"THE VAMPIRE MUMMY" BY CASSI (evilspoofauthor2) ****************************************************************** DISCLAIMER** CHARACTERS BORROWED FROM AS FOLLOWS: The Motion Pictures--"The Mummy" (duh), "Hook", The "Star Wars" Trilogy, and "Labyrinth", The Series' "MacGyver", "Angel","Buffy, the Vampire Slayer, and "Animaniacs", the musical, "CATS", and "X-Men" comics. REFERENCES TO AS FOLLOWS: "Dot, the Vampire Slayer", by Cassi, The "Star Wars" spoofs, by Sven, and the "Cinderella" spoof, by Sven--*unfinished and will not be posted* CHARACTERS BY CASSI: Bob, the Bobcat. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CAST SHEET (in order of appearence) *************************************************** NARRATOR//ARDETH BAY.........................Murdoc (MACGYVER) IMHOTEP//MUMMY......................................Angel (ANGEL) ANCK-SU-NAMUN.........................................Drusilla (BUFFY) PHARAOH//THE KING...................................Kurt Wagner "Nightcrawler" (X-MEN) RICK O'CONNEL..............................................Spike (BUFFY) BENI....................................................................Rufio (HOOK) EVELYN CARNAHAN....................................Buffy Summers (BUFFY) CURATOR (DR. BEY).....................................Rupert Giles (BUFFY) JONATHAN CARNAHAN............................Xander Harris (BUFFY) WARDEN..........................................................Peter Banning (HOOK) MED-JAI WITH THE HOOK.........................James Hook (HOOK) DANIELS...........................................................Han Solo (STAR WARS) HENDERSON....................................................Luke Skywalker (STAR WARS) BURNS...............................................................Scott Summers "Cyclops" (X-MEN) EGYPTOLOGIST...............................................Angus MacGyver (MACGYVER) VARIOUS MED-JAI........................................Assassin friends of Murdoc WINSTON.........................................................Jack Dalton (MACGYVER) VARIOUS MUMMIES....................................Vampires and actual mummies. PEANUT GALLERY ***************** Sven (Author's sister), Ardeth Bay (The Mummy), Jack Banning (Hook), Sarah Williams (Labyrinth), Jareth (Labyrinth), The Warners (Animaniacs), Penny Parker (MacGyver), Nikki Carpenter (MacGyver), Mr. Mistoffelees (CAT), Pouncival (CAT), and Macavity (CAT). MEDICAL STAFF: Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer (CATS) SPECIAL APPEARENCES BY ************************** Storm (X-Men), The Snowcone Guy from the "Star Wars" spoofs, the Jawa "Dink-dinks", also of the "Star Wars" spoofs, and The Abominable Snowman from Looney Toons!!! CAMERA CAT: Bob (By Cassi) ******************************************************************** BEFORE THE SPOOF **************** SARAH: Where's the X-Babies? AUTHOR: We decided to have them skip this one. Besides, it's a little grown up for them anyway. ANGEL: What about them? (points at the Warners) AUTHOR: They insisted. ARDETH BAY: Why does "Imhotep" have hair? AUTHOR: Because "Imhotep" refused to shave his head. Any other questions? SPIKE: Angel and I are going to fry. SVEN: No you won't. We're going to give you a shot of "genetic sunblock". It'll wear off after the spoof. AUTHOR: Anything else? HAN: (reading the cast) Snowcone Guy's in this? AUTHOR: I liked his ideas. SPIKE: I'm afraid to ask. SVEN: Then don't. PETER: How violent is this going to be? AUTHOR: Nothing major. A few killings, people getting eaten by Labyrinth fairies....you get the point. ARDETH: Eaten by WHAT!? JARETH: Fairies. AUTHOR: Sven and I thought scarabs were too common, so we made it interesting. ARDETH: (shrugs, but remains silent) AUTHOR: Okay, everyone...PLACES! THE SPOOF ****************** MURDOC: Thebes, City of the Living. Crown jewel of Pharaoh Nightcrawler the First. WAGNER: (enters--his hair has been slicked back in an "Elvis-style", and he carries a microphone instead of a scepter) ARDETH: (stares) I don't remember that. SVEN: Cassi's seen "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" a few dozen times. She has a picture of that Pharaoh on her wall. AUTHOR: Well, he's cute. Back to the spoof. MURDOC: (continues) Home of Angel, Pharaoh's high priest. ANGEL: (enters, wearing an "Egyptian" loincloth) DOT: Hellooooo, NURSE!!! ANGEL: Aren't you still with Spike? SPIKE: We have an open relationship. MURDOC: (continues) Birthplace of Drusilla, Pharaoh's mistress. No other man was allowed to touch her. DRUSILLA: (enters, dressed as Anck-su-namun) SPIKE, YAKKO AND WAKKO: Helloooo, NURSE!!! DRU: (grins with glee, as she approaches Angel) MURDOC: But fot their love, they were willing to risk life itself. ANGEL: Do I have to? AUTHOR: Yes. ANGEL AND DRU: (kiss) --Then Kurt breaks into the room, and walks up to Dru. Angel has hidden.-- WAGNER: I don't speak Egyptian. SVEN: Say it in English. WAGNER: Who has touched you?! ANGEL: (snatches Kurt's sword) WAGNER: Angel!? My priest!? --Before they can kill him, there is a loud "bamf", and a smell of brimstone, as Kurt reappears in the Peanut Gallery next to Ardeth, who covers his nose.-- ANGEL: Not fair. We didn't get to kill him. AUTHOR: Leave my Fuzzy Blue Elvis-Pharaoh alone. Back to the story. --There is a slam at the door-- VAMPIRE: The Med-jai! DRU: You must go! Save yourself! ANGEL: (turns to leave) Okay. AUTHOR: You still have to resurrect her, you know. ANGEL: Damn. SVEN: Watch your mouth! --Angel and his priests leave--the "Med-jai" assassins break down the door-- DRU: My body is NOT his temple!! (stabs herself) SVEN: She's a little.....into character. AUTHOR: That's Dru. Obsessive behavior is her specialty. BUFFY: We know. SPIKE: (elbows her) BUFFY: (shoves him off his chair) SVEN: HEY! Can we continue the spoof here? MURDOC: To resurrect Drusilla, Angel and his priests broke into her crypt and stole her body. They raced deep into the de-- wait a minute..."dessert"? Is that a typo? AUTHOR: Nope, we're calling it the "Sarah Dessert". Now please continue. ARDETH: (gives the Author a funny look, but remains silent) MURDOC: They raced deep into the dessert, taking Drusilla's corpse to Hamunaptra, City of the Dead, and resting place for the wealth of Egypt. MUNGO: I loike this place. SVEN: Quiet, he's not done. MURDOC: For his love, Angel dared the gods' anger by going deep into the city, where he took the black Book of the Dead from its holy resting place...... ANGEL: (standing over Drusilla) Um....this isn't the Book of the Dead. (he is holding up a book that resembles the Book of the Dead, but says "Assassinations Weekly" on the cover) SVEN: Where did he get that? (looks at the Author) I didn't know you had another one. AUTHOR: Mister Med-jai, here, wouldn't let us use the real one--something about not wanting the book in the hands of insane people-- anyway, we had to make our own. ANGEL: (shrugs) Okay, it's not as if she's actually dead. DRU: I hea'd tha'. SVEN: Quiet, you're dead. ARDETH: How is she not dead? AUTHOR: The knife wasn't made of wood. Murdoc, go on. MURDOC: Where was I? SVEN: Book of the Dead. MURDOC: Right. (finds his place) Drusilla's soul had been sent to the Dark underworld, her vital organs removed, and placed in five sacred canobic jars.... BOB: (centers the camera on Dru, who is laying on the table behind the jars) SPIKE: What is that? ANGEL: (looks at the tag hanging off her toe) That's a new one. KEVIN: (enters, gives a cheesy grin, and exits) SPIKE: What's it say? ANGEL: "Some assembly required." DRU: (sits up) 'Ey! ALL: (laughter) AUTHOR: Dru, lay down. You're dead, remember? Murdoc? MURDOC: Drusilla's soul had come back from the dead, but Pharaoh's assassins had followed Angel and stopped him before the ritual could be completed. ANGEL: Figures. And she could have had a soul, too. SPIKE: That WOULD be scary. As if Angel wasn't bad enough. MURDOC: Angel's priests were condemned to be mummified alive. RUFIO: Punishments sure were harsh here. MURDOC: As for Angel, he was condemned to endure the HOM-DAI. The worst of all ancient curses. One so horrible, it had never before been bestowed. ANGEL: Well, that's special. What exactly happens to me? ARDETH: You get your tongue cut out, they wrap you up, put you in a sarcophagus, and then you get eaten alive by scarabs. SVEN: Labyrinth fairies. ARDETH: Whatever. SPIKE: Can I watch? AUTHOR: NO! Get back to your place. SPIKE: (walks off, grumbling) ANGEL: You're not actually going to DO that, are you? MURDOC: They made me loose my bloody ARM!! Take it like a man! --Angel loses his tongue, and is soon stuck in the sarcophagus with the fairies-- MURDOC: He was to remain sealed inside his sarcophagus, the undead for all eternity. The Med-jai would never allow him to be released, for he would arise a walking disease, a plague upon mankind, an unholy flesh-eater, with the strength of ages, power over the sands, an-- ALL: We GET the point!!! MURDOC: I read it, I don't write it......For three thousand years, man and armies fought over this land, not knowing what evil lay beneath it. --We cut to two armies duking it out over the dessert. Spike and Rufio are in the lead of one -- MURDOC: And for three thousand years, we, the Med-jai, the decedents of Pharaoh's sacred Assassins, kept watch. AUTHOR: Okay, end narration. Spike, go for it!! The guy in charge just ran off! RUFIO: You just got promoted. SPIKE: You're with me on this, right? RUFIO: Oh, your strength gives me strength.--which probably explains why I go running in the opposite direction. SPIKE: What's that supposed to mean---MATE? AUTHOR: Excuse me, boys, but you ARE in the middle of a war here. RUFIO: (runs off) SPIKE: Figures. (holds up his gun) AUTHOR: Okay, shots fired, and Spike runs out of ammo. He runs for the door to-- whatever it's the door to--and Rufio shuts it in front of him. Spike now runs in the other direction, and stops in front of that funny statue with the dog-head.-- ARDETH: Anubis. AUTHOR: Whatever. Anyway, the horses of the other guys get freaked out and they run away, leaving Spike alive. SPIKE: (turns to Anubis) Thankyou, Angel. --The sand shifts around the vampire, giving way to a large face-- SPIKE: That isn't Angel! (runs off) SVEN: Nice job, Jar!! JARETH: (grins) Thankyou!! TOP OF THE CLIFF, OVERLOOKING THE CITY ***************************************** SPIKE: (looks up to see several horses with men on them) MURDOC: (on the lead horse--now in full costume, tattoos and all) PENNY: He looks good. MACGYVER: (stares at her like she's insane) MURDOC: The creature remains undiscovered. ASSASSIN#1: And what of this one? ASSASSIN#2: Should we kill him? MURDOC: Why? The Sarah Dessert can do that. In fact, if he gets lost, the sun will reduce him to ashes, anyway. AUTHOR: Script! SPIKE: Scene's over, luv, does it matter? It's Buffy's turn to trash the library. CAIRO, EGYPT--MUSEUM OF ANTIQUITIES ************************************** BUFFY: I have no idea where these books go, you know. AUTHOR: That's not the point. You're supposed to trash the place. SPIKE: Knock the bookshelf over, Slayer! BUFFY: (looks up at it) How? SVEN: Evelyn did it, you can do it, besides, don't you have super strength? BUFFY: (stands there, staring at it) HAN: Oh, for crying out loud! (walks in with MacGyver and Luke) --The three of them push the bookshelf over, causing a chain-reaction that knocks over every bookshelf in the room-- BUFFY: (stares in shock) HAN: THAT is how you trash a library, Sweetheart! (the three walk back to their seats) GILES: (comes in and stares in shock) LOOK at this!! Sons of the PHARAOHS!!! Give me frogs, flies, locusts!!! Anything but YOU!!!! Compared to you, the other plagues were a JOY!!! SVEN: He's a little into character, isn't he? XANDER: It's a library. He gets that way around books. BUFFY: I didn't DO it! AUTHOR: Script! BUFFY: (glares) It was an accident. GILES: When Ramesses destroyed Syria--THAT was an accident! YOU are a catastrophe!! Why do I put up with you? BUFFY: I suppose the fact that I'm the Slayer and you're the Watcher doesn't count, right? GILES: I put up with you because your mother and father were our finest patrons! Now, I don't care how you do it, and I don't care how long it takes....Straighten up this MESS! (storms out) BUFFY: What just happened here? SVEN: Giles pulled a great acting job! MURDOC: He can't have MY Oscar! DOT: Mine either. AUTHOR: He can have his own, anyway, Buffy goes to the other room, after hearing a noise.......... BUFFY: Hello? (reads the script) Who are Abdul, Mohammed, and Bob? AUTHOR: Not a clue. They never showed up. Just go find Xander. WAKKO: Bob's the cameracat. BOB: (waves) AUTHOR: Just follow the script. BUFFY: (walks up to an open sarcophagus, and looks in) --A mummy jumps up out of it-- BUFFY: (screams and stakes it) SPIKE: (falls over, laughing) Too bad it WASN'T Xander. PEANUT GALLERY: (hysterical laughter, except Ardeth Bay, who is struggling to keep a straight face) XANDER: (stares in shock) BUFFY: (recovers) Have you no respect for the dead? SPIKE: Like YOU do! Look what you just did to a MUSEUM mummy! ALL: (laughing) BUFFY: I have plenty of respect for the dead.....as long as they don't jump up and attack me! ARDETH: She does this often? SPIKE: All the time. AUTHOR: STORY! XANDER: (sits up) Sometimes, I wish to join them! SPIKE: I can arrange that! SVEN: No you can't, oh impotent one! SPIKE: (jumps out his seat to attack, but is caught by Ardeth, who throws him up against the wall, holding a knife to his throat) BLOODY HELL!!!! Get 'im OFF!!! ALL: (too busy watching) ARDETH: Now apologize. SPIKE: WHAT!? No bloody WAY! She started it, and that won't kill me anyway! ARDETH: You die from decapitation, yes? AUTHOR: Wait! Don't kill him! He's one of the stars! ARDETH: Apologize. SPIKE: Okay! I'm sorry! ARDETH: (drops Spike, who runs off set) Better. (takes his seat) AUTHOR: Anyone else disobeying? ALL: (silence) AUTHOR: Just checking. Buffy and Xander, please continue. BUFFY: (finds her place) Well, I wish you'd do it sooner rather than later, before you ruin my career the way you ruined yours. MUNGO: Assumin' you didn' already do tha' in the loibrary. BUFFY: I didn't DO that! HAN: (stands up) I did it!!!! (takes a bow) XANDER: My dear sweet baby sister! I'll have you know my career is on a high note! BUFFY: High note,-- HA! Oh Xander, please! I'm not in the mood for this! There is a bit of a mess in the library, and the Bembridge schollars have rejected my application again-- They say I don't have enough experience in the field.-- MURDOC: All that slaying, and see what credit she gets. It's a conspiracy, that's wha' it is. PEANUT GALLERY: (snickers) XANDER: You'll always have me, Old Mum. Besides, I have just the thing to cheer you up! BUFFY: Oh not another worthless trinket. Xander, if I have to bring one more piece of junk to the Curator to try and sell for you......(trails off as she sees what Xander is holding up) SVEN: Well, at least THAT is the real thing! AUTHOR: Courtesy of Mister Med-jai. ARDETH: (nods) BUFFY: Where did you get this? XANDER: We already established that. It's his. (points at Ardeth) AUTHOR: Script! XANDER: On a dig down in Thieves. SVEN: Appropriate name, considering he stole it. ARDETH: Thebes. XANDER: Whatever. My whole life, I've never found anything, Buf. Please tell me I've found something. BUFFY: (messes with the 'box', which comes open in her hands, spraying her with little magic 'snakes') XANDER: (jumps back) BUFFY: What the-- AUTHOR: Who gave Kevin the key? ARDETH: He said he'd make sure it got to them. (points at Buffy and Xander) PEANUT GALLERY: (total hysteria) AUTHOR: Kevin, they need the map! KEVIN: What do you think the snakes are made out of? PEANUT GALLERY: (incoherent laughter) AUTHOR: (sighs) Okay, since they don't have the map, they'll have to skip the scene with Giles. GILES: Not fair! ARDETH: (gets up, and hands Buffy the map) KEVIN: (laughing) AUTHOR: Not funny. KEVIN: He's gonna burn it anyway. XANDER: So what's the point of having it? SVEN: He only burns off part of it, dummy! AUTHOR: Okay, next scene! Giles, pretend you're a pyromaniac! GILES' OFFICE *************** GILES: (looking at the map) BUFFY: See the cartouche there. It's the official royal seal of Pharaoh Nightcrawler the First. I'm sure of it. XANDER: Two questions: Who was Nightcrawler the First, and was he rich? SCOTT: I could say something here, but I won't. WAGNER: I vouldn't if I vere you. SVEN: Probably a good idea. BUFFY: How would I know if he's rich? He wasn't a REAL Pharaoh! AUTHOR: SCRIPT! BUFFY: (looks it up) He was the second Pharaoh of the Nineteenth Dynasty....said to be the wealthiest of them all. RUFIO: Hey! He really WAS the KING! WAGNER: (smiles and bows) XANDER: That's good, I really like this fellow. MACAVITY: Ewww. XANDER: Not like that. WAGNER: That's disgusting. AUTHOR: We won't touch that, back to the script! BUFFY: I've already dated the map. It's at least three thousand years old, and if you look at this funny thing here, that's Hamunaptra. GILES: (looks nervous) My dear girl, don't be ridiculous. We are scholars, not treasure hunters. Hamunaptra's a myth. XANDER: Are we talking about THE Hamunaptra? BUFFY: Yes, the City of the Dead. Where the earliest Pharaohs were said to have hidden the wealth of Egypt. MURDOC: Even money says she never heard of it before she read the script. MACGYVER: Easy bet. XANDER: Right in a big underground treasure chamber. Everybody knows the story. The entire place was rigged to sink into the sand. On Pharaoh's command, a flick of a switch, and the whole thing would disappear beneath the sand dunes. GILES: (holds the map closer to the candle-light) As the Americans would say, it's all fairy tales and hokum--Oh my Goodness! (the map catches fire, and Giles throws it to the floor) BUFFY AND XANDER: (quickly put it out) XANDER: You burnt it! You burnt off the part with the lost city! MUNGO: To'ally acciden'al, we're sure. GILES: It's for the best, I'm sure. Many men have wasted their lives in foolish pursuit of Hamunaptra. No one has ever found it. Most have never returned. HAN: Mainly because Mister Med-jai over there, killed them all, right? ARDETH: (smiles) Right. XANDER: (to Giles) You killed my map! SVEN: I don't remember that in the movie. AUTHOR: It was in the script. I thought it was cute. On to prison! SVEN: Umm...where's Spike? SARAH: He's locked in the bathroom, and won't come out. AUTHOR: Oyyy. PETER: We DO need him. XANDER: (walks up to the bathroom and knocks on the door) Hey Spike! Come on out! We have to hang you now! JACK D: Oh yeah, that'll get him out faster. AUTHOR: (walks up to the door) Spike, you have to come out now! SPIKE: Sod off! Not with that maniac out there! I can't even hit him back! ARDETH: What do you mean? AUTHOR: Government chip...head....Buffy can explain. He couldn't have hit Sven either. BUFFY: Not without a huge headache, anyway. AUTHOR: Spike, come on! (bangs on the door again) Ardeth says he won't do it again! He didn't know about the chip! SPIKE: Bullocks! ARDETH: It's true! Come out and I will leave you alone. SPIKE: How do I know that? AUTHOR: If he does it without a good reason, Jareth will give him bunny ears and we'll all call Abominable! ARDETH: Who? LUKE: You don't wanna know, trust me. SPIKE: (opens the door and looks suspiciously at Ardeth, who holds up his hands in surrender) AUTHOR: Now go change your clothes. SPIKE: (exits) AUTHOR: Okay, pressure's off, on to prison! CAIRO PRISON ******************* PETER: Come come, step over za thresh-hold! RUFIO: (stares) He's good....who knew? JACK B: I've seen him do it at home a few times. HOOK: And we missed it? How rude. AUTHOR: Maybe if you weren't obsessing on killing him.... MACGYVER: He does that too? (looks at Peter) I know how you feel. MURDOC: (rolls his eyes) Can we get on with this? AUTHOR: Buffy and Xander....argue. BUFFY: You told me you found it in Thebes. XANDER: I was mistaken. BUFFY: You lied to me. XANDER: I lie to everybody. What makes you so special? BUFFY: I am your sister. XANDER: Yes, well that just makes you more gullible. JACK B: Amen. PETER: Watch it, young man. BUFFY: You stole it from a drunk at the local Casbah. XANDER: Picked his pocket, actually-- BUFFY: What exactly is this man in prison for? PETER: Well, this I did not know. But when I heard you were coming, asked him that myself. BUFFY: And what did he say? PETER: He said he was just looking for a good time. BUFFY: Yeah, that's Spike, alright. --Two guards drag Spike up to the bars--He now has adapted the"Homeless look"-- BUFFY: This is the man you stole it from? SPIKE: (to Xander) Who are you? And who's the broad? BUFFY: (stares openmouthed) BROAD!? Come on out here and say that to my face! PEANUT GALLERY: ( laughter) XANDER: This is my sister, Buffy. SPIKE: (gives her a once-over) Yeah? Well, I guess she's not a total loss. BUFFY: (glares) PETER: I'll be back in a minute. (runs to check on another prisoner) BUFFY: We, uh, found your puzzle box, and we've come to ask you about it. SPIKE: I had nothing to do with the snakes. AUTHOR: Script! SPIKE: (shrugs) No. BUFFY: No? SPIKE: No...you came to ask me about Hamunaptra. BUFFY: How do you know that the box pertains to Hamunaptra? SPIKE: Because that's where I was when I found it. I was there. XANDER: How do we know that's not a load of pig-swallow? SPIKE: Don't I know you? XANDER: Um...well, no. I'm just one of those faces--(trails off as Spike decks him through the bars) SPIKE: (grabs his head) Bloody Hell! SVEN: (looks at Ardeth) Told ya' so. ARDETH: (watches, interested) AUTHOR: Saves the guard the trouble of clubbing him. BUFFY: (steps over Xander) So you were actually at Hamunaptra? SPIKE: Yeh, I was there. BUFFY: You swear? SPIKE: Every damn day. BUFFY: (flat look) Not funny. SPIKE: I was there, alright. Nightcrawler's place...City of the Dead... BUFFY: (leans closer) Could you tell me how to get there? The exact location? SPIKE: You wanna know? BUFFY: Yes. SPIKE: You really wanna know? (motions for her to come closer) BUFFY: Why do I not like how this is going? SPIKE: (grabs her through the bars, and kisses her on the mouth) Then get me the bloody hell out of here! BUFFY: Oh YUCK! Why wasn't that in MY script! AUTHOR: We knew you wouldn't like it. GUARDS: (drag Spike away) BUFFY: (to Peter, who has just returned) Where are they taking him? PETER: To be hanged. Apparently, he had a VERY good time. AUTHOR: Okay, let's hang Spike. COURTYARD ************** ALL CAST AND PEANUT GALLERY: (lean forward) DRU: Too bad Angel's locked up. BUFFY: (sits next to Peter in the balcony) --A noose is put around Spike's neck-- BUFFY: I will give you one hundred pounds to save this man's life. PETER: I would PAY one hundred pounds just to see him hanged. BUFFY: Two hundred pounds. PETER: Proceed. BUFFY: Three hundred pounds. HANGMAN: Any last requests, pig? SPIKE: Yeh, loosen the knot and let me go. HANGMAN: (not amused--grabs the trap-door handle) BUFFY: Five hundred pounds! PETER: (sets a hand on her leg) And what else? JACK B: Ewww! DAD!! That's SICK! I'm telling MOM! HOOK: (incoherent laughter) --Just as the hangman is pulling the lever, a line of Jawa "Dink-Dinks" march by, singing and dancing to the Can-Can.-- ALL CAST NOT FAMILIAR WITH THE STAR WARS SPOOFS: Huh? AUTHOR: (grins) ARDETH: What are THOSE!? SVEN: Aliens! Welcome to Disney Land! ALL: (incoherent laughter, except Spike, who is strangling at the end of the rope) PETER: (snaps back to the spoof) His neck did not break! Now we must watch him strangle to death! BUFFY: He knows the location to Hamunaptra. PETER: You lie! BUFFY: I would NEVER! XANDER: Sure. PETER: Are you saying this filthy, godless, son of a pig knows where to find the City of the Dead? Truely? BUFFY: Yes. And if you cut him down, we will give you......ten percent! PETER: Fifty. BUFFY: Twenty. PETER: Forty. JACK B: They're up there, bargaining? He's DYING!!! BUFFY: Oh please. It's not as if he actually needs to breath. SPIKE: (in a strained voice) Jus' for that, maybe I won' take you there! AUTHOR: Twenty-five percent, now cut him down, you've all had your fun. Dot, copy the pictures! DOT: (puts away her camera) Okay. HANGMAN: (cuts Spike down) AUTHOR: Now, while Spike recovers, next section! GIZA PORT *************** BUFFY: Do you really think he'll show up? SVEN: He has a crush on you and you just saved his neck. BUFFY: I did not! He's a vampire! That wouldn’t have killed him! AUTHOR: Xander, your line! XANDER: I know the breed. Vampire. I wouldn't trust him. AUTHOR: Ahem. BUFFY: (smiles) Personally, I think he's filthy, rude, and a complete scoundrel. I don't like him one bit. SPIKE: Anyone I know? --He has cleaned up, and is now dressed as his normal self, minus his trench coat, that the Author is wearing.-- BUFFY: Is he allowed to dress like that? AUTHOR: Yes. XANDER: That doesn't seem fair. AUTHOR: (smiles) He bribed me. (holds the coat open) It fits great! SPIKE: Only for the next two spoofs! AUTHOR: You won't need it for the next one anyway! RUFIO: What's next? AUTHOR: I'm gonna surprise you. SPIKE: (looks at Buffy) She's scaring me. AUTHOR: Now continue. Xander? XANDER: Smashing day to start an adventure, 'ey, Spike? SPIKE: Try robbing me again, and the hand comes off at the wrist, Bug Boy! BUFFY: Okay Spike, can you look me in the eye and guarantee me this isn't all some sort of joke? Because if it is-- SPIKE: You'll jam a stake through my heart, I know, I know. AUTHOR: Script! SPIKE: My whole garrison believed in that city so much, that, without orders, they marched halfway across Libya and into Egypt to find it. And when we got there, all we found was sand and blood--it was great, I drank my fill. Let me get your bags. (grabs her bags and boards the boat) ARDETH: (stares) Huh? AUTHOR: Vampires. PENNY: Ew. XANDER: You're right. Filthy, rude, a complete scoundrel. Nothing to like there at all. PETER: A bright good morning to all. BUFFY: What are you doing here? PETER: What? Did you really think I would spare his life, and just let you all go out to the desert and get rich without me? Get real! (boards the boat) SVEN: Well, that was different. JACK B: That's my Dad. AUTHOR: On board the boat, Xander is playing Poker with Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, Scott Summers, and MacGyver. MURDOC: He's gonna lose. SVEN: At least he's not playng Spike and Yakko. He'd lose a lot faster. SPIKE: (glares) YAKKO: (Takes a bow) PENNY: Huh? AUTHOR: Spike won Cloud City from Lando in a Sabaak game. SVEN: But then Yakko won it from him. PETER: Interesting. XANDER: Sit down, Spike. We could always use another player. HAN: No we couldn't. LUKE: Not him, anyway. SPIKE: I only gamble with my life, never my money. BUFFY: Some gamble. SPIKE: Sod off. HAN: I'm not making this bet. We all know he wins. AUTHOR: Okay, fine, continue. SPIKE: You're going to Hamunaptra? LUKE: You bet. SPIKE: And who says we are? MACGYVER: The script, for one, and he does for another. (points at Xander) SPIKE: Figures. SVEN: Oh please. It's not like it's a big secret. AUTHOR: Skip the rest, and go to where Buffy is reading out on deck. SPIKE: Buffy reads? BUFFY: (waves a stake) Ahem. SPIKE: (drops his weapons sack on the table in front of her) BUFFY: That's rude, you know. SPIKE: It's also in the script, luv. AUTHOR: He has a point. Continue. SPIKE: Didn't mean to scare you. BUFFY: The only thing that scares me is your manners, SPIKE. SPIKE: Still angry about that kiss, huh? BUFFY: (smirks) If you call THAT a kiss. RUFIO: Angel would've loved that one. JARETH: Pity. SPIKE: (ignores them and opens his bag, which contains a small arsenal of guns, several knives, a load of dynamite, and an elephant rifle) BUFFY: Where did you get that? SPIKE: (points at Murdoc, currently sitting in the Peanut Gallery) MURDOC: (looks innocently at the ceiling) MACGYVER: (to Author) You're letting an unstable vampire run around with an arsenal provided by Murdoc? AUTHOR: (shrugs) It's in the script. SPIKE: I am NOT unstable. BUFFY: Whatever you say. AUTHOR: Can we please continue? SPIKE: There's something out there, under the sand. DOT: Angel! SVEN: Shut up! BUFFY: I'm hoping to find a certain artifact....a book.... SPIKE: There's a first. BUFFY: (smacks him) What do you think is out there? SPIKE: In a word? Evil. MUNGO: The evil Angel. DRU: (smacks him) Tha's Angelus. MUNGO: Wha'ever. BUFFY: (holding up her script) She doesn't believe in curses and mummies!? HELLO! And you called ME a ditz! I've seen enough walking dead to know better! SVEN: No kiddin', you slept with one. AUTHOR: And almost married another. BUFFY: Rub it in. SVEN: We try. AUTHOR: Okay, she wants the gold book of Amun-Ra....Living for the dummies. Now Buffy, script! BUFFY: By the way. Why did you kiss me? SVEN: He takes it any way he can get it. SPIKE: (glares at Sven) I don't know. I was about to be hanged. Seemed like a good idea at the time. BUFFY: (smacks him, and storms off) SPIKE: What? It was in the script! BUFFY: So I ad-libbed to mine a bit! SPIKE: Show off! BUFFY: Jerk. RUFIO: Come on, man, hit her back! AUTHOR: Tell her she looks like Britney Spears. MURDOC: Who!? AUTHOR: What do you, live under a ROCK!? That freaky chick is EVERYwhere! SVEN: Are there any places for sale under your rock? BUFFY: I do NOT look like Britney Spears. PENNY: She's not that bad. RUFIO: You need therapy. AUTHOR: Can we continue now? SPIKE: (pulls Rufio out of his hiding place) Well, if it isn't my little buddy, Rufio! I think I'll kill you. RUFIO: Hello! Headache? Nice try, Dead Guy. SPIKE: So you're the one leading the other guys. I might have known. What's the scam? You take them out there, and then you leave them? RUFIO: Do I look like I get paid? AUTHOR: Ahem. RUFIO: You never believed in Hamunaptra. Why are you going back? SPIKE: Author made me, same as you. AUTHOR: SCRIPT!!! SPIKE: (rolls his eyes) Okay, fine! The Slayer saved my neck. RUFIO: You always did have more balls then brains. SPIKE: (shrugs) Goodbye, Rufio. (throws him overboard) --No splash is heard-- BUFFY: Wait a second. RUFIO: (flies back up) I come from Neverland, remember? AUTHOR: Yeah, yeah. Go sit down. RUFIO: (takes his seat) SPIKE: That is so not right. AUTHOR: Pay attention, Spike. A bunch of assassins and a pirate captain just boarded the boat. SPIKE: (glances at the footprints) Yeah, and your point is? SVEN: They're after Buffy, remember? SPIKE: So? She can take them. AUTHOR: Buffy's cabin! Buffy is in a nightgown, standing in front of the mirror, brushing her hair, and complaining about Spike kissing her..... SPIKE: What, no plunger? AUTHOR: They didn't have plungers back then. You of all people should know that. SPIKE: Yeah., right. Just like Cinderella didn't have red sports cars. SVEN: That's beside the point. AUTHOR: Story! HOOK: (comes up behind Buffy, holding his hook to her throat) Where is the map? BUFFY: (points) There. HOOK: And the key? BUFFY: What key? SPIKE: (breaks through the door, guns out) Hello...NURSE! BUFFY: (glares) Not funny. AUTHOR: Spike fights Hook, shoots another assassin, and drags Buffy out of the room, which is now on fire........Buffy? I said SPIKE fights Hook! SPIKE: (stands back, watching) PETER: She's good. HOOK: I am NOT a vampire, girl! Just GO! SPIKE: (drags Buffy from the room) Sorry, luv, the place is on fire! BUFFY: The map! We need the map! SPIKE: Relax, I'm the map. It's all up here. (taps his head) BUFFY: Great, we're screwed. SPIKE: Oh, sod off! --Back in the burning room-- HOOK: (sees the key) The KEY! XANDER: (runs in) Buffy? (also sees the key, and grabs it, pushing Hook onto the burning couch) HOOK: Do I get combat pay for this? AUTHOR: (laughs) No. HOOK: (leaves the set) Then I quit. SVEN: How is it he landed on a burning couch, and he has no burns? HOOK: Trade secrets, my dear. (takes his seat) AUTHOR: You're close enough being dead, anyway. Okay, the "Americans", Han, Luke, and Scott, are now shooting the other assassins, horses are jumping off the boat-- SVEN: Smart animals. SPIKE: (to Buffy) Can you swim? BUFFY: (glares) Of course I can swim, if I have to! SPIKE: You have to. (throws her overboard, and sighs) I always wanted to do something like that. PETER: (runs up to Spike) What do I do? SPIKE: Wait here, I'll get help. (slings his weapons sack over the side, and jumps over- board) HOOK: Now he can't be THAT stupid. PETER: I'm not! (jumps overboard--before he can go under water, he is pulled up by two mermaids) ARDETH: What in the--- AUTHOR: He's Peter Pan, don't ask....And don't you even THINK about it! (glares at Don't Ask before he can speak) SPIKE: (swims for shore) That is NOT fair! --Meanwhile, on the boat-- MACGYVER: (has jumped off) HAN & LUKE: (are fighting with blasters and a lightsaber) SCOTT: (is using his visor) SVEN: Huh? AUTHOR: It works. XANDER: (stares) Okay, that's something you don't usually see in a mummy movie. I'm leaving! (jumps off the boat, swimming after Spike and Buffy) --More horses start stampeding off the boat. Finally, the....um..Americans jump off, and swim for shore.-- BUFFY: (comes out of the water--still in her nightgown) MOST OF THE MEN ON SET: HELLOOOOO, NURSE!!! BUFFY: (glares) SPIKE: Sorry, luv, I'd offer my coat, but the Author has it. RUFIO: Hey SPIKEY! Looks like I got all the horses!!! SPIKE: Hey RUFIO! Looks like you're on wrong side of the RIVER! RUFIO: It was in the script! AUTHOR: Next day! Buffy, you can change now. BUFFY: (stalks off, glaring) SPIKE: (watches, interested) XANDER: (does the same) AUTHOR: Men. (shakes her head) BEDOVIN TRADING POST--THE NEXT DAY **************************************** XANDER: I only want FOUR! Not a whole bloody herd! (he is bargaining with the camel trader) SPIKE: Would you just PAY the man? XANDER: (gives the man money) Can't believe the price of these fleabags! SPIKE: We could've got 'em for free, you know. All we had to do was give him Buffy. XANDER: Yeah? Why don't we just give him DRU? DRU: (glares) I hea'd tha'! BUFFY: (enters, wearing a tight-fitting Egyptian costume) This one, I like. SPIKE AND XANDER: (stare at her) SVEN: Drool much? SPIKE: Then again, we should probably keep her. She IS the Chosen One, after all. XANDER: (nods) Uh-huh. AUTHOR: The four of them ride into the Sarah Dessert, on their camels. --They ride in silence, as they go deeper into the dessert.-- JAWAS: (come walking along, doing their "Dink-Dink" song) ARDETH: (brings his hand to his forehead, leaning over, shaking his head, and muttering something in Arabic under his breath--however, his shoulders are also shaking) SVEN: He's laughing! ARDETH: (looks up, smiling) AUTHOR: See? I told you it would be funny. THE JAWAS: (are carrying boxes attached to their necks, and approach Spike's camel) Dink, dink dink dink. (one holds up a box) SPIKE: HEY! Fast food service! (buys two bags of blood) BUFFY: Don't they have anything else? OTHER JAWAS: Dink dink dink dink. (hold their boxes to the others) --Soon, everybody is buying candy bars, water, soda-pop, and potato chips-- AUTHOR: I dont' remember them selling food. KEVIN: I told them they could keep half the money. SVEN: No arguments here! Share the wealth! JAWAS: (make their way into the Peanut Gallery) --After everyone has food, and is happily munching-- ALL: Thanks guys! JAWAS: Dink dink-dink! (march away) ARDETH: (holding half a Milky Way bar) Impressive. AUTHOR: No kiddin'. A junk food service that delivers. DRU: (looks up from an empty bag of blood) When a'h they coming back? AUTHOR: Not a clue. Anyway, it's night time, and Murdoc and his buddies are watching them from the cliff-top.....HELLO!! I said watching THEM!!! THE "MED-JAI" ASSASSINS: (Murdoc included--Are eating and talking amongst themselves) AUTHOR: Hello!!! MURDOC!! MURDOC: (pays no attention) --Suddenlly, a rocket explodes behind them-- MURDOC: (looks up) Where did you get that? KEVIN: (puts down the rocket launcher) The backseat of your car. AUTHOR: Ahem, as I was saying. Murdoc and his buddies are watching them from the cliff-top. MURDOC: This one is strong. --The others nod in agreement-- SARAH DESSERT/NEXT MORNING, JUST BEFORE SUNRISE **************************************************** AUTHOR: The horsemen have finally caught up. SPIKE: How? AUTHOR: It doesn't say. SPIKE: Typical. RUFIO: Good morning, my friend. HAN: What are we doing? SVEN: Running around in the dessert, lookin' for treasure? JARETH: Wasting time? AUTHOR: That, too. RUFIO: Patience, man. SPIKE: (to Buffy) Get ready. BUFFY: For what? SPIKE: To watch the Jawas preform Swan Lake! Hello! Read the script!!! DRU: The Jawas are coming back? AUTHOR: Yes, but later. Now- as the sun comes up, the city appears in front of them, on the horizon, and as they ride toward it, it is magically noon. SPIKE: What!? AUTHOR: Something else I never understood about this movie. Just ride for the city. LUKE: We all know Buffy gets there first. BUFFY: (smiles) AUTHOR: Okay, cut to inside the city. You guys are digging at the main entrance, and Spike's group is digging down to an entrance near that fox-head. ARDETH: Anubis, and it's a jackle. AUTHOR: Whatever. HAN: Do they know something we don't? MACGYVER: They're led by a woman. What does a woman know? NIKKI: Hey! Take that back! MACGYVER: Sorry, I was just reading my lines. BUFFY: According to Bembridge scholars, inside the statue of...um... ARDETH: Anubis. BUFFY: Right.--That's where we'll find a secret compartment that holds the Book of the Living. SPIKE: (scoffs) Oh, like you really knew that. BUFFY: It's in the script. Xander, you're meant to catch the sun with that. XANDER: How come she gets to be the smart one? SPIKE: You don't want MY answer. AUTHOR: Script! SPIKE: So what are these old mirrors for? BUFFY: An ancient Egyptian trick. You'll see. SPIKE: I can hardly wait. (jumps down into the crevice) AUTHOR: Okay-- they all drop into the hole. BUFFY: Do you realize we're entering a room that no one has entered in over three thousand years? XANDER: What is that stench? (looks at Peter) Never mind. PETER: I resent that. SVEN: What was that line from the "Dot" spoof? "The unwashed masses"? BUFFY: Yeah, but she was referring to Spike then. AUTHOR: Script! BUFFY: (tilts the mirror to catch the sun) And then there was light. (the sunlight shines across the room, lighting another mirror, and so on) SPIKE: So what do you want, a medal? BUFFY: (ignores him and looks around) Oh look, it's a preparation room. SPIKE: Preparation for what? XANDER: Tasting your cooking. PEANUT GALLERY: (incoherent laughter) SPIKE: I didn't cook that! Lando did! AUTHOR: Story! XANDER: Mummies! They made the mummies here. DOT: Angel! ALL: We know, now shut up! AUTHOR: Okay, they find the feet of.....um... ARDETH: You're doing that on purpose. AUTHOR: (smiles) Anubis, and Buffy points out the secret compartment....again. SPIKE: I'm seeing a pattern here. AUTHOR: And then they hear funny noises, and Spike draws his guns, as they approach the corner, and....? ALL: AHHHHHHHH!!!! AUTHOR: Funny. SVEN: Just made it sound interesting.......setting the mood, you know. AUTHOR: Anyway, it's just the other guys.....Luke, what are you trying to do, take someone's head off? Put that thing away! LUKE: (puts his lightsaber back on his belt) Sorry, they startled me. SPIKE: And this guy has the Farce? Now I'm scared. LUKE: It's FORCE! SPIKE: That's what I said- The Farce. SVEN: For Luke, it's Force, for Scott, it's Farce. BUFFY: He still has that? SVEN: We're still doing Star Wars! Of course he still has it! Remember? We still have to get Logan out of Carbonite! BUFFY: Oh yeah, right. SCOTT: Do we have to? ALL: YES!!! HAN: This is OUR statue, friend. SPIKE: I don't see your name written on it...mate. RUFIO: Yeah, but there are only four of you, five if you count Pan-- PETER: Hey! RUFIO: I mean that in a good way! PETER: (shrugs) Okay. RUFIO: And fifteen of me. Your odds are not so great, Spikey. SPIKE: I've had worse. AUTHOR: No kiddin'. XANDER: (grabs one of Spike's guns) Me too. SCOTT: As yourself, or as the bounty hunter? XANDER: Both. SPIKE: Sure. BUFFY: Let's be nice, children. (steps in the middle) If we're going to play together, we must learn to share. (pulls Spike away) There are other places to dig. RUFIO: What are you, his mother? SVEN: Nope, his owner. SPIKE: (glares) AUTHOR: Okay, Spike's group goes farther down under the statue, into.....(glances at the script) Angel's Chamber. BUFFY: According to the script, we should be right underneath the statue. We'll come up right between his legs. SPIKE: (raises an eyebrow) Yeah, that sounds like you. XANDER: Interesting. BUFFY: Not funny. AUTHOR: Okay, skip the "Damn Yanks" line. Spike can't be offended, because he's English. XANDER: Okay, so when those freaky people go to sleep, we'll sneak up and steal that book out from under them. SPIKE: And you're sure we can find this secret compartment? SVEN: You want to? SPIKE: (reads script) Um....no, not really. XANDER: Where did Peter Pan go? SPIKE: (continues reading the script) It says he's getting eaten by Labyrinth fairies. BUFFY: Suddenly, I'm not very hungry. SPIKE: Hey, if he gets eaten, do I get to eat him next? AUTHOR: No! PETER: Do I have to do this? I'm not that stupid! RUFIO: Are you sure? PETER: (flatly) Positive. AUTHOR: Only fools are positive. PETER: Are you sure? AUTHOR: Positive. MURDOC: And this from the Author of this spoof. Tells you something, don't it? DOT: The writer's flipped? SPIKE: We already KNEW that! Look at her! AUTHOR: Takes a freak to know a freak, now get back to the spoof. On to the "Americans". MACGYVER: (has found the compartment, and is pulling back Luke, who is trying to break it open) Hold it. Nightcrawler was no fool. LUKE: Okay, let them open it. (points at the vampire diggers) VAMPIRE 1: No WAY! VAMPIRE 2: Do we look that stupid? HAN: Yes. AUTHOR: Okay, you argue, meanwhile, back to the others. SPIKE: So let me get this straight. They took out your insides, and they put them in jars? BUFFY: Do I have to say this? It's gross! SVEN: Just DO it! BUFFY: (sighs) And you know how they took out your brain? They took a sharp, red-hot poker, stick it up your nose, scramble things about a bit, and then rip it all out through your nostrils. SPIKE: (interested) Really? MURDOC: Wow, and I never thought of ever doing that.....pity. ALL CAST THAT DOESN'T KNOW MURDOC: (stare at him like he's insane) MACGYVER: Oh great, he's getting MORE twisted ideas. SVEN: Just when Murdoc thought he knew every possible way to kill a person. MURDOC: I'm writing that down. AUTHOR: Okay, Xander's playing golf with a shovel and rocks, when he hits the wall and a sarcophagus falls from the ceiling above them. SPIKE: 'EY! That nearly landed on ME! AUTHOR: And now, back in the top area, the diggers get the compartment open, and are all killed by acid. You boys are dismissed. Am-scray! VAMPIRE 3: But we didn't DO anything! AUTHOR: That's because it isn't rigged. It ain't the real Book of the Dead. The others can get it out. Now back to Spike's bunch. BUFFY: Wow. It's a sarcophagus, buried at the feet of Ayubis. ARDETH: Anubis. BUFFY: Right. He must have been someone of great importance....or he did something very naughty. SVEN: Angelus is at it again, 'ey? AUTHOR: Peter comes running in, screaming, and crashes into a wall. PETER: So I'm dead, now? AUTHOR: Yep, take a seat. PETER: (sits down between his son and Hook in the Peanut Gallery) And the sick thing is, I didn't get to be rich. HOOK: I'm sorry. AUTHOR: Back to Angel's chamber. ANGEL'S CHAMBER ********************* XANDER: Well, who is it? SVEN: Da-uh! SPIKE: Jimmy Hoffa. DOT: Here's your sign. BUFFY: He that shall not be named. SPIKE: (dusts off the lock) XANDER: Well, whoever's in this thing certainly wasn't getting out. SPIKE: Well, we have the key, but do we really want to let him out? BUFFY: It's in the script. We have to. AUTHOR: End of section. SPIKE: Why? AUTHOR: Actually, this is where Peter was supposed to die, but I got bored, so now it's night time, and everyone's camping out. XANDER: Does that mean we roast marshmallows and sing Kum-ba-ya? SPIKE: (steps away) Get back, Satan. AUTHOR: On to base camp! BASE CAMP ******************** BUFFY: What do you suppose killed him? XANDER: Didn't we already go over that? AUTHOR: Script! XANDER: Ever see him eat? PETER: I resent that. SPIKE: (comes walking up and sits down with them) Seems our friends had a little misfortune of their own. Three of their diggers quit. AUTHOR: Ahem. SPIKE: But it wasn't rigged. AUTHOR: Pretend it was. SPIKE: (rolls his eyes) Three of their diggers were melted. BUFFY: How? SPIKE: Pressurized salt-acid. Some sort of ancient booby trap. XANDER: Maybe this place really is cursed. BUFFY: Oh you two. It's just Angel, remember? We all know him. SPIKE: So you don’t' believe in curses? BUFFY: Angel's already cursed! XANDER: (is going through Peter's bag) OW! BUFFY: (jumps) What!? What is it? XANDER: (holds up his finger, which is now bleeding, and a wine bottle) Broken bottle. SPIKE: (stares at the cut) Now, I'm hungry. AUTHOR: You had two bags of blood. Deal with it! Now Murdoc? Trash the camp! --Murdoc and the "Med-jai" assassins come riding through the camp, shooting people-- SPIKE: (rushes to join the action) Stay here. BUFFY: (takes off after him) JARETH: Doesn't hear too well, does she? PETER: They call it selective hearing. My kids do it all the time. JACK B: (beams proudly) AUTHOR: Okay, Murdoc shoots the gun out of Spike's hand, and Spike pulls out a stick of dynamite, and lights it. MURDOC: Very good. An excellent choice. SVEN: And now your line? MURDOC: I was getting to it. HAN: Get there faster, before that thing blows up! MURDOC: We will shed no more blood tonight, but you must leave this place. Leave or die! You have one day! RUFIO: That's all they really needed. ARDETH: Tell me about it. --The "Med-jai" Assassins ride away-- SPIKE: (helps Buffy up) You alright? BUFFY: Uh, Spike? The dynamite? SPIKE: Oh yeah! Oops. (the fuse is almost gone, so instead of pulling it out, he throws it away from them, causing an explosion) SVEN: You better not have killed any Jawas in that! AUTHOR: Story! HAN: That proves it! Old Nightcrawler's fortune has GOT to be under this sand! LUKE: For them to protect it like this, you just know there's treasure down there! SPIKE: These are a dessert people, they value water, not gold. AUTHOR: Now we get Buffy and Xander drunk. GILES: She's the Slayer, she can't drink! HAN: Now that is a crying shame. AUTHOR: Okay, then. Xander has passed out, and Spike and Buffy are talking. Buffy, act drunk. We're skipping the scene where he's teaching her how to punch, because we all know she hits very well already. SPIKE: No kiddin'. Okay, luv, time for a drink. BUFFY: Unlike my brother, sir, I know when to say no. SPIKE: And unlike your brother, Miss, you, I just don't get. BUFFY: Do I have to say this? AUTHOR: Yes. BUFFY: (glares) I know. You're wondering what's a place like me doing in a girl like this? SPIKE: This is scary. she sounds like Harmony. BUFFY: (smacks him) AUTHOR: Script! SPIKE: Something like that. BUFFY: Egypt is in my blood. My father was a famous explorer, and he loved Egypt so much, he married my mother, who was an Egyptian, and quite the adventurer herself. SPIKE: Okay, I get your mother. I get your father. I get him. (points at Xander) But what are you doing here? BUFFY: Look, I may not be an explorer, or an adventurer, or a gunfighter, Mister The Bloody, but I am proud of what I am. SPIKE: And what is that? BUFFY: I am the Slayer, and I am NOT kissing him. AUTHOR: You don't. You pass out in his lap. BUFFY: Okay, I'm not sure which one is worse. AUTHOR: Pass out, or we'll knock you out. BUFFY: (rolls her eyes) I hate this movie. (falls into Spike's lap) SPIKE: (looks down and gives a suggestive smile) A fellow could get used to this. BUFFY: Very funny. AUTHOR: Next day-- They get the lid off the sarcophagus and pull out the coffin. Now to the um... Americans, who are pulling out a chest with funny writings on it. MACGYVER: There is a curse on this chest. HAN: Teah, we know, but the script says we open it anyway. LUKE: And we all know what the curse is, too, but you might as well read it anyway. MACGYVER: Death will come on swift wings to whomever opens this chest. --A stron gust of wind blows, courtesy of Storm --It puts out all the torches.-- SCOTT: Nice job, Storm. AUTHOR: I said a breeze or gust, not a step down from 'tornado'! MACGYVER: Can we get them re-lit? I can't see. MURDOC: (enters with a blow torch) Not a problem. I was unloading my car, before Snowcone Guy found ALL the hidden weapons. (uses the blow-torch and lights all the torches) SPIKE: So what else did you have in that car? MURDOC: (hands Spike a box of bullets) For that gun of yours. XANDER: What else do you have? MURDOC: We're using my machine gun on the plane later. AUTHOR: Can Mac just finish the curse now? MURDOC: Oh please. Don't let us stop you. MACGYVER: It says here that there is one, the undead, who, if brought back to life, is bound by sacred law to consummate this curse. LUKE: That is so unfair. WE get to die because SHE has to read the book. SCOTT: That’s a woman for you. BUFFY: HEY! It's not MY fault! MACGYVER: Can I finish now? HAN: Yeah, sure. Let's see what ELSE happens to us because of her. MACGYVER: He will kill all who open this chest, and assimilate their organs and fluids. PENNY: Ewww. SPIKE: We are Borg. You will be assimilated. XANDER: Resistance is futile. SVEN: Lots of people watch a lot of television around here. AUTHOR: 7 of 9 is cool. What can we say? XANDER: That ain't all she is. SVEN: Pervert. AUTHOR: MacGyver? Continue. MACGYVER: And in so doing, he will no longer be the undead, but a plague upon this earth. SPIKE: Not much of a change. BUFFY: (slaps him) SPIKE: Hey! I had to live with him longer than you did! AUTHOR: Story! RUFIO: Okay, I'm gone. I'm the smart one. (exits) HAN: Okay, let's open it. --The four of them pull off the lid and are sprayed with a paint bomb.-- LUKE: Oh ewww! MACGYVER: That was NOT in the script. LUKE AND HAN: (look at each other) Snowcone guy. KEVIN: (comes in, takes a bow, and leaves) AUTHOR: It's pink. SPIKE: Ewwww. SCOTT: It's oil based, too. SVEN: Pink and they can't get it off. Now that IS scary. AUTHOR: Back to Angel's chamber.. SPIKE AND XANDER: (stand the coffin against the wall) BUFFY: Oh, I've dreamed about this since I was a little girl. MURDOC: Now THAT is just sick. SVEN: And this is the psychotic assassin talking. SPIKE: You dream about dead guys? JARETH: Well, he WAS her boyfriend at one point. BUFFY: Ahem. Look, all the sacred spells have been chiseled off. This man must have not only been cursed in this life, but in the next. SPIKE: Tough break. XANDER: Yeah, I'm all tears, now let's see who's inside, shall we? DOT: Da-uh! AUTHOR: They're not supposed to know, shhh. XANDER: (puts the key into the lock and turns it) --The lid falls open, and the three of them jump back-- SPIKE: BLOODY HELL!!!! XANDER: THAT IS ANGEL!? SVEN: Why is he wearing a sign? DRU: (shrieks hysterically) Wha' 'ave you done to 'im!? AUTHOR: Jareth, sedate her! JARETH: (waves his hand) DRU: (faints) BUFFY: (is still staring at Angel inside the coffin) --Angel is now a hideous, rotten, bug infested corpse.-- PENNY: I think I'm gonna be sick. SPIKE: Now about this sign.....(starts laughing) XANDER: (reading) "Kick me"? BUFFY: (still staring) Why is the inside of that coffin lined in pink silk? SVEN: Oh gross. KEVIN: Wha? AUTHOR: Because satin chaffs. HAN: YOU did this? SVEN: You're kidding, right? AUTHOR: Actually, that idea came from our mom. --The cast that isn't already laughing is now laughing-- AUTHOR: We note that Ardeth was laughing at the sign. ARDETH: I was imagining the real one that way. ALL: (think for a moment, then collapse to the floor in incoherent laughter) AUTHOR: Okay, we've all had our yah-yahs out, please continue the spoof. SPIKE: (snickering) Is he supposed to look like that? BUFFY: I've never seen a mummy look like this. ARDETH: I'll say. ALL: (more laughter) SPIKE: Ummm (starts laughing again) I can't do this with that sign there. XANDER: Well, how can we take it off? I mean, what if his head falls off or something? SPIKE: (falls against the wall, laughing, and slowly sliding to the floor) NIKKI: Is this what prolonged exposure to Labyrinth fairies does? JARETH: How would I know? I've never locked anyone up with them before. MURDOC: Interesting. I'll have to write that one down, too. SPIKE: (is laughing so hard he's crying) SVEN: Spike has gone bye-bye. BUFFY: (reaches over, and pulls the sign off) Can we continue now? XANDER: (Reaches down and helps Spike off the floor) SPIKE: (recovering) Look at that. (points at the marks on the inside of the lid) BUFFY: Fingernails. This man was buried alive....well, alive as he can get, I guess....and he left a message. SPIKE: It says "I'll be back." Who does he think he is, the Terminator? Where's my gun? XANDER: What are you going to do, shoot him? SPIKE: If he wakes up? YES! That is....freaky! XANDER: (nods) Yeah, 'freaky' is a good word for it. AUTHOR: Meanwhile, back to the Americans. MACGYVER: (holding the book) We're supposed to believe this is the Book of the Dead? AUTHOR: No, you're supposed to PRETEND it is. HAN: Alright then, it's the Book of the Dead. Now where's the treasure? MACGYVER: This IS treasure.....I guess. LUKE: Sure it is. Where's the rest of it? (he kicks the chest, opening the other compartment, which holds the sacred jars) AUTHOR: One is broken, so they leave it, and each of them gets one of the others. Now on to Base Camp. BASE CAMP//NIGHTFALL ************************** BUFFY: (walks out to see MacGyver trying to open the book) I believe you need a key to open that book. MURDOC: Duh. MacGyver's getting slow in his old age. MACGYVER: It's in the script. AT SPIKE'S CAMP ******************** --Spike, Xander, and Rufio are sitting together, and Han, Luke, and Scott come walking up-- HAN: What do you think these babies will fetch back home? (holds his jar up) SCOTT: We heard you guys found yourselves a nice gooey mummy. LUKE: You know if you dry that feller out, you just might be able to use him for firewood. SPIKE: Hmmm, not a bad idea. AUTHOR: Ahem. BUFFY: (runs up) Look what I found! SPIKE: You're in her seat, mate. (pushes Rufio out of the way) BUFFY: Fairy skeletons! Flesh eaters! They were inside our friend's coffin. XANDER: Hey cool. BUFFY: They can stay alive for years feasting on the flesh of a corpse. SPIKE: Yum. BUFFY: (elbows him) SPIKE: So somebody put these in with our guy, and they slowly ate him alive? BUFFY: Very slowly. XANDER: Yuck. AUTHOR: I'm hungry. NIKKI: (stares) You're kidding, right? SVEN: I'm hungry, too. PENNY: Gross. AUTHOR: One of our other sisters works at a horse vet. If we can eat dinner while listening to her give a detailed report on gelding a horse, we can handle anything. SPIKE: Well, I was hungry, but that thing about gelding the horse doesn't sound so appealing. AUTHOR: Somebody get me a cheeseburger. KEVIN: (hands the Author a McDonalds bag) AUTHOR: Thankyou. SVEN: HEY! AUTHOR: (hands Sven the chicken nuggets and fries) SVEN: Thankyou. AUTHOR: (starts eating) Please continue. BUFFY: I'm going to be sick. XANDER: I forgot where I was. SPIKE: Now I'M hungry. JAWA: (comes in with a Styrofoam container, and a pizza) Dink dink. SPIKE: (tips the Jawa) Thanks, mate. AUTHOR: Okay, break time! Everybody get something to eat. The other Jawas are in the hallway! See you in an hour! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ AUTHOR: (returns three hours later with Sven) MURDOC: You're not good with telling time, are you? AUTHOR: Of course I am. You just have to speak my language. SPIKE: (walks back in) Am I late? SVEN: Spike speaks your language. AUTHOR: (to Spike) Nope, where were you? SPIKE: Ummm, busy? AUTHOR: Okay, fine. I had to eat dinner, then I got bust reading the fan-fic on the net. BUFFY: And you found what? AUTHOR: A few amusing stories. Anyway.. SPIKE: Nothing perverted, right? AUTHOR: (flatly) I don't read perverted stories. SVEN: Now back to the spoof. AUTHOR: Alright, it's Spike's turn. SPIKE: No it isn't, it's Xander's. XANDER: (finds his place) He certainly wasn't a popular person when they planted him, was he? SPIKE: (snickers) Probably got a little too frisky with the Pharaoh's daughter. BUFFY: According to the script, our friend suffered the HOM-DAI, the worst of all ancient curses. One reserved only for the most evil. In all my research, I've never read of this curse actually having been preformed. SPIKE: He was playing Angelus again, was he? SVEN: Obviously. BUFFY: Ahem, it is written that if a victim of the HOM-DAI should ever arise, he would bring with him the ten plagues of Egypt. AUTHOR: And they all shiver. Now, at Base Camp, after everybody's gone to bed, Buffy gets up, and steals the Book of the Dead from MacGyver. SPIKE: That's called 'stealing', you know. BUFFY: according to you and my brother, it's called 'borrowing'. SPIKE: I thought the Book of Life was made out of gold. BUFFY: This isn't the Book of Life. I think this may be the Book of the Dead. SPIKE: Are you sure you wanna be playing around with it then? BUFFY: It's --wait a minute-- What does she mean 'no harm ever came from reading a book'?!! What is she, INSANE!!?? ARDETH: We assume so. AUTHOR: Anyway, Buffy opens the book, and reads from it. BUFFY: (flipping through it) SPIKE: So what's it say? BUFFY: Look, an add for dynamite. SPIKE: Lemme see!!! BUFFY: (reading) "Buy HIT brand dynamite, because blowing things up was never funner!" BACK IN ANGEL'S CHAMBER ******************************** ANGEL: (wakes up with a bloodcurdling scream) WHA' 'AVE 'OO GUNG KOO ME!!!!!???? BASE CAMP ************ MACGYVER: NO!!!! You must not read from the BOOK!!! SPIKE: You're kidding me!! THAT brought him BACK!? MURDOC: Suddenly, I have an urge to buy dynamite. NIKKI: You WOULD! SVEN: Now about the locust.... AUTHOR: Don't worry about them. We don't have any, but everyone's freaked anyway, because--let's face it, Angel's back! --Base camp goes crazy-- ANGEL: (still screaming) SVEN: How's he supposed to steal Scott's eyes and tongue? AUTHOR: He steals his tongue, but gets his own eyes back? SCOTT: Now that's just gross. AUTHOR: Okay, Scott loses his tongue, and we'll give Angel his own eyes and tongue back. We'll also have to remove Scott's visor. Agreed? SVEN: Sounds good. AUTHOR: Everyone takes off running, Scott gets his visor knocked off, and Angel finds him! ANGEL: (who gets his eyes and tongue back) This is just SICK!! Why didn't anybody tell me about this? SVEN: You didn't ask? ANGEL: (glares) Not funny. AUTHOR: Good thing we got rid of the sign. ANGEL: What sign? MUNGO: You don' wanna know. AUTHOR: Meanwhile, Spike, Buffy, and Xander are running from a crowd of Labyrinth fairies, and when they get out of the way, Buffy falls through a trap-door, and disappears. SPIKE: (shakes his head) Why do they always pull a disappearing act when something bad happens? XANDER: Beats me. AUTHOR: Okay, down to where Buffy went. --Buffy sees Scott standing with his back to her-- BUFFY: Oh Scott, it's you. I-- SCOTT: (turns around) BUFFY: (shrieks) SVEN: Wow! Heck of a make-up job. MURDOC: Thank you. We decided that since his eyes should be burned out, he should at least look the part. ANGEL: (approaches Buffy) Buffy? AUTHOR: Excuse me, you're supposed to be looking for Dru, not Buffy! ANGEL: (glares) Whatever. BUFFY: (backs away) No offense, Angel, but umm.... AUTHOR: Back to the guys. --Spike and Xander are looking for the trap-door that Buffy fell through-- XANDER: Typical. She gets it open, but we can't. --Then Luke, Han, and another vampire come running down the hall-- HAN: Run, you idiots, RUN!!!! --They are being followed by a load of fairies-- SPIKE: (pulls Xander away) Run! --They all run down the hall. The vampire trips, and is eaten alive by Labyrinth fairies, causing all the others to run faster-- AUTHOR: After they escape the fairies, they run into Buffy. SPIKE: THERE you are! Would you quit playin' hide and seek, and come on!? BUFFY: (still staring at Angel) SPIKE: (looks up) WHOA!! --They all back away slowly-- ANGEL: (opens his mouth, and gives a bloodcurdling scream) --The entire group answers with their own scream, then Spike pulls out an elephant gun, and blows Angel away, then they all take off running--As they round a corner, they run into Murdoc and ten more armed Med-jai Assassins-- XANDER: Okay, we give up. MURDOC: I told you to leave this place or die. You refused, and now you may have killed us all. You have unleashed the creature we have feared for.... well, this spoof anyway. SPIKE: Don't worry, I got him. MURDOC: No mortal weapon can kill this creature, besides, you didn't have wooden bullets. Anyway, he's not of this world. --Two assassins bring Scott forward-- LUKE AND HAN: (stare) LUKE: What did you do to him? MURODC: Gave him a make-up job. AUTHOR: Ahem. MURDOC: We saved him. Saved him before the creature could finish his work. Now you must leave. All of you before he finishes you all. (motions for the Med-jai assassins to follow him) We must now go on the hunt, and try to find a way to kill him. SPIKE: I already told you I got him. MURDOC: Know this. This creature is the bringer of death. He will never eat, he will never sleep, and he will never stop. --The "Med-jai" Assassins exit behind Murdoc-- AUTHOR: And then Angel takes Rufio as his little helper, we all know this part. The others all leave, and Angel sets off after them, because he wants the book and the jars. Now we go to the British fort, where Buffy and Xander are staying. BRITISH FORT ******************** --Spike is loading things into a suitcase, while Buffy is busy unloading it-- SPIKE: I thought you didn't believe in this stuff. BUFFY: Didn't I already say I did? AUTHOR: Script! BUFFY: Having an encounter with an--Angel is NOT three thousand years old! AUTHOR: Whatever works. BUFFY: (shrugs) --does tend to convert one. SPIKE: Forget it! We're out the door, down the hall, and we're gone! BUFFY: No we are not! SPIKE: (loads more stuff into the suitcase) Oh yes we are. BUFFY: Oh no, we are not! We woke him up, and we have to stop him. SPIKE: 'We'? What 'WE'? "WE" didn't read that book! I told you not to play around with that thing! BUFFY: That's right. Me, me, me, I, I, I. I woke him up, and i intend to stop him. (pulls her clothes back out of the suitcase) SPIKE: How? You heard the man! No mortal weapon can stop this guy! BUFFY: Isn't that what they said about the Judge too? SPIKE: This is NOT the Judge! This is no MORTAL weapon. BUFFY: Well then, we'll just have to find some IMMORTAL ones! SPIKE: There's that 'we' again. BUFFY: Well, we have got to do SOMEthing! (slams the suitcase shut on Spike's fingers) SPIKE: 'EY! BUFFY: Look, once he's been reborn, his curse is going to spread until the whole of the Earth is destroyed. SPIKE: Yeh, that's Angelus alright. Is that MY problem? BUFFY: Well, it's EVERYBODY'S problem. SPIKE: Look, I appreciate you saving my life and all that, but when I signed on, I agreed to take you out there and bring you back! End of job, end of story! Contract terminated! BUFFY: That's all I am to you, a contract? SPIKE: Look, you can either tag along with me, or you can stay here, and try to save the world! BUFFY: I'm staying. SPIKE: Typical. (walks out, slamming the door) CASBAH ******************* AUTHOR: Jack, you're next! Act drunk! JACK: I'm the last of the Royal Air Corps still stationed down here, you know. All the other ladies died in the air and were buried in the sand. Good chaps, every one of them. SPIKE: (enters) JACK: (starts walking with him) You know, Spike, ever since the Great War, there hasn't been a single task worthy of a man like me. MURDOC: Why? Did MacGyver stop taking you with him? AUTHOR: Be quiet. SPIKE AND JACK: (sit down with Xander) JACK: I just wish I could have chucked it in with the others, instead of sitting around here, rotting of bordum and booze. Cheers. (drinks Xander's drink and walks off) --Luke and Han come up to the bar, and sit down-- LUKE: Well, we're all ready to leave, but the boat don't leave until tomorrow. XANDER: Coward. HAN: Easy for you to say. You don't have some walking corpse coming after you. XANDER: No, but I've had it happen before. LUKE: Funny. AUTHOR: Okay, in Scott's room, Rufio and Angel are visiting him. RUFIO: Mister Scott, Prince Angel-- ANGEL: I'm a Prince again? AUTHOR: Yeah, sort of, except you're not green. SPIKE: Come on! I got used to that! It was kind'a cute. ANGEL: (glares) Speaking of which, I still owe you for that one! AUTHOR: Boys, shut up! Rufio, finish your line! RUFIO: (tapping his foot) Thank you. Now, as I was saying. Prince Angel thanks you for your hospitality, and for your eyes, and for your tongue. SCOTT: (mumbles something) SVEN: Huh? AUTHOR: (shrugs) Do I look like I speak that language? Rufio, go on. RUFIO: But I am afraid much more is needed. The Prince must finish the job and consummate the curse which you and your friends have brought down upon yourselves. SCOTT: (sighs and gives a 'let's get on with it' motion) ANGEL: Now what? SVEN: You suck him dry. AUTHOR: Somehow, I don't think that's the right way of putting that. ANGEL: So how do I do this? Bite him? SCOTT: (Frantically shaking his head) Huh-UH!!! AUTHOR: You do the Mummy thing and turn him into a dried out stick. ANGEL: Okay fine, 't's your spoof. CASBAH (AGAIN) ***************** AUTHOR: Everyone clinks their glasses together, then drink, then they all spit it out............I said they ALL spit it out! SPIKE: (swallows his drink, and grabs Xander's) LUKE: Oh YUCK!! SPIKE: (snatches his drink, too) HAN: Oh, gross. Blood? I am NOT putting that in my mouth. SPIKE: GIVE! HAN: (drops his glass) SPIKE: NOOOO!!!! AUTHOR: And all the drinks have turned to blood, as well as the water in the fountain. SPIKE: Hellooooo, NURSE! (fills his glass in the fountain) SVEN: Spike has gone bye-bye again. AUTHOR: Spike, the water into blood means Angel just wasted Scott. SPIKE: So? There's enough here for him, too. What's your point? AUTHOR: Go find Buffy, and follow the script, or you'll live to regret it! SPIKE: (grumbles to himself and walks out the door) Why the bloody Slayer can't just do this her bloody self... (door closes behind him) FORT COMPOUND ******************** --A storm is brewing, and thunder and lightning are becoming evident-- SPIKE: (runs up to Buffy) BUFFY: So, you're still here? SPIKE: Author wouldn't let me leave. AUTHOR: Ahem. SPIKE: We've got problems. --At that point, the sky rains fire and brimstone-- SVEN: Storm? STORM: Had nothing to do with it. JARETH: I did it! AUTHOR: Nice work. BUFFY AND SPIKE: (take cover and run) --They pass by Rufio, coming down from Scott's quarters-- SPIKE: (grabs him) Rufio, you little stinkweed! Where have you been? SVEN: Da-uh! SPIKE: I'm following the script! MUNGO: The scrip' says where 'e was, too. You don' 'ave to ask. AUTHOR: Butt out! Boys? ANGEL: (roars from above) RUFIO: (runs off) BUFFY AND SPIKE: (run up to Scott's room) ANGEL: (has regenerated some) --Scott is now a dried out corpse-- SPIKE: There's something you don't see everyday. SCOTT: (has a sign attached to him reading, "Just add water") AUTHOR: Mungo, this should be easy. MUNGO: I add water? SVEN: Yep. ARDETH: Interesting. SPIKE: We are in serious trouble.........I guess. (pulls out his gun) ANGEL: (starts walking toward him) SPIKE: (starts shooting) ANGEL: (pays no attention, and throws Spike against a wall) --The gunshots cause Luke, Han, and Xander to come running-- ANGEL: (approaches Buffy) you saved me from the undead. I thank you. (leans in to kiss her) BUFFY: Ewww, Angel! Get away! You're gross! AUTHOR: Angel is scared away by a cat. ANGEL: WHAT!? The cast and the Peanut Gallery is full of cats! Why am I now afraid of them!? SVEN: Giles explains it, just go. AUTHOR: He turns into a cloud of dust, and flies out the window. SPIKE: Neat trick. AUTHOR: On to the museum! Han, Luke, Spike, and Xander follow Buffy inside. LUKE: What's this guy want, anyhow? BUFFY: There's only one person I know who can give us any answers. --They round a corner, and find Murdoc and Giles talking together.-- BUFFY: YOU!? SPIKE: (draws guns) HAN: (draws a blaster) LUKE: (ignites lightsaber) MURDOC: (glares) GILES: Miss Summers, gentlemen, BUFFY: What's HE doing here? GILES: Do you really want to know, or would you prefer to just shoot us? SPIKE: (puts his gun away) I can't shoot you anyway. LUKE AND HAN: (put their weapons away) GILES: We are part of an ancient secret society. For the last....few hours, anyway, we have guarded the City of the Dead. We are sworn at manhood to do any and all in our power to prevent the High Priest Angel from being reborn into this world. MURDOC: And because of you, we have failed. SPIKE: (points at Buffy) Because of HER! MISTO: Well, actually, YOU took her there, you other two got out the book, and then you all three opened the coffin.....I see it as a 'we' thing. SVEN: Good point. AUTHOR: Definitely a 'we' thing. BUFFY: And you think this justifies the killing of innocent people? GILES: To stop this thing? Let me think... MURDOC AND GILES: YES! SPIKE: So why's he afraid of cats? ANGEL: Yes, do tell. SVEN: Read the script! GILES: Cats are the guardians of the underworld. He will fear them until he is fully regenerated. TEAZER: We're guahdians of the underw'ld! MUNGO: Nea'! LUKE: And he gets himself fully regenerated by finding everyone who opened that chest........ HAN: And suckin' 'em dry! BUFFY: When I first saw him at Hamunaptra, he called me 'Drusilla'. ANGEL: Did NOT! I called you 'Buffy'! I wasn't THAT blind! MURDOC: To bring her back, he needs a human sacrifice. That would be you. XANDER: Tough break, Buf. AUTHOR: Then there's a total eclipse of the sun and-- MURDOC: His powers are growing. AUTHOR: Now back to the fort. BUFFY: We must stop him from regenerating. Who opened that chest? HAN: Well, there was me, and Luke here, and Scott of course, and that MacGyver feller. SPIKE: What about my buddy, Rufio? LUKE: Nope, he scrammed out of there before we opened the thing. PETER: Smart, very smart. RUFIO: (smiles) BUFFY: We must find MacGyver and bring him back to the safety of the fort, before the Creature can get to him. SPIKE: Okay, Buffy waits here, and you two come with me. --The other three all talk at once.-- HAN: No way! I ain't leavin'! LUKE: Not no way, not no how! BUFFY: Excuse me, I'm the Slayer, and I will not be left here, while you go running off! SPIKE: (picks up Buffy, carries her into her room, and locks her in.) BUFFY: If you don't let me out of here, I'm breaking the door down! AUTHOR: And if you try, we'll turn it into adamantium. SPIKE: (gives Luke the key) Nobody goes in, and she doesn't come out. Xander, come with me. XANDER: WHAT!? SVEN: Read the script, you'll be glad you went. HAN: This is so not right. SARAH: Oh, take it like a MAN! AUTHOR: MacGyver is wandering around with the Book of the Dead in one hand, and his jar in the other, while Angel is following him. Back in Mac's room, Rufio is trashing the place. SPIKE AND XANDER: (walk in on him) SPIKE: Let me guess, spring cleaning? RUFIO: Actually, yeh. The place was a total mess, you know that MacGyver can't clean for crap, so I decided to help out a little. SPIKE: (lifts Rufio off the floor by his shirt) You came back from the Dessert with a new friend, didn't you, Rufio? RUFIO: Well, you see, technically, he's not my friend, and I'm just following orders. SPIKE: What are you doing with this creep? What's in it for you? RUFIO: Respect. I was threatened with death by the Author! AUTHOR: Script! SPIKE: What are you looking for? RUFIO: The book! He wants the black book! SPIKE: Why? RUFIO: Hello! Didn't we already cover this? Giles said it was for Drusilla! But he only wants the book, I swear, just the book.....and the Slayer. AUTHOR: And Rufio knees Spike in the nuts, and gets away, by jumping out the window and flying away. MacGyver is now a dried out corpse.... MURDOC: (snaps off a full roll of film) It's like a wonderful dream come true! (wipes a tear from his eye) PETER: Now that's sickening. SVEN: No, that's Murdoc. AUTHOR: Angel regenerates again, looking almost human. He looks up, sees Spike and Xander, and lets a stream of flies out of his mouth. ANGEL: EWWWWW GROSS!!! SPIKE: Well, that's two down and two to go. XANDER: Then he'll be coming after Buffy. AUTHOR: They run out the door, and head back to the fort....meanwhile, Luke is standing, staring out the window. LUKE: Who stands at an open window, when they're under threat of death from a flying sand cloud? JARETH: The men who died did. RUFIO: Idiots. SVEN: Yeah, that about sums it up. LUKE: (leaves the window) The heck with this. I'm going downstairs to get me a drink. You want anything? HAN: What's the point? I'm about to die. LUKE: Die drunk? HAN: Very funny. LUKE: (leaves) HAN: (gets up to shut the window) Okay, just get it over with. ANGEL: (as sand--bursts through the window, and Han becomes....well, you know the drill) Don't mind if I do. (he is now looking very much human, except for a few spots of rotting flesh) AUTHOR: Then Angel turns to sand, and come through the Buffy's keyhole. ANGEL: Why doesn't he just use the key? SVEN: Because Luke has it. DOT: Duh. YAKKO: Come on! Do the sand thing! It's cool! WAKKO: Yeah!!! ANGEL: (does the "Sand thing", then comes to Buffy and kisses her) BUFFY: (wakes up) Oh UGH!! Angel, that’s GROSS!!!! SPIKE: (from the doorway) HEY! Got your ugly face off of her! ANGEL: (comes charging toward him) SPIKE: (pulls Rumpelteazer up from her seat) Look what I got! ANGEL: (crosses his arms) Pu-leeze! AUTHOR: Ahem! ANGEL: (rolls his eyes before turning to dust, and flying out the window) XANDER: That is just so cool how he does that. AUTHOR: Then Luke comes in and finds Han. LUKE: Okay, that's not a pretty picture. LEIA: But you ARE going to bring him back, right? SVEN: Just add water...instant Han. SPIKE: (grinning) Just like dehydrated soup! ALL: (stare) SPIKE: What? AUTHOR: Okay, back to the museum! --Spike, Buffy, Murdoc, Xander, Luke, and Giles walk through the museum-- BUFFY: According to legend, the black book can bring dead people to life. I believed it, but I had to read it anyway. SPIKE: Excuses, excuses. BUFFY: So if the black book brings the dead to life, -- SPIKE: Then maybe the gold book can kill him. BUFFY: That's the myth. Now we just have to find out where the gold book is hidden. --She is cut off by sounds from outside. A lynch mob of vampires follows Angel as he walks toward the museum.-- MURDOC: They have become his slaves. ANGEL: This is getting so fun it's freaky. WILLOW: Wait a second, is he okay? AUTHOR: He's fine, right Angel? ANGEL: Just doing my part! WILLOW: (satisfied) Okay. BUFFY: Okay, where's the gold book? (looks at the display case) I can't read this! MURDOC: We're screwed. LUKE: Why don't you just read the script? --Vampires are breaking the door down-- XANDER: Faster, Buffy. BUFFY: Patience is a virtue! --The Vampires break the door down, and start swarming into the museum-- ALL CAST: Not right now, it isn't!!! SPIKE: That was MY line! AUTHOR: And you said it, too. Quit complaining. Buffy? BUFFY: Okay, the gold Book of the Living is at Hasmunaptra inside the statue of Horus! XANDER: I'll get the car started. (runs off) AUTHOR: Outside at the car, Xander finds a group of vampires, chanting Angel's name, as they march. XANDER: Why are they saying "Angelus?" AUTHOR: Because "Angel" didn't fit. "Imhotep" has three syllables. ARDETH: Good point. XANDER: (shrugs) Angelus..Angelus..Angelus... --The crowd of vampires walk on by-- HOOK: They weren't very smart, were they? XANDER: (starts the car, and drives to the front, where the others join him.) LUKE: Okay, let's get out of here! SPIKE: Why? Anxious to die? LUKE: Not really, just reading the script. RUFIO: Hey yo, ANGEL!!! Out here! ANGEL: (at the window--roars) SPIKE: You're gonna get yours, Rufio! --Car drives off-- RUFIO: Oh, like I've never heard THAT before! --The vampires race after them-- AUTHOR: Xander stops the car in an alley. In front of them are a whole lot of vampires. SPIKE: Drive over them! (hits the gas) XANDER: What are you, insane? --The vampires jump onto the car-- BUFFY: (pulls a stake, and starts dusting them) SPIKE: (vamps out, and beats them off the car) MURDOC: (pulls out a stick of dynamite) AUTHOR: Don't even THINK about it! MURDOC: (makes a face) But-- AUTHOR: NO! --The vampires grab Luke, and yank him out of the car-- AUTHOR: He ends up cornered, and starts killing them, but runs out of ammo. LUKE! Did you even hear me? LUKE: (has his lightsaber out, and is dusting them left and right. He has killed nearly three quarters of them) ANGEL: (stands back) Is he gonna put that away, or not? The script says I have to kill him. SVEN: Luke....let it go. LUKE: (sighs, and puts the lightsaber away) Get it over with. AUTHOR: We all know how this ends up, now back to our heros, who have crashed the car-- GILES: Figures. AUTHOR: And now, they get out and run, and are cornered by vampires. --The vampires part, as Angel walks up, grinning slyly.-- BUFFY: At least he looks better now. SPIKE: Um....Buffy? ANGEL: (grins wider) SPIKE: What the bloody hell have you DONE!? AUTHOR: (shrugs) Made it interesting. GILES: Oh no, you did NOT! MURDOC: Didn't what? ANGELUS: Hiya kids, I'm baaaack! Again. XANDER: ( to the Author) How could you? AUTHOR: Angelus, in order to get Dru back... ANGELUS: I read the script. SVEN: Hear that, everybody? Someone read the SCRIPT! ALL: HURRAAAAAY!!!! ANGELUS: Come, my Princess. It is time to make you mine for all eternity. BUFFY: (backs away) Not a chance. ANGELUS: (pulls out Luke's lightsaber and ignites it) Take my hand, and I will spare your friends. BUFFY: (to Spike) Have you got any ideas? SPIKE: ME!? YOU'RE the bloody Slayer! BUFFY: Well, you better think of something, because if he turns me into a mummy, you're the first one I'm coming after. (steps toward Angelus) SPIKE: I'm beginnning to hate this movie. BUFFY: No kidding. Why am I supposed to go? What if he kills me anyway? ANGELUS: Well, that's the idea, baby. I'm supposed to kill you. SPIKE: Actually, you're supposed to lose. ANGELUS: (drags Buffy away) RUFIO: (follows) AUTHOR: Um.....Rufio? RUFIO: What? SVEN: The key? RUFIO: Right, excuse me, boys. (grabs the key from Xander) Thanks, man. Bye. ANGELUS: Kill them. AUTHOR: And now, the vampires move in. Spike, Xander, and Murdoc get away, and Giles is killed. Giles, you're dead. Join the Peanut Gallery. GILES: (shrugs, and sits down) AUTHOR: On to Jack! MURDOC: (to Spike) Let me get this straight....now, he's evil? WILLOW: Yes. MURDOC: Spike, you've changed. SPIKE: (looks at Willow, then at Murdoc) YUCK! MURDOC: So what's the deal? SPIKE: He's not Angel anymore. He's Angelus. MURDOC: (shrugs) So how did this happen? WILLOW: (to Author) How DID this happen? He had a soul, and now he doesn't? SVEN: Well, he DID suck dry a Jedi Master. AUTHOR: That could be part of it. XANDER: The Author did it. AUTHOR: (innocently) Me? --The people who know Angelus turn to glare-- AUTHOR: We'll put him back! Just finish the spoof! SVEN: (grins evilly) Air field! XANDER: Why don't I like that look? MURDOC: (reads the script) OH NO!!!! I QUIT!!!! XANDER: (reads over his shoulder) WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NIKKI: (incoherent laughter) Where's MacGyver? PENNY: He's dead. AUTHOR: We revive him at the end, like everyone else! They can watch the video! Now Jack, ACT! ROYAL AIR STRIP ******************** JACK: So, what's your little problem got to do with His Majesty's Royal Air Corps? SPIKE: Not a thing. JACK: Is it dangerous? SPIKE: You probably won't live through it. MURDOC: But then the rest of us probably won't either. JACK: (glares) AUTHOR: Ahem. JACK: Do you really think so? XANDER: Everybody else we've bumped into has died, why not you? JACK: What's the challenge then? SPIKE: Save the damsel in distress, kill the bad guy, and save the world. (stares at the script) Did I just say that? That sounds so stupid. AUTHOR: Yeah, but he went for it. JACK: I did? AUTHOR: Yes, now please continue. MURDOC: Out of the question. SVEN: Ardeth did it. XANDER: ( stares) MURDOC: He wasn't flying with JACK! JACK: Consider it payback for the BED and the CAB! SVEN: Look, Xander's speechless!! GILES: (pretends to have a heart attack) SPIKE: Hey, I get to use a machine gun! AUTHOR: Shut up and get on the plane. It's not THAT bad. MURDOC: Worse maybe. ARDETH: It wasn't that bad. MURDOC: Would you do it again? ARDETH: No. YAKKO: I wanna be tied to the wing of a plane! WAKKO: Ooo, me too!!!! DOT: I'll ride with Spike! SPIKE: Can she drop and anvil on Angelus? AUTHOR: (laughs) No. XANDER: Why not? AUTHOR: Because he's the star. We'll make him back into Angel later, now get on the PLANE!! No more stalling. ON THE PLANE AND IN THE SARAH DESSERT ************************************** --Jack is flting, chasing Angelus, who is a sand-storm. Murdoc is tied to one wing, and Xander is tied to the other--(under much protest)--Meanwhile, Rufio and Buffy are dropped to the ground, and Angelus returns to his human form.-- ANGELUS: This is great! (laughs) Not only am I out in the desert in the daylight, but I can turn into a sand-storm!!! RUFIO: That's DESSERT, mon, follow the script. ANGELUS: You know, I really don't need you. AUTHOR: Ahem...SCRIPT, or you can be Angel for the rest of it! ANGELUS: ( to Rufio) Can she do that? BUFFY: Yes. She can deactivate Spike's chip, too.` ANGELUS: Unfair. JARETH: Everyone else has dealt with unfair. Why should you be so special? AUTHOR: Story! You look up, and there's a plane. ANGELUS: No wait, it's a BIRD, no it IS a plane. No, it's....Spike, and three idiots. BUFFY: What makes them idiots? ANGELUS: Flying through a bad dust storm. (brings up a wall of sand) --The sand has his face in it-- SPIKE: Great, just what I've always wanted......To be eaten by Angel. MURDOC: Don't shoot it, you'll waste the ammunition. SPIKE: What if I gave him a mustache? SVEN: We'd all laugh. DOT: Look what I can do! --The face changes to a "Bambi" look, with a pink bow on its head-- SPIKE: I think I'm gonna be SICK!!! BUFFY: (stares from the ground) AUTHOR: At least it's not an anvil. MURDOC: Somehow, I'm glad I'm facing the other way. SPIKE: Great! NOW we're being eaten by a KEWPI DOLL!!!!! PEANUT GALLERY: (incoherent laughter) AUTHOR: The sand cloud swallows the plane, and Buffy kisses Angelus, to get him to stop. BUFFY: NO WAY!!! SPIKE, MURDOC, AND XANDER: We're screwed. JACK: WA-HOOOOO!!!!!! (concentrating on landing the plane) AUTHOR: Buffy kisses Angelus.......NOW!!!! BUFFY; They better be grateful for this. (kisses Angelus, distracting him) --The sand cloud falls, and the plane crashes-- ANGELUS: Oh well. At least ONE of them died. Spikey doesn't count, he's dead already. --The three of them walk away-- AT THE PLANE ********************** MURDOC: (frees himself with a hunting knife, and staggers a few feet) I'm alive! XANDER: (hangs upside down from the other wing) Excuse me, how about a little help here? SPIKE: (leaps out of the seat, and staggers) Wow, look at the pretty stars.... (falls over) AUTHOR: And Jack is dead. PENNY: He is? MURDOC: (moves to look) Um.....actually, he is...and my bloody CAMERA is TOO! AUTHOR: (as Bill Engvall) It was a' assident. TEAZER: Very funny. (she and Mungo drag the body away) MURDOC: (detatches the machine gun from the plane) XANDER: Hello!!!!! Can somebody get me OFF OF HERE!? SPIKE: (staggers over) Yeah, yeah. (cuts him loose) AUTHOR: Then the plane sinks, and they all watch.....guys? SPIKE, MURDOC AND XANDER: (walk away, toward Hamunaptra) SPIKE: (shakes his head) Too bad about the pilot. MURDOC: So what's this Horus look like? XANDER: I dunno. Some freaky animal-head statue. AUTHOR: So much for watching. Anyway, inside the underground area, Angelus, Rufio, and Buffy are walking down a stair case. HAMUNAPTRA ********************** BUFFY: (stops to look around) RUFIO: (nudges her) Keep moving. BUFFY: I AM the Slayer, you know. I could beat you to death in a second. HOOK: Can I watch? PETER: (nudges him) AUTHOR: Script! Back to Spike! SPIKE AND MURDOC: (are digging out a collapsed doorway) XANDER: Take those bigger stones first...come on, put your backs into it. SPIKE AND MURDOC: (turn to glare) SPIKE: You know, if Murdoc shoots you, I can eat you. MURDOC: (grins evily) SVEN: Oh great, Spike and Murdoc working together....be very afraid. XANDER: Forget I said anything. (busies himself looking at the jewels on the walls. Curious, he pulls one off to look at it) Hey, what is this? ARDETH: DROP IT!!! --Xander does not drop it fast enough, and the scarab burrows into his hand-- XANDER: (bloodcurdling scream) MURDOC AND SPIKE: (turn to stare) XANDER: Well, DO something! SPIKE: Wow. MURDOC: What's that? ARDETH: (jumps up with a knife, runs to Xander, and cuts out the scarab, flinging it across the floor) LEIA: (grabs Han's blaster, and shoots it) SPIKE AND MURDOC: (are still watching) SVEN: I thought we got rid of those. AUTHOR: So I missed one. Sue me. How was I supposed to know he would touch? By now, he should know better. SPIKE: THAT was a scarab? You should have left them in! MURDOC: No kiddin', that was great! AUTHOR: Fruitcakes. Angelus? ANGELUS: (dumps whatever was inside that jar--dried up organs, we assume--into his hand, and blows it at the wall) AUTHOR: He reads from the Book of Assassinations Weekly. ANGELUS: Hey, Murdoc's wanted! (reads on) "Armed and dangerous"......you don't say. --The mummies come loose from the wall-- GILES: How this is actually working, we have no idea. ANGELUS: Go wake the others, and kill those intruders! BUFFY AND RUFIO: (stare) RUFIO: Now that is freaky. BUFFY: (nods) AUTHOR: Yeah, but the others aren't real mummies. ARDETH: (stares at her) AUTHOR: So, we're cheap. It works, don't it? ARDETH: (shrugs) Very well. Continue. AUTHOR: You heard the man! Back to Spike! SPIKE: (to Xander) Don't touch anything! AUTHOR: They come out of the tunnel, and into a dark room. MURDOC: (shoots the mirror, across the room) --The light shines on it and the room lights up-- ALL: (stare) MUNGO: Is tha' real? ARDETH: Yes. SPIKE: I say forget the Slayer. She can handle this. MURDOC: (nods) TEAZER: Can we jus'? AUTHOR AND ARDETH: (laugh) NO! MUNGO: Bu' they are! AUTHOR: No they aren't. Isn't that right, Mr. Med-jai? ARDETH: (stands up with a rocket launcher) Right. XANDER: Who let him have that? AUTHOR: I did, now move it along. --The three continue, grumbling. Then, as they cross the room, mummies come in after them-- SPIKE: Who are these blokes? SVEN: Lost members of the Addams Family? JARETH: Somehow, I doubt that. MURDOC: Priests....Angelus' priests. SPIKE: Alright then. (opens fire on them) MURDOC: (lets loose with the machine gun, a maniac grin on his face) XANDER: (stares at him, and backs away) JACK B: Let's not ever really make this man mad. RUFIO: (enters the chamber and stares at the treasure) Cool. AUTHOR: Okay, back to Buffy, who was knocked out for a while. She wakes up, chained to the top of an alter, then turns to look beside her, where she finds Dru. BUFFY: THAT is Dru!? EEEEEWWWW! ANGELUS: What did you DO to her? AUTHOR: Well, she's supposed to look like that. It's in the script. Anyway, now Murdoc is on empty. MURDOC: (makes a face) Unfair. AUTHOR: And now they find Horus. SPIKE: (lights a stick of dynamite with his cigarette lighter, and throws it at the mummies---it seals the entrance) XANDER AND SPIKE: (start to dig at the statue) AUTHOR: Meanwhile, Angelus has the Book of Assassinations Weekly, and is preparing to wake up Dru. In Horus' chamber, the mummies are back again. SPIKE: These guys just don't quit, do they? AUTHOR: They run on Energizers. XANDER: Yeah, right. AUTHOR: Actually, they do. Pull their batteries out and they stop. MURDOC: Yeah, right. SARAH: Actually, with this Author, in this spoof, I wouldn't be surprised. AUTHOR: In Angelus' area, Angelus is reading the book. ANGELUS: Look! Uses for the rocket launcher! It can be used for blowing up cars, houses, people, animals...... DRU: (wakes up, and gives a bloodcurdling scream) AUTHOR: Horus' chamber! Spike and Xander pick up the gold Book of Life! SPIKE: YOW!!! (lets go as if burned) AUTHOR: Good thinkin', Kevin. Make it a Bible, he says. SPIKE: (studies his burnt hands) You could have mentioned that to start with! SVEN: Just means Angelus can't touch it either. MURDOC: Um...the mummies are back again. AUTHOR: And you get to go after them! MURDOC: (walks over to his chair, and switches the empty machine gun for his flamethrower) Come and get it!!! We'll FRY those batteries out of ya!!! (runs into the passage, flaming mummies left and right) SPIKE AND XANDER: (stare) SPIKE: I like this guy. PENNY: You WOULD! AUTHOR: Back to Angelus, Dru and Buffy! DRU: Wha' 'ave you done to me!???? (screams again) ANGELUS: (holds the dagger above Buffy) With your death, Dru and I shall be invincible!!! DRU: (looks up) Is tha' you, my Angelus? ANGELUS: That's right, baby! Bye-bye, Buffy! XANDER: I FOUND it, Buffy! The Book of the Living! BUFFY: Shut up and get me off of here! ANGELUS: Somebody get rid of him, and bring me that book! --The mummy priests come after Xander-- SPIKE: (slips in, unnoticed, grabs a sword from a statue, and knocks the dagger out of Angelus' hand.) --The mummy priests turn toward Spike-- BUFFY: Open the book, Xander! It's the only way to kill him! SPIKE: (is hacking up mummies) XANDER: I can't open it! We need the key! BUFFY: It's in his robes! ANGELUS: (picks up a sword and comes after Xander) AUTHOR: During all this, Rufio has swiped a bag of gold and comes back for more. RUFIO: Yeah, RIGHT! No WAY! I read de script! (rides off with his treasure) MUNGO: Tha's no' fair! AUTHOR: Back to Angelus! SPIKE: (cuts one of Buffy's chains, and is knocked of his feet by half a mummy) DOT: My turn! (an anvil falls on the mummy) SVEN: Not fair! AUTHOR: Dot, you aren't the Slayer anymore! Go sit down! SPIKE: (gets back up, and frees Buffy from the alter) XANDER: I'm supposed to read an inscription, but I can't read this! AUTHOR: Kevin, what language is that in? KEVIN: Ida' know. ARDETH: (comes to look) Arabic. I can read this. (reads half of the inscription) --A group of mummies, resembling Angels, marches in, with various weapons-- SPIKE: This just gets better and better. ARDETH: (stares at the Angel mummies) Interesting. XANDER: Oh boy. BUFFY: Xander, do something. XANDER: ME!? HE read the book! (points at Ardeth) BUFFY: Finish the inscription on the cover! DRU: (jumps up, behind Buffy with a knife) --The two proceed to fight-- ANGELUS: And now, what about a little payback? Kill him! (points at Spike) SPIKE: WHAT!? --The Angel mummies run up to him-- SPIKE: (holds up his sword and screams) MUMMIES: (scream louder) SPIKE: Huh-uh. (turns and runs) MUMMIES: (chase him) BUFFY: (fighting Dru) Hurry up, Xander. XANDER: (elbows Ardeth) Come on, finish it! ARDETH: (is watching Spike, with interest) SPIKE: (is still running from mummies--finally, he turns and is fighting a few of them) BUFFY: (is still fighting Dru) Today please! ARDETH: (is still watching) MUMMIES: (jump for Spike, weapons out) ARDETH: (finishes the inscription) SPIKE: (is laying on the floor, with the weapons at his face, when the mummies remove them and turn toward Ardeth) ANGELUS: I said KILL HIM! SPIKE: (moves away) ARDETH: Go get Drusilla. SPIKE: Is that good or bad? MUMMIES: (run for Dru, and stab her repeatedly) BUFFY: Like that will really work. ANGELUS: (charges Xander, who drops the book, and backs away) XANDER: Hey, HE did it, not me! ANGELUS: Yeah, but the script says YOU did. (picks him up by his shirt) SPIKE: (runs up and slices Angelus' arm off, causin’ him to drop Xander) XANDER: (jumps away from the arm in disgust) ANGELUS: (looks at where his arm was and glares) That wasn't very nice, Rollerboy! (picks Spike up and throws him across the room, before retrieving his arm and sticking it back on) PENNY: Ew. YAKKO: Neat trick! BUFFY: The arm or throwing Spike? WAKKO: Both. XANDER: (holds up the key) Hey, I picked his pocket! (runs over to Buffy and Ardeth with the gold book) BUFFY: (to Spike) Keep him busy! ANGELUS: (picks Spike up, and throws him into a wall) SPIKE: (as he lands) No problem. ANGELUS: That was for the TIRE IRON! And when I get through with you, you really WILL need that wheelchair! ARDETH: (looking through the gold Bible) What am I supposed to read in here? AUTHOR: Anything! BUFFY: Are you sure we can't just watch him get beat up a little longer? ANGELUS: (picks Spike up by his neck, and holds up a stake) --A group of Jawas dance through in a kick-line-- ALL: (stop to watch) ARDETH: (continues watching until Xander nudges him) What? XANDER: Read. ANGELUS: (turns back to Spike and slams the stake through his heart) SPIKE: BLOODY HELL!!! ANGELUS: Wait a minute! (pulls the stake back out) What is this? AUTHOR: Ardeth, today! ARDETH: (reads a verse in Arabic) ANGEL: (drops Spike and looks around) What's going on here? SPIKE: (lays back on the floor with his hand over his chest) If I EVER catch the bloke who invented plastic stakes, I'm gonna KILL him!!!! MISTO: I thought it was supposed to kill Angel. BUFFY: Angel? ANGEL: What happened here? SVEN: You staked Spike. ANGEL: I did? (looks at Spike, who glares) Well, at least I got you back for the paint in my hair. MUNGO: Do we kill 'im now? AUTHOR: Spike does. SPIKE: (grins) PAYBACK!!!! (jumps up, grabs the sword, and runs Angel through) ANGEL: HEY! I didn't do that to YOU! YAKKO: No, but you DID throw him across the room a few times. AUTHOR: And Angel dies saying? ANGEL: (as the Terminator) I'll be back. (leaves the set) SVEN: What about the whole place getting buried? Rufio left! AUTHOR: Misto? MISTO: (grins,, and pulls the lever, using magic) --As the place collapses, the three run for it. Xander drops the book-- SPIKE: Nice job, idiot! XANDER: It was in the script! --They continue running through the treasure room-- SPIKE AND XANDER: (stop to look) BUFFY: (gives them both a shove) MOVE! --They all continue running-- SPIKE: Really doesn't seem fair--Rufio got to keep some. AUTHOR: No he didn't. He put it back. ARDETH: Under protest. AUTHOR: Okay anyway, the place collapses, they get out, and Murdoc freaks them out by sneaking up on them-- MURDOC: I have that affect sometimes. AUTHOR: Then Buffy and Spike kiss. BUFFY: NO WAY!!! SPIKE: (rolls his eyes) Stupid bint. AUTHOR: I SAID Buffy and Spike kiss! Or would you rather kiss Abominable? BUFFY: I'd rather kiss Abominable. SPIKE: Dot, get the camera. MURDOC: This I gotta see! AUTHOR: Last chance, Buffy. Spike or Abominable? SPIKE: Nice knowin' you........George. BUFFY: (decks Spike) JARETH: (gives her bunny ears) AUTHOR: ABOMINABLE!!!! WE FOUND GEORGE!!! ABOMINABLE: D'oh, George, you should not have tried to run away. Now I will have to spank you. (picks up Buffy, and leaves with her) SPIKE: (rolls on the ground in hysterics) That was worth getting decked for! ARDETH: And you were going to do this to ME!? AUTHOR: (nods) Yep. Aren't you glad you didn't screw up again? ARDETH: (makes a face) Ewwww. XANDER: Are we done? SVEN: Yep. AUTHOR: End of the spoof! Thank you everyone! AFTER THE SPOOF *********************** --They all watch the video-- ANGEL: I can't believe I missed the whole second half of it! HAN: No kiddin'. Now what was the 'Tire iron' thing about? SPIKE: (looks innocently at the ceiling) What tire iron? LUKE: Do I get my lightsaber back? CASSI: (eating popcorn) I think Angel still has it. ANGEL: Not that I know of. SVEN: Give it back, Murdoc. MURDOC: Do I HAVE to? CASSI: 'Fraid so, man. XANDER: Where's Buffy at? SPIKE: On her honeymoon, perhaps? LUKE: Ewwww. CASSI: (to Ardeth) So, are you sorry you let us trash Egypt? ARDETH: (thinks about it) Can we keep the Jawas? ALL: (laugh) NO!!!!!! THE END!!!! (hope you enjoyed that!!! Review please!!!! ************************************************ COMING SOON: "ROBIN HOOD: SPIKE, (AND A LOT OF OTHER GUYS) IN TIGHTS" (posted under "TV Shows/ Buffy the Vampire Slayer) ALSO BY EVIL SPOOF AUTHORS: "STAR WARS: THE NEW SPOOF" (evilspoofauthor1/Sven) under "Movies/StarWars" "LABYRINTH, A SPOOF" (evilspoofauthor2/Cassi) under "Movies/Labyrinth" "STAR WARS: THE SPOOF STRIKES BACK (Sven) "Movies/Star Wars" "DOT: THE VAMPIRE SLAYER" (Cassi) "TV Shows/Buffy..." "STAR WARS: SHADOWS OF THE SPOOF" (Sven) "Movies/StarWars" (then again, you could just look them up under our names--easier to find) And if we have anything more to say about it, there will be a lot more!!!^_^ Okay, this is new....I just had to add this on to the story.....before the second one comes out. ******************************************************************************** The first story is over, BUT I realized I had not finished a few things. I missed a few mistakes, and I never mentioned who won Oscars for this piece of work! OSCARS ******** Well, Buffy didn't get one as she refused to kiss Spike, BUT Spike, Murdoc, Xander, Giles, Angel/ Angelus, Kurt Wagner, Han Solo, Scott Summers, Rufio, MacGyver, and Luke Skywalker did. And they really did deserve it...especially Giles for that performance in the museum with Buffy. ANYWAY, I also forgot a few mistakes. Like mentioning the fact that Peter should have stopped to button his shirt up before running into the wall....? Fortunately, we didn't do that scene, so it didn't matter. HOWEVER!!! --on the plane.. I DID forget to mention that after Buffy says the line about being back in Hamunaptra, and they look up to see the plane.....somehow the two on the wings switched wings in mid-flight. How, we do not know, but it was so in the movie as Ardeth was wearing black and Jonathan was wearing white, so you could visibly see when the LEFT wing dips, the wing that Jonathan SHOULD have been on....the guy on it was wearing black, then in the next scene, they are back on the correct wings, so evidently Ardeth and Jonathan played musical wings, not once, but TWICE during the flight. Had I seen this before the spoof was written, I would have stressed it. Are you paying attention Emerald Redfern!? PLEASE get the wing-switching in your spoof! I know it's a little late for the Warden thing, but PLEASE get the WING SWITCH!!! Love you lots!!! --Cassi!!!