, really) Keep the box. You'll need it later, I assure you. AUTHOR: Okay, they tell the kids they're looking for Rachel. GUMBO: First Kitty2, then a paper house, then the Yellow Brick Road, now Rachel! Can you people make up your minds!? JESSIE: (slowly) Have you seen Rachel? GUMBO: We'll look for Rachel tomorrow, but it would be easier to just ask Dawn. They're always on the phone with those Raptor girls. ROMANO: And Tara decides to spare him the embarrassment of having her kiss him in public-- GUMBO: Ewww, cooties. TARA: Just be careful. If you see the paper house, don't touch it. WOLVIE: (sarcastically) Oh yeah, because we really want to play with the killer spiders and the bamfs. SNAGGLE: Awww, you're just chicken. WOLVIE: (snikt) Oh YEAH!? (he jumps on Snaggle and they proceed to tear into each other) GROUCHY: (walks over with his candy stick) Are you sure we can't touch it? I wanna see the spiders and bamfs. MAGGY: That's because you belong with them. GROUCHY: Oh YEAH!? (jumps on her and soon, they are also beating each other up) ROMANO: Ever get the feeling we're caught in a rut? DONOVAN: (re enters) ROMANO: Please, dear God, tell me you got three suckers. DONOVAN: They're all busy. They can't spare three sitters for the amount of time we'll need them. AUTHOR: Tell them we're desperate and bring the kids they're babysitting with them. We have a few here who can help. DONOVAN: (eyes the fight) Let me check. JULIAN: Back to the spoof. All non-casted kids can go back to Kurt2. KURT 2: (drops to his knees) Can ve PLEASE have more help!? Yvette is crying again! PENNY: (jumps up) I'll get that! She's probably hungry. AUTHOR: Donovan's negotiating with some people. Go help him. KURT 2: (bamfs backstage) ROMANO: Story, people. AUTHOR: Skip the rest of the monster lambs game. We get enough of that later. It's starting to get late. The kids go home, and Jessie and Tara go to finish off the block. WAKKO: Another block? DOT: Is this one made in England, too? LIZZIE: Street. They mean street. YAKKO: Why didn't you say so then? JULIAN: Back to the script. TARA: (after it starts to get dark) Let's stop here. We should be getting back now. (walks faster) JESSIE: Wait up! (chases after her) TARA: Come on then. Let's get back to the car. JESSIE: Well, I was going to use Murdoc's car, but we needed a Spider. DOT: Check the paper house. ROMANO: The car, not the insect. AUTHOR: Unfortunately, no one here owns one, so we had to rent one. Treat it nice. JESSIE: Okay fine. Tara, this isn't like you. I'm supposed to be the one freaking out. TARA: (pulls her along) Yes, and see where not freaking out got me? I died. JESSIE: (flatly) That was your clone. TARA: Beside the point. Come on. JESSIE: No offense, but my feet hurt. I can't run in these shoes. TARA: So why are you wearing heels? JESSIE: It was in my script. TARA: Then take them off. JESSIE: And run in socks!? TARA: There's something behind us. We have to get out of here FAST! JESSIE: (yanks off her shoes) Let's go. TARA: If we run, it will chase us. We can't run. ROMANO: Make it easier and stand still. JESSIE: It's chasing us anyway. Run. TARA: Good point. (they both take off running toward the car) BITES: *This is fun. The masses flee before me!* (bloodcurdling howl) JESSIE: Okay, I admit it. There's something behind us. Faster! TARA: Keys?! JESSIE: I don't have any. AUTHOR: They're in the car. BITES: (gaining) --Tara and Jessie reach the car and frantically grab the door handles-- TARA: This is LOCKED!! SVEN: (matter-of-factly) Well duh! You can't leave a car unlocked in this area! Someone will STEAL it! JESSIE & TARA: (stare at Sven, then at Cassi) AUTHOR: What? She's right. It's parked in the street, and it's a rental. I couldn't have it left unlocked. ROMANO: (stares at her) Sometimes I really wonder about you, Cas. AUTHOR: (grins) Thankyou. JESSIE: This is all well and good that you remembered to lock it, but how do we get in? CHRIS: I'll get it. (walks over with a lock-pick, and proceeds to get the door open in less than 30 seconds, while all stare) TARA: This is unbelievable. JESSIE: How does he do that? CHRIS: (opens the door for her, handing her the keys) Trade secrets, my dear. (returns to his seat) MACGYVER: (sarcastically) I wonder where he learned it. MURDOC: (shrugs) Don't know. He taught me that one. I used to just break the window. MIRANDA: (innocently looks at the ceiling) MURDOC: (grins) That's my wife. (kisses her) NIKKI: You taught your son how to break into cars?! MIRANDA: I locked the keys in the car at the grocery store, when he and Thackary were about 12. He paid attention....although he's faster than I am. CHRIS: (grins) I'm very observant when it comes to breaking and entering. LIZZIE: Right, next we do breaking and entering for houses, but right now, we have a story to do.....and unless I'm mistaken, we've made it to chapter 5. ROMANO: Where's Lance? He's supposed to be in this next scene. PENNY: He's in the Kidroom, helping Pietro and Evan. Kurt's back with Donovan still negotiating with the babysitters. KITTY1: Why don't you just tell them it's a movie set and there's also chances of acting? Most teenagers love that sort of thing. LANCE: Not to be rude, but the babysitters acting is how you're so desperate for baby- sitters to start with. Who's gonna watch the kids while the new ones act? ROMANO: Beside the point. Personally, I don't care WHAT you tell them, just as long as we can get at least 3 suckers who can work with animals. JEANIE: Very funny. JULIAN: Okay, Lance has to push Tara out of the way of Bites. BITES: *What did I do?* JENNY: You were supposed to jump over the hood of the car. AUTHOR: I don't think so. CAR: No! DON'T! You can't scratch my paint! NOOO!!!! I LOVE my paint! BITES: *DEMON CAR!!!* (jumps away) LANCE: (walks over) Okay, I'm here, what do you need? TARA: We got chased by Bites. You were supposed to save me. LANCE: Did he get you? JESSIE: No. LANCE: Then what do you need me for? JESSIE: (stalks over, grabs her shoes, and throws them in the car) I'm not losing my shoes for THAT! SUMMER: She really IS like the real Audrey. MICHAEL: (nods) AUTHOR: Why do you think we casted her? SPIKE: Because Willow wasn't available? JOHN: Don't be silly. She would have changed it anyway. Jessie was more suited for the part. LANCE: Okay, do you need me anymore? ROMANO: You're supposed to argue with Tara now. EVAN: Can you hurry up with the argument? Pietro and I can't watch them all at once! AUTHOR: Todd and Brock....and....um, I guess that's it. Todd and Brock, go join them. You're not really in this spoof. JULIAN: Jessie drives off and Tara and Lance go to Lance's car. LANCE: I don't have a car. SVEN: You do now. We borrowed one of Scott's. SCOTT: YOU WHAT?! JULIAN: We're not giong to hurt it. Relax. SCOTT: Are you sure? That IS Avalanche. AUTHOR: We'll fix it if they break it. SCOTT: Can Tara drive? LANCE: HEY! I resent that! ROMANO: Fine, the lady drives. Just get back to the script! TARA: (gets in the driver's side) Well, you've made yourself pretty scarce today....while the rest of us were working. LANCE: I had stuff to do. SPIKE: He had to brood. I know the type. ANGEL: I resent that. TARA: Lance, what is going on. LANCE: Nothing. TARA: What do you mean nothing!? You've been avoiding me all day! LANCE: (grumbles under his breath) TARA: You've been avoiding me on purpose! And it just isn't today.....it's been ever since ....it's Legolas, isn't it? LANCE: No, it's Kitty. Let's not discuss it. TARA: Right, you were cheating on me before I cheated on you. We're even. LANCE: We're NOT even! Kitty's GONE! Legolas was here and dressed like Bugs Bunny! That's FAR from even! JULIAN: Um, we're getting away from the plot here. TARA & LANCE: What plot? --The two of them return to their argument, and no one can understand what either of them are saying-- SCOTT: Okay, move over honey. I'm driving before you wreck my car. (jumps in, pushing Tara aside) TARA & LANCE: (continue, ignoring him) SCOTT: (pulls out a pair of Acme earplugs, and continues driving) ROMANO: Ah, young love. AUTHOR: Ugh. (makes a face) SCOTT: (pulls the car up to Tara's house, where Alex Cross stands on the porch) TARA: (practically leaps out of the car, glaring) CROSS: I was going to ask what kept you, but I just realized I don't really want to know. LANCE: It's her own fault. CROSS: Does Lance want to come in? TARA: (stomps past) No, he doesn't. LANCE: I need to go now. They need help in the kidroom. DONOVAN: Think you can have her home before dark next time? TARA: What next time? (sticks her tongue out at Lance, who returns the gesture) SCOTT: (drives off with Lance) DONOVAN: (eyes Tara) I take it I need to get out my shotgun, now? TARA: (brightens) Can you? JULIAN: I don't remember that in the book. AUDREY: Jenny's father wasn't a Federal Agent, either. DONOVAN: (grins proudly) CROSS: (smiles) I'll just get my own gun. AUTHOR: People, the script says nothing about Jenny's parents going after Tom with guns-- JULIAN: Much to our dismay.... SVEN: You said it. LIZZIE: Back to the script. TARA: Lance and I are going to break up. DONOVAN: (sounding very relieved) Really?! Congradulations, Sweetheart! I'm so happy for you. CROSS: Are you going to go out with the ElfPrince now? You two make such a nice couple! DEE: Oy....this is so embarrassing. AUTHOR: We DID say we'd slaughter it. ROMANO: Okay, um....just go to where they ask about Warren. CROSS: Who's playing his mother? AUTHOR: Ooops, who's his Dad? LIZZIE: (looks it up) Doug Ross. ROMANO: Carol! You've just become the mother of a winged blue mutant. AUTHOR: Mazeltov, it's a BOY! CAROL: (stares at her...."son") ARCHANGEL: Hi mom. SVEN: He's a millionare. CAROL: (grins) Nice to meet you, son! Your sisters Kate and Tess are in the Kidroom! ARCHANGEL: Cool. ROMANO: Back to the script. CROSS: Right....Tara, is there anything you're not telling us....? Say about Warren? Aunt Carol is very worried. CAROL: I am? LIZZIE: Yes....and Alex Cross is your half-sister. CAROL: Nice to meet you, sis. CROSS: Likewise. Tara, I asked you a question. TARA: Um....define anything. CROSS: Warren isn't upset about Kitty2, Lance is. AUTHOR: Okay, skip it. Um.....go to the phone call. TARA: (answers the phone) Legolas, is that you again? LEGOLAS: Yes. How's it going? TARA: I miss you. LEGOLAS: I'll see you soon, my lady. For the moment, I'm supposed to say, "Vanished" again. Love you, bye now. TARA: Okay, bye. (hangs up) He's so sweet. JENNY: I don't believe this. JULIAN: So unfair. CROSS: Did someone call? TARA: Legolas. CROSS: Oh...okay. I like him. You should be with him. Gumbo, bedtime! Turn the TV off! GUMBO: But-- DONOVAN: NOW! GUMBO: (does the Wolvie pout and stalks out) ********************************************************************* Random insanity bit # 12,876......I was watching ER a long time ago and something was said on the show. It didn't mean anything to me then, but suddenly one night, the thought came back to me.....and had nothing to do with anything at the time, it just occured to me. Anyways, what this weird patient said....and then he later died of a heartattack....that had nothing to do with this phrase....go figure....oh right the phrase. This man said that his doctor had said that you should never stick anything smaller than your elbow in your ear......interesting concept.....now my thoughts on it. Does this mean it's okay to stick your elbow in your ear? The things you learn from ER......^_^ Meanwhile, back to the spoof...... ********************************************************************* LIZZIE: Okay, now Tara goes into her room after telling her parents she's tired. AUTHOR: (yawns) Join the club. ROMANO: She thinks about how her room looks like a flower garden, and she feels like an alien. LUCY: Why? Because she lives in a flower garden? CHRIS: Hey, stranger things have happened. LIZZIE: She hears voices-- JIMMY M: The voices talk to me. They tell me to burn things. ROMANO: I suggest you get your hearing checked. MURDOC: I swear I don't know where this is coming from. NIKKI: Yeah, we believe you. CHRIS: Hey we were insane long before he came along. Ask Cassi. She created us. LIZZIE: As I was saying. She hears the voices of her parents putting Gumbo to bed. GUMBO: (runs, screaming, down the hallway) NOOOO!!!!! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME GO! YOU HEAR ME?!?! I DON'T HAVE TO GO TO BED! IT'S A FREE COUNTRY!!!! DONOVAN: (drags him down the hallway) You're going to bed and that's FINAL!!! (drops him on the bed) GUMBO: (stares at the bedspread for a moment) COMMUNISTS!!! CROSS: Remind me never to have children. DONOVAN: We can put him up for adoption. TARA: I have a weird family. ARDETH: I know how you feel. ROMANO: Anyhow, as her very weird family goes to bed, Tara lays awake for a while, then gets up in the middle of the night. AUTHOR: Ah, the joys of insomnia. JULIAN: You have insomnia? AUTHOR: I'd show you my sleeping pills, but they're at home. I keep them in another bottle. ROMANO: Yeah, that figures. Anyway, she might as well go for a swim. So she goes out to the pool. SVEN: Smart girl. JULIAN: Yeah, she was skinny dipping. I was watching. (grins) JENNY: (stares a minute before walking over and slapping him) JULIAN: Did I deserve that? AUTHOR & SVEN: Yes. LIZZIE: Very much. ROMANO: (with a sly grin) Nice goin', Julian. (dodges as Lizzie takes a swing at him) JOHN: Anyhow, as Tara is not going to be naked, she has a swimsuit on. TARA: (jumps in the pool, which at least doesn't have floaties in it....see "Jeffery", if you're confused) LEGOLAS: (watching with interest) ROMANO: Right.....and she thinks about the fact that she's sold her soul to Satan. TARA: Legolas isn't Satan, and I didn't sell my soul. LANCE: Says you. YAKKO: If the shoe fits, wear it. WAKKO: She can't. It isn't a good idea to wear shoes in the pool. AUTHOR: I feel a headache coming on. ROMANO: (picks her hip pouch up from the floor) Your drugs, Miss. AUTHOR: Thankyou. (pulls out her headache pills) Continue please. LIZZIE: Right, Tara's in the pool. ROMANO: Okay, we have a bunch of thinking about how the Shadowelf turns her on. JULIAN: Where's that in the book? (starts looking it up) DEE: You need help, Sunshine. JENNY: (muttering) TELL me about it. ROMANO: Then, thinking about Legolas starts to bother her, and now she's cold, so she gets out. LIZZIE: And she dries off, then goes to bed, where she thinks about glowing eyes watching her until she passes out. DOT: Ew......eyes watching. DAVE: Can't sleep, the clowns will eat me. WAKKO: WHERE'S a clown!? (screams) ROMANO: Then she wakes up at 3 in the morning, when the phone rings.....and rings.... and rings...... SVEN: Can you just answer it please!? It's giving me a headache! TARA: Hello? LEGOLAS: (makes a whispering voice) A......isht.... TARA: Do you know what time it is?! It took me FOREVER to fall asleep, and you had to wake me up with the PHONE!?!? That is completely inconsiderate! LEGOLAS: Sorry, it was in the script. If it makes you feel better, you looked beautiful in the pool. TARA: Oh....okay. Thanks....just call sometime other than the middle of the night. My parents might get mad. LEGOLAS: Sorry again. See you at the dance. TARA: Love you, bye. (hangs up) Boys. JULIAN: The justice system really sucks here. SVEN: Get used to disappointment. ROMANO: Anyway, she realizes the voice on the phone was saying "famished", not "vanished", and then chapter five is over. LEGOLAS: Does that mean I come in soon? AUTHOR: (laughing) No. ROMANO: You have 40 pages. Read the script and shut up. LIZZIE: Right. Chapter six. Tara is with her friends now and they're discussing the phone call. JESSIE: So he asked you out? TARA: He said he'd see me at the dance. JESSIE: That is soo cool. Does he have a brother? SVEN: He has a twin, but he's taken. Sorry. ARAGORN: He does? LEGOLAS: I do? AUTHOR: Script! ROMANO: And you're talking about Dot, not Legolas! Read your lines. PSYLOCKE: It's Dot. She's a case of peroxide on the brain...(pause) No offense intended, it's in the script, don't drop an anvil on me. DOT: (considers it) Okay, I forgive you. Don't do it again. (pouts) I don't even use peroxide. YAKKO: You use everything else, though. DOT: (slaps him) Do NOT! JOHN: Can we get back to the story now? DOT: (sweetly) Are we stopping you? TARA: Yes, we're watching you. YAKKO: Well, stop watching us and get back to your script! LEAVE US ALONE!!! ROMANO: Yeah, anyway, back to the story. JAMES: The script says we're just all stressed out, we're hearing things, and jumping at shadows. JESSIE: How is that different from normal? JAMES: Thanks....I think. JULIAN: Can you people read your scripts or do we have to shoot you? ARCHANGEL: Thus explaining why we're so stressed out. AUTHOR: (cocks a gun) I'm sorry, what was that? TARA: The phonecalls weren't hallucinations.....not that anyone implied that they were. Anyway, the psychic said "vanished"......however, the right word was "famished." JESSIE: No, the psychic said "You're one of them" and ran off, screaming. JAMES: None of this can be true. You're imagining things. That whole Game was one big imagination. (pauses) Boy, do we have vivid imaginations. ROMANO: Now they're eating Cracker Jacks. PSYLOCKE: Ooo, goodie. I wonder if we'll get a set of Phantom Rings. JESSIE: Or any number of other things...... ********************************************************* NEW CHARACTERS: Property of Wes Craven, Disney, and whoever the heck owns the movie "Crybaby". ASSISTANTS: Freddy Krueger (Cassi), Captian Jack Sparrow (Sven) & the Assistant in training, Wade "Crybaby" Walker....and Cosmo Renfro was promoted to Assistant to Cassi. ASSISTANT'S ASSISTANTS: Nicky Pike (8) Assistant to Jack Sparrow. Jumper- Asst to Dor. Luka Kovac-Asst to Lucy Knight. BABYSITTERS & CHILDREN: Property of Ms. Ann M Martin. Kristy Thomas (13), Claudia Kishi(13), Mallory Pike (11), Jessi Ramsey (11), Karen Brewer(7), Becca Ramsey (8), Charlotte Johansen (8), Adam Pike (10), Byron Pike(10), Jordan Pike(10), Margo Pike (7), & Claire Pike(5). BEFORE THE SPOOF CONTINUES..... ***************************** NICKY: What is this one? I thought Cassi did the dinosaur one. AUTHOR: Jurassic needs more transcripts. This is Forbidden 2. JULIAN: Oh good. (returns to his director's chair) FREDDY: (reading the book) Interesting....hard to belive that Jenny used to be almost normal. JUILIAN: Tell me about it. JENNY: I heard that! FREDDY: Oh NO! HELP! She's going to GLARE me to death! SVEN: She can't. That's Jay's talent. She just scares the dinosaurs. JAY: Wait, what do you mean? AUTHOR: That's your talent. If you glare at someone, they die. JAY: Really?! Cool. (glares at Frank the Pug, killing him) I like it. SVEN: You killed the alien dog. JAY: Yeah, I know. KAY: (moves away) I'll just be sittin' over here. FREDDY: Not fair. AUTHOR: You have a Magician-class, too, but you can't have it until your probabtion's over. FREDDY: (does the Wolvie pout, which everyone seems to learn pretty fast around here) JOHN: Where were we in this one? PSYLOCKE: Crackerjacks. Look, I got a switch-blade! ROMANO: Hmm, the things that go into Crackerjacks boxes these days. TARA: I got a One Ring. PIPPIN: But you're not invisible. TARA: Yeah, I know....I think it's broken. LEGOLAS: I can get you a better one. JESSIE: Cut it out. You're supposed to be enemies, not flirting. Follow the script. COSMO: Can I help direct? AUTHOR: Yeah sure. Take Crybaby's seat. He's late....again. ROMANO: You should fire him. LIZZIE: Yes that's the nicer thing to do. JOHN: No kidding. When Zorro was late, Sven shot him. FREDDY: So we're not going to shoot Mr. Baby? (pouting) Not fair. LUCY: Yeah, well if I see you kill another Johnny Depp, I'm shooting you. CHRIS: Do you honestly think shooting him would even be enough?! Please! If killing Freddy Krueger were THAT easy, he'd have been dead in the FIRST movie. MURDOC: He has a point. I know the type. PENNY: Yeah, you would. AUTHOR: Well, you know what Mr. Englund said about that. "You just can't keep us good Boogeymen down....give us our sequal, or give us DEATH!" **This is true...it was in his Commentery on the DVD of "Boogeymen, the Killer Compilation"....we love this DVD** JIMMY M: Yeah, well 90% of the time, they end up getting both....kind of like Mike. MURDOC: Trade secrets, my child. **Mike Barrett, ie Murdoc --for those who don't know this fact, Murdoc married Miranda Mason under the name of Mike Barrett....thus making him Chris' stepfather. --Cassi's story "Danger Zone". not published online.** AUTHOR: Okay, people. We need to get back to the spoof. Actors, go to your places, and Assistants, go to your director's chairs.....(pause) And when Crybaby gets his lazy [rear] in here, inform him he'll be sitting with the Peanut Gallery, and Cosmo is taking his place. Assistants have to be on time. ROMANO: Even if the Authors arent. AUTHOR: Do as I say, not as I do. RAMONE: Ah, Author logic. COSMO: (takes his seat) Well, at least I got in after the Pikachu slippers and the antennas. FREDDY: (stares at him) ROMANO: You don't wanna know. (pause) Kind of fun though. Being a freak is very liberating. FREDDY: (grins) Yes, I know. (frowns) So how come you guys got to wear slippers and antennas? That's not fair. JOHN: Don't worry about it. I'm sure it's not the last time. AUTHOR: Count on it. Places people! JESSIE: Where were we again? TARA: Crackerjacks. JESSIE: Which Crackerjacks? There's more than one. FREDDY: Apparently, they'll be sick of Crackerjacks when they're done. SPARROW: (eating Crackerjacks) No' really. Some'a the prizes ain' too bad. Look Nicky! (holds up a set of lock-picks) NICKY: Way cool! I got a cigarette lighter! (holds up the silver lighter) SVEN: Ummm, Nicky better swap with Jack. His parents will kill us if he comes home with that. NICKY & SPARROW: (do the Wolvie pout and swap) FREDDY: Oookaaay. Somebody get me a box. JULIAN: Ooo, me too! JORDAN: We want some over here! BYRON: (grins) Please? ROMANO: Exactly where did those Crackerjacks come from? AUTHOR: You need to ask? It's the Jawas brand. Although I believe Chris and Jimmy gave a few ideas about prizes. JIMMY M & CHRIS: (innocently look at the ceiling) PENNY: Nice kid, Murdoc. MURDOC: Hey, I haven't been in the picture that long. I married Miranda just before the twins turned 18....and not long after MacGyver became a father. CHRIS: Mac's a father?! MURDOC: He bacame the father of an 18 year-old bouncing boy called Sam. He got one, and I got two 18 year olds and a four year old. **Emily Mason...now 8. Miranda and Mike later had a daughter now age 2. Marissa Ashton Barrett, used in a few spoofs--see "US Psychos"** LUCY: Wait. Twins? Are you saying there's another Chris? CHRIS: No, I'm Chris, he's Thackary. He's older by six minutes. LUCY: Identical? MURDOC: Pretty much, yeah. They're easy to tell apart, though. You'd know him if you saw him. NIKKI: I'm impressed. ROMANO: Yeah, I'm all happy for you. How's about we get back to the script? JULIAN: (checks the script) Where were we? JESSIE: You're in the Author's box. JULIAN: Funny. What scene is this? FREDDY: (shrugs) I wasn't here....but they've mentioned "Crackerjacks" about three times now. COSMO: Psylocke tells a story about a coffee table and something about coffins not being real. ALL: (look completely clueless) COSMO: They were talking about how something in a dream cannot possibly be real. FREDDY: Yeah, that's what they all say. (grins) SVEN: Great. First they have to be afraid of the Shadowelf, now they have to worry about Freddy, too. AUTHOR: Don't be silly. Freddy can't do nightmares unless he gets paged. ROMANO: You actually think there's some idiot who would page him? AUTHOR: We have a bet going. LIZZIE: I'm not surprised. AUTHOR: Anyway, the group is on That Grassy Area By the Teacher's Parking Lot again. JULIAN: Go to where they discuss about where they've searched. PSYLOCKE: We covered about half the street yesterday....but we didn't find anything. YAKKO: Depends on what you covered them with. LUCY: Maybe you didn't cover them warm enough. JAMES: (ignores them) I found blisters....but we didn't go yesterday. It was a month ago. ROMANO: We don't care. PSYLOCKE: I don't take Kung Fu. I'm a ninja. DEE: Cool. LIZZIE: Keep going anyway. JESSIE: Bites didn't scratch the car. BITES: *Cassi said not to* JAMES: Right, you were chased by a Neverwolf, but fortunately, he backed away, and then Lance showed up and he and Tara had a fight. JESSIE: Yeah, that's about it. FREDDY: Thanks for the re-cap. JESSIE: (looks at Tara) What's up? TARA: I'm wondering if Legolas is ever going to come in. LEGOLAS: You aren't the only one. ROMANO: He never is if you don't people don't follow the script. You're supposed to be upset because you and Lance had a fight and you're afraid you're breaking up. ARCHANGEL: Old news. That relationship was doomed from the beginning of The Hunter. FREDDY: (snikt) Like you will be soon? JESSIE: (eyes Freddy) Um, yeah. Don't worry Tara, it's not forever. Guys need to be reminded of their place every now and then. (glares at James) LIZZIE: How true. (eyes Romano) ROMANO: (gives Corday a Look) I'll show you my place... FREDDY: Oooh, goodie. A fight. AUTHOR: Show places and fight later. We've wasted enough time for now. We're not even half way through this and the season change is upon us very quickly. Tara, your line. TARA: Oh um....(checks the script) It wasn't a regular fight. It was about Legolas. Lance thinks I belong to Legolas or something. PSYLOCKE: Gee, where would he get THAT idea? TARA: (tearful) It's like one of those horrible old movies....Bride of the Devil or something. LEGOLAS: (chokes on his drink) FREDDY: (laughing) LIZZIE: No, that would be me. ROMANO: Yeah, I love you, too, Lizzie. TARA: He thinks he's lost me already, so why compete? JESSIE: Okay, that means we'll have to get drastic. I have an idea. TARA: What is it? JESSIE: You know those sudden thoughts that come into your head as a possible sollution, but that's not important right now. TARA: (flatly) What idea do you have? FREDDY: I like this place. AUTHOR: Told ya so. JESSIE: (points to the poster for the dance) There. TARA: There what? JESSIE: The prom. You can go with....um, who asked you again? TARA: Aside of Legolas? Um....I forget. It's been about three months since then. JOHN: (looks it up) Pietro. JESSIE: Right, go with Pietro. TARA: Legolas might not like that. ARCHANGEL: Exactly the point. That would be where your problem started. JESSIE: Excuse me, you're supposed to be upset at Lance, not proving his point. Now stop mooning over the Shadowelf. (pause) You can call me about him later. TARA: Right. Okay, but I told Pietro no. He's probably asked someone else by now. JESSIE: He supposedly dumped his girlfriend for you. KAREN: Actually, he asked Claudia. I saw him. SVEN: Figures. TARA: (ignores them) He dumped someone.....for me? JESSIE: They've been on the rocks for while. NICKY: Then why didn't they just climb off the rocks? SPARROW: (shrugs) BURT: Graboids? LUCY: Yeah, that would explain it. They'd have to wait a while with a Graboid. TARA: What are you talking about? BURT: Graboids....you know. El Blanco? *appeared in Jeffery* EL BLANCO: What? BURT: Not you. EL BLANCO: But you said-- BURT: Why don't you go help the Raptor Squad? EARL: I'm telling everyone in Perfection. **Earl Basset-Tremors 1&2. Came in during Jeffery** BURT: I'll deny it. MURDOC: I got it on video. EARL: I'll pay you to copy. JESSIE: Can we get back to us now? BURT: Oh yeah, it's always about you. ROMANO: It is right now. How many times do we have to go through this? JESSIE: It's in the script. You have to go with Pietro. I'm going with Evan. TARA: Pietro asked Claudia. AUTHOR: He'll dance with Claudia, but he has to go with you. Besides, you're running off with Legolas during the dance anyway. TARA: Oh....okay. I'll go then. JULIAN: This is so not right. ROMANO: Ah, shut up. Just because Jenny went psycho-- FREDDY: Exactly how many psychos are in this place?! ALMOST ALL OF THE SET: (stand up and wave) Yo! --Instead of mentioning who stood up, we'll just say who didn't....the list is shorter by far-- Jenny, Julian, a couple of newbies, and the original Game players, with the exception of Tom and Zach, who are still dead...as of Jurassic III-- FREDDY: (looks around) I'm impressed. SVEN: Told you you'd fit in great. We're all psychotic.....even the ones who won't admit it. (points at Jenny) AUTHOR: Back to the spoof. Jessie was talking about her date. JAMES: You're going with Evan?! JESSIE: Yes, it's in the script. We already covered that. We're trying to get Tara and Lance back together again. JAMES: By having her cheat on him. Great plan. PSYLOCKE: Oh sure. That's the perfect sollution. ARCHANGEL: Teenage logic. JOHN: Right, now we need Pietro. KAREN: I'll get him! (runs for the KidRoom) PIETRO: (dashes out) Yourang? JESSIE: Tara has changed her mind about the dance. PIETRO: ButIalreadyaskedsomeoneelse.Whynow? TARA: Because it's in the script, but don't worry about it. I'm supposed to be with Legolas, anyway, so you can still dance with Claudia. PIETRO: (looks relieved) Ohokay,whydidn'tyousayso,I'llpickyouupatseven. (dashes off) TARA: What did he say? JESSIE: He said he'd pick you up at seven. TARA: Oh...okay. (pause) I don't have a dress. JESSIE: Worry later. The dance is a few chapters away. ROMANO: Okay, now they go to class and we're going to need Arbok for this scene. FREDDY: To the computer room. AUTHOR: Right, That place where people start messing up their hands and wrists, and turn into mindless zombies in front of a keyboard. JULIAN: Spoken like a true writer. ********************************************************************** Insanity Break # 23,435,387: More stupid laws in the USA.....Yes, these are real. --I don't know if I've used any of these before, I didn't have time to look up the old spoofs. KENTUCKY: By law, anyone who has been drinking is considered "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground." **For which we'd assume you were VERY drunk for.** WASHINGTON: A law to reduce crime states: "It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the Chief of Police as he is entering town." **And if by any chance they DO this, the Police Chief pins the "I'm stupid" sign to the criminal's chest as he's caught.** MEMPHIS, TENN: It is illegal for frogs to croak after 11:00 Pm.....**What are they gonna do, ARREST THEM!?** And Finally FLORIDA: If an elephant is tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would be for a vehicle....**And we wonder how often THAT happens. Florida must be some interesting place to see.** The end. ********************************************************************** THAT PLACE WHERE PEOPLE MESS UP THEIR HANDS AND WRISTS, AND BECOME MINDLESS ZOMBIES IN FRONT OF A KEYBOARD....Like Cassi's doing now.... ********************************************************************** LIZZIE: And Tara is sitting like a mindless zombie in front of a keyboard. ROMANO: We need someone to be sitting next to her. Ask one of the suckers if they want a quick role. PIETRO: (dashes to the KidRoom) --A few seconds later, Mallory and Jessi come out-- AUTHOR: We need someone to sit next to Tara in the computer class. JULIAN: Bit young aren't they? ROMANO: We don't care. MALLORY: Is it a safe role? LIZZIE: Yes, you'd only have a couple of lines while you watch Tara trash a computer. SVEN: Oh goodie. Do we get to kick this one to death, too? AUTHOR: Wait and see. Have a seat, Mal. Tara doesn't bite, and Arbok is after Tara, not you. MALLORY: Okay. (sits at the computer next to Tara's and smiles shyly) TARA: (grins back) Nice to meet you. I'm Tara. MALLORY: Mallory Pike. TARA: I know....interesting family you have. MALLORY: Tell me about it. CARTER: She and Abby should talk. SVEN: Actually, Mallory's family makes Abby's look almost normal. AUTHOR: Back to the spoof. COSMO: ACTION! ROMANO: Tara is typing out her name when the "T" button sticks and puts out a whole bunch of T's all in a row. TARA: Oooh. (nudges Mallory and point) Look. They keep going and going and going.... just like the Engergizer bunny. FREDDY: Nah, Amanda shot the Engergizer bunny. She sent us a picture in Jurassic. MALLORY: (laughing) LIZZIE: And instead of going down to the next line as they should, they just keep going. DOT: By going to the next person's screen? CHARLOTTE: No, by shoving the page over. WAKKO: No, it's not moving. I was watching. ROMANO: Forget it. Just go on. The unbroken line of "T's" starts freaking her out, so she hit the "Enter" button to break the line. TARA: (pushes the button) --Nothing happens-- TARA: (pushes it again) --After two more tries, she repeatedly pounds on the button about twelve times-- TARA: I don't think this is working. KRISTY: (from the KidRoom doorway, where the girls are watching Mallory act) You think?! LIZZIE: She gets afraid, not knowing where those T's are going to. What could possibly be out there? Where could they be going? ROMANO: Usually, we figure there will be nothing in the computer screen except the eventual end of the line, but the way all these spoofs go, there could be a Pac-Man somewhere in there. SPIKE: Beware the evil yellow circle. It's going to eat us all. Help help..run for your lives. Save yourselves. CHRIS: Great, now we're flashing back to Heir to the Spoof. LIZZIE: Desperate to stop the evil line of letters....I cannot believe this is actually in the story....she presses the "Break" key....which of course, this being a spoofset, promptly breaks off. TARA: (stares as the broken key falls to the floor) Right.....okay. JULIAN: One of these days you people will stop taking things so literally. AUTHOR: Why? It's more fun this way. TARA: (presses "Control/Alt/Delete") --Nothing stops the evil line of letters.....does anyone but me think this sounds so utterly stupid?! This chick was seriously trippin'-- ROMANO: Then she notices how blue the screen is....which can't remind her of Legolas, because he doesn't have blue eyes, so we're skipping that. LIZZIE: She's deeply afraid, because the line of letters has gone too far, and she doesn't want to fall off the edge of the world. --By this time, most of the set is in fits of laughter, and Jenny is looking VERY embarrassed, and mad at the same time...because let's face it, this has got to be the stupidest situation in all the books put together....-- SPIKE: Newsflash, luv. The world is round. They discovered this long before your time. JENNY: You're not funny. SPIKE: Says you. The rest of the set thinks it's hysterical. TARA: (reaches around and turns the hard drive off at the switch) --The line of letters comtinues-- MALLORY: Woah....creepy. CREEPY: No, I'm Creepy. That's a computer. TARA: (staring at the computer, then she turns off the monitor) MALLORY: What are you doing? (watches as the T's continue) LIZZIE: She is determined she must stop the T's. TARA: (looks frustrated and yanks the keyboard cord out of the socket) MURDOC: Talk about insanity and obsession. MALLORY: Who's the teacher? LANGLY: (stands up) I'll do it! MALLORY: Mr.....um... LANGLY: Langly. MALLORY: Right. Mr. Langly, Tara's going psycho with the computer. FROHIKE: And she's telling this to someone who went psycho with a flamethrower during his own wedding reception!? KRISTY: You're kidding! MURDOC: Nope, it was a heck of a sight. I have the video. AUTHOR: Story. Discuss the wedding reception later. --Before Langly can come to help, Tara hits the screen again and it gives a white flash, and goes out....as do all the lights in the room-- MALLORY: (to Tara) Wow, you blew the fuse for all the computers. TARA: Dumb thing wasn't working anyway. Piece of junk. ARDETH: Smart. I couldn't have trashed it better myself. SVEN: Can we kick it now? AUTHOR: Yeah sure. MALLORY: You're kidding. ROMANO: Nope, this would be the second computer they've kicked to death....although Fiddles kicked the other one first. --Cassi, Sven, & Tara start repeatedly kicking the computer. After a minute, Ardeth, Carter, and finally Mallory join them-- FREDDY: They have a thing against computers, don't they? ROMANO: (shrugs) Something about them not working. We just don't ask. It's safer that way. Besides, the Evil Trio does the same thing. AUTHOR & OTHERS: (return to their seats as soon as the computer is completely trashed) AUTHOR: Okay, continue. LANGLY: Oh the humanity. SVEN: Serves them right for not working. TARA: Amen. AUTHOR: Okay, go on to Arbok. MALLORY: (to Tara) Now see what you did. TARA: ME!? You helped! ROMANO: Beside the point. The script says you did it. So there. LIZZIE: I worry about you sometimes, Robert. Anyhow, Tara hears a noise like something being dragged on the floor. ARBOK: (slithers around Tara's feet) TARA: (accidently steps on his tail) ARBOK: CHAAAAAA!!!! (quickly slithers away) JESSIE: Oh poor baby!!! TARA: Oops, sorry. SUMMER: Well that takes the scare out of it. JOHN: Yeah, we're good at that. JULIAN: (shakes his head in disbelief) You know, the script doesn't say anything about Jenny stepping on the Creeper's tail. TARA: Well, he was under my FEET! ARBOK: (sitting in Jessie's lap, crying) JESSIE: (is petting him) Oh you poor thing. AUTHOR: Okay, now what's wrong with this picture? JULIAN: Oy vey. AUDREY: I think it's funny. JAMES: So do I. Is Arbok okay, Jessie? JESSIE: He'll be fine. ROMANO: Good, then put him down. He's supposed to be the enemy. COSMO: And the lights go back on. LANGLY: (stares at the broken mess) Wow, more pieces than I thought. Um....Tara, why don't you go home? We can't afford to break any more computers. SVEN: Sure we can. Lucy can make more. LIZZIE: Okay, now we go to that night out on the streets, where they're postering again. THAT NIGHT OUT ON THE STREETS WHERE THEY'RE POSTERING AGAIN ************************************************************** Short Author's note....Dec 23. It has been almost two months since I've typed in this, but I've had the written stuff for at least a month and a half. I apologize for this long delay. I've recently switched rooms, and finally moved upstairs to my bigger room, and of course as it's not entirely complete yet, a lot of stuff is still downstairs. And it takes me a while to get much typed....and of course there's Christmas stuff to do. The office is nowhere near complete yet, and has no phone line in it.....so the computer will remain downstairs for at least another month. Anyways, sorry it's taken so long, and thankyou to my reviewers and readers for being so patient. Now, on with the spoof. ********************************************************************* --Tara, James, Psylocke & Jessie are walking down the street, hanging posters for Kitty2 ....but instead of her picture, they have a picture of the paper house that reads, "Lost: Creepy looking paper house. Please call if you find it. Do not attempt to take it yourself. This house is armed and dangerous."-- COSMO: And the sick thing is that's actually true. JULIAN: (nods) Unfortunately, most people wouldn't believe that. TARA: Anyway, about the computer room....I think it must have been the UPS. SVEN: What does the UPS have to do with it? The fact that they're always so slow? FROHIKE: Uninterruptable Power Supply, not the United Parcel Service! SVEN: Whatever, that still has nothing to do with why packages are always late. FROHIKE: I'm never going to understand you people. LANGLY: If you can't beat them , join them. (insane grin) AUTHOR: We keep saying resistance is futil. TARA: Anyhow, the power thingie kept the computer on, then knocked the power off, and all the rest was in my mind. MALLORY: (from the kidroom doorway) Not really! I heard the snake yell when you stepped on it, and so did everyone else! JESSIE: No kidding, you bruised his tail. TARA: I'm reading my script....like you should be. FREDDY: Are any of them-- AUTHOR: No, Jessie and James are 17, and Psylocke's been de-aged to 17. Only Tara's older. FREDDY: (does the Wolvie pout) No fair. Can't we go back to the other spoof? ROMANO: We go back when Cassi gets around to taking more transcripts off the movie. The script is a bit off for the next section. STEVE: Attack of the Dino-Birds. **Obviously this was before the last bit of the recent part of Jurassic, but there is a bit more to come...I've got about 15 more pages written** COSMO: Oh lovely. MARGO: Cool. BRIDGET: They're supposed to try and eat Cody and Newman. GERARD: Over my rotting corpse. TIMMY: Oh they'll take you too. They're flexible. COSMO: Right, can we get on with THIS spoof right now? FREDDY: Ah, you just don't wanna think about being eaten. COSMO: They can't eat me. I'm an Assistant. LIZZIE: Right, then. Back to Tara. It says after Tara went home, she slept all afternoon.... lucky soul. AUTHOR: Tell me about it. CROSS: (to Donovan) See? I told you she was faking just to get sent home. DONOVAN: Naughty naughty. TARA: It was in the script. COSMO: Story! LIZZIE: Tara was very proud of herself for realizing it was all in her mind. JULIAN: Ah, denial. SVEN: River in Egypt. PIPPIN: Yep. ROMANO: She planned to stay calmer from now on. LANGLY: The future of computers thanks you. LIZZIE: Then they all head for their homes. JESSIE: See you later! Call me! TARA: Of course. ROMANO: And part of that scene was supposed to have been with James over the phone, but once again, they didn't say so until the end of the scene, so we'll skip that....except for the part where James is thinking that he's an unashamed coward. JAMES: I am NOT! JESSIE: Yes you are. FREDDY: We don't care. Get on with it already. LIZZIE: Then he thinks about how he's had a feeling of being watched all day. JAMES: (looks over at the Peanut Gallery) They're WATCHING me!!!! JULIAN: And they say WE'VE had too much exposure to Chris Knight. JAMES: (shrugs) Couldn't help it. JOHN: Now we go to Jessie's house.....and she's rich in this one. "JESSIE'S" HOUSE.....SHE'S RICH IN THIS ONE ***************************************** JESSIE: (flops down on the satin sheets) I like this place. CARTER: Don't get too comfortable. Those were Gamma's favorite sheets. **In case you can't tell, we're borrowing Carter's late Gamma's house** ROMANO: Jessie thinks about how much her feet hurt and how she may be getting calluses....the horror. LIZZIE: And it appears she also has had the feeling that she's been watched. JESSIE: Yes, that usually happens when you have an audience. (strikes a pose) JOHN: Cute. Back to the script. ROMANO: Skip the "dream" thing. Bites doesn't really wanna lick Jessie's neck. BITES: *Ew* JESSIE: Double ew. That's disgusting. AUTHOR: Anyhow, that finishes that chapter. Freddy, can you get me a Pepsi? (gives him a small piece of paper) FREDDY: (reads it and grins) Of course. (heads backstage) ROMANO: Do I wanna know? AUTHOR: Probably not. We're at Psylocke's house. ********************************************************************** Insanity break # I forget what number this was....it appeared in an email I sent somewhere. Sven found it so funny, I was forced to put it here/// Fuzzy Wuzzy was a Bear. Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair. If Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair.... WHY THE HECK DID THEY CALL HIM FUZZY WUZZY?! Think about it, what kind of cruel heartless mother bear names her BALD baby bear Fuzzy Wuzzy?! You know this kid was made fun of and grew up with a huge complex that probably earned him hours with his shrink. Somebody should have reported her to the Bear Cub SRS or something...... Ahem...we now return you to the spoof in progress.... ********************************************************************** "PSYLOCKE'S" HOUSE *********************** LIZZIE: Oh wonderful. My house. Thanks a bundle. ROMANO: They wanted to use mine, but Gretel protested. AUTHOR: Relax, we're not going to trash it. Psylocke is asleep in the bed. --Just as Psylocke is laying on the bed in the dark, she sees a large shape above her that seems to come out of the wall-- FREDDY: (evil chuckle) PAYLOCKE: (sits bolt upright in bed and turns on the light) --Freddy has vanished. Psylocke stares at the wall for a minute and grabs the "Stay Awake" off the bedside table....if you've seen any of the "Nightmare on Elm Street" movies, you know what this is-- SVEN: Look, we're making them paranoid. FREDDY: (returns to his seat and hands Cassi her Pepsi) Thankyou very much. Most amusing. PSYLOCKE: I hate that guy. ROMANO: Join the club. So do a lot of people. FREDDY: Yeah, notice how broken up I am over it. (grins) COSMO: Anyway, on to Archangel's house....for real. ARCHANGEL'S HOUSE....FOR REAL ******************************* TARA: Nice place. ROMANO: (to Julian) Tortured them all in turn, huh? JULIAN: What can I say? I make house calls. I'm very flexible. DEE: Yeah, thanks bunches. JULIAN: Don't mention it. LIZZIE: Anyway, Warren is laying in bed, staring the the ceiling, thinking about he and Tara as children, playing Indians in the Chreey Orchard and Pirates in the creek. SPARROW: Aww, they played Pirates...(grins) 'Ow swee'. LIZZIE: They were always in imaginary worlds because the imaginary worlds are always better than the real one. AUTHOR: (who actually lived in one) Amen. ** I had severe ADD and a split personality, Sue me.** ROMANO: Speak for yourselves. I think our imaginary world sucks. AUTHOR: You know if you would just tell your world where to stick it you can live in our imaginary world. ROMANO: We've already been over this hundreds of times, Cas. JULIAN: Then stop complaining. ROMANO: Ah, shut up. Anyways, in the air above him, Warren sees a giant deer head ready to fall on him. NEWMAN: Weird nightmares. FREDDY: (yawns) I've seen weirder. JULIAN: Likewise. GERARD: I'm not surprised. ARCHANGEL: (closes his eyes and throws up his hands) --The deer head never hits him, as it has vanished-- ARCHANGEL: Freaky. (also grabs the bottle of "Stay Awake") DAVE: The Freddy Krueger disease is catching. FREDDY: (shoots Dave) I'm not a disease. SVEN: The people of Springwood beg to differ. **ie Freddy VS Jason...Freddy is treated like a disease....if you missed it in theaters, it comes to video Jan 13th...^_^ Can't wait** FREDDY: (about Springwood) Morons, all of them. ROMANO: Right, whatever. Anyway, now we're at the next morning when they all decide they were hallucinating....imagining things. PSYLOCKE: I must have one vivid imagination. (glares at Freddy, who innocently looks at the ceiling...thus making him look REALLY guilty) FREDDY: I was getting a Pepsi. You imagined it. ROMANO: Are YOU a rotten liar. LIZZIE: James tells Psylocke she imagined Freddy and tells Warren his was something about an old woman sitting on his chest. CHRIS: Kinky. FREDDY: (staring) Oh yeah, and they call ME the sick one. SVEN: Ew. ARCHANGEL: Double ew. What does a deer head have to do with an old woman on my chest? ALL: (look clueless) COSMO: Right, skip it. ROMANO: Yeah, and since Bites didn't go to Jessie's house, skip that too. PSYLOCKE: Did Chris Knight die at the beginning? It says something about his being mauled. CARTER: Was he asleep? FREDDY: It wasn't me. I wasn't here then. AUTHOR: (looks it up) He wasn't mauled, but he WAS asleep. PSYLOCKE: (remembers) Right, they found Chris Knight dressed like Elmer Fudd, asleep in the hills with "I'm a big wussy" written across his forehead. FREDDY: Funny. I need to see that one. AUTHOR: (hands him the picture) FREDDY: Cute. MADCHRIS: Funny, very funny. Can I shoot him with the giant spider's laser? **Wild Wild Spoofed Mess, Chris is helping to build the spider** SVEN: No, he's an Assistant and you're over 17. **ie Freddy can kill anyone over 17** MADCHRIS: (Wolvie pout) AUTHOR: Okay, next section. We need Lance now. LANCE: Finally. TARA: You were pouting before. LANCE: The faster this stupid spoof is over, the faster Kitty comes back in the third one. ROMANO: Well yes, but you have to follow the script, so you love Tara now. LIZZIE: Right, back to Lance. BACK TO LANCE ****************** ROMANO: Lance had heard about the "Big wuss" incident the afternoon before. His first thought had been Warren or James... LANCE: Actually, my first thought was Elmer Fudd....then I realized it was just Chris. LIZZIE: He was relieved to know Tara was safe at school...then again after he'd heard she was sent home, he thought maybe school was not so safe. ROMANO: At first, the thought had come to call her to see if she was okay, but no. He couldn't because he had already chosen to be an ass in this story. LIZZIE: A concept I'm sure you're familiar with, Robert. ROMANO: Well yeah, but at least I make it look good. AUTHOR: Amen, and I'm sure the ladies in the Rocket Sanctuary agree. CARTER: The Rocket Sanctuary!? SVEN: Yeah, Romano actually has lots of fangirls. AUTHOR: Yeah, they have this picture of him shirtless with pink bunny ears and "Rockettes" tattooed on his shoulder. It says "Happy Easter". LIZZIE: (busts out laughing) Now THAT I have to see! ROMANO: (covers his mouth and runs for the bathroom) SVEN: Yeah, that's how I reacted. AUTHOR: I just screamed in sheer horror. (Cassi and Sven are bothered by pink bunnies) FREDDY: (makes a face) How about we go back to the script? JULIAN: As soon as the other narrator stops puking in the bathroom. ROMANO: (returns) That was vile. LIZZIE: Aww come on, I thought it sounded cute. ROMANO: You're a sick woman, Lizzie. LIZZIE: Exactly, but you love me anyway and you know it. JOHN: Ugh, gag me with a spoon. NICKY: Gross. BYRON: Corday and Romano sitting in a tree, N-E-C-K-I-N-G! ROMANO: If I was your parents, I'd put you up for adoption. MALLORY: They tried, but everyone paid for them to be taken back. BYRON: Did not! CLAIRE: Did TOO! JORDAN: Did NOT! NICKY: Did TOO! JORDAN: (gives him the Bizzer sign) NICKY: Jack, they're giving me the BIZZER SIGN!!! SPARROW & LUCY: (shrug and return the Bizzer Sign to the triplets) ROMANO: Oh goodie. Now we have a Bizzer war. FREDDY: What's the Bizzer Sign? AUTHOR: Insult thing the Pike Boys made up. They're an insane family. JOHN: Unfortunately, the sign seems to be spreading. --Sparrow and Lucy are now having an all out insult war with the triplets...however, do to shortage of space in this file, the inults are not typed here-- FREDDY: Can I go kill someone? AUTHOR: Yeah sure, go ahead. FREDDY: (kills Luke Skywalker) Thankyou. HAN: What'd you kill HIM for?! FREDDY: (shrugs) I felt like killing someone and he was the first person over 17 I saw. ROMANO: Well why don't you just kill Weaver again? It's more fun and way more satisfying. Seriously, how many times has Luke been killed in the last few spoofs? SPIKE: Don't know. Lost count during Heir. At least 6. AUTHOR: (looks it up) I got 5 total, but I have been known to miss a few. FREDDY: (frowns) How many on Weaver? AUTHOR: (grins) List says 9. ROMANO: Really? Hey KERRY! Come out and see something! WEAVER: (from medlab) Drop dead, Robert! ROMANO: I don't think she's going for it. JULIAN: I think you've done this a few times too many. FREDDY: Can I go kill her? AUTHOR: Nah, kill her later. We've wasted enough time. ROMANO & FREDDY: (wolvie pout) JOHN: Back to the spoof. ROMANO: But can't we just-- JOHN: No. FREDDY: But it would only take-- AUTHOR: No. FREDDY & ROMANO: (more wolvie pout) TARA: Um, where did we stop? YAKKO: Freddy killed Luke. TARA: Before that! BYRON: Bizzer Sign. LEGOLAS: Before that? DOT: Something about Romano and Corday necking. JESSIE: Before that? SVEN: Romano as the Easter Bunny, then he ralphed in the bathroom. ROMANO: Thanks for the flashback. Where were we in the STORY!? LIZZIE: Lance was being an ass....and so are Robert and Freddy. ROMANO & FREDDY: Thankyou. JULIAN: People, this spoof ain't about Romano and Freddy-- JOHN: (whispering) For which we're VERY grateful. JULIAN: ...so get back to the script. Lance, go be an ass. LANCE: Thanks....I think. BECCA R: I'm bored. When do we go back to the dinosaurs? ROMANO: We already went through this. Transcripts first. AUTHOR: I'm getting there. JULIAN: While we're getting to things, how's about getting to the spoof? FREDDY: I'm bored. AUTHOR: I know the feeling. FREDDY: Can we go out and eat now? SVEN: Only if you can stop playing with the food. LIZZIE: Definitely. CHRIS: Hey, Dor was the one making it scream. LUCY: I thought it was funny. SPARROW: I' was. NICKY: It was so COOL! We should go BACK! SVEN: I think they banned us after Freddy's preformance. LANGLY: Okay, what happened? NICKY: Dor made the food scream and Freddy kept poking it. Everyone was staring. CHEN: Ew. AUTHOR: I thought it was funny. ROMANO: The waitress and those people next to us who left didn't seem to agree. JULIAN: Right, anyhow, back to the spoof at hand. PIPPIN: Do we have to? JOHN: Yes. PIPPIN: But I was hungry too. AUTHOR: Starving. Food time....let's go. A SHORT BREAK LATER.... ***************************** AUTHOR: (to Pippin) Satisfied? PIPPIN: Definitely....but all that wasn't my fault. Freddy, Julian an' Dor helped. FREDDY: Hey, you were the one who was dancing on the table. I was only torturing the food. CARTER: What happened? SVEN: We got kicked out of another food place. DOR: It wasn't my fault. SPARROW: I though' i' was fun. (staggers, nearly tripping over a Jawa) ARDETH: He's drunk, isn't he? AUTHOR: Yeah, well it was cool to see Nicky, Jack and Pippin dance on the table. MERRY: Not fair. I wanna come next time. JOHN: Assuming we can find another place that will let us in. SPIKE: What about the places we used to go? SVEN: Got sick, no more. AUTHOR: We have to keep changing. We get sick and tired of the same thing. TARA: Are we going to make it t the dance this month at all? JENNY: I doubt it. **At the rate we're going, we won't get to the dance until 2004 at least.** AUTHOR: I have a headache. ROMANO: You know, I couldn't help but notice all the people in that place were staring at us. LIZZIE: They thought we were plotting murder. LUCY: That must be it. SVEN: Definitely. There's no way possible it could be what everyone was doing. LIZZIE: Don't look at me, I was eating......or I was until Mr. Krueger started in on his show. ROMANO: Actually, that was the funny part. AUTHOR: Yeah, I was laughing too hard to eat. LEGOLAS: Can we get back to the spoof? I DO eventually want to get in this. FREDDY: Get into what? JULIAN: Well, we're not the ones wasting the time here people. JESSIE: You were eating! JOHN: Part of us were. JAMES: And that's not a waste of time? SVEN: Not when you're hungry. ARCHANGEL: Figures. COSMO: Okay people, get back to your places....where ever the heck they were. FREDDY: Bizzer Sign....we were at the Bizzer Sign. AUTHOR: Thankyou Mallory for having your weird family corrupt my set. MALLORY: Your set was already corrupted, long before my family came along. Mom and Dad threw a fit when Byron mentioned that a flamethrower would be great for a cook out and Nicky was allowed to use one. SVEN: We know. They called us. We said Nicky has not used a flamethrower and niether has the rest of their kids....but they have wonderful imaginations. MALLORY: I think Mom and Dad want to come here to make sure Nicky's not doing any- thing illegal. AUTHOR: Yeah, we okayed that, but not until next spoofs. We have a couple of others coming in at that time anyhow. ROMANO: Yeah, the Freddy Triplets....just what we need. SVEN: Hey, Freddy's the only evil one. The two others are the good guys. FREDDY: Wha? AUTHOR: Two of you are coming in for the next spoofs. One's a College Professor, and the other's a thief turned Security Guard....(and we'll let you figure those out) They're cool. FREDDY: Ooookaaaay...(takes a seat) Are they Assistants too? AUTHOR: No. FREDDY: Oh....good. Back to the story....as soon as we figure out where we were. ROMANO: That scene before the Bizzer Sign. THAT SHORT SECTION BEFORE THE SEASON CHANGES/ THAT SECTION BEFORE THE BIZZER SIGN.....What? TWO MONTHS LATER........ TARA: (reads the spoofset calendar) Happy New Year....I guess we aren't getting to Legolas yet, huh? ROMANO: Don't talk to me, don't even look at me. Leave me alone. JULIAN: (eyes Romano's bandaged arm) Well I guess asking how things are going for you isn't a good idea. ROMANO: (growls at him) JULIAN: Um....right. I have to go.....lift some heavy stuff or something. (exits quickly) FREDDY: (looking at Romano's bandaged arm) ROMANO: (glares) FREDDY: (makes a zipping motion over his mouth and walks off) JESSIE: Where's Cassi and Sven? WEAVER: (from Med Lab) Don't know, don't care. LIZZIE: (walks in and looks around) I thought Cassi was supposed to be here. ROMANO: (shrugs as she takes her seat) LIZZIE: Where did the other Assistants go? COSMO: (takes his seat) Rob scared them away by looking at them. LIZZIE: (looks at Romano) Robert scared Freddy away? ROMANO: I didn't shoot anyone. LIZZIE: Well good, it means less work for the others. ROMANO: Can I go blow Kerry up now? LIZZIE: Robert, you PROMISED! ROMANO: What?! I said I wouldn't SHOOT anyone! (picks up a grenade launcher) You didn't say one word about blowing people up. MURDOC: (enters with Chris and Jimmy--Martinez, not Bond) Who's blowing who up and can I help? CARTER: I'll help! ROMANO: (glares) Not a chance. I can blow people up by myself! LIZZIE: Robert, that's mean. ROMANO: (defensively) They were mean to me first! LEGOLAS: Not to interrupt your plotting murder, but am I going to get into the story at all before the season change? (If you read the intro, that one's pretty much a no brainer..) TARA: They told me not to ask. LEGOLAS: Figures. Where's the Authors? JESSIE: They aren't here yet. JAMES: What a surprise. WARREN: If the Authors aren't here, do we still have to be? (Archangel will now be listed as "Warren" as we all know the creep from the trio is long dead) LEGOLAS: If they don't show up can we start without them? ROMANO: Start what? LIZZIE: Making fun of the book characters. Remember? We were insulting them. You love insulting people. It makes you feel better. ROMANO: That was yesterday. Today I wanna blow people up. Where did Kerry go? LIZZIE: Don't know, don't care. (wrestles the grenade launcher away, and puts it on the other side of her chair) ROMANO: (doing the Wolvie pout) LIZZIE: (laughs, leans over and kisses him on the cheek) If you can behave yourself, you can kill someone later. ROMANO: If Cassi doesn't show up within the next hour, I'm blowing up Kerry. JESSIE: If she doesn't show up within the next hour, I'm going home. JAMES: Me too. LANCE: When are we getting Kitty back? Next season? ROMANO: Maybe the one after that at the rate we're going. LANCE: Figures. I'm leaving. FREDDY: I think I'll go play in Dreamland. By the way, when Cassi does show up, she owes me fifty bucks. Nobody paged me. JOHN: Good luck getting it out of her. ROMANO: Where's your pager? FREDDY: Don't know. I lost it. COSMO: So how do you know nobody paged you? FREDDY: I just know. LIZZIE: Sure you do. (looks around) I don't think they're coming. Cassi did mention she was pretty busy. ROMANO: Good, can I have the grenade launcher back? Really, it will make me feel better. LIZZIE: (sighs and hands it back) Are you going to bring her back? ROMANO: Can't we leave her dead? LIZZIE: No! ROMANO: Then you bring her back. All you have to do is snap your fingers. JOHN: Tell you what. I'll bring her back. That way, you can both kill her. ROMANO & LIZZIE: (look at each other and shrug) Okay. SPOOF SEASON SIX Timewise, Jurassic III has ended. Chameleon is not quite over, but very close, and the next spoof to start will be "The Spoof of Magic" Parody of "The Source of Magic" by Piers Anthony [Xanth BookII] Upon the end of Jurassic III, Julian is on probation, and Bill in in tharapy after an incident involving a purple dinosaur and a severe nervous breakdown. So for the duration of this spoof and the next couple, Julian is in the Peanut Gallery and not in the Author's box. Romano has had his arm amputated and has been fitted with what we call his "Luke Skywalker" arm, which is the most use he's gotten out of it since this whole mess began... Because of this, he's in a realitively good mood this time. Overall, the main cast is about to go insane as it has been nearly a year, and Legolas has yet to make his big entrance into the story. (anyways, since we've had enough delays, we now return you to the spoof in progress) BEFORE THE SPOOF CONTINUES..... AUTHOR: (reenters the set) Hi peoples, what's up? ROMANO: The sky is still up. Wha'd you do to your hair? SVEN: She cut it. AUTHOR: It needs to be dyed. Can you tell? LIZZIE: So I see. JULIAN: You lost the top of your stripe. AUTHOR: Yeah, rub it in. TARA: Um, are we going to get back to the story now? LEGOLAS: I'm getting bored. FREDDY: And how is that our problem? LEGOLAS: You know, if I really don't have to be here..... JULIAN: Excuse me, you're a Shadow Elf. You watch what happens, that's your job. Shut up and do it. LEGOLAS: (Wolvie pout) LANCE: Great, at this rate, it'll be a year and a half before we finally get Kitty back. ROMANO: Considering the rate we're going, and the order of these spoofs, I would guess two years and a half. AUTHOR: Hey, you people just have to act in the spoofs. I have to write them. Do you have any idea of how long it takes to write one of these? We may be finished with Jurassic, but I have yet to finish writting it. SVEN: (shrugs) Well, you know Carney has nothing better to do with his time than put our wrists back into place. (we keep messing up the bones of our wrists in the fashion the Dr. calls, "Overuse syndrom") AUTHOR: And be buddies with Ah-nuld. ROMANO: Are you serious? SVEN: Yeah. (we really do love you Dr. Carney.....you make our lives so much more painful. What would we ever do without you?--for those confused, he's our Chiropractor) AUTHOR: Eventually, we'll get him to ask Ah-nuld our alien question. (see Jurassic III during the questioning scene at the beginning) JAMESON: Oh yeah, real brain stimulation. SVEN: When did you get here? JAMESON: I'm starring in future spoofs. I thought I'd be here to comment. AUTHOR: That's right. He's casted in Zorro....and Pirates of the Caribbean. LOGAN: You put HIM in Zorro!? SVEN: Yeah, it would be fun. SCOTT: Who's he playing? AUTHOR: That doesn't matter. What matters is that we need to get back to this spoof. Where were we? ROMANO: Don't know. I've had surgery since then. Twice, if you count this contraption. (flips the set off with his new arm) Look, I can do it myself without using the other hand. LUCY: (exaggerated) Ooooh, neato. LIZZIE: (snickering) ROMANO: (flips her off) JULIAN: The last part was supposed to have been, "That Section Before the Bizzer Sign". AUTHOR: (nods, then frowns) And what was that? JULIAN: (starts to answer, then frowns) I don't know. AUTHOR: (looks it up) We were at the dream sequences and we had just gotten to Lance being an ass. Much like he is now. LANCE: (sticks his tongue out) ROMANO & LIZZIE: (open their books to the right spot) ROMANO: Right....shall we continue then? THE SPOOF CONTINUES.....AGAIN THAT SECTION BEFORE THE BIZZER SIGN......TAKE TWO....OR IS IT THREE? ROMANO: (continues narration) Lance had already chosen his path and couldn't change it now.....besides, she obviously wouldn't want him back anyway because she must want the elf more. LANCE: No kidding. He actually took her home with him for a few visits. LIZZIE: True, but in this story, that didn't happen. Read your script. ROMANO: (continues) But it didn't matter. He would protect her anyway. LEGOLAS: I thought I did that. JULIAN: Yeah, but Tom was an idiot who thought I was bad and intended to eat her. CHRIS: Depends on how you wanna put that. SVEN: (whacks him with the book) Didn't I say no pervert stuff? We're trying to avoid an R-rating on this. CHRIS: It slipped. Sorry, force of habit. MURDOC: If it slips again, I'm shooting you. ROMANO: Okay.....Lance is brooding, and skipping school, and he doesn't care, yadda yadda yadda.....dead six year old, which really doesn't fit into this...I mean, Chris Knight, I can understand killing, but a kid? (pause) Unless it was one of those X-Babies or something......no offense. WOLVIE: (gives the middle claw) None taken. ROMANO: Anyway, skip the six year old. LIZZIE: Lance examines some black sticky stuff at the crime scene and realizes when he touches it, that it's actually red. LANCE: (smells it) Ketchup. ARDETH: Ew. AUTHOR: Wakko! Quit eating food on the set! WAKKO: (belches) Sorry. ROMANO: Right, so it's ketchup. Back to the other group. THE OTHER GROUP LIZZIE: Okay, a few lines about how awful they all look and the fact that they're all having bad dreams..... SVEN: And we have reached the plot of all "Nightmare on Elm Street" movies. FREDDY: I'm so proud. JULIAN: Yeah, so was I. (wipes a tear) AUDREY: Yeah, you would be. Down stomach, down. LIZZIE: Tara was schedulled to go postering with the group later, but had to stop by the YMCA first, where she volunteered at a swim class for disabled children. ROMANO: And now she had to miss the class and felt really bad....even though we've heard nothing at all about this until now. AUTHOR: (shrugs) TARA: (to Jellylorum) I hate to miss the class, but I have to. I know I should have told you before, but..... JELLY: It's okay. You're busy with your acting. Are you okay? TARA: I have a headache, and I hate this story. JESSIE: By now, you're not the only one. JENNY: Tell me about it. This is the second time for us. ROMANO: I'm getting really tired of hearing you people complain! Now shut up and act so we can finish this stupid thing! We have to start "Two Towers" as soon as "The Spoof of Magic" starts up. LEGOLAS: We do? I thought Sven was doing Lord of the Rings. AUTHOR: Sven snatched Pirates and Spiderman for next, so I snatched "Two Towers." Sven'll do the third one. JAMESON: In another two years..... SVEN: Depends on how long the Two Towers lasts. We may have to pospone "The Kill." LANCE: Hey no fair! AUTHOR: Ah, shut up. Back to the spoof. Who's playing Cam's part? SNAGGLE: Me. ROMANO: Psylocke comes in with Snaggle. LIZZIE: No, they were outside, waiting. ROMANO: Whatever. Outside, she sees Betsy and Snaggle. LIZZIE: Then again, maybe it was inside. AUTHOR: We don't care. PSYLOCKE: Snaggle came here from the Center. TARA: The center of what? FREDDY: Ahem? TARA: Right, moving on. What is it? SNAGGLE: It means moving past a subject you're stuck on, but that's not important right now. ROMANO: Ahem? SNAGGLE: Oh right. I found....(pause) What were we looking for again? The Yellow Brick Road? PSYLOCKE: Rachel Greene? SNAGGLE: Oh right......she was on the phone. TARA: What a surprise. SNAGGLE: Here's her address, but you might wanna just call her. LIZZIE: Assuming you could actually get her while she's not talking to someone. TARA: Right, let's just go see her. JELLY: Wait, what's this all about? TARA: It's alright. Everything's going to be fine now. MICHAEL: Yeah sure, we believe you. SPARROW: Everythin' will be foin as long as ye keep actin'. PIPPIN: Yeh, that way this thing's done faster. JOHN: I think it's a bit late for that. AUTHOR: Not if they keep acting and stop piddling. PSYLOCKE: We're not piddling, you people are. FREDDY: Shut up and read your script. COSMO: Do as we say, not as we do. LIZZIE: Snaggle takes them to Rachel's house.....which happens to be my home again. How lovely. CARTER: Apparently, Psylocke and Rachel were living in the same house and never saw each other. SVEN: What can we say? We're cheap. TARA: Then again, it means it's easier to get into the house. I'll go in myself. Thankyou, Snaggle. SNAGGLE: Don't thank me. The author made me. I don't want my sister back. KITTY 1: I say we put our son up for adoption. WAGNER: Okay. Ve'll start postering for zhat next. SUMMER: I can't see my parents doing that. JENNY: Don't ask. ROMANO: Tara rings the bell, but nobody answers, so she decides to try breaking and entering. LIZZIE: Only entering, no breaking. ROMANO: I meant that. Anyhow, finding the door unlocked, she walks right in. COSMO: And finds Rachel on the phone. (So...you think we can get her off the phone to play Rose in Titanic? Place your bets) JULIAN: There's a real shocker. LIZZIE: Rachel is laying on the couch, and is supposed to be watching television, but is rotting out her brain another way. RACHEL: (spots Tara and jumps) Hey, don't you people KNOCK!? TARA: I rang the bell four times....besides, Psylocke lives here too. RACHEL: Whatever. Guys, I'll call you back. (hangs up) What do you want? TARA: I need to talk to you. RACHEL: I don't wanna talk to you. I'm calling the police. TARA: They'll just put you on hold. Go ahead. RACHEL: (mutters something not nice under her breath) So what do you want? TARA: You saw Todd and Brock before they disappeared, didn't you? You know where they went. ROMANO: Rachel doesn't answer, and is still holding the phone, as we all assume it's surgically attatched. GREENE: (snickering) RACHEL: (flatly) Funny. (puts the phone down) ALL: Ooooohhhh. LIZZIE: It's a MIRACLE!!! TARA: Rachel, you DID see them, didn't you? And you saw what they had. You've got to tell me. If you don't, what happened to them could happen to someone else! RACHEL: (frowns) What happened to them anyway? GREENE: Duty in the Kid Room. RACHEL: (shivers) I hate you. TARA: No you don't. You hate this story. RACHEL: What story? JOHN: Someone didn't read the book. LUCY: She didn't have time. She was on the phone. ROMANO: Okay...anyways, there was a long argument about who hates who, and eventually, Rachel tell her where the Game is. RACHEL: I won't tell you, but I can show you. PSYLOCKE: So where is it? --A short while later-- PSYLOCKE: You've GOT to be kidding me. SPIKE: What? We TOLD you to check the mall! Is it our fault you didn't listen? TARA: Very funny. DEE: It was supposed to be in a shed. SVEN: So? Since when did that matter? --In the middle of a nearby mall, on a small table, stands the exploded ruins of the paper house// After all, most of us already knew the house had to have exploded as it was mentioned that was how Jeffery and Mohawk got out for "ER VS the Infestation of Jeffery." Written on the table in black marker are the words, "Legolas was here. Tell Tara I love her."-- PSYLOCKE: Someone blew it up. RACHEL: It wasn't me. TARA: I assume Todd and Brock didn't actually play the Game. JESSIE: Brock's smarter than that.....I think. RACHEL: So I guess calling the police is still pointless? DAWN: Buffy's still answering the phones, so yeah it's pretty pointless. TARA: (sighs) He loves me. JESSIE: Not fair. RACHEL: Tell me about it. The guy's a dreamy hunk. ROMANO: Excuse me, where in the script does it say that Jenny, Audrey, and what's her name talk about how gorgeous Julian is? (gags) Vomit pill now. AUTHOR: (hands him the bottle) LIZZIE: So Tara and Jessie look through the ruins of the house and find Legolas' ring isn't in the box anymore. TARA: I knew that. Legolas told me when he brought me to Mirkwood. LANCE: Figures. ROMANO: Nobody cares. The important thing is we finally finished the chapter. ALL: (wild applause) COSMO: Wow.....finally. FREDDY: Now they all meet at Audrey's house. ROMANO: Jessie's house. ARDETH & CARTER: Gamma's house. FREDDY & ROMANO: Whatever. GAMMA'S HOUSE LIZZIE: And everyone is there, except Robert.....I mean Lance. Sorry, wrong ass. ROMANO: You like it and you know it. The insult war is the highlight of your day. LIZZIE: (gives a small cheeky grin) Which explains why I like it here. AUTHOR: Are you two done? You're making me sick. ROMANO: Yeah, getting back to business. COSMO: Chapter eight. LIZZIE: As I was saying....everyone but Lance is gathered at Gamma's house to talk about this new change of events. ROMANO: And the exploded paper house is sitting on the coffee table in front of them, on some newspaper to avoid messing up the table top. LIZZIE: The mention telling Rachel and Snaggle goodbye, and Tara hugged Rachel, telling her she would check on her friends. TARA: No, I said she can go back to her phone call. ROMANO: Whatever. The important thing is Rachel's part is done. Let the story continue. LEGOLAS: When do I come in? AUTHOR: About eleven pages. Shut up and be patient, or it'll be longer. The dance is in this chapter. You come in at the end of it. WARREN: It's about time. I'm sick of this story. COSMO: All the more reason we may be waiting on "The Kill." LANCE: I hate you people. SVEN: That's okay, we love you people. LOGAN: Right, what would you people do if you couldn't torture people? AUTHOR: Hard to say. I can't think back that far. SVEN: Doesn't matter. (grins) Now we have a hobby. ROMANO: Right, back to the story. (turns to Lizzie) Doesn't matter to me. They let me kill people, and there's no boring paperwork. LIZZIE: (shakes her head with a smirk) I worry about you sometimes, Robert. FREDDY: I don't see why all you guys hate it here so much. I think it's fun. SCOTT: You would. LUKE: That's because they don't kill and torture you all the time. SVEN: He's not allowed to kill anyone under the age of 17. To him, that IS torture. ROMANO: Now if everyone's done wasting time..... LIZZIE: Get back to work!!! GAMMA'S HOUSE......TAKE TWO ROMANO: Again.....They're all gathered at Gamma's house, where no adults can butt in. PSYLOCKE: At one point, some of us WERE adults. COSMO: We don't care. Read your script. JESSIE: What can we do? (eyes the Assistants, who look ready to comment) And that WAS my line, so shut up! FREDDY: (innocently) Wha'd we say? TARA: You were thinking it. ROMANO: How would you know? PSYLOCKE: I'm telepathic. ROMANO: Good for you. Back to the story. You're wasting time. WARREN: (reading his script) Well, that's the question. FIDDLES: Yes, that was a question. Congradulations for figuring that out. You must be very smart, yes you must. Nobody else could have figured out that was a question, nope, never. SVEN: Shut up, Fiddles. FIDDLES: Why I never-- SVEN: We know that. Try anyway. Some of us have a headache. FIDDLES: Oh.....okay. Fiddles will be quiet then. ALL: (waiting for him to keep talking) FIDDLES: Why is everyone looking at me? Go back to the story! And keep quiet, people have headaches, yes they do. AUTHOR: Thankyou Fiddles. Back to the story. LANCE: By the way, the script says I'm supposed to be there too. ROMANO: Whoopie. We were busy making everyone waste time. LIZZIE: And Lance ended up there because he'd been following the others, but they don't know why. AUDREY: Maybe he just wanted to find out if we were talking about him. COSMO: Well, if he's there, you can't really talk about him, can you? ROMANO: No, it's really no fun talking about someone behind their back if they're listening. (pause) Unless it's Kerry. WEAVER: (from MedLab) Go to Hell, Robert. SVEN: Is she still here? ROMANO: Why? Did you want me to shoot her? AUTHOR: Later.....shoot her later. We need to go back to the story. My attention span only lasts so long. LANCE: Right. (looks at Tara) You know, I don't think they'll hurt you. TARA: What do you mean, "They?" LANCE: The wolf and the snake. The Creeper and the Lurker? Am I the only one who remembers they were in the Game, too? JAMES: What Game? JOHN: This may take a while. AUTHOR: Good thing I brought a book. (opens a "Ghost Stories" book and starts reading) ROMANO: You actually read those? AUTHOR: Sure. Love them. Some are pretty cool. LIZZIE: Story! JESSIE: Oh, right. Tara stepped on Arbok's tail in class. ROMANO: Then they realize that all of this is real and not their imaginations. LEGOLAS: And a kewpie doll for Lance. LANCE: Back off. You're my enemy until I get Kitty back. LEGOLAS: Oh great. So I have to spend most of the next spoof with you, while you hate me. LANCE: Wha? COSMO: He didn't read the last book yet. ROMANO: Legolas kidnaps you and Warren at the end of this spoof. It's why they all have to go back to the Shadow World for the next story. Duh. LANCE: Figures. JESSIE: That means cut the crap or we'll leave your worthless ass in the ShadowWorld to rot. TARA: Yeah, but we have to go for Warren and Kitty anyway. JAMES: Darn. SVEN: That would have been pretty interesting in the real book. PIPPIN: (shrugs) Don't know. Didn't read it. SPARROW: Neithah did I. LUCY: I did. It was funny.....but not as funny as this one is. JESSIE: So that means the dreams must be real too. PSYLOCKE: And you're what, surprised? Freddy Krueger is on set. FREDDY: So nice to be remembered. COSMO: Actually, Legolas is supposed to get the credit. LEGOLAS: I didn't do anything. TARA: Legolas wouldn't do that. JESSIE: Of course not, it must have been Freddy. LANCE: And they wonder why I think she belongs to him. PSYLOCKE: We don't care about that. What do we do? JAMES: About Legolas or Freddy? ROMANO: Legolas. Freddy isn't in the script. LANCE: Bites was supposed to have gotten Chris Knight, but since it was Jigglypuff, let's just forget it. JAMES: Forget Jiggly?! If we go to sleep, Freddy gets us! JOHN: How many times do we have to tell you Freddy isn't in the script?! PSYLOCKE: He was in MY dream! FREDDY: No I wasn't. I was getting Pepsi. You imagined that. JESSIE: (sarcastically) Yeah, I buy it. FREDDY: Are you calling me a liar?! LIZZIE: Always. Back to the script. PSYLOCKE: We need to get together this weekend to make plans. JAMES: I'm supposed to be at Lance's house. JESSIE: Tara and I can't. We're going to the prom. LANCE: Legolas ask you out? TARA: No, we're supposed to go with Evan and Pietro. LANCE: (flatly) Pietro's going with Claudia. He's one of my best friends, remember? You're going with the elf, who's kidding who? JAMES: (shakes his head) Probably. JESSIE: You're just jealous. ROMANO: And since Lance doesn't care if Tara goes out with whoever, we'll just skip the jealous crap. LANCE: Right, I'm so jealous.....grrrr. (walks out) PSYLOCKE: Oh yeah, that was convincing. TARA: (looks at Jessie and James) Great. You happy? You made him leave. WARREN: Right, it couldn't possibly have been your fault. JAMES: Does this mean I don't have to stay with him this weekend? JOHN: Do we care? PSYLOCKE: He's mad at us. One of these days he'll stop brooding. ****************************************************************** End of Part One