"ROBIN HOOD: SPIKE (AND A LOT OF OTHER GUYS) IN TIGHTS" BY CASSI (evilspoofauthor2) Parody of "Robin Hood: Men in Tights", by Mel Brooks. DISCLAIMER: Characters from: the movies: "Robin Hood, Men in Tights", "Labyrinth", "Hook", "X-Men", The "Star Wars" trilogy, The series': "X-Files", "The Lone Gunmen", "Buffy: the Vampire Slayer", "Angel", "MacGyver", "Animaniacs", the Musical: "Cats", "X-Babies" comics, and the story "Danger Zone", by Cassi. With the exception of "Danger Zone", these characters do not belong to me. Any deaths are temporary, and no lasting harm will be done to them (brain damage doesn't count). REFERENCES TO: "Spaceballs, the Spoof" by Sven (unfinished and will remain unposted). "Dot: the Vampire Slayer", by Cassi, "The Vampire Mummy", by Cassi, The "Star Wars" spoofs, by Sven, "The Three Musketeers" spoof, by Cassi, future spoofs, by Cassi, and "Spaceballs", the movie. CHARACTERS BY CASSI: Christian "Chris" Mason of "Danger Zone" and Bob, the Bobcat. ***warning!!! Reading, directing, or acting in spoofs can cause insanity**use caution when reading*** CAST FOR "ROBIN HOOD: SPIKE (AND A LOT OF OTHER GUYS) IN TIGHTS" ROBIN OF LOXLEY.................................................Spike (Buffy Series) PRINCE JOHN...........................................................Rupert Giles (Buffy series) SHERIFF OF ROTTINGHAM.................................Angel (Angel Series) MAID MARIAN.......................................................Sarah Williams (Labyrinth) AHCHOO...................................................................Billy Colton (MacGyver) LITTLE JOHN............................................................Luke Skywalker (Star Wars) WILL SCARLET O'HARA.......................................Mungojerrie (CAT) BLINKIN.....................................................................Oz (Buffy Series) LATRINE....................................................................Willow Rosenberg (Buffy Series) RABBI TUCKMAN..................................................Jack Dalton (MacGyver) ASNEEZE...................................................................Jesse Colton (MacGyver) BROOMHILDA.........................................................Jennyanydots (CAT) KING RICHARD........................................................Charles Xavier (X-Men) --cameo-- DON GIOVANI..........................................................Bustopher Jones (CAT)--cameo-- THE ABBOT..............................................................Pete Thornton (MacGyver) THE HANGMAN......................................................Wakko Warner (Animaniacs) FILTHY LUCA...........................................................Yakko Warner (Animaniacs) DIRTY EZIO...............................................................Murdoc (MacGyver) TAX ASSESSOR.......................................................Macavity (CAT) DUNGEON MAITRE'D.............................................Peter Banning (Hook) HEAD GUARD...........................................................Macavity ASSISTANT GUARD...............................................Munkustrap (CAT) ROYAL ANNOUNCER.............................................Peter Banning YOUNG BOY...............................................................Cyke (X-Baby) MIME...........................................................................Animaniacs Mime PEANUT VENDOR.....................................................Jesse Colton (MacGyver) THE RAPPERS 1-5 **************** Frank Colton (MacGyver), Jesse Colton, Billy Colton, Ahchoo, and Rufio (HOOK) THE VILLIAGERS (Cats unless otherwise named) ************************************** Pouncival, Tumblebrutis, Plato, Coricopat, Mr Mistoffelees, Munkustrap, Wolvie (X-Baby), Magneato (X-Baby), Admetus, Rum Rum Tugger, and Cyke (X-Baby) PEANUT GALLERY ********************* Will Scarlet O'Hara, Rumpelteazer (CAT), Buffy Summers (Buffy Series), Penny Parker (MacGyver), Xander Harris (Buffy), Dot Warner (Animaniacs), the rest of the X-Babies, Angus MacGyver (MacGyver), Jareth (Labyrinth), Jack Banning (Hook), Han Solo (Star Wars), Princess Liea (Star Wars), Nikki Carpenter (MacGyver), Dawn Summers (Buffy), Drusilla (Buffy), Fox Mulder (X-Files), Dana Scully (X-Files), Richard "Ringo" Langly, John F. Byers, and Melvin Frohike. (the Lone Gunmen) ALSO FEATURING ***************** Sven (Author's sister), Chris Mason (Danger Zone), The Jawa "Dink-dinks", Kurt "Nightcrawler" Wagner, and Sir Didymus as 12th Century Fox. CAMEOS BY: Jubilation Lee (X-Men), and Gambit (X-Men) CAMERA CAT: Bob, the bobcat. ASSISTANT TO THE AUTHOR: Prince John (Robin Hood MIT) BEFORE THE SPOOF ******************* --Author walks in alone to face the cast--The cast sheet has not yet been handed out, nor has the script. The characters do not know what spoof they are doing-- SPIKE: Where's the sister? AUTHOR: Before the cast sheet is handed out, we have some announcements! CAST: (look at each other and shrug) AUTHOR: First of all, "Return of the Spoof" and "Spaceballs" have been put on hiatus until further notice. BUFFY: YES!!! I don't have to be in bed with Spike and Harmony! MURDOC: (elbows her) Quiet. AUTHOR: Jareth, please return the droids to their human forms. JARETH: (changes Jubilee, Gambit, and Willow back to normal) ***Willow was turned into a droid for "Spaceballs the Spoof", unfortunately, it was never finished, and will not be posted--Sorry for the inconvenience*** JUBILEE: YEEEESSSS!!!! I'M BAAAACK!!! I can talk without BEEPING!!! GAMBIT: You can say dat again! Can we go now? AUTHOR: Yes, thankyou very much! Gambit and Jubes can go, Willow, report to make-up! WILLOW: (shrugs and walks off) GAMBIT AND JUBILEE: (exit) ANGEL: What exactly are we doing? AUTHOR: Patience, I'm not finished yet. Sven will not be joining us for a while. She has issues to deal with. MUNGO: Wha' koind of issues? AUTHOR: Personal. We are haing six new additions to the Peanut Gallery! Ladies and gentlemen, please come in! People, this is Fox Mulder, Dana Scully, Dawn Summers, and the Lone Gunmen, John Byers, Melvin Frohike, and Richard Langly. BUFFY: You invited Dawn here? AUTHOR: We decided that since "Return of the Spoof" was cut off for a while, we should make up for it. by letting her in on mine. MULDER: Is that why you invited us? AUTHOR: Nah, I just needed comic relief, and the Gunmen wouldn't come without you. MACGYVER: So, what is this spoof anyway? AUTHOR: (smiles) Would my assistant please pass out the cast sheets and the scripts? Everyone, this is Prince John! He'll be joining us from now on. JOHN: (takes a bow and passes out the papers) BUFFY: (starts laughing) SPIKE: You have got to be BLOODY KIDDING ME!!!! AUTHOR: (innocently) About what? SPIKE: I am NOT wearing tights. ANGEL: Spike? In tights? Be afraid. AUTHOR: Actually, all the men are wearing tights, even the ones in the Peanut Gallery, with the exception of Bustopher Jones. LANGLY: Wait a minute, nobody said I had to wear tights! MACGYVER: Do we have to? AUTHOR: Yes, and then you'll all do the "Men in Tights" dance at the end! THE GUYS: (look at the Author like she's insane) JARETH: What's the big deal about tights? DOT: I don' know. My brothers wore them, doing the Three Musketeers, and they didn't complain. SPIKE: They're insane. AUTHOR: You agreed to "Spaceballs". SPIKE: I was the President and the Everlasting Know-it-all. Now I have to wear tights. There is a difference. ANGEL: We're spoofing another spoof? YAKKO: Why not? PENNY: I don't see why I couldn't be Maid Marian. AUTHOR: Sarah hasn't had a part yet. Besides, Spike wouldn't want you. PENNY: What? Why? SPIKE: I have enough problems with Harmony, luv. I don't need you, too. MURDOC: No kidding......Blondie Bear. SPIKE: (glares) AUTHOR: We'll do you a favor, Spikey. Do your part, and don't complain, and we won't have Harmony come and WATCH you wear tights! Now go change! SPIKE: (stalks off) ANGEL: I am NOT playing the Sheriff! It's degrading. JOHN: And your point is? ANGEL: Nobody asked you. AUTHOR: The Prince is my assistant, and has every right to rag on you....right, P.J.? JOHN: (cheesy grin) Right, Cas. ANGEL: And since when did you have an assistant? AUTHOR: Since I decided that the Prince, here, was really cool and I wanted him to sit with me! JOHN: I get my own director's chair. (grins wider) ANGEL: (walks off, shaking his head) GILES: And I am playing HIM!? AUTHOR: (eating popcorn) Uh-huh. GILES: Right then. (walks off) AUTHOR: (swallows) Okay everyone, COSTUMES!!! twenty minutes later........... THE SPOOF **************************** AUTHOR: ACTION!! --Ahchoo, Jesse, Frank, Billy, and Rufio enter in "Robin Hood" costumes-- BUFFY: This should be good. Where's Spike? AUTHOR: Spike isn't in tights, yet. He has a prison scene first. Okay, boys, sing! We're skipping the credits. Who's doing lead? JESSE: Frank is. MACGYVER: Frank raps? AUTHOR: (shrugs) Go for it. --The rappers take their places-- FRANK: Yo, yo, yo, check it out. Prince John and the Author was runnin the show. Torturing characters just 'cause they got bored! Their reign of terror, it just wouldn't end. They were torturing us all into spoofing a spoof. I said HEY! RAPPERS: Hey! FRANK: I said HEY! RAPPERS: HEY! FRANK: I said-- RAPPERS: Hey nanni nanni and a ho ho ho! FRANK: They forced innocent men to dress up in tights, and at the head of us all, the vampire, Spike! I said HEY! RAPPERS: HEY! FRANK: I said -- RAPPERS: Hey nanni nanni, hey nanni nanni! Hey nanni nanni and a ho ho ho! ALL: Check it out! JERUSELEM PRISON *********************** JOHN: Spike is taken to prison. AUTHOR: That's what he gets for killing jews. I know what that crusade was. SPIKE: You're Jewish, now? AUTHOR: (holds up her star) Pentecostal Jew. SPIKE: Figures. AUTHOR: ACTION! SPIKE: (is dragged into prison by two guards) PETER: (wearing a bow-tie) Hello, hello! Welcome to....Le Dungeon! (approaches Spike) I'm Peter, Maitre'D of the Dungeon. Please allow me to show you to your cell. SPIKE: (hits his head on a low doorway) PETER: Duck. SPIKE: (flatly) Thanks, mate. PETER: I'm sorry, but we cannot seat you without the proper attire. (motions to the other prisoners) Guard! MUNKU: (sticks a long black beard to Spike's face) DAWN: Different. DOT: Cute. BUFFY: It doesn't go. PETER: Much better, and now, I leave you with Macavity, our head guard. MACAVITY: (growls) PETER: And if you need anything, please don't hesitate to scream. --Someone screams-- PETER: Coming! We're so busy! (exits) HOOK: Well, that didn't make sense. MACAVITY: Follow me. (leads him over to a bench) Please sit. SPIKE: (is forced down) MACAVITY: Spike of Loxley, where is your King? SPIKE: Which King might that be? King Richard, King Louis....King Kong? DAWN: He knows where King Kong is? AUTHOR: Possibly. He IS Spike. SPIKE: Larry King? MACAVITY: You English pollicle! You shall talk! SPIKE: Arf? DOT: Cute. MACAVITY: Munku, the tongue looseners. SPIKE: The WHAT!? LEIA: Take it like a man. MACAVITY: (nearly yanks Spike's tongue out with a pair of tongs) XANDER: Oh ow...(grabs his mouth) SPIKE: (is escorted over to another bench and chained up with Jesse Colton) JESSE: You pretty brave for a dead guy. I've been in here a while. Do you have any questions? SPIKE: What are you in for? JESSE: I'm a bounty hunter. XANDER: Like ME! GILES: Wrong spoof. This isn't Star Wars. SPIKE: How do we get out of here? JESSE: Didn't you read the script? We kick the bar away from the wall, and we're free. SPIKE: (shrugs) Okay. (puts his feet on the bar) JESSE: (does the same thing) AUTHOR: And they escape and free the others, and I never really thought that scene had much of a point. So, on the beach, Jesse asks Spike to look after his brother, Billy...aka, Ahchoo. AHCHOO: What? BUFFY: Bless you. AUTHOR: Not funny. Anyway, Spike swims home. SPIKE: From Jerusalem to ENGLAND!? No bloody WAY! Do I look like an Olympic swimmer? DAWN: Honestly? No. ENGLAND ***************** AUTHOR: Spike arrives on the beach in England, which has large letters like Hollywood. SPIKE: I am NOT kissin' the sand. AUTHOR: So don't. SPIKE: A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse. AUTHOR: Okay, break time! Everyone not in costume, GET in costume! --Spike and a few others exit-- +++++A HALF AN HOUR LATER... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ AUTHOR: Dot, load the camera. MURDOC: (already in costume) Got it covered. (holds up a camcorder) ANGEL: You don't seem to mind this. Why? MACGYVER: Go ahead. Tell him.......Sarah. SARAH: What? MACGYVER: Not you, him. MURDOC: (in a woman's voice) Drop dead, loser. ANGEL: I don't wanna know. SCULLY: Can we get a camera over here? MULDER: NO!! BOB: (turns the camera) MULDER: (hides behind Byers and Langly, who look very uncomfortable) --The guys not involved with the main cast are wearing black tights and tunics-- AUTHOR: (whispers to John) If he's like this now, imagine what he'll say about wearing purple tights and a leotard. JOHN: We won't tell him yet. That's still three spoofs away. ANGEL: This is gross and these things itch! BUFFY: Don't worry, Angel. You look great. ANGEL: Yeah? Well, I feel like a retard. SPIKE: (enters in the "Robin Hood" outfit) That's okay, mate. You look like one, too. ANGEL: Speak for yourself. DAWN: Interesting. How long have you been doing this? GILES: (enters in costume) Seems like forever now. BUFFY: (stares openmouthed) XANDER: Giles? AUTHOR: (pulls the crown off Prince John's head and places it on Giles' head) Better. JOHN: Not bad. AUTHOR: Okay, everyone sit down. We're starting again. Spike, you get on a big, dumpy horse with a tag that says, "Rent-a-wreck". BUFFY: Spike can ride a horse? SPIKE: I'm from the eighteen hundreds, luv. How else did one get around? DOT: Here's your sign. AUTHOR: Spike rides the horse, and runs into about six guards beating up on Billy Colton. BILLY: Man, I hope someone's getting a video of this. --The camera stays on Spike-- SPIKE: Ahchoo? AHCHOO: What? GUARDS: Bless you. AUTHOR: Ahchoo, ignore them. They're talking to Billy. Sit back down. AHCHOO: Chillin'. SPIKE: That must be him, but how am I supposed to fight? You takin' care of this sodding chip? AUTHOR: Just fight, we'll be nice. FROHIKE: What chip? BUFFY: How many spoofs do we have to explain this in? JOHN: (stands up in his chair) Tha guy has a bugzapper in his brain. The rest, they'll figure out. (sits back down) AUTHOR: Continue. SPIKE: (to Billy) Watch my back! BILLY: (watches the guard hit Spike) Your back just got punched twice. BUFFY: I like this show. SPIKE: (temporarily throws the guards off) BILLY: Hey, thanks man. SPIKE: You're welcome. BILLY: Who are you anyway? --The guards surround them-- SPIKE: I think now is not the time for introductions. BILLY: Time out! Excuse me, bad guys. I am running out of air. Gotta get pumped. (leans over to mess with his sneakers) Okay, honkies. Time in! LANGLY: Well, that was different. JOHN: You ain't seen nothin' yet. SPIKE: Okay, what's "Praying Mantis"? AUTHOR: Karate wanna-be with exaggerated noise effects. BILLY: Easy! SPIKE: (vamps out) Let's do this. BYERS: Wow. PENNY: I still think it's gross. SPIKE AND BILLY: (make rather loud karate noises and beat up the guards) GILES: Oh good heavens, you'd think it was all in the noise. SCULLY: I think that's the idea. JARETH: I would say so. GUARD 1: Witches! GUARD 2: They're DEMONS! BUFFY: Only one of them. GUARD 3: They're CRAZY! SPIKE: (returns to the horse) Good work. BILLY: Thanks, man. You were good too, especially the thing with the yellow eyes and fangs. GUARD 4: You haven't seen the last of us! SPIKE: (pulls out six arrows and shoots them all at once, pinning the guard to the tree behind him) GUARD 4: You've seen the last of us. MURDOC: At least his aim's better than Macavity's. --All who were present during "Dot: The Vampire Slayer" snicker-- MACAVITY: Very funny. SPIKE: I didn't think so, mate, and I still owe you one for that. JOHN: I saw the video, and I thought it was hysterical. MULDER: You have it on video? AUTHOR: we have them all on video, except the first two., and we'll let you see them later. You'll be acting in future spoofs. MULDER: I will? JOHN: You'll be staring in the next one. MULDER: Cool. MUNGO: Jus' wha' IS the nex' one? AUTHOR: And spoil the surprise? SPIKE: Is it as bad as this one? JOHN: Possibly. Wait and see. AUTHOR: Speaking of 'next spoof", Murdoc, John and I would like to speak with you concerning your next role. ANGEL: I'd be worried if I were you. MURDOC: Can't be worse than strapping me to the wing of a plane that Jack Dalton was flying. **see "The Vampire Mummy"** PETE: I wanna see that. NIKKI: Mac dies in it. JOHN: Excuse me, but we DO need to get on with THIS spoof! AUTHOR: On to Loxley Hall! --Spike and Billy (both on the horse) ride up to the castle-- SPIKE: There she is. Loxley Hall, home of my family for seven generations. MACAVITY: (standing in front of the castle) Okay, boys!!! Let's GO!!! --A horse-drawn carriage starts pulling the castle away-- SCULLY: Horses on steroids? MULDER: Possibly. XANDER: Either that, or Energizers. Mummies ran on Energizers. LANGLY: I don't wanna know. SPIKE: (jumps off the horse) STOP THE CASTLE!! STOP THE CASTLE!!! MACAVITY: (whistles) --The castle stops-- SPIKE: You there, before I drain you dry, I demand to know what is going on. MACAVITY: (hands him a sheet of paper) Read it and weep. SPIKE: (reading) Hear ye, hear ye. For failure to pay back taxes, all the rights, land and castle of the family of Loxley will be taken in lieu payment, signed Prince Giles royal accountant, H.M.R. Blockhead? This is a SHAM!! I vow here and now that I will restore my castle to its rightful place! MACAVITY: Yeah, yeah, you vow, we move! LET'S GO, BOYS!!! --The castle is dragged away, with a sign on the back, saying, "Wide load."-- OZ: (is sitting on a toilet with a copy of "Playboy" --for the blind--) PENNY: Ewww. MULDER: Can i see that after he's done? AUTHOR: No! We're trashing it after this scene. I have issues against it. BILLY: Who's that? SPIKE: It's....is he Oz or Blinkin? AUTHOR: Blinkin. SPIKE: It's Blinkin! Our family's loyal blind servant! (runs up) BLINKIN!!!! OZ: --wearing a pair of designer sunglasses-- (stands up, pulls up his gray tights, and puts a belt on over his tunic) Be right out! SPIKE: Blinkin! OZ: Master Spike, is that you!? BUFFY: He's still a MASTER? WILL: Quie', I'm watchin' this! SPIKE: (answering Oz) Yes. OZ: Back from the Crusades? SPIKE: Yes. OZ: And alive? SPIKE: Well, not exactly, but essentially, yeh. OZ: Oh happy days! (tries to open the non-existent door, runs through the opening, and knocks his head on a statue) I'm quite sure there was a door there. Master Spike!!! (touches the armless statue) AHHH, You lost your arms in battle!!!.....but you grew a nice set of boobs, though. BUFFY: I'm getting a picture in my--EEEEWWWW GROSS!!!! SPIKE: That's disgusting. ALL: (laughing) SPIKE: I'm over here. OZ: Right. SPIKE: Blinkin, they've taken the castle! OZ: I thought it felt a bit drafty. This never would have happened if your father were alive. SPIKE: He's dead? XANDER: You're a hundred and FORTY! I would THINK he'd be dead! SPIKE: (flat look) And my mother? OZ: She died of pneumonia while you were away. SPIKE: And my brothers? OZ: Eaten by the cat. SPIKE: WHAT!!!??? ALL: (incoherent laughter) AUTHOR: Oz, you skipped a few lines. OZ: Sorry. (clears throat) Killed by the plague. SPIKE: My dog, Pogo? MULDER: Eaten by the cat, too? BYERS: What kind of cat was it? BOB: (blelches) BYERS: Never mind. OZ: (answering Spike) Run over by a carriage. SPIKE: This is pathetic. JOHN: Just read. SPIKE: My goldfish, Goldie? ALL: Eaten by the cat!!! DAWN: Cat must be awfully full by now. SPIKE: My cat? OZ: Choked on the goldfish. Oh, Master Spike, ain't it GOOD to be home!? MACGYVER: Now THAT'S dysfunctional. JOHN: Seems to me, he was better off in prison. AUTHOR: Sounds like it. OZ: I'm not hugging him. SPIKE: So give me my key, and we'll call it even. XANDER: Now that was an unpleasant reminder of a hated memory. SVEN: Yeah, but Spike would look pretty weird in a red satin dress. SPIKE: WHAT!? I'm not wearing a DRESS! AUTHOR: Script! Spike, you're not wearing a dress, now act! OZ: Can't I keep it? JOHN: NO! Hand it over! --Oz gives Spike the key in a case on a cord. Spike puts it around his neck-- SPIKE: Okay, let's go. BILLY: (returns from catching the horse) 'Ey wait up! SPIKE: Well done, Ahchoo. BILLY: He was goin' fast, but I caught him. OZ: Who's that? SPIKE: Blinkin, this is Ahchoo. OZ: A Jew? HERE!? SPIKE: No, that's the Author! This is Ahchoo. BILLY: (holds his hand out) Put 'er there. OZ: (brings his hand up and hits Billy in the groin) How are you? BILLY: (in a high stained voice) I've been better. --They are interrupted when Cyke comes running up to them-- CYKE: AAAHHHH!!!! THAVE ME THAVE ME!!!!! BILLY: A deranged little white boy. SPIKE: Oookaaay. What's going on? CYKE: They're after me!!! SPIKE: Who is? --Guards on horses, playing kazoos, ride up with Angel in the lead-- ANGEL: Over that boy hand!!!! SPIKE: Huh? ANGEL: Hand over that boy! SPIKE: Who demands it? ANGEL: The Sheriff of Rottingham! SPIKE: And what has the boy done? ANGEL: He was caught poaching in the King's forest. He deered to kill a King's dare.....dared to kill a King's deer. SPIKE: And this is an offense? ANGEL: One punishable by death, where HAVE you been? SPIKE: Fighting with King Xavier in the Crusades. Unfortunately, my father couldn't get me into the National Guard. BILLY AND OZ: (snickering) ANGEL: How DARE you talk to me in that fashion! Who are you? SPIKE: I am Spike of Loxley! ANGEL: Yes, yes, I've heard of you. They say you're pretty handy with a sword. Let's find out! (pulls his sword, and gets only the handle) HAN: (sitting with Luke and Leia) Snowcone Guy? JOHN: Nope, in the script. This IS Mel Brooks. AUTHOR: Besides, the Snowcone Guy ain't in this. ALL: (breath a sigh of relief) LANGLY: Who's the Snowcone Guy? LUKE: You don't wanna know. DRU: Are the Jawas in this one? AUTHOR: Yes, but later. MULDER: Why would you have JAWAS in this? This isn't Star Wars. AUTHOR: Not normal Jawas. Jawa "Dink-dinks" like on Spaceballs, only Jawas. We keep them in for comic relief. ANGEL: From Star Wars, to the Mummy, to Robin Hood, the fun just does not quit. AUTHOR: Spoof. Continue. Now. SPIKE: (draws his own sword, and slices the strap on Angel's saddle) ANGEL: (is now riding underneath the horse, upside down) I was angry at you before, Spikey, but NOW I'm REALLY pissed off! BILLY: Pissed OFF? If I was that close to a horse's wiener, I'd be more worried about being pissed ON! ALL: (incoherent laughter) ANGEL: You know this was not a smart thing for you to have done, Spike. I'll pay for this! BILLY: Uh-huh. ANGEL: YOU'LL pay for this! Kill them, kill them all! SPIKE: (holds his sword to Angel's throat) ANGEL: That's METAL, dummy! AUTHOR: Angel and his men ride away, and Angel is still under the horse. SPIKE: Mind the big rocks!! BUFFY: Is Angel okay? SPIKE: It matters? BUFFY: (glares) JOHN: Don't worry, Spike has his share of good scenes, too. Back to Cyke. CYKE: Oh, thankyou for thavin' me life, Mithter Vampire, thir. I thall tell all that I thee that there ith one man who'th brave enough to thtand up to Rottingham and hith men. SPIKE: Tell them that, and also tell them that I vow to put an end to the injustice, right the wrongs-- --All that know Spike stare at him as if he's insane-- DRU: (sticks a finger in her mouth and makes gagging noises) SPIKE: End the tyranny, restore the throne...protect the forest, introduce folk-dancing, demand the four- day work week, insist that the Red Cross make blood easier to steal-- CYKE: Yeth, yeth, good good. SPIKE: I was on a roll. CYKE: Well, it'th getting dark, and I got'th to go home alone. MUNGO: I's noon! XANDER: He's trying to ditch Spike. BUFFY: Can you blame him? MURDOC: Oh, shut up! I don't see anything wrong with him! GILES: You're an assassin....and a rather deranged one at that. NIKKI: Ain't that the truth. JOHN: Quiet! SPIKE: (to Cyke) Get lost, Rodent! CYKE: Bye. (runs off, screaming) SPIKE: What an unusual child. WOLVIE: You gots not idea. AUTHOR: End of scene. That was great, boys. Sarah, you're next! SARAH'S CASTLE ************************ SARAH: Do I have to sing? JOHN: That depends. Can you sing? AUTHOR: We're skipping the song, because she's going by Sarah, and not Marian. JARETH: Maid Sarah. How interesting. AUTHOR: Sarah is in the bathtub, combing her hair, and then-- JENNYANYDOTS: I feel like a cow. ALL: (snickering) SPIKE: Mooo. ALL: (laugh harder) AUTHOR: Just say your lines. JENNY: (carrying Sarah's robe) Hurry up, my Lady! You better get out of that tub before that THING begins to RUST! SARAH: Yes, Jenny. (stands up to reveal a large metal chastity belt with a padlock on it) MULDER: Wow, I bet that chafes. JARETH: (makes a face) JENNY: (hands Sarah her robe) Button up, or you'll catch your death of cold. These castles are so drafty. (turns the handle on the fireplace--nothing happens) FROHIKE: Is it broken? MURDOC: Allow me. (aims and fires a flamethrower) --The fireplace lights-- SCULLY: Where did he get that? SPIKE: Probably the back seat of his car. MURDOC: Trunk, actually. JENNY: Toasty warm. --This is when a bluebird lands on the windowsill-- SARAH: Look, Jenny! A happy little bluebird! POUNCE: BOINGY!!!! (bounces in, grabs the bird and eats it) JOHN: So much for the happy little bluebird. PENNY: That's gross. SPIKE: I know. He didn't even offer to share. SARAH: Does this mean I can't make my wish? AUTHOR: Umm.... ANGEL: Might as well let her make the wish anyway. SARAH: (shrugs) I hope against hope. I wish against wish, that the heavens send me a kind and gentle man-- BUFFY: That ain't Spike. SPIKE: How would you know? DRU: My li'le Spoik would never 'ave acted loik tha'. AUTHOR: Shut up, or we'll call Abominable back. BUFFY, SPIKE, AND DRU: (silence) AUTHOR: Sarah? SARAH: (continues)...a kind and gentle man who possesses the key to my....(looks down, and shrugs) heart. XANDER: Interesting. SPIKE: (grins) I have the key. JENNY: At least the bluebird didn't doo-doo on her hand. AUTHOR: Okay, next scene! On to Giles. JOHN: Is he any good? JARETH: He did a fabulous performance in The Vampire Mummy. ANGEL: He was the Curator then, too. PRINCE GILES' THRONE ROOM ******************************** ANGEL: (enters the room) Prince Giles, I must speak with you! GILES: (sits up a little, with a smile) Alright everyone...later!! (claps his hands, then looks at the woman standing next to him, and switches to a suggestive tone) Later... BUFFY: (stares openmouthed) --The people surrounding the throne leave the room**note that Giles has a mole on his left cheek**-- ANGEL: (steps up to the throne) I have news. GILES: And what sort of news do you have? Not bad news, is it? You know I can't take bad news. The day started out so good. I had a good night's sleep, I had a good BM. I don't want to hear any bad news, now what sort of news is it? JOHN: He's good. AUTHOR: (nods in approval) ANGEL: (trying not to smile) Well, to be perfectly frank, it's bad news. GILES: I KNEW it! I KNEW it was bad news. (knocks the goblet off the side of his throne) Wait, I have an idea. Maybe, if you gave me the bad news in a good way, it won't sound so bad. JARETH: Uh-huh....creative. ANGEL: Hmmm....bad news an a good way. Yes, I could do that...um ..(clears his throat, and starts laughing) Wait until you hear this. I just bumped into Spike of Loxley, he's back from the Crusades. (laughs again) He just beat the crap out of me and my men. (continues laughing) GILES: (looks at him like he's insane) ANGEL: (between laughs) He hates you and loves your brother, Xavier. (laughs again) GILES: (looks like he's going to throw up) ANGEL: (still laughing) He wants to see you hanged. (more laughter) --By this time, the whole cast and Peanut Gallery, minus Giles is in complete hysterics-- ANGEL: We were in an awful lot of trouble. (incoherent laughter) GILES: What are you, CRAZY!? Why are you laughing? This is TERRIBLE news! ANGEL: (still laughing) I was just trying to soften the blow. GILES: Well, you blew it. ANGEL: (recovers) This is a naughty problem, Sire, not easily solved. GILES: What to do...what to do....GOT IT! WILLOW!! The weird creature who lives in the tower! The one that predicts my future! OZ: Weird creature? Does he know something we don't? ANGEL: Oh, yes....Willow. Is she ugly. (makes a face) BUFFY: Is not! JOHN: (directs a sideways glance at the Author) AUTHOR: (shakes her head) TOWER ****************** GILES: (runs up the stairs and into the room at the top) Willow! Willow, where are you? I must speak with y--AAAHHH!!! (he recognizes her) Oh, it's you. What did they do to you? BUFFY: (stares) MULDER: Ugh. LANGLY: I second that. XANDER: She's actually kind of pretty in real life. BYERS: Whatever you say. DAWN: (snickering) GILES: (has recovered his shock) What can you tell me about Spike of Loxley? WILLOW: He's a real pain in the butt. XANDER: Something we DON'T know. SPIKE: (gives a flat look) WILLOW: Do I have to say this? AUTHOR AND JOHN: Yes!!! WILLOW: (rolls her eyes) Spike of Loxley....hmmm, let me see. (leans over a frying pan) Raven's egg, blood of a hen...little bit more blood-- SPIKE: I'm hungry. WILLOW: Eyeballs of a crocodile....testicles of a newt...I guess he's a transsexual now. JARETH: I guess so. RUFIO: That's disgusting. HOOK: And this from the leader of the Lost Boys. PETER: (nods in agreement) SCULLY: (turns sharply to look at Hook) I don't even want to know. AUTHOR: Yes, Peter Pan is real...can we get on with it? GILES: (looks sick) WILLOW: (dumps the mixture into the frying pan) Spike of Loxley is handsome and brave. He seeks to regain his family's honor. Little sod could be trouble. GILES: Are you certain? WILLOW: Certain? You want certain, hire yourself a witch, I'm just your cook) Scoops the mixture from the pan to a plate, and sets it in front of Giles) Here, eat that. GILES: (stares at it, disgusted) HAN: And you thought LANDO'S cooking was bad. LEIA: (makes a face) GILES: I'm not eating that. JOHN: Wise choice. GILES: So about this Spike fellow. How can I stop him? WILLOW: Well, maybe I could devise a magic potion. One that will make him unable to preform the slightest task. BUFFY: And call it a governmental chip? SPIKE: Sod off. WILLOW: But, in return, you must help me. GILES: What are you kidding? Name it. Anything you want! WILLOW: Put in a good word for me with the Sheriff of Rottingham. I've got the hots for him. XANDER AND OZ: Since WHEN!? GILES: Oy. WILLOW: (pulls open a curtain) I keep a likeness of him in my boudoir. (throws her arms around the cardboard cutout) ANGEL: Oh yuck. GILES: I am amazed to think the a handsome vampire like the Sheriff of Rottingham would ever fall for a creature like you. WILLOW: Giles, you take that back, or I won't help you at all. GILES: Well, maybe if we got him drunk. ANGEL: Not a chance. GILES: Very drunk. SPIKE: I would suggest knocking him out, too. ALL: (snicker) WILLOW: (glares) I hate this movie. AUTHOR: Back to Spike! SHERWOOD FOREST ************************** --Spike, Billy, and Oz are all on the horse. They come to a creek with a footbridge over it. Luke Skywalker is standing on the bridge.-- SPIKE: (stops the horse) Woah. Dismount! --The three get off the horse-- SPIKE: Wait here. I'll go make sure it's safe. (approaches Luke) DAWN: Ummm, I kind of thought Little John to be bigger then that. JOHN: (shrugs) At least he fits his name. RUFIO: Can't argue with that. XANDER: Don't let him fool you. He's deadly with a lightsaber. ANGEL: That, he is. SPIKE: (steps up to the bridge) LUKE: (is holding a wooden staff) SPIKE: You wanna move, mate? LUKE: Not until you pay the toll. SPIKE: What toll? LUKE: The toll you pay for crossing this bridge. SPIKE: Do I look like I have money? Where would I put it? AUTHOR: (pulls a few dollars out of the leather duster she's been wearing since "The Vampire Mummy") Over here! (grins) SPIKE: 'Ey, put that back! AUTHOR: (puts it back) Script. LUKE: Toll now. SPIKE: This bridege is on my family's land....well, it used to be my family's land. LUKE: Hey, you're Spike of Loxley. --They shake hands-- SPIKE: And who might you be? LUKE: They call me Little Luke. PEANUT GALLERY: (hysterical laughter) LUKE: Not funny. HAN: Sorry.....Little Luke. ALL: (more laughter) LUKE: But don't let my name fool you. In real life, I'm very big. --More laughter from all directions-- SPIKE: I'll take your word for it, now let me pass. LUKE: (pushes him back) Uh...no. (straightens himself up as tall as he can, and is STILL shorter than Spike) Sorry, man. But a toll os a toll, and a roll is a roll. And if we don't get no tolls, then we don't eat no rolls......I made that up. (smiles) HAN: You did not either. You read the script. LUKE: The script says I made it up. AUTHOR: Continue. SPIKE: Well, that's just neat. I'm afraid I'm going to have to hurt you. DRU: Oh, yes, please!!! Kill 'im loik Angelus did in the las' one!!! MURDOC: (stares) Is it just me, or is she a bit insane? PETE: MURDOC is calling someone ELSE insane? MACGYVER: She IS insane. Ask anyone who acted with her. ALL: She's insane. LUKE: (answering Spike) My pleasure! MUNGO! MUNGO: I's WILL now! (throws Spike a wooden staff) SPIKE: (leaps out of the way, and stares at the staff as if it bites) Don't be thowin' WOOD at me!!! What are you trying to do, kill me!? JOHN: Either pick it up, or just dodge all his blows as he swings at you. SPIKE: (glares) DAWN: (is giggling) BUFFY: (is smirking) SPIKE: (sighs, disgustedly and picks up the staff) BILLY: (standing with Oz and the horse) 'Ey, Blinkin. OZ: Did you just say "Abe Lincoln"? BILLY: No, I didn't say "Abe Lincoln", I said "HEY BLINKIN"! Hold the reins, man. (runs up to the bridge) Hey Spike! SPIKE: (to Luke) Excuse me. BILLY: No man, excuse ME! You don't have to do this, man! LOOK, this ain't exactly the Mississippi! ANGEL: I was wondering if they were going to notice that. BILLY: Look, I'm on one side, I'm on the other side. (jumps back and forth) I'm on the East bank, I'm on the West bank! (stands with one foot on each bank) This is not that criticle! SPIKE: Not the point. It's the principle of the thing. LUKE: (nods in agreement) BILLY: Nice knowin' you. JARETH: Fruitcakes. GILES: Obviously. LUKE AND SPIKE: (start fighting with the staffs) --The staffs break in the center-- LUKE AND SPIKE: (look at each other, shrug, and throw half away--They continue fighting with the remaining halves) BUFFY: There's something you don't see everyday. --The staffs break again--This continues until each fighter is holding a one foot long piece of staff-- SPIKE: You get the feeling this is getting nowhere? LUKE: (nods) Wanna stop? SPIKE: Yeh, might as well. (pushes Luke into the stream) DAWN: Oh THAT was mature. SPIKE: He was supposed to fall in anyway! LUKE: (sitting in the creek) I don't want to do this. ANGEL: After what they did to ME!? No WAY you aren't doing this! LUKE: (sighs and lays back--he starts kicking) Help!!! I'm drowning!!! HAN AND LEIA: (incoherent laughter) MULDER: There's something you don't often see. A Jedi Master drowning in a little stream. LANGLY: I'll never look at Star Wars the same way again. BYERS: That's awfully degrading. SPIKE: (laughs incoherently) AUTHOR: Spike, you're supposed to pull him out. SPIKE: Gettin' there, luv, really. LUKE: (glares as Spike pulls him out) This is so not right. ANGEL: TELL me about it. AUTHOR: Okay, that's a rap! LUKE: The scene isn't over! JOHN: Is now! Author is going to Mexico for a week. Consider this a vacation. AUTHOR: See you in a week! (exits) SPIKE: I'm gonna go change. (also exits) ALL GUYS: (bolt for the door) BEFORE THE SPOOF CONTINUES ******************************** --Author returns a week and a half later-- XANDER: Still not good at that time thing, huh? AUTHOR: Personal crisis, and none of your business, now go change. JOHN: (enters) We can start now!!! I'M here!!! Costumes everybody! --A half an hour later-- AUTHOR: Okay crew!! More announcements! MACGYVER: Great, now what? AUTHOR: First of all, Sven is back in the Peanut Gallery. Her spoofs are still on hiatus, though. Also, we have a newcomer by Sven's request. Everyone, this is Christian Mason, or just Chris. --Sven and Chris enter and bow-- MURDOC: You're kidding, right? JOHN: (in a ditzy tone.) No. CHRIS: 'Ey Mike! MURDOC: Sit down. MACGYVER: Huh? AUTHOR: You don't wanna know. Anyway, I've also casted the next four spoofs! SPIKE: Had a little time on your hands in Mexico, did you? AUTHOR: Angel, you will be allowed to leave after this spoof, however, I would like you and Angelus to return eventually for a sequel. ANGEL: I get to LEAVE!??? You MEAN it!!?? (grins) JOHN: Yep. Our newcomers, on the other hand--that would be the FBI agents and the Gunmen, You're stuck here awhile. You all have star roles coming up. FROHIKE: Be still, my beating heart. DRU: I can arragne tha'. (vamps out) THE GUNMEN: (back away) AUTHOR: Dru, sit down! We're starting again. XANDER: Hold it! How come Chris ain't in tights? CHRIS: I am. LANGLY: Those aren't tights, man. CHRIS: These? No, they're tight jeans. AUTHOR: Take 'em off. CHRIS: (shrugs) Okay, fine, oh Spoof-boss of All. (removes his jeans to reveal a pair of black and white, tiger-striped tights) DAWN: (is staring) CHRIS: (makes a kiss-noise at her before sitting down. As he sits, he pulls the rubber bands out of his hair, causing it to drop to his waist) BYERS: Well, look. Someone has longer hair than Langly. AUTHOR: Cool, ain't it? I created him. CHRIS: Love ya, baby. (grins) JOHN: Now back to the spoof. THE SPOOF CONTINUES **************************** SPIKE: (steps up to the bridge) Now, where were we? LUKE: (follows Spike) AUTHOR: Introductions. SPIKE: (reads script) Right. Allow me to introduce you to my friends. That is Blinkin-- OZ: (waves in the other direction) SPIKE: And this is Ahchoo. LUKE: Bless you. BILLY: No man, that's my name...Ahchoo. MUNGO: Bless you. BILLY: Not funny. LUKE: Let me introduce you to my best friend....Will Scarlet. MUNGO: Sca'le's jus' my mi'le name. Me full name is Will Sca'le' O'ara....We're from Georgia. LUKE: He's deadly with his daggers. SPIKE: Really? How about a little demonstration? MUNGO: Gladly. STAND IN!!! WILL: (jumps up from his seat and hands Spike a bow and arrow) Fire an arrow straigh' an my 'eaht. SPIKE: You're joking, right? WILL: (pulls out his daggers and gives them a twirl) SPIKE: (shrugs) Okay, goodbye. (shoots the arrow) WILL: (saws the arrow up before it reaches him) SPIKE: (stares openmouthed) BILLY: 'Ey! What part of Georgia you from? South Central? WILL: (blows the smoke from his daggers and goes to put them up, slashing his belt in the process. His pants fall to his ankles) I'm still ge'in ' the 'ang of tha' paht. (pulls them back up) ALL: (standing ovation) AUTHOR: Thankyou, Will. You may be seated. Mungo, back to your place. WILL: (takes a bow and sits back down next to Sven) LUKE: I'm sorry about the toll thing, Spike, but it's Prince Giles. He's taken our homes and everything we own. We've got nothing left. MACAVITY: Bad Watcher. CHRIS: Aww, you can almost hear the violin in the background. SPIKE: Not to worry, Little Luke. Even as we speak, I am forming a plan to make trouble for Prince Giles and Angel. Tonight, I'll crash their party and serve word that there are those who will fight to rid England of their tyranny. LUKE: GREAT! We'll join you! BILLY AND MUNGO: Yeah!!! SPIKE: No, no, no. I---CAN'T RISK THE LIVES OF OTHERS!? WHERE'S THE FUN IN THAT!??? AUTHOR: Shut up, and go for the horse. SPIKE: (runs up to jump on the horse. He falls back and lands on the ground) MISTO: (looks innocently at the ceiling) SPIKE: Not funny. BILLY: Man, white men can't jump. PALACE//PRINCE GILES' PARTY ****************************** --Giles is in his chair next to Angel at the head of the table--the mole is still on the laft side of his face, but has moved to just next to his mouth-- MIME: (is doing his "Mime act") GILES: (looks tired) ANGEL: (looks at Giles, then at the Mime) Kill him! MIME: (looks panicked and cuts his imaginary rope) --An anvil falls from the sky, and lands in front of them-- GILES: (stares) You know a mime is a terrible thing to waste. WAKKO: Especially that one. ANGEL: Let him go. JOHN: Wise idea. SARAH: (comes in, wearing a brilliant green dress and a gold crown) JARETH: (smiles in approval) SARAH: (approaches the table) GILES: Sarah, you know our good Sheriff of Rottingham. ANGEL: You look ravishing, my dear. SARAH: (smiles politely) ANGEL: Please allow me to help you to your seat. (smooches her hand as she sits down) JARETH: (makes a face) Pathetic. GUNMEN: (make the same face) SVEN: I would say desperate. CHRIS: I could do better. JARETH: But you won't. AUTHOR: Script! GILES: (takes a sip of his drink and makes a kiss noise in Sarah's direction) ANGEL: Well, I must say Prince Giles has spared no expense with tonight's party. We have exotic foods from across the seas......coconuts, bananas, and dates. Would you care for a date? SARAH: Oh yes, please. Thankyou. ANGEL: (pulls the plate away) How about next Thursday? LANGLY: Very desperate. RUFIO: With a dash of pathetic. ANGEL: I'm reading the SCRIPT! SPIKE: (throws open the doors. He is carrying a dead pig on his shoulders) Good evening! PENNY: Gross. AUTHOR: It's in the script! SPIKE: (waltzes up and drops the pig on the table) Greetings, Your Highness! AUTHOR, SVEN, AND JOHN: TRAYF!!! SPIKE: A gift for you and your guests, and it won't bleed on the table, because I took care of it! JOHN: That wasn't in the script! AUTHOR: (shrugs) Whatever works. ANGEL: That's a wild BOAR! SPIKE: No, that's a wild PIG. THAT is a wild bore. (points at Giles) GILES: Funny, very amusing.....So, you're Spike of Loxley. SARAH: Oh, I've heard so much about you. SPIKE: And you are? SARAH: Maid Sarah. SPIKE: Ah, Maid Sarah. Rumors of your beauty have traveled far and wide, yet I see they hardly do you justice. (kisses her hand) GILES: (muttering) He's a smoothie, definitely a smoothie... CHRIS: Took lessons from Jimmy, eh? AUTHOR: Possibly. ANGEL: (looks disgusted) ENOUGH!!! (yanks them apart) KING ILLEGAL FOREST TO PIG WILD KILL IN IT A IS!!!??? SPIKE AND SARAH: What!? ANGEL: I mean don't you know it is illegal to kill a wild pig in the King's forest!? SPIKE: Is it not also illegal to sit on the King's throne and use up his power in his absence? GILES: Careful, Spike. Don't go too far. SPIKE: I have only just begun. I've come to tell you that if you do not stop levying these evil taxes, I will lead the good people in a revolt against you. GILES: And why should the people listen to you? SPIKE: Because, unlike some other Robin Hoods, I can speak with an English accent. CHRIS: So what do you want, a medal? RUFIO: Big deal. DAWN: Is he dissing Kevin Costner? AUTHOR: I believe so. GILES: To tell you the truth, this guy's starting to get on my NERVES!!! DAWN: He wasn't already there? ANGEL: Worry not, Your Highness. I shall deal with this feathered upstart. XANDER: Is he actually going to do it this time? SVEN: Not according to the script. GILES: Figures. ANGEL: I challenge you to a duel! (slaps Spike across the face with his glove) SARAH: (gasps) GILES: (grins in approval) SPIKE: Very well, I accept. (picks a metal glove off the table and decks Angel with it) ANGEL: (shakes his head to clear it) That's going to cost you, Spikey! SPIKE: Please put it on my bill. AUTHOR: Seven hundred dollars and I only take cash. SPIKE: Funny. ANGEL: So, it's come down to this, has it? A fight to the death, mano a mano, man to man. Just you and me and my...GUARDS!!!!!! GUARDS: (surround Spike) SPIKE: (draws his sword) --They all start fighting--one guard falls across the table in front of Giles-- GILES: (backs up in his chair and holds up a hand) Check please, table one!!!! MULDER: Can I get one, too? I wanna leave. JOHN: You wish! SPIKE: (fights the guards to the stairway, where they are standing under the chandelier-he studies the ropes and cuts one of them) --A chandelier falls on Spike-- ALL: (hysterical laughter) SPIKE: Yeh, yeh, laugh at the vampire. ALL: (incoherent laughter) --The door breaks open, and Luke, Mungo, Oz, and Billy run in-- LUKE: (ignites lightsaber) Let's party. GILES: (crouches down in his chair behind the ......um..trayf. ^_^) --Party guests leave in a panic....except the ones that are gaping at the action-- SPIKE: (continues fighting the guards) BILLY AND MUNGO: (join the fight) OZ: (looks spaced) GILES: (still hiding behind the pig, watches the fight) LUKE: (is slicing and dicing) OZ: (approaches Spike with a tray) Your refreshment, sir. SPIKE: Ah, thankyou. (drains the glass of blood, while fighting a guard at the same time) BUFFY: (rolls her eyes) Spike's hidden talents. SPIKE: You're just jealous. OZ: Sounds like we're winning, sir. SPIKE: Indeed, we are. Carry on. OZ: Right you are. (walks away, swinging his sword) ANGEL: (comes up behind Giles) GILES: Save me, save me, hurt them, hurt them. DAWN: Now, I NEVER thought I would ever hear Giles say that. BUFFY: I never thought I would see him wear tights, either. Just play along. ANGEL: Yeah, save them, save them, hurt you, hurt you. I've got it. LANGLY: I'm not gonna ask. BYERS: Wise idea. OZ: (engages a full out, sword fight with a wooden post) ALL: (stop to watch) MULDER: There's somethin' you don't see every day. SCULLY: Mulder, get the camera. AUTHOR: Spike, you're supposed to be fighting. SPIKE: I'm watchin' this. JOHN: Personally, I didn't find it all that interesting. AUTHOR: It was different, but there WAS other stuff going on at the same time. JOHN: Looks like we're gonna have to skip 'em. OZ: (finally "defeats" the post) ALL: (standing ovation) AUTHOR: Okay, Spike needs to be at the top of the stairs, in front of the "exit" sign, and Mungo, you have a scene now. GUARD: (aims an arrow at Spike) MUNGO: (throws both his daggers and pins the guard to the wall, then turns to Macavity) Am I good? I'm good. (sticks his tongue out) MACAVITY: (rolls his eyes) Have to keep it going. MUNGO: (knocks the guard out and retrieves his daggers) ANGEL: Bar the doors! Don't let them escape!!! Surround the great hall!!! GILES: Now you're talking! --A bunch of matal-clad people march in, and surround the hall. Their chests read, "Acme Tin Soldier"-- WILL: Wha? SVEN: Different. AUTHOR: Courtesy of the Warners! GILES: I hope it's worth the NOISE!!!!! (holds his ears) --As soon as the Tin Soldiers are in place, Spike cuts another rope, the right one this time, and swings down, hitting one of the soldiers in the back. This causes a domino effect that knocks over every soldier in the room.-- JOHN: And everyone is applauding except..... GILES: Look at this!!! We went from Royalty to RECYCLING!!! MACGYVER: At least it's a good cause. MURDOC: Ignore him, he's mentally ill. NIKKI: Look who's talking. MURDOC: (glares) AUTHOR: Could you guys give it a rest already? JOHN: Continue. The guards corner the five in front of the door. SPIKE: Little Luke, could you get the door? LUKE: Yeah, no problem. (uses the Force to lift the board off the door, and throw it at the guards) SPIKE: Well, it's been a lovely party and all, and we'd love to stay, but I'm afraid we really must dash. So...Ta-Ta! (blows Sarah a kiss before he leaves) JENNY: (catches it) No no no no. SARAH: (looks disappointed) AUTHOR: Cut! Next scene! We need the villagers! SHERWOOD FOREST *********************** --Spike, Billy, Oz, Mungo and Luke stand on a platform, facing the cats and X-Babies who are playing the Villagers-- LUKE: I sent word to every village in England that they should send the very best men they have. These are them. MAGNEATO: (is picking his nose) POUNCE AND TUMBLE: (are playing with a dead rat) WOLVIE: ( is flipping off Snaggletooth, who is sitting in the Peanut Gallery, sticking out his tongue) MISTO: (is juggling one of Jareth's crystals) TUGGER: (is watching Misto with interest) ADMETUS: (is asleep) THE OTHERS: (don't seem to care what's going on and are busy playing cards) SPIKE: (surveys the group) We're screwed. SVEN: They ARE a classy bunch. FROHIKE: And these are the BEST in their villages. AUTHOR: Remind me not to go to England **No offense, Claire and Laura!!!^_^** GILES: I resent that. AUTHOR: During this time period. SPIKE: Good people....or cats....or mutants who have traveled from near and far, lend me your ears! MISTO: Do we have to? Mine are attached. MAGNEATO: Why don't he use his own? POUNCE, TUMBLE AND PLATO: (throw three sets of "Firey" ears at Spike) SPIKE: They still HAVE those? JARETH: You think I wanted them back? I don't need them. SPIKE: That's disturbing. AUTHOR: Just do the speech. SPIKE: The likes of Prince Giles and Angel must be STOPPED! Stopped from taxing us into poverty! VILLAGERS: (nod in agreement) SPIKE: Stopped from taking from us what is rightfully OURS! VILLAGERS: YEAH!!!! SPIKE: If--this sounds so stupid! Do I have to say this? AUTHOR: Yes. SPIKE: (rolls his eyes) We shall fight on the seas and oceans. We shall defend our isle, whatever the cost may be. We shall never surrender. Then, they shall say of us, "Never have so many owed so much to so few." VILLAGERS: (are asleep) --The four on the platform behind Spike are staring at him as if he came from the moon-- LANGLY: Now THAT was disturbing. FROHIKE: No, that was SICK! MURDOC: I think I'm going to puke. CHRIS: I think I'm going to join you. SPIKE: I read it, I don't write it. AUTHOR: (recovers) Oz? Your line. OZ: What's happening? BILLY: They're asleep. (walks up to Spike) Hey man, tough room. Why don't I give it a try? SPIKE: (shrugs and steps back) BILLY: (moves to the front and puts on a pair of "Malcom X" glasses) Look at yourselves! VILLAGERS: (jerk themselves awake) BILLY: Go on, take a look around. VILLAGERS: (look at each other) BILLY: Aw, people of Sherwood, you've been had! VILLAGERS: (nod in agreement) BILLY: Hoodwinked! VILLAGERS: Yeah! BILLY: Bamboozled! VILLAGERS: YEAH! BILLY: Runamuck! VILLAGERS: (cheering) BILLY: Man, we didn't land on Sherwood Forest!! Sherwood Forest landed on US!! VILLAGERS: (wild cheering) BILLY: (to Spike) They all warmed up! SPIKE: Brother Ahchoo is right! And I say we FIGHT BACK!!! Are you with me, yay or nay!!??? POUNCE: Which one means yes? SPIKE: (sighs) Yay. VILLAGERS: YAAAAYYYYY!!!!!! AUTHOR: Next scene!!!! TRAINING ******************* SPIKE: (at the end of a table) Alright men, grab your uniforms and equipment and prepare for the training sequence! --Oz, Luke, Mungo, and Billy are now wearing "Robin Hood" uniforms except that Billy's feathered cap is turned around backwards-- OZ: Rigt men, grab your feathered caps, shodkins, jerkins, boots, swords, quivers, and panty hose!!!! BILLY: (is cracking green tights out of large plastic eggs) MULDER: Very cute. JOHN: Creative, I thought. AUTHOR: Okay, give the villagers time to change and then we'll be back! --A half an hour later-- PENNY: Oh, look at Wolvie!!! He's so cute!!!! WOLVIE: I hate this suit. SPIKE: Alright men, The object of this exercise is to hit the target. (fires an arrow into the bullseye) VILLAGERS: (line up, facing the targets) POUNCE: (can't seem to get the arrow out of the holder) TUMBLE: (can't figure out how to work the bow) PLATO: (breaks the bow) MUNKU: (hits the target) WOLVIE: (gets mad because the bow and arrow are too big for him and slashes them to bits) CORI: (breaks the arrow) MAGNEATO: (throws the bow away and uses his power to guide the metal tip into the bullseye) ADMETUS: (shoots, misses the target, and hits a bird) POUNCE: (eats the bird) TUGGER: (refuses to touch either the bow, or the arrow) CYKE: Gets rid of both the bow and the arrow, and blasts the target to bits with an optic blast) CHRIS: Cool. WILL: They're better than the real villagers. AHCHOO: I heard that, man. SPIKE: Now men! I want you to keep your eye on Mungo and do exactly what he does! MUNGO: (on a horse--rides with his spear toward a line of dummies on dummie horses, and knocks a dummy off its horse) SVEN: He's had lessons. SPIKE: (gives him a cat treat) Good boy. TUMBLE: That's not so hard! POUNCE: We can do that! --Pounce, Tumble, Admetus, Tugger and Cori are knocked off their horses-- WOLVIE: (slashes his dummy to bits, horse and all) MUNKU: (knocks the dummy off the horse) MISTO: (knocks the dummy off the horse, with out having to move) CYKE: (blows it up, horse and all) MAGNEATO: (uses the dummy's metal fruit cocktail can head to knock it off its horse) BILLY: What if we use half the villagers and half the dummies? WILL: Why couldn' WE ge' them!? JOHN: Life's unfair. Sorry. AHCHOO: No you ain't. JOHN: You're right, I'm not. AUTHOR: On to Prince Giles and Angel. ROYAL PALACE//BATHROOM, WE ASSUME ************************************* ANGEL: Prince Giles, I must speak with you. --Giles is in the bathtub while four servants are blowing bubbles through long pipes--The mole has moved to his right cheek, under his eye-- ANGEL: Your Majesty, I have terrible news. GILES: What? ANGEL: Strucky has loxed again. GILES: WHAT!? ANGEL: Loxley has struck again. GILES: I'm going to need a little privacy, so you guys can blow. SERVANTS: (blow more bubbles) GILES: Not 'blow', BLOW! (motions for them to leave) SERVANTS: (take their pipes and exit) GILES: I'm so depressed. ANGEL: Come with me, Your Majesty, and I will show you something that will make you VERY happy. GILES: I don't know how to tell you this, Angel, but I'm straight. ALL: (incoherent laughter) ANGEL: Whatever you say, Dress-guy. ALL: (laugh harder) GILES: Why must everyone keep bringing that up? CHRIS: No offense man, but you walked into that one. AUTHOR: Can we continue? ANGEL: Fetch the Royal robe!!! By the way--stop me if I'm wrong, but wasn't your mole....on the other side? GILES: (Aghast) I have a mole? DOT: Da-uh! JOHN: Tell me about it. I had mine removed. It was just too weird. SVEN: If it moved around like that one, I can see why. AUTHOR: Okay, we go to out behind the castle. GILES: What is it? AUTHOR: Castle, you know big, made of stone, rich people live in them? GILES: I was reading my lines! AUTHOR: I know, I couldn't help it. ANGEL: (continuing) It's what we've named the stealth catapult. We've been working secretly on it for months. RUFIO: So how come we never created one of those? PETER: Because the giant sling shot worked better? GILES: Wow, how does it work? ANGEL: Well, it's quite simple, really. You take one of those boulders there, put it here, where I'm sitting, then pull on that lever. GILES: Like this? (pulls the lever) ANGEL: (goes flying) GILES: (grins) Always wanted to do that. AUTHOR: Meanwhile, in the tower, Willow is praying at the foot of her bed. WILLOW: Oh dear Lord. If you can see fit to send me my one true love.... --Angel falls through the ceiling and lands on the bed in front of her-- WILLOW: Do I have to jump on him? ANGEL: Not really. AUTHOR AND JOHN: Yes. BUFFY: (stares) WILLOW: Sorry, Buffy. (jumps on Angel) Oh, my darling! Let me work my magic on you!!! LANGLY: (covers his mouth and runs for the bathroom) ANGEL: I've got a headache!! (jumps off the bed and follows Langly, covering his own mouth) SPIKE: Well, that was interesting. AUTHOR: End of scene! Langly, quit hogging the bathroom! LANGLY: Angel's doing it, too!!!! ANGEL: That was VILE! WILLOW: I was only doing what the script said! SVEN: Um...next scene? AUTHOR: Right. Who's Rabbi Tuckman? JACK DALTON: That's me. JOHN: Get your mule. JACK: Right. SHERWOOD FOREST *********************** --Jack comes through the woods with his wagon-- JACK: I don't like the way you're walking! You've been into the sacramental wine again. You're verschnickert! You drunkin mule, you. --Stops in a clearing to see Spike standing on top of a rock with Luke, Oz, Billy, Mungo, and the Villagers behind him-- JACK: Woah, Morris, woah. SPIKE: Hello, friend. You've just entered the territory of Robin Hood and his merry men. JACK: (stares) Faygelehs? VILLAGERS: (muttering) POUNCE: What's that? SVEN: Like Dress guy. GILES: I resent that. WOLVIE: NO WAY!!! (pushes Cyke away from him) SPIKE: No, we're straight...just merry. JACK: Ah zoy. And who are you, with the exceptionally long feather in your hat? SPIKE: I am Spike of Loxley. (takes a bow) JACK: Spike of Loxley? I've just come from Maid Sarah's! The lady whose heart you stole. You Prince of Thieves, you. BUFFY: I thought it was called 'borrowing'. SPIKE: (leaps off the rock to stand in front of the wagon) JACK: I knew her mother and father before they were taken by the plague. Lord and Lady Williams. You know you were meant for each other, you and Sarah. JARETH: (with narrowed eyes) Oh, REALLY........ JACK: Maybe I'd better not finish this. AUTHOR: Good idea. We don't want Rabbi Tuckman to be tossed into the Bog of Eternal Stench. Spike, skip to the main introduction. SPIKE: And who are you, sir? JACK: I am Rabbi Dalton, purveyor of sacramental wine and mohel extraordinaire. VILLAGERS: 'Ello, Rabbi. JACK: Hello, boyez! (lifts his hat--his wig comes up with it) SVEN: Um, Jack? The sticky side goes DOWN! ALL: (snickering) SPIKE: Mohel....I don't believe I've heard of that profession. JACK: Mohel? He's a very important guy. He makes circumcisions. MUNGO: Wha's a circumcision? WILL: You don' wanna know. JACK: Oh, it's the latest rage. Tha ladies love 'em! JOHN: He's a little......into this, isn't he? AUTHOR: Interesting. LUKE: Do we have to say this? AUTHOR: Yes! MUNGO: (shrugs) Well, I want one! LUKE: (makes a face) I'll take two. HAN: This, I gotta see. ALL: (incoherent laughter) FROHIKE: (stares) SPIKE: (hesitates) I'm game, how's it done? JACK: Well, I take my little machine....(pulls out a miniature guillotine) I take your little thing.... SPIKE: Who are you callin 'LITTLE'!? ANGEL: (covers his mouth, laughing) SVEN: We don't really need to know. AUTHOR: Jack? JACK: (pulls out a carrot and puts it into the machine) Nip the tip! Who's first? LUKE: I've changed my mind. (pulls Mungo in front of him) LANGLY: (stares in horror) I think I left the bathroom too quick. WOLVIE: I'll show YOU 'nip the tip'! (snikt) BYERS: (makes a face) Ugh. MULDER: Can I be excused? AUTHOR: You wish. SCULLY: (snickers) BILLY: Man, I forgot, I already got one! HAN: How could you forget THAT!? CREEPY: Maybe they knocked him out? JESSE: He was a baby. AUTHOR: Can we continue? JACK: I've gotta start working on a much younger crowd. MAGNEATO: Drop dead. CYKE: Not a chanth. SPIKE: Rabbi, you seem to be on the side of good. Will you share with us, some of your wisdom-- MURDOC: Dalton? Wisdom? That'll be the day. MACGYVER: (elbows him) MURDOC: (pulls his hunting knife and holds it to MacGyver's throat) SNAGGLETOOTH: FIGHT! SPIKE: Way to go, Murdoc! JOHN: (looks at the Author) AUTHOR: Murdoc, he's starring in the next one, as are you. Can you kill him another time? MURDOC: What's the big deal? He can be brought back. SVEN: This is true. BYERS: Come on, put him down so they can get on with this. MACGYVER: (turns) Wait a sec. Don't I know you? BYERS: Not that I know of. MACGYVER: I swear I've seen you before. BYERS: I've never seen you before in my life. JOHN: (looks at the Author) AUTHOR: (whispers something in his ear) JOHN: (nods in understanding) AUTHOR: Spike, finish your line. SPIKE: Some of your counsel, and perhaps....some of your wine? WOLVIE: (grins in glee) SPIKE: You can't have any, you're too young. WOLVIE: (sticks his lip out) JACK: Wisdom and counsel, that's easy, but this is sacramental wine. It's only used to bless things. POUNCE: No problem. You got catnip? ALL: NO!!!! POUNCE: (Imitates Wolvie's pout) JACK: Wait a minute. There's things here! There's rocks! There's birds, there's squirrels! Come on, we'll bless them all until we get verschnickert! Join me! --They all unload the wagon except the cats and X-Babies--and Wolvie and Pounce are still fighting-- JOHN: (to the Author, quietly) Should we tell them it's only grapejuice? AUTHOR: Nah, let them find out on their own. Next scene!!! We need Murdoc, Bustopher, Yakko, and Angel! You get to do the Godfather! BACK ROOM OF THE CASTLE *********************************** ANGEL: Good evening, Don Bustopher Jones. BUSTOPHER: (speaking like the Godfather) Bow-na sarah. SVEN: Huh? JOHN: Bouna sera. BUSTOPHER: Whatever. ANGEL: Thankyou for coming on such short notice, and all the way from New Jersey. BUSTOPHER: Well, it is quite a drive. HAN: Drive? BUSTOPHER: In the script. HAN: (shrugs) Oookay. ANGEL: But you do realize Prince Giles commanded this to be a secret meeting. Who are these men? BUSTOPHER: These are my most trusted associates. On my right....Dirty Murdoc. MACGYVER: Interesting name. MURDOC: Bite me. ANGEL: Don't tempt me. BUSTOPHER: On my left...Filthy Yakko. DOT: You can say that again. YAKKO: (glares) We would like to thank you for inviting us on the day of your daughter's wedding. I hope her first child does not look like you. SPIKE: (chokes on the bag of blood he stole....when he found out the wine was grapejuice) ANGEL: Funny. BUSTOPHER: Sit down. We didn’t even have our meeting yet. YAKKO: Couldn't help it. BUSTOPHER: Right. I understand you are being bothered by this fruit, Spike Hood. ANGEL: (nods) SPIKE: 'Ey! Who are you callin' a FRUIT!? Say that to my FACE, you big FAT FUZZBALL!!!! WAGNER: I'm offended by zhat. SPIKE: Wrong fuzzball. AUTHOR: Sit down, Elvis. WAGNER: (flops down next to Han and Leia) JOHN: And Spike, you're not in this scene. Have a seat. SPIKE: I am NOT a fruit! AUTHOR: No comment. SPIKE: (glares) JOHN: Oh quit pouting. She's kidding. SVEN: No kiddin', we all know Spike's no fruit. He just has bad taste. DRU: I resen' tha'. SVEN: I rest my case. AUTHOR: Back to the story. BUSTOPHER: And you want him bumped out, eliminated, maybe even killed. ANGEL: Yes. you put it succinctly. BUSTOPHER: Suck what? XANDER: We don't wanna know. CHRIS: Unless we can use it for blackmail later. ANGEL: (ignores him) Succinctly, it means perfectly. RUFIO: Then why didn't he just SAY that!? ANGEL: Script? RUFIO: Excuses, excuses. AUTHOR: Skip the 'lizard' thing. We don't have one. MURDOC: And I wouldn't let you wipe lizard crap on me anyway. NIKKI: Although it would be a heck of a sight. CHRIS: (reads the script) This is really boring. Can we skip some of this? AUTHOR: Yeah, skip to when Bustopher removes the cotton balls. BUSTOPHER: What cotton balls? We don't have any. Pounce and Tumble tore them apart. AUTHOR: (looks at Pounce) Figures. Just skip that, too. ANGEL: You know your other associate says very little. PETE: Give him time. MURDOC: (glares) BUSTOPHER: Um, he doesn't feel like talking. MACGYVER: I thought he was supposed to have his tongue cut out. That's what it says in the script. ANGEL: I'm sorry. I know what that's like. AUTHOR: Script! ANGEL: Tell me, Don Bustopher, what do you intend to do about Spike Hood? SPIKE: Yes, do tell. BUSTOPHER: Tomorrow when you have your medieval fun and games, you make the most important event the archery contest. Spike won't be able to resist. ANGEL: Why? Is Buffy going to kiss the winner? BUFFY: Over my rotting corpse. SPIKE: Uh, luv? Don't say that too loud. YAKKO: We'll make him an offer he can't refuse. BUSTOPHER: I was just going to say that! (throws a handful of peanuts at Yakko) SPIKE: Is the Blood-Mobil going to be there? I wouldn't resist that. PETER: I don't remember Robin Hood being bloodthirsty. JOHN: Neither do I and I was there. ANGEL: That's brilliant. BUSTOPHER: Thankyou. ANGEL: But you do realize that Spike Hood is the finest archer in the land. BUFFY: Yeah, right. BUSTOPHER: Oh no, Yakko is good, better, best. Show him your archery medals. YAKKO: (opens his coat, grinning) DOT: Oh GROSS!!!! Yakko, put some clothes on!!! YAKKO: (is wearing Buggs Bunny underwear and about a hundred medals) ANGEL: Impressive......I think. AUTHOR: Now close that coat and, when the scene's over, put some tights on! BUSTOPHER: Now....Yakko beats Spike in the archery contest, and then Dirty Murdoc makes Spike no more. MURDOC: (pulls out a cross-bow) XANDER: He is so suited for that part. MURDOC: (grins his "Maniac" grin)--all MacGyver fans know this look-- ANGEL: 'No more'? BUSTOPHER: You want plain English? Spike is going to be dead. D-E-D. ANGEL: You mean dust. He's already dead. BUSTOPHER: Whatever. AUTHOR: The four of them laugh, and, up above, from her balcony, Sarah was listening. SARAH: (gasps and runs back into her room--she claps her hands--the lights come on--) Jenny, wake up. There's a foul plot afoot. JENNY: It's not MY feet, I just washed them! SPIKE: So she says. SARAH: Prince Giles and Angel have hired men to kill Spike! We must warn him at once! JENNY: But, Milady, if Prince Giles should see us.... SARAH: You're right. We'll go out the back. JENNY: (nods in agreement) AUTHOR: (quietly to John) Remind me to get them Oscars for this one. --As Sarah runs back to the balcony, she nearly trips over a Jawa, who appears to be dramatically speaking to another Jawa, who is standing under the balcony-- SARAH: (stops to stare) JOHN: I like these Jawas. SCULLY: Oh good grief. LANGLY: Tell me I'm not really seeing this. BYERS: I think it's Romeo and Juliet. SARAH: I forgot my line. JENNY: (comes to stare) JOHN: We should definitely keep using these guys. DRU: They didn' bring food this toim. AUTHOR: They'll be back. Sarah, you jump off the balcony and onto a horse. SARAH: WHAT!!!??? NO WAY! JARETH: Just do it, you'll be fine. Trust me. SARAH: (looks uncertain, but does it anyway--she falls slow and graceful and lands on the horse) Now, what was I supposed to say? JOHN: Just ride off. Try to ignore the Jawas. FROHIKE: Pardon me, but HOW, exactly, do you ignore THAT!? --The Jawa on the balcony is continuing its performance, while the one on the ground is doing the same, both of them crying out, dramatically, in their "Dink-dink" language-- HAN: Not a clue. I've been watching the FOURTH "Star Wars" spoof, AND "The Vampire Mummy", and I STILL haven't been able to ignore them. LUKE: They keep doing something different every time we see them. AUTHOR: Can we continue? JENNY: (jumps off the balcony--the horse moves out of the way--she lands gracefully on her feet) CHRIS: HEY! Where's the fun in that? AUTHOR: She's a cat! What can we say!? JENNY: (rides off on the horse) JOHN: Next scene!!!! AUTHOR: Spike rides his horse up to the camp to find Oz standing up on the lookout. SPIKE: Blinkin, what are you doing? OZ: Guessing...........I GUESS no one's coming. SPIKE: Please come down from there.......twit. OZ: (shrugs) Well, I guess there's a ladder here, somewhere. (finds it) Oh, here we are, right. (crawls under the rail, knocking the ladder over--then checks for it again) Oh CRAP!!! (falls to the ground, then stands back up) I can SEE! (smacks into a tree) Nope. I was wrong. (walks away) ALL: (standing ovation) JOHN: We really need to give him and award for all these performances he keeps putting out. AUTHOR: Definitely. Anyway, boys? We're skipping the song. --Most of the villagers, Luke, Oz, Billy, and Mungo are cheering wildly-- AUTHOR: For now. --Cheering stops-- AUTHOR: ALL the guys get to do it at the end! POUNCE: WOO-HOOOO!!!! LUKE: (clamps a hand over Pouncie's mouth) Ignore him, he's insane. ALL JELLICLES: We know...we know. LANGLY: You know, I really wish people would mention about these embarrassing things BEFORE I bother to show up. FROHIKE: (makes a face) The Author's insane. RUFIO: It took you THIS long to figure that out? AUTHOR: Back to the spoof. Pick it up where Sarah and Jenny ride into camp. SPIKE'S CAMP ******************** SPIKE: (sees the women ride up) Sarah! (helps her off her horse) LUKE: Do I have to? AUTHOR: Yes. LUKE: (walks up to Jenny) Allow me. --Jenny has so much padding, she knocks Luke over, landing on top of him-- CHRIS: Kinky. SVEN: (elbows him) Pervert. JENNY: You're so sweet. Is there something I can......do for you? LUKE: Yeah, you can get off me. JENNY: (looks offended, and stands up) VILLAGERS: (are laughing) SPIKE: (in a colding tone) Little Luke! LUKE: I panicked. HAN: (snickering) SPIKE: (to Sarah) Luv, what are you doing here? SARAH: I've come to warn you. Prince Giles and Angel have hired men to kill you at the fair tomorrow, you mustn't go! SPIKE: That's easy, I won't! SARAH: Oh, I'm so happy. SPIKE: (leans in to kiss her) SARAH: They were going to lure you there by having an archery contest...and free blood. (leans in to meet his kiss) SPIKE: (turns away) Free blood? SARAH: Their archer is unbeatable. SPIKE: Now, about the free blood. SARAH: Spike, promise you won't go. SPIKE: Alright. I promise you won't go. SARAH: (flatly) How dumb do I look? SPIKE: You really want me to answer that? AUTHOR: Could we get back to the script? JOHN: Sarah wasn't supposed to get that. AUTHOR: Pretend she didn't. BILLY: Wait a minute, Spike, you said-- SPIKE: Cool it! BILLY: Chillin'! SPIKE: I am NOT singing that song! AUTHOR: I hate that song. We're skipping it. SPIKE: (looks relieved) JOHN: We go to where Spike and Sarh are standing in front of that tree. SPIKE: My darling, I'm ready for that kiss now....ugh, listen to me, I makin' myself sick. SARAH: But first, I must warn you...it could only be a kiss, for I am a virgin, and could never go all the way. CHRIS: Them's the brakes, huh? SPIKE: Totally. SARAH: Unless, of course, I were married. SPIKE: But-- SARAH: Or if a man pledged his endless love to me... SPIKE: Yeh, but-- SARAH: Or if I knew that he desperately cared for me........or if he were really cute. YAKKO: Not too picky, is she? BUFFY: She's stalling. She just doesn't want to kiss Spike. SPIKE: (ignores her) But, my darling, you're shivering. What are you wearing underneath that cape? SARAH: Practically nothing. AUTHOR: Skip the sex content. SPIKE: Like I'm gonna go near that thing anyway! I'm not CHAFING myself for her! MURDOC: Extremely painful. SARAH: It's an Everlast. SPIKE: I'll bet. SARAH: Don't despair. For it is written on a scroll.."One day he who is destined for me, shall be endowed with the magical key, that will bring an end to my virginity." SPIKE: This is really sappy. AUTHOR: Read, don't criticize. SPIKE: (rolls his eyes) Oh darling, if only 'twere me. SARAH: Oh, if it 'twere you, 'twould be.....twerrific. --They move to kiss-- JENNY: HEY! No ding-ding without the wedding ring! SPIKE AND SARAH: (make a face) SPIKE: Figures. --They move to kiss-- JENNY: AHEM! SARAH: (breaks away and goes to her horse) SPIKE: I REFUSE to say this! It makes me sound like a bloody WANKER! BOYO: What? WOLVIE: A nerd. SHOWER: Well, why couldn't he just say that? AUTHOR: Cuz he's English, now continue the spoof! Next scene! ROYAL FAIR//ARCHERY CONTEST ********************************* LUKE: Wait a sec! This says we have to dress like women! JOHN: And your point is? LUKE: I am NOT going in DRAG! HAN: This I gotta see! OZ: WHAT!? Nobody mentioned I had to wear a dress! LANGLY: As if the river scene wasn't enough! Now, I'll never watch Star Wars again without thinking of Luke Skywalker in a dress! AUTHOR: All four of you will wear your dresses, and not complain, or I'm calling Abominable! LUKE: Hmmm, let me think. Getting a spanking from a snowman, or wearing a dress.....tough choice. MUNGO: I'll wear the dress. BILLY: What snowman? SVEN: Looney Toons! Jareth gives you bunny ears. BILLY: I'll wear the dress. OZ: Same here. No snowman is spanking me. AUTHOR: Luke? We can get you a stand-in while you have a date with the snowman. LUKE: First person who laughs gets it in the kisser. SVEN: Yes, Sith Lord. LUKE: (glares) AUTHOR: Gentlemen, get your dresses. --Twenty minutes later, Luke, Billy, Oz, and Mungo approach the castle gate as women-- ALL: (total hysteria) LUKE: (is doing the "Wolvie pout") BILLY: Man, I should have never worn these shoes.....they just don't match my purse. FRANK: (to Jesse) We need to take that boy to counseling when this is over. MURDOC: Apparently, acting in spoofs DOES cause irreversible brain damage. MUNGO: (to Oz) Fix your boobs, you look loik a bleedin'......'oo's Picasso? TEAZER: Tha' bloind man 'oo pain's those funny e'pensive pain'in's we keep shreddin' at 'ome. GILES: (who's mole has moved lower down on the right side og his mouth) Picasso was NOT blind. TEAZER: Could'a fooled me. 'Is ar' stinks. OZ: (fixes his chest) AUTHOR: Jesse, get up there and help the Jawas do the food! JESSE: Peanuts, get your peanuts!!!!! JAWAS: (doing the food selling thing with the free blood) DRU: (snatches two bags of blood) ANGEL: HEY! Over here! MULDER: Got sunflower seeds? JAWA: Dink dink dink dink. (hands him a bag) BYERS: You know these things are kind of cute. AUTHOR: They seem to be a big hit. That's why we keep using them. Okay, boys! Blow your trumpets! and I don't mean your noses! POUNCE AND TUMBLE: (blow their trumpets in Giles' ears) GILES: (holds his head) Now I know how Spike feels. POUNCE: It's in the script! PETER: (in a shrill annoying voice) The royal archery contest is about to begin! Archers, take your places! GILES: (stares, annoyed, then leans over to Angel) Are we....prepared? ANGEL: (motions toward the castle window) MURDOC: (makes a salute, and holds up a loaded cross-bow) GILES: That's good, real good. PETER: Archers, to the line! --The Archers take their positions and load their arrows--Spike, in costume, stands next to Yakko-- PETER: Ready....aim.....wait for it.....FIRE!!!! PHYRO: Yeah, BAY-BEE!!!!! (sets the target on fire) --The archers shoot their arrows--Yakko's and Spike's hit the bulls-eye-- PETER: The two archers who hit the bulls-eye can stay! The rest of you can BUGGER OFF! And someone get the PYROMANIAC off the field!!!! PHYRO: (has torched the entire target) JOHN: Maybe next time, we should just say 'shoot'. AUTHOR: Good idea. --The only ones left on the field are Spike and Yakko-- ANGEL: There he is! The old man is Spike of Loxley! GILES: Are you sure? He looks like Mark Twain! ANGEL: No kiddin', and he calls ME a poof. PETER: The old man may go first! --Before Spike can shoot, the Jawas prance across the field with pom-poms. They do their "Dink-dink" song and form a pyramid-- MULDER: Let me guess....halftime? BYERS: Han's right. There is no way humanly possible to ignore those guys. ALL: (stare until the Jawas leave the field) GILES: Right then, shall we continue? PETER: As I was saying....The old man may go first. SPIKE: (aims and fires--the arrow hits the center of the bulls-eye) CROWD: (cheers) ANGEL: Well done......Spike of Loxley. SPIKE: (removes his costume) AUTHOR: Everybody acts surprised and cheers louder. CROWD: (look at each other for a moment, shrug, and put on surprised faces, and cheer loudly) JOHN: Interesting. JAWAS: (on the side lines--wave their pom-poms) SPIKE: (takes a bow) LUKE: Well, here's a line I agree with.....He's CRAZY! However, stopping him would probably be pointless at this time. OZ: I heard that. Let's go. I wonder if the local pub has ladies night? HAN: This is priceless! Can I get copies of the pictures? LUKE: Who's taking pictures? AUTHOR: Dot. She's over there. --Luke, Oz, Billy, and Mungo run toward Dot-- GUARD: Sorry, ladies, this is the royal entrance. You'll have to go around the other way. LUKE: Figures. CROWD: (is still cheering) GILES: (to Angel) Look what you've done, you idiot! Now he's even more of a hero to the people! ANGEL: Yakko Warner still has a shot. GILES: But he hit the very center of the bulls-eye! SHMUCK! ANGEL: Wait and see, Sire. YAKKO: (aims and fires--his arrow splits Spike's in two) CROWD: (standing ovation) SPIKE: (stares in shock) GILES: (grinning to Angel) Things are lookin' up. SARAH AND JENNY: (look disappointed) THE JAWAS: (pick Yakko up and carry him around the field in a victory dance) SPIKE: (still staring) I lost. CROWD: (starts booing Spike) LUKE: Great, he makes us all look like idiots! Get out of my way! (shoves the guards aside) BILLY, MUNGO AND OZ: (follow him) HAN: (to Leia) Like they need him to look like idiots. CHRIS: No kiddin', they're the ones in the dresses. SPIKE: I lost? Wait a minute, I'm not supposed to lose. Let me see the script! (pulls the script out and starts leafing through it) SVEN: Hey LOOK! Someone's reading the SCRIPT! ALL: (stare in awe) --Billy, Oz, Mungo, and Luke run up to Spike-- BILLY: Yo man, it's time to get out of here. CROWD: (throwing food, supplied by the Jawas) Go back to SUNNYDALE!!! XANDER: Like we want him there? OZ: Oh good, they've opened a salad bar. SPIKE: Wait! I get another SHOT! BILLY: Cool! SARAH: Does he? GILES AND ANGEL: (look at each other and pull out their scripts) Yes, he does, he does.... ANGEL: This sucks...there really is no justice. RUFIO: (stands up in the Peanut Gallery and whistles) Hey, yo! PEOPLE! The vampire has another shot! Try to pretend you're happy for him! SPIKE: Thanks...I think. CROWD: (cheers) GILES: (to Angel) Quick, eliminate him before he shoots! ANGEL: (waves to Murdoc) MURDOC: (fires the cross-bow) SPIKE: (as the metal dart hits him in the heart) BLOODY HELL!!!!! NOT AGAIN!!!! PEANUT GALLERY: (incoherent laughter) JOHN: Oz was supposed to catch that. OZ: I didn't see it coming. SVEN: Oz didn't read the script. MURDOC: (comes out and takes a bow) JAWAS: (have dropped off Yakko and now parade around the field with Murdoc) BUFFY: Too bad the dart was metal. SPIKE: (pulls the dart out) You got blood on my costume. AUTHOR: Murdoc has good aim, what can we say? JARETH: He'd be more excited if it was MacGyver. CHRIS: Probably pretended it was. JOHN: We need to continue now. Spike, can you still shoot? SPIKE: (pulls the "Patriot Arrow" out and aims it at Murdoc) Sure can. AUTHOR: Spike, the target's the other way. SPIKE: Depends on which target you aim at. (shots the arrow) --The arrow turns sharply, flies around the field, causes the Peanut Gallery, the Jawas, and the crowd to do the wave by flying under them, and crashes through the back of the target, blowing both arrows out of the bulls-eye-- SPIKE: (does the "Wolvie pout") I hate this movie. MURDOC: (sticks out his tongue) ANGEL: Arrest him! GUARD: Spike or Murdoc? MURDOC: HE'S the outlaw. I'm working for the Sheriff. GUARDS: (grab Spike) ANGEL: Loxley is a traitor to the crown! It'll be so great to watch you hang! SARAH: WAIT! ANGEL: What for? SARAH: If you promise not to kill Spikem I shall do the most disgusting thing I can think of! ALL: (look interested) JARETH: (in a sly tone) Reeeeeally.... ANGEL: What's that? SARAH: I shall marry you. SPIKE: ANGEL!? Ugh, that IS disgusting. ANGEL: You'll be mine? You'll give yourself to me every night.......and sometimes right after lunch? LANGLY: I think I'm going to puke. SPIKE: I think I'm gonna join Langly. SARAH: Yes, but only my body, you can never have my heart, my soul, or my mind. ANGEL: Oh yes, I can respect that. JARETH: I think I'm going to join Spike and Langly. RUFIO: This is kind'a sick. Is he really that desperate? CHRIS: Appears so. Yo ANGEL! YOU SUCK!!!! SPIKE: Sarah, come ON! I'm already dead! A hanging won't kill me, anyway! You were there in "The Vampire Mummy"! ANGEL: HA! Walk this way! (throws his head back and struts across thr field) SPIKE: (looks at the guards and shrugs) --They all imitate Angel's walk-- JAWAS: (parade behind them the same way, singing their "Dink-dink" song until they're out of sight-- GILES: Okay, that was different. Anyway, send word to one and all and all in one--my, that sounds stupid. PETER: What? GILES: Shut up! (turns back to the crowd) Tell them that before the day is over, we'll have a wedding, or a hanging...either way, we ought to have a lot of fun, 'ey? CROWD: (cheers loudly) BILLY: Man, we are grossly outnumbered. MUNGO: We need the Villagers. OZ: The Villagers aren't ready to fight. BILLY: We are choiceless. 'Ey, Blinkin, what's the fastest way to reach the Villagers? OZ: Why don't we Fox 'em? LUKE: FOX them!? MUNGO: Wha'evah. 'Ow do you do tha'? AUTHOR: (yells out) HEY!!! 12th Century FOX!!!!! SIR DIDYMUS: (riding Ambrosious) 'Scuse us, thankyou. LUKE: Oh, not HIM AGAIN!!! **See "Star Wars: The Spoof Strikes Back" Didymus=Yoda** DIDYMUS: If I might inquire, Sir Luke. Why is it thou art dressed as a maiden? LUKE: (glares) OZ: Now, Didymus, you take this straight to the villagers. DIDYMUS: Right. Ambrosious, forward! (rides off) BILLY: Now, let's get out of these ladies clothes and into our tights! SVEN: Oh, THAT made sense. AUTHOR: Haste tot he wedding! JOHN: How about the hanging? AUTHOR: WAKKO! WAKKO: (enters, wearing an eyepatch and a tee-shirt that says, "Born to hang people" on the back, and a picture of a dummy hanging from gallows on the front-) WILL: Weel, tha's a new one. SVEN: Gotta love them Warners. SPIKE: ( stands on the platform with his hands tied behind his back and a sign taped to his chest)\ BUFFY: Who did that? Snowcone Guy? AUTHOR: I told you he ain't in this spoof. XANDER: Then where... LUKE: (looks at the ceiling) Never did like that guy. BUFFY: (stands up, and pulls out a stake) Why waste a perfectly good opertunity? SPIKE: (backs away) AUTHOR: Buffy, SIT! He has to finish the spoof! BUFFY: But-- AUTHOR: I don't care if the sign DOES say "Stake me". Stake him later. Luke, lose the sign. LUKE: I didn't say I put it there, I just said I didn't like him. SVEN: So who put it there? MISTO: (slowly looks to the ceiling) AUTHOR: MISTO! MISTO: Mungo told me to! SPIKE: Is that so!? (glares at Mungo) MUNGO: I' was Teazah's idea. TEAZER: Was no'! JOHN: I don't care WHO'S idea it was! Get rid of it! MISTO: (causes the sign to vanish) SVEN: Great, the Tirade of Terror is back. AUTHOR: Hangman? WAKKO: Let's see, what are you about a sixteen, sixteen and a half? (holds up two nooses) SPIKE: It matters? WAKKO: (puts the noose around Spike's neck) SPIKE: It's a bit tight, mate. WAKKO: Well, DUH! What did you expect? DOT: And this guy was hung once before. WAKKO: Would you care for a blindfold? SPIKE: (shakes his head) WAKKO: How about half of one? (pulls up his eyepatch) SPIKE: (looks annoyed) Get lost, runt! DOT: Drop an anvil on him! AUTHOR: No anvils! THE WARNERS: (look hurt) AUTHOR: In this spoof. THE WARNERS: (grin widely) FROHIKE: I'm afraid to ask what that means. AUTHOR: (grins widely) You should be. FROHIKE: (to Mulder) She's scaring me. JOHN: The wedding! PETE: (As the Abbot--comes first down the aisle, followed by Angel and four guards) MISTO: Good morrow, Abbot. PETE: Good morrow. TEAZER: Welcome, Abbot. PETE: Good morrow. CHRIS: (shoots a spitball) MURDOC: (as himself) Hiya Pete, how's tricks? PETE: I hate that guy? --The wedding march plays--Giles and Sarah appear arm in arm--halfway down the aisle, Giles produces a remote control. He uses it to close the gate behind them--The mole has not moved as of yet--They step up to the alter and Sarah looks up to see the noose around Spike's neck-- SARAH: What's going on? ANGEL: Just in case you change your mind, my dear. PETE: I will conduct the opening prayer in English because Pig Latin sounds so stupid. JOHN: Interesting. PETE: Oh Lord, give us your blessings. Amen. WILL: Is tha' wha' tha' means? JOHN: Yep. ALL: Amen. PETE: We are gathered here today, to witness the marriage of Mervin, the Sheriff-- ALL: (snickering) PETE: Your name's MERVIN!? MULDER: Suddenly, I don't feel too bad. MACGYVER: Neither do I. ANGEL: My real name is ANGELUS, not MERVIN! PETE: Okay,.....Mervin. ALL: (hysterical laughter) SPIKE: (is laughing so hard, he's nearly hanging himself) PETE: Do you....(snicker) WOLVIE: MERVIN!!! ALL: (incoherent laughter) PETE: I can't do this! (laughing) SARAH: (is biting her lip to keep from laughing) AUTHOR: Just call him Angel. PETE: (clears throat) Do you, Angel, take Sarah to be your awful wedded wife? JARETH: "Awful?" PETE: It was in the script! AUTHOR: Misto! MISTO: It wasn't me! TEAZER: (holds up the whiteout) I' was ME! I's all 'er faul' I had to go through tha' stupid Labyrinth! PETE: (shrugs and continues) To have and to hold in sickness and in health, 'til death do you part? BUFFY: Isn't he already dead? PETE: Whatever. I just read it. ANGEL: Yes, I do, now get on with it! PETE: And do you, Sarah, vow to do all the stuff I just said to him? SARAH: I d--aren't they supposed to cut him down? ALL: (turn to look at Billy, Oz, and Mungo, who are absorbed in watching Luke use the Force to have two swords fight each other) AUTHOR: Murdoc? MURDOC: (fires the rocket launcher) --The two swords fall to the ground-- THE FOUR: (look up) LUKE: Huh? AUTHOR: One of you--Billy, has to cut him down! BILLY: I know you ain't trusting MY aim! SPIKE: I'm gonna die. DRU: You're already dead, too, luv. AUTHOR: Luke? LUKE: I'd PAY to see him hanged....AGAIN! OZ: Don't look at me, I'm playing a blind man. MUNGO: (sighs and throws his dagger--it misses Spike's ear by one inch) SCULLY: (stands up and draws her gun) Oh, for heaven's sake! (shoots the rope) RUFIO: All RIGHT! You the MAN! SCULLY: (gives a flat look) RUFIO: Well, sorta. AUTHOR: Sarah? SARAH: I do NOT! SPIKE: (unties himself) ANGEL: Arrest them, seize them, stop them! GILES: Hurt them, hurt them! YAKKO: The Villagers are coming! POUNCE: Give us catnip or DIE!!!! SVEN: Pounce has a one-track mind. WOLVIE: FIGHT!!!!! (snikt) Lemme at 'em!!!! SPIKE: (pulls off the noose) I believe this belongs to you. (holds it out to Wakko) WAKKO: Actually, it's just a prop. (throws it aside) VILLAGERS: (are fighting) WOLVIE: (is slicing and dicing) MAGNEATO: (is sword fighting several guards at once without touching the swords) LUKE: Showoff. (he, Oz, Mungo, and Billy have joined Spike on the platform) SPIKE: That FBI chick sure was a good shot. SCULLY: Actually, I was aiming for your nuts....my sights are off. SPIKE: (stares in horror) --Five guards come charging toward them-- SPIKE: On the count of jump.....wait for it.....JUMP! --The guards go by underneath them as they grab the beam above--The guards fall flat on their faces-- THE FIVE: (stand by, laughing) CYKE: How come we have to fight while they thtand up there, and laugh? AUTHOR: Boys? Try to pretend you're fighting up there! THE FIVE: (look at each other and shrug before they start fighting the guards) ANGEL: (to Sarah) I shall have you--married or NO! (picks her up and carries her away) JARETH: (glares) AUTHOR: (imitates a whip cracking) Down boy! She's still got "That ting". JARETH: (frowns, but motions for them to continue) VILLAGERS: (appear to be winning their fight) BILLY: (to Spike) The Sheriff! He got your woman, man! He's taking her to the tower! He's gonna deflower her in the tower....(makes a face) IN THE TOWER ***************** ANGEL: (locks the door) I'm sorry we don't have enough time for romance, my dear! (jumps on her) Consider this FOREPLAY! (yanks her dress open to reveal her chastity belt) GREAT! It's still there! I KNEW there was a catch to it! PLATFORM ***************** MUNGO: (to Luke) She's still wearin' 'er iron underwear, ain' she? LUKE: Most likely. TOWER ********************** ANGEL: (is using a jackhammer to try and get the belt off) MULDER: Desperate. BYERS: Desperate indeed. CHRIS: Not to mention pathetic. LANGLY: He's not even putting a dent in it. JACK B: I guess that's why they call it "Everlast". SPIKE: (breaks through the door) SARAH: 'Bout time! SPIKE: (pulls his sword) Prepare for the fight scene! ANGEL: (puts down the jackhammer) 'Scuse me while I kill Spikey. (jumps up and grabs his sword) EN GUARD! (vamps out) SPIKE: (does the same) Thanks for the warning! --The two engage in fighting--Spike, with an annoying smile, and Angel glaring. Their shadows are dark on the wall--They both look at them for a moment, then start fighting with hand shadows-- SCULLY: Is that in the script? AUTHOR: Stupid, but yes. MULDER: Mel Brooks, you gotta love him. --Angel's hand shadow defeats Spike's and the two of them continue fighting--Spike still with the annoying grin-- ANGEL: (pulls a dagger, which gets caught on the case around Spike's neck, causing it to go flying into a ceiling beam, where it breaks open) --The key falls down, landing in the lock on Sarah's chastity belt-- SPIKE: Well, it's the key to a great treasure, all right. SARAH: This means you've always been my one true love, because it's just the right size! ANGEL: It's not the size that counts, it's how you use it! SPIKE: Says you, Pee-Wee! ALL: (snickering) --They start fighting again and Spike punches Angel, who staggers and falls-- SARAH: (looks happy) SPIKE: (to his sword) Thankyou, my friend. (kisses it) ANGEL: Comes up behind him with a dagger) SARAH: (looks horrifies until Angel impales himself on Spike's sword) ANGEL: Not AGAIN!!!! First Buffy, now SPIKE!? I cannot escape these swords! SPIKE: Oh please, it's not as if it would actually kill you. WILLOW: (runs in) Oh, my beloved Angel!!! You've been run through! How do you feel? ANGEL: Like I could get up and run a marathon! How do you think I feel!? AUTHOR: Skip the Lifesaver. Angel isn't dying. Willow, just drag him away. WILLOW: (shrugs and drags Angel out the door, kicking and screaming) SPIKE: (picks up Sarah and places her on the bed) My darling....AT LAST! SARAH: Yes, yes, YES! SVEN: This is getting really sick. SPIKE: Tell me about it, I'm making mySELF sick. JENNY: (storms in) NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! You're not married! Before you do it, you must go through it. Or else I blew it. CHRIS: Did she run up all those stairs in that padding? SVEN: Apparently. SPIKE AND SARAH: (look at each other and shrug) AUTHOR: Back out for yet another wedding. CREEPY: Are we done yet? JOHN: You wish. AUTHOR: We're close. Back to Rabbi Tuckman! JOHN: They run up to a tent that has a big sign on the front that says, "Circumcisions: Special offer, HALF OFF." SPIKE: Ugh, on second thought, I'm leaving. GILES: (standing to the side, backs away slowly--the mole has moved to his forehead) AUTHOR: NOBODY is leaving! Now do your parts! SPIKE: (sighs) Hey RABBI! JACK: (pokes his head through the opening) Who's asking? SPIKE: We wish to get married in a hurry! JACK: Married in a hurry!? That's wonderful! I'm on my last customer, I'll be right out! --There is a noise of a guillotine, followed by a thunk and a high-pitched scream-- THE MEN: (look horrified) LANGLY: (jumps up, covers his mouth, and runs for the bathroom) SVEN: I knew that was coming. BYERS: Um....they didn't really DO that, did they? AUTHOR: Maybe. JOHN: Actually, we were just trying to see if we could get Langly to throw up again. AUTHOR: (in a sly tone) And it worked great, didn't it? FROHIKE: (is biting his lip, snickering) PENNY: (jumps up) That isn't very nice! (disappears into the bathroom after Langly) MURDOC: (glares and shrugs) Well, if THAT'S what it takes to get her attention, count me OUT! Is that how he NORMALLY acts? FROHIKE, BYERS AND MULDER: (look at each other) Yes. AUTHOR: Back tot he spoof, boys. Let's finish this! JACK: (comes out of the tent) Put a little ice on it, it'll be FINE! MURDOC: He's scaring me. MACGYVER: Me, too. NIKKI: Men. JACK: (approaches the alter) Married in a hurry, please invite me to the bris. Are you ready? SPIKE AND SARAH: (nod) JACK: Spike, do you? SPIKE: Yeh sure, mate. JACK: Sarah, do you? SARAH: Yeah, why not? JACK: I now pronounce you man and-- XAVIER: I object! JACK: Who asked!? MUNGO: I's King Xavier, back from the Crusades! GILES: Oh lovely. Aren't you from Star Trek? SVEN: No, how long have you been acting with him? X-Men! WILL: 'E looks loik King Richard to me. JOHN: Trust me, he isn't. XAVIER: You are no longer worthy to wear this sacred symbol of authority. (removes the crown from Giles' head and places it on his own) GILES: It wasn't my fault. The evil Author made me do it! AUTHOR: (coughing) Skitsnack, skitsnack. JOHN: We can do the toilet line. It doesn’t go. Please read the improvised version. XAVIER: I hearby decree that you will be forced to act in the next four spoofs to come!! You will NEVER leave!!!! GILES: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! XAVIER: Take him away. GUARDS: (drag Giles away, kicking and screaming) SVEN: Beautiful preformance! AUTHOR: No kiddin', give that man a spoof-Oscar! XAVIER: Spike, the news of your great deeds has reached me, even in Jerusalem. BUFFY: Great deeds? Spike? XANDER: The one WE know? NO! DAWN: Can't be the one we know. XAVIER: England owes you a great debt of gratitude. Henceforth, all your family's rights and land shall be returned to you, and you shall rule all Sherwood from this day forth! (pulls his sword) Kneel, Spike of Loxley. SPIKE: (frowns) Is he gonna stab me? AUTHOR: It's not in the script. SPIKE: (kneels) XAVIER: (touches Spike's left shoulder with the sword) Arise, Sir Spike of Loxley! BUFFY: Now THAT is frightening! JACK: Excuse me, sir. Why is it, if you like this guy so much, do you object to his marrying Maid Sarah? XAVIER: I have no objections, but I have not yet kissed the bride. It is a tradition, and my Royal right. SARAH: Do I have to kiss him? SVEN: You can't. He's not real. The real Charles Xavier can't walk. AUTHOR: STAND-IN!!! JARETH: (grins evilly and jumps up to give Sarah a passionate kiss on the lips) JACK: 'T's good ta be da King. SARAH: (stares in shock as Jareth returns to his seat) Wow. XAVIER: Now, you may marry them. SARAH: Wait, I've changed my mind! SPIKE: (turns to stare) What happened to 'just the right size?' AUTHOR: It isn't. ALL: (look at the Author) JARETH: (looks at the ceiling, humming and holds up another key) JOHN: His Majesty didn't trust Spike with the real key. SARAH: (grins and jumps into Jareth's lap) JARETH: (scoops her up, and they ride away together on a horse) SCULLY: I think that was just the strangest version of Robin Hood I ever saw. AUTHOR: We try. SPIKE: (shrugs) For my first order of business, I wish to appoint a new Sheriff of Rottingham. My friend, Ahchoo. ALL: Bless you. CROWD: A BLACK Sheriff!? BILLY: Why not? It worked in "Blazing Saddles", which I actually saw, by the way. It was good. OZ: He's BLACK!? SVEN: Well, DUH! AUTHOR: Rappers! --Frank, Jesse, Ahchoo, and Rufio take their places-- FRANK: So that's the story and it worked out good. It worked out better than we though it would. But us characters, man, we still live in fear, to know we're comin' back for "The Three Musketeers!" I said Hey! RAPPERS: HEY! FRANK: I said Hey! RAPPERS: HEY! FRANK: I said -- RAPPERS: Hey, nanni-nanni, hey nanni-nanni, hey nanni-nanni and WE ARE DONE! AFTER THE SPOOF ***************************** CASSI: Aren't they cute? NIKKI: I think I'm going to die laughing. LEIA: YOU'RE going to die laughing? That's my brother and my husband up there! LANGLY: Actually, I was watching Frohike. So much for 'El Lobo'. SVEN: Who? AUTHOR: Don't ask. SCULLY: I don't see why Langly gets out of it. CASSI: I decided we tortured him enough. Besides, I'm sure he'll get more as we go. BUFFY: I never thought I would ever see Spike, Giles, Xander, and Angel do the Can-Can together. Dot, copy the film. WILLOW: Oz is still acting like he can't see. CASSI: Ooops. SVEN: Is he still blind? PENNY: You're kidding. I thought he was faking that! --The guys finish the dance-- ALL WOMEN AND LANGLY: (give a standing ovation) FROHIKE: I'm really not liking this Author, CASSI: You shouldn't say such things. FROHIKE: Why not? CASSI: I'll show the video to Yves and Jimmy! BYERS: (looks mortified) You WOULDN'T! SPIKE: Believe me, mate, she would. CASSI: (stands on her chair) Okay, boys....and women. I said I casted the next four spoofs! I won't tell you their titles except that the next one is "The Three Musketeers". I'll name the starring characters for the other three! Good guys and bad guys! Spoof number two...the one after the Musketeers....the good guys are Miss Nikki Carpenter! NIKKI: (stares) CASSI: And Mr. Richard Langly! --Langly's face turns white and he looks sick-- JOHN: The bad guys are Ardeth Bay and Rupert Giles! SPIKE: Ardeth Bay is coming BACK!? CASSI: (grins) SPIKE: (looks at Langly) I'm sorry. LANGLY: Who is Ardeth Bay? BUFFY: Kind'a like the Knights of Hack and Slash. CASSI: But totally gorgeous, anyway, spoof number three! JOHN: The good guys are Agent Fox Mulder and Miss Penny Parker! PENNY: I got a star role!!! (hugs MacGyver) CASSI: And the bad guys are Mr. John Byers-- BYERS: (looks stunned) CASSI: And Mr. Han Solo. HAN: (shakes Byers' hand) Nice to meet you. LANGLY: He gets to work with Han Solo? That is so unfair. CASSI: Spoof number four! (grins evilly) The good guys are Mr. Melvin Frohike and Agent Dana Scully! SCULLY: (stares in shock) MULDER: (Stifles a laugh) FROHIKE: (looks happy at first, then suspicious) Why do I get the feeling this isn't a good thing? RUFIO: Honestly, I have no idea. AUTHOR: (gives him a LOOK) FROHIKE: Now, I'm afraid. JOHN: And the bad guys are Mr. Ardeth Bay and Mr. Jack Dalton! BYERS: This Ardeth Bay sure does get around. CHRIS: Only because the Author thinks he's hot. CASSI: No comment. **no comment means yes** JOHN: Thankyou everyone for showing up and for your performances....WE ARE DONE!!! OZ: Can I get my sight back now? CASSI: Ummm.....yeah, and John, get that wolf an Oscar!!!!! THE END