"THE THREE MUSKETEERS, A SPOOF" BY CASSI (evilspoofauthor2) ************************************************************************* Before all the other crap, I would like to announce that this is obviously a repost. The original posting was taken offline by fanfic.net. This is the missing spoof between Robin Hood: Spike in Tights and Cutthroat Island. It marks the return of Ardeth Bay, and the conclusion of our first season. I hope you all enjoy it. Please review if you can. I lost all the old ones to this when it was bumped offline! Thanx! ************************************************************************* DISCLAIMER: Characters from the following Movies, Series, musical, and comic books: "The Three Musketeers", "Robin Hood: Men in Tights", "The Mummy", "Hook", "Labyrinth", "X Files", "The Lone Gunmen", "Buffy: the Vampire Slayer", "Angel", "Animaniacs", "MacGyver", "Cats", "X-Men" (the movie and the comics), and "X Babies". --Obviously, I don't own these and will be returning them in working order, only slightly insane- -Sorry. REFERENCES TO: "Fraiser", Jerry Springer, "Jerrie Mungo"(by Mistibom), The Oleson Twins (no offense, girls), Jeff Foxworthy, Ace Ventura, Pet Detective, The Eurythmics "The King and Queen of America", "The Princess Bride"spoof (by Sven), The "Star Wars" spoofs (by Sven), "The Vampire Mummy" (By Cassi), "Dot: the Vampire Slayer" (By Cassi), "Robin Hood: Spike (and a lot of other guys) In Tights" (By Cassi), and future Spoofs by Cassi. ORIGINAL CHARACTERS: Bob, the Bobcat and Chris Mason, by Cassi. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ side note...This takes place after part one of "Return of the Spoof", so Logan IS out of carbonite... However, "Return of the Spoof" will not be posted until after this one because I would rather have it all uploaded together, as the rest of it does not take place until after this one....Sorry for the inconvenience. CAST FOR "THE THREE MUSKETEERS, A SPOOF" ********************************************** ARAMIS........................................................................Agent Fox Mulder (X Files) ATHOS...........................................................................Rupert Giles (Buffy) PORTHOS......................................................................Angus MacGyver (MacGyver) D'ARTAGNAN..............................................................Logan "Wolverine" (X Men) CARDINAL RICHLIEU.................................................Jack Dalton (MacGyver) MILADY DeWINTER...................................................Buffy Summers (Buffy) QUEEN ANNE................................................................Sarah Williams (Labyrinth) ROCHEFORT..................................................................Murdoc (MacGyver) GIRARD...........................................................................Pouncival (Cat) CONSTANCE..................................................................Jubilation Lee "Jubilee" (X Men) KING LOUIS....................................................................Xander Harris (Buffy) HENRI...............................................................................Macavity (Cat) PARKER...........................................................................Munkustrap (Cat) ARMAND DeWINTER..................................................Jareth (Labyrinth) EXECUTIONER...............................................................Ardeth Bay (The Mummy) "UGLY"............................................................................Mojo (X Men) ASSASSIN......................................................................John F. Byers (Lone Gunmen) CARDINAL'S GUARD..................................................Vampires MUSKETEERS...............................................................Assassins BARMAIDS 1-5 ************* Harmony (Buffy), Anyanka (Buffy), Penny Parker (MacGyver), "Sarah" (MacGyver), and Drusilla (Buffy) GIRARD'S THREE BROTHERS (Cats) ******************************** Tumblebrutus, Admetus, and Plato. MEDICAL: Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer (Cats) PEANUT GALLERY ******************* Sven (Author's sister), Chris Mason, Porthos (Musketeers), Spike (Buffy), Dawn Summers (Buffy), Rufio (Hook), Melvin Frohike (Lone Gunmen), Richard Langly (Lone Gunmen), The X-Babies, The Brotherhood of Mutant Bullies (X-Babies comics), Scott Summers (X-Men), Agent Dana Scully (X Files), Nikki Carpenter (MacGyver), Mr. Mistoffelees (Cat), Peter Banning (Hook), Jack Banning (Hook), and the Warners (Animaniacs). ALSO FEATURING ********************* The Jawas, James "Jimmy" Bond (Lone Gunmen), The Snowcone Guy, and Dr. Willis (MacGyver) CAMERA CAT: Bob ASSISTANT TO THE AUTHOR: Prince John (Robin Hood: Men in Tights) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BEFORE THE SPOOF ********************** MURDOC: Yes!!!! I get to be the major bad guy!!!! LOGAN: (reading the script) And I get to kill you. MURDOC: (makes a face) Maybe we should have left you in carbonite. MULDER: I'm a Musketeer? PORTHOS: You got a problem with it? (pulls out a cross-bow) SCULLY: (points a gun at him) DROP IT! LANGLY: Byers is an assassin? JOHN: Yep, he gets to assassinate Xander over there. BYERS: (grins widely) MURDOC: HEY! Mister Med-jai is back already! ARDETH: (grins) SPIKE: Couldn't stay away? ARDETH: I'm told I'm starring in the next one. LANGLY: You're a bad guy. ARDETH: I know. I get to order you to be hanged and drop you off a cliff. LANGLY: (stares openmouthed for a minute and faints) NIKKI: (sarcastically) Oh yeah, I can hardly wait to act with him. PETER: How many people die in this? AUTHOR: Um...Byers, Buffy, Murdoc, Mojo......I think that's it. BYERS: Wait a minute, you didn't say anything about dying. MISTO: (pats his shoulder) Don't worry, Mungo can bring you back. He does it all the time. JOHN: You've seen the "Mummy" video. It can't be worse than those deaths. LANGLY: (stands back up) I gotta say this spoofacting thing really sucks. GILES: (smiles) We know, but it is occasionally fun. BUFFY: Now about me dying... JOHN: No time! Places everyone! AUTHOR: Logan and Pouncie! ACTION! THE SPOOF ***************** LOGAN: I'm fighting a cat!? JOHN: Yes, and your point is? LANGLY: Wait a minute, this isn't the beginning of the movie. JACK D: Yeah, don't I get to kill a guy? AUTHOR: Sorry, we don't have any anyone to play the guy. Therefore, we start where I say we start. (glances at Jack about to protest) Because I'M the Author, that's why! Now--ACTION! LOGAN & POUNCE: (shrug and start fighting with their swords) PORTHOS: Does anyone on this set actually know how to use those things? AUTHOR: The pointy end goes into the other guy. PORTHOS: Oy. SPIKE: I can, Buffy can, Murdoc can, Ardeth can.....I think that's about it. DOT: Hey! We can! YAKKO & WAKKO: Yeah! AUTHOR: Munku and Misto can, too. They were the stars in the Princess Bride, and Logan starred in Star Wars, but he mostly used a blaster before he got put in carbonite. JOHN: Can we just get on with it? The Author can just snap her fingers and then they can fight like pros. LOGAN: I know a better way. (snikt) AUTHOR: (flatly) Funny. Now put 'em back! You fight with a sword, now follow the script! LOGAN: (rolls his eyes and retracts his claws) POUNCE: (who was staring in horror, relaxes) JOHN: Okay, boys, let's take it from the top! AUTHOR: ACTION! Take.....is it two or three? JOHN: Two, I think. BYERS: I counted three. AUTHOR: We didn't start that time, so it doesn't count. CHRIS: Yo people, are we starting at all? Sven and I wanna know if we have time to go to a movie with the dude from "Frasier". SVEN: Niles. We have business to discuss. AUTHOR: NO! We really are starting now. Pounce and Logan- if you don't start this spoof, we're casting you under different roles! JOHN: Where Murdoc and Ardeth can pretend you're targets. LOGAN: (in a singsong tone) Healing factor! AUTHOR: (in the same tone) Abominable! LOGAN & POUNCE: Yes ma'am, right away. PASTURE OUTSIDE OF PARIS ******************************* LOGAN & POUNCE: (are fighting with swords) LOGAN: How about you save yourself the trouble and quit? POUNCE: My sister's honor is at stake. LOGAN: Pounce, your sister is a cat! How could you possibly think I would do anything? LANGLY: Hey, that's your business, man. We don't really need to know. CHRIS: Speak for yourself, dude. Details, Logan, details. DAWN: (to Chris) Seek help. POUNCE: I know what I saw! CHRIS: (leans forward) Someone call Jerry Springer! This is good! MUNGO: Does Jerrie Mungo work? LOGAN: (ignores them) I told her I was leaving for Paris. She wanted to give me something to remember her by. MUNGO: Wow, this is be'er than the Vampire in love with the Slayer thing. TEAZER: (nods in agreement and leans forward) POUNCE: LAIR! (attacks with his sword) LOGAN: This is stupid, Pounce. All I want to do is go to Paris and become a Musketeer. POUNCE: YOU? A Musketeer? FANTASY! SCOTT: I couldn't have said it better myself. LOGAN: Somebody hit him. SCULLY: (shrugs and gives Scott a brainduster) LOGAN: My father was a Musketeer. JUBILEE: Now there's a new one. LOGAN: The king's personal bodyguard. CHRIS: At least he has something to tell his shrink. I just gotta say my dad's a psycho. SVEN: Which one? Real or step? CHRIS: (considers it) Both. MURDOC: (glares) Not funny. PETER: I thought you had the dysfunctional look about you. AUTHOR: STORY! POUNCE: The King was assassinated, your father was a failure. A disgrace to the Musketeers. FROHIKE: Did Byers do that one? JOHN: Nope, Murdoc did. MURDOC: (grins like a maniac) MACGYVER: Figures. PENNY: I'm not surprised. JOHN: SCRIPT! POUNCE: (to Logan) Your line. LOGAN: What did you say? RUFIO: What are you, deaf? He said YOUR LINE! LOGAN: That WAS my line! RUFIO: (grins) I know, I couldn't resist. LOGAN: I'm going to get you, you know. RUFIO: Yeah, you wish. AUTHOR : STORY! POUNCE: Your father was a disgrace! LOGAN: (fights Pounce to a stand-still) POUNCE: (on his knees) My brothers will avenge me. (closes his eyes) --Tumble, Plato and Admetus come, riding horses-- LOGAN: (looks up) Already? (takes off running, jumps on his horse, and rides away) POUNCE: (opens his eyes and jumps up) --The other cats ride by, after Logan-- POUNCE: He's MINE! That......FREAK is MINE! SVEN: Yeah, you and ten million other X-Men fans. CHRIS: Are those wedding bells I hear? MULDER: Could just be ringing in your ears. How much head trauma have you had? CHRIS: Don't remember, ask my creator. ALL: (look at Author) AUTHOR: Only one blow. Back to the spoof. Prepare for the chase scene. JOHN: Logan rides his horse through the woods and into a small village. CHRIS: This is what they did before they had cars to joyride around in. JOHN: (continues) Terrorizing people and successfully ditching all his attackers. POUNCE: (sitting on the ground) I'll GET you FREAK BOY!!!! You just WAIT!!!!! LOGAN: In the meantime, give my regards to your sister. XANDER: Oh gross, he's saying he did have an affair with a cat! AUTHOR: End scene one. Now on to Paris! JOHN: Musketeer headquarters! We need Murdoc and two vampires wearing red tunics! MUSKETEER HEADQUARTERS ******************************* VAMPIRE 1: What should I do with the Musketeer flag? MURDOC: Burn it. I still have a flamethrower. PORTHOS: That's a new one. AUTHOR: What can we say? Rochefort of the 21st century. Comes fully loaded with all the extras. SVEN: Batteries included. VAMPIRES: (throw the flag into the fireplace, where Murdoc fires his flamethrower at it) CHRIS: (nudges Sven) Portable cow-cooker, huh? SVEN: Guarranteed to grill a whole cow. LANGLY & BYERS: (look at them as if they're insane) CHRIS: (smiles proudly) That's my Stepdad. LANGLY: (who was sitting next to Chris, gets up and moves to the other side of Mulder) AUTHOR: Please continue, Murdoc. MURDOC: (steps out onto the balcony and looks down at the assassins wearing the blue tunics) My fellow assassins! By the order of His Majesty, King Xander and His Eminence, Cardinal Jack....that sounds so stupid. JOHN: Just read. MURDOC: The Musketeer Assassins are officially disbanded. ASSASSINS: (all protesting at once) MURDOC: In preparation for the coming war with England, we're forcing you to join the army. MULDER: It's a conspiracy, that's right. AUTHOR: Yeah right, so's the Taco Bell dog and the Oleson Twin's videos, who cares?! Just continue the spoof! MURDOC: (continues) And until you get your final draft notices, GO HOME! ASSASSIN 1: And who will protect the King? MURDOC: The Cardinal's guards have already assumed that responsibility. BUFFY: Yeah RIGHT! The Cardinal's guards are all vampires! They hate Xander! SPIKE: Who doesn't? BUFFY: Don't make me drag you out of here and beat you. JOHN: Don't make me call Abominable. SPIKE & BUFFY: (silence) MURDOC: As I was saying...you are ordered to disperse. Should even one of you resist, we'll kill all of you. All for one, and one for all. AUTHOR: The assassins throw their swords in a pile, and their tunics into the fire. ASSASSINS: (stare at the bonfire) ASSASSIN 2: There's a new one. JOHN, AUTHOR, & SVEN: (muttering) Trayf. MURDOC: Obviously, the Snowcone Guy's back. KEVIN: (as Jeff Foxworthy) We will not have a flame that big without a pig on it, I guarantee it. FAT GUY: (enters and looks around) Dang good barbecue in front of that castle there. (walks off) ALL: (stare for a minute) ARDETH: (is biting his lip) AUTHOR: (as Ace Ventura) Yummy. ALL: (laughter) SPIKE: I'm hungry. JOHN: Okay, forget the whole tunic burning. Now, while the others.....um....eat, Murdoc has a scene with Jack Dalton. MURDOC: I'm not kissing his hand. JACK: Eeeeewwww. I wouldn't trust him to touch me. AUTHOR: Just do your lines. MURDOC: Your Eminence. JACK: An impressive performance. I especially admired that last touch. "All for one, and one for all." If I hadn't known better, I'd almost thought you wanted them to riot. MURDOC: It would have given us a reason to arrest them. JACK: Hardly needed. The Musketeers are finished. MURDOC: Not entirely. There are three. JACK: Three? SVEN: Yeah, you know, that number between four and two. CHRIS: No! JACK: (glares) AUTHOR: We need someone to play the head of the Cardinal's guard. JOHN: Who wants to fall off a very high wall? ALL: (silence) AUTHOR: (scans the Peanut Gallery) SCOTT! Get up here! SCOTT: (glares) They WOULD ask me to play a character that Logan kills. LOGAN: The irony. JOHN: Get up there and do your part. SCOTT: (grumbles and stands up) We sent a patrol to find them. They haven't returned yet. JACK: I want those Musketeers, not your excuses. Time is running out. AUTHOR: CUT! Next scene! That was great boys. MURDOC: Don't I get to do the candle thing? AUTHOR: (looks at John, who shrugs) Knock yourself out. MURDOC: (swings his sword at three candles, then knocks the tops off of them, one at a time) Mulder, Giles, and MacGyver. JOHN: Now on to the next scene. OUTSKIRTS OF PARIS **************************** --Logan comes riding up to see the city from a distance--Jubilee and Sarah Williams come riding their horses. They appear to be getting chased by two riders-- LOGAN: (hops off his horse and hides) --As the riders go under the archway he's sitting on, Logan drops a sandbag on one chaser's head. The other stops and Logan beats him up--Meanwhile, two bandits steal their horses and ride away, laughing-- PORTHOS: Well, that was stupid. AUTHOR: Couldn't help it. Thought it would be funny. JUBILEE: (comes back and points a gun at Logan) Do you have any idea what you've done? LOGAN: (shrugs) I've just saved you and your friend from these bandits. JUBILEE: (rolls her eyes) No, the bandits just stole their horses. These are the Queen's own body-guards. SARAH: (smiles and waves) CHRIS: Oh yeah, definite Queen material. JARETH: (glares) Ahem. CHRIS: No comment, sir. NIKKI: Definitely related to Murdoc. AUTHOR: Logan, your line. The rest of you--BUGGER OFF! LOGAN: The Queen? I'm sorry, I had no idea. SCOTT: Obviously. JUBILEE: Why do I ask this? I already KNOW his name. JOHN: Ahem! JUBILEE: What's your name? LOGAN: Do I tell her Logan or Wolverine? MULDER: How about Logan Wolverine? JUBILEE: Whatever. LOGAN: I came to Paris to join the Musketeers. JUBILEE: Then I'm sure I'll be hearing your name again. LOGAN: Would that please you? CHRIS: First he says he's having an affair with a cat, now he's coming on to a mutant who's alomst like his sister. SVEN: He HAS been in carbonite for a while. JUBILEE: Ladies in waiting are forbidden to socialize with Musketeers. LOGAN: I'm not a Musketeer yet. PORTHOS: God help us. JUBILEE: With that kind of courage, you will be one soon enough...that sounds really dumb. JOHN: You'd rather be a robot that does nothing but beep? JUBILEE: (pastes a smile on her face) And thankyou for the entertainment. I enjoyed it immensely. LOGAN: You didn't tell me YOUR name! DOT: Da-uh! LOGAN: In the script! JUBILEE: (rides off) Jubilee! AUTHOR: Logan smiles and watches her ride away. Cut! End of scene. Onto Paris! HARMONY: Ooo, do we get to see the Eiffel Tower? PORTHOS: (looks at her like she's insane) Is she for real? SPIKE: Unfortunately. HARMONY: What? LANGLY: This was before the Eiffel Tower was built. DOT: Hello. ANYA: Well, at least I knew that. XANDER: That's because you were alive then. SCULLY: (stares at her) I don't even want to know. RUFIO: Probably smarter that way. She'd take forever to explain it, anyway. AUTHOR: Next scene! PARIS ************* --Logan rides his horse up to the building where the...."pig roast" was. The place is deserted, so he goes inside and finds Giles kneeling in front of the fireplace-- LOGAN: Is this Musketeer headquarters? GILES: (stands up quickly and pulls his sword) LOGAN: (snikt) GILES: (relaxes) No, this WAS Musketeer headquarters. LOGAN: You mean it's been moved. MUNGO: 'E wasn' very smah', was 'e? PORTHOS: (smiles) No. GILES: No, I mean the Musketeers have been disbanded, they no longer exist. Feel free to poke around for souvenirs if you wish. LOGAN: (stops him as he is walking out) I just got here. How am I supposed to become a Musketeer if they've been disbanded? GILES: I'd say you have quite a problem. LOGAN: You're not being very helpful. BYERS: Is it me, or is this guy rude? PORTHOS: It isn't you. He was rude. GILES: You need a lesson in manners, boy. LOGAN: Excuse me, I'm older than you. GILES: Is he? AUTHOR: Yep. SVEN: It's true. JOHN: Okay, we don't care. Just say the lines. LOGAN: Any time. GILES: Why don't you meet me outside the city by the ruins, let's say noon? (walks off) LOGAN: I'll be there. JOHN: CUT! AUTHOR: Next scene- enter Pounce and his three brothers. PORTHOS: By the way, that wimp had four brothers. AUTHOR: I know. Snowcone Guy already mentioned that, so I'll tell you what I told him. This is a spoof and I decided he had three brothers. It don't make any difference, cuz nobody cares. All Girard was, was added comic relief. POUNCE: Thanks....I think. JOHN: Don't mention it. STREET IN PARIS ************************ --Pounce, Tumble, Admetus and Plato come riding their horses into Paris-- LOGAN: (comes out of the courtyard of the Musketeer headquarters) POUNCE: There he is!!! Come on! And all of you good for nothing humans..GET OUT OF THE WAY!!! SVEN: I think Pouncy's lost it. MISTO: Apparently, he's suffering from catnip withdraw. AUTHOR: Okay, they all jump off their horses and chase them on foot. CHRIS: Ooookaaay. JOHN: Don't ask. AUTHOR: So naturally--Chris--Logan jumps off his horse too. LOGAN: (hands the reins of his horse to Magneato) Hold this horse for me. MAGNEATO: Do I have a sign that says, "Sucker?" JOHN: No, but you hold it anyway. MAGNEATO: Who says? AUTHOR: I do. MAGNEATO: (grumbles and holds the horse) JOHN: Logan takes off running, rounds a corner, knocks into one guy, who knocks into another guy, who knocks into a table, which causes a glass of water to land in MacGyver's lap. MURDOC: Which causes me to start laughing. AUTHOR: Cute. CHRIS: (snickering) PORTHOS: I didn't think it was funny. MACGYVER: Excuse me! (stands up and shakes the water out of his sash) LOGAN: (turns to look) MACGYVER: This sash was a gift to me from the Queen of America. LOGAN: There's no Queen of America. AUTHOR: Yes there is, haven't you heard of the Eurythmics? LOGAN: Huh? SVEN: Don't ask, she's an eighties nut. MACGYVER: I beg to differ, infant. We're on quite intimate terms unless you can prove otherwise. MURDOC: MacGyver's on intimate terms with a Queen? Interesting. CHRIS: What kind of Queen? PORTHOS: Queen of America. RUFIO: A queen in America. CHRIS: I rest my case. ALL WHO UNDERSTOOD THE JOKE: (incoherent laughter) ARDETH: What? MULDER: (leans over and whispers in his ear) ARDETH: (makes a face) Eeeewww. MACGYVER: Very funny. PETER: (looks at MacGyver) That's disturbing. JOHN: You ain't seen nothing yet. AUTHOR: Can we continue now? LOGAN: (snikt) Here's my proof! MACGYVER: It's twit of the month come to challenge the mighty MacGyver. MURDOC: MIGHTY MacGyver!? CHRIS: I think I'm going to ralph. SVEN: I thought that was Langly's territory. BYERS & FROHIKE: (incoherent laughter) LANGLY: (glares) Funny. AUTHOR: HEY! I saw your shows! I know how many times you've thrown up, not to mention twice in the last spoof. LANGLY: Great, so now I'm branded for life? AUTHOR: I wouldn't get an attitude if I were you. LANGLY: And why is that? AUTHOR: I said I saw ALL your shows. (smiles) Moooo. LANGLY: (stares in horror) BYERS & FROHIKE: (laugh harder...as if that were possible) CHRIS: What about "Mooo"? LANGLY: You wouldn't. AUTHOR: Sit and behave. LANGLY: (sits in silence) SPIKE: Something tells me that's a juicy one. BYERS: You have no idea. LANGLY: (elbows him) JOHN: Okay, now back to the spoof. LOGAN: The mighty WHO~!? MACGYVER: Don't tell me you've never heard of me. LOGAN: The world's biggest windbag? MURDOC: Couldn't have said it better myself. MACGYVER: (glares) Little pimple, meet me behind the Luxenburg at one, and bring a long wooden box. LOGAN: Bring your own. MACGYVER: (laughs) LOCAL HOME ******************** AUTHOR: We need a blond girl. Harmony? Get in there. You get to kiss Mulder. MULDER: WHAT!? JOHN: You're Aramis, dummy, now do what you're told! SPIKE: Interesting. MULDER: (is reading from the Bible on Adam and Eve) HARMONY: (comes up and kisses him) MULDER: (pushes her back) Madam, I am flattered, but I am here to tutor you in Theology. HARMONY: (reads script) Forgive me, Agent sir, but when you started talking about original sin, I lost control and became impassionate. It won't happen again. RUFIO: Excuses, excuses. MULDER: (appears to think about it) Well, there's nothing wrong with exploring one's-- (is cut off by Harmony kissing him again) AUTHOR: Scott, go play Harmony's husband, too. SCOTT: WHAT!? NO WAY! ALL: (snickering) JOHN: Just get up and do it! All you have to do is shoot Mulder. SVEN: I thought he just had to shoot AT him. AUTHOR: Details, details. MULDER: (is struggling) MMMMHELP!!!!!! ALL: (watching as Harmony is all but tearing his clothes off) LANGLY: I think I'm gonna be sick. AUTHOR: I rest my case. FROHIKE & BYERS: (are laughing again) RUFIO: I wanna know what "Moooo" means. AUTHOR: Maybe later. ***for those who didn't see "Lone Gunmen", Langly ended up having to stick his arm up a bull's..rear end, to put it nicely...you get the point, right?*** MULDER: Could you just come in and shoot me already? SCOTT: (sighs and starts banging on the door) LET ME IN!!!! HARMONY: My husband! MULDER: You're MARRIED!? SPIKE: No, who'd marry HER? BUFFY: (elbows him) HARMONY: Yes, I'm married. MULDER: We must pray for our sins. (kneels on the floor in front of her) SCOTT: (fires and optic blast, blowing the door open and fires a second one at Mulder) MULDER: On second thought, God's often busy. (runs to the balcony and jumps off as Harmony tries to stop Scott from shooting at him) SCOTT: (fires again and misses Mulder's shoulder by less than an inch) MULDER: HEY! SCULLY: Watch it! SCOTT: Sorry, I was in the moment. (returns to his seat) MULDER: (jumps from the top of a wagon and lands on Logan) OW!! You WOULD have that metal skeleton, wouldn't you? Sorry about that. LOGAN: GET OFF! (pushes Mulder to the ground) MULDER: You certainly are rude. LOGAN: You fell on me! MULDER: And I said I was sorry. LOGAN: Well, your apology's not accepted! MULDER: I hope your sword is as quick as your mouth. LOGAN: (snikt) It's quicker. MULDER: A duel then. LOGAN: A duel. MULDER: (pulls out his datebook) Two-o-clock good for you? LOGAN: (pulls out his own) Lets see.....um...yeah, I can fit you in then. MURDOC: Different. SVEN: I like it. MULDER: (walks off) LOGAN: Three duels in one day. SCOTT: I'm telling you it's his way with people. TEAZER: You don' say. AUTHOR: CUT! Next scene! That was great, boys! JOHN: Now we need Sarah Williams and Jack Dalton. AUTHOR: And Xander. JOHN: Right, him, too. XANDER: I get a scene? Cool. JARETH: Fruitcake. WAKKO: Yep. AUTHOR: Okay, Sarah is standing in front of the map-wall thing and Jack comes up behind her. JACK: Homesick? SARAH: Cardinal Jack, you surprised me. JACK: I often have that effect on people. MURDOC: Yeah right. MACGYVER: (snickering) JACK: (glares and kisses Sarah's hand) I'm really a very gentle person. MURDOC: (is now choking on his soda pop) BUFFY: (whacks him on the back) MURDOC: (grunts in pain) What are you trying to do? Break my back?! BUFFY: Ooops, sorry. SVEN: You really should know better than that. Drinking anything on this set is hazardous to your health.... AUTHOR: Especially when you're sitting next to Buffy. SPIKE: (snickering) BUFFY: (pushes him off his chair) AUTHOR: I rest my case. JOHN: Back to the script. SARAH: (walks away) JACK: (follows her) You seem rather unhappy in your new home. SARAH: Lonely. Is that the same thing? JACK: Austria's loss is France's gain. SARAH: I'm not sure the King shares your opinion. We've barely spoken since our wedding day. Whenever we're together, he always seems a little uncertain. CHRIS: Got a "Ricky and Lucy" thing goin' there, huh, Xander? ANYA: Not MY Xander. JACK B: Who's Ricky and Lucy? ALL: (look at him) PETER: Watch "Nick at Night". AUTHOR: Can we continue? JACK: Arranged marriages can be tough. Your father and I thought yours would bring Austria and France closer together. SARAH: Countries align more swiftly than people, I'm afraid. JACK: Love is--I think--wasted on the young. --The door slams-- JOHN: His Majesty, King Xander. SPIKE: Scary thought. XANDER: (breezes into the room) Cardinal Jack--that DOES sound stupid-- I've been looking for you. JACK: (bows) Your Majesty. XANDER: Sarah, I didn't know you were here. MUNGO: 'E didn' read the scrip'. SVEN: Apparently not. XANDER: That IS in the script! AUTHOR: Continue. SARAH: Would you like me to leave? XANDER: No, please stay. Your Eminence, I demand an answer. JACK: Perhaps if I knew the question. XANDER: I heard that you went ahead and disbanded my Musketeers. JACK: You approved the decision. XANDER: But not the timing. I wanted to address them myself and explain the situation. These men aren't just my personal guards, they are my friends! JACK: Sorry man, but you know with the war and all, I thought we should act fast. XANDER: I will be the judge of what we should do....for me, and for FRANCE! PORTHOS: Before today, did he even know where France was? XANDER: HEY! I did take Geography! CHRIS: We've all seen France on the map! WAKKO: It's purple. JOHN: Oy. SARAH: I'm supposed to admire him for that? AUTHOR: Uhhh, no. Just stand there and smile. Jack? JACK: Of course. Forgive me. (exits) SPIKE: That was sick. JOHN: Okay, Xander leaves and Sarah just looks hurt. SARAH: (shrugs, breaks into noisy tears and flees from the room) PETER: Now THAT is an actress! AUTHOR: Somebody get that girl another Oscar! SARAH: (returns and accepts her award) Thankyou so much. (wipes a tear from her eye) SVEN: You only get ONE per spoof. SARAH: Right. (sits down) AUTHOR: Next scene! We need Murdoc and Jack! --Jack and Murdoc are on a stairway, somewhere in the castle-- JACK: He's becoming as troublesome as his father! MURDOC: He's a foolish boy, and barely that. JACK: That foolish boy as about to become a man, which is all the more reason for us to act fast. Are the loose ends being tied up? MURDOC: Two patrols have been sent. They haven't come back yet, but then they ARE being sent against an FBI Agent, a Watcher, and MacGyver, so I'm not surprised. JACK: I trust, Captain Murdoc, that you are doing everything in your power to rid us of this problem. Don't let having only one eye impair your vision. The loss of the other would be most inconvienient. MURDOC: Was that a threat, DALTON!? JACK: Uhhh, just reading my script. AUTHOR: Before Murdoc loses his temper and flames Jack where he stands, let's just go on to the next section. LOCAL BAR ***************** --A group of vampires in red tunics and Scott, kick open the door to find other vampires in red tunics bound and gagged in chairs. Mulder and Giles are at a table, casually polishing their swords-- SCOTT: What is this? GILES: A private party, celebrating the demise of the Musketeers-- DOT: Here's your sign. GILES: Go away. MULDER: Giles, is that any way to treat our guests? Gentlemen, come in. Your friends have been expecting you. SCOTT: You're under arrest. GILES: On who's authority? MURDOC: Mine. (steps to the front) CHRIS: Where'd he come from? SVEN: That's Murdoc for you. MULDER: Hello again....Cyclops. MURDOC: Is he talking to me or Scott? JOHN: Ummm...you. MURDOC: (nods) Alright then. (looks at Mulder) MULDER: (to Giles) When was the last time we had the pleasure of his company? GILES: Well, I worked with him in the "Mummy" spoof. AUTHOR: SCRIPT! GILES: (rolls his eyes) I believe it was the day he was cast out of the Musketeers. "Conduct unbecoming a Musketeer", that was the charge, was it not? MURDOC: You should know, the three of you stood against me. MULDER: It was the least we could do. MURDOC: You are hearby ordered to surrender your tunics and commissions at once-- CYKE: Thith ith boring. AUTHOR: Shut up and let him finish. WOLVIE: Yeah! (belts him across the face) CREEPY: Wolvie hit Cyke! SUGAH: Tattletail!!!! (steps on Creepy's tail) CREEPY & CYKE: WWAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! CHRIS: Well, that livened it up a bit. MURDOC: Can I finish now? WOLVIE: Are we stopping you? MURDOC: Where's my gun? SVEN: He's adamantium. MURDOC: I have a lightsaber too. AUTHOR: From where? MURDOC: (holds it up) This lightsaber was a gift to me from the Snowcone Guy, for the use of my rocket launcher in the "Mummy" spoof. PORTHOS: I like it. AUTHOR: Murdoc, finish your line. MURDOC: You can refuse, become outlaws, hunted men.....but why not come along quietly for old time's sake? MACGYVER: (jumps on top of the light fixture above, and he, and it, fall down to land on the vampires behind Murdoc) SCOTT: (has stepped out of the way) MACGYVER: Did I miss anyone? NIKKI: You missed Murdoc. SVEN: And Scott. MULDER: Congratulations, Mac, you brought down the house. MACGYVER: Oh drat. I was trying to hit Murdoc. THE THREE: (point their swords at Murdoc) GILES: You go back, and you tell the Cardinal that we will continue to do our sworn duty, which is to protect the King, and we will do everything in our power to make you and him miserable. MURDOC: Bold words. I look forward to ramming them down your throat. GILES: (chuckles, and walks off) MACGYVER: Murdoc.......is that even your real name, or did you pick it off a street sign? somewhere? (clinks swords with Mulder and they all walk off) MURDOC: (stands for a minute) That wasn't even funny. AUTHOR: Next scene! Logan is back! --Logan rides his horse to the ruins specified by Giles-- GILES: Your manners have not improved. You're late. LOGAN: Are you in a hurry to die? GILES: (snickers as MacGyver and Mulder ride up) Here come the grave diggers now. MACGYVER: Giles, you cannot fight this boy. GILES: Why not? YAKKO: Not in his contract? DOT: (elbows him) MACGYVER: I'm fighting him. LOGAN: Not until one-o-clock. MULDER: I have a duel with him, too. LOGAN: Not until two-o-clock. GILES: (laughs) Let's get on with it, then. Wouldn't want you to be late for your future engagements. (pulls off the coat he is wearing over his blue tunic) LOGAN: You're a Musketeer? MULDER & MACGYVER: (do the same) LOGAN: You're ALL Musketeers? JARETH: You're right, Scott, he DOES have a way with people. GILES: You choose your opponents well, or should I say foolishly. LOGAN: I've been looking all over for you. GILES: And now you've found us. We have some business to attend to, unless you'd like to make it for a later date. LOGAN: No, I'm a man of my word. But please believe me when I say that killing you will bring me no pleasure. I'll be with you gentlemen in a moment. MACGYVER: Oh, he's a feisty little fellow. MULDER: Feisty indeed. --Before Giles and Logan can begin their duel, five more horses ride up-- GILES: Only a fool would try to arrest us twice in one day. SCOTT: You're under arrest. MACGYVER & MULDER: A fool. SCOTT: The mutant's of no interest to me, he's free to go. Do you wish to come peacefully, or do you intend to resist? MACGYVER: Oh, don't be so stupid, of course we intend to resist. Just give us a moment, okay? --The three of them form a huddle--Logan tries to join-- MACGYVER: Five of them, three of us, hardly seems fair. (pushes Logan out of the way) MULDER: Maybe we should give them a chance to surrender. LOGAN: (pushes his way in) Excuse me, there's four of us. GILES: It's not your fight, you're not a Musketeer. LOGAN: I may not wear the tunic, but I believe I have the heart of a Musketeer. MACGYVER: Warrior. MULDER: Poet. GILES: You got a name? LOGAN: Logan Wolverine. GILES: Giles, Mulder, and MacGyver. MACGYVER: Hello. LOGAN: (to Mulder) Nice to meet you again. MULDER: Pleasure. MACGYVER: Well, everyone acquainted? --They all turn around and pull their swords-- MACGYVER: NOW we are prepared to resist you. SCOTT & THE VAMPIRES: (pull their swords and jump off their horses, shouting) AUTHOR: Prepare for the fight scene! KEVIN: (enters and hands several cards to the Author, John, Ardeth, Chris, Sven, and Porthos) The rest, he keeps) Start the fight. BYERS: Do I even want to know what those are for? SCULLY: I don't think so. AUTHOR: We're going to kill Scott, Langly. Can you handle it of do you need a barf bag? LANGLY: (glares) Not funny. AUTHOR: Just thought I'd ask. --The fight begins-- JOHN: And Scott takes on Logan, MacGyver gets one vampire, Mulder gets two, and Giles gets the other one. AUTHOR: And the fight is on! Giles shoves his vampire face-first into a wall, and the vampire continues the fight. JOHN: And Logan and Scott are a perfect match! Scott, using his eye-lasers-- SVEN: Optic blasts. JOHN: Whatever, and Logan using his claws....They start to climb the wall! AUTHOR: On to MacGyver and the vampire! They continue the fight with their swords! MURDOC: What, no duct tape? CHRIS: (elbows him) Quiet, this is good! JOHN: And Mulder continues his fight with two vampires, fighting both of the at the same time! He is backed up against a door-jam when-- AUTHOR: And both of the vampires have stabbed each other! Ladies and gentlemen, what a fight! BUFFY: (dives in and stakes both vampires) JOHN: And we go on to Giles and his vampire! The sword-play is magnificent! Beautiful job! Giles has stabbed and staked his vampire! AUTHOR: MacGyver has hacked off the top of the vampire's sword, and the vampire is running for his life! JACK: Way to go, MAC! MURDOC: (gives him a brainduster) Stop that, you're the CARDINAL! AUTHOR: And Mac pulls out whatever that thing is with the lead balls and string! ALL: (snickering) JOHN: Bolo. AUTHOR: Whatever. The vampire falls to the ground and Mulder stakes it! JOHN: Meanwhile, Scott and Logan are fighting at the top of a 30 foot wall! MULDER: Take a look at our mutant friend. GILES: Impressive, he's still alive. AUTHOR: And the fight goes on. Logan knocks the hat off Scott's head and then-- DOT: Oh, the humanity! --There is a loud scream, followed by a loud thud-- PETER: (stands up) And from the judges? For the fall? ARDETH: 5.0! KEVIN: 5.0! SVEN: 3.0! PORTHOS: 2.1! He didn't scream loud enough. JOHN: 4.5! AUTHOR: 4.1! CHRIS: 4.5! PETER: And for the landing? ARDETH: 5.0! KEVIN: 5.0! SVEN: 5.0! Good thud. PORTHOS: 6.0! He died. JOHN: 3.0! AUTHOR: 4.0! CHRIS: 5.0! LANGLY: That's degrading. AUTHOR: As we said....You ain't seen nothin' yet. MULDER: (leans over Scott) May the Lord forgive you for any sins you may have committed. SVEN: Little late for that. AUTHOR: Following the script. LOGAN: (to Giles) What's he doing? GILES: Weren't you listening? He's following the script. AUTHOR: Ahem. GILES: Last rites. Mulder takes death very seriously. FROHIKE: Since when? SCULLY: (shrugs) New one on me. MACGYVER: You, mutant, are arrogant, hot-tempered, and entirely too bold. I like that, reminds me of me. MURDOC: Yeah, right. MULDER: Don't encourage him. By helping us, he's made himself an outlaw a well. GILES: Not if he leaves Paris right now. LOGAN: I can't leave, I just got here. JARETH: Stubborn little man. SVEN: You have no idea. MACGYVER: Go home, find a wench, raise fat babies, and live a good long life. MURDOC: Uh-huh. Sounds do convincing, coming from the guy who's afraid of commitment. MACGYVER: (glares) LOGAN: What about the motto of the Musketeers? "All for one, and one for all?" GILES: Wake up, Mutant. The Musketeers are just a dream. --The three ride away and leave Logan standing alone. Meanwhile, as Logan gets back on his horse, Murdoc and six vampires ride up on horses-- LOGAN: (snikt) Long live the Musketeers! MURDOC: (pulls out a metal baseball bat) He's mine. --They ride toward each other, and Murdoc whacks Logan with the bat. A loud clang of metal on metal is heard, and Logan falls to the ground, knocked out-- YAKKO: Ooo, that had to hurt. CHRIS: I didn’t think that was in the script. AUTHOR: It wasn't, but we all agreed that nothing else would knock out the mutant with the adamantium skull. SVEN: Good point. TWO WEEKS LATER...................... ******************************* AUTHOR: (enters) Hiya, kids, you miss me? SPIKE: Not really. MURDOC: I did. ARDETH: I did, too. This is getting fun. AUTHOR: We have another change before we continue. JOHN: We do? AUTHOR: The Snowcone guy has decided that spoof-writing is a waste of my life, so he has agreed not to be part of them anymore. MOST OF THE CAST: (loud and wild cheering) JOHN: It's a shame they're all broken up over it. AUTHOR: Almost as much as I am. SVEN: So anyway, shall we continue? AUTHOR: We shall. JOHN: On to prison! DUNGEON//BASTILLE, WE PRESUME ******************************* MURDOC: (enters) LOGAN: (is laying on the floor of a cell, waking up, and looking for something) My sword.... why do I need that thing anyway? MURDOC: It's magnificent, where did you steal it? LOGAN: Why do you automatically assume I stole it? MUNGO: Where else do you ge' a noice e'spensive, gold 'andled sword? LOGAN: It was my father's. CHRIS: He's lying. He doesn't even know who his father is. SVEN: True. MURDOC: Well, now it belongs to me. I collect swords, you see, from men I've killed. LOGAN: I ain't dead yet, bub. MURDOC: You and the Musketeers are responsible for killing the Cardinal's guard. An offense punishable by death. LOGAN: They interrupted a duel we were fighting. MURDOC: A deed also punishable by death. LOGAN: It's been a busy day. RUFIO: I'll say. MURDOC: I'll tell you what. Tell me where to find the Musketeers and I will give you back your father's sword. LOGAN: They're right over there. (points to the Jawa snack-stand) AUTHOR: Script. LOGAN: Give me back my father's sword, and I'll cut out your heart. SVEN: You think that might actually kill him? AUTHOR: I don't know. This IS Murdoc. MURDOC: (belts Logan across the face with the metal bat) Idiot.....Like your father. (looks at the guard, played by Mungojerrie) Take him below. MUNGO: Yes, sir. (leans in to pick Logan off the floor) --Logan's eyes open and he reaches up to hit Mungo-- MUNGO: (disappears before he can be hit) LOGAN: 'EY! What'd you do THAT for? MISTO: Probably a good idea to keep Miracle Max alive. We still have several more deaths to come. MUNGO: Great to be needed. AUTHOR: Logan sneaks around a corner, but ducks as Mojo comes through, beside one of his helpers, who is carrying a dead body. MULDER: Hey, the script says he's supposed to be carrying it himself. SVEN: MOJO, do manual labor? You're joking, right? --From his hiding place, Logan sees Murdoc and several other dudes accompanying a cloaked figure down the dark hall. They turn into a room where Murdoc lets the figure in, and walks away with the other men. Logan goes up to the door to listen. Inside the room is Cardinal Jack Dalton.-- JACK: Milady Buffy Summers. BUFFY: Your Eminence. JACK: Your beauty would make even the most chaste of men think of......impurity. BUFFY: I don't believe you suffer the burden of chastity. MACGYVER: Actually, it could be possible. JACK: Mac, you take that back. That hurts. MURDOC: (snickers) FROHIKE: Are you thinking of impurity, Langly? ALL: (turn to Langly, who glares at Frohike) JOHN: Story. JACK: (leans forward, reaching for her) You may be right. BUFFY: (holds a stake up to his crotch) I was making an observation, not an offer. JACK: A word of warning, Milady. One snap of my fingers and you could be back on the block where I found you. BUFFY: And with a flick of my wrist, I could change your religion. SPIKE: Ooo, that's a threat. CHRIS: I would back off if I were you. She'll do it. JACK: (backs off) Your're a very persuasive, Milady. For a moment, I'd forgotten that your lovers have a tendency to end up dead. SPIKE: No kiddin'. She shot Angel and ran a sword through him. BUFFY: Love has its risks. JACK B: Obviously. JACK: The way you bumped off your husband, or should I say, ex husband, was pretty cool, not to mention helpful to our cause--who was her husband, anyway? SVEN: Well, she almost married Spike once. JACK: On second thought, I don't wanna know. BUFFY: I do what is needed. JARETH: You are a twisted little person, aren't you? SARAH: And this from the guy who changes little kids into goblins. SPIKE: Hey, I could have told you she was twisted. AUTHOR: SCRIPT! JACK: I have a mission that requires your talent. BUFFY: Vampires, huh? No problem. JACK: You will carry this treaty to the Duke of Buckingham. BUFFY: What does that have to do with my talents? JOHN: Ahem. BUFFY: (rolls her eyes) You're making an alliance with England? JACK: The King has left me no choice. He's beginning to think that he should rule France instead of me. BUFFY: Well, he IS the King. JACK: We've arranged for you to leave immediately for Cal-ace. A ship called the Purse-phone is waiting to take you to England. It sails Tuesday at midnight. PORTHOS: That's pronounced "Cal-AY", and "Per-SE-phone-EE"! JACK: Whatever. BUFFY: Consider it done. (stands to leave) LOGAN: (backs away from the door and ducks behind a corner, out of view) JACK: (to Buffy) And in so doing, it will earn you the gratitude of a King. BUFFY: Until that day, Your Eminence....or should I say Your Majesty? JACK: Majesty sounds good. JARETH: (mutters) Wannabe. LOGAN: (watches Buffy leave and turns as a sword touches his shoulder) You know you really should work on that. I can smell you when you sneak up. MURDOC: Looking for me? LOGAN: Not really, but since you're here and all.... AUTHOR: Murdoc takes Logan to Jack. MURDOC: (pushes Logan to the floor) KNEEL! Have you no respect for a man of God? LOGAN: I seem to recall someone saying "I'm not kissing his hand!", and I don't think you kneeled either. MURDOC: Yes, but I'm the bad guy, and the bad guy makes the good guy's life miserable. Ask anyone. SVEN: Murdoc psychology 101. AUTHOR: Logan, your lines. LOGAN: (sighs) Cardinal Jack--that sounds so stupid. MURDOC: Tell me about it. PORTHOS: And this is what I MISSED! JOHN: Well, it's not quite the same. I mean the script did not say, "D'Artagnan makes fun of the Cardinal's name and Rochefort agrees." MULDER: Although that would have been funny. AUTHOR: Story. JACK: How much did you overhear? LOGAN: Hardly a word, Your Eminence. The voices were much too low and with all the noise from the prison... PORTHOS: Lie. Big lie. WOLVIE: They didn't buy that, did they? JOHN: Apparently not. It mentions it later. JACK: What's your name...um freak? LOGAN: (grits his teeth) Logan Wolverine. JACK: (is staring out into space) MURDOC: (walks over and elbows him) JACK: Oh right, your father was a Musketeer. LOGAN: Well, um yeah, I suppose he could have been. AUTHOR: Ahem. LOGAN: He died while protecting the King. JACK: The dream of every warrior. Dying nobly for King and country. BUFFY: Dying never was a dream of mine, noble or not. JACK: Tell me, Logan, what noble business brings you to Paris? LOGAN: I came here to join the Musketeers. JACK: Bad timing. LOGAN: So I've heard. JACK: Like the Knights of the Round Table, the Musketeers have outlived their usefulness, and so have your three friends. Tell me where they are, and I will spare your life. JOHN: And quit pointing to the Peanut Gallery! LOGAN: I can't tell you what I don't know. JACK: Give my regards to the headsman and your father. (turns to leave) LOGAN: HEY! Just a minute! JACK: You object to losing your head? LOGAN: Yes, I like it where it is. If I didn't, I'd be like those Firey freaks. SPIKE: High and headless, what'd I tell you? JACK: Then tell me what I want to know and maybe you'll keep it a while longer. LOGAN: I don't know where they are. JACK: And if you did? LOGAN: (looks at Giles, Mulder and MacGyver) Depends on how much-- AUTHOR: Logan? Do you want to go back into carbonite? SVEN: (grins evilly) LOGAN: (looks back at Jack) I wouldn't tell you. JACK: I admire your courage, Logan. (his left eye twitches as he speaks) You might have made a fine Musketeer, but now we'll never know, will we? MURDOC: You know you really suck at lying? JACK: (exits) --Two guards grab Logan and take him away-- AUTHOR: CUT! Not bad, boys. now we go to the town square where they execute Logan. SVEN: Unless they have a adamantium ax or a lightsaber, it's not going to do very good. AUTHOR: They don't do it anyway. MACGYVER: I thought Ardeth was the executioner. ARDETH: I'm supposed to execute Buffy, not Logan. SPIKE: And all the vampires say, "Can we watch?" JOHN: We have a bunch in the Cardinal's guard that can't wait. XANDER: Wait. If Buffy dies, does that mean a new Slayer is chosen? That happened last time. AUTHOR: This is a spoof. It doesn't count. VAMPIRE: So you're really going to kill her? JOHN: We intend to. VAMPIRE GUARDS: (dance around, celebrating) AUTHOR: We're also going to bring her back. VAMPIRES: (stop celebrating and walk away, pouting) VAMPIRE 56: Knew there was a catch to it. COURTYARD ********************** --Jack and Murdoc watch from the balcony above--Logan is brought out in a wagon-- VAMPIRE 78: (pulls Logan out of the wagon) Time to die, Freak-Boy. PORTHOS: I don't remember that. SVEN: (innocently) That's because D'Artagnan wasn't a freak. LOGAN: I heard that. MURDOC: (helps himself to a drink) Milady left at midnight by private coach. JACK: Remarkable woman. The most beautiful I've ever known....and the deadliest...which explains my attraction. MURDOC: Yeah, whatever. JACK: (comes to look at Logan) How is our young daredevil holding up? MURDOC: He's wishing he never heard of the Musketeers. MACGYVER: (as the executioner--walks up with a large ax, and hacks a melon in two) MISTY Q: (steps up to Logan with a measuring stick) TEAZER: (marks the stick at how tall Logan would be without his head) VAMPIRE GUARDS: (force Logan to kneel in front of the block) POUNCE: (runs to the front of the crowd) Hey LOGAN! You FREAK!!!! Don't lose your head!!!! CHRIS: He won't. Murdoc won't let MacGyver use his lightsaber and we don't HAVE an adamantium ax. MULDER: (as priest) Fear not, my son. We are with you always....all for one, and one for all. MACGYVER: This ax was a gift to me from Porthos over there. (pushes Logan's head to the block) PORTHOS: It's only on LOAN! I want it BACK! MULDER: Hey, I was thinking....The ax won't kill him anyway. Can we try it just to see what happens to the ax? PORHTOS: NO! You are NOT breaking my ax! AUTHOR: Just stick to the script. While they're on the platform, Giles is stealing Jack's carriage. JOHN: Meanwhile, on the platform, MacGyver hits the vampire guard in the face with the ax, then stakes him. AUTHOR: And since no one is defacing a Bible in my spoof, Mulder pulls another stake out of his shirt, and stakes the other vampire. JOHN: Anf Giles comes up with the carriage while Mac and Mulder untie Logan. GILES: Gentlemen, your carriage, compliments of the Cardinal! JACK: No FAIR! That's MINE! POUNCE: But I wanted to see him DIE!!!! LOGAN: (jumps into the carriage with Giles) MULDER & MACGYVER: (jump throught the roof into the back) --The carriage rushes away-- POUNCE: (throws himself on the ground, kicking his feet) Nof'air, NOF'AIR!!!!!!!!! SVEN: Um....Pounce? TUMBLE: Catnip withdraw. SPIKE: Here, have a cigarette, that'll calm you down. AUTHOR: Spike? No. SVEN: The Musketeers are getting away. JACK: STOP THEM!!!!! --The carriage rushes full speed through the city--Inside it, Mulder and MacGyver are exploring-- MACGYVER: What do we have here? Cardinal's sacred snack chamber. MULDER: MONEY!!! AUTHOR: It's fake. MULDER & MACGYVER: Figures. MACGYVER: Oh well, let's eat. MULDER: (lugs the container through the hole in the roof) LOGAN!!! Would you be so kind as to redistribute this wealth? LOGAN: Is it real? MULDER: Nope. LOGAN: Well then...no problem. (throws it over the side, into the street) AUTHOR: Meanwhile, back to Jack. JACK: Those Musketeers are a menace! Even if Mac IS my best friend! MURDOC: Ahem. JACK: They must be STOPPED! The freak knows our plans! One thousand gold pieces on each of their heads! Dead or alive.....I prefer dead. MURDOC: (pats his shoulder) You're getting there. Just stop the eye-twitching thing. JOHN: Back to the carriage-jackers! --The carriage races through the country-side, with Giles driving. Suddenly, there is a loud popping noise-- LOGAN: (snifs) I smell LIQUOR!!!!!! MACGYVER: (pops up through the roof) Champagne? GILES: We're in the middle of a chase! MACGYVER: You're right. Something red. (ducks back down through the roof) MURDOC: Pu-lease! He doesn't even drink! GILES: (snickers) --A group of vampires is chasing after them on horses-- MACGYVER: For a chase, the Cardinal recommends his excellent 24 Cabernet. You guys wanna drink and drive? LOGAN: GIVE!!!! (grabs the bottle and starts chugging it) GILES: That was supposed to be mine. LOGAN: You're driving. GILES: (passes him the reins) Not anymore. (snatches the bottle) --The horsemen start gaining and shooting-- MACGYVER: I don't use guns! MULDER: (hands him a cross-bow) Use stakes! They're vampires! MACGYVER: (fires the cross-bow, dusting one of the vampires) The picnic was delicious, I guess the champagne was okay, remind me to leave Jack a note! LOGAN: Oh yeah, about your friend! We have to hurry! MACGYVER: You two have a date? LOGAN: NO! He's not my type! He's conspiring against the King! MULDER: Tell us something we DON'T know. LOGAN: He sent a messenger with a treaty to a man called Buckingham! MACGYVER: The Duke of Buckingham? LOGAN: You know him? MACGYVER: Nah, he's before my time. AUTHOR: Ahem! MULDER: He rules England the way the Cardinal rules France! LOGAN: There's a ship called the Purse-phone! It's waiting in Cal-ace to take the messenger to England! It sails Tuesday, midnight! PORTHOS: (glares) JOHN: Don't bother to correct them. They don't care. MULDER: (with a small smile) Cal-ace is over 200 leagues from here! MACGYVER: We get that treaty, we can prove the Cardinal guilty of treason! GILES: Is the Cardinal aware of the fact that you have this information? LOGAN: Yes! --They come to a fork in the road. On one side, a man is pulling a wagon with mules. The other side goes into a small camp-- GILES: Turn here...NOW!! LOGAN: (turns sharply, so the horse can avoid stepping on the metal fork in the road) --This throws Mulder and MacGyver back into thier seats, causing MacGyver to spill his drink down the front if his tunic-- MACGYVER: (shakes the liquid from his tunic) That's it. Next time, we drive. --The carriage rushes into the camp--Guards run out of tents, yelling-- GUARD: Stop the Musketeers!!!! GILES: Give me the reins!! (snatches the reins from Logan) JOHN: Giles steers the carriage to the edge of the camp, then stops the horses. GILES: (to Logan) Unhitch the horses! (walks to the back and opens the door) End of the line, gentlemen, hope you enjoyed the ride. MULDER: Very much so, thankyou. GILES: Mac, you know where Murdoc keeps the flamethrower? PORTHOS: Allow me. (stands up, aims, and fires the flamethrower) --The carriage bursts into flames--and the Musketeers push it down the hill, into the camp-- GUARD: It's headed for the powder wagon! --The carriage hits the powder wagon and the camp blows sky-high-- PHYRO: YEAH BAY-BEE!!!!! (dances around) --The Jawas see him dancing and form a kick-line-- AUTHOR: (starts singing to the tune of "Animaniacs") We're pyromaniacs! We love fire to the max! MURDOC, CHRIS, AND PHYRO: (join in) We buy matches by the stacks, we have flamethrowers on our backs, we're PYROMANIACS!!!! MACGYVER: Now, they're scaring me. PORTHOS: I thought it was cute. JOHN: On with the spoof! AUTHOR: (sits back down) Ahem....right. Jack and Murdoc? MURDOC: The Musketeers have been sighted on the road to Cal-ace. JACK: (releasing pigeons) Don't worry. Thanks to our winged friends, every mercenary and bounty-hunter in France will be looking for them. SVEN: Where's Boba Fett when you need him? MURDOC: (looks out the window) Umm....you might not want to rely on the birds. JACK: (looks out) HEY! Qiut eating the pigeons! POUNCE & TUMBLE: (spit feathers out of their mouths) Sorry. SVEN: Sure you are. AUTHOR: Okay, the bar scene! Barmaids, get dressed! ANYA: Hey, I got a roll! PENNY: Who gets to kiss MacGyver? AUTHOR: Get dressed and find out. MULDER: Do I have to do poetry? SCULLY: (reads the script) First he does last rites, now poetry. Where will it all end? SVEN: Someone will shoot him? MULDER: I'm the star, you can't do that. CHRIS: (to Sven) He hasn't finished reading the script, has he? SVEN: Apparently not. (snickers) He thought I was kidding. JOHN: Hurry up, ladies! Places everyone! BAR ******************** JOHN: In the bar, the Musketeers and Logan are seated at a table. MacGyver has a lady on each side! Penny and Anya. Harmony is serving drinks, and Drusilla--DRU!!!! DRU: (turns her head--she was preparing to bite) AUTHOR: (turns) Dru, put Langly DOWN! DRU: (looks disappointed) MULDER: (looks up from his chair) HEY! Make her stop! LANGLY: (looks horrified) NIKKI: (sighs and stands) HEY! (steps up to Dru, grabbing her by the hair) Drop my co-star! If anyone gets to kill him, it'll be ME! DRU: (shrugs and drops Langly, who promptly faints) NIKKI: Are you sure we can't change the cast of the next one? AUTHOR: Yes. JOHN: Dru, that was bad spoof conduct! For your punishment, you are dismissed from the rest of this spoof! CAST: NO F'AIR!!!!! DRU: (does the "Wolvie pout", and leaves the set) BYERS & FROHIKE: (take Langly into the back room to recover) SVEN: Well, that was exciting. Shall we continue? AUTHOR: We shall. John? We need a replacement for Dru. JOHN: (leads a woman in) This is Sarah. MACGYVER: Umm-- MULDER: (elbows him hard in the side and gives him a Look) PENNY: (whispers in his ear) MACGYVER: (gives a smile) AUTHOR: Continue the spoof. CHRIS: (comes out of the back room) The Gunmen will be back in a sec. I persuaded Langly to come out. (gives the Author a wink) Told him you would make it worth his while. AUTHOR: Indeed. (gives a sly smile) THE GUNMEN: (return to their seats--Langly looks around, nervously) JOHN: She's gone for the remainder of the spoof. LANGLY: (relaxes) AUTHOR: ACTION! BAR//TAKE TWO ********************** MACGYVER: Now Logan, if you're going to become a Musketeer, we must instruct you in the manly art of wenching. LOGAN: (looks amused) MACGYVER: Now the secret to wenching is in the first kiss. "SARAH": (leans over to fill their glasses) LOGAN: (looks her over) "SARAH": (smiles) LOGAN: (smiles back) "SARAH": (walks away) MACGYVER: First subject. Not bad...I guess. MULDER: (elbows him again) MACGYVER: As I was saying. If the kiss is weak, she'll think you're weak. If it's comical, she'll think you're a clown. You with me? LOGAN: Weak, weak, comical, clown. Got it. MACGYVER: Now as a Musketeers is never weak, and hardly ever a clown, your first kiss must be all that you are.....like this. (grabs Penny, and gives her a passionate kiss) PENNY: Wow. (smiles dreamily) MACGYVER: You can talk if you like....your name, her name. Trust me, words are a complete waste of time at the sensitive point. MULDER: Do I have to do this? I NEVER quote poetry. FROHIKE: (is snickering) BYERS: (elbows him) JOHN: (looks at the Author) AUTHOR: We've been in this scene forever. Just kiss her. ANYA: Can I kiss the King? JOHN: (laughs) No. ANYA: (does the "Wolvie pout") MULDER: (glances at Penny) PENNY: (is till gazing at MacGyver) MULDER: (grins devilishly, gets up, marches over to the Peanut Gallery, grabs Scully and gives her apassionate kiss on the lips) THE GUNMEN: (stare in shock) SCULLY: (stares at Mulder) Wow. FROHIKE: It's gotta be the costume. CHRIS: And all the X-Files fans say HURRAY!!!! They kissed!!!! MULDER: (grins in glee as he returns to his seat) Always wanted to do that. MACGYVER: Your turn, Logan. "SARAH": (leans over to pour more beer into Logan's glass) LOGAN: (pulls her into his lap) So, what's your name, baby? AUTHOR: (is biting her lip to keep from laughing) "SARAH": Why Logan, I didn't know you cared. LOGAN: Do I know you? "SARAH": (stands up and pats his cheek) I would say so. MURDOC: (changes his voice back to normal and removes his wig) And if you think I'm kissing you, you have another thing coming! LOGAN: Oh my GOD!!! AUTHOR: Logan, watch your language! LOGAN: (covers his mouth, jumps up, and runs for the bathroom) ALL: (incoherent laughter) MURDOC: (takes a bow) Thankyou, thankyou. ALL: (standing ovation) GILES: So how come nobody calls HIM "Dress-Guy"? SPIKE: He did it with.....style. LOGAN: (comes out of the bathroom, claws out, charging for Murdoc) JARETH: (freezes him in mid-air) MAGNEATO: You know I could have done that. LOGAN: I wanna know why I didn't smell him! AUTHOR: Um, Jareth? JARETH: Why do you think Sir Didymus can't smell the Bog of Eternal Stench? LOGAN: Why you-- JARETH: I would be careful if I were you. YOU can still smell it and I won't hesitate in dropping you in. SVEN: It was a joke, Logan. We all laughed. Let it slide. LOGAN: (to Murdoc) You just wait until I get my hands on you, bub. MURDOC: Sorry, but you're really not my type. (exits to change) LOGAN: (glares after him) AUTHOR: You still have a scene with Giles, you know. SVEN: Great, we'll be in this bar forever. SPIKE: It's really no big deal. It's only some boring story about how Giles was married to Buffy, and then found out she was a murderer, so he turned her in, but she was innocent and he gave up all he had because he felt guilty. BUFFY: WHAT!!?? I was MARRIED to GILES!!??? AUTHOR: Thankyou, Spike for that detailed description of their conversation. Now we can skip it. CHRIS: Hey, way to go, Spike! SPIKE: (grins) BUFFY: Now about me being married to Giles? JOHN: Next scene! FIELD ********************************** --Giles, Logan, Mulder, and MacGyver are riding their horses across a field--Behind them is a castle-- MACGYVER: How's your head, Logan? LOGAN: I'm beginning to wish Jack HAD chopped it off. MULDER: Don't blame me. I wanted to try it. SVEN: Murdoc still has a lightsaber! LOGAN: Anything to do with HIM, I'll PASS! Would you stop that whistling? MACGYVER: I'm not whistling. MULDER: Murdoc's kiss left him dizzy. ALL: (snickering) LOGAN: Would you shut up about that? I didn't kiss him! CHRIS: But you would have! MULDER: Hey, I hear the whistling, too. MACGYVER: Sounds like-- GILES: CANNONBALL!!!! --The cannonball crashes to the ground in front of them and explodes-- MACGYVER: Oh, I HATE cannonballs! --Another one crashes ans explodes behind them--they are being blasted from the castle behind them-- MULDER: Your buddy, Jack, has a long reach! GILES: Get out of range! --They ride faster to try to outrun the explosions all around them-- As they ride out of range, a group of guards ride up in front of them-- GUARD 1: There they are! GUARD 2: Kill the Musketeers! GILES: Split up! Logan rides with me! MULDER: See you in Cal-ace! GILES: Or in med lab when we're brought back! AUTHOR: They round a corner and split up, Mulder and MacGyver going one direction, and Giles and Logan going the other. JOHN: Behind them, the guards also split up. GUARD 3: Split up! Remember, we need their heads for the rewards! DOT: Barbaric, aren't they? XANDER: They're just being bounty hunters. BUFFY: I think playing Boba Fett went to your brain. AUTHOR: We follow Logan and Giles' point of view. You two can take a break! MULDER & MACGYVER: (smile and sit down) LOGAN: That is so not fair. JOHN: However, we have a scene with Jubilee and Sarah first, so you can sit down, too. JUBILEE: (snickering) Which Sarah? AUTHOR: Queen Sarah. QUEEN SARAH'S QUARTERS ******************************* SARAH: (in the bathtub) When you first saw Logan, did you need the laces in your corset loosened? JUBILEE: (flatly) I'm not wearing a corset. AUTHOR: Beep beep, whistle, beep. JUBILEE: Okay, I get it. Yes, and I felt my cheeks flush. SARAH: And your hands were cold. JUBILEE: And my knees were week-- SARAH: But your heart was pounding. LOGAN: I have that effect sometimes. JARETH: Brag brag. JUBILEE: But I don't understand why I feel this way. We only met for a moment. SARAH: Well, a moment is all it may take. JUBILEE: Do you think? SARAH: When my father first promised me to Xander, I was furious. The thought of marrying a complete stranger. I thought that I would never be happy. That I would never find love, but-- this is really sappy. JOHN: Just read. SARAH: (rolls her eyes) But when I first saw him and our eyes met, I knew. JUBILEE: What did you know? SARAH: What you knew in your heart the first time you saw Logan. JUBILEE: What if he doesn't feel the same? SARAH: (shrugs) Well, we must never give up hope. JUBILEE: I'll get your robe. AUTHOR: Skip the scene with Jack. I always hated that part. Back to Logan and Giles. --Logan and Giles ride through the forest-- LOGAN: You think we lost them? GILES: I don't know. LOGAN: Well, I hope we're close to Cal-ace, because my horse could use a rest, and my rear is KILLING me. GILES: You're a good man, Logan. Much like your father. LOGAN: You knew my father? I mean I knew you were old, but I didn't think you were THAT old. AUTHOR: Script! GILES: By reputation only. His death was mourned by all Musketeers. LOGAN: How did he die? GILES: He uncovered a plot to assassinate the King. He was led into a trap by a fellow Musketeer, and then murdered. LOGAN: Murdoc was a Musketeer? NO! AUTHOR: Okay, since no-one on MY set is killing a horse, Giles' horse throws him and then bolts. GILES: (flatly) Thanks. JOHN: And the guards are back. And shooting--what a concept! GILES: (crouches behind a tree) Well, we didn't lose them! LOGAN: (joins him) No, really? GILES: (starts shooting back) I'll try to hold them off as long as possible. You ride on without me. LOGAN: I can't leave you here! Not like this! GILES: A Musketeer's first duty is to protect the King! You ride to Cal-ace and intercept the messenger! LOGAN: There's too many of-- GILES: GO! Or I will shoot you, myself! LOGAN: (thinks about it) Take these. (hands him two guns) GILES: Don't let me down. LOGAN: I'll never forget you. GILES: GO! LOGAN: (rides away while Giles shoots at the guards) ALL: (standing ovation) SVEN: Somebody get them some Oscars! That was BEAUTIFUL!!! GILES & LOGAN: (accept their awards and take bows) AUTHOR: Now onto the palace. We need a sword instructor! Misto? MISTO: (jumps up) Got it! BUFFY: Exactly who did he play in "The Princess Bride"? SVEN: Inigo Montoya. MISTO: (grins) Hello, my name is Mr. Mistoffelees. You killed my father, prepare to die. XANDER: Ooookaaay, that was different. AUTHOR: ACTION! ROYAL PALACE *********************** --Misto and Xander are practicing with their swords-- MISTO: Advance....advance...lunge, one two three four, now disarm.....excellent! XANDER: (following directions) JACK: (enters the room, applauding) Forgive me for being late, Your Majesty, but I was wrestling with an important affair of state. SPIKE: Translation. Seducing your wife. ALL: (snicker) XANDER: (to Misto) Leave us. MISTO: (returns to the Peanut Gallery) XANDER: Your Eminence, I've been hearing some very troubling rumors about you. JACK: There are so many to choose from. XANDER: Betrayal? JACK: Ah, yes. Always the first. Let me see if I get this right. While the English attack from without, the wicked Cardinal underminds from within, forming a secret alliance with Buckingham, and placing himself on the throne. But really, Your Majesy, why stop there? I have heard much more festive variations. I make oaths with Pagan gods, seduce the Queen in her own chamber, teach horses to dance and pigs to fly, while keeping the moon well hidden within the folds of my robe.....have I forgotten any thing? XANDER: The King BOUGHT that!? What an IDIOT! PORTHOS: (raises a flamethrower) Ahem! XANDER: (innocent smile) Does seem rather farfetched, doesn't it? JACK: Sire, if there are any doubt about my loyalty, they will be put to rest when we appear together to celebrate your birthday. XANDER: Oh, my birthday. I've been meaning to talk to you about it. JACK: The Queen has just been telling me how eager she is to attend. XANDER: Sarah is coming? CHRIS: DUH! She IS your wife. XANDER: I read it, I don't write it. JOHN: SCRIPT! JACK: The entire country is eager to celebrate the birth of its King. It will be an event to remember....I promise. ARDETH: Obviously. XANDER: Your eye's twitching. AUTHOR: Next scene! Logan is riding at night, tired and he falls off his horse. Then Buffy's carriage stops and Macavity jumps down. BUFFY: What is it, Macavity? MACAVITY: There's a body laying in the road, Milady. It's a man.....I guess. Doesn't appear to be injured, though. SVEN: He's a fast healer. BUFFY: (jumps out of the carriage) Hey Logan. Deja-vu! AUTHOR: Script! BUFFY: Put him inside with me. Wouldn't be the first time I traveled with him. JOHN: Next scene. Logan wakes up in Buffy's lap.....in his underwear. SPIKE: Kind of unfair. BUFFY: (glares at him) Welcome back. LOGAN: Hey Buffy, we've got to stop meeting like this. Where am I? **He woke up in her arms when he got out of carbonite** BUFFY: We're in Cal-ace. LOGAN: Cal-ace? (jumps up) Tuesday, midnight! JUBILEE: (gives a wolf-whistle) LOGAN: Where are my clothes? BUFFY: Do you have a name or should I make on up for you? WOLVIE: HEY GORILLA!!!! YOU FORGOT TO SHAVE YOUR BACK!!!! PEANUT GALLERY: (hysterical laughter) LOGAN: Funny. You know my name. BUFFY: I'm the Countess Buffy Summers. Milady. LOGAN: Countess? BUFFY: By marriage, but my husband's dead. LOGAN: MARRIAGE? I guess I HAVE been in carbonite for a while. AUTHOR: Script! LOGAN: (sighs) I'm sorry. BUFFY: I've learned to live with death. SPIKE: I'll say! ALL: (laughing) LOGAN: Milady, I'm grateful for all that you've done, but I've-- BUFFY: What? LOGAN: Important business. BUFFY: How interesting. Does it require clothes? LOGAN: No, I'm just going to go like this...HELLOO!! ALL: (more laughter) BUFFY: I'm afraid they won't be done for an hour at least. Until then, you're my prisoner. Would the prisoner care for a drink? LOGAN: (perks up) SURE!! GIVE! BUFFY: (hands him a drink) What brings you to Cal-ace? LOGAN: Like I'd tell you. I know it was you in there! Not only does the script say so, but I could smell you! BUFFY: Author, he's saying I stink again! AUTHOR: Logan, your lines. D'Artagnan was stupid. PORTHOS: 'Ey! He's a friend of mine! AUTHOR: At this point, he was. LOGAN: I'm on a mission for the King. BUFFY: (laughs) I've heard that one before. LOGAN: I'm serious. BUFFY: You're....not so young, but you're given to exaggeration. However, if you wish to entertain me with a story, I love a good adventure. SPIKE: Obviously. LOGAN: (rolls his eyes) I came to Cal-ace to stop a spy. BUFFY: A spy? LOGAN: No, a Jawa, YES a spy! BUFFY: I believe you. ARDETH: I'll bet. BUFFY: Aren't you afraid? LOGAN: A Musketeer isn't afraid of anything. BUFFY: I knew it. I knew you were a Musketeer the moment I saw you. LOGAN: You did? BUFFY: Of course. SVEN: She sure is chapping her lips to get that information out of him. CHRIS: And it worked, didn't it? BUFFY: But Logan, if the spy should find out you were here, your life would be in great danger. LOGAN: A Musketeer isn't afraid of danger. BUFFY: I'm dangerous. Aren't you afraid of me? LOGAN: I'm not a vampire, Sweetheart. Why should I be afraid of you? AUTHOR: Boring!!! Buffy tries to stab him, he sees her funky murder's tattoo, she calls Macavity and Munku and they beat up Logan. LOGAN: I am NOT getting beat up by CATS! JOHN: Yes you are. AUTHOR: Now pick up where Buffy orders him dead. BUFFY: Kill him. LOGAN: You can kill me, but a surprise waits for you that even Buckingham can't prevent. BUFFY: You're vain, but I don't know if you're smart. LOGAN: I know how you love a good adventure. BUFFY: Take him with us. AUTHOR: They all get their clothes changed and heads down the stairs where Jareth is talking to a man behind the desk--um...Langly? Be the man at the desk. LANGLY: But-- JOHN: Get up there and show us you can act. LANGLY: (takes his place at the desk) Can I help you, Your Majesty? JARETH: Milady Buffy Summers, is she here? LANGLY: (points) That way. SVEN: He's not following the script. LANGLY: What am I supposed to do, LIE!? He's not STUPID! JARETH: (pats his shoulder) Good man. BUFFY: (turns around) Let's take the back stairs! LANGLY: (returns to his seat) AUTHOR: On to the Purse-phone! THE "PURSE-PHONE" *********************** --The carriage pulls up at the docks and they all get out-- MUNKU: We're the Countess Buffy's party from Paris! Permission to come aboard? MACGYVER: (distantly) Permission granted! --They board the ship with a group of vampire guards-- SVEN: Where did those come from? AUTHOR: Not a clue. Continue. MUNKU: (approaches a man) Take us to your Captain. --The man stares blankly-- MUNKU: What are you, deaf? --The man falls over-- MUNKU: Dead! They're all dead! MULDER: (comes out of hiding) Not all of us. (kicks him out of the way) JOHN: Than MacGyver swings down from above, knocking a vampire into the water. AUTHOR: And the fight breaks out. --Two vampires run up to MacGyver-- VAMPIRE: MacGyver the Pirate! (both vampires jump into the water) SVEN: Oscars for the vampires! VAMPIRES: (accept their awards) LOGAN: Pirate? MACGYVER: Told you I was famous. MURDOC: Show off. MACAVITY: (pushes Logan out of the way and yells at MacGyver) MACGYVER: (draws his sword) MACAVITY: (does a beautiful performance with his swords, yelling) MACGYVER: (stares for a moment, does a bad imitation, and cuts the rope leading to the vent that Macavity is standing on) MACAVITY: (falls below) MACGYVER: (smiles and waves at him) BUFFY: (runs off) GILES: (rides up in front of Buffy) Buffy! BUFFY: Hey Giles, what's up? (turns and runs) GILES: (draws his gun) STOP! BUFFY: (turns and stares) GILES: I thought you were dead. BUFFY: Cardinal Jack took pity on me....He DOES have a stupid name. ALL: (snickering) GILES: You're the spy. BUFFY: I've learned the value of lies. They've kept me alive, GILES: (aims his gun) The treaty....give it to me. BUFFY: No. GILES: I will shoot. BUFFY: Be kind...aim for my heart. SVEN: Beautiful performance. JARETH: (grabs her from behind) Buffy, how's it going? I will not be so kind. AUTHOR: Next scene. The guys get the treaty. MULDER: The treaty outlines the Cardinal's plan to forge an alliance with Buckingham. MACGYVER: No mention of the King? MULDER: None. But it does promise a demonstration of the Cardinal's power. LOGAN: What kind of demonstration? MULDER: I don't know. GILES: I know someone who does. JOHN: Giles goes to see Buffy in prison. PRISON ********* GILES: (enters the prison and looks at Jareth) I wish to speak with the prisoner. JARETH: (lets him in) She dies at dawn. GILES: (steps up to Buffy) BUFFY: (looks pitiful) There was a time when I would have given my life for a kind word from you. GILES: I could not give it. I was a fool. (pauses) Is it true? Did you kill his brother? BUFFY: I have become the nightmare you once thought me to be. GILES: But not before, not us. BUFFY: (shakes her head) No. GILES: (kneels before her) Do you know of the Cardinal's plan? BUFFY: I do. GILES: Tell me. BUFFY: Will you have my life spared? GILES: No, I can not. BUFFY: Society demands swift justice.....then I will take my secret to the grave. GILES: Buffy, you will die for your crimes, there is nothing you can do about that now, but how you choose to leave this world is up to you. BUFFY: What has this world ever done for me? GILES: (sighs and leaves) ALL: (standing ovation) GILES & BUFFY: (take their bows) AUTHOR: Giles, you already got an Oscar for your performance in this spoof! Somebody get Buffy one! JOHN: Maybe we should wait until after they execute her. She's bound to have more then. AUTHOR: Buffy? BUFFY: I have to die then. JOHN: You get the Oscar anyway. BUFFY: Oh....okay. AUTHOR: Next day!!! Ardeth, you get to be an executioner now! ARDETH: (grins like a madman and ignites a lightsaber) SVEN: Where'd he get that? ARDETH: I think it's Scott's, but he doesn't appear to be using it right now. (innocent grin) AUTHOR: Are we corrupting him or what? TALL CLIFF ***************** --Ardeth, Buffy, Jareth, Logan, and the Musketeers walk up to the cliff top--Buffy is wearing a simple white dress-- ARDETH: (holds the lightsaber) Off with her head!! (grins) VAMPIRES: (all lean forward to watch) MULDER: I am the resurrection and the life, saith the Lord. He that believeth in me shall never die. We forgive you for you crimes.....die in peace. BUFFY: If you forgive me, why can't I live? ARDETH: Where's the fun in that? VAMPIRES: (laughing) ARDETH: On your knees! BUFFY: (directs a glare toward the Vampire guards and sinks to her knees) ARDETH: (moves her hair off her neck, and holds up the lightsaber) Bye bye Slayer! GILES: (before Ardeth can decapitate her) NO!!! ARDETH: WHAT!? What is it?!!! GILES: (kneels in front of her) Buffy, forgive me please. BUFFY: I do forgive you. (kisses his cheek) The Cardinal intends to assassinate the King, Friday, at his birthday celebration. (stands up, slowly, looks at everyone--backs up, and jumps off the cliff) ALL: (standing ovation) JARETH: God's justice be done. ALL VAMPIRES EXCEPT SPIKE: AMEN!!!! ARDETH: (looks disappointed) PETER: And from the judges.....that remain!!! On the FALL!!! ARDETH: 5.7.....I didn't get to cut off her head. SVEN: 10.0! PORTHOS: 9.5! JOHN: 7.5! She didn't kiss him on the mouth! AUTHOR: 8.9! Good effort. CHRIS: 10.0! Guys, she jumped off a CLIFF! PETER: And on the landing!? ARDETH: 3.5! We didn't see it! SVEN: 2.0! PORTHOS: 3.0! JOHN: 2.5! AUTHOR: 2.8! CHRIS: 2.1! That SUCKED! PETER: So far, Scott's in the lead for the landing, at 28.0, not counting Snowcone Guy's rating, and Buffy's in lead for the fall at 44.1! Not bad! SPIKE: That IS degrading. CHRIS: I think it's funny. AUTHOR: Continue. GILES: (stands up) We have to move quickly. The King's life is in danger. AUTHOR: Okay, back at the castle! We need Murdoc, Byers, Jack Dalton, and a painting of Xander! COURTYARD///PALACE ************************* --Byers takes his practice shot--The bullet hits the painting, blowing a hole through Xander's crotch-- XANDER: (stares in horror and covers his crotch) MURDOC: (snickering) And he can do that every time. MULDER: Impressive. Byers has hidden talents. WAKKO: Maybe he should have been the one doing the circumcisions. LANGLY: Remind me not to upset him. JIMMY BOND: (suddenly runs through the door) GUYS!!!! ALL: (look up) BYERS: (turns to look, still holding the gun) ALL MEN ON SET: (cover their crotches) JIMMY: Um....what's going on? FROHIKE: (motions to Byers, and the painting) MULDER: And he can do that every time. JIMMY: (makes a face and covers his crotch) Ouch....John, maybe you wanna face that way.... why is everyone dressed funny? JUBILEE: (enters from the back room) Hey, who's the Brandon Fraiser wanna-be? AUTHOR: Everyone? This is James Bond. SPIKE: (looks him over) Yeh, right. He looks like a wanker. JIMMY: Call me Jimmy. JOHN: Um, Byers, you're scaring people. Put that down. BYERS: (innocent look) Sorry. (puts the gun down) ALL MEN: (sigh, relieved) SPIKE: (still looking at Jimmy) Is this guy for real? FROHIKE: Unfortunately.....yes. SPIKE: One of them, 'ey? I understand....excuse me. HEY OVER HERE!!!! JAWA: (looks up) Dink dink? SPIKE: Yeh, uh....dink dink dink-dink? JAWA: Dink dink dink. SPIKE: Dink dink. JAWA: (hands Spike a bag of blood) Dink dink-dink. (walks away) SPIKE: (to the Gunmen) Cute li'l buggers. (walks off) JIMMY: What just happened? LANGLY: You get used to it after a while. SVEN: Are you guys finished yet? AUTHOR: Boys!!! SIT! We need to start again. JOHN: Jack and Murdoc? JACK: And he has no problems about-- MURDOC: None. He believes that no man should put Kings before God. JIMMY: Um....guys? LANGLY: (elbows him) Just watch. JACK: A man of faith, how reassuring. Whatever you're paying him, double it. XANDER: Hey, wait a sec....How come he's getting paid, and we aren't? AUTHOR: He's not! They're reading the script! Continue! JACK: The King's birthday will be an event to remember, oh, and rehang this portrait in my chambers....just as it is. It was always a little too flattering. XANDER: (looks at Giles and whimpers) ANYA: Oh poor Xander. SPIKE: (is choking on his blood, laughing) JOHN: And the Musketeers ride through the country, rounding up their fellow Musketeers. AUTHOR: Next scene! Xander's birthday party! XANDER: (Whimpers again) JIMMY: Oh, I get it! You guys are doing a play or something! Why didn't you tell me? CHRIS: (pats his shoulder) We're videotaping it. You can see it later. (motions to Bob, who waves) JIMMY: And what are those? (points at the Jawas) SVEN: Jawa "Dink-dinks". JIMMY: Right...um-- AUTHOR: SIT AND BE QUIET!!! PLACES!!! --The three Musketeers and Logan enter the courtyard. The Musketeers are wearing cloaks to cover their tunics-- GILES: (to Logan) Search the perimeter. We'll try to find the King. JOHN: Meanwhile, in the castle. JACK: (followed by several "Vamp-guards", steps into the main hallway) --Everyone stands aside as Sarah and Xander enter the hallway-- XANDER: (nervously) You look beautiful. SARAH: Thankyou. XANDER: Is something wrong? SARAH: Cardinal Jack....he is an evil man. JIMMY: Cardinal JACK!? That sounds kind'a stupid. ALL: (laughing) MURDOC: (snickering) JIMMY: What did I say? JACK: (glares) XANDER: Do not believe everything you hear. He is powerful. SARAH: I ride through the countryside every day. I've seen the uses of his power. XANDER: Power sometimes frightens. SARAH: Here in the Palace, I've seen it too. XANDER: I know. SARAH: What should we do? XANDER: I'm not sure, but we will do it together. JACK: (follows behind them) AUTHOR: Out in the courtyard, Logan spots Byers. BYERS: (waves) JOHN: Oy....(massages his head) AUTHOR: And Logan runs to get to Byers, meanwhile, Xander and Sarah enter the balcony. LOGAN: (runs up the stairs and onto the roof) XANDER: (walks with Sarah out onto the balcony, while covering his crotch with his other hand) ALL: (snickering) BYERS: (prepares to take his shot) LOGAN: (slides down the roof, knocking the gun just as Byers is shooting) --The shot nearly hits Jack--The guards and Jack pull Xander and Sarah away-- MULDER, GILES & MACGYVER: (remove their disguises) LOGAN & BYERS: (are wrestling on the roof) THE THREE MUSKETEERS: (rush to the front of the crowd) JACK: Kill those Musketeers. They're trying to murder the KING! MUSKETEERS: (draw their swords) --The crowd of vampire guards in front of them does the same thing--This is when all the Musketeer-assassins come up behind the three and remove their disguises-- AUTHOR: And the fight is on! We can't exactly describe it all in detail, but we'll say Mulder, Giles and MacGyver are kicking butt. JOHN: Meanwhile, up on the roof, Logan and Byers are kicking each other's-- AUTHOR: Logan!!!! Give the guy a BREAK!!! He doesn't have adamantium and a healing factor! --Down on the ground, the Musketeers are continuing the fight. MacGyver punches a vampire off a platform and Mulder stakes a vampire-- MULDER: (to the dustpile) Go with God. BYERS: (up on the roof--pulls a dagger on Logan) LOGAN: (is ready to pound Byers into the floor) BYERS: (produces Murdoc's metal baseball bat and whacks Logan in the head with it) LOGAN: (falls off the roof and ends up hanging on the flag) JIMMY: Way to go, BYERS!!! I didn't think he had it in him! LANGLY: Don't get your hopes up....he's supposed to die. JIMMY: What? SVEN: Shut up and watch! It's the good part. --Byers and Logan are sword fighting, Logan still hanging from the flag--on the ground, Giles runs up to MacGyver-- GILES: Looks like our mutant friend could use some help. MACGYVER: (looks up) Hold this. (hands Giles his sword, and pulls out a cross-bow) I still swear I know that guy. GILES: (fighting the vampires with both swords) Just shoot already! MACGYVER: (sighs and takes his shot) --The arrow hits Byers in the chest--Byers pitches forward and falls, headfirst, off the top of the building--A loud crack is heard as his head hits a marble fountain, below, turning the water black-- JIMMY: Oh my GOD!!! PORTHOS: I don't remember there being a fountain there. AUTHOR: We added it. SPIKE: (approaches the fountain and takes a drink) Not too sweet, not too tart, just mm-mm good. LANGLY: (jumps up, covers his mouth, and runs for the bathroom**again**) MULDER: (stares, openmouthed) JIMMY: (still looks horrified) You KILLED him! PETER: (stands up) And from the judges...on the FALL!? ARDETH: 9.9! SVEN: 10.0! PORTHOS: 9.8! JOHN: 10.0! AUTHOR: 9.9! CHRIS: 10.0! PETER: And on the LANDING? ARDETH: 10.0! SVEN: 10.0! PORTHOS: 10.0! JOHN: 10.0! AUTHOR: 10.0! CHRIS: 10.0! PETER: And Byers has WON!!! Both the fall AND the landing, with 59.6 on the fall, and a perfect score on the landing! AUTHOR: Mungo, when you get Byers back, we need to give him an award. JIMMY: When you BRING HIM BACK!!??? JOHN: Yeah. Mungo, go ahead and bring him back. MUNGO & TEAZER: (load Byers into a stretcher and cart him off to the med-lab) AUTHOR: We make an exception for him since he won. Usually, we wait until the end of the spoof before we bring them back. JOHN: Anyway, we need to get back to the spoof. AUTHOR: Logan? LOGAN: It's about time! MACGYVER: Come, Logan, we're saving the King! JOHN: In the Palace, and back to Cardinal Jack! AUTHOR: And the King! XANDER: (to Jack) You have failed! JACK: Awww, you're such a dope! Things couldn't have been better if I'd planned them myself! The King dies at the hands of his personal guards! Grief stricken, terrified, the huddled masses turn for comfort to their devout, spiritual leader, who, ever so humbly, assumes the throne. (sits on the throne and pats the seat next to him) With a Queen by his side. SARAH: I would rather die. JACK: (kicks the footstool over) That can be ARRANGED!!!! SARAH & XANDER: (look terrified) SVEN: Getting into the spirit, isn't he? JACK: But first, your reluctant husband will be found pierced through the heart with the sword of a Musketeer. MURDOC: (holds up Logan's sword) JACK: The same sword that failed to protect his father. MURDOC: (comes forward with the sword) SARAH: (sobbing) XANDER: (looks to be bracing himself) --The door breaks open and the Musketeer assassins and vampire guards run in, taking the fight with them-- GILES: (rushes up to Murdoc) I hope we're not interrupting. MURDOC: (yanks his hat off) On the contrary, you're right on time. --The two engage in battle-- VAMPIRE GUARDS: (start pulling Sarah and Xander away) OTHER MUSKETEERS: (are still fighting) JACK: (motions for the guards holding Sarah and Xander to follow him) --Giles and Murdoc are still fighting until Murdoc stabs Giles in his fighting arm-- GILES: (switches to his left arm and starts fighting again) MULDER: (runs up in front of Jack) Leaving so soon? JACK: Oh you know...I abhor bloodshed. MULDER: Especially your own. JACK: Stand aside. MULDER: (moves his sword to Jack's chest) You are under arrest, charged with Treason. JACK: You of all people must know that the Cardinal doesn't answer to the laws of man. MULDER: Then you'll answer to God. JACK: (shoots him) You first. SVEN: Told you so! MULDER: (falls to the floor) JACK: (walks through the doors in the map-wall and the vampires follow, dragging Sarah and Xander with them) --Across the room, MacGyver sees Mulder fall-- MACGYVER: (rushes through the battle to Mulder's side) Hey, Mulder! (looks up to see the passage doors shut) AUTHOR: Meanwhile, Giles and Murdoc are still fighting until Murdoc loses his sword. It slides across the floor and Logan picks it up. LOGAN: This sword belongs to me, and I believe I owe you one here. MURDOC: So it does and you do. (stands up) Bring it on. LOGAN: (gives Giles a salute) GILES: (returns the salute and walks away, headed for Mulder and MacGyver) LOGAN: (throws Murdoc a sword) MURDOC: Let's see if you're as brave a man as your father was....and as foolish. --The two engage in battle-- GILES: (runs over to Mulder and MacGyver) Is he dead? MULDER: (jerks awake) MACGYVER: (pulls a silver cross necklace from Mulder's shirt. The bullet is embedded in the cross) MULDER: You see? There is a God. --The three of them burst through the doors of the passage-- WILLIS: (enters) What's going on? JIMMY: Byers? GUNMEN & SCULLY: (turn to look) WILLIS: (steps into the light) Who? AUTHOR: Willis! I was wondering when you were going to show. Mac's busy right now, I'm afraid, but Nikki's right over there. WILLIS: (looks at the Gunmen, who are still staring at him) What? AUTHOR: Never mind....you look like the guy we just killed, only younger. Ignore them. Back to the Musketeers! JACK: (passes Mojo) We're being followed. Do something about it. MOJO: I am NOT your slave! (turns to his assistant) Do something about it. ASSISTANT: (nods) JOHN: Back to Logan and Murdoc! --The mutant and the assassin are still sword fighting on the steps--Both are doing great acrobatics.-- AUTHOR: Back underground. Mac, Mulder, and Giles run into a huge cave with several different tunnels. GILES: Oh great. MULDER: Which way? MACGYVER: I've never been here before. WILLIS: Hi MacGyver! MACGYVER: (turns to look and does a double take) Wait a minute! AUTHOR: Yes we know. Willis, Byers, Byers, Willis--GET ON WITH IT! --The three split up, each taking a separate tunnel-- MACGYVER: (enters a tunnel, and looks around, sniffing) --Mojo's assistant jumps out at him, screaming-- MACGYVER: Woah, ugly! AUTHOR: MacGyver defeats "Ugly". Details at eleven...anyway, back to Logan and Murdoc. JOHN: They're still fighting, and now Logan's up on the banister! AUTHOR: And he's flipped over Murdoc and they continue fighting! MURDOC: Impressive. (attacks again) JOHN: Murdoc has disarmed Logan. AUTHOR: Logan, you keep those claws in, or I'm giving Murdoc back his lightsaber! LOGAN: (makes a face) JUBILEE: (comes up the stairs and sees the sword) MURDOC: (throws Logan against a wall and points his sword st the mutant's throat) How pathetic, killed by the same man who killed his father. LOGAN: You killed my father? MISTO: Prepare to die. AUTHOR: That's getting old, Misto. MURDOC: Oh yes.....as I will, you. (attacks) LOGAN: (hits the sword aside) MURDOC: (kicks Logan down the stairs) LOGAN: (lands on his back at the base of the stairs, near the banister, with his arm outstretched) MURDOC: (approaches him) One thing is for sure, you are no Musketeer. (gets ready to kill Logan) --Logan's sword shoots into his hand and he stabs Murdoc in the chest-- SPIKE: (as Obi-Wan "Xavier") The Farce will be with you always. ALL: (laughing) MURDOC: (gives a wicked grin and looks down at his chest) Ahhh, Ohhhh, eeegh, ahhhh.... (pauses to look at Logan) Ahhhh, oooo, eeegh, owwww....(kicks the banister) Ahhhhh, ooohhh, eeeegh, aggghhh. (falls to the floor) ALL: (incoherent laughter) LOGAN: What just happened here? SVEN: Oh right, he was in carbonite during "Dot: The Vampire Slayer". ARDETH: (is laughing so hard he's sliding down the wall, in tears) SCULLY: That was beautiful. AUTHOR: Logan? LOGAN: For you, father. JUBILEE: (moves his sword and takes his hand) JOHN: Back underground! GILES: (comes into the tunnel behind the vampire guards, who are leading Sarah and Xander) --He starts fighting the other vampires-- MACGYVER: (rushes to help) GILES: Where have you been?! MACGYVER: Taking care of something....UGLY! --The two kill all the vampires and run to the underground dock-- JACK: (from the boat) You're too late, Musketeers! By now, the Duke of Buckingham's signature is next to mine! GILES: (holds up the treaty) That would be difficult, considering the treaty never left France! JACK: (rolls his eyes) A MINOR problem! I will return twice as strong and the throne will be MINE! MULDER: (as the rower-removes his hood) I think not! JACK: (stares) MULDER: (starts punching vampires off the boat) You'll never harm another soul ever again! My promise to God! (gets ready to hit Jack) XANDER: WAIT!!! MULDER: (stops) JACK: (gives Mulder a snooty grin) XANDER: (punches Jack off the boat) I AM still a bounty hunter, you know. MULDER: Well done, Your Majesty! XANDER: (to Sarah) Are you alright? SARAH: Yeah, I guess so. Do I have to kiss him? AUTHOR: Nah! JOHN: Next scene! Welcome back, Byers! ALL: (turn toward the med-lab) BYERS: I have a headache. AUTHOR: Here's your award. All the judges agreed your fall and landing were the best. JIMMY: (runs up, and hugs Byers) YOU'RE ALIVE!!!!! BYERS: (makes a face) Thankyou, Jimmy. AUTHOR: Byers, meet Willis! BYERS & WILLIS: (stare at each other) AUTHOR: Willis is MacGyver's friend. --The two shake hands-- BYERS: Nice to meet you. WILLIS: Likewise. MACGYVER: See? I knew I knew that voice. JOHN: Anyway, shall we continue? THRONEROOM ********************* --Sarah and Xander are seated on their thrones--Logan and the three Musketeers approach them and kneel-- XANDER: (stands up) Arise. --The four stand up--Xander opens his mouth, but before he can speak, a line of Jawas march through the throneroom, singing their "Dink-dink" song-- XANDER: (as they exit) Ummm....okay, anyway....Is this the man that saved my life? MACGYVER: His name's Logan Wolverine, Sire. XANDER: Logan, I'm in your debt. What can I do to repay the courage you've shown me? LOGAN: (looks at Giles) GILES: Your Majesty, his heart has but one desire, and that is to become a Musketeer. XANDER: Then approach. LOGAN: (approaches) XANDER: Kneel. LOGAN: (kneels) XANDER: (reading the script) Okay, blah, blah blah....These men are called Musketeers, yadda yadda..rise and join them. PORTHOS: (stares at Xander like he's insane) AUTHOR: That'll do, we're in a hurry. LOGAN: (stands up and accepts his blue tunic) JUBILEE: (smiles widely) MACGYVER: (blots a tear) MULDER: (stares at HIM like he's insane) LOGAN: (comes down the stairs) --Halfway down, Jubilee steps froward,. grabs him and kisses him on the lips-- GILES, MULDER & MACGYVER: (look at each other and shrug, impressed, then they put their hats back on and exit) OUT IN FRONT OF THE CASTLE **************************** LOGAN: (catches up with the others) GILES: Your father would be proud, Logan. You're a Musketeer. LOGAN: What do we do now? What's next? MULDER: Well, we protect the King.... MACGYVER: Protect the Queen.... MULDER: In the name of God.... MACGYVER: And France...correct? MULDER: France indeed. POUNCE: (from the crowd, pulls his sword) LOGAN!!!! YOU FREAK!!!! My sister's honor will not wait a moment longer! --Behind him, Plato, Tumble and Admetus pull their swords-- LOGAN: I'll handle this. MACGYVER: Logan, we also protect each other. LOGAN: (smiles and hold up his sword) All for one.... --The others bring their swords up to meet his-- ALL MUSKETEERS: And ONE FOR ALL!!!!! POUNCE: (stares in horror) RUN!!!!! --The four of them run off with all the Musketeers on their tails-- SPIKE: Is it over? MURDOC: (sits back up) Ahhhh, oooohhhh, eeeghhhh, ooowwww!!!!(falls back over) PORTHOS: (bursts out laughing) MACGYVER: Why am I not surprised? PORTHOS: I was imagining the real one doing that. ALL: (think about it and burst out laughing) SPIKE: Is it over now? AUTHOR: Murdoc? MURDOC: (stands up) Thankyou everyone!!!!!(takes a bow) ALL: (standing ovation) MURDOC: Thankyou very much! Good night!!! (exits) THE END ************* AFTER THE SPOOF ***************************** BUFFY: I can't believe HE won! I had to jump off a CLIFF! CASSI: (shrugs) Byers was....stylish. BYERS: Thanks....I think. NIKKI: So what's next? JOHN: (looks at Cassi) CASSI: Cutthroat Island! LANGLY: And I am? CASSI: William Shaw, and Nikki is.....my CAT! SVEN: Morgan Adams, the Pirate. JIMMY: You named Nikki after your CAT!? CHRIS: (chokes on his soda) FROHIKE: She named the cat after the character Nikki's playing, DOPE! JIMMY: (shrugs and steps up to Murdoc) Hey, that was a great act. by the way. MURDOC: Thankyou. I've done it before. CASSI: Speaking of which, Murdoc, you have another Oscar for that one. MURDOC: (grins) JIMMY: Just one question, though. How did you survive being stabbed through the chest? MURDOC: (shrugs) High endurance? CASSI: (coughs) Widowmaker. JIMMY: What's that? MACGYVER: The cliff he fell off of....and survived. CREEPY: Murdoc's an immortal....but not the kind you have to chop the head off of. MURDOC: Besides, I can't die. No one drives MacGyver crazy like I do. He'd miss me. MACGYVER: Don't bet on it. MURDOC: Oh, you know you would....Angus. CHRIS: Your name's ANGUS?! MULDER: I feel really good about now. SCULLY: Right....FOX. DOT: He is, isn't he? RUFIO: Did your mother name you after a television network? SVEN: And we all thought MERVIN was bad. MACGYVER: Can we just leave the names alone? MURDOC: Angus.....isn't that a breed of cattle?? MACGYVER: Would you STOP THAT!!!?? CHRIS: Down, Bessie. MURDOC: (doubles over laughing, slowly sliding down the wall) CASSI: Hope you all enjoyed the show, but it's not over yet!! (grins widely) JOHN: We'll see everyone back here for Cutthroat Island! SVEN: However...first, we'll have the rest of "Return of the Spoof"! CASSI: Which will be a series finale of the Sven Spoofs. There will be no more. HAN: Awww, just when I was starting to enjoy 'em. CASSI: The "Cassi spoofs" Will continue, however. And we are still going to do the next spoofs, as well as a few more including a sequel to a previous one. So goodbye all, and we'll see you all back for the next ones!!!! JOHN: THE END!!!!!