"THE VAMPIRE MUMMY RETURNS" By Cassi (evilspoofauthor2) Episode/Spoof #19 Season 4 Parody of "The Mummy Returns" starring Brandon Fraiser and Oded Fehr....because I think he's more important than Evelyn. That's why. No offense to her fans, but I'm a fan of Ardeth. ALL: DUHHHH!!!! DISCLAIMER: Read the cast sheet, people. We don't own them. Original characters by: Cassi (Bob, Harley, Bites With a Passion, Cassie Wolfgirl, & Chris Mason) Sven: (Fiddles, & Krissy Animal Girl) Lady Caillean (Stephan) Okay, this passes the season change, as you should have already read in the beginning of Star Wars, so you know what seasons this takes place. Dinosaurs are from Jurassic Park 1- 3, but the names and personalities belong to us, and the Jawa Dink-Dinks are ours. CAST SHEET **************** RICK O'CONNELL...............................................................Spike (BtVS) EVELYN O'CONNELL.........................................................Buffy Summers (BtVS) IMHOTEP.............................................................................Angel/Angelus (BtVS & Angel) ARDETH BAY.....................................................................Murdoc (MacGyver) ANCK-SU-NAMUN...........................................................Drusilla (BtVS) JONATHAN CARNAHAN...............................................Xander Harris (BtVS) ALEX O'CONNELL.............................................................Boyo (X-Babies) SCORPION KING................................................................Colossus (X-Men) HAFEZ (CURATOR)..........................................................Dr. Hannibal Lecter (Silence of the Lambs) LOCK-"JAW"......................................................................Frank Colton (MacGyver) SPIVEY..................................................................................Andrew (BtVS-'Trio') JACQUES..............................................................................Warren (BtVS-'Trio') RED........................................................................................Jonathan (BtVS-'Trio') HORUS..................................................................................Stephan (as a falcon) IZZY......................................................................................Lando Calrissian (StarWars) PHARAOH...........................................................................Kurt Wagner "Nightcrawler" (X-Men) JONATHAN'S DATE.........................................................Anyanka (BtVS) MED-JAI WARRIORS.......................................................Assassins PYGMIES..............................................................................Bamfs & the Raptor Squad CURATOR'S MEN..............................................................Vampires & Clones ANUBIS SOLDIERS...........................................................As Themselves EXTRA CAST MEMBER ********************** TOUR GUIDE.......................................................................Dot Warner (Animaniacs) PEANUT GALLERY ******************* Sven, Chris Mason, Imhotep, Glorificus "Mummy" (BtVS), Ardeth Bay, John Carter (ER), Rick O'Connell, Evelyn O'Connell, Alex O'Connell, Dawn Summers (BtVS), Jonathan Carnahan, Penny Parker-Carnahan (MacGyver), Angus MacGyver (Duh), Nikki Carpenter (MacGyver), Richard Langly (Lone Gunmen), John F Byers (Lone Gunmen), Melvin Frohike (Lone Gunmen), Fran Sheffield, Maxwell Sheffield, CC Babcock (The Nanny), Rupert Giles (BtVS), Jareth, Sarah Williams (Labyrinth), Fox Mulder, Dana Scully (X-Files), Porthos, Aramis (3 Musketeers), Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, Leia Solo, Mara Jade (StarWars), Jimmy Bond, Yves Adele Harlow (Lone Gunmen), Ian Malcom, Alan Grant, Ellie Satler, Sarah Harding (Jurassic Park), Yakko & Wakko Warner (Animaniacs), Mr. Mistoffelees (Cat), Scott Summers, Logan Wolverine (X-Men), The X-Babies, The Brotherhood of Mutant Bullies, Legolas, Aragorn, Meriadoc Brandybuck, Peregrin Took (Lord of the Rings), Darth Vader (StarWars), Corsair (X-Men), Lorne, Fred, Cordelia Chase, Charles Gunn (Angel), Luke Duke, Bo Duke, Daisy Duke (Dukes of Hazzard), Cosmo Renfro, Sam Gerard, Bobby Biggs (US Marshals), Michael "Crocodile" Dundee (duh), Roland Tembo (Jurassic 2), and Burt Gummer (Tremors). ALSO FEATURING ****************** Jigglypuff, Pikachu, Cassie Wolfgirl, Ash Ketchum, Timmy Compy, Betsy, Harley, Bites With a Passion, Rufio, Krissy Animal Girl, Fiddles, The UC Undercover Team, Caillean Greywolf (owns Stephan), Dylan Skyler (Author's friend), and a few surprises.... BABYSITTERS (from XMen Evolution)--Younger versions of the older ones are followed by the #2 **************************************************************************** Kurt Wagner2, Kitty Pryde 2, Evan "Spyke", Todd "Toad", Lance "Avalanche", & Pietro "Quicksilver" SECURITY *********** Ryan Gaerity (Blown Away), Nick V Raptor, Steve V Raptor, Sara Raptor, Bridget Raptor, Bill Spino, Ralph T Rex and the Raptor Squad. MEDICAL *********** Mungojerrie, Rumpelteazer (Cats), The ER team, Dr. Hologram, 7 of 9 (Voyager), Sam Daniels & Major Salt (Outbreak) ASSISTANTS ************* Prince John (Robin Hood MIT), Niles (The Nanny), and Dr Robert Romano (ER) **See? I told you he was coming back ^_^Although, he is not present until Jurassic Spoof: The Lost World starts. ** CAMERA CAT: Bob, the Bobcat ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ BEFORE THE SPOOF ******************* --Author, John and Niles are pouring over the cast sheet-- JOHN: You'll want to remove that. AUTHOR: Why? NILES: We don't want to scare anyone. AUTHOR: (shrugs) They’re gonna find out anyway. JOHN: Surprise them. AUTHOR: (takes the part about the Anubis soldiers off the list) ARDETH: (walks in with Horus and part of the Med-jai) Are we late? AUTHOR: Early. How's the leg? ARDETH: Fine, as long as I'm not around anymore dinosaurs. JOHN: Ehh....well, there's a slight catch to that one. ARDETH: (groans) They’re not in this one, are they? AUTHOR: Well....they ARE here. But that's not what we're meaning. ARDETH: (backs Cassi into a wall) And what exactly are you MEANING!? AUTHOR: (innocently) We’re also doing Jurassic, Lost World and you're the star. ARDETH: WHAT!? JOHN: (pulls him off the Author before he can do something stupid) Don’t worry about it. You also star with Rick, Evelyn and Imhotep. RICK: What was that? ARDETH: You don't want to know. (heads for the bathroom, looking sick) SPIKE: I’m BAAAACK!!! (enters with the rest of the "Buffy" group) 'Ey, where's Mr. Med-jai going? NILES: We think he's throwing up in the bathroom, but we're not sure. BUFFY: Over this spoof?! What's going on? JOHN: Not this spoof. We told him he's staring in Jurassic two. ALEX: What's Jurassic two? RICK: (thinks a moment) Wait a sec....does that mean....we--? AUTHOR: (smiles) RICK: I'm gonna go check on Ardeth. (runs for the bathroom) WAGNER: (bamfs in as the Pharaoh) I LOVE ZHIS ROLE!!!! SVEN: (enters with Chris) We’re here, you can start now. JOHN: No we can't. We don't have Murdoc and Colossus. MURDOC: (enters in costume) Do I have to use this thing, or can I use a lightsaber? (holds out the scimitar) NILES: Both...and a Thompson. MURDOC: (grins) I love this role. --The Author and assistant exchange a look-- WAGNER: (reads the cast) Zhe Bamfs are in zhis? AUTHOR: Yep....only ones that fit the roles. EVELYN: What's a Bamf? MISTO: Demonic plush toys that look like Pharaoh over there. About this big. (holds his paw about a foot and a half off the floor) EVELYN: Pygmies, right? JOHN: Yep. ARDETH: (leaves the bathroom, still looking sick) RICK: (follows him out) Um....about this dinosaur spoof....do we live? MALCOM: I'm still alive, and so is Sarah. RICK: Yeah, but do I live? HARDING: Who do you play? RICK: (looks at the Author) AUTHOR: And spoil the surprise? Wait and find out. We're working on THIS spoof now. Where IS everyone? --Most of the cast has arrived, including the babysitters-- FRANK: I'm working with Hannibal Lecter? LECTER: (looks over his shoulder) I have another star role? AUTHOR: You're a great actor. RICK: Yeah, well don't celebrate. That guy Hafez was cut into about 12 different pieces. DRU: (enters) Who was cu' up? LECTER: (gives a creepy grin) Interesting. DRU: (looks at him for a moment and shrugs) Wheah's moi Angelus? JOHN: We hid him. He has to get into character. SPIKE: (makes a face) Right. BOYO: Daddy!!!! (jumps into Spike's arms) Mommy doesn't love me!!!! SPIKE: Buffy, that's not very motherly. You need to be nicer to our child. XANDER: Great...I know what I'll be hearing for the rest of my life. LOGAN: Hey, she's my wife, too! LORNE: (enters) Someone call Jerry Springer. This just keeps getting funnier. SVEN: Where's Pippin? AUTHOR: Looks around) Forget him. Where's Lego? **i.e. Legolas. Cassi loves to mess up names* SPIKE: (instinctively checks for his cigarettes and sighs to find them still in his costume) JOHN: (looks around) Who’s missing? LANGLY: Aside of the rats? Not a clue. EVELYN: Jonathan's missing....and Penny. AUTHOR: They're not important. Where's Colossus? We can't start without him. He's the Scorpion King and he's in the first scene. COLOSSUS: (enters in costume) How do I look? RICK: Aside of the fact that he's not a giant bug? MERRY: Who's a giant bug? AUTHOR: Meria, glad you could finally grace us with your presence. Where's Per? **i.e. Pippin or Peregrin** MERRY: Huh? SVEN: She found out how your names are spelled. You'll never live it down. CHRIS: Meria??!? AUTHOR: That's how it's spelled. Meria-doc and Per-egran. SPIKE: Just like Lego-lass. LEGOLAS: Right, Spick. NILES: Are we about to start yet? AUTHOR: Yep. Colossus, put this on. (hands him a gold scorpion bracelet) EVELYN: Is that-- JOHN: Nah, found it in a Cracker Jacks box. Try not to break it. COLOSSUS: Got it. JONATHAN & PENNY: (enter) JONATHAN C: Are we late? **As we have Jonathan from the Trio on set, we will call Mr. Carnahan with his initial** NILES: No, sit down. BUFFY: (looks around) Hold it. Where's my arch-nemeses...sees? AUTHOR: (looks around) Where ARE those clowns? SVEN: Hacking into Jimmy Hoffa's Email with the three stooges? LANGLY: If they are, they're doing it without me. JOHN: They'll get here. STEPHAN: Am I playing another bird? ARDETH: You're playing Horus. (pets his bird) STAPHAN: Well, at least it's actually a flacon this time. MURDOC: Are we ready to start now? JOHN: Places! City of Thebes. Two armies duking it out. Colossus is in the lead of one. AUTHOR: ACTION!!!! THE SPOOF ***************** MURDOC: 5000 years ago, a fierce warrior known as the Scorpion Colossus lead a great army on a campaign to conquer the known world...which we all know wasn't very large. COLOSSUS: (gives a battle cry, shifts to metal, and the armies attack each other) RICK: The Scorpion King is made of METAL!? (looks at Spike) Good luck. SPIKE: I'll worry about him after we get past the Raptor Squad and the Bamfs. SARA: Smart choice. We can't wait. MURDOC: May I continue....BEFORE the battle's over? PIPPIN: Script says they go to the....dessert. Battle's over. (looks at Sven) Does that mean they eat? SVEN: Wrong dessert. AUTHOR: Murdoc...continue. MURDOC: After a vicious campaign that lasted seven long years, the Scorpion King and his army were defeated, and driven deep into the sacred dessert of Am-Share. JONATHAN C: Am-Share? ARDETH: The last one was the Sarah Dessert. EVELYN: Different. --Colossus and his army stagger through the dessert, one by one, the army spontaneously combusts-- MURDOC: Vampires? JOHN: Less work for the meds. SAM: The meds appreciate that. DOCTOR HOLOGRAM: Greatly. MURDOC: (shrugs and continues) One by one, they slowly perished under the scorching sun....until only the great warrior was left alive. COLOSSUS: (falls to his knees) MURDOC: Near death, the Scorpion Colossus made a pact with the dark god, Anubis. --As Colossus is shouting God-knows-what in Russian at the sky, a man walks in, wearing a cloak-- PIPPIN: (as he sees the man, conveniently disappears, scampering in to join the Jawas) MURDOC: (continues)....that if Anubis would spare his life and let him conquer his enemies, he would give him his soul. SPIKE: Are you sure that's what he said? JOHN: No, he could be saying the Russian ABC's for all we know, but it sounded good. AUTHOR: Hold it...who are you? --The man removes his hood to reveal Aragorn-- ARAGORN: I am looking for a Knight. NILES: We have a KNIGHT?! SVEN: We have Merry and Pippin. SPIKE: The rodents are KNIGHTS!? AUTHOR: You! King with all the names! Sit down! You're interrupting Mr. Fake Med-jai! ARAGORN: I am looking-- JOHN: We know! We heard you! We don't--where ARE those rodents, anyway?! LEGOLAS: (steps up) This way. (leads Aragorn over to a corner to talk) ARDETH: (joins them) AUTHOR: Murdoc, please continue. MURDOC: Scorpion? --A scorpion crawls out of the sand and up to Colossus-- COLOSSUS: (makes a face and picks it up) Do I have to? ARDETH: (turns around) YES! (turns back to Aragorn and Leggo) JOHN: You heard the man. Hold your nose and take a bite. COLOSSUS: (holds his nose and takes his bite) XANDER: (watching) Is that okay? COLOSSUS: (making a face) Tastes like chicken. GLORY: Eeewww. MURDOC: Anubis accepted his offer, and spared his life. AUTHOR: And then a big forest sprouts up around him, creating the Oasis of Am-Share. ARAGORN: What is going on? ARDETH: The Vampire Mummy Returns. Play along. ARAGORN: (nods) And where are Merry and Pippin? LEGOLAS: (Looks around) Ask the Jawas. AUTHOR: (sighs) PER!!!! GET YOUR FUZZY-FOOTED SELF BACK IN HERE AND TALK TO YOUR KING!!!! And don't let him escape. We have a part for him in Jurassic two. ARAGORN: Escape? ARDETH: (looks Aragorn up and down) Nice knowing you. (rejoins the Peanut Gallery) PIPPIN: (hurries back in, looking guilty) SVEN: Go talk to your King like a good pint-sized Knight. (Looks at Aragorn) You can't have him, he's MINE, ALL MINE!!!! PIPPIN & MERRY: (join Legolas and Aragorn) AUTHOR: On with the spoof! Murdoc, continue the narration, we don't have Anubis Soldiers... (quietly) yet....so just continue the narration. MURDOC: Right. Anubis gave the Scorpion Colossus command of his army, and like an evil flood, they washed away all that lay before them. When his task was done, Anubis forced the Scorpion Colossus to serve him for all time. His army was returned to the sands from whence they came, where they wait.... silently, to be awakened once again.... RUFIO: And the moral, never let Anubis get your soul. SVEN: Or any dark god for that matter. JOHN: End narration! Very good, Murdoc! Have a seat. We need the Trio, Buffy, Spike, and Boyo. Are you guys finished there? ARAGORN: (takes a seat in the Peanut Gallery next to Legolas) Continue please. It sounds interesting. AUTHOR: Spike and Boyo! ACTION! EGYPT 1933 ************** SPIKE: Wait a second! The last movie took place in 1926! How do we have an 8 year old son? JOHN: Is he serious? AUTHOR: He has a point. I double checked the date, just to be sure. RICK: It was supposed to have been 9 years later. NILES: So the movie screwed up. BUFFY: I'll say. I was never good at math, but I only counted 7 years in there. AUTHOR: Forget the date, and just do the spoof. Spike is walking through the tunnel with a torch in his hand. SPIKE: Okay, what exactly am I doing? JOHN: What are you deaf? She just told you. SPIKE: (glares) I mean why? ALL: (look at Rick) RICK: (rolls his eyes) I heard noises and I went to check it out. SPIKE: Right. Funny noises in a tomb. (pulls out his gun) NILES: And he rounds the corner, and--? BOYO: (screams) ALL: (cover their ears) --Anyone on the set with sensitive ears, including the Author and Sven, fall to the floor, clutching their ears.-- SPIKE: (from the floor) Bloody HELL!!! SHUT UP BEFORE YOU WAKE THE DEAD AND THE WHOLE PLACE CAVES IN!!!! GLORY: Ugh, headache. AUTHOR: (passes a bottle of Excedrin around, after swallowing two pills) BOYO: He was pointing a GUN at me!! My Daddy tried to KILL me!!! ALEX: Wow. How did he do that? SVEN: They don't call him Baby Banshee for nothing. ARAGORN: (massages his head) Interesting child. AUTHOR: Continue...and Spike? Try not to scare him again. SPIKE: (gets off the floor) WHAT!? AUTHOR: (yelling) TRY NOT TO SCARE HIM AGAIN!! SPIKE: Right...thanks...I think. (glances at the script) Boyo? BOYO: You were expecting the Mummy? SPIKE: You weren't there. Don't patronize me. What are you doing here? I told you-- BOYO: But-- SPIKE: . . . to wait--to wait-- BOYO: But-- SPIKE...in the temple. BOYO: But-- SPIKE: No buts! Get up there! BOYO: But Daddy Spike, I saw your tattoo! XANDER: Spike has a tattoo? RICK: (holds up his arm) AUTHOR: Yeah, that little thing that was on his hand between his thumb and finger got bigger and moved up to his wrist. Couple more movies and it'll be on his shoulder. SVEN: Movie people weren't very good, were they? AUTHOR: Nope, continue. SPIKE: My what? BOYO: (pulls off Spike's wristband to reveal the tattoo we so nicely gave him before the spoof) On a wall by the entrance! There's a picture just like it! SPIKE: Okay, I'll be up to take a look at that in a minute. In the meantime-- BOYO: But-- SPIKE: I want you-- BOYO: But-- SPIKE: . . . to wait out there. BOYO: But-- SPIKE: Would you stop with the "but"'s? You sound like a motorboat! BOYO: But-- SPIKE: Pick up your stuff and get LOST! BOYO: Daddy doesn't LOVE me!!!! ARDETH & IMHOTEP: (laughing) RICK: That's not how it went. EVELYN: It better not be. ALEX: They're messing it up, Mum. JOHN: Story! BOYO: What am I supposed to do? SPIKE: Go kill some mice by screaming at them or something. BOYO: Okay. (exits) SPIKE: (shouts after him) Just don't wake the DEAD!!! (quietly) So your mother can desecrate another tomb without having people jump out at her. EVELYN: (gives Rick a Look) RICK: That is NOT what I said. AUTHOR: Would you two quit pointing out every single detail!? This is a SPOOF! It's our job to screw the whole thing up and make fun of the original characters! You should see the things Ardeth said about you in the LAST one....and that was BEFORE we made him insane!!! EVELYN: Reeeeaaalllly? (gives Ardeth a Look) ARDETH: (looks innocently at the ceiling) JOHN: They can see the video later. Act now. IMHOTEP: (chuckling) I already saw it. I liked the Med-jai with the flamethrower. JONATHAN C: (stares at Ardeth) ARDETH: (sighs) Not ME! Murdoc! I had the rocket launcher. RICK: Found a new toy, did we? ARDETH: (grins) AUTHOR: SCRIPT! Buffy's turn. BUFFY: (is brushing cobwebs and dust from a picture of 2 women fighting on the wall, when a snake slithers up to her foot) Go away. (she kicks it airborne, where it flies just past Spike's head, and lands near the Peanut Gallery) MURDOC: (screams and jumps into a chair) COSMO: (jumps 2 feet and backs off) Geez, would you TELL a person before you send a SNAKE airborne at them!? SPIKE: (to Buffy) Those are poisonous, you know. BUFFY: Only if they bite you. MURDOC: (still on the chair) Can someone get this THING away from me!? DUNDEE: (walks over, picks up the snake and breaks its neck) Bettah? MURDOC: Can you get rid of it now? DUNDEE: Yeh, sure. (throws the snake away) --Murdoc climbs off of the chair, and Cosmo returns to his seat-- MURDOC: Thank you. DUNDEE: Any toime, mate. (they shake hands, and Mick walks back to his seat between Roland and Burt) RICK: That's something new. MURDOC: (glares) What?! RICK: Don't always see Med-jai afraid of snakes. MURDOC: I'm an Assassin, too, you know. Shut up, before I shoot you. RICK: Just saying. JOHN: Back off. Buffy and Spike, continue. BUFFY: (shrugs) What was that all about? SPIKE: You just threw a snake at Murdoc, didn't you notice? BUFFY: (glares) I mean the part about BOYO! SPIKE: Oh, right. Nothing. Boyo just wanted to show me something. I swear that kid gets more like you every day. BUFFY: A good fighter, attractive and charming? SPIKE: Nah, he's driving me insane. (kisses her) BUFFY: (gives him a Look) Thanks...I think. DAWN: She lets him kiss her now? AUTHOR: We bribed her. (grins) Besides, she's going for an Oscar. She lost it last time because she didn't kiss him. SPIKE: Where were we? BUFFY: Hammer and chisel. (hands them to him) SPIKE: (looks at the little tools and stares at her like she's insane) BUFFY: (shrugs) Okay, we'll do it the easy way. 1......2.....3! --They both kick the door at the same time, causing it to fall forward-- EVELYN: Well, that's not fair. JOHN: So our Rick and Evelyn have super strength. Sue us. BUFFY: (stares into the room and leaps into Spike's arms) ACK! --The place is a tomb with dead skeletons all over and tarantulas and scorpions all over the floor-- MURDOC: There aren't any snakes in there, are there? AUTHOR: No. SPIKE: (shrugs and carries her in, stepping on the little creatures as he goes) BUFFY: That's gross. SPIKE: What? You're the Slayer. I thought you could handle stuff like this. They're only dead people. BUFFY: (jumps down, indignant) I don't care about the dead people! It the stuff all over the FLOOR!! SPIKE: They're just bugs. BUFFY: That I don't want crawling up my legs! AUTHOR: If and when you two are finished arguing, could you just continue the spoof? BUFFY: Ever since I had that dream, this place is all I can think about. SPIKE: And ever since you had that dream, I haven't been able to get a good day's sleep. RICK: Day? NILES: Vampire. BUFFY: I feel like I've been here before......I know I've been here before. SPIKE: Nobody's been here in quite a few years....except for these guys. (points at the skeletons) BUFFY: (pulls a lever on the wall, opening up another door) Then how do I seem to know exactly where I'm going? SPIKE: (gives her a "duh" look) Because you read it in the script, like everybody else. GILES: Buffy read the SCRIPT!? ARDETH: No! BUFFY: Funny. AUTHOR: We need to go to the temple and Warren, Jonathan, and Andrew, we need you guys. WARREN: (holding his script) Ready. XANDER: They seem so enthusiastic. GILES: They'll get over it. TEMPLE *********** BOYO: (has already killed every mouse in the temple, as well as shattered all the pottery) SVEN: Nice job, Boyo. BOYO: I got rid of the mice, didn't I? POUNCE & TUMBLE: (are running around, getting rid of the evidence) --Boyo hears voices and climbs to the top of a scaffold, ducking out of sight-- JONATHAN (trio): Knock knock! Anyone home? WARREN: How come he's in the lead? AUTHOR: Because the shortest one was....besides, the one you play was smarter. WARREN: Oh, okay. ANDREW: That doesn't seem fair. JOHN: Will you guys just do your parts? JONATHAN: You two check out that stuff...see if it's there. I'll sort out the Slayer and Spike. (pulls his gun) I don't have to shoot them, do I? AUTHOR: You don't get the chance. TOMB ********* AUTHOR: Buffy has a vision, but we're skipping it. Just wave your torch. SPIKE: (working on the door) BUFFY: (waves her torch back and forth, really fast) SPIKE: (looks up) You know if you move that thing fast enough, you can almost write your name? BUFFY: I just had a vision. SPIKE: Of what? BUFFY: I don't know, we skipped it. EVELYN: (groans) ARDETH: (snickering) SPIKE: Hello? Read the script. BUFFY: (pulls out the script) Oh look, it tells how to open that door. SPIKE: (looks it up) How 'bout that. BUFFY: (gets the door open, and the two of them enter the room) TEMPLE ********** BOYO: (climbs down) You guys wanna play cards? WARREN & ANDREW: (look at the Author) AUTHOR: (shrugs) Have at it. BOYO: (grins and deals for Poker) TOMB ********** JONATHAN: (enters the tomb, the screams as the scorpions and spiders climb his ankles) SPIKE: Way to let us know you're there! JONATHAN: (runs back out of the tomb, slapping his ankles frantically) GET 'EM OFF!!!!!!! BUFFY: I'm not touching them. --Aragorn and Legolas jump up and start picking the creatures off-- ARDETH: (is too busy chatting with Carter to even notice) BUFFY: Was he supposed to be sneaking up on us? NILES: Yes. SPIKE: Nice job. I was completely surprised, mate. AUTHOR: Um, you two are supposed to be getting the Bracelet. SPIKE: Oh right. Shall we? BUFFY: Yeah, we might as well. (pulls the cobwebs off a gold disk) That's the emblem of the Scorpion King. He's supposed to be pure myth. No trace of him has ever been found. No facts, no evidence..... geez, she talks a lot. Why didn't she just say they have nothin' on him? XANDER: Because she's like Giles....English woman and Curator. EVELYN: (looks at Giles) Really? GILES: Yes, actually. EVELYN: We should talk more. GILES: (smiles) Definitely. JOHN: How bout you stop talking so we can get the Bracelet out? GILES: Right, sorry. Carry on. BUFFY: (motions to the chest) Let's open this. AUTHOR: Jonathan is supposed to be in the doorway. JONATHAN: I'm not going back in there. Those things could be poisonous. ALEX: Mum and Dad did it....and so did Spike. ANDREW: Spike's already dead. It doesn't matter. AUTHOR: Excuse me, it's Spike's line. Could the rest of you shut up? ANDREW: Shutting up. SPIKE: Is it safe to say this? I've heard bad things about this line. JOHN: Bad things happen anyway. Just read it. SPIKE: Your idea. I don't know. I have a real bad feeling about this place. BUFFY: (stares at the script) Now THIS is really stupid! What does she mean "No harm ever came from opening a chest!?" HELLO!!! (looks at Evelyn) How about the four guys from the LAST time!? All DEAD!? Ring a bell? Wasn't it because they opened a CHEST!? DUH! RICK: She's got a point, Evy. EVELYN: We're still alive, aren't we? ARDETH: (coughs) Barely. EVELYN: (shoots him a glare) ARDETH: (innocent look) EVELYN: All RIGHT! It was a stupid thing to do, but if we didn't do it, the other men WOULD have! Then things would have been a lot worse. BUFFY: (sighs) Okay, fine, let's open it. SPIKE: Just remember I was the voice of reason here. BUFFY: For once. (using a crowbar) SPIKE: Eh, Buffy? BUFFY: What? SPIKE: (pulls the key from a nearby skeleton) Doesn't the key work better? BUFFY: (gives him a "shut up" look and snatches the key) --She unlocks the chest and they find the Bracelet of Anubis-- BUFFY: The Bracelet of Anubis. SPIKE: You don't say. What a surprise. NILES: (mutters softly) You have no idea. AUTHOR & JOHN: (nod in agreement) **this means we're up to something ^_^** JOHN: Ahem, meanwhile, up in the temple.... --Andrew and Warren are still playing Poker with Boyo. The two older boys are glaring at the young mutant, who appears to be winning-- WARREN: I think he's cheating. SVEN: Probably got it from his father, who won Cloud City in a game of Sabaak. ANDREW: Spike owns Cloud City? ARDETH: (grins) Not anymore. JONATHAN C: You own it now? RYAN: We both do. We won it from Yakko Warner... CHRIS: Who won it from Spike. SPIKE: Now, I just own a couple of planets. JONATHAN C: Remind me not to gamble with any of them. PENNY: (smiles) Well, you never know....you could win. AUTHOR: Spoof now? Back to Spike and Buffy....and Jonathan, who is supposed to be watching them. JONATHAN(trio): I can watch from out here. NILES: Whatever. AUTHOR: Lance? Could you come out here for a minute? LANCE: Yeah? AUTHOR: We need an earthquake. LANCE: (looks at Spike and Buffy and grins) Right away. (creates an earthquake) BUFFY: (tosses the Bracelet in the chest and slams it shut) SPIKE: I think it's a bit late for that. BUFFY: (picks up the chest) Put this in your sack! SPIKE: I got a better idea! Let's leave it here! BUFFY: I think it's a bit late for that! SPIKE: (motions to the lid) What's it say? BUFFY: Do I look like I know? JONATHAN(trio): (runs out, heading back for the temple) EVELYN: It said, "He who opens this chest shall drink from the Nile." --Spike and Buffy stare as the wall breaks away and the place is flooded-- SPIKE: (running through the tunnels with Buffy) How about "Drown in the Nile?" EVELYN: Well, yes, I suppose so. --In the temple, Warren and Andrew are cornering Boyo, and Warren pulls out his gun-- JONATHAN: (runs in) Come on, we gotta go NOW! WARREN: Not until I kill this cheating runt! BOYO: (screams) --The Trio hold their ears as the place starts to shake--Everyone on set, also holding their ears-- BOYO: (stops as he notices the older boys are gone) Whew. --The place around him suddenly starts to shake, and tha columns start to fall over in a domino effect, until the last one is leaning on the wall with the tattoo mark on it-- BOYO: Oops. HAN: Aww, he takes after his mother. RICK: (laughing) EVELYN: Very funny. ALEX: It was an accident. JONATHAN C: Yes, that's what your mother said when she did the same thing at the library. BUFFY: (yelling as she and Spike are holding onto the bars of an air vent, up to their necks in water) A little HELP here!! --The water completely engulfs them-- BOYO: (screams at the remaining column) --The column falls, breaking through the wall, releasing a flood of water, as well as a very soaked vampire and Slayer-- BUFFY: (coughing) SPIKE: Took you long enough. BOYO: You got out, didn't you? AUTHOR: Cut and print! We go to Hamunaptra where a big group of vampires is digging out the remains of the collapsed city....and we need Frank, Dru, Lecter, and Murdoc needs to be in disguise. HAMUNAPTRA **************** --In what's left of the City of the Dead, about a hundred vampires are digging in various places, searching for....well, it's pretty obvious, isn't it? Anyway, off to the side, two people have found two artifacts.-- FRANK: The Book of Assassinations Weekly gives life....(sets the book on the table) DRU: (eyes the Gold book) Oi'm no' touching tha'. Oi sawr wha' happened to Spoike when 'e did. AUTHOR: Okay, forget the gold book. She's supposed to throw it in the fire, anyway....it was in the book. LECTER: What fire? JOHN: Just wait. AUTHOR: Okay, the trio drives up in their....um....van....(mutters) The Clown Car. How quaint. RICK: That doesn't look right. BUFFY: TELL me about it. (glares) That thing follows me EVERYwhere! JOHN: Script! --Warren, Andrew and Jonathan jump out of the van and approach Hannibal, Dru and Frank.-- LECTER: Did you succeed? JONATHAN: (nervously eyes Lecter)**can you blame him?** Well... --He is interrupted by another earthquake--a very light one-- ALL: (look at Lance) LANCE: What?! That wasn't me! NILES: It wasn't supposed to be. --In one of the trenches where 20 vampires are digging, a small hill rises. The vampires stand like idiots and watch it curiously.-- WARREN: That doesn't look good. RICK: (pulls his feet into his chair) EVELYN: (follows suit) --From the little hill, thousands of scarabs suddenly pour out and start eating the vampires-- SPIKE: (stares) I thought they were supposed to be.... AUTHOR: Faries? SPIKE: Well, yeh. SVEN: Well, you guys all complained last time that we should have left the real ones in....so there they are. ALL: (jump up on chairs) MURDOC: (in his disguise--pulls out a flamethrower, and starts torching the scarabs) --Several vampires follow suit with their own flamethrowers, torching not only the scarabs, but the vampires in the pit as well.-- JOHN: See? There's a fire. ARDETH: Murdoc! Put that flamethrower DOWN! They're not supposed to know you're there! LECTER: Oh look, a Med-jai. MURDOC: (gives Ardeth a flat look) They didn't know until you told them. AUTHOR: Murdoc, put the toy down, you're in disguise. MURDOC: (does the Wolvie pout and hands his flamethrower to a vampire) Party pooper. NILES: Back to the script. --Another set of vampire diggers start shouting joyously-- LECTER: We've found him! --Everyone comes to look and they see a huge chunk of amber-like rock...that resembles...as Dylan Skyler so elegantly put it--petrified boogers. Anyway, it holds what is obviously a mummy in it-- LORNE: Now that looks uncomfortable. FRED: Is that Angel? JOHN: For the moment. When he's regenerated, he'll be Angelus. LECTER: (eyes the amber close up) I assume this is him....as I don't expect there are any other mummies down there... JONATHAN C: I hope not. ARDETH: (makes a face) If there were, we are not aware of it. --The trio pushes their way through the crowd-- JONATHAN: Get out of my way, or I'm going to shoot you. WARREN: Please! They're vampires! It won't kill them! JONATHAN: I'm reading the script. --Frank, Lecter and Dru approach the trio...again.-- LECTER: Where is the Bracelet? JONATHAN: (nervously) Well, we don't exactly have it. LECTER: (frowns) What are you saying? JONATHAN: (backs away) WARREN: It was a missed opportunity. FRANK: (grabs Jonathan by his shirt) We need that bracelet and we need it BEFORE it opens! DRU: Enough! --The boys break apart-- DRU: Moi deah Lectah, Oi told you, Oi should 'ave 'andled this. LECTER: Yes, I know, but I did not want your past history to cloud the issue. DRU: (glares at the trio) Wheah is the Bracele'? JONATHAN: It's on its way to London. WARREN: We can take care of it. LECTER: No no no. We'll handle this ourselves. I have another job for you. (turns to Dru) We'll be going to London, my dear. JOHN: And Murdoc watches them make their plans. MURDOC: Murdoc read the script. He already knew their plans. --Murdoc is casually playing Sabaak with a group of vampire diggers...and obviously cleaning them out-- AUTHOR: Murdoc! Put that AWAY! Do the words, UNDERCOVER mean anything to you?! --One of the "vampires" removes his cloak to reveal Ardeth Bay, who grins sheepishly-- SVEN: Oh, not again. MURDOC: I own his half. (grins) RYAN: (shrugs) WARREN: Do you mean Cloud City? MURDOC: (grins wider) AUTHOR: Okay, back to the spoof. We go to London. O'Connells' home. (grins) RICK: Just don't trash the place. JOHN: (shrugs) No more than you did. EVELYN: (groans) LONDON ********** AUTHOR: Are you guys ready to REALLY act? BUFFY: (sighs and looks at Spike) Yes. SPIKE: Yeah sure, say when. NILES: When. --The two of them walk in the door and Spike carries the luggage-- BUFFY: (walking ahead) I think that the Bracelet is some sort of guide to finding the lost Oasis of Am- Share. SPIKE: (puts the luggage down) Eh, Buffy? I know what you're getting at and the answer is no. We just got back. BUFFY: That's the beauty of it. We're already packed. WARREN: Well, you can't argue that. PENNY: (makes a face) Ewww, what about washing the clothes first? JONATHAN C: Good point. RICK: Exactly my point. AUTHOR: Are you people done? RICK: Yeah, sure. Go ahead and trash my house. JOHN: Thank you. We will. EVELYN: Nice going. AUTHOR: STORY! SPIKE: Why don't you give me one good reason? BUFFY: It's just an oasis....darling. (pulls his hat off) A beautiful.(walks around him, pulling his scarf off) ....exciting.....romantic....oasis. DRU: (gagging) SPIKE: You mean the kind with a white sandy beach, and palm trees and clear blue water? BUFFY: (nods) ARDETH: And he bought this? RICK: (flatly) Not for a second. GLORY: Well, hurry up! I'm getting SICK over here! BUFFY: Nobody asked you. AUTHOR: Script! SPIKE: And we can get those great drinks with the little umbrellas in them? BUFFY: (leans in to kiss him) Sounds good. SPIKE: (kisses her and pushes her back) Sounds too good. What's the catch? BUFFY: Supposedly, it's the resting place of Anubis's army. SPIKE: See? I knew there was catch! There's ALWAYS a catch! And let me guess...it was commanded by this Scorpion Colossus? BUFFY: Yes, but he only awakens every 5000 years. SPIKE: And if someone doesn't stop him, he's going to wipe out the world. BUFFY: Story of my life, huh? SPIKE: Oh yeah, always. --They walk up the stairs-- BUFFY: The last known expedition to reach Am Share was sent by Ramses IV, over 3000 years ago. He sent over a thousand men. MACGYVER: And she'd never heard of it before she read the script. MURDOC: Uh-huh. SPIKE: (ignores them) And none of them was ever seen again. BUFFY: How did you know? SPIKE: Read the script and that's always the story. BUFFY: Did I mention there's a Pyramid of Gold? SPIKE: The script says twice, but I don't recall it. NILES: They skipped that part in the movie. BUFFY: Alexander the Great sent troops in search of it, too. SPIKE: Great for him. (follows her down that hall on the 2nd floor, along the banister overlooking the first floor) BUFFY: So did Caesar. SPIKE: Yeh, but look what happened to his career. BUFFY: And Napoleon. SPIKE: Yeh, but we're smarter than him.... XANDER: That's debatable. SPIKE: And taller. BUFFY: Exactly. That's why we're going to find it. SPIKE: Because we're taller? BUFFY: (pulls a book off the shelf and jumps down from a ladder into Spike's arms) That's why I love you. SPIKE: You mean it? BUFFY: (flatly) NO! I'm reading the script! SPIKE: (does the Wolvie pout) Nice try. (puts her down) AUTHOR: Meanwhile, out front, two cars full of bad guys pull up. Dr Lecter, Dru, Frank, and a bunch of vampires get out. They see Boyo walk in front of the window, carrying the chest-. CARTER: This tells us always to close our curtains. ARDETH: (laughs) BOYO: Mommy, what do I do with this chest!? It weighs a (looks at the Author) beep beep ton! BUFFY: (from the railing above) Boyo, watch your language! BOYO: (makes a face) Rather weighty, this! (sets it down on the table and turns away--he hears a click from inside the chest and turns back) Huh? ABOVE ********* SPIKE: (looking through a book) That first weird dream of yours was about six weeks ago, wasn't it? BUFFY: Yeah, I guess so. Why? SPIKE: (holds up the book) Just so happens to coincide with the Egyptian New Year. --Buffy looks at the book, which reads, "Year of the Scorpion"-- BUFFY: Oh, that's right. What a coincidence. ARDETH: (stares at the clueless look on Buffy's face) Was that how it went!? RICK: Uh huh. IMHOTEP: (starts laughing) This is who foiled my plans....I'm deeply ashamed. SPIKE: (rolls his eyes) Right. All I'm saying is let's be cautious. --Below, Boyo opens the chest and stares at the Bracelet inside-- BOYO: Owah. ANDREW: Oh yeah, real cautious. ARDETH: (stares in disbelief) I'm beginning to see how the whole thing started. SPIKE: (oblivious as to what Boyo's doing) If anything ever happened to you....again, I'd never forgive myself. --Below, Boyo pulls the bracelet out and it latches to his wrist. He starts to see images-- IMHOTEP: How do you miss this? EVELYN: (looks as if she wants to crawl under her seat) ARDETH: (shaking his head in utter disbelief) This is insane. You didn't see THAT!? SVEN: Well, Spike and Buffy don't seem to be seeing it either. RICK: (to Alex) Tell me they're not doing it right. ALEX: Um, actually, that's what happened. IMHOTEP: (laughing) This is too much. AUTHOR: Um, Spike! Buffy! Nobody was listening. Could you guys do those lines again? --Buffy and Spike break up from their kiss-- SPIKE: What lines? JOHN: The ones that came before the kiss? BUFFY: We have to do them AGAIN!? Is it OUR fault you weren't listening? BOYO: (is trying to get the bracelet off) ARRGG! How do you get this stupid thing off!? AUTHOR: Okay, the heck with it. There's someone's bra hanging off the bookcase. BUFFY: (looks up) That's not mine. SPIKE: No kiddin', luv. (pulls it down) This is way too big for you....or Anya even. Whose is this? AUTHOR: Beats me! We had Steve dig it out of a dumpster. SPIKE: (drops it) YUCK! STEVE: (laughing) SPIKE: I'll go find Xander. Behave yourself for five minutes, okay? (walks off) JONATHAN C: (eyes Rick) Bit late for that, ey? CARTER & ARDETH: (laughing) RICK: Would you people STOP that?! MURDOC: You were making out while your son put the Bracelet on not twenty feet in front of your faces! You KNOW we'll never let you hear the end of it. We're SUPPOSED to be making fun of you. RICK: Oh, go jump on an asp. RYAN: I wouldn'a say things like that. He DOES have a machine gun in his car. BUFFY: (comes downstairs with the book) BOYO: (pulls his sleeve down to cover the bracelet, then moves to close the chest after stuffing a small statue into it) **how does she miss the huge bulge in his sleeve?!?!We may never know** BUFFY: Happy to be home? BOYO: Couldn't be happier. BUFFY: (hands him the book) It's the Year of the Scorpion. BOYO: Neat. BUFFY: (eyes his bored expression) Yeah, that's how I reacted, too. SVEN: Well, it's not like it's such an exciting thing. XANDER: Sure it is. It means we get near killed again. JOHN: Ahem. BOYO: Well, the scene is over. AUTHOR: Yes, but now Xander and Anya have a scene. **this was before they broke up** UPSTAIRS *********** --Xander walks down the hallway with Anya toward the master bedroom--Xander carries the golden "stick thing"-- JONATHAN C: Where'd he get that? AUTHOR: We have our methods. JONATHAN C: Well, when you're done with it, can I get it back? SVEN: Yeah, Pharaoh Nightcrawler the First can get it for you. JONATHAN C: Really?! AUTHOR: Yeah, we believe your wonderful brother in law had no right to give it away for you. RICK: It was for Alex. JOHN: So? Give away your OWN toys. Now butt out. AUTHOR: Story! Xander and Anya...ACTION! XANDER: (puts his arm around Anya) And so I killed the mummy and all his minions, and stole the scepter. ANYA: Oh Xander, you're so brave. Was this in the last Mummy spoof? ARDETH: Not the one I saw. I'M the one who saved everybody. (grins) RICK: (stares) How? SVEN: None of the actors could read the book. It was in Egyptian Arabic. AUTHOR: Can we continue? ***************************** --During this time, there was a few hours break, and Jurassic: Lost World has begun. Romano has joined the Assistant ranks, ...and tied to chairs, in a corner nearby, sit Agents Alex Cross and Frank Donovan. We also note that they are continuously battered by paint balls, spitballs, and anything else the X-Babies can throw at them when they are avoiding their babysitters....which they seem to be good at doing.-- ******************************* JOHN: Eh.....where were we? ROMANO: You're asking ME?! I wasn't here for the beginning of this one! NILES: I believe it was just before the "grab Xander and throw him into a chair" scene. CROSS: (muttering) They do that a lot here, I've noticed. (moves her head to avoid another spitball) ROMANO: Ah, stuff it. Are we ready? XANDER: Uh yeah, I guess so. AUTHOR: Okay, just start at the point where the vampires in red and Hannibal Lecter come in. DONOVAN: (mouths to Cross) Hannibal Lecter?!?! CROSS: (shrugs) --The vampires grab Xander-- XANDER: I'm sorry, we must be in the wrong house. ANYA: I thought you said this was your house. XANDER: No, I didn't. LECTER: (pushes her out and closes the door) ANYA: Call me! XANDER: Um, honey? Now's not a good time. (looks at Lecter) If you work for Fett, I was gonna pay him back later. LECTER: I'm afraid I don't know....Fett!? You owe FETT money? Nice knowing you. XANDER: Not a lot. ROMANO: Excuse me! This is a script! Read it! LECTER: We are looking for the Bracelet of Anubis. --Tha vampires push Xander into a chair-- XANDER: Oh good thing to have, the ol' Bracelet of Anubis. LECTER: Where is it? XANDER: Oh, you're looking here for it! Well, how would I know? LECTER: Mr. Spike, you try my patience. XANDER: Now hold on. HOW in the world do you mistake ME for SPIKE!? VAMPIRE: (holds a knife to Xander's throat) DONOVAN: May we leave now? SVEN: Shut up, hostage. Wait till your friends bring us the money....(thinks) How much do you think them and the whole SWAT team is worth, anyway? ROMANO: Not a whole lot, until after the meds bring back the SWAT team. It's still a mess in there. **if you read the beginning of Lost World, you know what we're talking about--Security ate them** AUTHOR: Can we continue? SVEN: Yeah, sure go ahead. XANDER: Oh, THAT Bracelet! I lost it in a Sabaak game. JOHN: (mutters) Knowing the way these guys play cards, I wouldn't doubt it. LECTER: For your sake, you'd better not have. (gives the creepy "Hannibal" look that would probably make even Imhotep nervous) XANDER: He's scaring me. LECTER: (eyes the scepter and takes it) It can't be. DRU: (enters carrying a covered basket) Hello. XANDER: (politely) Hey, Dru. DRU: Wheah's your woife? XANDER: We're not married yet. LECTER: (glares) XANDER: You mean Buffy? We're not married. She's probably out killing vampires or something. You know her. DRU: (pulls a black snake out of the basket) Egyptian asps are qoite poisonous. XANDER: It could be downstairs in the safe. The combination's uh.....3...20...58...3, 9, 3, something. It's downstairs! I TOLD you! DRU: (still coming with the snake) Wha's your poin'? XANDER: My point is you're not supposed to kill me. DRU: When did we make tha' arangmen'? --Just as Xander is about to get fanged, Spike walks in-- SPIKE: Oh, hello, Dru. Am I interrupting a moment? My bad. I'll wait until you're done. XANDER: (glares) SPIKE: I thought there weren't supposed to be any wild parties! Why wasn't I invited?! XANDER: This is so not right. AUTHOR: Meanwhile, downstairs, Buffy's frisking Boyo. BUFFY: (searching Boyo's pockets) I'm serious. If you've lost that key, you're grounded. BOYO: I haven't lost it, I just can't find it. There's a difference. **love child psychology, don't you?** BUFFY: Well, you'd better start finding it. BOYO: I will, Mommy, there's nothing to worry about. CARTER: Says the boy wearing the Bracelet. ALEX: (glares) Well, how was I supposed to know it wouldn't come off!? JOHN: Script! FRANK: (enters) Good evening. GLORY: Is that supposed to sound like Dracula? BUFFY: If it was, he's failing miserably. I've met Dracula. COSMO: Figures. BUFFY: (to Frank) Who are you? FRANK: I'm looking for the chest, of course. Give it to me now. BUFFY: (glares and grabs a sword) Get out of my house. BOYO: Way cool, Mommy, kick his ASS!!! BUFFY: Boyo, get back there. BOYO: (backs off with the chest) --Four other vampires come up behind Frank-- BUFFY: Okay, now it's five against one. BOYO: Maybe you should give them a chance to surrender. FRANK: Now I will kill you and take it anyway. --They wait a minute, expectantly-- ROMANO: Where's Murdoc? AUTHOR: He'd better not be playing cards again. MURDOC: (standing in a chair) Can you just get the snake off set? JOHN: Oh for PITY'S sake!! It's UPSTAIRS!!! MURDOC: It's STILL in the house! CHRIS: Oh, come ON, Mike! Quit being a little BABY! MURDOC: Excuse ME, but where do you get off talking to me like that, young man!? AUTHOR: Just get off the chair, and act! The snake is NOT coming downstairs! MURDOC: (jumps down from the chair and steps over to his place, cautiously) If that thing comes near me, I'm killing someone. ROMANO: Shut up and act. MURDOC: (steps up between Buffy and Frank) I think not. BUFFY: Murdoc, what are you doing here? (thinks a moment) And how did you GET here, anyhow? MURDOC: Good question. How DID I get here? ALL: (look at Ardeth) ARDETH: (rolls his eyes) I sprouted wings and FLEW! (shakes his head and walks over toward the Jawa snack stand, muttering something in Arabic) RICK: (shrugs) No fair. If he could fly, why couldn't he take us to get Alex? WAKKO: Maybe he couldn't carry all of you. AUTHOR: Now THERE is a great mental image to see. JONATHAN C: And he asks why WE can't keep our feet on the ground. ROMANO: Okay, enough already. Get to the fight. MURDOC: I think explanations are best kept for later. (ignites his lightsaber) AUTHOR: Uh...Murdoc? Scimitar. Lightsaber later. MURDOC: (does the Wolvie pout, but complies) FRANK: Murdoc. MURDOC: (nods) Lock-Jaw. EVELYN: LOCK-JAW!? ARDETH: Not a bad description. FRANK: The guy's name was LOCK-JAW!? JOHN: No, but that's close enough. ALEX: I like it. SVEN: Yeah, you would. AUTHOR: Meanwhile, upstairs. SPIKE: Hey folks, knowin' ol' Xander here, he probably deserves whatever you're about to do to him, but this is Rick and Evy's house and they have rules, about snakes and dismemberment.....AND WHY THE BLOODY HELL DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME!?!? DRU: (throws the snake) MURDOC: ACK! AIRBORNE SNAKE!!! (pulls Buffy in front of him) ROMANO: Now THAT would have looked pretty funny in the original. IMHOTEP: (looks from Ardeth to Evelyn and laughs) ARDETH: (Wolvie glare) I would NOT have done that. JOHN: Just get on with the fight scenes. SPIKE: (has actually caught the snake, and throws it back ) MURDOC: WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP THROWING SNAKES!?!?! --However, since the vampire Spike threw the snake at is already dead, the snake is doing no damage. The vampire simply kills it--meanwhile, another vampire throws a dagger at Spike, who catches it.....eh.... the hard way....through his hand-- SPIKE: BLOODY HELL!!!! (pulls it out and throws it back, hitting the vampire in the chest) YOU RUINED MY OUTFIT AGAIN!!!! NILES: Oh please, it was just your hand.....the other vampire's outfit is worse than yours. You hit HIM in the chest! JOHN: Back downstairs. Murdoc, the snake's gone! Hop to it! FRANK: (pulls his cloak off) Prepare for the fight scene. SVEN: What are you preparing for? You're ALWAYS preparing! Just FIGHT! BUFFY: (fighting vampires and doing some pretty impressive flips) MURDOC & FRANK: (stop to watch her) MURDOC: May the Farce be with you. FRANK: Very funny. (to another vampire) Kill him. MURDOC: (now fighting two vampires at once) FRANK: (stands watching) BOYO: (watching Buffy) Wow Mommy, where did you learn that? BUFFY: I'm the Slayer and I have the Farce. Answer your question? (stakes both vampires) AUTHOR: Back upstairs. XANDER: (snatches the scepter from Lecter) I'll take that! (runs into the bathroom) VAMPIRE: (shooting with a Tommy-gun) SPIKE: (runs after Xander, taking cover) RICK: There goes the bathroom again. CHRIS: Oh please! It's not as if you only have one. AUTHOR: (muttering) Rich folks. Back downstairs. MURDOC: (decapitates both vampires) FRANK: (comes forward) Not bad....for a Fake Med-jai. MURDOC: That's "Med-jai Assassin" to you. JOHN: Back upstairs. STEVE: Flips around a lot, doesn't it? ROMANO: They're doing two fight scenes at once. We want to catch every second of violence. PORTHOS: Ah yes, good old fashioned violence. SPIKE: (locks the bathroom door behind them) XANDER: (off to the side) I don't think that's going to help. JOHN: Aren't you supposed to be in the bathtub? XANDER: And what does that do....aside of get me wet? AUTHOR: Nothing. Besides, he was instantly dry when he jumped out the window. Just go back downstairs. BOYO: (is playing tug of war with a vampire over the chest....why we don't know, considering he knows the bracelet isn't in it) VAMPIRE: (tosses Boyo across the room) MURDOC: (fighting with Frank) What's in the chest? BUFFY: The Bracelet of Anubis! MURDOC: It is NOT! (turns his head and is nearly decapitated as Frank takes a slash with his scimitar) --They then break into a scimitar-fist fight-- BUFFY: (still fighting) MURDOC: They must not get the Bracelet! Get the KID and get out of here! **notice he did NOT say "Get the chest"** BOYO: (tips a bookcase over onto several vampires) BUFFY: (who obviously wasn't paying attention to Murdoc, grabs the chest) FRANK & MURDOC: (are struggling with their scimitars) BOYO: Mommy, LOOK OUT! BUFFY: (turns toward Boyo) VAMPIRE: (decks her, knocking her out) MURDOC: (turns) Buffy?! FRANK: (slices Murdoc across the shoulder, and knocks him off his feet) VAMPIRE: (carries Buffy out with the chest, shouting gleefully because he caught the Slayer) BOYO: MOMMY!!!!! ALL: (cover their ears) MURDOC: (leaning against a wall, panting) FRANK: (throws a really cool looking dagger) MURDOC: (dodges as it hit where his head had been, before pulling it out of the wall, examining it, and grinning before pocketing it) FRANK: (throws on his cloak and stalks out) NILES: Upstairs! SPIKE: (shouting) Xander, what did you do THIS time!? XANDER: ME?! They were after YOU! --More machine gun fire comes through the bathroom door--Xander and Spike jump through the window, bounce off the canopy, and leap over the fence, taking cover as more gunfire comes from the bathroom window. They race across the lawn, and are nearly hit by a speeding car. Buffy's face appears in the back window briefly before Frank chloroforms her-- SPIKE: BUFFY!!! XANDER: Look out, Evil Dead! (jerks Spike back as another car comes through, nearly hitting them) --The car is full of vampires......suddenly, a Jawa on a Speeder bike comes in and matches speed with the car, then hands a ticket through the window, before speeding away--The vampire driving reads it, curses and wads it up before throwing it out the window-- SPIKE: (picks it up and reads it) Huh, that little bugger gave them a ticket for reckless driving.....and for having too many people in the car. **which had to be done, because for them to have had THAT many people at the house, they had to have had at LEAST twelve people in each car.** XANDER: Imagine that. --Boyo and Murdoc come running up--Murdoc nods a hello to Xander-- BOYO: DADDY SPIKE!! SPIKE: Are you alright? BOYO: (nods) They took Mommy. SPIKE: (turns to Murdoc and grabs him by the front of his outfit) What the...beep are you DOING here?! Nah, scratch that, I don't care. Who are those guys and where have they taken my WIFE?! MURDOC: How should I know?! (notices the Author's glare) My friend, I'm not sure. (pulls out a photo) But wherever this man is, your wife will surely be. XANDER: Wow, a surveillance photo. You boys have come a long way from just attacking like wild Indians with guns and knives. **this line was actually in the book. I liked it, so it stayed** MURDOC: (to Xander) Well, you know. Budget cuts and all. AUTHOR: Script! MURDOC: Yes ma'am. BOYO: (takes the photo) Hey I KNOW this guy! He's in the FBI's top ten most wanted page! ROMANO: (waves a blaster) Do we care about that? BOYO: Um...I mean, he's one of the Curators at the British museum. SPIKE: The people they make Curators now. (shakes his head) GILES: I beg your pardon! I was a Curator! SPIKE: I rest my case. MURDOC: (to Boyo) Are you sure? BOYO: I'm positive. MURDOC: Only fools are positive. BOYO: Are you sure? MURDOC: I'm positive. XANDER: Ladies and gentlemen, the Chieftain of the Med-jai Assassins! SPIKE: You better believe him. He spends more time there than he does at home. This way. --They take off toward the car-- SPIKE: (on the way) You're here, the bad guys are here, Buffy's been kidnapped....let me guess. MURDOC: Yes, once again, they've removed the Creature from his grave. HARLEY: *I thought the Wolfgirl was the Creature* RUFIO: Wrong Creature, dude. He means Angelus. XANDER: I don't mean to point fingers, but isn't your job to make sure that DOESN'T happen? MURDOC: Hey, don't blame me! It's DRU! She knew exactly where he was buried, and we were hoping she would lead us to the Bracelet. She obviously did.....although why they didn't take it is beyond me. SPIKE: Huh? BOYO: (looks guilty and rolls up his sleeve) Okay, I put it on. XANDER: Is that real gold? BOYO: When I put it on, I saw a bunch of pyramids and then WHOOSH! Across the dessert to....eh.... some other place. ALEX: Karnack. BOYO: Whatever. MURDOC: By putting this on, you have started a chain-reaction that could bring about the next Apocalypse! SPIKE & XANDER: Not ANOTHER one! BOYO: (screams) ALL: (cover their ears) --The Bracelet shatters-- AUTHOR: Awww, NOW look what you've done! That was the REAL one! Now how are we supposed to raise the Army of Anubis?! Put it back together! ARDETH: The REAL one!? Are you INSANE!?!?!? SVEN & AUTHOR: (give him a "duh" look) ARDETH: (sighs) Never mind. RICK: What about the one the metal guy had? JOHN: He broke it, getting it off. ALEX: Figures. AUTHOR: (snaps her fingers and the Bracelet is now back in one piece on Boyo's wrist) Continue. MURDOC: (uncovers his ears) WHAT!? SPIKE: (yells) CONTINUE! MURDOC: (yells back) It's YOUR line! GERARD: Ugh, now I know how Newman felt. COSMO: Oh yeah. SPIKE: (shakes his head to clear it) Right then. (to Murdoc) You lighten up. (to Boyo) You, you're grounded. (to Xander) You, get in the car. ROMANO: In the car, on the way to the museum. ACTION! CAR ******* MURDOC: I am sorry if I alarmed your son...(massages his head) VERY sorry. **Cassi pauses while typing to take a headache pill....can you believe just typing that gave me a headache?** SPIKE: TELL me about it. That's the SECOND time in this spoof. **rest assured, it probably won't be the last *_*!** MURDOC: (continues) But you must understand, now that the Bracelet is on his wrist, we have seven days until the Scorpion Colossus awakens....depending on how many breaks we take of course. SPIKE: We? What we? **excuse me, but isn't this your SON!?!? THAT "WE"! sorry, just me pointing out another stupid question...try to ignore me....wait, that's impossible, never mind then** MURDOC: If he's not stopped, he will raise the Army of Anubis. XANDER: And that's bad because? SPIKE: He'll wipe out the world. XANDER: AGAIN!? Geez, how many times have we been through saving the world? I lost count after about seven or eight. EVELYN: Is he serious? GILES: Unfortunately....yes. ANYA: What have we had? About six or seven Apocalypses? GILES: I stopped counting. RICK: Wow, and I thought WE had strange lives. ARDETH: (shrugs) JOHN: Story! MURDOC: Whoever can kill the Scorpion Colossus can use the Army to take over the world, or send it back to hell...where it belongs. SVEN: Nice ad-lib. SPIKE: So that's why they dug up Angelus. He's the only one tough enough to take out the Scorpion Colossus.....either that, or that's what they kidnapped Buffy for. MURDOC: (thinks about it) Yeah, good point. I guess one of those is their plan...although, if you ask me, that Hannibal Lecter fellow could do it well enough on his own. SPIKE: True. AUTHOR: That's why we didn't ask your opinion. LECTER: (beams proudly) RICK: (eyes Lecter) That's Creepy. CREEPY: No, I'm Creepy. That's Hannibal Lecter. --The car pulls up in front of the museum-- SPIKE: (turns in the seat) Okay, Boyo, I've got a big job for you. I need you to protect Rick's car. RICK: Good idea. BOYO: Protect the CAR?! Come on Daddy Spike! Just cause I'm an X-Baby doesn't mean I'm stupid. I could kill mummies by screaming at them. SPIKE: (to Xander) Stay with him. XANDER: Oh Come ON! I wanna shoot mummies TOO! That's not fair! ALEX: He's nothing like Uncle Jon. EVELYN: (laughs) JONATHAN C: (glares) AUTHOR: Xander stays in the car with Boyo! That's an ORDER! BOYO & XANDER: (do the Wolvie pout) MURDOC & SPIKE: (get out of the car and go to the trunk) --Spike opens the trunk--The weapons inside are Rick's and Murdoc is unimpressed-- MURDOC: He doesn't have a flamethrower OR a rocket launcher! What a LOSER! SPIKE: (nods) Yeh, I know. Want the shot gun? MURDOC: Well, actually, I prefer the mini-gun, but since you don't have one, I'll take the Thompson. ARDETH: Mini-gun? MURDOC: You'd love it. Shoots a thousand rounds per second. I'll let you see mine. **Mini-gun: see The Movie "Terminator 2" --its what he was using to shoot out the window at the cops** ARDETH: (looks impressed) RICK: (also impressed) Can I see it too? MURDOC: Yeh, sure. No problem. ROMANO: Excuse me, but you're acting in a spoof, not discussing the uses of the mini-gun. Back to the story. MURDOC: (notices the tattoo) Were I to say to you; I'm a stranger traveling from the East, seeking that which was lost. SPIKE: Then I would reply that I am a stranger traveling from the West. It is I whom you seek. (looks questioningly) MURDOC: Than it is true. (points at the tattoo) You have the sacred mark. SPIKE: Oh that?! That's just something that got slapped on me when the spoof started. MURDOC: That mark means that you are a protector of man--a warrior for God....a Med-jai. GILES: Spike!? NO! AUTHOR: Just act. SPIKE: Sorry, you've got the wrong bloke. MURDOC: (shrugs and follows him into the museum) I read it, I don't write it. MUSEUM////EGYPTIAN EXHIBIT *************************** --Dot Warner walks in with a group that includes Merry, Pippin and a bunch of Jawas. The group is wearing "Tourist" outfits, and carrying cameras. The group stops at the banister overlooking the room where Hannibal Lecter is reading the Book of Assassinations Weekly in front of the chunk of....um... "petrified boogers" that Angel is incased in--A group of Vampires bow down to it-- DOT: (as a tour guide) Here we have an Egyptian Exhibit with a bunch of nutcases trying to reanimate a 3000 year old mummified vampire in a chunk of um.....petrified boogers. GROUP: Oooohhhh.. --Two Jawas approach Hannibal Lecter, and hand him a camera. They pose in front of the um....Angel.-- LECTER: (shrugs) Say cheese. (holds up the camera) JAWAS: Diiiink! LECTER: (snaps the picture and returns the camera) JAWAS: (rejoin the group, and Dot leads them away) DOT: Coming up next, we see the idiots with guns who have come to stop the Vampire Mummy. --They exit-- EVELYN: I don't remember that....but then again, I WAS knocked out. RICK: That didn't happen. --The rest of the set appears speechless.....Can't imagine why, as we've had the Jawas here before-- HAN: Okay, that was new. AUTHOR: It sounded good to me. Get to the idiots with guns that have come to stop the Vampire Mummy. MURDOC: I resent that. --He and Spike are standing in front of the "Tour group", posing with their guns for the cameras-- RICK: Showoffs. DOT: (motions to the Peanut Gallery) And over here, we have the REAL idiots with guns! --Ardeth and Rick shrug and jump up, posing for the cameras-- AUTHOR: Oy vey. JOHN: Ehh....okay. The group in the Egyptian area. Frank leads in a parade of vampires who carry Buffy on a slab, tied up. CHRIS: You stab 'em, we slab 'em. SVEN: Very funny. --They set the slab down and Buffy jerks awake. She looks around and sees Hannibal reading out of Assassinations Weekly-- BUFFY: Mr. Lecter? SVEN: DR. Lecter. BUFFY: Whatever. (looks at the amber) Is it just me or does that look like petrified boogers? ALL: (make faces) ALEX: You know, she's right. (wrinkles his nose) ARDETH: (frowns) RICK: (whispers in his ear, as Ardeth is unsure of all American slang terms) ARDETH: (looks, makes a face) Ugh, it does. AUTHOR: Meanwhile, Spike and Murdoc continue walking through the museum, hearing the vampires chanting. VAMPIRES: Free blood...free blood....free blood... ALL: (stare) ROMANO: (muttering) Vampires. LECTER: (reading) "The joys of having dolls do your dirty work for you. They are quick, neat, cunning, RISE UP!....untraceable..." --In the museum, the Mummies start to "Rise up"--Spike and Murdoc shoot them all-- WAKKO: Makes you think he could be a little more specific as to whom he wants to "Rise Up." RICK: Definitely. But Ardeth and I didn't shoot them all. SVEN: You're not Murdoc and Spike. They're insane. --Spike and Murdoc continue along until they come to the banister overlooking the "Egyptian Exhibit."-- The vampires are still chanting, "free blood," and Lecter is still reading.-- LECTER: "Created by Andre Toulon, these killer dolls are miraculously effective killing machines!" --Angel breaks free of the petrified boogers-- MURDOC: Wow. SPIKE: I know. I can't believe that still works. MURDOC: Not THAT! I want one of those dolls! MACGYVER: And we're what, surprised by this? BUFFY: (makes a face) Ugh, hi Angel. ANGEL: (approaches Lecter, who is now kneeling) What year is it? LECTER: 2001. AUTHOR: Ahem? LECTER: (shakes his head) Oh right...2002. Not quite used to that yet. ** this part was written in Jan.** ROMANO: Abominable? LECTER: (stares) Ahem, the Year of the Scorpion. **Can you believe it? The only thing that scares him is that Snowman....it is something he doesn't understand..Go figure** ANGEL: Truly!? LECTER: Yes. ANGEL: (grins) --The back door opens and Dru walks in, and approaches-- LECTER: Do not be frightened, my dear. DRU: I am no' afraid. Angelus is moi soiah. (sire) ANGEL: I'm Angel. DRU: For the momen'. FRED: That's disgusting. LORNE: Did he look like that last time? AUTHOR: More or less. JOHN: Less. He was missing his eyes and tongue. WESTLEY: Interesting. ROMANO: Can we continue? LECTER: (walks over to Frank) ABOVE ********** SPIKE: (to Murdoc) You know, before I came here, this might have actually seemed strange to me. MURDOC: Tell me about it. (aims the gun) SPIKE: (starts sneaking down the stairs) BELOW *********** FRANK: (uses acid to get the chest open) LECTER: Lord Angelus will be most pleased. --They open the lid to find an ugly statue-- LECTER: (glares) Where is the Bracelet? FRANK: I think I know. NILES: Outside! IN FRONT OF THE MUSEUM *********************** BOYO: At the very top of the gold pyramid is a huge diamond. XANDER: Huge? How huge? BOYO: I was so huge, it would reflect the sun, and wink at distant travelers, beckoning then to their deaths. INSIDE *********** DRU: Moi Angel, I 'ave a gift for you! ANGEL: Really!? Well don't hold out! Gimme! BUFFY: Are you sure that's Angel? AUTHOR: Of COURSE! He's just a good actor. DRU: (motions to Buffy) ANGEL: Hey Buffy. How've you been? BUFFY: (gives a small smile and waves) DRU: Oi knew i' would please you to watch her doie aftah she dumped you for Spoike. ANGEL: Huh? (thinks about it) Yeah, I guess. VAMPIRES: (grab Buffy and hold her down on the plank, while they pick it up and carry it toward a flaming coffin) BUFFY: You just wait! I'll put you in your grave again! LECTER: Our thinking was not if we put you in yours first. DRU: Burn her! BUFFY: Why you-- --The vampires move to throw her in--Spike leaps over the flaming coffin and grabs Buffy, knocking the plank out of the vampire's hands-- BUFFY: Spike!? SPIKE: Yeh, luv? BUFFY: That was COOL! SPIKE: (grins proudly....just like a little puppy dog) TOURISTS: (snap off pictures) AUTHOR: Dot! Get them out of there! We're in the middle of a WAR! DOT: They know. That's why they're still there. JOHN: Ahem? DOT: Ummm....going. Come along people. Back on the bus. TOURISTS: Awww (from the Hobbits) and Diiiiink (from the Jawas) **they all exit** EVELYN: Bus? **hint - hint ~_^** AUTHOR: Shut up! ACTION! MURDOC: (lays in cover fire as Buffy and Spike duck behind a wall) ANGEL: (getting shot--glares at him) You DO know these are all vampires, don't you? MURDOC: It slows them down, doesn't it? OUTSIDE ************* --Boyo and Xander look at each other and jump into the car, upon hearing the gunfire-- INSIDE ********** FRANK: Dru! (tosses her a machine gun) DRU: (fires, narrowly missing Murdoc, who ducks behind the post) FRANK: (pulls both of his guns and starts firing) SPIKE: (behind the wall--cuts Buffy's ropes) OUTSIDE ********** XANDER: This stupid car won't START!!!! I don't believe this! BOYO: You broke it or something! How COULD you!? RICK: (stares) STEVE: (casually holds up the distributor cap) SVEN: Cute....very cute. INSIDE ************ MURDOC: (firing at Frank) FRANK: (takes cover) SPIKE: (shoots several vamps with a shotgun) DRU: (stares as the vamps turn to dust) SPIKE: (waves the gun) Wooden bullets. ANGEL: Hey Spikey! SPIKE: (shoots him) ANGEL: I'm a mummy. That doesn't work on me anymore. --More vampires shoot and Spike ducks back behind the wall, handing Buffy a handgun. They nod at each other and come out, shooting. The vampires duck and the bullets hit several jars of flammable liquid, igniting it, and any vampires under it. They back up and run up the stairs, Murdoc laying on cover fire, igniting more liquid.-- ANGEL: (stalks over and grabs a vase, opening it) Wake up boys! Your master is here! (empties the vase, creating several warrior mummies) DESTROY THEM!!! RICK: Oh I hate those guys. ARDETH: (nods in agreement) They weren't in the last one. AUTHOR: Script! MUMMIES: (roar) MURDOC, BUFFY & SPIKE: (look at each other and run) OUTSIDE ************* --Xander and Boyo get out of the useless car-- XANDER: What do we do? BOYO: How should I know?! I'm just an X-BABY! Read the script! XANDER: We steal a bus. XANDER & BOYO: (eye the tour bus parked nearby and shrug, before running toward it) --A few seconds later, Murdoc, Buffy, & Spike come running out of the museum. Buffy tries to move a bench in front of the door-- SPIKE: Luv, the script says they don't use doors. BUFFY: This is a spoof! SPIKE: We don't have the time! Come ON! --They run for the car, but find it empty-- SPIKE: Where the bloody hell is Xander?! --The double-decker Tour Bus drives up with Yakko, NOT Xander, behind the wheel, and the um.... "Tourists" STILL inside.-- SPIKE: What's wrong with the car? XANDER: Script says we use THIS! SPIKE: A DOUBLE DECKER BUS!?!? BUFFY: We're gonna die. **ladies and gentlemen, we've actually learned that THIS line is the MOST used line in ALL our spoofs put together! (seriously) Figures, huh? ** BOYO: It's his fault! He couldn't start the car! XANDER: Was not! BOYO: Was too! BUFFY: (jumps in the front) Just GO! MURDOC & SPIKE: (jump into the back) --The mummies calmly open the doors, run out, and race for the car-- RICK: (stares) Wha? EVELYN: Ehh... --The mummies get into the car and try to start it...HOWEVER, since Steve still has the distributor cap, it still doesn't start.--Angry, they get out and beat the car to death with baseball bats....which some- how materialized out of nowhere. Don't ask, that happens a lot around here.--Anyway, they then continue after the bus on foot-- SPIKE: (looks at Murdoc) Did any of that seem weird to you? MURDOC: Ugh (shakes his head) Glad to see me now? SPIKE: Oh yeah...(heads up the stairs to the top level) --The Tourists on both levels, including Merry and Pippin, (who are on the bottom) stare at the men with the guns-- DOT: (in her friendly "Tour-guide" voice) People, kindly put on your seatbelts, as this could get bad. BUFFY: (groans in disbelief) MERRY: (to Pippin) Wha's a seatbelt, Pip? PIPPIN: (shrugs, and watches the mummies climb the buildings) How do you s'pose they do that? MERRY: Don't know. --Meanwhile, on the top level, Spike watches the mummies as well-- SPIKE: Bloody wonderful. (shoots a mummy who jumps for the bus) --On the bottom level, another mummy jumps for the door Murdoc is standing in front of-- MURDOC: (blows it in half with the Thompson) --Another mummy jumps on top of the bus. The fourth one calmly climbs down from the building and stands watching the bus leave. It shrugs and runs off in the other direction, screaming, "I'm FREE!!! I'm FREE!!!", and leaping around-- RICK: Huh? AUTHOR: Always wondered what happened to the fourth mummy. It's like it just disappeared. ROMANO: Another mistake, ey? NILES: Apparently. AUTHOR: Ahem, bus? People love this scene. Please continue. --On the top level, Spike has just reloaded his gun, and starts blowing holes through the roof where the mummy is-- YAKKO: (speeds down the streets) MURDOC: (reloading his gun) **And at the com-pewter, Cassi's Lortab has just kicked in....and she is smiling and making lots of typos....which you can't see all of as I correct them....*grins* I feel much better. My knees don't hurt anymore...oh yeah, you were wanting me to continue with the bus scene....right, continuing now.** --The top half of the mummy wrenches itself into the bus, knocking the gun from Murdoc's hands... before slamming Murdoc himself into a seat....er, as there are no empty seats, he is slammed into the laps of two Jawas--Merry and Pippin (who are NOT seat belted in), grab the Thompson-- PIPPIN: Do you think he'll miss it? MERRY: (looks toward Murdoc, fighting the Mummy, while the Jawas whose laps he's in, talk to each other excitedly and snap off pictures) Nah, put it in your bag. AUTHOR: Explains why Ardeth's gun just disappeared. **ever wonder about that?** JOHN: Not in the movie, it don't. ROMANO: Details details... --On the top level, the Jawas are taking pictures while the mummy peels open the roof and drops into the bus, kicking Spike's gun away--Spike dives for the gun, but the mummy yanks him back--On the bottom, the half a mummy suddenly sprouts 3 inch claws like some deranged Wolverine wannabe, and swipes Murdoc across the arm-- XANDER: Turn Yakko!!! BUFFY: Sharp turn NOW!! YAKKO: (makes a hard left, throwing around all unseat belted occupants) MERRY: (grabs the seat and covers his mouth) PIPPIN: I don't feel so good. (covers his own mouth) --The bus hits a light pole...."Transformer sparks, lines go down, town goes dark"-- DOT: (on a cell phone, with the police) I saw it all! I swear a giant alien landed at the mall!! AUTHOR: I love that song. (grins) **don't listen to much Country music, but that's Joe Diffie's "3rd Rock From the Sun" in case you were wondering. I couldn't resist. It just fit in so well** CHRIS: I'm not gonna ask. (Chris is 80's Rock and Roll fan--guitarist)**Cassi is mostly 80's Pop-Rock fan, with INSP thrown in** --Meanwhile, the Mummy on top slams Spike from the floor into the ceiling-- SPIKE: Ow... YAKKO: (steering the bus, hits several cars, knocking all inside around again) MERRY & PIPPIN: (amongst others, are turning green) --Up on top, Spike punches the mummy in the face in mid-roar. The mummy appears to be offended.-- SPIKE: (finally gets a hold of the gun) YAKKO: (takes another hard left) --Spike's gun goes flying out of his reach and out an air vent, where it lands on the front of the bus-- BUFFY: (doesn't see it, as she is holding onto Boyo, and the seat, as well as covering her own mouth) WAKKO: (grabs the gun from the hood and pockets it) HALF A MUMMY: (swipes Murdoc across the chest with his claws) MURDOC: (falls into Merry and Pippin's laps) HALF A MUMMY: (rears back for the final blow) MURDOC: (gives an evil grin, and shoves a hand grenade into the mummy's mouth, and kicks it away) --The Mummy literally blows all over the place-- PIPPIN & MERRY: (still covering their mouths) Uggghhh. MURDOC: (looks at them and jumps up quickly) UGH!!! NOT ON ME!!! BUFFY: That's gross ARDETH: I like him. RICK: Oh yeah. BOYO: That was COOL!! BUFFY: (looks ahead) XANDER: LOOK OUT!!! YAKKO: (another hard left) --On the top, the mummy is holding Spike by the neck-- SPIKE: (punches it) XANDER: (stares ahead) That's gonna chafe. SPIKE: (sees the bridge sign, punches the mummy and drops to the floor) JAWA: (looks ahead) Dink dink DINK!!! *hit the DIRT* --All Jawas on the top level, undo their seatbelts and crawl under their seats. The Mummy stares at them stupidly, proving that Angel forgot to give it any brains.-- MUMMY: (singing) If I only had a brain!! ALL: (stare) --The bus goes under the low archway to the bridge, ripping the entire roof off of it. The dead mummy hangs like a bug splattered on a windshield, from the bridge sign **I'm so descriptive**-- ALL: (incoherent laughter--including the characters from the original movie) ARDETH: (between fits of laughter) I love this place. EVELYN: (with tears streaking her face) That certainly was different. --On the top level, Spike and the Jawas push the debris aside to see the sky-- SPIKE: Owah.. JAWAS: (stare) Diiiink. YAKKO: (pulls the bus over) DOT: Nice driving, Yakko. --All occupants inside except Boyo, Murdoc, Spike and the Warners, jump out of the bus and run for the bathroom, Merry and Pippin in the lead-- SVEN: That'll teach 'em to eat before they ride a bus. WAKKO: Especially when Yakko's driving. SPIKE: (to Murdoc) You okay? MURDOC: May I live a thousand years and never ride another bus. ARDETH: Amen. JOHN: Ah, shut up. At least you didn't throw up. JONATHAN C: Ahem. ARDETH: (elbows him) RICK: (stares at Ardeth) ARDETH: (glares at Jonathan) EVELYN: When!? JONATHAN C: Ehh, ahem...it was after Alex was nabbed. You two got out of the bus. AUTHOR: Wow, the things you don't see in the movie. SVEN: That's so unfair. That would have been funny to see. ARDETH: (doing the Wolvie pout) --Merry and Pippin return from the bathroom, and stagger to their seats--Buffy staggers out and walks back over to the bus-- BUFFY: I don't feel s'good. SPIKE: (jumps out and puts his arm around her) It's okay, luv. Jonathan says Ardeth got sick in the real one. BUFFY: (looks at Ardeth) ARDETH: (still pouting) FRANK: (grabs Boyo off the bus, covering his mouth BEFORE he can scream...as we all know, the last thing the sick people need is a headache on top of it.) BUFFY: Boyo! SPIKE: (goes running after him, but stops) Is that that orange piece of-- BO & LUKE DUKE: Ahhh, not AGAIN!!! **The General Lee was stolen and wrecked by the X- Babies, and Merry & Pippin in Heir to the Spoof--Sven fixed the car (much to the Duke Boys' relief) ** DAISY: (waves out the driver’s side window) --Frank shoves Boyo in through the window. and gets in himself--A vampire trips off the bridge so it is now rising in the middle, then the vampire jumps into the car as it takes off, making the jump in the middle of the bridge, horn blaring. Spike snaps into action, and races after it, actually making the jump and landing on the other side.-- RICK: (makes a face) DUKE BOYS: (sigh relieved) AUTHOR: No!!! BAD!! Get your butt back to the other side, and comfort your wife! SPIKE: I can't make the jump NOW! WAGNER: (bamfs him across) SPIKE: Thanks, mate. WAGNER: No problem. Nice jump. ROMANO: Cut and print! Nice work. Now we need Dru, Angel, and Lecter! Kiss scene! RUFIO: All of them? Ugh. LECTER: (makes a face) I'm not into that type of thing. AUTHOR: Shut up and read the script. BALCONY OVERLOOKING LONDON ******************************** --A break was taken and "Peregrin, A "Willow" Spoof" has now begun.-- AUTHOR: (reenters with a redhead) DYLAN: (looks around) So this is spoof world. AUTHOR: Yep, these are my assistants, Prince John, Robert Romano, and Niles. This is Sven.. SVEN: (waves) AUTHOR: ....and her assistants, Chris Mason, Pippin, and Spike. DYLAN: Spike's rather short. JOHN: Eh, Misto? MISTO: (changes Xander and Spike back to normal size) AUTHOR: Willow. They're the Brownies. There's Horus. DYLAN: (gets an insanely happy look on her face, and rushes for the bird) Oh , he's SO SWEET!!! (pets him and hugs him) ARDETH: (backs away, slowly) LUKE: (Skywalker, not Duke) Any of this remind you of Abominable? BUFFY: I'm not gonna ask. AUTHOR: This is Dylan, everyone. She's asked to join us for this spoof. (turns to Dylan) Jawa snack stand is over there, when wandering around, don't let the gray alien out of the cage, and don't untie Frank Donovan. We're trying to get him to smile. Any questions? DYLAN: Who's Frank Donovan? AUTHOR: (points to where Frank and Alex are tied up in the corner...where the X-Babies are STILL shooting spitballs and throwing paint bombs....at Frank.) DYLAN: Right. The other Oded. ARDETH: Huh? AUTHOR: Never mind. Back to the balcony. I trust everyone has recovered the bus ride? MERRY: (makes a face) MURDOC: Ugh, Yakko makes my flying look wonderful. ROMANO: ACTION! BALCONY...TAKE TWO! ********************** --Dru and Angel stand at the railing, looking down-- ANGEL: Now we go to Am-Share, where I will kill the metal mutant. DRU: An' wha' are we gonna do this resurrection? ANGEL: The same thing we do every resurrection. Try to take over the world. XANDER: For those of you who have just joined us, everyone here is a crazy person. AUTHOR: (looks at Dylan) What do you think she's doing here? DYLAN: (still holding and petting Horus--runs up to Xander and grabs him by his shirt) In 20 years, at Cindy's wedding, don't eat the PIG!!! PLEASE DON'T EAT THE PIG!!!! (calmly turns around and sits back down, petting the bird) XANDER: (stares at her) SVEN: Congratulations, Dylan. You rendered Xander speechless. JOHN: (muttering) Trayf. **Jewish word meaning "unclean meat" i.e. Pig** AUTHOR: Oh yeah, did I mention she's insane? ANGEL: (stares at Dylan for a minute) Right then, as I was saying, try to take over the world. LECTER: (enters the balcony, and looks at Dylan) Most unusual child... NILES: Script! LECTER: Right. Excuse me, sir, but they have the Scepter of Osiris. ANGEL: So? What's your point? RICK: (rolls his eyes) Gold stick thing used to kill the Scorpion King? ANGEL: Oh right. By the time we reach Am-Share, I'll be Angelus, and won't need the stick thing. (turns to Dru) DRU: (smiles and kisses him, not caring he's a mummy) ALL: Ugh... LECTER: That's nasty. GILES: Well, it IS Drusilla. DYLAN: Not even a breath mint. PIPPIN: Wha's a breath mint? MERRY: Don' ask her. She's insane. SVEN: Who on this set ain't? MERRY & PIPPIN: (point at Donovan) He ain't. AUTHOR: We're still working on him. Story! DONOVAN: (glaring at the X-Babies....and Cross, who is laughing) BRIDGE *********** --Spike is holding Buffy-- MURDOC: (steps up) Do not fear for your son. They can't kill him yet. He's wearing the Bracelet. BUFFY: Boyo's wearing the Bracelet?! Since WHEN!? ALL: (except Dylan, who wasn't there--smack their foreheads in disbelief) MURDOC: (flatly) Since you were sucking face with the vampire. SPIKE: He said he saw...uh...Care-Nack. ARDETH: (closes his eyes and shakes his head) MURDOC: And when they reach Care-Nack, the Bracelet will tell them the next step of the journey. BUFFY: Well, if we don't get to Care-Nack before them, we won't know where to look for them next. SPIKE: We could always read the script. ROMANO: Ahem. SPIKE: Seems to me, we need...a MAGIC CARPET!? Who does he think he IS, ALADIN!? RICK: (groans) MURDOC: Please tell me we're not taking THAT one literally. AUTHOR: Well, we thought about it, but we didn't have a carpet big enough. We're cheap. Just go to the next scene. CAIRO, EGYPT ***************** --A train starts up, and moves down the tracks out into the dessert-- DYLAN: I think I can I think I can... CHRIS: I like her. (grins) JOHN: Okay, inside the train. LECTER: When Lord Angelus last encountered The Slayer and Spike, they sent his immortal soul to the underworld-- DRU: No, they didn'. Angelus didn't 'ave a soul. They brough' 'is soul back. LECTER: Beside the point. How would I know? Was I here? ROMANO: Script! LECTER: (sighs) As powerful as he will become, he is still vulnerable. Only with the Army of Anubis will he be invincible. (snaps his fingers) --A very nervous vampire hands him the "Book of Assassinations Weekly"-- LECTER: (holds it out to Dru) Keep this with you always. FRANK: (carries Boyo in) BOYO: Hey! The Book of Assassinations Weekly! Cool! DRU: Wha' a smaht li'le choild. BOYO: Not really. I saw it in the Fugitive spoof. Remember? A mummy ran across the set? DRU: Your mummy must be missing you terribly. If you wish to see her again, you'd be'ah behave. BOYO: (looks sassy) Vampire lady, I don't behave for nobody. What makes you think I'd do it for you? DRU: Because your mummy and daddy wouldn't put poisonous snakes into your bed (kisses his cheek) Whoile you were sleeping. BOYO: (screams) ALL: (cover their ears) --The windows on the train, as well as everything else glass...and the Bracelet, shatter-- IMHOTEP: (massaging his head) If the real one had done that, I'd have killed him ALEX: I think it's cool. DYLAN: What was THAT!? AUTHOR: Baby Banshee. They scared him. JOHN: Oh great. He broke the Bracelet again! AUTHOR: I need another pill. SVEN: (hands her one) ROMANO: You know, you shouldn't share prescription drugs. AUTHOR & SVEN: (give him the Wolvie glare) ROMANO: Right, my mistake. (swallows two Aspirins) CROSS: Can someone get me a headache pill!? PIPPIN: (walks over) Why didn't you just cover your ears? DONOVAN: (rolls his eyes and stares at Pippin, as if he is the dumbest creature on the planet) Because we CAN'T!? PIPPIN: Oh right. Sorry. (walks off) WEAVER: (gives the Agents Aspirin) CROSS: Thank you. WEAVER: We finally got started on your friend. --The Agents look confused-- WEAVER: The guy, Cody? We'll have him back together as soon as we can. DONOVAN: Back? WEAVER: Yes, back. What do you think we're doing with the dead people?! I'm afraid the SWAT team will take a bit, though. We're still not quite sure they're all there. (walks off) --Cross and Donovan stare at each other, puzzled-- AUTHOR: (snaps her fingers--the Bracelet is now back on Boyo's wrist and the train is back to normal) Dare you to try to break it this time. BOYO: It's heavier. SVEN: It's adamantium. ARDETH: You made the Bracelet of Anubis adamantium!? JOHN: (casually) Yeah, why? ROMANO: We got tired of fixing it every time the kid freaks out. NILES: Please continue now. LECTER: Lord Angelus wishes to meet the boy. FRANK: (grabs him) Now we shall see how brave you really are. BOYO: Hey, watch the suit! It cost more that your education! FRANK: (grumbles obscenities) BOYO: That was a bad word! I'm TELLING! AUTHOR: Enter the trio. WARREN: (looks around the train car) Nice, very nice. JONATHAN: Probably stole it from somewhere. ROMANO: You're probably right. LECTER: Did you acquire what we asked? JONATHAN: Oh we acquired it alright. ANDREW: We had to kill a couple guys to acquire it, but we got it. LECTER: Oh don't worry. The meds will bring them back. WARREN: (uncovers the chest) This chest is cursed! DRU: Yes, we know tha'. Angelus is supposed to kill you. WARREN: Well, with that in mind, we want to be paid! LECTER: My dear boy. I don't get paid! What makes you think YOU will? DRU: Tha' will be foine. Follow me gen'lemen. AUTHOR: Nice job. To the boxcar with Angel, Frank and Boyo. BOXCAR ************ FRANK: (enters with Boyo) ANGEL: (walks up, wearing an outfit that looks like the evil Emperor in StarWars, with a mask) LUKE: Owah, wht did you do, mug Giles? ANGEL: Nah, got it out of his closet. It was either this...or the dress. GILES: I do NOT own a dress. ALL: (laughing) BOYO: (looks doubtful) ANGEL: Listen carefully. It is you who are the--wait--ANOTHER Chosen One!? How many of those ARE there!? ROMANO: We don't know, nor do we care. Script! ANGEL: (sighs) You will be the one to take me to Am Share. BOYO: What if I get lost? ANGEL: You have strength, little one....unlike your father. SPIKE: HEY! ALL: (laughing) AUTHOR: Script! ANGEL: But I know something you don't. This Bracelet is both a gift and a curse. The sands of time have already begun to pour against you. BOYO: (rolls his eyes) Yeah, I heard this part. From the moment I put it on, I have seven days until the big Colossusus wakes up. ANGEL: Did you not also hear that if you do not enter the pyramid before the sun strikes it on that very morning, the Bracelet will suck the life out of you? BOYO: Hey! That part wasn't in my script! JOHN: Yeh, we know. It wasn't supposed to be. BOYO: Does that count the days we work on the other spoofs? AUTHOR: If it did, you'd be dead already. BOYO: Right, that means I've got five days left.....give or take a few. ANGEL: Then I think it would be best if we do not 'get lost', don't you? BOYO: Stupid Vampire Mummy. My Daddy 's gonna kick your ass.....and if he don't, my Mommy WILL! ANGEL: (removes his mask) I do not think so. ALL: (get ready to hold their ears) BOYO: Woahhhh COOL!!! Did you know your face is rotting off?! That is so NEAT!!! Lemme TOUCH it! **Yes, I took a few ideas from various lists of things we'd like to see in The Mummy, but I tried to word them my own way, and of course...think about it. This is EXACTLY how an X-Baby would react to something like this** ANGEL: (gives a flat look) Get that kid out of here, Frankie. FRANK: (picks Boyo up) Okay, kid, back to the Asylum. NILES: Cut and print. Enter the trio.....again. DRU: (leads the trio into the boxcar) In heah, gen'lemen, an' you will receive your jus' rewa'ds. ANDREW: I don't like the sound of that. SVEN: Well, you ARE supposed to die. DRU: (walks out and slams the door shut, locking it) Noice knowin' you. Sic em Angelus. ANGEL: (jumps down without his outfit on, roaring) TRIO: (stares) ANDREW: Is he....naked? AUTHOR: Uh, never really thought of it...but I guess he is. JONATHAN: That's gross. WARREN: Shut up and shoot him, you idiots! --The trio shoots at Angel until they have no bullets left-- ANGEL: (as the Pillsbury doughboy--rubs his tummy) Ha-ho! ANDREW: That's disturbing. JONATHAN: Lemme OUT!!! (pounds on the door) DRU: (through the opening) He wan's you to open the ches'! Open i'! ANDREW: (like the moron that he is....opens the chest) --Angel sucks them all dry...end of story, no more Trio!-- BUFFY: YES!!! THEY'RE DEAD!!!! (does a victory dance) EVELYN: She doesn't like them much, does she? ARDETH: You think? RICK: Nah, could never tell. AUTHOR: Okay, we need Lando. On to the airport! MAGIC CARPET AIRWAYS.....YOU FLY WITH US, YOU DIE WITH US. ************************************************************ **don't ask, I just added that for kicks** --Spike drives up to the airport. In the car are Buffy and Xander.--We note that the car they are in, looks exactly like the one they drove to the airport in the last one....Egypt has a lot of them, we assume.-- BUFFY: THIS is the magic carpet? What a dump. HAN: Well, it IS Lando. XANDER: We're gonna die. SPIKE: Ah, shut up. At least Jack Dalton's not flying this time. We're gonna be fine. He's a professional. LANDO: (has just exited the building) SPIKE: Lando! LANDO: (screams and slams the door shut in front of them) SPIKE: 'Ey! BUFFY: He definitely remembers you. SPIKE: He's a little shy. LUKE: Shy? Lando? LIEA: Don't ask. SPIKE: Xander, get the bags. XANDER: (carrying only the scepter) Why do I have to? Buffy's got super strength. Can't we just load her up like one of those little horses? SVEN: He's been around Anya too much. SPIKE: (snatches the scepter) NOW! XANDER: You know, I CAN kick your butt, Evil Dead. SPIKE: I'll deal with the flight details. (shoots the lock on the door) BUFFY: You're not very subtle, are you? SPIKE: We don't have time for subtle. (kicks the door open) Lando, come here! BUFFY: He doesn't look very happy to see you. SPIKE: He's never turned me down yet. SVEN: (flatly) You've never asked him for anything, yet. LANDO: Whatever it is, I don't care. Every time I hook up with you, I get shot. Last time I got shot in the ass! I'm in mourning for my ass! HAN: Ehhhh... ROMANO: Nice acting job, Lando. LANDO: (bows) Thank you. (yanks a map out from under some sleeping clone's head) Remember that bank job? BUFFY: Bank job? SPIKE: He's lying. It's not like that. LANDO: It's exactly like it sounds. I'm flying high, hiding in the sun. The white boy flags me down, I fly in low for the pickup...the next thing I know, I get SHOT! I'm laying in the middle of the road with my spleen hanging out, and he comes waltzing up with some belly dancer girl! BUFFY: Yeah, that sounds like Spike. SPIKE: He's lying! I never did ANYthing like that! XANDER: Oh yeah, we believe it. AUTHOR: Obviously we're not paying Lando for flying, so Spike, give him the gold stick thing so we can get on with this spoof! LANDO: (grins and holds out his hand) SPIKE: (rolls his eyes and hands over the scepter) Come on, get to work. LANDO: (walks next to Buffy) You make a wonderful Leia, by the way. BUFFY: Thank you. (smiles) I guess it's not a bad role. XANDER: Hello! Remember your son?! BUFFY: What son? JOHN: Oy. SPIKE: I'm getting a headache here. SVEN: You're not the only one. (swallows her pills) AUTHOR: Breaktime!!! I'll be back in a few hours! DYLAN: WAAAAHHH, BUT I DIDN'T GET TO KISS IMHOTEP YET!!!! IMHOTEP: (looks at Glory, shrugs, then walks over and kisses Dylan on the mouth before leaving the set with his wife) DYLAN: (grins happily) I love that man. RICK, EVELYN, & ARDETH: (stare at her like she's insane) ARDETH: I'm going to eat now. Carter? CARTER: Coming! (runs out after him) SVEN: (exits with the Hobbits) --A week later, Author and Sven return-- AUTHOR: Are we ready to get back to this spoof? BOYO: You know, you're right. If this thing worked while you were gone, I'd be long since dead already. SVEN: Yes, well, you're still alive, so quit complaining. JOHN: (enters) Is everyone here? ROMANO: (looks around) Niles is missing. AUTHOR: He'll be back soon. Just as long as Sheffield is here for Lost World. BUFFY: Where were we? MURDOC: ME! (rides up on a horse with 12 other assassins on horses) LANDO: (looks up) What does HE want? MURDOC: I'm here to shoot you. (shoots Lando) AUTHOR: Murdoc! BAD! MURDOC: It was only a knee-cap. LANDO: (screaming in pain) HAN: (laughing) RICK: Now why couldn't Ardeth have actually done that? ARDETH: (gives a 'duh' look) Because he's supposed to be the pilot! Now, he's going to be on morphine! SPIKE: Oh we're gonna die. Nice work, Murdoc. MURDOC: You and I are both pilots, you know. AUTHOR: Beside the point. Just do the scene. Kovac, take Lando to medlab! SPIKE: Sorry about that, mate. LANDO: I'm gonna kill you. BUFFY: He's already dead. LANDO: Not him. XANDER: (looks at Murdoc) Good luck. Others have tried and failed. --After Lando is ushered into medlab-- MURDOC: These are the Commanders of the twelve tribes of the Med-jai Assassins. Stephan! (holds his arm out) STEPHAN: Ah ah ee ee!! Falkie Falkie! (lands on Murdoc's arm) ALL: (laughing) DYLAN: Isn't he cute? (pets Horus) Of course not as cute as the real one. MURDOC: (gives a Look to the bird) XANDER: Ah...a pet bird...such a humanizing touch. **also a line from the book** MURDOC: He's no pet. He's Jareth's brother. It is he who will let the commanders know of our progress, so they will follow at a distance. SPIKE: Good idea. MURDOC: If the Army of Anubis arises, the Med-jai Assassins will do all they can to stop it. BUFFY: Cool. Where's Lando? LANDO: (enters with Kovac at one side and Benton at the other) BENTON: We had to give him morphine, so he shouldn't be flying. XANDER: We're gonna die. LANDO: (grinning drunkenly, shuffles over to the boat-balloon) SPIKE: (stares) It's a balloon. LANDO: (smiles) Tha's what they gave me. (laughs) SPIKE: Where's your ship!? LANDO: On the StarWars set. They wouldn't let me bring it. (staggers to the balloon) SVEN: We don't want the Lady Luck. They'd get there before the others did, and that wouldn't be fun. SPIKE: Lando, you're gonna get shot....again. (pulls out a blaster) BUFFY: Spike, you can't shoot him. SPIKE: Why not? If I kill him, they can bring him back sober. AUTHOR: Yeah, but where's the fun in THAT?! MURDOC: (eyes the balloon) What a piece of junk! Why can't you people keep your feet on the ground? BUFFY: Because we're all in StarWars. Get in. (pushes him toward the balloon) --Dot's tour group comes through, now wearing T-shirts that say "I love Egypt", and "The Sahara Rocks", holding cameras, and wearing funny hats and sunglasses-- DOT: And here we have a group of idiots aboard a balloon, to which the pilot is on morphine. They will be taking off and first flying in front of the pyramids, which the Egyptians built in the shape of a huge triangular cube......the Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. ALL: (stare) PIPPIN: (to Merry) Why do you s'pose they built them all the way up there? ARDETH & IMHOTEP: (laughing) BUFFY: We're flying all the way back to France? SPIKE: (gives her a brain duster) BUFFY: (hits him back) XANDER: That's better. I was worried for a while. BUFFY & SPIKE: (glare at Xander) BUFFY: Butt out. LANDO & MURDOC: (exchange a glance) MURDOC: Ah, young love. LANDO: (laughing hysterically) --We note that MURDOC is steering the balloon-- AUTHOR: Okay, they fly in front of the sun...which somehow becomes the moon....don't ask how. DYLAN: ET phone home. MURDOC: Sun sets fast here, too. XANDER: I guess so. MURDOC: Spike does not wish to accept it, but he flies like Horus toward his destiny. XANDER: Isn't that supposed to be Stephan? --They both look over at Stephan, who is now in human form, with his feet propped up and reading a book-- MURDOC: Yeah, that's Stephan, but royalty is lazy. STEPHAN: (cheesy grin) XANDER: Right. Tell me more about this gold pyramid. MURDOC: Since the time of the Scorpion King, no one who has ever laid eyes on it has ever returned to tell the tale. XANDER: If no one returned to tell the tale, who told you? **in the book** MURDOC: It is written-- XANDER: Where is all this written? (snatches the gold scepter) Hello! MURDOC: It's written in the script. I read it, that's how I know, and that's Lando's. XANDER: Not anymore. I borrowed it. MURDOC: (shrugs) Well, if the psychiatrist reacted to it the way you say he did, it must be important. You should keep it close. XANDER: My friend, the gods could not take this away from me. LANDO: EY! That's mine! (snatches it) Hands off! (waves it around) Pretty. MURDOC: (is laughing) XANDER: (does the Wolvie pout) AT THE FRONT OF THE BOAT BALLOON ************************************* --Buffy is standing alone, looking all sad when Spike comes up behind her.-- BUFFY: (tries not to flinch when Spike puts his arms around her) I want him back. SPIKE: Who? BUFFY: (glares) Angel. SPIKE: (makes a face) No you don't.....and he's Angelus now. BUFFY: I'm reading the script....like you should be. SPIKE: Right. Don't worry about it, luv. He can scream their eardrums out if they scare him....really, I feel sorry for them. BUFFY: (nods) Good point. --They stand silently for a minute-- DYLAN: I'm flying, Jack! I'm flying! ALL: (laughing) BUFFY: Yeah, that was what I was thinking, too. SPIKE: No kiddin. When is all this sappy stuff over? RICK: Hey! SVEN: Pu-lease! Do you guys make out that much in front of your son!? JONATHAN C: Yes they do. SPIKE: (makes a face) It's a wonder the kid don't have brain damage by now. ALEX: (makes a face) I keep telling them to get a room. ROMANO: Okay, enough with the sappy stuff. We go to the next morning on the train, where, again, the sun rises very fast. Frank and Boyo! Action! TRAIN ********* --Frank and Boyo are seated across from each other at a small table-- BOYO: Are we there yet? FRANK: No. BOYO: Are we there yet? FRANK: No. BOYO: Are we there yet? FRANK: NO! BOYO: (louder) Are we there yet? FRANK: (louder) NO! BOYO: Are we there yet? FRANK: NO! BOYO: ARE WE THERE YET?! FRANK: NO! AND IF YOU ASK-- BOYO: (singing) Are we there yet, are we there yet? Where are we? Where are we? How soon till we get there, how soon till we get there, are we there yet, are we there yet? FRANK: (glares) BOYO: Are we there NOW? FRANK: (glaring) NO! RICK: Uh, Alex, did you really-- ALEX: (grins) EVELYN: (looks impressed) RICK: Nice work, son. BOYO: Are we there yet? FRANK: (pulls out a lightsaber) No. BOYO: (shrill) ARE WE THERE YET?! FRANK: (holding his ears) NO! JONATHAN C: Explains why the man wanted to kill him so badly. ARDETH: (nods in agreement) I would have done it already, Bracelet or no. ALEX: (stares, horrified) RICK: Ahem. BOYO: Are we there yet? FRANK: No. BOYO: Are we-- FRANK: (uses the lightsaber to slice the table in half, just missing Boyo's hand) BOYO: Wow! Cool! That was great! Perfect aim! FRANK: (matter-of-factly) What are you talking about? I missed. BOYO: WAAAAHHH!!! YOU'RE MEAN!!! FRANK: (holds up the lightsaber) If you don't-- BOYO: I have to use the bathroom. GILES: Well, I guess that could get VERY annoying after a while. JOHN: Meanwhile, in Angeles’s boxcar....which we wonder why they left him alone all night, when the Trio has obviously been dead for quite some time. ANGELUS: I wondered about that. What was I supposed to be doing all night? Playing Solitaire? DRU: (enters) Sorry, moi Angelus. We 'ad to follow the script. Can you forgive me? ANGELUS: (wraps his arms around her, and kisses her) I think I can. I love this acting thing. AUTHOR: Okay to the bathroom! SPIKE: To throw up after that last scene? ANGELUS: (flips Spike off) AUTHOR: No, to see what torture Boyo can inflict next. BATHROOM//TRAIN ******************* FRANK: (shoves Boyo in) Make it quick. BOYO: (glares at the dirty bathroom) On second thought, I don't have to go THAT bad. FRANK: (pushes him onto the closed toilet seat) Hurry up! BOYO: (notices several comic books next to the toilet paper....because we may be cheap, but we can afford toilet paper) Hey! Reading material! FRANK: NOW! BOYO: (jumps up) FRANK: (crosses his arms) BOYO: I can't go with you watching! FRANK: (turns around) BOYO: (pointedly) I don't trust you! You'll LOOK! FRANK: (stares at him, disgustedly) No thanks, kid. You're not really my type. (walks out, and closes the door) ALL: (laughing) SVEN: Cute. BOYO: (does the Wolvie pout, before opening the toilet) Doesn't anyone here know how to FLUSH!? RICK: Ugh. ALEX: TELL me about it. What a bunch of pigs. BOYO: (still making the face) AUTHOR: Boyo, you have to flush it. BOYO: Ugh, no WAY! What if I get cooties? JOHN: Oy, this may take a while. AUTHOR: Boyo, flush the toilet. If you get cooties, the meds can cure you. BOYO: (glares at the toilet before flushing it) ROMANO: Then he sees the tracks below, pulls the toilet away from the wall, pulls the break, and climbs down through the hole. BOYO: NO WAY! I flushed it, but I'm NOT climbing down there! I'll REALLY get cooties! WOLVIE: Come on! Climb down the toilet hole!!! Piggy piggy!!! ALEX: It wasn't that bad! I got out, didn't I? IMHOTEP: And you also got caught, didn't you? (grins) ALEX: (does the Wolvie pout) BOYO: (pulls the emergency break, causing the train to jerk) --All inside the train are thrown around, including Angelus and Dru, who are....er...WERE still kissing-- BOYO: I'm NOT climbing down that! KURT 2: (bamfs in) Shut up and hold on! (bamfs Boyo out) Now do your part. (bamfs back to the side, and returns to the babysitting room) SVEN: Sucker! KURT 2: It vas bettah zhen listening to him complain! JOHN: Kid's got a point. BOXCAR *********** ANGELUS & DRU: (turn at the sound of gunshots) ANGELUS: Are they shooting at the only one who can get us to Am Share? DRU: Sounds loike i'. Wha' do you wanna do abou' i'? --In the main car, Lecter and Frank watch the X-Baby run, dodging the bullets-- LECTER: Fast little thing, isn't he? FRANK: (nods) ANGELUS: (opens the door to the boxcar, and looks up at the vampires on the train's roof) --He waves his hands, throwing the vampires into two stone columns--because! Guess what! They've conveniently stopped in front of "Care-Nack"-- AUTHOR: Okay, now I don't get this one. In the first one, he was supposed to have had power over the SANDS! How come he now has power over everything? ARDETH: (shrugs) I give up. ROMANO: It's another screw-up in the movie. Don't even ask. FRANK: (looks at Lecter, then back at the two vampires getting off the ground) LECTER: (shrugs) Use the Farce. SVEN: Yeah, that about sums it up. ANGELUS: (to Dru) Look, this must be Care-Nack. BOYO: (relieved to not be getting shot at anymore, continues running....he stops finally in front of an ugly black pool, and his arm jerks up) --The Bracelet shows the next stop, and just as it finishes, Angelus suddenly walks up in front of him-- ANGELUS: Nice try, kid. Now get your butt back over with the rest of us. BOYO: (sticks his lip out and follows Angelus) RICK: Well, that was something. BOYO: (to Angelus) That was a really cool trick, throwing the vampires like that. Do you have the Dark Side? ANGELUS: Shut up. JOHN: Okay, back with the balloon. BALLOON BOAT **************** AUTHOR: Okay, we have a line of the sacred Med-jai crap, skip that.....Spike? SPIKE: So, what can we expect from our old pal, He Who Shall Not Be Named? MURDOC: I should think you'd know him better than I would. AUTHOR: Ahem. MURDOC: Right, script. (sighs) His powers are returning. By the time he reaches Am Share, not even the Scorpion Colossus will be able to stop him. LOGAN: I can't believe they're calling him that. SVEN: It sounds good. ROMANO: Okay, the flashback. Buffy sees it with Dru and Spike. DOT: We're actually doing a flashback? **we skipped them all in Dot the Vampire Slayer** JOHN: Yeah, it's Pharaoh's part. WAGNER: (grins) AUTHOR: ACTION! ANGELUS: (distantly) It is time to remind you of who you are.... FLASHBACK ************** --Elvis Pharaoh Nightcrawler the First sits on his throne.....playing with a gold object on a chain around his neck...which you could identify if you read the first section of Peregrin...hint hint..-- AUTHOR: WOULD YOU QUIT PLAYING WITH THAT THING?! You're supposed to give it to Charlie X like we told you to! WAGNER: (does the Wolvie pout, but stops playing with the object) ANGELUS: (standing behind him) Pretty. WAGNER: Zhanks, but it's not mine. ANGELUS: Obviously. --On the main floor in front of the throne, two women dressed half naked, with masks, are fighting with those "Raphael" weapons. They are obviously Buffy and Dru.-- SPIKE: Hello nurse. BUFFY & DRU: (glare at him) --The women begin to fight almost like dancing. Dru knocks Buffy off her feet. Buffy pulls up her mask.... on her right index finger is a white plastic band-aid with rainbow dinosaurs on it.-- XANDER: Wait a minute. What's with the band-aid? IMHOTEP: (stares at it) LANGLY: Uh...I don't think they had those back then. AUTHOR: Tell that to the Director. It was in the movie. Watch it. BYERS: You're kidding, right? DYLAN: Nope, it was there. I saw it too. I'm the one who pointed it out to Cassi.....except that it wasn't like that. It was flesh colored. AUTHOR: We had to stress it. That's the way we work. Continue. DRU: (shrugs) Pu' youah mosk back on. Le's no' scar a pre'y face.....she's no' pre'y. SPIKE, XANDER, & ANGELUS: Yes she is. SVEN: Says the Buffy fan club. ANGELUS: I'm not her fan. I just said she's pretty. ROMANO: We don't care. The women continue fighting without the masks....(pauses) Never a mud pit around when you need one. (evil grin) CHRIS: Wait....if this woman looked like Evelyn, why didn't the mummy recognize her in the first one? He was there. AUTHOR: Ida' know. (looks at Imhotep) ALL: (look at Imhotep) IMHOTEP: (frowns) I don't know.....maybe it's the director's fault....like the new powers. ROMANO: Good point. Just continue. --Buffy loses her "Rapheal" weapons, and grabs a spear...Dru throws her weapons, hitting two statues in the groin-- ALL MEN: (wince) MURDOC: Can she do that every time? BYERS: (grins proudly) I can. XANDER: (whimpers) **this was in Musketeers....which was removed from fanfic.net....and they wouldn't tell me why...so if any of yous knows, please tell me what rule it could have broken** MULDER: Oh let it go! It was several spoofs ago! SVEN: Nine, to be exact..**has it been so long? (grins proudly)** GILES: Really? Where does the time go? FROHIKE: No kiddin'. That was the second one we were ever in! JIMMY: My first. (grins) It's been fun. JOHN: Okay, enough reminiscing. Back to the spoof. --The women continue their fight with spears....much to Buffy's protest, Dru wins.-- DRU: Well done, Slayah. Oi'll 'ave to watch moi back. BUFFY: (glares) Apparently, I'd better watch my own. WAGNER: Vell done, ladies! Who better to guard zhe Bracelet of Anubis zhen my own daughter? BUFFY: You're my Dad? Wow, my Mom had weird taste. CORSAIR: I thought I was her father.... SVEN: We do this kind of thing all the time. WOLVIE: I have three Daddies! BUFFY: Right. Forget I said anything. WAGNER: I happen to sink I'm good-looking. KURT 2: Chicks dig zhe fuzzy dude! KITTY 2: Like, get a life, Kurt! AUTHOR: Wagner's a babe, now shut up and act! WAGNER: (grins) I'm not going to say zhat Drusilla vill protect me because she's cheating on me and she tried to kill me in zhe last Mummy spoof. BUFFY: My Dad's smart. (they hug) DRU: (glares) ANGELUS: (passes by her and the two of them kiss passionately) XANDER: Oh yeah, I think it's obvious that she's cheating. JONATHAN C: Most definitely. RICK: I can't stand that woman. EVELYN: That makes two of us. SVEN: Dru, or the real one? RICK: Dru hasn't killed Evelyn. AUTHOR: Ix-nay on the ill-kay. BUFFY: What? ROMANO: Never mind....let's see. They redo the scene from the first one, except that Buffy's watching, and we learn that it was her who called the Med-jai-- ANGELUS: Snitch! EVELYN: It was my father. RICK: Oh, not again! Cut that out. You are not the daughter of the Pharaoh. AUTHOR: Anyway, Buffy sees Pharaoh die and in real life, she falls out of the balloon. BUFFY: WHAT?! NO WAY!! He didn't even die! He bamfed out! MURDOC: (shrugs and pushes her out of the balloon) --Spike then attacks Murdoc, and the two get into a fight, which a doped up Lando watches, laughing, and Xander steals back the gold stick, while Buffy hangs by one foot from a net attached to the side of the boat-- RICK: Well, this is exciting. BUFFY: I don't believe this. ALL: (laughing) GLORY: Now THIS is funny! DAWN: (snickering) DYLAN: WATCH THAT FIRST STEP!! IT'S A DOOZEY! BUFFY: (glares) Thanks for the warning. STEPHAN: (sets his book down and glances around the deck) Ooookaaay. (looks over at Buffy) Need a hand? ARDETH: Let me get this straight! The BIRD helps her back in!? CARTER: And the Med-jai was the one who pushed her off to start with. (incoherent laughter) STEPHAN: (pulls Buffy back in) Are you okay? BUFFY: Yeah, excuse me while I kick some butt. (joins the fight) STEPHAN: (shrugs and returns to his book) AUTHOR: Okay, skip the whole return Dru's soul thing. One Soul Boy was enough. What came next? ROMANO: I'm all for lunch break while they duke it out. AUTHOR: Good idea. Let's go. --Author, Sven, and all assistants leave-- DOT: (comes in with the tour group) And here, our heroes are having a big fight while the evil Angelus gets stronger. GROUP: Oooo... A WEEK LATER, AUTHOR AND COMPANY RETURN... AUTHOR: Well, I still think it sucked. It's not fair! SVEN: It's not going to happen anyway. We're keeping them. They're too good. AUTHOR: I mean for the show! They were the only thing that stupid series had going for it. SVEN: They're ending the series anyway. Does it matter? RICK: What are they talking about? ROMANO: Beats me. They've been going on about it since we met up with them. CHRIS: I know what it is. (grins) JOHN: Ah, shut up. We need to return to the spoof. **In case you were wondering, we were discussing the untimely demise of the Lone Gunmen on the X- Files....so I guess that shows when I wrote this part, huh? ^_^** JOHN: Is the fight over? GLORY: (grins) Yes. IMHOTEP: (laughing) SVEN: Okay, Wha’d we miss? MURDOC: Glory killed Buffy, Spike and Xander. AUTHOR: Well, I guess that's one way to stop a fight. LANDO: (now sober) I got my stick back! (holds it up) AUTHOR: Right. Okay....Sven, note the deaths, and Glory, you only have one more free kill. GLORY: (looks at Giles) I know. ROMANO: Okay, bring the stars back to life, and we'll get on with the spoof. STEPHAN: Do we have to? JOHN: Do you want an Oscar? STEPHAN: (grins) Right, where were we? DOT: Angelus got stronger and you guys had a fight. SPIKE: (steps in from medlab) The next time I get dusted, can you get rid of this bloody chip? I have a headache. SVEN: Sorry, dude. The chip turned to dust with you. Have a pill. --After a few minutes, the other two stars have been brought back to life, and have reentered the main set-- AUTHOR: Okay.....(checks the script) We were just after the flashback...(gestures to Ardeth, who nudges Evelyn and Jonathan) --Imhotep, Glory, Jonathan, Penny, Evelyn, Dylan, Ardeth and Carter slowly sneak out-- SPIKE: Oh look more past life stuff. ROMANO: Just read. SPIKE: (rolls his eyes) Look Slayer, I know you've been under a lot of stress, but these dreams-- WOLFGIRL: (singing) Go on when I close my eyes. Every second of the night, I live another life! (takes a bow to wild applause) **Heart/"These Dreams"** ALL: (either applauding or laughing) AUTHOR: Very good. SPIKE: Very funny. BUFFY: No, they're memories from my....my...(she is staring over the side of the balloon at a group of people in the "dessert") Tell me I'm not seeing this. LANDO: And we thought the Raptors doing the Macarena was weird. --Down in the dessert, the characters who left the set, as well as several others-including Nikki, Langly, the Jawas, The Warners, Ryan Gaerity, and the Raptor Squad are doing, "Walk Like an Egyptian", by the Bangles.-- ARAGORN: (dressed for Jurassic Lost World, and high on morphine, joins them) RICK: (stares) ALEX: (jumps up and joins them) --Author, John, Chris, Sven, Pippin, and the "Tour Group" join them as well....especially since Dot was already out there.-- XANDER: Well what do you know? In flight entertainment. STEPHAN: (changes into a falcon, flies down, changes back into a human, and joins them) ROMANO: (sighs) This is going to be a looong spoof. WAGNER: But entertaining, ey? ROMANO: Yes that it is. FROHIKE: (to Mulder) I think Langly's gone insane. MULDER: Falling off a cliff will do that, I suppose. **Cutthroat** BYERS: (jumps up and joins the group) --The song soon ends and all return to their seats after taking their bows. Stephan returns to the balloon-- MURDOC: Have fun? STEPHAN: Oh yeah. I love this place. AUTHOR: Okay, back to the spoof. WAKKO: What spoof? JOHN: Ahem? WAKKO: Right, that spoof. BUFFY: I forgot my line. ARAGORN: Can we dance again? (laughing) AUTHOR: We just cannot keep our characters off the morphine. TIMMY: Well, he tasted bad anyway. **Jurassic/Lost World, Aragorn was mauled by Compys** ARDETH: Let's play cards, Aragorn. LEGOLAS: Can I play? SVEN: He's not gambling Gondor away, people. LEGOLAS & ARDETH: (do the Wolvie pout) AUTHOR: Okay, pick up after the past life crap...eh never mind. Go to Care-nack. Boyo is chained to a small post....eh guys? Get rid of the doghouse. FRANK: (sticks his lip out and removes the doghouse....then also removes the bone from the ground) RICK: Tell me they didn't-- ALEX: No. BOYO: (doing the Wolvie pout) FRANK: (snickers) Stupid kid. I still say he deserved a doghouse. ROMANO: That may be so, but at one point, we need to follow the script. ALL: (Wolvie pout) JOHN: Okay, Frank charges in and Boyo is chained to a stake. FRANK: (comes in with a container, glaring) BOYO: (holds up the bracelet) Hold it, meanie. I have this, so you can't hurt me. FRANK: When the time comes, I'm going to enjoy killing you, you little monster. BOYO: Until that time, you better be a little nicer to me. Now where's my Kool-aide? FRANK: (throws the container at him) BOYO: This is WATER! YUCK! I want KOOL-AIDE!!! FRANK: Stuff it, you little cretin. BOYO: I'm TELLING! FRANK: (charges out) Yeah I hope your face ends up an a milk carton, after you choke on the water! BOYO: (watches him leave with a glare, then dumps the water onto the sand, and begins to build) JOHN: Okay, that was interesting. Next day, Care-nack. The balloon lands after the others have all left. --Murdoc and Spike run for the abandoned train with their guns-- SPIKE: Will someone tell me what the point is to this? We know they're gone. MURDOC: (matter of factly) To see if they left any weapons behind, dummy. SPIKE: Oh..right. BUFFY: (enters the area where Boyo was held, and finds his tie hanging from a statue) Spike! Murdoc! --The two come running, as they have found no weapons left behind-- SPIKE: What? BUFFY: Boyo left us his tie....and a little sand-castle....How pretty...it's ...um... MURDOC: Kind of looks like a bunch of lumps. How thoughtful of him. WOLVIE: Boyo never was good at art. CYKE: He thucks ath an artitht. SPIKE: (to Buffy) What'th an artitht? BUFFY: (ignores him) Where do we go next? MURDOC: (reads the script) Phil-ay. BUFFY: Phil-ay? What's that? EVELYN: That's pronounced-- RICK: Don't bother, honey. They don't care. It's a temple island. Look in the Nile. RUFIO: Denial is de longest river in de world. PENNY: (singing) Cleopatra smiles! I am the Queen of the Nile! **"Cleo Rocks"-from MacGyver episode, "Cleo Rocks" (duh) written by Michael Des Barres (Murdoc)** MACGYVER: Cute. MURDOC: (as Jacques LaRue) Well done, Penny! LANGLY: Huh? NIKKI: You don't want to know. It's a long story. PENNY: (grins proudly) I can still do the whole song. JONATHAN C: That' I'd love to see, darling. AUTHOR: Maybe later. Spoof now. Murdoc sends Stephan off with a message for the Med-jai Assassins, and when he comes back, they continue on to Phil-ay. "PHIL-AY" ************** --The balloon lands and they find Boyo's jacket over another lump of sand-- BUFFY: (reading the script) The Great Temple of Aboo-Simba. CHRIS: Where did Simba come from? AUTHOR: Beats me. SVEN: His mother and father. AUTHOR: You know his father was Darth Vader? LUKE: Huh? AUTHOR: Seriously. Watch the show and listen to his voice. **Disney's "The Lion King"** LANGLY: (eyeing the jacket) This kid's gonna be naked by the time they reach the pyramid. FROHIKE: (nods in agreement) WAKKO: How did they miss that? YAKKO: You'd think they'd notice the lack of clothing. AUTHOR: (shrugs) Anyway, Murdoc sends Stephan again, and when he returns, they head for Aboo- Simba. ROMANO: At Aboo-Simba, Stephan is sent again and ends up flying over the other guys....how did he do that? PIPPIN: Do what? ROMANO: Let me get this straight. They are following behind the bad guys. The Assassins are following behind them. So how did the bird fly over the bad guys if the bad guys were in FRONT of them? YAKKO: You lost me. SVEN: Another pointless movie error. Just continue. ROMANO: Right. Stephan flies way ahead, and over the bad guys. JOHN: And when he sees the bad guys, he realizes he went the wrong way, so he makes a big U turn and flies all the way back to get to the Assassins. AUTHOR: A very LARGE army of Assassins, we might add. Now back to the balloon, where Stephan has returned, and we go to the Blue Nile. --At the Blue Nile, Angelus watches the balloon round the corner. How those in the balloon missed seeing him, we're not sure. How many half naked regenerated mummies could there BE in this place?-- SPIKE: That's the Blue Nile down there. We're not in Egypt anymore, Toto. BUFFY: Very funny, Dorothy. In the ancient times, all this still belonged to the upper kingdom. The Oasis must be around here somewhere. SPIKE: Don't worry. Boyo will leave us a sign. He's a smart kid...I think. BOYO: I heard that. Daddy said I'm STUPID! FIDDLES: I didn't hear him say that! Nope, nope, nope! That's not what he said! TOADPOLE: He said he thinks you MIGHT be stupid. AUTHOR: Okay, the riverbank with Boyo! --At the riverbank, Boyo is writing in the sand in big letters, "Frank-Lock-Jaw is a big--" FRANK: (sneaks up behind him and grabs him) Surprised to see me?! BOYO: (screams) --Everyone BUT Frank covers their ears-- BOYO: Ey! No fair! FRANK: (pulls out a pair of Acme earplugs) I'm not stupid. ANGELUS: WHAT!? ROMANO: Script! (to Cassi) Give me the headache pill bottle. ANGELUS: Lock-Jaw, put the boy down before the rest of us go completely deaf. AUTHOR: Amen, pal. (hands Romano and John the bottle after swallowing two pills) ANGELUS: (to Boyo) I hope your parents enjoyed their flight....because their ship is going down. --He grins and creates a huge wall of water by waving his hands, then sends it after the balloon-- LECTER, FRANK, DRU & BOYO: Cool. ANGELUS: (grins and bows before returning his concentration to his water wall) BALLOON *********** LANDO: (frowns at the sudden silence, then turns as he hears something) I've got a bad feeling about this. XANDER, MURDOC, BUFFY, SPIKE & STEPHAN: WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!!! SVEN: Nice job, Lando. --They look up and see the water wall with Angeles’s face on it....with a big pink bow in his hair and the kissy lipped, make-up covered design of a Kewpie doll-- SPIKE: Oh not AGAIN!!! DOT: (with her tour group, who are now sporting T-shirts of Am-Share and cameras) Couldn't help it. (grins) LANDO: (makes a face) STEPHAN: (changes into a falcon and flies up) Ah ah ee ee!! Falkie Falkie!! SPIKE: (watches Stephan) Lando, hard RIGHT! NOW!! --Lando hits a switch, causing rocket engines to ignite and the balloon shoots through the canyon, following Stephan-- JARETH: And they actually trust him to lead them out?! SARAH: (shrugs) AUTHOR: (flatly) He will if he wants another Oscar. DAYLAN: WATCH OUT FOR THAT TREE! LANDO: WHERE!? (turns to look) MURDOC: ACK! Watch out for the CLIFFWALL!! (grabs the wheel) STEVE: Well, that was almost tragic. JOHN: You'd think they'd learn not to listen to her by now. --The balloon rounds a corner and outruns the water. By the time the balloon slows down, Lando is soaked, as is Murdoc, who was at the wheel with him, and the others are dry-- ANGELUS: (does the Wolvie pout) XANDER: Well that was a little too close for comfort. LANDO: Is there a little something you forgot to mention? SPIKE: You've been here for the whole spoof. You should have known. STEPHAN: (lands in the balloon and changes back into a human) People! HELLO!! (points) I've been trying to TELL you something! --He is pointing to a big billboard that reads, "Am-Share! Welcome to the Ultimate showdown! You VS. the Scorpion Colossus....if you live that long. Do have a nice day and enjoy your stay." On the other side of the billboard, the canyon opens up into a green valley with waterfalls and a big pyramid at the very back with a blinking neon sign that reads, "Yes, this is the solid gold pyramid with the huge diamond on top."-- MURDOC: Am-Share. XANDER: How do you figure? MURDOC: Don't make me push you off here. SPIKE: I'll help. LANDO: He's BACK! --The wall of water has returned and Angelus has succeeded in getting rid of the ribbon bow, and ridiculous kewpie doll face-- XANDER: Makes him look less scary, doesn't it? STEPHAN: (tries to shift, but is pulled down by Murdoc) MURDOC: Too late! DUCK! BUFFY: Lando? LANDO: (punches the button for the rockets.....nothing happens) LEIA: Well, I'm not surprised. LANDO: It was supposed to WORK! It's not my fault! ALL IN BALLOON: We're gonna DIE!!! --The water hits the balloon, bringing it down-- RICK: Did they live through it? AUTHOR: Ehhh.... SPIKE: Ohh, my head. BUFFY: I hate this movie. MURDOC: I am alive! STEPHAN: (coughs on water) I hope I can still fly. SPIKE: Lando? STEPHAN: (looks over) I think Lando and Xander are dead. BUFFY: (checks Xander) He's still alive....but he's not doing very good. SVEN: So kill him so the meds can bring him back. It's easier. MURDOC: Good point. (aims his gun) SPIKE: Allow me. (shoots him) Ah, that felt good. AUTHOR: Med team! We need these two brought back! NOW! ROMANO: Okay, people! Take a break! (thinks a minute) After Angelus and Boyo do their scene. ANGELUS: (triumphantly) Who's the man? LECTER, FRANK, & DRU: (as well as all with them--cheer) ANGELUS: (bows and walks out of the water) BOYO: (jumps on him) You killed my Mommy and Daddy!!! (beats him with his fists) I HATE YOU, YOU BIG MEAN SMELLY MUMMY!!! WOLVIE: Hey, that's MY Mommy, TOO! (jumps in, and bites Angelus on his ankle) ANGELUS: OW!!! HEY! GET THESE RODENTS OFF ME!!! FRANK: (pulls Boyo off) Let's go. BUFFY: Wolvie, I'm still alive. WOLVIE: Does that mean I can't bite him? GILES: Oh heavens no! Bite all you like! It's rather amusing! WOLVIE: (chews on Angeles’s ankle) ARDETH: Now THAT would have been funny in the original. IMHOTEP: Says you. CHRIS: It wouldn't have worked. Evelyn didn't have any other kids by any other husband. RICK: She better not. ALEX: (laughing) JOHN: Okay, Wolvie. Back to the funny farm. WOLVIE: (glares at Angelus, before stalking back to his babysitters) Bad ol' Mummy Vampire. (sticks his tongue out) AUTHOR: (yawns and stretches her shoulder) ROMANO: Bored yet? AUTHOR: (pulls out a small bottle of green liquid and applies it to her shoulder) LOGAN: Owah!! I can see why you wouldn't think Pepe stank! What is THAT!? AUTHOR: Special liniment. SPIKE: What's so special about it? The smell? AUTHOR: Normally, it's used on horses. (grins) CARTER: Can I have some? AUTHOR: Yeah, sure. Are the dead alive yet? ANGELUS: Some of us are. ROMANO: Very funny. What's taking so long? KOVAC: We still have the SWAT team in there. Give us a break. JOHN: Forget the SWAT team. We need the stars NOW! XANDER: I'm back. SPIKE: I'm sorry. XANDER: Funny. STEPHAN: (is over in the corner, using a hair drier) What about our doped up pilot? JARETH: He wasn't doped up when you crashed. (helping Stephan get dry) SPIKE: How come he gets to be dry and the rest of us are soaked? AUTHOR: (shrugs) Actually, you're all magically dry. In the movie, they were all dry when they walked away from the crash site. XANDER: How? SVEN: Haven't you learned to stop asking questions like that by now? The movie does stuff like that. JARETH: Stephan has to be dry so he can fly. Duh. SARAH: Oh look, the Goblin King made a funny. Wow. STEPHAN: See? There's hope for you yet. (grins) JARETH: Don't get your hopes up. LANDO: (reenters) Wow that was an adventure. I'm done. No more. ROMANO: Oh, don't be such a girl. We're not finished with the spoof yet. **There was a break taken here and during said break, "Fellowship of the Spoof" started. Which means this is where this section ends. Sorry folks, but now I have to finish typing "Peregrin" and start Fellowship before we can continue! ** During the break, Lord of the Rings has started and Peregrin has ended. Added to our set are Arwen, "El-Rond", Fra-doo, Sam, and the Grand Alf. We're working on breaking in the ones who were not in Peregrin...namely The Rond and Arwen. Which should be interesting, as Aragorn is still on morphine from Lost World. Let us continue--- SPIKE: (to Lando) Okay, now we're gonna get my son, then we're gonna wanna get out of here in a hurry, so you need to make this thing work. LANDO: (stares at the mess) "MAKE IT WORK!?!?" ARE YOU INSANE!?!? Does this thing honestly look like it'll ever fly again!? I'm surprised it flew to START with! SPIKE: So make a hot air balloon! Be creative! What do I care!? LANDO: (Flatly) And where am I supposed to find-- SPIKE: If anyone can fill that thing with hot air.....(thinks) Let ol' Xander have a whack at it. that should work out. XANDER: I am so gonna kill you, Evil Dead. SPIKE: I'm shaking in my boots. ROMANO: Excuse me, can we just get on with this?! I don't care WHAT he does with the balloon! YOU people have to go fight the other guys! Now GET GOING!!! XANDER: (snatches the scepter) Alright, I'm ready. Let's go. LANDO: That's mine. XANDER: The script says I steal it. (grins smugly) MURDOC: Stephan? STEPHAN: (changes into a flacon and flies over to Murdoc's wrist) DYLAN: WAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! SPIKE: What's her problem? DYLAN: (hugs Horus) I won't let them get you!!!! NEVER AGAIN!!!! MURDOC: Ooookaaay. (Attaches a message to Stephan's leg and lets him go) DYLAN: WAAAAHHHH!!!!!! MURDOC: (moves to follow the others) FRANK: (aims and fires a shotgun) STEPHAN: (falls out of the sky) MURDOC: STEPHAN!? CAILLEAN GREYWOLF: (suddenly charges onto the set) ACK!!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY CHARACTER!?!? (waves her hand, causing a sudden lightning bolt to strike Frank) FRANK: (falls to the floor, extra crispy) DYLAN: (hugging Horus) Oh the POOR BIRDY!!! I LOVED the BIRDY!!!! WAAAHHH!!!! NOT THE BIRDY!!! (falls to the floor in tears, hugging Horus) ARDETH: Is she suffocating Horus? CHRIS: OSCAR!! CAILLEAN: (staring at Dylan) What's with her? AUTHOR: She won an Oscar. Try to ignore her. DYLAN: (gets up, accepts her award and bows) Thank you. (wipes her eyes) ARDETH: Can I have Horus back now? AUTHOR: Oh let her hold him. You're still acting in Jurassic. MUNGO: Eh, do we bring 'im back as a bird or a 'uman? CAILLEAN: Just bring him back! ROMANO: We need Frank back, too. Sorry, Caillean. CAILLEAN: (does the Wolvie pout) JOHN: But Murdoc gets to kill him again. CAILLEAN: (brightens) Okay. (sits next to Jareth in the Peanut Gallery) How's it goin? JARETH: Same as always. Nice work. AUTHOR: Okay, back to the spoof. Murdoc? MURDOC: Right. My bird was shot down. I have to kill Frank after they bring him back. JOHN: Eh....that comes later. Now say your lines. MURDOC: I have to go now. SPIKE: Bathroom's over there. MURDOC: Don't make me kill you. BUFFY: So go. We're fine. ROMANO: I think we should recast. MURDOC: I must go and tell the commanders where we are. XANDER: The commanders have the script. JOHN: So do you, now use it! SPIKE: You can't go! MURDOC: If the Army of Anubis arises... SPIKE: I need you to help me find my son. MURDOC: Okay, let’s get the kid and go kill Frank. (smiles) The Commanders DO have scripts, after all. AUTHOR: Oy. DYLAN: KILL 'IM AGAIN!!! YEEESSS!!! (calmly pets Horus) Nice Birdie. ARDETH: She's scaring me. SPIKE: (grins at Murdoc) This is where we get to kill people. The FUN part! MURDOC: Oh yes. I love the killing part. SVEN: Yeah we knew that....eh, Aragorn? Put down the lightsaber down before you cut yourself. ARAGORN: (laughing--waves the lightsaber again, narrowly missing Legolas's head) CHRIS: Or anyone else. LEGOLAS: (snatches the lightsaber away) ARAGORN: (glares) Give it back. ARDETH: Maybe you should sober up first. Why don't we play some more cards? SVEN: How about not? AUTHOR: How about we get back to the script? JOHN: Nightfall, and they all walk through the jungle....and the long grass. ROLAND: They're back? RICK: Didn't learn from the last two spoofs, did they? ROMANO: Anyway, they walk through the clearing first and see lots of cages with dead bodies in them. FROHIKE: What's that? Left over’s from the last Raptor feeding frenzy? STEVE: (picks his teeth) Nah, there wasn't that much left. SARA: (belches) Pardon me. LECTER: Right. Look, Stormtrooper uniforms....from the old Star Wars spoofs....and dust piles in red tunics...from Musketeers. SPIKE: (to Cassi & Sven) You people get around, don't you? AUTHOR: We're consistent. (grins) SVEN: We wanted to have the ones from Dot, but the anvils cleaned them out. There wasn't anything left. DOT: (with an innocent smile) Oh darn. LECTER: (points at a few others) Where are these ones from? AUTHOR: Those are the few Med-jai we haven't brought back yet, from Cutthroat. ARDETH: Ahem? ROMANO: But we will. ARDETH: Making sure. AUTHOR: Where's Frank? FRANK: Over here. (enters, walking as far away from Caillean as he can get) CAILLEAN: (makes a face) Oh look.....he's back. JARETH: Can I kill him this time? ROMANO: No, Murdoc gets to do it this time. BOYO: Back so soon, Lock-Jaw? FRANK: Can I kill him now? ALL: No. BOYO: (follows them through the clearing of dead bodies in cages) Owah cool. FRANK: I guess the question of what did this is pretty pointless. What a sick group we work for. AUTHORS & ASSISTANTS: Thank you. (grin) BAMF 426: (in shadows) When do we get to kill them? RAPTOR 47: Wait for the signal. BAMF 201: Yeah, hold your horses. VAMPIRE 27: Why am I suddenly nervous? RAPTOR 21: I give up. We can't eat you. You're expired already. JOHN: Can we get back to the spoof? BAMF 341: Yeah, so we can kill 'em all! ANGELUS: Where were we anyway? DRU: 'Oi was looking a' the dead people. ROMANO: Okay, who's not surprised? ALL: (raise their hands.....except Donovan, who is still tied up) --We should mention that the other UC Undercover crew is on set and Cross is untied. Donovan is still tied because of his lack of a sense of humor. Therefore, there is a bet going as to the first person to make Donovan smile gets a hundred bucks. We're suspecting Pippin may have something up his sleeve, because he won't stay away from him....so now that you're all caught up,.....oh wait, Cody is back from the dead. Now, on with the spoof-- JOHN: Okay, the idiots who woke the Mummy up to start with, are on the cliff top. GLORY: No, they're not. They're in the Peanut Gallery. IMHOTEP & ARDETH: (laughing) BUFFY: Thank you. EVELYN: Very funny. SVEN: The rest of us thought so. CHRIS: Oh yeah, it was great. PIPPIN: What was? MERRY: (gives him a brain duster) ROMANO: Cliff top. Buffy, Spike, Xander and Murdoc ready their weapons. SPIKE: (looks around) You hear that? MURDOC: What? The drums? It's from backstage. PIPPIN: It's a box. **found on the beach? ^_~** SVEN: It's harmless. Leave it alone. XANDER: (pulls aside a bunch of vines) Wow! Shrunken heads! How do you suppose they do that? MURDOC: Oh it's easy. I can tell you. JONATHAN C: Really? Do tell! RICK: Jonathan, sit down! BUFFY: That's gross. SPIKE: I know how to do that. DAWN: Why doesn't THAT surprise me? DRU: We an' moi Spoike used to do i' to people. (smiles) SPIKE: Yeh, those were the days. (sighs) BUFFY: (gives him a Look) SPIKE: (clears his throat) Right. All in the past. (loads his gun) MURDOC: (watches Xander with the gun) You any good with that? XANDER: I was turned into an army guy once at Halloween. I'm good. MURDOC: (pats his shoulder) Interesting life you lead. XANDER: Tell me about it. I'd ask if you were any good with that, (points at the lightsaber) but I prefer my limbs attached. MURDOC: Wise choice. AUTHOR: Okay, skip the gun thing. I'm sure Buffy knows how to shoot. BUFFY: I won't miss. SPIKE: Yeh, that's what I'm concerned about. Just don't aim for me. BUFFY: I'll try to restrain myself. Look, there they go, through the long grass. MURDOC: One of these days, they'll eventually learn that's not good. DYLAN: DON'T GO INTO THE LONG GRASS!!!! LECTER: I do believe that's the first GOOD advice I've heard her give. DOT: Then why are you here? LECTER: In the script. CAILLEAN: That evil Frank has been back for a while. Where's Stephan? MUNGO: Do Oi look loike a ve'rinarian!? AUTHOR: Ahem. MUNGO: Roigh' away, ma'am. JOHN: So hard to find good help these days. AUTHOR: Back to the spoof. Long grass. FRANK: Does nobody ever learn from previous experiences? ANGELUS: Apparently not. Come on. Look, there's the pyramid! BOYO: Oh great, I'm gonna die. FRANK: Oh boy! Can I kill him now? Can I, huh? SVEN: Now he sounds like Fiddles. FIDDLES: Does not, does not! I sound better, yes I do! I'm much better! Fiddles is one of a kind, yes he is! **And we all say..thank God** AUTHOR: Shut up, Fiddles. FIDDLES: (insulted) Well, I never! Fine, I'll be quiet! You'll see, not one more word will come out of my mouth, not one! I'm being perfectly quiet...... ROMANO: Oy.... FIDDLES: Complete silence. You'll see. I won't speak another word, not one....(continues talking) JOHN: How much longer do you think he'll have this "complete silence"? AUTHOR: No idea. Ask Sven. SVEN: (shrugs) FIDDLES: (still talking) MURDOC: Are we ever going to get to kill people? BAMF 428: Make him be quiet. We're bored. SVEN: That is being quiet. He has to tell you how quiet he's being. AUTHOR: Can you make him shut up? FIDDLES: See? Absolute silence, not one more word will come out of my mouth, not one....(continues) --Angelus, Dru, Lecter, Frank, and 4 Vampires are playing cards with Boyo...while four raptors and six Bamfs watch--while, up on the cliff top, Murdoc and Spike are giving detailed instructions on how to shrink heads....and Fiddles is STILL talking about how quiet he's GOING to be-- ROMANO: Ever get the feeling this ain't getting very far? AUTHOR: (with her walkman on) Huh? JOHN: Is there any way we can muzzle him? SVEN: Like to see you try. CHRIS: Think he'd notice if we left? AUTHOR: I'm hungry. Let's go. PIPPIN: I'm hungry, too. SVEN: Why doesn't that surprise me? --Author, Sven, and all assistants quietly exit while Fiddles continues talking-- ONE MONTH LATER *********************** --Fiddles is finally quiet, and the rest of the cast is actually on time.-- BUFFY: Are we gonna finish this thing now? AUTHOR: Sometimes I wonder. SPIKE: And how about Star Wars? SVEN: Hiatus. ALL: AGAIN!?!? CHRIS: We are still doing Lord of the Rings. LUKE: So how come-- SVEN: Because I lost the notebook (this is true)....and the cat-- **Trust me, you don't wanna know. About the notebook, Sven lost it when we moved, and couldn't find it. She ended up starting the next two spoofs, and then decided to put Star Wars on Hiatus until she completed the next two spoofs....we have found the notebook now, and she's currently trying to type the next section, as it was over 200 pages before it went on hiatus.** HAN: Never mind. AUTHOR: Where the heck were we anyway? I was busy planning and putting together the next spoofs. GILES: I don't suppose it's too much to ask to finish this these spoofs before you start the next ones? SVEN: Yeah, it is. (hands Cassi the cast sheets to her next two spoofs) AUTHOR: (studies it) You're gonna drive that poor man insane, you know. SVEN: We have to bring him back from the dead. We'll own him. Does it matter? AUTHOR: (considers it) Nah. (hands the sheets back) Okay....(picks up the script) Where were we? RICK: Ardeth was about to get mauled by raptors. ROMANO: Wrong spoof. We're back to the Mummy one. XANDER: Oh right....where were we in that one? BOYO: When can I get this stupid thing off? (holds up the bracelet) JOHN: (matter of factly) Just before it sucks the life out of you, I'd imagine. BOYO: (flatly) Thanks. ROMANO: Don't mention it. SVEN: Okay, where were we? AUTHOR: (shrugs) I'da know. Last I heard Fiddles was talking. FIDDLES: Yes, I talk, I talk a lot. KRISSY: Fiddles....let it go. FIDDLES: (does the Wolvie pout) FRANK: I was about to kill the kid. ALL: (find their places) AUTHOR: Right, carry on. LECTER: (to Angelus) We don't need the little monster anymore. ANGELUS: We need the bracelet to open the door and the little monster's starring in Lord of the Rings. Be careful. **"Boyodoc Brandybuck...need we say more?** FRANK: (shrugs) They can always bring him back. LECTER: (to Frank) Retrieve that bracelet. FRANK: With pleasure. (grins) ROMANO: Okay, everyone stops because all has gone silent. TOADPOLE: WAAAAAHHH!!!! Magneato hit me!!!! BAD BUCKETHEAD! MADNEATO: (smacks him again) SVEN: Oh yeah, silence. PIPPIN: What silence? WOLVIE: I wanna fight too!!! (jumps on Snaggletooth and the two proceed to start beating each other up) JOHN: Oy. AUTHOR: (puts her headphones on) So much for silence. ROMANO: And the spoof gets longer. CHRIS: Not bad. They got through four whole lines that time. SVEN: (pulls out another Xanth book and starts reading) --Ardeth and Murdoc are playing with their lightsabers while Spike watches, loading Rick's guns-- Buffy and Xander are not even watching the group, but instead, are sharpening stakes-- JOHN: I can see we aren't going to get very far. WOLVIE: (holds his claws to Snaggle's throat) Give it up, sissy! SNAGGLE: Your momma! (punches him off) AUTHOR: (singing along with the Jigglypuff song) **Yes, I actually DO have it on tape** TWO DAYS LATER ****************** AUTHOR: (reenters) Are they done yet? ROMANO: That's debatable. AUTHOR: I have a headache and I'm very tired. I have never outright shot anyone, and I'm very proud of that....BUT the first person to get on my nerves, don't think I won't blow you through a wall! Any questions? ALL: (staring) AUTHOR: (picks up the Thompson) You're getting on my nerves, people! ALL: GOT IT! (look away) AUTHOR: (calmly takes her seat) Thank you. Please continue the spoof. (swallows a handful of pills) ROMANO: Are you okay? AUTHOR: Fabulous....as soon as they kick in. Continue. JOHN: Right, we were at silence. Anyone wanna argue? --Silence-- The group with Angelus stops in the middle of the long grass to look around-- DRU: (to Angelus) Wha' is i? LECTER: Something is coming. FRANK: Hopefully the end of the spoof. SVEN: For you, maybe. DYLAN: Evil bird murderer. STEPHAN: (who has been brought back) Yeah. AUTHOR: Story. (pets the Thompson) STORM: (causes a sudden wind) SPIKE & MURDOC: (dash toward the clearing, following the group, with their guns out) FRANK: (shouting at them) FAN OUT! EYES OPEN! GUNS OUT! ANGELUS: How do you know there's something out there? FRANK: It's in the script. ANGELUS: So? Since when did that matter? (shouts out) Anything out there?! BAMF 234: I don't see anything! ANGELUS: See? If something was out there, he would see it. FRANK: (rolls his eyes) Morons. --On the cliff top, Buffy and Xander cock their rifles-- XANDER: Wait...aren't we fighting mostly vampires? Why do we have rifles? AUTHOR: (to John and Romano) I was wondering how long it would take before they realized that. BUFFY: (pulls out a cross-bow) Got it covered. XANDER: (grabs another one) Right, let's go for it. BUFFY: That's supposed to be my husband and my son down there. Make me proud. XANDER: You want me to hit Spike? AUTHOR: Ahem? (aims the Thompson) XANDER: Right...check, don't hit Spike. Got it. DRU: (starting to look uneasy) ANGELUS: Don't worry, baby. They can't touch me. (holds her closer) FRANK: (yelling) Where is that stupid brat!? ANGELUS: (laughing) --All is quiet while a vampire approaches what appears to be an adorable stuffed Nightcrawler toy....I have so gotta get me one of those....Anyways, the toy comes to life, brandishes an axe, and hacks off the vampire's head. **Very violent, these toys are** --At this point, several others, partially clones, are yanked under the grass by the Raptor Squad--In the group, the vampires, and clones, and everyone else panic as Spike and Murdoc dash into the group, shooting vampires, turning them into dust-- GILES: Wait a minute... RYAN: Wooden bullets. (grins) DOT: (comes through the middle of the clearing with her tour group) And here, we have a bunch of guys shooting at each other and trying not to get eaten by adorable stuffed toys and the security team. Please do not attempt to pet the stuffed animals or security, as they will try to kill you. GROUP: Ooooohh...(snapping pictures) --In the middle of the field, Murdoc and Spike are posing for the cameras with their guns, three raptors, and about 16 Bamfs--They are all smiling widely--Off to the side, Dru and Angelus are also posing and smiling together-- LORNE: There's something you don't see every day. COSMO: Speak for yourself. We see this kind’a thing here all the time. --The Bamfs start doing a little dance in front of the camera while killing clones and vampires-- GERARD: Not really. That's a new one. IMHOTEP: At least they aren't wearing Hawaiian skirts. MALCOM: That was bizarre enough when the Compys and Raptors did it. **Jurassic** BO: This is a bit hectic. LUKE D: Just like home. (leans back) ROMANO: If you're all finished with the pictures, we need to get on with the killing. LEGOLAS: The strange things you hear doctors say. ARAGORN: (laughing with Ralph and Langly...all on morphine from Lost World) Doctor DEATH!!! RALPH: The evil doctor! Run run run!! LANGLY: (laughing) Die, Dr. Death! JOHN: We have got to slow down with the morphine. ROMANO: Oh yeah. IMHOTEP: You know it's Carter's fault Ralph is on it. ROLAND: But I have to admit....it IS funny. SVEN: After you see about twenty people on it...and one T Rex, it gets a bit old. PIPPIN: I want some, too. ALL: No WAY!! MERRY: What about-- ALL: NO! PIPPIN & MERRY: (do the Wolvie pout....they were both on it during Peregrin, and liked it) --Meanwhile, Vampires and clones are stepping on each other, trying to escape the killer security and stuffed animals. Lecter walks through the group with his brandished psychopathic grin. The Bamfs in front of him cautiously look at one another before graciously letting him pass and giving him a full escort-- RICK: Okaaay, I didn't see that one coming. SVEN: He's Hannibal "The Cannibal" Lecter. It's mutual respect. CHRIS: It'd have to be. (shivers) Creepy little dude. --Tha Bamfs have grown tired of the axes and are shooting wooden blow-darts-- BAMF 126: This is GREAT!!! Run, people RUN!!! Watch the fleeing masses!!! (laughs maniacally) GLORY: Oh, they're so adorable. IMHOTEP: That they are. BUFFY: (shooting with the cross-bow, at the vampires attacking Murdoc and Spike) That woman needs help. XANDER: (also shooting) Oh yeah. --The Vampire with the Black Book of Assassinations Weekly is dusted by a Bamf, who backs away from it when Angelus glares. Dru picks up the book, and she and Angelus continue toward the pyramid.-- FRANK: (spots Boyo cowering away from the Raptors) The time has come, you worthless little monster, to remove that bracelet. BOYO: (at the top of his lungs) DADDY!!!!! ALL: (including Bamfs and Raptors--cover their ears) SPIKE: Okay, that was Boyo. MURDOC: What!? GERARD: (uncovers his ears) Now I know how Newman felt. (shakes his head) LORNE: Ugh...I think I'm deaf. (smiles) I like that kid. GUNN: Yeah, you would. AUTHOR: Maybe when it's over, you guys can find a deserted island somewheres to play on, but right now, we need to finish the spoof. Despite popular belief, we ARE close to the end. SPIKE: Right. BOYO!? (runs toward him while Xander and Buffy . . . "plow the road") FRANK: (has chopped his way over to the boy with his lightsaber) BOYO: (struggles away and runs) DADDY SPIKE!? SPIKE: (still coming) BOYO!? (reloads his guns as Buffy & Xander shoot more vampires behind him) FRANK: (corners Boyo) Bracelet now, you lousy little brat. (swings his lightsaber) BOYO: I'll scream. FRANK: Earplugs! (the lightsaber comes down) BOYO: Daddy Spike!!! SPIKE: (rushes through, grabs Boyo and runs off) --Frank's lightsaber hits a tree, chopping it down--He glares and swings his lightsaber in fury. It comes down against Murdoc's-- MURDOC: (grins like a maniac) Now we get to fight. FRANK: So let's see what you got, assassin. --Meanwhile, Spike is running with Boyo and a couple of Bamfs are chasing him-- BOYO: Daddy Spike! Behind you! SPIKE: (turns) Owah! Evil stuffed animal!! (shoots at both Bamfs) --The Bamfs....being Bamfs...bamf out before they are hit....If you can understand that one, you're good-- Back in the Long Grass, Murdoc and Frank engage in an all-out lightsaber battle. Tha Raptors and Bamfs come to watch, as does the tour-group-- DOT: And this is a battle. Don't get too close or you might-- --She is cut off as Frank accidentally slices a nearby vampire in half with his lightsaber. Both he and Murdoc stop a moment and watch the ashes settle to the ground before they continue their fight-- VADER: Interesting....I like it. --The tour group, with Dot, step back to a safe distance and cheer on the fighters. Around them, the Bamfs are partying because there are no more vampires left in the main clearing. They suddenly realize this means they have nothing to do. They stop for a moment and shrug before joining the others to watch the lightsaber battle.-- RICK: (to Ardeth) Did that really-- ARDETH: No. JONATHAN C: I saw the fight. That didn't happen. ALEX: Right....I actually thought for a minute the Pygmies really WOULD cheer them on. CARTER: This is funny. How much longer are they gonna go? ALL: (shrug and watch) --Meanwhile, 5 Bamfs are still calmly escorting Hannibal Lecter through the jungle....while chatting merrily amongst themselves, we might add. In the long grass, Murdoc and Frank glare at each other before Murdoc brings his lightsaber in an upward swish, killing Frank-- ALL: (wild cheering) STEPHAN: Way to go, boss! MURDOC: (bows, oblivious to the vampire that has come up behind him) --A shot is heard and the vampire goes down-- XANDER: HEY! I was supposed to do that! DOT: (with her group--puts down the cross-bow) I was a Vampire Slayer once, too! MURDOC: (grins) Thank you. --Dot and Murdoc stand, posing over the dead body of Frank and the little pile of ashes while the tour group takes pictures, and everyone else cheers-- ROMANO: Okay, party's over. You have to get back to your assassin friends now. MURDOC: Lovely party, but I have to leave now. DOT: Nice working with you.....again! **Murdoc was one of the lead vampires when Dot was the Slayer** (Dot and the tour group wave as Murdoc runs off) --At the top of their rock, Buffy and Xander put their weapons away-- BUFFY: Okay, let's go. XANDER: Right. --They rush off to find Spike and Boyo--Meanwhile, the Bamfs continue with Lecter as several Vamps and clones die around them. They continue on, oblivious to all the carnage-- BUFFY & XANDER: (rush up to Spike & Boyo) BOYO: (leaps into Buffy's arms) MOMMY!!!! BUFFY: (smiles and hugs him) SPIKE: (to Xander) Nice shootin'. XANDER: Thanks. Now what were those creepy little stuffed toys? SPIKE: Oh, local natives. Nothing big. XANDER: Oh yeah? I saw them in Jedi and they seemed big then! SPIKE: It's nothing...really! We're supposed to live. ALL: Since when did that matter?! SVEN: You've died once in this spoof already, and Xander's died twice. SPIKE: Right. Never mind then. BOYO: Come on, Mommy! Come on, Daddy! We have to get to the Pyramid! I have to get the bracelet off NOW! XANDER: Oh, leave it on! It looks good on you! BOYO: No, you don't understand! The vampire mummy told me the bracelet will kill me if I don't get to the pyramid before the sun hits it....TODAY! BUFFY: Do we believe Angelus? SPIKE: I wouldn't. XANDER: How about the script and the Authors, who say the same thing? SPIKE: Good point. BUFFY: This sucks. --They are interrupted when the Bamfs start charging through the long grass toward them-- SPIKE: (pulls a gun out) Time to go! (grabs Boyo and Buffy and runs) XANDER: (takes off after them, but gets separated and ends up running with a vampire) --The Bamfs behind them are swinging from vines, doing the Tarzan yell--Two of them suddenly smack into trees, and fall to the ground-- SCOTT: Wow, who trained them? Jimmy? SVEN: James good teacher. BUFFY: (running with Boyo and Spike) Where's Xander? SPIKE: How should I know?! (shoots at two more bamfs, who, naturally, bamf away before they can be shot) --Meanwhile, Xander and the vampire continue running-- XANDER: (to the vamp) Look! There's a burial ground! See those sacred stones? They'll never cross over them! VAMPIRE 59: Are you sure? XANDER: Yes! BAMF 240: (sees them, leaps over the stones and stakes the vampire) XANDER: (innocently) Sorry, my mistake! BAMF 240: Ahem? (holds out his hand) XANDER: (slips the Bamf a 20) Right. Thanks man. (turns and runs) BAMF 240: (waves) Bye! --Spike, Buffy and Boyo run across a log bridge--The Bamfs do not follow, and move aside as Xander rushes across it. Just as Xander clears the bridge, it blows up. Spike, Xander, Buffy, and Boyo hit the dirt-- BOYO: Owah! RYAN: Thank you. (grins) RICK: Wondered why those things weren't crossing. BAMF 14: We're not stupid. BUFFY: Ehh...Spike? SPIKE: Yeh? BUFFY: (points at the horizon) Sun? SPIKE: I'm fine. Remember? XANDER: (gives Spike a brain duster) Your KID! Remember?! BOYO: Daddy Spike doesn't LOVE me!!!! SPIKE: (rolls his eyes, picks up Boyo and runs) --As we've learned, in Egypt, the sun rises insanely fast. How, we do not know, but the shadow chases Spike all the way up to the Pyramid, which really should be impossible as the sun CAN'T move that fast......except in Egypt, I guess.-- SPIKE: (slides down the wall inside the pyramid) I am NEVER doing this role again. AUTHOR: (chokes on her drink) SPIKE: What? AUTHOR: Never mind. SPIKE: Tell me there's not a third one. SVEN: Well, there is, but it's about the Scorpion King, and we're not doing it. **Sorry people. We hate the Rock.** SPIKE: (sighs, relieved) --Author decides not to mention Spike will star in the “The Mummy” spoof of our dear friends, the Evil Trio of Insane Dragon Studios. ^_^ Luv ya, Becca! Some things are best left unsaid.--Anyway, the Bracelet on Boyo's wrist opens and Boyo throws it across the room-- BOYO: Never again. SPIKE: You said it. --Outside, Buffy and Xander run into the clearing, panting-- BUFFY: They made it. XANDER: (panting and coughing) Of course they did. Spike doesn't need to breath. (passes out) DRU: (comes up behind Buffy while she's watching Xander, and stabs her) BUFFY: (falls to her knees) SPIKE: (sees her go down) NOOOOO!!!!! (runs out of the pyramid to Buffy's side) XANDER: (still on the ground) BUFFY: (gasping) Why wasn't that in my script!? DRU: (waves as she and Angelus head inside the pyramid with the book) SVEN: I think it's pretty obvious why it wasn't in her script. BOYO: (glares, runs over and kicks Dru in the shin before joining Spike) ANGELUS: (laughing as he and Dru disappear into the pyramid) XANDER: (finally sits up) Wha...Buffy? SPIKE: (grabs Xander by his shirt) WHERE WERE YOU!?!?!? XANDER: I passed out! It wasn't MY fault! BOYO: (kneeling over Buffy) Mommy? Are you gonna die? SPIKE: (still beating up Xander) BOYO: Mommy, what do we do? BUFFY: (gasping) Hello!!! People! I'm dying here! Can you fight later!? BOYO: Mommy? SPIKE: (pushes Xander away) What do I do, Slayer? BUFFY: (glares) Go kill that B**** for me! SPIKE: You want me to kill DRU!?!? NOW!? BUFFY: You offered to do it before. SPIKE: (shrugs) Yeh, okay. Anything else? BUFFY: (flatly) Yeah, cheeseburger, large fries and a coke. (falls back, dead) SVEN: Do you want an apple turnover with that? SPIKE: Buffy? Luv? (shakes her) Come on, Slayer, not NOW!!! XANDER: That was different. BOYO: Yeah, she didn't say what she wanted on her cheeseburger. SPIKE: (in shock) NO! BUFFY, COME BACK!!!! (loud racking sobs) YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!! XANDER & BOYO: (look at each other for a moment, shrug, then look back at Spike) SPIKE: COME BAAAACK!!!!! (shakes her again) AUTHOR: Um....Spike? You have to go after Angelus now. SPIKE: (looks up) No, I'm going to kill Dru. (wipes his face and stomps off toward the pyramid) Buffy wanted me to kill Dru. XANDER: (to Boyo) Daddy's gone bye-bye. BOYO: So now what? XANDER: Looks like Spike won an Oscar. AUTHOR: I'll say......but he was too mad to even take a bow. ROMANO: (shrugs) Meanwhile, inside the pyramid, Lecter puts the bracelet on his wrist. LECTER: (picks up the Bracelet, places it on his left wrist, and walks away) --Meanwhile, elsewhere in the pyramid, Angelus and Dru descend the staircase. At the bottom, Angelus suddenly falls to the floor-- DRU: Ah you alroigh', moi Angel? ANGELUS: (tries to use his Mummy powers, but fails) Hey! What's the deal?! Where's my powers? IMHOTEP: You have to face him without them. ANGELUS: Now who's the fathead that came up with that stupid rule? IMHOTEP: (shrugs) COSMO: What a rip-off, man. GLORY: Completely. OUTSIDE ********* --Xander and Boyo are still watching the entrance Spike had used earlier-- BOYO: Think he'll kill her? XANDER: Hard to say. It IS Dru. INSIDE ********** --Hannibal Lecter has found the room with the big Scorpion lock in it-- LECTER: (studies the lock) And you want me to stick my HAND in there? SVEN: (shrugs) What have you got to lose? RICK: His hand? ARAGORN: (laughing) Need a hand? --He, Langly and Ralph find this incredibly funny-- LECTER: (frowns at them for a moment then sticks his hand, with the Bracelet on it, into the lock) --As if by magic, the whole place lights up and looks like new-- SPIKE: (studies the burning torches on the walls) Neat trick! OUTSIDE ************ --Xander and Boyo see a Scorpion shaped cloud rush to the top of the pyramid and disappear-- XANDER: Okay, that looked bad. BOYO: Now what? ROMANO: Now we go to the Sarah Dessert, where Murdoc and his monster army ride up and see the same cloud, which settles into black sand. DYLAN: BEWARE THE EVIL MARTIAN PIGS!!!! MURDOC: (from his horse) The WHAT!? LANGLY: Don't eat the pig!!! ARAGORN & RALPH: Martian pigs!! Martian pigs!!! JOHN: (staring) Martian Trayf? SVEN: Interesting concept. MURDOC: Please tell me we aren't fighting Martian pigs. AUTHOR: Not that I know of. No, we got the real ones. ARDETH: You WHAT!? ROMANO: Well, THINK about it! We really don't have anything else that can play them! JOHN: Anyway, subject of Martian pigs aside, back to the Dessert. MURDOC: (eyes the sand) I'm panicking. ASSASSIN 408: Shouldn't do that. ASSASSIN 47: Yeah, you're supposed to give us confidence. ASSASSIN 356: What kind of a leader are you? ASSASSIN 289: We're gonna die. ROMANO: Eh....okay, back to Xander and Boyo....will you two put those CARDS away!? AUTHOR: You have to bring Buffy back! XANDER: I thought the meds did that. EVELYN: (marches up, and gives him a brain duster) With the BOOK, idiot! XANDER: But Dru has the Book, and Spike's supposed to kill her. SVEN: Technically, YOU'RE supposed to fight her. BOYO: Oh well. If she's going to be dead, it should make the Book easier to steal! Come on, Uncle Xander! Get Mommy. AUTHOR: Go with them, Evelyn. They need someone to point the way to the temple where the Scorpion Colossus is, and they don't read the language. EVELYN: And the Book, too, I'd imagine. ROMANO: Nah, the Book's in English. That's the easy part. They just need someone to get them to the Book. EVELYN: (sighs and follows them) INSIDE THE PYRAMID ********************* --Spike steps into the room where Lecter cannot get his hand out of the lock-- SPIKE: Having trouble? LECTER: (sighs) Something tells me this is why it was supposed to be on this wrist. AUTHOR: Lecter, script. LECTER: Of course. (looks at Spike) You're too late, vampire. I have already released the Army of Anubis. Lord Angelus shall soon kill the Scorpion Colossus and take command. LOGAN: Really? Does Colossus know this? SVEN: He should if he read the script. SPIKE: (selects a nice axe from the wall) We'll see about that. Have you seen Dru? LECTER: Not since the jungle. Heard what happened, though. SPIKE: (takes a practice swing) Word travels fast. LECTER: Small place. You pick up news by osmosis. SPIKE: Good point. --Suddenly, Hannibal's hand is jerked from inside the lock and he pulls his arm out of it.--His hand is missing at the wrist, and, oddly, there is no blood.-- LECTER: (looks at the missing hand) Oh wonderful. Now I suppose I'll have to get another one. SPIKE: Wow, no blood. LECTER: Not with this hand, no. LUKE: (frowns) You too? SVEN: Yeah, he cut it off himself. **unfortunately, we had to go by the movie and not the book. Although, we DO know that the book was better ("Hannibal")** SPIKE: (stares at him) You're a weird one. LECTER: (raises his eyebrow) I had my reasons. (silently walks over to medlab) SPIKE: (frowns at the EvilAuthors) AUTHOR: It was a woman. MURDOC: If I wasn't about to be pounded by soldiers, I'd agree with the irony. ARDETH: Shut up and watch the soldiers. LANGLY: (with a drunken smile) Evil Martian pigs! Oh my! RALPH & ARAGORN: (continue repeating this phrase as if in a very warped version of "The Wizard of Oz") SVEN: You had to bring that up, didn't you, Dylan? DYLAN: (shrugs with an innocent grin) AUTHOR: Anyway, Angelus and Dru have a scene and you two better make this look good. ANGELUS: Well, I would, but ol' Spikey just killed her. SPIKE: (glares at Angelus) AUTHOR: No!!! Bad vampire! She wasn't supposed to die yet! SPIKE: She killed Buffy. ROMANO: Yes, and Boyo is going to bring her back, so what's your point? SPIKE: Buffy told me to kill her. JOHN: (sighs and swallows a couple of pills) Why don't you have a nice cigarette backstage and Angelus can go see the Scorpion Colossus' Chamber.......eh...where we can see the Jawas and the Warners have set up a nice souvenir stand. ANGELUS: How quaint. Look! They have T-shirts of the Mart-- AUTHOR: It is so important that you not finish that sentence. FIDDLES: (singing) Martian Pigs! Martian Pigs! Beware the attack of the Evil Martian Pigs!!! MALCOM: God help us. ANGELUS: (is buying a T-shirt that reads, "I came to kill the Scorpion King. I rule!") RICK: I so don't wanna know. IMHOTEP: I want one. AUTHOR: (snatches a pack of MnM's off a Jawa snack cart, just as Dot comes through with her tour group) DOT: And here is the lair of the Scorpion Colossus. If you be quiet, you can all watch two vampires get their butts kicked! --Several Jawas and Merry and Pippin carry their cameras in and descend on the souvenir shop, buying T-shirts, and other mementos, while taking pictures of everything-- AUTHOR: (jumps up, snatches several postcards from the stand, then returns to her seat) ROMANO & JOHN: (stare at her) AUTHOR: What? I have an incurable postcard addiction, and I don't have any from here. SVEN: I wonder why. AUTHOR: Save me a T-shirt, too, okay boys? JAWA: Dink-dink! SPIKE: (to Cassi) Seek help. ANGELUS: Awww, come on, Spikey. Don't you want a T-shirt? (puts his on) ROMANO: Okay, elsewhere in the pyramid, Xander, Boyo, and Evelyn make their way toward the Scorpion Colossus' Chamber. XANDER: Which way do we go? EVELYN: (reading the wall) Who wrote, "Glory loves Imhotep" here? GLORY: You even have to ask? (smiles at her husband) BOYO: (rolls his eyes) Okay, now which way do we go? EVELYN: This way. (turns right) There's another sign pointing the other way that says, "Shortcut to the Scorpion King." BOYO: Why can't we take the shortcut? XANDER: Because Glory starred in "James of the Jungle." Didn't you learn anything? BOYO: Right. (to Evelyn) Lead away. IMHOTEP: It was worth a try. RUFIO: Would have been funnier if they'd actually gone that way. AUTHOR: Meanwhile, in the Dessert, Murdoc meets the Anubis Soldiers. MURDOC & THE ASSASSINS: (stare in shock) MURDOC: This is insane through all logic! What ARE those things?! ROMANO: I believe we've already covered that. They're Anubis Soldiers. You have to cut their heads off to kill them. JOHN: Thus explaining why you all have lightsabers. ASSASSIN 589: We're gonna die. ASSASSIN 27: Murdoc? Can we go now? ASSASSIN 364: I say we forget this nonsense and go back to killing people for a living. AUTHOR: Oh, quit being a bunch of babies. They're outnumbered by you, 5 to 1. MURDOC: (relaxes slightly) Oh right. No problem then. ASSASSIN 600: Got it. Let's take these dogs to the pound. ROMANO: (shakes his head) Anyway, Boyo and Xander find the Book, right where Dru dropped it and of course they can see a nice little pile of ashes. BOYO: See? I told you. Piece of cake. Put mommy down here. JOHN: Evelyn, you're done. Go sit down.. EVELYN: (to Rick) These people are insane. RICK: You're just now discovering this? AUTHOR: Okay, back to Spike. COLOSSUS' CHAMBER *********************** --Spike comes down the hall with a set glare on his face and carrying a big axe. Angelus is banging on a gong, obviously trying to wake up Colossus.....and of course still wearing his T-shirt. The souvenir stand has been moved out of the Chamber....for obvious reasons, as we do not wish to harm the merchandise-- ANGELUS: (continues banging on the gong, oblivious to Spike) SPIKE: (leaps over a large crack with a growl, and approaches Angelus, glaring) --Before Angelus can acknowledge Spike, a small earthquake rocks the place....courtesy of Lance.-- And a loud roar fills the air-- SVEN: Nice one. FIDDLES: Oh thank you. I love to roar, yes I do! SPIKE: (nearly falls into the crack, but regains his balance) --Spike then swings the axe at Angelus, who blocks is with the stick he was using to ring the gong--Both weapons go flying and the battle becomes a fist fight, as Spike punches Angelus in the face-- ANGELUS: (wipes blood off his mouth) You going to kill me, Spikey? So then you can kill Colossus and rule the world yourself? (shakes his head) You honestly think I'll let you do that? (tenses into a fighting stance) --Meanwhile, in the Sarah Dessert, Murdoc rides in front of the men with his lightsaber ignited, and takes his place at the head of the Assassin Army--The Anubis Army groups itself forward, its leader in the front.---Inside the temple, Spike and Angelus break into an all out fist fight, with touches of kickboxing thrown into it.---In the Dessert, Murdoc gives a battle cry, and the Assassins all ignite their lightsabers, holding them high. The Anubis leader also gives a battle and the soldier wave their weapons threateningly. Why they waste all this time, we don't know, but had they attacked sooner, it wouldn't have been timed right and Ardeth would have died...so we can't really complain.---Inside the temple, Angelus grabs Spike by the throat and throws him into a statue of a scorpion-- ELSEWHERE INSIDE THE PYRAMID ******************************** BOYO: (reading from the Book of Assassinations Weekly) "The latest thing from the Puppet Master. Let dolls do you dirty work for you.--" (he breaks off as Dru returns to life) Ooops. XANDER: Boyo! How could you!? BOYO: Well, it's not MY fault the Book brought back the wrong one!! DRU: (looks around and instantly attacks Xander) XANDER: (fighting her off) Well, don't just sit there! Keep reading! BOYO: (continues reading about the adorable puppets) SARAH DESSERT ********************** --Murdoc gives the order to charge and the Assassins rush forward. The Anubis leader also gives the order to charge and their army rushes forward. Both armies meet each other and start fighting.....well you didn't expect them to have a nice tea party, did you? Hello...-- INSIDE ************* --Xander and Dru are still fighting, and Dru pulls out a pair of those cute ninja weapons, advancing on Xander-- XANDER: Today would be good, Boyo! BOYO: (still reading) **Funny, how it only took reading one line to wake up Imhotep in the first one.** --In the temple area, Angelus once again sends Spike flying. Spike manages to land on his feet, comes back and punches Angelus.--With the three battles going on at once, nobody is sure who to cheer on as they watch in silence.-- SARAH DESSERT ******************* --Murdoc and the Assassins are having a very unfair fight, completely slaughtering the jackal guys.-- DYLAN: Who let the dogs out? Who? Who? Who? BITES & HARLEY: (join her with the barking parts) ALL: (including the Anubis Soldiers--stare at her) DYLAN: What? What are you looking at? GET BACK TO WORK! MURDOC: (shrugs and they resume the battle) SCORPION COLOSSUS' CHAMBER **************************** --Angelus and Spike have given up fist fighting and switched to axe-fighting. Angelus kicks Spike against a vat of burning liquid, knocking it over-- SPIKE: Hey! What are you trying to do?! KILL ME!? ANGELUS: Well, now that you mention it....YES! YAKKO: Duhhhh. SARAH DESSERT ******************** MURDOC: (riding across the dessert, hacking off heads left and right....the soldier's heads) This is great! Good old fashioned violence! ARDETH: Watch your head! MURDOC: (ducks and jumps to the ground to avoid losing his own head) Hey! WATCH IT! (flips off the Anubis Soldier before he kills it) SVEN: Now that was something you don't expect of a Med-jai. INSIDE THE PYRAMID ********************* --Boyo is still reading about the adorable little puppets...**So I liked them! Esp. Blade, he was just adorable! What? Stop looking at me that way!** BOYO: Uncle Xander, what does D-I-S-E-M-B-O-W-E-L-E-D spell? XANDER: (fighting Dru off) Could you repeat that? DRU: Disemboweled. Oi loike tha' word. BOYO: Right. Thanks! (reading) "And Tunneler leaves his victims disemboweled." BUFFY: (sits up) You are a strange child. BOYO: (grins) Can I have a puppet, Mommy? BUFFY: Ehhh....no. --Meanwhile, Spike and Angelus are still going, both an even match, not slowing down until a VERY loud roar stops them in their tracks-- SPIKE & ANGELUS: We're gonna die. SARAH DESSERT ***************** --Sand is flying everywhere as the Assassins appear to be winning, most of them no longer on horses, and very few of them dead-- RICK: Great invention, those lightsabers. ARDETH: I know...I like them. RICK: I want one. AUTHOR: Okay. Luke, get Rick one. LUKE: (rolls his eyes) Figures. ALEX: Can I-- EVELYN: No. ALEX: (does the Wolvie pout) No fair. PYRAMID ************* DRU: (slashes Xander across the chest, and comes forward to deliver the final blow when Buffy grabs her arm, stopping her) BUFFY: Why don't you pick on someone your own size? XANDER: Try not to embarrass me, sis. BUFFY: Mind your own business. Now you and Boyo go find Spike. BOYO: But Mommy-- BUFFY: No buts. (pulls out a set of ninja weapons) I'll be just fine. BOYO & XANDER: (shrug and walk out) BOYO: Mommy didn't say thank you. XANDER: Mommy has a lot on her mind. Let's go find Spike. SCORPION COLOSSUS' CHAMBER ***************************** --Angelus and Spike stand, staring, as a set of double doors open up. Both vampires stare in shock as Colossus suddenly steps forward. He is still himself from the shoulders up. Below that, he has become a giant scorpion-- AGENT J: Owah...Déjà vu. Giant bug. SPIKE & ANGELUS: (back away) SPIKE: That wasn't in the script. ANGELUS: I take it back, Spikey. YOU kill him. COLOSSUS: (eyes them as if not sure who to kill first) SPIKE: (backs away, still holding his weapons) ANGELUS: (turns, trying to get away) COLOSSUS: (quickly corners Angelus) ANGELUS: (throws his weapons away and kneels) Wait! I am your servant! (bows his head, pitifully) COLOSSUS: (gives him a 'yeah right' look and points at Angelus' T-shirt) What time yesterday do you think I was born? ANGELUS: This says Scorpion KING! You're the Scorpion COLOSSUS! (points at Spike) But HE came to kill you. COLOSSUS: (looks over at Spike, who backs away with his weapons) --Colossus charges Spike, who tries to fight back, but really--what can you do against a giant scorpion, who's actually made of metal?--Anyway, Colossus dumps over another burning vat of liquid and Spike, once again, has to jump out of the way-- SPIKE: Bloody hell! What IS it with you people and this burning stuff!? I could have combusted!! ANGELUS: (snickering softly as he hunts his weapons down) SPIKE: Look! He lied! He's going to try and kill you! COLOSSUS: (still advancing Spike) --Back with Buffy and Dru--The two women are circling each other with their weapons ready-- BUFFY: We knew each other before, and we're not reincarnated anything! DRU: (lunges forward and they break out into a war) BUFFY: You DO know Spike and Angelus are in trouble, don't you? DRU: (still attacking) BUFFY: (hits her in the face) DRU: (throws her weapon, once again hitting the statue in the groin) BUFFY: You know? You and Byers should talk more! **Musketeers** BYERS: No thanks. She's not my type. LANGLY: Says the man who tried to take over the world. **Phantom** MULDER: I stopped him, didn't I? FIDDLES: But Harley and I were better, yes we were! MULDER: Ah, shut up. RUFIO: Yes, you’re Walking Ghostliness. ROMANO: Excuse me! That spoof is over! We're at now, now! DYLAN: What happened to then? AUTHOR: We past it. DYLAN: When? AUTHOR: Just now. We're at now, now. DYLAN: When will then be now? AUTHOR: Soon. COSMO: Okay, who's confused about now? ALL: (raise their hands) ROMANO: We don't care about then! We're at now, so forget then and work with now! Now get back to the spoof! BUFFY: Um...somewhere between then and now I forgot my lines. AUTHOR: Dru runs down the hall. DRU: Oi do? JOHN: NOW! Back to the bug-fest and Hannibal Lecter. DRU: (runs off with Buffy in hot pursuit) SPIKE: (comes running out, passes by Lecter, who still lacks his hand, and keeps running) COLOSSUS: (runs after him and notices Lecter) --Lecter gives him that insane "Hannibal" look that would make Imhotep back off, and Colossus backs away slowly-- COLOSSUS: Um..I don't suppose you know which way the vampire went. LECTER: (points) That way. COLOSSUS: Thanks. (cautiously steps around Lecter before continuing his chase) RICK: Well, that was different. CARTER: Intimidation. Some guys got it, and some guys don't. RICK: (moves away from Carter) Right. SARAH DESSERT ******************* MURDOC: (finally kills the last of the Anubis Warriors) --The Assassins break into loud cheering-- ASSASSIN 489: We kicked BUTT! ASSASSIN 153: Who let the dogs out? HARLEY, BITES & FIDDLES: (do the barking parts) MURDOC: Didn't that seem a little too easy? ASSASSIN 533: I have a bad feeling about this. --He is beaten to death by his peers-- ASSASSIN 859: Now he's done it! We're all gonna DIE!!! ARDETH: (is staring at them in shock) ASSASSIN 204: I wanna go home now. MURDOC: (runs through the men to the top of the nearby dune) --Several others follow him and they all stare, open mouthed, in sheer horror--In the distance, they see a monster army of Anubis soldiers, charging toward them. It is now the Assassins who are outnumbered, five to one-- ASSASSIN 437: Eh? Murdoc? What do we do now? ASSASSIN 859: What did I say? We're all gonna die. --Murdoc and the Assassins involuntarily back up a few feet-- INSIDE THE PYRAMID *********************** SPIKE: (pauses in his running to look at a few pictures on the wall) Wow, Jawas! --The picture is of 25 Jawas in a kick line, wearing pink tutus.-- RICK: I don't remember that. IMHOTEP: (innocently looks at the ceiling) ARDETH: (to Imhotep) You are a sick man. IMHOTEP: ME!? YOU are the one who is the friend of that psycho doctor! CARTER: I am NOT a psycho! DONOVAN: Says the man who killed the entire med team. CARTER: It was temporary insanity.....besides, you have no room to talk. You killed all your own men! **Jurassic Spoof has now ended, and Donovan is now untied** DONOVAN: You also held yourself hostage. CARTER: Ah, we should have left you tied to a chair. ROMANO: Can we get on with this? Spike, the OTHER wall! SPIKE: (turns to see the picture of the man with the tattoo mark on his wrist) --We note that, carved into the wall above the series of pictures of the man with the scepter, is a sign that reads, "Killing the Scorpion King for Dummies."-- IMHOTEP: (incoherent laughter) RICK: (shakes his head in disbelief) I don't believe this. SPIKE: Funny...very funny. Are you implying that I'm a dummy? WAGNER: If zhe shoe fits, vear it. ARDETH: Perhaps they're implying that O'Connell is a dummy. ROMANO: I don't care who's a dummy. Spike learns the gold stick is a spear. SPIKE: It is?! Wow. AUTHOR: I so need a nap. JOHN: Meanwhile, Xander and Boyo come running in. BOYO: Daddy? SPIKE: (runs out to meet them) Xander! It's a spear! The gold stick! It's a SPEAR! XANDER: (eyes the stick) Doesn't look like one! SPIKE: Well DUH! It opens up INTO one! XANDER: Listen Evil Dead, if you don't shut up--I...um I--(stares as Colossus charges in) XANDER & BOYO: (scream) ALL: (cover their ears) COLOSSUS: (holding his own ears) Can someone shut that kid UP!? The entire set's going to be DEAF! YAKKO: Does that include the Martian pigs? FIDDLES: (dancing around) Martian pigs, Martian pigs! The evil Martian pigs have come! ROMANO: Oh not again! (to Dylan) This is all your fault. DYLAN: Is not! I only brought them up once! They're the ones who keep mentioning them! JOHN: Would you people just forget the Martian pigs?! There are NO Martian pigs on set! Now continue the spoof! COLOSSUS: What Martian pigs? AUTHOR: (growls) Just go back out to the dessert. SARAH DESSERT ******************** --Murdoc and the Assassins are still staring in horror, as the warriors get closer-- MURDOC: RUN!!! ARDETH: (buries his face in his hands, groaning) --Murdoc and the Assassins look like they're ready to bolt-- ROMANO: Jareth? JARETH: (freezes them into place) AUTHOR: Thank you. ASSASSIN 869: Oh, we're gonna die, we're gonna die.. MURDOC: This is not fair! This isn't a battle, it's SUICIDE!! ARDETH: (is still groaning) RICK: (pats his back) Cheer up, buddy. We know you didn't really act like that. ARDETH: (glares at Murdoc, looking disgusted) AUTHOR: Um..okay, back inside. Buffy chases Dru and they come into the room just as Colossus sends Spike airborne...again. COLOSSUSUS: Go, Big me, GO!!!! SPIKE: (lands flat on his back) BUFFY: Spike! SPIKE: Buffy? (sits up) --Spike is now nearly castrated as Colossus brings one huge pincer down between Spike's legs-- SPIKE: Hey! Watch it! That's cutting it a little TOO close! DRU: (attacks Buffy again and the two are once again fighting) --Xander and Boyo are still trying to figure out how the spear opens up-- ANGELUS: (runs in) Hey! The stick-spear! Gimme! BUFFY: (still fighting Dru) Xander, quick! KILL that thing! BOYO: It would help if we knew how to open it first, Mommy. MURDOC: (in the dessert, still frozen in place) I'm gonna die I'm gonna die I'm gonna die.... ARDETH: (being held down by Rick, Carter, Imhotep, Glory and Ryan) I'm gonna kill him I'm gonna kill him I'm gonna kill him.... --Inside, Xander and Boyo finally succeed in opening the spear, which turns out to be a lightsaber-- XANDER: Cool! JONATHAN: I don't remember that. RICK: (still hanging onto Ardeth) Well, how ELSE would you kill a guy made of metal!? JONATHAN: Good point. BUFFY: (still fighting Dru) Xander, throw it! It's the only way to kill him! XANDER: Da-uh! Stand back, Boyo. I don't wanna miss. (throws the spear) ANGELUS: (snatches it out of midair, nearly cutting his fingers off in the process) OW! Does this REALLY have to be a lightsaber!? AUTHOR: Yes, now throw it. ANGELUS: Right. Now I shall rule the world! (throws it) SPIKE: (who has just dumped burning liquid on Colossus) There! How do YOU like it!? BUFFY: Spike! SPEAR! NOW! SPIKE: Owah! (dives for the spear, not only knocking it out of the way, but actually cutting his own hand off in the process) BLODDY HELL!!!! WHO'S THE-- (insert very bad words here) WHO MADE THIS--(more bad words)--THING A LIGHTSABER!?!?! ANGELUS: Hey no FAIR! COLOSSUS: Wow, you saved my LIFE! SPIKE: I HATE this part!! (clutching his wrist) ALL: (except Murdoc and the Assassins, who are about to be pulverized--stare at him) COLOSSUS: (picks Spike up) You saved my life!!! What a NICE little vampire! RICK: Huh? IMHOTEP: (staring) Wha? SPIKE: Ehhh, okay. Whatever. Just put me down. COLOSSUS: (puts him down) BUFFY: So now what? SPIKE: (shrugs and stabs Colossus with the lightsaber) Now I shall rule the world! --All are staring at Spike, openmouthed--Ardeth has forgotten his quarrel with Murdoc and is eyeing Spike, as is Rick-- SPIKE: Kidding! AUTHOR: (growls) --Murdoc and the Assassins close their eyes and brace themselves, as they still can't move-- SPIKE: Send those friends of your to hell and report to medlab! COLOSSUS & ANGELUS: NO FAIR!!!! COLOSSUS: (stomps toward medlab, but before he reaches the door, he falls over, dead) --Outside, the Army is inches away when it is suddenly blown into dust-- MURDOC: (stares in stunned shock) ASSASSINS: (are completely speechless) JARETH: (releases them) --They all pass out, Murdoc included-- MACGYVER: Wow. PETE: I never thought I would see the day. --Outside the pyramid, a loud cry of anguish is heard, and a huge cloud with a cute kewpie-doll face appears screaming-- SVEN: Dot, you have got to stop doing that. It's very disturbing. DOT: I won't do it again.....(quietly) in this spoof. --Her tour group laughs and takes pictures.--Inside, the chamber is rocked by earthquakes and lots of things falling from the ceiling......rocks, light-fixtures, anvils....don't ask how they got there. We're not sure.--Xander is protecting Boyo--Spike and Angelus appear, hanging onto the edge of the large crack that seems to lead to...um..hell, I guess. Anyway, lots of dead guys are trying to pull them down and they are having a hard time trying to climb back up.....mainly because Spike is still missing his left hand and Angelus' right hand is badly cut open-- BUFFY: (watching the rocks fall, looks at Spike) SPIKE: NO! Buffy, STAY BACK! DRU: (watching Angelus, worried) ANGELUS: GET OUT OF HERE! BOTH OF YOU! STAY BACK!!! --Now as we all know, those words, in spoof language, mean, "follow me" or "come after me", because no one ever listens to them anyway. So, Buffy and Dru, like all the others who have been told these words, look at each other before charging out after the two vampires...go figure. Anyway, they dodge around all the falling things....bunch of rocks...an anvil....an elephant..... two cows....-- EVELYN: Where is all that coming from? ROMANO: You really want to know? --They watch as Dru is just missed by a piano-- RICK: Um...I vote for no. ALEX: I'm not asking. --Buffy and Dru land in front of the two vampires at the same time, both of them grabbing and pulling the two up--They hesitate a brief second before a couch nearly lands on them, then they run over to meet up with Xander and Boyo-- XANDER: I gotta admit, this is pretty weird. SPIKE: Let's get out of this place before we get hit with something ELSE! --When they reach the door, it seems like the whole Oasis is being sucked inside--They watch as a car goes by...followed by a house....and some green-faced lady riding on a bicycle that suddenly becomes a broomstick-- XANDER: Okay....um, where's the Yellow Brick Road? SPIKE: (pushes him up a set of stairs) UP!! GO! --The Peanut Gallery is busy staring at the many things going by--The stars push their way outside, then climb up the outside of the pyramid, heading for the top--When they reach the top, they see that the pyramid is sinking into the sand-- BUFFY: Is this a good time to mention that I have a fear of being buried alive? SPIKE: (sarcastically) I wonder where THAT came from? XANDER: Could never imagine. BOYO: We're trapped, we're gonna DIE!!! ANGELUS: (to Spike) This is YOUR fault! SPIKE: MINE!? ANGELUS: If you hadn't killed him, we wouldn't be IN this mess! SPIKE: I HAD to kill him! It was in the bloody script! --Suddenly, behind them, they hear a ship--The Lady Luck flies down low-- LANDO: Need a lift? XANDER: Guess the balloon was a goner, huh? SPIKE: Shut up and get in. (picks up Boyo and tosses him in, then turns to help Buffy up, who, in turn helps Spike in, then both turn to help Angelus and Dru) XANDER: (turns at the last minute to see the diamond) Is that real? BUFFY: It's not worth your life, Xander! (pulls on his arm, as the pyramid is quickly sinking) XANDER: Yes it IS! (grabs the diamond) SPIKE & BUFFY: (yank him into the ship, then fall to the floor, exhausted) LANDO: (closes the door) --The sand swallows the pyramid and the Oasis and gives a very loud belch-- RICK: (shakes his head) Strange place. LANDO: And we're alive!!......eh...most of us. SPIKE: (still laying on the floor) LANDO: Spike, you got me killed! SPIKE: At least you didn't get shot....more than once. BUFFY: (runs up to Lando, and kisses him) Oh thank you!!! Thank you!!! BOYO: (makes a face) LANDO: So Spike, what have you been up to? SPIKE: Oh, the usual....Mummies....evil stuffed animals....really big..um...metal bugs.. ANGELUS: Nothing out of the ordinary. XANDER: What about him? (points down where Murdoc and his men are laying, passed out on the sand) SPIKE: I guess we did better than they did. Can I have my hand back now? AUTHOR: Yeah, sure. (snaps her fingers) SPIKE: (flexes his fingers) Thanks. (looks at Buffy) I thought I lost you...again. BUFFY: Yeah, I never was very good at staying dead. (kisses him) BOYO & XANDER: (make faces) Oh please. LANDO: (to Xander) That's half mine, you know. XANDER: What are you talking about? LANDO: You took my gold stick thing! XANDER: Oh you didn't even know what it was! LANDO: Neither did you! --The two proceed to start beating each other up-- SVEN: Should we tell them that the diamond AND the stick thing are both Jonathan's? AUTHOR: (steps in, snatches the diamond from where Xander set it down, and steps out, handing it to Jonathan Carnahan) Nah, let em fight. ANGELUS & DRU: (ignore the fight and start kissing) THE END......................NOT!!! ************************ ARDETH: (charges into the dessert and up to Murdoc, who seems to have recovered) You made me look like an idiot! MURDOC: Well, it IS a spoof! (backs away) ARDETH: (glares at him) MURDOC: Ryan, he doesn't look friendly. ARDETH: (before Ryan can interrupt--stabs Murdoc in the chest with his scimitar) BAD MED-JAI!! MURDOC: (falls to the ground) ALL: (staring) ARDETH: (watching him like a hawk) MURDOC: (doesn't move) MACGYVER: (runs up to check his pulse) Um....he's dead. ALL: (stare in shock) AUTHOR: HE IS!? SVEN: Guess he used up his last life, there. PETE: Wow, that is so.... MACGYVER: (shakes Ardeth's hand) Thank you. (snaps a picture with Murdoc's camera, then bounces, gleefully offset) YAHOOOOO!!!!! HE'S FINALLY DEAD!!!! STEVE: I think he's broken. SVEN: Cool. So that's what it takes to drive Mac insane. NIKKI: He's definitely gone off the deep end. JACK: (waves) Bye, Mac! THE END *************** AFTER THE SPOOF ******************** COLOSSUS: I can't believe you DID that! (gives Spike a brain duster) You saved my LIFE! I would have got rid of the Army if you just ASKED! MURDOC: (now back alive) Nice going, stupid vampire. SPIKE: Hey, don't blame me. You're the one who screwed your part up and ticked off Mr. Med-jai. ARDETH: Never piss off an insane Med-jai. RYAN: Sounds like good advice. We'll try to remember that for next one. MURDOC: NEXT one!? There's ANOTHER Mummy? SVEN: No, we're doing "US Psychos" as soon as Lord of the Rings is finished. CASSI: And coming up next, I'm getting a new assistant! Tara has promised to bring him back for me. JOHN: Right, aren't I supposed to be starring next? CASSI: That's not solid yet. **This spoof was put off until after Forbidden Game & Jurassic 3** ROMANO: Oh yeah, did you guys want your Oscars? BUFFY: Give. CASSI: (hands her one) I gotta admit, you earned this. ROMANO: As did Spike. (hands him one) SPIKE & BUFFY: (grins and bow) BUFFY: Does this mean we're not married anymore? SVEN: Well, we still keep that piece of detail filed away, but you guys can stop pretending to be married now....although we still consider Boyo to be your son. BOYO: Mommy and Daddy won't get away THAT easily. ROMANO: (hands Boyo an Oscar) Nice work, kid. CASSI: Angelus, you and Angel did a fabulous job, so, in addition to giving both of you Oscars-- SVEN: We are separating the two of you! ALL: (stare at her) LORNE: How? CASSI: We have our methods. Anyway, Angel will be brought back as a human and Angelus will keep the vampire side. DRU: You can do tha'? SVEN: Well, duh! We separated Ben from Glory, didn't we? (snaps her fingers) --Standing beside Angelus is Angel, who looks identical, except for the fact that Angel is obviously human-- ANGEL: What the? ANGELUS: WOOO-HOOO!!!!! (jumps around) SOUL BOY'S GONE FOREVER!!!!! --Angel's friends surround him excitedly-- JOHN: Okay, Dru! (hands her an Oscar) DRU: (grins and kisses Angelus) ROMANO: Lando Calrissian, Xander Harris, and Murdoc! SVEN: Stephan! STEPHAN: (grins, takes his award, and hugs Caillean, who is still on-set--they exit, talking) JARETH: He always was a showoff. JOHN: Colossus, Hannibal Lecter, and Frank Colton! LECTER: (who has a brand new hand, courtesy of the healing water of Xanth--smiles, and accepts his award with a bow) FRANK: I can't believe I had to die TWICE in this thing! CASSI: Sorry, Lady Caillean took offense. Anyway, Mr. Pharaoh, you did a wonderful job! (hands him an award) WAGNER: (grins) I like being a Pharaoh. ROMANO: And of course, Miss Dot Warner! DOT: Oh thank you! I really wanted another one! (wipes a tear) This is just the happiest day of my life. (breaks into loud and noisy tears) CODY: She's trying for another one, isn't she? CROSS: Oh yeah. COSMO: She's pretty good. SVEN: (to Dot) You only get one. DOT: Darn. (sits down with her brothers) ROMANO: Let's see....Dylan already got hers....we have only MacGyver. MACGYVER: Huh? CASSI: For your performance when Murdoc died. We all loved it. MURDOC: (shakes his head) You know, obsessive behavior can be an ugly thing. MACGYVER: (takes his award and sticks his tongue out) Look who's talking. CASSI: Ooookaaay. Thank you everyone for your performances. Please come back for the continuation of Lord of the Rings and my next spoof.....whatever it may be. --One by one, the characters exit the set, along with the Authors and Assistants. Shortly after all have gone, there is a noise heard--From the corner of the set, a small group enters. In the dim light we see they are pigs.....green pigs with antennae. The pigs creep through the dimness, slowly until one of them trips.-- "MARTIAN PIG": DINK DINK! (hops around on one foot, then limps out of the room, his fellow pigs following) THE VERY REAL END