"THE PHANTOM....FROM THE FBI" BY CASSI (evilspoofauthor2) --Parody of the movie, "The Phantom", starring Billy Zane-- DISCLAIMER: As before, see the cast. Pretty much the same except it has more Pokemon characters in it. And a few more made up characters: By Cassi-- Harley (Neverwolf) Cassie (Wolfgirl), Chris and Bob. Svens-- Fiddles, the insane green elvin horse and Krissy (Animal Girl)(and References to the stories "Wolfgirl of Neverland" By Cassi, and "The Legend of the Lady Iris of Greenwood" By Sven) as well as our other spoofs. ********************************************************************* CAST FOR "THE PHANTOM....FROM THE FBI" PHANTOM//KIT WALKER.......................................Agent Fox Mulder (X-Files) DIANA PALMER.........................................................Penny Parker (MacGyver) XANDER DRAX...........................................................John F. Byers (Lone Gunmen) QUILL.............................................................................Han Solo (Star Wars) SALA..............................................................................Yves Adele Harlow (Lone Gunmen) GURAN..........................................................................Rufio (Hook) MORGAN......................................................................Angus MacGyver (MacGyver) STYLES..........................................................................Scott Summers (X-Men) BREEN...........................................................................Luke Skywalker (StarWars) ZAK...............................................................................Phyro (X-Baby) CAPTAIN PHILIP HORTON......................................Ardeth Bay (The Mummy) CORPORAL WEEKS...................................................Peter Banning (Hook) BUTLER.........................................................................James "Jimmy" Bond (Lone Gunmen) LILY PALMER..............................................................Joyce Summers (Buffy) DAVE PALMER...........................................................Pete Thornton (MacGyver) JIMMY WELLS............................................................Xander Harris (Buffy) MAYOR KREBS...........................................................Jack Dalton (MacGyver) POLICE COMMISSIONER FARLEY.........................Melvin Frohike (Lone Gunmen) RAY ZEPHRO...............................................................Coricopat (Cats) CHARLIE ZEPHRO......................................................Skimbleshanks (Cats) DR. FLEMMING...........................................................Rupert Giles (Buffy) TAXI DRIVER...............................................................Kurt "Nightcrawler" Wagner (X-Men) MOTORCYCLE COPS 1&2.........................................Yakko and Wakko Warner (Animaniacs) KABAI SENGH.............................................................Macavity (Cats) PIRATES........................................................................Hench rats (Cats) KIT'S FATHER..............................................................Magneto (X-Men) LADY PILOTS 1-4 *************** Princess Leia (Star Wars), Dana Scully (X-Files), Cordelia Chase (Angel), & Mara Jade (Star Wars book) PEANUT GALLERY **************** Sven, Chris Mason (Cassi's), The Phantom/Kit Walker, Murdoc (MacGyver), Dot Warner (Animaniacs), The X-Babies, The Colton brothers (MacGyver), Jareth (Labyrinth), Sarah Williams (Labyrinth), Dawn Summers (Buffy), Richard "Ringo" Langly (Lone Gunmen), Spike (Buffy), Mungojerrie&Rumpelteazer (Cats), Mr. Mistoffelees (Cats), Tinkerbell (Hook), Jack Banning (Hook), Captain Hook (Hook), Nikki Carpenter (MacGyver), Pikachu and his pet human, Ash "Ketchup", Psyduck and his pet human, Misty, Jesse Musashi and her pets James Morgan and Meowth (Pokemon), Hero and Devil. ALSO FEATURING ******************* The Jawa "Dink-Dinks", The Lost Boys (Hook), Jigglypuff and various Pokemon, Cassie "Wolfgirl", Krissy "Animal Girl", and Pepe le Pew. INTRODUCING: Fiddles (Sven's) and Harley(Cassi's) as Hero and Devil. ASSISTANT TO THE AUTHOR: Prince John CAMERA CAT: Bob, the Bobcat. ********************************************************************* BEFORE THE SPOOF ******************* LANGLY: We're not even done with the other one yet! AUTHOR: We finished section one. I decided that, because we have newcomers, who are not part of Cutthroat, for reasons I decided-- WOLVIE: Nikki's running around with Munku's scalp in her knickers. AUTHOR: Thankyou, Wolvie, for explaining why Munkustrap is not with us. Anyway, as the others will be along any minute, so far, all wa have of the newcomers is Meowth and his pet humans, Jessie and James. JESSIE: I resent that. SVEN: (whispers in The Author's ear) AUTHOR: Oh right. Sorry about that. It's Jessie and her pets, Meowth and James. LOGAN: Sounds about right. JAMES: Why do I get the feeling this is going to be as bad as the last one? JOHN: Look at it this way. You don't die in this. AUTHOR: Now where's Mulder? He's the star? SCULLY: Exactly what is this one? JOHN: The Phantom. We're making him wear purple tights. SPIKE: We don't all have to wear them in this, do we? AUTHOR: (smiles) You will if you don't behave. KIT: (enters with Hero and Devil) I'm here, you can start now. JOHN: Nice horse. KIT: Isn't he? Will you be using him and Devil? AUTHOR: Originally, we were planning to, but it turned out we got vollunteers for the parts. Rufio will be bringing Harley, and Fiddles will get himself here....we hope. SPIKE: Harley?! You're bringing that....monster in here? JAMES: Who's Harley? LOGAN: Bites With A Passion's daddy. JARETH: He's the Alpha of the Creature's pack. LANGLY: Creature? LUKE: Bites With A Passion!? LOGAN: Yeh, he's cool. MULDER: I'm HERE! AUTHOR: Good. This is Kit Walker. You'll be playing him. KIT & MULDER: (shake hands) KIT: Pleasure. MULDER: Likewise. Who are you? KIT: Kit Walker. MULDER: And who is Kit Walker? KIT: I am. SVEN: They'll get along great. --The Star Wars crowd arrive with Peter, leading the Lost Boys, who are looking around, grinning...This is when a bloodcurdling wolfhowl is heard-- TOO SMALL: (who had been lagging behind--runs in, screaming) NEVERWOOOOLFFFF!!!!! --The Lost Boys panic and run in twelve different directions, screaming-- HARLEY: (steps in with Rufio and Cassie "Wolfgirl" following) **Harley is your standard black wolf with slit pupiled red eyes and about the size of Marmaduke --waist high at the shoulder...on a six foot person-- All Neverwolves have four two-inch razor sharp retractable claws on each front foot. The claws carry a venom in which there is only one cure....it comes from the woods where the creatures live....and is currently stocked in our med lab..just in case.** MEOWTH: (shrieks and climbs James' back) What is DAT!? RUFIO: Harley, this is everyone! WOLFGIRL: (steps up to Meowth and pets him) MEOWTH: Oh...(purrs) Dat Creature. **animals know her on sight** AUTHOR: Harley, your script. (holds it out) HARLEY: (in mindspeech-- as Neverwolves do) *Where is my co-star?* AUTHOR: Coming still. LUKE: How come the four of us who died in The Vampire Mummy are together and dying again? JOHN: Only 2 of you die. The other two go to jail. Is everyone here yet? SVEN: Mr. Ketchup and his owner aren't here yet. JESSIE: (snickers) YVES: (enters) Who am I playing? JOHN: Your script, my dear. AUTHOR: Who are we missing? ARDETH: Your Pharaoh isn't here yet. SVEN: Fiddles and the Cats. HAN: The cats are here. They're hiding from the um...pollicles. JOHN: The pollicles will not eat you! You can come out! AUTHOR: Yeah, Neverwolves don't eat after six months old, and Devil prefers humans! --The Jellicles slowly some out-- WAGNER: (bamfs into the Peanut Gallery) SPIKE: Oh ugh! Can't you make a less smelly enterance? AUTHOR: Are we ready? MULDER: (enters in costume) This is not me. JOHN: Sure it is. Here's your rings. We had to eat a lot of Crackerjacks for this, so act grateful. BYERS: Crackerjacks? AUTHOR: Well, Kit wouldn't let us use the real ones. MULDER: (looks at Kit, who shrugs) Figures. --Ash and Misty enter with Pikachu and Togepei-- AUTHOR: You're late. ASH: We had to get rid of Brock. You said you didn't want him here. JOHN: You're forgiven. ALL: (look up as a green horse enters) WAKKO: Why is that horse green? FIDDLES: HI! Fiddles is the name, and I'm MAD! MAD I TELL YOU! GILES: The horse talks? FIDDLES: Yes, I talk! I talk a lot! I have a big mouth big mouth, and I'm the STAR! That's what I am! HARLEY: * I thought I was* AUTHOR: Actually, Mulder is, but you two are stars too. JOHN: Are we ready to begin? FIDDLES: I'm ready! I'm ready NOW! MULDER: No. AUTHOR: Nobody cares if you are or not. It's time to start. MURDOC: Out of curiosity, is that pink thing coming back too? AUTHOR: Jigglypuff? I don't know, why? SPIKE: I'd like to barbecue it. AUTHOR: That's a good way to get dusted, Willie. I happen to think she's cute, and if you fell asleep while I was singing, I'd be insulted, too. Now get to your places! We're skipping the flashback! If any one don't know who the Phantom is, they can watch the movie! We need Han, Luke, Scott, MacGyver, and whoever's playing the kid....Phyro. MACGYVER: Great, we'll be lucky if he doesn't torch the truck! PHYRO: (grins evily) AUTHOR: ACTION! THE SPOOF ******************* --A truck rides through the jungle. In the front seat, Han Solo and MacGyver sit with Phyro between them. Han is holding a map and trying to drive at the same time. In the back of the truck are Scott and Luke.-- RUFIO: Wolfgirl says she has to go now. HAN: Who's gonna control the monster? FIDDLES: I will, I will! AUTHOR: He will control himself, or Rufio will. WOLFGIRL: (turns to leave then stops as if hearing something then she marches over to Jessie and snaches a pokeball) JESSIE: (stares) RUFIO: (gives a questioning glance) WOLFGIRL: (gives an explaining look) RUFIO: (nods) Wolfgirl says this animal is abused and doesn't want to stay with you. She is taking him away. JESSIE: WHAT?! That's my Wobbuffet! RUFIO: You don't have a choice, sweetheart. He don't like you. AUTHOR: Maybe you'll get it back later if your attitude improves. SVEN: What about James? She abuses him too. WOLFGIRL: (gives a smile,but shakes her head.) JAMES: (looks disappointed) RUFIO: She likes your attitude, but she don't take abused humans. She will take the cat, though. MEOWTH: (looks from Jessie and James to the Wolfgirl and sighs) The tings I do for you two. (sits down between them) --The Wolfgirl shrugs, pets Meowth, Pikachu, Togapei, Hero, Devil, and Fiddles, pauses to scatch Harley's chin, then gives Rufio a peck on the cheek and exits with the pokeball containing Wobbuffet-- JOHN: Well, that was exciting, anyway we're in the truck, boys? --The truck drives through the jungle---(take two) HAN: Damn worthless map. Where's a nav-computer when you need one? SVEN: They don't work on Earth, dummy. MACGYVER: You drive, I'll navigate. At least I'm from this planet. HAN: (glares) The problem is the map's all wrong. MACGYVER: The map is good. Obviously you're not reading it right. HAN: Why does it show a bridge back there? We never crossed a bridge! SVEN: Han can't read a map. LEIA: (frowning) He's gotten to used to the nav-computer he forgot what it's like on a planet without one. HAN: (glares) PHYRO: What language do I speak? AUTHOR: Never mind, we'll just say you speak jibberish.... PHYRO: (says a line of jibberish) HAN: I don't speak jibberish, what's he saying? MACGYVER: He says turn around. We better turn around. HAN: Not a chance. You know, maybe this little quitter needs a lesson in positive thinking. (moves to elbow Phyro, who dodges) PHYRO: (speaks more jibberish) MACGYVER: Oh now I get it. He says turn the map around! You got it upside down, you big moron. PHYRO: (laughing) Big moron! ALL: (laughing) MEOWTH: Han's a moron! LEIA: (aims a blaster) What was that? MEOWTH: Uh......not'in. JOHN: Continue please. HAN: If the map's upside down, there should be a bridge in front of us. All I see is more jungle. What the-- --He slams on the brakes in front of a very old rope bridge, throwing Scott and Luke around in the back. They all get out of the truck to see the bridge.-- SCOTT: Hey Han, no sudden stops. What's the big idea? HAN: (to MacGyver) What do you think? MACGYVER: I don't know. Looks like it'll hold........but then again, I'd hate to bet my life on it. MURDOC: That means don't do it, it's dangerous. SVEN: Which means you'd do it in a second. MURDOC: Well of COURSE! LUKE: I wouldn't do it. SCOTT: Same here. HAN: Okay- we all cross over on foot........except one. He stays to drive the truck across. MACGYVER: Yeah, but which one? CHRIS: How about Luke? He has the Force. AUTHOR: Phyro stays. PHYRO: I get to drive?(grins in glee) WOLVIE: No fair! CYKE: If he fallth, we all laugh. AUTHOR: Okay, Phyro drives across and doesn't fall-- WOLVIE & CYKE:(look disappointed) AUTHOR: (continues) And they all get back into the truck and drive until the jungle won't let them. MURDOC: If they had a four-wheel drive, they could go further. SVEN: Hello, early 1900s, moron. They didn't have four wheel drive. JOHN: Script! Boys? HAN: Well, we're on foot from here. Okay Phyro, take a look (holds out the map) Which way? PHYRO: (shakes his head and speaks jibberish) HAN: What's his problem now? MACGYVER: He says we can't go on. HAN: Why? PHYRO: (continues) MACGYVER: He said these woods are protected. HAN: By who? MACGYVER: By a ghost, a ghost who walks. JOHN: Han touches a scull-shaped scar on his face. HAN: I don't have one. AUTHOR: You do now. KIT: I can hit him and give him a real one. HAN: No thanks. JOHN: Say your lines. HAN: I wouldn't worry about it. MACGYVER: He says he's not taking us beyond this point. LUKE: So shoot him. SVEN: Oh yeah, we really believe you aren't a Sith Lord. LUKE: (shoots Sven a dirty look) HAN: No, we may need him. MACGYVER, LUKE&SCOTT: (all stare) HAN: (rolls his eyes) To drive the truck back across the bridge. Tie him up and put him in the back. AUTHOR: They tromp around until they find a cave. HAN: (looks at the map) This is it. We're there. --They go inside the cave while Ace, in warpaint, watches-- INSIDE THE CAVE ***************** HAN: Everyone look around. SCOTT: (approaches a grotesque-looking skeleton) You look like and important person.(looks through the pile at the skeleton's feet then stands up, holding what appears to be a silver skull) Hey Han! HAN: Yeah? SCOTT: I thought it was supposed to be made out of silver! This is NOT silver!(throws it to him) HAN: (catches it) What is this? AUTHOR: Sven? What is the silver one? SVEN: Adamantium. AUTHOR: You heard her. JOHN: The real ones were destroyed. We had to make our own. KIT: I can't wait to see what the rest of the skulls are made of. SVEN: You have no idea. AUTHOR: Please continue with the spoof. HAN: (shrugs) Mr. Byers is going to be very happy. SCOTT: What does he want with those things anyway? HAN: I don't like to ask Byers too many questions. His answers scare me. FROHIKE: Byers scares people? JOHN: As I recall, he scared a lot of people in "Musketeers". XANDER: (whimpers) AUTHOR: It was funny, I thought. JAMES: Are we missing something? JOHN: You can see the videos later. Back to the spoof. --Suddenly the skeleton reaches out and starts to strangle Scott. Scott blows it to bits with an optic blast-- HAN: (stares) AUTHOR: That wasn't in the script. Scott, you're dead. Go sit down. Boys? Finish the scene. SCOTT: (takes a seat) HAN: (looks at the remains of the skeleton) Um.....it came alive and tried to choke him but he blew it away? AUTHOR: Just skip it. Pick up where they ask about the other stuff. LUKE: (shrugs) What about all this other stuff? There's a lot of valualble junk in here. HAN: Take it. No one's going to miss it. --As they are unloading the valuables from their places and into their bags, they hear drums beating-- MACGYVER: Now what? LUKE: Drums. MACGYVER: I know that, but what does it mean? HAN: The Jawas are having a party, how should I know? Just hurry. JOHN: Outside the cave the animals start making noise-- HARLEY: (let's out a bloodcurdling howl) ALL: (jump 3 feet in the air, Mulder included) MEOWTH: (is stuck to the ceiling, hanging by his claws) --The Jellicles are under their chairs-- MULDER: Geez, did you have to do that? HARLEY: *I am an animal. I was making noise.* FIDDLES: Ooh, I can make noise too! (lets out a howl, sounding like a dying cat) PIKACHU: (loudly) Pika! Pika! JAMES: (manages to pull Meowth off the ceiling) Is that wolf going to do that again? AUTHOR: Ask him. HARLEY: *It is our form of singing and I like to do it.* SPIKE: Yeh, I put that with the Jigglypuff's singing. SVEN: Oh, Harley, that's a compliment. Jiggly has a beautiful voice. JOHN: Yes, and she'll be by sometime, I'm sure. She's replaced the Snowcone Guy. ALL: WHAT?!? ASH: Snowcone Guy? LUKE: You don't wanna know. Most of us don't miss him. CHRIS: Especially the Author. AUTHOR: That we'll keep. ARDETH: I thought she was kind of cute. CHRIS: (mutters) That's because you don't have any room for drawings on YOUR face. AUTHOR: Back to the spoof, now. MULDER: My turn? JOHN: Yep, brief scene in the Phantom's Cave. MULDER: (shrugs) Harley, someone needs us. (jumps up onto Fiddle's back) FIDDLES: He knows that, dummy. (turns his head backwards to look at Mulder) He's telepathic, and he read the script. Yep, that's right. MULDER: (sighs) Great, I have a telepathic monster of a wolf and a green horse that needs an exorcist. FIDDLES: (makes a face) You're rude, I don't like you, I want Iris back. (brings his hoof up and knocks Mulder off) JESSIE: Um.....can he do that? MISTY: Is that normal? SVEN: It is for Fiddles. He's an elven horse, and he's a bit weird. AUTHOR: He's very........limber. BYERS: Understatement. AUTHOR: You'll get used to it. HAN: Like we get used to the Jawas? AUTHOR: Yeah, back to the spoof. The guys are outside the cave. LUKE: This place gives me the creeps. HAN: The cave or this whole spoof? LUKE: Both. AUTHOR: Ahem..........They look up just as Mulder, Fiddles and Harley come jumping into view. FIDDLES: (does a Tarzan yell) Here I come to save the day!!! MACGYVER: What is that? HAN: Shoot it! (pulls out his blaster) MACGYVER: I don't use guns! LUKE: (looks at him like he's insane) MULDER: (shoots the lightsaber out of Luke's hand) LUKE: (uses the Force to get it back) HAN: RUN!! LUKE: (follows Han) MACGYVER: (reading his script) What do you mean he shoves me into a tree? MULDER: (on Fiddles-grabs him by the shirt) Like this! MACGYVER: (hits the tree) Ouch, that's going to leave a mark. MURDOC: (falls off his chair, laughing) PENNY: (elbows him) HARLEY: (stands over MacGyver, growling) MULDER: Harley, watch him. If he moves, eat 'im. HARLEY: (makes a face) *Stupid human.* RUFIO: (snickers) JOHN: Back to the other guys. LUKE: What about Mac? --The two of them get into the truck and start it up.-- HAN: You wanna argue with that animal? LUKE: Umm............no. HAN: So we go. LUKE: Who was he? Not like I don't already know, but tell me anyway. HAN: Someone I already killed. LUKE: You never killed him! He hasn't been in that many spoofs! HAN: The script says I killed him.....years ago. LUKE: Well, guess what, he's back. ARDETH: NO! SPIKE: You're starting to like this aren't you? ARDETH: (grins) It is entertaining. JARETH: You can say that again. That's why I'm still here. AUTHOR: Story! Just when they think Mulder's gone, he appears on their windshield! LANGLY: Darn bugs! HARLEY&FIDDLES: (laughing) LUKE: (pulls out Han's blaster and shoots it through the windshield) MULDER: (appears to have disappeard) LUKE: Did I get him? HAN: Does the script say you did? LUKE: (reads it) Nope. HAN: You missed. SCOTT: He didn't use the Force. ALL: (snickering) MULDER: (opens the car door, punches Luke, pulls him out of the truck and slides in next to Han) Hey how's it goin'? HAN: Can't complain. I haven't died yet. MULDER: I love your shows, you know. HAN: Really? Well, thanks. JOHN: You two are supposed to be fighting, you know. MULDER&HAN: (shrug and start fighting) HAN: (stabs Mulder) MULDER: (punches Han, but gets distracted at the sight of the skull on the floor of the truck.) HAN: (kicks Mulder out so he is hanging on the truck door) Keep the truck! ( jumps out with the skull) --The truck reaches the bridge-- PHYRO: (still in the back) If somebody doesn't get me out of here, I'm blowing this thing up! JAMES: If he blows it, does that mean the spoof is over? KIT: (laughs) No. MULDER: (climbs back into the truck and then into the back, where he unties Phyro) Satisfied? PHYRO: No, now we fall down and die. ASH: And THEN it's over! JOHN: Somebody hit that kid. JESSIE&MISTY: (clobber Ash at the same time) PIKACHU: Pi.....ka...(before he can finish Misty pets him)...chu!(smiles sweetly and sits back down) AUTHOR: Okay, Ash, and all else. SHUT UP! (lowers voice and smiles) Mulder gets Phyro out of the truck and the two of them swing to safety on a vine! MULDER&PHYRO: (do the Tarzan yell as they reach the cliff top) SCULLY: (makes a face) What is it that causes grown men to act like children? SVEN: Acting in spoofs. Ask any of the men here. AUTHOR: Or it could be the X-Babies disease of immaturity is catching.....or is it our disease of insanity? BYERS: Probably best not to ask. JOHN: Back to the story...(looks at Author) What comes after the truck falls into the river far below? AUTHOR: Ummm (looks it up) We need to take Mac and Luke to jail........Ardeth and....(looks at cast sheet) Peter. JUNGLE PATROL **************** --As Luke and MacGyver are pulled from the truck, Peter and Ardeth step up.-- ARDETH: Poachers? PETER: No, looters, Captain. LUKE: You've got a problem. A thing. A big strange looking thing on a horse........a green horse....with a wolf. ARDETH: (rolls his eyes) Take him away. (as he and Peter walk off) That man's been chewing on the wrong kind of jungle growth. PETER: You know what he's talking about, sir...we both do. The Phantom. ARDETH: Oh not now. I'm not in the mood. PETER: The Ghost Who Walks. ARDETH: Nonsense. According to legend, he's been around for nearly four centuries. Four hundred years? Imagine that. It just isn't possible..............Just because Imhotep has been around for three thousand years.......it doesn't mean a thing. THIS story is a fairy tale. AUTHOR: Cute Mr. Med-Jai...very cute. Now read your script! ARDETH: Scene's over. It's time to make the Wolf-boy get up. RUFIO: I resent that. SVEN: Getting up, or being called Wolf-boy? RUFIO: Getting up of course. JOHN: Tough. Get up anyway. AUTHOR: Skull Cave! SKULL CAVE **************** --Rufio is stirring a mixture in a bowl while Mulder sits nearby, looking through a big fat book-- Just as Mulder is about to speak there is a loud and frantic banging on the door.-- JOHN: Are we expecting anyone? AUTHOR: No, answer that, will you J.? JOHN: (Gets up and opens the door.) --The man standing there looks breathless and urgent-- JOHN: Can I help you? MAN: Well, yes, I'm looking for a bloke about this tall, long hair and tattoos on his face. JOHN: (rolls his eyes) Well that's about fifty men here, can you narrow it down some? --A small Jigglypuff approaches them, wearing a wolf necklace.-- ALL: (screaming) "JIGGLY": (shapeshifts into Ardeth Bay) MAN: That's the chap. Ardeth Bay.......I didn't know you could do that. SVEN: (snickers) He can't. AUTHOR: Paging Mister Med-Jai! ARDETH: (enters from snackroom, carrying one candy bar and eating another) You called--- oh...who is this? OTHER ARDETH: (shapeshifts into the Animal Girl) MAN: Well that was the strangest thing I've ever se--(trails off) Never mind. ARDETH: (approaches) What are you doing here? SPIKE: Who's he? AUTHOR: Jonathan, from "The Mummy". XANDER: Me! JONATHAN: What? ARDETH: Do not ask. Why are you here? JONATHAN: I was sent to find you. It's that Imhotep fellow again. We need your help and we can't find any of those Med-Jai. AUTHOR: (looks innocent) Hey we don't have ALL of them. ARDETH: (makes what is known as the "Wolvie pout", and grumbles something obscene in Arabic) AUTHOR: (looks thoughtful) JOHN: Is it important? JONATHAN: (looks indignate) He only wants to take over the world, that's all. SVEN: Big deal, so do Pinky and the Brain, but nobody rushes to stop THEM. ALL: (laughing) ARDETH: (snickers) AUTHOR: (gets an evil grin) Ardeth? (gives a sly smile) ARDETH: (raises an eyebrow) You're serious? AUTHOR: (smiles wider) ARDETH: (considers it, looks at Jonathat and grins eviliy) Can I take a speeder bike? JONATHAN: A what? AUTHOR: Take that, your lightsaber, Murdoc, Spike, and Kurt. They don't have scenes and Kurt can get you back faster. JOHN: (hands Ardeth a watch) Make sure you're back for your scene! ARDETH: (nods and exits with a protesting Jonathan and the three men.) AUTHOR: Now back to the Skull Cave. TAKE TWO! JOHN: Once again, Mulder, big book, Rufio, bowl with medicine.......ACTION! RUFIO: (Touches the stab wound with the mixture.) MULDER: Ow! What is that? RUFIO: (innocently) Did that sting? MULDER: No not at all. Why do you ask? RUFIO: Good that means it's working. FIDDLES: Baby! That's what you are. HARLEY: (snickers) AUTHOR: Script! MULDER: (turns another page) This is it. This is what I'm looking for. The skulls of Med-Jai. One made of fool's gold, one made of adamantium, one made of green rock candy. WOLVIE: Yummy. KIT: (frowns) Interesting. JOHN: We take what we can get. AUTHOR: Continue. RUFIO: Are they valuable? MUNGO: No. You could buy them a' a doime store. SVEN: So? MULDER: They're dangerous. (reads) "When placed together, the skulls harness an energy one thousand times greater then any force or high explosive known to man. MACGYVER: Good thing Murdoc left. PHYRO: Yeah bay-bee! Burn burn burn!!! ASH: Is he alright? JAMES: I don't know, but keep him away from me. SVEN: Wuss. JAMES: (glares) JESSIE: We know. Don't remind us. JAMES: Hey! AUTHOR: Story! MULDER: A long time ago, the Med-jai possesed the skulls and knew the secret to keeping their power. But the village was attacked by the pirates of the Macavity brotherhood. The tribe was destroyed and the skulls were separated and lost. KIT: The MED-JAI tribe? AUTHOR: Making it interesting, like Macavity's brotherhood. KIT: (shrugs) Different. JOHN: Mulder? MULDER: For for centuries, there's been no trace of them......... until today. RUFIO: (moves to put more medicine on the stab wound) MULDER: (stands up) You know.....? I'm fine, good as new. RUFIO: What ever you say, Your Walking Ghostliness. If it gets infected and you die of Gang Greene, don't blame me. KIT: I don't remember Guran being that sarcastic. AUTHOR: Guran isn't Rufio. PETER: You don't say. MULDER: (puts the book away) RUFIO: (exits) MAGNETO: (enters) I used to come here myself, Fox. MULDER: Ahem? AUTHOR: Deal with it. Nobody calls Kit, "Walker". MAGNETO: (continues) Mostly to look up advice when I was troubled, confused.... or just screwed up really badly. FIDDLES: Ooo, that's you! You scewed up! I saw you! Everybody saw you! MULDER: (directs a flat look at Fiddles) Guilty on all accounts. I let that skull slip right through my fingers. MAGNETO: Don't be too hard on yourself, Fox. We all make mistakes. MULDER: Well this one gets worse...It was the Macavity brotherhood. I saw the tatoo. HAN: (frowns) What tattoo? First I have a scar, now I have a tattoo? JOHN: We'll give you one later. Magneto? MAGNETO: You turned one of the skullls of Med-jai, over to the Macavity brotherhood? They've tried and failed to get their hands on them for the last 400 years!!!! FIDDLES: You're in trouble! You're in trouble! Yes you are!!!! HARLEY: *Bad human.* ALL: (laughing) MULDER: Why couldn't I get a normal horse? SVEN: Normal is boring. AUTHOR: We have sick senses of humor. Continue! MULDER: (sighs) They don't have all three. MAGNETO: We don't know how many they have. MACAVITY: I have the fools gold! (holds it up, proudly) MULDER: (pulls his gun) Will you sit down? MACAVITY: (makes a face and takes his seat) AUTHOR: Magneto? MAGNETO: Do you know what it would mean if the Brotherhood gets possesion of the skulls? MULDER: They'll be invincible........... MACAVITY: Woo-hoooo! Where's the other two? Give 'em here!!! AUTHOR: Sit down, you're not in this yet. Magneto, can we finish this? MAGNETO: (rolls his eyes) You have to stop them. You're the only one who can. GUNMEN: (are laughing) SCULLY: (snickering) MULDER: (directs a flat look at them) That's not funny. ALL: (join in the laughter) RUFIO: (enters as Magneto vanishes) 'Scuse me your Walking Ghostliness, who were you talking to? MULDER: Myself. RUFIO: Being a hero must damage the brain. Next things you know he'll being hearing, "Use the Farce" like Scott does. SCOTT: Yeah, but he's hearing Magneto, so he's insane. FROHIKE: We already knew that. MULDER: Shut up! AUTHOR: End of scene! Thank God. Cut to New York. Penny it's your turn. Prove you can act. LONG ISLAND, NEW YORK *************************** --A car pulls into the driveway of a mansion and parks on the lawn because of the many cars that crowd the drive. Jimmy Bond comes running out to the car.-- JIMMY: I'm sorry sir, you can't park there! PENNY: (gets out of the car) Who are you calling 'sir?' JIMMY: Oh Miss Parker. I didn't know it was you. I'm sorry. PENNY: Forget it, Jimmy. I'd throw me out too, if I didn't know better. JIMMY: (smiles) Welcome home Miss Parker. Allow me. (takes her suitcase for her) PENNY: Thank you! SVEN: Let the record show Jimmy and Penny can act. JIMMY&PENNY: (beam with pride) AUTHOR: Inside the house, a party is going on. Penny walks in, and Jimmy heads up the stairs with her suitcases. PENNY: (steps up to Joyce Summers) JOYCE: (smiles) Oh, Penny. PENNY: (pastes on a smile) Mother. JARETH: Young pregnancy. RUFIO: Very. JOYCE: (kisses Penny on the cheek) PENNY: You look absolutely stunning! JOYCE: Oh your timing couldn't be worse...............Oh but how are you?(turns to greet another guest) PENNY: (smiling) I've contracted Malaria, mother. JOYCE: (happily) That's wonderful, dear. KIT: That's Diana Palmer alright. JAMES: What's so wonderful about Malaria? MACGYVER: Don't ask. She wasn't listening to her. PETE: (aproaches them) Penny! PENNY: Uncle Pete! I'm so sorry, I didn't know you were having a party.(hugs him) PETE: Oh, it's no problem, I'd much rather have you here. How was the Yukon? PENNY: Is that where I was? AUTHOR: Yep. JOYCE: Pete, it's cold what more can she say? MUNGO: Tha' she has Malaria? I' would be noice for them to know so they don' ge' it JOYCE: Why don't you.......freshen up? PENNY: Actually, I'm going to get something to eat. JOYCE: Xander Harris is here, he's love to see you. MACGYVER: Isn't he a little young for her? SPIKE: It's okay. Xander already has a girlfriend.........and she's a lot older then Penny. --At this point, Byers enters dressed up, smiling at the women as he decends the stairs-- PETE: Joyce, why is John Byers here? JOYCE: We'll he made a rather large contribution. FROHIKE: And we wonder where the money goes. LANGLY: (nods in agreement) PETE: (to Joyce) Return it. JOYCE: He's respected business man. PETE: No Joyce.......he's a thug. JIMMY: Hey, he is not!! JOHN: Cut to the kitchen with Xander and Penny. XANDER: (pacing behind Penny who is making a sandwich) You know, I had the strangest urge about a week ago to charter a plane, track you down out in the frozen north, charge into your tent and whisk you back here. PENNY: Really Xander, and why didn't you? SPIKE: Anya wouldn't let him. XANDER: (gives him a flat look) I'm not sure exactly, but after a few sets of tennis and a cold gin fizz, the urge just seemed to pass.........gosh you're pretty in those woodsy flannels. (he leans over and kisses Penny on the lips) GILES: Good thing Anya ISN'T here. PENNY: (makes a face) XANDER: You've got to admit, Penny, there's magic there. PENNY: (takes a bite of her sandwich) XANDER: What's in the sandwich? PENNY: Baloney. CHRIS: Oh, that was cold. RUFIO: Oh yeah. AUTHOR: End of scene. Back out to the party. PETE: (approaches Frohike and Jack Dalton) Mayor, Commissioner you enjoying yourselves? FROHIKE: As much as I can in this monkey suit. MULDER: Ahh, shut up. I'd rather have the monkey suit. FIDDLES: Shall we get you a banana too? RUFIO: And some nice trees to climb in Your Walking Ghostliness? MULDER: That's it, you're fired! JOHN: Mulder, the script does not say. "Phantom fires Guran and Hero because they were making fun of him." MULDER: It also doesn't say "Guran and Hero make fun of the Phantom!" SVEN: Yeah, but that's the comedy. You can't get rid of it! AUTHOR: Besides, everyone else thinks it's funny! Right? ALL: Yep! JOHN: Back to the story! BYERS: Excuse me gentlemen. (holds his hand out to Pete) Here's the man I want to see. PETE: (coldly) You're not welcome here, Byers. BYERS: (pulls his hand back) Well, the police commisioner is standing right here. Why don't you have me arrested? PETE: Be sure to sample the canapes on your way out. JACK D: Really Pete, that's not nescessary. BYERS: Ahh that's alright, Mayor, I can speak for myself. I was wondering, your reporters are poking their noses in my personal affairs and I just don't understand why. Do you? LANGLY: There's government for you. Nosey reporters. PETE: (ignores Langly) Yes. And when we publish our story you will. BYERS: Really? Why go after me, I'm just a private citizen. PETE: You own copanies that regulate publich utilities, you control the trade unions, you influence interest rates in stock prices and you have personal and business involvments with the Jellicle Crime family. I would say you're a very public man, Mr. Byers. BYERS: You know in all my life, I never heard such tall tales. Have you been talking to my ex-wives? FROHIKE: Since when do you have ex-wives? BYERS: Since it's in the script. Anyway how much does this newspaper cost? FROHIKE: Two cents daily, five cents on Sundays. BYERS: No.....all of it. The building, the presses, the typewritters....maybe I'll just buy the whole thing. PETE: Not everything in life is for sale, Mr. Byers. PENNY: (walks up, quietly) BYERS: Of course it is, Pete. And I'll tell you this...........I usually get what I want. JIMMY: Except at the F.O.I. office. BYERS: (glares) Don't get me started. JOHN: Cut to Pete's office where he's meeting with Jack, Frohike, and Penny. PETE: (pulls papers from his desk) Gentlemen, I have no axe to grind. I'm only interested in the truth. And I have learned from a highly placed source at the city library that Byers has been researching esoteric volumes that are normally kept under lock and key. (drops the file folder on the table in front of the men.) He's interested in something that has to do with this symbol. (holds up a scrap paper with a ratface on it) JACK: Looks kind of like that Sir Didymus feller. LUKE: Well. THAT wouldn't suprise me. AUTHOR: It's a rat not a fox. Keep going. FROHIKE: What's it mean? PETE: He's on a quest.....for a supernatual power. These are dangerous and turbulant times, gentlemen. Dictators and tyrants are popping up all over the world. SCOTT: We won't mention Magneto. SVEN: The antichrist, Pinky and the Brain, Barney............ AUTHOR: You're making me sick over here. PETE: Byers has the desire to become one himself. This will provide him with the means. HAN: Byers hidden agenda. Take over the world. BYERS: It is not! XANDER: You will be assimilated. JOHN: Story! PETE: I know it's hard to fathom, but Byers believes in it, and this man must be taken seriously. FROHIKE: That would be a first. No one else does. ALL: (snicker) BYERS:(squirts Frohike with the water bottle) PENNY:(picks up the folder and starts looking through it.) PETE: I was able to trace the origin of that Rat symbol to a place called the Bengala jungle. PENNY: (pulls something out of the folder.) This is a ticket to the clipper. You're not thinkng of going there are you? PETE: My plans were to leave tomorrow, and meet up with a man named Captain Ardeth Bay. But now, I don't know whether I can turn my back on Byers for that long. JACK: It's probably some wild goose chase, anyway. FROHIKE: That's right. The far off jungle's no place for you. PENNY: You need to stay here and take care of things. FROHIKE: There you go, Pete. Listen to your niece. PENNY: Let me go for you. PETE: I don't know, Penny. PENNY: I want to go. AUTHOR: Next scene. Byers is in his car and Jack comes out and joins him. This is a really boring part, but Ardeth isn't back yet, and we're stalling. JACK: You were right, Mr. Byers. They know far too much. JOHN: Next day, Penny boards the prop-job that will take her to see Mulder. AUTHOR: Good news. Nobody's banging on the engine, saying the propeller's stuck. MACGYVER: No, that would be Jack's plane. JACK: Mac, that ain't even funny. SVEN: But it is true. AUTHOR: At the snack stand, Coricopat snatches the phone from the dude running it and calls Byers. CORI: It's Cori Jellicle. Our little tootsie's boarding the plane now. Just say the word and I'll have her taken out. BYERS: No, that's okay. Thanks just the same, though. I do have freinds in that part of the world. --There is a knock on Byers' door-- BYERS: I have to go now. It's Giles..........the librarian. (hangs up) Mr. Giles, thanks so much for coming. GILES: (shakes his hand) It's a nice day. BYERS: Yes, it certainly is......have a seat. GILES: (takes a seat) So how can I help you? BYERS: (sits on the desk across from him) Well, you can assure me that the research I've been doing at the city library is strictly confidential. GILES: Absolutely, Mr. Byers. BYERS: Really? Are you sure? Pete Thorton has been poking his nose into my business. GILES: You have nothing to worry about, Mr. Byers. Your privacy is protected. All requests for access to special collections must come directly to me. I'm the only one who sees them. BYERS: (does not look convinced) Well good. I feel a whole lot better now.(stands up) Thanks so much for coming. --They shake hands again-- GILES: Not a problem. (turns to leave) BYERS: One more thing if you don't mind-- AUTHOR: Skip the 'gouge his eyes out' thing. Giles, you're dead. Have a seat. Next scene! Penny is on the prop-job and almost to the Bengala. PAN-AM CLIPPER ***************** --Everyone is quiet and happy. The stewards are serving coffee, and Penny is looking at the Rat symbol again. Outside the plane, three smaller red planes start shooting at the Clipper, forcing it down over the ocean-- AUTHOR: In the Skull cave, Rufio is listening to the radio hearing the distress call----Rufio! Turn the walkman off! RUFIO: (sighs and switches headphones) MULDER: (steps up) I'm going to leave with Phyro. What are you listening to, Junior G-men? RUFIO: Well, I was listening to the Wolfgirl sing, but now I'm listening to them force some plane down. MULDER: (rolls his eyes and picks up the other headphones) The Pan-Am Clipper's been forced down over the ocean. RUFIO: I believe I just said that, didn't I? JOHN: Outside the Clipper, the lady pilots, Yves, Mara, Leia, Scully, and Cordelia blow a hole in the side of the plane, around the door. AUTHOR: The passengers scream and Penny puts the rat picture back into her boot. The pilots board the plane, pointing their guns at randomly picked people. YVES: We want Penny Parker. And we are prepared to kill all of you, one by one, until she steps forward. PENNY: (stands up) I'm Penny Parker. YVES: So quickly, how disappointing. (walks up to Penny) PENNY: (pulls the mask off Yves' head) YVES: (shakes out her hair) Happy now? Get a good look. (decks her) JOHN: Ardeth Bay is late. We need him for the next scene. AUTHOR: (checks watch) He should have been back by now. I wonder what happened. SVEN: We could try a stand-in. AUTHOR: The only one who could stand in for Mr. Med-Jai is Murdoc, and he went with him. XANDER: Well that sucks, now what? AUTHOR: (thinks about it) There's enough story to end part one, so I guess we take an hour's break and switch to Cutthroat. Maybe he'll be back by then. Med-crew, stand by in case he's hurt. MUNGO: Go' i' . JOHN: See you all in an hour for Cutthroat. Langly and Nikki, go change. YVES: What about her? (points at Penny) AUTHOR: Asprin for the headache. Later, all. (exits) END PART ONE *************************** And we switch back to Cutthroat. Enter Imhotep, Johnathan, Rick, & Evelyn.....and don't you wonder why Ardeth is so late? \\ WE'RE BACK AGAIN, AND "BATMAN: THE SPOOF" HAS FINISHED PART ONE. WE ARE NOW IN THE MIDDLE OF PART TWO AND DOING BOTH THIS ONE AND THAT ONE AT THE SAME TIME. "THE PHANTOM...FROM THE FBI" WILL BE FINISHED BEFORE "CUTTHROAT" CONTINUES..... JUST SO YOU KNOW.....HOWEVER, WHETHER IT WILL ALL FIT IN THIS ONE SECTION IS BEYOND ME. WE SHALL SEE. **Also ^_^, Mr. Imhotep has gone bye bye.** We cracked him!!!!!!!! --Didn't take long, did it?-- ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BEFORE THE SPOOF CONTINUES ******************************* Okay, now I'm beginning to get annoyed.....Why is it that this spoof has been out for over a month and I have no reviews?! I'm beginning to think you aren't liking it.... Please people. Even if it sucks tell me!!! I don't know otherwise. Obviously, I've moved it to Lone Gunmen, as most of the main characters from both spoofs are from Lone Gunmen.....I HAD it in the Mummy because of some of the funny stuff is bacause of those characters, as you will see....but I moved it because nobody reviewed it. Am I to think that no one is reading it? It takes a lot of work to do this. Can you at least tell me what you think?! I'm a very sensitive person....dispite what you read. Don't you love me? ***************************** AUTHOR: (several hours later) Are we all here? ARDETH: Ready and waiting. IMHOTEP: (grins widly) JOHN: Liked the video clips, did you? IMHOTEP: (nods) AUTHOR: Okay, as Batman is going on at the same time, we welcome to the Peanut Gallery; Ian Malcom, Ryan Gaerity, and Alan Grant. Gentlemen, come on in. GAERITY: (dressed as the Joker) There's that puppy again. HARLEY: (gives a wolf-grin) *What a nice human* SVEN: And what about the others? AUTHOR: For now, that's it. We'll see about more later and Steve will be in as well. We need to start now. JIGGLY: (enters) Jigglypuff! ALL: (turn to look) AAHHHHH!!!! JIGGLY: (starts singing) --The cast is soon asleep. Sven and the Author remain awake-- AUTHOR: Did we forget to make them immune? (points to Chris and John) SVEN: Oops. JIGGLY: (finishes her song, and bows) AUTHOR & SVEN: (applaud loudly) JIGGLY: (happily) Jiggly! (exits) SVEN: Not as fun as when she draws on them, is it? AUTHOR: Nope, but we can save it for later. She still has that permanent marker Gaerity gave her. SVEN: (smiles) Of course. Do you think you can get Ardeth to remove that happy face yet? AUTHOR: Hard to say. WAKE UP EVERYONE! WE HAVE A SPOOF TO DO!!!! --The characters wake up and look around-- ASH: Hey, we're not drawn on! JESSIE: Was that that Animal Girl again, or was it the real one? RUFIO: Real one. Trust me. Animal Girl isn't back yet. SVEN: She'll be here. MISTY: So how come we're not drawn on? AUTHOR: it was a beautiful song. SVEN: Definitely. MARA: You stayed awake for the whole thing? AUTHOR: Um...yeah. JOHN: I think we need to talk. CHRIS: I would say so. SVEN: Okay, we'll make you immune. Don't bust a socket. AUTHOR: Back to the spoof. Ardeth has a scene with Mulder. THE SPOOF CONTINUES *********************** --Peter Banning walks with Ardeth Bay through the small army village-- PETER: I'll stay on the radio, Captain. ARDETH: All right. Wake me if there's any news. (steps into his hut, and washes his hands and face-- the happy-face is now gone) ALL: (applaud) FRANK: I thought that was NEVER gonna leave. MACAVITY: No kiddin'. It's very disturbing when your Captain, who is supposed to intimidate you, has a happy face in the middle of his forehead. IMHOTEP: (snickers) ARDETH: (is standing, impatiently, tapping his foot) AUTHOR: Script now. Captain Ardeth turns to see Mulder in his purple suit, eating. ARDETH: Can't you use a door? SVEN: And where's your flashlight? ARDETH: And why are you eating my food? AUTHOR: Ahem. MULDER: It's too obvious. I like the window. ARDETH: Good to see you, Agent. JOHN: That's "Phantom." You're not supposed to know who he is, remember? ARDETH: (rolls his eyes) Whatever. Isn't he also a Redcoat? AUTHOR: Nobody's perfect. ARDETH: We've had some trouble tonight. MULDER: So I heard. You left to fight mummies. JOHN: Ahem. MULDER: Any news? ARDETH: Passengers have been picked up by a Portuguese fishing boat. Everyone's safe, except for a young woman, who was abducted off the clipper. MULDER: Who? ARDETH: How should I know? I wasn't even there. I thought you would know. AUTHOR: Ardeth, read your script. ARDETH: (sighs) Oddly enough, she was on her way to see me. Her name's Penny Parker. MULDER: Penny Parker? Isn't she also a reporter? MURDOC: Nope, wrong spoof. She's an actress. Her Uncle Pete owns a news paper, remember? MULDER: Right. What he said. From New York. ARDETH: That's right. How did you know? MULDER: She's staring in this spoof and Batman, it was a lucky guess. ARDETH: First those grave robbers, then mummies, then pirates, then that walking, flying rat, now this. I only hope they get her back. She'll be needed in Batman. MULDER: I'll see what I can do. (starts to leave) ARDETH: (pulls him back) You'd better leave the same way you got in. I have enough trouble trying to pretend you're not real as it is. MULDER: Captain Ardeth, and his double life. ARDETH: Triple. I'm a British Captain, a Pirate Captain, and a Butler. AUTHOR: Wait until the next spoofs. LUKE: And how many are we doing at once next? SVEN: Only three. Mine, Cassi's, and a joint spoof. AUTHOR: We decided to both do one. You'll love it. It's exciting. PETER: Violent? AUTHOR: (frowns) Depends on how your point of view, I guess. We were talking with our friend, Ralph, and he didn't find it all that violent. SPIKE: Is Ralph insane? SVEN: Not even close. He has a good level head on his shoulders. HAN: Why am I still uneasy? AUTHOR: Well, you aren't even in the cast....I think, and if you are, it's brief. No worries. Back to the spoof. JAMES: She's scaring me. JESSIE: Wimp. MEOWTH: You said it. JARETH: Shut up. It's time for another animal scene. ALL: (lean forward to watch) MULDER: (makes a face as he walks over to where Phyro stands with Fiddles and Harley) PHYRO: Your Walking Ghostliness, I remember. They had airplanes. MULDER: Who, the bad men? HARLEY: *No, the Jawas* MURDOC: God help us. ALL: (laughing) FIDDLES: Of course, the bad men, dummy. How do you think they got the airplane down? Do you think they flew like Peter Pan, or walked up invisible stairs? MULDER: You're sure I can't switch for normal animals? AUTHOR & JOHN: Yes. --Mulder hops onto Fiddles' back and pulls Phyro into his lap-- PHYRO: Planes with boats for feet. MULDER: What? Seaplanes? FIDDLES: No, land planes. They float in the desert! That's what they do! MULDER: Would you STOP THAT?! HARLEY: *Why? It is funny.* AUTHOR: They ride off and Phyro leads him to the beach where a boat and several red seaplanes are docked nearby. Now we go to the inside of the boat, where Yves carries Penny in and Han follows. YVES: Why can't he carry her? JOHN: Because the script says you do. YVES: (drops Penny into a chair) --Penny's mouth has been covered with a scarf-- YVES: (to Han) Thanks for the help. HAN: Let's see her face. YVES: (removes the scarf) Sort of pretty...in a spoiled rich girl kind of way. PENNY: Who are you people? Are you crazy? LEIA: It has been rumored. PENNY: Do you know how many laws you've broken? Disruption of International Air Transportaion, Piracy, Kidnapping... YVES: Ooo, feisty, too. HAN: (to Penny) Shut up. MURDOC: (says something to MacGyver) MACGYVER: (chokes on his drink, laughing) AUTHOR: What was that? MACGYVER: (still coughing) GAERITY: (whacks him on the back) SVEN: Murdoc said if Han can get her to shut up, he's doing better than anyone else who's tried. PENNY: (glares) That's not funny. AUTHOR: Yes it is. I've seen "MacGyver" on TV. Penny talks as much as Xander. SPIKE: (makes a face) Good luck, Han. JOHN: Can we continue? AUTHOR: Yeah, I guess. PENNY: (glaring) If this kidnapping is about money, you're not going to get one red cent. Not one. Red. Cent. MURDOC: See? SPIKE & GAERITY: Yep. PENNY: Make them stop. AUTHOR: Guys? Cut it out, or Abominable comes back. MURDOC, GAERITY, & SPIKE: (look at each other) Chillin'!! AUTHOR: Okay, Han? HAN: (grabs Penny's chin) I gotta report in now. Somebody has a big interest in you. Maybe when I get back, you and I could.....(trails off as he sees Leia glaring at him) LEIA: Ahem. HAN: ....eh....Just skip that line. LEIA: That's better. LUKE: (snickering) MARA: (elbows him) AUTHOR: End of scene. Go back to the outside where Mulder lets Phyro go. MULDER: (disgustedly, jumps off Fiddles) FIDLDES: (sticks out his tongue and blows a rasberry) MULDER: (ignores him and turns to Phyro) Good work, Phyro. Go on back to the Lost Boys. PETER: Wait a minute. That pyromaniac is a Lost Boy, now? JOHN: No, he just works with them. DON'T ASK: (grins wickedly) PETER: Over my dead body. GAERITY: (shoots him) Okay. AUTHOR: RYAN!!! That's NOT funny! MURDOC: Well, he was asking for it. JOHN: Mungo, come get Peter Pan and bring him back! SVEN: (looks through the script) Why? You don't need him anymore for this spoof and you're finishing it before you go back to Cutthroat. Harley can control the Lost Boys. LOST BOYS: (stare, horrified) AUTHOR: (shrugs) Okay, let him stay dead. Harley casually waltzes on board the boat through the front door, how nobody sees this is beyond me, and Mulder takes the hard way, climbing up a rope. MULDER: This seems unfair. If they can't see THAT come on the boat through the front door, they wouldn't see me either. HARLEY: (turns and sticks out his tongue) *Nah nah nah!!! Shut up and climb the rope, you lazy human freak!!!* KIT: I feel very fotunate that I have Hero and Devil. RUFIO: Don't bet on it. They can talk, too, just not out loud. I bet they could tell some great stories. KIT: (looks at them) They probably could, but they're two of the best friends I could ever have. HERO & DEVIL: (beam proudly) RUFIO: Yeah, they love you. You're fortunate. AUTHOR: Continue now! On board the boat, Yves is talking to Penny. YVES: Nice boots. Expensive, huh? PENNY: Not really. YVES: (comes to sit next to her) Come on.....we can talk. It's just us girls. (looks at the boots again) Mind if I take a look? (moves to untie her feet) PENNY: (moves them away) YVES: Quit that. (pulls the boot off) --The envelope falls to the floor. Penny covers it with her feet-- YVES: (inspecting the boot) I was right. "Park Avenue, New York." Just my size, too. AUTHOR: Meanwhile, Mulder sneaks up to a door and barges in, guns drawn. MULDER: (bursts in) Gentlemen, nobody.......ladies. Hello. (grins) --Inside the room, are Mara, Leia, and Cordelia in various stages of undressing-- HAN: Hey! Stop looking at her! LUKE: (ignites his lightsaber) Ahem! FROHIKE: Where's Scully? SCULLY: (comes out of the office in a bathrobe) Don't move! (aims a gun at Mulder) MULDER: Why Dana! you wouldn't dare. SCULLY: (shoots a pipe, missing him by a centimeter) I would run if I were you. MULDER: (jumps into the nearby laundry chute) LEIA: Nice shot. AUTHOR: and he lands in the room just as Yves is opening the envelope that was in the boot. MULDER: (looks at Yves) What is this, a ship full of women? I've died and gone to heaven. YVES: All my pilots are women. MULDER: (turns to see Penny, and looks back at Yves) Excuse me. (leans over to untie Penny) PENNY: Who are you? FIDDLES: A freak in a purple suit. Play along. ALL: (laughing) MULDER: That's not funny! (looks at Penny) Good samaritain. YVES: I'll bet you're better than good. (aims her gun at him) --The alarm starts to go off-- YVES: Looks like I'll get the chance to find out. MULDER: (turns to Penny) You know, there's an old jungle saying. Never point a gun at someone, because it just might go OFF! (slaps the gun out of Yves' hand) YVES: Ooo, fast hands. I like that in a man. (grabs Mulder and kisses him) SCULLY: (charges in and shoots Yves) SVEN: These spoofs are getting incredibly violent, aren't they? AUTHOR: Gaerity, you're catching. Go stand in the corner. GAERITY: This isn't very fair. JOHN: Mungo, bring back Yves. We need her! MUNGO: (glares at Scully, while, he drags Yves away) JIMMY: Hey, you didn't have to kill her. She was only following the script. SCULLY: I was aiming for Mulder. My sights are still off. I can try again. JOHN: No thanks. We don't need that star dead. They had enough trouble with Malcom, because Gaerity didn't read the script. GAERITY: I read the script. He wanted to die. I merely helped him out. AUTHOR: Face the corner. GAERITY: (sticks his lip out and turns around) AUTHOR: Bad enough he looks like the Joker. Why's he gotta act like it? Sven, what did you do to him? SVEN: Nothin'. That's how he normally acts. JOHN: Can we get back to the script now? AUTHOR: Where were we? CHRIS: Thr redhead just wasted Yves. AUTHOR: Right. Penny and Mulder escape. Guys? MULDER: Let's go. PENNY: Not so fast. Why should I go with you? MULDER: Trust me, Penny. (looks out the door) PENNY: You know my name? MULDER: It's in the script. AUTHOR: Ahem. MULDER: Your kidnapping's been reported to the authorities. This is a rescue. PENNY: Thanks, you've done a good job. I can take it from here. (walks out of the room as soon as she has her boot back on) MULDER: Nice to be needed. MACGYVER: She's changed a lot. MURDOC: I'll say. MULDER: (follows her) JOHN: Meanwhile, Han comes down as he hears the alarm. HAN: what's going on? (pauses to kiss Leia in the hallway) LEIA: There's a freak on board.....in a purple suit. HAN: Great. Find him, stop him. Don't let him get off this ship, now go. (kisses her again) KIT: Interesting. AUTHOR: They're married. Let 'em be. JOHN: Penny comes walking down the hall, and Mulder jerks her under a stairway. PENNY: Hey! MULDER: Shhh! --From above, Han is shouting orders to the women and various men working on the boat--The men come down the steps in front of them and round the corner-- MULDER: I think we should stick together. PENNY: Okay. (starts to walk away) MULDER: (pulls her back) What I mean is I think we should stick together, but I should go first. PENNY: Fine, go ahead, it's your rescue. HARLEY: *Insult* FIDDLES: Big insult! Big one! She insulted him! Woo-hoo! YAKKO: I like you. FIDDLES: (cheesy grin) JOHN: They come out on the upper deck, and are ambushed as three vampires grab Mulder and one grabs Penny. Han stands oin front of Mulder with a crowbar. HAN: Relax, man. Relax. MULDER: You're pointing a crowbar at me and you're telling me to RELAX!? KIT: I know hwow you feel, ecxept, I could still feel the knife wound. You can't. MULDER: No, but I was shot in the shoulder recently. JOHN: Yeah, but not in this spoof. HAN: Small world, huh? (jabs him with the crowbar) RUFIO: Harley, you have to jump him. HARLEY: *For HIM!?* AUTHOR: No, for me. Do your part. HARLEY: *Okay* (growls and jumps Han) HAN: Nice puppy! Down boy! MULDER: (breaks loose and shoots the vampire holding Penny) VAMPIRE: Pu-lease! PENNY: (turna around and kicks him) Look! I can STILL do that kick! MURDOC: (as Jacques LaRue) Bravo, Penny! I kneew you could do eet! PENNY: (beams proudly) Thankyou Jacques! MULDER: (drags her away) MACGYVER: She's gone insane! SVEN: We have that effect on people. PENNY: (to Mulder) Your dog's a wolf. MULDER: Unfortunately, I know. Get in the plane. PENNY: Can you fly a plane? AUTHOR: He can now. PENNY: (jumps aboard) MULDER: (gets into the seat behind her and starts up the plane--as Indiana Jones) Fly? Yes! Land? NO! PENNY: (muttering) I'm going to die. HARLEY: (gets off Han) *You may get up now. I have somewhere to be.* (runs off) HAN: Well, that was different. (jumps up) Let's go! They're getting away! We gotta stop them! --They open fire on the plane, and manage to shoot several holes in the fuel-tank, which starts leaking-- The plane tkaes off and Han and his men start after them in trucks and on horses-- HAN: (to the horsemen) Stay with us! Ride fast! HARLEY: (runs up to Fiddles) *We have to run now, and chase the plane!* FIDDLES: Right! We have to save the damsel in distress from the freak in the purple suit! HARLEY: *Exactly* --They take off after the plane, racing through the forest--Up on the plane, Penny stares at the ground, which rushes past below-- MULDER: (looks at the fuel-guage, as the engine sputters, then looks at the bullet holes in the fuel-tank) We're losing fuel! We have to take it down! (he aims the plane at a clearing) See the pontoon? PENNY: Yes! MULDER: Climb onto it! PENNY: WHAT?! MULDER: Trust me! FIDDLES: (running below) I KNEW he was insane! I KNEW it! He's gonna get her killed! That's what he's gonna do! KIT: The real one lived. WAKKO: And your point is? DOT: That doesn't make any difference anymore, remember? PENNY: (climbs onto the pontoon) I must be crazy. (she is hit in the face by some leaves) Oh ewww!! MULDER: (climbs down with her) PENNY: Who's flying the plane? MULDER: I jammed the stick! We don't have much time! This clearing isn't very long! Get ready! PENNY: "Get ready?" FIDDLES: (runs up below them) Here I come to save the DAY!!!!! I'll catch you, fair damsel!!! MULDER: I can't believe I'm doing this. (moves to hang from the pontoon) PENNY: You can't! MULDER: We have to! (he lets go and lands on Fiddles) FIDDLES: (dumps him off) You're not the damsel! Get OFF! Jump, damsel! I'll catch you!!! MULDER: (glares from the ground) AUTHOR: Pause! --The plane freezes in midair-- AUTHOR: Fiddles, you have to follow the script! Mulder, get back on the horse! FIDDLES: (does the Wolvie pout and gets back on Fiddles' back) KIT, HERO, & DEVIL: (are on the floor in hysterical laughter) MULDER: Very funny. JOHN: Okay, back to the spoof. Mulder catches Penny and the plane crashes. PENNY: I can't believe we just did that. MULDER: Niether can I. I don't wanna be a star again. SVEN: Tough. You're the bad guy in my next spoof. FIDDLES: Nah nah-nah nah-nah!!! AUTHOR: Han and his mencome driving and riding up after them now! HAN & VAMPIRES: (start shooting at them) MULDER: (to Penny) Swing around behind me! FIDDLES: I'm gonna get a hernia!!! I hope you're happy! HARLEY: (comes running up behind them) *Anyone shoots me and they die horribly, just to let you know!* HAN: What are these? Stromtrooper blasters? They SUCK! JOHN: That's the point! You're not supposed to hit them! HAN: (frustrated because he keeps missing them) Come on!!! Step on it! FASTER! MISTY: You know you shouldn't stand with your head out the window of a car!! FIDDLES: (jumps over the fallen tree) Oooo, bye-bye, car!!! --The jeep runs into the fallen tree and Han goes flying-- MISTY: Told ya so! PSYDUCK: Psy yi yi!!! MISTY: What are you doing out!? AUTHOR: He's on the list! Poor thing! Do you have a headache? PSYDUCK: (holds his head) Psy? AUTHOR: Come here, you poor baby. I'll make it better. PSYDUCK: (steps over to the Author) AUTHOR: (hands him an Excedrin) You take this. It'll make you better. --Psyduck take sthe pill and flops into the Author's lap-- MISTY: (makes a face) JOHN: Spoof! HAN: (to the vampires on horses) Catch 'em! Don't let them escape! FIDDLES: (splashes through a river) Now I'm wet! I'm gonna catch pneumonia, and no one even cares! AUTHOR: Just follow the script! If you get sick, the med-team can cure you! HARLEY: (snickers) PENNY: We can't outrun them doubled up like this! FIDDLES: I can drop one! JOHN: Ahem! AUTHOR: Oh no, you will not! --From the side of the set, Krissy the Animal Girl steps forward, shaking her head-- KRISSY: Fiddles, follow the script. Iris will see this video! FIDDLES: (grins widely, and waves at the camera) Lady Iris, look at me!!! I'm on TV!!! Hi everybody!!! I'm on TV!!!! AUTHOR: (makes a face) And people think I'm insane for saying "Hi Mom" to security cameras. Back to the story! MULDER: Don't worry, I have friends in these woods! --They ride below a series of tree huts, and all the Lost Boys-- ACE: Bangarang!!! --The boys swing down and stake the vampires-- PENNY: (stares) How did you do that?! MULDER: My friends....The Lost Boys. Bangarang!!! BOYS: BANGARANG!!! TINK: I think we should bring Peter back. RUFIO: Why? You don't need him now. TINK: (glares) I STILL think-- RUFIO: Ah, stuff it, Tinkerbird. TINK: Why you-- POUNCE: BOINGY!!!! TINK: GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME!!! ALL: (laughing) PANNY: I think I'm gonna throw up. MULDER: Well, don't do it on ME!!! Go to the bathroom!!!! FIDDLES: Not on me either!!! GET OFF!!! (dumps them both to the ground) AUTHOR: Okay, skip to the Skull Cave. SKULL CAVE *************** --After Penny is recovered, she, Mulder and Harley walk through the cave-- MULDER: Wait here one second? PENNY: Okay. MULDER: (walks over to the "Treasure room" and grabs a string of black pearls, then returns to Penny) I want to give you something to remember me by. PENNY: Somehow, I don't think that's going to be a problem. MULDER: Well, you won't find these in New York. (puts them around her neck) PENNY: Wow, black pearls....Are they real? KIT: Yes. PENNY: Can I keep? KIT: Yeah, sure. PENNY: Oh THANKYOU!! I LOVE them! (runs over and kisses Kit on the cheek) MULDER: (rolls his eyes) --Suddenly, Ardeth Bay and Imhotep enter the cave, fighting with their lightsabers--Ardeth is dressed in gray with a black belt, and boots, and Imhotep is dressed in all black with a long flowing cape-- ALL: (staring) IMHOTEP: (knocks Ardeth off his feet and poses menacingly above him) EVELYN: Has he gone insane?! RICK: Someone stop him! ALL: (too busy staring) IMHOTEP: Ardeth, I am your father. ARDETH: NOOOOO!!!!! IT'S NOT TRUE!!!!! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!!!! GAERITY: (turns to watch) --Everyone on set, including the Jawas are staring--- AUTHOR: John, get those two a couple of Oscars! ARDETH & IMHOTEP: (grin with glee and take their bows) ALL: (standing ovation) SVEN: At least we know what they were watching backstage. HAN: I'll say. That was wonderful. ARDETH & IMHOTEP: (accept their awards) Thankyou...thankyou. CHRIS: We should give the Mummy more star roles. He's good. SVEN: We've warped him already!!! A new record!!! JOHN: Yes, well, we should really be getting back to the spoof. MULDER: I forgot my line. PENNY: So did I. FIDDLES: What a preformance!!! How come the purple freak can't do that good? MULDER: Shut up! AUTHOR: It's Ardeth's line. He enters with Rufio. ARDETH: Of course. Not the old pearl ploy again. MULDER: (finds his place) That's what passes for humor in the jungle, Penny. PENNY: What? His line, or his act? SVEN: His line. His act is what passes for humor on our set. PENNY: Right. MULDER: Captain Ardeth, Penny Parker. ARDETH: Good to see you're still alive, my dear. How did you manage to get away? MULDER: Penny did all the work, actually. FIDDLES: Did NOT! Harley and I did!!! You were just lucky we didn't let you DIE!! ARDETH: I'm sure the horse did do the work. Phantom is many men, but on spoof-set, horse and wolf rule. MULDER: I hate this movie. ARDETH: I recieved your Uncle's wire, Penny. What could be so important to bring you all this way? PENNY: (pulls out the evelope from here boot and hands it to him) Can you identify this symbol? ARDETH: (looks at it and motions to Mulder) You'd better have a look. MULDER: (comes to look) PENNY: Well, somebody say something. FIDDLES: Something! PEANUT GALLERY: (snickering) MULDER: You're all mixed up with the Macavity Brotherhood, Penny. PENNY: The what? ARDETH: Macavity Brotherhood. An ancient order of evil. They started out as pirates, but who knows what they've become now. MULDER: Where did you get this? PENNY: From New York. My Uncle's newspaper is investigating a man named John Byers. He's crazy.... power mad. MULDER: That is so unlike Byers. I wonder what happened. AUTHOR: Script! MULDER: Captain, I want you to take her back. Use every man at your disposal, and give her all the protection she needs. PENNY: Wait a minute. You're just going to send me away? MULDER: I'm afraid so. PENNY: Listen, I came here to do a job, and that's what I'm going to do. There's a lot more I need to know. MULDER: (looks at her for a moment) Goodbye, Penny. (walks off) ARDETH: Penny, nobody agrues with the Phantom and wins. FIDDLES: 'Cept me and Harley, and Rufio. FROHIKE: And Scully sometimes. RUFIO: Old jungle wives tale. JOHN: Back to New York City! Cut and print! NEW YORK CITY ******************* JOHN: We need Byers, Yves and Han! Is Yves alive yet? YVES: (enters) Yes. AUTHOR: Okay, Byers' office. BYERS: (pulls the adamantium skull out of a leather satchel) Oh, it is beautiful. YVES: I used a little toothpaste on it. It polished up real nice. BYERS: (looks at Yves) Toothpaste.....that's nice. I am in such a good mood right now, I almost hate to bring to mention this. (holds up a newspaper--the headline reads, "Editor's niece escapes kidnappers. Penny Parker returns home.") Ah, the happy homecoming. Brings a tear to the eye. So what went wrong? HAN: Something you didn't count on. BYERS: And what is that? HAN: The Phantom. BYERS: I thought that was just a superstition. HAN: No, he's real, and he won't die. I know. I killed him once, and he's not dead. BYERS: That doesn't make sense. LUKE: Well, you ARE talking to Han Solo. SVEN: No, it's Mulder in the purple suit that doesn't make sense. FIDDLES: We know, we know. MULDER: Would you STOP THAT!? We aren't even IN this scene. HAN: (pulls a belt off his waist, that matches the one Mulder wears) Look, I brought this to prove it. See this hole? That's where I--wait a minute! This guy Quill stabbed him in the BACK!? How chicken is THAT!? KIT: That was my opinion, too. AUTHOR: Okay, he won't die, skip to Yves' line. YVES: The Phantom helped Penny to escape. I think he's in love with her. BYERS: No, take my word for it, he's in love with Scully. JOHN: Ahem. AUTHOR: Script. BYERS: (rolls his eyes) Really? This is getting more interesting by the minute. What makes you think that? YVES: Because he could have had me. But he picked her. That could only be love. BYERS: Or just simply bad judgement. SPIKE: Or the fact that you got shot by his partner. HAN: What should we do about it? BYERS: Do? Nothing. I'm not worried about some jungle folk hero half a world away. AUTHOR: Cut to the outside, where Mulder is getting out of a taxi cab driven by Kurt Wagner. CHRIS: So much for a half a world away. MULDER: (hands Kurt some money) Keep the change. WAGNER: (bamfs out of the car to stand by Mulder) Zhis is not real money. MULDER: Yes it is! It's just from another country. WAGNER: Spoof currency is preferred. MULDER: Why? the Jawas take anything. WAGNER: (glares) Don't make me run you over, sir. FIDDLES: Ooo! Ooo! Run him over!! MULDER: (ignores the horse) I'm afraid it's all I've got. WAGNER: It bettah not be. MULDER: Wait a minute. (digs into his pocket and comes up with a handful of stones--he points at some) These are opals, and this is...a star saphire. Oh heck, take 'em all. WAGNER: (stares at him) MULDER: Don't worry, they're real, and I'm sure they'll secure your services for the rest of the day, so wait right here. WAGNER: You're kidding. KIT: No they're real. You can go check. WAGNER: Can I keep? KIT: Yeah, sure. MUNGO: Coul' me an' Teazah-- KIT: No. MUNGO & TEAZER: (do the Wolvie pout) AUTHOR: Okay, Byers' building......let's see.....I don't like this part. I always fast forward it. Byers makes a big speech about God being dead, and the skulls, and having the power, and he knows where the second one is.....and he kills Coricopat because he disagreed, so Cori, you're dead, and we go to Xander and Penny. BYERS: We're skipping MY scene? AUTHOR: You'll have plenty of others, now quit pouting. JOHN: Newspaper office! XANDER: (runs up to Penny on the stairs) Back from your little escapade in the jungle, I see! PENNY: (seems annoyed) What do you want, Xander? XANDER: I was in town on some business, and I thought we could get together. PENNY: What business? XANDER: I was having some suits made. PENNY: That's not business. FROHIKE: Desperate, isn't he? YVES: You would know. BYERS & MULDER: (snickering) FROHIKE: Very funny. XANDER: (continues) It is for the guy making the suits. Why do you have to be so difficult? I just thought we could grab a early dinner and a show. What do you say? PENNY: Can I take a rain check? CHRIS: Blow off! RUFIO: Big time! XANDER: (frowns) Sure, add it to your collection. MURDOC: Oh, don't take it so hard. You still have that airheaded blonde. XANDER: That's ANYA! MURDOC: Whatever. JOHN: The two of them come into Pete's office. PETE: (looks up) Penny, I have a surprise for you. Come into my office. WOLVIE: Aren't they already in it? EVELYN: No, dummy. the secretary has her own section, too. MEOWTH: What a waste of space. AUTHOR: Butt out, hairball. Anyway, they go into Pete's REAL office, and see Mulder! PENNY: Fox! MULDER: (frowns) SVEN: Oh shut up and deal with it! There are dorkier names! MURDOC: (coughs) Angus! MACGYVER: Oh, shut up! MULDER: Hello Penny. It's been a while. PENNY: A few years at least. MULDER: Six, to be exact. I heard what happened. Are you alright? PENNY: Yes, you saved me, remember? JOHN: You don't know he's the Phantom. PENNY: LOOK at him!! How can I NOT know!? AUTHOR: Because the script says you don't, now ACT! PENNY: I'm fine. It started out bad, but it all turned out okay. XANDER: Oh, I'm Xander Harris. MULDER: (shakes his hand) Fox Mulder. XANDER: So tell me, Fox. Where do you know our Penny from? MULDER: Musketeers. I was Aramis and she was a barmaid. JOHN: Script. MULDER: (sighs) We went to college together. XANDER: (frowns) I see. (walks to the other side of the room) PENNY: (to Mulder) So, are you living here in New York? MULDER: Nope, just passing through. Catching up on old times with Uncke Pete. PETE: Yes, trading information about John Byers. FROHIKE: Better watch it, Byers. they're talking about you behind your back. BYERS: I'm listening. PENNY: what about Byers? PETE: Byers has come into possesion of a rare artifact, connected to the Macavity Brotherhood. Tell her, Fox. MULDER: It;s an ancient adamantium skull, with precious stones where the eyes should be. XANDER: I've seen something like that before. But I don't think it was adamantium. I think it was green. MULDER: Green. Green rock candy perhaps. I mean where? XANDER: Let's see....It was my twelfth birthday party and my folks had rented a big room.....oh now I remember. It was the museum of World History. AUTHOR: Out front in the taxi cab! WAGNER: Right away, sir! (opens the car door) MULDER: You're in a good mood. WAGNER: I bamfed over to have these sings checked. Zhey are real and Kit said I could keep. You may call me Pharaoh. MULDER: No surprise there. WANGER: Vhere to? PENNY: The Museum of World History. (get into the car) MULDER: (shrugs) You heard the lady. (gets in beside her) WANGER: (closes the door and bamfs into the car) PENNY: (covers her nose) Can't you use the door? WAGNER: Vhy? PENNY: The door doesn't stink? SVEN: Yes it does. It's New York. The air's polluted! AUTHOR: Back to the story! They're in the car! MULDER: I've gotta say it, Penny. You look great. you've not changed a bit. MURDOC: You can tell he never knew her. MACGYVER: Yep. PETE: Definitely. JOHN: Just let them read the script! PENNY: You just vanished, Fox. MULDER: Yeah, I guess I did. PENNY: Without a word. Without a letter. Not even a phonecall. Why? BYERS: He was abducted by aliens. ALL: (laughing) MULDER: Would you STOP that? It's bad enough I can't act with the animals! Do I need you too? FIDDLES: Well, Fiddles is insulted. The human blames his bad acting on us because he can't get it right. HARLEY: *Red Feather says he did a good job in the Musketeers* --Red Feather=Rufio-- MULDER: I won an Oscar. It's the animals. FIDDLES: Well,excuse ME! Fiddles can act! Fiddles is a good actor. (looks at the camera) Tell them, Lady Iris. Fiddles is a good horse! RUFIO: Harley is good, too. He just don't like the FBI Agent. HARLEY: *We don't come back in until the end, anyway, Fiddles. Let's go play with the Lost Boys* LOST BOYS: (look horrified) SVEN: Is Fiddles playing the Police horse, too? AUTHOR: Hadn't decided. We might just use Hero and give Mulder a break. MULDER: Mulder would like that. JOHN: Prince John would like it better if you would finish your lines so we can get to the museum! BYERS: So would Byers. He's in that scene. AUTHOR: Would you guys quit with the third person thing? MULDER: Fiddles started it. FIDDLES: I talk any way I like to talk. It's not Fiddles' fault that humans can't be like him. MULDER: (gags) Like we'd want to. AUTHOR: Hello! Back to the spoof! TODAY!!! (mutters) And Sven wonders why I'm not finished yet. SVEN: That and the fact that you spend more time typing the earlier spoofs then you do writting the new ones. AUTHOR: That's beside the point. And I'm almost finished with Shadows, part three. SPIKE: You're only on SHADOWS!? AUTHOR: In Sven's spoofs. Mine, I'm ready for Spike in Tights. SPIKE: (makes a face) IMHOTEP: (snickers) ARDETH: We saw that. It was amusing. SPIKE: That's because none of YOU were in it. LUKE: I hated that spoof. SVEN: Oh, but you looked nice in the dress, Luke. **That's for real, people!! Luke in a dress in Spike in Tights!!! Look it up if you haven't read it** MARA: (laughing) HAN: (in his "Quill" outfit--is laughing incoherently) JOHN: Spoof now? AUTHOR: Right. Penny and Mulder. MULDER: Where was I? JOHN: Family business. MULDER: Right. My father died rather suddenly. PENNY: I'm sorry. But I never heard from you. MULDER: I had to....take over the family business. JACK D: That's a delecate way of putting it. KIT: What? It WAS the family business! DAWN: The guy's got a point. AUTHOR: Story! MULDER: I know it's hard to exlain, but I've thought a lot about you since then, Penny. PENNY: I thought about you, too, Fox. Then I stopped, and I went on with my life. CHRIS: Oh, that one was bad. RUFIO: Major. AUTHOR: Okay, skip to the inside of the museum! --Penny and Mulder stare at the green skull inside the glass-- MULDER: They got it all wrong. Wrong century, wrong culture, wrong hemisphere. This skull hasn't been lost, it's just been misplaced. PENNY: What's your interest in Byers and these skulls? MULDER: I represent the true owners. I want to see them returned. Byers wants them for himself. We can't let it. I've got to get it out of here. PENNY: Wait. Uncle Pete knows someone on the Board of Directors. It may take a couple days, but-- --Mulder, not listening to her, steps up to the glass, breaks it, steps into the showcase, and picks up the skull.-- PENNY: (watching) Or we could just break the glass. JOHN: Mulder turns around with the skull to face Byers, Han, and the rest of their group, all with guns. BYERS: (opens the bag) I'll take that, thankyou. MULDER: Hiya, Byers. How you been? (puts the skull into the bag) HAN: (takes the bag from Byers) Script says I'm carrying it. BYERS: Hey, Mulder. How's it going? (turns around) Museum security, folks! Everything is under control! Free cake and sandwiches are being served at the Jawa snack stand! Bring the little ones, don't miss out! ALL: (run for the Jawas) AUTHOR: Figures. Time to eat! --Afte everyone has had their food-- SKIMBLE: What's with the bag? It's moving. AUTHOR: Oh no. BYERS: (reaches into the bag, and pulls out the green skull) --Wolvie is hanging from it by his teeth-- HAN: Get him off that! He's eating the green skull! KIT: (laughing) Green rock candy, ey? BYERS: (shakes Wolvie off) WOLVIE: (falls to the floor, but swallows the piece in his mouth) SVEN: So now the green skull has a bite taken out of it. How spoof like. WOLVIE: (belches) BYERS: Aren't they supposed to show the way to the other skull? JOHN: They aren't real. They can't. We took the liberty of already having the burnt spot on the map. BYERS: (shrugs) Okay, that's where it is. AUTHOR: Now, they take Mulder and Penny with them and load them into a car, while Kurt watches. WAGNER: (has headphones on and is reading a comic book) CHRIS: Something tells me he's not watching. --The car door opens up and Jigglypuff steps out-- ALL: (scream in terror) "JIGGLY": (shifts into the Krissy, the Animal Girl) Got you! (walks away, laughing) CHRIS: I'm really not liking her much. SVEN: Excuse me! I created her! CHRIS: Right, and a beautiful character she is, too. Can we continue? ARDETH: I knew it wasn't the real one. LOGAN: I did too. I could smell her. JOHN: Story! They take them to Byers' building. AUTHOR: Skip to the office chat. Fox is being held back by Pouncival and Tumblebrutus of the Jellicle crime family. I love the way that sounds. BYERS: (steps in front of them) Alright, what's your name, Mulder, and why do you want those skulls? --Frohike and Jimmy are straining themselves to keep from laughing out loud-- MULDER: (snickering) Fox Mulder. BYERS: (with a completely straight face) And who is Fox Mulder? MULDER: (still snickering) I am. BYERS: And what about the skull? MULDER: (now laughing) I thought it would go well with my drapes. BYERS: (nods) Right. I'm not touching that one. ALL: (laughing incoherently) AUTHOR: Script. BYERS: Ahh, cute. You're very cute, Mr. Mulder. SVEN: Yeah, but not worth fighting ten million David Duchovny fans over. **I know that's not spelled right. Leave me alone. I'm more of a Gunmen fan.**^_^--Cassi ALL: (laughing harder) BYERS: Very funny. (to Mulder) Fortunately, I have a cure for that. HAN: (steps up and punches Mulder in the gut) PENNY: Stop it! Don't hurt him! MULDER: (now missing his hat--looks up to see the "Phantom" gunbelt around Han's waist) BYERS: (to Penny) Why Penny, are you sweet on Agent Mulder? I thought your true love was swinging on a jungle vine somewhere. PENNY: How did you....I mean.....who told you that? YVES: (stands up) I did. BYERS: Yves has all the latest gossip on two continents. FROHIKE: Why am I not surprised? JIMMY: Oh, give her a break. YVES: ( to Penny) Admit it. He's in love with you, and you're nuts about him. From the moment he came flying down that laundry chute, you were hooked. PENNY: (to Byers) You're dispickable. (turns to Yves) And you're just jealous. YVES: (smacks her across the face) PENNY: (fights to hit her back, but is held back by Admetus) YVES: (stick her nose in the air) Now, I'm one up on you. BYERS: Ladies....Han, would you show Agent Mulder up to the observation deck and make him talk? YVES: (as Han, Pounce, and Tumble escourt him out) I claim the body when you're done. SCULLY: You will NOT! GAERITY: Shoot 'er again, dahlin! AUTHOR: Turn around and face the corner, and Scully, if you shoot her again, I'M shooting YOU! SCULLY: I wasn't going to...(thinks a minute) But I'll claim the body when you're done. GUNMEN: (laughing) --After the others have left for the observation deck, Byers goes to his desk-- BYERS: Once I check these coordinates with this navigational chart, we'll know the location of the third skull. YVES: (comes to watch) JOHN: Meanwhile, the others are going up the stairs. Han is in the lead, and Pounce ans Tumble follow Mulder. MULDER: (knocks the kittens down the stairs and pushes Han out of his way--he runs into the machinery room and closes the door, behind him) HAN: (jumps up) Get up and follow me! POUNCE & TUMBLE: (jump up from the floor) --They enter the machinery room, looking for Mulder then they split up-- POUNCE: (finds Mulder's clothes on the floor) I think he's naked. TUMBLE: Humans....who can explain them? --This is when Mulder knocks the both of them out-- HAN: (turns to look, pulls his blaster and fores at Mulder, who is now in his "Phantom" suit) MULDER: (ducks out of the way) HAN: (runs from the room, slams and locks the door) MULDER: (looks at it) Now what? MURDOC: Elevator shaft. You're in the machine room, dummy. MULDER: (sarcastically) Right. You've got to be kidding. SVEN: If you would read the script.... AUTHOR: Mulder climbs into the elevator shaft. Now back to Byers. BYERS: (puts the pen down) Well, I'll be.... YVES: What? FROHIKE: A monkey's uncle. BYERS: (glares) AUTHOR: We'll leave the monkeys out of this. CHRIS: What's wrong with monkeys? MULDER: They give you Motaba? SVEN: Only Betsy. AUTHOR: I don't know. Ask Langly about a chimp when we see him again. JIMMY: (laughing) That was funny. CHRIS: Another juicy one. Is this as bad as "Mooo"? FROHIKE: Oh yeah. JOHN: Back to the spoof. BYERS: The Devil's Vortex. We are going to the Devil's Vortex. YVES: Are you sure? Check again. Maybe you're mistaken. BYERS: No no no. No mistake. SKIMBLE: Isn't that where all those ships keep disappearing? BYERS: Yes. Incredible, isn't it? There must be an island there. An uncharted island. SKIMBLE: Maybe Cori was right about all that stuff. BYERS: Nonsense. Come on, Skimble. Where's your spirit of adventure? AUTHOR: In the hallway, Mulder is watching through a vent in the elevator shaft. FROHIKE: Byers, I made all of the arangments. You're getting a full police escourt. BYERS: Have you heard the news? We're going to the Devils Vortex. FROHIKE: Well good. Send me a postcard. BYERS: No problem. HAN: (runs up) The Phantom's in the building. BYERS: What? HAN: I saw him! BYERS: Frohike, alert your officers. Tell them there's a madman in the building. He's armed and extremely dangerous. Shoot to kill. FROHIKE: Well, I think that's a little rash considering it's Mulder, but I'll take care of it. SKIMBLE: What about the girl? BYERS: Bring her. She's our Phantom insurance. --They board the elevator-- MULDER: You do know I can't slide down this cable, don't you? JOHN: Kit did it. MULDER: I'm not Kit. KIT: You don't say. AUTHOR: Okay, skip it. You get out on one of the floors, and the others get into the car out front, with Penny. Mulder runs out and freaks out several ladies. Hero, get to your place! MULDER: (jumps into the taxi-cab) WAGNER: You can't have my stones zhey're all mine! MULDER: Follow that car! WAGNER: (playing dumb) I don't know you. MULDER: I'm a friend of Fox Mulder! WANGER: Uh huh. Tell me anozah vone! JOHN: The police come up to the cab and Mulder gets out, runs and jumps onto Hero. The two of them take off, and Yakko and Wakko come after them on speeder bikes. SVEN: Speeder bikes? AUTHOR: They insisted. Anyway, Mulder jumps off, going over a fence. YAKKO: What's back there? WAKKO: The zoo. Nice spot, huh? YAKKO: He belongs there. JOHN: So they come in to check. WAKKO: (jumps off the bike) This is where he would have entered. --They both step up to the bars and a tiger leaps up at them, growling.-- YAKKO: Ehhh, I don't see him, do you? WAKKO: (backing away) No. Let's look somewhere else. MULDER: (comes in from behind the tiger) Thanks, Krissy. KRISSY: (shifts back to human) Don't get used to it. MULDER: (climbs out of the cage) YAKKO: There he is! Stop him! WAKKO: (causes an anvil to drop out of the sky) --It misses Mulder by two inches-- MULDER: Hey! AUTHOR: No anvils! Go stand in the corner with Gaerity! YAKKO & WAKKO: (sulking, stand in the corners) WAGNER: (pulls the cab up) Get in! MULDER: (jumps in the cab) JOHN: Meanwhile, back to Byers. PENNY: (is looking out the back window) BYERS: Forget him. He's not coming. YVES: (turns around) He's probably dead. PENNY: What is wrong with you? Why are you so mean? Don't you care about anything? YVES: Like what? PENNY: (rudlely) YOU figure it out. BYERS: If you kids don't shut up, we'll turn this car around and go right back home. Step on it, Han. HAN: (snickering) You got it, boss. FROHIKE & JIMMY: (laughing) YVES: Yes, MOTHER. PENNY: Are we there yet? BYERS: Shut up. SVEN: Byers seems to have cracked. AUTHOR: Took him long enough. Back to Mulder and Pharaoh.....and Magneto. WAGNER: I have to drive Magneto, too?! JOHN: Not for very long. WAGNER: (glares) Byers is headed for zhe docks. I picked it up reading the script. Sought you'd vant to know. MULDER: Thanks. Step on it, would you? COLOSSUSUS: Lots of people gots to step on stuff. WAGNER: Just as long as I'm not stepping IN somesing. MAGNETO: (appears in the car) It's the bottom of the ninth and you're two skulls behind. WAGNER: Is he paying too? JOHN: You're not supposed to know he's there. He's a ghost. WAGNER: I don't care vhat he is! Paying customers only! Get out! AUTHOR: Follow the script, or we'll take the stones back. WAGNER: (glares, but drives on) MULDER: Dad, a man named Han has a gunbelt like the one I wear. Is it yours? MAGNETO: No. It's the real Kit's father's. The real Quill stabbed him in the back. With me, it wouldn't have worked. MULDER: Maybe I can get that belt back for you. MAGNETO: If you haven't lost them already. MULDER: Don't worry. I'll catch up with them. I have to....There's a woman involved. MAGNETO: Well, it's about time. (shakes Mulder's hand) MURDOC: Kit was afraid of commitment, too. KIT: I was not! I just wanted the right girl. CHRIS: Excuses, excuses. MAGNETO: Can you tell him to step on it? SNAGGLETOOTH: He already did. MULDER: Can you go any faster? WAGNER: Are you talking to me now? MULDER: Yeah, can you step on it? WAGNER: Okay. (shrugs) Hold on to your hat....or vhatevah. (bamfs the car to the docks) MULDER: Now THAT was fast. MAGNETO: (has vanished from the car) --At the dock, the plane is getting ready to take off-- MULDER: Looks like I've got a plane to catch. WAGNER: Give my best to Agent Mulder! MULDER: (gives him a salute, before he dives into the water) WAGNER: (watches Mulder climb abaord the pontoon) Zhis is a vierd city. SPIKE: No joke. Look at the cab drivers. WAGNER: (squirts him with a water gun) Shut up. AUTHOR: And the plane take off, with Mulder flying "Economy-Class". MACGYVER: (makes a face) I know how THAT feels. MURDOC: I bet you do. You did it with DALTON flying. XANDER: Please don't remind me of that one. That sucked. JOHN: Meanwhile, on the plane.... HAN: (in the backseat, is eating and drinking and he belches) PENNY: That's gross. HAN: What? AUTHOR: Next morning! Sorry about the smoke rings thing, but I didn't want any smoking here. I'm allergic. SPIKE: That explains a lot. I wondered why that Jawa put out my cigarette backstage. --Yves is flying the plane..-- BYERS: Are we there yet? YVES: Very funny. What's that? BYERS: What? YVES: 11:00. BYERS: (checks his watch) What happens at 11:00? AUTHOR: We get a new villian. Read the SCRIPT! BYERS: (sighs and checks the script) That's it! The uncharted island! --They fly toward the island, lurching the plane, and causing Mulder to nearly fall off the pontoon-- MULDER: OW!! I think my shoulder just dislocated! Give it a rest, Yves! JOHN: She can't hear you and she's not supposed to know you're there. MULDER: Well, someone could have warned me. AUTHOR: This is a script! READ IT!!! Hello. --They fly up to a small island with a volcano. As the plane slows down, Mulder jumps off. The others get out of the plane and into a boat. The boat is rowed into a large cave. Inside the cave, they find a small docking area-- BYERS: We're so close now. History is about to be made, and you're all a part of it! Not an equal part, but an important part none-the-less. PENNY: Thanks......I think. JOHN: At the dock, Byers and his crew get out of the boat, and mulder sneaks around behind some stone columns. --This is when they are attacked by Macavity's henchrats in "rat-human" form-- YVES: (jumps away) Eww, that is disgusting. PENNY: Can I get back into the boat? ALL: No. --The henchrats take the weapons from Han and Skimble--Another rat steps up to Penny-- RAT 1: This one is mine. PENNY: In your dreams, rodent. RAT 1: (tries to grab Penny, but is kicked beteen the legs by Yves) --The henchrats pull their weapons, but Han steps forward-- HAN: Stop my brothers! Stay calm! RAT 2: Why do you call us brothers? HAN: (rolls his sleeve up to reveal the rat tatoo) We too, are members of the Macavity Brotherhood. BYERS: Good save. RAT 3: (nods) Come with us. --They walk into the main room, where Macavity sits on a throne. There is treasure all around him, and the fools gold skull sits in the middle of it. Yves and Penny stay close together and Mulder follows from above. Around the main room, there is a moat. A funny creature with one eye swims around in it-- HAN: (looks at it) Where did you get that? AUTHOR: Trash compactor. (grins) Just for you Star Wars freaks. BYERS: Lovely. MACAVITY: (stands up) Now let me see...when was the last time we had visitors here, deep in the bowels of this uncharted volcanic island? (thinks about it) Never! Congradulations! You pathetic, doomed fools are the first! Who are these people? BYERS: My name is John Byers. MACAVITY: What? BYERS: Byers. I'm an investigative reporter for "The Lone Gunman." And you sir, as long as we're making polite conversation and chit-chat....who might you be? RAT 7: He is the great Macavity. leader of the Macavity Brotherhood. MACAVITY: Direct descendent of the evil Macavity. The first leader of the Macavity Brotherhood. You are a long way from New York City. What brings you to this place? BYERS: (steps over to Skimble, and removes the other skulls from the bag) These brought me here. The Skulls of Med-jai. MACAVITY: What do you know of such matters? BYERS: Not a lot. We skipped that. But I know I need all three. So what do you say we make a deal? You represent the old way of pirates, all bloodthirsty and such, while I represent the new order. Modern and up to date. Just the person to take our cause to the twenty-first century. MACAVITY: (pulls his sword) SILENCE! You have no bargaining power with me Mr. Lone Gunman! I could kill you and feed your pretty pink ass to the dianaga! LUKE: That's a threat. SCOTT: Sounded like one. JIMMY: (looks at Frohike) Pretty pink ass? Byers? FROHIKE: (shrugs) Let's not go there. MACAVITY: Besides, you don't have the fourth skull. BYERS: Fourth skull? What are you talking about? That wasn't in my script. MACAVITY: (holds up his own script) It says right here. "The fourth skull controls the other three. Without it, you've wasted your time....and your pitiful New York lives. (motions to the rats) --The rats pull their weapons-- BYERS: Wait a minute! Wait just a minute! If anything happens to us, others will come looking! They know where we are. You'll have an entire army down your throats. Now, do you really want that to happen? SKIMBLE: (pulls a gun from his boot) Wait a minute! That's BULL! Nobody knows where we are! BYERS: What are you doing? SKIMBLE: Shut up. Forget Spirit of adventure. It's every cat for himself. Okay, Macavity, you let me out of here, or you swim with the fish. SPIKE: Another threat. ASH: Is he really gonna shoot him? JESSIE: I doubt it. MACAVITY: (says something to a henchrat) SKIMBLE: And what does that mean? MACAVITY: Ancient pirate talk for..."Fire the cannon." RAT 5: (shoots Skimble in the chest with a cannon ball) --Skimble goes flying and lands in the water-- RUFIO: (shouting) CANNONBALL!!!! MEOWTH: Ooo, dat had to hoit. PIKACHU: Pika. PSYDUCK: Psy-yi-yi. --As Mulder moves to get into a better attack position, Han steps forward-- HAN: Great Macavity! I am Han, a loyal follower! Look! I once killed the Phantom! (points to the gunbelt) MACAVITY: Join the club. Many of us have killed him through the years. He keeps coming back. SVEN: Nothing outlasts the Energizer...it keeps going and going and going..... CHRIS: (snickers) MURDOC: The mummies ran on em, but I stopped them with a flamethrower. KIT: (stares at him) RICK: I didn't know mummies ran on batteries. JOHNATHAN: I don't think they do. EVELYN: I don't want to know. JOHN: Don't ask. (glares at Don't Ask before he can speak) Don't even think about it. Continue with the spoof! BYERS: (steps forward) Hey! I can see this Phantom thing really strikes a nerve! YVES: (looks up and sees Mulder walk across a beam above) MULDER: (makes a shushing motion) BYERS: You're gonna love this! SHE'S his girlfriend! (points at Penny) MACAVITY: Bring her here! JOHNATHAN: She is NOT! I saw her FIRST! MURDOC: You did not. I did. MACGYVER: No. I did. She's my only sister. BACK OFF! MURDOC: She is not, either. You just pretend she is. AUTHOR: Could you guys stop fighting over Penny and let us do the spoof? We might just finish it soon! --The henchrats bring Penny up to Macavity-- BYERS: Think of all the oppertunities this presents, Macavity! Ransom...bait....revenge! MACAVITY: (looks her over) She's pretty for a human. AUTHOR: Forget the personal pleasure line. I try to avoid the perverted things. PENNY: GROSS!!! He's a CAT!!! AUTHOR: My point exactly. BYERS: So what do you say? The girl for the skull and I'm out of your hair? MULDER: (from the top of an old ship) Macavity! MACAVITY: (looks up) Phantom! MULDER: (swings down on a rope, kicks the rat holding Penny and hands Penny the rope) PENNY: (takes it and swings to safety, kicking several rats on the way) JOHN: Prepare for the fight scene! MULDER: (starts shooting rats) YVES: (punches the rat next to her and grabs its sword) PENNY: (does the same) MURDOC: Did I just see that? MACGYVER: I don't know about you, but I saw it. PETE: Unbelievable. The spoofauthors give me sight and I see that. A miracle. MURDOC: That is so hot. CHRIS: I'm telling Mom. MURDOC: Your mother's hotter, now shut up. JOHN: And Mulder is still shooting. Don't these guns run out? AUTHOR: Funny you should ask. They just did. Anyway, one rat grabs the skull and comes behind Mulder with a sword. Mulder kicks his butt and gets the skull. JOHN: On the ground level, Yves is doing some impressive flips as she beats up more rats. FROHIKE: Very hot. JIMMY: I didn't even know she could do that. BYERS: Impressive. AUTHOR: Shut up and take a cold shower. PENNY: (clobbers a rat with her elbow and smiles) This is fun. BYERS: (Looks around) I'm out of here. (grabs the bag with the two skulls in it) HAN: (kills two rats and follows Byers) Right behind you, boss. Let the pruple freak fight his own battles. JOHN: Meanwhile, Macavity goes to Mulder with his sword out. MACAVITY: (muttering) "Walking Ghostliness"...I'll cut you off at your knees! (takes a swipe with his sword) MULDER: (jumps over it and continues blocking the blows with the skull) AUTHOR: You break that, you bought it, PAL! MULDER: (flips himself backwards over the cannon) Yes Ma'am! MACAVITY: (takes another swipe, causing Mulder to lose his footing and drop the skull) --Another rat comes in to join the fight-- MACAVITY: (leaps down and stabs him) MY FIGHT! MULDER: Has anyone suggested Anger management to you? You could really use it! MUNGO: Tell us abou' i'! 'E's insane! JOHN: They continue fighting on the ground level until Mulder loses his sword, and Macavity backs him toward the moat, where the dianaga waits! MULDER: (glances down, nervously) MACAVITY: (smiles at him) You're not imortal. I know your secrets, Phantom. (lunges forward) MULDER: (jumps up and grabs a rope) MACAVITY: (falls into the moat where the dianaga grabs him) MULDER: Take them to your grave, Mavavity. AUTHOR: Someone get Macavity out and now the henchrats surround Mulder, who pull his guns out. JOHN: And of course, they're empty. FROHIKE: Murphy's law. SVEN: Murphy always was a pain in the butt. CHRIS: Oh yeah. PENNY: Yves! YVES: (looks up) PENNY: (tosses her a sword) Cut the rope! YVES: (cuts the rope and a net drops onto all the henchrats) MULDER: Thanks! --The three of them get out of the main room, locking the gate behind them-- They pass by the dock, where the boat sits, docked, and they find a room full of large weapons-- YVES: Why can't we just take the boat back to the plane? Nobody's here to stop us. MULDER: Because we still need to destroy the skulls. Now why don't we just follow the script and you ladies get into the nice torpedo, while I shoot you to the surface? YVES: Those are live warheads. If we hit anything, we're fish food! SVEN: Then we'll catch the fish that eats you and bring you back. Quit worrying. YVES: Very funny. MULDER: You won't hit anything. I'll make sure the path is clear. PENNY: What about you? MULDER: I'll be right behind you. PENNY: Where have I heard that before? MALCOM: Horror movies....right before the guy dies. YVES: Oh THAT is reasuring. Shut up. JOHN: Okay, he closes the ladies inside the torpedo and prepares to launch it. --Mulder checks the path of the torpedo and aims it to open sea. Just as he's about to launch it, Han comes up behind him and as he turns, Han punches him in the jaw--Mulder drops the skull. Behind them, Byers sneaks up and grabs it-- AUTHOR: Now, while Byers gets the skull, Han and Mulder are dukng it out. HAN: I already killed you! (comes at him with a knife) MULDER: (knocks the knife away) No, you killed my father! MISTO: (as Inigo Montoya) Prepare to die. SVEN: That's getting old, Misto. MISTO: Yeah, but the guy usually dies. JOHN: Yeah, but we can't vaporize Han. The meds can't bring him back. HAN: Hey, nobody said anything about being vaporized. KIT: It won't work, anyway. Those aren't the real skulls. LUKE: Uh-huh, and the Book of the Dead was a magazine called "Assassinations Weekly", but it still brought mummies to life. What's your point? KIT: (nods and shrugs) Okay, I guess, under those circumsstances, it might work. JOHN: Anyway, shall we get back to the spoof? AUTHOR: Where were we? JOHN: Them two are duking it out while Byers is putting the skulls together. AUTHOR: Okay, boys. Fight. HAN: And get vaporized? Forget it! You're crazy! I quit! I'm gonna go sit with Luke and Leia. (gives Mulder the belt) BYERS: He can't do that, can he? JOHN: Well, yeah he can. He's close enough to dying anyway. AUTHOR: Yeah, okay. Go ahead and sit. --Byers put the skulls together and causes a laserbeam effect to happen. The beam tears through a wall-- SVEN: Wow....extra strength. AUTHOR: We made it like a lightsaber, so I suggest you don't get in front of it. HAN: (to Kit) See? I told you so. KIT: Interesting. JOHN: During the fight, the torpedo was supposed to have been launched. Anyway, there's also explosions going on because now the volcano's errupting. MULDER: Oh thanks....more presure. Just what I need. BYERS: These skulls are more powerful than I could have dreamed. Who needs a fourth skull? MULDER: (watching the chain attached to the torpedo) I do.....and I know where it is. BYERS: That's a lie. MULDER: I've worn it through this spoof....for protection. Until now, I never really knew what it meant. BYERS: What a cheap jungle trick! (aims the skulls at Mulder) Those rings came from a Cracker Jacks box! MULDER: Yeah, so did the one in Spaceballs! I hope this works, or I'm taost. (holds the ring up) --The ring catches the beam with its own and the two beams seem to push against each other--Just as the flames appear, Byers vanidhes and reappears next to Frohike and Jimmy in the Peanut Gallery-- BYERS: (sighs relieved and slides down the chair) MULDER: (jumps into the water and catches the chain as it moves away) BYERS: (to Frohike and Jimmy) I was never happier to see the two of you. I thought I was extra crispy there. AUTHOR: We wouldn't do that. You really DO think we're evil, don't you? (pouting) --The volcano errupts, fortunately, all the cats and rats were bamfed out-- The torpedo stops in the ocean well out of reach of the volcano. Mulder climbs on top of it and opens the hatch-- PENNY: Whew. Took you long enough. There wasn't much air in there. YVES: There would have been more if you hadn't have been screaming, "We're going to die." the whole way. MURDOC: Now THAT'S the Penny we know! MACGYVER: Knew she was in there, somewhere. PENNY: That's not funny. JOHN: Okay, we go to the scene in the jungle. AUTHOR: We're almost done folks! ALL: (wild cheering) BENGALLA JUNGLE ******************** MULDER: It all began 400 years ago when a small boy saw his father savagly murdered by pirates of the Sengh Brotherhood, and swore to defend against greed and piracy in all its forms. Kit, over there, is his descendent. --He shows Penny into a room where there are gravestones mounted into the walls, for each Phantom-- MULDER: The mantel of the Phantom was handed down from father to son. Obviously, I'm not immortal and niether is Kit. He was born in this cave and educated in America. When his father died, he took his place. PENNY: And one day, his own son will take his place. --A figure appears in the corner-- FIGURE: He will if the boy ever gets married, anyway. KIT: Dad! That isn't funny! SVEN: I think it is. MAGNETO: (steps up to Kit's father) Nice to meet you. KIT'S FATHER: Wonderful job. I was watching. I love that horse, though, and the wolf. Interesting creatures. FIDDLES: He loves me, he loves me! Nah nah nah!!!! HARLEY: *I am a good character!* (grins proudly) RUFIO: (steps in) Planes ready, your Walking Ghostliness! Time for the chick to leave! MULDER: Very funny. KIT'S FATHER: And you, son, you did a wonderful job. (pats Mulder on the back) MULDER: (looks at Kit with a cheesy grin) KIT: (sighs and shakes his head) AUTHOR: Out on the beach, Mulder and Penny jump off Fiddles. Yves waves from the plane. PENNY: Before I go....take off your mask and shoe me your face....Fox. MULDER: (mockingly) How'd you know? PENNY: The script. In the cast, it says, "Kit Walker/Phantom and Fox Mulder." Who doesn't know? MULDER: (removes the mask) Cute, very cute. SCULLY: You look great in tights, though. MULDER: (grins and opens his arms) --Scully steps up and they are soon kissing-- ALL: (cheering) JOHNATHAN: (approaches Penny) PENNY: (grins) --Then the two of THEM are kissing as well-- MALCOM: I gotta admit. That's the strangest ending to "The Phantom" I ever saw. GRANT: No kidding. GAERITY: Can we get out now? JOHN: Yeah, I guess. We're done! Might as well end it! ALL: (applauding) THE END ******** AFTER THE SPOOF ********************* CASSI: Okay, we have Oscars for The Phantom! Except Imhotep and Ardeth, who already have them. JOHN: The first one is Fox Mulder, of course! If you can pry him away from his partner! MULDER: (accepts his award) YES! Another one! CASSI: John Byers! Beautiful job as the bad guy! BYERS: (grinning, takes a bow) Thankyou! JOHN: Penny Parker! PENNY: I won an Oscar! (screams in glee) JOHNATHAN: Congradulations, Darling! (kisses her) AUTHOR: Yves Adele Harlow! YVES: YES! (snatches her award and holds it up, triumphantly) JIMMY: (hugs her) Nice work, Yves! JOHN: Han Solo! HAN: (jumps up, kisses Liea and snatches his award) Thankyou! (bows) CASSI: Last but not least....Macavity! MACAVITY: I won an Oscar, and I didn't DIE!!! YESSS!!!!!!! FIDDLES: Nof'air!!! I was good TOO!!! JOHN: Kidding! HARLEY: *I'm going to bite your butt.* JOHN: Fiddles, Harley, and Rufio! You boys get Oscars too! RUFIO: (grinning) Baby, did you see it? (grabs his award and hugs Cassie Wolfgirl who has reentered) WOLFGIRL: (grins and hugs him and Harley) PETER: (reenters from medlab) Okay, who killed me? GAERITY: I did. PETER: Right. Never mind. I don't want to be blown up later on. No hard feelings. (shakes Gaerity's hand) GAERITY: (smiles) CASSI: That's all for this spoof, but now we have to finish Cutthroat! ANS we see if Langly and Nikki survived or not! Change costumes everyone! ARDETH: YEEEESSSS!!! Back to the PIRATES!!! I LOVE THE PIRATES!!!! (he is already wearing his pirate suit) SVEN: Boy, he just can't wait, can he? RICK: You've done something to him. JOHN: You know we keep saying this causes brain damage. CASSI: He did it to himself, I tell you! REALLY!!! Goodbye everyone! Be back for Cutthroat--The CONCLUSION!!! THE VERY REAL END ********************