AUTHOR: I have a headache. (puts on her sunglasses and swallows a couple pills) JESSIE: I guess going to the prom with Pietro won't hep either. Then again, maybe if he sees you with him..... TARA: That won't make a difference. I don't wanna go with him....besides, he wants to go with Claudia anyway. JESSIE: So you're just going to call him and dump him then? KAREN: I can tell him. He was going to dance with Claudia anyway. Kurt asked Kristy to go with him. LIZZIE: Somehow I'm not surprised. CLAIRE: They're just friends though. Kurt has a girlfriend back at school. AUTHOR: Thankyou Claire. Story now. ROMANO: Tara is supposed to call Pietro to go soak his head, then he tells her all about what he has ready for the dance....with the limo and the dinner reservations, and then she feels guilty and can't do it so she tells him her dress is gold. FREDDY: Oh good, now we don't have to hear it. JESSIE: So we're both stuck. (looks at James) Oh stop it. I don't care about him....that much. LANCE: Good, as far as I know, he's dating someone else too. COSMO: We don't care. TARA: I have a gorgeous gold dress that Legolas gave me in Mirkwood. It's Elven. LANCE: Oh shut up. TARA: (sticks her tongue out) Jealous! AUTHOR: Oyyy. PSYLOCKE: What difference does it make where we are? Legolas can get us anywhere. It says so in the script. LEGOLAS: How many times do I have to say I don't eat people! I am not Hannibal Lecter! JULIAN: (shrugs) Don't look at me, I don't eat people either. AUDREY: Well you acted like you did. JOHN: Can we just get on with it? I'm getting bored. ROMANO: I've been bored for an hour now. AUTHOR: (is reading her book) LIZZIE: Okay next scene. Tara is at her house with a lovely metalic gold dress on that she'd bought with Jessie, but Lance had forbid her to wear it to the Junior Prom because it was too sexy. ROMANO: What a putz. LIZZIE: (stares at Romano) ROMANO: What? She wanted to look good and he orders her not to wear it because she looks TOO good?! Who did he think he was, her Daddy?! AUTHOR: Rob's right. I would have worn it anyway out of defiance. NO boyfriend will ever be the boss of me! SVEN: So the Snowcone Guy already found out. AUTHOR: Let's not discuss him now. AUDREY: They're right Jenny. Tom was way out of line with that one. DEE: Oh yeah, what a real jerk thing to do. JULIAN: See? I told you so. JENNY: Shut up. TARA: (comes into the front room in her dress) LEGOLAS: (staring speechless) ROMANO: I like it. (turns to Lizzie) You should get one like that. LIZZIE: (rolls her eyes) She thought she looked like a crown Princess....although she felt more like a virgin sacrifice. TARA: Um, I'm not a virgin....really. FREDDY: We didn't need to know that. ROMANO: It's saying Jenny was. CHRIS: She doesn't need to advertise that. We all can tell. JENNY: Can I kick his ass? SVEN: Assistant. I'd have to shoot you. Besides, his wife would kill you. (gives Chris a brainduster) Pervert. ROMANO: Right, virgin sacrifice. Please continue. DONOVAN: I'm so proud. CROSS: We have a very beautiful daughter. (takes a picture of her with Legolas) LIZZIE: Pietro is supposed to show up now. CROSS: He's already here. TARA: (abscentmindedly) Who is? FREDDY: Chucky. Who do you think!? PIETRO: (wearing a nice suit) I'mhereClaudia'sinthelimo.Comeon. DONOVAN: What?! PIETRO: (stops talking and stares) Wow. TARA: Are those my flowers? PIETRO: Ehhhhyeah. (holds out the pale yellow corsage) TARA: Um, maybe I should put it on. PIETRO: Goodidea. --Tara fastens her corsage and follows Pietro out to the limo. Inside the car are Claudia, Kristy, Kurt 2, and Legolas-- ROMANO: Not to be rude, but Legolas can't be in the car. LEGOLAS: I was leaving. I wanted to say, 'see you later'. (vanishes) KRISTY: That was so cool. JENNY: Not after you've seen it about 200 times. SARAH: Tell me about it. (smirks at Jareth) JARETH: You're just jealous because you can't do it. LIZZIE: Goodie for you. Get to the dance already. TO THE DANCE ALREADY FREDDY: At the dance-- ROMANO: Shut up, we're the narrators, not you. You're just an Assistant Director. LIZZIE: At the dance, they find cute little maskes at every table. PIETRO: Idon'tlikeit. TARA: (puts one on) Kind of cute. ROMANO: Hey cool! Get Freddy one. He needs it. FREDDY: (flips him off) Very funny. (If you remember, this is because we got rid of the burned look, and now he looks like a normal person...as normal as Robert Englund can look, I suppose) LIZZIE: Pietro comments that he'd ordered white roses from the florist, but that it must have been screwed up. PIETRO: Nohedidn't. IorderedwhiteonesforClaudia. Legolasorderedthose. DOT: Well, he's honest anyway. JOHN: Says you. What did he say?! AUTHOR: (shrugs) TODD: (approaches Pietro, Tara and Claudia) So, planning to stay out late? TARA: Weren't you the one who stole the Game? ROMANO: Ahem? TARA: (grins) Vada VIA, cretino. I like that. CLAUDIA: What's it mean? AUTHOR: 'Get lost jerk.' KRISTY: I'm writting that down. PIETRO: SoamI. KURT 2: You know, maybe you should talk slower. CLAUDIA: Why? I can understand him. KRISTY: Kind of cool. Now you can tell everyone in school that you're dating a high-school track star. CLAUDIA: (grins) I'm dating Quicksilver....and he's really cute. JESSIE: Wow, love the dress, Tara. TARA: Thanks. JESSIE: Where's Legolas? TARA: I'm sure he's around here somewhere. Claudia, why don't you and Pietro go dance? I'll wait for him. AUDREY: This is so messed up. JENNY: Good thing Tom's still dead. MURDOC: (frowns) IS he still dead? CARTER: I don't remember bringing him back. JULIAN: What a pity. LIZZIE: Skip to when the man all in black asks her to dance. TARA: Oh there you are. (grins at Legolas) --Legolas is dressed in an all-black tuxedo, with his hair pinned back in and wearing a small black mask on his face-- MICHAEL: Well, he's got the clothes-changing thing down. AUDREY: I wish I could change clothes that fast. MICHAEL: I wish you could change clothes that fast too. JULIAN: Eat your heart out. ROMANO: Without warning, the music changes and the scenery gets a little darker...but only for Tara who isn't supposed to know it's Legolas yet. TARA: How could I miss it? JENNY: Ah, shut up. LIZZIE: They're out on the balcony now and naturally they're in the Shadow World, as nobody is noticing this. ROMANO: She's afraid she's going to have to tell him to get lost again, then she starts feeling dizzy and she cannot resist...(pause) Cas, I need a vomit pill again. AUTHOR: Join the club. (holds out the bottle) LIZZIE: Then she hears that 'famished' thing right in her ear. LEGOLAS: Do I have to? She already knows who I am. ROMANO: Whatever. We just finished another chapter. ALL: (cheering) FREDDY: Chapter nine. JOHN: Now they can stop complaining about Legolas not being in the story yet. JAMES: About time. PSYLOCKE: Defintely. I hate this story. ROMANO: And we hate listening to you people complain about how much you hate this story! ALL: Amen. ONE WEEK LATER---- PSYLOCKE: Note to self. Stop complaining how much we hate the story. ROMANO: Bout time you people got that through your heads. AUTHOR: (enters the set) Ta-daa! (strikes a pose) ROMANO: Hey, you're back! You know while you were gone there was someone else here who said she was you, but I knew it wasn't because the hair was all wrong. (By the way, Cassi got her hair re-dyed at this time) (trails off, looking at Cassi's flat look) Kidding. LIZZIE: Looks white. Did you bleach the stripe? AUTHOR: No, Sven did. FREDDY: Much more normal now. Where were we? COSMO: Chapter nine. Are we missing anyone? JENNY: (enters with Audrey, Michael, Dee, Summer, and Zachary) We're back. SVEN: Who brought Raptor meat back? ZACHARY: Jurassic III's over. Benton did. MICHAEL: Did you dye your hair? AUTHOR: Who? MICHAEL: (looks at them) Both of you. SVEN: (snaps her fingers, causing an anvil to land on Michael) No, this is natural....really. (her hair is now purple) AUDREY: Hey, what was that for? SVEN: Because Cassi said I could drop an anvil on the first person that asked that question. ROMANO: Personally, I don't blame you. It's pretty obvious that is not a color found in nature. COSMO: Not really. I've seen Cassi's in nature before. It was laying on the side of the road. ROMANO: Beside the point. Somebody bring Mr. Cohen back and stick a yellow sign to his chest. LIZZIE: Right then, back to the story. Tara and Legolas were at the dance, on the balcony, halfway in the ShadowWorld. MARBLEBRAINS: Speaking of that, doesn't Fathead need to come back for Two Towers? AUTHOR: Not for a while. Shut up so we can start Chapter nine....in the book, not the spoof. CHAPTER NINE....IN THE BOOK, NOT THE SPOOF ROMANO: Tara is with Legolas and she has just figured out who he is. TARA: But I already-- ALL: We don't care. ROMANO: (reading) Everything went gray. LEGOLAS: We're in the shadows, it's black and I'm not wearing gray. ROMANO: The book sayd every thing went gray. KOVAC: Okay. (turns everything gray) COSMO: HEY!! The spoof not us! AUTHOR: If you don't put my clothes back to normal, I'm shooting you. ROMANO: And after she shoots you, I'm blowing you up. LIZZIE: And then I'll torch your remains to ashes. KOVAC: (changes everything back) Sorry. SVEN: Thankyou. I have a headache. KOVAC: Sorry again. LEGOLAS: These people have got to stop taking things to literally. AUTHOR: Exactly. No more literally doing things. (anyone buying this?) LIZZIE: Blood roared in Tara's ears. SPIKE: (holds a bag of blood to Tara's ear) BLOOD: (roars loudly) LEGOLAS: So much for not taking things literally. AUTHOR: What? You actually thought I was serious?! Please! Taking things literally is one of the things our readers just love to see. It makes things funnier. Ask anyone. ROMANO: Then she freaks out and practically faints into his arms.....oh yeah. That'll let him know how much she hates him. JENNY: Very funny. I didn't faint. JULIAN: Close enough. LIZZIE: She remembers all the bad things and is having a panic attack, because she believes this is the end. He will kill her now. ROMANO: If he does, is the spoof over? AUTHOR: You know better than that, Rob. LIZZIE: (grins) Wishful thinking. FREDDY: For all of us. LEGOLAS: For the three-billionth time! I am NOT going to kill Tara! TARA: He wouldn't do that. ROMANO: Whatever. She is filled with terror and it gives her the energy to break away from him. (pause) Would you people quit kissing and follow the script!? LIZZIE: And after she......AHEM!!! TARA & LEGOLAS: (separate and step apart) TARA: (puts on a terrified look) LIZZIE: As I was saying. After she pulls away from him, she looks over, thinking about how good looking he is. JENNY: I did not!! AUDREY: Not that it would surprise us by now. SVEN: Oh trust me. She did. It's in the book where she's checking him out. DEE: Traitor. JULIAN: (grins) It's okay. I still love you. PIPPIN: (gags loudly) FREDDY: Back to the story. ROMANO: After she checks him out, she thinks about how dangerous he is. SVEN: Does anyone but me think Jenny needs therapy? LANGLY: Lots of therapy. JULIAN: Lecter's busy with Bill right now. She'll have to wait her turn. JENNY: (glares) I am not going to see Lecter! ROMANO: For your sake, I hope he doesn't take that personally. LEGOLAS: Can I go on with being intimidating? TARA: I don't think you're intimidating. SUMMER: Something tells me this wasn't right. JENNY: You think? JULIAN: This is so unfair. ROMANO: We don't care what you people think. Legolas, read your script. LEGOLAS: You know, yellow roses mean infidelity. LIZZIE: I thought they meant friendship. ROMANO: (shrugs) Then she thinks about how wonderful his voice sounds and realizes the roses are from him, so she's mad at him. COSMO: Boy, she is messed up. He sends her flowers and she gets mad at him. JULIAN: (shrugs) Women. GREENE: Roses are red, violets are blue. Sugar is sweet, and so are you. ALL: (gagging) ROMANO: But the roses are wilted, the violets are dead, the sugarbowl's empty, and so is your head. CHRIS: I like the second one better. SVEN: Me too. AUTHOR: Oh yeah. Anyways, back to the script. LIZZIE: Where were we again? COSMO: Roses. FREDDY: She's mad because he gave her flowers. ROMANO: Ungrateful. JULIAN: Yeah, I thought so too. JENNY: Ah, shut up. TARA: I knew he sent them. Pietro told me he did. ROMANO: Right, skip it then. Where next? TARA: (reads her script) I know he doesn't wanna kill me either. LEGOLAS: I wouldn't do that. LIZZIE: Oh for heaven's sake, just kiss her already! LEGOLAS: Okay. (kisses Tara) ROMANO: Then she thinks how great it is to kiss him, then she freaks out, but continues to kiss him for about a half a page before she breaks away in shock. TARA: (staring at him) Wow. FREDDY: Can you get over the mushy part already, and read the script?! ROMANO: The script IS mushy. Haven't you read it? FREDDY: Why would I read it? You and Elizabeth are the narrators, not me. WARREN: Oh lovely. The Assistant Directors don't even know what's going on! COSMO: Sure we know what's going on. We're making your lives miserable. Get back to work. LEGOLAS: See how it is with us? You can't fight it anymore than I can. You can't kill my love for you! FREDDY: Ugh, you're right. I liked the ad-libbing better. TARA: (stares at him lovingly--Author pauses typing to swallow a couple vomit pills) ROMANO: Hey break it up! You're supposed to be terrified! ZACH: Traitor. JENNY: You can go back to being dead, you know. CHRIS: My, such hostility. JENNY: Shut up. JULIAN: You shut up! He can shoot you, you know. LEGOLAS: May I continue? JULIAN: Are we stopping you? TARA: Yeah, you're distracting. JENNY: So stop looking at us and get back to work! LEGOLAS: (grins) We were meant to be together. Give in, Tara. Let me love you. TARA: Okay. (pauses, looking at Romano and Corday) I mean NO! ROMANO: (puts his gun away) That's better. LEGOLAS: So you're going to fight to the end, aren't you? You're exciting when you're angry. I'm starved for the sight of you. In fact, you might say I'm famished. TARA: (steps back) Don't. LEGOLAS: I have to. It's in the script. ROMANO: Ahem? LEGOLAS: I like the dress. It makes you look wild and beautiful. TARA: I know. You gave it to me. AUTHOR: Script! LIZZIE: She thinks about how she feels wild and beautiful and that no one had been this wild and beautiful since the beginning of time. COSMO: Definitely wasn't modest, though, was she? SVEN: Apparently not. AUTHOR: (gags) Get on with it. LEGOLAS: (puts the gold ring back on her finger) "This ring, the symbol of my oath, will hold me to the words I speak. All I refuse and thee I choose." TARA: I wondered what happened to this. RING: I missed you too, honey. TARA: I didn't miss that. RING: I'm offended by that. LEGOLAS: Don't you remember? I told you the promise was irrevokable. You are sworn mine, Tara. Now and forever. ROMANO: If darkness had taken a face and a voice, and the powers of the night had gathered themselves together into a human being, they would have made something like Julian. LIZZIE: Legolas. ROMANO: (looks at Legolas) Not a chance. Definitely Julian. I just can't see Legolas as the whole Prince of Darkness kind of guy. LIZZIE: Good point. Anyway, she's thinking of the whole Bride of the Devil thing again. FREDDY: Broken record. AUTHOR: Yep. ROMANO: Her knees are weak. . . . like that last big earthquake in LA. SPIKE: The one that made Sunnydale a big hole in the ground? BUFFY: No, that was your clone. SPIKE: Right, my mistake. Carry on. LEGOLAS: I've only come to claim what's mine. You cast your own fate, Tara. You've doomed yourself. XANDER: By living in Sunnydale. LEGOLAS: No, by playing the Game and saying she'd be mine. TARA: That's not doomed. ROMANO: Script. She's mad because she did something stupid and now she has to pay the price. TARA: But it wasn't fair! LEGOLAS: Where does it say things have to be fair? Where is that written? Life is unfair. ROMANO: Anyone who says differently has never been alive. LIZZIE: How true. Tara gets upset because she knows he's right and doesn't want to admit it because he'll gloat about it. ROMANO: Well yeah, what's the fun of being right if you can't gloat about it? LIZZIE: Sounds like you. ROMANO: Oh you do it too, and you know it. LIZZIE: No comment. AUTHOR: (makes a face) Bad day. Must have more drugs. ROMANO: Vicodin? AUTHOR: Have Lortab. Thanks, though. Continue the story. LIZZIE: Lots of crap about runes. . . .do you want to skip it? ROMANO: Perthro, rune of gambling. Yeah, we can skip it. We have enough gamblers on set. LANDO: Was that a crack? SPIKE: Sounded like one. ARDETH: We can take offense to that. STEVE: By the way, who owns Cloud City now anyway? JULIAN: Not me. Harpo has it now. But I think he was cheating in that game. LANDO: Harpo didn't want it. He gave it back to me. (grins) And nobody is getting it again! ARDETH: (shrugs) Oh well, it was trashed anyways. RYAN: Very. SVEN: Great, the Cloud City Saga has finally ended. Back to the story. PIPPIN: Darn. I wanted to get it. KOVAC: Oh that's all they need. Jumanji takes Cloud City. LANDO: No way. HAN: May God have mercy on their souls. LUKE: If they survived the Warners, they'll be fine. CHRIS: Don't be too sure. DOR: Just let Ivy bring her friend by. LANDO: Not a chance in hell. FREDDY: I can always go instead. LANDO: No, really. We're screwed up enough already. YAKKO: Yeah, we had loads of fun there. ROMANO: I bet. Back to the script now. Cassi has a short attention span. You don't want her to leave, do you? JESSIE: Probably better not. Tara, get back to acting. TARA: I thought I was acting! JULIAN: Oh, is that what you call that? TARA: Can I shoot him? ROMANO: You really think that would kill him?! TARA: Hey, I'm the one who brought him back to start with! Don't tempt me! JENNY: Oh so this is your fault? Good to know. AUDREY: Oh shut up. Dee said you kissed him in Jurassic. JENNY: Beside the point. You shut up. JULIAN: I saved her life. RYAN: And put Bill in therapy, too, you big meanie. What did he ever do to you? JENNY: I don't suppose trying to eat us counts, does it? MURDOC: No. He was just acting. You were being mean. JULIAN: He was mean to me first. FREDDY: Can we get back to this spoof? That was then, this is now. Get back to now. JULIAN: What happened to then? ROMANO: We passed it. And if you don't get back to now now, I'm shooting you back to then with a rocket launcher! LEGOLAS: Yeah, then you'll have to go through all this again. JENNY: Better be quiet. Once is enough. Nobody wants to do this all over again. COSMO: What are we talking about? AUTHOR: The difference between now and then. SVEN: Ehhh yeah. (goes back to her book) Weirdos. ROMANO: Says the one reading the book on Jack the Ripper. PIPPIN: Who's Jack the Ripper? MERRY: (shrugs) A weirdo? SPARROW: Nevah 'eard of 'im. LUCY: You don't want to. LIZZIE: Can we forget about Jack the Ripper and get on with this stupid story!? JENNY: Hey who are you calling Stupid?! CARTER: Listen Psycho Lady. You may wanna think before you talk back to Ms. Firestarter over there. SVEN: (quietly) I know a few med Students who would agree with that. AUTHOR: That's later. We're at now, now. (This was before Temper Tantrum) SVEN: When will now be later? COSMO: If and when we get back to the script. AUTHOR: Where were we? ROMANO: I forget. LIZZIE: Don't ask me. FREDDY: I know you're not asking me! I haven't even read the book! PSYLOCKE: We're screwed. WARREN: Cards anyone? LEGOLAS: Perthro. Rune of gambling. WARREN: Tomato, tomahto. TARA: No, that's where we were. WARREN: Tomato? JOHN: Oyyy, Houston, we have a problem. PIPPIN: Who's Houston? ROMANO: Script! They're at the dance, and Legolas is supposed to be threatening her! LEGOLAS: I would never! LANCE: This may take a while. LEGOLAS: (sighs) Are you going to keep your promise? TARA: I'd say yes, but somehow I think I'll get shot if I do. ROMANO: Good assumption. CHRIS: And there's plenty of people willing to shoot you. LEGOLAS: You know I could just make you come with me. TARA: True, but you have to follow the sctipr too. ROMANO: He decides to once again give her a chance to get away. JULIAN: No offense, but I wanted her willing. If they're not willing, there really isn't much fun in it. JARETH: How true. LEGOLAS: What do you say we play another Game? TARA: I don't know if I like your games much. LEGOLAs: I could just force you to come with me, but instead, I'll give you another chance to get away out of the evilness of my heart. If you win, you're free of the promise. If I win, you come back next spoof to play another game to see if you can get away again. TARA: I'm beginning to see a pattern emerging here. AUTHOR: Ladies and gentlemen, we're on page 108 and we've finally established a PLOT! ALL: (loud cheering) RACHEL: How come the plot didn't start sooner? ROMANO: Don't ask. We're on page 112 on the book. LEGOLAS: So, do you wanna play or do we just settle this here and now? JAMES: If they resolve it, is the story over? LIZZIE: You wish. Get to work. TARA: Fine, I'll play. LEGOLAS: (grins) No holds barred then. . . .for any of the players. TARA: Wait a minute, I (pause) But I knew we all had to play, and so do they. We all read the books. ROMANO: Skip it. LEGOLAS: You and your friends against me, Arbok and Bites. I'm going to catch all your friends, (pause) starting with Little Red Riding Hood. TARA: (rolls her eyes) I don't have any friends by that name. LEGOLAS: Jessie, and the Game starts right now. Ready or not, here I come. Find my base and you can stop me from taking them to the ShadowWorld. TARA: What does she mean, "Taking who?" We've already established that he's taking my friends. JAMESON: She didn't quite catch it the first few times. JENNY: You're not funny. SVEN: Yes he is. LEGOLAS: Find your friends after I take them and before I take you or I keep you all. LIZZIE: She thinks about how she doesn't know what game they're playing, but before she can ask, he kisses her and she likes it and forgets to ask about the Game. ZACH: Good job, Jenny. Fratranizing with the enemy. LEGOLAS: (pulls back) The new Game is Lambs and Monsters. (vanishes) TARA: (frowns) The Game the X-Babies were supposed to be playing while they were fighting. ROMANO: And she realizes she's back on the balcony at the dance, and she misses him already. PIPPIN: First she hates him, then she misses him. Why can't she make up her mind? SPIKE: She's a woman. Most of them are like that. ROMANO: So true. LIZZIE: There are a whole lot of men the same way. AUTHOR: Present company included. (pause) Except Rob, who's known what he wanted for about six years now. COSMO: Can we get back to the spoof now? I'm getting bored. AUTHOR: Wanna take a break? I need a nap. ROMANO: I noticed. Love the black circles. What time did you go to sleep this morning? AUTHOR: I didn't. LIZZIE: I know how you feel. LEGOLAS: No! We can't stop! We just got to the plot! ROMANO: Maybe if you stop whining, we'll get back to the spoof sooner this time. AUTHOR: Cassi want to sleep. (pause) And my legs hurt. SVEN: Yes sleep good. Have headache. Suggest group nap. ROMANO: Sounds good. I had two and a half hours myself last night. LIZZIE: Busy night? ROMANO: Insomnia. Common after traumatic incidents. LIZZIE: (stares at him) How long have you had this? ROMANO: (pointedly) Take a guess. FREDDY: I can set you up with Hypnocil. ROMANO: Depends on what you want in return. FREDDY: My magic talent. AUTHOR: Done. You have all the abilities you had in the Dream World, including the ability to shift from burned to normal and back again. FREDDY: Cool. (hands Romano a bottle) There's much more where that came from. Take a nap. ROMANO: Much appreciated. (pockets the bottle) AUTHOR: Kay peoples! Naptime!!!! (leaves, followed by Sven) ROMANO: (heads for the door) LIZZIE: (runs after him) I need to speak with you a minute, Robert! ROMANO: (holds the door open for her and both exit) FREDDY: (grins) I'm BAAAAAACK! (vanishes, headed for Dreamland) CHAPTER FIVE OR SIX "LAMBS, MONSTERS & ALIEN ABDUCTIONS" **************************************************************** AUTHOR: Where were we? LEGOLAS: We just established a plot. New Game. I'm supposed to go after Jessie now. CLAUDIA: Wow, this has been some long dance, hasn't it? KRISTY: Oh like you're complaining? You got to kiss Pietro! CLAUDIA: I wasn't complaining. He's really cute. PIPPIN: At least you understand his language. CLAUDIA: You just have to listen really good. COSMO: Right, anyhow, time to start back up on the story. ROMANO: The beginning of the real plot of this stupid story. THE BEGINNING OF THE PLOT OF THIS STUPID STORY LIZZIE: Tara looks over the balcony and sees Evan and Jessie walking hand in hand on the beach. Then she remembers that Legolas was planning to go after Jessie. TARA: (yelling) JESSIE!!!! ROMANO: But Jessie can't hear over the roaring of the ocean. OCEAN: (roars loudly, causing Jessie and Evan to stare at it, and step away) EVAN: Freaky. JESSIE: Oh yeah. LIZZIE: They are headed away from the lights, into the shadows. FREDDY: Now we go to Jessie's point of view. ROMANO: Jessie thinks about how she doesn't really like Evan, whom she's currently kissing, but something about dances make her act this way. She liked it better than shopping. JESSIE: Actually, I DO kinda like him. ROMANO: No you don't. The script says so. LIZZIE: She thinks he is a pretty good kisser, but not as good as James, who is a world class kisser, even though he doesn't look it. JAMES: I am? JESSIE: I've never kissed James. I wouldn't know. MICHAEL: You thought that? AUDREY: Yeah, I DO love you, you know. CHRIS: Ugh, gag. ROMANO: And now she feels guilty for not going with James, but then she remembers she is doing it for Tara, who is fixated on Legolas, even though she isn't supposed to be. JESSIE: Oops, right. Tara IS here somewhere. We better go back inside. (turns back) EVAN: (moves to follow her) JESSIE: (turns sharply when she sees something move) Evan, are you coming? EVAN: (watching the shape) Yeah, I'm coming. What was that? ROMANO: You're supposed to be sulking and make her walk back alone. EVAN: No way! I don't work like that! Besides, I saw that too! No way she's walking back by herself. LIZZIE: (shrugs) Suddenly she feels very small in front of the ocean, and notices how dark it's getting. EVAN: This doesn't look too good. JESSIE: You think? BITES: (leaps out of the shadows) *I have got you!!* JESSIE: (shrieks and leaps back) EVAN: (backs away, placing himself between Jessie and Bites) AUDREY: Better than that dork, Eric. ROMANO: Then she is shocked when she discovers it is in fact, a wolf. JESSIE: I knew it was Bites. Arbok would have been a lot nicer about it. ROMANO: Ah shut up and run. MERRY: If you run, it will chase you. PIPPIN: If she doesn't run, he'll catch her anyway. NEWMAN: It's a no-win situation. LIZZIE: The script says Jessie runs. EVAN: Okay. (starts running, pulling Jessie with him) LIZZIE: Suddenly, a black hole opens in front of them. EVAN: (loses his balance and falls in, but pushes Jessie back) BURT: Graboid? JULIAN: Nah, ShadowWorld. Far more dangerous. BURT: You've never been eaten by a graboid then, I see. EARL: Like YOU have? SVEN: He has. He gave poor Petey indigestion. (Tremors 3--yes he was eaten) EARL: (starts laughing) I'm telling Grady! BURT: (glares) AUTHOR: Back to the story. COSMO: Yeah, we're about to finish another chapter. JESSIE: What about Evan? JULIAN: He's stuck! Keep running. SVEN: More extras. ROMANO: He's not an extra. He's in the cast. His part just changed a bit. Run. JESSIE: (takes off with Bites on her tail) LIZZIE: Bites chases Jessie, herding her away from any escape route. JESSIE: Oh this sucks. These are new shoes. BITES: *This is really fun!* (howls) JESSIE: (stumbles) HOLD IT!!!! BITES: (stops and stares) JESSIE: (takes off her shoe to examine it) Oh good, it's okay. (puts it back on) Okay, let's go. (takes off again) BITES: (shrugs, giving her a head start, and runs after her) ROMANO: Hey! Where in the script does it say that Audrey stops the chase to make sure her shoe is okay? AUDREY: I didn't do that. MICHAEL: But you would have, and you know it. AUDREY: Probably. AUTHOR: Which is why Jessie has this part. JESSIE: (skids to a stop as another hole opens up in front of her) ROMANO: She cannot stop herself this time. This could be the end! LIZZIE: (snickers) Great dramatizing, Robert. ROMANO: (grins) I know. AUTHOR: Chapter ten! ALL: (wild cheering) LANCE: (jumps on Jessie, knocking her to the side, clear of the hole) LEGOLAS: Where did Lance come from? LANCE: Excuse me! I AM one of the stars in this! ROMANO: (aghast) Tom was a STAR!? COSMO: Yeah. He completes the soap opera Love Triangle. CHRIS: JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!!! MUNGO: Wha? AUTHOR: Never mind. This is the SpoofSet, not the Jerry Springer Show. SVEN: Yeah, Jerry Springer is way too normal for us. FREDDY: I believe. TARA: (finally reaches the beach) Did I make it? Are we still filming or wasting time again? JESSIE: Lance threw me on the ground and I think he ruined my dress. (glares) And Legolas got Evan. TARA: (frowns) But-- LEGOLAS: It was an accident. He fell in the hole. TARA: Oh okay. ROMANO: Can we cut the piddling and get back to the story? --Break was taken and "Spoofed Towers" has begun, bringing new LOtR characters to the set and very soon the "Hornblower" characters will also join us as Archie Kennedy is going to become an Assistant--- 1 AND A HALF MONTHS LATER AUTHOR: And we're back. FARAMIR: What one is this again? ROMANO: Forbidden Two. You saw the first one. BOROMIR: The one with the horses and monkeys. LUCY: No, the monkeys were from Jumanji. That was Pippin's fault. FARAMIR: (frowns) Wait, isn't that the game Pippin was asking us to play? BOROMIR: Jew-Man-Jai? Yeah, I think so. Is it dangerous? ARAGORN, SAM & MERRY: YES!!! PIPPIN, MOHAWK, STRIPE & SVEN: No. ROMANO: Depends on where you play it. FARAMIR: What do you mean? ROMANO: Anywhere away from me, County General, or where we're filming is fince with me. BOROMIR: Something tells me it's dangerous. PIPPIN: No it isn't! It's fun! You fight animals, plants, people, big spiders.... FARAMIR: So it's like Middle Earth in a game then? JULIAN: (shrugs) Depends on how you look at it. MOHAWK: I wanna let the spiders out. BOROMIR: (considering it) Actually, it sounds like fun. FARAMIR: (nods) I'll play! THEODIN: I'll play too. It can't be any worse than the battles of Helm's Deep and Gondor. SVEN: Yeah, but you DIED in the Battle of Gondor. THEODIN: Exactly my point. NORRINGTON: When is that again? I happen to be playing Theodin. CHRIS: Not until the third one. You're a big hero for the second one. NORRINGTON: Oh...okay. WILL: (rolls his eyes) NORRINGTON: Oh shut up. You're the one married to your sister. WILL: She wasn't my sister until that spoof started. SPIKE: More complicated families to come, I'm sure. JOHN: Count on it. Can we get back to the story? ALL: What story? FREDDY: This may take a while. LIZZIE: Where were we again? JESSIE: We lost Evan and Lance knocked me away from the black hole, and Tara was making out with Legolas on the balcony. GIMLI: Since when? COSMO: Weren't you dead? ARAGORN: Medical brought him back for Two Towers. LOGAN: Darn. SVEN: Leave him alone. He can be the best man in Leggo's wedding. GIMLI: He's getting married?! TARA: Not that I know of. AUTHOR: Says you. You guys can't leave each other alone. We're not stupid, you know. LEGOLAS: (grins) ROMANO: Right, we need to go back to the spoof now so we can get the plot going. COSMO: Right. Back to the spoof. BACK TO THE SPOOF TARA: (to Lance) What are you doing here? LANCE: While you were flirting, I was saving Jessie's life. It's in the script. JESSIE: You ruined my dress and you didn't save Evan. LANCE: (rolls his eyes) Like I care about Evan. Besides, I kept YOU from falling in the hole, didn't I? ROMANO: Being smart this time, they decide not to tell the police about Evan. DONOVAN: Good move. TARA: We don't have the time, anyway. We have to get everyone together. LANCE: Oh joy. What have you done now? JAMES: Doomed us to our fates, no doubt. WARREN: Probably. TARA: And tell Pietro and Claudia we had to leave. I doubt he'll care about Evan. LANCE: Probably not. LIZZIE: Okay, skip the rest of that bit. They have to go meet a James' house. JOHN: Where's James' house? AUTHOR: We can use Jenny's Grandpa's house for now. We'll need it for the next one anyway. JAMES: There's a bunch of burned runes crossed out on the basement door. JENNY: Try to ignore that.....and leave it alone. JAMES: Had no intention of touching it. ROMANO: The group gathers at James' house. AT "JAMES'" HOUSE LIZZIE: And it's about 1:30 in the morning. SVEN: Actually, it's around noon-thirty. ROMANO: Details details. JAMES: It says we need caffeine. FREDDY: So why were they drinking Diet Coke? CHRIS: Ew..... AUTHOR: (makes face) Diet drinks are icky. FIVE MONTHS LATER---YET ANOTHER LONG BREAK --Zorro and Titanic have started. Youth Elixir 3 has ended as well as Temper Tantrum (which will not be completed--sorry--my motivation for that one left long ago) Anyhow, we have the Titanic characters in now and the Kansas City Tornado Chasers; Steve "Whiplash", Teri "West Wind" [Romano's sister], & Cyndi "Wild Child" (seeing Moody) Also-- the Hornblower crew is now on the set, and we're switching houses again. The next section contains several more breaks, and I'm about ready to empty this first notebook. The second notebook starts after a long break, followed by another long break. So bear with me here. We're getting to the part where I took a long time off of writing. Anyhow, on with the story. BEFORE THE SPOOF CONTINUES --The Hornblower crew walks in with several Titanic Officers-- ARCHIE: (looks around) This isn't Middle Earth. WILDE: How do you figure? ANDREWS: This isn't Los Angeles, the North Atlantic, or Xanth either. Did they start ANOTHER one?! LEGOLAS: No. This spoof started last season. This is Forbidden Two. I'm the star. I play Julian. HORATIO: Oh so now we see where he came from. TARA: We told you, he's a Shadowman. AUTHOR: Can everyone get to their places? I'd like to get started soon. I'd kind of like to get this over before it passes the two-year mark. (hands Lights the script) [obviously it didn't. as we're now passed the 3 year mark and I'm still going--however (grin) we're over three quarters through the book now and we're gonna finish it soon!] ARCHIE: Can I borrow one? AUTHOR: (hands him the Collector's Edition of the series) Treat it nice or I break your neck. ARCHIE: Got it. ROMANO: That's all three books in one. We're in the middle of the second one. If you wanna see the first one, wait till the next break. HALDIR: Are Lights and I directing today? AUTHOR: Romano and Lizzie are narrating, Freddy, Hal, Cosmo and Lights are directing. Prince John is studying sword play and the Zorro script. LANCE: Are we going to go more than a page and a half before we stop this time? SVEN: Depends on you people who can't stop wasting time. JESSIE: Hey, we're not the ones who take five month breaks! Hello. AUTHOR: Actually, we were working on the other spoofs, so it's not as if we were piddling around. Besides, we DO have stuff to do in the real world, you know. SPIKE: You know, if you weren't doing four spoofs at the same time, you wouldn't have this problem. ARCHIE: There's a fourth one Cassi's doing? ROMANO: Spoofed Towers, Titanic, Zorro and this one. FREDDY: So where were we in this one? JAMES: My place. We've just established a plot and were about to discuss the new Game. LIZZIE: Right. What he said. ROMANO: Places everyone. We're back at James' house. THE SPOOF CONTINUES...AGAIN///BACK AT "JAMES'" HOUSE WARREN: This isn't the place we were using. SPIDEY: It's my apartment. Stay out of the fridge and leave Kevin alone. JESSIE: Rest assured, none of us wants anything to do with your moldy cheese. FARAMIR: (before Archie and Horatio can open their mouths) You don't wanna know. JAMES: (passes out cans of Pepsi) I have cream cheese and crackers, and some Cracker Jacks. Now tell me what's going on. I'm supposed to have been sleeping. JESSIE: Legolas got Evan and he nearly got me. I think it was Bites. LANCE: It was Bites. Trust me. ROMANO: Then it goes into a detailed description of everyone's night clothes and how they don't match up with Jessie and Tara's beautiful dresses. PSYLOCKE: Forgive me. I didn't know this was a formal meeting. Love the dress, Tara, by the way. TARA: (blushes) Legolas. LANCE: (rolls his eyes) Can we talk about the situation now? JESSIE: Legolas IS the situation. JAMES: Someone's supposed to explain the new Game now. LANCE: Shut up and read the script. JAMES: I am. That was in my lines. (sticks out his tongue) LIZZIE: Jessie explains what happened to Evan on the beach. Since we were all watching, we don't need to go through it again, so skip that. JAMES: So how come Bites didn't kill you? BITES: *It was not in my script.* TARA: (ignores him) Because it's a new Game. PSYLOCKE: You've been talking to Legolas again, I see. JESSIE: So tell us what he said. ROMANO: So Tara tells the whole story, carefully leaving out the page and a half of kissing. SVEN: Ugh, thanks for sparing us. JAMES: Oh yeah. (gags) LANCE: So are we actually going to start playing the new game now? JESSIE: Where have you been? They already got Evan! We ARE playing! LANCE: Speak for yourself. Evan wasn't even supposed to BE there! LEGOLAS: It was an accident. He fell in because he chose to ignore the script. It's his own fault. PSYLOCKE: (sighs) Shadowelf logic. JULIAN: Actually, he has a point. LIGHTS: Nobody cares. Get on with it. ROMANO: Do you even know where we are? LIGHTS: I skimmed through the book enough to know what's going on. ROMANO: (shrugs) Well, you're one up on Freddy. He didn't even do that. LIZZIE: Right then. We all know about the Game, and those who don't, no one cares. You'll figure it out as we go. TARA: We're playing Lambs and Monsters. JAMES: Huh? TARA: He monster, we lambs. He kidnap us, we find his base before he gets us all. WARREN: Right. Got it. Baaaaahhh. STYLES: Wha? HORATIO: (shrugs) LANCE: He brings us to his base until one of us sets the others free or we all get caught. JESSIE: Then he eats us. LEGOLAS: (starts repeatedly banging his head into the wall) TARA: He is NOT Freddy Krueger or Hannibal Lecter! He will NOT eat us! Now shut up about it already! LEGOLAS: Thank you. ROMANO: Then Tara mentions giving up and they all give her a brainduster. TARA: I can't give up, and I already knew that. The Author and Assistants wont let me. JESSIE: Besides, it's not good to give in to any man. They're not the boss of us. AUDREY: Amen. LANCE: Well, the sooner we start fighting him, the sooner this whole mess is over. Let's get going already. LIZZIE: They all grumble about Tara commiting them to playing another Game and Tara argues that she didn't know he wanted all her friends playing again. FREDDY: No offense, but I would have thought it was a no-brainer. Why would he play the Game with just her. She wouldn't have much to lose. JULIAN: Well I thought it was obvious. JENNY: Shut up, cretin. ROMANO: Ah, true love. JAMES: So what do we need to do to win? WARREN: Don't get caught? CHRIS: Duuuhhhh..... JAMES: (rolls his eyes) I mean, how do we not get caught? We can't stay here forever. SPIDEY: I'd rather you didn't. The place is barely big enough for Kevin and I. PSYLOCKE: Kevin lives in the fridge. Shut up about ....It. MOODY: (singing) Livin' in the Fridge! WHIPLASH: (also singing) You can't stop the mold from growing! MARGO: Ewww. BYRON: Can we have a tape of that song? WHIPLASH: Weird Al's "Alapalooza." JORDAN: How do you spell that? TERI: (tosses him the tape) ROMANO: Right, after that interesting interruption....that described the contents of the lounge fridge....on with the spoof. SPIDEY: (opens his mouth to comment) ROMANO: And if you interrupt again, we'll have you locked up with nothing to eat but Lando's stew, and the ship's biscuits from the Indy. Anymore comments? --crickets chirp-- SVEN: Someone lock up the crickets. --crickets abruptly stop-- --The rest of the set, whether being familiar with Lando's cooking or ships biscuits, or both are turning mildly green and are afraid to even open their mouths-- LIZZIE: Right then, back to the story. They're talking about different types of Games. PSYLOCKE: The first Game was like a race. What that has to do with this, is beyond me. JAMES: Right, then there's hunting Games, which is what the next one is, and that STILL has nothing to do with this one. TARA: This Game's like tag. It's a hunting and chasing Game....hence the reason it's called "The Chase." LANGLY: (rolls eyes) Insert "duh" here. LANCE: He plans to hunt us down and capture us as trophies. WARREN: Right, so instead of eating us, he's having us mounted and stuffed. LEGOLAS: (makes a face) Ugh, that's worse than the thought of eating them! SARA: Nasty. CHRIS: Depends on your definition of mounting. MURDOC: (cocks gun) Don't make me hurt you. CHRIS: Right, perverted cracks equals bad. Quiet now. LECTER: (makes face) Who'd want to look at them mouted and stuffed?! Nasty. MOODY: And coming from him, that means something. PSYLOCKE: Give it a rest. Nobody's getting mounted and stuffed! He's going to capture us one by one until the others find his base. JAMES: So how do we find his base? LEGOLAS: That would be telling. LANCE: Maybe there's another way. JESSIE: I don't suppose he told you about the base, Tara? LANCE: Don't be silly. She was too busy kissing him for a page and a half. (glares) Traitor. TARA: He told me we had to find him before he took everyone to the ShadowWorld...I think. LANCE: I rest my case. JESSIE: (gives him a brainduster) Shut up, jerk. PSYLOCKE: So if he said that, it means that his base is NOT in the ShadowWorld! LEGOLAS: And a kewpie doll for the ninja! (hands her one) DEE: No Summer, that did not happen for real. SUMMER: (who'd been staring) Oh....okay. Go on then. JESSIE: It's not in the Shadow World, but we get there through those hole thingies? Pass. LEGOLAS: Oh come on! They're harmless! Cartoons have been using them for ages! (holds up an "Acme Portable Hole") JULIAN: Oyyyyy. YAKKO: (grins) Lots more where those came from. JAMES: I think the holes are kind of cool. JESSIE: That's because your brain fell in long ago. ROMANO: James tells a story about a kid who walked out to a spring, for water and disappeared. The tracks had stopped and no one ever saw him again. JAMES: It's a story, not real life. AUTHOR: No, that one's real...at least it was taken off a real one. I read it. HORATIO: You're not serious. SVEN: "Haunted Heartland". There's a story like that in there, and they're all true stories. A/N[This story is also in "Victorian Ghost Stories" and a few others....and yes, I've read them all-- It was an Unsolved Mystery.--Cassi]-- MULDER: That was an abduction. They heard his voice echoing from the sky for days. JORDAN: Ooooh, he was kidnapped by martians! FIDDLES: MARTIAN PIGS!!!! IT'S THE MARTIAN PIGS!!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!! WOLVIE: AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! X-BABIES: (run away, screaming) ARCHIE: Well, at least it's not Frog People. FIDDLES: AAAAHHHH!!!!! ATTACK OF THE FROG PEOPLE!!!!!! (runs off screaming) SARA: (shrieks) NOOO, NOT THE SLIMEYS!!!!!! THEY'RE COMING AFTER ME!!!! 9runs after Fiddles) NICK: (gives Archie a brainduster) Nice going, man! Did you have to get her started?! She was doing so GOOD in therapy! (runs after his wife) ARCHIE: As I recall, I said it WASN'T Frog People. HORATIO: I'd have thought she'd be relieved. LECTER: Just don't mention the word around her. If you weren't my son, I'd cook you and eat you. ARDETH: He means that, too. He eats people all the time. CARTER: He once made someone eat his own brain. LOWE: (covers mouth) Can we possibly NOT talk about Dr. Lecter's cooking habits? WILDE: Isn't he the one that made that-- SIOBHAN: Yes, and shut up about it. [Titanic Youth Elixir Story--Lecter's cooking in First Class] ARCHIE & HORATIO: (look completely grossed out) CASEY: Like I said when we picked you up. (Spoofed Towers) He is your father. [also Spoofed Towers--Archie is Faramir and Lecter is his father] ARCHIE: (screaming) NOOOOOO!!!!! IT'S NOT TRUE!!!!! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!!!! (pauses changing his face back to a total calm) Sorry, couldn't help it. CARTER: (impressed) Oh you definitely should have been an actor! ARCHIE: (grins) I know. That would have been my original choice of occupation, but my real father had to kill the party. CARTER: Bummer. ROMANO: Jerk. STEVE: Wondered why he was that willing to sell himself so cheap. JESSIE: Not to interrupt or anything, but are we going to continue or break for lunch? PIPPIN: I vote for lunch....and dinner. MERRY: We already knew your vote, Pip. AUTHOR: We really need to get more of this done. We've been doing it for almost two years and we're barely past halfway. PELLEW: It's taken two years to get to HALF!? JULIAN: Actually, we're at two-thirds and we're still a few months from the two year mark. ARCHIE: So how long until I come into the Lord of the Rings story? LEGOLAS: At the rate we're going? NORRINGTON: You'll make Leftennant first. [guilty look--um, he DOES make Leftennant before his first scene....LONG before it] You don't come in untill about half way. FARAMIR: Gives you time to practice your archery. MATTHEWS: Is he any good? BOROMIR & HALDIR: (laughing) STYLES: Somethin' tells me tha's a no. BUFFY: He wasn't that bad. He hit Spike in the shoulder. HORATIO: Well, wasn't that good? HALDIR: (laughing harder) LEGOLAS: Spike was standing BEHIND him, and he was aiming for the target on De Soto's chest, 20 feet in front of him. ARCHIE: (glares as the crew starts laughing) SPIKE: Personally, I think Scott had something to do with that particular shot. [use the Farce] SCOTT: (whistles innocently) Nah, he's just a bad shot. ARCHIE: I have a lightsaber, you know. CREW: (shuts up) ARCHIE: That's better. CREW: (bursts out laughing again) ARCHIE: Shut up or I'll have my father cook you and EAT you! CREW: (dead silence) ROMANO: Back to the story. JAMES: I forgot where we were. JESSIE: Me too. TARA: What were we doing again? LANCE: You were mooning over the Shadowelf.....AGAIN. TARA: You're just jealous. (sticks her tongue out) JULIAN: Oh that looked real mature. LANCE: She's messing up the story again. LUCY: You mean it's possible for it to be more messed up than it is? SVEN: (shrugs) LIZZIE: Can we get back to the script now? JAMES: Yeah, after we figure out where we were. WHIPLASH: Apart from wasting time? JAMES: Before the time wasting. MULDER: James or someone told the story of a boy who was abducted by aliens, but what that has to do with this story is beyond me. WARREN: Great, next thing you know, we'll all be abducted by aliens. NEWMAN: This story just gets weirder and weirder. COSMO: No kiddin'. First they're being mounted and stuffed, and then they're kidnapped by aliens. GERARD: Hinky. AUTHOR: Anyhow, back to the story. JESSIE: (eating Cracker Jacks) Right, we're discussing Portable Holes, and how not to fall into them. LANCE: And where Leggo's base is. PSYLOCKE: In a halfway spot between demensions, like the More Games store. And this is it, Ladies and Gentlemen! The end of notebook One. After this, there is a 7 month break, during which Youth Elixir 4 took place aboard the BattleStar Galactica, and the Fantastic 4 was brought back to the set by Julian and Johnny Storm, who very much missed us. [he was in the first Star Wars stories]-- And Doctor Doom made his own return to the set. Anyhow, there ended up a few more talents as follows--- M=Magician///M+=High Magician//I= Intermediate Nicky Pike --teleportation of inannimate objects--reguardless of size [M class talent] Commander William Adama --discernment --the ability to see through any disguised talent including Iris illusion, and any other transformations. [M+ class talent] Captain Lee Adama --Shapeshifting [one form only] Black Panther -with slit pupils and blue eyes-- [I class talent] Lt. Kara Thrace --Shapeshifting [one form only] Cougar -with slit pupils and green eyes-- [I class talent] Lt. Archie Kennedy --Forcefield-- on himself automatic--on others, he has to concentrate. [I class talent] CHAPTER SEVEN "THE KILLER SWISS CHEESE CONSPIRACY" BEFORE THE SPOOF CONTINUES....AGAIN --Most of the cast and Peanut Gallery is spaced out over the set, waiting for the Author and Assistants to arrive. In the Author's Box, Archie is seated in Cassi's chair, with a pair of shades and a headset on. --Which looks pretty strange as he's still in his uniform, minus his boots, as his feet are propped up on the edge of the large card-board box.-- [What?--Did you think we were kidding when we said "Author's Box"?! You should expect that by now] Beside Archie, in Romano's chair, Horatio sits, with his feet also propped up, and he is reading a book.-- ROMANO: (comes up behind them and nudges Horatio) You're in my chair. HORATIO: (turns) Are you actually filming today? ROMANO: (pointedly) I can film myself kicking your ass if you don't move. ARCHIE: Getting. (picks his Pepsi can off the floor and stands up, pulling Horatio to his feet) LIZZIE: Candy wrapper. ARCHIE: Right away. --They both grab their stuff and head for the Peanut Gallery where Wellard and Bush are laying across several chairs-- WELLARD: (as Archie and Horatio join them) Told you they'd show up if you took their seats. ARCHIE: So what do you want, a medal? HORATIO: (pointedly) Cassi and Sven aren't here yet. COSMO: They're coming. I got a page on my way in. LIZZIE & ROMANO: Same here. HALDIR: So which one's this again? (sorting through the scripts) LEGOLAS: (looks as if praying) ROMANO: Forbidden. LEGOLAS: YES!!! We can finally get this mess over with! LANCE: So when do we get to the third one? LIZZIE: You shut up and don't make remarks or we won't get to it at all! LANCE: Hey, Fathead and Magneto aren't in the ShadowWorld anymore, how come Kitty has to be? JULIAN: Ah shut up! By the end of this one, YOU'LL be in the ShadowWorld with her and we'll be without your whiney complaints! TARA: Can we throw him there now? ROMANO: No. We don't let anyone off that easy. WARREN: What if we just exchanged him for Kitty? LIZZIE: Don't forget. Evan's there too now. LANCE: So? What's your point? LIGHTS: (enters with Prince John) --Prince John is not looking where he's going as he's reading the Zorro script. Lights carefully steers him to the side to avoid a collision with a post-- LIGHTS: (looks around) This isn't Titanic. JOHN: (not looking up) We're back on Forbidden again. They're back to fighting Shadow People. LIGHTS: And why does that sound like the Frog People conspiracy? ROMANO: I give up. Why does it? LIZZIE: What was that again? DOT: Mary had a little lamb.....with mint jelly. FREDDY: Yeah, that about sums it up. LEE: (enters with Kara) Sums what up? FREDDY: Baaaahhh. (walks out of the room, playing with his retractable glove claws) LEE: (stares after him) KARA: Safer not to ask, I'm guessing. I'm going over to the snack machines. LEE: (shrugs and heads over to where the other Assistants are) Does anyone know where we're supposed to be here? ROMANO: Don't know. Ask Lizzie. LIZZIE: She doesn't know either. Ask Freddy. NICK: I think he's eating lunch out there. You don't wanna ask him now. Ask Lights. LIGHTS: I only just started directing this one. Ask Archie. ARCHIE: Archie isn't directing this one. Ask John. LEE: (looking murderous) Who's John? CARTER: I'm John, what do you want? CHRIS: I think he means Prince John. LEE: (through clenched teeth) And where is Prince John? LIGHTS: (looks around) He was here a second ago. KARA: (approaches Lee from the snack machines) You find out where we go yet? LEE: (annoyed) Well I'm trying to. WOLVIE: (tugs Lee's pants leg) Prince John is over there with Zorro and he doesn't know either. LEE: I'm going to count to ten and start shooting people. ARCHIE: (not looking up) You wouldn't make it. Someone would shoot you before you reached two. --Before Lee can lunge for him, Kara steps in front of him-- KARA: (loudly) Does anyone know where we can find Security Team Four? ROMANO: Blue Room. Vasquez. (points) LEE: (is looking as if he'd like to strangle all the Assistants) KARA: (pulls him toward the Blue Room) You have to ask the right questions here. LEE: Shut up. (stalks into the Blue Room) ADAMA: (enters, staring after his son) Wha'd I miss? ROMANO: Don't know. Ask Archie. ARCHIE: (too busy laughing to answer) ADAMA: (joins Norrington, Pellew, and Reed in the Peanut Gallery) Should I even bother asking? NORRINGTON: I wouldn't if I were you. --This is when a loud cat snarl is heard from across the set, from the doorway. Orphie-Pest enters and leaps on top of Bush's chest [as he's still laying down]--He jumps up, startled, accidentally knocking Pest to the floor. Pest growls, smacks his leg and runs back over to where Cassi and Sven stand in the doorway.-- DAVE: Thank you for making sure we all knew you were here. PEST: (snarls) ROMANO: (without looking up) She's killing plants again. SVEN: She knows. You wanna tell her to stop? LIZZIE: Nice knowing you. ROMANO: Not a chance. I've got a life. DAVE: We never would have known. ROMANO: One peep out of you and I'll shoot your invisible ass with a Rocket Launcher. Pun fully intended. AUTHOR: And if he doesn't, I will. Shut up and sit down. Now....can someone tell me where we were? I had to switch notebooks. LEGOLAS: Don't look at me. I don't know. It's been so long I forgot. TARA: You're the narrators. Shouldn't you know? ROMANO: Whoopie...and you're the star. You're supposed to know the script. JAMES: (whispers in Tara's ear) TARA: I think we were at the fire walk. [ie the ending] JULIAN: Nice try. You'll have to start over at the beginning if you keep that up. SVEN: Fat chance. Act it or read it. We don't wanna hear it twice. JAMES: Oh well, it was worth a try. JESSIE: (shrugs) Guess we'll actually have to act. ASH: Like you don't do that anyway? JESSIE: (throws a shoe at him) Shut up, twerp. ARCHIE: (starts laughing then goes silent) What the heck is a twerp anyway? HORATIO: (shrugs) AUTHOR: This isn't getting us anywhere. ROMANO: Well we can't really go anywhere until we figure out where we are. COSMO: We're in the Author's Box. ROMANO: I don't mean where are we! I mean where ARE we?! AUTHOR: (sighs) I'm hungry. PIPPIN: Me too. Can we go out for lunch? CAST: NO! LEGOLAS: No we'll act, REALLY! I was just about to snatch Jessie. ADAMA: Wait, you threaten to leave and everyone gets upset?! LEGOLAS: We've been at this for over two years now!!! We DO wanna finish it eventually. JESSIE: Right, so we can hurry up and get Lance kidnapped. WARREN: That would be good if I didn't have to be there with him. LEGOLAS: I can get you some ear-plugs. LANCE: (flips both of them off) WARREN: If I don't commit suicide after the first 30 seconds. LEGOLAS: I can always knock Lance out. AUTHOR: Can we stop talking about the ending so we can finish the middle?! Otherwise, I'm going for food. JAMES: Can't you just look it up? SVEN: Go ahead, Cas. Look it up. (laughing) LANCE: Oh perfect. Now what? ROMANO: (looks up from Cassi's bag) Uh Cas, where IS the first notebook. AUTHOR: On the floor next to my bed. TARA: So why didn't you bring it? AUTHOR: (matter-of-factly) I couldn't find it. JESSIE: But you just said-- SVEN: Next to the bed. That's the problem. ROMANO: That bad, huh? AUTHOR: Well, my box of black hair dye is there, my drug bag is there, and my drawing supplies, my camera, and all the walkman stuff is there....I think there MAY be a rug down there somewhere, and a sticky mess of knocked over Pepsi cans....[not on the electrical equipment--REALLY]. SVEN: The cans seem to have a knack at landing on pictures to be used for drawing and ruining them. AUTHOR: And yesterday, Haldir caught a mouse over there and after he threw it across the room, I have no idea what became of it. ADAMA: I'm guessing it's usually safer not to ask Cassi anything. LOWE: You should hear some of their dinner conversations. ANDREWS: No, let's don't. PIPPIN: I'm still wondering what Haldir was doing hunting mice in Cassi's bedroom. HALDIR: She means her CAT! (whacks Pippin) [sadly Haldir was the cat I lost a few months back...and believe me, he is dearly missed] POUNCIE: Yeah, Hal. He's cool. Great mouser. AUTHOR: (shows Romano the picture) LIZZIE: Oh he's adorable. ROMANO: This is on top of your roof peak. AUTHOR: Yeah, I know. ROMANO: Isn't that really steep with a straight drop to the ground?! AUTHOR: Yeah. ARCHIE: Cats have great balance. ROMANO: Yeah but the picture was taken in FRONT of him! AUTHOR: I have really good balance and very good rubber soled shoes. ROMANO: And accident prone! AUTHOR: I've never fallen off a roof! Everything else, yes, but never a roof. JAMES: Nice to know you're not afraid of hieghts. LEGOLAS: Are we getting to the story any time soon? SVEN: We sent Dor after the notebook. We can start when he gets back....and whenever we figure out where we were. LEE: Nice organization skills. AUTHOR: Unless you'd like to be tied to a chair with the X-Babies shooting spitballs at you, you can shut up. LEE: (opens his mouth to comment) DONOVAN: Trust me. They can and they will. LEE: (sighs and heads back for the Blue Room) AUTHOR: (sighs and shakes her head) Where IS he?! I didn't think it was THAT messy in there. (frowns as Dor's voice is heard from the front hall, shouting) DOR: 'EY! YOU WITH THE TEETH!!!! STOP DROOLING ON THE CARPET! WE GAVE YOU DROOL BUCKETS FOR A REASON!!! --A high pitched hiss kills several plants, and is followed by a gunshot--Dor enters the room, putting his gun away.-- ALL: (staring at him) DOR: He cussed me out. SVEN: Do we still have a floor in there? DOR: No problem. Julian took care of the mess. (hands Cassi the notebook and her copy of "The Chase") AUTHOR: Thanks much. Back to work, people! THE SPOOF CONTINUES ROMANO: Where was it? NOTEBOOK: I was under a big pile of-- LIZZIE: On second thought, I don't want to know. NOTEBOOK: (finishes) Fanfiction. AUTHOR: Oh that's where it was. (pause) I thought I went through that. NOTEBOOK: The other pile of Fanfiction. ROMANO: Not asking. Don't wanna know. SVEN: Safer not to. COSMO: Right anyhow, I think we were at James' house. . . weren't we? SPIDEY: That was MY place, and I don't want-- JESSIE: Shut up already! None of us wants anything to do with your stupid piece of moldy cheese! SPIDEY: Kevin is NOT stupid. LEGOLAS: Right, he's super-intelligent. . . .(quietly to Tara) Unlike the guy he shares the apartment with. LEE: (frowning) You NAMED a piece of moldy cheese!? SPIDEY: (defensively) Yes, well I'm not the only one who does that. KARA: Ah, that explains the plastic deli box in the Blue Room, labeled "Max." SVEN: Oh is that where he went? I was half afraid Daddy killed him. AUTHOR: Nah. I gave him to Chris and he made sure Max got a new home. LEE: (looks at Kara) Max? KARA: In the Blue Room on the counter. The deli box with the moldy petrified sandwich bun that has "Max" written on it with a blue felt marker. VASQUEZ: And the sign in front of it that reads, "Do not throw away, or you will die horribly." Hudson, Drake, and Frost already asked about it. AUTHOR: Anyone who didn't get the memo on Security, this is Captain Lee Adama, Lt Kara Thrace, and Lt Marie Vasquez. They're the leaders of Security Team Four. Anyone assiciated with that team, who is not in the Blue Room, go there now to meet your commanding Officers. HUDSON: How come Hicks isn't with us? AUTHOR: Because Hicks is acting as First Lt. to Ripley. Now get going. SVEN: And now we'll introduce the other Secutiry Teams. The Dino Squad will remain Team One, and even though the Raptors are playing Cursed Pirates, they will continue their duties as Security, unless they're acting at that moment. RYAN: (grins) My Lt.s are Nick and Steve. STEVE & NICK: (stand to loud applause) SVEN: The Team includes all the dinosaurs, and we're happy to announce that Bill is doing much better and has been cleared for duty. --MORE APPLAUSE-- AUTHOR: Captain Cristie and Captain Dachande. --The two uncloak themselves--Christie (Alien Resurrection) stands in Predator garb with an eye-patch over one eye and the mark of a blooded warrior on his forehead--We'll also note that the mark appears on all the marines who killed an alien or more, including Ripley and Vasquez-- AUTHOR: Team Two is the Dreadlocks Squad. Christie's Lt's Johnner and Vriess and Dachande's Lts Machiko and Alexa. SVEN: Team Three. . . with the drool buckets around their necks. Captain Ripley with Lts Hicks and Call. The rest you'll meet as we go. And now that all that crap's out of the way, shall we continue with the story now? LEGOLAS: Ready and waiting! --All of the actors, including Legolas, are seated in Spidey's livingroom-- ROMANO: Legolas isn't supposed to be there. LEGOLAS: Just sitting here until we were ready to start. ROMANO: We're starting. Get lost already. LEGOLAS: (vanishes) THE SPOOF CONTINUES.....FOR REAL THIS TIME AUTHOR: ACTION! ROMANO: (pulls out his script) Where were we? AUTHOR: Talking about falling into voids. There's a bunch of them in my Ghost Stories books. ARCHIE: (eyeing the stack near her chair) Can I borrow one. . . or two? AUTHOR: (hands him "Ghost Stories of London" and "Ghost Stories of the Sea") Yeah, I'm finished with those. You know there's one on the Theater Royale? ARCHIE: Really!? (looking it up) HORATIO: And who is that? The ghost of Kitty Cobham? ARCHIE: Ah shut up. (sticks his tongue out and returns to his seat) ROMANO: Back to the void. . . also called Spidey's Apartment, where they're all eating Cracker Jacks and talking about voids. THE VOID. . . . OR SPIDEY'S APARTMENT WHERE THEY'RE EATING CRACKER JACKS AND TALKING ABOUT VOIDS TARA: (finds her place) I'm supposed to ask what the abduction story has to do with this story? LIZZIE: For those who weren't here or don't remember, we were hearing about a boy who left his house in the snow and disappeared. His tracks just cut off and his voice echoed from the sky. --Yes this is a true story. The boy was Oliver Larch and the story of his abduction appears in "The Haunted Heartland" by Michael Norman and Beth Scott.--He went out to get water on a cold Christmas day and disappeared. His footprints cut off by the empty bucket on the ground and he was never seen again. His voice echoed from the sky above-- ROMANO: Everybody got it? WELLARD: I saw the DVD's. LEE: Not a clue. KARA: (shrugs) AUTHOR: Good. On with the story. JAMES: Some German guy nobody's ever heard of here-- MULDER: Dr. Hern. JAMES: Except the Alien Abducted Freak. MULDER: I resent that. ROMANO: I don't care. You're not in this. Shut up. JAMES: As I was saying. This weird guy said there were holes. Like in the visible world, there are void places. TARA: I'm familiar with that. One of them is called Sunnydale. JESSIE: Oh, Tara made a funny! SPIKE: Nah, she's only tellin' the truth. If there's anyplace that's a void, it's Sunny D. BUFFY: Especially now. JAMES: Can we get on with this now? SPIKE: Sorry. Right. Go on then. JAMES: Void places like the holes in swiss cheese. PSYLOCKE: Translation: Acme Portable Hole. LEE: (quietly) Do I WANT to know? VASQUEZ: I wouldn't, if I were you. PSYLOCKE: So this freaky German guy fell into some big hunk of Swiss cheese? JAMES: Fell in, or was dragged in? JESSIE: Dragged into Swiss Cheese. (shivers) What next? LANCE: That would have to have been one BIG hunk of cheese. COSMO: Should we stop this? SVEN: Nah, I like where it's going. (snicker) Killer Swiss Cheese. WARREN: Right, so no problem. We just stay away from Swiss Cheese for a while, right? LEGOLAS: (has his head in his hands and is groaning) JESSIE: I don't know. I don't remember any swiss cheese on the beach, just the hole. LEGOLAS: (shouting) LIKE Swiss Cheese, damn it! THEY'RE BIG HOLES, OKAY!? JAMES: Alright already! Yeesh. So Julian controls these portable Swiss cheese hunks, right? LEGOLAS: I give up. TARA: Does that mean we win? LEGOLAS: No. Shut up. JESSIE: You mean Legolas controls them. JULIAN: No, he means I do. REED: That explains a lot. THERE'S how our ship got to the Galactica. PELLEW: TELL me about it. (Youth Elixir 2) JOHNNY: See? I TOLD you I had nothing to do with losing the Earth! We fell into a hunk of Killer Swiss Cheese! (Youth Elixir 4 on board the Galactica) SUE: (makes a face) I don't know this guy. LEE: (laughing loudly) ALL: (staring) LEE: Sorry, that just made for the weirdest mental image. ROMANO: See? Always the serious ones who crack first. JAMES: Eh, moving on now. PSYLOCKE: So you think the people who disappear go through this Killer Swiss Cheese, and into the Shadow World? JAMES: I don't think they ALL do, because the Fantastic Four just went farther out into Space, but problably a few of them do. They said that Oliver kid's mom heard his voice echoing from the sky, like he wasn't all the way there yet. TARA: A halfway place. Like the More Games store. Didn't we already cover this? AUTHOR: Don't remember. (looks it up) Yeah, we covered the part about not in the Shadow World but not the halfway place part, so go on. PSYLOCKE: Right, not in our world or his. So how do we find the halfway place? JAMES: Well, there's stories about vortex things in Arizona. Was the Swiss Cheese hole like a vortex, Jess? JESSIE: It was big and black. I don't know who much more like a vortex it could get. (hands him a pocket knife that she's pulled out of her box of Cracker Jacks) JAMES: (puts it with the mini-flame thrower he found in his own box) TARA: (playing with her prize package) This isn't helping us find his base and somehow I don't think we come back if we jump into one of those Swiss Cheese holes. LEGOLAS: I seriously doubt it. LANCE: From what I saw, it closed up after it took Evan. After Bites jumped in. I doubt after this long I could even find the place. JAMES: I bet they move around anyway. TARA: Huh? (staring at her prize) PSYLOCKE: (looks around) What? What is it? TARA: (holds up a book of poetry) JESSIE: How'd THAT fit into that tiny package? --The book is a REAL book that has one page dog eared--Tara opens it up to find a poem highlighted in bright yellow marker-- TARA: (reading) "In the midst of the word . . . (pause) "She" was trying to say. In the midst of "her" laughter and glee. She had softly and suddenly vanished away. For the snark was a boojum, you see." (frowning) The "He" and "his" have been crossed out in red and replaced by "She" and "Her." WARREN: Great, now he's mutilating poetry. JESSIE: What's a snark? JAMES: He's lost me. TARA: (rolls her eyes) It's a poem, obviously. About guys who go hunting creatures called 'snarks', but some are boojums who hunt you instead. At the end, one turned out to be a boojum instead of a snark. Kind of like Chris Knight at the beginning hunting his rabbits and finding Legolas hunting him. Get it? MICHAEL: Hey! Good point! I didn't even think of that! JULIAN: And you're surprised by that? JENNY: Ah shut up! TARA: YOU shut up! This is different from the other prizes. It must be from Legolas! JESSIE: (frowns) What gives you that idea. LANCE: (flatly) "Love Legolas" written under the dog-ear. Duh. (shows her) TARA: (completely serious) No, that's not it. It's how weird this prize is, compared to the others. JESSIE: Yeah, the script says so. PSYLOCKE: So is it what's GOING to happen, or what's already happened? LIZZIE: The silence does stretches while they all think about this. ADAMA: Huh? PELLEW: Just don't ask. It's a thing about taking the script too literally. REED: Ah, right. The silence stretches. LIZZIE: Right, you're very smart. Shut up. JAMES: You think he's giving us clues in advance? TARA: That would be sporting, I suppose. JULIAN: So unlike me. DEE: So we now know. TARA: Well, he DID kind of give me a clue at the dance. LANCE: Somewhere within the page and a half of kissing? TARA: He said he'd go after Little Red Riding Hood first. JESSIE: We don't have a Little Red Riding Hood in our group, and he got Evan first. LANCE: THERE'S some blackmail material. (laughing) TARA: (smacks him) He meant Jessie's red hair! Evan was an accident. PSYLOCKE: Well, if that's the case, we might just have a chance. We figure out which one the clue is about then we surround that person. JAMES: Hey! Good idea! I always wanted to be like a detective. LANCE: Well it might work, unless of course, there's a catch. PSYLOCKE: Shut up. You're killing the party. It'll work. We'll beat him. TARA: I suppose, but we have to figure things out. It won't be easy. JESSIE: But we will! We have to get Evan back. (picks up the empty coke cans and heads for the kitchen) WARREN: So we start with the poem. JAMES: Unless the one that already happened, I mean if it was about Jessie, or should we say Little Red Riding Hood? JESSIE: You call me that one more time, I'll be calling YOU-- JAMES: (waits a minute) What? --Silence-- JAMES: HEY! I finally got the LAST WORD! (grins proudly) WARREN: But what if this one's a clue? Another person? It says "she". . . so-- JAMES: (frowns) Wait. Jessie NEVER lets me have the last word! TARA: (jumps up and runs for the kitchen) ROMANO: And her screams echo from the light fixture. Dor? LIGHT FIXTURE: (echoes Tara's screaming) AUTHOR: And we've FINALLY finished another chapter! ALL: (standing ovation) ADAMA: THIS is an accomplishment? LEGOLAS: YES!!!! THE NEXT CHAPTER!!!!! (does a Happy Dance) LIZZIE: Chapter. . . (looks it up) Eleven. CHAPTER . . . . (LOOKS IT UP) ELEVEN ROMANO: Everyone goes running to find nobody but Tara and a paper doll of Jessie, complete with little Jigglypuff drawings on her face. And if you're confused by this, go back and watch the last Forbidden Spoof. JAMES: All that screaming over a paper doll?! Sheesh, I was afraid Bites was backor something. WARREN: (gives him a brainduster) A paperdoll and no Jessie! It means we just LOST JESSIE! JAMES: Wait now, we can't just LOSE JESSIE! BRING HER BACK! LANCE: I believe I said the same thing about Kitty. JULIAN: Oh don't think of Jessie as gone. Think of it as. . . . She went away to be with Evan. DEE: (throws a popcorn at him) OH SHUT UP! AUTHOR: Are we getting on with this or do I have to go eat somthing? TARA: NO! We'll behave! REALLY! ROMANO: You're shaking. Go eat something before you puke in my lap. JAMES: NO!!!! WE JUST GOT ON A ROLE! LIZZIE: She has to eat. We can wait right here. AUTHOR: Good idea. I have a headache. (exits) SVEN: (follows) I'm hungry, too. WARREN: Great, here we go again. ROMANO: Shut up. (puts his feet up and pulls out a medical journal) ONE DAY LATER WARREN: See? I KNEW she wouldn't be right back. ROMANO: (whacks him with a book) She was sick! Is that okay with you? Why do you think we told her to go!? LIZZIE: Besides, she's comming back today anyway. LEGOLAS: Wow, a new record. ROMANO: Don't make me shoot you. (looks at a list) Hal, Freddy, Lights, and Archie! Get up! You're directing. Cosmo's sick and PJ's working on his sword play with Ramone and Zorro. ARCHIE: Oh goodie! (motions for Wellard to follow him) Let's go, Assistant. AUTHOR: (walks in with a Predator carrying her bag) You can put it right here. PREDATOR 396: (sets the bag down and holds out his hand as Cassi hands him his tip) AUTHOR: Thank you. Back to your post. PREDATOR 396: (exits) ROMANO: Man, that was the freakiest looking bell-boy. AUTHOR: He offered, what can I say? ARCHIE: Better now? AUTHOR: Lortab Land. Cassi really happy now. (sets a pillow against Archie's shoulder and leans on it.) Back to the spoof, peoples! (yawns) ARCHIE: (stares at her) ROMANO: Now you know why I told you to sit on that side. (grins) LIZZIE: (puts her own pillow on Rob's shoulder) Lovely try, but you still didn't escape. You heard her, peoples! BACK TO WORK! ROMANO: (Shakes his head) Where were we? JULIAN: Just took Jessie out of the kitchen. So we're in Spidey's kitchen. IN SPIDEY'S KITCHEN TARA: (picks up the paper doll and bursts into hysterical tears) JAMES: (frantic) Where is she!? (grabs Tara's arm) WHERE IS SHE?! LANCE: Let go of her before I bash you! PSYLOCKE: HEY! All of you! Where do you THINK she is!? The floor has a burn mark here! SPIDEY: You BURNED MY FLOOR?! SVEN: Oh shut up! Jameson can fix it! JAMESON: Say pretty please. SPIDEY: No thanks. It really doesn't look THAT bad. JAMES: But we were all here! How did he do it without any of us hearing anything!? PSYLOCKE: Because he's Legolas. LANCE: See? I TOLD you there was a catch to it! TARA: Oh shut up! LANCE: YOU shut up! I was close to that Swiss Cheese hole on the beach! It made no sound at all! THAT'S how he got her out of here! WARREN: (quoting) "In the midst of the word she was trying to say." (pause) Although she wasn't laughing. She was more closer to bashing James. PSYLOCKE: Yes, but the script says she was supposed to have been laughing. ROMANO: Tara looks at Warren, thinking he looks like a prophet of doom. ZACH: HEY! JENNY: It only seemed like it! AUDREY: So this is what I missed. SUMMER: TELL me about it. DEE: More or less. They're really messing it up. JAMES: Oh shut up, we're working here! LIZZIE: Tara decides that tears and hysterics aren't going to help Jessie now. Jessie had fallen into a black hole and it was all Tara's fault, just as Kitty's death was. LANCE: Kitty's not dead. ZACH: We didn't know that then, so stop stressing it already! TARA: (stares at the paper doll) I'll find her. . . then I'll rip you to pieces. I'm going to win this game! DOLL: NOOOO!!!!!! YOU CAN'T RIP ME UP! WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU!!?? NOOOO!!! DON'T KILL ME!!!! (loud sobbing) TARA: (drops the paper doll and jumps away with a shriek) WILL YOU CUT THAT OUT!? DOR: Sorry, couldn't help it. JAMES: (sniffling and rubbing his nose) I think I'm allergic to that burned smell. AUDREY: (flatly) Nice of you to miss me. MICHAEL: I was upset about you, not sneezing. They're messing it up. ASH: Nah, he just doesn't miss her as much as you did. JAMES: Not true. I miss her hurting me and yelling all the time. MISTY: He's warped. ROMANO: Around here? What did you expect? Isn't everyone? ARCHIE: Naturally. That's the beauty of this place. LEE: If you say so. ROMANO: Ah hush up, puddy tat. You like it and you know it. KARA: Well, I suppose the puddy tat thing is kind of cool. . . . once you get used to it. JOHNNY: Although it IS freaky to watch. KARA: Don't make me maul you to death, torchie. (flashes her cat eyes) (Kara and Lee's Xanth talents are shapeshifting into a cougar and a panther) JOHNNY: (holds his thumb like a cigarette lighter) Just try it, Kitty. KITTY 1: No, she's Kara. I'm Kitty. AUTHOR: There aren't any Kitties in this story, except the one in the Shadow World. Back to work, people. CHAPTER EIGHT "STORY TIME AND ANOTHER HEADLESS PERSON" FOUR MONTHS LATER . . . AGAIN AUTHOR: Does anyone remember were we were in the script? ARCHIE: That depends. Which spoof is this one? AUTHOR: We're going to finish Forbidden 2. LEGOLAS: About time! I just took Jessie. She and Evan are getting REALLY annoying and the sooner I can kidnap her another friend, the better! JAMES: I'll go. TARA: You will NOT! We'll follow the script. I think Warren's next. ROMANO: You should go away more often. They actually read the script while you were gone. AUTHOR: We've crossed the three-year mark and with Sven not working on hers, I just wanna finish this thing. Besides, I'm looking into a re-staffing of Assistants. LIZZIE: Meaning? AUTHOR: Not you. Don't worry about it. I've got one Assistant wanting to step down and another who's been brought up on charges. FREDDY: What charges. AUTHOR: Not you for once. Bill's out of therapy and he's pressing charges against Julian. JULIAN: (who knows about it--shrugs) SVEN: And Cosmo doesn't want to Assist anymore. ARCHIE: What about me, Hal and Lights? LIGHTS: I'm not going anywhere. I like my job very much. AUTHOR: Everyone else is staying, but Freddy. Due to reasons beyond our control, he can't be in the next spoof. I'm also getting another new Assistant. His Xanth talent is Shapeshifting. ROMANO: Into what? (eyes Lee) AUTHOR: Into three different forms. Elf, Eagle and Raptor. And this is aside of his normal form. FREDDY: Another new guy. AUTHOR: Yes, but not until the next spoof. So everyone have a seat and we'll get back to work. ROMANO: Back in Spidey's apartment. Jessie is gone and Psylocke makes her suggestion as to how not to get caught. BACK TO SPIDEYS APARTMENT// THE SPOOF CONTINUES PSYLOCKE: Cassi's new Assistant can change into a raptor? ROMANO: So don't piss him off and get to the script. ALL: (shiver) STEVE: Cool. NICK: Can't wait to meet him. AUTHOR: Psylocke? PSYLOCKE: Right, we should all stay together. LIZZIE: The five of them are standing, tied in a knot in the livingroom. TARA: Huh? LIZZIE: Don't look at me. I read it, I don't write it. AUTHOR: Apparently they've started a game of "Twister" without us knowing. ROMANO: Whatever. On with it. JAMES: We don't have to be tied up, right? AUTHOR: Skip it. Moving on. JAMES: Right. We'll sleep in the living room. . . because if you saw the bedroom, you'd cringe. SPIDEY: I heard that. FREDDY: Butt out. You're not in this story. ROMANO: Anyhow, Tara has to go change out of her beautiful dress, so as not to get it all wrinkled. TARA: I already did that weeks ago. I don't wear the same clothes for weeks on end. SVEN: (makes a face) Not touching that one. AUTHOR: Good idea. Let's keep that one in the family. LUCY: Aw, come on. SVEN: No, it's best we don't discuss the hygeine of our family members in public. ROMANO: Ugh nasty. Thanks for not sharing. Anyhow, Tara is already changed so we can move on now. She doesn't want to be alone for any time, and probably would have changed in front of everyone if she could have gotten away with it. AUDREY: I don't blame you. JENNY: Thank you. LIZZIE: The only thing was that they had not gotten another clue and it would not be very sporting of Legolas to just jump in and kidnap them. TARA: Why am I talking to a wall here? LIGHTS: Because you've lost your mind. TARA: Oh right. (to the wall) It wouldn't be sporting to not give clues. WALL: What do I care?! I'm not even playing this stupid game! ROMANO: And it occurs to Tara that Legolas was probably watching and heard that. LEGOLAS: Yep. LIZZIE: It was disturbing to know that no place was without that freaky peeping tom. JULIAN: No, I'm Julian. Tom was her BOYFRIEND. DEE: (laughing) LIZZIE: Ahem. JULIAN: Carry on. LIZZIE: So she continues talking to the wall, knowing Legolas can hear her. TARA: It's no game if we don't have a chance. ROMANO: Then she goes in to sleep next to Lance. TARA: Pass. LANCE: Oh yeah. Can't she sleep next to Betsy? PSYLOCKE: (sitting with Warren) She's not my type. AUTHOR: Cut it out. This story is PG13. Behave yourselves. CAST: Yes, mom. AUTHOR: Back to work. Tara freaks out because the gold ring is still on her finger and now she can't get it off. ROMANO: And Lance gets mad because she can't take it off and decides to be a big jerk about it. LANCE: Whatever. Time for bed. LIZZIE: Tara watches him turn away and feels the lettering on the ring burning into her finger. PIPPIN: Are you sure she's wearing the right ring? MERRY: She's not invisible, Pip. PIPPIN: Oh right. TARA: Please can it not burn? I really can't get it off. AUTHOR: Ignore that part and just go on. ROMANO: Tara wakes up, not knowing where she is before she realizes she's still in Spidey's apartment, and it's all Leggo's fault. LEGOLAS: Hey, I didn't make them stay there. LIZZIE: She looks around to make sure everyone's still there and thinks about Lance. PSYLOCKE: (stretches and looks around) Are we all still here? JAMES: Mentally or physically? ROMANO: Mentally is your own business. Get on with it. PSYLOCKE: So who's making breakfast? (eyes James) It's supposed to be your place. ASH: You don't want HIS cooking. SVEN: Or Spidey's, for that matter. You're better off starving. WARREN: Besides, all that's in the fridge is that moldy lump of cheese. ARCHIE: (grins) It's "Livin' in the Fridge!" WELLARD: (singing) You can't stop the mold from growing! AUTHOR: Thank you Weird Al. Back to the story. ROMANO: Next section. They have to go by Jessie's house to get her things so her parents think she's staying with Tara, instead of making out with Even in some portable hole in a piece of Killer Swiss Cheese. SVEN: Oookaaaay. That sounded freaky. CHRIS: I would say the word, "kinky" comes to mind. PIPPIN: I'm hungry. ROMANO: Find a Jawa. We're not stopping yet. Continue. JAMES: Do you really think we can get away with it? TARA: We have a choice?! Are you going to tell them their daughter's been kidnapped by a Shadowelf, but don't worry, we'll have her back as soon as we can!? JAMES: Around here?! They might believe the Swiss Cheese story better! PSYLOCKE: We'll talk to the housekeeper. No problem. The housekeeper doesn't really care. TARA: I'll go get her stuff and then we'll go by your place. You can tell your parents you're staying with me. Warren can say he's staying with Lance. WARREN: Fat chance. LANCE: Feeling's mutual. TARA: We don't care. LIZZIE: Tara gets Jessie's stuff and they both leave the house. The housekeeper really doesn't care because let's face it. Jessie doesn't really live there anyway. PSYLOCKE: We need her car too. Do we still have that rental? TARA: (holds up the keys) Unless they took it back without these. ROMANO: They don't take them back without keys. TARA: Then we still have the car. WARREN: Next victim. ROMANO: Lance quickly disposes himself of his parents. LANCE: I get to dispose of them? ROMANO: Well, that's what the book says, however, since his parents don't appear in the cast sheet anyway, just skip it. LANCE: Aw darn, I really wanted to dispose of some people. LIZZIE: Maybe next time. On to Tara's house, where Donovan is apparently laying out by the pool. ROMANO: He's supposed to be cleaning it. DONOVAN: It's already clean. Who cares? TARA: (shrugs) Dad, I'm staying with Betsy for a few days. It's a big school assignment. DONOVAN: (doesn't look up from his book) That's nice, dear. TARA: Dad, we're going to rob a bank, do some drugs, and me and the girls are going to smear ourselves with paste and dance naked in the moonlight. DONOVAN: Uh huh. Sounds lovely sweetheart. (turns the page in his book) TARA: Did you and Mom want us to steal a car for you while you're at it? DONOVAN: Sure honey. You go ahead. Just make sure you call every so often to let us know you're still alive. TARA: Right no problem. I'll tell Legolas you said hi. (grabs some clothes and books and leaves the house) GUMBO: No fair! How come I can't go steal a car too? DONOVAN: (still reading) Because you're not old enough to drive, son. ROMANO: Wow, what an attentive father. DONOVAN: (still reading) Uh huh. LIZZIE: On to Warren's house. Who's Warren's father again? FREDDY: (holding the cast sheet) Doug Ross. ROMANO: Someone tell Dr. Ross to get his ass out here and act. We need him to be like some cruel jailer or something. DOUG: In other words, act like Dr. Romano does in the ER. Got it. ROMANO: Aw shut up. You can be replaced. Anyhow, we have a scene between Warren and Tara, and since it's a huge hint in the plotline, we have to do it. Get to it, kiddies. IN WARREN'S GARAGE TARA: You keep your textbooks out here? WARREN: The art ones, and we might wanna bring a flashlight. (grabs one) TARA: For what? WARREN: Not a clue. I'll have to stay here anyway. Does it matter? ROMANO: Tara looks around, remembering how Legolas dressed up like her cousin and kissed her in the dream from the first book. Then she decides tofocus instead on a wall mural of the school cafeteria tables stacked in a pyramid. (pause) Why someone would do that, we have no idea. LIZZIE: Apparently, someone has a lot of time on their hands. AUDREY: That would be Jenny, Tom and Dee. FREDDY: Something tells me the schools don't assign enough homework. DEE: (shrugs) I thought it was funny. ROMANO: Anyhow, she can't stay focused because she is secretly attracted to her cousin and is thinking about kissing him as he changes into Legolas. JENNY: (looks as if she wants to crawl under her chair and die) MICHAEL: Ew. AUDREY: Weird family. WARREN: Are you okay Tara? You look a little red. TARA: I'm good. Nothing out of the ordinary. WARREN: Got it. Given the definition of 'ordinary' lately, it could be anything. TARA: So what have you done lately? You haven't made any new prints. WARREN: I've been busy with freaky Shadowelf games lately. TARA: Understandable. What's this? (points to a book on the table) WARREN: That's a book on the table. Duh. ROMANO: Skip the artist and stuff. Just show her the right page. WARREN: (opens the book to a bookmarked page) Look at this. TARA: (reads) "This is not a pipe." --They are looking at a picture of a pipe-- TARA: (looks up) Looks like a pipe to me. WARREN: No, this is a PICTURE of a pipe. TARA: That's what I said. A pipe. WARREN: A picture is not a pipe. A picture is a PICTURE. A pipe is a pipe. CHRIS: Huh? SVEN: Don't look at me. I'm still trying to figure out why they'd stack tables up like that. WARREN: An image is not reality. You can show a kid a picture and say, "This is a doggie," but it isn't. It's an image. WELLARD: What doggie? Where did the doggie come from? ARCHIE: I don't remember any dogs in the script, unless you mean the Lurker. WARREN: Moving on now. LIGHTS: What about the dog? WARREN: Forget the dog! The dog is unimportant! TARA: So why'd you bring it up for? WARREN: (banging his head into the table) PIPPIN: Doesn't that hurt your head? TARA: (shrugs) Like a paper house-- WARREN: Is not a house. TARA: Yes it is. It may be made of paper, but it's STILL a house. It is not a picture, it is a three-dementional house, made out of paper. Besides, Legolas made it into a real house anyway. WARREN: Yeah, I suppose you have a point. How much more of this do we have to go through? ROMANO: (turns the page) Just go to the imaginary world line. WARREN: (finds his place) I used to think that imaginary worlds were safer than the real one. (pause) Then I saw the imaginary world. ARCHIE: I would have to say it depends on whose imaginary world you're talking about. AUTHOR: Amen. I liked MY imaginary world. I spent YEARS there. (yes, this is true but I had my reasons) WELLARD & ARCHIE: Me too! ROMANO: Moving on. TARA: Right, his photography and art isn't safe anymore. Legolas contaminated it. LEGOLAS: I resent that! LIZZIE: Shut up! You aren't in this scene. ROMANO: Anyhow, for the first time in his life, Warren has to live in reality. AUTHOR: NO!!!!! NOT THAT!!!!!! NOT REALITY!!!!!! (screams) ROMANO: (waits for her to finish) Done? AUTHOR: Yeah. I think I got that out of my system. ROMANO: (to Tara) You may continue now. TARA: That's why you haven't done any new prints, isn't it? You have Artists Block. SVEN: Bad stuff that is. AUTHOR: Oh yeah, like Writers Block. WARREN: I just haven't seen anything I've wanted to photograph. Lately I just don't care. ROMANO: Yeah, that goes around. TARA: Well, maybe when this is all over-- --She is cut off when Doug slams the door open-- TARA & WARREN: (shriek and jump three feet in the air) WARREN: ARG!!!! DON'T DO THAT!!!! THAT WAS A NIGHTMARE IN THE FIRST SPOOF!!!! DOUG: Following the script. And you aren't going anywhere tonight. You're staying here! You can get kidnapped by a Shadowelf just as easily at HOME!!! WARREN & TARA: Huh? DOUG: What? I read the script. He's next and he's not going anywhere on his last night at home until the end of the next spoof, whenever THAT will be. WARREN: Well, I suppose when he puts it that way, he's got a point. Okay, I'll stay home. TARA: But-- WARREN: I'll be okay. You guys look after yourselves, and tell the ones who didn't read the script what happened. TARA: (nods) Tell Legolas I said hi. WARREN: (rolls his eyes) You tell him. You see him before I do. TARA: Oh right. Okay. See ya later then. WARREN: (waves as she leaves) ROMANO: Back to Spidey's....I mean James' place. SPIDEY'S--I MEAN JAMES' PLACE PSYLOCKE: So what di we do now? JAMES: We order a pizza and find a deck of cards until Legolas kidnaps one of us. TARA: We also have to figure out where his base is. JAMES: Oh yeah, right. That too. ROMANO: Cut and go to Tara's dream. Legolas, you've got another scene. LEGOLAS: REALLY!? Wow, I haven't had one of those in a LONG time. FREDDY: Just as long as you still remember how to act. LEGOLAS: (thinks) Yeah, I think I still can. TARA'S DREAM ROMANO: Tara sits up, thinking she's awake, but still dreaming. LUCY: Yeah, that happens to me a lot too. CARTER: You and nearly everyone ELSE on this set AUTHOR: Yep. Continue. TARA: But I'm NOT dreaming! I'm awake! FREDDY: The script says you're dreaming, so you're dreaming. ARCHIE: How would YOU know?! You didn't READ the script! FREDDY: Romano said it's a dream. I didn't HAVE to read the script! LIZZIE: Both of you hush up! Tara, kindly pretend you're dreaming. TARA: Right. Dreaming. Check. LANCE: Can you go dream in the other room? Some of us are trying to sleep. TARA: Your concern is overwhelming! LEGOLAS: (motions for her to follow him into the bedroom) We can talk alone in there. TARA: How do I know you won't kidnap me? LEGOLAS: First of all, it isn't in the script. Second of all, I am NOT Freddy Krueger. I can't steal you away while you're sleeping. JULIAN: Well, you could, but it would be against the rules. LEGOLAS: But out. I'M the Shadowelf in this story! (sticks his tongue out) JENNY: Very cute. So mature. AUTHOR: Quiet! They're acting over there. TARA: (follows Legolas into the bedroom) BEDROOM LEGOLAS: Ugh, what a pigsty. TARA: Well, I guess making out is out of the question. LEGOLAS: (looks disgusted) Can't you clean this mess up? It makes Kitty2's NIGHTMARE messy room look GOOD! SPIDEY: It's not THAT bad! Besides, if YOU were out saving people's lives all day, YOU wouldn't have time to clean either! JAMESON: Excuses excuses.... TARA: Right, anyway, what's up? I already know Warren's next. He's alone, it's pretty obvious. LEGOLAS: True. Jessie said to say hi. TARA: Oh? How is she? LEGOLAS: (makes a face) She's REALLY getting along with Evan. I got disgusted watching it and decided to go get Warren so they're not by themselves in there. AUDREY: That is so unfair. MY date just abandoned me. MICHAEL: Yeah, but you said you were happy with ME! AUDREY: Well of course! But you weren't there! My point is that I was all alone there! JULIAN: Yes, well I'm not Legolas, and I don't play cards with my prey. LEGOLAS: (throws a dirty sock at Julian) That's why they hate you and love me! SPIDEY: HEY! Don't throw my dirty laundry! JULIAN: (peels it off his face and runs for the bathroom, tossing the sock away) --We'll note that it ends up stuck to a wall-- LEGOLAS: Ew I touched it! (looks at Tara) Do you have any wipeys? TARA: (runs back into the licingroom and grabs some out of Jessie's bag, before returning to the bedroom) Here. LEGOLAS: (cleans his hands) Thank you very much. That's much better. Where were we? TARA: (stares at him, dreamily) You were gonna kiss me until I faint. SVEN: Oh ugh, not again! AUDREY: Thanks for being so concerned, Jen. (glares) JENNY: (sighs) They're messing it up! I was mad at him but I had to let him kiss me before he'd give me the next clue! TARA & LEGOLAS: (kissing) PIPPIN: Well, I see the clue isn't ALL he gave her. MERRY: (snickers) JENNY: Someone get me one of those bags! MERRY: (hands her one) JENNY: (pulls it over her head) Can someone please put me out of my misery? ROMANO: Not a chance, psycho lady. Why should we spare YOU?! WE still have to watch it! ARCHIE: Aren't they DONE yet?! WELLARD: Well, you'd think they'd have to breath SOMEtime. LIZZIE: Isn't she supposed to ask about taking the ring off? ROMANO: Before they spend a page kissing? FREDDY: Oh come on and break it up already! We're getting SICK here! Don't make me come in there! LEGOLAS & TARA: (separate) ALL: THANK YOU! LEGOLAS: (staring at Tara) Where were we again? AUTHOR: Oy.... JULIAN: Amature. LEGOLAS: You want me to chuck ANOTHER sock at you?! I don't mind washing my hands again. SPIDEY: No more throwing my laundry! JAMESON: And hurry the friggin scene up! We're dying from EXPOSURE over here! TARA: YOU!? We're actually IN the room! SVEN: Yeah, but you were busy kissing. CHRIS: (holding his nose) Is the scene over yet? TARA: Right, Warren's next. Got it. (returns to the livingroom, firmly closing the bedroom door, and spraying air freshener) LEGOLAS: (has vanished) BACK IN THE LIVING ROOM WHERE ALL CAN REMOVE THEIR GAS MASKS TARA: Wake up everyone! It's Warren! --The group, not surprised, rolls over, groaning-- TARA: And we finished another chapter! ALL: (loud cheering) PSYLOCKE: Wow! (jumps up) We're one more chapter closer to FINISHING this mess! ALL INCLUDING CAST: (standing ovation) ROMANO: (waits until the cheers die down) Shall we go to Warren's house? DOUG: Take him real quietly. The twins are finally alseep. LEGOLAS: I'll try. WARREN'S HOUSE LIZZIE: Warren is asleep in bed when he feels creeping around his legs. . . . obviously, since he's not sleeping with anyone at the moment, we'll assume there's a SNAKE in bed with him. WARREN: (screams at the top of his lungs, jumps four feet in the air, and flies across the room) KATE & TESS: (now about five years old, wake up and start crying in horror) DOUG & CAROL: Thanks. LEGOLAS: That was WARREN. I didn't make a sound. ARBOK: (also crying) BITES: *Way to go. You kicked him in the face.* ROMANO: Warren, no flying. WARREN: That was in the LAST spoof! I never promised that in THIS one! FREDDY: He's got a point. ROMANO: That's beside the point. WARREN: Well fine! YOU let someone throw a snake in bed with YOU and see how far you jump out! LIZZIE: Anyhow, since you're up, you now assume you were dreaming. WARREN: Right. Let me know when I become retarded. I was NOT dreaming! JAMES: No kidding. You gave Arbok a black eye. Jessie's going to be PISSED! WARREN: Hey get lost! You're not in this scene! ROMANO: Warren goes out to the garage, as he doesn't want to get back into bed with the snake, and so Doug and Carol can get the twins back to sleep. ARCHIE: Well, I can't blame him there. I wouldn't want to sleep with the snake either. BUSH: (makes a face) WARREN: (heads for the garage) WARREN'S GARAGE.....AGAIN ROMANO: And he finds the snake waiting for him, complete with the black eye. ARBOK: (glares) Chaaaa. WARREN: Darn, should have gone back to bed. FREDDY: Just try it. LIZZIE: So, being like Cassi with tornadoes, the first thing he thinks to do is get a picture of the snake. ZACH: (grins proudly) WARREN: (goes for the camera) ROMANO: And we go back to the other group, who are just getting to Warren's house. TARA: (charges through the garage door, and stops short) --The others smack into her and they all stare-- LEGOLAS: Cheese! (poses with Bites and Arbok, while Warren snaps pictures) WARREN: Good one! Bites, show me some teeth! (snaps another) JULIAN: Someone get me a bag. JENNY: (hands him hers and starts laughing) WARREN: Oh goodie! Tara, get in there and look scared! TARA: (shrugs and joins Legolas) ROMANO: This isn't my turn. I went last time! LIZZIE: Do I have to torch that garage? WARREN: Um... yeah. (jumps into the portable hole as Legolas, Bites and Arbok vanish) PSYLOCKE: (picks up the winged paperdoll) Well THAT was intimidating. TARA: TELL me about it! I'm in SWEATPANTS! I'm going to look HORRIBLE in those pictures! PSYLOCKE: (sighs and gives her a brainduster) Can we focus on the plot here? We just lost my boyfriend! TARA: Plot? AUTHOR: Ahem? TARA: Oh right. That plot. We better write Dr. Ross a note saying he left early to go to school. DOUG: At four in the morning? JAMES: We can't keep this up, you know. Eventually the parents will catch on! There have been too many disappearences. We lose anymore friends and we'll go to jail! PSYLOCKE: So? Legolas can get us just as easily in jail, you know! Besides, the people playing parents, read the script. Who's next? Me? TARA: Yeah, I think so. LANCE: Well we'll all have to skip school so we can stay together. PSYLOCKE: Oh, what a pity. AUTHOR: Does this school not call the parents when their children don't show up, without being excused? Mine always did. ROMANO: Maybe this school doesn't give a rip. TARA: We have to figure out where the base is. Can we focus on that? PSYLOCKE: No we don't. YOU do. All WE have to do is look scared and get kidnapped. I read the script too. LANCE: True, although I'm supposed to get rid of Bites and Arbok. TARA: You can't kill a Neverwolf and if you hurt Arbok, Jessie will skin you alive. LANCE: I mean that's what the SCRIPT says! I wasn't planning on anything except getting kidnapped. PSYLOCKE: Legolas doesn't seem to be playing this game right. The last clue was right, but we didn't have enough time to GET there! TARA: Maybe I should have woken up sooner. LANCE: You weren't even asleep! TARA: I was, according to the script, so there! LANCE: Well, since we can't call Evan to see if he's okay, what do we do? PAYLOCKE: We go see Storm. TARA: Why again? PSYLOCKE: So she can tell us another story and give us a clue for the ending. JAMES: Besides, she might also have breakfast. LANCE: Good point. I'm starved. Let's go! LIZZIE: On to Storm's house for story time! STORM'S HOUSE FOR STORY TIME! ROMANO: Storm is supposed to be doing art, but since she's not, we'll skip that. STORM: (lets them in) There seems to be a couple missing. TARA: Shadowelf. STORM: Right, I knew that. And let me guess, you've all been telling lies to your parents. JAMES: How'd you guess? STORM: I didn't, but that's always the story. LANCE: Got any food? STORM: (hands him a box of donuts) I knew you were comming. LANCE: Cool. (inhales one) JAMES: Hey! Save ME some! (joins him) STORM: And since I read the script, and know pretty much what's going on, except the ways you've changed it, of course. JAMES: (with his mouth full) Well yeah, we messed it up, but Jessie and Warren are still missing so it's still pretty much the same. TARA: Yeah, and Evan's gone. Don't forget Evan. STORM: Does that mean Evan has to come back for the next one? AUTHOR: (thinks) Good point. Does he? JULIAN: (pulls the bag off his head) Well yes, actually. By busting in on Jessie's obduction, and getting caught, he willingly joined the game. So according to the rules, he's officially part of the group. Make sure you all say congradulations to him the next time you see him. TARA: Oh lovely. We have a new friend in our group. LANCE: (makes a face) Lousy interfering X-Men. PAYLOCKE: I resent that. STORM: So do I, as would Kitty. Behave yourself, Lance. LANCE: (wolvie pout) JAMES: So now what happens? STORM: (shrugs) Now it's story time. TARA: Oh goodie! (grabs a pillow and sits down) --The group is joined by Merry, Pippin, The Warners, and Legolas and all of them brought their own pillows-- AUTHOR: Hold it! LEGOLAS: I want to hear the story too! JULIAN: You do! You're watching all this, remember? LEGOLAS: (sticks his lip out) But I wanna sit on the carpet with a pillow TOO! ROMANO: I think I'm going to go kill myself now. LIZZIE: That's it! I want to ACT in the next one! ALL: (staring at her--because let's face it--most of the cast would rather direct than act) LIZZIE: What? ROMANO: (checks her forehead) LIZZIE: Oh stop it, Robert. I'm just sick and tired of listening to all the whiney complaints! AUTHOR: (shrugs) Well, I suppose you can star in the next one, but you'll have to be the bad guy. (hands her the cast sheet) LIZZIE: (reads it and grins) Done! I LOVE that story! ROMANO: (watches Cassi pencil Lizzie's name onto the Cast sheet) Oh yeah, this is gonna be good. LEGOLAS: What? What is? TARA: They're scaring me. Isn't The Kill supposed to follow this one? AUTHOR: Not anymore. We're postponing that one to give people a break on it. JENNY: Oh thank God. LANCE: But what about Kitty? AUTHOR: We'll see what happens as we go. Get to the story. Legolas, you can sit on the carpet, but not next to Tara. LEGOLAS: (makes a face) I'll be invisible. (vanishes) ROMANO: Nice one. AUTHOR: You just have to know how to deal with things like this. LIZZIE: (grinning at the prospect of her star role) On with Story Time! STORY TIME!!!! STORM: This is supposed to have been a dream I had, but since I didn't dream this, ignore that. TARA: Ignore dream. Got it. OTHERS: Got it! STORM: Once upon a time, there was a boy and a girl who were in love. LANCE: Hold it! Is this a mushy story? STORM: No, shut up! As I was saying, a boy and a girl in love. Then one day, they were sitting on their mat together. I-Bliss came along and cut off the boy's head. PSYLOCKE: Who's I-Bliss? Are you sure it wasn't Jason Voorhees? FREDDY: Were they making out? STORM: No, it wasn't Jason and they were just sitting together. LANCE: Oh, so this I-Bliss just had nothing better to do with his time then hack people's heads off? STORM: He was the King of the Evil Genies and it doesn't say why he did it. JAMES: Evil Genies?! That's as bad as the Fuzzy Blue Aliens That Look Like Rabid Hamsters! LANCE: (rolls his eyes) Where do they come up with these names? STORM: Does it matter? Shut up so I can finish. (pause) Where was I? TARA: Headless boyfriend. --Several people choke on their drinks and whatever else they could be choking on-- STORM: Right. I-Bliss cut off the boy's head. Obviously, he killed the boy as we assume he could not live without his head. PASYLOCKE: Although around here, it may be possible. LUCY: Freaky but true. I believe there's supposed to be two headless living people in the next Forbidden Spoof. TARA: We didn't need to know that. STORM: The girl could do nothing but sit on her mat and cry. PSYLOCKE: Why didn't she kick his ass? I would have. STORM: She's not you, and he's an Evil Genie. She can't kick his ass. AUDREY: I don't know. Jenny kicked Julian's ass pretty good. STORM: Since when are you in the story? All of you shut up! DOT: (throws a shoe at Audrey) Yeah, shut up and let her finish. STORM: Then the boy's parents came along and they saw what happened and they started to cry too. TARA: They didn't blame the girl? STORM: It doesn't say. LANCE: Figures. STORM: Then the Evil Genie, I-Bliss came back and waved his hand. The ground shook -- TARA: Are you sure it wasn't Lance? STORM: Lance is not an Evil Genie. LEGOLAS: That's debatable. STORM: (shut up and quit interrupting!) ALL: Sorry. STORM: Dont be sorry, be QUIET! ALL: SORRY! STORM: Do you want me to finish this or not? TARA: We'll be quiet. Really. Please finish the story. STORM: (continues) The Earth rocked, and in front of the decapitated boy, there appeared a river of fire, a river of water, and a river of cobras. MURDOC: WHERE!? RYAN: In the story, not here. MURDOC: Right. I knew that. Continue. STORM: The Evil Genie turned to the parents and said, "All you have to do is swim through all three rivers and the boy will come back to life." JAMES: Pass. STORM: The boy's parents, who obviously didn't love the boy that much, were too chicken and refused. MURDOC: Sick. MACGYVER: YOU wouldn't even walk through a river of snakes for your own SISTER! You have no room to talk! MURDOC: That was for my SISTER! If it were my DAUGHTER, I WOULD! (pause) And then afterwards, I'd personally blow up the person who put her there to start with, so whoever wishes to test that statement, be my guest! --Crickets chirp-- MURDOC: Didn't think so. (turns to Storm) You may continue. STORM: Anyhow the girl jumped up. "I'll do it." She said. Of course she was afraid, but her love was stronger than her fear, so she jumped into the river of fire. JAMES: Crispy. TARA: Very. STORM: The fire burned her of course. . . like fire. PSYLOCKE: Well we wouldn't expect fire to burn her any other way, would we? STORM: But she swam through anyway, and then dove into the river of water. YAKKO: I bet that was refreshing. STORM: The water choked her. . . like water. TARA: Why? Could she not swim? JAMES: Not after she got fried extra crispy. STORM: Ahem? TARA&JAMES: Shutting up. STORM: (continues) Then she went into the river of snakes. ALL: (wince) STORM: The snakes struck at her. PAYLOCKE: Like snakes. JAMES: No, I thought they would strike like caterpillars. WAKKO: Caterpillars strike? STORM: One more interruption and I'm having a tornado in here. AUTHOR: Cool, I'll get the camera. CYNDI: I've already got one. TARA: We're quiet. Really. ALL STORM CHASERS: (Wolvie pout) STORM: The girl managed to get through the snakes. As soon as she reached the boy, his head flew back onto his shoulders and he jumped up, alive and well. I-Bliss left cursing, and the couple lived happily ever after. TARA: She didn't die of snake venom? Wow, there's a shocker. SVEN: How did his head fly? CHRIS: And why didn't it fly to his neck instead of his shoulders? Did he not have a neck? LUCY: I suppose we should be relieved that this severed head didn't talk like the last one did. ROMANO: Man, this lady had a thing for severed heads. ARCHIE: Nasty. LANCE: (shrugs) Whatever floats your boat, I guess. So what's that story got to do with us? TARA: (hits him over the head with the book) Fire walk. Read the script and shut up. It means love is stronger than fear. ROMANO: So's the need to have this spoof over with. Story's over. Back to work. --The extra people exit the living room leaving the actual game players.-- AUTHOR: Skip the babybusters and go to the line about Jessie. TARA: (finds her place) We're going to get Jessie, Warren, and Evan back. JAMES: I know. I read the script. STORM: I wish I could help, but my fighting days are over for this set of stories. PSYLOCKE: Well mine aren't. (evil grin) LIZZIE: Storm is proud of her warrior grandchild. PSYLOCKE: Wait, Evan is Storm's nephew, does that make him my Uncle? AUTHOR: I suppose it could. PSYLOCKE: Confusing, considering he's younger than I am. ARDETH: Join the other weird families. My niece is older than I am. (Nikki_Cutthroat Island Spoof) AUTHOR: Go on. TARA: It's our fight anyway. He's just including the original game players . . . and Evan, of course. LEGOLAS: That was an accident. Quit stressing it. SVEN: Aw, but we like to stress things. STORM: I think that if anyone can find your friends, Tara, it's you. JAMES: Only because the rest of us are supposed to be captured first. ROMANO: Before they left, they steal everything in the fridge, just so they don't have to look at Spidey's hunk of superintelligent mold. STORM: Ugh, I don't blame them. AUTHOR: Me neither. I'm hungry. (pause) But please continue the spoof. We need to finish this. LIZZIE: They go back to Jessie's to pick up her car. TARA: We can't lift it and we got the car when we got her stuff. How do you think we got to Storm's house? LIZZIE: Whatever. Just drive the car back to Spidey's-- I mean James place. CHAPTER NINE: "THE CONCLUSION"///. . . FINALLY SPIDEY'S --I MEAN JAMES' PLACE ROMANO: James livingroom is beginning to look like the aftermath of one long party. The furniture has been pushed as far to the sides of the room as possible, making room for matresses, sleeping bags, and any flat surface is littered with coke cans, dirty dishes and dirty clothes. TARA: Yeah, but the dirty dishes and clothes were there before we got here. ROMANO: Beside the point. Psylocke comes in to eat cottage cheese and sit on a footstool. PSYLOCKE: Do I have to? ROMANO: Yes. PSYLOCKE: (sighs and sits down to eat her cottage cheese) So what about the base? TARA: We don't have enough information. Obviously he's not going to put anyone in any abandoned building around here because that would be too obvious. JAMES: In mysteries, things are always hidden in the least likely place. . . or the most obvious. LANCE: Explaining why the paper house was at the mall. JAMES: Exactly. And of course the base can't be in the paper house. LEGOLAS: It can't? Gee, I guess I'd better move it then. LANCE: (rolls his eyes) Very funny. TARA: (seriously) It isn't in the paper house, is it? LEGOLAS: Wouldn't YOU like to know? JULIAN: (looks disgusted) ROMANO: No, it's not in the paper house. JAMES: How do WE know that? AUTHOR: Because the paper house blew up, that's why! LEGOLAS: Seriously, it isn't in the paper house. I was teasing. Carry on. JAMES: Well then I guess the "More Games" store would be too obvious, too. TARA: Too obvious and also not there anymore. PSYLOCKE: So Julian would put it somewhere clever and hard but easy to find. Where would Legolas put it? TARA: Mirkwood? SVEN: Not in THIS story. TARA: Well, I sincerely doubt he's going to tell me before it's too late. LIZZIE: So they discuss and discuss until some lady knocks on the door and orders them to move Jessie's car because it's in her spot. TARA: How does she know the car's owners here? Jessie doesn't live here. MICHAEL: No, but Audrey visited a lot. JAMES: Shut up and butt out. PSYLOCKE: Well it's been a lovely game and all but I'm gonna go now. Take care and good luck with the rest of it. (walks out to move the car) TARA: Well, isn't SHE the optimistic one? ROMANO: And even though it's warm out, frost appears on the window and letters appear in the frost as if someone is writting. TARA: (reading) "TELL JESSIE I'M SORRY ABOUT THE CAR AND YOU'VE JUST LOST BETSY. LOVE LEGOLAS." Oh how nice of him to let us know that. AUTHOR: AACK!!!! NOT THE CAR!!!!! LIZZIE: Tara calls Lance and they both go running and that's the end of that chapter. ALL: (standing ovation) CHAPTER 13 OF THE BOOK, NOT THE SPOOF--WE'RE STILL AT CHAPTER NINE IN THE SPOOF PARKING GARAGE JAMES: What on earth is her car doing here anyway? I don't even USE the parking garage! PSYLOCKE: I don't know who put it here. LEGOLAS: (whistles innocently) JAMES: Maybe we should put all the cars in here. If one of our parents drives by, they'll think we're having a big party. PSYLOCKE: Don't be silly. Our parents read the script. We're only here so I can get kidnapped. (gets into the car) Oh look, dog hair. (picks it off the seat) BITES: *I resent that. I am not a dog* JAMES: WOAH! PSYLOCKE: GET OUT! BITES: (confused) *Me or the James human?* PSYLOCKE: (rolls her eyes) Him. (pause) And you! This is a rental! Nobody wants dog smell in it! BITES: (growls) *Now I am VERY insulted!* JAMES: (jumps out of the car) PSYLOCKE: (hits the accelerator and jumps out of the car) --The car slams into the Parking Garage wall with Bites inside. Bites, who of course was not belted in, slams into the windshield, shattering it and lays still--Cassie and the wolfpack scream in outrage and pain-- PSYLOCKE &JAMES: (staring) ALL: (dead silence) --Tara, Lance, Legolas, Cassie and Carter come running up-- PSYLOCKE: (now sitting on the mangled hood, holding the wolf and crying) I'm SORRY! I didn't mean to hurt him! (loud sobs) SUMMER: Umm... JENNY: No, that did not happen. AUDREY: Just checking. JULIAN: Is he okay? HARLEY: (beside his son) *He is alive.* CARTER: Knocked his head pretty bad and he's hurt his right front leg. I can have him fixed up in a bit. LEGOLAS: (nods) Concussion? CARTER: (checks Bites' eyes) Not too bad. The car wasn't moving fast enough to seriously hurt him. He'll have a bad headache for a while. PSYLOCKE: (still crying) I didn't mean to hurt him! It was an ACCIDENT! AUTHOR: Okay then, Bites has to go to MedLab, but Betsy has to go with Legolas. PSYLOCKE: Can't I go to MedLab with Bites first? LEGOLAS: You go with me. (pause, looking at Betsy) To MedLab! (grabs Betsy's hand and heads into MedLab) ROMANO: Where were we? AUTHOR: Jameson, that car's a rental. JAMESON: Got it. (fixes the car) JAMES: Not to be a buzzkill but I think I sprained my ankle. ROMANO: (walks over to check) I'd say you might have fractured it. (works the shoe off) JAMES: (screams in pain) ROMANO: Definitely fractured. Please run Mr. Morgan into MedLab! ROSS & GREENE: (help James into a wheelchair and take him away) TARA: Now what? ROMANO: Now you pull the paperdoll out of the car and we take a quick break. AUTHOR: Yeah. We have to do a little negotiating with a big puddy tat, Rob. ROMANO: Got it. Breaktime, everyone! FIVE HOURS LATER --Author and Assistants return, talking. ARCHIE: (yawns) Well, that was exciting. ROMANO: That was one tough kitty. AUTHOR: Hey he owns the place. We play by his rules. FREDDY: (pouting) I don't like him. LIZZIE: Cheer up, you're still in the other spoofs. I think we got off lucky. SVEN: What's up? Apart from the sky? AUTHOR: We had to meet conditions and the following people cannot be in the next spoof. Freddy Kreuger. FREDDY: (still pouting) AUTHOR: Glory and Imhotep. GLORY: WHAT?! IMHOTEP: We'll have newborns at that time anyway. GLORY: Oh yeah. Right. No problem. (yes Glory is pregnant with twins, this was announced in Titanic) AUTHOR: (continues) Anya, Angelus, Drusilla and Jason Voorhees, Harmony-- SPIKE: She hasn't been in much anyway. AUTHOR: And Julian. JULIAN: Why? ROMANO: His reasons are his own and we don't argue. We're lucky he even remotely agreed at all. AUTHOR: Hey, it's only for this one spoof! Most of you are casted in others! SPIKE: So how come I'm allowed in? I'm guessing this kitty doesn't like Vampires. AUTHOR: You have a soul, the others don't. And he flat out refused Freddy and Jason. Something about not wanting anymore evil than he already has. LIZZIE: Anything else we'll discuss later. We need to get back to this story. Are James and Bites okay? LEGOLAS: Bites has a bad headache and James, well.... JAMES: (on crutches) I had to have a cast. LEGOLAS: Anyway, Betsy's down with the others now. AUTHOR: Right, okay then. Back to the spoof. James' apartment. BACK TO THE SPOOF// JAMES' APARTMENT LIZZIE: Since James is in a cast, we'll skip the Ace bandage, and just say the lines. JAMES: He's going to get us all. He's not giving us enough time to get to each person before he takes them. LANCE: Actually, the last two times, we had plenty of time. Things were just weird. TARA: True. JAMES: But we'll never find the base in time. --Silence-- JAMES: Well somebody say something positive. LEGOLAS: I'm going to win. JAMES: That isn't positive. LEGOLAS: Speak for yourselves. It's positive for ME. TARA: (to Legolas) You aren't in this scene. ROMANO: And they're all staring at a blank TV screen. LANCE: Oh come on! If we're going to be staring at it anyway, can't it at least be ON!? LIZZIE: Script! They call Warren's family to say he's staying with Lance. DONOVAN: I can't believe they fell for that. JENNY: Niether can I. AUTHOR: (checks watch) I need a pill. (swallows one) ROMANO: Okay, Tara admits James is right and they need another clue to find the base. LIZZIE: On to the next dream with Legolas. THE NEXT DREAM WITH LEGOLAS ROMANO: She finds herself in a white room-- LUCY: Is it padded? TARA: Very funny. JENNY: No, but by then I was NEEDING a padded room. ROMANO: Ahem. A white room with a cute model version of her town on a table, like in Beetlejuice. TARA: Cool! There's my house, and there's my swimming pool! --Beside the table, Legolas is holding the paper dolls of Lance and Bites--He is making the wolf eat Lance while having Lance scream in horror-- LEGOLAS: (as Lance) NO NO!!!! DON'T KILL ME!!!! I BEG YOU FOR MERCY!!! (picks up the doll of himself) No mercy! YOU WILL DIE!!! NO PLEASE!!! (screaming) ALL: Huh? JULIAN: (puts the bag back on) TARA: Are we getting to my dream anytime soon? LEGOLAS: (jumps and hides the paper dolls) Don't you even KNOCK!? TARA: Sorry, I just appeared here. LEGOLAS: Did you see anything? TARA: No, I didn't see you playing with the paper dolls. ALL REAL CHARACTERS: (laughing hysterically) JENNY: (eating popcorn) Good one! JULIAN: That is just SICK! ROMANO: Oookaay then. HALDIR: (shakes head) He's definitely broken. ARAGORN: Did you get that on film? BOB: Yep. ARAGORN: I want a copy. HALDIR: Me too! Galadriel and Elrond will never believe this! ROMANO: Eh, back to the story. LEGOLAS: (shrugs) What's black inside, white outside, and hot? TARA: Huh? LEGOLAS: A wolf in sheep's clothing. TARA: Sheep don't wear clothes. PIPPIN: What if it's a black sheep? LEGOLAS: Moving on. TARA: You're a wolf in sheep's clothing? LEGOLAS: No, I'm a wolf in wolf's clothing. HARLEY: *Wolves do not wear clothes either.* LEGOLAS: Yes well if I ran around with no clothes, I'd get attacked by rabid fan girls. TARA: Well aren't YOU modest? LEGOLAS: What can I say? It's happened before. (Forbidden 1) Shall we continue now? LIZZIE: She can't imagine how she ever mistook him for a human now. TARA: He's an elf. Nobody could mistake him for anything else. ROMANO: Beside the point. Go on. LEGOLAS: So what do you think of the new game? TARA: It isn't fair. LEGOLAS: So? TARA: It isn't sporting. It isn't a game if we don't have a chance. LEGOLAS: You don't think you have a chance? TARA: Not without some kind of information. LEGOLAS: (laughing) You want a hint? TARA: Yes. You'd give it to me if you wanted this to be a sporting game, but you probably don't. DEE: Reverse psychology. Nice one, Sunshine. JULIAN: I didn't fall for that. AUTHOR: We don't care. Back to the story. We're three quarters through now. LEGOLAS: You really think I'm an ogre, don't you? TARA: (horrified) NEVER! LANCE: I rest my case. ROMANO: Shut up, you're supposed to be sleeping. Don't make me call Jigglypuff! LANCE: Oh no! (mock horror) Not that! Help! The pink balloon with blue eyes is gonna get me! JIGGLYPUFF: (glares) PUFF! (does a double slap attack on Lance and walks off with her nose in the air) LANCE: I hate that thing. FREDDY: (glares) Sit down and act like you're sleeping! ROMANO: Right then. Back to the story. Legolas threatens Snaggle. WAGNER: Go ahead. Ve don't mind. SUMMER: (stares) JENNY: He didn't do it. LEGOLAS: Why would I want Snaggle? It's bad enough I have to have Lance. TARA: Tell me about it. LIZZIE: Ahem? TARA: Right, so you made them play Lambs and Monsters? LEGOLAS: Not that I know of. They were just fighting that day. Look it up. TARA: I'll take your word for it. LEGOLAS: Anyhow, war is life. They don't need anyone to make them fight. They do it just fine by themselves. SVEN: Good point. You don't see them much not fighting. PIPPIN: That goes for most of the set. SPARROW: True. (grins) Bu' sometimes we need the fightin'. It keeps things from getting boring. ADAMA: Some of us would rather do without the fighting, thanks. JULIAN: So tell your son and his girlfriend to stop trying to kill each other and sleep together like NORMAL couples! LEE: (Calvin face) Pass. KARA: You wish. CHRIS: Oh way to go. Get 'em started again. We really don't need to discuss this now. SVEN: No kidding, Jack, there's children present! Apologize! SPARROW: (to Nicky) Sorry. NICKY: (singing) Lee and Kara sitting in a tree N-E-C-K-I-N-G! LEE: Okay, step back. I'm gonna shoot him. MR PIKE: (pulls a gun) I wouldn't if I were you. That's MY son. Nicholas, stop it! NICKY: (Wolvie pout) MALLORY: Where did Dad get a gun? AUTHOR: Me. Just in case. What are the odds that Nicky would say something offensive? Most of what comes out of his mouth is offensive. Besides, most of the set has guns anyway. ROMANO: Okay, now that that's out of the way, back to the spoof. Tara has to turn around and look away because he's turning her on. JULIAN: (yanks the bag off) I KNEW IT!!!! JENNY: (turns bright red) SVEN: I thought we weren't going to discuss that. NICKY: (snickering) ROMANO: It was in the script this time. DEE: Traitor. JENNY: Oh shut up. YOU thought he was cute at one time, you know. AUDREY: But we were way over it by that time. AUTHOR: Story! This has nothing to do with YOU! This story is about Tara and Legolas. SUMMER: He's pretty cute too. LEGOLAS: (grins and strikes a pose) TARA: MINE! ROMANO: Ugh, barf bag please. AUTHOR: I have a headache, and I need a vomit pill. Can we get back to the story now? LEGOLAS: Love and death are everything and danger is the best part of the game. TARA: That's a matter of opinion. LEGOLAS: I would have thought you'd know that. TARA: And I thought I was going to get a hint now. LEGOLAS: Nothing comes for free. TARA: Hint first. If I let you kiss me first, I'll forget to ask about the hint. JULIAN: (laughing) JENNY: I didn't say that. JULIAN: But it WAS true. JENNY: Shut up! This story isn't about us. ROMANO: So glad you remembered that. So butt out already! Legolas, give her the hint. LEGOLAS: You can find your friends behind a door. TARA: That is SO helpful. What kind of door? One I've seen? LEGOLAS: Yes. TARA: Have I been through it? LEGOLAS: I doubt it. TARA: What kind of answer is that? LEGOLAS: It's as clear as black and white if you know how to look at it. (grins) Now the price. (kisses Tara) ROMANO: And she controls herself to remain riged and unrespon-- HEY! Cut it out! LEGOLAS &TARA: (separate from a VERY responsive kiss) LEGOLAS: Sorry. TARA: Couldn't help it. Heat of the moment and all. ROMANO: (makes a face) Right. Continue. LEGOLAS: Let's stop playing now. We don't really need to play this Game anymore. Don't you want your friends back? TARA: I'll GET them back. It's in the script. LEGOLAS: (shrugs) I admire your confidence, but you can't win. I'm the master player. ZACH: And he commented on HER over-confidence. JENNY: I know. He's so modest. JULIAN: Shadowmen don't have modesty. MICHAEL: Tell us something we DON'T know. LEGOLAS: Can we get back to US now? Maybe before Cassi leaves again? AUTHOR: Going nowhere yet. I seriously DO wanna finish this mess soon. TARA: A door I probably have never been through that needs to be looked at just the right way. LEGOLAS: A door that is in the Shadows. But you won't find it until I take you through it. ROMANO: The Shadows are growing and the dream fades away as Tara wakes up. LEGOLAS: (hands her the silver rose from the first Forbidden Spoof) You forgot this last time. TARA: Oh thanks! I wondered where it went. LIZZIE: Wake up time. Back in Spidey's apartment. BACK IN SPIDEY'S APARTMENT ROMANO: Tara wakes up, finding the rose on her pillow, with a small piece of paper on the stem. TARA: (shakes James awake) Wake up! I've got the next clue! (looks down at the paper and frowns) I think. JAMES: What language is that? TARA: French I think. JAMES: (reading) "Pass dee lie-you quay nouse." AUDREY: Ouch, he butchered that one. HORATIO: (frowns) That doesn't make any sense. LANCE: Can you keep it down? I was trying to sleep. TARA: (glares) We've got the next clue. LANCE: (glances at it) How long did you kiss him for THIS time? TARA: Oh shut up. JAMES: I'll see if there's a French dictionary here somewhere. TARA: Or we could just ask Lt. Hornblower. HORATIO: I already said it doesn't make any sense. It's just random words. Not even a complete sentence. BUSH: Are you sure it wasn't just his pronounciation? HORATIO: (says the phrase the right way) And it STILL doesn't mean anything. LANCE: Great. You kissed him for nothing. ARCHIE: (frowns) Wait. . . ROMANO: So they find a dictionary the next day. JAMES: But we-- ROMANO: I'm reading the script! Like you should be. ARCHIE: (is repeating the phrase to himself, quietly. . . when he stops, and walks over to say something quietly to Horatio) HORATIO: (shakes his head) ARCHIE: (shrugs and returns to his seat) JAMES: (ignoring this interlude) It's me, I know it. TARA: Quit being so paranoid. We don't know who's next. (points at Lance) We just need to stay together. LANCE: Fat lot of good it did Betsy and Jessie. JAMES: He's going to get us all. LIZZIE: It's dark and stuffy in the apartment and the sky is gray outside. Tara feels like a rat in a trap, so she tries thinking about the base instead of the meaningless French clue. ROMANO: She'd already told them about the door, and if she didn't, they have scripts. Anyhow, Lance is pacing the room, waring a hole through the ratty carpet and James is counting spots on the wall. JAMES: Actually I was counting dead bugs in the light fixture, but go on. LIZZIE: Tara is tired and trying not to fall asleep. . . TARA: (is snoring) ROMANO: Since she's fallen asleep, just move on to the next scene. LANCE: (exits the room, with a sigh if relief) Bout time. JAMES: (knocks over a TV tray, waking her up) TARA: (jumps three feet in the air) WHAT?! JAMES: Sorry. (picks it up) ROMANO: It says that all James' hair is sticking up, but given the length of James' hair, that would be quite a sight. JAMES: It is not either sticking up. ROMANO: (ignores him) Tara is reminded of a pet hampster by looking at him. AUDREY: (laughing) MICHAEL: (flatly) Thanks. JENNY: Sorry, I was really tired that day. TARA: What time is it? JAMES: The script says four in the morning, but it's about nine in the morning. ROMANO: She notices Lance is wrapped up in his sleeping bag, with his head covered, and she is relieved he's getting some sleep. TARA: (frowns) Wouldn't that smother him? SVEN: It matters? It's just Lance. TARA: (shrugs) ROMANO: She starts thinking of the French words again, and realizes that if you pronounce them correctly, they DO actually say something. . . in English. TARA: (considers it) Oh, okay! HORATIO: (blinks) ARCHIE: See? I TOLD you so! JAMES: What? What am I not getting? TARA: (repeats the phrase the right way) It says "Paddle your own canoe." JULIAN: (to Jenny) Took you long enough. TARA: So what the heck does a canoe have to do with this? JAMES: Water? TARA: Well yeah, but we're all-- Wait, did Lance run off? JAMES: Um yeah. He really just left, but he was supposed to have said he was going to the creek where MadChris was found. He didn't think the base was there, but he's supposed to take out Arbok and Bites, or is it Harley now? TARA: (rolls her eyes) He has to be an idiot. He went right into a trap and now WE'LL have to go find him. JAMES: He was supposed to have told me to keep you here. TARA: But since he didn't. . . we're going anyway. Besides, Legolas can get us anywhere. Does it make any difference where we go? JAMES: Good point. (follows her out the door) ROMANO: (grins) Next chapter! ALL: (cheering) AUTHOR: That means we have only THREE more until the end of the book! ALL: (cheer louder) TARA: And this is where we lose LANCE! --Standing ovation-- ROMANO: Anyhow, Chapter 14! To the creek! CHAPTER 14! TO THE CREEK! LIZZIE: Lance had never shot a gun before. LANCE: Says you. LIZZIE: Shut up! I'm narrating! Anyway, this one he had stolen from Burt Gummer's rec. room. BURT: Put it back! LANCE: I need it. It's in the script. BURT: You can't shoot Harley or Arbok! Put it back! LANCE: I have to have a gun! It's in the script! BURT: (shrugs, then quietly turns to Earl) That one isn't even loaded. ROMANO: He did not care what happened when the owner found out because he did not plan to be there. He was on a suicide mission. LIZZIE: Obviously there are no doors on the mountain, but he figured that if he could take out the Creeper and the Lurker, Tara's chances were better. ROMANO: He'd had this idea way back when Jessie had first disappeared, but didn't say anything because he wanted to do things his own way. DEE: (rolls her eyes) Men. LIZZIE: He would have told Betsy but someone had to protect Tara, because she's so helpless. AUDREY: Pigheaded jerk. JULIAN: I never thought she was helpless. (grins) That's what I liked about her. JENNY: (rolls her eyes) AUTHOR: Back to the story, people. LANCE: Actually, I'm doing this to get captured, so we can end this whole mess soon. ROMANO: Whatever. We read it, we don't write it. Anyhow, he still thinks Legolas wants him dead. JULIAN: Not really, but after he killed my wolf, I THOUGHT about killing him. (looks sad) He was my pet. SUMMER: Oh the poor wolf. OTHERS: (stare at her) SUMMER: Well, if someone had shot MY dog, I wouldn't be happy either. AUTHOR: She has a point. ROMANO: True. I'd personally disembowel the person who'd try to kill mine. AUTHOR: Same here. Either of them. Wertzel is 12 and a half, and my mom considers her to be the first grandbaby. [Wertzel (yiddish word meaning "dustball")-- she is now almost 15 years of age -in Jan12 --which tells you how long ago this was written] MICHAEL: I don't suppose the fact that they were attacking us matters then, does it? JULIAN: They weren't trying to KILL you, only capture. Did I shoot any of YOUR team members? SVEN: They're right. Tom was out of line. JENNY: (sighs) Okay already. Would it make you feel better if I bought you a puppy? JULIAN: (considers it) I suppose that would be good. . . but Tommy has to apologize. AUDREY: Good luck getting that out of him. AUTHOR: Either he apologizes or Julian gets to kill him. . . twice. One for each pet. JENNY: He already killed him once. MURDOC: No, he didn't. I did. It doesn't count. (Jurassic ///) JULIAN: (nods) Okay, but I get to pick the puppy. AUDREY: I'll even help pay for it. SUMMER: Me too. JULIAN: (looks surprised) DEE: (sighs) I think we all should pay for it. Julian DID save Jenny's life a couple times. (twice in the books and once in Jurassic spoof ///) It's the least we can do. OTHERS: (nod in agreement) ZACH: You want a new snake too? JULIAN: Nah, that's okay. A puppy is just fine. Thank you. AUTHOR: Right then. Now that that's out of the way, Lance has to get captured. LANCE: (throws the gun to Burt and sighs) Now I can't do this! Come and get me, I give up! HARLEY: *Where is the fun in THAT?!* LEGOLAS: Have it your own way. (pulls a hole out and kicks Lance into it, before putting it back into its box) ROMANO: Harley and Arbok! You're dead! Take your seats, you did a beautiful job, as did Bites. We're proud of you all. You've more than earned your Oscars for both spoofs. BITES: (limps out of the Medlab and bows to wild applause) ARBOK: Cha! (blushes and bows) --As soon as the applause dies down, James and Tara reach the scene.-- JAMES: What did we miss? LEGOLAS: Just Bites, Harley, and Arbok's exit. TARA: Lance didn't-- LEGOLAS: No. (hands her the Lance paper doll) But you lost another friend. TARA: Well yeah, but it was just Lance. LEGOLAS: (to James) You're next. (vanishes) JAMES: Great. Thanks for the motivation. TARA: At least he didn't hurt Harley and Arbok. JAMES: Jessie should be happy about that. (leans over and picks a paper boat off the ground) Cute. TARA: (takes it) Let's go. ROMANO: When they get back to the apartment, they find out that the boat is the next clue. TARA: It is? Oops. (pulls it out of the trashcan and reads it) "What gets bigger the more you take away from it?" JAMES: That would be a hole. (sighs) But isn't that how he took everyone? TARA: (shrugs) JAMES: Great. There's a hole somewhere and I'm going to fall into it. TARA: Maybe. . . is it still May? AUTHOR: Yeah, three years after we first started. JAMES: Right. . . we'll never find it. TARA: Oh quit whining, He said it was as clear as black and white and that it needs to be looked at the right way, and something about image and reality. (grins) So it's a door in a picture! Like the 'More Games' store! JAMES: (wide eyed) A black and white picture! JULIAN: (stares) They're faster then Jenny! TARA: I seem to remember a black and white picture of a door in Warren's garage! JAMES: (picks up the book) That's what the script says. Are you sure he'll do that? The Game wasn't where it was supposed to be. TARA: Well we won't know until we try it, will we? Come on! JAMES: But I have to go to the bathroom. TARA: So. . . go. JAMES: If I go in there, he'll get me. TARA: Aren't you a little old to be afraid of the potty monster? JAMES: Hey, the toilet is a hole, and I'm next. ARCHIE: He's going to fall into the toilet? AUTHOR: (shrugs) TARA: (to James) The potty monster isn't going to get you. MICHAEL: (is bright red and grabbing for a bag) --The entire set is in hysterics-- CLAIRE: There's a monster in the potty? MARGO: No, he's just being a baby. JENNY: Okay, I have to admit. That WAS a little ridiculous. JULIAN: That was a riot. I near laughed myself sick. JAMES: (pointedly) I didn't say the POTTY MONSTER was going to get me! I said LEGOLAS was! There's a difference! TARA: Well, I suppose he's supposed to get him anyway. I'll wait right outside the door. JAMES: Why don't you just go find the door and let me get captured by myself? TARA: Suit yourself. (exits) JAMES: Wait! I was JOKING! (realizes Tara has left the building) Figures. --James turns to go into the bathroom, and walks right into Legolas-- LEGOLAS: (holds out the portable hole) JAMES: Can I at least use the bathroom first? LEGOLAS: Go when you GET there! I have to stop Tara before she wins! JAMES: Well, I'm kind of on her side. I'll be out in a few minutes. LEGOLAS: That's what you think! (kicks him into the hole and vanishes) JULIAN: Well done. JENNY: He better go fast. Tara took the rental car. ROMANO: Shall we go to Warren's garage? AUTHOR: Might as well. She'll be lucky she doesn't get a speeding ticket, the way she peeled out of the parking area. WARREN'S GARAGE TARA: (is standing in the garage, checking her watch) Oh Shadowelf! Where are you? LEGOLAS: Nice of you to wait. TARA: Script says I go at the last minute, while you distract me and try to make me go through the hole. LEGOLAS: (aghast) Distract you?! ME?! Why would I do that?! TARA: So I can just go then? LEGOLAS: Of course. JULIAN: What's he doing? TARA: (cautiously takes two steps toward the door) LEGOLAS: Well, there was one thing. TARA: Uh huh. Right. (crosses her arms expectantly) LEGOLAS: (tosses her a box) TARA: (frowns) This isn't in the script. (opens it and stares in shock) LEGOLAS: Will you marry me? ALL: (dead silence) TARA: You're serious? LEGOLAS: (grins) TARA: (rushes back and throws her arms around him) I THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER ASK!!! ALL: (staring) LEGOLAS: Is that a yes? TARA: (lets him put the very nicely made elven ring onto her finger, after he removes the one from the Game) YES! Absolutely YES! GLORY: Oh how romantic! AUTHOR: Ehhh. . . TARA: (kisses Legolas, not seeing the portable hole behind her) Darling? LEGOLAS: What? TARA: I'm sorry. LEGOLAS: About what? TARA: (turns around and shoves Legolas into the hole) I love you! (runs for the door) ROMANO: (laughing) Oh that was priceless! SVEN: Just imagine when they tell their kids about the proposal. LUCY: Yeah, and we got it on video. JULIAN: I don't believe I just saw that. JENNY: (staring) Me neither. LIZZIE: Into the Shadow Cafeteria. THE SHADOW CAFETERIA LIZZIE: And somewhere in that mess, we ended another chapter. ROMANO: Oh thank God. Only two left! TARA: (pushes through the door and walks in) Hi guys! JESSIE: (blinks) About time! It's been AGES! EVAN: I've been here the longest. TARA: Yes, well if you'd followed your script, you wouldn't have been IN this whole mess! EVAN: So I've been told. PSYLOCKE: James told us you'd be here any minute, but that was fifteen minutes ago! What's up? TARA: (looks up) A big hole. Why? JESSIE: (jumps up and grabs Tara's hand) OH MAN!!! LOOK AT THIS!! When's the wedding?! Can I be a bridesmaid?! WARREN: Wow, that's some rock! LANCE: Oh you traitor! I KNEW this was going to happen! TARA: Hey! I pushed my future husband into a hole to save you people! How about a little gratitude? JAMES: (shrugs) Thank you. And Congrats! Are we all invited? TARA: Of course! After these two spoofs together? You guys are FAMILY! WARREN: Not to ruin a happy scene here, but can we get out of here already? TARA: Right. I won. (looks around) JESSIE: So what? We staying or going? EVAN: Are you sure he's not mad at you? LEGOLAS: Never! I was just making you sweat. LANCE: So how do we get out? LEGOLAS: (in a duh tone) Walk through the door. That really should be a no-brainer. PSYLOCKE: What's the catch? LEGOLAS: Dr. Elizabeth? The catch please. LIZZIE: (stands up and sets the place on fire) I hope you all brought your sunblock. JAMES: (stepping back) Are you kidding?! He didn't even let me use the bathroom, much less grab sunblock! LANCE: (to Betsy) You just had to ask about the catch, didn't you? PSYLOCKE: Sorry Tara, I may have to strangle your fiancee. JESSIE: After he gave her a ring like THAT?! That thing must cost a fortune in the REAL world. TARA: I think they made it. He IS a prince, you know. (dreamily) I'm marrying a prince. . . and he's gorgeous. LANCE: If you can possibly stop discussing the wedding, don't we have to get out of here before we become crispy critters? TARA: (rolls her eyes) The situation has not changed. We just have to walk through the door. BUFFY: Time to Walk Through the Fire. AUTHOR: Hey, I liked that song. You guys were great! SPIKE: Thanks. It was . . . different. PSYLOCKE: Walk through THAT!? Are you nuts?! I'm getting blisters just standing HERE! TARA: Hello! Remember story time? JESSIE: Something about a talking severed head. TARA: Wrong story time. You missed the second one. The fire's not real. We just have REALLY vivid imaginations. JAMES: I think she's ready for the Funny Farm. ARCHIE: Who on this set isn't? TARA: Beside the point. I'm going through it. EVAN: Not by yourself, you're not. ROMANO: (shouting to make himself heard over the fire) She's supposed to go with Lance! LANCE: Right! To prove love is stronger than fear! HELLO! She got engaged to the ENEMY! I'm not walking through fire for THAT! EVAN: (shrugs) I'll go. JESSIE: If you're going, I'm going. PSYLOCKE: Heck, I'm not staying here with Lance. I'm going. JENNY: They're messing it up again. WARREN: I'll go. JAMES: You're all INSANE! JESSIE: (rolls her eyes) Oh come on, James! Don't be such a baby! (yanks him up onto his crutches) ROMANO: Do we allow this? AUTHOR: This would put us into the final chapter. ROMANO: (grins) GO FOR THE DOOR! LEGOLAS: And hurry! The picture's burning off the wall! WARREN: Wait, what about the garage? LEGOLAS: It isn't going any farther than the picture. GO! (starts dancing in the flames) I'm GETTING MARRIED!!!! ARAGORN: He's lost it. (laughing) GIMLI: I get to be the Best Dwarf. PIPPIN: (grinning) I knew he was planning to do that. SPARROW: Ah, a wedding! I LOVE weddings! Drinks all around! (starts dancing with Lucy) TARA: (steps out of the fire, holding Evan's hand) Woah, that was so neat! JESSIE: (who was holding Evan's other hand) What, the fire-walk or Legolas's dancing? TARA: What do you think? (wolf whistle) He CAN dance, can't he? CHRIS: Oooh, fire pretty. MURDOC: Sit down. CHRIS: (pouting) JESSIE: I think I'm going to have to throw this dress in the trash. It's way beyond repair. WARREN: (blinks) Wow, toasty in there. PSYLOCKE: (who had been helping James on his crutches) We have a problem! OTHERS: What? PSYLOCKE: I think James tripped. JESSIE: JAMES!? Wait it can't be James! (bolts back for the smoldering picture) EVAN: (holds her back) You CAN'T! JESSIE: But JAMES!!! He's my BEST FRIEND!!! He's not supposed to get stuck! (collapses into tears on Evan's shoulder as the picture completely turns black) WARREN: Oops, I think it was me that was supposed to get stuck, but James was a bit slower with the crutches. ROMANO: We'll just go with it. LEGOLAS: (walks out of the blackened picture) Um, it's okay. I pulled him out of the fire. He's with Lance in the Shadow World. TARA: Oh thank you! LEGOLAS: But I DID get you an engagement present. TARA: You did? LEGOLAS: (reaches into the blackened picture and pulls out Kitty Pryde2) Cassi said it was okay since she's postponing "The Kill." KITTY2: (looks around) Like what happened? Did we win in the Paper House? TARA: I'm getting married. KITTY2: Really! That's TOTALLY COOL! To who? LEGOLAS: (grins proudly) KITTY2: Um, Tara? He's like the bad guy. TARA: (shows her the RING) KITTY2: WOW! I LOVE IT! Can I be like one of the Brides maids?! DAWN: ME TOO! TARA: Dawn can be the Maid of Honor. DAWN: (shrieks in joy and hugs Buffy and Rachel) KITTY2: When is it? TARA: Well, we'd like James to be there, so probably not until after "The Kill." AUTHOR: (smiles) Well, he can always have a day pass if you guys don't wanna wait that long. LEGOLAS: Good idea. Anyhow, if you want your friend and Lance back, come to the Shadow World for a treasure hunt! TARA: Does this mean you wanna play another Game? LEGOLAS: (grins) PSYLOCKE: Lots of danger? LEGOLAS: Oh yeah. JESSIE: More freaky tricks? LEGOLAS: Most likely. TARA & FRIENDS: Bring it on. THE END AFTER THE SPOOF ROMANO: Ladies and gentlemen! After THREE YEARS of working, we have FINALLY FINISHED FORBIDDEN TWO!!!! ALL: (loud cheering and a standing ovation) TARA: (kisses Legolas) You picked the weirdest time for a proposal! LEGOLAS: True, but you can't say I'm not original. JESSIE: That's for sure. ARDETH: So what's next? LIGHTS: How about we finish the others? CASSI: We're going to do that, too, but there IS another spoof coming. SPIKE: Are you going to tell us what it is? CASSI: I'll let you figure it out. Rob, Aslan said we had to get the Royals' permission too! You wanna set up an appointment for next week? MALLORY: Did she say "Aslan?!" LEGOLAS: We're going to NARNIA?! CASSI: (grins and heads for the door) See everyone in a week! We have to go negotiate with my new Assistant! SVEN: (follows) This should be interesting. LIZZIE: I get to be the WITCH! CARTER: Lord help us all, AND Narnia. ROMANO: (grins) That's my Lizzie! (walks with her out the door) LUCY: I saw that movie. This is gonna be fun! WARREN: So when do we get to "The Kill?" PSYLOCKE: We'll get there. Personally, I could use a break from the Shadow World and Narnia sounds like fun! FREDDY: I still don't think it's fair. GLORY: Uh oh. PENNY: What? GLORY: I think my water just broke. IMHOTEP: WHAT?! RICK: MEDIC!!!! THE END BIRTH ANNOUNCEMENT Imhotep and Glory have become the proud parents of a set of identical twin girls, with blonde curly hair and blue eyes. Gloria Elorrah & Aryanna Marie. Both girls and mother are doing well!! THE VERY REAL END!!!!!!!!!!!!!