"Labyrinth Spoof" By CASSI (evilspoofauthor2) ***************************************** DISCLAIMER: Characters borrowed from (as follows) The Motion pictures, "Labyrinth" (JIM HENSON), "Hook" (TRISTAR PIC.), The Musical, "CATS" (R.U.G. Inc.) The series, "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (JOSS WHEDDON), and X-Babies Comics (MARVEL COMICS) REFERENCES TO: (as follows) The "Star Wars" series spoofs, By Sven/The "Wolf Girl" series, By Cassi/ "Dot, the Vampire Slayer" spoof, by Cassi/ "The Jerry Mungo Show" , By Mistybom--Based on Jerry Springer/ Avon "Skin-So-Soft"-(which, in my opinion, STINKS!!!), and Bill Engvall's "Here's your sign" (we love you, man) CHARACTERS BY CASSI; Bob the Bobcat and Which One. CAST FOR THE SPOOF "LABYRINTH" *********************************** SARAH WILLIAMS..........................................Rumpelteazer (CAT) JARETH................................................................Mr. Mistoffolees (CAT) TOBY....................................................................Creepycrawler (X-BABY) LUDO....................................................................Thud Butt (HOOK) HOGGLE...............................................................Magneato (X-BABY) SIR DIDYMUS....................................................Wolvie (X-BABY) STEPMOTHER....................................................Jennyanydots (CAT) FATHER...............................................................Munkustrap (CAT) WILLYUM THE WORM (VOICE)...................Mungojerrie (CAT) ALPH....................................................................Don't Ask (HOOK) RALPH.................................................................Ace (HOOK) JIM........................................................................Tumblebrutus (CAT) TIM.......................................................................Pouncival (CAT) HANDS................................................................As themselves WISE MAN.........................................................Which One (LOST BOY BY CASSI) THE HAT............................................................ Cyke (X-BABY) DEAF KNOCKER................................................Skimbleshanks(CAT) OTHER KNOCKER.............................................Coricopat (CAT) JUNK LADY........................................................Tantomile (CAT) 2 GOBLIN GUARDS (SLEEPING)....................As themsleves VARIOUS GOBLINS..........................................Rest of the X-Babies FIREYS 1-5..........................................................Tumblebrutus, Pouncival, Plato, Jemima, & Etcetera(Cats) PEANUT GALLERY ****************** Sven (Author's sister), Jareth, Rufio(Hook), Macavity (Cat), Sir Didymus, & The Vampire; Spike (BtVS) UNEXPECTED PEANUT GALLERY ADDITIONS ****************************************** Buffy Summers, Willow Rosenberg, Rupert Giles, & Xander Harris (BtVS) CAMERA CAT: BOB, THE BOBCAT --Buffy characters do not appear until mid-spoof-- STARTING THE SPOOF *********************** AUTHOR: (walks into the Castle beyond the Goblin City, and bows to the King) JARETH: The Lady Cassandra, how may I help you? AUTHOR: I wasn't sure you would remember me. JARETH: Creator of the Wolfgirl, how could I forget? AUTHOR: (smiles, and hands him a paper) The cast for the Labyrinth spoof. JARETH: (reads it and laughs) When do we begin the filming? AUTHOR: As soon as you give your okay. JARETH: (smiles) Not a problem, just don't trash the Underground. AUTHOR AND JARETH: (shake hands) BEFORE THE SPOOF ******************* MACAVITY: I was supposed to be the KING! AUTHOR: That was before you kept dropping the crystals! MISTO: (sticks his tongue out) POUNCE: Does Teazer really get to pull our heads off? TEAZER: (grins in glee) AUTHOR: We'll cross that bridge when the time comes. SVEN: When are we starting? AUTHOR: Bob? BOB: (from behind the camera) Ready! THE SPOOF *********** AUTHOR: ACTION!! TEAZER: Why am I talkin' to a pollicle? JARETH: Shut up, and read. AUTHOR: Tack, Jar! TEAZER: (scowls) Give me the child. (Pauses) Through dange's untold an' 'ardships unnumbe'ed, I 'ave fough' me way 'ere to the castle beyond the Goblin Ci'y. For my will is as strong as yours, an' my kin'dom is grea'. --Thunder crashes, courtesy of Misto-- TEAZER: (jumps two feet in the air and drops her script) Misto, tha's no' fair! SVEN: I thought that line didn't come until later in the story. AUTHOR: It doesn't. Teazer, read the script! TEAZER: I los' me place. JARETH: Damn, I can never remember that line. TEAZER: Wha' 'e said. (looks at the next line) You 'ave no power over me. AUTHOR: Skip the clock, I have a headache. Teazer, you run home in the rain. TEAZER: Bu' i's no' rainin'. SVEN: I can fix that! (squirts Teazer with the squirt bottle) TEAZER; (screams) I's no' fair!!! --Jennyanydots appears on the front porch, checking her watch-- JENNY: Teazer, you're an hour late. Munku and I go out very rarely. MUNGO: Since when? SVEN: (elbows Mungo) Shut up! DEMETER: How could you? (bursts into tears and runs away.) MUNKU: (chases her) Demi, wait!!! AUTHOR: Okay, skip it! Teazer go to where you're taking your teddybear away from your....um brother. CREEPY: Waaaahhhhh!!!!!!! TEAZER: Shu' up, or I'll feed you to Bob! AUTHOR: Script! TEAZER: Oh fine! Once upon a time, there was a beau'iful young girl, 'oo's STEPmother always made her stay 'ome with the baby. An' the young girl was a slave, chained to the wall-- AUTHOR: What are you doing? TEAZER: Makin' i' sound convincin'. AUTHOR: (looks at Jareth, who shrugs) Okay, please continue. TEAZER: An' the baby was a spoiled ugly li'le blue thin' 'oo wan'ed everythin' for hisself. CREEPY: I am not ugly!!! Waaaahhhhh!!!! WOLVIE: Yes you are! CREEPY: They're callin' me ugly!!! Waaaahhhh!!!! SVEN: (snatches Wolvie) You aren't in this scene! AUTHOR: Skip to the wishing, and somebody get me some Excedrin!!!! RUFIO: (throws the bottle) Catch! AUTHOR: (swallows two) Thanks a really lot. REST OF THE PEANUT GALLERY: We're bored!!!! AUTHOR: Teazer, ACTION!!! TEAZER: I wish the Goblins woul' come an' take you away--righ' now!!! X-BABIES: (as goblins) Yippeeeeeee!!!!!!! (proceed to dance around the room) TEAZER: (finds the crib empty, and pretends to be horrified, then is hit in the head with something orange) POUNCE: Ooops. TEAZER: (glares and throws the Firey head across the room) AUTHOR: Misto, your CUE! MISTO: (throws the balcony doors open, and bursts into the room, wearing what appears to be a mop top on his head) JARETH: (falls to the floor in hysterical laughter) THE REST OF THE CAST: (joins him) MISTO: What? MACAVITY: At least my hair looked right. AUTHOR: Story! SVEN: Is he gonna leave that thing on? MISTO: (takes the mop top off, and throws it across the room.) TEAZER: (stares at her script) Where are we? MUNGO: Misto's part. MISTO: (glares and stands at the window) TEAZER: You're 'im, the Goblin King, RUFIO: NO! Really? MISTO: No, actually, he is. (points at Jareth) I'm just the stand-in. TEAZER: Where's me Creepy blue brother? MISTO: Teazer, go back to your room. Play with your toys and your costumes. Forget about the baby. TEAZER: (shrugs) Okay. (turns to leave) AUTHOR: Teazer, you're supposed to ask him to bring your brother back! TEAZER: Bu' I don' wan' me brother back. 'E was annoyin'. SHOWER: (as a goblin--runs up, and starts kicking Teazer's leg.) Bring him back! Bring him back! AUTHOR: Shower, you're a goblin, remember? You want Creepy to be like you. SHOWER: Oh, right. TEAZER: (rolls her eyes) Okay fine! (sounding bored) I wan' me brother back, please bring 'im back. MISTO: He's in my castle. AUTHOR: Misto, you skipped a line. MISTO: Oh yeah. I brought you a gift. (holds up a crystal) TEAZER: Wha' is i'? SVEN: (in a singsong tone) Da-uhh! MISTO: It's a crystal, nothing more. (starts juggling it around in his hands in a perfect imitation of Jareth) But if you turn it this way, and look into it, it will show you your dreams. TEAZER: Wha' if I can' turn i' loike tha'? MACAVITY: (snickers) SVEN: (elbows him) AUTHOR: Script! TEAZER: (glares) I can'. I' ain' tha' I don' appreacia'e wha' you're doin', bu' the scrip' says I 'ave to ge' the Creepy blue brother back. Where is 'e? MISTO: He's in my castle. (points) Do you still want to look for him? TEAZER: No' really. bu' I 'ave to. AUTHOR: Skip to the line before Misto vanishes. MISTO: You have thirteen hours to solve the Labyrinth before your baby brother becomes one of us forever! (vanishes) TEAZER: No' tha' i's a big change. 'E was ugly to sta' wif'. CREEPY: I am not ugly!!!!! WAAAAAHHHH!!!!!! SVEN: No, you're not. You're adorable. CREEPY: (instantly quiets and sucks his finger) I am? AUTHOR: Yes you are. CREEPY: (sticks his tongue out at Teazer) Nah nah nah!!!! TEAZER: (glares, and stomps off) Keep the runt!!! SVEN: (sprays her with water) AUTHOR: Bob? BOB: Yeees? TEAZER: (comes back) Oh fine! (slides down the hill to the Labyrinth) --Outside the Labyrinth walls, Magneato is whizzing in the fountain-- TEAZER: Ewwww. MAGNEATO: It's in the script. Look it up. TEAZER: (looks at the Author) AUTHOR: 'Fraid so, Teaz. JARETH: (makes a face) I wondered why the fountain looked so polluted. TEAZER: Excuse me. MAGNEATO: (sounding grumpy) Oh, it's you. What do you want? (pulls out a bugspray gun and starts whacking faries in the head with it) AUTHOR: (glances at Jareth) JARETH: Unusual method, but effective. Continue. TEAZER: You monster! MAGNEATO: No I ain't. I'm Magneato! TEAZER: (looks down at the faerie) AUTHOR: Well? TEAZER: I ain' touchin' tha' thing! I' bi'es! JARETH: Wise choice. SVEN: Makes Sarah look dumb, don't it? MAGNEATO: (continues hitting fairies) TEAZER: Can you show me 'ow to find the door to the Labyrinth? MAGNEATO: What door? TEAZER: (pulls out a dictionary) Door: Wha' you open or close when leavin' a room or area. MAGNEATO: What room or area? TEAZER: (picks him up, and tries to strangle him) Lemme into the LABYRINTH!!!!! MAGNEATO: (chokes) Over there! JARETH: Nice touch. Couldn't have done better myself. TEAZER: YOUCH!!! Tha' stupid bug bi' me!!!! POUNCE: BOINGY!!! (catches the farie in mid air and swallows it, bouncing away.) MAGNEATO: Aren't you goin' in? TEAZER: Oh, shut up, you li'l pipsqueak! (enters the Labyrinth) MAGNEATO: Jus' for that, I won't tell you how to solve it! TEAZER: (sticks out her tongue) Oh, you don' even know! You ain' even from around 'ere! MAGNEATO: (stalks off) --The Labyrinth doors slam shut-- TEAZER: I don' wanna go tha' way! AUTHOR: That's the way Sarah went, so that's the way you go! TEAZER: (glares and does as she is told) This ain' no labyrinth, i' jus' goes on an' on. AUTHOR: Mungo, go to your place. MUNGO'S VOICE: 'Ello. TEAZER: (looks at the small worm) Is tha' you, Mungo? MUNGO: No, jus' me voice. Couldn' be a real worm, cuz Pouncy'd ea' me. POUNCE: I don't eat worms. SVEN: Funny, you eat everything else. POUNCE: (glares) AUTHOR: Pouncy, scram! You're not in this scene. TEAZER: (to Mungo) You don' 'appen to know 'ow to ge' to the castle, do you? MUNGO: Well, I do, bu' you're supposed to go the other way. TEAZER: (looks at the Author and Jareth) Now why don' tha' surprise me? MUNGO: Through the openin', an' to the righ'. TEAZER: (goes through the opening and turns left) SVEN: (squirts Teazer) AUTHOR: Teazer! TEAZER: (turns back to the right) Jus' checkin'. --Scene shifts to the castle, where Creepycrawler sits, crying, with all the "Goblins" scattered around him and Misto is laying back in a "Lazy Boy" recliner-- JARETH: Hey! SVEN: What's wrong with this picture? CREEPY: Why am I crying? I'm away from my mean sister, and back with all my friends! AUTHOR: Script! Misto, get rid of the recliner! MISTO: (sticks his lip out and crosses his arms, and the recliner becomes Jareth's throne) CREEPY: (continues crying) MISTO: (stands up and grabs Snaggletooth by the collar of his suit) You remind me of the babe. SNAGGLETOOTH: What babe? MISTO: Do I have to say this? It's stupid. JARETH: (glares) MISTO: The babe with the power. SHOWER: What power? MISTO: Power of voodoo. MISTI Q: Doo-doo has power? WOLVIE: Yeah, it stinks. AUTHOR: Script! --The Peanut Gallery is in hysterics-- MISTI Q: Alright,--Who do? MISTO: You do. CYKE: Do what? MISTO: Remind me of the babe. (kicks Wolvie) WOLVIE: (clamps his teeth into Misto's ankle) MISTO: Yeeeeooowww!!! JARETH: Good thing the real goblins aren't here. RUFIO: No kiddin', you'd kiss your ankles goodbye. WOLVIE: He kicked me!!!! MISTO: It's in the script! AUTHOR: Not here, you were just supposed to throw him up in the air. SVEN: Bad Misto. AUTHOR: Anyway, no more goblin kicking. JARETH: Hey! AUTHOR: In the spoof. JARETH: That's better. AUTHOR: Back to Teazer. We're skipping the song. --Scene changes to the Labyrinth-- TEAZER: (walks down the stone walkway, looking bored) Do I 'ave to do the lipstick thing? We all know i' don' work. AUTHOR: We don't have anyone to play those funny rat goblins, so skip the lipstick. TEAZER: (walks into a dead end and the entrance closes behind her) Tha's no' fair!!! --Interruption by a small creature riding on a "Pollicle"-- SIR DIDYMUS: 'Scuse us, thankyou. (they walk past Jareth's and Rufio's feet and Didymus takes a seat by Sven) Hello, once again, milady. I presume thou art starting on thy next performance soon? SVEN: Do you have your part ready? DIDYMUS: (as Yoda) Ahh, fair maiden, finished rehearsing, I have. AUTHOR: Teazer, continue, and where's my other guest? SVEN: Hello, the sun's still up! AUTHOR: And your point is? SVEN: Dustbunny? AUTHOR: If he can throw a coat over his head to get beer, he can show up on time here! Now Teazer, act!! TEAZER: Bu' I already said me line. I's Tumble's turn. POUNCE & TUMBLE: (take their places behind pieces of cardboard, in front of two doors) SVEN: What's missing from this picture? RUFIO: (stands up and whistles) ACE & DON'T ASK: (take their places behind Pounce and Tumble) TUMBLE: That's right! It's not fair! TEAZER: (turns around) TUMBLE: But that's only half of it! TEAZER: Bu' this was a dead end a momen' ago. POUNCE: No, that's the dead end behind you. TEAZER: Yeh, I know, bu' only cuz i' closed up behin' me! Now 'ow do I ge' ou' of 'ere? TUMBLE: Try one of these doors. TEAZER: Which one? WHICH ONE: What? PEANUT GALLERY: (snickers) TEAZER: (glares) TUMBLE: We can't tell you. TEAZER: Why no'? POUNCE: We don't know. TUMBLE: But they do. (points at Ace and Don't Ask) TEAZER: Figures. So I as' them. ACE: I can't read. RUFIO: You can't ask us. ACE: Right. What he said. DON'T ASK: I can't read either. RUFIO: (glares) You memorized it, remember? DON'T ASK: (looks blank) SVEN: Can we get real actors? We're bored over here. AUTHOR: One lies, one tells the truth, yadda yadda yadda. Teazer? TEAZER: They can' even read! 'Ow do I know they all ain' lyin'? AUTHOR: You don't. Take the right door. TEAZER: (glares, walks through the door, and falls through a trap door, into a shaft containing a lot of hands) Eeeeeewwwwww!!!!!! HANDS: Which way? WHICH ONE: What? SVEN: They said 'way', not 'one', moron! AUTHOR: You aren't in this scene. Am-scray! WHICH ONE: Huh? CLOAKED FIGURE: She said get lost, runt! ALL: (turn to see the new guest) SVEN: Dustbunny!!!!! SPIKE: (pulls his hood off and glares) AUTHOR: Sven, let him get through the door before you start in! Spike, you're late! Give an excuse and make it a good one. SPIKE: I overslept? RUFIO: Are you a rotten liar. AUTHOR: (taps foot impatiently) SPIKE: You said to leave my friends at home. I was being followed, so I had to ditch them! AUTHOR: (shrugs) Oaky, have a seat. SVEN: Here boy! Good Spike! Have a biscuit! SPIKE: (glares and takes a step toward Sven) AUTHOR: She's human. SPIKE: Bu' you said-- AUTHOR: I said most of them weren't. SPIKE: (grumbles and sits down) SVEN: How come Dustbunny couldn't bring his owner? AUTHOR: She'll be here for the next spoof. RUFIO: Ditz, the Vampire Slayer? SPIKE: (smacks Rufio and grabs his head, moaning) AUTHOR: By the way, he's human, too. SPIKE: (crosses his arms and mutters under his breath) SVEN: Wow do you kiss your girlfriend with that mouth? SPIKE: What girlfriend? SVEN: The blonde with the wooden stakes, remember? SPIKE: The Slayer is not my girlfriend! MUNGO: Wow! A vampire in love with a Vampire Slayer! We can use tha' on the "Jerrie Mungo" show! SPIKE: I am not in love with the Slayer! AUTHOR: And he's in denial. SPIKE: I am not! SVEN: He denies that he's in denial. RUFIO: Denial is de longest river in de world. MISTO AND THE X-BABIES: We're bored!!!!! TEAZER: (still in the shaft) Ge' me ou' of 'ere!!!!!! HANDS: Up or down? TEAZER: (reads the script) Down??? Why down? HANDS: She chose down!!! TEAZER: I did no'!!! CYKE: Yeth you did. We all theen you, you thilly cat. TEAZER: (falls into a small cavern) IN THE THRONE ROOM *********************** MISTO: She's in the......Ow-blite. JARETH: Oubliette. MISTO: Whatever. X-BABIES: (start laughing) MISTO: She should not have gotten that far, she should have given up. CREEPY: No kiddin'. She hates me. MISTO: Well, Magneato is about to lead her back to the beginning. Then she'll have to give up. SHOWER: You really trust Magneato? CYKE: You're thtoopider then I thought. AUTHOR: Magneato, you're on! MAGNEATO: No way! I ain't helpin' her! She's mean! AUTHOR: Spike, Magneato is not human. SPIKE: (grins) Lunchtime!!!! (morphs into his demon face) MAGNEATO: (stares) Okay, I'm going. SPIKE: (sits back down) Damn. SVEN: Watch your mouth, or you really will be a dustbunny! AUTHOR: He's starring in the next spoof. Find another way to get him for it. SVEN: (grins with glee) He's in my next spoof, too. SPIKE: (looks worried) IN THE "OW-BLITE" ******************* TEAZER: 'Ooo's there? MAGNEATO: Me. TEAZER: Me 'oo? MAGNEATO: Author! TEAZER: Authah 'oo? AUTHOR: Teazer, script! TEAZER: (rolls her eyes) Oh, i's you. I'm glad to see you.....(mutters) Sure I am. AUTHOR: Teazer, may I remind you that Spike is still hungry and you aren't human either. SPIKE: (grins evily) TEAZER: (stares at Spike and stomps back onto the set) Oh, fine!!!! SPIKE: (stands up and approaches the Author) AUTHOR: Yes? SPIKE: (whispers) You know, technically, I can't hurt living creatures. AUTHOR: (whispers back) I know that, but they don't. SPIKE: (smirks) Alright then. (sits back down) AUTHOR: Okay Magneato, continue. MAGNEATO: Oh yes, I knew you were going to get in trouble the moment I saw you, so I've come to give you a hand. TEAZER: (looks around) MAGNEATO: Oh, you're looking around now. I suppose you realize there ain't no doors. This is an........ ow-blite. JARETH: Oubliette. MAGNEATO: Whatever. TEAZER: Wha's an........ow-blite? JARETH: I give up. MAGNEATO: It's a place you put people to forget about them. TEAZER: Good place for you to be. MAGNEATO: Author, she's doing it again! AUTHOR: Spike, if she does it again, you can have your lunch! SPIKE: (grins evily) TEAZER: (grumbles and reads her lines) If 'e 'elps me solve this thing, I give 'im a plastic thing? Is 'e really tha' stupid? MAGNEATO: It's not real? Forget it! I didn't want to help you anyway! TEAZER: If 'e don' 'elp me, does Spoik ge' to ea' 'im, too? SPIKE: (looks at the Author) AUTHOR: Yeah, sounds good. TEAZER: 'Elp me or 'e ea's you ! MAGNEATO: (mutters under his breath) AUTHOR: What was that? SVEN: That was a bad word. MAGNEATO: I said, "This way." SVEN: Now he's lying! Get him, Willie! SPIKE: (turns to look at her) What did you call me? SVEN: Willie the Dustbunny!!!! SPIKE: Can somebody please hit her? AUTHOR: Sven, ix-nay on the dustbunny-day. SVEN: Okay, fine. Here boy! Here Spike! Good dog! SPIKE: (glares) SVEN: Sorry, I was only thinking from Buffy's point of view....Slayer's Pet. AUTHOR: Um guys? This isn't the Jerrie Mungo show, can we please continue? --Door opens and the Slayer walks in with two guys and a girl-- SPIKE: (groans) SVEN: Look, your owner's here! BUFFY: What's going on here? AUTHOR: You were saying, Mister "I swear I wasn't followed"? SPIKE: (cringes lower in his chair) RUFIO: They can't stay, they weren't invited! SVEN: The more, the merrier. TEAZER: Do they drink people's blood too? AUTHOR: No. MUNGO: 'Oo are they? SVEN: Spike's owners. XANDER: Owners? All of us? No way. He's her pet vampire! (points at Buffy) SPIKE: Stuff it, Bug-Boy. SVEN: Bad Spike. TEAZER: Can we ge' ou' of 'ere now? MACAVITY: Is someone stopping you? TEAZER: (glares) BUFFY: What is going on here? ALL: SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN!!!!! AUTHOR: Teazer and Magneato can leave the "ow-blite" now. JARETH: Great, now we have a trend. TEAZER AND MAGNETO: (leave the "ow-blite") PEANUT GALLERY, MINUS THE NEW ARRIVALS: (who still haven't figured out what's going on) We're bored!!!!! AUTHOR: Skip the talking heads. XANDER: Talking heads? Do we even want to know? GILES: I don't think I do. AUTHOR: Misto!!!! --A crystal rolls down the walkway between Magneato and Teazer and jumps into a beggar's cup-- MISTO: (as beggar) What have we here? MAGNEATO: Uh, nothin'. SPIKE: Does he honestly expect him to buy that? JARETH: He's not very smart. MAGNEATO: I QUIT!!! AUTHOR: Spike, sic 'im! SPIKE: Lunchtime!!!! (morphs into his demon form and jumps up) BUFFY: (kicks him back down) Not so fast! AUTHOR: Either sit down and shut up, or leave! I gave him permission to jump him! SPIKE: (sticks his tongue out at Buffy) WILLOW: Real mature. AUTHOR: This is a spoof. Maturity is overrated! Now Magneato, do your part or you become Spike's lunch. AUTHOR: Misto, please continue. MISTO: (stands up and pulls off his beggar's costume) Nothing? Nothing......Tra la la!??? What is he doing, singing? JARETH: Shut up and read. MAGNEATO: Your Majesty, what a nice surprise. MISTO: Hello, Magnet. TEAZER: Magne'o. MAGNEATO: Mag-neat-o. Can't you read? MISTO: Yes. (reads script) "King gets dwarf's name wrong." SPIKE: What is the dwarf's name? JARETH: Hedgewart. SVEN: Hogwart. DIDYMUS: Sir Hoggle. SPIKE: I see, why don't we just call him, "Hey you"? XANDER: That isn't very nice. SPIKE: Nobody asked you. AUTHOR: Script!!!! MISTO: Mag.....Mag........Mag-- BUFFY: Hey, Macarena! MISTO AND MAGNEATO: (glare) MAGNEATO: Mag-neat-o. MISTO: Very well, Mag-neat-o. Can it be, you're helping this cat? MAGNEATO: They said if I didn't, the vampire would eat me! AUTHOR: Script!!!! MAGNEATO: And what? Lie??? He's been watchin'!!! He's not stupid!! JARETH: Amen. MISTO: If I thought for one second you were betraying me, I would be forced to have to suspend you head-first into the Bog of Eternal Skin-So-Soft. MAGNEATO: Whatever happened to the Bog of Stench? AUTHOR: It didn't smell bad enough. DIDYMUS: I didn't think it smelt at all. WOLVIE: Seek help. DIDYMUS: I have guarded it for a thousand years, and smelt nothing. The air was sweet and fragrant, and-- SPIKE: (pats his head) Whatever you say. (whispers to Buffy) It bloody stinks!!! BUFFY: Thanks for the warning. AUTHOR: Story!!! MAGNEATO: No, Your Majesty! Not the Skin-So-Soft!!! Just kill me!!!! MISTO: Now, Teazer, how are you enjying my labyrinth? TEAZER: 'Ow come every time someone says this line, somethin' bad 'appens? AUTHOR: Just say it. TEAZER: (sighs) Piece of cake. MISTO: That's not fair. SVEN: Huh? AUTHOR: Misto, that's Teazer's line. Yours is before it. MISTO: (shrugs) Oh really? Well how about uping the stakes a bit? (takes about three hours off her time) TEAZER: Tha's no' fair! MISTO: You say that so often. I wonder what your basis for comparison is. TEAZER: Oh, so you can say i', but I can'? RUFIO: (as Mel Brooks) 'S good ta be da King. MISTO: So the labyrinth is a piece of cake is it? Well, let's see how you deal with this little slice. (makes a crystal and throws it in the passage) MAGNEATO: What's a "Cleaners"? TEAZER: (sees the metal piece of machinery coming at them and screams) Run!!!!! MAGNEATO: You know I can get rid of this thing. AUTHOR: Ahem! You will run like the script says! --The two of them take off running-- JENNYANYDOTS: This scene is not suitable for kittens! SPIKE: We care? AUTHOR: Okay, they get away by breaking down a weak door. Magneato, your line. MAGNEATO: Ah, this is what we need, a ladder. GILES: Not to mention a good anti-psychotic. SPIKE: And a bottle and a half of Aspirin. AUTHOR: He can't take that, he's a kid. SPIKE: I was thinking for myself. AUTHOR: Well, I have Excedrin, but they're MINE, ALL MINE!!!!! XANDER: Selfish aren't we? AUTHOR: Yep, you bet, now back to the story. TEAZER: 'E didn't lie. I can't say this line. AUTHOR: Teazer and Magneato climb the ladder and come up in the Hedge Maze. MAGNEATO: That's it, I quit! TEAZER: 'E can' quit! AUTHOR: It's in the script this time. TEAZER: (looks it up) I' says I blackmail 'im by stealin' 'is jewels. Yeh, tha' sounds like me. MUNGO: Are they real? AUTHOR: No. TEAZER: (wrinkles her nose) Well then, wha's the poin' of takin' 'em then? I's jus' junk!!1 AUTHOR: You already have a good blackmail going, remember? Spike!!! SPIKE: Yeeeess? MAGNEATO: Okay, fine! I'll behave. WHICH ONE: (enters, mumbling with Cyke perched on his shoulders) TEAZER: Excuse me? WHICH ONE: Oh, a young girl. CYKE: Hellooooo, nurth!!! GILES: Huh? SPIKE: Animaniacs. SVEN: You watch that? SPIKE: I'm in a crypt all day with a telly. What else am I supposed to do? AUTHOR: Count dots? SPIKE: 300,967. BUFFY: Impressive. AUTHOR: No it isn't. I used to count the dots on my Orchestra room walls all the time. SVEN: Story? AUTHOR: Which One, please continue. WHICH ONE: It's her turn. AUTHOR: Not until you finish your line. WHICH ONE: Oops. RUFIO: What can I do for you? WHICH ONE: Right. TEAZER: I 'ave to ge' to the castle a' the cen'er of the Labyrinth. Do you know the way? XANDER: (as a Munchkin) Follow the Yellow Brick Road. TEAZER: (directs a flat look toward the Peanut Gallery, who are all laughing) WHICH ONE: You want to get to the castle? CYKE: Howth that for brain power? WHICH ONE: Will you be quiet??? WOLVIE: That would be a first. CYKE: (glares at Wolvie) Thorry. WHICH ONE: Finished? CYKE: How come I thay yeth, but I thtill keep talking? SHOWER: A-cause you don't know how to stop talking. AUTHOR: Script! WHICH ONE: What do I say again? SVEN: A lot of pointless nonsense. WHICH ONE: What she said. CYKE: Will you lithen to this crap? MACAVITY: We have a choice? AUTHOR: No, sit down. WHICH ONE: (falls asleep) CYKE: I think that'th your lot. Give uth money in our bokth. TEAZER: Bu' you didn' tell us nothin'. Why should we pay you? CYKE: Cuth it'th in the thcript. Now fork over. TEAZER: (glares) This Sarah sure was a moron. (tosses a ring into the box) TEAZER AND MAGNEATO: (walk away) CYKE: There go a couple of thuckers. SPIKE: What's a "thucker"? XANDER: One who 'thucks'. WILLOW: Bad joke. MAGNEATO AND TEAZER: (wander through the maze, arguing) TEAZER: I don' wanna be in the nex' spoof. I 'ate this. MAGNEATO: I wanna be in the next one, jus' long as I get a better part. AUTHOR: Oh, quit griping! You are in a good part. You're one of the stars! BUFFY: What do they mean "next spoof"? You guys do this often? AUTHOR: This is my first. The others are Sven's. I'm usually in the Peanut Gallery. GILES: What exactly is the next one? AUTHOR: We already said it's "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer".....the movie. BUFFY: Am I in it? SPIKE: You can't be in it. It's named after you! She's not using any of the original characters. AUTHOR: Spike is one of the main stars, though. He'll be playing Pike. XANDER: A vampire playing an assistant vampire slayer? How ironic. AUTHOR: Thankyou. Wait until you see who's playing Buffy. WILLOW: If it's Dru, I don't even want to know about it. RUFIO: Dru can't be Buffy! She has more intelligence. BUFFY: (gives Rufio a brainduster--pops him on the back of the head--) SPIKE: (wisely says nothing) SVEN: The movie Buffy, not you. Although there really isn't much of a difference. DIDYMUS: Excuse me.....if I might inquire. Who is Dru? SVEN: Spike's old owner. SPIKE: (glares) SVEN: (looks at Spike) Is it true that she left you for Bullwinkle? XANDER: I thought it was a Fungus Demon. AUTHOR: No accounting for taste here. If she left him for that, she has to be a total wack-job. SPIKE: Well, yeh, but tha's Angel's fault. He made her that way. JARETH: We all make mistakes. AUTHOR: Back to the story. Thud, you're on!!! THUD BUTT: (roars like a monster) MAGNEATO: Goodbye! (turns around and runs off) TEAZER: You COWARD!!! I's jus' a fa' kid in a coa'!!!!! GILES: Now I've seen everything. --Four X-Babies; Shower, Boyo, Colossusus, and Sugah poke Thud, (who is hanging from a tree) with sticks-- SPIKE: Let me guess....a cookout? AUTHOR: (sighs) Okay, Teazer saves him, and gets him down, then they do the intro-thing--"Teazer friend", etc..., then two doors appear in the wall, with ugly-face knockers on them. One is deaf, and the other is non-speaking, mainly because of the ring in his mouth. Teazer? TEAZER: Now which of these two ugly thin's do we try? CORICOPAT: (mumbles something around his ring) SKIMBLESHANKS: It's very rude to stare. TEAZER: (to Cori) Wha' did you say? (takes the ring out of his mouth) CORI: I said, who are you calling "Ugly"? Look in a mirror!! TEAZER: Which door do I take? CORI: You called me "Ugly"! TEAZER: (looks at Skimble) SKIMBLE: No good, can't hear you. TEAZER: (checks script) Jus' for tha', I'm gonna pu' this ring back in your mouth, an' leave i' there!!! AUTHOR: Teazer and Thud go through the right hand door, and into the Forest of the Fireys. POUNCE: YIPPPPPEEEEEEE!!!!! We get to dance now!!!! AUTHOR: Not yet, Thud falls through a trap-door, and out of view. Now...Teazer? TEAZER: (rolls her eyes) Magnea'o!!! 'Elp!!!! MAGNEATO: How come I have to go back? MISTO: (appears in front of him) And where are YOU going? XANDER: To the Emerald City!!!!!! SVEN: Here's your sign. (pins a sign that says, "I'm stupid" to Misto's back) MISTO: Not funny. SPIKE: I thought it was. MISTO: It's in the script! That means HE said it, not me! (points at Jareth) ALL: (look at Jareth) JARETH: I was testing to see if he would lie again, and he did! SVEN: Excuses, excuses. JARETH: (glares) AUTHOR: STORY!! Misto, the peach!! MISTO: Yeah, yeah....give her this. (tosses Magneato a crystal that becomes a peach as he catches it) SPIKE: Does he do any other tricks? SVEN: Yeah, he shoots lightning bolts. SPIKE: Interesting. MISTO: I also turn people into cats. (grins) AUTHOR: Not in this story, you don't, now follow the script. MISTO: Where's it going? AUTHOR: Sven? SVEN: (squirts Misto) MAGNEATO: What is it? SPIKE: A cleverly designed hand granade. SVEN: Here's your sign. MISTO: A present. MAGNEATO: It ain't gonna hurt her, is it? (mutters) I can only be so lucky. MISTO: Now why the concern? MAGNEATO: What concern? AUTHOR: Follow the script! MAGNEATO: (makes a face) I won't do nuthin' to harm her! MISTO: Oh, come on, now!! You don't think a young girl could ever like a disgusting little scab like you, do you? MAGNEATO: (bursts into tears) He called me a little scab!!!!!!! MISTO: It was in the script!!! AUTHOR: Magneato, it means HOGGLE is a disgusting little scab, not you. MAGNEATO: So I'm not? WOLVIE: Yes you are!!! MAGNEATO: WWAAAAAHHHH!!!!! AUTHOR: Wolvie's just saying that because you got the better part. MAGNEATO: (stops crying to think about it) But Wolvie got a good part, too! AUTHOR: Wolvie's the guard of the Bog of Eternal Skin-So-Soft, and he has heightened senses. Imagine how bad it smells there. WOLVIE: You didn't say nothin' about a bad smell!!! DIDYMUS: But it doesn't smell!!! The air is-- RUFIO: (covers his mouth) We know sweet and fragrant, now shut up. I'm listening to this! AUTHOR: Misto, your final threat, so we can get to the fireys! MISTO: If she kisses you, I'll turn you into a prince. MAGNEATO: EEEEEWWWW! Fat chance! That's gross, I ain't kissin' her!!! AUTHOR: Ahem. MISTO: Prince of the land of Skin-So-Soft!! AUTHOR: Fireys, take your places! --Tumble, Pounce, Plato, Jemima, and Electra enter, wearing Firey costumes and bounce around, energetically-- POUNCE: Boingy, boingy, boingy!!! AUTHOR: Who gave them catnip? SVEN: (looks at the ceiling) You DID want them to act realistically, didn't you? AUTHOR: Not all night!!! SVEN: Picky, picky. TEAZER: (to the "Fireys") Wha' do you wan'? POUNCE: We're just out to have a good time!! TEAZER: Go 'ave your good time elsewhere. I 'ave to go to the castle, and save me creepy brother. AUTHOR: SCRIPT!!! POUNCE: She wants to go to the castle! TUMBLE: We know where it is! TEAZER: No you don'. You're too full of ca'nip to know nuffin' a' all! ELECTRA: (shrugs) Yeah, but we're supposed to act like we know. TEAZER: (crosses her arms) Meanwhoile, you're was'in' me toime. I'm leavin'!!! JEMIMA: WAIT!!! You can't quit, the game's not over!!! TUMBLE: Can we take her head off now? POUNCE: Yeah, she wants to take her head off and be like us!!! SPIKE: Sure, high and headless, start a trend! BUFFY: Only if you go first. SPIKE: Fat chance, luv. TEAZER: (gets mad and throws all their Firey heads away) PLATO: That's not fair! It's against the rules to throw other people's heads! POUNCE: You're only allowed to throw your OWN head! TEAZER: Uh-uh!! I' says roigh' 'ere! (opens the script) "Sarah throws the Firey 'eads away"! ELECTRA: (shrugs) Okay, I guess we're done. THE "FIREYS": (retrieve their heads and walk off the set) TEAZER: (taps foot impatiently) MAGNEATO: (crosses his arms at the top of the wall) AUTHOR: Spike, are you still hungry? SPIKE: (grins wildly) MAGNEATO: (lowers the rope for Teazer) SPIKE: (looks disappointed) TEAZER: (climbs the rope and glares) I'm no' kissin' 'im!!! AUTHOR: (looks at Jareth) JARETH: (smiles and opens the trap-door leading to the Bog of Skin-So-Soft) --Teazer and Magneato fall down the tunnel and land on top of Thud Butt-- TEAZER: If I EVER do another one of these things, i'll be too SOON!!!! THUD: What was I supposed to say again? RUFIO AND ALL OF "BUFFY" CREW: Smell BAD!!!!!!!! WOLVIE: EWWWWW YUCK!!!! THUD: Smell BAAAD!! AUTHOR: (ties a bandana over her nose) Continue...Wolvie? --Teazer, Magneato, and Thud Butt approach the bridge-- WOLVIE: (runs out) Stop!! Stop! STOP, I say!!! TEAZER: (holding her nose) We 'ave to ge' over this brige! WOLVIE: Without MY permission, NOone may cross! DIDYMUS: Well said, Sir Wolvie! MAGNEATO: We have to get out of this stench!!! WOLVIE: (reads the script) What does it mean, "What stench"? Hurry up and ask my permission, so we can ALL leave!!!! PEANUT GALLERY: (except Didymus--holding their noses) Ask before we all die from EXPOSURE!!!! BUFFY: We're not going to smell like this when we leave, are we? SPIKE: I HOPE not! I'll have to burn my clothes!!! TEAZER: (enjoying the torment of the others--remains silent) XANDER: Can Spike eat her now? TEAZER: Then 'oo would ask 'is permission? MAGNEATO: I'm not beggin' HIM for NUTHIN!!! MACAVITY: We're DYING over here!!! AUTHOR: Teazer, Mungo's turning green. TEAZER: (looks at her mate) Mungo, are you okay? SPIKE: He WON'T be!!! TEAZER: (rolls her eyes) May we 'ave your permission? WOLVIE: YES!! (runs across the bridge and disappears) AUTHOR: Wolvie, you forgot Ambrosious!!! WOLVIE: Every mutant for themselves!!! --The trio crosses the recently repaired bridge, and leaves the Bog of Skin-So-Soft behind-- ALL: (breath the fresh air, and sigh in relief) WOLVIE: (now riding Ambrosious--leads them through the forest) MAGNEATO: (holds up the peach) This is for you, Teazer. TEAZER: Ewwww! I'm not eatin' tha'!!! I'm a ca'!! MAGNEATO: (looks at the Author) Now what? AUTHOR: Misto? MISTO: (changes the peach into catnip) POUNCE: BOINGY!!!! (leaps in, and swallows the catnip whole, and bounces away) PEANUT GALLERY: (incoherent laughter) AUTHOR: (flatly) Good thinkin', Misto. MISTO: Seemed like a good idea at the time. MUNGO: Does tha' mean Pounce falls in love wif' Misto? SVEN: That would make for an interesting spoof. POUNCE: Boingy, boingy, boingy, boi----zzzzzzzzzz (falls asleep) ALL: (stare at Pouncy) JARETH: (smiles and stares at the ceiling, innocently) AUTHOR: Nice job. SPIKE: How did you do that? JARETH: Practice. Now continue! (snaps his fingers) TEAZER: (starts staggering around before she finally sits down and stares at the sky) MISTO: I could have done that. JARETH: You weren't. MISTO: I was going to!! SVEN: Sure you were. AUTHOR: Get going, Misto! MISTO: (twirls crystals in his hands, then blows them, one at a time, into the wind) AUTHOR: Now into the dream. MUNGO: I don' loike this. Why does she 'ave to fall for Misto? AUTHOR: It's in the script, besides, she doesn't stay that way. SPIKE: One night stand! Wakes up, wondering what the-- SVEN: It is so important that you do not finish that line. MUNGO: Teazah wouldn' do tha'! AUTHOR: Of course not!! (glares at Spike) So let's just do the scene. MUNGO: (considers it) Okay, bu' noffin' be'er 'appen. BALLROOM ************ --Teazer is in a ballroom, all dressed up. She meets up with Misto, and they start to dance-- MUNGO: (frowns) TEAZER AND MISTO: (continue dancing, but look to be getting closer) MUNGO: (glares) PEANUT GALLERY: (on the edges of their chairs) MISTO AND TEAZER: (stop dancing, and look at each other. Without warning, they are kissing) MUNGO: (jumps out of his chair, screaming in rage, but is stopped in midair by Jareth) JARETH: Quiet, I'm watching this. SVEN: That's not in the script, Cassi. AUTHOR: Uh, guys? You're a little into character there. MISTO AND TEAZER: (don't move) RUFIO: What are they, stuck? AUTHOR: (loudly) Teazer! MUNGO: (struggles in Jareth's hold) I'm gonna KILL 'im!!! ALL: TEAZER!!!!!! MISTO AND TEAZER: (finally separate) TEAZER: Wha'? AUTHOR: You're supposed to resist and get out of there! TEAZER AND MISTO: (read script) Oops. TEAZER: (notices Mungo) Mungo, wha' 'appened? JARETH: (releases Mungo) MUNGO: (stalks back to his seat) TEAZER: (follows) I' was an acciden', Mungo! I was under a spell! SVEN: (looks at Buffy and Spike) Boy, that excuse sure does get around a lot! GILES: (snickers) SPIKE: Tha's NOT funny!! BUFFY: I had to brush my teeth for two hours! SVEN: What, no plunger? SPIKE: Shut up! I was tied to a chair! I couldn't get near a toothbrush, much less a plunger! MACAVITY: You were tied to a chair? RUFIO: Kinky. SPIKE: Sod off! XANDER: Marry me, Buffy! WILLOW: Of course I will, Spike! ALL EXCEPT BUFFY AND SPIKE: (hysterical and incoherent laughter) --Mungo and Teazer have forgotten their argument.-- SPIKE: Not bloody FUNNY!!! BUFFY: (remains silent with a disgusted look) WILLOW: Sorry, Buffy. AUTHOR: You are not! XANDER: (trying to hold a straight face) Yes we are. SVEN: You are NOT! You're still laughing! AUTHOR: Back to the show. Teazer is landing on a junkpile, and has forgotten her creepy blue brother. TEAZER: Small loss. CREEPY: WAAAAHHH!!!! AUTHOR: (covers her ears) Tanto, you're on! TANTOMILE: Why do I have to play the junk lady? AUTHOR: My sick sense of humor strikes again. Now get in there! SPIKE: (to Jareth) You have walking, talking piles of JUNK? JARETH: Why not? We have talking heads and biting fairies. XANDER: Sense when do fairies BITE? AUTHOR: Welcome to the Underground! "Everything seems possible, and nothing is what it seems." XANDER: Lovely. SVEN: Wait. You can't even take gravity for granted. WILLOW: Does that mean people can fly? AUTHOR: No, it means JARETH can fly. XANDER: Always a catch. JARETH: (smiles) It's good to be the King. AUTHOR: Tanto! TANTO: Get off my back! TEAZER: (jumps away) Sorry, Tan'o. TANTO: Bad enough, I have to be a pile of junk, now I have you almost sitting on me. Watch where you're going! TEAZER: I was lookin' for somethin'. TANTO: What? TEAZER: My creepy blue brother, bu' I'm no' supposed to remembah. TANTO: (hands her a teddybear) Well look here! TEAZER: 'EY! Tha's wha' go' me 'ere to staht wif'! 'And i' ovah! TANTO: Why dont' you come in here and see if there's anything else you like. TEAZER: (looks in the doorway) No' loikly. I loik livin' in a junkyahd be'er than an 'ouse. you don' ge' in as much trouble in a junkyahd. JELLICLES: (snicker) AUTHOR: Script! TEAZER: (frowns and walks into the room) An' now, I'm supposed to believe this was all a dream. This Sarah wasn' very brigh', was she? JARETH: (snickers) AUTHOR: Just follow the script. TEAZER: (now on the bed--gets up and opens the door) TANTO: Better to stay in here! There's nothing you want out there. TEAZER: Bu' I said I luv junkyahds! MUNGO: Me too! TANTO: (yanks Teazer back into the room) I SAID there's NOTHING you want out there! SVEN: I don't remember her doing that. AUTHOR: I don't remember Sarah saying she loved junkyards, either, nor do I remember her referring to Toby as "creepy and blue". Just go with it. JARETH: I don't remember Toby BEING creepy and blue. AUTHOR: Details, details. Get on with it! Tanto takes Teazer around the room, sticking toys to her back-- XANDER: Okay, I can buy talking heads and biting fairies, but the fact that toys are actually going to stick to her BACK?? Now THAT'S dumb. AUTHOR: Jareth, shut him up! He's insulting our story! JARETH: (snaps his fingers) XANDER: (falls asleep) AUTHOR: Thankyou! Okay, Teazer finds her "Labyrinth" book, and reads the part about the 'give me the child' thing, and comes to her senses. TEAZER: Does tha' mean i 'ave to save the creepy brother now? ALL: YES!!! THUD AND WOLVIE: (pull Teazer out of the junk) TEAZER: Where are we? SVEN: Da-uh! WOLVIE: In a junkyard? PEANUT GALLERY: Here's your sign! TEAZER: (glares) THUD: Teazer back! RUFIO: Whoopie, I can barely contain my excitement. TEAZER: Are we there, ye'? WOLVIE: Those are the gates of the Goblin City! SPIKE: Does that mean this is almost over yet? AUTHOR: (laughs) No. TEAZER, WOLVIE, AND THUD: (approach the gates, where the guards are still asleep) JARETH: I'll have to talk with them later, about this. --As soon as the group is through the gates, a second gate slams closed, and five vampires jump down in front of them-- SVEN: Huh? AUTHOR: Sarah and her friends killed Humongus. He's currently not available. WOLVIE: (snikt) Come and get it!!!! DIDYMUS: That seems rather unfair. AUTHOR: (shrugs) It works. SVEN: But Magneato was supposed to save them. AUTHOR: Wait. WOLVIE: (dispatches all the vampires) SPIKE: And the rest of us are glad HE'S not the Slayer. BUFFY: Thanks....I think. TEAZER: Now 'ow do we ge' ou' of 'ere? --They push on the metal gate, but none of them can budge it.-- SVEN: Creative. MAGNEATO: (walks in, smiling) How much do you need me? SPIKE: You're kidding, right? No way that little runt is gonna ge' that open! AUTHOR: You've never read "X-Men", have you? RUFIO: Like YOU have, oh comic book hater. AUTHOR: I saw the movie. Besides, I DID read some of the comics. You have to know the characters you use in spoofs.....and I thought the X-Babies were really cool. ALL X-BABIES: (wild cheering) AUTHOR: Magneato, open the gate. MAGNEATO: (waves his hand, causing the gates to open, then sticks his tongue out st Spike) --The four of them make their way through Goblin City.-- AUTHOR: Meanwhile, in Misto's throne room, Misto is playing with Creepy. CYKE: (comes running in) Your Highneth!! Your Highneth! MISTO: What? CYKE: The girl-cat! MISTO: What of her? CYKE: Thee'th here!! MISTO: WHAT!? CYKE: Thee'th here with the fat kid and the mutant who worked for you! They've gotten through the gateth, and they're on their way to the cathel!! MISTO: STOP her!!! Call out the guards! Take the baby and hide it! She must be stopped! Do something!!! --Misto hands Creepy over to Shower and rush out to watch the goblins-- MEANWHILE, IN GOBLIN CITY ********************************** TEAZER: We're no' gonna make i'. I' says so in the scrip'. --Goblins and X-Babies appear at all sides with spears and weaponry-- MAGNEATO: Piece of cake. (waves his arms--the weapons fly up in the air) Amateurs. SVEN: Creative. JARETH: (smacks his forehead in disbelief) That is NOT fair! AUTHOR: (laughing) I kind of like it. SVEN: Does that mean the war's over? AUTHOR: Magneato? MAGNEATO: (waves his arms--The weapons fly outside the city and land in the junk heap) JARETH: Well, the junk people are going to have a field day. AUTHOR: Okay, the war's over. Go find Creepy. TEAZER: (shrugs and follows the others through the doors to the castle) Tha' was easy. IN THE EMPTY THRONE ROOM ********************************* WOLVIE: Which way did he go? SVEN: I know every tree in da forest... AUTHOR: POW! Dere's one now. PEANUT GALLERY: (snickers) SPIKE: (to Macavity) Are they always like this? ALL JELLICLES: YES!!! TEAZER: The scrip' says 'e went tha' way, bu' I 'ave to go alone. WOLVIE: Okay, BYE! MAGNEATO: Don't forget to write! DIDYMUS: (frowns in disapproval) WOLVIE: An' don't hurry back! TEAZER: Your concern is overwhelmin'. MAGNEATO: (smiling) We try. TEAZER: (walks up the stairs, and ends up in a room full of stairways and doorways, all intercut) SPIKE: Freaky. BUFFY: I'm getting dizzy. JARETH: That's the idea. MISTO: (walks in, upside down) GILES: How do we know WE'RE not the one upside-down? AUTHOR: (smiles) You don't. TEAZER: (watches misto as he makes his rounds, walking sideways, upside-down, and finally, right-side up) RUFIO: Well, THAT'S enough to make a person dizzy. TEAZER: (reads her script) You're supposed to throw a crystal. MISTO: (shrugs and throws it) CREEPY: (catches it, and runs from Teazer, bamfing all over the room) Can't catch ME!!!! BUFFY: What are they doing, playing "Keep away"? JARETH: Wasting time. RUFIO: And this Sarah fell for THAT? JARETH: (grins) Hook , line, and sinker! SPIKE: You are the King. TEAZER: I'm no' chasin' 'im! Now give me the chil'! MISTO: Teazer, beware. I have been generous up until now, but I can be cruel. TEAZER: Wha' 'ave you done tha's generous? MISTO: EVERYTHING!!! Everything that you wanted, I have done! I have reordered time. I have turned the world up-side DOWN, and I have done it all for YOU! I am exhausted from living up to your expectations of me. Isn't that generous? TEAZER: Well, yeh, I guess so. Okay, you keep 'im. (turns away) AUTHOR: Teazer! TEAZER: Wha' am I supposed to do!? 'E 'as a poin'! JARETH: Well, at least SOMEone took notice! (looks at the camera) Are you writing this down, Sarah? SPIKE: Sarah sure was ungrateful. AUTHOR: Okay, we all agree. Sarah was a moron, now let's finish this! BUFFY: Amen. SVEN: You know you don't have to be here. Nobody invited you. TEAZER: Through dangers untol', an' 'ardships unnumbehed, I 'ave fough' me way 'ere, to the castle beyond the Goblin Ci'y. For my will is as strong as yours, an' my kingdom is grea'-- MISTO: Stop! Look what I'm offering you, your dreams! (holds up another crystal) TEAZER: My kin'dom is grea'....wha's me nex' line? SPIKE: We're screwed. TEAZER: Tha's no' i'! MISTO: I ask for so little...just let me rule you-- SVEN: Oh yeah, so little. MISTO: And you can have anything you want............except your brother, that is. TEAZER: I didn' wan' 'im anyway! AUTHOR: Teazer, script! TEAZER: My kin'dom is grea'......... MISTO: Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave. BUFFY: Okay, THAT one didn't make sense. SPIKE: Who writes this crap, anyway? JARETH: Shut up! TEAZER: You 'ave no power over me! (clock starts chiming) MISTO: (disappears, and Teazer is now back home) WILLOW: Is it over yet? AUTHOR, SVEN, AND JARETH: NO!!!!!!!!! TEAZER: (rushes upstairs to check on Creepy) CREEPY: (is in his crib, asleep) TEAZER: Oh BUGGER!!!! 'E's still 'ere!!! SVEN: Da-uh!!! You WON, Moron! JARETH: Here's your sign. TEAZER: (stalks back to her room) MUNKU AND JENNY: (arrive home) Teazer, are you home? TEAZER: Yes!!! (mutters) Unfortuna'ly. AUTHOR: Then they all have a party in Teazer's room! Somebody wake up Xander and Pouncy! JARETH: (shrugs) POUNCE: What's going on? TUMBLE: PARTY!!!!!!!!!! XANDER: Is it over already? ALL: YES!!!!!! AUTHOR: The end! AFTER THE SPOOF ************************ SPIKE: So all of this happened while Sarah was babysitting? SVEN: Uh-huh. SPIKE: She wasn't getting paid for that, was she? JARETH: Why? SPIKE: Well.....you did all the work. JARETH: (frowns) Good point. AUTHOR: Make her pay you. JARETH: Maybe I will. LATER ON ******************** --Sarah watches the video--- SARAH: I don't believe this! JARETH: (shrugs) I found it amusing. SARAH: Toby was NOT Creepy and blue, and I was NOT a moron! CASSI: Could have fooled me. SARAH: (to Cassi) So you're the one who did this? CASSI: Yes! Admit it, it was funny! SARAH: Well, the little blue guy WAS kind'a cute, but the Labyrinth did NOT have vampires in it, and Sir Didymus did NOT have steel claws. JARETH: Adamantium, Sarah. Big difference. CASSI: But you liked it, right? SARAH: (biting her lip) CASSI: You're laughing! SARAH: (gives way to incoherent laughter) JARETH: Now about this babysitting. Were you getting paid? SARAH: They gave me some money for it, yeah. Why? JARETH: Fork over! I did the work! CASSI: (walks off, as the tow argue over who should have gotten paid) THE END...............or is it? COMING SOON......"DOT, THE VAMPIRE SLAYER" BY CASSI(evilspoofauthor2)